Dragon Laffs #1527

Dragon Laffs 1

Good Morning Campers,

It’s been a very long, very hard week.  I don’t know about you guys, but I’m really ready.  So, without any further ado…

 

Let's Laugh

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The following questions were set in last year’s GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) GED is Government Equivalency Diploma. (Actually, GED stands for General Educational Development)
 
Q. Name the four seasons A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
 
Q. How is dew formed A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
 
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
 
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
 
Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)
 
Q… What happens to your body as you age A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
 
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
 
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A.. Premature death
 
Q. What is artificial insemination A… When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
 
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
 
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen) A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wtf!)
 
Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie
 
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A.. Nearby
 
Q. What is the most common form of birth control A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)
 
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section’ A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
 
Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
 
Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
 
Q. What does the word ‘benign’ mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
 
Q. What is a turbine? A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)
I am appalled!  If it was even close to true, I’d be flabbergasted as well.
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Speaking of cows, this is either a new twist on an old joke or an old twist on a new joke.  I’m not really sure.  And that’s because my head really isn’t in the game today, but let’s have fun anyway, shall we?

Bud the Montana Cowboy   

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd  in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when  suddenly a brand-new 2015 BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The  driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and  YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly  how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?” 

Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a  yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure,  why not?”

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his  Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Apple i phone, and surfs to a NASA  page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on  his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area  in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo  in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg,  Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his  Apple iPad® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then  accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with  email on his Galaxy S5® and, after a few minutes, receives a  response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color,  150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the  cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take  one of my calves,” says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the  animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk  of his car.

Then Bud says to the young man, “Hey, if I  can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?” 

The young man thinks about it for a second  and then says, “Okay, why not?” 

“You’re a Congressman for the  U.S. Government”, says Bud.   

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but  how did you guess that?” 

“No  guessing required.” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though  nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a  question I never asked. You used millions of dollars’ worth of equipment trying  to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know shit about  how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a  herd of sheep.” 

“Now give me back my dog.”

AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.  

And I’m said to say that it probably isn’t going to get any better any time soon.  Even with the right person (of the two we had to choose from) in office, and a majority in both houses, there are still way too many people in charge who have no idea how REAL people live, what our problems are, what we need….etc.  But, we can always hope.  Or move to a cave, some where.

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dragon pix

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One of my brothers, Rodney Red, got this cool gig posing for this travel agency.  He is now the poster child for Dragon Mountain.  It’s a pretty good gig.  Keeps him out of trouble.

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I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden…
How the hell am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I always just look at my Weather Bug app on my phone, change the location to Sweden, check the weather and then I know if I have to put on my headlights or not.

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movie

Did you know that Google Maps just celebrated its 11th birthday? This YouTube video is comprised of 3,305 screenshots from Google Earth. It looks like a sped-up helicopter tour of our beautiful planet. Is your favorite city included in the roundup? Watch for a magnificent view of several international landmarks.

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner? 
Here  is a little test that will help you decide.

The answer can  be found by posing the following question: 

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges at you…

You are carrying  a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your  family.

What do you do?

THINK  CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL  DOWN:

Which of the following most closely matches your answer?


Democrat’s Answer:

  • Well, that’s not enough information to answer the question!
  • What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
  • Does the man look poor or oppressed?
  • Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
  • Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
  • Could we run away?
  • What does my wife think?
  • What about the kids?
  • Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
  • What does the law say about this situation?
  • Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
  • Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
  • Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me?
  • Does he definitely want to kill me, or would  he be content just to wound me?
  • If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing  me?
  • Should I call 9-1-1?
  • Why is this street so deserted?
  • We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
  • Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior?
  • I  need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
  • This is all so confusing!

Republican’s Answer:

BANG!

Southerner’s  Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!  BANG!

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click….. (Sounds of reloading)

BANG!  BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

BANG!

Click

Daughter: ‘Nice grouping, Daddy!’  ‘Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?!

Son: ‘Can I shoot the next one?!’

Wife: ‘You ain’t taking that to the Taxidermist!

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This is an old joke that has been around for a long time…but it is funny as hell, and if you have never seen it, then you are in for a treat.

A Hell of a Test

The following is an actual bonus question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by an exceptional young man.  The answer by this student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
 
Bonus Question:  Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat). 
 
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.  
 
One student, however, wrote the following: 
 
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. We need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.  
 
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not ever leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let us look at the different religions in the world today. Most religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
 
 
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
 
 
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
 
This gives two possibilities: 
 
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 
 
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
 
So which is it? 
 
If we accept the postulate given to me by Louise during my Freshman year that ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
 
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is, therefore, extinct…..leaving only Heaven,  thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Louise kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’  
 
This student received an A+. 

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And here’s a great golf joke especially for my dad.

Golfing in Heaven

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
 
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.
 
St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks during your first three months here.
 
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The ducks?

“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they’re all quacking to beat the band It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.
 
