Dragon Laffs #1245


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Tresspasser2_thumb1_thumb_thumb_thumGood Morning Campers… Continuing our saga of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, you’ll find part 2 of “What is Breast Cancer” in today’s Last Word…
Also, a reminder to click on The Breast Cancer Site every day to help provide mammograms to those women who might not otherwise get them.  It’s fast, easy and important.
Another weekend of work (captivity) for me.  It will be 20 days next Friday before I finally get a day off.  It’s a darn good thing I like my job!

LOL.

Okay, enough jabbering from me….1_thumb9_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

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From Diaman, our own Pun Queen

A Golfer’s Diet: Live on greens as much as possible.
 
Stars clean themselves with meteor showers.
 
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
 
The cost of feathers has risen. Now even down is up.
 
Underpaid weather forecasters predicted a storm of protest.
 
The young pine sapling was admonished by his father.  Apparently he’d been knotty.

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Public Urged to Stay Indoors After Exotic Animals Escape From Ohio Preserve

Authorities in Ohio are urging people to stay inside their homes while officers with assault rifles hunt for a “handful” of potentially dangerous exotic animals that escaped from a wild-animal preserve on Tuesday.

 

Deputies said Wednesday that they had killed or captured most of the animals that escaped from the Muskingum County Animal Farm in Zanesville after the owner threw their cages open and committed suicide.

 

After an all-night hunt, almost all of the 48 escaped animals, which included lions and bears, had been killed or captured. As of Wednesday afternoon, officers were still hunting for a wolf and ape, authorities said.

 

Mike Dodd with the Muskingum County Sheriff’s Office told FoxNews.com that authorities are urging the public to “keep your eyes open.” 2b

 

Schools were also closed, parents were warned to keep children and pets indoors and flashing signs along highways told motorists, “Caution exotic animals” and “Stay in vehicle.”

 

“It’s like Noah’s ark, like, wrecking right here in Zanesville, Ohio,” said Jack Hanna, former director of the Columbus Zoo. “Noah’s ark filled with tigers and lions and all leopards and a few monkeys and whatever, and it crashes here and all of a sudden they’re out there.”

 

Neighbor Danielle White, whose father’s property abuts the Muskingum County Animal Farm, said she didn’t see loose animals this time but did in 2006, when a lion escaped.

 

“It’s always been a fear of mine knowing (the owner) had all those animals,” she said. “I have kids. I’ve heard a male lion roar all night.”

 

Officers in the mostly rural area about 55 miles east of Columbus were under orders to shoot to kill for fear that animals hit with tranquilizer darts would run off and hide in the darkness.

 

The owner of the preserve, Terry Thompson, left the cages open and the fences unsecured, releasing dozens of animals, including lions, tigers, bears and wolves, before committing suicide, said Muskingum County Sheriff Matt Lutz.

 

Authorities would not say how he killed himself and no suicide note was found. Lutz wouldn’t speculate on why he committed suicide. But Thompson had had repeated run-ins with the law, and Lutz said the sheriff’s office had received numerous complaints since 2004 about animals at the property.

 

“This is a bad situation,” the sheriff said. “It’s been a situation for a long time.”

 

Hanna said that of the three animals believed to be unaccounted for, he was most concerned about the mountain lion, because of its impressive leaping ability. He said anyone confronting these animals should not run, because they will give chase.

 

Hanna defended the sheriff against criticism that the animals should have been captured alive.

“What was he to do at nighttime with tigers and lions, leopards, going out there?” Hanna said. “In the wild this would be a different situation.”

 

The preserve in Zanesville had lions, tigers, cheetahs, wolves, giraffes, camels and bears. Lutz called the animals “mature, very big, aggressive” but said a caretaker told authorities they had been fed on Monday.



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From our dear friend and oft contributor K²…

HOW TO PLAY AND SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin with: “Woke up this morning…”

2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like “I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.”

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pound.”

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There ain’t no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.

6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City are
still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don’t get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg ’cause you were skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg ’cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can’t have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom’s
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League colleges
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ‘less you slept in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
Yes, if:
a. you older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can’t be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a 401K or trust fund

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and your darlin’ give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. nasty black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast

15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can’t have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:2c
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, and Heather can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, etc..)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.

20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot possibly ever even hope to sing the blues
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Why (just) taxing the rich won’t work.  A very good video demonstration!

Taxing the rich!

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Remember that satellite that recently was going to drop a huge chunk …..somewhere – maybe Canada, maybe India, maybe Washington State ….but it was going to fall “somewhere”? And, there was “only a 1/3200 chance” that it would injure somebody? Then, NASA announced that it had fallen to earth, but they didn’t know where? Well, here’s the straight skinny on where it landed….
 

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While in China, Scott is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time he is there.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.  The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

Scott returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, Scott.  You’ve contracted Mongolian VD.  It’s very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it.”

Scott looks a little perplexed and says, “Well, give me a shot or something to fix me up, doc.”

The doctor answers, “I’m sorry, there’s no known cure.  We’re going to have to amputate it.”

Scott screams in horror, “Absolutely not!  I want a second opinion.”

The doctor replies, “Well, go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.”

The next day, Scott seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease.  The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, “Ah yes, Mongolian VD.  Vewy ware disease.

Scott says to the doctor, “Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do?  My American doctor wants to operate and amputate it!”

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. “Stupid American docttah, always want to opawate.  Make more money dat way.  No need to amputate!”

“Oh thank God!” Scott replies.

“Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, “Wait two weeks…fawl off by self!”

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I know it’s past, but this look back ten years is well worth it.

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How To Be Classy In Three Easy Steps

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Now this is really something!  This is what makes the internet so spectacular!

MOVE THE MOUSE AROUND AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

Here is an amazing bit of technology that you would never see in person, as you would NEVER be alone in the room. It is ALWAYS VERY CROWDED and of course you can’t see Michelangelo’s artwork close up as you can here. This is especially spectacular if you have a large high-definition screen! Too many details to view on an iPhone.

TO VIEW EVERY PART OF THE MICHELANGELO’S MASTERPIECE, JUST CLICK AND DRAG YOUR ARROW IN THE DIRECTION YOU WISH TO SEE. In the lower left, click on the plus (+) to move closer, on the minus (-) to move away. Choir is thrown in free. MOVE THE ARROW AND YOU WILL SEE EVERY PART OF THE CHAPEL.

This virtual tour of the Sistine Chapel is incredible. Apparently done by Villanova at the request of the Vatican .

Click here: Sistine Chapel

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Groaner Zack

This one is really bloody awful!

Noah was told that of all the animals on the ark, only the adders refused to obey God’s command and go forth and multiply.

“Well,” said Noah. “I’ll have to ask the Lord what to do about that.” And so he prayed to God and said, “These snakes won’t go forth and multiply”

And God said, “Don’t worry. Find some the trees and saw them into logs and create a platform sitting upon four legs. Then put the snakes on the platform.”

“But how will that help the snakes?” asked Noah.

“Easy,” replied God, “Everyone knows even adders can multiply using a log table!”

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Motivational Gamer toilet

Motivational Get Out

Motivational Guess

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SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say “congrats”.
But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.
Moral of the story:
“Hard work is never appreciated”

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Today’s Last Word…A continuation of information about Breast Cancer from the Breast Cancer Site

Early Signs

  • A lump is detected, which is usually single, firm, and most often painless.
  • A portion of the skin on the breast or underarm swells and has an unusual appearance.
  • Veins on the skin surface become more prominent on one breast.
  • The breast nipple becomes inverted, develops a rash, changes in skin texture, or has a discharge other than breast milk.
  • A depression is found in an area of the breast surface.


Women’s breasts can develop some degree of lumpiness, but only a small percentage of lumps are malignant.

While a history of breast cancer in the family may lead to increased risk, most breast cancers are diagnosed in women with no family history. If you have a family history of breast cancer, this should be discussed with your doctor.

“Mammograms are among the best early detection methods, yet 13 million U.S. women 40 years of age or older have never had a mammogram.” 
—National Breast Cancer Foundation



 

Detection Plan

An Early Breast Cancer Detection Plan should include:

  • Clinical breast examinations every three years from ages 20-39, then every year thereafter.
  • Monthly breast self-examinations beginning at age 20. Look for any changes in your breasts.
  • Baseline mammogram by the age of 40.
  • Mammogram every one to two years for women 40-49, depending on previous findings.
  • Mammogram every year for women 50 and older.
  • A personal calendar to record your self-exams, mammograms, and doctor appointments.
  • A low-fat diet, regular exercise, and no smoking or drinking.


How to Conduct a Breast Self-Exam

In the shower: Fingers flat, move gently over every part of each breast. Use your right hand to examine left breast, left hand for right breast.

Check for any lump, hard knot or thickening. Carefully observe any changes in your breasts.

Before a mirror: Inspect your breasts with arms at your sides. Next, raise your arms high overhead.

Look for any changes in contour of each breast, a swelling, a dimpling of skin or changes in the nipple. Then rest palm on hips and press firmly to flex your chest muscles. Left and right breasts will not exactly match — few women’s breasts do.

Lying down: Place pillow under right shoulder, right arm behind your head. With fingers of left hand flat, press right breast gently in small circular motions, moving vertically or in a circular pattern covering the entire breast. Use light, medium and firm pressure. Squeeze nipple; check for discharge and lumps. Repeat these steps for your left breast.



 

Common Myths

MYTH: Finding a lump in your breast means you have breast cancer.

TRUTH: Eight out of ten lumps are benign, or not cancerous. If you discover a persistent lump in your breast or any changes in breast tissue, it is very important that you see a physician immediately. Many times fear keeps women from aggressive health care. Sometimes women stay away from medical care because they fear what they might find. Take charge of your own health by monthly self-exams, regular visits to the doctor, and regularly scheduled mammograms.

The diagram to the right illustrates some common non-cancerous breast anomalies. Although these may feel like lumps to the touch, they should not be cause for concern. However, only your doctor can diagnose these conditions and suggest treatment. The bottom line is, if you detect something out of the ordinary during your monthly breast self-exam, see your doctor immediately. Early detection always is the best form of prevention.

MYTH: Men do not get breast cancer.

TRUTH: This year 178,480 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 40,460 will die; however, 1,600 men will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 400 will die. While the percentage of men who are diagnosed with breast cancer is small, men should also give themselves monthly exams and note changes to their physicians.

“Do not let tales of other people’s experiences keep you from having a mammogram.” 
—National Breast Cancer Foundation

MYTH: A mammogram can cause breast cancer to spread.

TRUTH: An X-ray of the breast is called a mammogram. The X-ray and the pressure on the breast from the X-ray machine cannot cause cancer to spread. Do not let tales of other people’s experiences keep you from having a mammogram. Base your decision on your physician’s recommendation and ask the physician any questions you may have about the mammogram.

MYTH: Having a family history of breast cancer means you will get breast cancer.

TRUTH: While women who have a family history of breast cancer are in a higher risk group, most women who have breast cancer have no family history. If you have a mother, daughter, sister, or grandmother who had breast cancer, you should have a mammogram five years before the age of their diagnosis.

MYTH: Breast cancer is a communicable disease.

TRUTH: You cannot catch breast cancer or transfer it to someone else’s body. Breast cancer is the result of uncontrolled cell growth in your own body.

MYTH: Knowing you have changes in the BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene means you can prevent breast cancer.

TRUTH: Five percent to ten percent of women who have breast cancer are thought to carry the mutant BRCA1 or BRCA2 gene. Alterations in these genes for men and women can predispose them to breast cancer. If you are a carrier of the genes, your physician should monitor you closely. Carriers of the genes have a lifetime risk of developing breast cancer.


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9 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1245

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    Oh THOSE things ARE for Halloween. They are just some of the parts to make our Haunted House special effects run. No worries for you about enemas…at least until you see a huge fire pumper-tanker show up with a brand new 2″ nozzle,5 gallons of Vaseline, bio-hazzard containment gear and a crew of 8 in MOPPS4!

    • impishdragon says:

      Ahhh. Okay, that makes sense. But how am I going to tell your guys in MOPP4 from MY guys in MOPP4? Especially my guys in MOPP4 near the fire station? I’m gonna really have to keep my eyes open for a big box from Vaseline®

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        My guys wear “Shamrock Pattern Camo” MOPPS suits and their unit patch bears my likeness and corporate logo how hard can it be to tell them apart?

  2. I ran the tabs too. I’m worried I may never get any work done … that rain thing grabbed me and I had to force myself to close it, lol!

    Very cool!

    Halloween’s almost here Impish, and can’t help but wonder how a dragon manages to work out that whole costume thing …..

    • impishdragon says:

      Well, Angelia, under normal circumstances, I would just change to my human form, dress up in a costume and go get candy….but it seems this year, Lethal has some sort of plan up his sleeve and I get the feeling it involves my dragon-ness and ought to be exciting. I heard him on the phone the other day ordering several acres of canvas tarp, gallons of black and orange paint, and a fruit basket. Really not sure what he’s got in mind, but I’m a teenie bit frightened.

      • lethalleprechaun says:

        Lethal here~

        1st of all Impish that stuff is for our Thanksgiving themed blog banner which you SAID you were designing in lieu of doing a Thanksgiving Special Issue when I said I was not about to do a special issue a month for 4 months straight (Sept thru Dec) without a significant spendable hard currency raise. You ARE working on a Thanksgiving Themed Banner like you PROMISED aren’t you?

        Secondly, Angelia as Impish’s legal (and for that matter illegal) council of record, let me equivocally state that come Halloween Impish is FULLY intent on honoring and obeying the restraining order concerning impersonation of a certain dinosaur who’s off screen sense of humor leave MUCH to be desired. He is refraining form buying any purple clothing or make up and avoiding all sources of helium or other substances which might alter his voice in such a manner as to have his voice mistaken for said complainant’s voice. As you can see we are even honoring the ridiculous demand that as a corporation we refrain from even speaking his name, running any graphic representations of him, even ones correctly named and attributed for 30 days prior to 30 days after Halloween.

        Lastly I wish to say my client can vouch for his whereabouts for the entire preceding 30 days and unequivocally denies any connection with, to or responsibility for the rumor that a recently disposed despot may or may not have been actually found hiding in a public shopping mall in a suit character/mascot designed to bear resemblance to the restraining order’s complainant!

      • impishdragon says:

        Okay my friend, that’s all well and good, but this morning there was another delivery. I don’t want to know what you need all that rubber tubing and enema bags for! You stay the hell away from me!

  3. lethalleprechaun says:

    Let me just say this,…on second thought Elwood YOU explain it to them.

  4. aka - Dan from NYC says:

    Great issue! I ran the 3 classy tabs and left them open in the background along with the Sistine Chapel choir music then expanded the fire place to full screen. Extremely relaxing!
    Thank you!
    Lemon Legs Harrison

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