Dragon Laffs #1563

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Goooooood Mooooorning Caaaaaampers!

So, did I sound like Robin Williams in Good Morning Vietnam?  No?  Not so much?  Sigh.  Okay, on to something else, then.

So honestly, I spent all my free time building this issue and now I’m out of free time and stuff to say, so whadda ya say we just……

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Amen to that!  There definitely needs to be a special place in Hell for people who won’t move the heck over to the right where they belong!

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A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box.

We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He says, “Yes!
Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”

“I did, they’re in your tackle box.”

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Famous Last Words. 

This is a really good article that I found on the TOR.COM website.  If you read books at all, then you should probably have this website on your favorites list.

5 Things That Obi-Wan Kenobi Should Have Told Luke Skywalker (Instead of LIES)


If you click on the title above, it should take you to the whole article.  Well worth reading, but here’s just a hint to get you started:

Calling yourself “Old Ben” is fine. Saying mean things about someone’s uncle is rude yet necessary. Pretending that you don’t remember your BBF’s old copilot droid is crappy, but saves time. Does that excuse all the outright lies that Obi-Wan Kenobi tells to Luke Skywalker? Maybe if those lies were truly essential to getting the kid to bring down the Empire. But they’re not, so most of those lies (and omissions) are pretty egregious.

Here are a few things that Obi-Wan could have said to avoid the most ridiculous ones. Because let’s face it, most of Ben’s lies are just kind of… ill-conceived.

1. Darth Vader and Your Dad Are the Same Guy, Sorry That Your Dad is Evil

So yeah, for the rest of it, go ahead and click on the link and enjoy.  You’re welcome.

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Yes Ma’am!  You most certainly are!

Dragon pic sign

2008 06 22 01

“Aha, I have you now, evil Dragon!”
”Oh no… Heavens, me …  Not that…wait, what’s that behind you?”
”Behind me?  What…where…”
Gulp! Swallow! “Stupid knights.”

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Girls like a man that takes charge.  So, take her to dinner; take her to the movies; take her hostage; take over the government; nuke her ex-boyfriend’s home-town; buy her a kitten.  There is a plethora of ways…

 

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They say milk gives you strength, so I drank 5 glasses and tried to move a wall.  It didn’t budge an inch.

I tried 5 shots of vodka and saw that wall move itself!

 

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LYING AROUND, PONDERING THE PROBLEMS OF THE WORLD, I REALIZED THAT AT MY AGE I DON’T REALLY GIVE A RAT’S ASS ANYMORE.

IF WALKING IS GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH, THE POSTMAN WOULD BE IMMORTAL.

A WHALE SWIMS ALL DAY, ONLY EATS FISH, AND DRINKS WATER, BUT IS STILL FAT.

A RABBIT RUNS AND HOPS AND ONLY LIVES 15 YEARS, WHILE A TORTOISE DOESN’T RUN AND DOES MOSTLY NOTHING, YET IT LIVES FOR 150 YEARS. AND THEY TELL US TO EXERCISE? ———- I DON’T THINK SO.

NOW THAT I’M OLDER, HERE’S WHAT I’VE DISCOVERED:

1. I STARTED OUT WITH NOTHING, AND I STILL HAVE MOST OF IT.

2. MY WILD OATS ARE MOSTLY ENJOYED WITH PRUNES AND ALL-BRAN.

3. FUNNY, I DON’T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

4. FUNNY, I DON’T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

5. IF ALL IS NOT LOST, THEN WHERE THE HELL IS IT?

6. IT WAS A WHOLE LOT EASIER TO GET OLDER THAN IT WAS TO GET WISER.

7. SOME DAYS, YOU’RE THE TOP DOG, SOME DAYS YOU’RE THE HYDRANT.

8. I WISH THE BUCK REALLY DID STOP HERE, I SURE COULD USE A FEW OF THEM.

9. KIDS IN THE BACKSEAT CAUSE ACCIDENTS. 

10. ACCIDENTS IN THE BACK SEAT CAUSE KIDS.

11. IT IS HARD TO MAKE A COMEBACK WHEN YOU HAVEN’T BEEN ANYWHERE.

12. THE WORLD ONLY BEATS A PATH TO YOUR DOOR WHEN YOU’RE IN THE BATHROOM.

13. IF GOD WANTED ME TO TOUCH MY TOES, HE’D HAVE PUT THEM ON MY KNEES.

14. WHEN I’M FINALLY HOLDING ALL THE CARDS, EVERYONE WANTS TO PLAY CHESS.

15. IT IS NOT HARD TO MEET EXPENSES…THEY’RE EVERYWHERE.

16. THE ONLY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RUT AND A GRAVE IS THE DEPTH.

17. THESE DAYS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME THINKING ABOUT THE HEREAFTER. . .

17A. I GO SOMEWHERE TO GET SOMETHING, AND THEN WONDER WHAT I’M “HERE AFTER”.

18. FUNNY, I DON’T REMEMBER BEING ABSENT-MINDED.

19. IT IS A LOT BETTER TO BE SEEN THAN VIEWED.

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Give it a second, you’ll figure it out.

Fantasy Pix sign

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A little gruesome, but I like this one.  It reminds me of my job.

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That’s my daily delivery truck.

The first testicular guard, the “cup” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Okay ladies…quit laughing.

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And that explains pretty much everything you need to know about marriage.

And here’s another really good article, this time from the dollar shave club website:

WHY YOU GET BETTER AT THINGS AFTER ONE OR TWO DRINKS

When it comes to playing darts, I’m no pro. But when it comes to playing darts after a couple drinks, I’m Bullseye: After I’ve had my second glass of whiskey, I become one with the dart, and together we cut through the air, unhibited, on our journey toward the center of the target. It’s feels magical, but it also doesn’t make much sense, because contrary to most things — like driving or operating heavy machinery — a light buzz is tantamount to my success as a dart enthusiast (or any bar game, for that matter). So what makes whiskey the Robin to my bar-gaming Batman? 

So, as many of you know, I also play darts in a weekly league every Tuesday night. And sometimes play in blind draws on Saturday night.  This past Tuesday was my first week back since my surgery, but I can tell you from fact and from direct experience that what the author of this article is saying is 100% fact!

We have one guy on our team who can’t hit the wall, much less the dart board before his second beer.  And there’s another guy in our league is in one of the best players who’s having the worst season of his life because he took a job working late nights and has to go right to work from our dart matches, so he can’t drink anymore while we’re playing.  His average has been shot to hell.

So, click the title to follow the link to finish reading this great article and tell me of your own similar experiences in the comments.

 

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This is an oldie, but goodie…

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey .
He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden,
but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
—————————— —————————— ———-

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like

I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year.
I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
I know if you were here my troubles would be over.
I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, likethe old days.
Love, Papa
—————————— —————————— ————
A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don’t dig up that garden.

That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
—————————— —————————— ————
At 4 a.m. the next morning,
FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies.
They apologized to the old man and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
—————————— —————————— ————

Dear Papa,

You can go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you…

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Wooden-Groan

broomTwo brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leanedbroom sweeping over and said to the groom-broom, “I think I  am going to have a little whisk broom!”

“IMPOSSIBLE !” said the groom broom.

“WE HAVEN’T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!”

Oh for goodness sake!  I tried to warn you, but you didn’t listen.  So laugh…or at leas groan humorously.  Personally, I think the bride has been sweeping around.

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Toys for big kids.

motivational wooden sign

nice try

Night light

Night Vision

Ninja Convention

Ninja Dogs

Ninja Kitten

What?  You thought Lethal was making them all up?

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I think it’s okay…but just to be sure, don’t feed it after dark.

JUST A FEW QUESTIONS:
1- Since only 8 million people have ObamaCare, how will 24 million people die if it is repealed? Will 16 million people be randomly shot?

2- If Donald Trump deleted all of his emails, wiped his server with Bleachbit and destroyed all of his phones with a hammer, would the Mainstream Media suddenly lose all interest in the story and declare him innocent?

3- If women do the same job for less money, why do companies hire men to do the same job for more money?

4- If you rob a bank in a Sanctuary City, is it illegal or is it just an Undocumented Withdraw?

5- Each ISIS attack now is a reaction to Trump policies, but all ISIS attacks during Obama’s term were due to Climate Change and a plea for jobs.

6- After the London ‘Lone Wolf’ terrorist attack government officials have arrested at least eight other ‘Lone Wolves’ who had conspired with the original ‘Lone Wolf’ in planning the ‘Lone Wolf’ attack. Even though all involved are Muslims, you can be assured, the ‘Lone Wolf; attack has nothing at all to do with Islam, just like the other 1000 plus ‘Lone Wolf’ attacks by Muslims, are completely unassociated with Islam.

7- We should stop calling them all ‘Entitlements’.
Welfare, Food Stamps, WIC, are not entitlements. They are taxpayer-funded handouts, and shouldn’t be called entitlements at all. Social Security and Veterans Benefits are Entitlements because the people receiving them are entitled to them. They were earned and paid for by the recipients.

8- If Muslims want to run away from a Muslim country, does that mean they’re Islamophobic?

9- If Liberals don’t believe in biological gender then why did they march for women’s rights?

10- How did the Russians get Debbie Wasserman Schultz and the DNC to steal the Primary from Bernie Sanders? How did Russia get Donna Brazile to leak debate questions to Hillary Clinton in advance of the debates?

 

11- Why is it that Democrats think Superdelegates are fine, but they have a problem with the Electoral College?

12- If you don’t want the FBI involved in elections, don’t nominate someone who’s being investigated by the FBI.

13- If Hillary’s speeches cost $250,000 an hour, how come no one shows up to her free ones?

14- The DNC is mad at Russia because they ‘think’ they are trying to manipulate our election by exposing that the DNC is manipulating our election?

15- Why is it that Liberals and the Media are upset about the words Trump used 11 years ago but they are alright with Adult men using the Ladies Room with your Wives and Daughters?

Those are some really good questions…so why don’t we have any really good answers?

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Amen

A marriage broker goes to see Mr. Cohen, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

“Mr Cohen, don’t let it get too late. I have exactly the woman you need. You only have to say the word and you’ll meet and be married in no time!” says the marriage broker.

“Don’t bother,” replies Mr. Cohen, “I’ve two sisters at home, who look after all my needs….I am happy with that arrangement.”

“That’s all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife.”

“I said ‘two sisters’…. I didn’t say they were mine!”

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And that’s it for today folks. 

Don’t forget, we’re still taking donations to help defray the cost of keeping this great ezine up and running.  Just go to the top of the page to the right and click the word donation and pass us a couple of bucks.  Every little bit helps.

Thanks.

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1562

Good Morning Campers,

To make up for our missing Leprechaun, how about we do a quick round of:

funnies only

I know, it’s like being given an aspirin when you’re addicted to crack cocaine, but like the doctor said, “it’s better than nuthin’”

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Damn!  That sounds an awful lot like modern day politics to me!

And that’s it folks, I hope I managed to bring a smile, quick grin, or outright chuckle to your day.

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!cid_9C9A0F3A696D49389189668ADE667166@LaptopJeff

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Leprechaun Laffs Sabbatical 

My dear and special friends,

It seems as though our own Lethal Leprechaun, who is, as you probably already know, the Lord High Mayor of Leprechaunia, has been called back home to handle some very important Middle Kingdom issues.  There is no real danger involved, or so we’ve been told, but piles and piles of diplomatic work.

Frankly and honestly, it’s mostly my fault.  He’s been doing such an awesome job of taking care of me and my problems these last several months leading up to my surgery, that he has neglected his duties in Leprechaunia. I’m not 100% sure exactly what the problems are, but I do know that he has activated the Royal Leprechaunian Marines, the Royal Leprechaunian Navy (to haul the Royal Leprechaunian Marines around), the Royal Leprechaunian Woman’s Auxiliary (to take care of the physical and logistical needs of the Royal Leprechaunian Marines), and the Ninja Kitty Home Offensive & Spy Service (NK HOSS).  

He also packed his collection of dancing shellieleaghs, his entire legal staff, all the “Day Girls”, and most of his good recipe books. So what that means exactly is anybody’s guess.  He could be gone for several weeks or several years, if it ends up being a prolonged battle – be that in the courtroom or the actual field of war.

Thankfully for us, our two mythologies run on different time streams and what might be a year in Leprechaunia is only a few weeks here in our realm.  That’s really not as odd as it sounds.  It happens all the time, which is one of the reasons most of us mythological creatures live such a long time; it enables us to deal a bit more effectively with erratic time behavior.  It also has its drawbacks if you do it wrong.  Like the time I hopscotched a couple of realms to grab a couple of my favorite cigars.  I told my girl friend I’d be right back and when I got home I found her married to one of my buddies with several kids.  Seems that after 8 years or so she had me declared legally dead and a couple of years after that had moved on with her life.  Boy, was my face red!  Yup, I realm walked in the wrong order, just cause I wasn’t paying enough attention.    

Anyway, long story short, There will be no Leprechaun Laffs this week and possibly for the foreseeable future.  I will do my best to keep you all informed without breaking OPSEC and COMSEC and to keep you entertained on my own until Lethal’s return.  Communication is somewhat difficult with a lot of my messages going unanswered so don’t be surprised if you try and don’t get a rapid answer.

So, until next we speak…

Cheers,

Impish Dragon 🐉 

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Dragon Laffs #1561

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Good Morning Campers

Well, my first week back to work has been a tough one.  The first day was okay and then it’s been downhill from there.  The pain hasn’t been real bad, just overwhelming exhaustion.  And while you’re reading this, I’m at work on a Saturday working a long exercise.

But, financially, I had to get back.  Why don’t bill collector’s understand that you are recovering from hip replacement surgery, the medical bill they are bitching about will just have to wait?  They ought to understand that.

They don’t.

Anyway, let’s get to the laughing because I really, really need it!

Let’s Laugh

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We all know that person, right?

A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office, ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you women are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the woman. The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.”

“OH MY GOD!” screamed the woman. “Where’s my tennis bracelet?”

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“Mr. Smith, of all the excuses I’ve heard in my life, that’s got to be a first.  You expect me to believe that a giant minion blocked the highway and THAT’S why you’re late to work?  I think you need to go down to HR and pee in a little cup.”

AS ONE OLD DEPLORABLE TO ANOTHER…

I used to think I was just a regular guy, but . . .

I was born white, which now, whether I like it or not, makes me a racist;

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist;

I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me homophobic;

I am non-union, which makes me a traitor to the working class and an ally of big business;

I am a Christian, which now labels me as an infidel;

I believe in the 2nd Amendment, which now makes me a member of the vast gun lobby;

I am older than 70, which makes me a useless old man;

I think and I reason, therefore I doubt much that the main stream media tells me, which must make me a reactionary;

I am proud of my heritage and our  inclusive American culture, which makes me a xenophobe;

I value my safety and that of my family and I appreciate the police and the legal system, which makes me a right-wing extremist;

I believe in hard work, fair play, & fair compensation according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist;

I believe in the defense and protection of the homeland for and by all citizens, which now makes me a militant.

Recently, a woman called me and my friends a “basket of deplorables.”

Please help me come to terms with the new me…because I’m just not sure who I am anymore!

I would like to thank all my friends for sticking with me through these abrupt, new found changes in my life and my thinking.  I just can’t imagine or understand what’s happened to me so quickly.  Funny…it’s all just taken place over the last 7 or 8 years.

As if all this crap wasn’t enough to deal with, I’m now afraid to go into either restroom!

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As many of you probably know, there is a huge controversy this NFL season over the whole kneeling during the National Anthem.  It’s friggin’ crazy!  I may give you my opinion on the whole thing later, but for right now, here’s a short article that Papa Dragon Sent me:

I would guess most of these people graduated from college too.  Says a lot about our education system doesn’t it.  This is depressing!!

NEW YORK (World News Bureau) – In a recent polling of 585 NFL players, nearly all of them were unsure of exactly what they are protesting.

Here’s a sampling of responses to the question “What are you protesting by kneeling during the National Anthem?”

“Pretty sure it’s against Nazis – especially the white ones.”

“We’re protesting America becoming capitalistic instead of equal.”

“I’m protesting against Trump saying black lives don’t matter.”

“We’re against global warming and the police.”

“We’re showing the world that we care about, ahh, things such as… such as…ahhhhh, freedom from suppression?”

“Me and my fellow players are protesting the Constitution of Independence because of what it does to people of color.”

“We are displaying our right to stand up by kneeling for our beliefs.”

“We are protesting Trump, because he, you know, keeping the black man down and sh*t.”

“Myself is kneeling to show that just because I’m American don’t mean I got to act like one.”

That’s really pretty damn sad.

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Sounds like a good plan to me.

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If Judge Judy was a Dragon…

“Your Honor, this man stole my torch!”
”It’s not your torch!  It’s my torch!”
”I’m just going to eat you both.”

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And this is why we do NOT let Izzy anywhere near the firearms in our house!

I hug people that I hate so that I know how big to dig the hole in my backyard.

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O   x   y   m   o   r   o   n  s~
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?
7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?
8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?
10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
12. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?
14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?
15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway

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fantasy

Yup, it’s just a cool picture, that’s why.

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A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”
He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”

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motivate

Never judge a book

Never Mind Why20 (2)

Newest Virus

News Readers

Nice Rack

I hate to end this here, but I have no choice.  As I said at the beginning, being my first week back to work, it’s been a really long one.

Thank you for your donations, I hope to have a more special update in next weeks issue about all of you who, at the last minute, decided to help us out and throw us a couple of bucks.  All you have to do is click on the donate button at the top of the page in the right hand column or write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I’ll send you my address if you don’t like to use PayPal. 

Until next week.

Cheers,

Impish

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Leprechaun Laughs # 415 For Wednesday Oct 11th 2017

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Let’s just roll that beautiful blog footage shall we?

Varrom

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The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate, ‘ not ‘fascinating.'”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

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One day Paddy goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.

He pours some liquid onto the teaspoon and offers it to the chemist, and says “Could you taste this for me, please?”

The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it.

“Does that taste sweet to you?” says Paddy.

“No, not at all,” says the chemist.

“Oh that’s a relief,” says Paddy. “The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.”

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* I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning.

* The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She’s 21, and her name’s Kathy.

* Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting “pedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

* My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

* The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries.

* A man calls 911 and says “I think my wife is dead”. The operator says, “How do you know?” The man says “The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!”

* I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t been listening.”

* My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

 

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Lethal went into the confessional and said to his priest, ‘I almost had an affair with another woman.’

The priest said, ‘What do you mean, almost?’

Lethal said, ‘Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.

The priest said, ‘Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.’

Lethal left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ‘I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’

Lethal replied, ‘Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!’

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Sumo dance

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn’t want to have any more kids.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive.

‘A less costly alternative, ‘ said the doctor, ‘is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10.

‘The Alabamian said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to ear is going to help me.

”Trust me, ‘ said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

“1”

“2”

“3”

“4”

“5”

(you’ll love this.)

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana, Arkansas,

Mississippi, Parts of Georgia, Missouri, West Virginia, Western Maryland and All of Washington DC…

Most of the Maritimes. parts of Quebec, Ontario and Manitoba.

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A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa Claus’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

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Life like penis

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