Dragon Laffs

OK! Let’s simmer down folks! We’ve got a busy week ahead and a chock full issue for you besides so lets get to it shall we?

Mardi Gras, or the celebration period before the austerity of Lent begins, technically extends from January through the day before Ash Wednesday. But it is most famously celebrated in the City of New Orleans on that last day, also known as Fat Tuesday. The famous necklaces of glass beans are strung around necks as people feast on traditional recipes of gumbo, jambalaya, and Bananas Foster. Feathered masks add to the festivity, and celebrants are showered with gold doubloons.

Fat Tuesday unfortunately was yesterday. That’s right boys and girls, no more nightly sites like this:

For another whole year now.

 

That makes today for those of you who are practicing Catholics Ash Wednesday, or as we used to call it when I grew up, “What? Fish again for dinner?”

Ash Wednesday, in the calendar of Western Christianity, is the first day of Lent and occurs 46 days before Easter. It is a moveable fast, falling on a different date each year because it is dependent on the date of Easter. It can occur as early as February 4 or as late as March 10.

According to the canonical gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke; Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert before the beginning of his public ministry, during which he endured temptation by Satan.  Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of this 40-day liturgical period of prayer and fasting.

Ash Wednesday derives its name from the practice of placing ashes on the foreheads of adherents as a reminder and celebration of human mortality, and as a sign of mourning and repentance to God. The ashes used are typically gathered after the palms from the previous year’s Palm Sunday are burned.

This practice is common in much of Christendom, being celebrated by Catholics, Anglicans, Lutherans, Methodists, and some Baptist denominations

Here at DL/LL Enterprises this is known as the Season of the Cranky Dragon & the Why-Is-My-Sandwich-Tuna-Again? Hasn’t-Anyone-Ever-Heard-Of-Chopped-Herring-Or-Sardines? Leprechaun. The season will end on Easter with the advent of the 14 days of the Never Ending Eternal Egg Salad.

But wait! We’re not done with events for the week just yet we’re only up to Thursday!  Well its rolled around once again fellas, that day of the year we dread more than her Birthday or our Anniversary. {<[Cue menacing music]>}

The dreaded Valentine’s Day is tomorrow!

<Sipping my coffee, looking very pleased with myself while waiting for the screams and crying to subside, predominantly from the men in the room> You know it really IS the little things that make this job worthwhile, like the power to with a single announcement reduce a bunch of manly guys and a Dragons to fearful quivering mice.

Yup it’s that time again the time of year when roses go for 4 times what they will a week from now the candy aisle at the store over flows and the relationships (to say nothing of the future sex lives) of many adult males is decided for the year.

Fail and you’re in relationship Siberia on the couch if your married or kicked to the curb by an angry girlfriend in a piece of incredible lingerie she paid as much for as you should have for those roses.

Besides if things DO go to hell in a heart shaped candy box for you tomorrow you still can hold on the the hope that the half a football field (45 m) Asteroid that is supposed to be cruising by on Friday the 15th comes way closer than the 17,000 miles distant they think it will pass by at and hits you.

This concludes our week of gloom and doom briefing. Hope you’re looking forward to the rest of your week! No? Ah well at least I can give the condemned a hearty last laugh before they meet their fate!

 

 

Lean Cuisine recalls meal that may contain glass

Published On: Feb 11 2013 12:09:05 PM CST

HOUSTON –

A Lean Cuisine meal has been recalled because it may contain glass fragments.

The recall is for Lean Cuisines Culinary Collection Mushroom Mezzaluna Ravioli with UPC 13800-58358.

The affected items have production codes of 2311587812 and 2312587812 and a “best before” date of DEC 2013.

The meals were made in November 2012 and distributed nationwide.

Three consumers have reported finding small glass fragments in their meals. No injuries have been reported.

Anyone who has the recalled item should contact Nestle Consumer Services at 866-586-9424 or email leancuisine@casupport.com for instructions as to what to do with the meals. The company may want the meal to be returned to it for examination. Customers will get a coupon for another meal.

How to change a number 1 to a number 2.

 

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2″, strong as a longhorn, and fast as mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff’s Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an “Attitude Suitability Test”, that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.” Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot: six illegal aliens, six lawyers, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six Democrats, and a rabbit.”

“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.

“You pass,” said the Chief Deputy. “When can you start?”

The Absent-Minded Preacher

I was talking to my preacher and noticed he had cut himself shaving, so I asked him about it.

He said he was concentrating on his sermon while shaving, and had nicked his chin.

I thought about that during the service.

After he was done, I stood in line to greet him after the service.

I told him that I thought about what he had said.

“And…?” he replied.

I told him next time, he should concentrate on what he was doing, and cut his sermon instead.

The Top 5 Signs It’s Snowing Too Damn Much

A massive blizzard named “Winter Storm Nemo” dumped as much as three feet of snow in parts of the Northeast U.S. over the weekend. Some of our readers are beginning to show signs of going cabin fever crazy judging from the e-mails I have been getting so this one is for them.

The Top 5 Signs It’s Snowing Too Damn Much

5> The street you live on now boasts a Black Diamond rating.
4> Your kids’ snow man and snow woman have more kids than the Duggars.
3> Shaun White and his posse rule the lawless streets.
2> You haven’t shoveled this much white stuff since your weekend with Motley Crue.

and The Number 1 Sign It’s Snowing Too Damn Much…

1> The latest module to the International Space Station is delivered using only a pair of snow shoes and a long stick

Walt Disney’s New Film Delayed Indefinitely After Cast Objects To Script

Inside sources at Disney Studios have alerted us here at Dl/LL Electronic Media Enterprises that Walt Disney’s new film called “Jet Black”, the non-racist version of “Snow White”, has been put on hold.  All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and Wog, have refused to sing “Hi-Ho”.  They also say they have no intention of “Going off to work”.

 

 

 

Recently our Liberal Socialist in Chief was asked if he had ever fired a gun. His reply was somewhere along the lines of:

“all the time, we frequently shoot skeet sporting clays at Camp David”

almost immediately unnamed White House sources (presumed to be someone in the Presidential Secret Service Detail) made a rather cryptic comment which roughly amounted to:

“Eh…not so much as he’d have you believe he does”

This was interpreted to mean that Obama does not shoot a gun all that often at Camp David, or at least not nearly as often as he was trying to imply. We here at DL/LL Enterprises through great effort and pressure on our considerable contacts in government have learn what the mysterious naysayer was actually alluding to. The fact in dispute was in fact NOT the frequency with which the President shoots Skeet it was the fact that he was actually shooting at Sporting Clays when he did it! See here:

WELL THAT makes a whole lot more sense now doesn’t it?

We here at DL/LL Enterprises are committed to continuing to uncover these truths and bring them to you as they occur.

Optional Title: Obama goes Dick Cheney on the Constitution

19 Ways The Government is Watching You

January 10, 2013 | http://www.mrconservative.com/2013/01/3412-19-ways-govt-watches-us/

The following is the second installment of the 19 signs that America is being systematically transformed into a giant surveillance grid….

#11 Pre-Crime Surveillance Technology

Did you think that “pre-crime” was just something for science fiction movies?

Unfortunately, that is no longer the case. A company known as BRS Labs has developed “pre-crime surveillance cameras” that they claim can identify potential terrorists and criminals even before they strike.

Yes, this sounds like a bunch of nonsense, but some law enforcement authorities are taking this quite seriously. In fact, dozens of these ”pre-crime surveillance cameras” are being put up at major transportation hubs all over San Francisco….

In its latest project BRS Labs is to install its devices on the transport system in San Francisco, which includes buses, trams and subways.

The company says will put them in 12 stations with up to 22 cameras in each, bringing the total number to 288.

The cameras will be able to track up to 150 people at a time in real time and will gradually build up a ‘memory’ of suspicious behavior to work out what is suspicious.

#12 Mobile Backscatter Vans

Do you think that you can get away from the TSA scanners by simply refusing to fly and by avoiding all U.S. airports?

Don’t be so sure.

In fact, law enforcement authorities all over the country will soon be driving around in unmarked vans looking inside your cars and even under your clothes using the same backscatter technology currently being used by the TSA at U.S. airports….

American cops are set to join the US military in deploying American Science & Engineering’s Z Backscatter Vans, or mobile backscatter radiation x-rays. These are what TSA officials call “the amazing radioactive genital viewer,” now seen in airports around America, ionizing the private parts of children, the elderly, and you (yes you).

These pornoscannerwagons will look like regular anonymous vans, and will cruise America’s streets, indiscriminately peering through the cars (and clothes) of anyone in range of its mighty isotope-cannon. But don’t worry, it’s not a violation of privacy. As AS&E’s vice president of marketing Joe Reiss sez, “From a privacy standpoint, I’m hard-pressed to see what the concern or objection could be

#13 Automated License Plate Readers

In a previous article, I discussed a Washington Post article that detailed how automated license plate readers are now being used to track the movements of a vehicle from the time that it enters Washington D.C. to the time that it leaves….

More than 250 cameras in the District and its suburbs scan license plates in real time, helping police pinpoint stolen cars and fleeing killers. But the program quietly has expanded beyond what anyone had imagined even a few years ago.

With virtually no public debate, police agencies have begun storing the information from the cameras, building databases that document the travels of millions of vehicles.

Nowhere is that more prevalent than in the District, which has more than one plate-reader per square mile, the highest concentration in the nation. Police in the Washington suburbs have dozens of them as well, and local agencies plan to add many more in coming months, creating a comprehensive dragnet that will include all the approaches into the District.

Think this is BS? Think both the author and I are paranoid? Here’s a demonstration.  Keep this video in mind particularly the last 30 seconds of it when you get to #15 below!

 

#14 Data Mining

Private companies are almost more eager to invade your privacy than the government is.

In fact, there are a whole bunch of very large corporations that are making a fortune by gathering every shred of information about you that they possibly can and selling that information for profit. It is called “data mining“, and it is an industry that has absolutely exploded in recent years.

One of the largest data mining companies is known as Acxiom. That firm has actually compiled information on more than 190 million people in the United States alone….

The company fits into a category called database marketing. It started in 1969 as an outfit called Demographics Inc., using phone books and other notably low-tech tools, as well as one computer, to amass information on voters and consumers for direct marketing. Almost 40 years later, Acxiom has detailed entries for more than 190 million people and 126 million households in the U.S., and about 500 million active consumers worldwide. More than 23,000 servers in Conway, just north of Little Rock, collect and analyze more than 50 trillion data ‘transactions’ a year.

#15 The Growing Use Of Facial Recognition Technology

Most Americans do not realize this, but the use of facial recognition technology has absolutely exploded in recent years.

For example, did you know that there are now 32 states that use some type of facial recognition technology for DMV photos?

That is why they give you such strict instructions when you get your DMV photo taken. They want your photo to be able to work with the database.

But the government is not the only one using creepy facial recognition technology. The following is from a recent article by Naomi Wolf….

A software engineer in my Facebook community wrote recently about his outrage that when he visited Disneyland, and went on a ride, the theme park offered him the photo of himself and his girlfriend to buy – with his credit card information already linked to it. He noted that he had never entered his name or information into anything at the theme park, or indicated that he wanted a photo, or alerted the humans at the ride to who he and his girlfriend were – so, he said, based on his professional experience, the system had to be using facial recognition technology. He had never signed an agreement allowing them to do so, and he declared that this use was illegal. He also claimed that Disney had recently shared data from facial-recognition technology with the United States military.

Yes, I know: it sounds like a paranoid rant.

Except that it turned out to be true. News21, supported by the Carnegie and Knight foundations, reports that Disney sites are indeed controlled by face-recognition technology, that the military is interested in the technology, and that the face-recognition contractor, Identix, has contracts with the US government – for technology that identifies individuals in a crowd.

#16 Rapid DNA Testing

But what law enforcement authorities like even better than facial recognition technology is DNA testing.

The following is from a recent article by Ellen Messmer….

It’s been the FBI’s dream for years — to do near-instant DNA analysis using mobile equipment in the field — and now “Rapid DNA” gear is finally here.

The idea is that you simply drop into the system a cotton swab with a person’s saliva, for example, and the “Rapid DNA” machine spits out the type of DNA data that’s needed to pin down identity. Now that such equipment exists, the FBI is pushing to get it into the hands of law enforcement agencies as soon as possible.

#17 The FBI’s Next Generation Identification System

It was recently announced that the FBI is spending a billion dollars to develop a “Next Generation Identification System” that will combine the most advanced biometric identification technologies to create a database superior to anything that law enforcement in the United States has ever had before….

The US Federal Bureau of Investigation has begun rolling out its new $1 billion biometric Next Generation Identification (NGI) system. In essence, NGI is a nationwide database of mugshots, iris scans, DNA records, voice samples, and other biometrics, that will help the FBI identify and catch criminals — but it is how this biometric data is captured, through a nationwide network of cameras and photo databases, that is raising the eyebrows of privacy advocates.

Until now, the FBI relied on IAFIS, a national fingerprint database that has long been due an overhaul. Over the last few months, the FBI has been pilot testing a facial recognition system — and soon, detectives will also be able to search the system for other biometrics such as DNA records and iris scans.

#18 The NYPD’s Domain Awareness System

Local law enforcement agencies around the country are also spending big bucks to upgrade their surveillance capabilities. The new “Domain Awareness System” that the NYPD just put in was described in a recent article by Neal Ungerleider….

The New York Police Department is embracing online surveillance in a wide-eyed way. Representatives from Microsoft and the NYPD announced the launch of their new Domain Awareness System (DAS) at a lower Manhattan press conference today. Using DAS, police are able to monitor thousands of CCTV cameras around the five boroughs, scan license plates, find out the kind of radiation cars are emitting, and extrapolate info on criminal and terrorism suspects from dozens of criminal databases … all in near-real time.

But don’t think that you are getting off the hook if you don’t live in New York City. The truth is that Microsoft has big plans for putting in these kinds of systems nationwide.

#19 Trapwire

Did you know that a huge network of incredibly advanced spy cameras is currently being installed nationwide?

Yes, I know that it sounds like something off of a television show, but this is actually true. It is called “Trapwire”, and I described this emerging system in one of my recent articles….

“You are being watched. The government has a secret system – a machine – that spies on you every hour of every day.” That is how each episode of “Person of Interest” on CBS begins. Most Americans that have watched the show just assume that such a surveillance network is completely fictional and that the government would never watch us like that. Sadly, most Americans are wrong. Shocking new details have emerged this week which prove that a creepy nationwide network of spy cameras is being rolled out across the United States. Reportedly, these new spy cameras are “more accurate than modern facial recognition technology”, and every few seconds they send back data from cities and major landmarks all over the United States to a centralized processing center where it is analyzed. The authorities believe that the world has become such a dangerous place that the only way to keep us all safe is to watch what everyone does all the time. But the truth is that instead of “saving America”, all of these repressive surveillance technologies are slowly killing our liberties and our freedoms. America is being transformed into an Orwellian prison camp right in front of our eyes, and very few people are even objecting to it.

An RT article was one of the first news sources to reveal some of the shocking details about this new program….

Former senior intelligence officials have created a detailed surveillance system more accurate than modern facial recognition technology — and have installed it across the US under the radar of most Americans, according to emails hacked by Anonymous.

Every few seconds, data picked up at surveillance points in major cities and landmarks across the United States are recorded digitally on the spot, then encrypted and instantaneously delivered to a fortified central database center at an undisclosed location to be aggregated with other intelligence. It’s part of a program called TrapWire and it’s the brainchild of the Abraxas, a Northern Virginia company staffed with elite from America’s intelligence community. The employee roster at Arbaxas reads like a who’s who of agents once with the Pentagon, CIA and other government entities according to their public LinkedIn profiles, and the corporation’s ties are assumed to go deeper than even documented.

So after reading all of the information above, is there anyone out there that still doubts that America is being transformed into a giant surveillance grid?

Apparently they even make Valentine’s Day Cookies for you to send to your Ex!

How much you want to be that chocolate frosting is liberally laced with Ex-Lax?

This blond got married on Ash Wednesday. On the first day of their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.” Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to and for how long?”

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an
undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it’ll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150.
The guy says, “We’ll ship her home.”
The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”
The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t
take that chance.”

Ok I’m going to do something unusual (for me) and do this one anonymously as when I pointed something out that was readily apparent to me about the event brought to our attention in the e-mail the sender was totally embarrassed that they missed something so obvious.

Hey anyone can have an off day. Impish has them all the time, heck he is even generous enough to have most of my share for me too!

Since the entire affair the exchange is about is just to good to pass up I’m posting it sans mention of whom sent it.

From: Nobody we’re mentioning
Sent: Wednesday, February 06, 2013 11:38 AM
Subject: Check out ‘Lincoln’ Historically Inaccurate? Congressman Joe Courtney Finds

Click here: ‘Lincoln’ Historically Inaccurate? Congressman Joe Courtney Finds Big Error in Film

Is this all CT’s congressman have to do? the state is sinking, the country is sinking and this idiot is watching movies. Want to know how I’d have voted? let me say this, they’re be no welfare, wouldn’t need it-they’d still be working.

In a message dated 2/6/2013 2:42:47 P.M. Eastern Standard Time, blarneyworks@gmail.com writes:

I think you missed the larger point here.

This is a politician complaining about TRUTH and ACCURACY of FACTS!

Aside from the hubris, hypocrisy and sheer BALLS required to do this straight faced, one has to wonder how he recognized those 3 items in the first place- given that politicians are chronically adverse to and  religiously avoid all 3 unless cornered incontrovertibly with them!

We’ve got Gay Pride Day, LGBT Pride Day, Black Pride Day, Atheist Pride Day, White Pride Day (I think that one is a High Holiday for the Klan), Feminist Pride Day, Ypsilanti PRIDE- People Restoring Image and Developing the Environment  [don’t ask I have NO idea], Middle Name Pride Day & Pagan Pride Day. Well I think its time we have a pride day for the ‘norms’! I say…

LET’S CELEBRATE….

we could do it in place of Valentine’s Day for a win/win for both sexes!

THIS

PLUS THIS

  and/or

AND ADDING THIS

EQUALS :

COMPLETE HAPPINESS ! !

If you received this by mistake, let me know, and please accept my SINCERE APOLOGIES…

The Top 5 Valentine’s Day Romance Tips

5> Phrases to avoid at dinner: “fully tax-deductible”;
“violation of my parole”; “by decree of Lord Satan”;
and “unpaid humor-list contributor.”

4> If there’s any chance whatsoever she might sleep with you,
do the safe thing — get rid of those “Star Wars” sheets.

3> When role-playing, do not suggest that she be the hot chick
at work.

2> Start your date as late as possible to lessen the odds your
true self will accidentally surface.

and The Number 1 Valentine’s Day Romance Tip…

1> Your choice of gift tells a woman what you think about her.
Roses, for example, say, “No chocolate for you, tubby!”

[ Copyright 2013 by Chris White/HumorLabs.com ]

Seems our Crown Queen of puns Diaman is branching out into less than virtuous verses! Here’s a few of her first attempt.

There was a young girl named O’Malley
Who wanted to dance in the ballet.
She got roars of applause
When she kicked off her drawers
But her hair and her bush didn’t tally.

An elderly man was depressed
His sex life was over, he guessed
Then two girls in their teens
Made him cream in his jeans
As he fondled each tender young breast

Your job this week hasn’t borne fruit?
Use this modern technique to earn loot:
Pick a rich guy who’s famous,
Allege something heinous,
And file a ten-million-buck suit.

There once was a stranger to Leeds,
Who ate a whole packet of seeds,
Within the next hour,
His dick was a flower,
And his balls were all covered in weeds.

There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,”I’ve now rammed it in!”
She said, “You mean that isn’t your finger?”

A shiftless young fellow of Kent
Had his wife screw the landlord for rent.
But as she grew older,
The landlord grew colder,
And now they live out in a tent.

When I was young and in my prime
I used to jack off all the time.
Now I’m older with more sense
I use a knot hole in the fence.

There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
She just threw the switch,
And Crockett went off like a rocket

 

 

Ok, FAIR WARNING GIVEN! This next video is a bit of a heart breaker. Nobody likes to see animal suffer or in distress, and if you do please let Impish or I know where your sorry butt resides. One of us will be along directly to put you out of humanity’s suffering painfully and permanently.

However in this video I found something that has been entirely lacking in our news for quite some time…Hope. Hope that all is not lost and that not all our youth a Rap playing, mobile sound system blaring at 2 AM anti everything their parents stand for or ever taught them for the sheer sake of rebellion soon to be liberal entitlement teat sucking Democrats.

I found a few teens who saw a problem, refused to accept it or to give up and wound up put a lot of their time and effort into helping a single cat solely because nobody else would or could.

 

Where does my hope come form? As I have said several times before here while I may not hold the Catholic Church in particularly high esteem, there are several Catholic figures whose teaching I do hold in high regard. One of those is St Francis of Assisi who said:

“If you have men who will exclude any of God’s creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men.”

While there ate teens in our next generation of leaders who seem to instinctively under this then all cannot be lost. We need to give that mindset and those kids a fighting chance by preventing the liberals from brainwashing them in Politically Correct Conformity through their education.

“A gun is like a parachute…If you ever need one and don’t have one, you’ll probably never need one again!”

If I worked in a Restaurant on Valentine’s Day I’s put a fake Engagement Ring in every girl’s drink!

 My Doctor told me to start killing people. Well, not in those exact words.  He said I had to reduce the stress in my life. From where I sit that’s the same thing.

Here’s one for the NE readers who experienced Winter Storm ‘Nemo’-

A government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy conditions should take:

– Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag

– Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves

– 24 hours supply of food and drink

– De-icer

– 5 kgs of rock salt

– Torch or lantern with spare batteries

– Road flares and reflective triangles

– Tow rope

– 5 gallon petrol can

– First aid kit

– Jump leads

I felt like a complete idiot on the bus this morning.

 

Out of all the things I had in the possible Parting Shot file this week this seemed the most important. We had a problem with infected sends from a reader last week for a second time. Unfortunately that same uncooperative individual was more interested in picking a fight than fixing his chronic problem forcing us to regretfully take drastic steps to protect both ourselves and our readers.

Is this message for real?

If you saw this message when you were surfing today, take note. It’s not a scam, but a notice from Microsoft itself that your computer was a “zombie.” What does that mean?

Hackers and scammers use computer networks called “botnets” to more effectively spread viruses. Often, they’ll infect multiple computers with software that lets them send out spam emails filled with viruses.

Your computer may be a part of one and not even know it! This sort of software acts silently to send out hundreds or even thousands of messages per day. This type of scam is one of the most profitable for hackers. This botnet alone made millions for scammers every year!

Every now and then, these are taken offline. This is what happened in this case – Microsoft took the computers controlling the “zombie” computers offline. However, the virus could still be infecting your machine.

You’ll need to run anti viral  anti malware scans to sniff out and snuff out any leftovers of the virus you still have on your machine.

Make sure you keep updated security software installed on your computer to prevent this from happening again.

Finally if you get a curt e-mail from Impish or myself (if its curt its likely from me) saying you have been hacked or have a virus heed our warning. DO NOT come back at us with attitude or hip deep in denial. One of us has forgotten more about malware and viruses, cyber security and hacking in general than most of you will ever know or want to know. For that matter the other one of us is no slouch in this department either.

One heads up from us should be enough from where we sit. If it happens again, I’m apt to get down right pointed about the issue since you infected people sending to us represents a threat, not only to our systems, but to all the systems of the readers who write us and to whom we respond. We find this totally unacceptable.

In this day and age of so many good free and extremely easy to use proactive Anti-virus & Anti- malware programs along with the number of articles out  is (to say nothing about the number of times I have mentioned it here) there literally no acceptable reason for us receiving virused or malware ridden messages or for us getting spam messages to dangerous sites from your hacked e-mail account.

None. At. All.

Impish has been forced into giving up his harem of virgins for Lent so I thought a last parting look for him was the least I could do for the poor guy! I’m sure none of the rest of our male readership is objecting too strenuously either since there is a good chance that after Valentine’s Day tomorrow this is the last time until July they’ll see a woman with this little clothing on.

My personal thanks to my Administrative Assistant Friday and her little sister Wednesday (blonde) who is the Receptionist in our Main Lobby for posing for the photo.

Good  Morning Campers!
Today’s issue is going to be a lot of fun; not much else, but doesn’t everyone need a bunch of fun sometime?
Okay, so I’ve had a tough week.
It was my first week back to work.
That was tough enough, but then the Brown-Gold Delivery System at the office died.  Well, suffice it to say that I woke up, hand-cuffed and chained at a Starbucks in Pokeepsie with a coffee IV in my arm.
So yeah, it’s been a week and we need to LAUGH!!!!!

This is great!  One of the funniest things I’ve seen on the web in a long time. 

Recently, CBS’s 60 Minutes did an absolutely gushing and fawning segment with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

It was so bad that Jay Leno and Company turned it into a Cialis commercial on NBC’s Tonight Show.

“A recent article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. It’s not surprising that yoga fans are upset with this article. After all, it’s easy for them to get bent out of shape.” -Craig Ferguson

***
“A man named Peter Robbins, a 56-year-old guy, was the voice of Charlie Brown on TV. He was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown did not have the money to post bail. You know why? He’s working for peanuts.” -Jay Leno

***
“New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they’re taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel not a problem.” -Dave Letterman

***
“The Sundance Film Festival begins today. The jury is choosing among 87 different films. I don’t know if I could be a judge. Watching five movies a day sounds exhausting. But maybe that’s just a sign of how out of shape I am.” -Craig Ferguson

***
“According to a new study, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. Researchers said they were surprised by how many people actually hate long walks on the beach at sunset.” -Jay Leno

***
“A school in New Zealand discovered that a model skeleton for an anatomy class was actually a real human skeleton. Yeah, they made the realization when they noticed they hadn’t seen their anatomy teacher in about eight months.” -Jimmy Fallon

***
“You know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.” -Jay Leno

***

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***

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“Near Antarctica, scientists just discovered some new undersea creatures. I believe this deep sea discovery is yet more evidence of the wonderful bio-diversity in our oceans that we have to clear out if we’re going to get at that tasty crude oil.” -Craig Ferguson

***
“The University of Arizona now offers a degree in hip-hop. Trust me. That’s one class where you don’t want to cheat off the Asian kid.” –Conan O’Brien

***
“According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the top two most unhealthy restaurant dishes were from The Cheesecake Factory. The Cheesecake Factory? It’s always the last place you’d expect.” -Jay Leno

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When I was young I wanted to go to medical school, but I didn’t pass the entrance exam.
One of the questions was “Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect.”
 
Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors… The rest ended up in Congress.

 

 

How about a brand new batch of Dear (blank), Sincerely (blank)?

Centraal Beheer is an insurance company from Apeldoorn, Netherlands, which has received numerous awards for its commercials.

Here’s one:

https://www.youtube.com/v/IQfZY5rvXX0%26rel=0%26hl=en_US%26feature=player_embedded%26version=3

 

We are going to end today’s episode with something different.  We’re not going to use the Last Word to rant or bitch or point out something that you should be ranting or bitching about.  Nope.  Today, we’re going to close out our issue with cute.  Pure and simple.  And what could possibly be cuter than babies?

Okay, now I KNOW you are smiling right now.  Who wouldn’t be?  Isn’t a smile a great way to start your weekend?  Now, go take that smile and pass it on to as many other people as you possibly can.  And we’ll meet back here next week for another great dose of Dragon laffs! 

Cheers my friends and fellow campers!

Impish Dragon

 

 Well Phil the groundhog didn’t see his shadow and as a result we’re supposed to have an early spring. However judging by the weather some of you are having of late and the fact that it was so bright out here on Friday that I needed a cover and sunglasses just  to be able to see going back and forth to the dumpster, my personal belief is that its more likely Phil just  misplaced his shadow in his den while hibernating.

Then again maybe he did it deliberately just to mess with those Groundhoggian people. I mean seriously folks, can you imagine? You get up in the middle of your long winter’s nap to answer a call of nature and get a drink because it your mouth tastes like some passing gopher used it for a litter box and suddenly BAM!

You get dragged from your burrow, held up in your holey furry under things IN THE FRIGGING COLD and waved around like some holy icon at a crowd of whack jobs who are carrying on and scaring the crap out of you in your half awake stupor. I mean SERIOUSLY wouldn’t you tell them what ever they wanted to hear so they’d put you back in your warm burrow and let you get back to sleep? I bet Phil is thinking ‘I’d like to see them try this crap with a honey badger!’

Friday also brought me quite a surprise, Molly came home with a Post Office Pink slip. No, she didn’t get fired from the laziest job in the world. Post Office pink slips mean there is a package waiting for us in our complexes’ property management office because it wouldn’t fit in our box.

This was a surprise and a mystery to me because I had not ordered anything and wasn’t aware that any of my friends and relatives had shipped me anything either. I knew it couldn’t be work related because all that sort of thing moves by UPS or Fed-X where they still actually come to your door like you pay them to.

  I was very surprised when we got the box on Saturday morning as will you be when we get back to this subject in a  few minutes, but for now let’s get the ball rolling shall we?

 

THE ORIGINAL SIN

NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU TRY, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE CAN TOP THIS…

During a trip from California to Indiana, it didn’t help that Impish’s connecting flight from Denver was delayed twice because of mechanical problems. Then, after they were aloft, Impish noticed the lights began flickering. He mentioned this to a flight attendant.
“I’ll take care of it,” she said. Moments later the lights went out. Clearly she had solved the problem by turning off all the lights.
A passenger across the aisle who had been watching leaned over and said, “Whatever you do, please don’t ask about the engines”

They Apparently Live Among Us Even Down Under!

‘Prepare to die’ shirt ‘intimidates’ airline passengers

Man ultimately allowed to wear shirt with ‘Princess Bride’ quote

Published On: Jan 25 2013 09:46:13 AM CST Updated On: Jan 25 2013 10:39:44 AM CST

Let this be a lesson to fans of cult classic movies: If you wish to wear a shirt sporting one of the most famous quotes from a film, not everyone will get it.

On Sunday evening, New Zealand man Wynand Mullins boarded a Qantas flight in Australia wearing a shirt featuring a quote from “The Princess Bride,” according to New Zealand’s Stuff magazine. The shirt had a large nametag that read: “Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Before the plane took off, a flight attendant approached Mullins and asked him to take the shirt off “because some of the passengers are quite intimidated by it,” Mullins told Stuff.

Since Mullins didn’t have another shirt with him, he said he would be happy to change if the airline found him something else to wear.

“The thought did cross my mind that it would either be a blanket or the pilot’s jacket,” he told the National Business Review.

But instead of returning with a new shirt, the flight attendant dropped the matter.

A few passengers may have been uncomfortable, but Mullins wasn’t the only one to find the situation a bit extreme.

“I thought it was all a bit silly. The person next to me was laughing, because they knew the movie,” he told Stuff.

Kids Say the Darnedest Things

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand. The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough from their laughter for the worship service to be continued.

 

 

Some time shortly after Thanksgiving I think, Impish crowed and posted photos of a wood carving of his blog icon done by his Dad, whom I’ll refer to as “Poppa Dragon”. Well it was a nice enough rendition that I broke a commandment and coveted my neighbor’s goods. It was just that well done

In a nasally New York/New Jersey Jewish American Princess whine that had the producers of Jersey Shore asking if I wanted to be considered for voiceovers, I cried about the inequity of it all and wanted to know where mine was. I did it primarily because I knew Impish would get a laugh out of it.

I never expected to open a box from Poppa Dragon today and find THIS inside:

 

My very own carving of my favorite subject…ME!

Not only that but I won Second Place, Masters Division in the Florida Winter National Wood Art Expo and Competition!

{From where I sit this proves beyond ANY debate I’m cuter than Impish as I won a prize!}

 

Personally as I told Poppa Dragon, I think he was robbed on the Judging! Just look at the level of detail and how well he captured my likeness!

Ok, I’m ready for my iPhone close up Mr. DeMille!

As I have told both Poppa Dragon & Impish, I have been doing the blog going on 3 years now and help out in several other groups on line as a Moderator or major contributor and in some cases both. In the 10 years or so I have been doing this stuff this is only the second act of generosity I have experienced. Recently in a book sharing group someone resorted to buying me a eBook because they felt bad that after all the hard and rare books I had located for everyone else nobody could find or had the single remaining book I was looking for in a series as I am know for preferring to wait until I completely collect a series before reading it so I can go start to finish.

While a very nice gesture by someone and muchly appreciated, it cannot even begin to hold a candle to this act of largess. I cannot even begin to imagine the amount to time and patience that went into making less much less the level of skill and craftsmanship. The detail is amazing right down to the pipe having an actual bowl  in it filled with a red glowing dottle of pipe tobacco,  the hollow gun barrel and the raised buttons on the coat sleeves. Truly an unbelievable example of the woodcarvers art.

I do not know what else to say about this, except that it left me near to speechless, which is something both Molly & Impish will attest is a very difficult thing to achieve.

Thank You once again Poppa Dragon, This will always have a place of honor in my home office.

(I’m not sure which disturbs me more about that picture, that Seri understands Furbish, or that a Furby has a better iPhone than I do!)

Thinking about buying a new computer with that tax refund check? Here’s something else to keep in mind when shopping.

Rescuecom’s  2012 Computer Reliability Report

Lenovo Most Reliable, Acer Least Reliable, Apple Markedly Declined

Rescuecom’s influential annual reliability report rates Lenovo/IBM computers as by far the most reliable.

Of 9 computer manufacturers, Acer placed 9th, followed by Sony at 8th, and Dell at seventh.

HP was rated number six, Asus as fifth and Apple was in fourth place.

Samsung was in third place while Toshiba came in second place.

“Entering 2012, Lenovo/IBM’s rise in reliability will be an important boost for the company.  Although Apple’s market share has risen over the last 12 months, its reliability has declined. The comparatively smaller Toshiba and Samsung are illustrating interesting reliability trends worth watching over the coming year,” stated David Milman, CEO of RESCUECOM.

For 2012, Rescuecom now includes all manufacturers with a market share of at least above one percent in this report.

The computer reliability report scores for 2012 are:
1. Lenovo/IBM (281)
2. Toshiba (190)
3. Samsung (156)
4. Apple (151)
5. Asus (126)
6. HP/Compaq (100)
7. Dell (68)
8. Sony (64)
9. Acer (40)

How the report was compiled:

The Rescuecom Computer Reliability Report is a factual, unbiased review of today’s personal computer manufacturers.  Rescuecom defines reliability as the physical reliability of the computers plus the after the sale computer support of the manufacturers.

The Rescuecom Computer Repair Share Score is calculated by taking the U.S. Computer Market Share of the manufacturer, dividing it by the percentage of calls Rescuecom receives for service of the manufacturers and multiplying by 100.

By considering the number of service calls as a function of each manufacturer’s market strength, Rescuecom is able to determine and score the reliability of computer manufacturers.
In analyzing the computer reliability scores for 2012, RESCUECOM sees the market making important shifts.

It will be worth watching Samsung to see if they can maintain reliability as their market share continues its ascent.  Over the years Lenovo/IBM has performed well on the Rescuecom reliability report, while Dell, HP and Acer have suffered declines.

About RESCUECOM:
RESCUECOM provides computer repair and computer support, 24/7: Meeting every tech support need including data recovery, virus removal, networking, wireless services, and computer support for all brands of hardware and software.

 

Sweet! It has to be true- I saw it on the Internet!

 

Sexual Harassment

Every day, a male employee walks up very close to a female co-worker at the coffee machine.

He stops, inhales quite deeply, and says that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, the woman can’t stand it anymore.

She takes her issue to a supervisor in Human Resources and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against the guy.

The supervisor is puzzled and asks, “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

“It’s Frank. The midget.”

19 Ways The Government is Watching You

January 10, 2013 | http://www.mrconservative.com/2013/01/3412-19-ways-govt-watches-us/

The following are 19 signs that America is being systematically transformed into a giant surveillance grid….

#1 New Software That Will Store And Analyze Millions Of Our Voices

Did you know that there is software that can positively identify you using your voice in just a matter of seconds?

Law enforcement authorities all over the U.S. are very eager to begin using new Russian software that will enable them to store and analyze millions of voices….

‘Voice Grid Nation’ is a system that uses advanced algorithms to match identities to voices. Brought to the US by Russia’s Speech Technology Center, it claims to be capable of allowing police, federal agencies and other law enforcement personnel to build up a huge database containing up to several million voices.

When authorities intercept a call they’ve deemed ‘hinky’, the recording is entered into the VoiceGrid program, which (probably) buzzes and whirrs and spits out a match. In five seconds, the program can scan through 10,000 voices, and it only needs 3 seconds for speech analysis. All that, combined with 100 simultaneous searches and the storage capacity of 2 million samples, gives SpeechPro, as the company is known in the US, the right to claim a 90% success rate.

#2 Unmanned Aerial Drones Will Be Used Inside The U.S. To Spy On You

Unmanned aerial drones have been used with great success by the U.S. military overseas, and now the U.S. government is promoting their use to local law enforcement authorities all over America.

The following is from a recent GAO report….

“Domestically, state and local law enforcement entities represent the greatest potential users of small UAS [unmanned aircraft systems] in the near term because they can offer a simple and cost effective solution for airborne law enforcement activities”

That report also discussed how there are 146 different models of these drones made by 69 different companies throughout the United States….

“According to an industry trade group, local law enforcement can potentially choose from about 146 different types of small UAS being manufactured by about 69 different companies in the U.S.”

Since our overseas wars are slowing down, somebody has got to keep these drone companies in business.

So the goal is to eventually have thousands of these drones spying on all of us.

In the years ahead, our skies will likely be filled with these things. Many of them are incredibly quiet and can gather information about you from far above. In fact, one could be directly over your home right now and you may never even know it.

In fact, the U.S. government is already using some of these unmanned drones to quietly spy on farmers in Nebraska and Iowa according to a recent article by Kurt Nimmo….

Obama’s Environmental Protection Agency is using aerial drones to spy on farmers in Nebraska and Iowa. The surveillance came under scrutiny last week when Nebraska’s congressional delegation sent a joint letter to EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson.

On Friday, EPA officialdom in “Region 7” responded to the letter.

“Courts, including the Supreme Court, have found similar types of flights to be legal (for example to take aerial photographs of a chemical manufacturing facility) and EPA would use such flights in appropriate instances to protect people and the environment from violations of the Clean Water Act,” the agency said in response to the letter.

#3 High Tech Government Scanners That Can Secretly Scan You From 164 Feet Away

A new scanner that has just been developed can scan your body, your clothes and your luggage from 164 feet away.

According to Gizmodo, these very creepy scanners will soon be used at airports and border crossings all over America….

Within the next year or two, the U.S. Department of Homeland Security will instantly know everything about your body, clothes, and luggage with a new laser-based molecular scanner fired from 164 feet (50 meters) away. From traces of drugs or gun powder on your clothes to what you had for breakfast to the adrenaline level in your body—agents will be able to get any information they want without even touching you.

And without you knowing it.

The technology is so incredibly effective that, in November 2011, its inventors were subcontracted by In-Q-Tel to work with the US Department of Homeland Security. In-Q-Tel is a company founded “in February 1999 by a group of private citizens at the request of the Director of the CIA and with the support of the U.S. Congress.” According to In-Q-Tel, they are the bridge between the Agency and new technology companies.

Their plan is to install this molecular-level scanning in airports and border crossings all across the United States.

#4 The DNA Of Newborn Babies Born All Over The United States Is Systematically Collected

These days, the invasion of our privacy begins just after birth.

Did you know that the DNA of almost every newborn baby in the United States is systematically collected and stored in databases? Unfortunately, most new parents don’t even realize what medical personnel are doing when this takes place….

The DNA of virtually every newborn in the United States is collected and tested soon after birth. There are some good reasons for this testing, but it also raises serious privacy concerns that parents should know about.

States require hospitals to screen newborns for certain genetic and other disorders. Many states view the testing as so important they do not require medical personnel to get parents’ express permission before carrying it out. To collect the DNA sample, medical personnel prick the newborn’s heel and place a few drops of blood on a card. There is one question that new parents rarely ask: What happens to the blood spots after the testing is done? This is where newborn screening becomes problematic.

#5 Twitter Is Being Used To Monitor You

Hopefully you understand by now that nothing you do on the Internet will ever be private again.

According to a recent article by Susanne Posel, Twitter is being used as a law enforcement tool more than it ever has been before….

Twitter has released a report confirming that the US government leads the world in requesting information on their citizens. The Transparency Report shows the US government has made requests that are infringing on American privacy rights. Twitter states that “we’ve received more government requests in the first half of 2012, as outlined in this initial dataset, than in the entirety of 2011.”

6 Your Cell Phone Is Spying On You

If you want to have no privacy whatsoever, own a cell phone and carry it around with you constantly.

Your cell phone is constantly tracking everywhere that you go and it is constantly making a record of everything that you do with it.

For example, did you know that authorities are using cell phones to record the identities of people that attend street protests?

The following is what one private investigator recently told a stunned audience….

One of the biggest changes is the ability to track your physical location. I’m sorry I came in at the end of the previous talk. I heard them talk about surveying cell phones with a drone, in a wide area — this is something that is done routinely now. I can tell you that everybody that attended an Occupy Wall Street protest, and didn’t turn their cell phone off, or put it — and sometimes even if they did — the identity of that cell phone has been logged, and everybody who was at that demonstration, whether they were arrested, not arrested, whether their photos were ID’d, whether an informant pointed them out, it’s known they were there anyway. This is routine.

At this point, law enforcement authorities are requesting information from cell phone companies about individual Americans over a million times a year as a recent Wired article detailed….

Mobile carriers responded to a staggering 1.3 million law enforcement requests last year for subscriber information, including text messages and phone location data, according to data provided to Congress.

#7 Students Are Increasingly Being Tracked By RFID Microchips

RFID microchips are increasingly becoming a part of our every day lives. In fact, some school districts are now using them to track school attendance. Just check out what is happening in one school district down in Texas….

Northside Independent School District plans to track students next year on two of its campuses using technology implanted in their student identification cards in a trial that could eventually include all 112 of its schools and all of its nearly 100,000 students.

District officials said the Radio Frequency Identification System (RFID) tags would improve safety by allowing them to locate students — and count them more accurately at the beginning of the school day to help offset cuts in state funding, which is partly based on attendance.

#8 Spy Cams In Hospitals To Monitor Hand washing

Would you want a surveillance camera watching you in the restroom?

Don’t laugh – this is actually happening in some places. The following is from a recent Natural News article….

Here goes the last great American sanctuary from intrusion- bathrooms with spy cams. Going to the bathroom has now been monitored in a hospital in NY where sensors were placed on the doors to identify workers entering and exiting and cameras placed to view sinks to insure proper hand hygiene.

#9 Spyware That Monitors The Behavior Of Government Workers

According to the Washington Post, the federal government is now actually using advanced spyware to closely monitor the behavior of some government employees while they are at work….

When the Food and Drug Administration started spying on a group of agency scientists, it installed monitoring software on their laptop computers to capture their communications.

The software, sold by SpectorSoft of Vero Beach, Fla., could do more than vacuum up the scientists’ e-mails as they complained to lawmakers and others about medical devices they thought were dangerous. It could be programmed to intercept a tweet or Facebook post. It could snap screen shots of their computers. It could even track an employee’s keystrokes, retrieve files from hard drives or search for keywords.

#10 The NSA Warrantless Surveillance Programs

Virtually every single electronic communication in the world (including all phone calls, all faxes, and all emails) is intercepted and recorded by an international surveillance network run by the NSA and several other large international intelligence agencies.

For a long time this was an “open secret” that everyone kind of knew about but that nobody ever did anything about.

Fortunately, the Electronic Frontier Foundation is now fighting back, and they have three former NSA employees on their side….

Three whistleblowers – all former employees of the National Security Agency (NSA) – have come forward to give evidence in the Electronic Frontier Foundation’s (EFF’s) lawsuit against the government’s illegal mass surveillance program, Jewel v. NSA.

In a motion filed today, the three former intelligence analysts confirm that the NSA has, or is in the process of obtaining, the capability to seize and store most electronic communications passing through its U.S. intercept centers, such as the “secret room” at the AT&T facility in San Francisco first disclosed by retired AT&T technician Mark Klein in early 2006.

“For years, government lawyers have been arguing that our case is too secret for the courts to consider, despite the mounting confirmation of widespread mass illegal surveillance of ordinary people,” said EFF Legal Director Cindy Cohn. “Now we have three former NSA officials confirming the basic facts. Neither the Constitution nor federal law allow the government to collect massive amounts of communications and data of innocent Americans and fish around in it in case it might find something interesting. This kind of power is too easily abused. We’re extremely pleased that more whistleblowers have come forward to help end this massive spying program.”

According to one of the whistleblowers, the NSA “has the capability to do individualized searches, similar to Google, for particular electronic communications in real time through such criteria as target addresses, locations, countries and phone numbers, as well as watch-listed names, keywords, and phrases in email.”

I’ll give you time to digest this half and the remainder next week. Mean time remember Big Brother is watching you!

First Date conversation….

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3 six packs

Lady: How much for a six pack

Man: about $10.00

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So 1 six pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 six packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162.000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn’t drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari!

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No!

Man: Then where’s your fucking Ferrari?

‘nuff said right there!

Lead me not into temptation but deliver…Aww who the hell am I trying to kid? Follow my lead lads and lasses I know a bloody short cut!

A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That’s a disgrace,” said the priest. “Especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

Happy Ending Massage

 

Wow, is Chicago great or what?

Perhaps the U.S. should pull out of Chicago?

Body count: In the last six months 292 killed (murdered) in Chicago.

221 killed in Iraq AND Chicago has one of the strictest gun laws in the entire US. [Choke on that Liberals!]

President: Barack Hussein Obama

Senator: Dick Durbin

House Representative: Jesse Jackson Jr.

Governor: Pat Quinn

House leader: Mike Madigan

Atty. Gen.: Lisa Madigan (daughter of Mike)

Mayor: Rahm Emanuel

The leadership in Illinois – all Democrats.

Thank you for the combat zone in Chicago .

Of course, they’re all blaming each other.

Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

Chicago school system rated one of the worst in the country.

Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

State pension fund $78 Billion in debt, worst in country.

Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

Cook County ( Chicago ) sales tax 10.25% highest in country.

Can’t blame Republicans; there aren’t any!

This is the political culture that Obama comes from in Illinois.

And he is going to ‘fix’ Washington politics for us???

George Ryan is no longer Governor, he is in the big house. Of course he was replaced by Rod Blajegovitch who is…that’s right, also in the big house. And Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. resigned a couple of weeks ago. That is because he is fighting being sent to…that’s right, the big house.

The Land of Lincoln, where our governors make our license plates.

But you know what? As long as they keep providing entitlements to the population of Chicago, nothing is going to change, except the state will go broke before the country does.

 

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A curious woman walks by asks what they were doing.
“Ve’re supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, “said Sven, “but ve don’t haff a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty-one feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!”
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

This is incredible…. YOU WONT BELIEVE THIS ….

See if you can do this accurately.

Read all the Numbers slowly and in Order
Be Careful not to MISS ANY

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19
20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27
28 29 30

Scroll down ………………………

 

 

It’s so easy to amuse you readers!

NEXT WEEK  I’LL SEND YOU THE ABC’s

TRUE DAT!

Bold Italic emphasis is mine & the green text are my editorial comments.

Gun Laws and the Fools of Chelm^†

Jan 29, 2013 12:00 AM EST

The individual is not only best qualified to provide his own personal defense, he is the only one qualified to do so. By David Mamet

^{† A city in eastern Poland.}

Karl Marx summed up Communism as “from each according to his ability, to each according to his needs.” This is a good, pithy saying, which, in practice, has succeeded in bringing, upon those under its sway, misery, poverty, rape, torture, slavery, and death.

‘In announcing his gun control proposals, President Obama said that he was not restricting Second Amendment rights, but allowing other constitutional rights to flourish.’

For the saying implies but does not name the effective agency of its supposed utopia. The agency is called “The State,” and the motto, fleshed out, for the benefit of the easily confused must read “The State will take from each according to his ability: the State will give to each according to his needs.” “Needs and abilities” are, of course, subjective. So the operative statement may be reduced to “the State shall take, the State shall give.”

All of us have had dealings with the State, and have found, to our chagrin, or, indeed, terror, that we were not dealing with well-meaning public servants or even with ideologues but with overworked, harried bureaucrats. These, as all bureaucrats, obtain and hold their jobs by complying with directions and suppressing the desire to employ initiative, compassion, or indeed, common sense. They are paid to follow orders.

Rule by bureaucrats and functionaries is an example of the first part of the Marxist equation: that the Government shall determine the individual’s abilities.

As rules by the Government are one-size-fits-all, any governmental determination of an individual’s abilities must be based on a bureaucratic assessment of the lowest possible denominator. The government, for example, has determined that black people (somehow) have fewer abilities than white people, and, so, must be given certain preferences. Anyone acquainted with both black and white people knows this assessment is not only absurd but monstrous. And yet it is the law.

President Obama, in his reelection campaign, referred frequently to the “needs” of himself and his opponent, alleging that each has more money than he “needs.”

But where in the Constitution is it written that the Government is in charge of determining “needs”? And note that the president did not say “I have more money than I need,” but “You and I have more than we need.” Who elected him to speak for another citizen?

It is not the constitutional prerogative of the Government to determine needs. One person may need (or want) more leisure, another more work; one more adventure, another more security, and so on. It is this diversity that makes a country, indeed a state, a city, a church, or a family, healthy. “One-size-fits-all,” and that size determined by the State has a name, and that name is “slavery.”

The Founding Fathers, far from being ideologues, were not even politicians. They were an assortment of businessmen, writers, teachers, planters; men, in short, who knew something of the world, which is to say, of Human Nature. Their struggle to draft a set of rules acceptable to each other was based on the assumption that we human beings, in the mass, are no damned good—that we are biddable, easily confused, and that we may easily be motivated by a Politician, which is to say, a huckster, mounting a soapbox and inflaming our passions.

The Constitution’s drafters did not require a wag to teach them that power corrupts: they had experienced it in the person of King George. The American secession was announced by reference to his abuses of power: “He has obstructed the administration of Justice … he has made Judges dependant on his will alone … He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution, and unacknowledged by our Laws … He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass out people and to eat out their substance … imposed taxes upon us without our consent… [He has] fundamentally altered the forms of our government.”

Who threatens American society most: law-abiding citizens or criminals? (Matt Rourke/AP)

This is a chillingly familiar set of grievances; and its recrudescence was foreseen by the Founders. They realized that King George was not an individual case, but the inevitable outcome of unfettered power; that any person or group with the power to tax, to form laws, and to enforce them by arms will default to dictatorship, absent the constant unflagging scrutiny of the governed, and their severe untempered insistence upon compliance with law.

The Founders recognized that Government is quite literally a necessary evil, that there must be opposition, between its various branches, and between political parties, for these are the only ways to temper the individual’s greed for power and the electorates’ desires for peace by submission to coercion or blandishment.

The founding fathers also well understood that a well armed populace not only provided for each others protection from invasion but from their government as well. As long as that populace is armed that Government should (in theory) be one “for the people by the people and of the people’ doing the will of the people for the common good of those people. Granted professional politicians (something the founding fathers never envisioned at all) have screwed this up to a degree.

Healthy government, as that based upon our Constitution, is strife. It awakens anxiety, passion, fervor, and, indeed, hatred and chicanery, both in pursuit of private gain and of public good. Those who promise to relieve us of the burden through their personal or ideological excellence, those who claim to hold the Magic Beans, are simply confidence men. Their emergence is inevitable, and our individual opposition to and rejection of them, as they emerge, must be blunt and sure; if they are arrogant, willful, duplicitous, or simply wrong, they must be replaced, else they will consolidate power, and use the treasury to buy votes, and deprive us of our liberties. It was to guard us against this inevitable decay of government that the Constitution was written. Its purpose was and is not to enthrone a Government superior to an imperfect and confused electorate, but to protect us from such a government.

Many are opposed to private ownership of firearms, and their opposition comes under several heads. Their specific objections are answerable retail, but a wholesale response is that the Second Amendment guarantees the right of the citizens to keep and bear arms. On a lower level of abstraction, there are more than 2 million instances a year of the armed citizen deterring or stopping armed criminals; a number four times that of all crimes involving firearms.

Of course the liberal lame stream media is loathe to cover this because (aside from their liberal owners having fits if they did) due to such ‘news’ undermining their beloved Democratic platform it might encourage vigilantism, which is to say it might give someone else the confidence to act in the same manner in the same situation and we cannot have THAT happening!)IF that got around MORE people might buy guns and crime levels might drop more. Then guns would be harder to get out of the hands of We the People so they can shove Socialism down our throats while simultaneously empting our wallets and giving our hard earned money legally to the people who were robbing us at gun point in the first damned place!

The Left loves a phantom statistic that a firearm in the hands of a citizen is X times more likely to cause accidental damage than to be used in the prevention of crime, but what is there about criminals that ensures that their gun use is accident-free? If, indeed, a firearm were more dangerous to its possessors than to potential aggressors, would it not make sense for the government to arm all criminals, and let them accidentally shoot themselves? Is this absurd? Yes, and yet the government, of course, is arming criminals.

No they’re not? Oh really? Then explain for example ‘Fast & Furious’ for me please! 

Violence by firearms is most prevalent in big cities with the strictest gun laws. In Chicago and Washington, D.C., for example, it is only the criminals who have guns, the law-abiding populace having been disarmed, and so crime runs riot.

Cities of similar size in Texas, Florida, Arizona, and elsewhere, which leave the citizen the right to keep and bear arms, guaranteed in the Constitution, typically are much safer. More legal guns equal less crime. What criminal would be foolish enough to rob a gun store? But the government alleges that the citizen does not need this or that gun, number of guns, or amount of ammunition.

Forsworn is Forewarned Liberals!

You can have all mine right after you shovel your way through the pile of spent brass to get to my dead body and pry them out of my hands.

Fair Warning Has Been Given!

You come for my guns, I’ll be gunning for you.

Good Morning Campers!  This has been one ridiculous week weather-wise.  61º F on Monday, beautiful day.  By Friday, wind-chill of -20ºF.  That’s a difference of 81º.
Gee, I wonder why everyone is sick?
I just don’t understand.

Former Mayor of New York, Ed Koch dies at 88.
You either loved him or hated him, but everyone will admit he was one hell of a memorable mayor.  Ed, you will be missed.

The Superbowl is tomorrow.  I suppose if you are a Baltimore or San Fran fan, it will be an exciting time.  However…. well… check out today’s Last Word for another side of the Superbowl.

Now, let’s get into today’s issue and …

I remember my dad saying,

‘Well, that’s the last fucking thing we needed.’”

Some REALLY interesting information here!  Very surprising.

A nice welcome back our Pun Queen: Diaman!  Hi ya #1!

PIMP: A crack salesman; a nookie bookie.

The Top Ten Country & Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I’ve Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman. But I Woke Up With a Few.,
8. If The Phone Don’t Ring … You’ll Know It’s Me.
7. I’ve Missed You ……. But, My Aim’s Improvin.
6. I wouldn’t Take Her To A Dogfight, Cause I’m Scared She’d Win.
5. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like You’re Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Still Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring, and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She’s Lookin’ Better with Every Glass Of Beer.

And The Number One Country & Western Song Is ..
1. It’s Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day.

Fishing is a lot like dating – some you throw back, some you keep, some you mount and some you eat

Yeah, I’m “Tusky”, too!

Here’s one that ought to scare the hell out of all of us AND our government:

NY Times says Chinese hacked its computers over story on top Communist leader’s wealth

Chinese hackers repeatedly penetrated The New York Times’ computer systems over the past four months, stealing reporters’ passwords and hunting for files on an investigation into the wealth amassed by the family of a top Chinese leader, the newspaper reported Thursday.  For more on this story follow the link below!

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/world/2013/01/31/new-york-times-say-its-computer-networks-were-repeatedly-hacked-by-chinese/#ixzz2JapO1di9

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For several years now, there has been a stir around Superbowl time about Madden Football predicting the outcome of the games.  For those of you who don’t know (and I can’t imagine there are that many of you) Madden NFL 2003 through 2013 is a video game that uses all available information to give the most realistic game play year after year.  Anyway, since 2004, they have run a simulation of the Superbowl using the latest game in the series and announced the result.  They have successfully predicted the last 7 out of the 9 Superbowls.  Of the two that he got wrong, they involved wildcard teams winning the Superbowl.

Here’s a quick summary of the games and the predictions:

• 2004: Patriots 23, Panthers 20 (Actual score: Patriots 32, Panthers 29)
• 2005: Patriots 47, Eagles 31 (Actual score: Patriots 24, Eagles 21)
• 2006: Steelers 24, Seahawks 19 (Actual score: Steelers 21, Seahawks 10)
• 2007: Colts 38, Bears 27 (Actual score: Colts 29, Bears 17)
• 2008: Patriots 38, Giants 30 (Actual score: Giants 17, Patriots 14)
• 2009: Steelers 28, Cardinals 24 (Actual score: Steelers 27, Cardinals 23)
• 2010: Saints 35, Colts 31 (Actual score: Saints 31, Colts 17)
• 2011: Steelers 24, Packers 20 (Actual score: Packers 31, Steelers 25)
• 2012: Giants 27, Patriots 24  (Actual score: Giants 21, Patriots 17)

And what prediction do they make for tomorrow’s game?  Well, how about we look at some of  the other people’s predictions and Vegas odds.
The San Francisco 49ers are favored to win their sixth Super Bowl title by 3½ points over the Baltimore Ravens, according to the folks over at Odds Shark.
From the Betvega website:

49ERS – RAVENS 2013 SUPER BOWL BETTING LINE:

OPEN: 49ERS -5.5 | CURRENT: 49ERS -3.5 | O/U: 48

And what does the Madden NFL game predict?

2013: Ravens 27, 49ers 24

And according to some that I’ve talked to, Why should we even bother watching if we already know the answer?  Well, as you can see, there are some differing opinions as to who is going to win.  But, what if you really aren’t interested in watching, either for the game or for the commercials?  Here’s an alternate that has the DL&LL Electronic Media LLP stamp of approval.

2013 Puppy Bowl

The ninth annual 2013 Puppy Bowl will again air before the 2013 Super Bowl.

Check out the cuteness on Animal Planet at 2 p.m. The Puppy Bowl will air between 2 to 4 p.m. The Super Bowl begins on CBS at 5:30 p.m., with preview coverage starting at 1 p.m.

New this year: hedgehog cheerleaders, the super-slow Cute Cam and a puppy hot tub for the athletes to rest their sore muscles. Make sure to watch the Kitty Halftime Show. 

Check out a Puppy Bowl 2013 Preview from Midwest Sports Fans.
And to get you started, here’s some video from a previous year’s puppybowl:

Well campers, whatever you do and whatever you watch, please be sure to do so safely and with much happiness and cheer.  Please have a designated driver for any of you planning on having alcohol or other adult imbibes.  We want you all to come home safe and sound to the campground.  Thanks for being here and thanks for taking the time to read our offerings.  Please feel free to leave comments and remarks.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Our banner once again this Wednesday is in honor of an upcoming Friday  event observance. This Friday is the day usually chosen to celebrate Imbolc, also called La Fheile Bride (Breed) in Gaelic, or Brighid’s Day- one of the four major holidays of the Celtic Wheel of the Year.

In Christianity it also marks the observance of Candlemas Hence it’s inclusion on the wheel above.

The fourth aspect of the wheel probably should bear a legend as well…Groundhog Day 

We’ll be discussing these event in further detail in a few minutes but for now if everyone is seated and comfy…

 

Lethal Leprechaun was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started
to breast feed her baby.

The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on, eat it all up or … I’ll have to give it to this nice man here.”

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice
man here.”

A few minutes later, the Lethal blurted out, “Begorrah boy-o. Make up your bloody mind!
’Tis four stops ago I was ta get off now!”

 

Imbolc, Imbolg [ˈɪmbəlk ˈɪmbəʊlk ˈɪmməlk] n. [from Old Irish oimelc ewe’s milk]

Is an ancient Celtic festival associated with the goddess Brigit, held on the first cross-quarter day following Midwinter, (Feb. 1st or 2nd) this traditionally marks winter’s end and spring’s start. It is time for purification and spring cleaning in anticipation of the year’s new life. It was historically a shepherd’s holiday and among Celts associated with the onset of ewes’ lactation, prior to birthing the spring lambs

The festival is strongly associated with Brigid, daughter of The Dagda and one of the Tuatha Dé Danann.

The festival was observed in Gaelic Ireland, the Scottish Highlands and the Isle of Man during the Middle Ages. Reference to Imbolc is made in Irish mythology, in the Tochmarc Emire of the Ulster Cycle. Imbolc was one of the four cross-quarter days referred to in Irish mythology, the others being Beltane, Lughnasadh and Samhain.^[4] It has been suggested that it was originally a pagan festival associated with the goddess Brighid and that it was Christianized as a festival of Saint Brighid, with whom she is said to share many traits

Of course, as usual, the Catholic Church had to come in, stomp all over the holiday, claim the date as significant to them and re-invent the whole reason for the celebration by stealing and twisting the name of the goddess as well as the idea and meaning in the process to insure they ruthlessly rooted out the old ways. You might now know this holiday by its ‘Christian name’…Candlemass or more commonly ‘The Blessing of the Candles’.

Candlemass or Candelaria on February 2nd

The date of February 2nd places the Candelaria celebration forty days after Christmas and continues the religious cycle that leads up to Easter Sunday. Additionally, it is also the mid-point between the Winter Solstice and the Spring Equinox, which is the basis for various ancient European celebrations that commemorate the annual beginnings of the agricultural season.

History of Candlemass

The celebration of Candlemass originated in the late fifth century as a tribute to the light of God’s glory that was manifested in Christ Jesus. The earliest known observance within the Church was in the year AD 496, during the time of Pope Gelasius. In AD 542 the Emperor Justinian ordained that the Eastern Church celebrate the festival, which he called Hypapante, or “Meeting”. The name was derived from the Gospel of Luke 2:22-40, wherein Simeon the priest and Anna the prophetess met the infant Jesus in the temple at the time of his consecration. Simeon’s prophecy declared Jesus to be the Lord’s salvation and “a light for revelation to the Gentiles and for glory to your people Israel.” This passage continues to be the focus of the celebration.
During Candelaria, candles are blessed, lit, and borne in a procession in celebration to Jesus being the light of the world. In AD 638, Sophronius, Patriarch of Jerusalem, proclaimed the importance of the celebration in his sermon to the church, stating: “Our bright shining candles are a sign of divine splendor of the one who comes to expel the dark shadows of evil and to make the whole universe radiant with the brilliance of his eternal light. Our candles also show how bright our souls should be when we go to meet Christ.” The candles are generally considered to represent the inner light of Christ, which he brought to share with the world.

Those of you who are not lucky enough to be Irish and do not practice Catholicism or observe a version of it which does not place as much religious significance on the date will know this day by a third name…Groundhog Day.

Groundhog Day (Pennsylvania German: Grundsaudaag, Murmeltiertag) is a day celebrated on February 2. According to folklore, if it is cloudy when a groundhog emerges from its burrow on this day, then spring will come early; if it is sunny, the groundhog will supposedly see its shadow and retreat back into its burrow, and the winter weather will continue for six more weeks.

1887: The first Groundhog Day is observed in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, where crowds as large as 40,000 have gathered to celebrate the holiday ever since. The tradition can actually be traced back to Pennsylvania’s earliest settlers, who brought with them the legend of Candlemas Day, which states, “For as the sun shines on Candlemas Day, so far will the snow swirl in May.”

Punxsutawney Phil Sowerby is a groundhog resident of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. On February 2 (Groundhog Day) of each year, the town of Punxsutawney celebrates the beloved groundhog with a festive atmosphere of music and food. During the ceremony, which begins well before the winter sunrise, Phil emerges from his temporary home on Gobbler’s Knob, located in a rural area about 2 miles (3.2 km) east of town. According to the tradition, if Phil sees his shadow and returns to his hole, he has predicted six more weeks of winter-like weather. If Phil does not see his shadow, he has predicted an “early spring.”^[1] The date of Phil’s prognostication is known as Groundhog Day in the United States and Canada. He is considered to be the world’s most famous prognosticating rodent. During the rest of the year, Phil lives in the town library with his “wife” Phyllis.

A select group, called the Inner Circle, takes care of Phil year-round and also plans the annual ceremony. Members of the Inner Circle are recognizable by their top hats and tuxedos.

Zoological data suggest that groundhogs have an average lifespan of ten years in captivity and six years in the wild, with a maximum lifespan of 14 years in captivity documented. Punxsutawney Phil fans say that there is only one Phil (all the other groundhog weathermen are imposters), and that he has made weather prognostications for over 123 years as of 2013. They say that every summer, Phil is given a sip of the mysterious Groundhog Elixir, which magically lengthens his life for seven years. This is done by Inner Circle members. According to the Groundhog Club, Phil, after making the prediction, speaks to the Club President in “Groundhogese,” which only the current president can understand, and then his prediction is translated for the entire world.

The Groundhog Day celebration is rooted in a Celtic tradition that says if a hibernating animal casts a shadow on Feb. 2, the Pagan holiday of Imbolc, winter will last another six weeks. If no shadow was seen, legend says spring would come early.

Did you notice? Yet again with the ‘rooted in a Celtic tradition’ attribution! We should start charging all of you for swiping our heritage and holidays! What do you have to say about that Phil?

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you’re screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying “congrats”.

But, none of them come and touch the man’s penis and say “Good job”.

Moral of the story: “Hard work is never appreciated.

 

This year WordPress has given us a “Year in Review” type report of the blog for 2012. Since Impish keeps forgetting to include this (who wouldn’t with how much he has on how little mind) I decided to do his heavy lifting/grunt work yet again and  give you a few of the highlights from that report.

Much to our chagrin that 5600+ day was a fluke where a comment I made in the course of the blog happen to match a much searched for news article headline regarding Obama that day. Would that we had that many hits on a regular basis, we could really start thinking about taking this blog to the next level.

OK color me embarrassed for shutting  Impish out of the top 5 here on his own blog! Then again since I respond so many times to Commenters right in the comments myself I don’t think this stat is honestly reflective of the true numbers. I also have to wonder if this section of the report doesn’t appear different to Impish than it does to me (tailored for who’s viewing the data)

I hope all you non Continental US visitors have the proper travel documents to be visiting us!

That’s sadly not a whole lot of active Commenters though we do have a few more that e-mail us their comments despite our encouraging them to post them in the comment sections. On behalf of Impish and I I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all our Commenters for participating in our discussions, as well as those who continually send us stuff which may or may not wind up in our issues. With out all of you this would be a much harder job.

 

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the ass-hole’s name.
3. If you help someone when they’re in trouble, they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
THERE YOU HAVE IT…and remember, life is good.

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

‘Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!’ he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

‘Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?’ he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, ‘Well….last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.’

I just had to pass this stuff along.

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be nearly 134 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa “because she was so well endowed”.
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as…

 


Einstein’s Theory of “Relative Titty.”

Oh, stop moaning! I don’t write this shit, I receive it from warped readers and then send it on to you.

Anyway, it beats the hell out of all that political crap.

Petroleum Jelly Uses

PETROLEUM JELLY IS REALLY SLICK STUFF!!
By Al Carrell and Kelly Carrell http://www.thesuperhandyman.com/?page_id=123

* Rub it over your hands to act as an invisible glove to keep paint or dirt off of your hands while you work.
* Coat the hinge of a squeaky door, no dripping or running oil.
* Coat the threads of glue tubes to keep the caps from getting stuck in place.
* Rub on your table to remove white water rings or blush marks caused by a too-hot serving dish.
* Coat threads of an outdoor light bulb to keep it from rusting and becoming hard to remove.
* Apply it to the panes of your windows before painting the trim, better than masking tape in many ways.
* Coat battery terminals to keep them from corroding.
* Coat water pipes that are screwed together to get a better seal.
* Nuts and bolts come apart easier when the threads have been coated.
* Keep a trailer hitch from rusting, coat and then cover with a slit tennis ball
* Put a dab in a plastic bag and fill with small hardware items. Shake it to coat parts and help prevent rust.
* Coat vacuum cleaner hose parts before connecting them so they will come layer.
* Keep hands from chapping in cold, wet weather outdoors.
* Put some on your dog’s feet to keep them in good condition.
* Protect chrome in storage.
* One tiny birthday candle will stay lit for hours when stuck into a jar of petroleum jelly. Keep this set-up on hand for emergencies.
* Put a layer around the inside rim of a paint can before closing the lid. It will come right off when your open the next time and it will still be fresh.

Here’s a few more ideas I culled from a bunch of different sources

Fond of patent-leather shoes, but hate the boot-camp-like effort it takes to make them shine their best? A dab of petroleum jelly and a soft rag will have them gleaming.

Are you painting an intricate design on woodwork? Want to keep paint off of some sections? Coat them with petroleum jelly before picking up a paint brush. You can clean up with a paper towel afterward.

Have trouble keeping your hair dye in place while the magic happens? Coat the hair and skin you want to protect from runoff with some petroleum jelly.

Picked up the groom’s 25 pounds, thanks to those regular, delicious meals? If your wedding band is so tight you can’t get it off, fear not; just slather that finger with petroleum jelly and the ring will slide off like a greased pig through the arms of a farm child.

When stored for a long time, chrome can lose its luster. A thin coat of petroleum jelly on it, or any other ferrous metal surface, can keep that gleam intact for a long time.

Ants love nothing better than to carry off those enormous nuggets of dog or cat food from your pet’s bowl. Stymie their invasion with a band of petroleum jelly around the bottom of the bowl.

Your toilet plunger only works well when it can seal off the inner workings of the toilet. A thick bead of petroleum jelly around the widest part will help created a tight seal so the plunger can do its thing.

Most perfumes go through a transition as they dry on the skin; if you favor the initial scent, prolong it by applying a thin coat of petroleum jelly over-top.

The traditional softening agent for a baseball mitt is neatsfoot oil, a product made from the bones of cattle. If you don’t have any around, however, some petroleum jelly will do the job just fine. Don’t overdo it, though, or the ball might come squirting out of your glove.

Has your bird feeder turned into a squirrel feeder? Try coating the pole with petroleum jelly.

Petroleum jelly works fine in forming a neat goatee or mustache, and reins in the occasional wild eyebrow hair. (Somebody tell Andy Rooney that eyebrows are not meant to resemble tail feathers.)

Perhaps some moisture has made its way into a lock in your house. Lube up those workings by applying some petroleum jelly to the key and work it in the lock a few times.

If you’re one of the many men who have chosen a shaved-head look, buff that beauty to a healthy gleam with a little petroleum jelly.

Gum in hair is a common occurrence for kids. Petroleum jelly will help get it out. Put a dab on gum when it is in the hair before it hardens to help loosen it and get it out.

Use petroleum jelly to help relieve your baby’s eczema or even minor adult outbreaks of it. Many of my friends swear by it.

Mix a dab of petroleum jelly with loose eye shadow . It will create a blush or eye shadow color combination that moisturizes and lasts longer .

Babies and toddlers get small scrapes and scratches often. Before applying a thin bandage, apply a thin coat of petroleum jelly if you don’t have an antibiotic ointment on hand to help heal a small scrape or scratch.

Petroleum jelly makes an excellent make up remover.

 

Impish report of his accident garnered a couple responses/exchanges. Unfortunately the majority of the exchange was between him and I as I write this but it was good quality fun none the less and encouraged me to get out my box of 120 Crayola Crayons and try my hand at nose art for his car!

Lloyd Davidson says:

How could you possibly have hit anything? Weren’t you driving a Dodge?

lethalleprechaun says:

Woman driver trumps Dodge Lloyd!

Impish you need to paint a hydrant on the front driver’s side fender now like they do on fighter planes when they shoot something down.

impishdragon says:

Agreed. A black silhouette of a hydrant on the front quarter panel….but not for several weeks, I think. I DO value my skin, after all.

lethalleprechaun says:

Suggest “Hydrant Killer” for her call sign painted on the door & an “I Love Demolition Derbies” bumper sticker. [After thought maybe it should read “My other car is a bulldozer”!]

impishdragon says:

I know there’s an anti-fireman joke in there somewhere. Okay, how about a bumper sticker that says: Interfering with Firemen since 2013.
Okay, so it’s not great. But, I’m not at my best right now. lol.

Reply

• The Ginster says:

  January 26, 2013 at 19:03

  My hubby a retired NJ Firefighter…thought you should get her a charm of a fire hydrant or a Divining Rod. He also said if she did that in NJ and sheared it off the stem the car would have been an ice castle. I had two handles when I worked from accidents in snow and ice….
  “Princess Black Ice” and a very endearing “Snowflake”

lethalleprechaun says:

More like interfering with male dogs territorial bulletin boards & public restrooms since 2013!

And here is my attempt at nose art for Mrs. Dragon’s car:

If anyone is an artist with airbrush skills and interest in donating their time to paint this on the drivers fender of the car please contact Impish by leaving a comment. It’s my understanding he’s had to limp off into hiding (seriously? Hiding?! How hard can it be to follow  limping footprints with the distinctive pattern of a walker in the snow?) after Mrs. Dragon caught him participating in this (humorous) exchange.

Watching A Movie With Girlfriend

 

Its winter time and time for some recipes that warm you up and make dealing with to cold and snow (seems to me I used to know what that stuff was) less of a chore and hassle.

Fiesta Breakfast Casserole

Prep 15 min.   Total 3 hr.  Serves 6 Servings: about 1 1/2 cups each

Bake: 45 min.  Chill: 2 hr.

