Dragon Health Update

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Just had to share this real quick….

The normal issue is at the printers and all is well, it will be published as normal on Saturday morning, so no worries there.

But, with as much bad news as I’ve shared over the last couple of months with medical and fatalities, I thought everyone could use a little good news.

I spent the first half of the day having old man tests done.  The biggest one was a tread mill stress test for my heart, that, as a fat old man dragon with a fake knee twice removed and a fake hip DAMN NEAR KILLED ME!   The did an echo cardiogram before the treadmill and one after and then called the doctor in to review the tests.

He took one look at the EKG and told me that they could put it in a text book for what the perfect heart beat should be.  He looked at that and the echo results and said I had the heart of a 19 year old!  So, if the treadmill DID kill me, it sure as hell wouldn’t have been my heart that gave out!

But, in all honesty, I was having some … concern … over my health with dad just having a heart attack and my little brother dying a few years ago of a massive heart attack at the age of 50, so this was very good and comforting news.

And I had to share that with my loved ones.

Which is you guys.

So, cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 14 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1648–I hate my laptop

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Good Morning Campers,

Let me just say, that it has taken me over two hours of fighting with this stupid laptop to get to the point where I could finally type the words, “Good Morning Campers”.

I hate this laptop.

I shouldn’t say that.  I actually love this laptop, but I hate the fact that it is old…and not working well anymore.  But, it has to keep working because it will be a long time before I can afford another one and there are many, many higher priorities.

But dammit to hell! 

Now, I’m not bad at computers and keeping them running well.  Most of the guys at work come to me for help, but I think I just need some serious professional help here.  Maybe I should just take it to a place and see what they can do.  God knows I’ve run enough programs and such.

Anyway, enough bitching and griping.  Let’s get to the fun stuff before this thing craps out again, shall we?

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2a

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If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, just know that I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

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Telling her to calm down is child’s play…If you want shit to get real, tell her she’s acting like her mother.

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6

“Have you heard of Murphy’s Law?”

“Yeah.”

“What is it?”

“If something can go wrong, it will go wrong.”

“Right. You’ve heard of Cole’s Law?”

“No, what is it?”

“Thinly sliced cabbage.”

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Groan3

I’m really sorry…those were really bad.

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6a

Okay, so I guess I spoke too soon.

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I don’t always roll a joint … but when I do, it’s my ankle.

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If hard times only make you stronger, then I should be able to whip superman’s ass by now.

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I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach.

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This is the funniest one I’ve seen in a long time…
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F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.  Again, my apologies to the lady at the Waffle House this morning.

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I danced like no one was watching, but someone was watching and he thought that I was having a seizure, and called an ambulance.

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7a

I know a lot of people like that.

Dear McDonalds,
Thank you for not serving hot dogs.  I don’t think I could order a super-sized McWeiner with a straight face.

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Medical School…

When I was young I decided to go to medical school.

At the entrance exam, we were asked to rearrange the letters “PNEIS” and form the name of an important body part which is most useful when erect.

Those who answered “spine” are doctors today, while the res of us are writing blogs.

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Why does toilet paper need a commercial?  Who is not buying this?

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Rock, Paper, Scissors

rocket launcher

Rocket Science

rogue

 

Roken

rolemodels

roleplaying

Rollerblading

rolling hills

Romance

Have you ever met someone so stupid you felt bad for their dog?

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Being kissed while you’re asleep is one of the purest forms of love…unless you’re in prison.

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Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle.
When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants. She remarked, “Well, he’s not my husband.”
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, “Your right, he’s not your husband.”
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, “He’s not from our village.”

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And that’s going to do it for this week my fellow campers.

Love you all,

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1647

April Fool

Good Morning Campers,

Yes indeed, April Fool Day is on Monday. And with as april-fools-day-clip-art-april-fools-clipart-600_600many people as I’ve “April Fooled” in the past, I really think I ought to take the day off and hide in my cave…

But, I’m not going to.  I mean, you know….you have to live on the edge sometimes, right?

Throughout today’s issue, I’ll be telling you about some of the top 100 April Fool’s Day Hoaxes of all time, courtesy of the Museum of Hoaxes from the hoaxes.org website.  I won’t give you all 100 (you can go here: http://hoaxes.org/aprilfool if you want to read them all) but just some of them that made me smile.

