Leprechaun Laff #27


DL - Leprechaun Laffs

Sigh! You guys got to start bringing the donuts, hot scones or some breakfast sandwiches if you’re going to keep showing up early in the morning! Hash with 2 Easy Over Eggs and an order of lightly toasted & buttered English Toasting Bread would be even better! Yes I KNOW this is posting just after noon but I had an appointment this morning and since oyu guys don’t even bring coffee and donuts I stopped for breakfast out. So now with a full and contented stomach I say…

            Let’s Laugh!

0101most-important-thing-in-life

God created the dog and said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.  For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?” So God agreed……

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.” the monkey said, “Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?” And God agreed……

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?” And God agreed again……

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.” But the human said, “Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

LIFE has now been explained to you.

BC319

Been a while since we had any Ask The Dragon or Ask the Leprechaun E-mails but here’s one that arrived just the other day. The poor woman seemed desperate for advice.

Dear Lethal Leprechaun ,

My husband has a long record of money problems.
He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum and let our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest.
Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. 
The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more.
Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he’s with Muslims.
Finally, the last straw. He’s demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath.
It’s just so horribly creepy! 
Can you help?
Signed, Lost in DC

——————————————————
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. You’re getting to live
in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you.
The rest of us are stuck with the bastard for two more years!

Lethal Leprechaun

celtline

Been emasculated & abused by your female counterpart?

Now there’s medical relief!

celtline

The sign reads:

WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS

WITH 1000 ARAB TERRORISTS THAN

WITH A SINGLE JEW.

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. Most would be outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement…
One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back…
But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society who hold Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty and after all it is just a sign…
You may be asking what business would dare post such a sign? ………
Goldberg’s Funeral Home!

Andy Capp- Swill Recipie

DL - Auto-Correct Attack

bike sexual  autocorrect     ass pounded  autocorrect

 

True Tales of the Impish Dragon Chapter 8

Impish recently confided in me, “My life doesn’t revolve around sex anymore. Sex’s immense gravitational field long ago sucked my life into its event horizon and shredded it into elementary particles.

========

Impish returned fro his latest trip to the Doctor sporting the long face of bad news received.
“According to the Doctor now on top of everything else, I’m suffering from Mallzheimer’s disease.” He told me solemnly.
Being his good friend (and ever concerned about the bottom line at Dragon Laffs Enterprises) I inquired as to the nature of this unfamiliar to me disease now afflicting my good friend.
“It’s not too serious” he says, She told me that’s what it’s called when I go to the mall and forget where I parked my car. “

==========

Impish leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together 10 years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

Yes, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’

Oh Impish, you lascivious old dragon, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble. So he follows them.

Impish & Mrs Dragon walk along, strolling hand in hand down memory lane (More Likely it was CRS Court they was strolling down!). Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.  Mrs. Dragon lifts her skirt and the Impish drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the Impish moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know..

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, Impish & Mrs Dragon struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I’ve got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,’ Excuse me, but that was something else. You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, Impish is barely able to reply,

‘Ten years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

=========
The waitress was waiting about as patiently as could be expected while Impish was slowly going over the breakfast menu.
(no doubt his lips were moving while he sounded out the big words)

Being a smart ass, he said to Lethal the other guy in the booth, and loud enough for her to overhear, “I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I’m served with my eggs is a match in size for my own.”

The waitress gave him a disgusted look and commented, “In that case, maybe you should be looking at the children’s menu.”

I didn’t know you could get those Vienna Finger Sausages from those little cans in a Restaurant and for breakfast besides!

Burno Corporate Anti Spam Fighter

celtline

Paul was not the brightest lamp in the chandelier.

Every day, when he walked home from work, he would get stopped
by three nasty men and they would beat him up and steal his money.

Finally, Paul decided that it would serve his best interest to walk a different route, but also take some self-defense classes so this wouldn’t happen again.

He joined a karate class and soon was doing very well with it. So one day, on the way home from work, Paul confidently decided to take his old route home and, sure enough,  there they were. He walked up to them and the battle ensued.

The next afternoon, Paul went to his karate class with a black eye, a broken nose and a busted lip.

His instructor was shocked and asked for an explanation. “Well,” explained Paul, “I took my old way home last night so I could beat up those guys who used to steal my money.”

His instructor said, “What happened?”

Paul replied, “They jumped me before I could get my  shoes and socks off!”

 

  DL LAst Word Header

 

Arizona Preps New Immigration Laws

The Arizona legislature is preparing harsh new immigration laws that would outlaw illegal immigrants from driving, attending school, and receiving public benefits. Many of these laws openly flout federal laws; their backers hope that they can draw the Supreme Court into ruling in their favor on these issues. Under the law, schools and hospitals would require IDs; illegal immigrants would be barred from all state licenses, including marriage; and landlords would be required to evict entire families if just one illegal immigrant is found to be living with them.

Hallelujah! Praise the Lord (NOT Mohammed, the father of all towel headed terrorists) and show me your green card or valid student visa! The only way to stem this smothering tide is to cut them off from what they want a free ride at our expense as reward for flouting our laws!

» Read it at The New York Times                                                                                              (the following in black are excerpts from that article,  my observations on it are in green)

Illegal immigrants would be barred from driving in the state, enrolling in school or receiving most public benefits. Their children would receive special birth certificates that would make clear that the state does not consider them Arizona citizens.

Most of the time they are driving unregister, uninsured derelicts in a poor state of repair which contributes not only to increased accidents but higher insurance rates for the rest of us. Driving is a PRIVILEGE not a right! No reason it should be automatically handed to them! they should also me made to take a test or driving course to insure they understand out driving laws and rules of the road. Pass the test you don’t have to take the course and you get your license. I was recently informed that if you want a drivers license in Israel it cost you the equivalent of $1000 US to obtain and includes a 40 lesson drivers class need it or not!

Some of the bills, like those restricting immigrants’ access to schooling and right to state citizenship, flout current federal law and are being put forward to draw legal challenges in hopes that the Supreme Court might rule in the state’s favor.

Again this isn’t about discriminating its about taking the load off our overburdened systems and giving OUR children our NATURALIZED US BORN OR BORN TO LEGITMATE US CITIZEN PARENTS CHILDREN their right to an education.

As things currently sit if you waddle 8 months 4 weeks and 5 days pregnant across the border and drop your seven pound eighteen year welfare and free ride assured meal ticket on US soil and not ONLY does that brat automatically become a citizen but you get to stay here for 18 years to raise his ass and we foot the bill for his education!

You make it clear to him his allegiance is NOT to the nation of his birth and which has educated him but to YOUR nation of birth you do your best to see that he does NOT assimilate but retains a foreign identity and allegiances and then takes it back to your country when he graduated all on our dime! 

In the mean time they flaunt their heritage and foreign allegiance  in our students faces. They refuse to participate in the saying of the Pledge of Allegiance the signing of the National Anthem & they take every opportunity possible to disrespect the very country that freely gives them an equal opportunity they would never have in their “native land”.

Our students have to accept this daily  in the name of that politically correct liberal turd “racial diversity” yet should they attempt to assert “American Pride” or despond when one of these non legal “citizens” does something such as slap a US flag out of their hand stomp on it and spit on it OUR CHILDREN are the ones sent home and punished by their Schools!  

I SAY BULL SHIT ON THAT!

The article goes on to touch on other points and I could go on making comments on this as well but I think in addition to annoying the hell out of myself on this subject I’m probably preaching to the choir on the issue. See I noticed in fact checking that everyone speaking out against this has an immigrant back round or benefits in some way by their being here!

Also I think I have proven my basic points which were:

a.) these people do not appreciate our lax laws giving them the opportunity of a life time and have NO intention of assimilating and becoming productive loyal US citizens in 99 out of 100 cases.

b.) nothing about the situation is going to change, until WE force the government to change our laws, RADICALLY there by making illegal immigration unprofitable, unpleasant and ill advised, not ONLY to those seeking to come here but to those here who would aid them or profit from them.

In short , we need to put the true meaning of illegal back in illegal immigration

NOW!

 

DL Closing Credits

About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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