Dragon Laffs #1603

Header1603

Good Morning Campers,

So, I’ve noticed that many, many of you are having the same “not Spring” weather that we are having here at DL & LL Enterprises.  Well, I figured out what it is!  I solved it!  But, I’m not sure what I can do about it.  So, here’s the situation:

15

IT’S A FRIGGIN’ I.T. PROBLEM!!! 

Now doesn’t that just figure…

And on top of all that, this is what I have at work…

16a

So, after all this factual information, everybody please stand and join me and let’s all shout it out together…

coollogo_com-13940615

Let's Laugh 4

4368

A teacher asked her class, “What is sex?”

Johnny got up and said, “Sex is a ‘temptation’ caused by a ‘sensation’ where a boy sticks his ‘location’ into a girl’s ‘destination’ to increase the ‘population’ of the next ‘generation’.  Did you get my ‘explanation’ or do you need a ‘demonstration’?

The teacher fainted.

4369

Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom.”

Husband: “Next time take the car, silly.”

He’s recovering nicely in the hospital.

4370

 

Flu
What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For bird flu you need tweetment and for swine flu you need oinkment.

Flu Season
There is only one thing worse then the flu season … The tax season. You can recover from the flu.

4371

 

Couples who have lived together a long time have their own way of communicating.
A woman overheard her aunt and uncle one day, “What are you looking for in that closet?” she asked.
“Nothing,” he snapped.
“Well, it’s not in there. Look under the bed.”

4372
A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”
“Really,” he said, “have you tried mouthwash?”
rimshot

 

4373
My daughter Michelle is the commander of a Coast Guard Cutter. When she gave my husband Bob a tour of her ship, he was impressed by the neatness of all decks.
However, when Bob went to Michelle’s house with her, he couldn’t believe the disorganization. “Why is everything in its place on your ship,” he asked, “but your house is such a mess?”
“My house,” Michelle said, “does not take 30-degree rolls.”

4374
A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to choke a horse.
“I’ll be right back with some water,” the doctor tells him.
The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience. He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.
The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. “Ok, after the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes.”

4375
A park ranger in the Everglades was making his rounds a couple of summers ago when a woman came bolting out of the weeds right in front of his truck. She seemed frantic and he finally got her calm enough to say that her five- year-old son was sitting on the back of an alligator.
Now the ranger was frantic. Running in the direction she was pointing he found the lad astride a twelve foot male alligator which was trying to relieve itself of its load by twisting and snapping. As the brave ranger moved in he tried to console the mother by saying, “I think I can grab the boy and move away before the gator moves. Be ready to grab your son. I may have to shoot the gator”
To which the lady replies “Good Heavens, no! Don’t shoot him. I just wanted you to make him hold still for a minute so I could take my son’s picture on his back.”
4376
“This house,” said the real estate salesman, “has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about both.
The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north.”
“What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.
“The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

4377
Although this married couple enjoyed their new fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, “Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore and dock it.”
So she drove the boat to shore.
Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, “Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I’m having a heart attack and set the table, cook dinner and wash the dishes.”

4380
A lawyer walks into his client’s death row cell and says, “I’ve got good news, and bad news for you.. ” The prisoner says. ” Okay. What’s the bad news? ” “The bad news is that the Governor won’t issue a stay of your execution…you go to the chair at 7 PM tonight.” “Oh, that’s horrible. What possibly could be the good news?”
“The good news is that I got your voltage reduced.”

4382

Bathroom

A five year old boy went for a weekend trip with his grandparents. On the way home, they stopped at a country restaurant for lunch.
The little boy left the table to use the restroom by himself. A moment later he returned with a confused look on his face. He says, “Grandpa, am I a rooster or a hen?”

4383

A Gift from the Sheriff

“Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?”
“Yes. What can I do for you?”
“I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.
“Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd. Did the Sheriff come?”
“Yeah!”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep!”
“Happy Birthday, buddy!”

4385

A FARMER’S LOGIC

You know there are so many TV channels, each one starved for new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease, arranged for an interview with a farmer who might have some theories on the matter.
This “TRUE” interview went as follows:
The lady reporter:  “I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?”
The farmer stared at the reporter and said?  “Did you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year”?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed):  “Well, sir, that’s a new piece of information but what’s the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?”
Farmer:  “Miss, did you know that we milk a cow twice a day?”
Reporter:  “Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?”
Farmer:  “I am getting to the point, Miss.”  “Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day .. and only screwing you once a year, wouldn’t you get mad?”
THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED …

4386

HISTORICAL FACT

 


Who says building a border wall won’t work?
3

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans……………….

4387

Motivational5

Please Emo

Please follow all directions

Please Help

Pleasing Your Man

plumbers crack

PMS

PMS1

PMS2

PMS28

Police Geeks

Police Medic

 

4389

 

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy. What do you think I should do?”
“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar?”

4390

“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
”And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.

4391

 

It took 50 yrs. but she’s been found!

“Where have all the flowers gone?….long time passing…. “

Thanks Peter, Paul & Mary for the song with Pete Seeger’s words.

10

 

Have you ever wondered what happened…

11

…to all those really cute and crazy, good-looking, barefoot, young hippie chicks…

12

… who didn’t wear bras, smoked a lot of weed, got tattooed…

13

…and had sex with every guy they met during that great “Age of Aquarius” back in the 60s and 70s?

Well, wonder no more!

I found her!

14

Kinda gets you tingly all over, doesn’t it?

Oh Yeah!!!

4392

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe… as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!” Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion from his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.
He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master”! …..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
“The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
(I am soooooo sorry…… But you really should’ve seen that coming)

Okay, so I read this last one out loud to Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon.  Mrs. Dragon groaned appropriately and the little one said, “I don’t get it.”  It so sad that our young dragonettes are so under educated.

4393

Sounds very familiar….

Well, I’d love to keep adding more and more to this, but I have to send it out at some time and the way it is now, it will probably take hours to load.  So, have a wonderful week.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1602

Header 1602

Good Morning Campers,

(Note from the editor ~ my apologies for this issue being late.  There are many, many reasons, far too many for me to go into here.  Please accept my apologies and enjoy today’s issue, even if it is a bit late.)

I hate Doctors, Insurance Companies, and Pharmacies.  I hate other things, too.  But, although the order may change, those are always my top three.  I just got a call from a collection agency about a doctor’s bill from 2015.  And of course the lady on the phone didn’t give a damn about the fact that that was when my knee was replaced and all the bills were supposed to have been paid, nor that I’m still trying to pay for my hip replacement last year, nor that Mrs. Dragon and myself are both chronically ill and we’re overwhelmed with medical bills as it is now, nor that….well….you get the idea. 

The most embarrassing part was that I was in the grocery store at the time (I KNEW I shouldn’t have answered the damn number that I didn’t recognize) and my daughter overheard the whole thing.  Wasn’t that nice.

So… yeah, been a crappy day. 

I did hit another Ton 80 last night at league.  THAT was pretty cool.  My first two ever Ton 80’s and they both happened within two weeks of each other.   Although I lost the match I was in.  Because even though I hit a Ton 80, the guy I was playing against hit a Ton 40 and a Ton….

… over and over and over again!

Bastard!

Anyway, with those explanations for now, let’s go ahead and get started on today’s laffs!

 Let's Laugh 4

4348

4349

In case you can’t read the above, it says: “Hold it, hold it! There’s no mention here of the estate being equally divided between those of us who have sex with him.”

4350

4351

4352

Whenever someone says to me, “You look familiar.  Where have I seen you before?”

I like to respond with, “Do you watch porn?”

Headlines

12

13

And why do you think this would be?

14

Must be because they were really, really bad.

15

To paraphrase Princess Bride, I’m not sure that word means what you think it means.

16

As opposed to …..?

17

Dammit!  I KNEW I was missing out in school!

18

I am NOT going to try and explain this to you again…

19

Well…it’s not like they could be “more” dead.

20

You know…I’m really not going after this one.  It’s just too damn easy!

