Dragon Laffs #1636–Merry Christmas!

DragonLaffs

Merry Christmas1

1291103821t39xDHNow you know Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen.

But what do you recall
Of the most famous Dragon of all?

Impish the big nosed dragon,
Had a very impressive snout,
And if you ever saw it,
You would even give a shout!dragonsleigh

All of the other dragons,
Used to laugh and call him names,
They never let poor Impish,
Play in any dragon games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Santa came to say,
36_15_61”Impish, what in the hell are you doing hanging around in the kitchen!?
Don’t you know there’s a shit load of work to be done before we can leave tonight?
You gonna leave it all for me and the annoying little elves to take care of?
I can’t even count on Mrs. Claus since she ran away with that damn leprechaun friend of yours.  Now, stop hanging around here trying to eat one of my cooks and get your ass upstairs and get ready to drag that sled all over creation and drop off presents to all the brats out there!”

Then all the dragons laughed at him,
As they watched the dragon work,
Impish the big nosed dragon,
You’re such a fucking dork.

That whole bullshit story about some red glowing nosed reindeer named Rudolph was made up by Rankin and Bass to sell electric razors!  Dragons have been helping Santa deliver presents since there was a Santa.  But little kids tend to be afraid of big ole mean dragons so kind and gentle deer seemed a better way to go.

Bastards.  Giving us dragons a bad name.

So, let’s get this Christmas Issue started!

7e

See!  Always getting the blame for stuff.

You only live once.  But, if you do it right, once is enough. ~ Mae West

7f

When people text shit to me in CAPS, I be like u better lower yo mutha fuckin letters bitch.

7g

I’m so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt.
When people say, “Oh you smell good, what is that?”
I say, “Page 14.”

7h

Studies have shown the reason you may be awake right now is because you not asleep.

7i

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you!  You got so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

7j

Being an adult is like folding a fitted sheet.

7k

Not only did I fall off the diet wagon, I dragged it into the woods, set it on fire, and used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.

7l

If you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin…
…and muffins are healthy.

7m

Do you ever go into a room and forget what you went in there for?
Well, that’s how I lost my job as a fireman…

7n

I’m on a wine diet.

So far I’ve lost three days.

7o

If you can’t be the sharpest tool in the shed, you can always be the hoe.

7p

Dear Santa…

Before I explain, how much do you know already?

7q

You’ll laugh if you get it.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, “Toys not included.” ~ Bernard M7r

facepalm-emoticon

 

I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas…he washed my mouth out with soap.

7s

Our family is just one tent away from a full-blown circus.

7t

Dear Santa,

I’ve been good for the past week or so.  Let’s just focus on that!

7u

Today’s Advice:

Sing Christmas songs at work until they send you home.

7v

Here is one of the theories that I live by:

BE DECISIVE!
Right or wrong, get off the dime, and make a decision!
The road of life is paved with FLAT SQUIRRELS who couldn’t decide.

7w

A man has been drinking all day at a bar. Late at night, he suddenly checks his clock.
“1:30 am, darn. I need to go home now or the wife’s going to kill me,” he says to the bartender.
But as he’s trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor. “I’m just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up.”

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again he falls to the floor, this time even harder. At this point, he realizes this won’t work, but he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house. After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his(blissfully sleeping) wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up, not kindly.
“So… how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?”

The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home, so he tries to play it cool: “Not really, just hanging with some coworkers… we didn’t drink much… just a couple of beers.”
His wife starts nodding understandably: “Ah ha, makes sense.”

She starts to turn and then stops and turns back to him:
“Oh, by the way, the bar owner called this morning, you left your wheelchair there, idiot.

6

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, “I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.”

The woman returns the next day for the wake.

To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, “Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?”

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. “There’s no charge,” he says.

“No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!” she say

“Honestly, ma’am,” the mortician says, “it cost nothing.

“You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

“I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.

“Then it was just a matter of switching the heads.”

6a

A man visits the local council for a job interview. During his interview, the interviewer asks him “Are you allergic to anything?” to which the man replies “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, have you ever been in the military service before?”
“Yes,” he says. “I was in Iraq for one tour.”
The interviewer replies “That will give you 5 extra points towards employment.”

After this, he asks “Are you disabled in any way?”
The applicant says “Yes, a bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.”
Upon hearing this, the interviewer grimaces and says “Sorry to hear that… Okay then. You have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10 am, and plan on starting at 10 am every day.”
The man says: “If the work hours are from 8 am to 4 pm, I’ll come at a normal hour, I want to do my part.”

“You misunderstand.” Says the interviewer. “This is a government job, For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.

You may think that was a funny joke, but in reality it’s very true.  All we do for the first two hours every day is drink coffee and scratch our balls.

6b

I’ll tell you why I can’t lose weight…I’ve got metal fillings in my teeth and my refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.

6c

6d

6e

6f

6g

6h

Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other little love notes like, “I considered smothering you with a pillow last night, but didn’t.”

6i

6j

6k

6l

6m

6n

6o

6p

They say, “do what you love and money will follow.”

So I ate cheesecake and drank wine…

Now I wait!

6q

6r

6s

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6u

6v

6w

6x

I FINALLY DID IT!
Bought a brand new pair of shoes with memory foam insoles.  No more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

6y

Okay, that’s just too creepy.

6z

You’re welcome!

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7a

7b

We gotta have some Christmas Motivationals!!!!!!!!!!

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!cid_X_MA1_1450037242@aol4209723855_63038eecbd

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Christmas-gift-its-better-to-receive2

christmas-poster-klingon

christmas-poster-letter-to-santa

christmas-poster-torg

christmas-tree

Dear Santa

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funny_pictures_cat_is_a_christmas_ninja-s450x553-116305-1020

funny-pictures-cat-spends-holidays-with-relatives

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To all of you, my dear and loyal friends, fellow travelers on the road to laughing the world’s Bull Shit away, I hope you enjoyed this SUPER large and SUPER special Christmas issue.  I’m not sure how next week will work out, but I will try my very best to have a huge New Year’s issue next Saturday.

I do have plans with my family over the next week, as should each of you!  I hope that each of you have time to do the same.

I do have one request for each of you.  Some time between now and Christmas, please take a minute to think about our troops who cannot be home for the Christmas and New Year’s holidays.  For me, personally, almost my whole office

waiting_for_santa_by_cosmosue

and a HUGE contingent of the guys from my base are deployed overseas right now.  Everyone of them voluntarily raised their right hand and swore to give up everything, up to and including their very lives, to protect their friends, family, and loved ones.  But, you know what else?  They are also there to protect YOUR friends, YOUR family, and YOUR loved ones.  And you didn’t have to even ask.  Most of you don’t even know anyone in the military, yet they are there, doing their job, for you.

Please take a moment and ask God to keep them all safe from harm, keep their families back here happy and safe, and to bring them home again.

May the Blessings of the Season be upon you and yours, may you have a wonderful, happy, and loving Christmas, and may God keep you all safe, happy, and healthy until we meet again.

 

Cheers,

Impish and Mrs. Dragon

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this [shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1635

Christmas2

Good Morning Campers,

It’s been one of those weeks.  Really, really busy.  I haven’t opened my laptop since last week.  I’m afraid to look at this point.

1100+ emails!

Okay, so some of them are left overs….

I’ll never get caught up!

We need to laugh.

And laugh, and laugh and laugh!

Let’s do this!

 

4963

I see they use the same radiologist that my doctor uses.

We’re going to continue with lots of seasonal comics.

6i

Men look at a woman’s behind and think, “Wow!  What an ass!”
Women look at a man’s face and think the same thing.

4964

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop.

The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.

When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery.

After a while, he stands on his back paws to push the “stop” bell, then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step.

He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door.

He does this again and again. No answer.

So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door.

A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: “What the hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius, absolutely incredible!”

“Genius, my ass – It’s the second time this week he’s forgotten his keys!”

6j

Only those who truly care about you can hear you when you’re quiet.

4965

What is celibacy?  Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a marriage weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands an d wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.  “Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal – All Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

6k

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.  She told me, “Nothing would make me happier than some expensive jewelry.”

So, I bought her nothing.

4966

I’m dreaming of a White Christmas…but if the white runs out, I’ll drink the red.

6l

Your crazy is showing.  You might want to tuck that back in.

4967

I wish I could still put videos in Dragon Laffs, but you’ll have to click on the link to see this special gift from Ginny and Paul

A special Christmas gift to you.

Click here

6m

I gotta tell you, my brother, the Owl has a great work place.  He sent me this picture from work:
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Ain’t that the coolest thing?

Fruitcake Recipe

1 cup water

1 cup sugar

4 large eggs

2 cups dried fruit

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

1 cup brown sugar

lemon juice

nuts

1 gallon whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for quality.

Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.

Pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer;

beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl

Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whiskey is still OK. Cry another tup.

Turn off mixer.

Break 2 legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?

Check the whiskey.

Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts

Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.

Whatever you can find.

Grease the oven.

Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.

Don’t forget to beat off the turner

Throw the bowl out of the window

Check the whiskey again.

Go to bed

Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

4968

The Lysol commercial told me to disinfect the things I touch the most.

I have a feeling this is going to burn.

6n

6b

6o

I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the LSD wears off and I realize I’m just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Wendy’s parking lot.

6p

Another school shooting in Indiana.  What a horrible, horrible thing to have happen.  This time though, it was only the kid with the guns who got shot and killed, but there are so many unanswered questions.

This pisses me off on so many levels, but thankfully, law enforcement and school officials all did exactly the correct things.

All we know is that the school got a call from someone who saw something and said something.  Someone called the school and told them that someone was planning a violent act.  The officials locked down the school and called the police.  The police showed up just as an armed 14 year-old showed up at the school.  There was a confrontation at one of the doors, the kid shot the glass out of the door and gained entry to the school, but since all the rooms were locked down, he couldn’t get to anyone.

The cops followed him in the school, gun fire was exchanged.  But no one was hurt.  The 14 year-old then shot himself and died.

What sense does any of this make?

I really don’t know what else to say.

6q

Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to stop me from beating one of my coworkers to death with a keyboard.

4969

Caution: When someone says, “get a grip” apparently around their neck is NOT what they meant…who knew?

6r

Thank goodness I don’t have to hunt for my own food.

I don’t even know where tacos live.

4970

The girl called a sex therapist and said, “Remember when you told me the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach? Well, last night I found a new route… Now I need some birth control pills.”
The doc asked, “What’s his occupation?”
The girl said, “Army.”
“Active or retired?”
“If he wasn’t active, I wouldn’t need these damn pills, would I?!”

6s

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!

6t

Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human-interest story. He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer’s house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, “Yep, one time a neighbour’s sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home.”
“I can’t print that!” the young reporter exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”
“Yep, one time a neighbour’s daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”
“Hell, I can’t print that either!” cried the frustrated reporter. “Has anything ever happened that made you sad?”
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, “Yep, I got lost once.”

6u

6v

6w

6x

6y

6z

7

7a

7b

7c

7d

We can’t end this issue without some motivationals…

Protect

Protective Custody

Proximity

Prudence

Psychics

Pubic Hare

Pulling Out

Pulling Out2

Pulse

Pure Fantasy

Pure Kentucky Whiskey

And that’s it for today my friends.  May your weekend be Merry and Bright and may all your Christmas shopping be done.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1634

Christmas

GREAT NEWS!  Mrs. Dragon came back negative on all the bad stuff and positive on all the good stuff!  Thank you all for all your prayers and well wishes!  It meant a lot!  Been a long hard week.  But the weekend is here!  So, let’s laugh!!!!!!!!!

4h

8

4953

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time. “Like sitting around the pool, drinking wine isn’t a good thing. (Talking about my “doing-something-useful” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.)

She is “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested, I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellas.

So, I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied, “Are you nuts? You’re 86-years-old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”

I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”

“Oh man, am I in trouble,” I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!”

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen isn’t getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

4i

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

4954

So, after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on the T.V…apparently, it’s unacceptable in bowling.

6

Police have reported a man going into local craft stores and dipping his testicles in glitter… it’s pretty nuts.

4955

Satisfying a woman, Rule #9:

For those of you who know nothing of how to satisfy a woman: The G Spot is located at the end of the word “shopping.”

6a

I’ve decided I’ll never get down to my original weight, and I’m okay with that.

After all, 6 lbs, 3 oz. is a just not realistic.

4956

I always mean what I say…  I don’t always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.

6b

Research about Sex

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: ! Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “screw you”.

The 5th kind of sex is called: Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

The 6th kind is called Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

OOPS. Don’t forget the 7th kid of sex: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month. But not enough to live on!

4957

My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.

6c

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

4958

Girls who say, “A lot of guys are after me,” should keep in mind that low prices always attract many customers.

6d

Dear Santa,

I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Oh, never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.

4959

Three Wise Women would have…
…asked directions
…arrived on time
…helped deliver the baby
…brought practical gifts
…cleaned the stables
…made a casserole
and there would be peace on earth.

6e

When you stop believing in Santa … you get underwear.

4960

Wow!  Apparently it’s “rude” to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue.

6f

If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.

4961

My Four Moods

1.  I’m too old for this shit.
2.  I’m too tired for this shit.
3.  I’m too sober for this shit.
4.  I don’t have time for this shit.

6g

Procrastination

procrastination2

Procrastination3

Profession

Professor Badass

progress

Progressives

Promotion

Proof

Proportionality

Prostitutes

4962

6h

I’m sorry folks.  Had a rough day, so that’s it for this week.

Love you all.

Cheers!

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1633

funnies only

Good Morning Campers,

Not much to report this week.

Mrs. Dragon had her surgery on Tuesday.  She came out of it very well, but we won’t really know the final answer until we do the follow-up with the doctor next week.

Been a busy week after getting back from Alpena and doing the whole Thanksgiving thing.  The Whelpling, and Mrs. Whelpling were over, along with the grand-dragonettes, so that was fun, and it’s been work, work, work since then. 

As a matter of fact, while most of you are reading this, I’m at work teaching G.I.s how to stay alive in crappy environments.  No, I’m not talking about environments full of liberal democrats…although that might be a more toxic environment than these guys are facing, I’m talking about CBRN.  And for those of you who don’t know what the acronym stands for it’s….well …. Nasty!

Boy, it’s a good thing I LIKE stuff nasty!!!

LOL!

And with THAT thought in your head, let’s go ahead and find some funny stuff to LAFF at!

4928

I’m not saying your perfume is too strong, I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

4929

Tips for losing weight: Slowly turn your head to the left, then again to your right.  Repeat this exercise every time when offered food.

4930

This one makes a really good point: With all this “gun control” talk, I haven’t heard one politician say how they plan to take guns from criminals, just law abiding citizens.

4931

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond at the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”

Holding the bucket up, he said: “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

4932

I shot a man with a paintball gun just to watch him dye.

4933

Marriage Tip #46: Your wife won’t ever start an argument with you if you’re cleaning.

4934

I’m in a good place right now.  Not emotionally.  I’m just at the liquor store.

4935

Guys, this is important!  I need your help!
I’m in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I’m right.  What the hell do I do next?

 

4936

Let’s do some motivationals!!!!

priceless

Priorities

Priorities1

Priorities2

Priorities3

Prison

Problem Solving

Problem Solving2

Problem_Solving

Problems

Procede_with_caution

Okay, that last one is just wrong!

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I know this one is short.  Let’s do some more cartoons and I have to call it a night.

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I’m gonna have to try that last one.

Until next time my friends.

Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1632

thanksgiving

Good Morning Campers,

Although Thanksgiving has passed by the time you read this I hope you all had a wonderful day.  The Whelpling, Mrs. Whelpling, and the three dragonettes came over and we had a great feast.  It was a good day overall.

I don’t really have much else to talk about this Friday evening, so let’s just get some laughing in.

4901

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”  This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous.  I meant to shout “Donald, duck!”

4902

It shouldn’t be called payday…

…it should be called “Exchange Day.”  They give it to me, and I give it to everyone else.

4903

Sometimes, I wonder why I’m broke.  Then I walk into the supermarket to get milk and spend $150 … and forget the milk.  And it all makes sense.

4904

I’m at the age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my sense of humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

4905

Okay….and?  As long as he wasn’t one of the ones involved in the care of that patient, I don’t see the problem.  If he was involved in the care, than that’s cheating.  Which is a capital offense in Vegas…unless you work for the house.

I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than “fuck”.

4906

 

No wonder spiders are so damn hard to kill.

Okay, this next one makes a REALLY good point:

4

I’m so old…
That I’ve actually dialed a rotary phone before, while listening to an 8 track, next to a black & white TV with aluminum foil on top of its rabbit ear antennas!

4907

That’s not really that surprising to me.

4908

And people wonder why Rome fell.

4a

Keep looking…you’ll figure it out.

Looking at inspirational quotes to feel better is like looking at a treadmill to lose weight.

4909

Challenge – Accepted!

 

Pain is relative – Other people really don’t understand bloodrosepain.  On days where I feel “okay” 1635_separator_bleeding_rose_anithose other people couldn’t get out of bed. 


 

4910

I’ve felt that way before. 

Hi ya neighbors,

Can I just ask everyone a huge favour?

Those of you who are planning to put Christmas lights outside your homes, please can you avoid anything blue and flashing? Every time I drive past, I think it’s the police and have a mild panic attack. I have to remove my foot from the accelerator, slam on the brakes, put my seat belt on, throw my phone on the floor, shove my bottle of wine under the seat and swallow my joint! It’s a major drama. I really appreciate your cooperation and understanding.

Thank You

4911

And that doesn’t surprise me one bit.

I offered to write some cards for Hallmark.

They said I’m the reason people need cards.

4912

I can understand that.  On Thanksgiving, my 7 year-old grand daughter asked to play a game on my tablet, I said sure and handed it to her cause I was busy with other things.  It wasn’t until I saw her watching a kids movie on Netflix that I realized, I didn’t have Netflix on my tablet, I didn’t give her my password, or use my finger print, and no one else knows my password.

4913

My bank balance is a constant reminder that I’m safe from identity theft.

4914

Well crap!  If that’s the case, I should be writing best selling novels!

4915

4b

It’s been a long time coming.  The gratitude to first responders hasn’t been this high since 9-11 … and it should be!

Dear Family:
I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me.
If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.
Dinner is at 2:00, NOT 2:15, NOT 2:05.  Two (2:00). Arrive late and you get what’s left over.
Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil  used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.
Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.
Now, the house rules are slightly different. This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things, then paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.
1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.
2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.
3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage.  Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.
4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.
5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good.  Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me.  I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.
6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.
7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.
8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at  me.
9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over.  Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.
10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think  staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?
11. Words mean things! I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.
12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.
13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.
In  memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver. I really mean all of the above.
Love You,
Grandma.

4916

7 years!?  On a piss study?!

4c

4d

power

Power_Projection

powerleveling

Pragmatism

Prank

pregnant

Preparation

Preparedness

Preparedness2

Presents

previously

I finally did it!  I bought a pair of shoes with Memory Foam insoles.  Now, no more forgetting why I walked into the kitchen!

4917

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity were conversing on the porch of a large white-pillared mansion.

The first woman said, “When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me.”

The the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman continued, “When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive.”

Again, the second woman  commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman boasted, “Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet.”

Yet again, the second woman commented, “Well, isn’t that nice?”

The first woman then asked her companion, “What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?”

The second woman replied, “My husband sent me to charm school.”

“Charm school!” the first woman cried. “Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?”

“So that instead of saying, ‘Who gives a crap,’ I learned to say, ‘Well, isn’t that nice?'”

4918

Morris and his wife were vacationing in Hawaii when a violent earthquake occurred at 3 AM.

As soon as morning came, the man went down to the hotel lobby to read the newspaper about what had happened. As he was reading the newspaper, a local gentleman stepped up and asked him if he had felt the earthquake during the night.
“I sure did. My wife and I are here on vacation from the mainland, and I have felt other earthquakes, but I have never felt a quake like that one, it was terrible. I thought the building was going to come down on us.”
The guy asks, “What were you doing during the earthquake?”
“Gee, I was having the best sexual performance of my life as that earthquake was happening.”
“Is that right? And, what did your wife think about it?”
Morris said, “Well, it damn near woke her up!”

4919

Phone rings, woman answers. The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair?” Woman replies, “Yes I do, he’s watching golf. Whom shall I say is calling?”

4920

A woman goes to see her female doctor. She asks, “My husband want intense sex all day. What can I give him?” The doctor, after thinking about this, smiles warmly, and say, “My number.”

4921

Flying to San Francisco from San Diego the other day, a passenger noticed that the “Fasten Seat Belts” sign was kept lit during the whole journey although the flight was a particularly smooth one. Just before landing, he asked the stewardess about it. “Well,” she explained, up front there are 17 University of San Diego girls going to San Francisco for the weekend. In back, there are 25 Navy recruits out on weekend liberty. “What would you do?”

4922

My friends, I wish you peace, love, and health, blah, blah, blah…screw that!

I wish you lots of sex, booze, orgasms, and hope you win the lottery!

4923

Mrs. Dragon: Having a husband is great because I always have someone to gossip to and he won’t tell a single soul because he wasn’t actually listening in the first place.

Impish Dragon: Huh?

4924

Big girls don’t cry…they pop a couple of Xanax, wash it down with vodka, and set your car on fire.

4925

Ginny: “I just checked my bank account and it said, ‘Return everything you just bought except the hooker heels…you’re gonna need those.’”

4e

4f

4g

4j

Instead of presents this year, I’m giving everyone my opinion.

Get excited.

4926

I look both ways before crossing a one=way street.

That’s how little faith I have in humanity.

4927

Dude, you should have been listening way earlier.

And that’s it for today my friends.  I hope you have a great weekend.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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