I need to talk to you guys. Well, I need to talk and you guys are the best people that I have to talk to. I got a phone call today while I was at work that really threw me. My sister-in-law called. Mary’s brother’s wife and told me that Mary’s other brother (not the wife’s husband) died today. He just collapsed. She was crying really hard when she called so it was tough to get any information out of her so I’m not sure if he was at work or what all, but he just collapsed and died.
The weird thing is, I don’t know how I feel about it. I mean, I’m sad and I feel bad. I know how his poor wife and kids feel, truly I do, but I feel like I should be more upset inside and I don’t.
It’s almost like there’s this little blank spot inside of me where something should be over this.
And THAT has me more concerned than anything right now.
Does that mean that I’m broken, now?
I’ll tell you guys honestly, my first action was to bow my head and pray for his wife and kids and ask God to bless them and comfort them and to welcome him into Heaven. And then ask God to comfort his family, i.e. his brothers and sisters, who I know are going to be devastated, especially after having just lost their sister Mary last year. Heck, it was just 4 days past the anniversary of Mary’s passing. But, then my first desire was to call my Pastor and talk to him about what I was feeling and what was going on.
Now, I didn’t do that because I know that he is busy with a family in the church and getting ready to conduct a funeral tomorrow. Oh, and just for your logistical knowledge, they live about 2 hours south of me. I have Men’s Breakfast on Saturday morning and church service on Sunday where I’ll have a chance to talk with someone if I need/want to. I also have a few counselors I can contact if needs be.
Anyway, just talking to you guys have helped a lot. Now, Izzy and I are going to the movies tonight, since we’ve planned this for a few days now, to see Puss in Boots II.. I think we should be saving our money, since somehow I have to come up with $5k for teeth, but she really wants to go and we need to get out every now and then, too.
So, for now…
1.”My wife is the most suspicious person in the world,” complained the harried husband to a sympathetic friend. “If I come home early, she thinks I’m after something. And if I come home late, she thinks I’ve already had it.”
2. We know a fellow who upon being told by his shrewish wife that she would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea.
3. When the shrew learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, “Does this mean that you’ve had enough of me?” “No, my dear,” he coolly replied. “It means that I haven’t had enough of you.”
4. Martin was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent his wife her alimony payment each month. When asked the reason for his haste, he shivered and explained: “I’m afraid that if I should ever fall behind in my payments she might decide to repossess me.”
5. Thomas Gladstone, a stockbroker, received an urgent phone call one afternoon. “My name is Walters,” the caller announced. “About two weeks ago, my wife got a crazy idea and started walking the street, asking me to procure customers for her.” “Just a minute,” Gladstone protested. “You want Dr. Gladstone the psychiatrist. His name is right below mine in the phone book. Many people dial me by mistake.” “No mistake,” came the reply. “I want you to invest all the money we’re making.”
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it.
The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, “I want to send a telelgram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”
The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.”
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her the word “comfortable”.
The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word “comfortable?”
The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly.”
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?”
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.” He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
“But,” says the other man, “I’m your best friend!”
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs, “Not anymore! He is!”
Night light outside my office.
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?” The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?” The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would still be in Paradise.
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!
You don’t get smarter when you get older. There just aren’t as many stupid things left you haven’t done.
Our hallways can be exciting places where work AND friendships are taken care of.
Okay, even more disgusting!
A boy went with his father to see a litter of kittens. Back home he told his mother there were two boys and two girls. “How did you know that?” his mother asked.
“Daddy held them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
My wife still uses curlers in her hair after she washes it.
She came into the Family Room as I was watching TV.
I guess I stared at her funny because she said, “I just set my hair.”
The last thing I remember saying was, “Oh, really? And what time does it go off?”
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. The husband gets up in a rage and says, “And you are no good in bed either,” and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated husband says, “What took you so long to answer the phone?”
She says, “I was in bed.”
“What are you doing in bed at this hour?”
“Getting a second opinion!”
A little lie is like a little pregnancy it doesn’t take long before everyone knows.
“What’s the date today?” asks a blonde.
“I don’t know. You’ve got a newspaper in your hands… why don’t you look at it?”
“That wouldn’t do any good, it’s yesterday’s paper
A little farmboy comes in late for school.
The teacher asks why he’s late.
The farmboy replies, “I had to take the family cow over to the neighbor’s to get her bred by a bull.”
Annoyed, teacher demands, “Can’t your father do that?”
Little farmboy thinks for a moment: replies, “Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.”
My wife doesn’t complain often, but once she was having a old fashioned “heart-to-heart” with me and said, “Hon, you never listen to me. Every time I try to talk to you, you get this far-away look in your eyes after only a few seconds. Please promise me you’ll try to work on that.”
The last thing I remember was replying, “I’m sorry, what was that you were saying?”
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something.
Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him.
Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried: “Daddy, where’s Mommy?”
Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio. The Reverend said, “Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, ‘I Believe, I Believe!’ and you shall be healed.”
Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, “I Believe, I Believe!”
Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks.
Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air, when Ma said, “Pa, the Reverend said, ‘Heal,’ not raise the dead
Papa Dragon Most Senior used to be a Lineman for Jersey Central Power & Light Co. I agree, one of the most valuable linemen in the country. A thankless job that doesn’t pay near enough. Like so many others across our country. And that is a good place to conclude today’s episode of Dragon Laffs. Until we meet again on Monday. May your days be filled with Laughter, Love, and Happiness.
And now we’re in a race against time. It’s Tuesday and I play darts tonight, then we have Wednesday and I have Bible study and then it’s Thursday, which is when this issue is due. Which means I have no time to put this issue together.
So, like I said, a race against time.
Usually I would have started it by now, but you guys already know the story of this past weekend and the challenges that I faced, so I’ll not go back through that again, because I SURVIVED! That’s the important part, the rest of this is all gravy. But, part of the gravy is getting this done.
Hence, the race.
So, without further ado, let us be about the work of racing and see what kind of laughter we can be about laughing.
In other words…
I never really liked the terminology “Old Farts”??
but this makes me feel better about it.
And if you ain’t one, I bet ya you know one!
I got this from an “Old Fart” friend of mine!
OLD FART PRIDE
I’m passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it’s not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II, Pearl Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam.
If you bump into an Old Fart on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don’ t like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it’s about their children or grandchildren.
It’s the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country, and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!
Pass this on to all the “Old Farts” you know.
I was taught to respect my elders. ♡
It’s just getting harder to find them! ;‐)
That pretty much describes us quite well, and I’m damn proud to be counted amongst their ranks!
That’s so awfully damn specific…
A group of students were asked to list what they thought were the present “Seven Wonders of the World.” Though there were some disagreements, the following received the most votes: 1. Egypt’s Great Pyramids 2. Taj Mahal 3. Grand Canyon 4. Panama Canal 5. Empire State Building 6. St. Peter’s Basilica 7. China’s Great Wall While gathering the votes, the teacher noted that one student had not finished her paper yet. So she asked the girl if she was having trouble with her list? The girl replied, “Yes, a little. I couldn’t quite make up my mind because there were so many.” The teacher said, “Well, tell us what you have, and maybe we can help.” The girl hesitated, the read: “I think the ‘Seven Wonders of the World’ are: 1. To See… 2. To Hear… 3. To Touch… 4. To Taste… 5. To Feel… 6. To Laugh… 7. And to Love.” The room was so quiet, you could have heard a pin drop. The things we overlook as simple and ordinary and that we take for granted are truly wondrous! A gentle reminder: That the most precious things in life cannot be built by hand or bought by man. Don’t be too busy to pass this along.
Another oldie but goodie from our pal Joe in NJ:
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again, asking why I didn’t do something useful with my time, “like sitting around in the Motorhome and drinking John Smiths isn’t a good thing.”
Talking about my “doing-something-usefull” seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is “only thinking of me,” she said, and suggested, I go down to the old folks Centre and hang out with the fellas.
So I did and when I got home, decided to play a prank on her. I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.
She replied, “Are you nuts? You’re 77 years-old and now you’re going to start jumping out of airplanes?”
I told her that I even had a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled, “Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club.”
“Oh man, am I in trouble,” I said, “I signed up for five jumps a week!”
The line went dead.
Life as a Senior Citizen isn’t getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.😄
Did you know I have a Chinese brother-in-law? We’re not talking right now because of the whole COVID thing. He refuses to accept responsibility and I keep telling him that it’s “his fault” because it was his country that released the thing. You can’t tell me that it wasn’t done on purpose. Accident my hind paw! I know better! You know better! And HE knows better! So yeah, we’re not talking to each other right now. Besides, he’s just my Sister-in-law’s husband. Not even a real relation. So, who cares.
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an elderly old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.”
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense….
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you’re fantastic in bed.” That’s Brand Recognition!
There really needs to be a GOOD explanation for that sign.
When we have to secure someone at headquarters for some reason, which we do every now and then. You know, corporate spying, theft of donuts, that sort of thing. We have our own private jail cells and our own private jailers. That’s this guy. He’s the jailer. You don’t want to piss him off. Or take his donuts.
Last year a young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism.
His very first assignment, for the newspaper who hired him, was to write a human interest story.
He decided to go into the Ozark Mountains to do his research.
He found an old farmer’s house in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man.
He then asked him, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”
The old farmer thought for a moment and said, “Yep, one time a neighbor’s sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home.”
“I can’t print that!” the young reporter exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”
“Yep, one time a neighbor’s daughter got lost. We all formed a posse & found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”
“Hell, I can’t print that either!” cried the frustrated reporter. “Has anything ever happened that made you sad?”
The old farmer dropped his head and sit quietly for a few seconds.
Then he timidly replied, “Yep, I got lost once.”
There was a loser who couldn’t get a date. He went to a bar and asked a guy how to get a date.
The guy said, “It’s simple. I just say that I’m a lawyer.”
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said no, he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, “Oh! You’re a lawyer?”
He said, “Why, yes I am!”
So they went to his place. When they were in bed making love, the guy started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, “Well, I’ve only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I’m already screwing someone!”
LAWYER: “On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?”
WITNESS: “I did.”
LAWYER: “And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duckpond?”
WITNESS: “I did.”
LAWYER: “And did you observe anything?”
WITNESS: “I did.” (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: “Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?”
WITNESS: “I saw George.”
LAWYER: ” You saw George *******, the defendant in this case? “
LAWYER: “Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?”
WITNESS: “Yes.” (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: “Well, would you kindly do so?”
WITNESS: ” He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.”
LAWYER: “His ‘thing?'”
WITNESS: “You know… His thing. His di… I mean, his penis.”
LAWYER: “You passed close by the duckpond, the light was good,you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?”
LAWYER: “Did you say anything to him?”
WITNESS: “Of course, I did!”
LAWYER: “What did you say to him?”
WITNESS: “Morning, George.”
Oh HELL No!
Here’s a Not So Easy Quiz to take … Look for the Answers further down. You only need 4 correct to pass:
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8 ) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
What an incredible waste!!! Okay, here’s the answers to your quiz. How many did you get right? My score is at the bottom.
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? – 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? – Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? – Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? – November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? – Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? – Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name? – Albert
8 ) What color is a purple finch? – Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? – New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? – Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too!
Pass this on to your other brilliant friends
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
I got 5. I knew #’s 3, 4, 5, 6, & 10
This one is from Joe in NJ. I don’t know if I’m surprised or not:
I got a fruit basket from my psychiatrist – it was shrink-wrapped.
A little boy is walking to school one day and hears some kids talking about the yellow flower.
He decides he wants to find out what it is.
He gets to school and says to his teacher, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. What is it?”
His teacher says, “I will not tolerate that kind of talk in my classroom! Go to the Principal’s office!”
The little boy goes up to the Principal’s office, and the Principal asks him, “What are you doing up here, son?”
The little boy replies, “I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was and she sent me up here. What is it?”
The Principal says, “I will not have that kind of talk in my school! You are expelled from this school and every other school in the state! Get out!”
So the little boy goes home.
His mother asks, “What are you doing home so early?”
“I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, and the Principal expelled me from every school in the state. What is the yellow flower?”
His mother says, “Go up to your room! You’re going to bed without dinner. I’ll send your father up to talk to you when he gets home.”
So the little boy goes up to his room, and about 5:00 his dad got home from work. He went up to the boy’s room and said, “Your mom tells me you’ve been a bad boy. What did you do?”
“Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, and mom sent me to bed without dinner. What’s the yellow flower?”
