Dragon Laffs #1625

Header 1602

Good Morning Campers,

It’s been another one of those weeks.  Tuesday I got a new AFI, which means Air Force Instruction, like a rule book, which turned my world upside-down.  Well….if nothing else, it sure did make the week go by quicker.

And before you ask, no, I haven’t heard anything yet about the new job.

Lots of great mail this week on the electric car and other things.  If I can squeeze in the time, I’ll add some of them to this issue.

But for now,

Wooden-3

4758

Teach your kids about taxes…

Eat 30 percent of their ice cream

4759

At my funeral I am giving everyone a stun gun…Last person standing gets all my stuff.

4760

Never Sing In The Shower
Singing leads to dancing,
Dancing leads to slipping,
And slipping leads to paramedics seeing you NAKED
So REMEMBER:
Don’t SING

4761

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”

“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”

“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?

“1955, ma’am.”

“Well, there you are.  No wonder you’re so serious.  You really need to chill out!  I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.”

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, “I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.”

4762

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven’t seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date.

The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”

Sally replies, “It’s just great, ever since we got into S&M.”

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He snores while I masturbate.”

4763

And that, my friends, is all you really need to know about people from Jersey.

Q: What’s the difference between a penis and a prick?
A: A penis is fun, sexy, and satisfying. A prick is the guy who owns it.

4764

Damn straight!

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the US from China. They decided to become American Citizens, and “Americanize” their names. Bu called himself “Buck”, Chu called himself “Chuck”, and Fu had to go back to China.

4765

Yup, definitely gonna use that one…

Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died of cancer.
She married again [Bob], and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they are finally together.”
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked Margaret, her best friend, “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”
Margaret replied, “I think he means her legs, Ethel…”

4766

We could balance the Federal Budget if we taxed sex..
– Everyone would pay their share.
– Young people would pay more taxes, and your tax liability would decrease as you got older.
– The tax would also promote family values.
– How would you like to come home to your wife and have her ask, “Honey, why is your tax bill larger than mine?”
– Or be a teenager and come home to find your dad with your tax bill in his hand.
– We wouldn’t have to pay people to work for the IRS, they would be paying to work there just so they could review peoples returns.
– Locker room conversations would change. “Get a load of this Hollywood tax bill!”
– The forms would change a little also. We would now have a 1040Quickee.
– And it would give a whole new meaning to the phrase, “Substantial penalty for early withdrawal!”

4767

Oh my gawd! That takes hold music to a whole new low!

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him. “You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, ‘Fishing or Sex’, and she said, “Wear sun-block.”

4768

Three football fans were out for a ride when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Eagles fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast.
The Giants fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast.
Following their lead, but with some grumbling, the Dallas Cowboy fan took off his cap and placed it over her girly part.
The police were called, and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection.
First, he lifted up the Eagles cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes.
Next, he lifted the Giants cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes..
The officer then lifted the Cowboys cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.
The Cowboys fan was becoming annoyed and finally asked, “What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?”
“Well,” said the officer, “I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Dallas Cowboys hat, I find an asshole.”

Boy, ain’t that the truth.  I have had the exact same experience!

4769

The Italian MAN of His House. With his Italian wife!
Luigi had just finished reading a new book entitled, You Can Be THE MAN of Your House.
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, “From now on, you need to know that I am THE MAN of this house and my word is Law. You’ll prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, you’ll serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, we’re going upstairs and we’ll have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you’re going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You’ll wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you’ll massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
His Sicilian wife Maria replied, “The fucking funeral director would be my first guess”.

4770

While on a road trip, an elderly couple, Jack and Debbie, stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turnaround, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grumpy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.

As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, while you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

4771

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell  “Oh, come on in!” Peggy Sue’s mother said as she welcomed Fred in.

“So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?” she asked.

“Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach…”

“Peggy likes to screw, you know,” Mom informed him.

“Uh…really?” Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

“Yes,” said the mother. “As a matter of fact, she’d screw all night if we let her!”

“Well, thanks for the tip,” Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

“Have fun, kids,” the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

“The TWIST, Mom!” she angrily yelled at her mother.    “THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

4772

If things get better with age, I must be close to magnificent!

4a

My gawd, that is so true!  I’m so not ready for the holidays to start up again this year.  Halloween, then Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Year’s and then…recovery!

4773

I’m outdoorsy in that I like getting drunk on patios.

4774

I want to go to a pumpkin patch.  Watch horror movies.  Drink hot cocoa and murder someone.

You know, Fall Shit.

4775

The path to inner peace beings with four words…

“Not My Fucking Problem”

I also like “Not my monkeys, not my circus.”

4776

Now THAT explains a hell of a lot!

Did you know that “Democrat” spelled backwards is “Asshole”?

Hey, if they can make shit up, so can we.

4c

 

I bought my ex a chair but the state won’t let me plug it in.

4777

Oh my gawd, this is so me…
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my sense of humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

4778

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.  I discovered that at my daughter’s school concert.

4779

Yeah, right!  Like a silly speed limit sign is going to slow down traffic.

This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. 

I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press one?”

So I did.

I don’t remember much after that.

4780

So these next two go together…
4e

This little guy doesn’t know it yet, but he’ll NEVER be on the Supreme Court.

4d

And that’s it for today my friends, but I want to end today’s issue with something special that was sent to me and now I’m sending it to you.

At birth we boarded the train and met our parents, and we believe they will always travel on our side.

However, at some station our parents will step down from the train, leaving us on this journey alone.

As time goes by, other people will board the train; and they will be significant i.e. our siblings, friends, children, and even the love of your life.

Many will step down and leave a permanent vacuum.

Others will go so unnoticed that we don’t realize they vacated their seats.

This train ride will be full of joy, sorrow, fantasy, expectations, hellos, goodbyes, and farewells.

Success consists of having a good relationship with all passengers requiring that we give the best of ourselves.

The mystery to everyone is:

We do not know at which station we ourselves will step down. So, we must live in the best way, love, forgive, and offer the best of who we are.

It is important to do this because when the time comes for us to step down and leave our seat empty we should leave behind beautiful memories for those who will continue to travel on the train of life.

I wish you a joyful journey on the train of life.

Reap success and give lots of love.

More importantly, thank God for the journey.

Lastly, I thank you for being one of the passengers on my train.

(By the way, I am not planning to get off the train anytime soon but if I do, just remember I am glad you were part of my journey.)

1a

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1624

Header1624

Good Morning Campers,

So, last Saturday I told you that the job posting closed on Friday.  Well, it seems that I found out on Saturday…after the issue published…that they didn’t get enough applicants (by some magic formula they must use) and they kept it open for another week…which means that it closes today.

This is killing me!

All I know is my application package has been received.  Not that it’s been accepted, or forwarded, or anything.  Just that they got it.

I’m going to scream. 

But, before that happens, …

sign laff

4740

The bad news is, I accidently too the wrong medication this morning.

The good news is, I’m now protected from heartworms and fleas for the next three months.

4739

FACT: If someone is playing Christmas music in October, you’re legally allowed to kill them and use their corpse as a Halloween decoration.

4741

That’s so disheartening….

You know what rhymes with Friday?

Vodka.

4742

An Interesting Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word “Fuck”. It is the one magical word, which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language, “Fuck” falls into many grammatical categories. It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Mary fucked John) and intransitive (John was fucked by Mary). It can be an action verb (John really gives a Fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn’t give a Fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), or as a noun (Mary is a terrific Fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I’m late for my date with Mary). It can even be used as a conjunction (John is ugly, Fuck, he’s also stupid). As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word “Fuck.”
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations:
1) Surprise — “What the Fuck are you doing here?”
2) Fraud — “I got fucked by the car dealer.”
3) Resignation — “Oh, Fuck it!”
4) Trouble — “I guess I’m fucked now.”
5) Aggression — “FUCK YOU!”
6) Disgust — “Fuck me.”
7) Confusion — “What the Fuck…?”
8) Difficulty — “I don’t understand this fucking business!”
9) Despair — “Fucked again….”
10) Pleasure — “I fucking couldn’t be happier.”
11) Displeasure — “What the Fuck is going on here?”
12) Lost — “Where the Fuck are we?”
13) Disbelief — “UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!”
14) Retaliation — “Up your fucking ass!”
15) Denial — “I didn’t fucking do it.”
16) Perplexity — “I know Fuck-all about it.”
17) Apathy — “Who really gives a Fuck, anyhow?”
18) Greetings — “How the Fuck are ya?”
19) Suspicion — “Who the Fuck are you?”
20) Panic — “Let’s get the Fuck out of here.”
21) Directions — “Fuck off.”
22) Awe — “How the Fuck did you do that?”
It can be used in an anatomical description — “He’s a fucking asshole.”
It can be used to tell time — “It’s five fucking thirty.”
It can be used in business — “How did I wind up with this fucking job?”
It can be maternal –“Motherfucker.”

And that’s all the fuck I know about that!

4743

“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” –G. K. Chesterton

4744

“I have always been delighted at the prospect of a new day, a fresh try, one more start, with perhaps a bit of magic waiting somewhere behind the morning.” – John Boyton Priestly

4745

Here’s an interesting essay.  Thanks to Momma Diaman for passing it on

THE PINEHURST PRESS NEWS & VIEWS

BY T J & WEBB

Interesting Take on Electric Cars

This is for Engineers out there, surely there should be a rebuttal to this article.  Say it isn’t true!

As an engineer I love the electric vehicle technology.  However, I have been troubled for a longtime by the fact that the electrical energy to keep the batteries charged has to come from the grid and that means more power generation and a huge increase in the distribution infrastructure.  Whether generated from coal, gas, oil, wind or sun, installed generation capacity is limited.  A friend sent me the following that says it very well.  You should all take a look at this short article.

INTERESTING –  ONE OTHER QUESTION. IF ELECTRIC CARS DO NOT USE GASOLINE, THEY WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN PAYING A GASOLINE TAX ON EVERY GALLON THAT IS SOLD FOR AUTOMOBILES, WHICH WAS ENACTED SOME YEARS AGO TO HELP TO MAINTAIN OUR ROADS AND BRIDGES. THEY WILL USE THE ROADS, BUT WILL NOT PAY FOR THEIR MAINTENANCE!

In case you were thinking of buying hybrid or an electric car:

Ever since the advent of electric cars, the REAL cost per mile of those things has never been discussed. All you ever heard was the mpg in terms of gasoline, with nary a mention of the cost of electricity to run it . This is the first article I’ve ever seen and tells the story pretty much as I expected it to

Electricity has to be one of the least efficient ways to power things yet they’re being shoved down our throats.  Glad somebody finally put engineering and math to paper.

At a neighborhood BBQ I was talking to a neighbor, a BC Hydro executive.  I asked him how that renewable thing was doing.  He laughed, then got serious.  If you really intend to adopt electric vehicles, he pointed out, you had to face certain realities.  For example, a home charging system for a Tesla requires 75 amp service.  The average house is equipped with 100 amp service.  On our small street (approximately 25 homes), the electrical infrastructure would be unable to carry more than three houses with a single Tesla, each.  For even half the homes to have electric vehicles, the system would be wildly over-loaded.

This is the elephant in the room with electric vehicles.  Our residential infrastructure cannot bear the load. So as our genius elected officials promote this nonsense, not only are we being urged to buy these things and replace our reliable, cheap generating systems with expensive, new windmills and solar cells, but we will also have to renovate our entire delivery system!   This latter “investment” will not be revealed until we’re so far down this dead end road that it will be presented with an ‘OOPS…!’ and a shrug.

If you want to argue with a green person over cars that are eco-friendly, just read the following.  Note: If you ARE a green person, read it anyway.  It’s enlightening.

Eric test drove the Chevy Volt at the invitation of General Motors and he writes, “For four days in a row, the fully charged battery lasted only 25 miles before the Volt switched to the reserve gasoline engine .”  Eric calculated the car got 30 mpg including the 25 miles it ran on the battery.  So, the range including the 9-gallon gas tank and the 16 kwh battery is approximately 270 miles.

It will take you 4.5 hours to drive 270 miles at 60 mph.  Then add 10 hours to charge the battery and you have a total trip time of 14.5 hours.  In a typical road trip your average speed (including charging time) would be 20 mph.

According to General Motors, the Volt battery holds 16 kwh of electricity.  It takes a full 10 hours to charge a drained battery.  The cost for the electricity to charge the Volt is never mentioned , so I looked up what I pay for electricity.  I pay approximately (it varies with amount used and the seasons) $1.16 per kwh. 16 kwh x $1.16 per kwh = $18.56 to charge the battery.  $18.56 per charge divided by 25 miles = $0.74 per mile to operate the Volt using the battery.  Compare this to a similar size car with a gasoline engine that gets only 32 mpg.  $3.19 per gallon divided by 32 mpg = $0.10 per mile.

The gasoline powered car costs about $20,000 while the Volt costs $46,000-plus.  So the American Government wants loyal Americans not to do the math, but simply pay three times as much for a car, that costs more than seven times as much to run, and takes three times longer to drive across the country.

You know I saw the title of another article, but didn’t get a chance to read it, it was in the vein of whatever happened to all the electric cars that got great mileage…or something to that effect.  So, I’m looking for different opinions here, so let’s hear them!

4746

4747

UNACCEPTABLE HUMOR

 

 

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the sidewalk! At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I’m a stalker. Well, she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

 

A wife says to her husband you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You’re in a wheel chair.

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You’re obviously not listening”.

 

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

 

At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point: The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa!!!

 

One of the other questions that I missed was to name one thing commonly found in cells. It appears that Mexicans is not the correct answer either.

 

There’s a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping center, but I’ve been banned from it after asking to look at some of the new bomber jackets.

 

You can say lots of bad things about pedophile’s but at least they drive slowly past schools.

 

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, “I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled.” To which she replied, “No, it’s regular people-porn, you sick bastard.

 

A buddy of mine has just told me he’s getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said “How can you tell them apart?” He said “Her brother’s got a mustache.”

 

The Red Cross have just knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said “You’re pulling my leg.”

4748

The Whelpling sent me this next one.  I LOVE IT!!

5

Just got to this next one in time…
6

4749

4750

4751

4752

4753

4754

4755

4756

4757

And that’s it for today folks.  I hope you all have a great week.

Cheers!

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1623

Header1623

Good Morning Campers!

Well, I’ve got good news…not great news…but good news.

The job promotion that I’ve been waiting for finally posted!  The job opened on USAJOBS.gov on Monday and it closed on Friday.  I, of course, had my application package in before lunch on Monday.  And now begins the wait to see who it is they are going to pick for the job.  I would like to think that I am the odds-on favorite, but it’s the federal government…who the hell knows what else might happen. 

It took 9 weeks from the time this job was sent in, till the time it was offered.  If it takes just as long for it to get filled…which is not out of the question…it will be Thanksgiving week before I hear anything and although that would be an awesome Thanksgiving present, and the basis to give much Thanks, I really hope they don’t take that long cause I’ll probably be in the Looney Bin by then.

So, here’s what I want you all to do…since I KNOW that there are many of you who are MUCH closer to God then a poor, chaotic-good blue dragon, please offer up as many prayers, virginal sacrifices, burnt offerings, and outright bribes as you feel comfortable with.  I’ll be doing my own praying, begging, pleading, etc.  Thanks!

Now, other stuff going on…I’m probably at work as you’re reading this, especially if you’re reading it after 0600 hrs. Eastern time.  I have a class to teach and two inspections to take care and then tonight, we are holding a special fund raising dart tournament for Riley’s Children’s Hospital.  It’s one of those things we do annually, one of our leagues many charities that we support. 

It’s a 50/50 tournament.  In other words, of the $10 it costs to participate, $5 goes to the hospital and $5 goes to the winners.  Normally, if one of our league members wins, they almost always donate their winnings back to the charity.  That’s not a requirement and we don’t even bring it up, especially if a non-member (and there will be a lot of them there tonight) wins.  But, it makes me very proud to watch our people play their asses off and then turn around and donate their winnings right back to the kids.

Anyway, that’s all I have for you this morning, what do you say we get this party started and get some laughs in here!!

coollogo_com-238341496

2a

4716

4717

4718

4719

4720

If it’s true that stress brings on weight loss, why am I not invisible?

4721

4722

4723

4724

And another reason to celebrate the day…. today is the first day of fall….so I want to wish you a
Autumnal-Equinox-676x353

And the wonderful thing is that the temperature has dropped and it’s supposed to be a wonderful 65 degrees today!  Yay!

Happy Fall everybody.

Here’s a pretty good article from Vox.com

The autumnal equinox is upon us: On Saturday, September 22, both the Northern and Southern hemispheres will experience an equal amount of daylight. For those of us in the Northern Hemisphere, it marks the beginning of fall, with daylight hours continuing to shorten until the winter solstice in December. For those south of the equator, it’s the beginning of spring.