So, without further ado, let’s get started.

Let's Laugh 2

 

peanuts

The first one is an easy one and also the one hoax that makes almost everyone’s top spot.

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#1: The Swiss Spaghetti Harvest

April 1, 1957: The respected BBC news show Panorama announced that thanks to a very mild winter and the virtual elimination of the dreaded spaghetti weevil, Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. It accompanied this announcement with footage of Swiss peasants pulling strands of spaghetti down from trees. Huge numbers of viewers were taken in. Many called the BBC wanting to know how they could grow their own spaghetti tree. To this the BBC diplomatically replied, “place a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce and hope for the best.” Even the director-general of the BBC later admitted that after seeing the show he checked in an encyclopedia to find out if that was how spaghetti actually grew (but the encyclopedia had no information on the topic). The broadcast remains, by far, the most popular and widely acclaimed April Fool’s Day hoax ever, making it an easy pick for number one.

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Why couldn’t I go on a school trip like that!?

So this next April Fool’s Hoax is a favorite of mine because of the effort this guy had to go through to pull it off.

6a

#3: The Eruption of Mount Edgecumbe

April 1, 1974: The residents of Sitka, Alaska woke to a disturbing sight. Clouds of black smoke were rising from the crater of Mount Edgecumbe, the long-dormant volcano neighboring them. People spilled out of their homes onto the streets to gaze up at the volcano, terrified that it was active again and might soon erupt. Luckily it turned out that man, not nature, was responsible for the smoke. A local practical joker named Porky Bickar had flown hundreds of old tires into the volcano’s crater and then lit them on fire, all in a (successful) attempt to fool the city dwellers into believing that the volcano was stirring to life. According to local legend, when Mount St. Helens erupted six years later, a Sitka resident wrote to Bickar to tell him, “This time you’ve gone too far!”

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Why is this not listed in my calendar?  I need a date!

I love this next hoax because it just goes to prove Robert Heinlein’s old adage: “Never Underestimate The Power of Human Stupidity.”

6b

 

#7: The Taco Liberty Bell

April 1, 1996: The Taco Bell Corporation took out a full-page ad that appeared in six major newspapers announcing it had bought the Liberty Bell and was renaming it the Taco Liberty Bell. Hundreds of outraged citizens called the National Historic Park in Philadelphia where the bell was housed to express their anger. Their nerves were only calmed when Taco Bell revealed, a few hours later, that it was all a practical joke. The best line of the day came when White House press secretary Mike McCurry was asked about the sale. Thinking on his feet, he responded that the Lincoln Memorial had also been sold. It would now be known, he said, as the Ford Lincoln Mercury Memorial.

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This one is great!

6c

#9: Sidd Finch

The April 1985 issue of Sports Illustrated revealed that the New York Mets had recruited a rookie pitcher named Sidd Finch who could throw a baseball at 168 mph — 65 mph faster than the previous record. Surprisingly, Sidd Finch had never played baseball before, but he had mastered the “art of the pitch” in a Tibetan monastery. Mets fans couldn’t believe their good luck and, accepting at face value the peculiarities of Sidd Finch’s past, flooded Sports Illustrated with requests for more information. But in reality this amazing player only existed in the imagination of author George Plimpton, who had left a clue in the sub-heading of the article: “He’s a pitcher, part yogi and part recluse. Impressively liberated from our opulent life-style, Sidd’s deciding about yoga —and his future in baseball.” The first letter of each of these words, taken together, spelled “H-a-p-p-y A-p-r-i-l F-o-o-l-s D-a-y — A-h F-i-b”.

It figures it would be George Plimpton who wrote the article.

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I like this next one because it hits so close to home.  Being in the Air Force when we got a new guy in the shop we would send him out for a “Left-Handed Smoke Shifter” or 25 feet of “flight line” or a gallon of “prop wash”…you get the idea.  So the fact that Burger King came up with this next one…well…let’s just say that they’re my kinda people.

6d

#20: The Left-Handed Whopper

April 1, 1998: Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Todayannouncing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, “many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version.” Left-handed products of various kinds are actually an old joke on April first, but Burger King’s announcement quickly became, by far, the most famous version of the joke.

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And for the final one of the day, what could be more appropriate than a comic themed hoax? 

6e

#22: The Great Comic Strip Switcheroonie

April 1, 1997: When comic strip fans opened their papers, they discovered that their favorite strips looked different. Not only that, but in many cases characters from other strips popped up out of place. The reason for the chaos was the Great Comics unnamed-fileSwitcheroonie. Forty-six comic-strip artists conspired to pen each other’s strips for the day. For instance, Scott Adams of Dilbert took over Family Circus by Bil Keane, where he added a touch of corporate cynicism to the family-themed strip by having the mother tell her kid to “work cuter, not harder.” Jim Davis of Garfield took over Blondie, which allowed him to show his famous overweight cat eating one of Dagwood’s sandwiches. The stunt was masterminded by Rick Kirkman and Jerry Scott, creators of the Baby Blues comic strip. When asked why he participated, Scott Adams noted, “You don’t get that many chances to tunnel under the fence.”

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I hate how you’re just born out of nowhere, forced to go to school and get an education, so you can get a job.  What if I wanted to be a duck?

5151

I run like the winded…

5152

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

One said, “think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”

“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” said the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, it’s where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.  Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, ‘These feel just like your sister’s.” 

Then you try to stay on for 8 seconds.

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The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week!  There was no coffin at his funeral!!!

5155

Don’s wife had recently died and she was being buried.

Don was sobbing and was being consoled by his friends.

“Don’t worry Don, in five or six months you may meet a beautiful lady who will make you happy.”

“I know, I know,” says Don, “But what am I gonna do tonight?

5156

If Sex Was Sold in a Grocery Store

* Men would do a much better job of searching for and clipping coupons.
* Hookers are renamed “Special Stock Girls.”
* If you ever were not “prepared”, you could always go to Aisle 8..
* There’s gonna be confusion over Trix on Aisle 3 and “Tricks” on Aisle 10.
* Clean up on Aisle 10 would take on a whole new meaning.
* Same with the phrase “Freshness Dating.”
* Same with “Buy One, Get One Free.”
* No one wants to win the One Millionth Shopper award.
* Paper or Plastic or Rubber?
* Some men would still be in the Express Lane.

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These are all from Diaman.  Thanks, Mom!

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7a

7b

7c

7d

7e

7f

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So, if we’re doing collections, we’ve got to do these…

Right

Risk vs reward

Risk

Risks

Road Rage

Road Rage2

Rock Bottom 2

Rock Bottom 3

rock bottom 4

Rock Bottom

rock of fortune

Let’s throw a couple of more laffs around and then call it a day, shall we?

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Okay, so that last one was REALLY tenuous.  I guess you’ve got to be a certain age to get it.

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And that’s it my friends.  Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1646

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Good Morning Campers!

Just a couple of weeks left until the greatest show comes back to TV.  What show is that?  It’s a show that’s all about me and my kin.  And I really, really, really want this shirt!!!!

6b

If that’s not enough of a hint for you….well, then let’s jut move on and LAFF!

6

I grew up all my life believing I was Irish, but thanks to Ancestry.com, I now know I’m just a drunk.

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An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold on to one blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

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The terrible mistake

If you give a Muslim a cookie, he’ll complain that it isn’t halal and demand that you provide one that is.
If you give a Muslim a Halal cookie, he’ll demand that you give him a job so he can buy his own cookies.
If you give a Muslim a job, he’ll demand you give him time out to pray.
If you give a Muslim time out to pray, he’ll demand that you respect his prophet.
If you show respect for his prophet, a Muslim will demand that you stop singing your National Anthem.
If you stop singing your National Anthem, a Muslim will demand that you elect him to Congress.
If you elect a Muslim to Congress, he’ll demand that we change our Constitution, so we are no longer allowed to speak freely or have guns or worship the god of our choice (or not any god at all).
If we change the Constitution to what a Muslim demands, he will demand that Sharia Law be followed by everyone in the land.
If Sharia is followed by everyone in the land, then Muslims will be permitted by law to execute anyone who disagrees with them or does not dress like them or does not worship Allah.
Congress, you gave a Muslim a cookie. So did you, London, France, Greece.
Already the newly elected congressional woman from Michigan is criticizing Pence for his Christian values and beliefs.
It’s just starting.
WAKE UP AMERICA !

