Dragon Laffs #1763

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Good Morning Campers,

0aaIt’s Monday … the dreaded Monday morning.  I am back to work after 4 0aa1painful days off.   I am still not 100%, but much better than I’ve been over the past couple of days, so I suppose I don’t have anything to bitch about.

I hope everyone had a marvelous weekend, and a great Father’s Day.  I enjoyed myself with my wonderful wife and daughter.  Pizza and a movie is a family tradition, but since we couldn’t go to a movie, it was ordered pizza and reruns on TV.  A great day!coollogo_com-213355198 

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This one comes from Bill E.  Thanks!

One day, Harry decided to retire … Harry an acquaintance of yours, Bill?

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.


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He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 

 

 

 

After about four months of this, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

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In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. ” I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?”
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. ” On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says “and I’ll give you a tour.” So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.404


While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Please sit down.”
“Would you like a drink?”405
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed. “I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“Oh, it’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,” I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?”
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean…” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

“You’ve built a Golf Course?”
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Oh Harry!

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breaking-news

   BREAKING NEWS:  Insurance companies are warning campers …   if your tent is stolen during the night, you won’t be covered …

Now a couple for Aussie Peter …

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Is that really a problem for you guys?

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Okay, that’s just gross…why would you live there!?

A pirate goes to the doctor and says, “I have moles on me back aaarrghh”

The doctor says, “It’s okay, they’re benign.”

Pirate, “Count again, I think there be ten!”

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The Government in Egypt has instructed the cities’ taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.  It’s hoped that a return to familiar city sounds will help restore calm following the pandemic.  Operation Toot N Calm Em will last for one week.

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This whole Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam thing gives me Deforest Kelley Face!  And now the Aunt Jemima, Uncle Ben, Mrs. Butterworth thing.  And believe it or not, Cream of Wheat and Eskimo Pie.  Oh dear Lord, Next Cracker Jack is going to have to change their name…oh, too funny … somebody already beat me to it.  I was going to Photoshop this and when I went on line to find a sample to change this is what I found …
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Does Cracker Barrel have to change to Caucasian Barrel?  Come on people!  I thought we got rid of this stupidity when we were arguing over the whole Redskin’s team name and stuff!

THIS IS ASSININE!!!!!

I’m trying really hard here, but it’s like the whole country has turned into a big pile of crying pussies afraid to offend their own shadows, crying and sniveling in the fucking corner!

EVERYONE HAS TURNED INTO A … A … FAR LEFT WING LIBERAL FUCKING SNOWFLAKE!!!!!!

GROW A PAIR OF BALLS AND OFFEND SOMEBODY!!

roflmao

Pick a word, and it can be offensive to somebody, I guess.

Corndog – offense to dogs and corn
Dragon Laffs – Why only dragons?  You are being dismissive of Orcs and you are being grammatically, exclusive
Let’s go out for Mexican – you are being discriminatory against Italians, Chinese, Steaks, etc.
How about a movie? – You are being unaccepting and non-inclusive of the non-seeing

We will soon and quite rapidly be sitting in our seats and drooling in our cups and doing nothing at all and be exactly the fucking robotic zombies that they want us to be. 

I am a youth challenged, female non-understanding, racially privileged, follicle non-enhanced, avoirdupois strengthened, and arthritically confronted.  Damn!  I’m an endangered species!  Nope, I’m an old, fat, balding white guy with arthritis. 502Damn Right, Granny!

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armadillo blank

Did You Know:  (With an Armadillo?  This ought to be good)  An Armadillo’s Armor can deflect bullets.  (Hence the name … Armor-Dillo)  (Jackass)

 

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Here’s a comment from our dear hairy buddy Sasquatch …

Sasquatch

Another fine edition but Zima?? Really? Bourbon maybe. Here in the backwoods we are more of “hold my beer and watch this” not “hold my Zima while I get a coaster”. Ahhhh who am I kidding, around here it’s more of “let’s do a shot while I hold this guy’s beer. This could be entertaining “

Yeah, it’s not me … truly.  I just post what I’m sent.  I didn’t think you were much of a Zima guy.  Honestly I think the term “Zima Guy” is a bit of an oxymoron as is.  I think it dates back to some television commercial or something.  Trying to make Zima seem more manly.  Is that even possible? 

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Jumbo Shrimp – another oxymoron

Leah D.

Last night my friend said, “I thought Trump said if she (Seattle Mayor) doesn’t clean it out (Chaz, Chop, Hypocrisyville), he was going to do it. What happened?”
I told her they have become the Nation’s entertainment. The best comedy series ever! Each day reveals new laughs, like: How To Grow A Garden on Cardboard, How To show Equality by posting a sign saying “For Blacks Only”, How to Emphasize a Peaceful Protest by Changing your Name from Chaz to CHOP . . . I can hardly wait for the Make a Flag episode . . . will it have a pork chop or an Axe on it?!

We were talking about this at work the other day and came up with some great ideas.  Put cameras and commentators and it could be the next great American Reality show…  especially with like cameras on drones and the right commentators … Tonight on CHAZ … Billy has been hiding out, taking drugs from Johnny and Sam, redistribution of the common property, right?  That’s right Don, but tonight on CHAZ, Billy doesn’t realize that Johnny and Sam are sick and tired of Billy’s shit and you get to watch the action go down live right here … if it’s done right, the advertisers would be beating themselves up to buy the rights to that show. 

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coollogo_com-68369 (2)

Fear

Ferrari

Flexibility

Mr Rogers

Mullet

Multitasking

Muslim Drivers

my balls

my daughter

My death

My DNA

My Name

my office

My Poker Face

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Leah D


HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO YOU AND ALL THE FATHERS OUT THERE!
My husband is so excited. Today, we are hauling a 6 ft folding table out to the lawn, so his son and wife can come over, have a beer and celebrate the day! He has missed having anyone to share beer thirty with him, since we went in to isolation in early March.

Sounds like a Great Father’s Day to me!  And thanks!  I had a great one!

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Maggie

Impish,

I hope that you have a marvelous FATHERS DAY !!!!
Maggie

Thanks Maggie, I did have a marvelous Father’s Day!  Better than I could have imagined.  A fine day for a dragon!

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And that is it for today.  I hope you guys have a great day.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1762

Fathers Day

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Father’s Day.  A day we celebrate one of the most important responsibilities life has to offer.  The responsibility of Fatherhood.  I won’t go into what it means to be a father, you know if you’re doing it correctly and, if you look in your heart, you know if you’re doing it wrong.

Fathers Day 1

So, here’s to all you Dad’s out there!  Remember: A Father is a Man who pours everything he is into being a Dad.

Happy-Fathers-Day-2

This is also the 14th Anniversary of Dragon Laffs … at least in this iteration.  14 Wonderful years.  My wish is for at least 14 more years.  And I hope you guys will stay with me for all of those years.

Okay, enough of all that.  So, now …

Let's Laugh 2

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A bee keeper went into a pet shop and asked for 12 bees.  He was handed his bees and counted 13.  “You’ve given me 13 bees.” He said.  The shopkeeper replied, “That one is a freebie.”

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I stepped on a Cornflake.  I’m now officially a cereal killer.

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So, it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

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Uh oh!  Don’t let the Democrats see this cartoon…it will be banned for playing guns!

Getting Older is just one body part after another saying, “Ha, Ha!  You think that’s bad?  Watch this.”

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I miss the 90s, when bread was still good for you, and no one knew what kale was.

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If you see me talking to myself, I’m having a staff meeting.

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I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.

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Let’s play a fun quarantine game:   Someone deposit money in my bank account and I’ll try to guess who it was.

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Yup, cup size is definitely going to make a difference.

Motivational5

Fashion Police

Fast Food

Motivational Commando Wabbits

Motivational FatCops

Motivational Happiness

Motivational Horseplay

Motivational Instant Karma

Motivational NASCAR

Motivational Thriller

Motivational Where will you be

Motivational Word of God

Motivational%20Women

Motorboating

Mountain Biking

moustaches

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Thanks to Bill E. for this perfect explanation …

I can’t keep up. I just can’t. I’m exhausted trying to figure out what we’re all supposed to do, believe, and be outraged by next.

Two months ago, First Responders were all the rage. In fact, they were heroes. We gave them free coffee, meals, and cheers as they drove by. Today we hate them and want them defunded because they can’t be trusted.

Nurses and Doctors are still okay for now, but they may be unemployed.

Just 45 days ago protests weren’t “essential” and were considered criminal, selfish and a murderous activity. Today they are gloriously critical and celebrated. All of the obvious criminal and murderous activities are simply ignored. If you protest about lockdowns for freedom, you are selfish and you will spread a virus. If you protest, loot, and riot for social justice, you are a warrior and the virus cedes.

Trust the experts. No, not those experts. Don’t wear masks … wear masks, but only good ones. Wait, don’t wear masks, wear anything as a mask. Never mind on the masks. Not sure, but if you don’t, you hate people because you could be an asymptomatic spreader. Wait. That’s not a thing anymore?

For 3 months, NOTHING was more important than social distance. In fact, we gave up all of our liberties for it. We canceled schools, medical and dental procedures, canceled activities, closed businesses, eliminated every spring rite of passage from prom to graduation, denied people funerals, even at Arlington, and we wrecked the economy for it. Then came social justice, and social distance was no more. Now things are more cut and dry though. A thousand people at three memorials for someone they never even met. It’s a matter of “respect”. But you can only assemble 100 or less people, right?

Black Lives Matter. Of course they do. Then multiple black police officers and individuals were killed during the “peaceful protests”. I don’t see any outrage. Black individually owned businesses burned to the ground. Silence. Deadliest weekend in Chicago. NOTHING!!

I’m really confused now. Look at the data, NO, not that data. Do the math. No, you can’t do the math like that. Only the experts can understand the data and math. What do you mean other cities/states/governors are interpreting the data differently? Pools are safe in Indiana, but not Michigan? Playgrounds are safe in your town but not mine? Amusement parks are safe in Florida but not Ohio?

Just listen to the black community leaders. No, not them.

If you are silent you are part of the problem. If you speak, you are part of the problem. If you have to ask, you don’t understand. If you don’t ask, you don’t care.

It’s all so predictable, tedious, and exhausting. Nothing adds up. It’s one gigantic common core Math life problem, with ever changing denominators that I’m sure the media and politicians are eagerly ready to solve for us….until the next “crisis”.

Now I understand … no, I’m confused … no, I under … wait…

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When I see rich, snooty looking women at the grocery store, I pretend I need something and say, “Excuse me, do you work here?” just to help keep things real.

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Stuntman on TV:  Don’t try this at home.

Me:  [sitting on the couch, eating out of a 5 lb. bag of M&Ms] Ok

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Here’s a great CHAZ tourism video, donated thanks to Leah D.  Thanks Leah D!  CHAZ Tourism   https://youtu.be/ZJFV18CJ4Hw

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Has anybody ever actually gotten salmonella from eating raw cookie dough or are people just trying to stop me from living my best life?

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No wonder more people know I’m from New Jersey when I’ve been drinking.  And it’s much harder for people to understand me.

Guys I need your help!

I’m in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I’m right.  What the hell do I do next?!

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Okay, well that’s embarrassing.

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Pro Tip:  (Oh crap, here we go!) Ladies, the quickest way to get your husband to fix something is to get out his tools and start the project yourself. (*sputter* You fucking traitor!)

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Did You Know: (Traitor!)  (Not me, that was the other guy) (I think you are the same guy) (I am not … I mean … we are not) (Anyway, go on, what don’t I know) (Oh yeah …) A shark’s liver can account for up to 30% of its total body mass.  (Yeah, I know some people that are like that, as well) (traitor)

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Thoughts worth thinking:   Starfish have mouths in the middle of their bodies … Mermaids use them as bras.

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ROFLMAO!  Yeah … I’ve done it, too!

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Okay, so I just got an email from Tom J, who would also like to throw in on the car going the wrong way in the drive thru conversation … take it away, Tom J:

I need to comment on the car going backwards at the drive through. The electric window on the drivers side wasn’t working and they didn’t think there would be room to get the door open to get their food that way. The passenger side window was working. Why do I know this? I had a similar experience one time when I wanted to use the local ATM.

Okay, the voice of experience.  Gotta love that.  I think that is a really good explanation.  Any others?

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I’m not sure, cause I’m wearing my own ass out, but I may have used that last one before already.  So, a couple more and we’ll call it an issue.

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Okay, so with that horrible pun, we’ll call it a day.

Love and happy father’s day to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1761

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Good Morning Campers,

0aaaSo, feeling much better today, thank you very much.  It’s wonder what modern chemical pharmaceuticals can do … especially when added to some of the world’s best distilled medication.  Smirnoff Red, White, & Berry over ice has become one of my favorites.  It’s got to be my Polish heritage.  0aa1

But this morning requires copious amounts of another liquid … and I imagine all of you can imagine what that liquid is … that sweet, hot, sexy coffee.  The drink of life.  The elixir of the Gods.  The fluid that is pumping through my veins.  I probably drink more of that stuff than anything else. 

0aa

Anyway, I took the day off today, figuring I wouldn’t be either in the0 mood to, or in the condition for work.  Turns out I probably could have gone in to work today, but whether I should have gone in to work today … well … I guess it’s kind of a moot point now, but just because I feel okay now, doesn’t mean I will feel okay later on.  But, I am going to take it easy, just like the doctor ordered.

And in today’s issue, hopefully I’ll be able to get to a bunch of the stuff I haven’t been able to get to over the last couple of days.  We’ve had some nice comments sent in and we’ve had some comments on the comments, which is nice to see.  It means that people are actually checking to see if people are reading their comments. 

d16Anyway, you guys don’t want to sit here and listen to me rambling on and on.  I know what you really want to do … you want to laugh.  And in order to do that … I need to do this …

Let's Laugh1

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Oh Yuck!!!

Statistically, a gun is much less likely to be used in a crime than a Democratic Senator.

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That is just wrong!Oh No!

ANTISTALKING (v) learning someone’s routine so you can avoid them.

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“What’s the quickest way to Cork?” I asked the Irish farmer.

“Are you walking or driving?” He said.

“Driving,” I replied.

“Yes, that would be the quickest.”

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Did you know: Bloody hell!  Already?  We just started.  Dumbledore is an Old English word for “Bumblebee”  That’s it?  That’s it.  Well … that wasn’t bad … in fact … that was kinda interesting. 

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And that answers SO many questions.

My favorite part of 2020 so far is how ordering takeout most nights of the week is now considered “supporting” local businesses and not being a lazy ass who just doesn’t want to cook … again.

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My cousin Billy still works for the Electric Company.

Two blondes walk into a building.

You’d think one of them would have seen it.

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I do!  I do!Dragon

I don’t have a bucket list, but my fucket list is a mile long.

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People say that laughter is the best medicine ~ your face must be curing the World!

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Oh OUCH!

“Wow, that Lean Cuisine really filled me up”, said no one, ever.

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And if you don’t get that, you had such a sad childhood.

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Why do eggs come in flimsy Styrofoam cartons and batteries come in a package only a chainsaw can open?

That’s a really good question … I’ve got another really good question … why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

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How much dip would a dipshit shit if a dipshit could shit dip?

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Pro Tip:  You’re the same guy who does the “Did You Know” bit aren’t you?  Guys with an eye patch and three fingers sell the best fireworks.  Yup, I was right.

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Taking back your ex is like buying your shit back from your own garage sale.

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Guys have been social distancing in the men’s room … always.

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“I can’t wait till I’m grown” has got to be the dumbest shit I’ve ever said.

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How do you sleep at  night knowing people don’t like you?

With no underwear in case they want to kiss my ass.

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Yup, same thing always happens to me, too.

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Okay, it’s time, let’s do some of these …

coollogo_com-73072376

Farmers Daughter

Moral High Ground

Morale

morans

Moron

Mother in law visits

mother's day

Mother's Love

motivation

Motivation2

Motivation3

Motivational Alligators

Motivational Beavis

Motivational Cheating

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I have never, ever seen any Alcohol Company use a drunk person for any advert.  Are they ashamed of their customers?

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Yeah, yeah … there’s a bunch of you who won’t get that one, either.

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Mail Call 2

Alright, settle down.  Grab a drink … let’s get caught up on the mail.  First one is from Leah D.  One of our most popular commenters.

Leah D

WARNING! If you have a problem with an individual high on drugs, Do Not Call Police! To do so means your house will be burned down.

Okay Leah, seems like there’s a lot going on here in just a couple of sentences.  Are you speaking from experiences or just postulating based on something you’ve heard or read?  I think if your house had been burned down we would have gotten a little more information from you, so I think we’ll assume that it was something else.  Usually if I have an issue with someone who’s high on drugs, it’s amicably settled with more drugs, but that’s just me.

Next is our good buddy Sasquatch with some sage advice on whore houses …

Sasquatch

In reply to Leah D.

As long as we are discussing whore houses, a question from my business class.

Q. Is it better to have a 1 story or 2 store whorehouse?

A. 1 story…. no f-ing overhead.

Hmm, I don’t remember Leah discussing whore houses … but, be that as it may, it seems to be good advice, just the same, and I’m going to assume that Sasquatch would attend a business class that would have good advice on whore houses … I don’t know why that makes sense to me, but it seems to.

Next, James C comments on the picture of the car that was backwards in the drive thru … remember that one?

James C

I would imagine the car backwards in the drive through is one of those Japanese imports with right hand drive.

Wait … what?  Why does it have to be a Japanese import that has a right hand drive?  I have driven a European Ford and an American Ford that were exactly the same car, just with the steering wheel on the opposite sides and neither of them were made in Japan.  Although I suppose the one in the picture could have been made in Japan … why are we talking about this, again?

From Brenda C … who has probably the greatest email address ever! …

Brenda C

really looking forward to all those e mails from lawyers for compensation for condensation…great bunch of stuff to see today and share with all my other quarantined in friends…better than all the drama I keep seeing every day….keep up the good work…

Thanks Brenda … I’m trying.  Okay, let’s go back to some fun stuff and maybe we’ll catch up on the rest of the comments tomorrow … cause there’s still a bunch left.

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I say, during Phase 2, we close Walmart, Costco, and all the other big names and let all the small businesses and mom & pop stores have a turn at making money.

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Joe Biden would probably pick AOC as his running mate, except you can’t have two dummies in a ventriloquist act.

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This one is close to home, so must be shared …

Bozo criminal for today comes from Elkhart County, Indiana, where bozo Michael Dever was cruising down the highway in his souped up Mustang. Cruising at 120 in a 70 MPH zone. Indiana State Police officers gave chase and pursued him for 25 miles before troopers threw stop sticks in his path. And just why didn’t he stop? His bozo excuse was that he thought the cops wanted to race. Uh-huh. He’s charged with resisting police, reckless driving and several moving violations.

Doesn’t surprise me at all … not a bit.

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Stupid isn’t a strong enough word for what they are doing up in Seattle with CHAZ, CHOP, or whatever the hell they are calling it today.  Hypocrisyville is a good name for it.  What a bunch of dumbasses. 

The best thing we can do?  Sit back, watch them fall flat on their faces, and laugh our asses off at them while they do.  While the whole world watches!

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Did You Know:  (Okay, giving you the benefit of the doubt on this one) The average daily diet of a Giant Panda consists of 20 to 40 pounds of bamboo.  (!?)  With a hefty diet like that, they defecate up to 40 times a day.  (I give you the benefit of the doubt and you give me Panda Shit)  Okay, then how about this one!

Did You Know: (This better be good!  Or …) (Or what?)  Less than 66 years separate the Wright Brothers’ first flight in 1903 and the Apollo 11 Moon Landing in 1969.  (Okay, that was pretty cool.  Only 66 years from first flight to landing on the moon!  And now, what have we done in the 51 years since then?  We should have a colony on the moon by now!  We should have landed on Mars by now!  We should have …) (Okay, Okay, we get it!)

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 I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

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1aAnd with that, I’m going to call it an issue.  I hope you all enjoyed reading this one as much as I enjoyed writing it.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the website.  Cheers to you all!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1760

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Good Morning Campers,

Wow, my mouth hurts!  Two teeth pulled.  It really sucks getting older.  Try to avoid it for as long as you can.  Stay young.  Stay strong.  And you know the best way to do that?  Laugh!  That’s right!  Laugh!  Laugh at the bastards who are trying to feed you bullshit.  Laugh at the world.  Although, I gotta tell you, right now, laughing hurts.  So, it’s a little too early for alcohol, but not for pain meds, so I’m going to sit here and let you guys read some funny stuff, while I wait for it to become five o’clock somewhere. 

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Leah has an idea that might just work …

What if instead of becoming criminals, the rioters joined the police academy and became the change they want to see?

Well, that would require an effort and a commitment that I’m not sure that would be willing to expend.  That’s a whole lot more difficult than just bitching and gripping about about a problem.  Being part of the solution is always more difficult than being part of the problem.

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“As far as this week’s paint theme, there’s thousands upon thousands of police officers in this country that serve us very well and they do not deserve to be disrespected and not be appreciated,” Harmon said in a statement to CNN. “We at MHR want to send the message (that the deaths of police officers killed in the line of duty) wasn’t in vain and that they’re not forgotten and very much appreciated.”

NASCAR Driver Debuts Blue Lives Matter Inspired Car

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And here’s another one for brother Sasquatch…

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You guys have heard of this CHAZ bullshit going on up in Seattle, right?  Laughable, is the best thing I have to say about it.  It’s funny watching them do and say the exact things that they have been rallying against.  But, then we get this one and it just cracked me up: 

404Enforcing private property rights in an anarchist utopia has proven difficult. One of the CHAZ occupiers took to Reddit over the weekend to complain that their tent had been looted and their laptop stolen, along with $400 in cash. The CHAZ community quickly stepped in to reassure the victim that “a disadvantaged resident was in greater need of the items than you,” and to think of the theft as an “unplanned donation.”

What was it that George Orwell said so many years ago, “All pigs are equal … it’s just that some pigs are more equal than others.”  I’m probably paraphrasing a bit.  And if you don’t know what I’m talking about, your education is sorely lacking.  Cracks me up.  You gets whats you pays for fellows.

 

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Amen! 

This is what we’ve been saying at Dragon Laffs since the beginning.  And even though Drew Brees may have backed down from his stand on kneeling during the National Anthem (and this dragon has lost all respect for him because of it), we will NEVER change our stand that there is only one acceptable thing you can do during the playing of ANY country’s national anthem, and that is stand respectfully. 

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Again, another AMEN!

Amen

And I don’t particularly care what your opinion is.  (Just like the old saying, “Opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one and most of them stink.”)  You can be a Rebel rousing screaming bigot, and I will defend your right to that opinion, but keep your fucking mouth shut about it and don’t try to foist that opinion off on me and try to make it so that I’m supposed to feel that way, too.  Now, having said that, I don’t have to keep my opinion to myself here at Dragon Laffs, because I OWN Dragon Laffs.  If you don’t care for or share my opinion, I will happily show you where the door is.  This is an ezine for LIKE minded folks.  OR at a minimum, people who understand that we can have differing opinions about things and it doesn’t mean we have to hate each other because of it.  When did it start becoming a rule that if I disagreed with you, that I have to burn your fucking house down?  I must’ve missed that damn memo.

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3a2

Have we reached the ultimate stage of absurdity where some people are held responsible for things that happened before they were born, while other people are not held responsible for what they themselves are doing today?

Yup, it seems that way.

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Oh HELL no!

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Corona season, then Riot season, now Hurricane season … Do I need a mask?  A Glock? Or a Generator?

You know, as an Emergency Manager, you’d think this would be an exciting time for me … I don’t like exciting times.  Like I tell the base populace, “If you hear my voice coming over the loud speakers … shits done gone terribly wrong.”

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This next one is from Brenda C and actually, I think it is partially plagiarized from an older joke, but it is laugh out loud, tears run down your face funny, so we’ll run it again, even if you’ve seen it before.

The electric fence and the lawnmower..

We have a 6 ft. Square tube and welded wire fence in the front yard, and last Saturday, when I heard the ANTIFA Punks might be bringing their BS out to the country, I wanted to make sure they ran into a little resistance before meeting my Kimber 9mm, so I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 12.5 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, welded a 1/2 masonry bit to a piece of round rod,  and sunk the ground rod  7.5 feet into the limestone..The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

On Wednesday my idiot neighbors hired another idiot to trim all their oak trees, yes in June, so now they will all probably die of oak wilt but that’s a whole other story, and one of the limbs came crashing down on top of my fence leaving the main wire down in the yard. So yesterday I’m mowing the yard with my 5 hp Briggs and Stratton push mower. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger so I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

Well my sweet little wife had seen that the fence was unplugged and thought one of the dogs had accidentally done it, so she plugged it back in “for me”….How very thoughtful of her.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my   right hand and the 1.21 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time…….stood……..still……….

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and damn lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot poop, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a HEMI turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on ranches so I know all about electric fences … but Grandpa always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the solid limestone rock. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into   a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please die …. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam engine waiting for the go command from it’s driver’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of June , 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own front yard , begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day …. he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still average size yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the bedroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

Yesterday changed my life.

I now have a newfound respect for things.

I appreciate the little things more, and now I will always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if someone does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which will also remind me to triple check before I mow.

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Me too!!

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We have officially reached the stage where pretending to be a good person is more important than actually being a good person.

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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and one hand that just sits there like “I don’t know how to hold a pencil.”

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I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pant legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

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I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

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coollogo_com-89813457

False Advertising

Mistakes2

modern warfare

moms_minivan

Monday morning commute

Monday

mondays

mondays2

Money

Monkeywith

monster under the bed

Monsters

Moon walking

Moon

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And here’s an oldie but goodie from brother Wheats!

The perfect man!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. 

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was really something special..

Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.’

Passenger: ‘Wow, what a guy !

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: How did you meet him?

Cabbie: “I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

One of my favorites.

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This year sure has been a pretty intense Epstein murder distraction cover up …

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Tulsa PD Major Travis Yates, with 27 years on the job, is warning of an oncoming police exodus. “You aren’t going to have to abolish the police, we won’t be around for it,” he declared.  And it’s happening … read an article this morning about On-duty Atlanta Police Officers Walking off the job.  And what the hell did we expect?

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Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Kiev, Russia comes the story of a bozo fisherman who came up with a rather unique, illegal and dangerous way of catching fish. He connected a long extension cord to the main power supply at his home and then ran the wire down to a nearby river. His idea was to toss the cord into the water, shocking the fish which would then float to the surface whereupon they could be scooped up. Everything worked fine until he got to the scooping up part. Our bozo forgot to unplug the extension cord before wading into the river to retrieve the fish. Needless to say, he won’t be shocking any more fish.

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Okay, that’s it … so much I didn’t get to today … sigh … but I guess there’s always next time.

Be well, be safe, be happy.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1759

Header1756

Good Morning Campers,

Yeah, I do kinda like this header … LOL!

So, it’s Wednesday and I took a half a day off because I needed do the mowing because I’m having another tooth pulled tomorrow ..hopefully while you are reading this.  Just cooked a couple of steaks on the grill, it’s already late, but I’m going to try to push out a quick issue.  I’ve gotten a lot emails from you guys so, if something interesting comes up, I’ll bring it up.  I’ve worked three days in the office this week and it has been … interesting.  Nothing out of the ordinary, but mostly the place was at maybe half staffing.  It was, weird. 

But, let’s get to the stuff that you guys want and I’ll interject stuff as we go along, how does that sound?  I hear a rousing cheer in the background, so let’s do that.

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How many of you remember that movie?

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The gas pump said, “Do not leave pump unattended.”  So after I finished pumping, I had to wait almost 15 minutes, until another customer came along to relieve.  Someone needs to change those rules.

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Me:  Most dust is human skin flames therefore Roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all.

Therapist:  Can we go back to discussing your childhood.

Me:  One sec

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar.  The rabbit says, “I think I may be a typo.”

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Pro Tip:

In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place hotdogs and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first.

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Yup, shit gonna happen.

If you’re not in my circle of trust, you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

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Dear “Ban Gun” Teenagers,
9 kids die a day from texting and driving.  Let’s ban your cell phone, too.  Also your car.

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98.4% of mass murders have occurred in Gun-Free Zones

If Gun Control Works, Why Hasn’t It?

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This one is for you brother Sasquatch!!

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Thoughts on Housekeeping

 

Vacuuming too often weakens the carpet fibers. Say this with a serious face, and shudder delicately whenever anyone mentions Carpet Fresh.

Dust bunnies can evolve into dust rhinos when disturbed. Rename the area under the couch “The Galapagos Islands” and claim an ecological exemption.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduces the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your spouse points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, “What? And spoil the mood?”

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability. Roll your eyes when you say this.

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the door knob vigorously, fake a growl and say, “I’d love you to see our Den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive.”

Don’t bother repainting. Simply scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, “Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident…I haven’t had the heart to clean it…”

Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, “I clean and I clean and I still don’t get anywhere…”

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My therapist told me to cut back on wine … then we laughed and laughed.

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“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion.

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I would never have believed that a few weeks of uncut hair would weigh 20 pounds, but that’s what the scale says.

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Meth

mexican hat dance

Mexican Wolves

Mexicans

microstring bikini

Military Intelligence

Military Vision

milk

mime-attack

mirrors

Misconception

Miss America

Missing The Point

Mission Accomplished

mission Failed

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Bozo criminal for today comes from Oswego, New York, where bozo Jesse Johnson walked into a grocery store and asked the clerk if the three pies he wanted to buy would be cheaper if he used his frequent shopper discount card to purchase them. The clerk scanned the card to find out the answer. While he was scanning the card our bozo pulled out a gun and demanded the clerk hand over the cash, which he did. Our bozo escaped with about $600 but was quickly apprehended by police who obtained his name and address off the shopper’s discount card that the clerk had just scanned.

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Did you know:  Oh, here we go … Despite producing 95% of the world’s Bourbon, the state drink of Kentucky is MILK!  No way!  Way!  No Way!  Way!

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Okay, ran out of time.  That’s it, but it’s something.

Love you guys.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments