I’d like to make an observation.  An awful lot of you either have a very short memory or you don’t read the part of Dragon Laffs that I write and just look at the memes and the cartoons.  I suppose it’s okay to skip over the parts you aren’t interested in and just get to the parts that you are, but due to the amount of inquiries I’ve received over the last couple of days wondering if I’m alright and what’s happened to me, it just makes me wonder how many of you read the part in the last episode that I DID publish that said that I probably wasn’t going to publish an issue on Saturday and Monday due to the big exercise and the 12 to 16 hour shifts that I was going to be working on Thursday through Sunday?

It also does explain why no one has found the buried treasure that I’ve been leaving clues and hints to over the last 15 or so issues.  Well, it’s probably too far out to sea now for anyone to find, so it’s a bit of a moot point at this juncture … but all that dragon’s gold would’ve been nice for someone.

Anyway, since the cartoons and the memes are what you all are interested in, let’s get to it and I’ll try … TRY to keep the commentary and opinions to myself. 

Yeah, I know, like that’s gonna happen.  No gentle campers, YOU ARE STUCK WITH ME JUST THE WAY I AM!

Oh, and the whole treasure thing…nah, not so much.  But, I’ll bet there were a few of you who were going through the back issues, looking for those clues cause YOU WERE GUILTY OF NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ALL THE DETAILS, NOW WEREN’T YOU!?  Uh huh.  I knew it!

I’m gonna have to start throwing some tests in here every now and then just to see who’s paying attention.

Alright, enough is enough already…

I’ve got a couple of those around the house.

That is AWESOME!!!  True or not, that will DEFINITELY keep people from taking someone else’s food out of the fridge!

I’ve actually seen a very similar sign at a FOB in Germany.  Oh, FOB is Forward Operating Base.  Helicopters – German ones – used to come slamming into the ground really fast and slide across the grass and they didn’t care if there were American military guys in the way or not.  There were very similar signs in the area where they practiced this maneuver.  This was before cell phones because I really WISH I HAD video of this because it was hilarious and awesome!!

A blonde took her dog to the vet for its annual check-up. 

“Your dog is overweight,” the vet said. “You should cut back on his food a little and make sure he gets some exercise. Try playing fetch with him.” 

“That’s impossible,” the blonde replied. “I can’t play fetch with my dog.” 

“Why not?” asked the puzzled vet. 

“Because,” the blonde said, “he can’t throw.” 

Umm…

Well, that’s awfully nice of them.  Around these parts, we don’t notify anyone.  We just throw the parts to the hogs and they don’t leave anything worth notifying anyone about.  Neither does dragon’s breath.

The Parachute Paradigm 

You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react? 

Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway. 

Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before. 

Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute. 

Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions. 

Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline. 

Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment. 

Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too. 

Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings. 

Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss. 

Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked. 

Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases. 

Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists. 

English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions. 

Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could. 

Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute. 

Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of. 

Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute. 

Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it. 

Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable. 

Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash. 

Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.

Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health. 

Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health. 

Specialization is for insects.  – Robert Heinlein

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy 

1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that. 

2. Ahh, it’s cute. 

3. Who circumcised you? 

4. Why don’t we just cuddle? 

5. You know they have surgery to fix that. 

6. It’s more fun to look at. 

7. Make it dance. 

8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that. 

9. Can I paint a smiley face on that? 

10. It looks like a night crawler. 

11. Wow, and your feet are so big. 

12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger. 

13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it. 

14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim? 

15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh. 

16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it? 

17. Oh no, a flash headache. 

18. (giggle and point) 

19. Can I be honest with you? 

20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that. 

21. Let me go get my tweezers. 

22. How sweet, you brought incense. 

23. This explains your car. 

24. You must be a growing boy. 

25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow. 

26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick. 

27. Are you one of those pygmies? 

28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow? 

29. Every heard of clearasil? 

30. All right, a treasure hunt! 

31. I didn’t know they came that small. 

32. Why is God punishing you? 

33. At least this won’t take long. 

34. I never saw one like that before. 

35. What do you call this? 

36. But it still works, right? 

37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting. 

38. It looks so unused. 

39. Do you take steroids? 

40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it. 

41. Maybe it looks better in natural light. 

42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes? 

43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident. 

44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt? 

45. Aww, it’s hiding. 

46. Are you cold? 

47. If you get me real drunk first. 

48. Is that an optical illusion? 

49. What is that? 

50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry. 

51. Were you neutered? 

52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents. 

53. Does it come with an air pump? 

54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality. 

55. Where are the puppet strings? 

56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun. 

57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes. 

58. Never mind, why bother. 

59. Is that a second belly button? 

60. Where’s the rest of it? 

At some point in time, penguins must have been a problem.

That’s awfully specific.  Where are you going to find an elderly disabled pregnant child?

As I’ve said before, “I read books, I drink coffee, and I know things.”

A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew. 

The brunette’s word was quizzical. 

The redhead’s word was photosynthesis. 

The blonde’s word was dick. 

The absolute definition of irony

PARENTHOOD

“No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.” —@LHLodder 

“88% of parenting is saying ‘it’s bedtime’ 150 times between 8:00 and 9:00 every night.” —@SardonikTart

“Parenthood is a journey except it’s just traveling from room to room putting away the same toys all day long.” —@OneFunnyMummy

“Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.” —@yoyoha

“You know you’re a parent when you’ve washed yourself with baby wipes to save time in the morning.” —Anonymous

“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’” —Dana Snow

“Driving around at 3am with soft music on the radio isn’t normal, but as a parent it is.” —@Batman1285

“My favorite part of parenting is after I drop my kids off at school. I’m kidding. It’s after they go to bed.” —@CallMeDraper

“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” —Ray Romano

“Motherhood is an extreme sport. That’s why we have to wear workout clothes everyday.” —Anonymous

“5 year old’s say the cutest things like ‘I love you’ and ‘hey mom when you just took your pants off everything was all jiggly and wiggly.’” —@DisCourt

“Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.” —@ThisOneSayz

“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lay down again.” —Betsy Farrell

“Hell hath no fury like a toddler who’s sandwich has been cut into squares when they wanted triangles.” —Anonymous 

“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” —Nia Vardolas

“According to my kid, the perfect amount of time to stay at the park is five more minutes.” —@RockabillyJay

“I didn’t realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That’s still a very low number of rodeos.” —@SimonCHolland

“No one is more passionate about their kids back to school opinion than my friends who don’t have kids.” —@CydBeer

“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” —Jerry Seinfeld

“Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese.” —@mommy_cusses

“When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is ‘Please forget.’” —@SarcasticMommy4

“My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.” —Anonymous

“I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.” —@LHLodder

“I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.” —Anonymous

“It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.” —Anonymous

“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” —Paul Reiser

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller

“Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is: Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?” —@RobFee

“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” —David Frost 

“The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.” —@BrianGaar

“Can’t find your kids? Don’t worry; sit on the toilet. They’ll find you.” —@MamaJessieC

“You can be a mess and still be a good mom. We are allowed to be both.” —@KatieBinghamSmith

“Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I’m not spontaneous anymore. Will I get out of these pajama pants today? Maybe… maybe NOT. You just don’t know.” —@DivergentMama

“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” —Lane Olinghouse

“When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they’re basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.” —@ParentNormal

“Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE!” —@LooksLikeTutTut

“Before I had kids, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by saying, ‘Get dressed, please.’ —@SarcaticMommy4

“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip her jacket by herself.” —@ksujulie

“The easiest way to shop with kids is not to.” —@relaxingmommy

He looks tired…

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.

“I come bearing bells, M’Lord.”

Teacher to a third grade student: “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”

Billy: “It depends.”

Teacher: “It depends on what?”

Billy: “It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”

My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.

“It was the worst day of my life,” replied the man.

“This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane.

“When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.

“On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beer?!’

“The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'”

Two women, passing through the fragrance department of a big department store, were offered samples of new perfumes.

One woman commented that her sample was much too strong.

The clerk replied, “Oh, it’ll be much softer once the alcohol wears off.”

“See!” chided her friend. “I told you not to have that second drink!”

A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist. 

After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack. 

The patient responded, “Don’t be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!” 

Suzi was painting a room in her house. After climbing down the ladder numerous times to answer the door when neighbourhood children stopped by, she told her daughter to make a sign asking her playmates not to ring the bell.

Several hours later, the room painting completed, Suzi went to take the sign down. To her embarrassment, she found that her daughter had written: “Do Not Ring the Doorbell. My Mother Is Busy Panting in the Bedroom.”

One day a gentleman was pushing his grocery cart down an aisle and coming to a corner met another cart about to turn into the aisle he was exiting. The carts met with quite a clash and the woman pushing the other cart became extremely hostile. She began screaming at the guy that he should pay more attention to where he was going and said he could have injured her two sons riding in her cart. No matter how apologetic he was, the woman continued to berate him. Although the collision was no more his fault than hers, he pleaded forgiveness but the woman just wouldn’t leave it alone. She continued to speak to him in a very rude manner using words that would make a sailor blush. Finally, the man said once again he was sorry and hoped her twins were ok. This sent her into an even more hostile mode yelling at him how could he possibly think her sons were twins? She asked why on earth could he could be so blind that he couldn’t see there was at least two years difference in their ages! Well, the man said, ” I didn’t think anyone would sleep with you twice”!

Some of our veterans, who have literally given almost everything for this country, are sleeping on the street!

If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?

How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

British Law In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign saying, “Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions.”

The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy one.

Once safely at home, I opened it and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about . . . chess.

A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks.

As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”

She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”

He turns beat red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh..I…”

She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”

I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widower. 

One day my daughter called home from college, and I announced to her, “I think it’s time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried.” 

“It’s way too soon to even think of anything like that,” she snapped indignantly. Then there was a brief silence. 

“Wait a minute, did you say married or buried?” 

When I repeated buried, she said, “Oh, okay, sure.” 

It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. 

When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches. 

The boy asked what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his older brother explained. 

“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go and He showed up!” 

For many reasons.

And that’s it for today.  A nice extended edition for your reading pleasure.  I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did.  So, from here I move on to Saturday’s edition and you guys … wait.  Sorry about that.  In the mean time, may God bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

Good Morning Campers,

Have you noticed, on this Thursday morning, that a bunch of the headers lately have been unusual type pictures with me in the picture somewhere?  All of those pictures were jigsaw puzzles that I did while bored or waiting.  It seemed a shame to not do something with the pictures.  Just thought I’d say.  Anyway…

This may be the last issue this week.  Got a big, BIG exercise this weekend.  Working like killer hours.  Maybe 12 to 14 hour shifts or longer.  I’ve got classes to teach and inspections to conduct.  I’m going to be one busy dragon.  I can hardly wait.  Did you detect the sarcasm in my voice?

Sooooo…..

Anyway, you now know what’s going on this weekend.  Now, let’s get going with the fun stuff.

If a woman is chugging chocolate chips straight out of the bag in the baking aisle at the grocery store, I suggest you just let her be.

Bumped into a mannequin and said, “Sorry.”  And then said, “Oh, I thought you were a person.”  Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin.

This.  I’m this level of awkward.

I just accidentally put a laundry basket down on the Lego ship that my 7 year-old spent all day building.  I brought it to him and said, “Buddy, I broke your ship; I didn’t see it and I sat something on it.  I’m so sorry.”

His eyes widened in shock and he said, “Oh man, that took me a really long time to build.  I just finished it!”

After a moment, I softly asked, “Are you mad?”

His response brought me to tears.

He took a deep breath and said, “I want to be mad, but yesterday when I broke your favorite plate, you didn’t get mad at me.  You said it was just a plate and you didn’t make me feel bad.  I know you liked that plate as much as I liked this ship.

It’s okay, mom.  I can rebuild it.”

My heart is melting.

You know, I just realized that I can tell my kids all day long what kind of people I hope they will be.  I can ask them to be loving and kind, but in the end, they will be what I’ve shown them to be not what I told them to be.

Last year, we opened our Incan branch of Dragon Laffs, Inc.  Aptly named Dragon Laffs-Inca, Inc. And we installed a mechanical Quetzalcoatl as CEO.  He managed to stand up for about 9 months and then was overthrown by some ancient Aztec Indians that, having foreseen this in a past magical seeing spell, came forward in time through a portal specifically to defeat their ancient foe.  When they came forward in time and found out that their enemy was a mechanical creation instead of a living, breathing god, they were so disappointed they tore him into tiny pieces, picked up pizza, beer, backgammon boards, and returned to their own time frame.

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.  However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said.  “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

The only one I’m not sure about is the Cofee Brick.  The other two choices sound great!

The Masochist says: BEAT ME!

The Sadist says:  “No.”

The greatest minds are capable of the greatest vices as well as of the greatest virtues.

– Rene Descartes (1596 – 1650)

“Peek-a-Boo!”

I’m not going to call it anything but a Mimsy from here on out.  That’s so much better than “your flaps”.  And any man who says, “you stink like a kipper” has only moments to live.  Mimsy…that’s adorable.  

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager said, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”
I said, “No.”
“Good,” he said.  “Take these drinks to table nine.”

An older woman’s voice was heard in the darkened theater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?” 

Several men stood up as the lights came on. 

The older lady pulled her daughter to her feet and said, “Are any of you doctors interested in a date with a nice, single, Jewish girl?” 

Umm…?

And here’s an oldie and it’s a math joke…so, you gotta love that, right?  Thanks Joe for sending this one along.

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn’t there if he can buy her a drink. The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?” 

The mathematician replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.” 

The bartender raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know –she might say yes.” 

The mathematician laughs. 
“Yeah, right — how likely is THAT to happen?” 

A married business executive had to make a trip to Palm Beach for his corporation. After a few days, he was enjoying himself so much that he decided to stay another week as part of his vacation. 

Wanting to share this newly discovered paradise, he wired his bachelor friend, “Take the next plane for a fun week on me. Bring my wife and your mistress.” 

His friend was quick to wire back, “Your wife and I are arriving tomorrow at 11:30 a.m. How long have you known about us?” 

If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in the war between Good and Evil, your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.

Wow.  The advertisers really didn’t think much of women, did they?

Out of all the Martial Arts, Karaoke inflicts the most pain.

Another of my baby pictures.

The love of liberty is the love of others; the love of power is the love of ourselves. 

— William Hazlitt (1778 – 1830) 

I hope, when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Everything happens for a reason.  Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.

Here’s a little something extra…

I REALLY want to know how this happened.  I mean, the lid is in the ceiling, for crying out loud!

That one looks pretty exciting, too.

What the heck is that?!

I don’t care what the directions say, ALWAYS use a pan!

I knew I forgot something!  Didn’t the smell or the smoke give it away?  Or the smoke alarm?

Okay, so normally this issue would be way over by now, but since we probably won’t have a Saturday issue and maybe not even a Monday issue because of my crappy upcoming exercise this weekend, we might as well push this one a little further and find out how Calvin’s leaf collection works out, don’t you think?

Wow!  Calvin could so be the Whelpling.  I swear.  Did I ever tell you guys how I had poison control calling and checking up on him?  True story.
Anyway, time to call it an issue.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

It was a dark and stormy night…the implication being that it’s ALWAYS a dark and stormy night.  That everything that bad happens on a dark and stormy night.  Well, sometimes good things happen on dark and stormy nights and sometimes bad things happen on bright and sunny days.

I’m not sure what made me think of that.  As a writer, you use a trope to get yourself going sometimes and I’ve often volleyed “It was a dark and stormy night” through my head to get me going.  Usually with a smile on my face.  That normally starts me down a path and I can begin writing what’s on my mind.

Today, all it got me writing about was … writing.  And I’m not sure why.  

Perhaps writing is on my mind.  Stream of consciousness kind of stuff.  

Perhaps nothing is on my mind and I’ve got nothing to say at all.  That’s happened before.

Or perhaps, something is weighing so heavily on my mind, that it can’t find room to squeeze out of my fingers.

Nah!

I’m probably just taking up space until we can get to the good stuff.  That ought to be about right.  So, let’s go!

That’s just wrong in so many ways.
Funny as heck, but wrong.

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn’t speak for an hour..

PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life…

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

BOY : Don’t you ever want to improve??

This one is subtle…

Having finally won her heart, Quasimodo marries Esmerelda. 

Quasimodo comes home from a hard day of ringing bells and his wife has made a delicious stir-fry. 

“Great!” he says. 

Next night he comes home from work, and it’s stir-fry again. 

“Just as delicious as last night,” he says. 

Next night — stir-fry again. “Tastes great, but I’m getting kind of sick of stir-fry again,” he says. 

Next night — stir-fry again. 

“Listen,” he says, “tomorrow make whatever you want, as long as it’s not stir-fry.” 

Next day he leaves work early (asking an assistant to ring vespers for him) so that he can catch her before she begins cooking. He walks in the front door and there she is, taking the wok down off the rack. 

“Aha!” he says. “You’re going to make stir-fry again!” 

“Don’t be silly,” she says. “I’m going to iron your shirts.” 

“Mom!  He’s touching me!  He’s touching me!”

A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork? “

The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”

The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?”

To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”

The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”

The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?”

The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”

The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”

A fellow decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn’t sure how many rolls of wallpaper he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size. 

“Murphy,” he asked, “How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?” 

“Ten” said Murphy. 

So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over. 

“Murphy,” he said. “I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I’ve got 2 left over!” 

“Dat’s funny,” said Murphy. “So did I.” 

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. 

The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude. 

“That’s OK with me, honey,” says her husband. “I’ll go get some wood for the fire.” 

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue. 

“What on earth happened to you dear?” he asks. 

“Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don’t allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!” 

“Damn those trouble-makers! I’ll fix them!” the husband shouts. 

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar. 

“Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue!” he shouts. 

A huge redneck, about 6′-8,” steps forward, a shotgun in his hand. 

“I did it,” he bellows. “What you got to say about it?” 

The husband answers meekly, “I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.” 

“If you kids can’t behave yourselves and keep your hands to yourselves, then you’re going to be in SO MUCH trouble!!”

At a recent dinner party, one of the guests, a particularly obnoxious male guest, who was overly impressed with his financial status and bragged about it to anyone who would listen, tried to make some clever 
remarks. 

When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked, and thinking he was being witty, asked loudly, “Is this pig?” 

Another guest, sitting at the table, commented quietly, 

“That depends on which end of the fork you’re referring to?” 

The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there. 

“What is wrong with you, sir?” she asked the man. “I got a wart on my balls,” he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. 

One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him. “You can’t say that to the queen!” the nurse shouts. 

“Well what should I have said then?” replies the man. 

“Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but ‘I have a wart on my balls’!” answers the nurse. 

Two months later, Princess Anne is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it. 

“What is wrong with you, sir?” asks the princess. 

“Um, I have a bruise on my back,” replies the man. 

“Oh,” the princess answers, “I’m so glad to hear that your balls are better…I’ll tell the queen.” 

Two men were discussing cars and one of them mentioned he had once owned a Rolls-Kinardly. 

“What is a Rolls-Kinardly?” his friend asked. 

“That is a car that rolls down one hill and kin hardly get up the next.” 

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!” The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

An old teacher asked her student, “If I say, ‘I am beautiful,’ which tense is that?” The student replied, “It is obviously past.”

Yeah, that ain’t happenin’

Today I tested positive for Sickofthisshit-23.  There’s no cure and I may or may not be contagious.

Teacher shortage, Police shortage, Border agent shortage.  Let’s hire 87,000 IRS agents and fix everything!

My guess is that if a dead body was found in the trunk of Hillary’s car, the FBI would ask Trump why he did it.

Well, I gather I didn’t have much to say at all today my friends.  I hope you all had a great weekend.  Love and Happiness to you all.  I have a BIG Exercise Weekend coming up, so there is no telling what issues will be published over the next week.  There will be something, I’m just not sure what.  But, I will keep you informed the best that I can.

Good Morning Campers and welcome to Saturday!

I know, it took us long enough to get here, but we finally did!  It’s been a LONG week.  Even with one of the days being a holiday!  It didn’t help that I went to yet ANOTHER funeral this week.  A guy that I used to play darts with.  45 ish years old and dropped dead of a heart attack.  Now, truth be told, I think he may have had some heart issues to begin with, but still!  Way too many people are dying lately.  It’s almost as if someone, somewhere has it all planned out.  Gee, ain’t that what we’ve been talking about?

I guess it’s okay when it’s not people you know, but it kind of sucks when it comes to people you are close to.  Makes you start to think about your own mortality and whether you’re ready or not.  I’m right with my Father in Heaven, but I’m not ready.  Not that I’m not anxious to get caught back up with some certain loved ones that I’m missing an awful lot, but some people that I know and care an awful lot about are NOT right with the Lord and need to get that way.  And that has laid a burden upon my soul.  How many of you campers out there are saved?  How many of you have accepted Jesus as your savior?

I know that is not our normal conversational topic, and I’m not going to belabor the point, but look around you at the world we are living in.  You can’t deny that things are coming to a head.  Get yourselves right.  And if you want to talk, you’ve got my email.

Now, …

This next one is from Stephen B. who has this to say about it:  Here are 5 bunnies that I carved for Easter…..(actually done well before time).  One for each of both of my granddaughters, daughter-in-law, wife and one extra.

And this one is: Dragon Sculpture At The Town Hall In The Northern Part Of Marienplatz In Munich, Bavaria, Germany

Disgusted man at a bar: “My girlfriend is such a cheat and a liar. I’ve been going with her almost a year now, and I never would have known she was married until my wife mentioned it just the other day.”

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes.

She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally.

To make sure she doesn’t get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot’s neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father’s collar, wolf whistles, and says, ”I see she caught you at it, too.”

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin. “How did I get here, Mommy?” she asks.

Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, “God sent you, Honey.”

“And did God send you too, Mommy?” she continues.

“Yes, Sweetheart, he did.”

“And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads too?”

“Yes,Honey, all of them, too.”

The child shakes her head in disbelief. “Then you’re telling me there’s been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!”

We need this menu in more places!!!

I’m wondering if that would really work or not…seriously.

“I can’t tell if those are fairies, lighting bugs, mosquitos with flashlights, or what they are, but I think I ought to burn them out of the sky just to be safe!”

But you did notice that the tag that said “Remove child before washing” was made in China, right?  Although it was written in English … so … I’m not sure where to go with that one.

See, and I think that’s perfectly fine and Mary and Izzy both thought that was the worst thing ever!

QUESTION:

You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner and is running at you while screaming obscenities. In your hand is a .357 Magnum and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

LIBERAL ANSWER:

Well that’s not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that is inspiring him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion. I really need to feel this person’s pain. Uggggggh! Arggghhh!

CONSERVATIVE ANSWER:

BANG!

Even faster than it takes you to type it, my friends.

I had Alexa play all of these for Izzy and I was surprised when she recognized about half of them.  I of course, could sing along with all of them.  Not that that was really a good thing, mind you.  On my music I have all but two of these.  And you can probably guess which two.  Number 2 and 6.  The only reason I have number 9 is that it was the theme to my Junior prom in 1976.  I think.  Why do I seem to remember now that it was something from Cat Stevens…?  Man, it sucks getting old!

A young woman teacher with obvious liberal tendencies explains to her class of small children that she is an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.

Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.

There is, however, one exception. A beautiful girl named Lucy has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

“Because I’m not an atheist.”

Then, asks the teacher, “What are you?”

“I’m a Christian.”

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Lucy why she is a Christian.

“Well, I was brought up knowing and loving Jesus. My mom is a Christian, and my dad is a Christian, so I am a Christian.”

The teacher angrily says, “That’s no reason.” “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

She paused, smiled and said, “Then, I’d be an atheist.”

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. 

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. 

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. 

“Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?” 

The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.” 

“What was that?” the old man asked. 

Again the boy responded, 

“Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.” 

“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying.” 

The boy spit the bait into his hand and said, “You have to keep the worms warm!” 

Just Fairies!

There’s an oversexed lady named Whyte, 
Who insists on a dozen a night. 
A fellow named Cheddar, 
Had the brashness to wed her… 
His chance of survival is slight. 

It is truly amazing what you will find in the Dragon Forest.

Bar Translations

What they really mean…

“No, really, I’m OK to drive.” — I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with.

“I’m not used to these darts.” — I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.

“Let’s go out to my car and get some cigarettes.” (male to female) — You would look great face down in my lap.

“You get this one, next round is on me.” — We won’t be here long enough to get another round.

“I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” — Happy hour is about to end…. now beers are a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

“I haven’t seen you around here for a long time.” — You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??

“Hey, where is that friend of yours?” — I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

“Let’s get out of here.” — I just dumped half a jug of beer into that Harley guy’s helmet.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female) — I’m  easy.

“Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male) — I’m gay.

“Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) — I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

“Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) — If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) — You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

“I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) — I’m horny.

“I’ve had like 10 beers already.” — I’ve only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way.

“Who’s got the next round?” — I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

“Excuse me.” (male to male) — Get the fuck out of the way.

“Excuse me.” (male to female) — I am going to grope you now.

“Excuse me.” (female to male) — Don’t even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.

“Excuse Me.” (female to female). — Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that hot, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho…Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

“I’m out of here, I have to work in the morning.” — I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

“What do you have on tap?” — What’s cheap?

“You go ahead, I’ll catch a cab.” — I already lined up a ride home with your “ex”.

“That person looks really familiar.” — Did I sleep with him/her?

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) — I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

“Can I just get a glass of water?” (male) — It’s 6:00 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least you can do for me.

“Do you have any Wild Turkey?” — I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

“I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) — I’m 19.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see his doctor.  

The doctor asked him all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc.,when the veterinarian interrupted him, saying, “Hey look, I’m a vet – I don’t need to ask my patients these kind of questions. I can tell what’s  wrong just by looking. Why can’t you?” 

The doctor nodded, looked him up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to him and said, “There you are.  Of course, if*that* doesn’t work, we’ll have to have you put down.” 

Here’s an oldie but goodie

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. 

“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?” 

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your face and hands.” 

He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, Are my testicles black?” 

Again the nurse replies, “I can’t tell. I’m only here to wash your face and hands.” 

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong. 

“Sister,” he mumbled, “Are my testicles black?” 

Being a nurse of long standing, the sister was undaunted.

 She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pyjamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, “Nothing wrong with them!!!” 

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, “Are my test results back??? 

I wouldn’t have thought that a horse funeral would have been that popular.

I returned to my parents’ home to attend a funeral. At the temple, my mother led me to a man who looked vaguely familiar. 

“Barbara, remember Rabbi Green?” she asked as she left me in his company. 

I frantically tried to place him, and suddenly it came to me. He was the kind man who, five years earlier, had officiated at my grandmother’s funeral. 

“It’s good to see you again, Rabbi,” I said. “Though I wish it weren’t always under such tragic circumstances.” 

The rabbi looked perplexed but uttered some words of consolation before he was called away. A few minutes later, I rejoined my mother. 

“Imagine,” she whispered, “after all this time, to run into the rabbi who performed your wedding!” 

Okay, I have to admit that this one made me laugh really hard…and I think it’s because it’s something that I can see myself saying.

8am: Too tired to think.

Noon: Too tired to think.

5pm: Too tired to think.

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles?

It’s easy really.  We don’t HAVE to shoot flame out of our mouths.  Otherwise it would happen every time we breathed .

Did you hear that the one that was shot down over Alaska may have been a teenie tiny ham radio repeater?  I have a buddy who is a ham operator himself and he showed me an article that said that a group had a balloon in that area that went silent at the same time they shot the balloon down.  And there are a BUNCH of these balloons circling the earth right now.  The repeaters weigh less than a gram including the little sun panels that keep them charged up.

A rabbi and his two friends, a priest and a minister, played poker for small stakes once a week. The only problem was that they lived in a very conservative blue-law town.

The sheriff raided their game and took all three before the local judge.

After listening to the sheriff’s story, the judge sternly inquired of the priest: “Were you gambling, Father?”

The priest looked toward heaven, whispered, “Oh, Lord, forgive me!” and then said aloud: “No, your honor, I was not gambling.”

“Were you gambling, Reverend?” the judge asked the minister.

The minister repeated the priest’s actions and said, “No, your honor, I wasn’t.”

Turning to the third clergyman, the judge asked: “Were you gambling, Rabbi?”

The Rabbi eyed him coolly and replied. . . “With whom?

Another oldie…but not necessarily a goodie.  This one tends to tick-off the ladies in the campground.

During a child birthing class at a local hospital, a nurse says, “Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.”
She turns to the men in the room and says “Gentlemen, remember that you’re both in this together. It wouldn’t hurt for you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both.”
The room becomes very quiet as the men absorb this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room slowly raises his hand. “Yes?” says the Nurse.
“I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk.”

I’m betting that particular man, name unknown, walked with a limp after that.

A man decided to take the opportunity, while his wife was away, to paint the toilet seat.

The wife came home sooner than expected, sat and got the seat stuck to her rear. She was understandably distraught about this and asked her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She put on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor’s, the man lifted his wife’s coat to show the doctor their predicament.

The man asked, “Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?”

“Well, yes,” the doctor said, “But never framed!”

Yeah, me two.  Anyway, as I slide into home, that’s the end for this one, my dear fellow campers!  I hope I managed to put a smile on some of your faces!  Until we meet again, may you all be blessed with Love and Happiness.

This one is full of cool stuff.  How do I know?  Because it’s already done and I’m adding the beginning at the end.  Why?  Because when I started this I didn’t have anything to say so I skipped the beginning and just got right to the fun stuff.

And you know what?  I still don’t have anything to say, so let’s get right to the fun stuff!

Fly in amber

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round. She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.” He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late. They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round. She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.” The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed. The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge.

This woman is a riddle no one can figure out. After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.

Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?”

The lady blushes, and grins. “Well I’m ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”

The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

“Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”

Here’s a great football commercial sent in by Lynn…

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS. 

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. 

That’s scary. It means 75% are running around untreated. 

“Liar, Liar, pants on … Holy Crap!”

One of the main reasons I didn’t have many friends when I was a kid…

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So, he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone. 

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. 

“Hi Meg,” he said, “how do you like your new phone?” 

Meg replied, “I just love it! It’s so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there’s one thing I don’t understand though.” 

“What’s that, sweetie?” asked her husband. 

“How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?” 

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.” 

Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you. 

When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.

“Spiders!  I HATE Spiders!!”

That one was worth it simply for the look on her face in the second picture.

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. “Oh, no!” she suddenly exclaimed. “Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He’ll be so pissed if it’s not ready on time.” When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg – and a can of cat food.

With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf. She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it.

“Darling, this is the best dinner you’ve made for me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day.”

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified

“You’re going to kill him!” they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse and one of them said, “You killed him “We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in!

“How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?”

The wife stoically replied, “I didn’t kill him.

He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his ass.”

A long time ago I learned not to explain things to people.  It misleads them into thinking they’re entitled to know everything I do.

Some people find fault like there is a reward for it!

And sometimes,
against all odds,
against all logic,
we still hope.

Hmmm, I found a strange piece of plastic on the floor that looks like it broke off of something, but I have no idea what.  Better save it in the junk drawer until I die.

I’ve closed my dating agency for chickens.

I was struggling to make hens meet.

There should be a law that electric cars can ONLY be charged by wind or solar power.  If you’re giving up fossil fuel, then give it up.

Just a side note,,I dont worry about my mortgage or car payment anymore.

I’ve done the proper forms and  they now, both identify as ‘student loans’ !

Whoo Hoo,,vacation ,,here we come !

UK:  We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”

USA:  We call it Fall because leaf fall down

That awkward moment when you come home, look in the mirror, and think…”Did I look like this ALL DAY?”

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you’ve enjoyed this as much as I have.  Until we meet again.  May God Bless you with Love and Happiness.