 

3

4353

4354

4355

4356

4357

Piratesplan a and plan bPlanBPlanningPlanning2Planning3plastic surgeryPlatonicPlay_DumbPlayground SlidePlaying with yourself

4358435943604361436243634364436543664367

Cheers

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1601

funnies only

Good Morning Campers,

Last Saturday, at one of our regular Saturday Tournaments, I set a personal goal that I’ve had for a LONG time.  Many other darters have reached this goal, but for me, it was a first…ever.

4a

44b

I had my first ever Ton-Eighty!  Let me explain what that means.  In darts, 100 points is called a Ton.  The highest space on the board is the twenty wedge and the highest part of the twenty wedge is the triple. Right here:

When you hit that little-bitty spot it’s worth twenty times three or sixty points.  When you hit it three times, it’s worth one hundred-eighty points.  The highest score on the board.  Even higher than hitting that little red dot in the middle, which is the double bulls eye.  The green ring is the bulls eye.  The bulls eye is worth twenty-five points, therefore, the double bulls eye (or double bull) is worth fifty points.  If you can manager to smash all three darts into that little red dot, which has been done before, although never by me, is still only worth 150 points.

So, the Ton-80 that I threw is a big deal.  Maybe not to a lot of dart players, but for me it certainly was.

coollogo_com-284913002 (2)

This is pretty cool and a GREAT example of pure artistry.

A train made entirely of chocolate has set a new Guinness World Record as the longest chocolate structure in the world……

The sculpture, on display at the busy Brussels South station, is 112-feet (34.05 meters) long and weighs over 2,755 pounds (1250 kilos).

Maltese chocolate artist Andrew Farrugia spent over 700 hours constructing the masterpiece.

He said he came up with the idea of the train last year after visiting the Belgian Chocolate Festival in Bruge: “I had this idea for a while, and I said what do you think if we do this realization of a long chocolate train, you know, because a train you can make it as long as you like. “Actually it was going to be much smaller than it was, but I kept on adding another wagon, and another wagon, and it’s the size it is today.”

Farrugia had previously built a smaller train of 12 feet for an event in Malta, which he said gave him insight about how to build this much larger version.

There are two parts to the train. The first seven wagons are modeled after the new Belgian trains, and the rest of the train is modeled after the old train wagons, including a wagon with a bar and restaurant on board.

Three days before the event, Farrugia transported the chocolate train by truck in 25 wooden boxes from Malta to Belgium.

Farrugia said the train incurred considerable damage during the drive and several of the train’s walls had completely collapsed. Luckily, with hard work and little sleep, the chocolate artist was able to fix all the damages before presenting the train to the public on Monday.

After measuring the length of the train and confirming no material other than chocolate was used, officials from the Guinness Book of World Records added a new category to the collection of world records and declared the train to be the longest chocolate structure in the world.

Now that you’ve read the article, you’ve got to see some of the pictures.

55a5b5c5d5e5f

Amazing, right?

21

And before any of you get any ideas, this next one is NOT about MY son.  LOL.

My son told me, “Dad, I would like to have a tattoo.”

I told him, “No, nobody has one in our family, and you are not having one!”

He asked me, “Why not? All my friends have a tattoo”!

I told him, “It would be a stain on your body forever”!

He pleaded with me, “Dad, please, please, just a Disney Character on my belly”?

And after many hours of discussion, I finally gave in and decided to let him.  After all, he was a young man with his own freedom of choice, and I thought a Disney Character is probably not so bad!

WRONG!!!

6

Antique Tool Still In Use.   Do you know what it is?
7

Tobacco Smoke Enema Kit  (1750s – 1810s).

The tobacco enema was used to infuse tobacco smoke into a patient’s rectum for various medical purposes, but primarily the resuscitation of drowning victims

  A rectal tube inserted into the anus was connected to a fumigator and bellows that forced the smoke into the rectum. The warmth of the smoke was thought to promote respiration.

  Doubts about the credibility of tobacco enemas led to the popular phrase “blowing smoke up your ass.”

  As you are most likely aware, this odd tool is still heavily used by all levels of government.

I just have one  correction to make to the above, the odd tool is still heavily used by higher levels of government than me.

4316

Here’s a letter to the boss that will never work for you.

Dear Boss,

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.
You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream  about.
Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.
During this time I will show up for work when it is  convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and  all the other perks associated with my current job.
Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves  fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say  anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.
Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for President.

Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.

4321

4317

When people say, “Stop living in the past,” my thought in turn is, “But, the music was so much better then!”

unexplained

88a8b8c8d8e8f8g8h8i

Yup, completely unexplainable…

Be Decisive.  Right or wrong, make a damn decision.  The road of life is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.” ~ Unknown

4318

4319

4320

4321

4322

4323

4324

4325

4326

4327

4328

4329

4330

4331

4332

4333

4334

4335

4336

4337

4338

4339

4340

4341

4342

4343

4344

4345

4346

4347

coollogo_com-89903697

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1600! Another Milestone Met!

Header1600

Good Morning Campers,

Another week without a Wednesday Issue and for that I apologize, but this is a special issue and needs to be celebrated in and for itself.  This is issue number 1600!  I’m really quite proud of that. 1

It’s also Easter Sunday, a special day in the mythological pantheon we live in.  A day when the Easter Dragon brings candy and treats to all the good little boys and girls everywhere.  And as you can see from the cartoon to the right, the reason we have roasted chicken for Easter dinner.

easter_dragon

And to the left, we have a candid picture of the Easter Dragon coloring eggs for all the good little boys and girls.  I’m not sure he much cares for it.  I mean, look at him.  He looks pissed off to me.

He looks like he doesn’t like kids.  And although the true meaning of Easter has nothing to do with colored eggs, chocolate, jelly beans, marshmallow peeps…

…I forgot what I was saying.

I’ve got to go … I … um … need to … um … go to the store.  Yeah, that’s it. I need to go to the store.

 

 

easter bar 6

coollogo_com-25947868

!cid_AE6AF957-A9E4-46C4-87A0-0DAC5E25340C

!cid_ii_im7wwa2d0_153ae917bc8b108e

00funnyEaster

Well, what color did you expect the Easter Bunny to color the walls?

200503131151290.bunnygif

Easter (2)

Easter bunny

Easter Dragon Eggs xD

easter

Easter_Dragon_by_titos2k

easter_eggscomefrom

easter2 (2)

easter-bunny

EasterDragon

easterdragonr

easter-flashbunnyman

 

facebook_1380905240

funny-pictures-cat-eats-marshmallow

hallow

happy easter egg

Happy Easter

Happy Easter

happy keester

happy-easter-motivational-poster-493

image0015

Johnsen, Char - Easter Dragon 2

Martoon2

Peep show

the-easter-bunny-easter-bunny-demotivational-posters-1334226792

And with that image, let’s call an end to today’s issue.  I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow.

Be well.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1599

Bad Week

Good Morning Campers,

Still Sick.  Left work early yesterday (Monday) and stayed home from work today (Tuesday)  I have important meetings tomorrow so I’ll have to go whether I want to or not.

You know, they have said that this flu has hung on for a long time with a lot of people, but this is getting crazy.  I feel like I’ve been sick since Christmas.  I know a bunch of you out there are going through the same thing, and my heart goes out to you…as well as my box of tissues.

So, I really think I need the laughs.  So, let’s get to it.

4288

I’m gonna really have to try that at work this week.

4289

4290

That is what it’s coming to.  You can get just about anything else on Amazon.

4291

4292

4293

I know, I know, I know.  I have the answer to that last one!  The reason the chicken crossed the road is to get to Olive Garden!   I know, but I have proof. Here’s a tweet from the Augusta Maine Police Department.
2

Officers responded to the parking lot of the Olive Garden in Augusta for a report of a wayward chicken with a craving for soup, salad and breadsticks. An epic 20 minute foot pursuit ensued, spanning an area totaling upwards of 50 feet with the beaked bandit initially having the upper hand zigging when expected to zag. As the bird headed for Interstate on ramp and the high speeds of I-95 northbound, Augusta PD’s SNAT (Special Nets and Tactics) Team arrived on scene and apprehended the absconding bird without further incident. Anyone with knowledge of the owner or guardian of this rascal contact Augusta PD at 207-626-2370.

