Dragon Laffs #1672

Header1672

Good Morning Campers,

I want to start today with something that I found deep in some old emails….I have many, many emails to get through.  When I first got this beautiful new computer, I had over 2000 emails that were unread, like I said, I’ve been fighting with computers for a long time and when you only have a limited amount of time that you can spend on the computer and 95% of it is spent just trying to get the damn thing to work,well, you understand.

Anyway, I’m down to only having 750 unread emails and I came across this one that Ginny sent me on February 28th of this year.  And I gotta tell you, I’m really starting to feel this one myself.

A WINTER FRIEND
AND THEN IT IS WINTER
You know time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.  It seems like yesterday that I was young, just married, and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all those years went.
I know that I lived them all.  I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is… the winter of my life, and it catches me by surprise… How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those “older people” were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is…my friends are retired and getting grey… they move slower and I see an older person in myself now.   Some are in better and some worse shape than me… but, I see the great change… Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant…but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d be.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day!  And taking a nap is not a treat anymore… it’s mandatory!  Cause if I don’t on my own free will… I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so… now I enter this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!   But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I’m not sure how long it will last… this I know, that when it’s over on this earth… it’s over.   A new adventure will begin!
Yes, I have regrets.  There are things I wish I hadn’t done… things I should have done, but indeed, there are also many things I’m happy to have done.   It’s all in a lifetime.
So, if you’re not in your winter yet… let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.  So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly!  Don’t put things off too long!!  Life goes by quickly.  So, do what you can TODAY, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life… so, LIVE FOR TODAY and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember.. and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

“Life” is a GIFT to you.  The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.   Make it a fantastic one.


Remember:
“It is Health that is real Wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.”

 I swear it was just yesterday that I was 35 years old and young and strong and doing whatever I wanted all over the world and it was just the day before that that I was 16 and just discovering what the world was all about.

Where the hell did the time go?

So, the key, my dear campers, is to enjoy every second of every day that we have available.  As so many of our dear friends and family have proven over this last year, we never know when it will be our turn to start the next chapter in this great adventure, so let us get as much joy and love out of this one as we can.

So, then are we ready?

Then…

blank dragon14

150

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, “If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?”

Never give two names.

151

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

152

That could quite easily be Mrs. Dragon’s response.

9b

153

Whenever someone says to me, “You look familiar.  Where have I seen you before?”

I live to respond with, “Do you watch porn?”

154

My sex life is like a Ferrari…

I don’t have a Ferrari.

155

 Athenians hate mornings because Dawn is tough on Greece.

156

 My friend asked me recently what the most difficult part of being a parent is…

“Without a doubt it’s the kids.” I replied.

157

 Maybe my mom was right all those years ago.
Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye.
Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

158

 I looked into my genealogy and discovered that noses run in my familybutterfly 2

 Don’t Let Aging Get You Down.  It’s Too Damn Hard To Get Back Up!

159

 Old age is golden, or so I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My glasses on the table until I get up.

As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself:
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been!

160

 coollogo_com-39651247

 I really like this feature because there is so much to gripe about and poke fun at on both sides of the fence.

4a

4b

It had been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home.  Living in Washington D.C. he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he had ever seen before.

Bewildered, since he hadn’t heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down, stopping for a few moments, and then driving off.

Suddenly, a man knocks on his window.  John rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

The man says, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!”

“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed John.

“And they’re asking for a $100 million ransom.”

“Jeez Louise!” moaned John

“Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!”

“Lord have mercy! cried John.

“We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asked John.

“About a gallon, maybe two.  Depending on what you can afford.”

 

4c

4d

4e

4f

4g

4h

6a

 Hey, I never said it would ALL be funny.  Some of it is actually designed to piss you off. 

9c

161

Submission for a new law: You should be required to read a book for every ten (10) selfies you take.

162

Okay, that’s a really good question … and also scary as hell!!!

2b

 

If a guy only wants you for your legs, breasts, and thighs…
Send his ass to Kentucky Fried Chicken!

 

163

Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc.

Just know that I don’t give eeffoc until I’ve had my coffee.

164

Dear “kids” this one’s for you:

*Alarm goes off*
*Gets up*
*Eats*
*Sits in traffic*
*Gets to work late*
*Sits down*
[5 minutes later]
*Looks at watch*
”Cool, only 40 more years to go.”

As of this moment in time right ….NOW! (MARK!)  I have 5 years, 8 months, 19 days, 12 hours, 19 minutes, and 48 seconds to go!

But who’s counting

165


If you get a friend request from a guy named Jeremiah, it’s ok to accept … he’s a bullfrog, and a good friend of mine.

You can tell how old you are by whether you got that last joke or not.

166

Aaaaaannnnnndddddd……………. if you got that one……… you’re just a little older.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

167

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.  I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

168

I have a feeling my CHECK LIVER light may come on this weekend.

169

I dusted once.

It came back.

I’m not falling for that again.

170


I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t understand.

171

I know, right!  I was really disappointed.

9d

172

If I got paid by the amount of stupid people I deal with at work instead of by the hour, I could retire next week.

173

Thought I’d share this erudite physician with a few of my friends who may have the same question in mind…!

Will I Live to see 90 ?

  From a 70 year old friend

(Here’s something to think about.)

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 90?’

She asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then she asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

‘I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

She asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said………

She looked at me and said,

‘Then, why do you even give a shit ?’

174

Men say women should come with instructions… What’s the point of that?  Have you ever actually seen a man read the instructions?

175

Motivational

44 Special

45 ACP

50 Cent

120DB Bass Music

1937 Monster Tank Rally

1970s

1987

2002

155422 (2)

155433 (2)

155477 (2)

155488 (2)

155499 (2)

9e

Apparently, you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape.

This is cruel and unfair.

176

I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do it’s my ankle.

177

Just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my car. 

Using my phone as a flashlight.

178

When marijuana is legalized all taxes on it should go to road repair and call the program “Operation Pot Holes.”

179

Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great.  Thanks.

180

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming “I recommend the squirrel”.

181

9f

Morning Checklist:

Clothed? – Ahh…sufficiently.
Keys? – Yup, just found them.
Coffee cup? – Full!
Sanity? – Sanity? Sanity? And we have a runner!

182

*Child spits out food*

Mom: “Hey! We don’t spit.  If it’s in your mouth, you swallow.”

*Dad raises eyebrows*

Mom: “Shut the fuck up, you.”

183

Not sure why the FBI is mostly guys because a woman’s ability to find shit out is unmatched.

184

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
”Breast-fed,” she replied.
”Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.  He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.  Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don’t have any milk.”
”I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

185


Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

186

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

9g

Took down our Rebel flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.  We’ve disconnected our home alarm system and quit our candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.  Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.  Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.  I’ve never felt safer and we’re saving $49.95 a month.

187

Do you ever meet someone for the first time and immediately want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

188

And that will do it for this week my friends.  I hope you enjoyed yourselves and that I could bring a little joy into your lives.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1671

Header1672

Good Morning Campers,

God has blessed the Dragon Family.

Again.

I’m sure you all know that mine is the only income in our family.  We are the ultimate “single income family”.  Very difficult to make ends meet and we typically live pay check to pay check as many of you do every month.  But we do make ends meet…usually…and God has always provided for us…mostly.  Not steak, but burgers at least, if you get my drift.

But, as irreverent and irreligious as I am, that does by no means mean that I am a non-believer in God.  Quite the contrary.  After having been involved with just about every organized Christian religion that there is from Catholicism to Mormonism to Baptist and having studied the Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Koran, etc. I have reached my own PERSONAL decision regarding my Heavenly Father many years ago.  And I know that He has ALWAYS and Continuously watched over me and my family and provided for us what we needed when we needed it.  As strongly as I believe that God is in my heart and all around me and in everything I do, I know that organized religion is a political …. okay wait.  I’m not taking that statement any further because I know I’ll end up upsetting some of you who, I am positive, belong to a perfectly lovely church somewhere that makes you blessedly happy.  Hell, I have too in the past. 

It just never seems to last.

And I just can’t keep myself from looking behind the damn curtain.

Anyway…

God has ALWAYS made sure we’ve been taken care of.

For the last couple of years, since my hip surgery, Mrs. Dragon and I have slept in separate beds.  Mostly because the bed we had was too soft for me and the bed we acquired was too hard for her.  We needed something in-between, but couldn’t afford to go out and get one.  Not and pay for medicine, and food, and electricity, and stuff….you know….the luxuries that we had become accustomed to living with.  So, we got by.  We were both sleeping.  Not happily, but sleeping.  I would visit her or she would visit me, but neither of us could spend the night, if you know what I mean.  Getting old is a bitch and arthritis sucks.

Then the laptop goes out.  Which is not used just for Dragon Laffs.  It’s used to keep in touch with family, pay bills, etc.

Been talking to God about a bed for two years, now I’m talking to him about a laptop.  Kinda feeling a little guilty about both cause it’s more like something I want, rather than something I need.

And then the blessing happens out of the blue.

I get a letter in the mail from the VA that says that I’m entitled to a refund on my VA home loan to the cost of a new bed and laptop….almost to the penny.  Almost to the penny when we go to the discount store and get the LAST box spring and mattress that’s on clearance sale that’s the PERFECT one for us to both sleep on and if we order on line like we’re going to pick it up in the store we’re currently standing in we’ll get another 20% off and the laptop was out of stock so they’ll ship it to the house the next day and for our troubles take another 20% off so that the total of all the discounts and savings comes to within $10 of what the VA sent us.

You don’t think that God has a calculator and figured out the discounts and everything?

Yeah he did.

The Dragon Family has been blessed…

Let’s Laff

100

Frankly autocorrect, I’m getting a bit tired of your shirt.

101

I don’t need to go to AREA 51.

I’ve been to Wal Mart.

102

Here’s a cool story…one that I heard about a while ago that I believe is just kinda coming to light…

R.I.P. to an unsung hero: The man who saved the world in 1983 dies

Did you know that in 1983 the world almost ended? Most people aren’t aware of this fact due to a media blackout from the former USSR, but on the early morning of September 26th, Soviet nuclear command detected five missiles en route from the United States to Moscow. The Soviets had a 23 minute window to fire their nukes to retaliate, but one man decided to take a closer look rather than hastily pull the trigger. That man, Stanislav Petrov, suspected a computer glitch was to blame for the missile alert — and it turns out he was 100% right! Had anyone else been in charge at that moment, a full-blown nuclear exchange may have occurred. Thanks to Petrov’s intuition, however, the Cold War never had a chance to get hot. This year, Mr. Petrov passed away at age 77, and is survived by his son. May he rest in peace.

This story was secret until the fall of the USSR. The stories of many heroes often go untold.

Thanks to Kim Komando’s newsletter for that quick tidbit

103

Be careful about what you buy online .

Even if you buy stuff online , please check out the seller very carefully.

One of our known senior members just lost $4,000, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

The bastards sent him a Magnifying Glass!!!

The only instructions that came along with i t were:

“DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT!’

104

Yoga class?

I thought you said, “Pour a glass.”

105

I eat mostly whole foods:

Mostly whole Pizzas…

Mostly whole cakes…

etc…..

106

Home is where you take your pants off

107

Every mother on earth gave birth to a child.

Except my mom, she gave birth to a Legend.  High Five Mom!

 143

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  I was raised with a wooden spoon on my ass.

108

Breaking News:

Donald Trump has ties to the United States and has colluded with the American People!!

6

Ad on Facebook:

Anybody at work right now and don’t want to be there?  I’m doing family emergency calls, crying and everything, for $10 a call.  Serious Inquiries Only.

109

Husband: “Why do you keep buying plants when you just end up killing them?”

Wife: “Just to remind you what I’m capable of.”

110

Give up my carbs!

Over my bread body!

111

I love water..

Especially frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka.

112

I know I joke a lot on my posts but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.  I have a meeting a the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.  I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

113

Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

114

The Officer said, “You’re staggering.”

I said, “You’re quite handsome, yourself.”

We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

115

Try to remember the greener grass across the the fence may be due to a septic tank issue.

116

My housekeeping style is best described as “There appears to have been a struggle.”

117

For my buddy Wheats…..
5

He understands

I feel your pain brother

Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) … I can’t see you anymore … I am NOT going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up.  You did one sit up.

125

A baby can drink a full bottle and fall asleep and people say it’s cute.  But as soon as I do it, I’m an alcoholic.

126

How can I ever trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

127

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

Go ahead, take a minute and think about it.

128

That is scary wrong.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

129

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial Muscles

130

A really good point.  I don’t have little kids (or a big truck) but it’s still worth saying, could be a neighbor’s dog or cat….but a walk around your vehicle before you take off is ALWAYS a good idea.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.

Apparently he waved to another woman.  So, to get out of the awkward situation, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport.  I am now in Poland starting a new life.

131

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to to fucking work!

132

I’m super lazy today.

It’s like normal lazy, but I’m wearing a cape.

133

If your happy and you know it…it’s your meds.

134

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “ About 2 hours.”  The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”  The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”  

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.”  The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.  He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returns to the shop, laughing hysterically.  The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

135

Nurse’s week and Teacher’s week are both during Mental Health Awareness Month…

Coincidence?

I think not!

136

I went to the psychiatrist today.  She told me I had a split personality and charged me 160 dollars.

I gave her 80 dollars and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

137

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was cute and funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

138

 

Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns.  I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar use to make?  Now I’m blocked.

139

Parenting is a lot like the bar scene:

Everyone’s yelling, everything’s sticky, it’s the same music over and over again, and occasionally someone pukes.

140

The reason we have 17,000 pages in our law books is because we cannot follow 10 lines on a tablet made of stone. ~ Ravi Zacharias

141

So, here’s an oldie but goodie….

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of First Graders, using a bowl of lifesavers candies.  He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.  The children began to say:
”Red…cherry.”
”Yellow…lemon.”
”Green…lime.”
”Orange…orange.”
Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.
”Well,” he said.  “I’ll give you all a clue.  It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh My God!  They’re assholes!”

So…not quite the way I heard it before, but still pretty much the same joke.

142

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.

Finally, the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink  confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”

Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.  The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this,” and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.  The Witch Doctor says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!  All you have to do is say ;123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the Witch Doctor, “What happens when it’s over?”

The Witch Doctor says, “All you have to do is say ‘1234’ and it will go down.  But be warned.  It will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is read to surprise his wife with the good news.  So he is lying in bed with her and he says, “123.” and suddenly gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, “What did you say ‘123’ for?”

144

The sad part is, most of us have crooked heads.  Put your glasses down on a flat surface upside-down.  Do one of the arms stick up in the air?  Yup, your head is crooked.

lol

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 mph in a 35 mph zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.  When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you stopped me.  This town must be the asshole of the world!”

The magistrate looked at him and replied, “And you must be what’s passing through.”

145

There were three women waiting in a doctor’s office.
They started talking and one woman said, “I’m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I’m going to have another girl.”
One of the other ladies said, “I’m going to have a boy, I was on the top.”
The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, “Why are you crying?”
She replied, “I’m going to have puppies!!!”
 

146

coollogo_com-27359248

1st Rule of Marine Warfare

5.5 terrapixels

6 in. wide boner

10....9....8....7...

15 Seconds of fame

18th

18TimesTheSpeedOfLight

30mm cannons

There’s my baby!  That’s the one I used to install in the A-10 Thunderbolt II, lovingly called the Warthog.  I also put a LOT of 30mm ammo through that thing.

147

I’m writing a book about reverse psychology…Please don’t buy it.

148

Damn, I’m pretty sure I was married to her at one time.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong.

I can’t wait to find out what it was.

149

And that, dear friends, is that, for another week.

May you all be safe and happy until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Answered Prayers!!!!

I won’t go into great detail here (no time and I don’t want to spoil the surprise) but God has, without a doubt in the world, blessed our family.

There WILL be an issue next week.

I have been so humbled by this experience.

Cheers!!

Your humble Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Well Crap…

So, here’s the deal.

My laptop died.

Dead as a door nail.

I need to get a new one.

No easy feat. Plus, it’ll need to be set up, etc. plus I’ll have to have the data from my old one professionally recovered, although that can probably wait, if I can find all the programs I’ve acquired over the years, but I’m sure I can work that part out if I can overcome the hurtle off getting a laptop.

Which I have a line on….

So, everyone put your hands together and do a bit o’ prayin’ so your favorite dragon can get back on line and get your favorite ezine back to you.

No issue this week, but we ain’t giving up on next week.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1670

header19

Good Morning Campers,

Been a busy, busy week.  Not much in the way of a lead in today.  So, we’ll just have to laff instead.  How does that sound?

Let’s laff

5714

Now, let me see if I have this straight…

If we get nuked, it’ll be by missiles built with technology given to China by Bill Clinton…funded by Iran with money Obama gave them…with warheads developed from uranium sold to Russia by Hillary and refined by Iran into weapons-grade plutonium in Russian centrifuges bought with money Obama gave them.

And Trump is trying to undo this shit storm, but HE’S the Traitor?!?!

Amazing.

Just amazing!

5715

Funny how a person has to cover up their gun in Walmart but not their ass.

5716

Marriage Tip #2

When your wife is mowing the lawn, that’s not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.

5717

A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.

The fact that I am dragging a body should be entirely irrelevant.

5718

Sarcasm: because torturing people in your basement is “Frowned Upon”

5719

2

6a

I warned you…and I’m sorry.

5720

Okay, so that one deserved a warning as well,’’

A truck loaded with Vicks Vapor Rub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

5721

My kids say they want a cat for Christmas.

Normally, I do a turkey or a ham but hey, if it’ll make ‘em happy…

5722

Marriage let’s you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.

5723

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

5724

Area 51 is where they keep all the Walmart cashiers.

And speaking of Walmart…

10

And actually, that started before friggin’ Labor Day!!!

I have to share this exciting news with all of you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I got an email today from a dear friend.  I have no idea who he (or she) is but they started the email “Hello my dear friend,” so… you know.

The email address is from katka.harju@virolahti.fi which according to Wikipedia is in Finland!  That is so cool!  I didn’t know I had any Swedish friends!  And you can see that Katka could be a man or a woman’s name.  But, when I looked that up, that might ALSO be the name of a place in Finland.  Wow!

Anyway, the email goes on to say:

Hello my dear friend,

I have an urgent Proposal for you.

Please reply me via my private email : mrsathenajacky8@gmail.com

for more details.

Best Wishes.

Wow!  An urgent Proposal!  You can tell it’s urgent because the word Proposal is Capitalized!, so yeah!  Wow!  I’m not really sure it that’s Mr. Sathena Jacky… or Sathen A. Jacky or it could be Mrs. Athena Jacky.  Now that almost makes sense, but whatever, they want me to reply me via my private email!  Check it out!  Private!  Email!  AND!!!!!!

There are MORE DETAILS!

God, I’m so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay…

I think I’ve kicked that poor bullshit email around enough.

Time to move on to something else.

5725

When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.

5726

Run into a store with a wild look in your eyes and yell, “What year is it!?”

When someone answers, yell, “It worked!” and run out cheering.

5727

Jokes on you, hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number.  I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.

5728

What’s the difference between a kleptomaniac and a literalist?

The literalist takes things literally.

The kleptomaniac takes things, literally.

5729

I told my son we couldn’t afford something and he asked why I didn’t have more money, and I wanted to be like, “You, dude.  You are entireley the reason I don’t have more money.”

5730

Paddy was cleaning his rifle, when he shot and killed his wife, he rang 911.

Paddy: It’s me wife, I accidentally shot her, I think I’ve killed her!

Operator:  Please calm down sir, can you first make sure she is really dead?

CLICK, BANG!

Paddy: Ok, done that.  What next?

5731

Don’t fuck with us old people…

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.  As yet, the store’s merchandise wasn’t in – only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, “I’ll bet that any minute now, some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, “What are you selling here?”

One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without missing a beat, the old timer said, “You must be doing well.  Only two left.”

Seniors – don’t mess with us.  We didn’t get old by being stupid.

5732

coollogo_com-83607298

sometimes a

Sometimes

Soon, my pretties

soon

Sorry

sorry2

Sorry3

Soul_Mates

Southern Girls

 

5733

Charging $50 for a $6 case of water during a hurricane is “price gouging” yet $700 for a $5 vial of insulin is “healthcare.”

5734

Lady in front of us in 15 items or less lane with about 30 items, so I smiled and said, “Math wasn’t your strongest subject, was it?”

5735

Doing some home renovations and knocked down a wall only to find a secret, fully furnished room…and then I remembered we live in a duplex.

5736

So that’s it.  Enough for one day.  I hope you all enjoyed this week’s offering.

Love and cheers to you all.

Impish Dragon

01

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment