Dragon Laffs #1592

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Good Morning Campers,

Still plenty of work keeping me busy, so what do you say we get right to the laughs?

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‘SELL BY’ DATES ARE (MOSTLY) A BUNCH OF BS

All they do is make you throw away perfectly good food.

Americans waste a ton of food: Roughly 50 percent of all produce in the U.S. is thrown away. That’s about 60 million tons (or $160 billion worth) of produce annually, according to a report published in The Guardian. Even more shocking, that amount constitutes roughly “one-third of all foodstuffs” in America. This problem expands beyond America, too: Approximately one-third of food produced for human consumption in the world is also lost or wasted.

So why are we throwing away so much food? One reason is that the majority of Americans have absolutely no clue what “sell by” labels are trying to tell them, which often encourages overcautious consumers to throw away perfectly good food.

To clear up any confusion, Dana Hunnes, senior dietitian at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, helped us figure out the real meaning of “sell by” dates. “The ‘sell by’ date is aimed at retailers, and it informs them of the date the product should be sold or removed from the shelf,” Hunnes explains. “The sell-by date does not mean the product is unsafe to consume after that date.” In other words, the “sell by” date isn’t aimed at consumers at all — we simply pay attention to them, because manufacturers haven’t done a good job of clearly labeling our food.

The only reason manufacturers stick these labels on their food is actually to protect the reputation of their products — they want consumers to see and consume their food right as it reaches peak freshness and taste. According to the Institute of Food Technologists, in fact, one-third of a product’s shelf-life remains after the “sell by” date.

This, naturally, leaves us with the same basic question: How long is food safe to eat after passing its “sell by” date?

Dana Gunders, food scientist at the National Resource Defense Council and author of the Waste-Free Kitchen Handbook, previously recommended using your senses as a guide: “If it looks bad, tastes bad and smells bad, don’t eat it,” she explained. “However, if it looks fine, tastes fine and smells fine, you’re probably okay.”

Hunnes provides some more precise suggestions, but adds that hard-and-fast rules are tough to pinpoint when it comes to the freshness of food:

  • Meat: One to three days beyond the “sell by” date
  • Dairy: One week beyond the “sell by” date
  • Eggs: One month beyond the “sell by” date
  • Bread: One week (or two to three weeks in the fridge) beyond the “sell by” date

Canned foods and frozen foods last even longer, according to nutritionist David Friedman, author of Food Sanity: How to Eat in a World of Fads and Fiction: “Items from the freezer section of the supermarket are safe to eat indefinitely, although you may want to discard them if you see freezer burns,” he explains. “High-acid canned foods, like tomatoes and citrus fruits, will keep for up to two years past the ‘sell by’ date, and low-acid canned goods — vegetables, meat and fish — will last up to six years past the ‘sell by’ date.”

This handy website also has a massive database of food products and their shelf life.

At the end of the day, the only foods you should absolutely avoid eating past their “sell by” dates are deli meats, unpasteurized dairy products, ready-to-eat refrigerated foods and hot dogs and sausages that aren’t fully cooked. That’s because these foods may harbor listeria, which can grow under refrigeration (unlike most bacteria).

Otherwise, you’re better off paying more attention to your nose than any “sell by” date. “There’s no better judge as to whether food is rotten than the olfactory test,” Friedman emphasizes. “It should smell fresh without an unusual or unpleasant odor of any kind.” If it does, dig in while flipping off the “sell by” date for nearly deceiving you out of a perfectly good meal.

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Yeah, that would bother me, too.  What about the damn leopards?

 

50 Shades of Grey for Seniors
 
Back and forth. . . in and out. . . in and out . . . a little to the right. . a little to the left . . . she could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . between her breasts. . and, trickling down the small of her back. . . she was getting near to the end. 
He was in ecstasy. . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved. . . forwards then backwards. . forward then backward. again. . . and again. . . her heart was pounding now. . . her face was flushed . . . she moaned softly at first, then began to groan louder . . finally . . . totally exhausted . she let out a piercing scream . . . . “OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can’t parallel park.  You do it!”

 

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My housekeeping style is best described as “There appears to have been a struggle.”

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The older I get, the meaner I get.  I’m pretty sure it won’t be long before I start biting people.

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This is CRAZY!!!!  Just because it happened in England makes no difference.  I know plenty of places in the US that have the same feelings.  But, to go this far is…unbelievable.
Paramedics appalled by angry note left by resident
UK news
Members of the West Midlands Ambulance Service in the UK were left upset and angered after finding a note on their vehicle while responding to an emergency medical run.

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From what some of the articles said, the Paramedics suffered a ton of verbal abuse as well.  Yeah, the Golden Rule is definitely in affect here.

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I seriously doubt it.  Truly.

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I just LOVE the memes with little kids.

A frog goes to a fortune teller to find out if he will ever be lucky in love.

The fortune teller reads his palm and tells the frog, “I have good news and I have bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

The frog asks for the good news first.

The fortune teller says, “You are going to meet the most beautiful girl, who is going to be very interested in you and will want to know all about you. She will want you to open up for her and you will give her your heart.”

“That’s great!” says the frog. “But what’s the bad news?”

“Well, you’re going to meet her in Biology class.”

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The Next Couple of Jokes are from K2 to my Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior…

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Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins, on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.

If you find you do not mind playing Golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here’s a valuable tip …….. your life is in trouble.

Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.

A ‘gimme can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers … neither of whom can putt very well.

An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.

If your best shots are the practice swing and the ‘gimme putt’, you might wish to reconsider this game.

Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you.

Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won’t work, and both are expensive.

The best wood in most amateurs’ bags is the pencil.

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David Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex…

#10… A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09… You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08… It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07.. Foursomes are encouraged.
#06… You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05… Three times a day is possible.
#04… Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03…. If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02… You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex…..

#01… When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

Thanks Karl!

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Four men were discussing coincidences at a bar. The first man said: “My wife was reading a Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins.”

“That’s funny”, the second man remarked. “My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets”

“My goodness,” the third man chimed in. “The same happened to me. My wife had quintuplets after reading The Five People You Meet in Heaven.”

The fourth man shouted, now looking quite ill, “Good God, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed,

“When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!”

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cheers3

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Dragon Laffs #1591

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Good Morning Campers,

It’s been a sad week.  The horrible tragedy in Florida has me quite upset.  All the information that’s coming out about it and the interviews with the survivors, my heart aches.

Which doesn’t make it easy to put out a humor ezine.  I’ve tried all week to get this started and now it’s late on Friday, only a couple of hours until this issue is supposed to be out and I still can’t see me putting something together.

I’m not sure why it’s affecting me so hard.  It’s not like this is the first time this has happened, but this time it just seems to be…worse.

Anyway, I’ll put some cartoons in here and hope that the laughter helps with the tears.  Until next time then my friends.

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Opinions

Opportunity

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Optical Illusion

Optimism

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Happy Birthday Diaman!

Today is a special day here at DL&LL Enterprises. It’s the birthday of one of our special ladies. I had a post set up to go out and noticed while I was at work, that it didn’t post, so I am posting something from my tablet, instead. And although this post doesn’t have all the pictures and graphics that the other one had, it DOES have just as much love and well wishes as the first one. Won’t you all join me in wishing Diaman a truly wonderful day filled with all the love and blessings she truly deserves.

I love you mom!

Your Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1590

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campers

Today is Sunday.  A full 6 days before my next issue is due out.  Now, I’ll try to throw some cartoons at you on Wednesday, but I guess time will tell.  I wanted to start this issue as soon as I could and possibly give you a better issue than you’ve gotten in the past.

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My favorite part of cooking dinner is when the delivery guy shows up.

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There’s nothing scarier than the split second where you lose your balance in the shower and think, “Oh God! They’re going to find me naked!”

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I sent that “Ancestry” site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

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Now that is one faithful hound!

And speaking of faithful hounds…
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You gotta love it when the democratic party works together.

Well, today is Friday, and I got a chance to put out a Wednesday issue and worked a little on this issue, not as much as I would’ve liked, but you understand.

More importantly, several of the special envoys that I sent out looking for Lethal Leprechaun or an update on how his secret mission is going have reported back.  Now, I haven’t met with him personally, but I have it from a very reliable source that he had some trouble on his mission.  I gather that he had to question an overgrown bugbear (for those of you who don’t know, or who think that bugbears are mythical creatures used to scare children into being good, like the boogeyman, a bugbear is actually a massive humanoid distantly related to goblins and hobgoblins, but much larger and meaner.)  22Anyway, Lethal had to question this overly large bugbear named Benny, who had some sort of knowledge that Lethal needed, and one thing led to another, Benny panicked and tried to solve his problem the way he solves most problems, by eating it.

That’s right, Benny tried, and mostly succeeded in eating Lethal.  As a size comparison, the picture to the left was taken by one of my envoys before the meeting.  Lethal doesn’t look that good right now.

Lethal is currently in the hospital recovering.  He will probably be out of contact for another month or so and sadly, he has no computer or way of contacting anyone, but he is very thankful for all the many kind words and well wishes of everyone who has commented or sent me or him an email.  He has had a really rough couple of months, but is doing better and will hopefully be back with us soon.

So, that’s the update that all of you have been asking about.  As I learn more, I’ll pass it on.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.  She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea…

As he sat facing her old  Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.  The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this? Pointing to the bowl.

‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful?  I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.  The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.  Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.

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President Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
 
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
 
This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
 
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
 
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous.   I meant to shout Donald … duck!”

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Growing old is hard work…The mind says “yes” but, the body says, “What the hell are you thinking?”

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Both!!!!!!!

Omen

OMFG

omg

On the right track

One mistake

One more theory

One of those days

One Wish

Onion Booty

Oops

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That’s it.  Cheers My Friends.

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1589

Wednesday

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Wednesday 2

and you know what that means?

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I know what you’re saying!  outstanding

I know, right?  So, let’s get this started!

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Office Politics

Oh Look

Oh my God

oh no

Oh Sweet

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Oil Change

Ok, who the

Oktoberfest

Old or New

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And that’s it for today!

awwww

Yeah, I know.  Sorry.

cheers

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