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who hit the duck? The guy who had done it admitted, “I did. St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the
ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for
eternity.The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.” The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn’t hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman – the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
 
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, “I wonder what I did to deserve this?
 
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
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A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.

“Just act surprised and tell them you didn’t think that they were old enough to remember them.”
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Does it surprise anybody that the boat is based out of Jersey?

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motivational

CaffeineIrish Special ForcesMondaymondaysmondays2Money

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There should be one line at every store for people who have their shit together.

Groan

You are going to hate yourself after this one…or you’re going to hate me, one or the other.

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, “Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?”
Abe replies,”I don’t know, let’s ask our waiter.”

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”

 
The waiter says, “I don’t know senor, I ask the cooks.
He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, “No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews.”
 
Abe isn’t satisfied and asks, “Are you absolutely sure?”
 
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with “Gringos” replies, “I check once again, senor,” and goes back into the kitchen.
 
While the waiter is away, Si d says, “I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere.”
 
The waiter returns and says, “Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews.”
 
“Are you certain?” Abe asks again. “I just can’t believe there are no Mexican Jews!”
 
“Senor, I ask EVERYONE,” replies the exasperated waiter.  “All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews.”
I warned you.
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That’s it for today my friends..

CheersImpish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 379 for Wednesday Feb 15th 2017

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Well the groundhog apparently knew what he was talking about, at least that is for the Northern half the country, particularly in the Northeast.  No sooner  had he prognosticated 6 more weeks of winter, than they get hit by 3 snow events in 4 day and one of those a blizzard, and mind you not the kind you get from DQ! Last night and today will see them getting some additional snow on top od all that.

I’m guessing that Phil Groundhog Steak sandwiches are on more than on menu list in the Northeast.

Mean while here in Texas the story is more like this:

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We’ve broken high temp records twice in the last 10 days and our temp seems like its fond of bungee jumping.

ANYWAY I’m late finishing this up, behind on  a ton of the ‘real word’ business work and stuff I have to do to pay something Molly calls ‘the bills’, so I’ll let you get to it.

Skate

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ONLY 12 cups? Pfffht! Amateur!

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As if that isn’t bad enough its Maxwell House swill besides!

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Oh SURE! He doesn’t remember anything else without constant reminders, but he can remember I said that to him!

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…or talks about sports teams-

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Woman who wrote brutal obit says she meant every word

Friday, February 10, 2017 10:17PM

GALVESTON COUNTY (KTRK) —

An obituary for a Galveston County man has gone viral, but not because of the kind words written about his life.
ORIGINAL REPORT: Galveston man’s obituary: ‘his life served no obvious purpose’

“I told the truth. I am not sorry for telling the truth, and I am not sorry for standing up for myself,” explained Sheila Smith.

Smith’s father, Leslie Ray Charping, died of cancer last month. But he wasn’t a good man. He served time in prison and was, by several accounts, both physically and verbally abusive. So, Smith wrote a scathing obituary for her father, calling him evil and offensive.

“For someone that knew him and family members that knew him and to see something on there was a complete lie would’ve been an insult to everyone that he did bad things to,” Smith explained. “I couldn’t write that in good conscience because it’s not going to bring closure to anyone or to myself.”

The obituary has been so popular it even crashed the funeral home’s website.
Smith has received thousands of positive and negative reactions.

“When you don’t talk about it and you don’t acknowledge the problem even exists, it just grows,” she said. “It’s not going to stop until people say, ‘this is a problem’ and they talk about it.

In case you were wondering, Smith is paying for her father’s cremation.
Charping didn’t have any insurance.

You can read the obituary here:

Leslie Ray “Popeye” Charping was born in Galveston on November 20, 1942 and passed away January 30, 2017, which was 29 years longer than expected and much longer than he deserved. Leslie battled with cancer in his latter years and lost his battle, ultimately due to being the horses ass he was known for. He leaves behind 2 relieved children; a son Leslie Roy Charping and daughter, Shiela Smith along with six grandchildren and countless other victims including an ex wife, relatives, friends, neighbors, doctors, nurses and random strangers.

At a young age, Leslie quickly became a model example of bad parenting combined with mental illness and a complete commitment to drinking, drugs, womanizing and being generally offensive. Leslie enlisted to serve in the Navy, but not so much in a brave & patriotic way but more as part of a plea deal to escape sentencing on criminal charges. While enlisted, Leslie was the Navy boxing champion and went on to sufficiently embarrass his family and country by spending the remainder of his service in the Balboa Mental Health Hospital receiving much needed mental healthcare services.

Leslie was surprisingly intelligent, however he lacked ambition and motivation to do anything more than being reckless, wasteful, squandering the family savings and fantasizing about get rich quick schemes. Leslie’s hobbies included being abusive to his family, expediting trips to heaven for the beloved family pets and fishing, which he was less skilled with than the previously mentioned. Leslie’s life served no other obvious purpose, he did not contribute to society or serve his community and he possessed no redeeming qualities besides quick whited sarcasm which was amusing during his sober days.

With Leslie’s passing he will be missed only for what he never did; being a loving husband, father and good friend. No services will be held, there will be no prayers for eternal peace and no apologies to the family he tortured. Leslie’s remains will be cremated and kept in the barn until “Ray”, the family donkey’s wood shavings run out. Leslie’s passing proves that evil does in fact die and hopefully marks a time of healing and safety for all.

Charping also had a handful of run-ins with the law, according to Harris County court records. His first conviction dates back to 1979, when he pleaded guilty to assault.

He also pleaded guilty in 2008 to assaulting a family member by pouring hot liquid on his then-wife of 40 years. The next year he pleaded guilty to violating the resulting restraining order by calling another family member and threatening to kill her.

ALL in all it seems he’s is (was) proof of the fact that only the good die young. The evil (as well apparently as Chuck Norris) seeming live for ever (abet for different reasons- Death is just scared to tell Chuck he’s dead)

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Really wish I had had this next one for last weeks “It’s Not About Left or Right, It’s About Right or Wrong” section, it would have made a great ending thought graphic.

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Liberals are brainwashing your children in school. To combat this Conservatives are apparently trying to get to the children first-

 

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Molly’s family and Facebook must be chock full of “news-aggregators then.

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and here’s the dumb shit now!

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hilarious_ikea_fails_we_can_all_relate_to_18photos3_1486421823

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Well that’s all for this week folks! See you next time.

Shenanigator

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Happy Birthday Diaman!

happy-birthday-balloons-1403407

Today is Diaman’s birthday!  We want her to know that we haven’t forgotten her, that we haven’t ignored her and that we wish her the very best of happy days.

You are in our hearts and our thoughts.  Have a great day.

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1526

Dragon Laffs 2

Campers

Well, another Saturday is here and here we all are again.  I love meeting you guys here every week. 

Just trolling around the internet the other night I found this fantastic commercial.  And I HAVE to share it with you.  I hope you find it as good as I did…

Wasn’t that cool?  As a person who has spent significant time away from family and friends in support of our country, I have to tell you that given an opportunity like the one presented here would have been literally amazing. 

 

Let's Laugh

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Can you turn this pyramid upside down in 3 moves?

Here’s a fun little game you can play with your kids and grandkids this weekend. At first, it seems like there’s no easy way to accomplish this task, but you’ll be shocked when you see the solution!

The puzzle goes like this: Using 10 coins, stack them into a pyramid with one coin on the top, working your way down to four.

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Once the pyramid is set up, challenge the kids (or yourself!) to reverse the pyramid by only moving three coins. To get the right answer, you should wind up with a triangle that’s now pointing down.

Do you know which coins you need to move?  Scroll down and watch the video to see if you were correct.

arrow down 9

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In celebration of last weeks Super Bowl, where one of the main topics of conversation was the deflating of footballs by New England in order to win.  Also known as friggin’ CHEATING!!!

But we are actually going to take the opposite point and show you some footballs that are OVER inflated.

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Oh!  Those are the good ones!  I hate the bone-in ones.

Dragon Pic

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I really, really hate being woken up in the middle of the night by some silly spell caster who thinks he can control me or in some other way use me.  I usually just eat them.

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A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said, “I want to be a movie star.”

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years…you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER……The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

 
He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
 
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
 
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
 
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
 
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

long way to go

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Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.  Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.  But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously  demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.”
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.”
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,  “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old  man  looked down at the floor, then smiled.  He chuckled quietly, then said with a  grin,
“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?” 
10  I really gotta get some of these printed out.

Fantasy

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So, Ginny sent me this quick little note about her and Paul:  He said there was no spark between us anymore.  So I tasered him!!!  I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.
Poor guy.  I kinda feel sorry for him.

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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation….

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals sunglasses,etc.
 
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn’t help but stare.

 

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’
‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ 



She replied,’Father, it’s me, — Sister Kathleen.

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Politics

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This is one of my biggest fears and Diaman and Ginny hit it right on the head…
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Knowing my luck, I’d end up with a gecko hip and start talking like that one from Geico.

The Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.  After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today?  We will have a good time.” 

But, there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.  The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey in there!  Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”

(You are going to love this and then you are so going to hate me!)

This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time!  I’m putting my shoes on!”

I told you, you’d hate me.

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But, for those of us who’ve married for a while … it’s a piece of cake.

I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota
near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the
snow is nearly waist high and is still falling..
The temperature is dropping and is at about 15 degrees (F) and the
north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.
He said that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her
in………

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Motivational

mission Failed

Mistakes

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modern warfare

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Monday morning commute

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If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but ‘he tells it like it is’ without cursing. This is funny….and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please let me die …. Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day …. he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

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Last Word

Tuesday is Valentine’s Day and in celebration, here’s some Valentine’s Day funnies

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Lethal sent this pad to me as a special Valentine’s gift.  I’m really not sure how to take it.   But it is a funny pad.  And a nice and useful gift. 

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One of my favorites and it has gotten me quite a few Valentine dates.

Valentine’s Day, also called Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine,[1] is an annual holiday celebrated on February 14. It originated as a Western Christian liturgical feast day honoring one or more early saints named Valentinus, and is recognized as a significant cultural and commercial celebration in many regions around the world, although it is not a public holiday in any country.

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Several martyrdom stories associated with the various Valentines that were connected to February 14 were added to later martyrologies,[2] including a popular hagiographical account of Saint Valentine of Rome which indicated he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire.[3] According to legend, during his imprisonment, Saint Valentine healed the daughter of his jailer, Asterius,[4] and before his execution, he wrote her a letter signed “Your Valentine” as a farewell.[5]

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The day first became associated with romantic love within the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the 14th century, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. In 18th-century England, it evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines“). In Europe, Saint Valentine’s Keys are given to lovers “as a romantic symbol and an invitation to unlock the giver’s heart”, as well as to children, in order to ward off epilepsy (called Saint Valentine’s Malady).[6] Valentine’s Day symbols that are used today include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have given way to mass-produced greeting cards.[7]

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Saint Valentine’s Day is an official feast day in the Anglican Communion,[8] as well as in the Lutheran Church.[9] Many parts of the Eastern Orthodox Church also celebrate Saint Valentine’s Day, albeit on July 6 and July 30, the former date in honor of the Roman presbyter Saint Valentine, and the latter date in honor of Hieromartyr Valentine, the Bishop of Interamna (modern Terni).[10]

 

Cheers

Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 378 for Wednesday Feb 8th 2017

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Morning Folks!

Just finishing off the last of the Guinness from Sunday with me breakfast- OK! So you caught me! I’m having the last pint o’ Guinness FOR breakfast.

I’ve had a permanent head (arse?) ache ever since Impish woke up post Super Bowl and started moaning and I’m hoping this along with a strong dose of analgesics plus some noise canceling headphones will ease it somewhat before I start thinking about putting Impish out of my misery.

Yes the Patriots won the Super Bowel but I’m not proud bragging or gloating about it. Frankly in my estimation they didn’t deserve the win the Falcons did. From where I was sitting they came out of the locker room for the coin toss choking. What is it with Massachusetts teams and choking anyway?

Moving right along. we’ve a very full issue for you today with lots of laughs, some very important Recall Notices, the busting of a new Urban Myth meant to screw consumers and a pretty good message for all those spoiled liberals who are still invoking their inner three year old to throw tantrums over Trumps win after eight long agonizing years of suffering Obama. On top of all that is the story of what started this headache of mine.

So sit back sip & nosh what you got and enjoy!

Lets Roll-99

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Don’t mind Impish folks- he’s just still a bit under the weather from Super Bowl Sunday.  See I knew he’d raise a continual ruckus over not being allowed to attend the True Believers in the New England Patriots Super Bowl Party hosted by none other than yours truly.

If not invited he’d have been banging incessantly on the door whining about how this was unfair or texting me every time another round of hot munchies made it way from the kitchen to the party under armed guard. He’d also threatened to fly to the top of the mountain and park his wide load of a backside directly in front of the satellite dish.

If I allowed him to attend the party, he’d never cease talking, not watch the game instead spending his time alternately between grazing the snack bar and growling at those who sought sustenance from “his” snacks.

Highly annoyed with him I offered him the weekend on a private island in Leprechonia. Sensing that I was getting extremely put out with him he declined out of fear that private island might turn out to be Crab Cay again.

Clearly I had to do something, otherwise I’d never even be able to host a 4 year old mud cake tea party again. Then I hit on a plan. Sunday Impish presented himself at the party door and hour before start time giving me  his ultimatum. Allow him into the party or he was prepared to spend the day napping in front of the satellite dish tail swatting it into oblivion if I sent CyberLethals to evict him.

That when I sprung my plan on him. I told him that if he came to the party he’d have to share his 100# Rotisserie Steamship Round of Buffalo (medium rare) as well as his Peachcombers.

Now we all know how much Impish loves his Peachcombers as well as how little he like sharing anything that’s “his”.  I then showed his a 50 gallon plastic drum which had been decorated as a giant pineapple, replete with an actually multicolored gold umbrella doing the part of a drink umbrella. Just to push it over the top protruding from the drum was several yards for the clear reinforced hose they use for beverage dispensers looped in crazy whorls and knots. I told him this was a dragon sized Crazy Straw. Impish was hooked, immediately crooning to the barrel calling his his precious all the while hauling it off carefully so as not to spill a drop.

What I might have forgotten to mention to him was that the barrel actually contained 45 gallons of Peachcombers and 5 gallons of !51 proof rum on top of the alcohol already in the Peachcombers! Half an hour later as the guest started arriving all that could be heard of Impish was a soft snoring interspersed with the occasional belch as he woke up long enough to take another dragon sized sip.

He was so dead to the world he completely failed to even notice I appropriated 15# of his Buffalo (from the un-dragon-gnawed side of the steamship round) for Buffalo Philly Cheese Steaks! The downside to this was the 48 hour Dagon sized hangover the entire staff suffered through and the fact today he seems (as you can tell from his comments above) perpetually stuck in low gear.

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Damned Dragon moaning all night long! Who can get any sleep?

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Everyone Freak Out! America Is Running Low On Bacon

Pig farmers can’t keep up with the overwhelming supply for frozen pork belly

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Look, we’ll get through this. You’re willing to pony up a couple extra bucks to get your bacon fix, right? So long as you pay, the farmers will have your back. “While bacon may become more expensive for consumers, rest assured [the] pork industry will not run out of supply,” Deaton told USA Today.

And the bacon nation breathed a collective sigh of relief.

We don’t have to spend many words extolling the virtues of bacon, but here are some anyway: Bacon is crispy. Bacon is chewy. Sometimes it’s thick-cut, sometimes it’s thin, sometimes it’s smoky, but all the times it’s a party in your mouth. We wouldn’t go so crazy over bacon if it didn’t also pack some nutritional punch: One strip contains just 44 calories and nearly 3 grams of protein, per the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA), so you can—and should—use bacon to add loads of flavor to lots of foods.  But sound the bacon alarm, because we may have a bit of a crisis on our hands. According to USA Today, the country’s bacon reserves have hit the lowest levels in 50 years.

Hard as they try, the nation’s pig farmers can’t keep up with the overwhelming demand for frozen pork belly. “Today’s pig farmers are setting historic records by producing more pigs than ever,” Rich Deaton, president of the Ohio Pork Council, told USA Today. “Yet our reserves are still depleting.” The national frozen pork belly inventory in December 2016 was 17.8 million pounds—the lowest level in half a century, per the USDA. That means prices are on the rise, and you know who you can blame? Our fellow bacon lovers from faraway lands. The Ohio Pork Council says increased foreign demand may account for the drop in inventory, as hog farmers export more than a quarter of all total productions.

OK you all in full blown panic mode right now? You (very few) savvy investor types calling your brokers or day trading yourselves into Pork Belly Futures?

Well STOP! Take a deep breath (and smell the bacon), this isn’t like the coffee shortage problem I reported last year which is real. This is simply a matter of Pig Farmers taking after their product and being “Pigs for Profits”.

Don’t panic, there’s not going to be a bacon shortage

Posted 5:59 pm, February 1, 2017, by Anica Padilla,

Updated at 06:18PM, February 1, 2017

WASHINGTON — A recent report from the U.S. Department of Agriculture sparked major anxiety among bacon aficionados.

According to the report, the amount of frozen pork bellies in storage fell to about 17.7 million pounds last month, the lowest December inventory since the USDA started keeping records in 1957. That’s down more than 35 million pounds from December 2015.

Adding grease to the fire, the Ohio Pork Council created a website called Baconshortage.com.

USA Today, Forbes, NBC and Men’s Health ran panic-inducing headlines, including:

Nation’s bacon reserves hit 50-year low as prices rise

The Looming Disaster Of A US Bacon Shortage

Now It’s Getting Serious: 2017 Could See a Bacon Shortage

Everyone Freak Out! America Is Running Low On Bacon

But there’s no need to panic. Representatives from the pork industry say they are confident they can keep up with demand and there won’t be any serious shortages.

“To imply that there’s going to be some shortage of bacon is wrong,” Steve Meyer, vice president of port analysis for EMI Analytics, told The New York Times. “There’s plenty of hogs coming. There’s going to be plenty of bacon.”

Rich Deaton, the president of the Ohio Pork Council, told the Times that Baconshortage.com was a marketing tool.

“We can’t control how the news is interpreted,” Deaton told The Times. “The demand is high and us pig farmers, not only in Ohio but throughout the U.S., have risen to the occasion and are going to meet that demand.”

So as far as this story goes (thanks to Paul K9 for semi freaking out and sending it to me):

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Well ok technically in this case its more like pig shit, but of the 2, trust me, you’ll prefer the scent of bullshit hands down.

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Attention

PSA Recall

RECALL: Power Adapters for Tablets

Barnes & Noble recalls power adapters sold with NOOK Tablet 7 due to shock hazard

Posted on February 5, 2017.

Name of product:  NOOK Tablet 7″

Hazard:
The power adapter casing can break when plugged into an electrical outlet, exposing its metal prongs, posing an electric shock hazard.

Remedy:  Replace

Consumer Contact:
Barnes & Noble toll-free at 877-886-5025 from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m. ET, Monday through Friday, or 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. ET on Saturday and Sunday, or online at http://www.barnesandnoble.com and click on “Product Recalls” listed at the bottom of the page.

Units:  About 147,000

Description:
This recall involves the black power adapter sold with the NOOK Tablet 7″. The adapter bears markings: model number TPA-95A050100UU, manufacture date 201610. The NOOK Tablet 7″ model number BNTV450 is located on the back of the NOOK.

Incidents/Injuries:
Barnes & Noble has received four reports of the power adapter breaking or pulling apart exposing the metal prongs. No injuries have been reported.

Remedy:
Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled power adapters and register online for a free replacement adapter along with a Barnes & Noble $5 gift card. Once registered, consumers will be able to print a pre-paid UPS label to return the recalled adapters to Barnes & Noble. Consumers will receive replacement adapters in the mail. Until a replacement adapter is received, consumers are advised to charge their NOOK Tablet 7″ through their computer using a USB cable.

Sold At:
Barnes & Noble stores and online at http://www.barnesandnoble.com from November 2016 to January 2017 for about $50.

Importer(s):  Barnes & Noble, Inc., of New York

Manufactured In:  China

RECALL: Nightlights

Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Recalls Mickey Mouse Nightlights Due to Fire Hazard

Recall date: February 2, 2017

Recall number: 17-081

Name of product:  Happy Holidays! Mickey Mouse Nightlights

Hazard:  Liquid from the nightlight can leak onto the electrical outlet, posing a fire hazard.

Remedy:  Refund

Consumer Contact:
Walt Disney Parks and Resorts US, Inc. toll-free at 844-722-1444 from 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. ET Monday through Friday, or online at http://www.disneyparks.com and click on “Safety Recall” at the bottom of the page for more information.

Units:   About 3,000

Description:
This recall involves the Happy Holidays! Mickey Mouse Nightlight with a Mickey Mouse face and red and white Santa hat filled with liquid and glitter. The date code FAC # 019808-16150 is printed on the bottom rear of the nightlight. The UPC code, 400009489637, is printed on a sticker on the bottom of the product packaging.

Incidents/Injuries:
Walt Disney Parks and Resorts have received two reports of incidents, including one electrical fire. No injuries have been reported.

Remedy:
Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled nightlights and contact Walt Disney Parks and Resorts US, Inc. for instructions on returning them for a full refund.

Sold Exclusively At:
Walt Disney World Resort in Lake Buena Vista, Fla., Disneyland? Resort in Anaheim, Calif., Shop Disney Parks mobile app, and online at DisneyStore.com from July 2016 through November 2016 for about $15.

Importer(s):
Disney Destinations, LLC, d/b/a Disney Theme Park Merchandise, of Lake Buena Vista, Fla.

Manufactured In:   China

RECALL: Dog Food

Evanger’s Voluntarily Recalls Hunk of Beef Because Of Pentobarbital Exposure in one Batch of Food

February 3, 2017

Contact

Consumers

Evangers Dog & Cat Food Co
1-847-537-0102

Announcement

Out of an abundance of caution, Evanger’s Dog & Cat Food of Wheeling, IL is voluntarily recalling specific lots of its Hunk of Beef product because of a potential contaminant Pentobarbital, which was detected in one lot of Hunk of Beef Au Jus. Pentobarbital can affect animals that ingest it, and possibly cause side effects such as drowsiness, dizziness, excitement, loss of balance, or nausea, or in extreme cases, possibly death.

The specifically-identified lot numbers (as detailed below) of cans of 12-oz. Hunk of Beef being voluntarily recalled were distributed to retail locations and sold online in the following States: Washington, California, Minnesota, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida, and were manufactured the week of June 6 – June 13, 2016.

Although pentobarbital was detected in a single lot, Evangers is voluntarily recalling Hunk of Beef products that were manufactured the same week, with lot numbers that start with 1816E03HB, 1816E04HB, 1816E06HB, 1816E07HB, and 1816E13HB, and have an expiration date of June 2020. The second half of the barcode reads 20109, which can be found on the back of the product label.

The subject recall affects 5 lots of food that were produced from its supplier’s lot of beef, which is specifically used for the Hunk of Beef product and no other products. To date, it has been reported that five dogs became ill and 1 of the five dogs passed away after consuming the product with lot number 1816E06HB13. Evanger’s is proactively issuing a recall voluntarily so as not to risk potential exposure to pentobarbital in the product.

All Evanger’s suppliers of meat products are USDA approved. This beef supplier provides us with beef chunks from cows that are slaughtered in a USDA facility. We continue to investigate how this substance entered our raw material supply.

Because we source from suppliers of meat products that are USDA approved, and no other products have had any reported problems, we are not extending the recall to other supplier lots. This is the first recall for Evanger’s in its 82 years of manufacturing. Although it has been verified that little or no product remains on store shelves, if consumers still have cans with the aforementioned lot numbers, he or she should return it to the place of purchase for a full refund. Consumers with questions may contact the company at 1-847-537-0102 between 10:00 AM – 5:00 PM Central Time, Monday – Friday.

RECALL: Pimento Spread

Ruth’s Salad Charlotte NC is Recalling Ruth’s Original Pimento Spread 7 oz. Because of Possible Health Risk. May Contain Listeria Monocytogenes

February 2, 2017

Contact

Consumers

Bill Rudisill
brudisill@ruthsalad.com
800-532-0409
864-616-4504

Announcement

Charlotte, NC Ruth’s Salads is undertaking a recall of Ruth’s Original Pimento Spread in 7oz plastic containers. The product has the potential to be contaminated with Listeria Monocytogenes.

Consumers who have purchased this 7 oz. Ruth’s Original Pimento Spread with the Lot #16, Sell By Date 4/30/2017 are urged to return the product to the place of purchase for a full refund.

The contamination was discovered during random testing by the NC Department of Agriculture. Consumers with questions may contact the company at 800-532-0409 between the hours of 7AM and 3 PM Monday-Friday. After hours, consumers may leave a message and your call will be returned as soon as possible.

Listeria monocytogenes is an organism that can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. Although healthy individuals may suffer only short-term symptoms such as high fever, severe headache, stiffness, nausea, abdominal pain and diarrhea, listeria infections can cause miscarriages and stillbirths among pregnant women.

No illnesses have been reported to date in connection with this problem.

The recalled product was distributed in grocery stores in NC, SC, GA, and parts of Virginia and Tennessee.

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Impish will be reminded of this in a few weeks. Keep an eye on the news they’ll be reporting a blue moon in Miami County Indiana when it happens.

 

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Every now and then  we come across a story, a feat, an event that just makes us stop in our tracks.  This was one for me.

Cody Green was a 12-year boy in Indiana who was diagnosed with leukemia at 22 months of age. Cody loved the Marines, and his parents said he drew strength and courage from the Marine Corps. as he bravely fought the battle into remission three times. Although he was cancer-free at the time, the chemotherapy had lowered his immune system and he developed a fungus infection that attacked his brain.

Two weeks ago, as he struggled to fend off that infection in the hospital, the Marines wanted to show how much they respected his will to live, his strength, honor and courage. They presented Cody with Marine navigator wings and named him an honorary member of the United States Marine Corps.

For one Marine, that wasn’t enough … so that night, before Cody Green passed away, he took it upon himself to stand guard at Cody’s hospital door all night long, 8 hours straight.

Nowhere on the face of this planet is there a country as blessed as we to have men and women such as this.

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With 6 more weeks of winter on tap I just had to run this one!

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Unless you’re Lady Gaga, a Kardashian, Jenner or Kanye West then PLEASE fall off the face of the planet and never return!

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That’s why we have separate bathrooms in Keebler Towers!

being happy

 

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The Angry Man

For all the interest group pandering that shapes modern American politics, the group that may well have decided the election has come down to the demographic of “The Angry Man.”

The Angry Man is difficult to stereotype. He comes from all economic backgrounds, from dirt-poor to filthy rich. He represents all geographic areas in America , from sophisticated urbanite to rural redneck, Deep South to Yankee North, Left Coast to Eastern Seaboard.
No matter where he’s from, Angry Men share many common traits; they aren’t asking for anything from anyone other than the promise to be able to make their own way on a level playing field. In many cases, they are independent businessmen and employ several people. They pay more than their share of taxes and they work hard. Damn hard, for what they have and intend to keep.

He’s used to picking up the tab, whether it’s the Christmas party for the employees at his company, three sets of braces, college educations or a beautiful wedding or two. Not because he was forced to, but because it’s the right thing to do.

The Angry Man believes the Constitution should be interpreted as it was written. It is not as a “living document” open to the whims and vagaries of appointed judges and political winds.

The Angry Man owns firearms, and he’s willing to pick up a gun and use it in defense of his home, his country and his family. He is willing to lay down his life to defend the freedom and safety of others, and the thought of killing someone if necessary to achieve those goals gives him only momentary pause.

The Angry Man is not, and never will be, a victim. Nobody like him drowned in Hurricane Katrina. He got his people together and got the hell out. Then, he went back in to rescue those who needed help or were too stupid to help themselves in the first place. He was selfless in this, just as often a civilian as a police officer, a National Guard soldier or a volunteer firefighter. Victimhood syndrome buzzwords; “disenfranchised,” “marginalized” and “voiceless” don’t resonate with The Angry Man. “Press ‘one’ for English” is a curse-word to him.

His last name, his race and his religion don’t matter. His ancestry might be Italian, English, African, Polish, German, Slavic, Irish, Russian, Hispanic or any of a hundred others. What does matter is that he considers himself in every way to be an American. He is proud of this country and thinks that if you aren’t, you are whole-heartedly encouraged to find one that suits you and move there.

