Good Morning Campers!
Today’s issue is going to be a lot of fun; not much else, but doesn’t everyone need a bunch of fun sometime?
Okay, so I’ve had a tough week.
It was my first week back to work.
That was tough enough, but then the Brown-Gold Delivery System at the office died. Well, suffice it to say that I woke up, hand-cuffed and chained at a Starbucks in Pokeepsie with a coffee IV in my arm.
So yeah, it’s been a week and we need to LAUGH!!!!!
This is great! One of the funniest things I’ve seen on the web in a long time.
Recently, CBS’s 60 Minutes did an absolutely gushing and fawning segment with President Obama and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
It was so bad that Jay Leno and Company turned it into a Cialis commercial on NBC’s Tonight Show.
“A recent article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. It’s not surprising that yoga fans are upset with this article. After all, it’s easy for them to get bent out of shape.” -Craig Ferguson
“A man named Peter Robbins, a 56-year-old guy, was the voice of Charlie Brown on TV. He was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown did not have the money to post bail. You know why? He’s working for peanuts.” -Jay Leno
“New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they’re taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel not a problem.” -Dave Letterman
“The Sundance Film Festival begins today. The jury is choosing among 87 different films. I don’t know if I could be a judge. Watching five movies a day sounds exhausting. But maybe that’s just a sign of how out of shape I am.” -Craig Ferguson
“According to a new study, as much as 81 percent of people lie on online dating websites. Researchers said they were surprised by how many people actually hate long walks on the beach at sunset.” -Jay Leno
“A school in New Zealand discovered that a model skeleton for an anatomy class was actually a real human skeleton. Yeah, they made the realization when they noticed they hadn’t seen their anatomy teacher in about eight months.” -Jimmy Fallon
“You know who gave the shortest inauguration speech in history? George Washington. It was only like three minutes long. Well, sure. George Washington couldn’t tell a lie.” -Jay Leno
“More than a million people gathered in our nation’s capital yesterday, and tens of millions more watched from home to celebrate the first lady’s new haircut. Most people seem to like the hair style, though some Republicans are demanding further cuts.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Sources are saying that Tiger Woods wants to re-marry his ex-wife and might be willing to go for a no-cheating clause. This special clause would be known as a wedding vow.” -Conan O’Brien
“Archeologists investigating an ancient shipwreck in Italy have discovered pills over 2,000 years old. Meanwhile, my mom was like, ‘That date is just a recommendation. They’re still good.'” -Jimmy Fallon
***“Justin Bieber is being sued for allegedly beating up his ex-bodyguard. Which begs the question who hires a bodyguard that Justin Bieber can beat up?” -Conan O’Brien
***“My New Year’s resolution this year was to get a gym membership, use it twice, and then never use it again. I’m already halfway there.” -Jimmy Kimmel
*** “Resolutions just set you up for failure. My resolution last year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.” -Craig Ferguson
“What happened to the fiscal cliff? Are we on it or off it? Forget it. The debt ceiling is the brand new crisis. The fiscal cliff was just the warm-up, just for beginners, like a student film.” -Dave Letterman
“The White House has announced that the theme for President Obama’s second inauguration will be ‘Faith in America’s Future.’ The idea is to get our minds off of America’s present.” -Jay Leno
“Today, members of the 113th Congress were sworn in at the Capitol. After which, they were like, ‘Well, that’s enough work for the year.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“According to a new poll, Congress is now less popular than head lice, Nickelback, and Donald Trump. In a related story, head lice is insulted that it’s being lumped in with Donald Trump and Nickelback.” -Conan O’Brien
“Alabama won the college football championship game. It was a tough loss for the Notre Dame Fighting Irish. If only Irish people had some kind of tradition of drowning their sorrows in something, it would have been much easier.” -Jimmy Kimmel
Before my daughter went on her first date, I gave her “the talk.”
“Sometimes, it’s easy to get carried away when you are with a boy,” I said. “Remember, a short moment of indiscretion could ruin your life.”
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I don’t plan on ruining my life until I get married.”
“A new study shows that monkeys can look at photos and recognize other monkeys they know. However, the study also shows that monkeys are terrible with names.” -Conan O’Brien
“A new study found that bacon and freshly baked bread are Americans’ favorite smells. Yeah, this morning instead of putting on cologne, I just rubbed my neck with a B.L.T.” -Jimmy Fallon
“A woman in California is being studied because she says she remembers everything from the last 12 years. And I’m thinking, ‘Wait a minute isn’t that every woman?'” -Dave Letterman
One of the first things you learn on your honeymoon is, when you’re carrying your bride over the threshold, always go in sideways — unless of course two broken ankles and a concussion turn you on.
The government will be requiring new food labels that are more specific. Products will now be labeled, no fat, low fat, reduced fat and fat, but great personality.
“I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.” -Beryl Pfizer, American journalist
“A new survey found that 77 percent of Americans think politicians do serious harm to the country. Politicians are like, ‘Cool, at least they think we do something.'” -Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama told Congress it must raise our debt limit because the U.S. ‘is not a deadbeat nation.’ Then the president added, ‘By the way, if China calls, I’m not here.'” -Conan O’Brien
“Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg introduced a new feature called Graph Search. It’s an interesting feature. Soon you’ll be able to find anything you want on Facebook, except for the thousands of hours of your life you lost going on Facebook.” -Jimmy Kimmel
“Actress Megan Fox compared fame to being bullied in high school. I agree. I’ll never forget that day in high school when jocks cornered me in the gym and paid me millions of dollars to star in ‘Transformers.'” -Conan O’Brien
“I asked my doctor yesterday what the difference is between a cold and the flu and he said, ‘About $80.'” -Dave Letterman
“MGM is coming out with a remake of the classic 1959 film ‘Ben-Hur.’ You can tell it’s a remake because instead of being about a Jewish prince who is betrayed by his Roman friend, sent into slavery, and then seeks revenge it’s just about sexy vampires.” -Jimmy Fallon
“Near Antarctica, scientists just discovered some new undersea creatures. I believe this deep sea discovery is yet more evidence of the wonderful bio-diversity in our oceans that we have to clear out if we’re going to get at that tasty crude oil.” -Craig Ferguson
“The University of Arizona now offers a degree in hip-hop. Trust me. That’s one class where you don’t want to cheat off the Asian kid.” –Conan O’Brien
“According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest, the top two most unhealthy restaurant dishes were from The Cheesecake Factory. The Cheesecake Factory? It’s always the last place you’d expect.” -Jay Leno
Mormon-owned Marriott International has joined an
coalition to repeal DOMA, (the Defense of Marriage
Act.) Forget politics, needing to put heads in beds
REALLY makes for strange bedfellows.
Former GOP congressman Ray LaHood is stepping
down as Transportation Secretary, but says he
thought it was “the best job” he’s ever had in public
service, and that he liked working for Obama. Is
LaHood also trying to get kicked out of the
A missile launcher showed up at a gun buy back program
in Seattle. The owner says if nothing else, when he sat
on the porch with it the neighborhood kids stayed off
Hillary Clinton says as Secretary of State she identifies
most with William Seward. She feels he helped her get
the position when he bought Alaska which gave us
Sarah Palin which gave President Obama the election
which got her the job.
A judge has approved a $4 Billion criminal settlement for
BP in the Gulf Oil Spill. After which the price of gasoline
immediately went up 50 cents a gallon.
Pope Benedict XVI says easy annulments undercut the
value of marriage. To which most men will testify that
the value of their marriage came out to half of what
they owned plus attorneys’ fees.
The National Council of Churches reported church attendance
in the U.S. dropped last year. It’s been the trend for decades.
A new survey says that atheists are the fastest-growing
religious group in the U.S. and if you don’t believe that
you’re probably one of them.
A California mansion sold Tuesday for one hundred twenty
million dollars in Silicon Valley where the high-tech geek
billionaires all live. This explains why Hillary Clinton has
been wearing those thick, horn-rimmed glasses in television
interviews lately. With all the money she’s going to need to
run for president she needs to attact a wealthier husband.
In Delaware last weekend Ada Bryant, 97, married Robert
Haire, 89. The bride is keeping her name. Because, hey,
you never know. What if she gets tired of him or something?.
When I was young I wanted to go to medical school, but I didn’t pass the entrance exam.
One of the questions was “Rearrange the letters P N E S I to spell out an important part of human body that is more useful when erect.”
Those who spelled SPINE became Doctors… The rest ended up in Congress.
How about a brand new batch of Dear (blank), Sincerely (blank)?
Dear Disney Cruise Line,
Using “Under the Sea” as your theme song is not reassuring.
What gives you the right to call yourself “milk’s favorite cookie?”
Sincerely, Chocolate Chip
You brought mosquitos and you didn’t bring us?!
Dear Mysterious scar that I’ve always had,
Did I defeat a dark lord when I was a baby?
Sincerely, learning spells just in case
When you disappear after I miss hitting you, you are a billion times more terrifying.
Sincerely, afraid to sleep in my own room
Dear people on toothpaste commercials,
We brush our teeth totally differently.
Sincerely, foaming from the mouth
Dear 7 year-old grand daughter,
Don’t worry, not being able to find your blue crayon is NOT a midlife crisis.
Sincerely, Laughing my head off to hear you say that
Dear radio stations,
If you have to censor every other word in a song, shouldn’t that be a clue that you shouldn’t be playing it?
Sincerely, finally warm under the covers
Dear dog I watched chase his tail for 10 minutes straight,
Sincerely, apparently so am I for watching a dog chase his tail for 10 minutes
Dear little girl I’m babysitting,
Thank you for letting me play barbie princess with you.
Sincerely, I can’t remember the last time I had so much fun
I know we had our problems when I was younger, but now I love you and want you back.
Sincerely, teenagers and adults everywhere
Dear alarm clocks,
We are far more effective than you at getting people out of bed.
Sincerely, full bladders
Dear optimists and pessimists,
Clearly, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Dear cute chick in a slasher movie,
Please don’t. Don’t check in the creepy tool shed. Don’t do it! No! Stay away! NO DON’T GO IN THERE! STOPPPPP!
Sincerely, I told you so
I don’t always walk across your lap… but when I do, I make sure to step on your genitals.
Sincerely, scumbag cat
Today’s Short Reading from the Bible… from Genesis:
“And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth”.
Then he made the earth round… and he laughed and laughed and laughed!
Government to do background checks on fat people before allowing them to buy eating utensils.
Centraal Beheer is an insurance company from Apeldoorn, Netherlands, which has received numerous awards for its commercials.
|Did you hear about the medieval prostitute who worked six knights a week
The difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian is one is a snack cracker.
Viagra now comes in the form of nasal spray. Its especially good for treating pecker heads
What do you call a pantry full of lesbians? A licker cabinet.
“Will the father be present during the birth?” asked the obstetrician solicitously. “Nah,” replied the mother-to-be. “He and my husband don’t get along.”
Pick-Up Line: Call me Fred Flintstone, because I’ll make your Bedrock.
Tony, the milkman, had a door to door delivery service. A lady called down from her apartment, “Hey, Tony, I need two bottles of milk.” “What apartment, lady?” She said, “4 Q.” Tony yelled back, “4 Q too, lady!”
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I was in bed with a blind girl last night, and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, “You’re pulling my leg.”
Pick-Up Line: If we were both squirrels, would you play with my nuts?
“Sometimes I wonder if the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”
“In times of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.”
“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian.”
Confucius say “If at first you don’t succeed do it like your wife told you.”
We are going to end today’s episode with something different. We’re not going to use the Last Word to rant or bitch or point out something that you should be ranting or bitching about. Nope. Today, we’re going to close out our issue with cute. Pure and simple. And what could possibly be cuter than babies?
Okay, now I KNOW you are smiling right now. Who wouldn’t be? Isn’t a smile a great way to start your weekend? Now, go take that smile and pass it on to as many other people as you possibly can. And we’ll meet back here next week for another great dose of Dragon laffs!
Cheers my friends and fellow campers!