A slight technical malfunction (a.k.a. brain fart) on my part resulted in the accidental posting of the as yet unfinished Veteran’s Day Issue of Leprechaun Laughs a short while ago. While I have removed it from the blog I cannot remove it from the Inboxes of anyone who has subscribed to the e-mail version.

I apologize for this confusion and ask that you  give me an hour to figure out exactly how this was all Impish’s fault. Mean time please just ignore that errantly published issue.

Sheepishly and chagrinned,

Lethal

“Sic usquequaque ut Tyrannus quod Probus”

(Thus Always to Tyrants and Liberals)

 

Due to intense mind fog and my feeling sub par all opening thoughts and witty remarks have been grounded

 

 

Even this isn’t helping this morning, in fact I feel like I’m under the press!

 

 

 

Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many folks are against a mosque
being built at Ground Zero. I think it should be the goal of every
American to be tolerant. Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort
to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to
the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could
call one of the clubs, “The Turban Cowboy”, which would be gay, and the
other a topless bar called ” You Mecca Me Hot .”
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent
to that an open-pit barbeque pork restaurant, called ” Iraq o’ Ribs.”
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called “Victoria Keeps
Nothing Secret”, with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods..
Next door to the lingerie shop, a liquor store called “Morehammered.”
All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance
they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved. If you agree
with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass
it on…
For the sake of tolerance !

Harrumph! Must be one of them New Jersey Beaches! Probably Atlantic City. That looks like it might be the remains of Impish’s cousin Denardo

 

A Letter from Goldman Sachs

Concerning Occupy Wall Street

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report

)– The following is a letter released today by Lloyd Blankfein, the chairman of banking giant Goldman Sachs:

Dear Investor:
Up until now, Goldman Sachs has been silent on the subject of the protest movement known as Occupy Wall Street. That does not mean, however, that it has not been very much on our minds. As thousands have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests. And we have asked ourselves this question:
How can we make money off them?
The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund, whose investment objective is to monetize the Occupy Wall Street protests as they spread around the world. At Goldman, we recognize that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain – but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down.
The Rage Fund will seek out opportunities to invest in products that are poised to benefit from the spreading protests, from police batons and barricades to stun guns and forehead bandages. Furthermore, as clashes between police and protesters turn ever more violent, we are making significant bets on companies that manufacture replacements for broken windows and overturned cars, as well as the raw materials necessary for the construction and incineration of effigies.
It would be tempting, at a time like this, to say “Let them eat cake.” But at Goldman, we are actively seeking to corner the market in cake futures. We project that through our aggressive market manipulation, the price of a piece of cake will quadruple by the end of 2011.
Please contact your Goldman representative for a full prospectus. As the world descends into a Darwinian free-for-all, the Goldman Sachs Rage Fund is a great way to tell the protesters, “Occupy this.” We haven’t felt so good about something we’ve sold since our souls.
Sincerely,
Lloyd Blankfein
Chairman, Goldman Sachs

 

Golf Panties….
The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded.
‘Well’ she said, ‘you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..’

Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. ‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers Why not?’
She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear”!

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?’ She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…. Tidy yerself up a bit.’

 

 

 

TSA leaves freaky note in bag after finding sex toy

Surprise note from the guy (or girl?) who went through your bag (Jill Filipovic / Feministe)

“This is what TSA will do when they inspect a bag you checked and find a, um, ‘personal item,’” wrote Feministe blogger Jill Filipovic after Transportation Administration luggage screeners noticed a vibrator in her bag and decided to wish her well with that.

“Get your freak on girl” is scribbled across the insert travelers find when their bag has been looked through by TSA personnel.

“Total violation of privacy, wildly inappropriate and clearly not ok, but I also just died laughing in my hotel room,” said Filpovic.

She told Boing Boing that after this incident she’s decided to retire the vibrator.

 

ODD NEWS: Giant Lego Man Washes Up on Florida Beach; Police Take It Into ‘Protective Custody’

Published: Wednesday, October 26, 2011

The life-sized figure of a man made of Lego pieces was found washed up on a Florida beach, and people are scratching their heads as they try to figure out where it came from and what it could possibly mean.

Jeff Hindman reportedly found the bright red, yellow and green “man” as he walked on the Siesta Key Beach in Sarasota County around 7 a.m. Tuesday, according to a report in the Sarasota Herald-Tribune.

The fiberglass figure measures about 8 feet tall, and weighs about 100 pounds, according to the Sarasota County Sheriff’s Office. In a light-hearted press release, the department said it had taken the giant Lego man “into protective custody.”

The front of the figure’s bright green “torso” bore the cryptic message: “NO REAL THAN YOU ARE.” On the back appear the numeral “8″ and the words “Ego Leonard.”

Just who is Ego Leonard, you ask?

It’s apparently the alter ego of a Dutch artist.  A visit to the website, “Prescription Art,” shows a gallery of paintings for sale that all feature the Lego figure alongside pithy messages such as “I Love You,” “Play by the Rules” and, coincidentally, “No Real Than You Are.”

Converting the currency from the prices listed in British pounds, the paintings range in price from $3,407.19 to $4,238.90.

There’s also an Ego Leonard book — “No Real Than You Are” — that you can snag for just $11.18.

A message on the site, purportedly from the mysterious Ego, reads:

“My name is Ego Leonard and according to you I come from the virtual world. A world that for me represents happiness, solidarity, all green and blossoming, with no rules or limitations. Lately however, my world has been flooded with fortune-hunters and people drunk with power. And many new encounters in the virtual world have triggered my curiosity about your way of life. I am here to discover and learn about your world and thoughts …”

 

 

 

Miscommunication

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don’t have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.
About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate.
Attached is what he found. Sometimes things don’t always come out the way you want them to……..

 

We’ve 2 unusual fun and very creative recipes for you today, so let’s indulge shall we?

DISCLAIMER: The Celtic Cupboard, Leprechaun Laugh, Lethal Leprechaun (a.k.a Chef Lethal), DragonLaffs, Impish Dragon (a.k.a. the Bottomless Stomach)  and The DragonLaffs Electronic Media LLP cannot be held liable or responsible for any increase in your waist line due to excessive consumption of these recipes. If you begin suffering weight gain do not seek Punitive litigation with us over it, instead take personal responsibility for your life and stop scarfing Big Macs instead fat boy!

 

Cupcakes are coming in all shapes and sizes these days but seriously…Lasagna Cupcakes? Is that even possible? It is! These Lasagna Cupcakes are easily made using all of the same ingredients in your classic lasagna with layers of meat, three types of cheeses, and pasta.

Usually lasagna looks like a big gooey mess, but when it’s in cupcake form it looks elegant and refined. Wonton wrappers are used as the pasta element in this lasagna, eliminating the nightmare and logistics of trying to make pasta noodles cupcake sized.

Wonton wrappers are fresh little sheets of pasta that are perfectly sized for these lasagna cupcakes and because of their thinness, they cook up super fast. Just take a stack of wonton wrappers and place a drinking glass on top. Using a knife, cut around to the glass to make circle shapes.

Next, assemble layers of pasta, cheese, meat, and sauce in the muffin tins to make your lasagna cupcakes. I don’t know about your family, but in my family when we eat lasagna, we all fight over the corners of the pan because of the crispy and chewy texture. With these cupcakes, every single one has all the yummy qualities of those corner pieces.

Prep Time: 15 minutes  Total Time: 35 minutes  Servings: 6 Cupcakes

Ingredients

• 1 cup marinara sauce
• 3/4 pound ground beef
• 12 wonton wrappers
• 8 ounces shredded mozzarella
• 3 ounces Parmesan cheese
• 4 ounces Ricotta cheese
• (optional) basil for garnish

Directions

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Spray muffin tin with cooking spray.
2. Brown beef and season with salt and pepper. Drain.
3. Cut wonton wrappers into circle shapes using a biscuit cutter or using the top of a drinking glass. You can cut several at a time.
4. Reserve 6 tablespoons Parmesan cheese and 6 tablespoon mozzarella for the top of you cupcakes. Start layering your lasagna cupcakes. Begin with a wonton wrapper and press it into the bottom of each muffin tin. Sprinkle a little Parmesan cheese, Ricotta cheese, and mozzarella cheese. Top with a little meat and marinara sauce. Use around 1-2 teaspoons of all the ingredients depending on your personal preference.
5. Repeat layers ending with marinara sauce. Top with reserved Parmesan and mozzarella cheese.
6. Bake for 18-20 minutes or until edges are brown. Remove from oven and let cool for 5 minutes. To remove use a knife to loosen the edges then pop each lasagna out.
7. Garnish with basil and serve.

Notes by Chef Lethal:

These are great for buffets, pot lucks and as a very special hot hordourves.

The same technique should work for those ‘mini~loaf’ style muffin pans. Those will probably go 3 layers however and require a longer cooking time. Over lapping of wonton wrappers pieces might be required depending on the pan size and center layer of wrapper should probably be turned 90 degrees and tiled for stability. a thin slice of Eggplant could be used in lieu of the center layer of wonton wrapper.

