#1535–The end of a Blue Era

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Campers

 

Um….. I’m not really sure how to start this issue.  You see….I’ve had a few … um …. problems.  It’s been a bad week in quite a few ways.  For instance.  Right now, as I write this, it’s Friday at noon.  Less than 14 hours to my publishing deadline and I’m just now starting this issue.

Actually, I take that back.  I haven’t just started.  Actually, while I was hiding out in my personal protective bunker, I got almost all of this week’s issue complete.  And it was AWESOME!!!  One of the best I’ve ever put out.  And then…. well … let’s review what happened on Wednesday:

Marvin appeared quite pleased with what ever he’d done to Impish saying “Yes, I think pink definitely is your color and the yellow polka dots! Spaceman Spiff certainly does have a unique fashion sense for someone so young! Now I have something to say to you, then IF you have been attentive I MIGHT release you from paralyzation…if not well lets say you’ll make a very Andy Warhalish art statement as a statue someplace.

And then Marvin sang this really great “I’m a Martian” song.  I won’t repeat it here because I’m sure I can’t do it justice, but if you were there for the singing you know what I mean.

13Oh, and the damn Spaceman Spiff…. if I … well… I better not say anything.  First of all he’s a kid, secondly he has a tiger for a playmate, third I’m sure it’s not beyond the realm of things for me to be charged with child abuse or something like that, and lastly, if he’s a friend of Marvin’s…well… I’m already in enough trouble with him as it is.

Anyway, then:

Once finished, Marvin regarded Impish for a moment expectantly before asking, “Well?! What have you got to say for yourself Dragon?”14

Impish rolled his eye in frustration and managed a very weak “Mmmerughf! Gugablerk? Mmmer Merrrah!” while glaring pointedly at Marvin.

Marvin considers this for a moment, then sighs before saying “ A valid enough point I suppose. Very well but just know at the first sign of a deep inhale out of you I’ll transmogrify your pink behind into a pink mouse then dump you among the Ninja Cats. We clear?” Impish blinked once in assent was subject to another blast from the ray gun in Marvin’s hand and fell rather undignifiedly to the floor. Marvin snickered

Anyway, when I got back to my issue, it was gone.  Disappeared.  Ka-put!  Well, not completely.  There was a note:

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Issue is gone.  I can’t type in blue, only pink…and … and … the worst of it is … I CAN’T REMEMBER WHAT THE HELL IT IS I’M SUPPOSED TO DO OR SAY OR WHATEVER TO GET THIS CRAZY GREEN MARTIAN OFF MY ASS!!!!

Doomed…. I’m Doomed.

Lets laugh

We might as well.  This might be the last issue.  Next week at this time I might be a statue in Marvin the Martian’s garden.

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This is just awesome!  The patience and thought that must have gone into this:

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Ain’t that the truth!!!

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It was horrible…truly horrible.

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Dragon Pix

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I can’t stand it!  I can’t even get a picture of a dragon other than pink ones!!!

And speaking of dragons, this pinkish dragon still can’t remember what it is that I’m supposed to do!!! I tried asking Lethal, but I can’t find him.  Every room I go into that he is supposed to be in, I get a quick whiff of cigar smoke and good whiskey.  I need a new plan.  I’m now down to about 12 hours.  Maybe Diaman or Ginny will know.

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Damn!  Even Dr. Sheldon Cooper is giving me crap!

The difference between Oo and oO
 
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
 
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it?”t

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: Oo.  Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s admirable,” says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.

 
“And how did you do?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“Wow!” says the judge. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”

 
“Well, I used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “I drew two circles like this: oO.  Then I pointed to the little circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison …”
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I hate waiting in lines…
I wish this lady would hurry up and pick a suspect already!

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Fantasy

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Okay, this is really getting out of hand…

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That’s the way it’s been around here all week.  I’ve been hiding, tense, stressed out and it still didn’t matter.

And now I can’t find either Ginny or Diaman.  But, every time I go into a room looking for Lethal, I smell the cigars and the whiskey and now I hear giggles just out of sight.  I can’t help but think that they are ALL against me!

Public

It is with a sad heart that I announce the death of one of the original kings of comedy.

Donald Jay “Don” Rickles (May 8, 1926 – April 6, 2017) was an American stand-up comedian and actor. Although he became well known as an insult comic, his pudgy, balding appearance and pugnacious style led to few leading roles in film or television; his prominent film roles included Run Silent, Run Deep (1958) and Kelly’s Heroes (1970), and beginning in 1976 he enjoyed a two-year run starring in the sitcom C.P.O. Sharkey.

He received widespread exposure as a popular guest on numerous talk shows, including The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson and Late Show with David Letterman, and later voiced Mr. Potato Head in the Toy Story films. He won a Primetime Emmy Award for the 2007 documentary Mr. Warmth: The Don Rickles Project.

For those of you who may not have ever seen this great comedian before.  This is Don Rickles on the Glen Campbell Show from 1969.

And From Kelly’s Heroes.  His character’s name was Crapgame.

Don Rickles was the king of put down comedy and insults.  He was famous for not letting anyone get a word in edgewise.  Well, in 1969 Susan White, reporter for WMAR-TV in Baltimore, was invited to go on a MGM movie junket to Ireland, England, and Yugoslavia. She was one of just 14 broadcasters from throughout the world to be included in this trip. In Belgrade, Yugoslavia, on the movie set of what would become known as Kelly’s Heroes Susan and the others interviewed Clint Eastwood, Telly Salvalas and Don Rickles. When everyone else tried to interview comedian Don Rickles he didn’t let them get in a word or a question and made fun of their inability to do so. So when it was Susan’s turn she decided to turn try and turn the tables on the King of the put down. This film interview is almost 48 years old.

Mr. Rickles, you will be missed.  You succeeded in a time where comedy didn’t have to be gross or filled with four-letter words, yet you could cut the toughest of men to the quick.  Rest well, and try and let St. Peter get a word in edge-wise or you’ll cause a backup at the Pearly Gates.

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Damn, no wonder I can’t lose any weight!

Doctor’s say that drinking 8 glasses of water a day helps your skin look younger.  My advice?  Drink 8 glasses of wine a day and you won’t give a damn how old you look!

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Critter

That crack of Marvin’s when he said that he’d turn me into a pink mouse and toss me in with the Ninja Kitties scared me half to death, so let’s do some animal humor and maybe that will help.

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Hey!  I just thought of something!  How does Marvin even KNOW anything at all about the Ninja Kitties?  Could Lethal be behind …. nah!  I forgot that he’s actually related to Lethal.  So, of course he knows about the Ninja kitties.  And to think, Lethal Leprechaun doing something like this to me.  That’s SO ridiculous!

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So this was just before my first knee surgery in January of 2015.  I wasn’t lazy, I was in pain.

People who talk shit will be reincarnated as toilet paper.

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I love this joke!

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”

Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband – “I love you, Sweetheart”

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the
text message they received in response to their message.

Below are 12 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean.

6. What the hell did you do now?

8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need.

9. Am I dreaming?

10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

11. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day

12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

I still can’t find Diaman or Ginny.  But I think they changed their clothing.

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Motivate

A Rack

Motivational Happiness

Motivational Horseplay

Motivational Instant Karma

Motivational NASCAR

Motivational Thriller

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Okay, time to handle something REALLY important…
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“Golf is the closest game to the game we call life.

You get bad breaks from good shots;

You get good breaks from bad shots;

But, you have to play the ball where it lies.”

~ Bobby Jones

 

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So, my car broke down outside Pizza Hut last night.

So, I ordered a pizza to be delivered to my house and got a lift from the driver.

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There are two kinds of People –
1. Happy Morning People
2. Cranky morning people that fantasize about killing the Happy Morning People.

 

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A retired older couple return to a BMW dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a mini skirt and halter top.
The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. “Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price,” said the older man. “Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there.” “And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model.”
The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. “Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn’t need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?”, replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man… “There you go,” she said. “I told you I could get him to lower the price… see you later, Dad.”   2719

 

Well, that’s it I guess.  I’m out of time.
I can’t find Lethal.
I can’t find Diaman.
I can’t find Ginny.
I have no idea what it is I’m supposed to be doing and I just got this message from Marvin:

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The only question is, am I leaving with him as a pink statue or am I staying here.  The martians are all the same.  Take you away, probe you in inhuman ways.  Drop you like a pink rock.

Hey!  Wait!  That was it!  I had to admit that Marvin was a Martian!  And I did that!  Several times this issue!  I’m safe!  I’m Free!  I’m …. why am I still pink and what is that blue glow coming from the other room….

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Leprechaun Laughs # 389 for April 5th 2017

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You find an uncharacteristically happy Lethal Leprechaun as you enter the Conference Room. In fact he’s so happy it’s down right creeping you out. He’s smiling whistling a merry air, cracking jokes with the patrons and…did I mention smiling? He’s not even frowning at the perpetually late crowd!

Ginny and Diaman have gone as far as to demand to sample his coffee but to their disappointment aside from being Brown Gold there’s nothing ‘extra’ in his mug. once you are all seated be begins

“Good Morn ta ya all and isn’t it a grand morn? Yes ok I’ll admit ‘tis just a wee over the moon this morning I am but with good reason. You see aside from that never ending personal dilemma we’ve been dealing w/ the after math of since President’s Day finally as of last Wednesday afternoon being over with Molly has been gone since 06:00 last Friday morning. Off to the land of liberals Loonies and unreasoning Tree Hugging Granola Munchers (California, specifically San Jose) was she.  However she’ll be back in me loving arms later this evening once again.  That is more than enough ta be making me very happy.

Now I’ve lots ta be doing afore she makes it home so you’ll have ta be excusing me. Mean time ‘tis a grand issue I have for the like o’ ye just chock full o’ mirth, so ya best be getting’ to it.”

Varrom

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That my table, my coffee and my Thin Mints. Hard not to be in a good mood when you’re facing those 2 things for breakfast, even for me.

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Wednesday Chuckle

 

A couple starts fussing over their new born baby boy.

“Look at the size of his penis, its huge” said the husband.

“Yes, but he does have your eyes darling” said his wife.

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20 Zen Teachings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just leave me the Hell alone.

2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of payments.

7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don’t worry, it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our ass … then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

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40 years of marriage…

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their

40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.??

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’??

The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:

‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’??

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!… ??

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…

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Adventures of Impish Dragon

As Impish busied himself with cleaning up both himself as well as his bathroom (while warily searching for other hidden pranks) he failed to notice the blue glow/light, faint electronic sound, very brief scuffling and the pair of heavy thuds emanating from the main room of his super secure bolt hole.

That is until he stepped back out into that room and found the two bodyguard Trolls sitting on the floor bound hand and feet, back to back securely tied to each other all with glowing white filaments. He idly noted that they were also quite unconscious or asleep their impressive assortment of weapons were no place to be seen, the Legos were all missing. No, scratch that they were not missing, they had been assembled and stood amidst the wreckage of the sandwich cart not assembled in a likeness of Marvin Martian’s personal banner!

Impish whimpered softly and began back peddling into the bathroom with the faint hope of making it into his hidden danger room the entrance to which was concealed in the shower. He was pretty hopeful that even Lethal wasn’t cleaver enough to think of putting a safe room inside a safe room and therefor Marvin might think he had an escape tunnel and begin searching outside the safe room for him.

Mid reversal of his direction he heard a rather high pitched voice call to him, “I can just as easily shoot you in there as in here Dragon, now how about you just man up and face me you big pansy!”

“Suck fireball you Martian wannabe!” cried out Impish as he repeatedly stabbed his panic button while inhaling.

imageMarvin stepped out into the dim light of the room from a totally different direction than the voice had come, raised what appear to be a ray gun at Impish and fired- twice.  Impish prepared himself of the pain of disintegration as his fantasy life as a father, husband and Instructor for the all important skills of CBRNE to young Air Force personnel going into harms way flashed before his eyes. Micro seconds seemed like hours. He actually had the time to notice that the ray gun he was being shot with was not the usual blocky Acme Disintegration Pistol favored by Marvin, that was apparently still on his hip. This one was more oval and tear drop shaped, sporting the legend “Spaceman Spiff Transmorgrafier –Tranquilizer-Paralyzer.” Then the first beam hit him and he knew he was paralyzed. When the second beam hit him microseconds later he suddenly felt extremely flushed and slightly strange as if something he couldn’t quite place had happened to him.  He simply felt …’off’’, not his normal self but was unable to say what it was that was wrong exactly.

Marvin appeared quite pleased with what ever he’d done to Impish saying “Yes, I think pink definitely is your color and the yellow polka dots! Spaceman Spiff certainly does have a unique fashion sense for someone so young! Now I have something to say to you, then IF you have been attentive I MIGHT release you from paralyzation…if not well lets say you’ll make a very Andy Warhalish art statement as a statue someplace.

Clearing his throat, Marvin proceeded to press a stud on his helmet and to Impish’s surprise music began to play.

 

Once finished, Marvin regarded Impish for a moment expectantly before asking, “Well?! What have you got to say for yourself Dragon?”

Impish rolled his eye in frustration and managed a very weak “Mmmerughf! Gugablerk? Mmmer Merrrah!” while glaring pointedly at Marvin.

Marvin considers this for a moment, then sighs before saying “ A valid enough point I suppose. Very well but just know at the first sign of a deep inhale out of you I’ll transmogrify your pink behind into a pink mouse then dump you among the Ninja Cats. We clear?” Impish blinked once in assent was subject to another blast from the ray gun in Marvin’s hand and fell rather undignifiedly to the floor. Marvin snickered

[Tune in Saturday for Impish’s answer. Learn if he escapes the fate of being anal probed by a mad Martian with an Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. Find out if he gets his nice blue coloring back or if he gets transmogrified into something akin to the next photo.]

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In Honor of Impish- A Couple Groaners!

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them.

Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 

Kenny Rodgers robs a bank. As he is making a getaway, the cops starting chasing him. He is able to almost lose them when he hits a bump and a wheel comes off the truck. He crashes and of course is busted by the cops. As he is being lead away, he looks at the tire and starts singing “you picked a fine time to leave me loose wheel!”

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I always wondered why Waldo was hiding in the first place. Now it makes perfect sense. Wonder what the heck he ever did to set off a man hunt like that?

There is a big reveal at the end that’s is just plain cool

Not what you think

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again … back and forth … back and forth … in and out … in and out.

She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.

Her heart was pounding … her face was flushed … then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

“OK, OK! I can’t park the fucking car!

You do it, you smug bastard!

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A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.

“We’re sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife”.

“Tell me! Did you find her?!” Cedric Flynn asked.

One officer said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news”! 

Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, “Give me the bad news first.”

The officer said, “I’m sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”

“Lord sufferin’ Jesus!” exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?”

The officer continued,

“When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Maine Lobsters that you’ve ever seen clinging to her……..Haven’t seen lobsters like that since the 60’s, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch.”  

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, “If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?”

The officer replied,

“We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow”

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Relationships

Contrary to what many women believe, it is fairly easy to develop a long-term, stable, intimate, and mutually fulfilling relationship with a guy. Or course this guy has to be a Labrador retriever. With human guys, its extremely difficult. This is because guys don’t really grasp what women mean by the term relationship.

Let’s say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.

And then, one evening when they’re driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?”

And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself; Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.

And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward x I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

And Roger is thinking: So that means it was, let’s see, February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s. Which means, lemme check the odometer, WHOA! I am way overdue for an oil change here.

And Elaine is thinking: He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment. Maybe he has sensed — even before I sensed it — that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

And Roger is thinking: And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!

COMMUNICATIONS GAP

And Elaine is thinking: He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

And Roger is thinking: They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs!

And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

And Roger is thinking: Warranty?! They want a warranty?! I’ll give them a damn warranty! I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their…

“Roger,” Elaine says aloud.

“What?” says Roger.

“Please don’t torture yourself like this,” she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. “Maybe I should never have … Oh God, I feel so…” (She breaks down, sobbing).

“What?” asks Roger.

“I’m such a fool,” Elaine sobs. “I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.”

“There’s no horse?” asks Roger.

“You think I’m a fool, don’t you?” Elaine says.

“No!” says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.

“It’s just that … It’s that I … I need some time,” Elaine says.

(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally, he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)

“Yes,” he says.

A BEFUDDLED BEAU

(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)

“Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?” she asks.

“What way?” asks Roger.

“That way about time?” says Elaine.

“Oh,” says Roger. “Yes.”

(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last, she speaks.)

“Thank you, Roger,” she says.

“Thank you,” says Roger.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it. (This is also Roger’s policy regarding world hunger).

ANALYSIS TIME

The next day, Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine’s, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: “Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?”

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Part 2

“Snorzzzt!”

Huh?

Oh man, I just woke myself up with my snoring.  And oh man, do I have to hit the little dragon’s room. 

But, this doesn’t feel like my bedroom … oh yeah!  My private shelter.  Hee, Hee.  Guess it worked.  I’m still safe. 

Why is my hand all wet?

Oh, nice.  Classic.  Put my hand in a bowl of warm water to make me pee my bed.  April Fools day is coming soon.  That Lethal, what a kidder!

But I really gotta take a leak!  AND NOW!

 

Impish swings his feet off the dragon sized bunk and leaps to the floor in a hurry to reach the facilities and lets out a blood curdling scream of pain. 

 

MY FEET!  MY FEET!  What in all the hells is all over the floor!‼! Lights!  I need lights!  Dammit, I think I peed myself a little.

 

As the lights come on, Impish sees the floor is literally covered in Lego® blocks! 

 

How juvenile!  Really, …. Ouch!  Ouch!  It’s not even April Fools’ Day yet!!!

 

Impish shuffle/waddles across the floor trying to avoid as many of the sharp plastic blocks as possible, but now in a distinct race against time and having a very childish accident.  He throws open the door to the little dragon’s room off the main chamber of the bolt-hole and relies on the light streaming in from the other room to light his way.  With a huge smile of relief on his face as his bladder begins to shrink from its painful size he is thankful that he got there in time.  But, his relief is short lived as he feels the warm wetness climb up his legs.

 

What the fuc….

 

It’s then our poor blue dragon realizes he’s been had again.  A third time in less than 3 minutes!

 

Plastic wrap across the urinal‼‼‼‼!  Who DOES THAT!  WHO FRIGGIN’ DOES THAT!!!!!  I’m soaking wet and covered in my own pee!

As he tries to figure out how to get himself dry, he mumbles to himself, So what’s next?  Filling my office full of balloons?  Mayonnaise in my cream filled donuts? As he kept on, grousing and cleaning he failed to notice a couple of things. 

The first thing he failed to notice was the blue light growing brighter in the room behind him and the electronic whine that was quietly rising in volume.

And the second, and possibly more important thing that he failed to notice, though through no real fault of his own, and having no way of even knowing.  For the fact of the matter was that, although he was sure that it was not April Fools’ Day yet, he failed to notice that he was missing more than three days.

[NOTICE: More of a previously written issue has been uncovered and is presented here for your reading pleasure.]

 

Here’s a great article that reminded me of a great old song.

Truck carrying bananas rolls over in Waterbury, closing an I-84 entrance ramp

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The truck was carrying 44,000 pounds of bananas, troopers say. Wreckers and crews with the state Department of Transportation attempted to right the vehicle, but determined it would have to be offloaded first.

The tractor trailer was moved off the highway, but the Chase Parkway entrance ramp remains closed.

Police say the driver sustained minor injuries, and was transported to Waterbury Hospital by ambulance.

Well, did you figure out what song I was reminded of?

One of his “more-famous” songs in it’s original form, the version on Greatest Stories Live, which I’ve already uploaded, contains two alternative endings and a little info on them. The version on the bottom line encore collection contains the fourth, and my favorite, alternate ending, along with the other three, I’ll upload that in a little while.

“It was just after dark when the truck started down
the hill that leads into Scranton Pennsylvania.
Carrying thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Carrying thirty thousand pounds (hit it Big John) of bananas.

He was a young driver,
just out on his second job.
And he was carrying the next day’s pasty fruits
for everyone in that coal-scarred city
where children play without despair
in backyard slag-piles and folks manage to eat each day
about thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes, just about thirty thousand pounds (scream it again, John) .

He passed a sign that he should have seen,
saying “shift to low gear, a fifty dollar fine my friend.”
He was thinking perhaps about the warm-breathed woman
who was waiting at the journey’s end.
He started down the two mile drop,
the curving road that wound from the top of the hill.
He was pushing on through the shortening miles that ran down to the depot.
Just a few more miles to go,
then he’d go home and have her ease his long, cramped day away.
and the smell of thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes the smell of thirty thousand pounds of bananas.

He was picking up speed as the city spread its twinkling lights below him.
But he paid no heed as the shivering thoughts of the nights
delights went through him.
His foot nudged the brakes to slow him down.
But the pedal floored easy without a sound.
He said “Christ!”
It was funny how he had named the only man who could save him now.
He was trapped inside a dead-end hellslide,
riding on his fear-hunched back
was every one of those yellow green
I’m telling you thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes, there were thirty thousand pounds of bananas.

He barely made the sweeping curve that led into the steepest grade.
And he missed the thankful passing bus at ninety miles an hour.
And he said “God, make it a dream!”
as he rode his last ride down.
And he said “God, make it a dream!”
as he rode his last ride down.
And he sideswiped nineteen neat parked cars,
clipped off thirteen telephone poles,
hit two houses, bruised eight trees,
and Blue-Crossed seven people.
it was then he lost his head,
not to mention an arm or two before he stopped.
And he slid for four hundred yards
along the hill that leads into Scranton, Pennsylvania.
All those thirty thousand pounds of bananas.

You know the man who told me about it on the bus,
as it went up the hill out of Scranton, Pennsylvania,
he shrugged his shoulders, he shook his head,
and he said (and this is exactly what he said)
“Boy that sure must’ve been something.
Just imagine thirty thousand pounds of bananas.
Yes, there were thirty thousand pounds of mashed bananas.
Of bananas. Just bananas. Thirty thousand pounds.
of Bananas. not no driver now. Just bananas!” “

And the story behind the song?  I offer it here for your perusal.

On March 18, 1965, a 35-year-old truck driver, Eugene P. Sewsky, was on his way to deliver a load of bananas to Scranton, Pennsylvania.  Sesky, an employee of Fred Carpentier – operator of a small truck line in Scranton – was returning from the boat piers at Weehawken, New Jersey, where he had picked up his load.

The load was destined for the locations in the “wholesale block” on the western edge of Lackawanna Avenue in Scranton – either the local A&P Warehouse or to Halem Hazzouri Bananas, the premier banana seller in the area at the time.  Sesky was driving a 1950s Brockway diesel truck tractor with a 35 foot semi-trailer and was headed down Route 307 when he suddenly lost control.  That section of Route 307 contains a “two-mile” descent extending from Lake Scranton to the bottom of Moosic Street that includes a drop in elevation of more than 500 feet in less than 1.5 miles. Sesky was unable to control the truck’s speed down the hill due to a mechanical failure, variously attributed to the truck’s brake system or its clutch.

As a result, the truck cruised into Scranton at approximately 90 mph, sideswiping a number of cars before it crashed into a house at the southwest corner of Moosic Street and s. Irving Avenue close to the bottom of the hill.  Witnesses reported that Sesky did everything possible to avoid pedestrians and other motorists, including climbing out onto the truck’s running board to try to warn people, and some have suggested that he may have deliberately flipped the truck over to avoid striking either bystanders or an automotive service station on Moosic Street that could have exploded in flames, causing a greater loss of life.  Sesky was thrown from the truck and killed and bananas were spilled and strewn when the rig came to rest; 15 others were injured but only Sesky died.  The road was closed for cleanup as Johnson’s Towing Company helped out in the recovery.  Trucks over 21,000 pounds are no longer allowed to travel that route.

And that’s the story, the whole story and nothing but the story…

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Amen!

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.
 
“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.
 
“Not a chance” she replied.  “He won’t even take an aspirin”.
 
“Not a problem,” said the doctor.  “Give him an Irish Viagra.” “What on Earth is Irish Viagra?” she asked.
 
“It’s Viagra dissolved in his morning cup of coffee.  He won’t even taste it.  Let me know how it goes,” he said.
 
She called the doctor the very next afternoon.  “How did it go?” he asked.
 
“Oh faith, bejaysus and begorrah, doctor, it was terrible.  Just horrid, I tell ya!  I’m beside meself!”
 
“Oh, no!  What in the world happened?”
 
“Well, I did the deed, Doctor, just as you advised.  I put the Viagra in his morning coffee, and he drank it.  Well, you know, it took effect almost immediately, and he jumped straight up out of his chair with a smile on his face, a twinkle in his eye and his pants a-bulging.  Then, with one fierce swoop of his arm, he sent the cups, saucers, and everything else that was on the table flying across the room, ripped me clothes to tatters and passionately took me then and there, right on top of the table.  T’was a nightmare, I tell ya, an absolute nightmare!”
 
“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor.  “Wasn’t the sex good?”
 
“Freakin jaysus, it was the best sex I’ve had in me last 25 years, but sure as I’m sittin’ here, doctor, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

 

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Critter

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This is just an example of the attitude the Ninja Kitties are looking for when they interview kittens.

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Moo

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I laughed so hard at that little bird.  That is EXACTLY what the little guy looks like.

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An elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard, his club fell into the water.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”
 
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the
club to win the tournament to supplement his meager pension.
 
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club.
“Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
 
The golfer replied, “No.”
 
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club. “Is this your club?” the Lord asked.
 
Again, the golfer replied, “No.”
 
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron  club. “Is this your  club?” the Lord asked.
 
The golfer replied, “Yes.”
 
The Lord was pleased with the golfer’s honesty and gave him all three clubs
to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
 
Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard,
and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
 
“Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!”
 
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. “Is this
your woman?” the Lord asked.
 
“Yes,” cried the golfer.
 
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
 
The golfer replied, “Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘no’ to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all three. And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that’s why I said yes to Kate Upton.”
 
And God was pleased.
 
The moral of this story is:  If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!

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I need one of these for my back yard!

Men say that women should come with instructions.
What’s the point?
Have you ever seen a man actually read them?

 

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After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.
As the train rolled out of the station, a woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone.  She started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart. It’s Carol. I’m on the train”.
“Yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting.
No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss.
No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life. Yes, I’m sure, cross my heart!”
She went on and on, still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, “Carol, hang up the phone and come back to bed.”
Carol doesn’t use her cell phone in public any more.
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Politics

4u

4v

4w

4x

Cheers

Dear loyal readers of Dragon Laffs.  I’m afraid that’s all I can do to entertain you.    I’m not sure what to do or where to go from here.  You see, Impish Dragon has been missing since sometime on Wednesday when he received the strange text message on his phone.  All we can do now is hope and pray.

Sincerely,

Terrance Troll

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

April Fools’ Day–Dragon Laffs #1533

April Fool
Campers

Guess what day it is!
GUESS WHAT DAY IT IS!!

HAPPY NEW YEAR! … no wait…

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! … um …

Crap!

It’s April Fools’ Day…and I’m sure I’m screwed.  There is No One better at pranks than Lethal Leprechaun.  NO ONE.

So, my plan is to go into hiding and finish this issue from the safety of … well … let’s just say a fun location that he’ll never find.  In the meantime, let’s take a look at the history of the day.13

The following is from a cool site I found called wonderopolis.org.  Here’s a link, you should check them out!

If you see footage of penguins flying, check your calendar. There’s a good chance it’s April 1! The first day of April each year is celebrated as April Fools’ Day (sometimes called All Fools’ Day).

Although it’s not a legal holiday, April Fools’ Day is celebrated all around the world as a day filled with practical jokes and general silliness. You may want to be a little more cautious or skeptical on April 1, since family members, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and even teachers may try to tickle your funny bone with a practical joke or a hoax of some kind.

So how did this tradition of craziness begin? In truth, it remains a mystery, although there are many theories about how April Fools’ Day got started.

Some believe the first association between April 1 and playing tricks can be found in Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales from 1392. In “The Nun’s Priest’s Tale,” a fox tricks proud rooster Chauntecleer on syn March bigan thritty dayes and two.

Although Chaucer probably meant 32 days after March (May 2), many readers apparently misunderstood the line to mean March 32 — or April 1.

Others believe that April Fools’ Day was the result of a desire to celebrate the turning of the seasons around springtime. In fact, many cultures have historically held such celebrations around the beginning of April.

For example, the ancient Romans had a festival named Hilaria on March 25. The Hindu festival called Holi is held in March and celebrates the arrival of spring.

Still others believe April Fools’ Day got its start because of the adoption of a new calendar in 1582. Many ancient cultures celebrated New Year’s Day around April 1.

In 1582, Pope Gregory XIII ordered the use of a new calendar, known as the Gregorian calendar, which celebrated New Year’s Day on January 1. According to legend, many people refused to recognize the new calendar or simply didn’t know about it. These people continued to celebrate New Year’s Day on April 1.

Eventually, other people began to make fun of these backward “fools” by sending them to look for things that did not exist (called a “fool’s errand”) or tricking them into believing something false.

And there’s more…lots more.  The Link above will take you to the rest of the article.  It’s worth checking out.

But now, it’s time to get to the rest of the issue, so…

Lets laugh

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I can tell you all about high winds.  Living in a cozy little cavern in Northern Indiana the wind blows often and hard.  I recently showed you pictures of where the wind blew over 70 mph and blew down my fence, but this is ridiculous!

This is the third time that The Cape Town Cycle Tour, an annual 68-mile race in South Africa, was cancelled due to extreme weather conditions. Witness the force of nature that brought these bikers to a halt.

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Ginny has been sending me these Health Capsules and some of them are so darned interesting.  This next one for example:

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $20 and a note in his mouth, reading: “10  lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in  the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a   green light, look both ways, then trot across the road to a  bus-stop.

The dog checks the timetable  and sits on the  bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front  and looks at the number, then boards the bus.

The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog  takes in the scenery.

After a while he stands on his back paws to push  the “stop” bell, and then the butcher follows him off.

The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the  step.

He barks repeatedly. No answer.

He goes back down the path, takes a big  run, and  throws himself (Whap!) against the door. He does this again and  again.

No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the  garden, barks repeatedly at a window, jumps off, and waits at the front  door.

Eventually a small guy opens it and starts cursing  and shouting at the dog.

The butcher runs up screams at the guy: “What the  hell are you doing? This dog’s a genius!”

The owner responds, “Genius, my arse. It’s the  second time this week he’s forgotten his  key!”

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Dragons

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This is a very rare picture of Impish Dragon’s cousin, Foolish.  Foolish Dragon is difficult to find, hence the rarity of this picture.  He’s difficult to find because he doesn’t spend his time in the usual dragon fashion.  Instead, Foolish spends most of his time pecking for seed in the yard since he truly believes he’s a chicken.

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Hey Wheats, buddy, this one’s for you!

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Back to School!  The party time celebrated by parents for many years.

Fantasy

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I have the weirdest damn relatives.  I swear to goodness.  My red brother, dressed in his Halloween Costume. 

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So, it’s been a tough week for me hiding out from Lethal, but still trying to get things done.  I’m halfway through the week…today is Wednesday, and I’m getting ready to go into complete lock down before Saturday.  I’m headed down to the executive dining room for lunch and you guys carry on with the issue.  I love this ap that Lethal put on my phone, I can order food and have it ready for me when I get there..

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Damn Culinary Department and their item count and weight limits…the food ordering process has become such a pain in the butt.  How am I going to order enough food to get me through the weekend unless I some how hack the system?  And if I do that, then Lethal may know that I’m planning something.

Here’s a story from a teacher about a little girl who tells her class about the birth of her brother.

I’ve been teaching now for about fifteen years.  I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.  She holds up a snapshot of an infant. “This is Luke, my baby brother, and I’m going to tell you about his birthday.  First, Mommy and Daddy made him as a symbol of their love, and then Daddy put a seed in my mother’s stomach, and Luke grew in there.  He ate for 9 months through and umbrella cord.” She’s standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I’m trying not to laugh and wishing I had a video camera rolling.  The kids are watching her in amazement.

“Then, about two Saturdays ago, my mother starts going, ‘Oh, oh, oh!” Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. “She walked around the house for, like an hour, ‘Oh, oh, oh!”  Now the kid is doing this hysterical duck-walk, holding her back and groaning.  “My Father called the middle wife.  She delivers babies, but she doesn’t have a sign on the car like the Domino’s man.  They got my mother to lay down on the bed like this.”  Erica lies down with her back against the wall.  “And then, pop!  My mother had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!”

The kid has her legs spread and with her little hands is miming water flowing away.  It was too much!

“Then the middle wife starts going ‘push, push, push’ and ‘breathe, breathe’. They start counting, but they never even got past 10.  Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother.  He was covered in yucky stuff they said was from the play-center, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there.”

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.  I’m sure I applauded the loudest.  Ever since then, if it’s show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder – just in case another ‘Middle Wife’ come along.

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What the hell is this?  I’m not supposed to get unknown phone calls!  Lethal fixed all that up for me!

Impish here. If you’re a telemarketer please, know that I will actively hunt you down flush the BS out of you with a fire hose then flame broil you alive before eating you.

Yeah, you better hang up!

Download?  What download?

What the hell is this, now?

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Ummm, Campers, something is going on.  Probably something that has to do with Lethal.  I’ll catch up with you later. There are things that I have….

[NOTICE: Under protocols originally set up by the owner of this blog, any article in the queue will auto-publish on the next Saturday at 1:45 a.m. which is fifteen minutes earlier than the normal program time when certain perimeters have been reached.  This article has reached those perimeters and has been posted under these protocols and with the following, preprogrammed message.]  

Impish Dragon here – if you are receiving this message than something has happened to me in either my human form/life or my dragon (mythical) one.  There have been so many enemies over the years that I hesitate to speculate as to who may be behind my demise in the mythical world.  If it ends up being a problem in my human world, then, well….it’s been fun and I love you all.  Either way, contact Lethal Leprechaun.  He is the only person who I have no doubt forever has my back, my best interest, and my safety in the forefront of his mind.  I trust him implicitly and know that, no matter what, he would NEVER compromise me. 

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Leprechaun Laughs # 387 for Wednesday 3/29/2017

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Good Morn Folks!

While there is a good deal of jocularity in todays issue I’d like to be upfront and warn you that there is an equal amount of material of a serious nature as well.

We have a Memorial tribute to another famous (possibly infamous depending on your point of view) but arguably influential person from the entertainment industry that has passed on.

The Leprechaun Talks Tech feature returns with an important caution for those of you with Apple phones and Facebook which could cause you to innocently run afoul of your local constabulary.

The Big Brother feature also makes a return shedding some new light on something sneaky the FBI has been attempting with good success to strip you of yet more of your privacy.

I offer a serious and simple solution to the Transgender Bathroom Liberal Lunacy, abet in my usual humorous way.

My soapbox comes out for a ‘It’s Not About Left or Right, It’s About Right or Wrong’ concerning a Veteran’s issue that should have all American’s crying foul and up in arms.

Finally on a happy note (who doesn’t like happy endings?) there is the beginning of a story regarding a humorous Adventure happening as wee speak to our pal and resident danger magnet Impish Dragon which will continue in Saturday’s DragonLaffs.

So as you can see you’ll be quite busy with all this to read, so grab a fresh cuppa and lets get to it shall we?

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To Quote ‘The Great One’, Jackie Gleason, “How sweet it is!”

Seriously, I got to give major thought to locating my own personal version of the June Taylor Dancers to serve me coffee.

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Well Okay, that plus Irish Whiskey, Bailey’s, Harp’s, Bass Ale, Smithwicks       and Guinness

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Impish and I seem to often imbibe from this bottle while writing issues. It never really seems to help but it makes the writers block less painful and deadlines less oppressive so we’ve got that going for us which is nice.

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Once again, for the good of our society and country,  I have wrestled with a liberal created bullshit issue designed to undermine our values and come up with a simple solution. All I really needed to do was ask myself ‘WWTDD?’,    (What Would The Duke Do?) after that the answer was perfectly simple and clear to me-

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In Memoral Stone

Chuck Barris, TV game show creator and host, dies at 87

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Chuck Barris, the “dangerous mind” behind game shows including “The Newlywed Game” and “The Gong Show,” died Tuesday, March 21, 2017, according to multiple news sources. He was 87.

Born June 3, 1929, in Philadelphia, Barris was married three times: to Lyn Levy, Robin Altman, and Mary Rudolph. He was preceded in death by his daughter, Della Barris, in 1998.

Barris was the King of Schlock TV, the creator of a genre of titillating TV shows that some say is the direct ancestor of today’s tell-all reality shows. That’s a judgment usually accompanied by hand-wringing. Barris’ TV creations were lambasted as the lowest-common-denominator viewing of the 1960s and ’70s, bringing down the country’s collective IQ by several points. Barris would argue, however, that his shows were harmless and positive: They were fun, simple, and eminently watchable.

After graduating from Drexel University in his home city in 1953, he was accepted into a management training program at NBC in 1955. But, he told The Philadelphia Inquirer in 2003, the department he was placed in — daytime sales — was eliminated, and he found himself trying, unsuccessfully, to sell the devices then known as TelePrompTers.

During the payola scandals of the 1950s, he was hired to keep a young ABC star, Dick Clark, of “American Bandstand,” out of trouble. (“He sat around doing nothing all day but drawing on a pad of paper,” Mr. Clark told The Inquirer.) By 1959 he was ABC’s director of West Coast daytime programming.

But he wanted to make his own shows, and in 1965 he came up with “The Dating Game,” in which a bachelorette or bachelor would choose a date from among three unseen members of the opposite sex after asking them questions.

“The Dating Game” took a simple concept and turned it into a long-running TV institution. Created by Barris but hosted by a variety of others, most notably Jim Lange in the show’s initial run, it saw three bachelors vying for the hand of one bachelorette. She decided among them by asking them questions about how they would woo her on a date. Once she chose a winner, they’d be sent on a destination date in a faraway city, paid for by the show. The twist: The bachelorette couldn’t see the bachelors while she questioned them and had to make her decision based on their answers and voices alone.

The twist jump-started Barris’ career and the careers of several others as well. One of the legacies of “The Dating Game” was the leg up it gave to a number of young actors and actresses who appeared as contestants before they became famous. They include John Ritter, Farrah Fawcett, and Casey Kasem.

He followed that the next year with “The Newlywed Game,” another question-and-answer show that put just-married couples’ compatibility to the test. Both shows stayed on the air into the mid-1970s and spawned assorted sequels (“The All-New Dating Game” and “The New Newlywed Game”).

The success of “The Dating Game” opened the door for other romance-based game shows in a trend that culminated in more recent ratings-grabbers such as “The Bachelor” and “Who Wants To Marry a Millionaire?” For Barris, the obvious next step after setting up couples on dates was to feature young marrieds, in his next hit game show: “The Newlywed Game,” in 1966. Like “The Dating Game,” it was hosted by others, with Bob Eubanks taking the reins for years. Its premise: Ask a newly married couple questions about their lives together and see just how similar – or uproariously different – their answers would be.

Some questions had the contestants remembering romantic moments, like, “Where was your first kiss?” Others tested a husband’s memory: “What did your wife wear on your first date?”

Risqué answers were often encouraged, especially by the questions about “making whoopee,” the show’s frequently used euphemism. Barris loved the way the show’s simple premise brought never-ending hilarity: “In my opinion, the best game-show format ever was ‘The Newlywed Game’ because it’s so simple: It’s just four couples, eight questions, and a refrigerator or washing machine. That’s it. You’re done, and it worked.”

Indeed, it did work: “The Newlywed Game” became one of the longest-running game shows in TV history, with an original run of eight and one-half years, followed quickly by a syndicated run and a number of revivals in the decades that followed.  It was still popular when, in 1976, Barris took on hosting duties in his next – and most notoriously strange – TV creation.

“The Gong Show” was a talent show gone off the rails, a deliberately awful collection of the truly talented, the sincere-but-dreadful, and the just plain strange. Originally slated as host, John Barbour was yanked before the first episode when he realized the show would be a parody rather than a genuine talent show and tried to change Barris’ mind about the angle. Barris didn’t want to change his mind, so he stepped in as host at the last minute, and his quirky persona proved the perfect final touch needed to elevate “The Gong Show” to legendary status.

On “The Gong Show,” contestants sang, danced, and otherwise tried to entertain, usually with a bizarre twist: Two competent singers squeezed into one outfit of clothes; a dentist played “The Stars and Stripes Forever” on his drill; an Elvis impersonator sang “Hound Dog” in a droning monotone. And those were the fairly normal acts. Things often got weird on “The Gong Show,” encouraged by Barris’ enthusiastic introductions. If an act were bad, the celebrity judges – a rotating panel of three that included 1970s notables like Jamie Farr, Phyllis Diller, and Jaye P. Morgan – would rush to hit a gong, signaling the act’s end.

If it was good, or at least goofy enough to appeal to the judges, it didn’t get gonged, and the contestant might be the day’s winner of a check for $516.32 (the going day rate for Screen Actors Guild members at the time) and a trophy.

Pulling it all together was Barris, whose discomfort with being onstage manifested in a series of tics that audiences grew to love – he’d punctuate his sentences with claps, point at the camera, dance while watching an act perform. He pushed the envelope with risqué acts, which contributed to the show’s cancellation in 1978 (though it ran in syndication for another two years and was revived later for a reboot). After the program’s cancellation, Barris tried to keep up the show’s momentum with “The Gong Show Movie” in 1980, but reviews were dismal; it quickly dropped out of sight.

The show, which ran on NBC until 1978 and then in syndication (with revivals in later years), became a cultural sensation. Critics complained about its crassness and cruelty, but Mr. Barris, like purveyors of burlesque and circus sideshows in earlier generations, knew there was a large audience for lowbrow. At one point the daytime version was attracting 78 percent of viewers 18 to 49.

“In my opinion, a good game show review is the kiss of death,” Mr. Barris said in a Salon interview in 2001. “If for some strange reason the critic liked it, the public won’t. A really bad review means the show will be on for years.”

The ghost of “The Gong Show” is evident in numerous reality-television shows of more recent vintage — the early rounds of any given season of “American Idol,” for instance.

Other shows created by Barris include 1973’s “The New Treasure Hunt,” 1967’s “How’s Your Mother-in-Law?” and, in 1979, the contentious “Three’s a Crowd,” which pitted a man’s wife against his secretary to see who could answer more questions about his life, preferences, and proclivities. The latter show, which was seen as deeply problematic, was denounced by major groups including United Auto Workers and the National Organization for Women. A hostile backlash followed, with “Three’s a Crowd” being pulled from the air after just a few months and the rest of Barris’ creations also suffering in its wake. The ratings of his programs plummeted, including “The Gong Show,” and his various shows still in syndication came to abrupt ends.

Mr. Barris always bristled at the “King of Schlock” label that was hung on him as far back as “The Dating Game.” In a 2003 interview with Newsweek, he noted that shows much like the ones he created were by the 21st century being received differently.

“Today these shows are accepted,” he said. “These shows aren’t seen as lowering any bars.”

Barris also had a career in music, primarily as a songwriter, though he also recorded. His greatest songwriting success was the 1962 hit “Palisades Park,” which Freddy Cannon recorded. The tune reached No. 3 on the Billboard chart.  Decades later, in 2007, Mr. Cannon, a Massachusetts native, wanted to rework the song into a rally ditty for his favorite baseball team, the Boston Red Sox. But, he told The Boston Globe, he received a complaint from Mr. Barris, a Yankee fan, and so “Down at Fenway Park” ended up being a Cannon original rather than a repurposed Barris.

By the end of the 1970s, thanks to “The Gong Show,” Mr. Barris’s television production company was busy and profitable, but he was itchy to try something else. What he tried, disastrously, was “The Gong Show Movie,” which he directed and, with Robert Downey Sr., wrote. It was released in May 1980 and flopped.

Mr. Barris gradually withdrew from television, selling his holdings, spending most of his time in France and turning to writing. He had already written one book, “You and Me, Babe” (1974), a novel about a television producer whose marriage failed; it drew heavily on his own rocky marriage to Lyn Levy, a niece of the powerful CBS chief William S. Paley, in the 1950s. They were divorced in 1976.

That first book sold well, but it was the next one that would give Mr. Barris yet another burst of notoriety: “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” (1984), a supposed autobiography in which he claimed that while traveling in his role as a television producer in the 1960s he was also an assassin for the C.I.A.

The book got only a smattering of attention, but it caught some eyes in Hollywood, and in 2003, after many delays, a film version came out, directed by George Clooney and starring Sam Rockwell as Mr. Barris. (Charlie Kaufman wrote the screenplay, embellishing Mr. Barris’s tale.)

The film brought Mr. Barris, by now in his 70s, a fresh round of publicity and endless variations on the obvious question: Was it true? Mr. Barris generally played coy, delivering elliptical answers that neither confirmed nor denied. The C.I.A. was more direct: Various spokesmen said Mr. Barris had had nothing to do with the agency.

In later years Mr. Barris continued to write books, among them the comic novels “The Big Question” (2007), about an outlandish game show where the stakes are literally life or death, and “Who Killed Art Deco?” (2009), about the murder of a wealthy young man.

In 2010 he turned to a much more serious subject with “Della: A Memoir of My Daughter,” telling the story of his only child — from his marriage to Ms. Levy — who as a girl sometimes turned up on “The Gong Show.” She died of a drug overdose in 1998, at 36.

Mr. Barris’s second marriage, to Robin Altman, ended in divorce in 1999. He is survived by his wife, Mary Kane.

Which of his several careers was his favorite? In 2007, during an appearance at the Book Passage bookstore in Corte Madera, Calif., he dealt with the question.

“When you go to that great game show in the sky,” he asked himself, “would you rather be known as an author or as a TV game show producer?”

“That’s the easiest question of all,” he responded. “I would love to be known as an author, but I don’t think it’s written that that’s the way it’s going to be. I think on my tombstone it’s just going to say, ‘Gonged at last,’ and I’m stuck with that.”

[assembled from multiple news feed sources]

 

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Whatever you do, don’t say THIS to Siri!

“Is your refrigerator running?……You better go catch it!” That has to be one of the oldest (and corniest) prank phone call lines of all time.

With the popularity of caller ID, prank phone calls have become few and far between. But pranksters are still finding ways to use phone technology to fool unsuspecting victims.

How pranksters are tricking iPhone users

Some pranksters are trying to trick iPhone users into saying certain phrases that will cause SIRI to call emergency services. It’s making the rounds on social media right now. Here’s an example:

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In India, the phone number to emergency services is 108. However, saying 108 to SIRI in the U.S. will also trigger her to dial 911. That’s because SIRI recognizes 108 as an emergency call and converts it to the local emergency services number.

The Sioux Falls Police Department recently pointed this out on Twitter:

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For some reason, jokers think it’s funny to have people unwittingly dial emergency services. Some are even going so far as to tell people to say 108 and then close your eyes for 5 seconds. That way the victim of the prank won’t see the message on the screen that says “Calling emergency services in 5 seconds.”

Other numbers will trigger calls to emergency services as well. For example, 911, 000, 110 and 112. Obviously, don’t say any of these numbers to SIRI, unless of course you actually need to contact 911.

Not only are these types of prank calls a drain on 911 services, you could get into serious trouble with the police. Life was much simpler when pranksters were just calling to ask if you had Prince Albert in a can.

[Taken from KimKommando.com]

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One-Pot Mac ‘n’ Cheese

This one-pot wonder has humble beginnings: just milk and dry macaroni. As the pasta cooks, the starch released helps thicken the milk, creating a perfect base for a sauce. The cheeses and seasonings are stirred in at the very end for the perfect finish.

Ingredients

  • 4 cups whole milk
  • 3/4 pound elbow macaroni (about 3 cups)
  • 8 ounces mild Cheddar, shredded (about 3 cups)
  • 3 ounces part-skim mozzarella, shredded (about 1 cup)
  • 2 ounces cream cheese, cut into small pieces
  • 2 tablespoons unsalted butter, cut into small pieces
  • 1 teaspoon Dijon mustard
  • Large pinch cayenne pepper
  • Large pinch freshly grated nutmeg
  • Kosher salt

Directions

Put the milk and macaroni in a medium saucepan. Bring the milk to a boil over medium heat, stirring frequently to keep the macaroni from clumping, then cook, stirring frequently, until the macaroni is tender and the milk has thickened to the consistency of heavy cream, 4 to 5 minutes. Remove the saucepan from the heat, add the Cheddar, mozzarella, cream cheese, butter, mustard, cayenne, nutmeg and 1 1/2 teaspoons salt, and stir until smooth, thick and creamy. Serve hot. (The dish will thicken as it cools; thin it out with a little hot water if desired.)

Cook’s Note

Be sure to buy blocks of cheese and shred it yourself. The preshredded cheese that comes in bags is often tossed with starchy cellulose, (to keep it from clumping up in the bag) which can give this mac ‘n’ cheese a clumpy texture.

For easiest & best results place the cheese in the freezer for about 15 minutes before shredding and place a light coat of oil on your box grater by wiping with an oiled paper towel to keep down the ‘cheese drag’

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I had a wee…’wardrobe malfunction’ the other day, abrupt failure of the interlocking slide fastener (zipper to you non military/geeks) on me jeans which resulted in the damage shown here. I was arrested for concealing a friendly weapon and got a stiff dressing down from the female judge on the couch in her chambers. I’ve already made restitution for the damages to the city, but apparently the several female oriented businesses in the area don’t want it repaired do to the uptick in their business as women come round for a wee gander at the damage I caused.

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Here is a rare picture of Impish doing his Dragon thing. He has to be careful so that too many mundanes (a.k.a. ‘Muggles’) don’t become aware of him but you know our Big Blue, he likes to give to the community and support local Emergency Services where and when he can. Here he’s seen assisting in starting a controlled burn to help prevent wild fires &/or direct/control them if they do manage to get started. Sorry he’s obscured by all the smoke but isn’t his breath impressive?

Meet the designer cats with wild blood

 

Splish Splash

How a Texas Girl packs

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Impish was on his way to the executive lunch room. He was engrossed in reviewing his lunch order and weighing the merits of possibly replacing several items on it. Ever since the Culinary Department had seen fit to impose an item count and weight limit on his meals the ordering process had become quite vexing he thought to himself.

His debate was momentarily interrupted and his menu list was replaced with an Incoming call screen. Impish idly noticed whom ever it was, the caller ID was displaying the legend ‘Unknown’. This was a bit unusual since Lethal had showed him an application that automatically blocked Telemarketers and Robo-calling devices.

“Impish here. If you’re a telemarketer please, know that I will actively hunt you down flush the BS out of you with a fire hose then flame broil you alive before eating you.” he groused into the phone. His phone made a strange electronic noise, the call went dead and his screen once again returned to his menu, only to be replaced by the message:  DOWNLOAD COMPLETED before switching views again to the following:

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Impish immediately detours at a quick waddle to the executive cargo lift dragon elevator and once inside waves his phone near the control panel. Several additional buttons illuminate and Impish repeatedly jabs the one marked ‘Dragon Safe Room’. Once the cargo lift dragon elevator started moving, he hastily called security.

“No name? Impish. Listen I need a couple of your biggest meanest guards for temporary bodyguard duty until Lethal can assess a new threat to me. Have them come to my personal safe room under HQ.  Oh! Tell them to bring as many of those space blanket reflective shiny survival thingies as they can find and duct tape. Bring lots of Duct tape too.”

As soon as he has No Names assurance he was being taken seriously and his requests would receive immediate attention he hangs up intent on dialing his pal, best buddy, brother in arms and paranoia as well as the most vicious lawyer he knew (who was fortunately his lawyer as well) Lethal Leprechaun.

However before he can do this the cargo lift executive dragon elevator arrived at its destination the doors opening to a short dark hallway. Impish steps out before he notices there was a figure in front of the heavy vault like door which to Impish’s horror now stands wide open w/o his bio scans to unlock and open it. Emitting a very high and girlish sounding squeak he attempts to back peddle into the cargo lift dragon elevator, only to find the doors had already closed behind him and the lift had moved off, no doubt to bring his protection and requested supplies to him which would apparently arrive too late to do him any good.

Seeing no recourse and no way out Impish began inhaling deeply in preparation to turn the short passage way into a Draconian version of hell on earth with his fiery breath. About 1/2 way through his inhalation he heard a voice call out from the figure at the end of the corridor.

“OY! Impish! I told you the last time you bloody well accidently panic flamed me it was the last time for that nonsense. Do you not remember what I threatened would happen the next time? Better yet I’m guessing, mind ye just guessing, your in this full fledged panic o’ yours cause you’ve run afoul of something or someone that’s Bigger, Badder, Meaner or More Powerful than you. Possibly even  a combination of a multiple number o’ those things. Now enough with your silliness, get your great bloody arse in here so we can close the door just as soon as what ever requests you’ve made o’ No Name arrive.”

That voice Impish recognized at once as the voice of his friend, mentor, protector, lawyer, business manager, partner in shady and quasi legal enterprises and the Corporation’s Chief Shenanigator, Lethal Leprechaun.

“Boy am I glad to see you Lethal! I’m in big big trouble with your…HEY! How’d you beat me here?” Impish asked immediately suspicious and paranoid that Lethal might feel familially obligated to help his cousin Marvin.

“I’ll nae be telling you how I beat you here. I’d have to bill you for the consultation and then kill you as non Grand Master Leprechauns are forbidden from the knowing o’ our secret traveling methods aside from the Fae Portal System.

As to how did I know to do what I did ta beat you here, when you pushed that button ta come down here an alert was automatically directed to me. No Name also had be patched into your call towards the end when he thought you might be unreasoningly hysterical.” Lethal calmly responded.

Impish shoved his still in hand phone at Lethal saying ‘’Get a load of this! I don’t even know how he did got it on my phone. I got maybe a 5 second hang up call then this popped up on my screen and I haven’t even had lunch as yet!” moaned Impish as he dashed inside the safe room to the door controls as the cargo lift Dragon Elevator doors opened.

Two huge trolls in ill fitting security uniforms trotted out each with a large box under one arm. A mess steward followed right behind with a catering table on wheels loaded down with an assortment of sandwich platters and condiments.

Once the door was closed and the two trolls from security were busily engaged in making a giant shiny Mylar poncho and hood for Impish to wear, under the theory it might reflect Martian tractor beams and keep him from being beamed up to the mother ship Impish grabbed an entire platter of sandwiches before asking Lethal, “So?”

Though out all this Lethal had been engrossed in Impish’s phone. Lethal sighed tossed it back to Impish and said- “Short version? You’re screwed.” before taking a large bite our of a Pastrami & Swiss on Rye which Impish didn’t remember seeing or smelling on the cart.

“Is the long version any better? More optimistic? Mention any loopholes? Sage words of advice to help me? Give me something here Lethal! I’m freaking desperate! I’m going to be beamed away against my will, painfully probed and then probably dumped someplace unconscious in the middle of a giant crop circle and those Men In Black will get their hands on me again! YOU”VE GOT TO HELP ME!” Impish pleaded.

“The long version goes like this-

Hide. Don’t go outside, don’t go near windows, doors or skylights anyplace above ground. I don’t know if your shiny reflective poncho idea will work but its worth a shot. Still I wouldn’t put myself in any position where that was 100% of your protection.

He gets you aboard his saucer and you’re a write off. Sorry but that’s the bottom line. Earth has no more shuttles, one in six of the private rockets that get launched to supply the ISS explode on the pad or before they leave the atmosphere. Honestly that’s all academic since we lack the resources or trained crew required to send a rescue mission after you to Mars. I’ll see that your Will is up to date and if the kidnapping clause of your Key Man Insurance covers kidnapping  by Extraterrestrials and let you know.” Lethal returned his attention to his sandwich

“Dude that’s not only harsh it’s cold- stone cold. Doesn’t our friendship mean anything to you?”

“Of course it does! If it didn’t I’d be as far away from you right now as possible thinking of my own safety and survival.”

“I know! I can hide out in Leprechonia! He can’t find me there right? Come on buddy, old pal you’ve got to grant me asylum, and I don’t mean the Hokey Pokey kind like you always threaten me with.”

“Sorry sport no can do. I have a responsibility to everyone that lives there to keep them as safe as possible. I can’t jeopardize that for a single person, not even my best friend and most lucrative client.” Lethal responded sounding genuinely sad.

“THIS IS SO UNFAIR! WHAT DID I EVER DO TO HIM?”

“You pretty much called him a lair by saying he was ‘pretending’ to be a Martian.  A lot of people take serious offense to that sort of thing.”

“But he’s a Leprechaun! He just lives on Mars, that doesn’t make him a Martian!”

“Let me ask you a couple questions.  Indulge me for a moment by answering them just as fast as you can even if the line of questions doesn’t make sense to you ok?

Impish puts down the 2 sandwiches he was eating simultaneously (what? he eats when he’s up set and he was really upset right now), straightened up in his chair and fixed as much of his attention as the still laden catering table would allow for on his friend and nodded his accent.

“What do you call some one from Great Britain?”

“Umm..British?”

“Good. Ireland?”

“Uh Irish.”

“Faster. Maine?”

“Mainer!”

“Texas?”

“Texan.”

“North or South Carolina.”

“Carolinian.”

“Mars!”

“Martian!… OH SHIT! I did. I did diss him! Oh crap! What do I do now?”

“Well from where I sit you’ve got between now and your next issue’s deadline to draft a sincere heartfelt retraction and apology, but I’m not sure even that is going to be enough to placate him.

See Marvin was always interested in tinkering, inventing and high tech stuff, He’s like the Great Grand Geek, compared to him I’m a minor nerd at best. This would have been cool but he didn’t do it for what the Leprechaun High Council felt was the right reasons, namely to amass wealth and/or power. Marvin’s only concerns were making enough to fund his next project, to keep his lab outfitted with the latest and greatest gizmos and gadgets, himself dressed and his larder half way decently stocked.

The Leprechaun Council was prepared to name him unfit to handle his own affairs and assign someone to do it when I stepped up and tried to help him out. I offered to be his business/financial manager and manage/grow his assets for him. Unfortunately he flew into a rage telling me in front of the council representative I was as bad as them. That I didn’t understand he didn’t give a wit for gold- beyond what funding his next project would cost. That he never wanted to be rich or powerful, but just left alone to tinker and invent. HIS grand plan was to one day invent something which made money irrelevant and its acquisition totally unnecessary.

Well you can just imagine how that report played before the high council! Marvin was declared insane and a threat to the Leprechaun way of life and beliefs. I managed to warn him, helping him to obtain what he needed to move his lab and go into hiding. Suddenly several years later out of the green,  I get a message from him, much in the same manner you did- totally untraceable. In my case it was on me cable box when I came home one night and turned on the telly to see the stock market closings.

Much later, he finally confided in me during one of his rare visits that he’d found a way to move to Mars. Of course I thought he was yanking me chain at first, but then he took me to see his saucer and for what he claimed was a ‘slow ride’ around the moon and back in under 3 hours time. I was convinced he was telling the truth.

In the last couple o’ decades Marvin has been growing irate with the those we charge with exploring space as they’re starting to encroach on his planet. First the flybys with exploration satellites, then the orbital ones. after that came the landers and the rovers. Now there is talk of a manned mission to Mars. Marvin has sent them communications all, telling them they’re not wanted and to stay away. That Mars belongs to the Martians and Terrain’s are not welcome on Mars. Everyone apparently thinks him the crack pot and just ignores him. So he already was pretty well chivvied off at Earth and its people before you denied him his Martian citizenship publically in a public blog post. On top of that you, unintentionally and while not meaning to,  gave him a single more or less accessible target to fixate and vent his anger on- YOU.”

“SHIT LETHAL! What can I do?”

“Like I said, hide. Wear your Mylar reflective poncho, congrats on that by the way that really was quick and inspired thinking on your part. But (sliding a pad with pen clipped to it into the dragon’s lap) I’d start drafting that apology and a plea for merciful understanding and leniency that would make Daniel Webster himself stand up with tears in his eyes and call out ‘Bravo! Bravo! Author! Author!’ and get it done for your next issue.”

You SURE there’s no other options?

“I can think of two, you can flee back to Draconia and tell Queen Titamat that you honked off  the first contact with the first extraterrestrial life form that Dragons have ever met and ask her to hide you.

Or you can try and make serious nice nice with the Dwarves. I’m talking major capital outlay atonement for all the shit you’ve put them through or done to them over the years in hope of being granted permanent asylum on Stonehold in exchange for powering the Master Smith’s forge the rest of your life.”

“I’ll get started on the rough draft right away! Would you look it over please?”

“Be happy to offer you my legal opinion, at my usual rates of course. Now if you’ll excuse me I didn’t have you scheduled for a major personal disaster today and I’m afraid I’ve taken more time than I should have with you already.”

“Sorry buddy and thanks for your help. Any last sage words of wisdom for me?

“As a matter o’ fact yes. When you feel the cold nose of the probe back there , resist the urge to clench up tight, T’will only make it hurt more or so wimmen folk have told me.  In fact you might try to think of it as a free Colo-rectal cancer screening instead of an Alien Anal Probing.

Luck ta ya Impish me boy-o, I’ve a feelin’ you’re going to be needing it afore this is done.”

Lethal walks over to a door opens it, looking back over his shoulder he winks at Impish, somewhat mischievously, giving him the thumbs up then enters shutting it firmly behind him.

“Umm…Lethal? That’s a broom closet not an exit dude.”

When he gets no reply and Lethal fails to re-emerge from the closet Impish gets up, goes over, stands in front of the door a moment then knocks on it. Getting no answer, he opens it slightly, peering in as if afraid of what he’s going to find. What he finds is…nothing. There is no leprechaun in the closet no matter how he searches.

He has the trolls rip the broom closet apart looking for secret passages or hidden lifts but they find nothing. Now totally spooked, he has the trolls put everything back, screw the door shut and stuff a chair under the door knob then screw the chair to the floor.

Mean time, Lethal has returned to his office via his hidden personal elevator. Quietly entering his office he sees his door is still closed. a quick check of the hidden cameras in his outer office show his personal assistant Friday and her staff are still at lunch.

Lethal opens a small drawer on his desk, takes out his cigar humidor case, inserts the key off his pocket watch chain and twists the key 3 times in one direction them once in the other. A small secret compartment on the bottom opens and Lethal extracts what appears to be some sort of folded stand. Unfolding it carefully he places his personal phone on the device and waits until the screen turns color to black with a head and crossed bones, Marvin’s personal flag. Lethal taps the side of his nose twice then uses a small Bluetooth keyboard and types a two short lines: He’s hooked good and proper. Proceed with phase two.’  As soon as the response ‘Acknowledged. This will be the most fun I’ve had in 3 decades. Thanks for your help.’ appears Lethal refolds the strange stand and re-hides it securely smiling all the while.

BigBrothera2

FBI’s facial recognition database has half of all U.S. adults on file

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Where do you stand on the issue of national security versus privacy? It’s been in the news a lot lately. Now, the FBI’s facial recognition program is making headlines.

How the FBI’s facial recognition program works

Facial recognition has been part of the FBI’s Next Generation Identification program for years. It’s a biometric method of identifying someone by comparing live capture or digital image data with the stored record of that person, typically used for security purposes.

This week, congress held a hearing putting the FBI program under the microscope. It came under a fierce bi-partisan attack from politicians on both sides of the aisle. They said using facial recognition software violates Americans’ privacy and leads to the arrests of innocent people.

It turns out that over 400 million pictures of Americans’ faces are stored in local, state and federal law enforcement databases. It’s estimated that half of all adults in the U.S. are in the databases.

An FBI official said at the hearing, “The only information the FBI has and has collected in our database are criminal mug shot photos.” However, that doesn’t include databases held by local and state law enforcement agencies. Those include images from driver’s licenses, mug shots, passports, security videos and visas.

The FBI has agreements with 18 U.S. states that give it access to all of these databases. The agency is working on getting access to all state databases.

Utah Representative Jason Chaffetz said, “Like many technologies, used in the wrong hands or without appropriate parameters, it is ripe for abuse. It would be one thing if facial recognition technology were perfect or near perfect, but it clearly is not. Facial recognition technology does make mistakes.”

Internal FBI documents prove Chaffetz’s remarks. They revealed that the FBI’s system has an acceptable margin of error of 20 percent. Meaning there is a one out of five chance of identifying the suspect incorrectly.

Tennessee Representative John Duncan said at the hearing, “I think we’re reaching a very sad point, a very dangerous point when we’re doing away with the reasonable expectation of privacy about anything.”

Privacy advocates are concerned about the growing database of images too. The main worry is that normal, everyday citizens like you and me will get caught up in the system and be grouped in with criminals, which could lead to some unfortunate events for many people.

An ACLU spokesperson said in a statement, “Face recognition is a relatively new technology and it’s important that not only the FBI but the public be aware of its limitations. Errors mean random people could be falsely identified as potential criminals and find themselves coming under the FBI’s powerful investigatory microscope. That could be not only invading people’s privacy but also exposing them to accusations of wrongdoing.”

What do you think, are these databases necessary for national security?

You know what is really interesting to me? It’s ‘OK’ for the FBI to identify us all (thanks to the paranoid we’re going to stop their communization of the US liberals) but we can’t move to a unified National Identity Card or require proof of identification at voting places!

Critter Cam 3

Today we’re featuring Clan Mistress SC. Some of you have asked what SC stands for. I don’t know I asked her one time and she showed me 10 very sharp claws and proceeded to sharpen them on a very expensive cedar cigar humidor while taking umbrage at my asking. I never dared to ask again.

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Apparently from what I was haughtily informed, this is what the planning session for a Midnight Ninja Kitty Caper. This particular nights capper involved a stealth attack on the storage area for the Kitty Treats including the successful removal and transportation to another location where the spoils were divvied up with her accomplice Chai of a 1/2 empty bag of treats.

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Here is is on what she assures me is her rightful place in the house, my lazy boy, which sees more of her butt than it ever does mine!

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This is ‘Chilly Willy’, her Second in Command of the Ninja Kitty Training facility in Leprechonia I was forced err…that is convinced to open. He’s known for being a ‘second story man’, as you can see he has zero fear of heights and hates to have his naps interrupted.

Dear Cats & Dogs:

When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The
other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help
because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry
about this.  Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to
ensure your comfort. Cats and dogs actually curl up in a ball when
they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that
sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other
end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.  If
by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it
is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get
your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit
through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom
for years–canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other cat or dog’s
butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the    
furniture. (That’s why they call it “fur”niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter
who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Dogs and cats are easier  than kids…they eat less, don’t ask for
money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called,
never drive your car, don’t hang out with drug-using friends, don’t
smoke or drink, don’t worry about having to buy the latest fashions,
don’t wear your clothes, and don’t need a gazillion dollars for
college–and,you get them spayed and or neutered and if and accident
happens and they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

The author of this missive was found in a shallow grave in her backyard in a flower bed. Both her dog and 2 cats profess no knowledge of how she came to be found there.

Angry American Right or Wrong

I suppose that sign should possibly read ‘Angry Veteran’ as opposed to ‘Angry American’ but see we Veteran’s just accept and deal with this travesty.

I’m going to try not to get too worked up over this as Impish nearly stroked out over it and I seriously don’t want him getting worked up over it again. You need to understand when a Dragon stroke out, well its sort of like a mini super nova event. Remember that earlier photo of him helping with the controlled burn? Yeah he was in a happy mood that day. Now, just picture that with an unhappy angry dragon who suddenly found himself stroking out. His stroke out would likely incinerate all of the tiny town of Peru ,Indiana and half a Air Force Reserve base where they store considerable quantities of aviation fuel which is insanely flammable!

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Ginny of the weak knees sent in this question and while it may seem self-serving to Impish and I due to our personal interests, regardless it is still a damned fine question!

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Damned fine question Ginny!

I would make one point though, this issue isn’t one being raised by Vets, it’s being raised by the people. The fact that Vets simply take this stoically in stride is another testament to their love of this country and what it stands for, despite the never ending screwing they get post service by those 100% retirement politicians who make such noises about ‘American Heroes’.

Wouldn’t it be nice if all that ‘Support Our Troops’ sentiment that they butter the populace with extended to financial support so that families of those deployed were not on Food Stamps and retired career Vet’s were paid a fair pension? I’m sure most of you retirees know that the public sector, State and Municipal pensions are all one HELL of a lot better than the military offers. Isn’t it about time that stopped?

Thats ALl Folks

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