I’d like to start the day out with a couple of different things that should all converge at the end of this opening monologue as either complete and utter confusion or complete and utter hysteria…either way is okay, but trust me when I tell you that the utter hysteria is the better of the two results.
First of all, let me say that, especially lately, we’ve been getting quite a few remarks and gibes, innuendo and out-right, straight-forward questions on the identity the Impish Dragon and The Lethal Leprechaun (notice the capital “T” in “The” for Lethal Leprechaun!) Okay, how about we dish out some “little known facts” of Impish and Lethal…or perhaps it should be in the manner of a FAQ…let’s try it and see…
#1. Question: Are there really 2 of you?
#1 Answer: This has got to be the number one, most often asked question to our blog. Some people ask slyly: “I’m sending this to the 2(?) of you…” and some ask it outright: “Is there REALLY an Impish and a Lethal or is this the same person using a second personality, sort of in a schizophrenic, multiple personality, twin-brothers of different mothers, Twilight Zone kind of…” Yeah! yeah! a verb! Put a friggin’ VERB in your sentence… oh…. sorry. You’d be amazed at the questions and writing we get that we have to answer. Anyway, the simple answer to that question is yes. There are two of us, and in the interest of “Little Known Facts” (LKF) and in the format of “Frequently Asked Questions” (FAQ) we’ll get to further details of that in upcoming questions.
#2. Question: Since there are two of you, you must be close by to be able to collaborate so well. Come on… Frequently Asked Questions…in the form of a question, PLEASE! Oh, sorry..Ummm.. DO the two of you live close by each other since you seem to collaborate so well together? I liked it better the other way. Okay, knock it off.
#2. Answer: Actually, the answer to this QUESTION is easy. No, we don’t live close, not unless you think that 1075 miles (1990.9 km) driving or 902.433 miles (1671.306 km) as the dragon flies is close. If you do, then yeah, we are close.
#3. Question: Since you live so far away, how’d that happen? I mean, who moved away from who?
#3. Answer: Actually, it’s who moved away from whom
having just spent 20 minutes on line trying to make sure I was correct, I’m now more confused than when I started…
so, let’s forget that whom, bit.)
Anyway, neither of us moved away from the other, we are both still living in the exact place we lived when we met, in other words, we’ve never met face to face.
#4. Question: Aww, that’s so sweet. Like an on-line love story or something.
#4. Answer: Knock it off, it’s bad enough both our wives (whom [?] to the best of our collective knowledge have never even spoken to each other before) are already calling this a “bromance”, don’t you dare think you can come in here and try and qualify or quantify the working relationship and comedy genius that is the Dragon Laffs editorial staff! So just knock it off and …
…right, sorry, yeah, I’ll take my medicine…what was the question?
So, back to the monologue, the basic reason for writing this is to share a set of emails with you this morning, that had me rolling when I received Lethal’s reply. Here’s my first email:
Subject: Good Morning
Okay, so it’s not such a good fucking morning. We are snowed in … AGAIN … and I’m on my way to the doctor’s office!
Why? You may ask? And I may answer…the back doctor, in his infinite wisdom, has decided that medieval torture devices and (oh, let’s not call it witch-doctor, voodoo, black magic arcane non-sense) alchemy are the way to go.
I am to be strapped down, with my lower back exposed, two minotaur horns, hollowed out and prepared for this job are rammed into my lower back, making two gaping holes that the doctor will then pour his “magic potion” down into and thus magically, my pain will go away.
Okay, a couple of problems with this scenario…first of all, I’m allergic to minotaurs, and their horns are likely to do much more damage than the doctor expects. Okay, actually, I owe the minotaurs money, but it’s a lot LIKE an allergy. I know if I touch one of their horns I am in some serious shit. Okay, so the serious shit may be that by touching a minotaur horn, all the rest of the minotaurs will know where I am and can magically find me, so it’s like some serious shit.
And this voodoo concoction that he is going to push into my back? What kind of acidic trip is he trying to send me on? And I always get sick over raven’s feathers….I don’t know why. I just do.
Okay, they are now dragging me out by my wings. I have to go, but if I’m not back in a couple of hours….find the minotaurs!!!!!!
And his response, that I received when I got home…
1.> If you had allowed me to spend the extra coin on our insurance plan the HMO would have approved the usage of Unicorn horns or Narwhal horns instead of Minotaur horns. You’re simply reaping the rewards of your miserly ways. Apparently it never occurred to your when you instructed me to “cheap out” on the employee medical plan that YOU TOO would be a member of the plan huh?
2.> The Holistic & Arcane Curatives Council – HACC (pronounced ‘HACK’) have filed a grievance and complaint with the Mythical & Magical Creatures Governing council over the exclusion of the mention Shaman in your comments but the inclusion of your comments regarding Raven’s Feathers which are apparently a trademarked symbol of the Native American Shaman and his millennia old craft. They are requesting mediation, arbitration and compensation for the slight. When asked for a dollar amount their reply was twofold, “what’s the current gold to wampum conversion rate” followed by “what’s the forked tongued flying serpent’s total net worth? We’ll accept half of that, an apology, and 6 dragon horns.”
Based on their asking for half your total net worth rather than personal net worth, Dewy, Cheatum & Howe, as our corporate legal advisors have advised me to pay off the back doctor to have a ‘regrettable and unforeseeable accident’ with you to reduce our exposure both now and in the future. On the upside you have caused them to open an entirely new level of Cmas thank you gifts as you now top their billable hours client list by near to triple your closest competition so you can look forward to a potentially really cool Cmas gift…if I don’t take their advice that is.
3.> I was aware of your Minotaur debt and monitoring the situation unbeknownst to you. Actually they came to me regarding it as they were a little nervous and concerned about having you as a debtor in regards to annoying me or outright pissing me off. They wanted to assure me they were NOT “poaching your pigeons” (their words) and correctly figured that your debt to them paled in comparison to your financial involvement with me. They offered to sell me your debt which I declined at the time figuring you got yourself in with them you could damned well deal with your own mess since you have chosen not to come to me in the first place. When I learned of your allergy and the fact that the HMO was refusing to pay for any other horn other than Minotaur I feared that something unduly serious in scale to your debt with them might accidentally happen so I bought your debt from them, at cost plus 15% I might add. Rest assured that this has already been added to your tally with me AND that I now in light of the newest pending dragon caused litigation regret buying the debit. Allowing the doctor, minotaurs & your relatively unknown allergy to take its inevitable course now in light of you pissing off Shaman everywhere seems like the much preferred solution.
4A.) You simple saurian if you had even bothered to keep an eye open during any of your post medical treatment discussion with the Vet, you would have known it’s NOT the Raven’s feathers you are allergic too but rather the dust and other mites ON the feathers.
4B.) That extra burning pain you are feeling from the treatment is apparently from a combination of Tabasco, hydrogen peroxide, sea salt and undiluted apple cider vinegar which the back doctor mixed in with your magical curative potion. These were not part of the formula and added out of sheer spite apparently for two reasons;
4b. 1) Your disrespectful tone and comments regarding the magical curative and his skills in crafting it as evidenced below by your remarks.
4b. 2.) The cute physician’s assistant your were ogling and who’s inner thigh you were blowing your hot breath on was his fiancé. Hope it was worth his revenge.
Lastly you REALLY need to start using the encryption program I installed on your communications systems when making comments like those below to me given your penchant for stick both your rear feet in your mouth, coupled with your ability to keep talking and digging us a bigger hole once you have!
So, you see…there is no way that we could be one and the same person, and even our on line humor, is not the same humor that is shared in Dragon Laffs. I hope this little glimpse into our personas has helped. If it hasn’t and you are more confused than ever, gee…. I’m sorry.
Finally if this does NOT lay the issue to bed once and for all we are currently offering real autographed separate pictures of both Impish and I for the reasonable price of $15.00 per pair. These full color autographed photos are suitable for framing and will be personally signed by us and mailed individually each from our separate home cities. Payments can be made via Paypal and all proceeds go towards the worthy cause of helping to differ our operating costs.
Yeah, what he said… <<<<inside joke<<<<
(Actually, we haven’t completely worked out the logistics of the whole picture thing, but if there is an interest, we could come up with something.)
Now, my friends and fellow campers, it’s time to laugh.
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient: “Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.”
Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.
“Where y’all from, Sam?” asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied,” The balcony.”
After all the “to-do” over “what’s-her-name” screwing up the National Anthem at the Super Bowl this year, it is wonderful to see this bright shinning little girl put so much heart and soul into OUR song. This is wonderful and I would be amazed if it doesn’t bring a tear to all us true patriots eyes. Enjoy, my friends:
Impish and I were talking one day when Impish says, “I went to see the doctor the other day for that pain in my back.”
“So what happened?” I asked.
“Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee. Can you imagine that? A grown man having to sit to pee?”
“Why would he want you to sit to pee?” I asked.
“Well”, said Impish, “With my bad back, he doesn’t want me picking up anything too big.”
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he
advised new recruits about their government benefits,
especially their GI insurance.
It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones
was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance
to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the
back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of GI Insurance to the new recruits,
and then said,
“If you are killed in a battle and have a GI Insurance, the
government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries.
But, if you don’t have a GI insurance and get killed in battle,
the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000.”
“Now,” he concluded, “which group do YOU think
they are going to send into battle first?”
I do so apologize for this one…
Two of New England’s finest undertakers, Old Mort Rogers and his brother Dick, are also experts at rigging sailing ships. Most agree that Dick is a fine ship builder, but he’s not the rigger Mort is.
Puns from Diaman…
I could not pull out of my parking space, so I used my back up plan.
It became clear that some of the librarian’s best abilities were put on the shelf.
On TV it’s a maze of channels, luckily he had a guide.
Latest surveys reveal that 1 out of 5 people make up 20% of the world’s population at the present time, and that there has been no significant change in this finding since the annual surveys were started.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to screw it almost all the way in, and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, “Abracadabra!” and my friend, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the heck was going on.
I spotted an attractive woman strolling down the road talking to herself and thought, “She’s a nutter, nobody would believe any rape claims.”
So I ducked into an alleyway and stripped completely naked. Then sprinted at her and dived, intending to quickly rugby-tackle her to the ground.
In the last moments, as I sailed through the air horizontally with my cock swinging in the wind, and with no chance of halting my attack, I heard her say,
“…reporting live, for BBC News…”
My posh neighbour looked over the fence today with a smug grin on his face. He said, ” I did an eagle today on the golf course and got a 2 minute round of applause.”
I soon knocked the smile off his face when I replied, ” Well I once did a flamingo at Chester Zoo and got 2 years in a mental institute, but you don’t get me bragging over the fence.”
Sat in traffic this morning I saw something very amusing
In my wing mirror I could see a chap in a suit,clearly running for the bus.First of all he went flying after slipping on the path,getting his suit all dirty.
Next,his suit case opened sending paperwork everywere,but he didnt stop,he was determined to make that bus.
After leaping between cars and dodging many more pedestrians,it seemed he was going too make it.This was a herculean effort and every credit,but alas,it wasnt to be as the driver just smiled and pulled away,leaving the man swearing and shouting and throwing at least one shoe at the bus.
Its at this point I thought too myself,
I love being a bus driver.
Not sure how much any of you are interested in this sort of thing, but I believe if I was younger and had the wherewithal to do something like this, I’d be VERY interested. But it is interesting, in and of itself to watch and investigate.
Welcome to Nextworld TV
Check out this bizarre housing- made from recycled
tires, cans and bottles. All aboard the Earthships!
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
- The bookies have put the odds out for this weekend. The Packers are slightly favored over the Steelers and the rioters are slightly favored over President Mubarak.
- Huge riots continue in Egypt. Experts say one of the problems over there is there is a huge difference in wealth between the extremely rich and the vast majority of the people who have nothing. Thank God that could never happen in this country.
- I haven’t seen this many protesters in Cairo since the last time they announced Brendan Fraser was doing another one of those “Mummy” movies.
- Vice President Joe Biden has suggested to people out of work to just “hang in there.” What a difference two years makes: Remember “hope and change”? Now it’s “hang in there.”