Dragon Laffs #1957 – They are really beginning to chap my hind quarters!

Good Morning Campers, 

Tuesday night, during the minor elections … well, I shouldn’t say minor, because they were quite important to the states that were running them … the leftist pundits on the MSNBC were practically in tears with the Republican wins that were going on.  They were making ALL kinds of excuses, from what I understand, I say from what I understand because I was quite busy throwing darts at the time and picked up what I saw next from video taped copies just a little while ago. 

Anyway, the clip that I saw showed Joy Reid from MSNBC who was blaming one of the loses on and I’m quoting here because I had to replay the video several times to get the wording exactly right: “It was ‘education’ (and she used air quotes around the word education) … let me start again, so you get the full impact of her bullshit … “It was ‘education’, which is code for white parents don’t like the idea of teaching about race.”  No, “Ms. Reid”, which is code for intelligent people who think you are a blathering idiot, it has nothing to do with teaching about race and everything to do with teaching our children reading, writing, and arithmetic and NOT teaching them that they are inherently evil because they were born a certain color.  Isn’t that the same racism that you are so adamantly against?  Yup.  You insufferable, disgusting racist.  Telling parents that they do not have the right to tell school boards what they should be teaching their children is WRONG!  And parents, School boards are elected positions, you don’t like who’s on the school boards, get rid of their asses and elect someone else! 

“Education” is code for white parents don’t like the idea of teaching about race!  Have you ever heard anything so asinine in your entire life!  I don’t watch MSNBC or CNN because I think it’s a load of horse crap served up by people who should be ashamed of themselves for spewing such lies and self-serving non-sense, but we used to have laws put in place by the FCC.  Shouldn’t they put stations like that off the air for hazardous communication or fouling the airwaves or indecency or something?  Come on! 

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for this morning that’s stuck in my craw.  I think we ought to get on with the laughs at this point.    

I see a lot of really good and scary stuff on China that I can’t share with you, so when someone sends me something that’s open source (that means out in the public) that’s good and worth reading, I have to pass it on.  This is well worth reading and you guys should really take heed.  I don’t know that there’s anything that can be done about it … but it’s still worth reading.  Especially since we all know who’s in bed with China.  Thanks to Sasquatch for passing this along. 

A very sobering message, especially to politicians. Real Time” host Bill Maher closed his show Friday night by sounding the alarm on China’s growing dominance over the United States.
 
“You’re not going to win the battle for the 21st century if you are a silly people. And Americans are a silly people,” Maher began the monologue, alluding to a “Lawrence of Arabia” quote.
 
Do you know who doesn’t care that there’s a stereotype of a Chinese man in a Dr. Seuss book? China,” he said. “All 1.4 billion of them couldn’t give a crouching tiger flying f— because they’re not a silly people. If anything, they are as serious as a prison fight.”
 
Maher acknowledged that China does “bad stuff” from the concentration camps of Uyghur Muslims to its treatment of Hong Kong. But he stressed, “There’s got to be something between an Authoritarian Government that tells everyone what to do and a representative Government that can’t do anything at all.”
 
“In two generations, China has built 500 entire cities from scratch, moved the majority of their huge population from poverty to the middle class, and mostly cornered the market in 5G and pharmaceuticals. Oh, and they bought Africa,” Maher said, pointing to China’s global Silk Road infrastructure initiative. He continued: “In China alone, they have 40,000 kilometers of high-speed rail. America has none. … We’ve been having Infrastructure Week every week since 2009 but we never do anything. Half the country is having a never-ending woke competition deciding whether Mr. Potato Head has a d— and the other half believes we have to stop the lizard people because they’re eating babies. We are a silly people.
 
“Nothing ever moves in this impacted colon of a country. We see a problem and we ignore it, lie about it, fight about it, endlessly litigate it, Sunset Clause it, kick it down the road, and then write a Bill where a half-assed solution doesn’t kick in for 10 years,” Maher explained.
 
“China sees a problem and they fix it. They build a dam. We debate what to rename it.”
 
Then he cited how it took “ten years” for a bus line in San Francisco to pass its environmental review and how it took “16 years” to build the Big Dig tunnel in Boston, comparing that to a 57-story skyscraper that China built in “19 days” and Beijing’s Sanyuan Bridge, which was demolished and rebuilt in “43 hours.”
 
“We binge-watch, they binge-build. When COVID hit Wuhan, the city built a quarantine center with 4,000 rooms in 10 days and they barely had to use it because they quickly arrested the rest of the disease,” Maher said. “They were back to throwing raves in swimming pools while we were stuck at home surfing the dark web for black market Charmin.
 
We’re not losing to China, we lost. The returns just haven’t all come in yet. They’ve made robots that check a kid’s temperature and got their asses back in school. Most of our kids are still pretending to take Zoom classes while they watch TikTok and their brain cells fully commit ritual suicide.”
 
Maher then blasted Democratic New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio, accusing him of degrading school standards by eliminating merit and substituting a lottery system for admittance to schools for advanced learners.
 
“Do you think China’s doing that, letting political correctness get in the way of nurturing their best and brightest?” Maher continued. “Do you think Chinese colleges are offering courses in ‘The Philosophy of Star Trek, ‘The Sociology of Seinfeld,’ and ‘Surviving the Coming Zombie Apocalypse’? Those are real and so is China. And they are eating our lunch. And believe me, in an hour, they’ll be hungry again.”

 

Who left the bag of idiots open?

Police have reported a man going into local craft stores dipping his testicles in glitter. 

It’s pretty nuts.

Never heard a female say, “I had a good man, but I fucked up …”  Y’all never do nothing wrong, huh?

“Daddy, I found him and I fed him, can I now keep him?”

Let’s do a little mail while we have the time, shall we? 

Pete

If I am “one of your more saner voices of reason” you are indeed in trouble!

And just so the rest of you know, that was “Friggin’ Pete who sent that last one, and yeah Pete … scary as that is, you really are.  He also writes: 

You are welcome, Impish, thank you for your words. I have been on the net since 1996, had my own e-zine, ran a couple of groups, was a mod in a couple and have seen a lot of things I wish I would have keep. As I get older, a lot of them would have meant more to me now but, once in a while I find stuff hidden that I have kept and will send them to you when I find them. I love that you use so much that I send and that you like my writings. Thank you!
Friggin Pete  

Yup, that’s the way this whole thing works, my friend.  I share with you, you share with me, we all share with each other and all our lives are richer for it. 

dowchuckil

another really good ‘un ! thanx dragon man.  

Thank you, dear friend!

Hank H

I couldn’t agree more with your opening statement  

Thanks Hank!  I got more messages and I actually got a message from WordPress saying that that particular issue was either the highest viewed or one of the highest viewed of all times, and I think it must have been because of my opening.  I think I hit an awful lot of people’s hot button with that one and it either got passed around … a lot or replayed somewhere.  Who knows.  I do it for you guys.  That’s all that matters.

 

 

If war breaks out between India and Pakistan, who will answer the phone at the call center?

I Googled, “Who Gives a Shit?” 

My name wasn’t in the search results. 

I cannot verify the truth of this next statement, but it is CERTAINLY worth thinking about!

Do not fuck with a woman who can do shots of tequila without cringing.  She’s the type who will fight you with one titty out in front of the police.

Brothers-In-Arms

You can’t leave those who created the problem in charge of the solution.

This one goes out to my Essential Oil Friends …

Which oil calms household family members down? 

Chloroform? 

It is Chloroform, isn’t it?

I USED TO DRINK

… but that was hours ago.

I hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need and I have to go home, change out of my pajamas and take a shower so I can go to Target.

You guys have overwhelmed me with political stuff!  I’m gonna throw a few extras in today to make some room, but … keep them coming!!!!

President Biden visits a remote Native American reservation.  With news crews following him around as they tour the place, the President asks the chief if there was anything they need. 

“Well,” says the chief, “We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor to man it.”  Biden whips out his cellphone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes, and then hangs up. “I’ve pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days.”

“Now what was the second problem?”

“We have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years.  We’ve been flying bottled water in, and it’s terribly expensive.” 

Once again, Biden dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. “The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people.”

 “Now what was that third problem?”  The chief looks at him and says, “We have no cellphone reception up here!”

I don’t get nearly enough credit in life for the things I manage not to say. 

~ Meg Rosoff

If things get real bad and you have to resort to cannibalism remember: Vegans First.  They’re the closest thing to grass fed.

The jobs we have to do sometimes…

And that’s it… May your day be filled with love and happiness.

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Dragon Laffs #1956 – Okay, so I really tried …

Good Morning Campers, 

I’ve tried to be good.  I really have.  But, I can’t keep my mouth shut over this one.  I could just cry I’m so frustrated.  The Biden administration is making plans to pay illegal immigrants that were separated from their families $450,000 per person.  Which means almost a million dollars at a minimum for a parent separated from a child. 

FOR BREAKING THE LAW! 

For Coming here illegally. 

If you do that in any other country the BEST you can hope for is to be put in jail, here you get to be a millionaire. 

And that’s my money and your money. 

That’s more money than the family of a military member who is killed in action gets.  That’s topped off at $400,000.  That’s more money then most of the 911 families received.  And yes, I know, that was caused by another country, but I’m just using that as a comparison. 

So, an illegal alien is more important to our current government administration than an American servicemember who gives his life for his country.  Someone who is willing to sneak into this country against the law, steal our stuff, break our laws, is worth more to our president, than an honorable American who makes the ultimate sacrifice and lay down his life to protect his friends, family and loved ones … and YOUR friends, family and loved ones back home. 

THAT IS WHAT OUR PRESIDENT THINKS OF YOU! 

Just another example of him putting America LAST … AGAIN! 

As a Veteran this turns my stomach.  As an American citizen this turns my stomach.  And as a taxpayer, this pisses me off!  You are using MY money to reward lawbreakers.  Why don’t you just pay car thieves to steal cars or arsonists to burn shit down?  It’s the same damn thing! 

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THEM!?!?  If this, alone, is not a clear enough sign for impeachment then I don’t know what is. 

Okay … 

I’m done … 

Ready to weep in my whiskey, but I’m done. 

So, let’s get this laughter going then, shall we?  Cause I think we need it.  Well, I do, anyway.  

A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.

Remember:  When you bury a body, cover it with endangered plants so it is illegal to dig it up. 

Follow me for more gardening tips.

I don’t understand why we spend so much on clothes to impress someone we want to be naked with. 

This is total nonsense.

I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffer’s Lasagna, I’m a family of 4.

“What do you mean, you’ve been trying to reach me about my car’s warranty?”

Way to go, Frank!

My boyfriend hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. 

Especially since his name is Steve.

Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging.  I finally yelled, “The guy last night made her scream louder.”  That shut them up.

If she admits she’s wrong, apologizes, and agrees to change her ways, dump her immediately.  Because that might be a man.  Women don’t do that.

Okay, what the hell is that keeping you from doing?  All I can think of is opening canned food.  Is Popeye the only one who has to worry?  And is it worth the $500 to stop Brutus and protect Olive Oyl?

“Why?  What did YOU dress up for Halloween as?”

 

When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy is the medication they must be on.

I really don’t mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

Getting older is just one body part after another saying, “Ha, ha!  You think that’s bad?  Watch this!”

That would actually be funny, if it weren’t so damn true.

You call it OCD. 

I call it put the shit back where you found it.

Grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change. 

The courage to change direction when I see them coming. 

And the wisdom to not try to smack some sense into them when I can’t avoid them. 

Amen!

You can’t get mad at people who suck the life out of you if you keep giving them the straw.

Person:  I like your name.  

Me:  Thanks, I got it for my birthday.

I’ve been sent an awful lot of these the last couple of days but I won’t put them all in here right now because that would just overwhelm you guys.  But it’s amazing how they accumulate.

I just found a document that says all of our restrictions have been lifted, and we are all free…it’s pretty old though…dated 1776…

Some of the biggest cases of mistaken identity are among politicians. 

They have a lot of trouble remembering that they are not God!

And I’m going to finish today off with some last minute Halloween images that were seen last night…

That sounds truly disgusting!

Thanks Aussie Pete and thanks to all of you who contributed to this episode of Dragon Laffs and who have sent in all the stuff you have sent to me.  May your coming days be filled with love and happiness and may you not eat too much candy.

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Dragon Laffs #1955 – Happy Halloween!

Good Morning Campers, 

You ever have a holiday just kind of sneak up on you?  I’ve been saving Halloween cartoons and stuff for weeks and weeks thinking that I’d spread them out over the couple of issues before the holiday and just realized as I sat down to start this issue that THIS was the Halloween episode. 

So, what the hell happened to the time? 

I guess it’s like anything else, if you don’t pay attention to it, it disappears faster than it should. 

Nah, that’s not it.  More likely I’ve been so damn busy there hasn’t been enough time to do the things I need to do, much less any extra. 

So, this is going to be the Halloween issue.  I’ve got enough material for a trick or treat bag FULL of Halloween issues, and there’s a bunch of other stuff I wanted to talk about and I’m playing a makeup darts match tonight and … you get the idea. 

So, let’s get this party started.

“Life is a Highway”

“I Obviously Took a Dirt Road”

My Mom was cleaning out their liquor cabinet and offered me a bottle of Vodka they’ve had for ages.  I had to say no because I know it’s 70% water from me stealing it when I was 16.

There!  Summer is over!  Hope you’re happy you pumpkin spice loving psychos.

You know you’re ugly when you go to a haunted house and come out with an application.

 

I want to move away from Halloween for just a second and share something with you that Mrs. Dragon shared with me last night.  It actually brought tears to my eyes.  

Absolutely amazing

Remember in the last issue where we talked about putting a message on your voicemail if you were lost or your battery was dying or you were in a place where you didn’t have service or … yeah, you remember that one.  Well, you ever feel really stupid about something when someone points out something REALLY obvious to you?  Well, I got this message from Pete … one of your more saner voices of reason around here and he said: Of course your voice mail still works for the caller. Tell me, if your battery is dead or too low to receive call or has no signal, how you are going to change the message on it? If you enter data into your phone and send it, but the signal can’t reach the cell site, how is the data going to get to the location of the voice mail center to change your recorded message?  Um… well yeah!  No kidding.  Thanks Pete for being the voice of reason.  I’m going to change my voicemail BEFORE I become lost and in an area with no coverage because I’m psychic and KNOW that’s going to happen, right?  Well, if I’m psychic and KNOW that’s going to happen, then JUST DON’T GO THERE IN THE FIRST FRIGGIN’ PLACE! 

Anyway … somebody has to pay attention around here.

How about a little before and after picture … do you remember this picture of the Willow Dragon?

Well, this is one from just now ..

As you can see, Her Willowness has gotten a bit … um … bigger.  Just as sweet and just as loving, but a whole lot bigger.  She squared up on a blowing leaf the other day and damn near tore my arm capturing said leaf.  She is learning to sit, stay, and wait to be fed.  Although eating is still an exercise in prison ethics.  Good fun.  I have stopped calling her Prison Bitch … well, I’ve dropped the Prison part, anyway.

I sat in my Haircutters chair and said “Make me look sexy.” 

She started drinking…

My sex life is like a Ferrari. 

I don’t have a Ferrari.

I went down to the paint store to get thinner. 

It didn’t work.

I love how in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” as if the killer is going to be like, “Yeah, I’m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?”

I never called you ugly.  All I said was, “I bet you could trick or treat over the telephone.”

I don’t hold grudges. 

I hold memories that keep me better prepared for our next encounter.

I learn from the mistakes of people who take my advice.

Dear Women, we don’t say this enough, but thank you. 

Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. 

Sincerely,

Men

Have you ever met someone so stupid you felt bad for their dog?

Okay, I’m changing his name to Friggin’ Pete.  So, we’ve got Aussie Pete and Friggin’ Pete.  Why Friggin’ Pete you ask?  Well, I’ll tell you…because he keeps sending us stuff that either makes me go hmm or brings a tear to my eye or … well, read this and you’ll see what I mean: 

This has been around for years but, as I reread it, it hits a little closer to home. I hope you take the time to read it.

Pete

The older I get, the more I enjoy Saturday mornings. Perhaps it’s the quiet solitude that comes with being the first to rise, or maybe it’s the unbounded joy of not having to be at work. Either way, the first few hours of a Saturday morning are most enjoyable.

A few weeks ago, I was shuffling toward the basement shack with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand and the morning paper in the other. What began as a typical Saturday morning, turned into one of those lessons that life seems to hand you from time to time. Let me tell you about it.

I turned the dial up into the phone portion of the band on my ham radio in order to listen to a Saturday morning conversation. Along the way, I came across an older sounding chap, with a tremendous signal and a golden voice. You know the kind, he sounded like he should be in the broadcasting business. He was telling whoever he was talking with something about “a thousand marbles.”

I was intrigued and stopped to listen to what he had to say. “Well, Tom, it sure sounds like you’re busy with your job. I’m sure they pay you well, but it’s a shame you have to be away from home and your family so much. Hard to believe a young fellow should have to work sixty or seventy hours a week to make ends meet. Too bad you missed your daughter’s dance recital.”

He continued, “Let me tell you something, Tom, something that has helped me keep a good perspective on my own priorities.” And that’s when he began to explain his theory of a “thousand marbles.”

“You see, I sat down one day and did a little arithmetic. The average person lives about seventy-five years. I know, some live more and some live less, but on average, folks live about seventy-five years.

“Now then, I multiplied 75 times 52 and I came up with 3900 which is the number of Saturdays that the average person has in their entire lifetime. Now stick with me Tom, I’m getting to the important part. It took me until I was fifty-five years old to think about all this in any detail”, he went on, “and by that time I had lived through over twenty-eight hundred Saturdays. I got to thinking that if I lived to be seventy-five, I only had about a thousand of them left to enjoy.

“So I went to a toy store and bought every single marble they had. I ended up having to visit three toy stores to round-up 1000 marbles. I took them home and put them inside of a large, clear plastic container right here in the shack next to my gear. Every Saturday since then, I have taken one marble out and thrown it away.

“I found that by watching the marbles diminish, I focused more on the really important things in life. There is nothing like watching your time here on this earth run out to help get your priorities straight.

“Now let me tell you one last thing before I sign-off with you and take my lovely wife out for breakfast. This morning, I took the very last marble out of the container. I figure if I make it until next Saturday then I have been given a little extra time. And the one thing we can all use is a little more time.”

“It was nice to meet you Tom, I hope you spend more time with your family, and I hope to meet you again here on the band.

73 Old Man, this is K9NZQ, clear and going QRT, good morning!”

You could have heard a pin drop on the band when this fellow signed off. I guess he gave us all a lot to think about. I had planned to work on the antenna that morning, and then I was going to meet up with a few hams to work on the next club newsletter. Instead, I went upstairs and woke my wife up with a kiss. “C’mon honey, I’m taking you and the kids to breakfast.”

“What brought this on?” she asked with a smile.

“Oh, nothing special, it’s just been a long time since we spent a Saturday together with the kids. Hey, can we stop at a toy store while we’re out? I need to buy some marbles.” 

With only 684 of my own marbles left, it really makes you think about what your priorities are and what they ought to be.  Thank you Pete, truly, for a really wonderful essay.  

“I’ll get gas in the morning” is one of the worst decisions you can make as an adult.

The most important thing I’ve learned in life,

and I can’t stress this enough:

you have to make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think.

My kids won’t stop bugging me for an in-ground swimming pool, so tonight we’re watching the movie Poltergeist.

And with that dear friends, I hoped you enjoyed this super-sized Halloween issue of Dragon Laffs.  I know it wasn’t much of a normal issue, but hey!  Sometimes it’s good to just laugh.  Until we meet again.  Cheers!  

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Dragon Laffs #1954

Good Morning Campers,

It’s truly wonderful to see everyone this fine Thursday morning.  And a fine Thursday morning it is, too.  At least I’m assuming it’s a fine Thursday morning, since I’m starting to write this on Tuesday evening.  Yes, it’s my own little version of time travel.  We actually have a frost warning in effect for tonight, the first one of the year.  I’m not sure I’m ready for a frost warning yet.  We have had nothing but rain for the last like month.  I got a chance to mow the lawn the other day, which I normally manage once a week or so, but with the weather I think had gone about ten days and I swear with all the rain and intermittent sun, I really thought I was going to need a farm tractor.

It had to be, no lie, 4 to 6 to about 8 inches tall in the sunny spots.  And lush and green!  Oh man!  No wonder the bunny rabbits like it so much!  Which of course drive my puppy dogs just crazy!  Defenders of the realm, they are!  Keep those evil bunny rabbits away!  

When we lived at the old house, it was the squirrels.  Here, it’s the bunny rabbits.  And the neighbor’s cat.  Now, that’s an evil feline.  It get’s running just in front of the dogs and is just powerful enough to leap to the top of the fence when they are running at top speed.  The cat leaps to the top of the fence, the dogs crash into the bottom of the fence, and get their ever-living bells rung.

And of course this dragon just laughs and laughs.  Because I see it unfolding every, single time.

The cat is evil and the dogs are stupid.  So, okay, maybe not stupid, but completely and utterly controlled by their basic instincts.  Something runs away from them and they have to chase it.  Whether it’s me throwing a ball away from them, a rabbit running across the backyard, a butterfly fluttering across the field, or an evil cat who is going to, yet again, crash them into the hard wooden fence.  They have no control over it.  It’s instinctual stupidity.

Kind of like American Politics.

(See what I did there?)  

Anyway, what do you say we get on with the laughter and put some other funny stuff into this ezine?  Yup, I think that’s a great idea, too.

You realize that …

right?

Okay, I’ve got to say, I don’t think I want to drink coffee made with beans that have been pooped out of a creature.  Seriously, I don’t see the attraction, don’t see the appeal, and in fact, I don’t give a damn HOW good it tastes, just the fact that it was crapped out would be enough for me to not drink it … ever.  Besides, if I remember correctly, it’s also like the world’s most expensive coffee.  And as far as I’m concerned, I don’t go to Starbucks because they charge too damn much for a simple cup of joe.

That is an awesome idea!  I would’ve never thought of that!  Thanks to Stephanie for passing on that bit of advice.

And the next skating competitive pair is …

WHEN I DIE

Will someone please go to my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper?  Don’t say anything, just stand there…

Whenever I’m having a bad day, I just stop and remind myself, at least I don’t have my Ex’s name tattooed on my body.

“Daddy, why do people hang horses?” asked my daughter.

“Nobody hangs horses, darling,” I consoled her on my lap.  “Who told you that people hang horses?”

“I just heard mummy on the phone saying that her new boss was hung like a horse.”

Yeah … I got nuttin’

The only way I’d stop supporting Trump is if I found out he slept with Pelosi.

Okay, that’s just wrong, in so many ways.

Raise your hand if you want to see Hunter Biden testify for 30 + hours before a Senate Intelligence Committee just like Donald Trump, Jr. had to do over the Russian Collusion hoax!

When your wife is mad, just tell her that she is overreacting.  She’ll realize you’re right and calm down instantly. 

Follow me for more marriage advice!

Today my son asked how I know that everyone driving is named Dick.

I got this next one from Pete and he labeled it “Impish”.  I must say, I’m honored.

This is what Paris looks like from the Eiffel Tower 

For those who don’t know me, I’m kind, calm, and sweet.  For those who know me, shut up, please.

Y’all be sure to leave those Biden signs in your yard…so people will know where to siphon gas when it’s $8.00 a gallon.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in your pan? 

You take away their little brooms.

From time to time my wife puts on her wedding dress.

Not because she’s sentimental. 

She really gets that far behind with the laundry.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be “saved” or you’ll “burn”. 

Stupid firemen.

And that my friends is it for today.  I hope you had as much fun as I did.  May the rest of your week be filled with as much fun and laughter as you can possibly handle and as much love as you could possibly desire.

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Dragon Laffs #1953

Good Morning Campers, 

Well, it seems as though the last issue published as it was supposed to, so I guess this platform works at least.  As much of a pain in the ass as it is.  Any port in the storm. 

Maybe it’s a government conspiracy to keep Impish Dragon’s voice off the internet.  You know it’s not like Faceblock where they can stop you anytime they want, I can say anything I want to here and the only ones I have to worry about here are the FBI, NSA, CIA … okay, so I guess I DO have stuff to worry about. 

So maybe in light of all of that, we ought to, oh I don’t know, laugh? 

I got my glasses fixed.

My girlfriend sat on them

It was my own fault though.

I should’ve taken them off.

Can I be the first one to say, “YUCK!”

This message needs to get out to pretty much everyone these days …

Just because you are offended – doesn’t mean you are right!

Every time a bird shits on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my porch to show them what I am capable of.

Woman:  Do you have any batteries?  

Clerk:  Sure come this way. (wiggles finger)  

Woman:  If I could come that way, I wouldn’t need batteries.

Izzy Dragon’s baby picture.

Oh, the good old days!

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. 

She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

The Manhattan Style makes me think that there might be OTHER styles.

 

Just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my car. 

While using my phone as a flashlight.

Even our plumbers are special.

Everyone needs that one friend who’ll get drunk with you, for no reason at all.

One minute your young and fun.  And the next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

An Obituary printed in the London Times…..Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!

 Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, “Common Sense”, who has been with us for many years.

 No one knows for sure how old he was, 

Common Sense has been lost in bureaucratic red tape

He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

– Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
– Why the early bird gets the worm;
– Life isn’t always fair;
– And maybe it was my fault.

 Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend
 more than you can earn) 

 

Common Sense began to deteriorate rapidly when overbearing regulations were set in place ! ! !

 

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;
and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
 

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a
burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
 

 Common Sense was preceded in death,
 -by his parents, Truth and Trust,
 -by his wife, Discretion,
 -by his daughter, Responsibility,
 -and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepchildren;
 – I Know My Rights
– I Want It Now
– Someone Else Is To Blame
 – I’m A Victim
– Pay me for Doing Nothing
 

Very few realize we have lost Common Sense 

Today I passed a drug test at work.  My dealer has some explaining to do.

Most people don’t act stupid.  It’s the real thing.

You just have to take life one “WTF” at a time…

I hate when people say, “Act Like An Adult.” 

Have you seen adults lately?  That’s horrible advice!

If you ever see me JOGGING, please kill whatever is chasing me.

Do you ever just listen to someone and think, Holy Shit, you’ve got the IQ of a crayon.  

Every damn day.

It’s time to do some of these.  Let’s see how much fun we can have.

If you’re 40+, it’s time to leave those young girls alone and get you a woman that understands the signs of a stroke.

I’m having people over to stare at their phones later if you want to come by…

Mother’s Day gift?

Finally figured out the reason why I look so bad in pictures.

It’s my face.

I don’t know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.

I just saw on the news that they’re suggesting that people check on the elderly. 

I’m usually up by 6 or 6:30. 

Bring donuts.

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you have a wonderful week full of love and happiness.  

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