Need a simple and delicious breakfast dish to serve overnight guests?  Try this easy to make casserole – you can put it together the night before and just pop it in the oven about 45 minutes before you’re ready to serve.

What You’ll Need

1/2 pound bulk pork sausage
12 slices  White Sandwich Bread, cut into cubes (about 6 cups)
1 1/2 cups shredded Cheddar cheese (about 6 ounces)
1 cup Picante Sauce
4 eggs
3/4 cup milk

How to Make It

1  Cook the sausage in a 10-inch skillet over medium-high heat until well browned, stirring often to separate meat. Pour off any fat.

2 Spoon the sausage into an 11 x 7 x 2-inch baking dish. Top with the bread cubes and cheese. Beat the picante sauce, eggs and milk in a medium bowl with a fork or whisk. Pour the picante sauce mixture over the bread mixture. Stir and press the bread mixture into the picante sauce mixture to coat.  Cover and refrigerate for 2 hours or overnight.

3 Set the oven to 350°F.  Uncover the baking dish.  Place it in the cold oven

4 Bake for 45 minutes or until a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

Recipe Tips

Make-Ahead: Prepare this dish the night before and pop it into the oven in the morning. It’s great for when you have overnight guests. Add a simple side of sliced melon and breakfast is ready!

 

Easy Chicken-Vegetable Italiano

At a glance

Prep 10 min.   Total 35 min.   Serves 6

Servings: about 1 cup each  Cook: 25 min.

Sautéed chicken is tossed with hearty pasta sauce, Parmesan and mixed vegetables, then served over hot linguine for a delicious one-dish supper.

What You’ll Need

1 tablespoon vegetable oil
1 pound skinless, boneless chicken breasts, cut into strips
1 jar (24 ounces) Prego® Fresh Mushroom Italian Sauce
1 bag (16 ounces) frozen vegetable combination (broccoli, cauliflower, carrots)
1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese
3/4 of a 1 pound package spaghetti or linguine, cooked and drained (about 6 cups)

How to Make It

1 Heat the oil in a 12-inch skillet over medium-high heat.  Add the chicken and cook until it’s browned and the juices evaporate. Set the chicken aside.

2 Stir the sauce, vegetables and cheese in the skillet and heat to a boil. Reduce the heat to low. Cover and cook for 15 minutes or until the vegetables are tender-crisp.

3 Stir the chicken in the skillet and heat through. Serve over the pasta.

 

Parting Shot

Seems Democrats and Liberals hate Video Games with a fervor reminiscent of the Clergy’s hatred of Rock & Roll in the 50’s. To hear the Dems & Libs tell it all video games are violent, most glorify gun and the most often played are FPS- First Person Shooter games which leads directly to urges for a real gun and to commit acts like the Newtown Massacre. Oh yeah I almost forgot those that play these games live in Mom & Dad’s basement and ply games all the time to the exclusion of all else. I think that the basics of the Dem/Lib alleged correlation between guns and video games, abet in a simplified

 

Well that sure seems like another Liberal Anti Gun “Fictional Fact” shot all the hell! What else you got you bunch of closet commies? Let’s get to shoveling all the manure you’ve been heaping on this issue over the entire course of my life cleared off the issue so we can have that frank honest factual exchange shall we?

While we’re on the subject of meaningful exchange, my guest Last Word in Impish’s Wednesday edition garnered some comments and caused me to amplify on my original thoughts in response to one of them. Since my usual Reader’s Mail & Response section was taken up with comments about Mr. & Mrs. Impish Dragon’s accident, I thought they should be included here for those who never read those comments.

Hank says:

January 23, 2013 at 05:39

Excellent food for thought in the Last Word today

 

• lethalleprechaun says:

  January 23, 2013 at 15:57

  Appreciate the thumbs up Hank! Thanks for commenting.

  Reply

Howard SbrBiker Zang says:

January 23, 2013 at 08:41

I see one major problem with the “Smart Gun” technology; the [sic] governement would eventually develop the technology to disable all civilian firearms, hence disabling the ability of We the people to resist them. The idea sounds good in theory, but the drawback is, IMHO, worse than the actual reversal of the Second Amendment.

lethalleprechaun says:

January 23, 2013 at 16:44

I recognize that fact Howard, because as I said (quoting me)-

“Is this sort of approach sort of a slippery slope? Possibly. I can see other places wanting demanding disabling devices thereby effectively interfering with you right to carry in public. Then again I have to ask how that’s any different then ‘gun free zones’ now. To me the obvious difference is that ALL guns would be excluded from the area not just lawfully carried ones”

Seems to me though there is another aspect of this you’re not seeing. If ALL GUNS and I DO mean EVERY LAST ONE THAT CAN BE SO MODIFIED including Police and Military have to have the Smart Gun modification, then large scale/ long range disablers become a two edged sword, True our guns no longer work but then again neither do theirs! Personally one on one knives and hatchets in close quarters combat I like my chances better! (RELAX LIBERALS! I’m making a point by making a JOKE! SHEEESH!)

The bottom line problem with this problem is that there is no good single fits all solution. If there WAS then we’d not be having this current discussion the problem would have been solved LONG ago. Paraphrasing an adage from the advent of nuclear weapons, ‘once you let the genie out of the bottle, its impossible to get him back in there again’. The firearms gene started getting let out of the bottle all the way back in the 14th century. Samuel Colt removed more of the stopper when he invented the first dependable repeating firearms and a whole hoard of gun makers have been shipping away at not only the remaining stopper but the mouth of the bottle as well until now the ginormious genie has but one foot left in the bottle. We’re never going to get him back in so we have to do our best to find ways to control access to the genie and make sure that last foot doesn’t get totally out of the bottle. Our task is simply to find the combination of approaches that proves most effective while simultaneously being least odious with regards to our Second Amendment rights

No single solution or approach will accomplish that. This is going to require multiple avenues and approaches on multiple levels and even then I doubt that 0 gun deaths 0 murders with firearms and 0 incident such as Newtown will ever be truly achieved. JFK understood this fact perhaps most clearly of anyone when he said that it was impossibly to defend against a determined assassin if he is willing to give his life to end yours. I fear the same is true of those who would use firearms against other people in non war scenarios.

Now SOME of you might think that because of my background I’m just a Constitutional zealot, Gun nut and my persecutions have been colored by living in the heart of Rednecksilvania lo these last 13 years. I’d like to point out that as recently as yesterday there has been violence, gun based violence, close to me. THE LONE STAR COLLEGE SHOOTING took place less than 5 miles away from me.

This is the college that both Molly and I go to to take proctored exams for the on line courses we take. We spend time there for certain labs and to avail ourselves of their Resource Center. This college has one of the largest Campus Police Forces I have seen in many years, especially in light of the fact it is a non residential college. Despite this a shooting occurred. True it was NOT a mad man runs amuck scenario like Newtown, the incident was a personal disagreement largely confined between two individuals. Still a bystander got hut and not all the rounds fired hit their intended targets. Lastly and most importantly it COULD have just as easily been another Newtown style incident.

Last Monday the Wal-Mart 2 miles up the road from me had it’s bank inside robbed, at gun point. Shots were fired outside. Last Wednesday there were a string of armed home invasions/burglaries in the next subdivision over from us. Friday here in the complex where Molly and I live there was a team of 3 pairs looking to commit break ins. I know this because I blew the whistle on them after a pair came to my door under false pretenses and acting strangely. Thankfully when I questioned the one at my door about his real motives for being in the complex he hurriedly left and I was able to alert the Property Managers who in turn found that there were more than just the 2 at my door and the Sheriff’s Deputies were able to grab them all before they successfully broke in anyplace.

Does any of this make me want to ban gun ownership? Quite the opposite, it makes me want to be able to protect myself my beloved Molly and my property even that much more. That protection requires that I be able to purchase own and carry a firearm. The fact that my government wants to deny me the right and ability to provide myself with such a basic human right while yet being obviously unable to provide it for me means that such protection clearly should extend to the class of weapons they have deemed/termed Assault Weapons so that I can be armed to the same level as the biggest threat to my person and rights which sadly seems to be my own government.

Thanks for commenting Howard and for contributing to a meaningful and important exchange of views and opinions on the issue (even if mine does seem longer than yours).

Please feel free to respond again on this or any other topic we post that moves you. Impish and I love a good honest intelligent & fact based debate on topics of great import to our society/country which is sadly something we don’t get to do with any great frequency. Also thanks for helping me with my next issue I think since so few people actually come to the blog and read the comments and discussion here I’ll make your response and my follow up my next Parting Shot.

<<The following comment has since been removed in the interest commenter’s privacy & security. Therefore my response to it appears here for the 1st time and not in the comments section (kind of hard to comment on what’s not there anymore) >>

rprice @hidden to protect commenter says:

January 24, 2013 at 13:49

lets think about this, in reference to the “smart trigger” [sic] im sure that some crafty little bugger somewhere can disrupt this feature as to be [sic] opperated in a “safe zone.” this would then be an even more [sic] grousom slaying field because no one [sic] elses gun would function in this “zone” who tries to stop the attack. because [sic] im sure that it would be mandated, by big brother, that this is the only firearm allowed. imagine having a gun that [sic] doesnt work and seeing the [sic] carrnage,unable to stop it.

 

lethalleprechaun says:

There will always and forever be someone someplace attempting to finding away around any and every safety device ever invented if for no other reason than to prove its NOT fail safe. In some cases this is how improvements to a device or system are made as we see for example with so much of the computer software.

I have already stated MULTIPLE times on this subject in multiple places above that Smart Triggers are in NO WAY being put forward and a single source solution to the problem only as PART of an imperfect solution a multifaceted nearly impossible to solve Gordian knot of a problem. I cannot say it any clearer than that.

In truth what you describe will be no worse than what has already occurred with law abiding people not carrying weapons in current gun free zones being unable to stop determined gunmen.  What I get from you is that since someone somewhere is likely to get around the system we should not ever try it even if it will decrease accidental death and injuries and make it harder for 90% of those looking to pick up a gun and go on a killing spree to do so.

Your comment shows me just how little you grasp of the current issue and it’s complexity. Being unwilling to make ANY attempt to try ANYTHING that might improve the situation even slightly from where I sit makes you part of the problem NOT someone looking for a workable combination of things meant to be a multifaceted compromise/solution. I suspect you have this in common with the majority of Americans and more than a few politicians on both sides of the aisle too sadly.

Thanks for taking the time to comment however. Any and all feedback is always appreciated and nobody learns unless they ask.

A Traditional Candlemas Poem

Candle Candle burning bright
Winter’s halfway done this night
With a-glowing we are knowing
Spring will come again.

And since we’re keeping so many of the old ways this issue I’ll be closing with one swiped from us too.