His dad says, “Get out of my house son! I don’t ever want to see you again!”
The little boy is walking down the street, and a few hours later and policeman stopped him. He asked him why he was walking by himself so late at night. The little boy says, “Well, I was on my way to school and I heard some kids talking about the yellow flower. I asked my teacher what it was, and she sent me to the Principal’s office, the Principal expelled me from every school in the state, mom sent me to bed without dinner, and dad kicked me out of the house. Can you tell me what the yellow flower is?”
The policeman says, “That’s enough of that! You’re going to jail for 99 years!”
99 years later, he comes back an old man, and decides he wants to try to find out what the yellow flower is. So he heads to his old school where it all started.
As he was crossing the street, he got hit by a car and he died.
What’s the moral of the story?
Look both ways before crossing the street.
Isn’t that like the most frustrating joke you’ve ever heard in your whole life? Oh no, don’t thank me, thank Joe from NJ. It’s ALL ON HIM!!!
I’d ask what the heck is the yellow flower, but I don’t want to be hit by a car, or sent to jail, or …
And I’m not sure if that’s true or not and I’ve not got enough time to try and look it up, I’ve got to get this done in a hurry and run off to bible study. I don’t even have time for dinner. So, with that I’ll say good night. I’m sure one of you guys will check the veracity of that last one anyway. So for now, Love and Happiness to you all.
Well, my Saturday class got cancelled, so here I am, thinking about you guys, and I’m going to see what I can put together today for Monday.
So, for right now, I’m going to do the laughing and joking thing and then maybe we’ll move on to other things later.
So, come on! Let’s go! We don’t have all day!
How many of you got that one?
I was shocked, confused, bewildered As I entered Heaven’s door, Not by the beauty of it all, Nor the lights or its decor. But it was the folks in Heaven Who made me sputter and gasp – The thieves, the liars, the sinners, The alcoholics and the trash. There stood the kid from seventh grade Who swiped my lunch money twice. Next to him was my old neighbor Who never said anything nice. Bob, who I always thought Was rotting away in hell, Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, Looking incredibly well. I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal? I would love to hear your take. How’d all these sinners get up here? God must’ve made a mistake. ‘And why is everyone so quiet, So somber – give me a clue.’ ‘Hush, child,’ He said, ‘they’re all in shock. No one thought they’d be seeing you.’ Author unknown.
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. Paul Ehrlich (1854 – 1915)
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.
“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.
“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways,” said the nun.
“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.
“Well, there is one thing,” she said.
“Just name it,” said God.
“It’s those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”
“Consider it done,” said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”
“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.
“Name it. Please,” said God.
“It’s the M&M’s,” said the blonde nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”
Let it snow! And you wonder why Impish is blue! It’s bloody cold outside!
A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.
“Can I get you anything, sir?” she asks the man.
“Yes, I’ll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you”.
“And for you, sir?” she asks the parrot.
“A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I’m thirsty!” demands the parrot.
The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot’s drink, which he snatches without a word.
“Excuse me,” says the man, “but I ordered a coffee”.
“Did you, sir? I’m sorry, I’ll get you one straight away”. By which time the parrot has finished his drink.
“Anything else for you, sir?” the stewardess asks the parrot.
“Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can’t wait all night!”
Again the stewardess returns with the parrot’s drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.
“Listen here you stupid slapper,” he says to the stewardess, “I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!”
Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.
As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 35,000 feet, the parrot turns to the man and says, “You’re a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can’t fly, aren’t you!”
During a Coffee Break, two men were talking: “My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden.”
Replied the first man. “So were you able to find some?” the second man, asked.
“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’.”
“The gardener said ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’.”
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”
He moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”
He reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”
“The Girl Scout Cookies are in!”
A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors:
“Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did.”
Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, “A little birdie told me.”
Did you know they probably aren’t lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called “Flies Unseen Everywhere” or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.
They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, “Huh?”
Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE.
Science jokes … gotta love ’em.
This is a conversation that took place between a young man and a market surveyor in London.
Surveyor: Which shaving cream do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which aftershave do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which deodorant do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which toothpaste do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which shampoo do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: Which condoms do you use?
Young Man: Raymond’s
Surveyor: (Frustrated) Okay, tell me, What is this Raymond? An international company? A local firm? What???
Young Man: Raymond? He’s my roommate.
The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first.”
The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“Well”, said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.
“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!
I know, my son,” replied the old man. “But that flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell”, can’t stay on the church roof!
As a young boy, Paul was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test- drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Paul was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Paul’s leg and fracturing his skull. He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.
But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away – tractors were GONE.
Many years later, Paul went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Paul asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Paul looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.
“That was amazing!” she said, “How did you do that?”
“No problem”, said Paul, “I’m an ex-tractor fan”
The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:
“Sister, I want to show you something.”
“What is it, Father?
“Come into my private room & close the blinds.”
“I heard what you said – I just can’t believe you’re saying it!”
“Well, I really need you to come in.”
Curious, the nun does as she is told.
“Here, sit on the bed beside me.”
“I have to get out of here.”
“Aren’t you the least bit curious?”
Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.
“Get under the covers.”
“WHAT?????!!!!!” The nun was really freaking out.
“It doesn’t work otherwise!”
After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.
He whispers: “Come closer.”
Nervously, she does get closer.
“See,” the priest whispers gleefully, “my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!”
So, normally, it would be the political cartoons that would go here, but since I don’t have any ready right now, I decided to go with a collection of comforting words that all of you have sent me over the last couple of … weeks (?) … months (?) … whatever, because they have meant so much to me, perhaps they will mean as much to some of you.
The last one I got most recently, just a few days ago as a matter of fact, and I think I like it best. It speaks so much truth. Thank you to all who have sent these and so many, many others to me. I know my Mary is in a wonderful, glorious place, spending her days with her Heavenly Father. I KNOW this to be true. So, how can I be anything other than happy for her? No, I’m sad for ME! Does that make sense? I MISS HER. That’s personal. That has nothing to do with her or where she’s gone, it has all to do with me. Anyway, I’m just talking myself in circles right now, so, let’s continue on with one more set of laughs, cause I’m running out of time to put this one to bed. But first, let’s read this…
The Calls That Don’t Get Made
By Bob Greene
It’s an inside joke— and the only other person who got it is no longer alive.
‘Tim, get your head off the wall.” I heard myself saying the words aloud, though there was no one else around. I laughed, and my first thought was that I should call Tim and tell him. My second thought was that I couldn’t.
I was visiting the town where we grew up. Tim Greiner was the catcher on our high school’s baseball team, a starting end on the football team, and a guy with whom I cannot recall ever spending a single unhappy moment. His mother would come home from work in the afternoon, we would be sitting on the floor of the living room of his house—he resting his head against the wallpaper— and, without fail, his mom’s first words as she walked in the door would be, “Tim, get your head off the wall.”
So the other afternoon, as I passed his old house, I found myself saying those words and decided to call him and tell him about it, and before I could reach into my pocket for my phone I realized: Tim died in 2009. There’s no one else who would understand.
It happens more and more as you grow older; if it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. You have good friends who die, and of all the melancholy things that are a part of that, there is one that somehow you never anticipated when you were younger: So often, when there’s something you want to tell the one person in the world who would understand it best, he isn’t there, and never will be again.
It confronts you when you least expect it. At Rubino’s Pizzeria in our town the other night—a place that has been on Main Street since the Eisenhower administration—I walked in and instantly saw that something, for the first time in decades, was different. It was the tabletops: The grungy old ones were gone, replaced by shiny surfaces featuring advertising logos of local companies and likenesses of two of the original employees, Frank Marchese and Tommy Culley. I knew who’d want to know: Allen Schulman, my boyhood friend who had spent as many hours in Rubino’s as I had and who, like me, continued to visit the place as an adult. My hand reached for my pocket again—new tables at Rubino’s were breaking news—and then, as it had outside Tim Greiner’s house, reality intruded. I couldn’t call Allen and tell him. I spoke at his memorial service last January.
The advice manuals about the patterns of mourning break down grief into stages, and that is the usual reference when people try to explain the specifics of loss. But this simple truth—that there’s no one to call—hits you hard every time.
And the moments become more frequent. In our hometown in the 1950s and early ’60s, there was a televised wrestling show—“Lex’s Live Wrestling,” named for its host, a local Chevrolet dealer—that was broadcast every Saturday afternoon from Old Memorial Hall. My friend Kenny Stone and I would ride the bus, buy tickets for 50 cents apiece, and sit entranced as we watched Buddy “Nature Boy” Rogers, Fritz von Goering, Handsome Johnny Barend and the Magnificent Maurice. I passed Old Memorial Hall the other afternoon, noticed that it was now a government building, and knew I had to tell Kenny. But the call went unmade. He’s been gone since 2005, and the news wouldn’t matter to anyone else.
It’s such a quiet and universal part of the cycle of life: As the years pass, for the seemingly small things you most yearn to say, there’s no one left to tell.
Which in itself catches you by surprise. Because no one ever told you about it.
Yup, it’s tough getting older for so many reasons. So, let’s laugh about it, shall we?
Daughter to Dad … TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation
Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber. My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.” Lots of love and thanks,
Your favorite daughter, Lilly
Dad’s reply ….also by texting
My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool! Whatever….., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.
L.O.L. (lots of love), Daddy
So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs “furries”, and this is hilarious. 😂. Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat?
Sitting at the supper table son says: “Dad, I think I’m a cat!
Dad: “No son, you’re a boy! “
My son: “No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I !! It’s my right and you can’t do anything about it!”
Dad: 🤔 “OK!! “
My son: “Hey, where’s my supper? “
Dad: “Your supper is in the catfood bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!”
My son: “What???”
Dad: hits him with a broom, “get off the table furball!!”
My son in the corner looking bewildered!
Me to my wife : “Is that cat neutered”??
My wife: “I will make an appointment!! “
My son: “What??? “ 😳
Dad: “Your mother and I have decided we don’t want a house cat, so get out to the barn and hunt mice!”
My son: “What???”
Dad: brandishes broom, “NOW, to the barn you stupid cat!!”
My son: “Dad, I think I’m a boy!”
Dad: “I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!”
Spay and neuter these animals. Stop them from reproducing. Today’s society has enough fruit loops already.
End of story!
“Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
“Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked.
“Yeah, sure,” she replied, “but not by a doctor!”
Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known.
Some of his sayings: 1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco. 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day. 3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works. 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 5. Always drink upstream from the herd. 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging. 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket. 8. There are three kinds of men: * The ones that learn by reading. * The few who learn by observation. * The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves. 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. 10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there. 11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back. 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
And that is it my dear, dear friends. As it turns out, you DO get an issue on Monday. Love and Happiness to you all.
And I swear I had this issue started already, but when I went and checked, I hadn’t started it so I’m starting it now, but it just goes to show that my mind isn’t what it is supposed to be right now.
I’m teaching a class today. I don’t want to be teaching a class today, I want to be hiding in my living room with my covers pulled over my head and my TV on or with my laptop on my lap and ignoring the world because tomorrow is the anniversary of my dear Mary’s passing and this week has been pure hell.
Tomorrow, I have church and then a make up darts match and I don’t think there will be an issue of Dragon Laffs for Monday because I don’t think I will be able to put one together for Monday, so there will be today’s issue and then one on Thursday. So, I’m asking you to please forgive me now for not having one on Monday. Please understand, I will be fine. I’m just deep in my own head right now and it’s an ugly, black little place right now. I’ve prayed and God is protecting me, but that doesn’t leave a lot of room for a whole lot of anything else.
Anyway, let’s get on with the laughter or I’m not going to have much of an issue for this Saturday either, so …
Here’s a classic oldie…from Joe from NJ:
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. ‘What’s the matter, dear’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’. She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up. The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly. Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies. The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car’ ‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him. The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years’ ‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”
It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.
“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,
“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”
Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, “Hi, what’s up?”
“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold. “It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a game of bridge and we’re short one player so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”
“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice, “I’m leaving right now.” And he puts down the phone.
“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.
“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies. “They’ve already called three doctors.”
I’m telling you, it’s a GREAT forest!
And another old classic for your perusal…and again…it’s from from Joe in NJ
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States . It’s 11:00 AM on a Wednesday.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. American for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a free education!”
The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am a Mexican.”
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America ..”
The person says, “I not American, I Vietnamese.”
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful America !
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Middle East. I am not American.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an American?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa ..”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Americans?”
The African lady checks her watch and says: “Probably at work.”
Dragon vs. Unicorn in the all time greatest cage mage, ever! Dragon will win, no doubt!
And you’ll never guess where this river flows … in the Dragon Forest, where else?
And this one is from Friggin’ Pete:
It’s about time you realize just how special you are.
1. The average man produces about 2,000,000 fertile spermatozoon per day.
2. That is about 45,000,000,000 spermatozoon in a lifetime.
3. Every single one of them has it’s own unique DNA.
4. The average man has three children in his lifetime.
5. That makes the possibility that your Father’s single spermatozoon will become you is about 1:15,000,000,000.
6. The possibility that your Grandfather’s single Sperm became your Father and that your Father’s single sperm then became you is about 1:144,000,000,000,000,000,000.
7. The possibility of your existence after 10 generations is: 1:600,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000.
8. The possibility of your existence since the beginning of mankind is: 1:18,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 plus another 500,000 more zeros.
9. These calculations are based only on Fatherhood’s factors. They do NOT factor in such things as Motherhood, early death, miscarriage, sickness, etc etc…..
10. If these statistics could include ALL factors….the possibility of your existence would be almost zero.
After realizing how unthinkably huge of a coincidence you are…
After realizing that the chance of your existence is almost a O% but, here you are 100%….
It’s about time you realize just how special you are.
It’s about time you realize that sitting here today, even with your flaws, your problems, your tribulations, your hurts, your pains and all else that makes up life, you are worthy. You are worthy of life, of love and being loved, especially from yourself because, God saw fit to give you the awesome gift of life. I guess all of that is for another writing, huh.
I guess for now, just try to appreciate the unfathomable fact that……you are alive!
How in the world did ANYONE survive THAT?!
And yet ANOTHER oldie, but THIS one is from Friggin’ Pete, which just goes to show you that not everything that is golden and olden is from NJ…
A congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the congressman as he smiled smugly, “How about global warming; universal health care; or stimulus packages?”
“OK,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don’t know shit?”
And then she went back to reading her book.
And this follow-on from Friggin’ Pete, which is an old Urban Legend…
When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.
The Russians used a pencil…
Your taxes are due again in April.
When I first posted that last one someone commented “Graphite dust from pencils caused several deadly command capsule fires.“
My response was “Kyle I appreciate your input but, this is just a joke. To tell you the truth, there is very little truth to any of this ie. NASA knew pens would not work in space, Congress did not approve 165 Million for NASA to develop the pen nor did NASA develop it, it was done independently. The Russians did not use graphite pencils because of all the problems they caused, they used grease pens and when the Fisher pen was developed they used that just like NASA did. The only part that is not a joke is your damned taxes are due in April!“
Holy Crap! That was supposed to be a Love Potion!
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you’re in a public restroom.
That’s an awesome balancing act. I’d hate to find out that they are glued together.
This next one is from Joe in NJ but I think you could probably sign this one from several of us, LOL!
I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time and trouble to send me “forwards” and “important” news over the past 12 months.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any money because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 6:00 p.m. Michigan time this very evening. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.
Happy Holidays to one and all!
New Year’s Eve, the hostess jumped up on the bar at the local pub and said that it was almost midnight and time to get ready to celebrate.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
You would really put that in a review?
John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?”
“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head sadly. “I have a real problem with her.”
“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.”
“Yeah,” John answered. “But I got mine pregnant.”
For a couple of years after high school I worked in a traveling circus.
I was quite heavy at the time.
My act was being shot out of the cannon.
After a few years I quit the circus and went to college. Soon after, the circus went out of business.
Seems they couldn’t find a man of my caliber.
Why Teachers retire early or turn to drink
The following questions were in a ( UK ) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination– (These are genuine answers).
Q. What is a turbine? A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.
Q. How is dew formed? A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q. What happens to your body as you age? A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination? A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)? A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O, U.
Q. What is the fibula? A. A small lie.
Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean? A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work.)
Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section.’ A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .
Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)
Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Name the four seasons
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
AND THEY CAN VOTE NOW?
Truly a classic! Thanks Joe!
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself.
I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal usbandry. I settled for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale.
To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.
The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.
My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?”, Granny continued. “Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, Hang on!”
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.
The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.
Q: What’s the difference between a boxer and a woman?
A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up.
How much has your day been ruined when an ear of corn has punched through your windshield?
DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING? Hmmmmm! By the Numbers?
The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this, there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 20 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing TERRORISTS !!
Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.
You and me.
And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.
Nice. Real nice!!!
DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING? HEE HEE!😁
Too weird for words.
And yes, that picture looks familiar because I used it as a header a while back. Which also leads us to the end of today’s issue. Thanks very much for your kind attention to the very end of today’s edition and I hope you have a Loving and Happiness filled weekend. I may or may not see you again on Monday, depending on how my weekend goes, but if you get a spare moment, a kind word to the Man Upstairs for your favorite dragon would not be unappreciated. Until we meet again…
Today is Thursday … well, for me, it’s actually Sunday and I was going to take the day off and relax, but I got a message from someone and I felt bad about it and had to jump on here and get it off my chest and say:
Let me ‘splain. I got this comment today:
As to the other part of your comment, Joe, the easiest way to get a hold of me is my new email attached to the actual website for the ezine.
And the Colts are setting records in their game against the Giants. I’m so proud of these guys. They have set the record for the Giants having the largest lead of their season … and it’s only half time. I didn’t think they’d do that well against the Giants, but I really didn’t think they’d let them kick their butts THIS badly.
So, anyway, let’s get some laughs started while we’re here, shall we?
Apparently not this time.
Older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for.
It is NOT a memory problem.
It is nature’s way of making older people get more exercise.
Yeah, THAT’S gonna be the problem.
The Math teacher asked Johnny, “How many feet are there in a yard?”
Johnny responded, “It depends on how many people are standing in the yard!”
Apparently, you can’t use “BEEFSTEW” as a password. Why not? It’s not STROGANOFF.
“So, Yeah. I just wanted to introduce myself. I’m your new neighbor. I’m moving into the cave, right over on the next ridge, I’m pretty quiet, you won’t even know I’m there, and it’s not like I’ll be throwing a lot of parties or anything…”
If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, … … you are probably still an idiot.
If size doesn’t matter, why are there no 3 inch dildos?
She said her kids have A.D.D….
My smart ass said, “All Different Daddies?”
Now I’m blocked!
Our IT section is a little … different at Dragon Laffs, Inc. But, we are always looking for, how shall I put this … talented help.
A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday. Once on the plane, the Captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built.
Everyone freaked out and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm. When the flight attendant asked why he hadn’t left he responded, “I know the abilities of my students quite well, this thing won’t even start.”
Boy, ain’t that the truth!
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
So, now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Some men will leave the woman that loves them thinking that there are many fishes in the ocean only to go and catch a crab.
My friend is great at selling home security systems. If people aren’t home, he just leaves a brochure on their kitchen table.
BRAIN AT 3 AM:
I can see you’re trying to sleep, so I would like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years!
All Facebook accounts are being hacked and cloned. To avoid this you must stand naked on your kitchen table, singing “I Will Survive”, while doing the Macarena. Only then will Mark Zuckerberg travel down your chimney on a golden unicorn and present you with a special blue token to protect your account. Now send this to everyone on your contacts list, otherwise goblins will wee in your fridge.
I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.” He said, “NO!” I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.” He said, “Okay.”
I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.” Bill Gates said, “NO.” I told Bill Gates, “My son is the CEO of World Bank.” Bill Gates said, “Okay.”
I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO. He said, “NO.” I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.” He said, “Okay.”
This is how politics works.
Kind of scary when the weather man is the closest one to telling the truth on the news these days…
This is awesome! Epic Service Dog Training Failure!
And another one … same dog, I think:
Dragon Forest, of course, is where the campground is, where we meet for Dragon Laffs.
A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consults his portable GPS and replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.
She rolls her eyes and says, “You must be a Republican!”
“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answers the balloonist, “everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’re not much help to me.”
The man smiles and responds, “You must be a Democrat.”
“I am, replies the balloonist. “How did you know?”
“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”
And that is it my friends. I hope you have a wonderful day and that it is filled with Love and Happiness.