Okay, so I’ve worked all weekend, and now I’ve worked all week.  I usually try to get a day or so off after working the weekend, but this week I can’t do it.  Too much to do and I’m the only one left in the office.  My assistant deputy is deployed and my deputy is TDY to Japan by way of Wake Island!  And I am so jealous!!  I wanted to go with him so badly!  What a GREAT TDY that is going to be.

Not to mention it’s the one part of the world I’ve never been to.  The Pacific.  I’ve been all over Europe, but never made it to the far east. 

So, it’s just me, at work, being jealous.

So, let’s go ahead and get started with the laughter, otherwise we’re just gonna sit here and be upset because WE’RE NOT GOING TO JAPAN!!!

Oh come on!  That one is so easy!  Don’t we all know what that one is?

Weeee Whoooooo!!!!!!!!

Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste time on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it’s like saying you extend life of a car by driving faster. Want to live longer? – Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that means they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. – Bottoms up!

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…very good!

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How can getting more vegetable be bad?

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around.

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! ‘Round’ is also a shape!

Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

Finally, the Japanese Doctor summed up: Look mister, Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Beer in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride my life was”!!!!!
Eat whatever you like because you will still DIE, don’t allow motivational speakers deceive you.

1. The inventor of the treadmill died at the age of 54.

2. The inventor of gymnastics died at the age of 57.

3. The world bodybuilding champion died at the age of 41.

4. The best footballer in the world Maradona died at the age of 60.

BUT

5. The KFC inventor died at 94.

6. Inventor of Nutella brand died at the age of 88.

7. Imagine, cigarette maker Winston died at the age of 102.

8. The inventor of opium died at the age of 116 in an earthquake.

9. Hennessey Cognac inventor died at 98.

How did these doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life?

The rabbit is always jumping up and down but it lives for only 2 years and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all, lives 400 years.

So, take some rest, Chill, stay cool, eat, drink and enjoy your life.

Okay, I’m sure you ALL have heard of the Chinese spy balloon that has flown over the country and the absolute mess that the government has made of that, right?  So, let’s throw a couple of balloon memes out there while we can still laugh about it and before we complain about how completely asinine it was that we didn’t shoot it down when we should have and instead we let it transmit all of it’s information back to China about all of our military bases. 
Biden is a Chinese Spy.
But here are some memes to make us laugh about it.

Little Johnny and his friend were always boasting of their parents’ achievements to each other.

Friend: ‘Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?’

Little Johnny: ‘Yes, I have’

Friend: ‘Well, my father dug it.’

Little Johnny: ‘That’s nothing, have you ever heard of the Dead Sea?’

Friend: ‘Yes, I have.’

Little Johnny: ‘Well, my father killed it.

I hate when Doctors asks questions like, “Are you sexually active?”  Depends on what you mean by “active”.  There are plenty of “active” volcanoes that haven’t gone off in over 50 years.

And some of our guardians use lightning

Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?

Apparently there are two types of flu.
The harmless one that women and children get, and the “near death” version that men get.

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. 

After the exam, she shyly began, “My husband wants me to ask you…” 

“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.” 

“No, that’s not it,” Catherine confessed. “He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.” “

WHERE          ARE          THE          GIRL          SCOUT          COOKIES?!?!

Catherine, a RN, was unhappy with her job, so she submitted her resignation.

She was sure she’d have no trouble finding a new position, because of the nursing shortage in her area.

She e-mailed cover letters to dozens of potential employers and attached her resume to each one.

Two weeks later, Catherine was dismayed and bewildered that she had not received even one request for an interview. Finally she received a message from a prospective employer that explained the reason she hadn’t heard from anyone else.

It read: “Your resume was not attached as stated. I do, however, want to thank you for the vegetable lasagna recipe.”

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls. 

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone. 

Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex. 

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. 

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen. 

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy. 

Thinking he’s killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, “Oh my God!… I killed her! I killed her!” 

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, “Wait just a minute! I didn’t kill her. She committed suicide!” 

According to ‘Men’s Health’ magazine, the average man has had sex in a car 15 times?

That’s something to keep in mind next time you’re looking for a used car.

Little Johnny burst through the front door with a smile on his face.

Surprised that Johnny was home so early, his mother asked, “Why are you home from school so early?”

Johnny answered, “I was the only one who could answer a question.”

“Oh, really? What was the question?” his mother asked.

“Who threw the eraser at the teacher?”

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables one year.

When she picks her crop in late summer, her carrots, potatoes, onions and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflower has done extremely well.

She picks them and cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce and they taste wonderful.

After eating cauliflower for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty.

Secondly, she has really awful bad breath! Even her cat, Simon, won’t come near her. Sssssst!!!

Pleased with her lips however, and spotting a money making idea when she sees one, she contacts Revlon, the cosmetics company, and explains about the lip-enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop.

The company sends out a crew to bring back some of her cauliflower. After a month of testing, they decide to buy Mary’s entire crop of cauliflower for a phenomenal amount, and they request that Mary grow some more as soon as possible!

The company proceeds to make lipstick out of them but they experience problems in the the final product manufacture. Seems the lipstick was not gelling correctly into a solid stick and thus, ended up crumbling upon application to the lips.

Quality controllers also found that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remained and they have no choice but to put it down as an “unfortunate” side effect.

As they are nearing their production deadline and advertising for this new wonder lip-enhancer has hit the streets, the cosmetics company has no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution:

Poppins’ Pop-up Lip enhancer:

Super Cauli, Fragile Lipstick – Expect Halitosis

You knew that was coming, right?

“Say, Jim,” Steve said to his pal, “how do you like your new job?”

“It’s the worst job I ever had.”

“How long have you been there?”

“About three months.”

“Why don’t you quit?”

“No way. This is the first time in 20 years that I’ve looked forward to going home.”

And you thought Aunt Jemima syrup was insulting?!

Fwd:  US Government Notice

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.  Be sure to send this notice to your relatives and friends so they’ll know what happened to you.  I started to cry when I thought of you.  Then it dawned on me…I’ll see you on the bus.

A NATION THAT CANNOT ENSURE AN AMPLE SUPPLY OF BABY FORMULA HAS NO BUSINESS GIVING $40 BILLION TO UKRAINE!!!!!

For the first time in history, you can post:
“He’s an idiot”
“What a moron”
“He’s such a jerk”
“Can you believe this ____ (clown, crap, stuff, etc.)”
“Un-friggin’-believable”
and 98% of the world will know exactly who you’re talking about.

Sarah had wanted new kitchen cabinets for a long time, but her husband insisted they were an extravagance.

She went to visit her mother for two weeks, and when she returned, she was overjoyed to find that beautiful new cabinets had been installed in her kitchen.

A few days later, a neighbour came over to visit and after admiring the new cabinets, the neighbour added, “All of us were so glad that the fire your husband had while you were gone was confined to the kitchen.”

An office technician got a call from a computer user.

The user told the tech that her computer was not working. She described the problem and the tech concluded that her computer needed to be brought in and serviced.

He told her, “Unplug the power cord and bring it up here and I will fix it.”

About fifteen minutes later she showed up at his door … with the electrical cord in her right hand!

Our six-year-old handed us a note. His teacher had called my wife and I in for an emergency meeting. We asked our son if he had any idea why and he said, “She didn’t like a drawing I did.”

We went in the next day.

His teacher pulled the drawing below out and said, “I asked him to draw his family, and he drew this. Would you mind explaining?”

“Not at all.” my wife said. “Family vacation. Snorkeling off the Bahamas. 😂😂

And that’s it.  Love and Happiness to you all.

So first of all, remember the picture above, it will come back around later in the issue.  I am going to quickly get into the fun stuff and the memes and cartoons so that I can maybe get this ready for Monday so you guys can have something for Monday to laugh at.  Besides, you don’t really want to hear from me anyway, right?  What you really want to do is to laugh.

So, a quick letter from a reader and then we’ll get right into the fun stuff.

Another Military short story with a happy ending….  

For all of you morons out there asking for “Father’s Day” and “Mother’s Day” to be changed to “Special Person’s Day”, there already is a day just for you! 
It’s called: 
“APRIL FOOLS DAY”

Be honest, if people heard what you are thinking half of the time, you would either be in jail or a mental hospital.

Some of our security weld fire…

Guys!  I need your help!  I’m in the middle of an argument with my wife and she just told me that I’m right.
What the hell do I do next!?!

Working at the post office, I’m used to dealing with a moody public.

So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, “What’s the trouble?”

“I went out this morning,” she began, “and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home. I’ll have you know, my husband was in all morning! He never heard a thing!”

After apologizing, I got her parcel.

“Oh good!” she gushed. “We’ve been waiting for this for ages!”

“What is it?” I asked.

“My husband’s new hearing aid.”

And THAT, my dear campers, is the definition of being in the military.  
Or at least it’s supposed to be.
Sadly, it’s not ALWAYS the case, but for the most part, it is.  For the ones where it’s not, we tend to get rid of them without too much trouble.  I still run into the “occasional”  10 year E-6 who has “never deployed and seems proud of that fact” but that is the exception rather than the rule.

Mary and her husband were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy morning.  

He suddenly said, ‘Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.’ 

‘Now why would you want me to do something like that?’ Mary asked. 

‘I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff….’ 

‘What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

Some of our security weld wind …

LOVE: When you write poems about your partner.
LUST: When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE: When all you write is checks.

LOVE: When sex is called “making love”.
LUST: When sex is called “doing it”.
MARRIAGE: When you can’t remember what you used to call it.

LOVE: When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST: When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE: When you lose your child in a crowded room.

LOVE: When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST: When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE: When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE: When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST: When you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE: When you argue about money.

LOVE: When you have concern for your partner’s feelings.
LUST: When you have concern for your partner’s test results.
MARRIAGE: When you have concern for what’s on TV.

LOVE: When nobody else matters.
LUST: When nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE: When everybody else matters and you don’t care who knows.

LOVE: When you like to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST: When you like to see each other naked.
MARRIAGE: When you never see each other awake.

LOVE: When you share everything you own.
LUST: When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE: When the bank owns everything.

LOVE: When you phone each other just to say, “Hi.”
LUST: When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE: When you phone each other to bitch.

LOVE: When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST: When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE: When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE: When your farewell is “I love you, darling.”
LUST: When your farewell is “Same time next week?”
MARRIAGE: When your farewell is “Pick up some toilet paper.”

And Biden was elected president

Mary: My ex-husband and I had a big fight once because I was filing my nails.

Jill: Well, that’s ridiculous!

Mary: Oh, I dunno. We were having sex at the same time.

As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

My husband was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and I was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.”

Flattered, I continued my vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.”

“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” I asked him.

“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

Really oldie, and Really funny…

A Swiss scientist has invented a new bra! 

It offers more support which will prevent a woman’s breasts from bouncing around, and will keep her nipples hidden; even in cold temperatures. 

After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the crap out of him. 

Another oldie, but goodie

Men’s Rules in life ……. 

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: 
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master. 
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. 
c. After wrecking your boss’ car. 
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”. 
e. When she is using her teeth 

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 

Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden. Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional. 

On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 

When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing. 

You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend. 

Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts. 

Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 

If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything. 

Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both – that’s just mean. 

If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer. 

never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours, except if she’s withholding s*x pending your response. 

Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! 

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 

Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 

The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was. 

Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 

The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story. 

Speaking of shooting, did you guys hear about the Chinese spy balloon that is floating over our country that they say is a “weather balloon” that has gone off course that they’ve lost control of, that the military wants to shoot down and Biden says no, leave it alone?  WHAT THE HELL??????  Now, imagine the same thing happened with a weather balloon over China.  Go ahead, imagine it.  I’ll wait.  It’s steerable.  It has cameras.  IT NEEDS TO BE SHOT DOWN and if it’s not, Biden needs to be impeached as a Chinese spy.

When a billionaire becomes President, the last thing on anyone’s mind should be seeing tax returns.

When a career politician on a $174,000 a year salary has a net worth of $50 million and owns multiple mansions, people should be asking HOW?

The Swamp of Washington is a disgusting place.

Remember at the very beginning, when I told you to pay attention to the header picture?  Here’s why…

That was such an excellent story.  Thanks to Joe from NJ for sharing the story.  It really touched me.

How does a blonde get pregnant?

SHEESH….and I thought blondes were dumb!

I’m sorry, but you can’t always be experiencing a higher volume of calls than average.

That’s not how averages work.

I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia. 

She whispered, “They’re right behind you…”

That’s it, got it done!  I’m very happy!  But I’ve got to get some sleep, so …

May God Bless you with Love and Happiness

Now there is a header that goes WAY back.  It’s header #4, which means it is one that I saved in 2011.  So, it’s now 12 years old.  

Sigh…

The good old days.

Anyway, here it is, Thursday night and I’m starting to put this episode together for Saturday.  Like I mentioned at the close of my last one, I’ll mention at the beginning of this one, there MAY NOT be an issue on Monday because of the extra long, extra hard weekend that I have coming up this weekend.  I have an additional class on Sunday afternoon that I have to teach, which takes the couple of extra hours that I normally have that I throw together to put an issue together away from me.  My weekend hours are usually longer hours and these will be longer still.

Anyway, everything is lined up and ready to go, so what do you say we get this truck out on the highway, shall we?

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we–“

His friend interrupts him. “A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”

“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”

“My life is awful,” the man says. “Every night, I play Trivial Pursuit with my wife, and every night she beats me.”

“Well, why don’t you just stop playing Trivial Pursuit?” the bartender asks.

“I love the game,” the man says. “I’m a genius. I never lose.”

The bartender is confused. “I thought you just said your wife beats you.”

“Yeah,” the man says, “she’s a sore loser.”

Within two weeks of moving into a new house, the homeowner had to call an electrician, a roofer, a plasterer and a carpenter.

One afternoon he returned from work early and saw a plumber’s truck in the driveway.

“Lord,” he pleaded, looking skyward, “please let my wife be having an affair.”

This guy was found outside the offices skulking around.  Once he was brought into the dungeons…or I mean, conference rooms, it was determined that he was working for some organization he was trying to start, some humor ezine called DragonChuckles… needless to say, nobody has seen him … well … nobody has seen him since we talked to him in the … what was it?  Oh yeah, the conference room.

Many years ago there was an Irish radio program where the presenters would travel around the country, stopping off at various schools and factories where they would interview some of the locals, and the broadcast would go out live. 

They ended up at a primary school in the backside of nowhere one day, and Little Johnny, a farmer’s son, was wheeled forward to say a few words live on the radio. 

‘So Little Johnny, how are you today?’ said Mr. Smoothie Presenter. 

‘Not too well at all, sir, there’s been a death in the family’ replied Little Johnny. 

‘Ah no, sure that’s terrible … who died?’ asked the presenter. 

‘It was the pony, sir … it fell down a bog hole and my father had to shoot it’, explained Little Johnny. 

‘God, that’s awful. Did your father shoot it in the hole?’ 

‘No sir … he shot it in the head’ 

Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it. 

The first girl says “toast” — t o a s t. 

The second boy says “eggs” — e g g s. 

Little Johnny says “fuckin nothing” — f u c k i n g  n o t h i n g. 

The teacher stands him in the corner till lunch. 

After lunch Little Johnny is allowed to take his seat. 

The first class after lunch is geography. The teacher wants to know where the Polish border lies. 

Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says, “He’s at home on top of my mom. That’s why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!” 

Marina and Amy were sitting drinking coffee. 

Amy looked quite down and so Marina asked her what the problem was. 

Amy’s brow furrowed and she said, “Marina, that Viagra is the work of the devil. 

Now we girls can look forward to having sex with really old guys, for years and years to come. I can see it now. 

He’s screaming … 

‘Who’s your granddaddy, who’s your granddaddy? 

Oh dear, I can’t remember! What were we doing? Was I enjoying it?” 

That’s a picture of Izzy, she really does hate spiders.

I know, I can’t stand this new stuff they call music, either.

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2059

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. 

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. 

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped. 

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels. 

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation! 

Last Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking. 

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2060. 

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only. 

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss. 

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs. 

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba. 

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. 

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States. 

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays. 

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative. 

Supreme Court rules any punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. 

A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony, 
They had simultaneous Headaches. 

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with only 5 illegitimate children. 

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2060. 

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent. 

Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines. 

Now, send this to whomever you want and as many as you want, then, guess what….NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very scared, or pissed off. 

I Love This Country! 

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,” the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained. “It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night.  She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night. 

“Certainly madam,” he replied courteously. 

“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary. 

“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. 

Would you care to select something from this menu?” 

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary. 

“Certainly, madam,” he replied. 

“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary  politely. 

The receptionist nodded and smiled. 

“In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs, please,” Mary mused. 

After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night. 

The night passed uneventfully and the next morning Mary came down early to check out.  The same guy was still on the desk. 

“Morning madam…sleep well?” 

“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied. 

“Food to your liking?” 

“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs, though….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully. 

“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.  We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist. 

“OK, I will…thanks!”  replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book.  Waving, she left to continue her journey. 

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written. 

“Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!” 

You all saw that coming, right?  I mean from like the very beginning, right?  RIGHT?

Little Johnny is wandering up and down the aisles of a supermarket crying his eyes out. 

“What’s the matter fella?” asked a stock boy. 

“I’ve lost my mommy!” wailed Little Johnny. 

“Don’t worry, we’ll soon find her,” soothed the stock boy. 

“Now tell me, what’s mommy like?” 

“Bourbon and men with big, hard cocks,” sobbed Little Johnny. 

A Pocket Full of Puns

• Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.
• Just so everyone is clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
• A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
• I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
• How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer. 
• My friends and I have named our band ‘Duvet’. It’s a cover band.
• I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it. 

• Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.
• When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.
• Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.
• Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.
• I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.
• I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
• What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, they’re, their.
• I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

We really picked a bad generation to start World War III… they can’t even fight anxiety from being called by a wrong pronoun.

This next one is a really old and REALLY FUNNY joke.  I love this one.

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS

REST IN PEACE

COUSIN HUET

we all know

you didn’t do it

Joe from NJ says this is an oldie … I’ve never heard it before, so I guess I’m not that old.

Little Johnny walked into a police station one day and said, “I’ve got three big brothers and we all live in the same room. My eldest brother has seven cats. Another one has three dogs and the third has a goat. I want you to do something about the smell.”

“Are the any windows in your room?” asked the officer.

“Yes, of course there are!” said the boy.

“Have you tried opening them?”

“I can’t…all my pigeons would escape.”

And that’s it, and I’m late and I have to run.  May your weekend be filled with Love and Happiness.

We are having fun now!  Yes we are!  Absolutely!  Says so right here on the label.  Guaranteed, 100%, All-American, Pure-Breed, Organic, FUN!

ARE YOU PAYING ATTENTION?  We are having Eff You En — FUN!

So…anyway…Alan F. wrote to me and said: As to the question of Miss Universe and no other planets partaking, how about a world series with only one country!!!  

Well, Alan F., I know it’s not much but TECHNICALLY, the Toronto Blue Jays are from Canada and Canada is NOT the United States, so two countries, not just one. 

I know…

I KNOW…

It’s hardly MUCH of a difference, but still, it’s a technicality.  I think with the Little League World Series … with the kidlets … they actually DO draw from all over the world.  Seems like when kids from my home town of Toms River, NJ won they had to play the kids from Japan or something like that.  I’m not really much of a baseball fan, heck I’m barely a football fan (now that the Colts and the Packers are out of it, I’m not really sure who’s left in the running for the super bowl). 

{Spell check funny aside: Okay, that was funny.  I spelled super bowl first as “superbowl” and got the little red line underneath it showing it was wrong.  When I clicked on it, spell check gave me two choices as being correct.  #1 was of course “super bowl”, but #2 was “superb owl” which I thought was an excellently cool option.  The highest selection of owl.  You can choose a “good owl”, a “great owl”, an “excellent owl”, or for the very best, you can choose a “superb owl”.

Okay, enough nonsense for now, let’s get this show on the road.  And the crowd claps, cheers, and screams …

Sometimes, final wills are used to spite a partner one last time. For poet Heinrich Heine, he vowed to give all his property to his widowed wife on one condition: she needed to remarry. 

While this might sound like a romantic way to encourage your widow to move on, it was far from it. Because his wife was known to be boring and incredibly vain, Heine actually stated that if she remarried “there will be at least one man who will regret my death.”

Joe from NJ sent this one and it’s very, very good.  It’s called: The Value of Time

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn’t have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person Who has survived an accident.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:

LOSE ONE.

The origin of this letter is unknown,
But it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on.

Remember….

Hold on tight to the ones you love!!!

Parachuting:

On our first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. “Start preparing for landing when you’re at 300 feet.”

One student asked, “How do you know when you’re at 300 feet?”

“A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”

She thought about this for a moment before saying, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”

Our equivalent of riding your motorcycle to work.

Football Quotes:

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver:  “When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”

---

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

---

John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

---

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

---

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon:  “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

---

Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach:  “I have a lifetime contract That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

---

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

Instructions for Giving your Cat a Pill

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 

Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth
with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. 

Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Having had to give a pill to a cat in the past, I can attest to the truthfulness of the above.  Here’s Impish Dragon’s steps on how to give a pill to a dog.  There are two different ways.  Either one works.

First way is to wrap the pill in ANY food and toss it to the dog like any other treat and the dog will swallow it without tasting it, like any other food.

Second way is to not bother wrapping it, but just make it the second treat you throw to the dog.  Throw a regular treat first, then the pill and it will disappear without being tasted, just like the first treat.

That’s it.  Most dogs are four-legged garbage disposals and will eat ANYTHING they think is a treat.  At least that is my experience.

The Amish Powerball is up to 200 chickens and a goat.

You know, we were supposed to meet here for the tailgating party … but I don’t see any teams, any beer, nothing.  Are you sure we’ve got the right address?

Sex Education

Teacher:  Tell me the difference between a Call girl, Girlfriend, and Wife.

The whole class was silent…until Little Johnny put up his hand and answered.

Little Johnny:  Prepaid, Postpaid, and Unlimited.

I know I’m going to get through it.  I’m just tired of going through it.

Someone stole my coffee cup.  Now I have to go down to the police station and look at mugshots.

Person:  What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me:  Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

I hate when I think I’m buying organic vegetables and when I get home I discover they’re just regular donuts.

Why would I want to be alone with my thoughts?

Have you heard some of the crap that comes out of my mouth?

Just try and imagine what’s trapped inside this head of mine…

CONSPIRACY THEORIST

The term used to discredit someone who speaks about things you can’t bear to look at, because if it were true, it would reveal a darkness in the world you’re simply not ready to accept.

Just so we’re clear, I have no problem with the LG HDTV Community.

Boy, ain’t that the

Hello and Welcome. I hope you had a good weekend.

Have you ever noticed that the first piece of luggage that comes out on the airport carousel never seems to belong to anyone???

– Erma Bombeck (1927-1996)

Yeah, I would definitely fill up the right one first.

Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?

A: So she wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills.

You ever notice why the blonde jokes are always she?  Why couldn’t the punch line have been, “So he wouldn’t wake up the sleeping pills”?  Doe it work as well as “she”?  No, it really doesn’t, do it?

Tombstone:

Burlington Churchyard, Massachusetts:

Sacred to the memory of Anthony Drake,

Who died for peace and quietness sake

His wife was constantly scolding and scoffin’,

So he sought for repose in a twelve-dollar coffin.

My teacher is really giving me a tuff time” Little Johnny was telling his father.

“Handle it this way Johnny,” his father advised. “Take special care with your personal appearance and attire. Pay attention in class. And do your assignments and homework promptly.”

“I really don’t think that’ll help Dad,” Johnny sighed. “She hissed at me during study break that she’s 3 weeks overdue.”

And that’s it again my friends.  

I’ve had a couple of people tell me that they’ve not received the issues in email like they normally do.  Keep in mind that NORMALLY I send out an episode every Monday, Thursday, and Saturday and I try my very best to let you know if I’m not going to send one out or if I’m going to be absent for whatever reason.  I know how much you guys worry about me.  So, if you don’t see one when you expect to see one, it could be an email issue, which I have no control over.  (I really had NO IDEA how many of you guys out there read each episode by email, I kind of figured that everyone paid a visit to the website).  So, if you think you should have gotten one and you didn’t, go to the website and check and see if a new issue is there.  It’s really easy to remember the address cause I pay for it every year.  dragonlaffs.com or if you really want to be fancy http://dragonlaffs.com  

Every time someone has written to me to say that they are no longer getting the emails, I’ve checked the email listing and their address is right there…and that’s about as much technical know how as I know how.

Anyway, that’s it for today, Love and Happiness to you all, until we meet again on Saturday.  And I will give you a heads up, since I do have a VERY long working weekend this weekend, there may not be an issue on Monday, but we’ll see.

So, where were we?  Oh yeah.  Snow.  I AM TIRED OF IT!

I’m ready for it to warm up, this crap to melt and for it to be Spring.  51 days left.  That’s way too long from now as far as I’m concerned.  

Have I mentioned that I’m tired of the snow?

Anyway, I’d like to share a comment with you guys that was shared with me a couple of days ago.  This one touched my heart.

This one is an oldie, but a real goodie…

Things that I’ve learned from my parents…

• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
  • “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
• My mother taught me RELIGION.
  • “You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
• My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
  • “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
• My father taught me LOGIC.
  • ” Because I said so, that’s why .”
• My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
  • “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
• My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
  • “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
• My father taught me IRONY.
  • “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
• My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
  • “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
  • “Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
• My mother taught me about STAMINA.
  • “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
• My mother taught me about WEATHER.
  • “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
  • “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
• My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
  • “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
  • “Stop acting like your father!”
• My mother taught me about ENVY.
  • “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
• My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
  • “Just wait until we get home.”
• My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
  • “You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
• My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
  • “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
• My mother taught me ESP.
  • “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
• My father taught me HUMOR.
  • “When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
• My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
  • “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up”
• My mother taught me GENETICS.
  • “You’re just like your father.”
• My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
  • “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
• My mother taught me WISDOM.
  • “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
• My father taught me about JUSTICE.
  • “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”

Subject: Re: Subject: Exciting News: 2023 Senior Stimulus Package

IMPORTANT – Watch Your Mailbox:

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2023 Social Security Stimulus Package.

It contained two tomato seeds, pancake mix, two discount coupons to KFC, a ‘Biden Hope & Change’ bumper sticker, a prayer rug, a Biden speech decoder, a machine to blow smoke up my ass, and a ‘Blame it on Trump’ poster for the front yard. The directions were in Spanish.

Yours should arrive soon. Happy New Year everyone!

My granddaughter and friend

Rylee- I think I’m gonna start taking my pepper spray to work again.

Me- that sounds like a good idea.

(She’s a bagger at smiths and there’s weirdos when she collecting carts)

Rylee- will I get into trouble for spraying people?

Me- Not if it’s self defense. If you’re just spaying people it’s assault.

Rylee- No its a-pepper.

Okay, I guess I’m one of them…someone explain it to me, please.

There’s no room left on this dragon, you’ll have to wait for the next one.

WHY MEN ARE SO HONEST

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water & he needed it to make a living.

The Angel went down into the water and reappeared with a Golden Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: “No.”

The Angel again went down and came up with a Silver Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. Again, the woodcutter replied: “No.”

The Angel went down again and came up with an Iron Axe. “Is this your axe?” the Angel asked. The woodcutter replied: “Yes.”

The Angel was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all 3 Axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Sometime later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Angel again appeared and asked him: “Why are you crying?”

“Oh, my wife has fallen into the water!”

The Angel went down into the water and came up with Demi Moore.

“Is this your wife?” the Angel asked.

“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.

The Angel was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”

The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said ‘NO’ to Demi Moore, you would have come up with Sophia Loren. Then if I said ‘NO’ to her, you would have come up with MY WIFE. Had I then said ‘YES,’ you would have given me all 3.  I’m a poor man, and not able to take care of 3 wives, so THAT’S why I said YES to Demi.”

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason and for the benefit of others.

That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it!

WE MEN ARE TRULY HONORABLE!

90% of all electrical vehicles are still on the road today…

The other 10% made it all the way home.

Never take a pill that has more side effects than you have symptoms.

Another, more sedate part of Dragon Forest with the corporate headquarters way off in the distance.

Once there was this little Italian boy in the fields with his father. Looking at his dad’s hands, the boy says, “Papa, you do many things with your hands, tell me about your fingers.”

“Wella Tony,” Papa said, “You seea this first finger? You use a dis a one to point a to whata evea you wanna to. You see youa thumb? You usea disa for turna pages in a book, and your ringa finger, you will use whena you get a married, and your little finga, you use to picka you nose. And the middle finga, well, I’lla tella you about thata one when youa getta married.”

Little Tony was satisfied with that and time past. It was now Tony’s wedding day. It was a beautiful wedding and just before he was leaving with his bride, Tony went to have a talk with Papa.

Tony said, “Papa, many years ago you told me to use this finger to point at what I want, to turn pages with my thumb, to pick my nose with this little one, and to put my wedding ring on this one, but, Papa, what is it I do with this middle finger?”

Papa drew close to Tony and said, “Tony, tonighta you will makea mad hotta love to youa woman many times, and youa may getta tired. When thatta happens, and youa woman turns to you an wanna makea da love againa, that’s when you takea your middle finga and you poka on her head and say,. . . . ‘Go back to sleep youa silly woman!'”

Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the cooker and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee: $45.

Little Johnny goes into a house of ill repute and asks for a girl with gonorrhea. 

The madam nodded and sent him upstairs to a room. Then she called one of her favorites for him. The girl came into the room and started to undress, when he asked, “Do you have gonorrhea?” 

“Gonorrhea? I should say not,” she replied. 

Little Johnny sent her back. The madam sent for another girl and said, “Honey, go upstairs and tell that fool you have the clap. Let’s do what we can to make him happy.” 

The girl agreed, went upstairs and when Little Johnny asked, “Do you have gonorrhea?” she smiled and said, “Of course I do.” 

“Ok,” he said, “Let’s do it.” 

After it was over and they were laying side by side the girl said, “Listen Johnny, I don’t really have gonorrhea” 

Little Johnny smiled and said, “Well, you do now.” 

TOMBSTONE

I came into this world without my consent and left in the same manner.

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”

One child answered, “Mary.”

The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”

A little kid said, “Verge.”

Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’ Mary.

MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!

I don’t do windows because …
I love birds and don’t want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don’t wax floors because …
I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I’ll feel terrible and they may sue me.

I don’t mind the dust bunnies because …
They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don’t disturb cobwebs because …
I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don’t Spring Clean because …
I love all the seasons and don’t want the others to get jealous.

I don’t pull weeds in the garden because …
I don’t want to get in God’s way, he is an excellent designer.

I don’t put things away because …
My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don’t do gourmet meals when I entertain because …
I don’t want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don’t iron because …
I choose to believe them when they say “Permanent Press”.

I don’t stress much on anything because … “
A Type” personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol’ woman!!!!

Men, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. Good girls out there, please forward this message to your guy friends. There is a new drug that is in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators at parties to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available virtually anywhere!

It goes by the street name “Beer.”

All girls have to do is buy a “Beer” or two for almost any guy and then simply ask the guy home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics.

The bride tells her husband, “Honey, you know I’m a virgin and I don’t know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?” 

“OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place ‘the prison’ and call my private thing ‘the prisoner’. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison. 

And then they made love for the first time. 

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction. 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, “Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped.” 

Turning on his side, he smiles. “Then we will have to re-imprison him.” 

After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, “Honey, the prisoner is out again!” 

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted. 

She nudges him and says, “Honey, the prisoner escaped again.” 

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, “Hey, it’s not a life sentence!” 

On my recent trip to a Butlins holiday camp in England, I was surprised to see a Fire notice in the chalet which read.  “In case of Fire leave your chalet and arouse the person next door”.  Now I agree to this arousal thing in theory but I’d like to make one or two comment’s. 

It’s OK if the person next door is female and good looking I’d really enjoy trying to arouse her, what if the person next door was a bloke. I’m a straight guy and no way would you catch me trying to arouse a bloke.

What if you don’t fancy the girl or woman next door you wouldn’t put your full dexterity into arousing them would you. 

What if there’s more than one of them, I’m not nineteen anymore and the thought of me trying to arouse more than one woman at a time is a bit beyond my libido these days.

What if she didn’t fancy a fat married bloke like me she could get a bit upset as I rummaged through her nightclothes seeking out her erogenous zones couldn’t she.

What if she was already with some guy he might not like the idea of you bursting in and trying to arouse his bit of pussy, he may even take offence and knock shit out of you.

What if she was unclean or a bit smelly  I wouldn’t fancy doing a 69 with that sort would you.

What if she is nice and you get her aroused by playing with her little man in his boat what are you supposed to do then, I’ll tell you the fire notice goes on to say.

Having aroused the person next door leave the room and assemble by the outdoor pool.

Now this is the part Butlins have got wrong if they think I’m going to spend my time arousing a woman just to assemble by the pool with the other guests I presume in order to go synchronized swimming they can think again.

Butlin’s must realize that in my efforts to arouse the woman I would become quite aroused myself and to plunge that arousal in to cold water would be a criminal waste at my time of life. 

So, I’ve come up with a better idea, let’s all assemble by the bouncy castle instead and carry on where we left off, even I could do pretty good on a bouncy castle I bet.  Have a nice Holiday 

Did you smell something burning? 

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you have had a wonderful weekend and I hope your days have been filled with God’s Blessings.