Technically speaking, the equinox occurs when the sun is directly in line with the equator. This will happen at 9:54 pm Eastern time on Saturday.

Below is a short scientific guide to the most equal night of the season.

1) Why do we have equinoxes?

The fall and spring equinoxes, the seasons, and the changing length of daylight hours throughout the year are all due to one fact: Earth spins on a tilted axis.

The tilt — possibly caused by a massive object hitting Earth billions of years ago — means that for half the year, the North Pole is pointed toward the sun (as in the picture below). For the other half of the year, the South Pole gets more light. It’s why we have seasons.

axis_ (1)

Here’s a time-lapse demonstration of the phenomenon shot over the course of a whole year from space. In the video, you can see how the line separating day from night swings back and forth from the poles during the year.
seasons

You can read the rest of this article here:  https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2018/9/20/17873846/fall-equinox-2018-autumnal

4725

4726

4727

4728

One of the really cool thing about fall arriving is that we start to get more cool weather.  I don’t mean cooler in temperature, I mean cooler in violence.  This little bitty cold front brought with it one hell of a thunderstorm.  Only lasted a couple of minutes, but it was pretty spectacular.

2b

That’s outside of work, by the way.

4729

4730

4731

4732

That’s just wrong….in so many different ways.

But is sure is funny, too!

LOL

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

♦ Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ You’re not fat, you’re just easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

♦ I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can go in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

4733

4734

4735

4736

I’m putting a vending machine in my yard for Halloween.

Fuck those kids, I have bills to pay.

4737

I just checked my account balance at the ATM.  It printed me a coupon for Ramen Noodles.

4738

So, there’s one thing more before I go for the week.  I want to wish my brother from another mother a

Happy_birthday

2

Monday is Lethal’s birthday and although he hasn’t been around lately, I know you all love him as much as I do.  So, please do me the honor of flooding the comments box with well and happy wishes for his special day.

I know I’ve been busy brother, but you know you are my best friend.  I hope you have a marvelous day. 

Cheers!

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1622

funnies only

Okay, so mostly funnies….I did manage to get some other stuff done earlier today, so what follows is from today while at work, waiting on an appointment to show up.

2a

Good Morning Campers,

                Well, it’s been another one of those weeks for me.  This week, it was car trouble.

                Now, it’s not bad enough, that I’m pretty much working 7 days a week, but without the cooperation of the machinery that I depend on, it just makes it that much harder. 

                So, here’s what happened…

                On Sunday, I drove to work just fine.  Got to my office at about 0545 hrs.  At about 0715 hrs., I jumped in my car and drove across base to teach a CBRN Defense Survival Skills Class.  For those of you who don’t know, CBRN stands for Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear.  One of my (many) jobs is to teach the military members how to stay alive in really crappy environments.  Some of you older guys may remember it as gas mask training.  It’s a bit more complex and in-depth now then it was then, but you get the idea.

                Anyway, at about 1100 hrs. I get done with class and go out to my car and when it starts, it’s really rough and the check engine light comes on and starts blinking.  Well, the rule always was that if the light is blinking, you shouldn’t drive the car, but I feel like I recognize this from the three previous times it’s happened to me before.  It feels like the damn cam-shaft positioning sensor has gone bad…AGAIN!  Although before it wasn’t this rough at an idle and the light never flashed….just came on.

                So I finish out my day, drive the back roads to town and go to AutoZone to have them put it on their little machine to check the fault codes.  Cylinder #2 misfire and camshaft positioning sensor.  The guy there tells me that I need a new set of spark plugs because the misfiring #2 could cause the cam shaft sensor problem.  I have limited funds….REALLY limited funds….and need this to be fixed on the cheap. 

So, I buy a set of plugs, go home (about 2 miles from AutoZone), change out the plugs in my driveway, total money spent $13, total time, 30 minutes…or maybe about an hour counting the time spent with the diagnostic and getting home with the parts.  I feel really positive about this, since when I pulled the old plug out of the #2 cylinder it was really carboned up.  Jump in the car, start it up….

Same damn problem as before.  Runs a little better, probably because of the new plugs, but still bad.

Back to AutoZone I go.  Diagnostic check again.  #2 misfiring, cam sensor bad.  Damn, damn, diddly-damn!

Okay, wait a minute.  The last time I changed the cam sensor, it had a lifetime warrantee!  So, right there in the AutoZone parking lot, I pulled the old sensor off, took it inside, they gave me a brand new one, free of charge, put it back on the car.  Total money is still at $13, total time up to about 2 hours now.  Said a little prayer, started the car….

Same damn problem as before.

An indeterminate amount of time later there’s a tapping at my car window and when I look up, the AutoZone guy is there and says, “Are you okay?  Do you want me to call somebody?  Maybe an ambulance?”  I must’ve given him a quizzical look because he continued, “you know, for the …um…banging your head against the steering wheel for so long and all?”

I told him that nah, I was okay and that I’d be right in.

Okay, the two obvious things didn’t work…what’s next in line.  Plug wires.  Damn, how much where they going to cost me?  Call it $40 with tax…a little less actually.  Not quite tapped out, but getting close.  Call it $52 in.  AutoZone is closing (they close early on a Sunday) so I take my plug wires home to my driveway, swap them out, say a bigger prayer, jump in the car and …

Same damn problem as before. 

I am now dangerously close to having to take the car to a garage that I can’t afford and have no idea how I’m going to pay for.  I have just about exhausted my limited knowledge of vehicles and I need to do some thinking.  Let’s see.  The car is a 2006 which makes it 12 years old, so it’s no spring chicken, but!!!! It only has about 135,000 miles on it, it’s in pretty good shape, and most importantly, IT’S PAID FOR!!!  I should probably replace it, or even better, get a second vehicle, especially since Izzy Dragon is going to be driving soon (although she swears she’ll never get her license.  Long story, save for another time).  But right now, with my crappy credit, we’re talking going to a buy-here, pay-here and I’m pretty sure, what I could afford would just give me more headaches.  And that’s not going to get me through the next week and a half to next payday to get to work anyway. 

So, it’s not getting spark, or not getting proper spark to #2.  Plugs are good, wires are good, what’s behind the wires?  Distributor cap? (see how old I am?  And the cars I’m used to working on?)  Hell no!  Ignition coil pack.  I don’t know a damn thing about electronic ignition.  No points to set, no gap to fix.  (You younger guys probably don’t even know what that last bit means!) 

I go to work on Monday by catching a ride with a co-worker…the only guy who lives near me.  He can give me a lift Monday and Tuesday, but is out of town on Wednesday, through the end of the week.  Okay, I’ll take what I can get. 

I go on line and see that AutoZone is selling a coil pack for $70.  I really don’t have $70, but I could steal a little out of savings that is being held to later in the month when certain bills come due.  It doesn’t matter what I have where if I can’t get to work to earn money to pay the damn bills anyway.

On a whim, I check out Amazon.com and they have the exact same part for $20 and free, two-day shipping and they can have it in my hands on Wednesday.  Can I afford to wait till Wednesday?  Heck yeah!

I have a ride to work on Tuesday and decide to take Wednesday off rather than trying to wheedle a ride with someone.  Now, I don’t take time off for frivolous things because I have to take too much time off for medical things.  Between Mrs. Dragon’s chronic medical issues and the specialists we have to see for her, and my chronic medical issues that I ignore in favor of Mrs. Dragon’s issues, I have very little vacation/sick time saved up and I horde every minute I can because you never know when something will happen or I’ll have to have another hip or knee replacement.  Damn body is falling apart and I’ve got at LEAST as many years left as I’ve already spent.

Not to get off track here, but I’m planning on living forever.  And so far, my plan is working out just fine.

Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and I go out to the car early to take the old coil pack off.  According to YouTube it looks pretty easy, straight forward…pull the plug wires, pull the wire connector to the coil, 4 bolts, and it comes right out.

Yeah, right.

Pull the plug wires…yup, easily done.

Pull the wire connector…why won’t this damn thing come off!!!!!  Pull the little red locking thingy out of the side, and just pull!  Locked in there solid!  Okay, so maybe it will be easier once the bolts are loose and it’s off the car.

Pull the 4 bolts….half easy.  The front two bolts are dead easy.  Right in the front, easy to get to, socket wrench, bolts are a bit long, but no problem.  The back two bolts….completely hidden away.  Can’t quite see them, but I can reach them with my fingertips…well, I could reach them if I had the hands of a 7 year-old girl.  These big fat paws aren’t getting in there.  Let’s watch the video again….how the hell does that guy get his arm back there?  And he’s using this little bitty 10mm wrench and it shows him loosening the bolt 1/8 of one turn and then the video jumps ahead to him pulling the pack off the car, implying that it took a few minutes to get those bolts off of there instead of a week and a half at an eighth of a turn at a time.

Damn!

I won’t tell you about the contortions I had to perform while imbedding my hand and lower arm inside the engine, nor will I describe to you slipping with the wrench and lacerating my flexor carpi muscle (that’s the big muscle that goes down the top of your forearm.  Yeah, I had to look it up later when I called the emergency room about stitches. 

Emergency Room: Is it still bleeding?

Impish Dragon: Nope.  Used superglue.

Emergency Room: Red and puffy around the outside of the wound?

Impish Dragon: Hell yes!  I got friggin’ stabbed!

Emergency Room:  You need to come in for a tetanus shot.

Impish Dragon:  I had one a month ago.

Emergency Room: Really?  Why?

Impish Dragon: It was offered for free at an LEPC meeting by the county nurse.

Emergency Room: Yeah, okay, never mind.  You’re good. <click>)

Anyway, long story short…or not as long as it possibly could be…it took me almost 2 hours to get those last 2 bolts out.  And my poor arthritic body, bent into positions a contortionist would envy, but they were finally out.  The plug came right off after fighting with it for ten minutes of pushing, pulling and straining. I finally realizing I had to push down on a little tab and the damn thing slid right off.

Twenty minutes later the mail showed up with my package.  I opened the box, expecting with my luck to have the wrong part and looked inside.  Moved the bubble wrap out of the way and took out a plastic wrapped package.  Used a letter opener, a switch blade and finally a jack-hammer to get the vacuum sealed bag off, expecting with my luck to have the wrong part, and looked inside.  The I got the knife back out and opened up another box, and yet more bubble wrap and there it was….the exact RIGHT part!

Hot damn!  Things were looking up.

My analytical mind went to work as I was thinking about putting this thing back on so I tried something…I put the bolt in the back hole of the coil, the one that was the hardest of the two to work with.  I put the smallest 10mm socket on the bolt and held all of that together while I got the coil positioned and the bolt started into the helicoil (nut plate thingy on the engine) and reached across the top of the coil with my fingertips and got the bolt twisted about half way in by turning the socket with my fingers instead of the bolt with a wrench.  Then, in an amazing blaze of mechanical genius, I forced my smallest quarter-inch ratchet wrench on top of the socket (after getting the other three bolts started so I wouldn’t lose the alignment).  I ratcheted the bolt down to where the socket could no longer reach it while stretched across the top of the coil.  I’m a friggin’ genius!  Now all I have to do is a couple of turns with the open end wrench and it will be tightened all the way down.  Just got to pull this ratchet wrench and socket off and … just got to move this ratchet wrench and socket and … just got to…

Son-of-a-biscuit!!!!!!

The ratchet wrench and the socket were now locked in place over the coil and would not come out!

Oh my gawd, I’m such a friggin’ IDIOT!!!

I did eventually get them out and get all the bolts tightened, but not without another short call to the E.R.

Impish Dragon: I think 7 of my finger tips are broken.

Emergency Room Guy: Can you move your fingers?

Impish Dragon: yes, but…

Emergency Room Guy: You’re fine. <click!>

Coil installed, electrical plug installed on coil, plug wires installed on coil and on spark plugs, say a BIG Prayer.  (Begging, Pleading) jump in the car and start it and …

Same damn … no!  Wait!  It’s working!  It’s really working!

Wooooo! Hooooooo!

Run in the house to tell Mrs. Dragon what a mechanical and automotive god I am!  Run back out to the car because it’s slowly rolling down the driveway and out into traffic.  Park the car, run back in the house and Mrs. Dragon tells me, “Mister mechanical and automotive god?  Your masterpiece is rolling out into the street again.” Run back outside to see the car sitting precisely in the driveway where I last put it and I can hear Mrs. Dragon laughing hysterically from pulling my chain.

Okay, so maybe not a god, but at least mostly successful this time around.

I hope you enjoyed my recounting of my week and the trials and tribulations I have gone through.  I will tell you that it is mostly a factual account with perhaps a little embellishment to make it more enjoyable.

sign laff

I’ve been reading a really good set of books lately and at the beginning of each chapter there is a quote.  I’ve copied some of the better ones and sprinkled them throughout today’s issue.

4678

4679

4680

4681

4682

“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.  Very often, that person is crazy.” ~ Dave Barry

4683

4684

4685

“Behind every great woman is a guy looking at her ass.” – Author Unknown

4686

4687

4688

“According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is their lies.” – Anonymous

4689

4690

4691

“Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.” – Aldous Huxley

4692

4693

4694

“Women are afraid of mice and of murder, and of very little in between.” – Mignon McLaughlin

4695

4696

4697

“The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.” – Robert Graves

4698

4699

4700

“Men enjoy being thought of a hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt.  Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it.” – Mignon McLaughlin

4701

4702

4703

“The people I’m furious with are the women’s liberationists.  They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming women are brighter than men.  That’s true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.” – Anita Loos

4704

4705

4706

4707

4708

4709

4710

4711

4712

4713

4714

4715

And that’s it my friends.  Until next week.

Cheers!

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1621

header7

Good Morning Campers,

2a

Let’s Laugh!

12

I DO Drink Water…When it’s frozen and surrounded by liquor.

4656

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks… I’m OUTSTANDING.

4657

I need a new friend.  The last one escaped.

4659

CAUTION: When someone tells you to get a grip…apparently around their necks is not what they meant…who knew?

4661

I don’t want to brag, but I have a really nice bum.

I found him under the bridge, I think his name is Ted.

4662

Autocorrect has yet to figure out how often I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

4663

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?”

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”golf

The second guy says, “One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.”

The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.”

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The first guy says, “Small world!

4664

Hey now, that’s the same big name diet that I’m on….I think he may be on to something there.

The Man Code

1. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man’s toast may not include any of the following phrases, “down in Tijuana”, “one time when we were all piss drunk”, or “and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw”.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “bullshit!” (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own — grill, car, firstborn child — within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, “man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls”
14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren’t wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think “what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin”, in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, “house rules” may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy’s six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“Come on, give me one more, harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?”
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

4665

I have CDO.
It’s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order as they damn well should be!

4666

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash?  That’s much easier.

Wife: But there are poor, starving people who can really use all those clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

The husband is recovery in hospital from a head injury now.

4667

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought … “Well, aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

4668

Sure, it’s okay to talk to yourself.
It’s even okay to answer yourself, back.
But, when you start asking yourself to repeat what you just said, you might have a problem.

4669

I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

4670

Man!  I love this place!

Start using your head…that’s the lump that’s about three feet above your ass.

4671

Even the thought of us has that sort of an effect on some people.

I wonder if the clothes in China say, “Made Around The Corner” or some shit…

4672

I was so drunk last night, the police pulled somebody over on TV and I put my beer under the sofa.

4673

“Dad, why is my sister’s name Rose?”
”Because your mother loves roses.”
”Thanks, Dad.”
”No problem, B.J.”

4674

You don’t get a body like mine overnight.
It takes years of moderate alcoholism, neglect, and numerous damaging behaviors.

4675

5

4676

Oxymorons
Great Depression
Free Trade
Peacekeeper Missile
Sweet Tart
Crash Landing
Now Then
Butt Head
Sweet Sorrow
Student Teacher
Silent Scream
Taped Live
Alone Together
Good Grief
Tight Slacks
Living Dead
Near Miss
Light Tanks
Old News
Hot Chilli
Criminal Justice
Peace Force
Open Secret
Larger Half
Clearly Confused
Act Naturally
Alone Together
Hell’s Angels
Found Missing
Liquid Gas
Civil Engineer
Deafening Silence
Seriously Funny
Living Dead
Microsoft Works
Military Intelligence
Jumbo Shrimp
Advanced BASIC
Tragic Comedy
Unbiased Opinion
Virtual Reality
Definite Maybe
Original Copies
Pretty Ugly
Same Difference
Plastic Glasses
Almost Exactly
Constant Variable
Even Odds
Minor Crisis
Extinct Life
Genuine Imitation
Exact Estimate
Only Choice
Freezer Burn
Free Love
Working Holiday
Rolling Stop

4677

And that’s it for today friends.  See you next week.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments