Dragon Laffs #1256


header7

Good Morning Campers…adult-Content2_thumb1_thumb_thumb_th01byes, indeed, it is I, the immutable dragon, here on the first issue for 2012.  Now, before you think something hinky is going on, let me just say that this is a temporary gig for me, this Wednesday thing, because our dear Leprechaun is a bit under the weather at the moment and needs some recovery time.  Rumor has it that some of his Marine buddies got together for the new year and went down to our southern border and decided to do a little hunting.  The story goes that they are having so much fun down there playing catch and release with illegal aliens that they’ve extended their vacation.  Well, LL made the mistake of partaking of some tequila that wasn’t up to par and now he’s got a bad case of the galloping-never-get-overs and is home suffering the binge.  (The binge is similar to the bends, but different).  Anyway, you should probably see a special from him on Saturday while I work the weekend duty and then we’ll be back to norms next week.

The Year of the Dragon
23 January 2012 to 9 February 2013

Expect to see lots more about this in upcoming issues.  But for now, …

1_thumb5_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[1]

100

01thug_thumb2_thumb_thumb_thumb_thum

How about a few more New Year’s Resolutions?  Is it too late?  No?  Okay, let’s see, where did we leave off, oh yeah.

#9. I firmly resolve to enthusiastically greet all people when I see them:

#10.  Okay, this one is just wrong.  I resolve to stop doing this:
43

11. I resolutely resolve to not make rude and obtuse play on words with names and pictures …….after this one:
44

12.  I will give more of my off color engagements to my relatives, here’s cousin Bessie covering a gig for me:

Oh, come on!  I could’a been mean and said my ex-wife was covering it for me!  Now that’s hurtful!

13.  I will perform safety checks at ALL stages of production:

14. And speaking of safety, weapons safety is the most important of all and I will religiously check my weapon for a loaded round

01thug_thumb51_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu

Dragon-Pix2_thumb2_thumb_thumb_thumb[1]

DragonPapa1 (148)

01thug_thumb8_thumb_thumb_thumb_thum[1]

In the interest of all things cool, here’s a short video on the USS Stennis
42
http://www.dump.com/2011/04/16/one-us-aircraft-carrier-has-a-more-powerful-air-force-than-70-of-all-countries-video/
This ship and her crew are amazing!

01thug_thumb11_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[1]

40

01thug_thumb14_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

You don’t have to be an engineer to appreciate this story.

A toothpaste factory had a problem: they
sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can´t be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don’t get mad and buy another brand instead.

Understanding how important that was,
the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem, as their engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

The project followed the usual process:
budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution – on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

A while later, the CEO decides to have a
look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints and they were gaining market share. “That’s some money well spent!” – he says, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report.

It turns out; the number of defects picked
up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should´ve been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren’t picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the
factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

“Oh, that,” says one of the workers -“one
of the guys put it there ´cause he was tired of walking over….. ‘every time the bell rang”.

01thug_thumb17_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu

1_thumb1_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[1]

f2009012504

01thug_thumb20_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu

Groaner Zack

Welcome back, Zack!

A sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone’s attention. “Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?” he asks.
“What’s he look like?” asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.
“Well”, replies the Sheriff, “he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket.”
“So what’s he wanted for?” asks the same cowboy.
“Rustlin’.

01thug_thumb23_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[1]

795

01thug_thumb26_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

Thanks to Rose for most of this compilation of hilarious “bar” jokes.  Also, the blame to Rose for this compilation of horrible “bar” jokes.

50 Bar Puns
1. A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.
As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

2. A man walks into a restaurant with his pet alligator under his arm. “Do you serve tax collectors?” he asks the barman.
“Of course,” says the bartender.
“Well,” replies the man, “I’ll have a beer, and my alligator will have a tax collector!”

3. Bacon and eggs walk into a bar after a long day of being Bacon and Eggs. They walk up to the bartender and ask for a beer.
The bartender takes one look at them and says, “Sorry fellas, we don’t serve breakfast.”

4. A chicken walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry we don’t serve poultry.”
The chicken replies, “That’s OK, I only want a drink.”

5. A man walks into a bar, climbs up on a stool, opens a bag and proceeds to stuff his ears with whipped cream and to spread strawberries in his hair.
The bartender watches this performance with amazement before asking, “What would you like to drink?”
“You’ll have to speak up,” replies the man. “I’m a trifle, hard of hearing.”

6. A man walks into a Chinese restaurant but is told by the maître d’ that there will be at least a twenty minute wait and would he like to wait in the bar.
He goes into the bar and the bartender says, “What’ll it be?”
The man replies, “Give me a Stoli with a twist.”
The bartender squints at him for a few seconds, then smiles and says, “Once upon time was four little pig.”

7. 185 cakes walk into a bar.
The bartender shouts, “Get out! We don’t serve your kind here!”
To, which, the cakes reTORT, “Where else should we go?”
And not moving an inch. The bartender, tired of being egged on, replies, “I don’t care, I think there’s a place yeast of here!”

8. So, a snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, “I’ m sorry but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the snake.
The bartender says, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”

9. Drunk guy is sitting in a bar. There is a “very” buxom lady a few seats down. A fellow at the end of the bar calls for a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar. It hits the lady’s breasts and spills all over them.
The bartender goes over, retrieves the glass and licks the beer off of her breasts. This happens a couple more times.
The next time, the drunk jumps up and starts to lick her breasts. She decks him.
He’s laying on the floor and moans, “Why do you let the bartender do it?”
“Because he has a liquor license!”

10. This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“Four bucks,” says the bartender.
“Put it on my bill.”

11. Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not?… We’re cultured individuals.”

12. I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brings out a guy who looks just like me.

13. A mushroom walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind here.”
The mushroom replies, “Aw, c’mon. I’m a fungi.”

14. A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p. m.
One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “This isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No, I’m sorry,” replied the bartender. “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc.”

15. A man walks into a bar, sits down, and tells the bartender, “Hey give me a free drink.”
The bartender looks at him and asks, “Why should I give you a free drink?”
The customer reaches into his pocket, and pulls out a tiny, 10 inch man and sets him carefully on the counter.
The bartender is amazed, and says, “Okay, that’s worth a free drink.” and proceeds to pour him one.
After the customer finishes, he asks for another free drink. The bartender tells him his little man was really cool, but was only worth one drink.
The customer then reaches into another pocket and pulled out a tiny piano and a bar stool, and the 10-inch man sits down and plays a beautiful melody.
The bartender listens and says, “That’s great, but it’s not worth a free drink.”
“Okay” the customer says, and pulls out a genie lamp. “Rub this and you can have any wish you want.”
The bartender does, the genie appears, and the bartender asks for a million bucks.”
Suddenly a million ducks appear. “Hey! I asked for a million bucks, not a million DUCKS!”
“That’s okay; I didn’t ask for a 10-inch pianist either!”

16. A baby seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks the seal what he would like.
The seal responds: Anything but Canadian Club on ice!

17. A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”

18. A dog limps into a bar and says ” I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

19. Two men walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have seen the first one do it.

20. A duck walks into a bar and asks “Got any crackers?” Bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks, “Got any crackers?” Bar tender says no. Duck walks out.
Duck walks in the next day and asks got any crackers?
Bar tender says, “I told you yesterday and the day before that no! And if you ask that one more time I’ll nail your beak shut!” Duck walks out.
Duck comes back the next day and asks, “Got any nails?” bar tender says no.
Duck says “Good. Got any crackers?”

21. A Football and a baseball walk into a bar. The football says “You’re round!”

22. A grasshopper walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he could have some vodka and orange juice.
The bartender brings the drink back to the grasshopper and says, “You know, we have a drink named after you.”
The grasshopper says, “You have a drink named Irving?”

23. Man walks into a bar and shows the bartender a mouse and a frog. He tells him that the frog plays the piano and the mouse sings.
A man sitting nearby overhears this and tells the man he will buy the frog and the mouse for $50. The man accepts, the second man takes the frog and the mouse and leaves.
The bartender says, “You sold that pair for only 50 bucks? That’s too little, you’re a loser!.”
The man snickered and said “Nahh I’m not, he is, the frog is a ventriloquist”

24. A guy walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a sip from each of them in order.
The bartender says,” Why don’t you have one at a time, they begin to go flat as soon as I dispense it?”
“Well,” the guy says, “When my brothers and I split up, we promised to always drink like this to remember the times when we used to drink together.”
The bartender thinks this is a nice tradition and doesn’t say any more. The guy becomes a regular always ordering 3 beers.
Then one day he orders only 2. The bartender doesn’t know what to say but then says, “My condolences on your loss.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Well,,” the bartender replies, “I had thought something may have happened to one of your brothers. I feared the worst!”
The guy laughs and says, “My brothers are fine, it’s just that I’ve quit drinking!”

25. A group of blonds walk into a bar shouting and cheering “Yeah, 31! Let’s here it for 31!”
They order a round of drinks, continuing toasting each other and the number 31.
After about 15 minutes of this, the bartender is starting to get really annoyed. “What’s the deal about 31?” he asks the girls.
One of them turns to him and says “we bought a puzzle that said 2 – 4 years, and we finished it in 31 DAYS!!!”

26. A kangaroo walks into a bar, orders a beer.
Bartender serves him and charges him $15.00. Bartender says, “We don’t get many kangaroos in here.”
Kangaroo says, “No wonder, at these prices.”

27. A drunk walks into a bar and puts his pet cockroach on the bar.
The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”
“That’s not a lion,” replies the drunk. “Dhat’s a dog!”

28. This guy walks into a small town bar and orders a drink from the bartender.
The bartender delivers his drink and shouts out to the bar patrons “46!!” Everyone starts to laugh-
Again he shouts out “39!!” Now the patrons are getting even louder in laughing-
Lastly, he shouts “14!!” Now, people are wiping tears from their eyes
from all the laughing.
The visitor is curious, so he asks the bartender “What is going on?”
The bartender says “This is a small town, with small impressionable children, and so we had decided to put numbers to our naughty jokes rather than tell them in full”
The visitor is astounded “Let me try!!” he says- So he shouts “46!!” Nothing happens
“39!!” Still nothing.
“14!!” and yet still not a sound from the patrons.
The visitor says to the bartender “I don’t understand. I used exactly the same numbers you did and got a completely opposite response.
The bartender replied, “Well, some folks can tell a joke… and some folks can’t!”

29. A guy walks in a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you sell condoms here?”
The bartender replies, “Sure do.”
“How much do they cost?”
“They’re different prices for the different styles. You go over to the right wall, pick out the one you want and come back and let me know which one and I’ll give you a price.”
So the guy goes over and picks out a hot pink one with black poke-a-dots. He asks the bartender how much?
“That will be $1.15 + tax.”
“I don’t need the tacks! It’ll stay on all by itself.”

30. Two piggies walk into a bar, get drunk and ask, “Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
Two more piggies walk into a bar. They soon get drunk and they ask, “Where’s the bathroom?” The bartender points to the door and they rush in.
One piggy walks into a bar. He gets drunk out of his mind and then heads for the exit. “Hey, buddy! Do you wanna know where the bathroom is?” says the bartender.
“No thanks,” the piggy slurs, “I always go WEEWEEWEE all the way home!”

31. A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world.
He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him… So he says he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. The octopus starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. So the man pays his $50.
Another guy walks up with a trumpet, The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzy Gillespie. So the man pays his $50.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and sets it down with a confused look.
“Ha!” the man says, “Can’t you play it?”
The octopus looks up at the man and says “Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I get its pajamas off.”

32. A guy walks into a bar down in Arkansas and orders a Grape Nehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says, “You ain’t from around here… where you from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Pennsylvania.”
The bartender asks, “Whatchu do up in Pennsylvania?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist… what the hell is a taxidermist?
The guy says, “I mount dead animals.”
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, “It’s OK boys, he’s one of us.”

33. A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar and the bartender says, “What is this a joke?”

34. Two jumper cables walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You guys better not start anything in here.”

35. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, “Let me have a beer please, and one more for the road.”

36. A dog walks into this bar, jumps up on the stool and says to the bartender, “Hey barkeep, it’s my birthday today. How ’bout a free drink?”
The bartender turns, looks at the dog and nods his head, “Sure pal, toilet’s right down the hall.”

37. So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar.
Bartender says, “Get out of here! We don’t serve your type. This is a singles bar.”

38. A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn’t long before he was arrested for rustling. Gee….I think I’ve heard this one somewhere before….hell, I think I’ve heard ALL of these somewhere before.  Sigh.  Well, we might as well fight through to the finish, we’re better than halfway there, now.

39, A man who smelled like a distillery walks into a bar and flops on a barstool next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, Father, what causes arthritis?”
“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.”
“Well, I’ll be damned,” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I ‘m very sorry, I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
“I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

40. A pony walks into a bar and says “Bartender, may I have a drink?”
Bartender says “What? I can’t hear you. Speak up!”
“May I please have a drink?”
“What? You have to speak up!”
“Could I please have a drink?”
“Now listen, if you don’t speak up I will not serve you.”
“I’m sorry, I’m just a little hoarse.”

41. This duck walks into a bar and the bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, buddy, your pants are down…”

42. A circus owner walks into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap-dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheelin’ and dealin’ they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, “Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn’t dance a single step!”
“So?” asked the ducks former owner, “Did you remember to light the candle under the pot?”

43. A neutron walks into a bar. “I’d like a beer” he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
“How much will that be?” asks the neutron.
“For you?” replies the bartender, “No charge.”

44. This piece of string walks into a bar.
Before he gets halfway to the bar, the bartender calls out “Hey! String! We don’t serve your sort in here.”
Not to be deterred, the string tries to order a drink, but when the bartender pulls a pair of scissors out from behind the bar, the piece of string decides to leave, running for the door.
Hours later, the piece of string is still frustrated at not being able to get a drink anywhere. He’s all twisted up and his ends are coming loose from being thrown out of so many bars.
Before going into the last bar, the piece of string ruffles his ends up even more and contorts himself trying to disguise the very fiber of his being.
As he goes into the last bar, the bartender calls out, “Hey! You!” Looking carefully, he asks “Are you a piece of string?”
Feigning ignorance, the piece of string says, “No, I’m a frayed knot.”

45. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, “I think I’ve lost an electron.”
The other says “Are you sure?”
The first says, “Yes, I’m positive.”

46. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one is a-salted…

47. Two vampires walk into a bar and call for the bartender. “I’ll have a glass of blood,” says one.
“I’ll have a glass of plasma,” says the other.
“Okay,” replies the bartender, “that’ll be one blood and one blood lite…”

48. This skeleton walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer and a mop…”

49. Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies “I think not” and POOF! He vanishes.

50. A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer.
As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, “Nice tie!” 
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar.
A few sips later the voice said, “Beautiful shirt.”
At this, the man called the bartender over.,” Hey… I must be losing my mind,” he told the bartender. “I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there’s not a soul in here but us.”
“It’s the peanuts,” answered the bartender.
“Say what?”
“You heard me,” said the barkeep. “It’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary.”

Thank the Dragon Mother that’s over with!  Wow.  I think I need a drink!  Oh no!  “So, a dragon walks into a bar ….”

01thug_thumb29_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu

1_thumb3_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

a152

a153

a154

01thug_thumb35_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

Dear shampoo companies,
You make tearless for babies, now how about for adults?

01thug_thumb34_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[1]

796

01thug_thumb38_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu

I keep getting in trouble with the IRS.  But they asked!

To the question: How many dependents do you have:

“12 million illegal immigrants;
“3 million crack heads;
“42 million unemployable people on food stamps,
“2 million people in over 243 prisons;
“Half of Mexico ; and
“535 fools in the U.S. House and Senate.”
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

01thug_thumb41_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

motivat_thumb1_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

Motivational Idunno

really-motivated-8

Motivational Is It Loaded

01thug_thumb44_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu

PROOF that proper syntax does indeed have a role to play in daily discourse.

A woman asks her husband to do some shopping.
“Please buy a case of Bud Light and, if they have eggs, get six.”

After a while the husband returns with six cases of Bud. His wife asks him,

“Why did you get six cases of Bud?”

He answers, “They had eggs.”

01thug_thumb47_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

797

01thug_thumb50_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[1]

It seems to me that this particular poem can be run over, and over, and over again…

45

01thug_thumb53_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu

798

01thug_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb[2]

TOP 10 WAYS TO HANDLE STRESS

1. Jam 39 tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

2. Use your MasterCard to pay your Visa.

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

4. When someone says, “Have a nice day,” say you have other plans.

5. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.

6. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.

7. Make a list of things to do that you’ve already done.

8. Dance naked in front of your pets.

9. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him off to preschool as if nothing were wrong.

10. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman Numerals.

01thug_thumb1_thumb_thumb_thumb_thum

799

01thug_thumb21_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

And a golf joke for Dad:

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, “Did you win, Dad?” I have explained to him time and time again that you’re really just playing against yourself.

We were on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.

From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, “Hey Dad! Did you have fun playing with yourself?”

We checked out that night.

01thug_thumb3_thumb_thumb_thumb_thum

800

01thug_thumb4_thumb_thumb_thumb_thum[1]

And let’s close with a heartfelt laugh!

The ‘Middle Wife’

by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.


When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they’re welcome.


Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.


She holds up a snapshot of an infant. ‘This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.’


‘First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom’s stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.’


She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.


‘Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, ‘Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!’ Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. ‘She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)


‘My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.’ (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)


‘And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshheew(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)


‘Then the middle wife starts saying ‘push, push,’ and ‘breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten.. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom’s play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.’


Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I’m sure I applauded the loudest..

Ever since then, when it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ comes along.

01thug_thumb5_thumb_thumb_thumb_thum[1]

1_thumb7_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

Today’s Last Word…is from one of our regular readers and contributors, Wheats.  He has some on-the-mark comments concerning the Occupy Movement that we talked about last Saturday. 

Take it away Wheats:

At the very bottom of this occupy BS is this: “If you can’t have things your way, bitch about it.”.

This behavior is probably as old as humanity itself but in the US since the 60′s, it has taken on a very unique form and format.

I speak specifically of the protests against Vietnam. And they were all about Vietnam, except the ones about segregation. But all the protests that were “ban the bomb”-oriented, etc were all kids whining about obligatory military service. Oddly, many or most of their parents volunteered to serve in WWII but their kids, for some reason, reaping the incredible rewards that freedom gave them felt no noble instinct to help a nation avoid communist rule. I suppose I can see the difference where young men in 1941 volunteered because of the attack on Pearl Harbor but they went off to lands they’d never heard of nor ever really gave much thought about in order to free people they didn’t know (or care about) in the name of liberty. The possibility that the war would end up on US shores was very unlikely, aside from the one incident in Hawaii which Japan would’ve been hard pressed to repeat.

But, the kids all bitched and whined and moaned about having to go to Vietnam. I suppose that’s a natural instinct, especially when they just wanted to go to grad school or get a job at some well-founded corporation but my uptake is that they were (and are) the core of “spoiled America”. I have watched them all my life and generally they have had the attitude of “all about ME”. And, after years of bitching and whining, they go their way.

Unlike their parents who were not only leaders but also givers and who understood loyalty, fidelity and morality and who bitch and whine far, FAR less than their offspring.

The occupado losers are attempting to expand on the false credibility of the 1960′s spoiled whiners by complaining about a problem largely of their own creation. Add to that their gullibility of getting a college degree in some “discipline” that has no practical real-world application. Then the hypocrisy of whining about “big business” when they wear designer clothing, text on their iPads, listen to their iPods, laptops and what-have-you. It’s a Cindy Sheehan kind of derangement syndrome and there are more people in the country who are like this all the time.

I work with a guy who says he’s a conservative but thinks that being able to keep his daughter on his healthcare plan is just peachy. I asked, “Why doesn’t she enlist in the military” and he responded, basically, with the indication that he “forbids” it. He, himself is a veteran. Yet he cannot see his hypocrisy. How long is he going to make decisions for his daughter? And why?

Lots of people are like this. Thinking they are conservatives without knowing the meaning of the word or…even worse, denying that they are socialists-at-heart. “Yes, I WANT the government to provide healthcare. Dammit, I work hard all day….why should I have to pay for it?” This is the argument I hear.

And this is the argument coming from the occupied mentality. “I live here in the richest nation in the world…where’s my cheese? You’d better give it to me or I’ll create such a stink that you’ll give it to me just to shut me up”.

Which, interestingly is the Dr Spock method of child-rearing. Appeasement…let the child have their way….let them “explore” their emotions. That boat didn’t float in my youth. The second I “explored” my emotions I found myself standing in the corner, or getting a swat on the ass. And this nation seems to be sorely lacking in discipline. By letting kids do whatever the hell they want…..we have the adults that swell the ranks of the occupied toilet “movement” (Seriously, how can anyone NOT see the potential jokes by combining the word “occupy” with the word “movement”?)

How to fix it? A return to parental discipline, removal of the government from letting parents decide HOW to discipline their kids and pretty much removal of the government from all things. I used to see kids (when I was one) get disciplined all the time in public places. I never see it now.

Nanny statism has ruined us. This is why there are no leaders. This is why republicans won’t speak out against tyranny in our midst or criticize Moochelle’s fat ass while she dictates that we all need to eat grass.

Fortunately, I live in an area where even many blacks say, “I wish they’d just shut up and go away”. The black middle class here does pretty well in SC, by and large and they know why. And it’s name is NOT Obama or democrat.

1_thumb9_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_thu[2]

Impish Dragon 5

1a_thumb2_thumb_thumb_thumb_thumb_th[1]

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Dragon Laffs #1256

  1. lethalleprechaun says:

    BRAVO Wheats!

    AUTHOR! AUTHOR!

    Not ONLY did you hit the Occupy Movement dead on but your comments rather neatty tied up my ranting about the loss of Parental Rights and the intrusion of Big Liberal Brother Government’s nose into our families!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s