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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I um until they hear me stand up.

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I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

5121

Whoever came up with the phrase, “The freaks come out at night.” has clearly never been to Walmart during the day.

5122

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.  Especially if you don’t know them…

6a

Have you ever looked at someone and thought, “Yep…you have a person locked in your basement.”

5123

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…

She hugged me.

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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.  A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.

5125

Some people couldn’t be nice even if a unicorn shoved a fairy wand up their ass while Judy Garland stood there singing “Somewhere Over The Rainbow.”

5126

I hate it when I plan a conversation in my head and the other person doesn’t follow the damn script.

5127

Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream, “Shut The Fuck Up!” out loud instead of just in my head.

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I just rescued some wine… it was trapped in a bottle.

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I’ve decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money…I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on.

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JUST PLAIN NEAT INFORMATION………

Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!

Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.

Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.

If you stop getting thirsty , you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

Zero
is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.

Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.

The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of
midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.

Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your
mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite.

Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F.

The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean

The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be

propagated only by the hand of man.

Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.

The University of Alaska spans four time zones.

The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.

In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage.  Catching it meant she accepted.

Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935!

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

A comet’s tail always points away from the sun.

The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.

Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.

The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.

If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.

When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.

In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.

Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.

Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.

The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.

The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.

Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.

Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy .

Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.

Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight,

530 kg of excess fuel are needed at lift-off

The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.

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In the last week or so, I’ve found that two of our very special Dragon Laffs family members are in desperate need of our prayers.  First I found out last week that Diaman and her dear sister Jeannie are suffering physically.  Without their permission, I won’t go into any further details.

And secondly is our dear Ginny.  I heard from her husband Paul just today that Gin is in hospital for breathing problems.

Please, you have been so good and kind and giving in the past with your prayers that I beseech you to add these three wonderful family members to your prayers in the hopes that our Heavenly Father will hear and bless them all.

5a

The Jewish ELBOW
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is
coming to visit with his wife.
“You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There
is a big panel at the front door.  With your elbow, push button 301. I will
buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.  Get in, and with
your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I’m on the left.. With your elbow, hit
my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my
Elbow? ………
“What . . . .. .. You’re coming empty handed?”

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Wise Italian Grandfather
Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their handguns down through the
family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I
wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated ..38 revolver so
you will always remember me.”
“But grandpa, I really don’t like guns.. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of
bambinos. ”
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man.
“Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, ‘times up’ “?

5134

.      Irish Blonde…
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived
at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue
yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down
and squealed. “Yes! Yes! I won, I won!” She hugged each of the dealers,
picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I
don’t know – I thought you were watching.”
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
….. but all men…are men!

Thanks to Wheats for those last 3 jokes.

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I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.

She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”

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Police came round my house last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

I said, “Bullshit!  My dogs don’t even have bikes.”

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She danced like nobody was watching.

But people were watching and she looked like bees were attacking her.

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I’m on two diets now…

I wasn’t getting nearly enough food on just one.

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“It’s not about how tired you are.  It’s about how tired you’re making everyone else.”

– My husband explaining bedtime to the kids

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I’m not sure if my body can handle much more of this “getting out of bed” nonsense

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One more trespasser and my wind chime is complete.

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Not only is my short-term memory horrible, but so is my short-term memory.

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Okay,  The bills are all washed, the laundry is paid, clothes are in the oven, and the last load of dinner is in the dryer.  It looks like I got my to-do list finished.

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And with that, we’ll call it a day.

Love to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1645

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Good Morning Campers!

And a Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to you all!

What a weekend it’s going to be!

As you are reading this I’m either getting ready for or already at our Darts Banquet for last season.  Here’s how that’s going to play out:

Doors open at noon
Food starts at 1 pm
Awards at 2 pm
First Blind Draw at 3 pm
Second Blind Draw at 7 pm
Done by about midnight.

Alcohol and sharp objects!  Good family fun!

Then on Sunday, we will be having our Family St. Patrick’s Day celebration at the in-laws.  Now, I’m not that Irish.  Just enough to wear green on The Day.  But Mrs. Dragon’s family is VERY Irish.  Her father has claimed multiple times in multiple places to be FBI.  (Full Blooded Irish)  In point of fact, he has claimed to be FBI (Full Blooded Irish) to the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) while he was a mailman and had occasion to have dealings with the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation). 

Yes, it does get a bit confusing. 

Now, fair warning, I’m not sure if there will be an issue NEXT week as, if you can read between the lines and multiply the alcohol, you will see that it will be a difficult week for me recovery wise.

But, we shall see!  Indeed we shall!

So now, let us all begin today’s laffter!!

Happy St P letters

1a

!cid_X_MA6_1331876710@aol

Just before I die, I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.  My cremation is going to be EPIC!!

!cid_X_MA8_1330032788@aol

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

“Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

“MEN NEVER LISTEN”

!cid_X_MA15_1330032788@aol

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1b

3

I’m on a light diet.
I eat by daylight,
I eat by moonlight,
And sometimes I eat by refrigerator light.

3

I’m glad to see that Lethal is still out causing trouble.

3a

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed  his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect  his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at  their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.

When he’d finished, he went into each and every room  and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow centre of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new  boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out  the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators  were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!…People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid  quit.

Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer,  and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors  refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser,  they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

Then the ex  called the  woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really  was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered  the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling  as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband… they even took the curtain rods.

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?

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Subject: The ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.  For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.  With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, an older Italian/American name Luigi who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.  She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

“How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

Luigi smiled and said, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

BADA BING

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There are 2 kinds of people in the world:

1. Morning people

2.  People who want to shoot morning people

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FUN FACT: In 1770, British parliament banned lipstick, saying it had the power to seduce men into marriage, which was classified as witchcraft.

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We have another special day this week.  Wednesday, March 20th, Spring arrives with the Vernal Equinox (also called the Spring Equinox or the March Equinox) at 5:58 pm.  This date and time marks the first astronomical day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere.

The Equinox is the time when the day equals the night, supposedly.  That doesn’t truly happen because the day starts as the first pinpoint of light peeks over the horizon and does not end until the last of the sun slips below the horizon.  If the sun were just a pinpoint of starlight then it would be much closer to being equal.

Regardless of the science.  Wednesday is Spring!  And warmer weather is coming.  I don’t know about you, but I’m sure ready!

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1998: “Don’t get in car with strangers.”

2008: “Don’t meet people from the internet alone.”

2019: Uber…Order yourself a stranger from the internet to into a car with alone.

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Last year, I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven’t met, yet.

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I’m sorry, but this one just cracked me up!  Really gonna have to try it out.

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Pretty much my goal…except I want to be 115 years-old.

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Thought it was time for some political funnies.  Sadly, most of them weren’t funny.

Don’t make excuses for nasty people.  You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase!

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When they walk down the aisle in their underwear it’s “Art” and “Fashion”

When I do it I’m “Drunk” and “Not Allowed Back in Target”

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One of my biggest faults is that when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is.

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Mom: If a stranger come up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up.” What would you say?

Kid: I’d say, “You’re lying.  My mom has no friends.”

Mom: Not where I was going, but ok.

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Taking a dog named “Shark” to the beach is a very bad idea.

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I asked my dog what time it was.  He looked at me and said, “How should I know?  I’m not a watch dog!”

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I spent 20 minutes with a mind reader…

She went insane.

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Squirrel!

The Left is now protesting fences or walls around cemeteries claiming their voter base can’t get out.

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7a

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Squirrel!

Once you hit a certain age, you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of stuff.

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Nature vs. Technology!

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Eagle!

This “Killing them with kindness” is taking way longer then I expected. 

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Dammit I’m mad is Dammit I’m mad spelled backwards.

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I can’t believe how old people my age are

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My super power is holding on to junk for years and throwing it away a week before I need it

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I always knew I’d get old.  How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

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I got called “pretty” today!

Well, actually the full statement was “you’re pretty fucking annoying” But I only focus on positive things.

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If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, you’ll be only 76 pounds on Mars.  You’re not overweight, you’re just not on the right planet.

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I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

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I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, “Hey look!  That one is shaped like an idiot!”

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Be the reason someone smiles today.

Or the reason they drink.

Whatever works.

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