Dragon Laffs #1546

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Good Morning Campers,

My apologies for this issue being late, but here’s some examples why:

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 The pathway to the footbridge is NEVER even near the water and you can see the crazy angle of the floating dock to the right of the gazebo.

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Here’s a slightly better look at the sidewalk…Keep in mind, the pond is usually 4 or 5 feet below that level.

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This is the road (yes, that’s a road) going down into base housing where I used to live.  There is actually a pretty deep dip in the intersection right there so that if I were to stand in the middle of the intersection, say about 20 feet in front of the telephone pole you can see in the middle of the background, the water would be chest high or so. 

That’s a road!

In the middle of northern Indiana!

So, needless to say, with the 3 18 hour days I’ve had this week, and being at work on Saturday, it’ll be a wonder if this issue gets out at all.  But, since you’re reading it, then it must’ve gotten out, although from my perspective….

Okay, we’re not starting that crap again.  So instead, …

Let's Laugh

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Like my Polish Grandma at Easter (yes, Easter was more about food than Thanksgiving in a Polish family)(or at least in MY Polish family) every level surface in the house had food on it.

This next one from “Papa Dragon Most Senior” is called: The Arrogance of Old Age!

Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.

I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.  She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.  With her bra-less breasts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice,  “I’m a big believer in barter, old fellow, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?”

I thought for a few seconds and asked, “What kind of beer you got?”

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I’ve reached that age where my brain goes from “You probably shouldn’t say that” to “What the hell.  Let’s see what happens.”

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Winning at life: Die young … as late as possible.

 

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Another picture from our Dungeon and Dragon days.  We enjoyed dressing the part when we played.

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8 Words with 2 meanings…

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female…… Any part under a car’s hood.
Male….. The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female…. Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male….. Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female… The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male… Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko- mit-ment) n.
Female….. A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male…… Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female…. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male…… Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female…. An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male…… A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female…… The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male….. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female…. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male… A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

 

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He said…. I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…. You wear pants don’t you?

He said….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said… That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said….. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ….Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said….. Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said…. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married      women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

 

Groan

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!

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Told ya!

Fantasy

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One of my watery brothers and his wife.

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New Category – Military Pictures

Lethal and many others send me a lot of military and aircraft type pictures because I love them so much, so I think it’s only fitting that I start this new category of:

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An A-10 Thunderbolt II (Warthog) firing it’s 30mm gun!

Well, and let’s just stay with the A-10.  I have a warm, soft spot in my heart for this ugly old Warthog.  From a loader’s perspective, you could put about any munition on this bad-boy that you wanted to.  Under the left wing I can see an AGM-65 missile and across and under the centerline, 4 empty TERs (Triple Ejector Rack) They can each hold up to 3 500 lb bombs.

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And finally, one of the greatest pictures of the business end of an A-10, showing off it’s 11 weapons pylons, stations on each wingtip for chaff/flare canisters and that wonderful 30mm gun system that fills the front fuselage almost all the way back to the wings.

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Stories from my past…Izzy with vest

This is Izzy when she was in kindergarten. 

Most of you know what I do for a living so a brief background is in order.  I needed simulated devices, i.e. IED’s, suspicious packages, suicide vest’s, etc., for work for my Airman to practice their jobs with.  So, one weekend, I went out and bought some Styrofoam tubes, colored construction paper, glue, wires, got some old cell phones, that sort of stuff.  And Izzy and I had Daddy/Daughter Arts and Crafts weekend.

We made all kinds of things…one of which is the vest that you see her wearing there.

It wasn’t a big deal.  What did she know?  To her, it was cutting paper and gluing and coloring and having fun with daddy.  Of course she asked what we were doing and I told her we were building pretend bombs for daddy’s guys at work to play with.

The thought that was great.

And so did I.

Until I got a call from her principal at school the next Monday. 

It seems that when you are in kindergarten, one of the the things the teachers love to do is to asks you about your weekend and what you did.  Izzy’s response was, “My Daddy and I built bombs.  See!” and she shows them the same picture you see above you because I had left it on my desk and she took it to school for show and tell.

No, I didn’t go directly to jail.  Thankfully, the principal and I had a talk the week before and he knew what it was that I did for a living, but we did get a good laugh out of the whole thing.

Yeah, maybe I’ll tell you about HOW the principal and I came to talk to each other the week before in my next issue.

As for this issue, I’m going to try and get it posted, so wish me luck.

Until next time.

Cheers.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Advisory

Due to circumstances beyond my control, Dragon Laffs will be several hours late, up to, but not more than, 24 hours.

I hope to have things back to rights and publish by late Saturday afternoon.

All is well, no one is in hospital or anything like that, it has more to do with 3 – 18 hour days this week, 5 inches of rain since yesterday, exhaustion, body pain (from weather and over-work) and preparing for a special day of work on Saturday.

Love you all.  Talk to you soon.

Cheers,

Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 398 for Wednesday June 21st 2017

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7 years?! Damn, I need a raise! Thanks for reminding me Impish, we’ll discuss my raising my rates later after I mop of all that Shineola you spread on with a trowel. But seriously pal thanks for the kind words. Truth told were it not for my promise to you to have your back as long as you were set on doing this I’d probably have bailed long ago. In fact I seem to remember we almost did bail once about 3 or 4 years back.

See folks, we honestly thought we’d be making at least some money at this by now, at least enough to cover the bare minimum expenses, when we switched over to the blog format. Instead we’re begging for the funds to keep it going year after year.

Ah. well as Robbie Burns said long ago “the best laid plans o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley.” Or as my Yiddish speaking friends are so fond of saying at a time like this- “Mann Tracht, Un Gott Lacht” its an old Yiddish adage meaning, “Man Plans, and God Laughs.”

Speaking of laughs, let’s get to them shall we?

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She’s Naked on the Beach

Three guys are walking down the beach when they see this beautiful woman lying naked on the beach.
Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts having sex with her, when she says, “What will we name the child?”
The guy freaks and runs away.

So the second guy goes over to her and starts “doing his thing” when she says, “What will we name the child?”
He freaks out also and runs away.
The third guy has been watching all this.

So he puts on a condom and goes to do his thing.

When she says ‘what will we name the child?’

He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking, but he keeps going.
Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.

He turns to the girl and says, “If he gets out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.”

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Even as a wee one I was serious about me fishing!

 

Just discovered a couple Youtubes of a local Connecticut Band that was exceptionally good as well as fairly big in New England about the time I graduated High School. Really takes me back.

Limericks

There once was a young man from Densil,
Whose cock as was sharp as a pencil.
On the night of his wed,
He jumped into bed,
And shattered the bedroom utensil.

There once was a woman begat
Who had triplets called Nat, Pat and Tat.
It was easy breeding,
Though it was hell feeding,
When they weren’t enough tit for Tat.

There once was a barmaid named Gale
On whose breasts was the menu for ale.
But since she was kind
For the sake of the blind
On her ass it was printed in Braille

There was a Young Man from Kent
Whose Rod was so long it bent.
So to save himself trouble
He bent it in double,
And instead of coming — he went!

Comedic Political Commentary

Normally I try to only post the best 2 or 3 of the 14 of these I see a week. However with so much happening of late there were just too many on point ones to make choosing easy this week so I upped it to 5. I’ll try not to do this too often.

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I’d like to point out that yet again it was a Liberal who resorted to violence for not getting his way. Again a (presumably gun/Second Amendment hating/banning) Liberal chose a firearm to express his displeasure and not getting his way like a spoiled child.  I wonder- could it simply be Liberals want to abolish the Second Amendment because those at the top of the Democratic Party know in the hearts for certain that their membership  cannot be trusted to act like responsible adults with guns?

I’ll bet you’re wondering now too aren’t you?

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Their Husbands’ Nicknames

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives. One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”
The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”
She frowned and said, “The postman.”
“Why the postman?”
“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

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The Irish Ballerina

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit, and, as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar she asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
The bar went silent as patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, “Give the ballerina a drink!”
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, “What man here will buy a lady a drink?”
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, “Give the ballerina another drink!”
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, “Tell me, Paddy, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?”
The drunk replied, “Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!”

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Darwinism

Apparently the little tab that keeps the handle pulled was frozen so in a spark of Darwinism she used her lighter to thaw it.

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CYber Security Alert

What’s the latest scam making the rounds?

We’re talking about misleading ads popping up online and on social media sites. The ads claim that you could be eligible to receive monthly payments from the Tobacco Master Settlement Agreement (MSA) of 1998.

The MSA was a settlement for a lawsuit brought by 46 states in the U.S. against the tobacco industry. The agreement requires tobacco companies to pay roughly $10 billion annually to the 46 states and the District of Columbia perpetually.

The misleading ads seem to be targeting retirees and claim to offer individuals a “tax-free portion of this settlement.” Consumers are told they are guaranteed to receive $2,300 every month, tax-free, forever.

Warning! These ads are a scam.

How the scam works is, in order for you to receive the payments, you must first sign up for a “Private Briefing membership.” It’s basically a subscription to a newsletter that costs between $5 and $130 every month. It’s promoted by an investment advice company named Monday Morning.

The fact is, individuals are not eligible to receive money from the MSA. The settlement requires tobacco companies to pay states, not individuals. So if you see anything claiming you could be eligible to receive funds from the settlement, it’s not true.

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You know Impish somehow I get the impression they are talking about us in this next one:

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DAMNED BLOODY WELL SKIPPY WE CAN!

Same holds for securing our Southern border too!

Impish’s Response (this take place prior to his seeing my comments here): Or handle the zombie apocalypse….just sayin’.

My response to Impish: I said dealing with the securing of the Southern border.

As for the Z.A. I’ve decided we shouldn’t handle it as much as manage it.

Let them kill all the liberals and slowly starve on liberals lack of brains for food. That way, not only is the problem self correcting but we gain an upside as well- the decimation of the Liberal population via a natural(?) event .

I mean, we can’t be going and actually shooting the Zombies with GUNS now can we?
We’d likely be offending Liberals thrice, once over the possession/use of guns, again
over our callous disregard for Zombie rights and finally for not respecting/murdering undead life.

We could claim we were blameless because we honored those things they always railed at us about and tried to outlaw for us.  Plus, any surviving Liberal would have the benefit of a fantastic practical example, not only of the idiocy of their positions, but what happens when we abide by their stupidity and only save those of like minded beliefs to ours.

Frankly I can’t see a downside to this approach.

Ah… the memories!

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Molly claims it’s the female version of war paint.

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What was once thought outlandish (in 1960) is now real life.

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Rodman Edward Serling (1924-1975) was an American screenwriter, playwright, television producer, and narrator known for his live television dramas of the 1950s and his science-fiction anthology TV series, The Twilight Zone (156 episodes, 1959 to 1964). He was known as the “angry young man” of Hollywood, clashing with television executives and sponsors over a wide range of issues including censorship, racism, and war.

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Dragon Laffs #1545–Happy Father’s Day!

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Tomorrow is Father’s Day!  And as important a day as that is, there is another important day I wish to bring up first.

Wednesday, June 14th was the 7th Anniversary of Leprechaun Laffs!  Seven wonderful years of laughter, mirth and great times spent with my bestest buddy, my gold standard friend, my brother from another mother and brother in arms, Lethal Leprechaun.  I can honestly say, that if it wasn’t for him, there would not be, at this time, a Dragon Laffs website and a twice weekly blog/e-zine being published.  There just wouldn’t be.  He has had my six for so long that I wouldn’t be here without him.

Thank you, Lethal, my brother, for the years you’ve been with me on this great literary experiment.  Thank you for the love, friendship and commitment that you’ve given me over the years.  And Happy Anniversary!

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Now, all of you rabid readers out there, send Lethal a special toe tappingcongratulatory email, or message or text or whatever.  Go on!  Do it now, I’ll wait.

 

Now, back to Father’s Day…

The nation’s first Father’s Day was celebrated on June 19, 1910, in the state of Washington. However, it was not until 1972–58 years after President Woodrow Wilson made Mother’s Day official–that the day honoring fathers became a nationwide holiday in the United States.

Throughout the rest of the issue, we’ll talk a bit more about the History of Father’s Day and have some Father’s Day pictures and cartoons.  So, without further ado…

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3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep.  The other wants to know if penguins have knees!

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public service

Another great article and Public Service article from our friends at Kim Komando’s website.

3 worst places to swipe your debit card

With the recently reported data breaches of fast-food giant Chipotle Mexican Grill and retailer Kmart, it seems like we are risking our debit and credit card information to hackers and identity thieves each time we use them. In fact, security researchers think that nearly half of the credit cards in the U.S. are at risk.

It makes us wonder if it’s time to stop using debit and credit cards altogether and switch back to cash.

While we don’t think you should abandon plastic entirely, there are some places where using cash is better for security. And it shouldn’t be much less convenient than using a card.

Before we talk about that, however, we do have a bit of security advice that might strike you as ironic. The place you go to get cash could be stealing your information. We are talking about your ATM.

Criminals have perfected disguising and installing what are called “skimmers.” These fit over the card reader on an ATM and snag your account data when you swipe your card. Then, a small camera over the ATM keypad records your PIN when you punch it in.

Spotting a skimmer is hard. Your best defense is to get your cash from a teller. If the bank isn’t open, only use an ATM that’s in a restricted-access foyer.

You should also hold your hand over the keypad when you enter your PIN. This blocks any camera from seeing what you’re doing. Click here to see how effective this simple trick is.

Now that you know how to safely get cash, here’s where you might want to use it. These are three of the most common places where your credit card information can get stolen.

1. GAS STATIONS

ATMs aren’t the only places criminals can install card skimmers. In fact, gas stations are a favorite target for thieves.

The tiny, almost invisible skimming devices are installed inside or on a gas pump’s debit or credit card slot. When a customer swipes a card, the skimmer reads the account information from the magnetic strip.

The criminal then retrieves the information every few days by driving by the compromised gas stations and remotely grabbing the card data wirelessly via Bluetooth. Since you still have your card with you, you won’t even know that your information was stolen until unauthorized charges start appearing. Alarming stuff indeed.

Bonus tip: Click here to learn how to spot and avoid credit card skimmers.

Security experts recommend never putting in a debit card PIN at a gas pump. Use a credit card instead if you must since credit card transactions are easier to reverse, and you’re only liable for up to $50 of fraudulent purchases.

You can also pay inside the gas station with a card, which is much less risky. For the ultimate safety though, pay in cash.

2. RESTAURANTS

The vast majority of waiters and waitresses are trustworthy, hard-working people, so be nice to them and tip well for their good service. But today I’m talking about the few servers who aren’t so trustworthy.

Over the past few years, there have been a number of stories about unscrupulous servers bringing handheld card skimmers to work. They swipe customer card information and use it to make fraudulent purchases later.

Low-tech thieves just write down the card number or take the card outright, which usually doesn’t end well for them.

From local hole-in-the-wall diners to high-end New York eateries, no place seems to be safe. I know a few people who had their card information stolen at a range of pizza shops.

Even if the employees are trustworthy, many restaurants use older point-of-sale systems. These are easy for hackers to install card-swipe software on, like in the Target hack.

3. STORES

Restaurants and gas stations make juicy targets: a steady stream of customers, some not from the area. The same goes for stores. In fact, credit card skimmers are constantly being found even at retail stores.

For small purchases, cash is the way to go. Use cash at the grocery store or while buying clothes. For larger purchases, use a credit card instead of a debit card. Again, you have less liability with a credit card.

We’ve already stated that it has better fraud protection systems in place. Plus, a hacker can’t overdraft your bank account with a credit card. You don’t need to be fighting overdraft fees on top of everything else.

Also, to protect yourself from in-store card skimmers, newer point-of-sale technology is rolling out to retail stores. If possible, use the method of paying with your card’s EMV microchip instead of swiping. This is safer since each EMV transaction issues a unique code and it changes every time, unlike the permanent information on a magnetic strip.

Another way to prevent store skimmers is to use contactless payment methods like Apple Pay or Android Pay. With this method, you don’t even have to take your card out of your wallet, all you need is your phone or your watch. Like EMV, contactless methods like these issue a unique code for each transaction and is definitely safer than card swiping.

And all of these are places where I use my cards all the time.  I guess I’m going to have to seriously rethink my spending habits.

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The “Mother’s Day” we celebrate today has its origins in the peace-and-reconciliation campaigns of the post-Civil War era. During the 1860s, at the urging of activist Ann Reeves Jarvis, one divided West Virginia town celebrated “Mother’s Work Days” that brought together the mothers of Confederate and Union soldiers.

However, Mother’s Day did not become a commercial holiday until 1908, when–inspired by Jarvis’s daughter, Anna Jarvis, who wanted to honor her own mother by making Mother’s Day a national holiday–the John Wanamaker department store in Philadelphia sponsored a service dedicated to mothers in its auditorium.

Thanks in large part to this association with retailers, who saw great potential for profit in the holiday, Mother’s Day caught on right away. In 1909, 45 states observed the day, and in 1914, President Woodrow Wilson approved a resolution that made the second Sunday in May a holiday in honor of “that tender, gentle army, the mothers of America.”

*Most of the history of Father’s Day information presented today comes from the history.com website.

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Things to think about today instead of other things

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body… men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor ”

♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

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And now a golf joke for my dad.  Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
 
“Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt”, the golfer mumbles to himself.
 
Golf pinJust then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?”
 
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sounds good to me,”   –  and promptly sinks the putt!
 
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one.” golf1
 
The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?”
 
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.”   And, amazingly, he makes the eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
 
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and, sure enough, he makes the eagle  –  and wins the match.
 
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you really will have  no sex life at all.”
 
“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies.   “I’m Father O’Malley.”

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Dragon

Dragon Pix

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The campaign to celebrate the nation’s fathers did not meet with the same enthusiasm–perhaps because, as one florist explained, “fathers haven’t the same sentimental appeal that mothers have.”

On July 5, 1908, a West Virginia church sponsored the nation’s first event explicitly in honor of fathers, a Sunday sermon in memory of the 362 men who had died in the previous December’s explosions at the Fairmont Coal Company mines in Monongah, but it was a one-time commemoration and not an annual holiday.

The next year, a Spokane, Washington, woman named Sonora Smart Dodd, one of six children raised by a widower, tried to establish an official equivalent to Mother’s Day for male parents. She went to local churches, the YMCA, shopkeepers and government officials to drum up support for her idea, and she was successful: Washington State celebrated the nation’s first statewide Father’s Day on June 19, 1910.

Slowly, the holiday spread. In 1916, President Wilson honored the day by using telegraph signals to unfurl a flag in Spokane when he pressed a button in Washington, D.C. In 1924, President Calvin Coolidge urged state governments to observe Father’s Day.

Today, the day honoring fathers is celebrated in the United States on the third Sunday of June: Father’s Day 2017 occurs on June 18; the following year, Father’s Day 2018 falls on June 17.

In other countries–especially in Europe and Latin America–fathers are honored on St. Joseph’s Day, a traditional Catholic holiday that falls on March 19.

Father

At a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. “Tom was unable to hold me or the
children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.”

“We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath. I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.

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Growing old is hard work…the mind says “yes!” but, the body says “what the hell are you thinking?”

 

Now this is a dad that’s got it going on!

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Three Elderly Ladies from Florida

     

This is a detective story So Pay Close Attention!!!


Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game.

They smuggle a bottle of13

into the ball park.


The game is very exciting
and they are enjoying themselves immensely…mixing the Jack Daniel’s with soft drinks. 13a


Soon they realize that the bottle is almost gone and the game has a lot of innings to go.

Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base?


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Think!
 

        
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Think some more!!

 
 
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You’re gonna love it .


Answer:
It’s the bottom of the fifth 13band the bags are loaded!

 

Fantasy

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father's day brew

 

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There are more than 70 million fathers in the United States.

 

Father's Day 1

Critter

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Many men, however, continued to disdain the day. As one historian writes, they “scoffed at the holiday’s sentimental attempts to domesticate manliness with flowers and gift-giving, or they derided the proliferation of such holidays as a commercial gimmick to sell more products–often paid for by the father himself.”

During the 1920s and 1930s, a movement arose to scrap Mother’s Day and Father’s Day altogether in favor of a single holiday, Parents’ Day. Every year on Mother’s Day, pro-Parents’ Day groups rallied in New York City’s Central Park–a public reminder, said Parents’ Day activist and radio performer Robert Spere, “that both parents should be loved and respected together.”

Paradoxically, however, the Great Depression derailed this effort to combine and de-commercialize the holidays. Struggling retailers and advertisers redoubled their efforts to make Father’s Day a “second Christmas” for men, promoting goods such as neckties, hats, socks, pipes and tobacco, golf clubs and other sporting goods, and greeting cards.

When World War II began, advertisers began to argue that celebrating Father’s Day was a way to honor American troops and support the war effort. By the end of the war, Father’s Day may not have been a federal holiday, but it was a national institution.

In 1972, in the middle of a hard-fought presidential re-election campaign, Richard Nixon signed a proclamation making Father’s Day a federal holiday at last. Today, economists estimate that Americans spend more than $1 billion each year on Father’s Day gifts.

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   This is very interesting.  The History of The Emoji.

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Philosophers Of the Century …??
 
~ Betsy Salkind…
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
  ~ Jean Kerr…
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
  ~ Prince Philip…
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

~ Harrison Ford…
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

   ~ Spike Milligan…
The best cure for Sea Sickness, is to sit under a tree.
  ~ Jean Rostand…
Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror.
  ~  Arnold Schwarzenegger…
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million.
  ~ WH Auden…
We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
  ~ Jonathan Katz…
In hotel rooms, I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.
  ~ Johnny Carson…
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
  ~ Warren Tantum… (School photo album).
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical.
  ~ Steve Martin…
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.
  ~ Jimmy Durante…
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

.   ~ George Roberts…
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
  ~ Jonathan Winters…
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.  

  ~ Robert Benchley…
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
  ~ John Glenn…
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
  ~ David Letterman…
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
  ~ Howard Hughes…
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit, I’m a billionaire.
   ~ Old Italian proverb…
After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.

Happy%20Fathers%20Day

Now that’s the kind of spa package I could go for!

Motivate

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Military Dads are very special creatures, indeed!  As I’m sure this soldier in the next story was a dad who, like most dad’s, starts off being polite and then goes …. well, you’ll see…

And American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.

The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well-dressed, middle-aged lady and was being used by her little dog.  The war weary soldier asked, “Please, ma’am, may I sit in that seat?”

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, “You Americans.  You are such a rude class of people.  Can’t you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?”

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, “Please, lady.  May I sit there?  I’m very tired.”

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, “You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant.  Imagine!”

The soldier didn’t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked, railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.

And English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, “You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.  You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand.  You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.  And now, Sir, you’ve thrown the wrong bitch out the window.”

happyfathersday

 

And keeping with the Father’s Day theme, how about a video from my Dad that’s called: “Replacement for golf on rainy days.”

 

One day God was looking down at Earth, and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels, and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving, and only 5% are not.”
God thought a moment and decided, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel, to get another opinion.” So God called another angel, and sent him to Earth for a time.
When the angel returned, he went to God and explained, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail contained?  Okay… I was just wondering, because I didn’t get the e-mail, either!   11

I wanted to show another picture of Lethal’s little cabin…I think it is one of the coolest pictures I’ve seen in a long time and I think this is an awesome way to end the issue.  I hope all of you have a great Father’s Day or at least a wonderful weekend.

Be well.

Cheers Impish

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Leprechaun Laughs # 397 for Wednesday June 14th 2017

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The brutal summer heat has made it self know already here in Houston at Keebler Towers. Starting with this weekend nights are now in the very high (and humid) 70’s, while daytime temps hover in the high 80s and oft cross over into the low 90’s.

imageJust how bad can it possibly be you ask? I’m glad you asked, see, in addition the the ambient temp we have to deal with the power solar heating effects. While sights like this are not common down here they probably are technically p[possible and I have witnessed eggs cooked on slate tiles with no more heat than having been in strong sunlight a few hours.

You know those silver reflective windshield screens you use to keep your car cool when you park? Down here we actually need them to keep from burning ourselves on the upholstery or steering wheel and often will burn ourselves on those solar shields themselves!

So how did we celebrate this here at Keebler Towers? Why by losing our A/C on Sunday evening of course! We had no A/C from about 10 PM until about 10:30 AM and after the temp outside had made it to 90. Inside we were up to about 82 and even the Ninja Kitties were complaining.

Fortunately it was a relatively easy repair, the fan on the compressor unit had seized up, so it was done in short order, that is, once they finally arrived.

So I’m taking no chances and moving operations to this nice cool & quiet cottage located in the Piney Wood, well outside the additional heat of the urban sprawl we normally call home.

So while I’m transferring locations, why don’t you go ahead and get started transferring the laughs from today’s issue to you.

Blackbird

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In Memorial We Remember

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Adam West, the actor best known for his performance as television’s Batman in the 1960s, died Friday, June 9, 2017, in Los Angeles, after a short battle with leukemia, according to multiple news sources. He was 88.
  West, a rising star prior to landing the starring role of Batman, saw his life defined forevermore by those three campy years on television. Rather than fight the typecasting that often marked the latter 45 years of his career, however, West ultimately came to embrace it. In doing so, he became a beloved pop culture icon and helped usher in an age in which once-fringe “geek” pastimes have become mainstream.

 

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A Man’s age according to Home Depot!

This is about the way it goes ~~
You are in the middle of some home projects: putting in a new fence, painting the porch, planting some flowers and fixing a broken door lock. You are hot and sweaty, covered with dirt, lawn clippings and paint.  You have your old work clothes on.  You know the outfit — shorts with a hole in the crotch, an old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of these tasks you realize that you need to run to Home Depot for supplies.  Depending on your age you might do one of the following:

In your 20s: Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout line.  And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes.  You married the hot chick so no need for much else.  Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.   Still got it!  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister of someone you went to school with.

In your 40s: Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.  Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brut is almost empty so don’t waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot.  Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.  The hot young thing running the register is your daughter’s age and you feel weird about thinking she’s spicy.

In your 50s: Stop what you are doing.  Put on a hat.  Wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.   Change shoes because you don’t want to get dog crap in your new sports car.  Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember — the hat you have on is from Bubba’s Bait & Beer Bar and it says,  ‘I Got Worms ‘.

In your 60s: Stop what you are doing.  No need for a hat any more.  Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50s.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute but you don’t have your glasses on, so you’re not sure.

In your 70s: Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until you call the drug store to have your prescriptions ready for pick too and check your grocery list for a quick stop there.  Got to save trips!  Don’t even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your privates are hanging out the hole in your crotch… who cares.

In your 80s: Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot.  You go to Wal-Mart instead.  You went to school with the old lady greeter.  You wander around trying to remember what you are looking for. Then you fart out loud and turn around thinking someone called your name.

In your 90s & beyond:

What’s a home deep hoe? 

Something for my garden? 

Where am I? 

Who am I? 

Why am I reading this?
Did I send it? 

Did you? 

Who farted?

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YIPES!

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Jesus loves you…but everyone else thinks you are an ass.

Impotence…Nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings,”

Everyone has a photographic memory …some just don’t have any film.

Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.

I used to have a handle on life…but it broke off.

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

Guys…just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.

If you can read this…I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Try not to let your mind wander…It is too small and fragile to be out by itself.

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DL/LL Digital Media, Lethal Leprechaun and Impish Dragon categorically refuse to accept any responsibility for the consequences of your actions for failing to heed the above warning. Black Lives Matter circular bullshit type logic don’t play here. ALL LIVES MATTER and everyone (of legal age) assumes responsibility for their own actions here.

Now that he lawyers are mollified, last August ( Leprechaun Laughs # 353 for Wednesday August 10th 2016  ) I covered 5 Unique S’more Ideas that were very adult and several notches above those of the Girl Scouts. That was admittedly pretty late in the summer season but hey I post ‘em as I find ‘em.

Fortunately, I found this version much earlier this year and you can make huge batch of these far ahead of time!

S’mores Blossom Cookies

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Peanut butter-chocolate blossom cookies are great, but they’re even better paired with toasted, gooey marshmallows. Serve these at your next summer get-together, no bonfire required.

 

 

Total: 1 hr. 45 min  Active: 30 min  Yield: about 2 dozen cookies  Level: Easy

 

Ingredients

  • 1 cup creamy peanut butter
  • 2/3 cup granulated sugar, plus more for rolling
  • 1/3 cup packed light brown sugar
  • 1/4 teaspoon kosher salt
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
  • 1 large egg
  • 12 marshmallows, cut in half crosswise
  • 24 milk chocolate candies, such as Hershey’s Kisses

Directions:

Position the oven racks in the top and bottom thirds of the oven and preheat to 350 degrees F. Line 2 baking sheets with parchment.

Beat the peanut butter, granulated sugar, light brown sugar and salt, in a large bowl, with an electric mixer on medium-high speed until light and fluffy, about 5 minutes. Beat in the vanilla and egg. 

Put some granulated sugar in a small bowl. Shape scant tablespoons of the dough into balls and roll each ball in the sugar to coat. Evenly space the balls on the prepared baking sheets. Press each ball down with the tines of a fork to flatten it slightly. 

Bake until the bottoms are golden brown, about 10 minutes. Remove from the oven and turn the broiler on. 

Top each cookie with a marshmallow, sticky-side-down, and put 1 baking sheet at a time under the broiler until lightly golden, about 30 seconds. While the marshmallow is still hot, press a chocolate candy into it. Repeat with the remaining baking sheet. Let the cookies cool for a few minutes on the baking sheets, then transfer to a rack to cool completely. The cookies can be stored in an airtight container at room temperature for up to 3 days.

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Batman 1966 – The Batusi

 

Comedic Political Commentary

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Mail

Todays comment is in regard to last weeks Kathy Griffin Editorial Cartoon and comes from Mike who very articulately said:

I have always espoused colloquialisms to describe an event or happening that was unique unto itself until the situation occurs again in another situation.

Let me explain further.

“Jumping the Shark”, describes a point in a serial show, a movie sequence that the writers have run out of topics to keep our interest going. Just as “Nuking the Freezer” has been popular more recently.

Well, I propose that anytime a celeb, pol or athlete does something so stupid as to put their career in jeopardy that will result in its end, should hence forth be known as………

PULLED A GRIFFIN

My most recent thought is Ashley Judd and her rant at the Women March in Washington.  I cannot imagine anyone hiring her for any role in a movie or anything else after she……….

PULLED A GRIFFIN

I’m sure there are a lot more examples out their, but an athlete getting a DUI is bad, that won’t qualify as a……………

PULLED A GRIFFIN

It’s more of a situation where someone who has more of a sense of self worth, than sense.  And their acts have resulted in the end of their careers.

They have

PULLED A GRIFFIN

Well thought out and said sir! 

I would have thought “Pulled a Jane Fonda” but perhaps that should be reserved for those acts that are Unpatriotic/Un-American/borderline Treasonous by the same sort of individuals and damages/destroys their careers (deservedly so).

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Must be the green Giant’s guitar for his Hippy days.

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6 Toed Sammy Ninja Cat Clan’s Office Manager

BallsINTERESTING OBSERVATION (Thanks to Diaman)

 

1.  The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2.   The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is  BOWLING.

3.  The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 . The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5.  The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And…

6.  The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Ergo-

There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

I am reminded of this very old ditty for some reason:

The Night of the King’s Castration

‘Twas the Night of the King’s Castration, and the Queen was having a Ball.
All the counts, viscounts and no-accounts were there.
Even the poor buggers who couldn’t count were in the back row.
“Balls!” cried the Queen. “If I had to, I could be King.”
“Balls!” said the Prince. “I have two but I’m still not King!”
“Balls!” said the Knave. “If I had five, I’d be a pinball machine.”
And the King laughed. Not because he wanted to, but because he had two.

“What Ho?” asked the King.
“Ass ho’!” cried the Knave, and was thrown to the lions.
A lion took a bite of him, and the Knave said, “That tickles”.
“What tickles?” asked the King.
“Testicles!” he replied, and died laughing.

The King returned to the Ball, and asked, “Where’s the Queen?”
“In bed with diphtheria.”
“Diphtheria! That Greek bastard’s back again? Oh, shit!”, cried the king.
And twenty thousand loyal subjects stooped and strained,
for in those days the King’s word was law, and he ruled with an iron hand.

“Where’s the Princess?” someone asked.
“Oh, fuck the Princess!” replied the King.
And fifty thousand loyal subjects were killed in the rush,
for in those days the King’s word was law, he ruled with an iron hand,
and besides, the Princess was a comely wench.

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That’s one of the NKC’s clandestine operatives, Code Name: Velvet Fog, having a drink with a paid informant. Yeah Velvet Fog is notoriously cheap when it comes to paying for information you’re right.

birthday prank

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Ford used to have the Eddie Bauer Edition and has the King Ranch Edition currently, Dodge decided they needed the Fred Flintstone Edition apparently.

Bigger Shillelagh!

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