Dragon Laffs #2072

Well, it’s Saturday, and it’s already been an interesting weekend.  Went to Men’s Breakfast at church this morning, came home and my coffee maker had died, so Izzy and I are going out tomorrow to get a new one, thankfully, it didn’t die before I got mine this morning, just before Izzy could get hers.  Then I mowed the lawn, and I have been housework ever since…and what weekend is this?

That’s right!  It’s Labor Day!  So!  When do Dragons get time off?  Oh, I’m just bitchin’ to bitch.  I’m actually having the time of my life.  I’m trying to get my first Grief Group on base ready for Wednesday.  I’m not sure whether or not I’m going to make it or not.  It’s driving me crazy, causing me to lose sleep, I still have to get a notice ready to go out in the email for the base and a couple of other things… sigh. 

Plus, did I tell you that I have a tree down in the backyard?  Well, not really in my backyard, it’s actually through my fence and mostly in the neighbor’s backyard.  I got a bunch of the dart family coming over on Monday to take care of that.  I’ll try to remember to take pictures for you guys.  So yeah, THEY will be doing Labor on Labor Day.

Isn’t that the way it’s supposed to work?  It’s not?  No Labor on Labor Day?  Well, Hell!  How about Laffs on Labor Day, can we do that?  We can?  Okay then…

At middle age, the growth of hair on a woman’s legs slows down, which gives her plenty of time to care for her newly acquired mustache!

Thanks to Jean for this last one…It was sent in by a circular route.

We all have that funny voice we  use when talking to dogs, babies, and … idiots.

I don’t understand, but I also don’t care, so it works out.

A random baby picture of me.

I think we can conclude that the “Time Out” generation didn’t produce as good of results as the “Ass Whooping” generation.

Breaking someone’s trust is like crumpling up a perfect piece of paper.

You can smooth it over, but it’s never going to be the same again.

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try.

My goldfish died.

“Heeeerreee Orcy” said in a very sing songy voice.  “Come and get your reward.”

I can look directly at someone,
nod when they’re talking,
maybe even throw in a “yeah,”
and still not hear a single word they said…

I finally found a diet plan that really works.  It’s called “The Price of Food.”

You never know how strong you are until your power steering goes out.

We live in a world where your kid cannot pretend to be an Indian.  But a grown man can pretend to be a woman.

Courage is knowing it might hurt, and doing it anyway. 

Stupidity is the same.

And that’s why life is hard.

This is a letter that was sent to me by fellow camper John S.  I went on line and found it and I am reprinting it here because I think it’s important for everyone to read.  Please take a minute.

Subject: Bunker Boys letter to Brittney Griner
Letter to Brittney Griner
Ms, Miss, Mrs Griner is a famous female basketball player who, in the past, has
disrespected our anthem, flag and country. She is now behind bars in Russia,
charged with drug smuggling, for which she pleaded guilty. She is now screaming
that America’s umbrella of goodness should intercede on her behalf by begging the
USA embassy in Moscow to use any method of pressure to gain her release. It’s
funny that woke liberals who get into trouble overseas never cry out to the
countries that they admire to help them with their problems! The letter below
should also be sent to NBA, NFL, MLB, and others that make their living playing a
game and also disrespect our nation, its symbols, traditions, and our venerable
veterans.
————————————————————————————————–
Dear Ms. Griner,
We hope that this letter finds you in good health, and we understand you are having
some rough times in your life. We are a group of old Vietnam Combat Veterans from
North Carolina. Our average age is around seventy years old. We call ourselves “The
Bunker Boys.” We spent a lot of time living in rat and snake-infested holes in the ground
known as bunkers. When we were not in the bunkers, we were crawling through the
jungle being shot at and shooting back at little people wearing black pajamas. We must
be honest and tell you that the only thing we may have in common with you, is that we,
too, were drafted.
We noticed you were drafted number one in the WNBA draft a few years ago. Since we
were all drafted, we thought we might let you know what it was like when we were
drafted. Unlike you, most of us had no college. The people of the United States drafted
us. We consisted of all colors, religions and personal beliefs. We had no choice of which
team we played for: Army, Navy, Air Force or Marines. We were sent halfway around
the world to fight and kill people we didn’t know in a place we had never heard of. We
were paid (we know you can relate to this) $3.00 a day and required to work 24 hours a
day if needed. When we returned home, many or most of us were treated very badly by
our fellow Americans. We were spit on and hit by bottles and rocks as the police stood
by and watched. We did not complain, we just continued on in life and made the best of
it. We fought for God, family, country and, of course, the Flag and the National Anthem .
. . a poem that was written by, of all people, a lawyer. He wrote the poem as he watched
bombs fall on and kill fellow Americans. Ever since that night, our nation has played that
little poem before millions of social functions. For some people it’s just a little song. For
a Veteran it is a reminder of how many men and women of all colors have given their
lives, so the rest can have the right to be free.
We found in our research that you requested the National Anthem not to be played at
sporting events. We find it odd that now you are requesting the citizens of the United
States to pay for your release from a jail in Russia. Yes, we the taxpayers are paying for
all of those diplomats working on your release. Our government told you, and all fellow
Americans in Russia, to leave Russia after the invasion of the Ukraine. You play
basketball in a country that is known to treat Americans badly. You fly a great deal and
must know, by now, all of the rules about what one can bring into a country. All of us
that travel know the rules for entering a foreign country. You are a guest and must go by
the rules of the land. By your own admission, you were attempting to bring an illegal
substance into a country that is known for its long prison sentences. You had to know
this because you are making a million dollars a year to play a game and hold a college
degree. At six feet nine inches tall, you know that security officers are going to focus on
you from the moment you stand in the boarding pass line.
We also noticed that you are now saying you placed the drugs in your luggage by
accident. Please! That is something that an 18 year old would say. We also found out
that your net worth is somewhere around $5 million bucks for playing a game. For old
guys like us, living on a fixed income, that’s a lot of money for just playing a game. Don’t
get us wrong; we are not against you. We all went and fought, so all Americans can
have the freedom to make their own choices. We just hope that the next time you have
to endure the playing of that little poem, that you will pay close attention to the “land of
the free” part.
Wishing you the very best,
The Bunker Boys
Semper Fi

Thank you very much John.  It amazes me the people who don’t hesitate to shit on our flag and our anthem and our country and yet come running back to it when they are in trouble.  You REALLY want to know what it means to be an American?  Really and truly?  Ask a vet.  Someone who’s actually put a little blood and sweat into this country.  And thank you Bunker Boys, you’ve got the Impish Dragon coveted “DAMN!  I wish I had written that!” Award.  Bless you brothers.

This next one is from Leah H and I wouldn’t have expected it from anyone else.  Thanks Leah.

This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60’s in the UK.

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night.

When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband’s wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man’s satisfaction is more important than a woman’s. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had.

Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

I laughed so hard through this…I can only imagine what my Mary~Mae would have said about this.  Thanks for sharing Leah.  

I may not have been my mother’s favorite child, but I was the first one she thought of whenever the police turned up.

I’m not sure if I was my mom’s favorite or not, but it was probably a tie between me and my next youngest brother as to which one she would have thought of first when the police came round.  But, truth be told, we were pretty much inseparable as kids.

Paddy buys an Automatic BMW X5 sport.

He drives the car perfectly well during the day, but at night it just won’t go.

He tries driving the car at night for a week but no joy.

Really angry he calls the BMW dealers and they send out a technician to him.

He asks, “Paddy, are you sure you are using the right gears?”

Angry paddy replies, “Of course, I’m not that feckin stupid, I use D for the Day and N for the Night…”

That’s it.  But, before we go, our list of heroes is growing larger!  Here’s our Labor Day List of Heroes!!!

We are up to 18 Heroes.  There is still time for you to join the club by buying me a cup of coffee.  Not going to explain that one again, because it’s getting late and I have people coming over early tomorrow to cut up a tree.  May God Bless all of your lives (Heroes or not) and may your days be filled with Happiness and Love.

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Dragon Laffs #2071 (For real this time…)

Well, that was interesting.  Can’t seem to hit the right key.  Gotta be careful.  So, let’s see if I can prep this whole issue (or, what did Trish G. call it?  Hang on, I got a snail mail from Trish G. today and she used a really good term … digest!)  So, let’s see if I can prep this whole digest without doing something stupid and having to start over again!  

Anyway…my Grandson made me very proud today.  His birthday is next week and I popped his birthday card in the mail this morning.  Something Mrs. Dragon used to insure got taken care of every time, so I am quite proud of myself that I’ve kept up.  But, when I got on Facebook this morning to check on the dart schedule I noticed that Hayden had put out a request for his birthday.  My grandson, who is only turning 17, has taken up a cause.  And it’s not a stupid, snowflake cause, either.  It’s one that is very dear to me.  

Veteran Suicide is so much higher than the civilian population.   In this day and age of bullshit causes, “Save the Red Nostril Hummingbird” (Collect the Whole Set) to see this young man choose such an important charity made me proud of him. 

And so Izzy Dragon told me that Facebook offers you to start fund raisers when it gets close to your birthday as an automatic thing, but the list of charities that you can choose from is huge.  So, it’s not like Hayden may have chased this down on his own, but he did choose a very important charity, so Grandpa is still very proud of this.  And if you guys want to help out Hayden like I did here’s a link to his charity: https://www.facebook.com/donate/3299298117058629/3299298140391960/

And with that, we’ll move on to the laughter portion of today’s digest, so why don’t we get to the …

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…

I really need to wash some cups.

I’m pretty sure my dream job would be Karma Delivery Person.

Every relationship needs boundaries…

…Mine are set at 500 feet, according to the paperwork.

Sure, something we can all run out and pick up.

I read books, I smoke (cigars), I drink wine (and coffee) and I know things. (And I may have used this one before, lol)

Which is why you could stand behind your open car door and be somewhat protected from incoming gun fire.  You can’t do that anymore.  The car doors nowadays won’t even slow a bullet down.

If you’re single, just have patience. 

Your soulmate is almost done with those divorce papers.

You know you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

I’ve never had to do that…but according to Mrs. Dragon, she had to do that as a kid quite often.  

You can’t give away a used mattress, but somehow we’ll pay three hundred bucks a night to sleep on one at a hotel.

I’m not really sure what this is…so…

“Yeah!  Let’s get his ass!”

From Stephanie: 

My ex-mother-in-law was Polish and they shortened the name Satanski to Americanize it. My ex MIL was literally Satan. They pronounced it Say-tan.

Stephanie, that explains SO MUCH.  I should also add, that she sent that along with this picture…

So, the story just wasn’t out of the blue, it did make sense.

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to  tell him the truth.  “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”

Little Tony said, “Oh, okay,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.  It’s called Bunk Beds.  And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.”

Izzy Dragon sent this to me and asked me if I would eat this?  I thought…maybe.  Then she said, how about this one…

ummm…. probably not.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

If you don’t get it, you had a crappy education.

Stephanie wrote to me and told me that her sister got 6 days in Facebook jail for posting the following image…which you’ve seen before here in DL.

What is untrue about that statement?  Cooking and chemistry are completely the same thing!  Reactions of (normally) an exothermic input on an organic substance.  Anything from frying an egg to toasting bread to grilling a steak.  How is that fake news?  It just goes to show what we all, already know…the Facebook Fact Checkers are MORONS!

My darling Mrs. Dragon and much of her family are deeply into Genealogy, so I recently texted this to my dear sis-in-law, who wrote back to me “Assorted Crackers AND Mixed Nuts”  and I think she is still laughing over this…I think Mrs. Dragon is too.

Today I will live in the moment. 

Unless the moment becomes unpleasant, in which case I’ll take a nap.

If all the world’s a stage, someone in casting needs to be fired!

Chinese third graders are learning multi-variable calculus.  Our third graders are being taught that “men can have babies.” 
This will not end well.

After last night’s pathetic speech, set to a dark red background, where he called half of the nation evil semi-fascists and alienated us, I’d say he doesn’t work for ANYBODY but himself!  HE NEEDS TO BE IMPEACHED!! 

I love this!!

Our entire universe is probably in a tiny glass jar somewhere, placed on a shelf in an alien child’s room as a science fair project that got a C-. 

“Life is a Highway”

“I Obviously Took a Dirt Road”

So, a female employee got an expensive pen as a birthday gift from her boss.  She sent him a “Thank you note” by email. 

The Boss’s wife read the email and filed for divorce.

The email said:  Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night.  It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke.  I loved its perfect size and grip.  Felt like I was in heaven when using it.  Thanks a lot.!

Moral:  A “space” is an essential part of English grammar!

Saving the best for last, here’s today’s list of Dragon Laffs Heroes!

Thank you, thank you, thank you to each and every one of you who have contributed towards the bills to keep this experiment in humorous rebellion going for another year.  Your generosity is deeply appreciated!  …. now, if you all could just take back your donations and add to zeroes to the end of them, then I could retire and do this full time and life would be OUTSTANDING!!!!!!

You guys know I’m just kidding.  I love you all and your current level of generosity is overwhelming.  Maybe someday I’ll be able to retire and do this full-time.  At any rate, it’s time to put this one to bed.  Love and happiness to you all.  Until Monday.

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OOPS!

So, we’ll call it a preview of tomorrow’s header.  That’s what happens when you hit the wrong button.  I hit publish instead of save and couldn’t call it back.  Oh well.  There’s a preview of Saturday’s header.  More to come tomorrow.  

 

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Dragon Laffs #2071

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Dragon Laffs #2070

I learned something today…well, truth be told, I already knew this, but it was reinforced to me today.  Happiness is important.  In fact, spreading happiness to other people is probably one of the most important things you can do in life.  Now, I’m not saying just making people laugh, although that’s important, too.  But, sometimes, it’s so easy to bring happiness to other people.  Holding a door for someone, helping someone carry in their groceries, buying beer mugs for your guys in the office as a thank you for their hard work, being that someone on the other end of the phone when they need to talk…and letting them talk while you actually listen.

And sometimes, making people laugh is just enough for the day…because that’s why we’re here, right?  So, let’s see what we can do about putting some smiles on some faces.

And I’m sorry to say this is going to be a short issue.  I’ve completely run out of time.  I have one hour to put together as much of an issue as I can manage, then I have to go pick up Izzy Dragon from work and go to bed.  My humblest apologies, but I will make it up to you guys on Saturday, so right now, I will make one fast plea for donations to Dragon Laffs.  Remember, you can hit the donation button at the upper right hand corner of the web site or you can write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will send you my snail mail address or you can go through your bank and go directly to my bank by using Zelle and my email address of rem.wydock@sbcglobal.net.

Okay, that’s it, now..

God created man and woman.

 

Democrats created all the other genders.

I wish my wallet came with free refills.

Amen!

Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?  Do strangers call to pay my bills?  And if they do why don’t you let them?

“Okay, it’s time to go to sleep.  Now, Once upon a time, there was a little dragon who …”

There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny.

I got most of them.

Batman:  [buys Catwoman a drink]

Catwoman:  [slowly pushes drink off the table]

Yeah, I got nuthin’ because I’m in a hurry, but it’s a cool picture.

I’ve decided drinking isn’t the answer to my problems.  However, I’m not a quitter so I’m going to give it another chance.

I’M A

WOODEN SPOON

LEAD PAINT

NO CAR SEAT

NO SEAT BELT

NO BIKE HELMET

BED OF PICKUP RIDING

GARDEN HOSE DRINKING

SURVIVOR

Five Facts About Reading:

Fact 1:  Reading can make you a better conversationalist. 

Fact 2:  Neighbors will never complain that your book is too loud. 

Fact 3:  Knowledge by osmosis has not yet been perfected.  You’d better read. 

Fact 4:  Books have stopped bullets — reading might save your life. 

Fact 5:  Dinosaurs didn’t read.  Look what happened to them.

I was in Florida and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, “I miss Detroit”.

So I broke the window, stole the radio and left a note that read, “I hope this helps.”

Now THAT’S a GREAT Dad!!!

That’s it, I came close.  But, I gotta fly.  Love and Happiness to you all.  Until next time.

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