Good Afternoon Campers!
Here’s a quick update to let you know that I made it!  I’m here in wonderful Texas!  Home to our dear friend, partner and cohort Lethal Leprechaun!
So of course, the obvious question is going to be, will Impish Dragon and Lethal Leprechaun finally meet in the real world?
Well, that’s a good question, and one that, sadly, can’t be answered just yet.  There are too many variables involved. 
First of all, I’m all the way up north in Ft. Worth and the Keebler Tree House where our dear green friend resides is about 4 to 4 ½ hours from here.  Technically, I’m on duty, whether it’s the weekend or not, so I’d have to get special permission to travel that far and her lovely greenness Mrs. Molly Leprechaun has to work this weekend, so the odds of us meeting half-way are slim.  But I suppose we’ll see…and you guys will be the first…well…the SECOND to know!

I already found something REALLY cool on base that I had to show you guys!

Now, one of the reasons I think this is cool is because when I was active duty Air Force, I was an Aircraft Armament Systems Specialist. That’s a fancy way of saying that, amongst many other duties, I loaded bombs on aircraft.  Here’s a close up of the plaque that’s in front:

Way cool, huh?

Anyway, wanted to let everyone know that I’m alive and well and arrived safe and sound.

More to come!

ROAD TRIP!!

The Air Force is sending me on yet another TDY (Temporary Duty) for another class.  This should be an excellent class, again, in a crappy location.  It’s amazing the way they always do that to me.  Send me somewhere south when it’s hot and north when it’s cold, when it should be the complete opposite way around.  Oh well, what can I say.

I did learn something this week…I’ve learned everything I know about car repair the same way I’ve learned everything I know about computers…by fixing broken stuff.  The other day, it was … how a bad TPS can stop your car from working properly.  What’s a TPS?  It’s well you might ask, because I had to.  After much trouble shooting it was determined that I had a bad Throttle Positioning Sensor. The elusive TPS.  So, instead of paying the Dealership to put the car on the computer, finding out the problem, and then paying the marked up price for the part and then an exorbitant fee for an hour’s labor, I took it to a local shop where the owner and I BOTH figured out what was wrong (granted, he figured it out and I passed the tools, but I LEARNED).  Then, realizing that I could R² (Remove and Replace) the bad part myself, I went to the local Auto-Zone and bought it.  And to show you  how easy it was, here it is, step-by-step in our blog:

Impish Dragon Describes How To Remove and Replace (R²) the Throttle Positioning Sensor on a 2006 Dodge Stratus
1.  What the hell does this TPS thingy-me-bob even look like?
Okay, so we now know what it looks like, how do we get it out?  Well, we go to step
#2. Remove the electrical plug
Push in on the lock on the bottom and carefully remove the gray plug.  Don’t yank on the wires, because then all you have is wires in one hand and a plug still attached to the silly Throttle Thingy.  Not bad for your removal step, but your replacement step is bound to be much more difficult.
#3. Carefully loosen and remove the two screws (they have those 7 or 9 pointed star torque fasteners.  Look like a Phillips head screw driver with a bad hang over).

Don’t drop them!  You will REALLY regret it!
#4. Once the bolts are gone, you can pull the old Sensor out

#5. Now, grab the new one…

#6. Install the new one, tighten the bolts

#7.  Gently push the electrical connector back on and….

Okay, so it wasn’t rocket science.  But now, I not only know WHAT a TPS is, but I also know WHERE it is, WHAT it does, HOW it works and how to REMOVE and REPLACE it!  Thanks to Jim for the great education.

So, now that Auto Shop is over, let’s get on with the regular show…you know, the whole reason you guys are here…

Impish Dragon at Home

Wooo Hooo!  I’ve got March Madness!
No, not the basketball thing.
March Madness.
It comes right after my February Fits and my April Agitation.
~with a nod to Maxine for the help

Wish my eye doctor used that technique…

What a great Vaudeville like act from the Jovers in 1980.  You will laugh and be amazed

and yes…you need to go to the blog at http://dragonlaffs.com to see the video.  It won’t show up in the email.  You should be reading it there each day anyway!  Come on campers!

I’ve a special treat for you today.  Although I don’t believe that the Asian representation of dragons are true dragons as much as they are big snakes, here’s a video from a guy who says that he found this little shop while traveling in Japan and videoed the whole process.  Way, way cool!

Stupidity is alive and well…

Okay, is it just me, or does he look a little like an Oriental Captain Picard?

Very, very nicely said…

Dear “Occupy” people who call me a spoiled rich kid,

I only go to a private school because I got a scholarship. I only have an iPod Touch because I babysat every Saturday night for a year. I only wear really nice clothes because they don’t fit my cousin anymore. I’m only going on a trip to Europe with my French class because I got straight A’s and helped at every school fundraiser possible to get financial support.

Sincerely, there’s more to people than you see, look closer

 

And the problem the Occupy people have with that, is that they all want EXACTLY the same thing, but without having to work for it like you did.

I said, “Look it up in the dictionary.”
The Student starts up the computer…
”What are you doing?” I ask
”Going to dictionary.com” the student replies…what do you mean, there’s a book for that?
Or even worse…
”What’s a book?”

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bastard’s name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Trying to debate with Obama voters is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.

 
Like hell I’m getting a bath!

 

 

This is great fun.  From Makeuseof.com and the guys from ok go
http://www.makeuseof.com/tech-fun/ok-gos-dating-website/ 

Okay, so some of these are really, really bad….which is GREAT fun!

 

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,informing me that I can have sex at 79.


THIS IS GREAT  NEWS!
I’m so happy,  because I live at number 71.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s the same side of the street. I don’t have to cross the  road!

This is simply amazing when you think about it… this little piece basically starts with a bit of a joke, but goes on to extrapolate a real issue…

Okay now I know that some of this just isn’t true, but it’s not far from the truth.  I have seen like two articles about people who went to school with Obama, one said that he was supposedly in the same class with Obama yet didn’t know, or recognize him, the second, the individual said that, other than him (Obama) being outwardly vocal against racism, in a racist way, he really wasn’t much impressed.

And speaking of racism; I read the other day that Mr. Obama doesn’t want to be considered a black president, that race has no place in this election.  He isn’t the first black president, he is a president who happens to be black.  Where’s my bull-shit flag?

This man has played the race card more often than OJ’s lawyers!  EVERYTHING is about race.  From voter discrimination at the poles to his buddy Gates getting arrested for disorderly conduct in his home. 

Anyway, this Last Word isn’t about Race, it’s about the Press not doing it’s job.  Between the press and the paparazzi anything can be found out about anyone…yet there is almost nothing about Obama’s past.  It’s amazing to me. 

The article then goes on to say that people still trust the press.  I don’t think that’s a true statement anymore either.  Do any of YOU still trust the press?  Not me!

and then…. Gracie/Jeannie sent me this great letter from Bristol Palin’s blog.  Have any of you seen this?  Has it gotten ANY airtime from ANY of the media outlets?  Of course not.  So, in our own little attempt to spread the word, here’s the letter, in its entirety and the link so you can read some of the bazzillion comments she’s gotten.

Here’s the link: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/bristolpalin/2012/03/mr-president-when-should-i-expect-your-call/ 

Here’s the post:

Mr. President, When Should I Expect Your Call?

Dear President Obama,

You don’t know my telephone number, but I hope your staff is busy trying to find it. Ever since you called Sandra Fluke after Rush Limbaugh called her a slut, I figured I might be next.  You explained to reporters you called her because you were thinking of your two daughters, Malia and Sasha.  After all, you didn’t want them to think it was okay for men to treat them that way:

“One of the things I want them to do as they get older is engage in issues they care about, even ones I may not agree with them on,” you said.  “I want them to be able to speak their mind in a civil and thoughtful way. And I don’t want them attacked or called horrible names because they’re being good citizens.”

And I totally agree your kids should be able to speak their minds and engage the culture.  I look forward to seeing what good things Malia and Sasha end up doing with their lives.

But here’s why I’m a little surprised my phone hasn’t rung.  Your $1,000,000 donor Bill Maher has said reprehensible things about my family.  He’s made fun of my brother because of his Down’s Syndrome. He’s said I was “f—-d so hard a baby fell out.”  (In a classy move, he did this while his producers put up the cover of my book, which tells about the forgiveness and redemption I’ve found in God after my past – very public — mistakes.)

If Maher talked about Malia and Sasha that way, you’d return his dirty money and the Secret Service would probably have to restrain you.  After all, I’ve always felt you understood my plight more than most because your mom was a teenager.  That’s why you stood up for me when you were campaigning against Sen. McCain and my mom — you said vicious attacks on me should be off limits.

Yet I wonder if the Presidency has changed you.  Now that you’re in office, it seems you’re only willing to defend certain women.  You’re only willing to take a moral stand when you know your liberal supporters will stand behind you.

But…

What if you did something radical and wildly unpopular with your base and took a stand against the denigration of all women… even if they’re just single moms? Even if they’re Republicans?

I’m not expecting your SuperPAC to return the money.  You’re going to need every dime to hang on to your presidency.  I’m not even really expecting a call.  But would it be too much to expect a little consistency?  After all, you’re President of all Americans, not just the liberals.

There’s a point when you “hope” that he gets it.  That it makes him feel just a teeny bit bad about himself.  But I doubt it.  Although, for some reason, I don’t doubt at all that him and Maher both have read it.

Be well my friends.  Look for updates from Texas.

OH BLOODY HELL! ME HEAD! Can’t you people murmur and slurp coffee QUIETLY?

And Impish quit your whining and moaning over those bruises or ‘tis a dozen more like ‘em you’ll be getting! ‘Tis the grandda of all hangovers keep house in me poor throbbing head!

Somehow St Patrick’s Day seems to have extended itself to most of two day this year abet somewhat tamer and more reserved for the second day. Other than my head I’m sporting a set of sore feet from being on them so much and a raw throat from too much o’ raising me voice in song & cheer.

While the leprechaun was away the Dragon thought to play apparently and his last word on St. Patrick’s Day 2012: Facts, Myths, and Traditions by John Roach for National Geographic News was so far off the mark as to raise me ire causing him to be on the receiving end of a wee bit o’ shillelagh law to beat the truth of the matter through his thick hide and skull. Those of you who do not read this on the blog of course missed out yet again on all the row and a ruction and may want to go read up on what transpired: https://dragonlaffs.com/2012/03/17/dragon-laffs-1266/#comments

 

 

Yes that’s an Irish Coffee. NO! It’s NOT “too bloody early for that sort of thing”. It is in fact medicinal, having consumed far more Guinness, Harp, Bass & Bushmill Whiskey in a single day than you mere mortals are capable of consuming in a life time my hangovers are also that much larger and longer lasting! Oy! IMPISH!!! I thought I TOLD YOU to stop BREATHING SO LOUD!

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase  “You Gotta Be Shittin Me?”

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington ‘s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman..

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place.

We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’

Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .’

And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin me.’

That’s why we should be chlorinating the gene pool! 

 

Did we elect these people??

 

Civil War planes? Let me know how that works out.

 

I’m saying GREAT paint job.

 

“We had no idea anyone was buried there.”

 

I didn’t know we could choose.

 

This one says it all.

 

What are the odds of that?

 

I would have guessed after age 19.

“The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.” ~Albert Einstein

“He who laughs last, thinks slowest” ~Dan Curry

 

All these are great hangover curatives for sopping up all that extra alcohol. They taste pretty damned good too.

 

Apricot Lemon Angel Food Cake

Prep Time: 15 minutes

Cook Time: 35 minutes

Makes: 12 servings

Ingredients

1 c. chopped Dried Apricots,

1 box Angel Food Cake Mix,

1 container (6 oz.) Light Lemon Yogurt,

Directions

1 Heat oven to 375°F. Set a 2 part, ungreased, tube cake pan aside.

2 Place chopped apricots in a microwave safe bowl, add 1/2 cup water, cover with plastic wrap and microwave on high power 2 minutes. Allow to set 10 minutes, drain and cool.

3 Prepare angel food cake mix according to package directions. Gently stir chopped and hydrated apricots into batter. Pour into tube pan.

4 Bake 35 minutes. Cool according to package directions. Remove from tube pan by running a knife between cake and sides of pan. Lift cake up out of outer pan and use knife to release it from central cylinder and bottom of tube pan insert. Invert cake on a cutting board and then turn right-side up on cake platter. Frost top of apricot cake with lemon yogurt and serve.

Nutritional Information

Calories: 110, Total Fat: 0g, Sodium: 280mg, Carbohydrates: 31g, Fiber: 3g, Sugar: 7g, Protein: 3g

Here’s a trick I learned for you…hold back about an 1/8 cup of the cake mix. Use it to dust & coat the apricot pieces once they are cool and return the rest to the batter. By coating the pieces with the dry cake mix you give the batter something to hang on to and you’ll get a more even distribution of the fruit pieces though out the batter. This is especially important with thinner/lighter batters.

Cheesy Bacon Crescents

This play is a simple out — a quick throw to the sidelines when time’s short.

Ingredients:
– 1 can (8 oz) Pillsbury® refrigerated crescent dinner rolls or 1 can (8 oz) Pillsbury® Crescent Recipe Creations® refrigerated seamless dough sheet
– 8 slices cooked bacon, cut in half1/2 cup shredded Colby-Monterey Jack cheese blend (2 oz)
– 2 tablespoons mayonnaise or salad dressing
– 1/4 cup chopped tomato
Directions: Separate or cut dough into 4 long rectangles (if using crescent rolls, press perforations to seal). Place bacon on center of each rectangle. In bowl, mix cheese and mayonnaise. Spoon cheese mixture over bacon; sprinkle with tomato. Fold short sides of dough to center of each rectangle; press edges to seal. Place seam side down on ungreased cookie sheet; press short sides with fork to seal. Cut 2 slits on top. Bake at 375°F 12 to 15 minutes.

Mini Beef and Provolone Crescents

Beef and cheese are a can’t-miss play at any time in the game — a surefire way to put up some points!
Ingredients:
– 1 can (8 oz) Pillsbury® refrigerated crescent dinner rolls
– 1 tablespoon Italian salad dressing
– 2 slices (1/2 to 1 oz each) provolone cheese, each cut into 8 strips
– 2 tablespoons chopped roasted red bell peppers (from a jar)
– 3 oz thinly sliced cooked roast beef (from deli), cut into 16 pieces
Directions: Heat oven to 350°F. Spray cookie sheet with cooking spray. Unroll dough and separate into 8 triangles; press out each triangle so shortest side measures 4 inches. Cut each triangle in half lengthwise from tip end to short side to make 16 triangles. Brush each triangle with salad dressing. Top each with 1 cheese strip, scant 1/2 teaspoon roasted peppers and 2 pieces of beef, folding to fit on triangle. Roll up each, starting at shortest side of triangle and rolling to opposite point; place point side down on cookie sheet. Bake 13 to 18 minutes or until golden brown. Immediately remove from cookie sheet. Serve warm.

Pizza Joe Crescent Sandwiches

If you’re down by a few points with very little time on the clock, throw this deep ball to get into scoring position.
Ingredients:
– ½ lb ground beef, cooked, drained
– ½ cup chopped pepperoni
– 1/3 cup pizza sauce
– 2 cans (8 oz each) Pillsbury® refrigerated crescent dinner rolls or 2 cans (8 oz each) Pillsbury® Crescent Recipe Creations®
refrigerated seamless dough sheet
– 1 cup shredded mozzarella cheese (4 oz)
Directions: In 10″ skillet, mix beef, pepperoni and pizza sauce. Heat to boiling over medium-high heat, stirring occasionally. Separate or cut each can of dough into 4 rectangles (if using crescent rolls, press perforations to seal). Spoon meat mixture in center of each rectangle; sprinkle with 1 tablespoon of the cheese. Fold dough over filling; press edges with fork to seal. Sprinkle with remaining cheese. Place on ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 375°F 18 to 20 minutes.

 

Paradoxical Quote of The Day From Ben Stein:

“Fathom the Hypocrisy of a Government that requires every citizen to prove they are insured… but not everyone must prove they are a citizen.”

Seems to be the day for “twofers” so here is another thought provoking quote for you:

This is from a pamphlet by a Presbyterian minister, William J. H. Boetcker (1873-1962) and entitled The Ten Cannots. It was originally published in 1916 but its message is very fitting to us today

Here are the “Ten Cannots”:

1. You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
2. You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
3. You cannot help little men by tearing down big men.
4. You cannot lift the wage earner by pulling down the wage payer.
5. You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
6. You cannot establish sound security on borrowed money.
7. You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
8. You cannot keep out of trouble by spending more than you earn.
9. You cannot build character and courage by destroying men’s initiative and independence.
10. And you cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they can and should do for themselves.

 

 

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven’t sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet…Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer– it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog… ‘Killer, come here! I said get your arse over here, Killer!’ Now think about how you call a cat…’Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!’ Jeeezus, you’re pitched, you’re so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man’s world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you’re as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a ‘Decaf Soy Latte’. If you’ve put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you’ve had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free arse passes. A real man doesn’t have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a ‘fressier’ is you’re gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you’re dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-arsed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being an arse puncher.

 

In political news this week:

When Joe Biden heard that the leader of The Monkeys died, he ran down the halls of the White house shouting,

“I’m president now!”

Seeing how we’re being “Politically Incorrect” for the sake of a quick laugh at the risk of the ire of the PC Police and to piss off our resident liberal loon let’s do a “twofer” shall we?

ABSOLUTELY the Best dog joke …

Nancy Pelosi called Harry Reid into her office one day and said,  “Harry, I have a plan to win back Middle America in 2012!”

“Great Nancy , but how?” asked Harry.

“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most middle class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador Retriever . Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana . With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.

The bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi?”

“Yes we are!” said Nancy , “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Harry suggested we stop and take in some local color.”

They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador , lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”

“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes!”

And in honor of Obama’s position as Towel-headed Arab Ass Kisser & Bower in Chief….

An Arab enters a taxi……….

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and, in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music which is music of the infidel’s and certainly no radio ……..

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The cabby answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis. So get the hell out and wait for a camel.”

So I don’t count so good when I’m in the hand basket. I may be going to hell for this, but you are coming along too! (for laughing…..)

 

What? I acknowledged it was my turn and my turn is over. Now Impish gets stuffed back in screaming and kicking like a girl to be once again where he belongs!  Cast aspersions on St Patrick’s Day will he? Wear bloody fecking ORANGE on SAINT PATRICK’S DAY? Over my soddin dead body which will be laying a top of his hip deep in a pile of expended brass!

One of the questions from the career placement test given applicants for a Air Force commission.

“Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect!”

Those who spell spine become flight surgeons …the rest who answer with another body part go to flight school. Those who cannot successfully rearrange the letters into any word become CBRNE Instructors.

Two people having Sex it is called a twosome…
Three people having Sex it is called a threesome…
Four people having Sex is called a foursome…
…Now I know why they call Impish handsome…

Wadda ya know? Macramé Dragon! I might have to try that around here! I’ll just tell him its “Dragon Yoga”

Giddy Up! Adidas unveils cowboy boot sneaker.

For the boot-wearing populations who still yearn to sprint from time to time, Adidas has unveiled its newest shoe creation: a cowboy boot sneaker hybrid.

Adidas said the Jeremy Scott designed boots are on sale now for $300 and are made from soft leather with a debossed Trefoil on the heel and tongue, and MEGA Soft Cell cushioning.

The company said the boot offers maximum traction and will “get you rodeo-ready with their hybrid cowboy-boot-meets-basketball-trainer style.”

There’s no word on whether a matching outfit will be released… or if rubber glow in the dark spurs are an optional accessory.

NOTE: Not PC

Every state has one, a political figure that is just too stupid to have ever been elected, not only has been but then continually manages to get re-elected and make us hang our heads in shame and embarrassment. In Texas where everything is bigger and we do everything in a big way, this translate to us having not one but 2of these personalities, Governor Rick “Good Hair” Perry ( a recent addition to the Roll of Shaming Texas after his disastrous bid for the Presidential nomination) & Representative Sheila Jackson Lee who basically puts her pump in her mouth every time she says something ands she is CONSTANTLY saying something.

Just when you think you have heard all of the stupid things that are going on in the US — this comes along…

Black hurricanes

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston ), reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian-sounding names.

She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaquille, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!

She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in ‘language’ that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn’t understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.

I guess if the weather person says that the winds are going to blow at 140+ MPH, that’s too hard to understand?

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says…

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin’ fo’ yo ass like Leroy on a rocket!

Bitch be a category fo’! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo’ chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo’ de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE shit!

We hope this makes Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee happy !

Ah what the hell, I’ve already pissed off our resident Liberal Loon and the PC Police today I might as well make it a hat trick and offend the overly religious  &/or the born again factions with a few jokes too. I can always plead diminished capacity due to nasty epic uber hangover from hell.

During these serious and troubled times, people of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s Chosen People.

2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Baptists do not recognize each other at the liquor Store.

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”

—————–

SAY A PRAYER

Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” said his mother.

“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.

“Of course, you do “his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That’s at our house.” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.

OK now that they’re offended lets give the older ones a case of “the vapors” as they say. Start fanning those prayer books all you ladies for the Woman’s Prayer (and mostly gossip) Circle!

How to correctly hold on in a moving train

No, No, the older guy by the door!

I worry about you people sometimes, I think Impish is having a debilitating effect on your morals! 

Seeing as I’m still occasionally seeing double, you’ll be getting two tips from me today as well!

 

Malicious Web Apps: How to Spot Them, How to Beat Them

These days, a Web app can be malware. Here’s what you need to know about this emerging threat, and what to watch for.

Web apps are great. They’re available for use virtually anywhere, anytime, from practically any device that has a Web browser. Web apps are also easy to update and maintain: The developer tweaks the app on the Web server, and everyone who uses it has access to the latest version.

But Web apps can contain more than you bargained for, and in some instances they may actually be malicious. You need to be aware of the risks that Web apps can pose, and know how to protect yourself.

https://www.pcworld.com/article/251995/malicious_web_apps_how_to_spot_them_how_to_beat_them.html#tk.nl_wbx_h_crawl2

Fireman Bob rushed into a burning building and rescued a beautiful young lady who was clad only in the top half of her baby-doll nightgown. He carried her in his arms down three flights of stairs and saved her from her sure demise.

As they arrived safely, a wash of gratitude rushed over her. She looked at him with great fondness and admiration, and then said, “Oh, you are wonderful! It must have taken great strength and courage to rescue me the way you did.”

“Yes it did,” the fireman admitted. “I had to fight off three other firemen who were trying to get to you first!”

 

 

And you wondered why they are literally hundreds of castle sites all over Ireland?!

I had a girlfriend like that once, but I was afraid for the shark!

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Jeffrey Alan!” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, that doesn’t matter,” she explained. “You don’t know what it means.”
“I do, too,” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”

 

Excuse me a second whilst I take me headache medicine!

Me relatives have nae yet taken a shot this issue so while I’m on a hung over induced and fueled tear I might as well take a wee poke at them too!

This reliable Beretta Jetfire .22 Short pistol is a personal favorite of mine and I am never without it. It saved my life a few years ago when attacked by a Grizzly while hiking in the mountains with a family member. I was able to escape, walking at a brisk pace, after I shot my brother in the knee.

 

 

 

Apparently the USA is not the only country infected with the Nanny State and the Liberal’s attempt to usurp our Parental and private rights by invading your personal lives and homes via our kids through their educational institutions in the name of “protecting them”.

ZERO TOLERANCE SQUARED: When a 4-year-old girl named Neaveh drew a picture of a man with a gun at her Kitchener, Ont., Canada, school she wasn’t arrested — her father was. “That’s my daddy’s,” the tyke had told school officials. “He uses it to shoot bad guys and monsters.” The arrest was defended by the school, the police, and child welfare officials. “From a public safety point of view,” said Family and Children’s Services chief Alison Scott, “any child drawing a picture of guns and saying there’s guns in a home would warrant some further  conversation with the parents and child.” But it’s not clear that there was any conversation with Jessie Sansone, 26, before he was confronted by three police officers at the school, hauled away in handcuffs,
strip-searched, and charged with “possession of a firearm.” Sansone’s other children were interviewed by Scott’s department, and a search of their home found no firearms — although one toy gun was found, which apparently was the model for the drawing. Police dropped charges and Sansone was released, but Scott said Family and Children’s Services was “still investigating.” (AC/Kitchener Record) …The next day, Neaveh drew an empty skull ( likely it resembled a jackass’s) and explained: “That’s Alison Scott’s. She uses it to bully good guys and daddies.”

Seriously, what lesson and message do you think Neaveh came away from this with? My guess? To fear and be suspicious of those who are SUPPOSED to be in the position of protecting you and to NEVER speak about your family outside of it because if you do you are liable to have your family ripped away from you.

THIS WILL REALLY PISS YOU OFF: A teacher at a school in the Klein (Texas) Independent School District refused a request by a 12-year-old boy to use the restroom. The seventh grader repeated the request several times, but the teacher still refused, and finally told him she would “write him up” as “truant” if he left the room. “The really outrageous part is that she told him, ‘I hope you pee on yourself’,” says Bill Hawkins. The boy didn’t: instead, he was so desperate that he used a water bottle to relieve himself right there in the classroom. If you think the teacher was fired, you don’t understand zero tolerance:
Hawkins is the boy’s new attorney, who his parents hired to appeal the boy’s punishment: an in-school suspension, followed by one month of a “Disciplinary Alternative Education Program” because, school officials say, the boy’s behavior rose to the level of “Engaging in serious or persistent acts of disobedience or disorderly behavior which may prove detrimental to the school, harmful to health and safety and inhibiting the rights of others.” (RC/Houston Chronicle) …And if there’s anyone who knows about inhibiting the rights of others, it’s those liberal school officials!

No, I’m not kidding with this, it actually happened fairly close to me. Here is a link to the story in the Houston Chronicle. http://www.chron.com/news/houston-texas/article/Student-disciplined-for-unauthorized-potty-break-2683496.php

District officials on Tuesday declined to discuss the case but released a written statement. “Klein ISD must follow proper protocol when dealing with disciplinary matters for all students and the information must be kept confidential. The same is true for matters involving employees,” the statement said.

I’ll tell you what if I had kids in that school I’d DAMNED WELL want to know who this teacher is to insure my kids never went near her! I cannot begin to fathom HOW the teacher after humiliating the kid by telling him she hoped he pissed himself and doing everything in her power to basically insure it can get of not only scot free but without any public exposure!

WELL-TRAINED PROFESSIONALS III: Rahul Chandani, 6, fell on the playground  at Devonshire Elementary School in Skokie, Ill. It was icy and snow-covered, and he slipped. “His teacher told him, ‘You’re a big boy – I can’t carry you’,” says his mother, so the boy crawled back to class.
His mother pointed out that school officials should have known he was injured: he had a lump on his head “the size of a tennis ball” and complained of being dizzy. “As soon as I saw him I knew something was wrong.” Yet they didn’t have him medically evaluated, or call an ambulance. He had a broken leg and a concussion, and ended up being out of school for six weeks, and in rehab for six months. The family is suing the school district, charging negligence. (RC/Chicago Sun Times)…They made him crawl, so maybe it’s time to make them crawl.

Personally I’m on board with that solution, whack her with a bat, give her a concussion, break her leg. then make her crawl inside and apologies at length to the child and explain to the class how egregiously wrong her behavior was. ONLY THEN give her her pink slip and allow her to call for her own medical treatment. If there is any justice in the world it will be Obamacare and she’ll have to wait hours until they decide if she is worth the cost of her medical care.

In case you cannot read that it says “ I don’t seem to remember the parts about Life, less Freedom and the pursuit of other people’s assets. Remind me again where it talks about the establishment of a permanent Nanny State too?”

SIDE BUSINESS: The Noble Network charter school in Chicago, Ill., is charging students $5 to attend detention for “minor disciplinary infractions” such as not tying shoelaces when told, or possessing soft drinks. “It’s nickel-and-diming kids for literally nothing that really matters,” complains the executive director of Parents United for Responsible Education, Julie Woestehoff. Critics say the fines, which brought in $200,000 last year, are a ploy to drive out “troubled” students to push up graduation rates. “If you have rules, you have to enforce them,” responds the school district’s CEO, Michael Milkie. “We have set that fee to offset the cost to administer detention.” After 12 $5 detentions, students are required to attend a “discipline class” –which costs $140. At least some parents support the measure. Kimberly Davis said she paid $300 for fees and behavior classes for her
daughter, but adds she will soon graduate. “You have to buy into the program,” Davis said. (RC/Chicago Tribune) …Right: that’s what the others are complaining about.

Guess they better start listing “debt cards” among the school supplies! Wonder if they have infraction sales or multiple infraction discounts?

At Sacred Heart Catholic Academy in Shawano, Wisconsin, about six miles from the Menominee Indian reservation, 7th grade student Miranda Washinawatok taught another student how to say “hello” and “I love you” in her native language of Menominee. The innocuous gesture resulted in her suspension from one school basketball game.

As Amy Spicer explained on Imagine 2050:

Initially “reprimanded” by the teacher who overheard the two students, Washinawatok was further chastised by another teacher who told her she didn’t appreciate that Miranda had upset the first teacher because “she is like a daughter to me.” 

The racial intolerance displayed by both “educators” is sad. 

Hiding behind a defense that Miranda was suspended for an “attitude problem,” the school has since taken little action in dealing with this clear case of discrimination.

Miranda’s mother, Karen Washinawataok, director of the Language and Culture Commission of the Menominee tribe, told Imagine 2050 that the school promised her daughter and the Menominee tribe public apologies, but added that only “a letter was sent to parents and guardians. A real generic letter of apology, that really did not go into specifics as to why there was this apology.”

Yup makes sense to me. Trample on NATIVE AMERICAN heritage and an attempt to raise awareness and educate by a NATIVE AMERICAN student, but let that same student have been a sod all illegal alien who’s parents were not paying taxes and who’s ungrateful call disruptive kids were getting a free ride though our education system on our dime or better yet had she been wearing a Burka and been Muslim instructing the other student in Sharia law everything would have been just ducky and she would have received special treatment and probably a bloody commendation for school spirit besides! I wonder if the school offered them beads, blankets and trinkets with their insincere cookie cutter admit nothing apology too?