The Angry Man is usually a man’s man. The kind of guy who likes to play poker, watch football, go hunting, play golf, maintain his own vehicles and build things. He coaches kid’s baseball, soccer and football and doesn’t ask for a penny. He’s the kind of guy who can put an addition on his house with a couple of friends, drill an oil well, design a factory or work the land. He can fill a train with 100,000 tons of coal and get it to the power plant so that you can keep the lights on while never knowing everything it took to do that. The Angry Man is the backbone of this country.

He’s not racist, but is truly disappointed and annoyed, when people exhibit behavior that typifies the worst stereotypes of their ethnicity. He’s willing to give everybody a fair chance if they’re willing to work hard and play by the rules. He expects other people to do the same. Above all, he has integrity in everything he does.

The Angry Man votes, and he loathes the dysfunction now rampant in government. It’s the victim groups being pandered to and the “poor me” attitude that they represent. The inability of politicians to give a straight answer to an honest question. The tax dollars that are given to people who simply don’t want to do anything for themselves. The fact that, because of very real consequences, he must stay within a budget but for some obscure reason the government he finances doesn’t. Mostly, it’s the blatantly arrogant attitude displayed implying that we are too stupid to run our own lives and only people in government are smart enough to do that.

The Angry Man has reached his limit. When a social justice agitator goes on TV, leading some rally for Black Lives Matter, safe spaces or other such nonsense, he may bite his tongue but, he remembers. When a child gets charged with carrying a concealed weapon for mistakenly bringing a penknife to school, he takes note of who the local idiots are in education and law enforcement.

But when government officials are repeatedly caught red-handed breaking the law and getting off scot-free, The Angry Man balls-up his fists and readies himself for the coming fight. He knows that this fight, will be a live or die situation, so he prepares fully. Make no mistake, this is a fight in which he is not willing to lose and he will never give up.

Obama calls him a Clinger
Hillary Calls him Deplorable
Bill calls him Redneck                       
Black Lives Matter calls him a Racist
Feminists calls him Sexist
ISIS calls him an Infidel

Donald Trump calls him an American

Impish and I call him (and her) a DragonLaffs reader!

 

I was wracking my brain trying to find the words to express my thoughts and feelings about this Angry Man piece. Then I found the following in my Inbox and realized it dove tailed nicely with the above and expresses it far better than I could even if I spent all the time between now (Thursday Feb 2nd 2 PM) and midnight next Tuesday (posting time) try to find the words.

I did not check and see if this it was correctly attributed (which I’m fairly certain it isn’t) as shown because frankly, in this instance I don’t really care. The words sentiment and message are spot on regardless of whomever wrote it.

This is a great summary of what just happened with the US Election.

  “US” by Paul Genova

(Mr. Paul Genova has been President and Chief Operating Officer of Wireless Telecom Group Inc. since June 30, 2016. Prior to that Mr. Genova served as the Chief Executive Officer of Wireless Telecom Group Inc. from November 16, 2009 to June 30, 2016)

I haven’t said too much about this election since the start….but this is how I feel….
I’m noticing that a lot of you aren’t graciously accepting the fact that your candidate lost. In fact you seem to be posting even more hateful things about those of us who voted for Trump.

Some of you are apparently “triggered” because you are posting how “sick” you feel about the results. How did this happen you ask? Well here is how it happened!

You created “us” when you attacked our freedom of speech.

You created “us” when you attacked our right to bear arms.

You created “us” when you attacked our Christian beliefs.

You created “us” when you constantly referred to us as racists.

You created “us” when you constantly called us xenophobic.

You created “us” when you told us to get on board or get   out of  the way.

You created “us” when you attacked our flag.

You created “us” when you took God out of our schools.

You created “us” when you confused women’s rights with feminism.

You created “us” when you began to emasculate men.

You created “us” when you decided to make our children soft.

You created “us” when you decided to vote for progressive ideals.

You created “us” when you attacked our way of life.

You created “us” when you decided to let our government get out of control.

You created “us” the silent majority.

You created “us” when you began murdering innocent law enforcement officers.

You created “us” when you lied and said we could keep our insurance plans and our doctors.

You created “us” when you allowed our jobs to continue to leave our country.

You created “us” when you took a knee, or stayed seated or didn’t remove your hat during our National Anthem.

You created “us” when you forced us to buy health care and then financially penalized us for not participating.

When we became fed up, we pushed back and spoke up.

And we did it with ballots, not bullets.

With ballots, not riots.

With ballots, not looting.

With ballots, not blocking traffic.

With  ballots, not fires, except the one you started inside of “us”

“YOU” created “US”.  It really is just that simple.

I think you’ll agree with me that this represents  most of “US”.  –AND IT WAS DEFINITELY TIME !!!!                     

Actually, 4 years past high time from where I sit.

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