Dragon Laffs #2017

And it’s Thursday, the Gateway to the weekend.  One more day of work and then the weekend is here!  I’d say I can hardly wait, but … I really can.  Wait that is.  I have no plans and I think I need some.  Sometimes the weekends are the hardest.  But, for now, I guess it’s just you and me.  So, let’s put some laughter down, shall we?

Just a gentle reminder that not every day “has to count”.  Some days are about just making it to the next one.  That counts, too.

The fitness trainer asked me, “What kind of squat are you accustomed to doing?” 

I said, “Diddly.”

We live in a world where your kid cannot pretend to be an Indian.  But a grown man can pretend to be a woman.

Best friends forever.

I just got a full tank of gas for $22.  Granted, it was for my lawn mower, but I am trying to stay positive here.

I’ve always wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words.

Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could swoop out of the sky and snatch your dinner from a lake.

Pest Extermination is one of the more difficult professions at Dragon Laffs, Inc.

I’ve never related more to a news story than the lost hiker who didn’t pick up for rescuers because it was an unknown number.

I completely empathize with this pooch!

I can’t believe it either.

They say, “Don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

The number of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.

The truth behind the sinking of the Titanic.

Musicians are just therapists that you can party with.

Me:  Can I drink alcohol on this medication? 

Doctor:  Well, one drink is gonna feel like you’ve had 4 … 

Me:  Oh, so I’m saving money!!

One who points out your flaws is not necessarily your enemy; the one who always compliments you is not necessarily your friend.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actress…

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, “How many wives can a man have?” 

His friend answered, “Sixteen…four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”

Mom:  If a stranger came up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up.” What would you say? 

Kid:  I’d say, “You’re lying.  My mom has no friends.” 

Mom:  Not where I was going, but OK.

Helen Waite is in charge of our complaint department.  If you have a complaint you can go to Helen Waite!

And that’s it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

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Dragon Laffs #2016

Well, I spent the day teaching today … and … I ended up doing something to my damn hip.  Screwed it up bad.  To the point that I can barely walk.  The problem is that I’m not sure how the hell I did it.  No twisting, no falling, no hurting…it just sort of started.  And it got worse and worse until I could barely walk.  Now, it is hurting the heck out of me…and it sucks! 

So, naturally, what we need to do is laugh. 

As hard and as long as we can. 

We laugh so we don’t have to cry.

Girls should stop saying “All men are the same”.  No one asked you to try them all.

Today I tried non-alcoholic beer…

it was like watching porn on the radio.

The next person who walks out of my life, I’m going with them. 

I’m sick of my shit, too.

Makes perfect sense…

Even best friends don’t see eye-to-eye all the time.

We need to see THAT sign in the window of more stores.

LUV THE IRISH 🍀

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Elderly Irish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the old cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

The old Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

The old Irish cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

The old cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The od cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?”

It is a beautiful frame.

Let’s do some of this…

kris72663

6 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2013

I’m a big proponent of antidepressants. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you need help. Nobody is saying you have to stay on them forever. There are newer meds out there – much better than Prozac. The meds will help you get over the hump. Think about it.

Thanks Kris, as I think I mentioned, as of your reading of this I’ve been on the new meds for almost a week now.  I haven’t noticed any improvement, but I guess I’m not supposed to for a couple more weeks yet.  So … good fun.  I’ll let you guys know how it’s going.

Hippogal

3 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2014

Hang in there, Dragon.
Love and respect from Australia. ❤

Thanks Hippogal.  Another Aussie heard from!  I truly appreciate the encouraging words.  Cheers!

Leah D.

3 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2014

DIY WARNING!
Had to buy a new water heater, which my husband has done many times over the years, hauled it home and installed it.
I told him he is too old, so this time, have them deliver and put in. They said $900 for heater, $700 for install.
$3,099.00 later, we learned the codes had changed over the years he did it himself, now we had to put in bigger vent pipes, more earthquake straps, and other things I couldn’t understand.
I’m back in hot water . . . with the bank this time!

Oh Dear Leah, it’s always something exciting with you!  I’m sorry it went such an expensive route and I really can’t think of a silver lining except that now it’s done.  Be well dear friend.

Boy, that’s true, enough!

John S. sent me this really humorous article that he found on MSN titled: 

Massachusetts Man Convicted For Backyard Helicopter Operation

With traffic congestion a real problem, people can get pretty creative so they don’t have to sit on crowded roadways. Lest you think buying a helicopter and flying it out of your backyard is a good solution, learn from the mistakes of a man in East Brookfield, Massachusetts who got caught doing just that. Now he’s paying the price for not following federal aviation rules.  

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.msn.com/en-us/travel/news/massachusetts-man-convicted-for-backyard-helicopter-operation/ar-AAW6Jxj?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=836cc6e4ee4a418a969fd0be990b9d45

Now THAT is a friggin’ KITE!!

Charlie’s Angels ain’t got shit on Impish’s Dragonettes!

Someone said, “30 years ago”, and my mind went “Ah yes!  The 1970’s”, but they meant 1992, and now I need to lie down.

I want to thank my parents for not letting me pick my gender while I was still eating Crayons, Glue, and Dog Food.

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor Nightclub was not a bouncer.

Yup, that’s me!

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…

You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence!

Ladies, don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open.  Be a strong, confident woman, walk over and zip it up for him.

Guaranteed you are going to get some unusual looks…at a minimum!

Not a fucking chance in hell…

Coke Zero is fine, but I’d really like to see Double Chocolate Milkshake with Extra Whipped Cream and Rainbow Sprinkles Zero.

That’s it for today.  God Bless you all.  Love and Happiness your way.

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Dragon Laffs #2015

It’s Saturday, and I’m working again.  But, I only have one class today and I’m only working on Saturday.  So I SHOULD be able to get a Monday issue out this weekend, but this is Saturday’s issue we’re dealing with, so let’s talk about Saturday type stuff.  And that means anything from Wednesday (when I finished the last issue) till Saturday (when I anticipate this issue will be read). 

So, right now, as I’m writing this, it’s Thursday, late afternoon.  I got off work a little bit early, so I thought I’d throw an hour at this before I have to go to my LEPC meeting tonight.  So, for those of you who don’t know, LEPC is Local Emergency Planning Committee.  It is a county organization that I am required, by Department of the Air Force Regulation, to be a part of.  And actually, because of where our base sits, we belong to three different county LEPCs.  And because there is me, my deputy, and my assistant deputy, each of us takes a different county.  I take the county the base actually sits in, which I consider to be the “main” county.  My deputy takes the county that is the “biggest” county in the area (which is why we also belong to that county) and the assistant deputy takes the county that we also sit a tiny portion in (one far end of the runway sits in another county) and is the third in line as he is in seniority.  BUT, he has the highest aspirations and has a declared goal of having my job in 3 years time.  Which, is a pretty good goal seeing as how I don’t retire until 3 1/2 to 4 years from now. 

And I approved his goal on his personal progress plan…

Which surprised the hell out of him…

And I told him I would do what I could to help him achieve his goal. 

So, that was a lot more information than you needed to know.  Anyway, there’s lots to go over today.  Including some mail, so let’s get started, shall we?

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a Grande Iced Mocha, No Foam, Quad, Soy, Hexagon, Vortex, Hypothesis, with Steamed Ice.”

I used to LOVE that show!!!!

STOP TAKING FACEBOOK SO SERIOUSLY!  MOST OF YOUR LIKES ARE COMING FROM PEOPLE ON THE TOILET!

I literally have over 75% of these STILL, I think I have owned ALL of these at some point in my life and one of these, was the very first album that I ever bought for myself with my own money!  Any guesses as to which one it was?  Anyone? 

Go ahead…

Take a guess…

Okay…

I’ll tell you…

The answer is…

The very first album…

That I ever bought…

For myself…

With my very own money…

On my own…

Was…

As HUGE a fan of the Moody Blues as I am it wasn’t them!…

It was…

Deep Purple: Machine Head with not only Smoke on the Water, but what I think is one of the most fantastic Side B songs of all times…Lazy.

Welcome to my misaligned youth.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they aren’t a robot.

Another bring your pet to work pic.  I’ll leave it up to you to figure out which is the pet and which is the employee.

I miss the old-time movie stars.  You know, the ones who wore clothes and had talent.

Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age
 group.  Especially those of us over 65. 

A friend had his 4th dose of the vaccine – the “booster” at a CVS Pharmacy, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. 

When he did get home, he immediately called the pharmacy for advice about seeing a doctor, or to be hospitalized. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but to immediately return to the pharmacy and pick up his glasses.

Our locker room area is a little different than most others, too.

It’s too bad that even at our age, we’re not mature enough to meet for “A” drink, because it will somehow turn into 7 drinks, 5 shots, 3 bottles of wine, and a 2-day hangover.

And you say that like it’s a bad thing…

Just What The Fuck?

Man, they took his horde and everything!!!

Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. 

It’s YOUR day. 

Ruin it yourself.

This damn woman in the gas station just ignored the no pet sign and brought that camel toe in anyway…

There must be one hell of an explanation behind this sign…I know I sure have questions…

“Lemon Pickers Needed”, read the ad in the newspaper.  

 Ms. Sally Mulligan of Clearwater Beach, Florida, saw it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

 She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

 She has a liberal arts degree from Texas Tech, and a master’s degree from the University of Tennessee.

 For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.  

 The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, “I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. “However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, once for Hillary and most recently for Biden.”  

 She started work yesterday.

I can’t wait for warm summer nights, outside on the patio. 

*326 mosquitos liked your post*

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the damn THERMOSTAT?

And that’s it for today my friends.  We’ll see what happens over the weekend.  Love and happiness to you all.

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Dragon Laffs #2014

Okay, so I was out mowing the lawn, and as I usually do, I listen to music.  Usually loud, and with the headphones set so that they blank out the background noise so I don’t hear the sound of the mower.  Anyway, one of Mary’s songs came on and I started singing along and crying … which, you can imagine, is a really bad combination on the back of a power mower.  It was Melissa Etheridge, Like the Way I do.  A real power ballad.  Well, I was crying so hard that I couldn’t see where I was going and … well … I hit the house.  Thankfully, it was on the brick part, with the tires so no damage, but I guess the thud was loud enough that Izzy was startled enough inside and the dogs were going nuts.  She came outside to find me crying on the back of the lawnmower … not my best look. LOL!  We both sat out there and laughed for about 5 minutes.  She went in to calm down the dogs and I finished mowing the lawn without further incident. 

Mary … this one is for you!

Just when you think that food can NOT possibly call you on the phone, BOOM!
Onion rings.

Let’s do a real quick one of these PSA’s.  I found this on one of the Air Force Emergency Management Boards that I belong to and found it quite informative.

I found this really cool lightning background, set the timer on my cell phone and propped it up on a chair and then jumped up in the air when the timer went off to get this picture.  Actually, I had to try seven times before I got THIS picture.  (I didn’t keep the other six)  Looks cool, right?

So, now these next batch of pictures are all from the same source, as you’ll be able to tell from the first picture — and they’re all from Stephanie.

Now…wasn’t that a twisted collection of …fish?  Whatever they were.  LOL!  Thanks Steph!

Another “Pet Day” picture.  Here’s Harold, with his pet Lisa.

If a child can work a tablet, phone, or game they can work a broom, mop, and dishes!

So…Sasquatch and I started an email conversation that worked its way around to redheads, and, well…I’ll let you join the conversation with that knowledge

Sasquatch:  Trouble seems to be a guiding light sometimes…or is it just cute redheads?  Maybe one and the same.

Impish:  In my experience, cute redheads are ALWAYS trouble.

Sasquatch:  Well, they say well behaved women rarely make history.  My history with redheads does indicate that they are memorable.

Impish:  Yup, mine have been…historic as well.

And then Sasquatch sent along these 3 Memes…

Yeah, that’s pretty much been my experience…

Never been with a blonde for very long, but they’ve been … fun, brunettes have screwed me over twice, but the third time was definitely the charm, (maybe ’cause there was a bit of redhead in there) and the couple of redheads in my life have scared hell out of me.

I do that now.

Tesla is truly smart technology!!

I bought a new Tesla!! It’ll run on an electrical charge. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated. “Nelson,” the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

“Willie” he continued and “On The Road Again” flowed from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away so happy and for the next few days every time I’d say, “Beethoven” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles” I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new Tesla, but luckily, I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, “Crazy Bitch”!

The radio replied, “Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, AOC, or Pelosi?”

God, I love this car!

Okay, that’s disgusting!

So, is that too much TP? 

And how about some mail…or comments real quick?

Leah D

8 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2011

When I sent three of my family the Spuddle definition, my brother came back with: “I’m in a muddled spuddle every day at my hovel” I have seen coaches in a a muddled spuddle in a huddle . . . there for awhile, it looked as if that also was the Russian forces!

Good word usage and good sentence structure.  B+

Cynical John

5 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2012

Hang in there, Impish. We need you!

Thanks Cynical John, I’m trying my best, brother.  I get to finally see my counselor tomorrow, while you guys are reading this and I did get to talk to my doctor and get put on some antidepressants, I’ll let you know how that works out.

Wouter Basson

4 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2012

Regards

Wouter

Centurion, Gauteng, South Africa

Thanks Wouter from Centurion, Gauteng, South Africa.  That is way cool!  Man, we have readers from all over the friggin’ WORLD!!!!! Ain’t that sumpin’!  Regards right back atcha!

Leah D

4 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2012

What do I always say . . . .? “There is good in all things.”
Yesterday, my husband re-lit the water heater, but it was leaking so bad, it just put it out.
The good? Hey, I am not in hot water!

Why do I feel like there should be a rimshot meme after that last one?

 

Sasquatch

2 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2013

I find most hunters tend to disappear when in response they hear banjo music music. 😄 On a more serious note, is the blonde with the spray tan available? Not sure how she can balance on such small feet but I’m willing to work with her.

Will make inquires regarding blonde.  And yes, hunters and banjo music do seem to have bad history. 

And that does it for the mail for today.  

A couple of more weird rooms thanks to Stephanie.

So, I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put on some music?” 

I said, “No, not at all.”

He said, “Kiss?” 

I replied, “Let’s just start with the music and see how we feel after that.”

I don’t know if I could take a dump in what I imagine is supposed to be Donald Duck’s mouth…

Feelin’ awful hampsterish…

Yesterday I completed a chore I’ve been putting off for 4 months. 

It took me 20 minutes. 

I will learn nothing from this.

And to add insult to injury, it looks like he’s talking on his phone!

Why?  Just, Why?

And THAT seems like the perfect END to today’s issue.  Thanks again for all your help and input to today’s edition of Dragon Laffs.  I couldn’t have done it without you.  Love and happiness to you all.

 

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Dragon Laffs #2013

Well, it’s been another weekend.  Yup.  Another long weekend.  It has been brought to my attention that I should be on antidepressants.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I know I’m depressed.  Fuck, everybody knows that I’m depressed.  The fucking mailman probably knows I’m depressed.  But, I’m not sure how I feel about taking a pill for depression …

What the fuck is wrong with me? 

I was on Prozac once for a couple of years and I don’t think it did anything.  So, that’s probably why I’m not sure how I feel about going on antidepressants now. 

But, since everybody seems to be pointing me in that direction, I guess it can’t hurt to try.  I wrote my doctor an email asking her to prescribe.  Not sure what she will do, but I don’t have an appointment with her until July, which I think is too long, but with my surgery coming in June and everything else going on, I’m not sure what she’s going to want to do.

So, I do know what we are going to do in the mean time…

Nothing starts my day off quite like when I give inspirational messages to my friends. 

May your day go fast, your socks match and your underwear not ride up your butt.

Thank you Carol for posting this.  It helps a lot!

You may think that you are completely insignificant in this world.  But someone drinks coffee from the favorite cup that you gave them.  Someone heard a song on the radio that reminded them of you.  Someone read the book that you recommended, and plunged headfirst into it.  Someone smiled after a hard day of work, because they remembered the joke that you told them today.  Someone loves themselves little bit more, because you gave them a compliment.  Never think that you have no influence whatsoever.  Your touch, word and good deed which you leave behind cannot be erased.

Okay, so it’s an old one, but it’s a good one…

Cop:  So, I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.  

Me:  You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I had a Goldfish that could break dance on the carpet.

But only for like 20 seconds.

And only once.

Babysitting used to be such an easy gig…

COMMON SENSE is like deodorant.  The people who need it most never use it.

Imagine being rich enough that you don’t have to watch YouTube videos every time something in your house breaks.

Not sure if I would have beaten the kid or bragged on him…

We once had this special day at Dragon Laffs, Inc. called bring your favorite pet to work day.  It got a little out of hand.  Here are the Murphy Twins with their pet human, Cheryl.  Needless to say, this caused all kinds of problems with HR.

I’m writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life. 

It’s an oughtobiography.

(Took us a while, but I knew we’d get one.)

That one was actually subtle and funny and as hell.

Another deep one

Why do Bigfoot hunters try to lure him with a mating call?  Do they have a game plan for if a huge hairy beast comes barreling out of the woods, full tilt towards them, with a raging hard-on?  And what’s plan B?  Claim they now have a headache? 

All good questions…Hey, brother Sasquatch, any input here?

Some girls don’t like to walk in the rain because it changes their face back to factory settings.

There’s nothing scarier than the split scond where you lose our balance in the shower and think “Oh God, they’re going to find me naked.”

Well, haven’t gotten much for this section, but here’s a couple…

I should probably save this next one for Mother’s Day, but I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be celebrating Mother’s Day this year and doing my best to keep Izzy Dragon’s mind on something else…just like I completely forgot in Dragon Laffs that yesterday was Easter.  Don’t worry, Izzy and I had a nice little Easter on our own, but it wasn’t the same, and it hurt.  It hurt a lot.  I know that I didn’t let her see how much it hurt me and she didn’t let me see how much it hurt her, but I’m pretty sure it hurt us both.  Anyway, like I said, this next one … Mother’s Day … etc.

And how about a new topic for a few issues.  Thanks to Stephanie for sending these our way…

In the old west, they would mount a lantern on their horse for traveling at night.  This was the first form of saddle light navigation.

Yeah, that’s not going to go over well. 

And that’s it for today my friends.  I want to thank everyone who have sent kind comments and emails supporting me, again…still.  It is deeply appreciated and helpful.  I’m not sure if it’s getting easier, it doesn’t feel like it is, but each day rolls around after the last one and I keep waking up in the morning with determination.  So, that’s something I suppose.  Thank you to all of you.  My love to you all.

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