What is REALLY needed is for Parents, Parent-Teacher’s Associations and concerned taxpayers to adopt a Zero Tolerance for Zealously Excessive Educators! Voice you displeasure, the the school systems know you will not tolerate your children being taught by these people, go to PTA and School Board meetings speak up raise hell! PROTECT YOUR RIGHTS AS PARENTS! IF enough people complain and cause a calamity they cannot stonewall us! What’s that? Tenure?! I got your “tenure” right here! Child endangerment, neglect and abuse trump parental rights how is it they do not trump tenure? UNLESS the Child Protection Services are actually in league with the school systems in a concerted effort to usurp your rights and control over your children HOW IS IT that teacher like the one at Devonshire Elementary School in Skokie, Ill. DO NOT EVER come up for investigation for endangering a child’s life? If that were his parent, they would be all over  them like stink on a liberals ideas! Why are teachers automatically immune from this sort of investigation and charges? Adults & Parents who are accused of abuse and harm to children get their names splashed all over the paper guilty or not? How much you want to bet that Jessie Sansone, Neaveh’s father had his picture and arrest ON FALSE GROUNDS prominently reported in the paper? How much more are you willing to wager that clearing his name in as loud and publicly prominent a manner was NOT high on the list of the same paper(s) or ANYWHERE on the agenda of Family and Children’s Services chief Alison Scott? Can I get any takers betting that Alison never saw charges preferred against her for filing a false report? NO? Didn’t think so!

My point is this only goes on because we elect people like Obama, Clinton Pelosi, Reed and other liberals to places of power over our children and allow then to go about their business unsupervised, w/o proper oversight and sans the mechanisms & procedures in place to force them to be held accountable for their actions!. Hell even in WAR if I made a costly mistake or issued a questionable order, I would have been held accountable for my acts and punished appropriately up to and including loss of my pay, my rank, my commission and possibly imprisonment!  If soldiers have to be accountable for their actions in the heat of battle WHY are not teachers and Family and Children’s Services people held professionally accountable for their actions? A classroom is certainly NOT the battlefield but our children sure seem as though they are treated like the enemy!

 

Good morning campers!  And a wonderful St. Patrick’s Day to you.  I’m on my way to work, but I wanted you all to know that I hope for the very best day for all of you, please be careful and responsible in your celebrations today.  I expect to see you all back here next week. 

And now, in special celebration of St. Patrick’s Day, …

I’ve always wondered how this trend started.  It’s funny, because I thought it was started with pirates and sailors and them having enough gold on them for a Christian burial.  Now I know different…

SKY WRITER HONORING CLINT EASTWOOD LAST MAY.

JANE FONDA REPORTEDLY LOOKED UP AND REMARKED,

“BUT IT’S NOT MY BIRTHDAY!”

 

You know…..that’s a really good point…

All you pilot types out there ought to know the answer to this one…

Actually, this should be an easy quiz for anyone with even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft and aerodynamics.  But, the answer may surprise you.

What is the primary advantage of rotary-winged aircraft over fixed-wing aircraft?

Take your time and think about it before you scroll down to the answer below…

VS.

Yeah… I got it wrong, too!

 

Mythology Land – (Breaking News!) The Federal Government announced today that Ikea will be taking over General Motors.  Ikea, an international home furnishings company known for selling it’s products packaged and ready to assemble at home, has agreed to take over the government’s ownership portion of GM (jokingly called, “Government Motors”) with a ground-breaking, assemble your own car at home, idea.

Gives a whole new meaning to “Some Assembly Required.”  And just as I figured, “Batteries Not Included!”

 “How come He doesn’t answer it?” she asked.

The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”

This could happen to you!

Caught on a security camera in a parking lot: WATCH THIS – ONLY 52 SECONDS Make sure your wife, husband, TEENAGERS, and all your friends see this! No sound, just watch. You will be flabbergasted. Okay, I think both men AND women should be aware of this. It COULD have happened to anyone of us. If you notice he got away with her car, purse, and keys without touching her . . . Worst of all, she couldn’t even give a description of the person to the police (thankfully there wasn’t a child in the car.) I hate to admit it, but I could see myself doing exactly what she did. I’m glad I saw this video. Please watch and pass it on

Yeah, knowing our Leprechaun…I’m sure he did!

Jeannie wants to know…Is it true?

Lethal, my friend….I’m leaving that one up to you.

and another thing…I’m gonna have to leave this one up to the Leprechaun to defend or deny as well…

This has got to be the coolest interactive on the internet!!! From the smallest object in the universe to the largest.  Hours of fun right here!
http://htwins.net/scale2/

And he sends me these pictures and wonders why we get hate mail…

This is GREAT!  Happy St. Patrick’s Day from Guinness

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful queen with lovely large

breasts.

        Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to

touch them, but he had to try.

        One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,

Horatio the physician, the king’s chief doctor. Horatio thought about

this and said that he could arrange for Nick to satisfy his desire, but

it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

 

        Without any hesitation, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

 

        The next day, Horatio made up a batch of itching powder and

poured some into the queen’s bra while she bathed. Soon after she

dressed, itching commenced and it grew intense. Upon being summoned to

the royal chambers to address this problem, Horatio informed the king

and queen that only a special saliva, if applied for two hours, would

cure this type of itch, and tests had shown that, among all the citizens

of the kingdom, only Nick’s saliva would work as an antidote to the

itch.

 

        The king, eager to help his queen, quickly summoned Nick to

their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching

powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next two hours, Nick

worked passionately on the queen’s large and magnificent breasts.

        The Queen’s itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left

satisfied. He was hailed by both the king and the queen as a hero.

 

        Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding

payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick

couldn’t have cared less, knowing that Horatio could never report this

matter to the king and, with a laugh, told him to get lost.

 

        The next day, Horatio slipped a large dose of the itching powder

into the king’s underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .

        ——————————–

        The moral of the story is — pay your bills!

Our dear Lethal Leprechaun on Sunday…

There is a little known story of an Irish daughter…now this daughter may or may not have been a relation to our own Lethal Leprechaun.  Tis hard to say and even harder to get our curmudgeonly wee green one to answer a question straight.  So, for the sake of our story, let’s just call her an Irish Daughter…
and wouldn’t you know it, but the lass has been gone from home for nigh upon 5 years.  Upon her return her father (or possibly her grand-father or a favorite uncle, but we’re not speculating that it could be our Lethal Leprechaun) cursed her heavily. (And none of us can see our dear LL doing that, now can we?)
”Where have ye been all this time, child?  Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?  Not an e-mail, a phone call or even a text message?  Have ye no idea what ye put your old mother (or grandmother, aunt…etc.) through?  The pain she’s endured…”
The girl replied, crying, “Oh Dad…, I became a prostitute.”
”Ye what!?” exclaimed our hero.  “Get out of here ye shameless harlot!  You sinner!  You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family, ye are!”
“Okay Dad…as ye wish.  I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title  deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million Euro savings certificate.
For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition Convertible that’s parked outside, plus a membership to the Country Club …” The young girl takes a breath, “and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.”
After a long silence, “What was it you said ye had become?” says Dad.
The girl starts crying again, “a…prostitute, Daddy.”
”Oh my goodness!  Ye scared me half to death, girl!  I thought you said a Protestant!  Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”
So, as you can see…there’s no way of knowing one way or the other, if it be our dear Leprechaun!  Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

Actual sign on the girder at the Guinness Factory

The last time I was over in the old country, I stole this sign as a present for my dear friend, Lethal Leprechaun…do you think he’ll like it?

 

I know it’s tantamount to sacrilege to mention the British on St. Patrick’s Day, but here are some more of  those

For today’s Last Word, I think it very appropriate to show you this wonderful article from National Geographic called:

St. Patrick’s Day 2012: Facts, Myths, and Traditions

John Roach

for National Geographic News

Updated March 16, 2012

There is just way too much here for me to dwell on any one specific thing, but there are a couple of things I want you all to take out of this…especially our dear Leprechaun…St. Patrick wasn’t Irish, he was British; He didn’t drive the snakes out of Ireland, that was the Ice Age; The holiday, as we know it today isn’t Irish, it’s American; and Orange is more likely the color we should use, not green!  Faith and begorah, I need another pint of Guinness!  I hope you all have a truly marvelous St. Patrick’s Day and a great weekend.  Now, I’m off to work, keeping the world safe for Dragons. 

 Cede Mile Failte Mo Chairde! (for those of you not blessed to speak or understand the native tongue of the Auld Sod that’s ‘1000 Welcomes My Friends!’, a time honored Irish greeting)

The Day finally draws neigh!  IT falls on a Saturday this year ta boot, can it get any better than that?Wahoo! I can’t hardly wait! Since St Patrick’s Day falls on a Saturday this year and that Impish’s posting Day I thought I’d do just a wee bit of an issue in my regular post as opposed to the full blown extravaganza I did last year. (https://dragonlaffs.com/2011/03/17/leprechaun-laffs-st-patricks-day-spectacular-extravaganza/)

The reasons for this are two-fold; first it would be bloody well neigh to impossible to match or top last year’s issue to the point I was wise enough not even to try it. Nothing kills a thing faster than a bad sequel. Second in truth I just did not have the time or feel up to putting all that effort into a special issue this year. I’m blessed with an abundance of work at the moment and have to take the opportunity to make hay while the sun shines so to speak . Secondly I have not been feeling my best for the past 2 weeks having been thoughtful given by one of Molly’s rather large and extended family a case of the “Spring Crud” at a recent family gathering. This flavor of the “Crud” was apparently not the same one that Molly had brought home about a month ago and I had successfully avoided so now we both have it. When you spend all your waking time coughing and blowing or trying to catch your breath whilst keeping your pounding (from the coughing) head from exploding it leaves precious little time for much else but sleep.

Have no fear, thanks to my recipe for “Jewish Penicillin w/ an Asian Twist” (homemade Chicken soup w/ garlic and ginger) we well on our way to getting rid of the “Spring Crud” and feeling up to making mischief once again.  I already am much improved and hope to be back in fine fettle in time to give my full measure to festivities on Saturday

 

 

 

Irish Racing Story

Racing is a national pastime, I soon got accustomed to the Reverend fathers, rushing past me to get a bet on at the race track.  My mate Trev spotted one Reverend father making a big fuss of a horse in the parade ring.  Amazingly the horse went on to win the next race easily.

We took great interest when we saw the same Reverend father bless another horse in the next race, blow me, this horse won too.  Well we were hot on the Reverend father’s coat tails for the third race and as soon as he patted a horse called Foxy Loxy, we raced off to get the best odds we could with the bookies.

Foxy Loxy was well up with the pace on the first circuit, but down the back straight for the second time, Foxy Loxy dropped to the rear.  Then to our chagrin it dropped dead by the water jump.

When we went back to the bar we fell into conversation with a local, and told him the tale of the Reverend father. ‘Be gora’ he said, ‘you have to learn the difference between when Reverend Murphy is blessing a horse and when he is giving it the last rites’ .

‘Twas those very words I spoke to Impish just this morning about Saturday!!

 

St Patrick’s Day Saint Patrick’s Day, commemorating the life of the great apostle of Ireland, has become a day of celebration for both Catholics and non-Catholics. From Wikipedia: “Saint Patrick’s Day (Irish: Lá Fhéile Pádraig) is a religious holiday celebrated internationally on 17 March. It is named after Saint Patrick (c. AD 387–461), the most commonly recognized of the patron saints of Ireland. It originated as a Catholic holiday and became an official feast day in the early 17th century. It has gradually become more of a secular celebration of Ireland’s culture.

Saint Patrick’s Day has come to be associated with everything Irish. To those who celebrate its intended meaning, St. Patrick’s Day is a traditional day for spiritual renewal and offering prayers for missionaries worldwide. Most Irish citizens attend mass followed by an evening of traditional Irish food and drink.

It is a public holiday in the Republic of Ireland, Northern Ireland, Newfoundland and Labrador and in Montserrat. It is also widely celebrated by the Irish diaspora, especially in places such as Great Britain, Canada, the United States, Argentina, Australia, New Zealand, and Montserrat, among others.”

 

St Patrick’s Day facts: separating myth from reality

This St Patrick’s Day, Telegraph.co.uk looks at some of the facts and myths surrounding Ireland’s national celebration.

St. Patrick is the patron saint of Ireland, although he was born in Britain, around 385AD. His parents Calpurnius and Conchessa were Roman citizens living in either Scotland or Wales, according to different versions of his story.

St. Patrick’s Day was first celebrated in America in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1737. Around 34 million modern Americans claim Irish ancestry.

According to St. Patrick’s Day lore, Patrick used the three leaves of a shamrock to explain the Christian holy trinity: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Popular Irish toasts on St Patrick’s Day, include: may the roof above us never fall in, and may we friends beneath it never fall out.

Trifolium dubnium, the wild-growing, three-leaf clover that some botanists consider the official shamrock, is an annual plant that germinates in the spring.

On any given day 5.5 million pints of Guinness, the famous Irish stout brand, are consumed around the world. But on St. Patrick’s Day, that number more than doubles to 13 million pints, said Beth Davies Ryan, global corporate-relations director of Guinness.

Blue not green is the color originally associated with St Patrick. “St Patrick’s Blue” is used on Ireland’s Presidential Standard or flag, while the Irish Guards sport a plume of St Patrick’s blue in their bearskins. The emphasis on green is thought to be linked to “wearing the Green”, a symbol from the 18th century on, of sympathy with Irish independence.

Until the 1970s, all pubs were shut in Ireland on St Patrick’s Day, the sole venue selling drink being the annual dog show. Lenten fasting – and the obligation to abstain from meat – were lifted on the day, which most families would begin with Mass.

According to legend, on the day of Judgment, while Christ judges all other nations, St Patrick will be the judge of the Irish.

Since 1962, tons of green dye are tipped for St Patrick’s Day into the Chicago river, although the quantity has reduced, for environmental reasons, from 100 to 40.

 

 

    You all know how there are no snakes native to Ireland and that is allegedly because St Patrick drove them out of Ireland (though admittedly not the manner suggested by the cartoon, after all he was just a poor Catholic saint and couldn’t afford a car much less the gas!) ) But what you DIDN’T know was what we called ‘snakes’ in Ireland in fact looked like this: In actuality it was us leprechauns who put up a sizable fund to build St Patrick a church if he’d get rid of the bloody dragons who were constantly trying to steal our gold so we could get on about our business in peace! We just called then bloody big snakes so he wouldn’t chicken out on the deal. We figured either we’d get rid of the Dragons or the Dragons would get rid of St. Patrick but either way we’d have one less hand in our pockets. We just never bloody figured on the Democrats or their bloke Barak Obama. Now every year for the last 3 St Patrick’s Days my brethren and I that have emigrated to America go to mass and pray that St Patrick might drive these snakes out of America! We even build him a bloody big cathedral but I think he might still be a wee tiffed at us o’er the last time we asked him for a favor.

Wait! WHAT?! St. Patrick is going to judge the Irish come Judgment Day? Aww BLOODY HELL! We leprechauns are sod all bollixed for sure!

 

Actually green beer is just beer that has been passed through a leprechaun’s kidneys before bottling- that’s right, leprechaun pee!

 

Nasty case of Arthritis

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie is stained, his face is smeared with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of whiskey is sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opens a newspaper and begins reading.

After a few minutes the guy turns to the priest and asks, ‘Say, Father, what causes arthritis?’ Loose living; cheap, wicked woman; too much alcohol; and contempt for your fellow man, ‘answers the priest.’ I’ll be damned, ‘the drunk mutters, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he said, nudges the man and apologizes.’ I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to be so harsh. How long have you had arthritis?’

‘Oh, I don’t have it, Father. But it says here that the Pope does.’

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. “I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total”, says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, “I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity.” So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity.”
Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, “I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.” The Genie explains, “well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out.”

The Irishman says, “Fill it up with water.”

Apparently I missed the Memo that says St. Patrick’s Day is ‘my turn in the barrel’ if I’m to judge by some of the humor I’m getting in my e-mail.  Ok I’m cool with that. Impish takes my shots with stoic  good natured silence most of the other weeks of the year I can at least take mine for 2 posts!

All Natural! Made with Leprechaun spit!

Don’t worry! I’m sure Impish is busily collecting as many shots at me as he can for Saturday when he knows I’ll be too busy and too happy to care for you to laugh at.

 

Top 10: Drinking Songs of All Time

There’s about as many types of drinking songs as there are reasons to have a drink. Some celebrate a job well done and a drink deserved, while others revel in drunk disorderliness or bemoan a hangover. It’s all about intoxication, either in the sense of getting a rush or of getting poisoned.
There are tons of drinking songs, there are tons of terrible drinking euphemisms, like “imbibe,” “quaff” and “tipple.” Ugh!
Apparently in finding these very best drinking songs, whomever didn’t discriminate by alcohol content or drinking context. The only thing that mattered was that they told the truth. When folks get drunk, sh*t can either get real fun, real sad or just real messy.

No.10 Kris Kristofferson, “Sunday Morning Comin’ Down”

Though Johnny Cash made this tragic song famous (even winning it the CMA Song of the Year award in 1970) and Willie Nelson also recently recorded it, the best version is by Kris Kristofferson, the man who wrote this great ode to the sad comedown after a night of drunken debauchery.

Drinking lyric: “And the beer I had for breakfast wasn’t bad, so I had one more for dessert”

 

No.9 Wynonie Harris, “Quiet Whiskey”

The fantastically named Wynonie Harris cut some excellent jump blues songs in the late ’40s and early ‘50s. These swinging tracks full of double entendres may have predated the official birth of rock ‘n’ roll, but they already embodied all of its best qualities: shouty vocals, a dynamic sound and an elastic rhythm section just made for wild dancing. All combined with lyrics about unhinged behavior, such as this tale of what happens after opening the first bottle of whiskey (more are bound to follow, and the cops are soon to come).

Drinking lyric: “Whiskey, whiskey on the shelf, you were so quiet there all by yourself/Things were fine till they took you down”

No.8 The Champs, “Tequila”

Some of the best drinking songs work so well because you don’t actually have to be lucid enough to remember, or even know, the lyrics. “Louie Louie” is perhaps the best-known example, a favorite of slurring mouths around the globe, but “La Cucaracha” or this nigh-instrumental blast of fun by the Champs is even easier to shout out late at night. See also: raucous singalongs; shouting neighbors; tragic limbo accidents.

Drinking lyric: “TEQUILA!”

No.7 Lambert, Hendricks & Ross, “Gimme That Wine”

Vocal jazz may have a stuffy and even cheesy image, but just imagine those classy cocktail joints loosened up after closing time: fingers snapping left and right, the floor sticky with spilled daiquiris and the air clogged with skinny cigarette smoke. A cappella wizards Lambert, Hendricks & Ross team up here with a band for a silly original not that far from the rowdy stylings of Wynonie at No. 9. We dare you not to crack a smile. The whole things rhymes, too!

Drinking lyric: “Unhand that bottle!”

No.6 Three 6 Mafia, “Sippin’ On Some Syrup”

“Purple drank” or “sizzurp” are slang names for the newest drink on this list, a Southern concoction made from a cough syrup base mixed with soda or even candy. Though both the drank and its most powerful ingredients (codeine and promethazine) make cameos in songs by Lil’ Wayne, Nicki Minaj and Drake (most recently his “I’m On One”), the drank’s catchiest appearance was in this Oscar-winning (!) rap troupe’s “Sippin’ On Some Syrup.”

CAUTION! (C)RAP MUSIC! CONTAINS BASICALLY NOTHING BUT VULGARITY!

Drinking lyric: “Sippin’ on some sizzurp/Sip, sippin’ on some, sip”

No.5 Tom Waits, “New Coat Of Paint”

With his gravelly voice, off-kilter humor and after-hours piano playing, Tom Waits has written many tributes to being blitzed on booze, “The Piano Has Been Drinking (Not Me),” “Jockey Full Of Bourbon” and “Drunk On The Moon,” to name some of his more blotto tunes. My favorite is “New Coat Of Paint” (one of the better euphemisms for getting jacked on booze), off the fantastic dive-bar soundtrack The Heart of Saturday Night.

Drinking lyric: “Our love needs a transfusion, so let’s shoot it full of wine”

No.4 The Pogues, “Streams Of Whiskey”

For every dozen rock stars lost to hooch and drug abuse (RIP Zeppelin’s John Bonham, Amy Winehouse, AC/DC’s Bon Scott), there’s one who miraculously endures, and that’s Shane MacGowan. This at one point almost toothless singer started the Pogues in the early 1980s, reinvigorating Irish folk music with a double shot of raw punk and creating an infectious cocktail of politics, accordions and Guinness.

Drinking lyric: “There’s nothing ever gained by a wet thing called a tear/When the world is too dark and I need the light inside of me, I’ll walk into a bar and drink 15 pints of beer”

No.3 Metallica, “Whiskey In The Jar”

Surely the oldest song on this list, “Whiskey In The Jar” probably hails from the 17th century and relates the tale of a violent highwayman betrayed by a woman. Though not actually dealing with drinking as such, the song’s infectious (and incomprehensible) chorus seems tailor-made for breaking out in boisterous song. And sorry, Thin Lizzy fans, James Hetfield’s maniacal singing style, which adds an extra syllable to the last word of every line he sings (-ah!), makes this the version to beat.

I’ll take an honest Irish version of this song any day and IMHO this is a butcher job of a fine song.

Drinking lyric: “Musha rain dum-a-doo dum-a-da, yeah, yeah!”

No.2 The Gourds, “Gin & Juice”

It’s easy to forget that Snoop Dogg‘s second single was as much an ode to booze as it was “bubonic chronic,” and The Gourds’ bluegrass reinvention turns this classic West Coast track into a country hoedown jam, all beat-up fiddles and jars of moonshine.

If it’s my opinion ya be wantin’  vocalist Kevin “Shinyribs” Russell could pass for John Popper basically any day

Drinking lyric, duh: “Rollin’ down the street, smokin’ indo, sippin’ on gin and juice/Laid back, with my mind on my money and my money on my mind”

No.1 Dead Kennedys, “Too Drunk To F*ck”

Buzzed on cheap booze, broke as hell, your ears assaulted by tinny punk thrashing — that’s when a mosh pit starts to seem like an ideal habitat. The Dead Kennedys’ highly political hardcore punk is surprisingly as funny as it is angry. Our No. 1 on this list may end in vomit and worse, but on the way it’ll make even sober people smile with lines like, “You give me head/It makes it worse/Take out your f*ckin’ retainer/Put it in your purse.” Cheers!

CAUTION! MUTIPLE F-BOMB WARNING!

Drinking lyric: “Went to a party/I danced all night/I drank 16 beers/And I started up a fight.”

http://www.askmen.com/top_10/entertainment/top-10-drinking-songs.html

Not a decent Irish Drinking Song in the lot! Oh well! I can bloody well fix that!

 

A couple toasts to get us off on the right foot then: 

“Here’s to a long life, and a merry one; a quick death, and an easy one; a pretty girl, and an honest one; a cold beer – and another one!”

“May the devil make a ladder of your backbone – While he is picking apples in the garden of Hell”

 

Never Felt Better

In a court in Killarney, deep in Munster, Ireland, this conversation is reported to have taken place:

Lawyer: ‘At the scene of the accident, Mr.. O’Shea, did you tell the Garda officer that you had never felt better in your life?’

O’Shea the farmer: ‘That’s right, sir.’

Lawyer: ‘Well then, Mr.. O’Shea, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client’s car hit your cart?’

O’Shea the farmer: ‘When the Garda arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Darcy, my dog, who was badly hurt, and shot him.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’  I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say: ‘I’ve never felt better in my life.’

 

Sorry! Just a wee bit o’ Gratuitous Irish Scenery! St. Patrick’s Day always makes me homesick for County Cork and the Irish countryside in the spring is one of the most beautiful places on earth. 

An American tourist travelling in County Clare came across a little antique shop in which he was lucky enough to pick up, for a mere 200 Irish punts ($350), the skull of Brian Boru*.

Included in the price was a certificate of the skull’s authenticity, signed by Brian Boru himself.

Fifteen years later the tourist returned to Ireland and asked the man from Clare, who owned the antique shop, if he had any more bargains.

‘I’ve got the very thing for you, ‘said the shopkeeper, ‘It’s the genuine skull of Brian Boru.’

‘You cheat, ‘exploded the American, ‘You sold me that fifteen years ago, ‘and producing the skull added loudly, ‘Look, they’re not even the same size.’

‘You have got it wrong,’ opined the seller, ‘This is the skull of Brian Boru when he was a lad.’

* Brian Boru (940 to 1014) managed the rare feat of uniting Ireland.  In a turning point in the war with the Vikings, Brian Boru defeated the Viking leader Ivar in single combat.  Not only was Brian successful in battle, but he also had at least 4 wives and founded the O’ Brien clan.

Sounds like one of my relatives owned that shop!

What? You think the Chinese invented that idea with the bloody fortune cookie? Not bloody likely boy-o!

 

 

Recently ( Leprechaun Laugh # 128 for Wednesday Feb 15th 2012) I ran an item about the father of a 14 year old with a big chip on her shoulder, and even bigger vulgar mouth and little appreciation for what can and does happen when you post things online about your personal life. (Daughter’s Facebook post infuriates dad and her laptop pays the price ) Well Dad made a video response to her Facebook comments and posted it there. The grand finale of the response was his destroying her lap top by shooting it in his backyard with his 9 MM pistol. The response went viral and the rest as they say was history.

Not only did the girl get a lesson in tough love and  the unintended consequences of posting scathing rants at your parents on line. She has also gotten  several other ( I’d say valuable life) lessons, like about the vile things that people will say and do because you post things on the internet which get major attention.

Then there is the one about how the Liberals in the Comrade Big Brother- Nanny State will gleefully use the words of an obviously rebellious barely teenager who is pissed off at her parents (wow what a surprise given the age) doing the cyber equivalent of the public for drama tantrum thing as gospel truth and basis for launching an intrusive investigation into the family and (preeminently until all children are of legal age)hooks of we can comeback any time now and if you refuse our unwarranted intrusions into your private life and raising of your children take your children away for refusing to co-operate under the PRESUMPTION you have something to hide.

Then of course there was the same flavor of BB-NS from the other level of government who didn’t want to be left out or out done (no clear idea of which one of these was state and which was local) who decided that the Father’s replay was clearly a case for an immediate investigation into possible child endangerment issues because he used on gun on her lap top, when she was not even home and never once threatened her with it, simply because in their estimation the response was poor judgment on the Father’s part! Yet strangely the preponderance of comments made when last I looked were in support of his actions.

Lastly and perhaps most important she got a lesson from her Father that he stands by the same values he was preaching at her. Namely that you stand up and take responsibility for your actions afterwards. Here is an interview with the family discussing the aftermath of the video going viral on one of the morning shows you’ll see what I mean.

http://blog.chron.com/hottopics/2012/03/laptop-shooting-dad-stands-behind-his-actions/? LEt’utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+houstonchronicle%2Ftopheadlines+%28chron.com+-+Top+Stories%29&utm_content=Google+International

I resent that middle one! Up until 8 bloody years ago I never felt the need for a wife, or a fashion critic and in fact had more bloody men’s fashion sense that all of the women I knew and half the men, INCLUDING 3 that were ‘don’t ask don’t tell” who used to ask ME for fashion advice! NOT mind up that most of the time for most of me life I had much of a wardrobe to chose from. Choices are not complicated when your biggest question facing your closet is than Utilities or Dress uniform!

Paddy’s Green Shamrock Shore – The High Kings

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.

He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”

She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. Me husband passed away last night.”

The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”

She says, “That he did, Father …”

The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”

She says, “He said, “Please Mary, put down that damn gun.”

 

A scuffle started in the local one Friday night. Words were exchanged, then insults and finally blows. Bottles, glasses, people, flew through the air and Casey ended up being hit in the face by a sharp piece of glass which cut off his nose.

‘Stick his nose back on and hold it with your hand,’ ordered McGinty. ‘And we’ll get him to the hospital.’

Out into the street they flew to be greeted by sheets of rain pelting down.

Quickly they bundled the injured man along and into the casualty department.

‘Will he live?’ inquired the boys.

Too late,’ said the doctor, ‘he’s a goner.’

‘Was it loss of blood?’ asked Finbar.

‘No, he drowned. You put his nose on upside down,’ sighed the doc.

 

Murphy had asked Casey for the hand of his daughter in wedlock.

‘And can you support a family?’ asked Casey.

‘I think so,’ replied Murphy.

‘Well. There’s six of us, you know,’ said the future father-in-law.

Murphy had studied the facts carefully and had come up with the following conclusions.

The odds against being on a plane which had a bomb on board were 10,000 to 1.

However, the odds against being on a plane which had two bombs on board were 10,000,000 to 1.

‘That settles it,’ he said. ‘From now on, every time I fly I’m taking a bomb with me!’

‘Is that the Liverpool Echo?’ said Patrick.

‘It is.’

‘How much would it be to put an ad in your paper?’

‘Five pounds an inch,’ replied the receptionist.

Too dear!’ snapped Patrick.

‘Why? What are you selling?’

‘A ten-foot ladder,’ said the Irishman, and banged the phone down.

Lethal was tooling along the road one fine day when the local policeman, a friend of his, pulled him over. “What’s wrong, Seamus?” Lethal asked. “Well didn’t ya know, Lethal, that your wife fell out of the car about five miles back?” said Seamus. “Ah, praise the Almighty!” he replied with relief. “I thought I’d gone deaf!”

One of the customs associated with St Patrick’s Day is ’the wearing of the green’.

Why green?

According to some accounts, blue was the first color associated with St. Patrick’s Day, but that started to change in the 17th century. Green is one of the colors in Ireland’s tri-color flag, and it has been used in the flags of several Irish revolutionary groups throughout history. Ireland is the “Emerald Isle,” so named for its lush green landscape.

The Wolfe Tones – Wearing Of The Green

 

At one time in an attempt to crush Irelands sense of heritage, pride and sense of nationalism, England actually outlawed an Irishmen wearing green. The wearing of green on St Patrick’s Day also helps us remember our perseverance through these hard low times.

Of course just as with everything else in life you have those who will take things to extremes. A couple cases in point:

However I much prefer a more subtle tasteful and/or private statement/display like this:

See what I mean? What’s that? You don’t like her or the way she wears her green? Well then!….

Well as you can see we’ve come to the end of the issue. I ahve to go behind the magical gate and do some serious drinking…I MEAN Quality Control Consulting! What? No! I’ll NOT stand you a pint Impish! I swear the only brand you drink is “Other Peoples” you cheap dragon!

Ok, Ok! In the spirit of Irish hospitality IF you can find me on St Patrick’s Day I’ll stand you a pint & a lunch plate of Corned Beef. Give you a hint? Ok I’ll be…