These would probably be well suited to pre~portioned servings for a dinner buffet. A narrow strip of heavy duty tin foil placed both length and width wise in the bottom of the pan prior to assembly should aid in the removal from mini~loaf pans in an intact manner after cutting around the edges carefully so as not to damage the tin foil.

Of course if you use the disposable tin foil mini~loaf pans and have a decent set of kitchen shears a little carful cutting on all 4 corners after they cool a few minutes will totally negate any removal problems!

Finally, our resident biggest consumer of food, Impish trekked back and forth thru his local Kroger in search of WonTon wrappers determined to try this recipe before I published it. See Impish is  considered in some circles a Lasagna expert having published a step by step how to guide on making the superior Lasagna as well as owing to the fact it was published by no less auspicious a website than Epicurean.com. (See his article here: http://www.epicurean.com/articles/lasagna-bob.html ).

Here are a few photos he sent me while trying the above recipe:

After completion of the 1st layer:

Completed and oven bound:

Fresh out of the oven:

Finally the finished product on a plate barely long enough for a picture to be taken before being devoured by a Dragon:

No word on Impish’s opinion of them as yet as he’s mouth seems to be continually too full of them to give me an understandable answer!

Ok entree is over now lets get to Espresso & Dessert shall we? Any unusual entree deserves an unusual dessert and here’s one that fits that bill!

Love pasta? Well try a sweet version with these Nutella ravioli cookies! Made with sweet chocolate-hazelnut spread and sugar cookie dough!

Prep Time: 25 min Total Time: 45 Servings: 18 cookies

Ingredients

1 recipe sugar cookie dough
1/2 cup nutella
2/3 cup white chocolate chips
1/3 cup powdered sugar

Directions

1 Make your favorite sugar cookie dough recipe (do not bake). Roll out half of sugar cookie dough on floured surface until ¼” thin.
2 Scoop ½ tablespoon Nutella onto rolled out sugar cookie dough. Place Nutella scoops 2 inches apart.
3 On a separate floured surface, roll out second half of sugar cookie dough and carefully place it over first half of rolled out dough with Nutella scoops.
4 Using a ravioli cutter, gently press down on top of Nutella scoops to form small raviolis. Gently place unbaked raviolis onto baking sheet. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes at 375 degrees.
5 In a microwave safe bowl, melt white chocolate chips until smooth. Drizzle white chocolate onto ravioli cookies. Dust with powdered sugar. Let cool and enjoy!

Or you could be lazy like me and use premade sugar cookie dough from the dairy case!

Don’t have a ravioli cutter? Use a fluted edged cookie cutter and then crimp edges well with a fork instead!

 

Beavis and Butt-Head return to MTV

When Beavis and Butt-head return to the couch and watch television beginning Oct. 27 on MTV, there will be far fewer music videos for the boys to critique. They will be commenting on the network’s current fare — “Jersey Shore,” “16 and Pregnant,” Teen Mom” — and pop culture phenomena such as vampire movies and shows, and getting in shots at musical acts on a less frequent basis.

B&B will take a shot at becoming Siskel and Ebert, vampires, and tech support workers, and will re-enact Morgan Spurlock’s “Super Size Me” diet in the new edition of the series.

“Beavis and Butt-Head” ran on MTV from 1993 to 1997 and was criticized and revered for its violent content and the idiotic behavior of the lead characters. In returning this year, the show will be set up as it was initially with mostly two-part shows and the occasional full half-hour. The boys will still be wearing their AC/DC and Metallica T-shirts. And nebbishy Stewart will still be donning a Winger T-shirt.

And the ‘dumbing down’ of American Television, to say nothing of America’s youth continues. Sigh! Oh well, on the bright side it IS at least ONE program I will not have to explain the plot of to Impish!

 

Some how this seemed to belong right here after a mention of Bevis & Butthead, though try as I might i cannot put my finger on why I associate the two of them with Impish. Possibly an intellectual level thing?

In a Nutshell….

Now if we could only get both sides to recognize their common ground, common enemy and join forces to fix the problem!  NAH! Could never happen, partisan politics would preclude such a thing from ever occurring, even if everyone were to pull their heads out their asses long enough to have such an insightful revelation!

Ok I’ll admit I am not fluent in Cain’s 9~9~9 Plan but I have to admit that the above statement makes a heck of a lot of sense on the surface at face value.

 

The 8th Miracle To Save America

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is a columnist and impossible to kill.

Despite high unemployment, continued bad news across fiscal America and a presidency that has lacked luster and restorative productivity, Barack Obama’s stats continue to rival his top GOP challengers. And let’s not forget that he still has the mainstream media hypnotically backing him or that his campaign machine hasn’t even unleashed its billion dollars, according to Mike Huckabee, to combat his competitor.

Conservatives are right in asking, “Which GOP presidential candidate could survive, let alone have victory over, the Obama machine?” But maybe the strategy for victory lies in a unique plural solution.

Last week, I concluded my recommendation of the book “Seven Miracles That Saved America” by noting: “I also believe we need an eighth miracle to save America — a providential and pivotal moment that spares our country from falling off into four more years of the Obama transformational abyss.”

Here is what I believe that eighth miracle would look like. It’s not a single person, but a group of people, a formidable team — brought together by an unparalleled idea and unbridled patriots — that ensures the ousting of our incumbent president and the restoration of our country.

As a six-time undefeated world karate champion, I, like any long-term titleholder, will tell you that I obtained such a status by (among other things) mastering my opponents’ strategies, not approaching every competition the same way, and by leveraging my foes’ weaknesses and strengths against my own.

In a column a few months back, I introduced a martial arts practice that does just that; the art of jujitsu is to use an opponent’s weight and strength to your advantage. I believe that this is what the GOP candidates and anti-Obama citizens must do in the 2012 presidential election.

This presidential race is unlike any before it. It is unique on many fronts, not only by the size and formidableness of the Goliath in the White House but also by the unique wisdom, experience and skill set of each potential GOP presidential nominee.

How many times have you heard from others, “There are strong elements I like in all of those running for the GOP nomination”? (During one debate, even the candidates themselves were splicing one another together as possible vice presidential nominees.) You may not want to see all of them sitting in the Oval Office, but wouldn’t you want to see most help the country by serving in some position in the next president’s administration?

Who wouldn’t want to see a brilliant, experienced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich as a part of the Cabinet? Who doesn’t appreciate the resolve and moral fortitude of Rep. Michele Bachmann and former Sen. Rick Santorum? Who doesn’t want to utilize the business backgrounds and leadership of Herman Cain and former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney? Who doesn’t like the emboldened constitutional spirit and frugal fiscal passions of Rep. Ron Paul? Who doesn’t appreciate Gov. Rick Perry’s advocacy for Texas jobs and against frivolous lawsuits with tort reform? And who wouldn’t want to use the foreign affairs experience of former Utah Gov. Jon Huntsman?

So herein lies my political jujitsu idea. After a fair fight for the GOP nomination, why couldn’t the Republican contenders join together with an unparalleled strategy that could send the Obama campaign compound (including the mainstream media) in a tailspin? Why couldn’t the winner create a united front and say, “A vote for one of us is a vote for all of us”? Why couldn’t they create a Cabinet that would utilize all their skill sets to resurrect our republic? Why should the next GOP president try to sell the American public on new, obscure Cabinet members when these candidates have been vetted before our eyes for months? Would this idea not also rally those following the various candidates and keep our votes from splitting over a third-party candidate?

I can’t think of any preceding presidential race in which this could have been done with the field of GOP nominees, but I also can’t think of any preceding presidential race in which an idea such as this was needed more than it is now. This GOP political dream team also would be a true test of the contenders’ patriotism and leadership servitude. Do they love and want to save our country enough to take a second, third, fourth, fifth, etc., seat among the presidential administration?

No idea is without its limitations and faults, but 99 percent of those across this country with whom I’ve broached this idea are certain that it would rally the majority and usher in a new president. Almost everyone who hears it also asks, “Why haven’t the presidential candidates thought of this?”

That is exactly my question and challenge. Does any GOP presidential candidate have the courage and resolve to rally the GOP contestants and then the American public behind a political dream team comprising all of them?

Forget the presidential rhetoric. Forget presidential election business as usual. Forget typical GOP infighting. Desperate times call for desperate measures and strategic ingenuity.

I will conclude by repeating the impassioned plea at the end of last week’s column. I feel as if we are standing at a crossroads similar to that at which George Washington stood when he wrote to James Madison in 1786, just a few years before the first president’s inauguration: “No morn ever dawned more favorable than ours did; and no day was ever more clouded than the present! Wisdom, and good examples are necessary at this time to rescue the political machine from the impending storm.”

http://townhall.com/columnists/chucknorris/2011/10/25/the_8th_miracle_to_save_america/page/full/

Now keep it down to a bloody dull roar, ‘tis off for a nap I am!

Good Morning Campers…I’m going to try one of Lethal’s tricks today and see if I can’t get this thing to auto-post so I can sleep in, in the morning.  You’ll know if it works or not if you are up and around at 0530 hrs local Saturday morning.  If it doesn’t work, then this thing will get sent out when I get up in the morning.  No telling what time that is going to be, but I have a date for some electronic coffee with a dear old friend, so it can’t be that late….she gets up awfully early. 

So, without further ado, let’s get our laugh on….

 
You would not believe the mail that this picture has generated…and by whom!  I promised Lethal that I wouldn’t use his name, but his initials are Lethal Leprechaun.  There, now I didn’t break any promises.

 

Below is the transcript of Crockett Keller’s radio commercial for his concealed handgun license (CHL) course.  This was aired in the Mason/Kerrville/Fredericksburg area.

Hello friends and neighbors in Mason and surrounding counties.
Attention: Be a Victor and not a Victim.
We will be having a beginners concealed handgun class this coming Wednesday, October 26th, at Keller’s Riverside Store on the beautiful Llano River.
Classes start at 8:30 am.  This is an all day event.
We will attempt to teach you all the necessary information you need to obtain your CHL and hopefully, when you can use your weapon to defend yourself if the need arises.
We also will give you your handgun proficiency test, as needed, to get your license.
The cost for the course is one hundred dollars.  We accept cash, check, credit cards, gold and silver, and used guns. For information or to sign up call Crockett Keller 325-347-0055.
If you are a socialist liberal and/or voted for the current campaigner-in-chief, please do not take this class.  You have already proven that you cannot make a knowledgeable and prudent decision, as required under the law.
Also, if you are a non-Christian Arab or Muslim, I will not teach you the class.
Once again, with no shame, I am Crockett Keller, 325-347-0055.
Thank you and God Bless America

Okay, let’s hear it…are you for or against.  There’s a side here for every ranter.  Do we agree or disagree that he is allowed to pick and choose his own customers?  Because it’s a license he may or may not be allowed to discriminate by political affiliation or religion, but if he is just instructing on how to obtain a license, can’t he be choosy about his students?  Just as a bartender can refuse service to anyone, can’t he do the same thing?

Now, do you agree or disagree on his choice of discretion?  I certainly wouldn’t want to instruct a radical Muslim and give him the means to arm himself against me!  I mean, come on!

I’m really looking to start things up with this one, so let’s hear it.

 

 

 

My daughter just walked into the living room and said “Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.” Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don’t forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.

Well, she didn’t put it quite like that.. she actually said…

 

Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.

If less is more, then how much is “more or less”?

The printer broke up with his girl friend because she wasn’t his type.

If you think guests really enjoy your home movies, you are probably projecting

On TV it’s a maze of channels, luckily he had a guide.

How does AVON find so many women willing to take orders?

Q: What happened to the cat who ate a ball of yarn?
A: She had mittens!

Q: How do you know that your tiger is telling the truth?
A: He’s not a lion.

May peace break into your home and
May thieves come to steal your debts.

May the pockets of your jeans
Become a magnet for $100 bills.

May love stick to your face like Vaseline
And may laughter assault your lips!

May happiness slap you across the face
And may your tears be that of joy

May the problems you had
Forget your home address!

Today’s Last Word…Comes to us in part, from Tom

Impish “Brimstone Breath” Dragon & Lethal “the Litch”Leprechaun along with Mephistopheles’ Tormented Souls Choir Present the DragonLaffs Haunted Halloween Hooley. A Demented ( and quite possibly FERMENTED) Souls Production. (Hooley (n): Irish slang for party or celebration)

Macbeth Act 4 Scene 1

First Witch

Thrice the brinded cat hath mew’d.

Second Witch

Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined.

Third Witch

Harpier cries ‘Tis time, ’tis time.

First Witch

Round about the cauldron go;
In the poison’d entrails throw.
Toad, that under cold stone
Days and nights has thirty-one
Swelter’d venom sleeping got,
Boil thou first i’ the charmed pot.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch

Fillet of a fenny snake,
In the cauldron boil and bake;
Eye of newt and toe of frog,
Wool of bat and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg and owlet’s wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.

(I apologize for the distracting background noises readers, that’s just Impish’s stomachs rumbling over the description of what he considers haute cuisine. Just please do your best to ignore it and lets try to continue on) 

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Third Witch

Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,
Witches’ mummy, maw and gulf
Of the ravin’d salt-sea shark,
Root of hemlock digg’d i’ the dark,
Liver of blaspheming Jew,
Gall of goat, and slips of yew
Silver’d in the moon’s eclipse,
Nose of Turk and Tartar’s lips,
Finger of birth-strangled babe
Ditch-deliver’d by a drab,
Make the gruel thick and slab:
Add thereto a tiger’s chaudron,
For the ingredients of our cauldron.

ALL

Double, double toil and trouble;
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Second Witch

Cool it with a baboon’s blood,
Then the charm is firm and good.

Enter HECATE to the other three Witches

HECATE

O well done! I commend your pains;
And every one shall share i’ the gains;
And now about the cauldron sing,
Live elves and fairies in a ring,
Enchanting all that you put in.

HECATE retires

Second Witch

By the pricking of my thumbs,
Something wickedly humorous this way comes.
Open, locks,
Whoever knocks!

Enter Impish Dragon

Impish

Here now you secretive green gold thieving machine

what evil is’t you do?

Lethal Leprechaun

‘Tis the intro to our Halloween Spooktacular

Oh he who’s brains are probably boiling in the witch’s cauldron,

did you nae read the bloody memo? You promised to help out this year!

Impish

Yup I’m all over it, flying anti TPing patrols at night, doing quality control checks on all the candy (when is more arriving the last batch took an awful lot of testing), throwing myself on any candy corn that presents itself. I’m also ready to scare off the little urchins when they come begging… I MEAN trick or treating so there is more candy for me I MEAN… us!

Lethal smack forehead against his desk

Lethal

What about helping with the ISSUE?

Impish

What? Here I’m taking the initiative to cover all this other extremely important stuff and I got to pitch in there too?

It not like you do all that much around here you know!

Lethal (as he reaches for his pistolized sawed off over and under shotgun)

Get.

Out.

NOW!

Impish suddenly remembers unsampled candy and exits stage fastest available route.

Impish over his shoulder while in full flight

You know if you don’t develop a better attitude you’re going to wind up like your Uncle Jack you told me about, unqualified for heaven and unwanted in hell!

Two loud reports are heard, a loud groan and heavy thump follow, then naught but deafening silence. The scene now semi obscured in what might be taken for gun smoke slowly fades out.

(later than night Impish’s remaining remains coarsely ground in an industrial tire shredder and well combined with quickset concrete mysteriously find a home in a shallow unmarked and already occupied grave of a rabid liberal in the unhallowed ground of a potters field. Dragon’s bane is planted all over the grave.)

 

Haunted Espresso Anyone? No?

  

Perhaps a Demonic Latte then?

Well before we start celebrating it, as is our (o, so it’sk MY) custom here, let’s find out what and why we celebrate this ancient Celtic  holiday and in the manner we do shall we?

 

History

Historian Nicholas Rogers, exploring the origins of Halloween, notes that while “some folklorists have detected its origins in the Roman feast of Pomona, the goddess of fruits and seeds, or in the festival of the dead called Parentalia, it is more typically linked to the Celtic festival of Samhain, whose original spelling was Samuin (pronounced sow-an or sow-in)”. The name of the festival historically kept by the Gaels and Celts in the British Isles which is derived from Old Irish and means roughly “summer’s end”

(bloody Romans! They’re as bad as modern politicans or Federal Law Enforcement they’ll try to take credit for anything wither it’s due them or not! Why am I not surprised? Why do I think this isn’t going to be the end of trampling on the original custom?)

Origin of name

The word Halloween is first attested in the 16th century and represents a Scottish variant of the fuller All-Hallows-Even (“evening”), that is, the night before All Hallows Day^] Although the phrase All Hallows is found in Old English (ealra hālgena mæssedæg, mass-day of all saints), All-Hallows-Even is itself not attested until 1556.

Symbols

Development of artifacts and symbols associated with Halloween formed over time. For instance, the carving of jack-o’-lanterns springs from the souling custom of carving turnips into lanterns as a way of remembering the souls held in purgatory. The turnip has traditionally been used in Ireland and Scotland at Halloween, but immigrants to North America used the native pumpkin, which are both readily available and much larger – making them easier to carve than turnips. The American tradition of carving pumpkins is recorded in 1837 and was originally associated with harvest time in general, not becoming specifically associated with Halloween until the mid-to-late 19th century.

The imagery of Halloween is derived from many sources, including national customs, works of Gothic and horror literature (such as the novels Frankenstein and Dracula), and classic horror films (such as Frankenstein and The Mummy). Among the earliest works on the subject of Halloween is from Scottish poet John Mayne in 1780, who made note of pranks at Halloween; “What fearfu’ pranks ensue!”, as well as the supernatural associated with the night, “Bogies” (ghosts), influencing Robert Burns‘ Halloween 1785. Elements of the autumn season, such as pumpkins, corn husks, and scarecrows, are also prevalent. Homes are often decorated with these types of symbols around Halloween.

Halloween imagery includes themes of death, evil, the occult, or mythical monsters.^[12] Black and orange are the holiday’s traditional colors.

Trick-or-treating and guising

Trick-or-treating is a customary celebration for children on Halloween. Children go in costume from house to house, asking for treats such as candy or sometimes money, with the question, “Trick or treat?” The word “trick” refers to a (mostly idle) “threat” to perform mischief on the homeowners or their property if no treat is given. In some parts of Scotland children still go guising. In this custom the child performs some sort of trick, i.e. sings a song or tells a ghost story, to earn their treats.

The practice of dressing up in costumes and begging door to door for treats on holidays dates back to the Middle Ages and includes Christmas wassailing. Trick-or-treating resembles the late medieval practice of souling, when poor folk would go door to door on Hallowmas (November 1), receiving food in return for prayers for the dead on All Souls’ Day (November 2). It originated in Ireland and Britain, although similar practices for the souls of the dead were found as far south as Italy. Shakespeare mentions the practice in his comedy The Two Gentlemen of Verona (1593), when Speed accuses his master of “puling [whimpering or whining] like a beggar at Hallowmas.”

^{Holy Cutpursed Halloween Customs! I knew it! You get a good thing going and everyone wants to steal it!}

^{WHAT A BLOODY LOAD OF HOLY & P.C. HOOIE!}

IS NOTHING sacred and off limits the hypocritical holiday thieving catholic church and it’s history re~writing born again henchmen??!!? OK let’s finish this and get on to a couple laughs before presenting the opposing (and closer to plaintive truth) origins

In Scotland and Ireland, Guising — children disguised in costume going from door to door for food or coins — is a traditional Halloween custom, and is recorded in Scotland at Halloween in 1895 where masqueraders in disguise carrying lanterns made out of scooped out turnips, visit homes to be rewarded with cakes, fruit and money.The practise of Guising at Halloween in North America is first recorded in 1911, where a newspaper in Kingston, Ontario reported children going “guising” around the neighborhood.

American historian and author Ruth Edna Kelley of Massachusetts wrote the first book length history of the holiday in the U.S; The Book of Hallowe’en (1919), and references souling in the chapter “Hallowe’en in America”;

The taste in Hallowe’en festivities now is to study old traditions, and hold a Scotch party, using Burn’s poem Hallowe’en as a guide; or to go a-souling as the English used. In short, no custom that was once honored at Hallowe’en is out of fashion now.

In her book, Kelley touches on customs that arrived from across the Atlantic; “Americans have fostered them, and are making this an occasion something like what it must have been in its best days overseas. All Hallowe’en customs in the United States are borrowed directly or adapted from those of other countries”.

While the first reference to “guising” in North America occurs in 1911, another reference to ritual begging on Halloween appears, place unknown, in 1915, with a third reference in Chicago in 1920.

The earliest known use in print of the term “trick or treat” appears in 1927, from Blackie, Alberta, Canada:

Hallowe’en provided an opportunity for real strenuous fun. No real damage was done except to the temper of some who had to hunt for wagon wheels, gates, wagons, barrels, etc., much of which decorated the front street. The youthful tormentors were at back door and front demanding edible plunder by the word “trick or treat” to which the inmates gladly responded and sent the robbers away rejoicing.

 

Namely these these Halloween Moaners and Groaners!

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: How do you make a witch stew?
A: Keep her waiting for hours.

Q: How do ghosts begin their letters?
A: “Tomb it may concern…”

Q: What happened to the guy who couldn’t keep up payments to his exorcist?
A: He was repossessed.

Q: What do you call a person who puts rat poison in a person’s Corn Flakes?
A: A cereal killer

Q: How do you mend a broken Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.

Q: What is a ghost’s favorite ride?
A: A roller ghoster.

Q: Why are there fences around cemeteries?
A: Because people are dying to get in.

Q: What do you get when you cross Dracula with Sleeping Beauty?
A: Tired blood.

Q: Why was the mummy so tense?
A: He was all wound up.

Q: What kind of street does a ghost like best?
A: A dead end.

Q: How do you know if a ghost is lying?
A: You can see right through him.

 

Hey the tradition is TRICK or treat! Don’t complain about the tricks! Speaking to tricks, I wonder if Impish discovered those Chocolate Ex~lax Chip Cookies I left laying out yet? I bet he’ll be very “moved” by them!

And now for some opposing more traditional history on the roots of Halloween or more properly Samhain.

The Celts celebrated Halloween as Samhain, ‘All Hallowtide’ – the ‘Feast of the Dead’, when the dead revisited the mortal world. The celebration marked the end of Summer and the start of the Winter months.
During the eighth century the Catholic Church designated the first day of November as ‘All Saints Day (‘All Hallows’) – a day of commemoration for those Saints that did not have a specific day of remembrance. The night before was known as ‘All Hallows Eve’ which, over time, became known as Halloween.

Samhain the Lord of Darkness

Samhain was known in Ireland as the “Lord of Darkness”. The Druid religion was practiced by ancient Celtic tribes that populated Ireland and parts of Europe. This religion worshipped Samhain, the Lord of Darkness. Some writings also speak of Samhain as the “Lord of the Dead”. But, scholars suggest that this is incorrect.

The Druid New Year began on November 1st. It is also known as the “Feast of Samhain”. The Celts only recognized summer and winter seasons. Literally translated, Samhain means “Summer’s End”. At this time, the hours of nighttime were growing significantly over the hours of sunlight. Hence, Lord Samhain reigned over the long winter months as the influence of the Sun god and the summer season (Beltaine or Beltane) preceded. Samhain’s influence grows with the increase in the hours of darkness,  as he can only roam the earth during hours of darkness.

The Druids believed that on their New Year’s Eve, all of the people who died in the past year would rise up and search for the passageway to the netherworld. On this night the passageway or “veil” between both worlds was it’s thinnest. Lord Samhain would roam the earth in search of these souls to capture them and take them to his world of darkness. To this day, some people put lights in their windows to help the dead find their way, and keep Lord Samhain away from taking them.

The Druid religion, dating back to about 200BC, had priests and priestesses. These magicians (soothsayers or wizards) filled the most important roles in Celtic culture. At the time the Celtic tribes were close to nature. As a result, they worshipped many things in nature as their gods. But no Druid god was more powerful ,nor more feared, than Lord Samhain.

Some of the roots of Halloween are traced back to the Druid religion and Lord Samhain. Certainly, Halloween took aspects of darkness , black color, evil spirits, and people rising from the dead and roaming the earth on this night. These themes of Halloween are all common with this religion.

 

 

 

On the road again, I can’t wait to get on the road again.

My life is running over a dragon who is my friend and I can’t wait to get on the road again!

 

 Actually those are never really meteors, rather they are the Dragon equivalent of Hair Balls they just get mistaken for meteors when Dragon heave one up while in flight.

 

Yeah ok so I didn’t get this one either, but if I didn’t included it 50 of you would be writing us or commenting to point out it was missing .

 

 

I wonder, you think Dragons could have originated on Mars? Nah! Impossible! No snack shops between here and there and no Dragon I know could never fly that far without getting lost.

 

Dragons being a STRONG case in point

 

So do some Dragons for that matter!

 Wadda ya expect with Liberals and Democrats running the show? Here’s a spoiler~ Plan 10 is another Bailout!

Yeah that Mrs. Dragon even scares the bejayus out of me sometimes and I’m not even married to her!

 Trust me when I say the only thing “special” about Impish’s special effects is Impish!

Or in Impish’s case at least until room service shows up with his coffee and breakfast

 

Brainbats? Oh so THAT is what happen to Impish’s brains! I knew it wasn’t the zombies!

ESPECIALLY if one belongs to a Dragon!

graphics  from:  http://tomkrohneportfolio.blogspot.com/

 

Halloween Hits Volumes 1 thru 8

A mixture of oldies and newer songs assured to get you in the seasonal frame of mind

http://www.halloweenhitswebsite.com/

 

Or Impish Dragon in disguise taking candy from babies…literally 

 

Halloween Movie Details

• “Halloween” was made in only 21 days in 1978 on a very limited budget.
• The movie was shot in the Spring and used fake autumn leaves.
• The mask used by Michael Meyers in the movie “Halloween” was actually William Shatner’s mask painted white.
• The character Laurie Strode, played by Jamie Lee Curtis was named after John Carpenter’s first girlfriend.
• While the setting for the story is in Illinois, the vehicles have California license plates.

 

Halloween Holiday Trivia

• Orange and black are Halloween colors because orange is associated with the Fall harvest and black is associated with darkness and death.
• Pumpkins also come in white, blue and green. Great for unique monster carvings!
• Halloween was brought to North America by immigrants from Europe who would celebrate the harvest around a bonfire, share ghost stories, sing, dance and tell fortunes.
• Tootsie Rolls were the first wrapped penny candy in America.
• The ancient Celts thought that spirits and ghosts roamed the countryside on Halloween night. They began wearing masks and costumes to avoid being recognized as human.
• Halloween candy sales average about 2 billion dollars annually in the United States.
• Chocolate candy bars top the list as the most popular candy for trick-or-treaters with Snickers #1.
• Bobbing for apples is thought to have originated from the roman harvest festival that honors Pamona, the goddess of fruit trees.
• Black cats were once believed to be witch’s familiars who protected their powers.

 

 

Q: Why don’t witches like to ride their brooms when they’re angry?
A: They’re afraid of flying off the handle.

Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?
A: Lake Erie.

Q: How can you tell when a window is scared?
A: They get shudders.

Q: Why didn’t the skeleton dance at the Halloween party?
A: It had no body to dance with.

Q: What do you say to a ghost with three heads?
A: Hello, hello, hello.

Q: What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
A: Spelling!

Q: When does a skeleton laugh?
A: When something tickles his funny bone.

Q: What tops off a ghost’s sundae?
A: Whipped Scream

Q: What has a black hat, flies on a broomstick, and can’t see anything?
A: A witch with her eyes closed.

Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he’s always a goblin.

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in a fog?
A: He’s mist.

Q: What sailor like to be chilled to the bone?
A: A skeleton crew.

Q: Where does Count Dracula usually eat his lunch?
A: In the casketeria.

Q: Where did the goblin throw the football?
A: Over the ghoul line.

 

  Halloween Facts:

Monster Trivia & Folklore

• Signs of a werewolf are a unibrow, hair palms, tattoos, and a long middle finger.
• Vampires are mythical beings who defy death by sucking the blood of humans.
• In 1962, The Count Dracula Society was founded by Dr. Donald A. Reed.
• To this day, there are vampire clubs and societies with people claiming to be real vampires.
• There really are so-called vampire bats, but they’re not from Transylvania. They live in Central and South America and feed on the blood of cattle, horses and birds.
• Many people still believe that gargoyles were created by medieval architects and stone carvers to ward off evil spirits.

 

Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men

1. Every year you get a brand new crop to choose from.

2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins are always ready to greet you with a smile.

3. One usually makes a better pie.

4. They are always on the doorstep there waiting for you!

5. If you don’t like the way he looks, you just carve up another face.

6. If he starts smelling up your place, you can just throw him out.

7. From the start you know a pumpkin has an empty, mush filled head to begin with.

8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when you want him to be.

The Pumpkin:

Carving Pumpkins dates back to the eighteenth century and to an Irish blacksmith named Jack who colluded with the Devil and was denied entry to Heaven. He was condemned to wander the earth but asked the Devil for some light. He was given a burning coal ember which he placed inside a turnip that he had gouged out.
The tradition of Jack O’Lanterns was born – the bearer being the wandering blacksmith – a damned soul. Villagers in Ireland hoped that the lantern in their window would keep the wanderer away. When the Irish emigrated in millions to America there was not a great supply of turnips so pumpkins were used instead.

 

Stingy Jack, The legend of Jack O’Lantern

 

 

What a fantastic likeness of our reader K~squared!

I think one of my cats, the mischievous one posed for this

Wonder if they used the Force or a Lightsaber to carve this one?

You have NO idea how hard it was to find a pumpkin large enough to carve a likeness of Impish on!

Here’s a rendition of Molly cooking my birthday dinner a few weeks back captured on a pumpkin.

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-or-Treating is Better Than Sex

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.

9. If you get tired, wait ten minutes and go back at it again.

8. The stranger you look, the easier it is to get some.

7. You don’t have to compliment the person who gave it to you.

6. Person you are with doesn’t fantasize you’re someone else, you already are.

5. If you get a stomach ache, it won’t last nine months.

4. If you wear leather and chains, no one thinks you’re kinky.

3. Doesn’t matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.

2. Less guilt the next morning from over-indulging.

1. If you don’t get what you want at one place, you can always go next door to get more!

 

Traditional Samhain Fare

Colcannon for Dinner: Boiled Potato, Curly Kale (a cabbage) and raw Onions are provided as the traditional Irish Halloween dinner. Clean coins are wrapped in baking paper and placed in the potato for children to find and keep.

The Barnbrack Cake: The traditional Halloween cake in Ireland is the barnbrack which is a fruit bread. Each member of the family gets a slice. Great interest is taken in the outcome as there is a piece of rag, a coin and a ring in each cake. If you get the rag then your financial future is doubtful. If you get the coin then you can look forward to a prosperous year. Getting the ring is a sure sign of impending romance or continued happiness.

While arguably Colcannon IS good eats, its not particularly scary or fun, from my point of view two very important things to be had on this day so here are a couple of recipes that are!

Creepy Mummy Dogs Recipe

You’ll find recipes for these cute-and-spooky mummy dogs all over the web. But –in our humble opinion– this one takes Halloween recipes fun to a whole new level. Why? Because as well as cute and tasty, these mummy dogs are super easy to make, as they use breadstick dough instead of the biscuit dough called for in most recipes. So your dough will already be perfectly suited to making mummy wrappings. This will be one of the kids’ favorite Halloween treat recipes, without a doubt.

Serve these on a cute festive Halloween tray with ketchup “blood” dipping sauce and green food-colored mustard “bile” dipping sauce, and listen to the oohs and ahs of appreciation. They’re really cute and fun to eat.

Ingredients:
1 (11 oz) can refrigerated breadstick dough
2 slices cheddar cheese, quartered (optional)
8 hot dogs
black mustard seeds

Instructions: 1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F.

2. If desired, place one cheddar cheese slice on your hot dog. Then wrap each dog to look like a mummy, leaving a open area for the eyes.

3. Cut two tiny slits in the exposed hot dog and insert two black mustard seeds for eyes. If you’d like to give your mummies entire faces, you can cut a little slit for a mouth, which will gape open a bit during cooking.

4. Place mummy dogs on an ungreased baking sheet and bake around 15 minutes, until golden.

5. Serve with plenty of ketchup and mustard and listen to the kids rave about having such Halloween recipes fun.

 

Scary Halloween Recipes: Slithering Snake Pizza

This Halloween snack recipe is always one of the first things to disappear from any Halloween buffet table– kids love it! It’s colorful, fun, and oh-so-cute. As a bonus, it’s one of those Halloween recipe ideas that’s easy to personalize. Don’t like the combo of pepperoni, ham, and sausage? Use whatever you or your kids like. If you can put it on a pizza, you can put it in this recipe.

We usually do an “adult” version of this Halloween recipe, complete with mushrooms and peppers, and a kids’ version, with just pepperoni and cheese or with ham and pineapple. It’s good any way you make it, and looks great on a festive Halloween tray. Just be sure not to use anything too watery (or drain watery ingredients well) to avoid a soggy snake.

This is one of those Halloween recipe ideas that’s fun to have the kids help with. If you’re making this for the first time, I’d suggest buying an extra can of crescent rolls to have on hand in case you need to patch your dough in places. Any openings in the snake will split and leak during cooking.

Serves 10-12 as an appetizer

Ingredients:
2 (8 oz.) cans crescent rolls
flour, for dusting
1/2 C. prepared pizza sauce
10 oz. thinly sliced pepperoni
10 oz. thinly sliced ham, chopped
10 oz. Italian sausage, cooked, crumbled, and drained
12 oz. mozzarella cheese, grated
1/2 C. fine, freshly grated Parmesan cheese

Decorating:
Liquid food coloring, your choice of colors
4 egg yolks, divided
2 peppercorns
2 pimento-stuffed green olives
1 roasted red pepper

Instructions: 1. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F.

2. On a lightly floured surface, spread out your two batches of crescent dough end-to-end lenghtwise. Be careful not to let the sections separate.

3. Pinch all the seams together until you get one block of dough.

4. With a flour-brushed rolling pin, roll your crescent dough into a large, long rectangle. Don’t roll it too thin, or it will split.

5. Spoon pizza sauce on top of dough, leaving an inch of bare dough on all four edges.

6. Sprinkle meats on top of sauce, followed by any other optional toppings.

7. Sprinkle with cheeses.

8. Fold one side of the dough lenghtwise over the topping, up to the half-point of the rectangle.

9. Fold the other side over to meet it. Pinch and press the dough together on all sides to seal.

10. With a pastry brush, brush the beaten yolk of one egg onto the top of the dough.

11. Fold your filled dough in half lengthwise. The egg yolk should help it stick. A seam should be created lengthwise along the dough. Pinch this seam together to fully seal and make a sort of cylinder. Be sure all seams are well closed. Any open seams will open further during baking.

12. Gently manipulate ends into a snake shape– one end should be tapered for a tail, and the other shaped for the head. Don’t curve it into a snake yet. You’ll do that right before baking.

Decorating Instructions:
1. Beat each of your remaining three egg yolks in a separate bowl.

2. Add the food coloring of your choice to each bowl to make three separate “paints.”

3. With a pastry brush or a food-safe paintbrush, decorate your snake as desired.

4. Transfer painted snake to a foiled-lined, greased baking sheet.

5. Gently shape as desired, into an “S” or other snakey shape.

6. Stick two peppercorns into the front of the snout for nostrils.

7. Slice your roasted red pepper into a forked tongue. Insert into front of head.

8. Bake your snake about 20 minutes, until golden and cooked through.

9. Remove from oven. Attach olive “eyes” to the top of the head using toothpicks. Pimento centers should face forward.

 

Halloween Snack Recipe: Creepy Deviled Eyeballs

If you like deviled eggs, you’ll love these deviled eyeballs. This is one of those fun Halloween recipe ideas that’s easy to make, tastes great, and looks terrific on your Halloween food table.

You can adjust the amounts as desired– this is a very flexible recipe, and you can add pretty much whatever you like.

Ingredients:
12 hard boiled eggs
1/2 C. mayonnaise or Miracle Whip
2 green onions, finely minced
1 tsp. dried parsley flakes
1/2 tsp. dry ground mustard
1/4 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. paprika
1/4 tsp. garlic powder
blue food coloring, as needed
red paste food coloring, as needed
24 slices of black olives
pimentos or fresh red peppers

Instructions: 1. Peel the hard boiled eggs and slice in half lengthwise. Scoop the yolks out into a medium bowl and reserve the whites until needed.

2. With the back of a fork, mash the yolks until smooth.

3. Add mayo, onions, parsley, mustard, salt, paprika, and garlic powder. Mix well.

4. Add a few drops of blue food coloring to turn the yellow mixture a soft green.

5. Spoon green yolk mixture into the cavity in each white half, dividing evenly.

5. On top of each yolk filling, place one black olive slice. Add a small piece of pimento or red pepper for the pupil.

6. With a toothpick dipped in red food coloring paste, draw red veins on egg white’s surface.

7. Cover and chill until ready to serve.

Tombstone Brownies

Tombstone Brownies make the perfect Halloween dessert for any Halloween party or event. They’re very easy to make 🙂 , all you’ll need is brownies, or make your own with brownie mix and of course your own cookie tombstones that you can also shape yourself, or use a tombstone cookie cutter. After those two are done you can just go crazy with your own icing and candy decorations and then enjoy <3.

Brownie Ingredients

6 Tablespoons Unsweetened Cocoa

1/4 Cup Butter

1 Cup Sugar

1/2 Teaspoon Vanilla

1/4 Teaspoon Salt

1/3 Cup Flour

2 Eggs

Tombstone Brownies Directions

In a microwavable dish, melt the 1/4 cup of butter. Stir in the 6 Tablespoons of Unsweetened Cocoa. Mix in sugar, eggs, 1/2 teaspoon Vanilla extract, flour, and salt. Pre-heat the oven to 325F degrees. While waiting for the oven to warm up flour the baking pan.
Pour the brownie batter into an 8×8 dish and cook for 35-40 or until a toothpick stuck in comes out clean.

Cookie Ingredients

3 cups flour

1 cup granulated sugar

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1 cup soft butter

1 egg, slightly beaten

3 tbsp cream

1 tsp almond extract
Chocolate, white and green icing and little candy pumpkins for decor.

Directions for the Tombstone Cookies

Sift dry ingredients together and place into a bowl. Add butter, eggs, cream, and almond extract. Blend thoroughly and chill for several hours. Once chilled break off a piece of dough the size of an apple and pat it flat in your hand.
Roll out dough onto floured board about a 1/4 inch thick. Cut out using tombstone shaped cookie cuter and place onto an ungreased cookie sheet. Bake 5-8 minutes at 400 F. Remove the cookies from the oven as soon as you see them turn color and let cool on a wire rack

Put chocolate frosting on the cut brownies and on one side and place the sugar cookies on the side of the brownie. Decorate with mini pumpkins and more.

 

Creepy Tidbits

• If you see a spider on Halloween, it is the spirit of a loved on watching over you.
• Worldwide, bats are vital natural enemies of night-flying insects.
• The common little brown bat of North America has the longest life span for a mammal it’s size, with a life span averaging 32 years.
• In about 1 in 4 autopsies, a major disease is discovered that was previously undetected.
• The Ouija Board ended up outselling the game of Monopoly in its first full year at Salem. Over two million copies of the Ouija Board were shipped

HALLOWEEN CAKES!

 

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren’t…

1. So…What’d you get in the sack?
2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!
3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!
4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!
5. I got the best piece from that house.
6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!
7. Stick your hand in and guess what you’re feeling….
8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!
9. They’ll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.
10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn’t get my mouth around it!

 

(Nothing scarier than the true appearance of politicians…unless its the realization they have all had their brains removed Hanibal Lecter style!)

Halloween Costumes:

On Halloween night children would dress up in scary costumes and go house to house. ‘Help the Halloween Party’ and ‘Trick or Treat’ were the cries to be heard at each door. This tradition of wearing costumes also dates back to Celtic times. On the special night when the living and the dead were at their closest the Celtic Druids would dress up in elaborate costumes to disguise themselves as spirits and devils in case they encountered other devils and spirits during the night. By disguising they hoped that they would be able to avoid being carried away at the end of the night. This explains why witches, goblins and ghosts remain the most popular choices for the costumes.

 

Most popular Halloween costume? Charlie Sheen is ‘winning’

NEW YORK (CNNMoney) — Tousled hair, a vial of tiger blood and a hefty dose of attitude is all it takes to score a winning costume this Halloween.

Charlie Sheen — a.k.a. “the Rock Star from Mars” — who caused a frenzy following his departure from the sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” earlier this year is now the top choice for a costume this season, according to Spirit Halloween, the country’s largest seasonal Halloween retailer.

In a growing trend toward pop-culture references, top choices for women include Katy Perry, Lady Gaga and Snooki (or any member of the gang from the “Jersey Shore” cast). As for the kids, it’s all about the popular mobile phone app Angry Birds.

Thanks in part to the AMC series “The Walking Dead,” zombies are also making a big comeback, according to a separate report by the National Retail Federation.

“Zombies are everywhere you turn and consumers often take Hollywood and pop-culture and turn it into a costume,” noted Kathy Grannis, spokeswoman for the NRF. Halloween has also become more than a traditional children’s holiday, she said. “Over the last decade, more adults are finding ways to celebrate.”

Of course Halloween costumes need not be bought, homemade ones are often the prize winners because they are different imaginative and one of a kinds as seen here:

What? They’re taking proper precautions! I’m sure his “wine skin” in in a plastic bag just like a real box of wine!

See Impish?! I TOLD YOU your idea was not “new or brilliant”!

Then again if you’re just about scaring the bejayus out of some poor soul say a Dragon….

You can always get a dark suit and a mask like this. Just be sure to have an ammonia inhalant capsule in your pocket for when your unsuspecting victim faints from the fright! I suggest moaning “Tax Dollars!”, “Deficit Spending”, “Trillions!”,  “Drink My Kool~Aid!” or “Four More Years!” instead of “Brains” with this one.

The Obama Zombie is still way scarier!

Other Assorted and Sundry Customs and Superstitions

Snap Apple: After the visits to the neighbours the Halloween games begin, the most popular of which is Snap Apple. An apple is suspended from a string and children are blindfolded. The first child to get a decent bite of the apple gets to keep their prize. The same game can be played by placing apples in a basin of water and trying to get a grip on the apple without too much mess!
The Bonfire: The Halloween bonfire is a tradition to encourage dreams of who your future husband or wife is going to be. The idea was to drop a cutting of your hair into the burning embers and then dream of you future loved one. Halloween was one of the Celt ‘fire’ celebrations.
Blind Date: Blindfolded local girls would go out into the fields and pull up the first cabbage they could find. If their cabbage had a substantial amount of earth attached to the roots then there future loved one would have money. Eating the cabbage would reveal the nature of their future husband – bitter or sweet!
Another way of finding your future spouse is to peel an apple in one go. If done successfully the single apple peel could be dropped on the floor to reveal the initials of the future-intended.
Anti-Fairy Measures: Fairies and goblins try to collect as many souls as they can at Halloween but if they met a person who threw the dust from under their feet at the Fairy then they would be obliged to release any souls that they held captive.
Holy water was sometimes anointed on farm animals to keep them safe during the night. If the animals were showing signs of ill health on All Hallows Eve then they would be spat on to try to ward off any evil spirits.

 

Ghastly Grins (or Groans)

Q: What do you call a goblin who gets too close to a bonfire?
A: Toasty ghosty.

Q: What do you call a ghost with a broken leg?
A: Hoblin Goblin.

Q: What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?
A: A Sand-witch

Q: What did the baby ghost eat for dinner?
A: A boo-loney sandwich.

Q: What do you get when you cross a were-wolf with a drip-dry suit?
A: A wash-and-werewolf.

Q: What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost?
A: Fasten your sheet belt.

Q: Who does a ghoul fall in love with?
A: His ghoul friend.

Q: What is a vampires favourite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel.

Q: What do you call a dog owned by Dracula?
A: A blood hound.

Q: What kind of hot dogs do werewolves like best?
A: Hallowieners.

Q: What do you call serious rocks?
A: Grave stones.

Q: How do you picture yourself flying on a broom?
A: By witchful thinking.

 

Please Drink Responsibly and Moderately

 

 

 

 

More Goulish Humor & Ghastly Grins

The professor was removing organs from the deceased before his students, all the while saying, “. . . and this is the heart, and this is the liver, and this is the kidney, and this is . . .”
“What the heck is the professor doing?” asked a student.
“Shh! He’s giving an organ recital.”

You heard about the little mouse who looked up, saw a bat, and thought it was his fairy godmother?

Bloodshed – where the Red Cross keeps the plasma

Cemetery – bone zone.

Headline: “Due to strike, grave-digging at cemetery will be done by skeleton crews”

A kid stole a sign from a nursery and stuck it in front of a funeral parlor. It read: “LET US DO YOUR PLANTING FOR YOU.”

Undertaker – the last guy to let you down.

Tales of the Macabre – Halloween Stories

If you want to read the great, classic books, stories and tales of Halloween, these are the ones to read. Beginning with the Legend of Sleepy Hallow.

The Legend of Sleepy Hallow, by Washington Irving

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde by Robert Louis Stevenson

The Raven, by Edgard Allen Poe

Rip Van Winkle by Washington Irving

Ulalume by Edgar Allen Poe

The Child That Went With the Fairies, by Le Fanu

Feathertop: A Moralized Legend, by Nathaniel Hawthorne

The Devil and Tom Walker by Washington Irving

Ken’s Myster by Julian Hawthorne

Red Hanrahan by W.B. Yeats

Tales we would like to add since they are out of copyright:

Black Stairs on Fire, Patrick Kennedy 1866
The Method of Making a Magic Staff Albertus Parvus Lucius
Cabbage Thumping Hugh Miller
October 31, 1866-1867 Queen Victoria
John Cokeley and the Fairy: On Preparing a Corpse in Ireland Jeremiah Curtin
Gruesome Halloween Joke New York Times
The Witches’ Hallowmass Ride J. Maxwell Wood
A Ballad of Halloween Theodosia Garrison
Hallowe’en Madison J. Cawein
The Ghost Vicomte de Parny
All-Hallow-Eve James Hogg
By Cupid’s Trick. A Parlor Drama for All Hallowe’en Griffith Wilde
The Immortal Hour William Sharp
The Feast of Samhain, James Stephen 1924
The Fiend’s Field: A Legend of the Wrekin 1832
A Hallowee’n Party Carline Ticknor 1896
All Souls’ Night Dora Sigerson Shorter

 

 

 

 

You know, findingh a suitable “Parting Shot” COmmentary for a Halloween Issue is WAY harder than you’d think…usually that is. This year one just plum fell into my lap (ok actually my inbox). Taken from Thisistrue.com’s weekly e~mail.

WHAT, YOU DIDN’T NOTICE?! The world ended today. It did too! Because some jackass said “The Bible Guarantees It!” you KNOW it happened. Because, you know, it was guaranteed! By the Bible!
I refer, of course, to Harold Camping. His prediction of “rapture” on May 21 flopped when nothing happened. I ran the story in

TRUE, and in a blog post titled “The End of the World: 2011 Edition” (linked below).
When nothing happened, Camping retorted “IT DID TOO!” (which may be a slight paraphrase): May 21 really was Judgment Day, he insisted, and God has done all the reckoning He needed to (despite Camping preaching that the world WOULD, in no uncertain terms, end May 21 in a giant Earthquake; God apparently decided to be much more subtle).

Camping’s own employees didn’t buy it, by the way: “I don’t believe in any of this stuff that’s going on,” a Family Radio receptionist at their Oakland headquarters told CNN in May, “and I plan on being here next week.” But, she said, some co-workers did actually blow their life savings on nice cars or vacations in anticipation of the world (nay: the entire universe!) ending, because, you know, God would want them to have a nice ride to Armageddon. The receptionist noted that “about 80%” of Camping’s own workforce didn’t believe his prediction, and admitted that the calendar she keeps had lots of appointments scheduled for well
after the supposed Armageddon.

So why did Camping change it to today? Apparently He (God, not Camping) needed to process a bunch of paperwork, which would take a few months, and the world will really, Really, REALLY end October 21. And this time he means it!

Yet YOU didn’t even notice you’re dead now. That just shows how observant you are! Well of COURSE Camping is a whackjob. You know that as well as I do. My point is that he was able to convince scads of followers to quit their jobs and blow their life savings on spreading his message of the end of the world. Repent! Hurry! Time’s almost up! Of course few listened to the gullible fools who now are jobless and broke in the worst economy since the Great Depression. Yet still, millions of people — let’s call them “lesser fools” — STILL LISTEN to Camping’s radio stations and the horribly errant words of a false prophet.

And why does THAT matter? I’ve actually heard people say that since the world is ending, we don’t need to take care of it. OK, so Armageddon didn’t happen THIS time (or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or the time before that, or [repeat literally hundreds of times!]), but SURELY it’s coming really, really soon, so why worry about pollution, or climate change, or dumping old tires in streams, or living in a way that’s sustainable for our children, their children, and the generations to come? They’d rather think that God made the world …so that we could screw up His creation. This makes Biblical sense (or even common sense!) …how? The bottom line becomes: if God *doesn’t* destroy the world, WE will. Yeah, surely THAT is what
God would want for his creation!

So my contention, as stated in my tagline on the first story on Camping, is that those who believe this garbage are fools, and “every
rational person on Earth” knows it. It takes a pretty big ego to think the world will end in your lifetime. But hey, don’t worry: when I said it’s the end of the world “2011 edition”, you can count on another prediction in 3… 2… 1….

I’ve got it! How about the end of “the” Mayan calendar? Because clearly, the Maya knew the world was going to end in 2012, so they quit doing the calendar for that reason, NOT because they ran out of flat rock to chisel it on. Here’s the truth: the Maya actually had a number of calendars, ranging from 260 days to a generation — 52 years. The world didn’t end when those calendars did, now did they? But then there’s the Mayan “Long Count” calendar that spans from the modern calendar’s August 11, 3114 BCE, and ends 5,126 years later on December 21st, 2012 — *because it was designed to*. And *obliviots* contend there’s some significance to that, and (EEEEEEEK!) say that MUST be the end of the world. Right.

No, just like the OTHER Mayan calendars simply started over after 260 days, or 365 days, or 52 years, so does the Long Count calendar. Pretty obvious when you think about it, but fear mongers don’t WANT you to  think, they want you to fear. They want you to be irrational – the opposite of rational. Do you just swallow that, or think about what YOU want to believe?

Meanwhile, no one seems to wonder that if the Maya were so smart to know that the world would end well over a thousand years in the future, why weren’t they able to predict their own civilization would die out much, much sooner? Because it did — in the 9th century. When the “world ends in 2012” prediction joins the hundreds before it and also proves false, you can be SURE there will be another one. (See: “It takes a pretty big ego to think the world will end in  our lifetime,” above.) Fear mongers want you to live in fear; that gives them power. I refuse to, and invite you to live with me — with common sense and rationality. That’s the sort of thing you can do when you think for yourself, rather than listen to obliviots who do numerology on select Biblical passages, or on the lint in their navels, or the dust on their brains. Meanwhile, Camping’s Family Radio is STILL asking for contributions to Spread The Word. Yes, really.

The truth is, life is uncertain. It’s likely to continue for thousands and thousands of years into the future, and there will be good times and bad times, just like always. The best we can do is to leave a better world for our kids than our parents left for us. Is that really too much to ask?

Seems to me that P.T. Barnum had it right when he said;

“There’s a sucker born every minute”

What he left out was that said sucker would fall into one of three distinct categories and that falling into multiple catagories was possible. “And those categories are Lethal?” you ask.

Simple:

• The Religious Sucker:  they believe crap like above, god hates gays so much he kills American troops & that if they do not donate their life savings to a Televangelist already living the high life off their donations God will “call him home”
• The Internet Sucker: Believes everything he sees and reads on the internet. Forwards every piece of claptrap and Chain Letter that comes his way. The thought of checking Urban Legend reference sites for the possibility that things that sound as bizarre as sticking a burned hand in a bag of flour making the burn disappear being bullshit never occurs to them. Further when confronted about it they will insist it has to be true because it would not be on-line otherwise. These people also frequently believe that AOL is the internet and everything on it works the way the weird little parallel universe that is AOL does.
• The Conspiracy Theorist: Never saw a stet of disassociated facts or random coincides  they they could not spin into a fervent and devotedly held Conspiracy Theory. The farther removed from reality and/or realm of possibility the more strongly held the belief in the Conspiracy Theory and certainty that our government is behind it. I have to tell you that “the man on the grassy knoll” still gets a charge out of being mentioned in every Who Killed JFK? theory that comes along.
• Liberals/Democrats: These deep drinkers of the preverbal Kool~Aid believe that a Socialist Muslim nobody with barely any accreditable governmental experience was going to bring about “Hope & Change” by burying us deeper into debt, blaming his predecessor and apologizing to the world for being the ONLY Democratic Republic Governed Super Power, lo even the LAST Super Power remaining while his whites hating wife openly professed her shame over America while he attempted pulling a Robin Hood via the US Tax Code.

 

NOW, if you’ll excuse, me I have to jet over to New Mexico and pick up Elvis where he works as a short order cook in a Truck Stop. Then he and I are going to Area 51 to pick up the Roswell Aliens and then its off to blend in in San Francisco for a night of Trick or Treating with Jim Morrison.

Good Morning Campers… Continuing our saga of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, you’ll find part 2 of “What is Breast Cancer” in today’s Last Word…
Also, a reminder to click on The Breast Cancer Site every day to help provide mammograms to those women who might not otherwise get them.  It’s fast, easy and important.
Another weekend of work (captivity) for me.  It will be 20 days next Friday before I finally get a day off.  It’s a darn good thing I like my job!

LOL.

Okay, enough jabbering from me….

From Diaman, our own Pun Queen

Public Urged to Stay Indoors After Exotic Animals Escape From Ohio Preserve

Authorities in Ohio are urging people to stay inside their homes while officers with assault rifles hunt for a “handful” of potentially dangerous exotic animals that escaped from a wild-animal preserve on Tuesday.

 

Deputies said Wednesday that they had killed or captured most of the animals that escaped from the Muskingum County Animal Farm in Zanesville after the owner threw their cages open and committed suicide.

After an all-night hunt, almost all of the 48 escaped animals, which included lions and bears, had been killed or captured. As of Wednesday afternoon, officers were still hunting for a wolf and ape, authorities said.

 

Mike Dodd with the Muskingum County Sheriff’s Office told FoxNews.com that authorities are urging the public to “keep your eyes open.”

 

Schools were also closed, parents were warned to keep children and pets indoors and flashing signs along highways told motorists, “Caution exotic animals” and “Stay in vehicle.”

 

“It’s like Noah’s ark, like, wrecking right here in Zanesville, Ohio,” said Jack Hanna, former director of the Columbus Zoo. “Noah’s ark filled with tigers and lions and all leopards and a few monkeys and whatever, and it crashes here and all of a sudden they’re out there.”

 

Neighbor Danielle White, whose father’s property abuts the Muskingum County Animal Farm, said she didn’t see loose animals this time but did in 2006, when a lion escaped.

 

“It’s always been a fear of mine knowing (the owner) had all those animals,” she said. “I have kids. I’ve heard a male lion roar all night.”

 

Officers in the mostly rural area about 55 miles east of Columbus were under orders to shoot to kill for fear that animals hit with tranquilizer darts would run off and hide in the darkness.

 

The owner of the preserve, Terry Thompson, left the cages open and the fences unsecured, releasing dozens of animals, including lions, tigers, bears and wolves, before committing suicide, said Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz.

 

Authorities would not say how he killed himself and no suicide note was found. Lutz wouldn’t speculate on why he committed suicide. But Thompson had had repeated run-ins with the law, and Lutz said the sheriff’s office had received numerous complaints since 2004 about animals at the property.

 

“This is a bad situation,” the sheriff said. “It’s been a situation for a long time.”

 

Hanna said that of the three animals believed to be unaccounted for, he was most concerned about the mountain lion, because of its impressive leaping ability. He said anyone confronting these animals should not run, because they will give chase.

 

Hanna defended the sheriff against criticism that the animals should have been captured alive.

“What was he to do at nighttime with tigers and lions, leopards, going out there?” Hanna said. “In the wild this would be a different situation.”

 

The preserve in Zanesville had lions, tigers, cheetahs, wolves, giraffes, camels and bears. Lutz called the animals “mature, very big, aggressive” but said a caretaker told authorities they had been fed on Monday.

From our dear friend and oft contributor K²…

HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin with: “Woke up this morning…”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like “I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are
still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ’cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom’s
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League colleges
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.

20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot possibly ever even hope to sing the blues

 

Why (just) taxing the rich won’t work.  A very good video demonstration!

Taxing the rich!

 

While in China, Scott is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.  The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

Scott returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, Scott.  You’ve contracted Mongolian VD.  It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.”

Scott looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something to fix me up, doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure.  We’re going to have to amputate it.”

Scott screams in horror, “Absolutely not!  I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies, “Well, go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, Scott seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.  The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease.

Scott says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate.  Make more money dat way.  No need to amputate!”

“Oh thank God!” Scott replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two weeks…fawl off by self!”

I know it’s past, but this look back ten years is well worth it.

How To Be Classy In Three Easy Steps

• 1 step: Open this tab.

Now this is really something!  This is what makes the internet so spectacular!

MOVE THE MOUSE AROUND AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Here is an amazing bit of technology that you would never see in person, as you would NEVER be alone in the room. It is ALWAYS VERY CROWDED and of course you can’t see Michelangelo’s artwork close up as you can here. This is especially spectacular if you have a large high-definition screen! Too many details to view on an iPhone.

TO VIEW EVERY PART OF THE MICHELANGELO’S MASTERPIECE, JUST CLICK AND DRAG YOUR ARROW IN THE DIRECTION YOU WISH TO SEE. In the lower left, click on the plus (+) to move closer, on the minus (-) to move away. Choir is thrown in free. MOVE THE ARROW AND YOU WILL SEE EVERY PART OF THE CHAPEL.

This virtual tour of the Sistine Chapel is incredible. Apparently done by Villanova at the request of the Vatican .

Click here: Sistine Chapel

This one is really bloody awful!

Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, “These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”

SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.
Moral of the story:
“Hard work is never appreciated”

Today’s Last Word…A continuation of information about Breast Cancer from the Breast Cancer Site

Early Signs

• A lump is detected, which is usually single, firm, and most often painless.

• A portion of the skin on the breast or underarm swells and has an unusual appearance.

• Veins on the skin surface become more prominent on one breast.

• The breast nipple becomes inverted, develops a rash, changes in skin texture, or has a discharge other than breast milk.

• A depression is found in an area of the breast surface.

Women’s breasts can develop some degree of lumpiness, but only a small percentage of lumps are malignant.

While a history of breast cancer in the family may lead to increased risk, most breast cancers are diagnosed in women with no family history. If you have a family history of breast cancer, this should be discussed with your doctor.

“Mammograms are among the best early detection methods, yet 13 million U.S. women 40 years of age or older have never had a mammogram.” 
—National Breast Cancer Foundation

 

Detection Plan

An Early Breast Cancer Detection Plan should include:

• Clinical breast examinations every three years from ages 20-39, then every year thereafter.

• Monthly breast self-examinations beginning at age 20. Look for any changes in your breasts.

• Baseline mammogram by the age of 40.

• Mammogram every one to two years for women 40-49, depending on previous findings.

• Mammogram every year for women 50 and older.

• A personal calendar to record your self-exams, mammograms, and doctor appointments.

• A low-fat diet, regular exercise, and no smoking or drinking.

How to Conduct a Breast Self-Exam

In the shower: Fingers flat, move gently over every part of each breast. Use your right hand to examine left breast, left hand for right breast.

Check for any lump, hard knot or thickening. Carefully observe any changes in your breasts.

Before a mirror: Inspect your breasts with arms at your sides. Next, raise your arms high overhead.

Look for any changes in contour of each breast, a swelling, a dimpling of skin or changes in the nipple. Then rest palm on hips and press firmly to flex your chest muscles. Left and right breasts will not exactly match — few women’s breasts do.

Lying down: Place pillow under right shoulder, right arm behind your head. With fingers of left hand flat, press right breast gently in small circular motions, moving vertically or in a circular pattern covering the entire breast. Use light, medium and firm pressure. Squeeze nipple; check for discharge and lumps. Repeat these steps for your left breast.

 

Common Myths

MYTH: Finding a lump in your breast means you have breast cancer.

TRUTH: Eight out of ten lumps are benign, or not cancerous. If you discover a persistent lump in your breast or any changes in breast tissue, it is very important that you see a physician immediately. Many times fear keeps women from aggressive health care. Sometimes women stay away from medical care because they fear what they might find. Take charge of your own health by monthly self-exams, regular visits to the doctor, and regularly scheduled mammograms.

The diagram to the right illustrates some common non-cancerous breast anomalies. Although these may feel like lumps to the touch, they should not be cause for concern. However, only your doctor can diagnose these conditions and suggest treatment. The bottom line is, if you detect something out of the ordinary during your monthly breast self-exam, see your doctor immediately. Early detection always is the best form of prevention.

MYTH: Men do not get breast cancer.

TRUTH: This year 178,480 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 40,460 will die; however, 1,600 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 400 will die. While the percentage of men who are diagnosed with breast cancer is small, men should also give themselves monthly exams and note changes to their physicians.

“Do not let tales of other people’s experiences keep you from having a mammogram.” 
—National Breast Cancer Foundation

MYTH: A mammogram can cause breast cancer to spread.

TRUTH: An X-ray of the breast is called a mammogram. The X-ray and the pressure on the breast from the X-ray machine cannot cause cancer to spread. Do not let tales of other people’s experiences keep you from having a mammogram. Base your decision on your physician’s recommendation and ask the physician any questions you may have about the mammogram.

MYTH: Having a family history of breast cancer means you will get breast cancer.

TRUTH: While women who have a family history of breast cancer are in a higher risk group, most women who have breast cancer have no family history. If you have a mother, daughter, sister, or grandmother who had breast cancer, you should have a mammogram five years before the age of their diagnosis.

MYTH: Breast cancer is a communicable disease.

TRUTH: You cannot catch breast cancer or transfer it to someone else’s body. Breast cancer is the result of uncontrolled cell growth in your own body.

MYTH: Knowing you have changes in the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene means you can prevent breast cancer.

TRUTH: Five percent to ten percent of women who have breast cancer are thought to carry the mutant BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene. Alterations in these genes for men and women can predispose them to breast cancer. If you are a carrier of the genes, your physician should monitor you closely. Carriers of the genes have a lifetime risk of developing breast cancer.