4294

4295

4296

4297

 

3

 

4298

And now the decline and fall of the human race is all but assured.

4299

4300

4301

GEORGE CARLIN ON “SHIT”

Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away. People can be shit headed, shit for brains, shit blinded, shit over or shit on. Some people know their shit while others don’t know the difference between shit and shineola.

There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, dog shit, cat shit, bird shit, whale shit, rat shit, and horse shit. There is tough shit, hard shit, soft shit, slimy shit, rough shit, limp shit.

You can shit a blue streak, shit bricks, shit pink twinkies, shit marbles, or shit your guts out. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan. You can take a shit, give a shit, keep shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.

Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty. There is funny shit and sad shit, bad shit and good shit. Some shit doesn’t stink while other things really smell like shit. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can be faster than shit or you can be slower than shit. Sometimes you’ll find shit on a stick, sometimes you’ll find shit everywhere, and then there are times when you can’t find shit at all.

You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit. You can carry shit in a bucket, put shit in a barrel, have a pile of shit, have a mountain of shit, have a river of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. You can slice shit, spread shit, dunk shit or jump shit, and some people just can’t cut the shit.

There is fun shit and dull shit, silly shit and serious shit. Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don’t want any shit at all. You can stir shit, kick shit or stick your ass out the window and shit on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.

Shit! When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else.

4302

4303

4304

4305

4306

Photoshop Wars

Photoshop2

Photoshop3

Physics is gay

Pick a winner

Pigeons

Pimped Hummer

Pimpin

Pink Puppy

Pink Shirt

pink

Well, here’s an update. 

Today is Wednesday and I was up all night being sick.  So Mrs. Dragon is going to take me to the Immediate Care later.  I’ll let you know.

Lord, grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and friends to post my bail when I finally snap.

4307

4308

4309

4310

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. It’s 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.

 

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”

 

The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican and here illegally.”

 

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America.”

 

The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese and here on a Green Card that expired two years ago.”

 

The new arrival walks farther and stops the next person he sees, then shaking his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America!”

That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East. I am not American.  It was easy to get here via Arizona.”

 

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”

 

She says, “No, I am from Africa here on an Education Green Card that expired 10 years ago.”

 

Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”

 

The African lady checks her watch and says:  “Probably at work.”

 

IF YOU DON’T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE

4311

4312

A union boss walks in from the factory next door and is about to order a beer when he sees a guy at the far end of the bar wearing a TRUMP “Make America Great Again” cap with two beers sitting in front of him.

The union boss doesn’t need to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican, so he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, “Drinks for everyone in here, bartender….  but not for the Republican.”

Soon after the drinks have been passed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, “Thank you!” in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the union boss.

After a few minutes, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.  As before, this doesn’t seem to bother the Republican.  He nods and smiles, and again yells, “Thank you!”

A few more minutes pass and the union boss orders another round of drinks for everyone except the Republican.

Just as before, this STILL doesn’t seem to faze the Republican who continues smiling and again yells out, “Thank you!!”

Frustrated that he can’t seem to get the guy angered, the union boss asks the bartender, “What is wrong with that Republican?  I’ve ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the dummy does is smile and thank me.  Is he nuts…?”

“Nope,” replies the bartender.  “He owns the place.”

ADVICE TO DEMOCRATS, LIBERALS AND ALL LEFTIES:  WHEN YOUR HORSE DIES, IT’S TIME TO DISMOUNT.

4313

4314

4315

What kind of a dumb ass do you have to be to use yourself as the fuse in a car bomb? That’s exactly what this fucking genius did at Travis AFB in California on Wednesday night.  Loads the truck up with gasoline and LP tanks lights himself on fire, runs the gate, rolls into the ditch (because he’s fucking dead) and causes no problems, no explosions (even though the news sources say there was) because the dumb ass either forgot or didn’t realize that you have to open the LP tanks and gasoline cans before they will explode!  Friggin’ idiot.

So, that shows you what kind of week I’ve had.

Anyway, that’s the end of today’s issue 

Until next week

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment