Dragon Laffs

Mother’s Day Weekend and what a week it’s been leading up to it.  It’s Friday afternoon and I’m just now starting this issue.

Well, it’s more like it’s Friday early evening.  Took me an hour just to get this damn laptop started and running.  I really need to inherit some money.  Problem is, there’s too many other issues clamoring for my paycheck.

But, enough about that.  Let’s say happy Mother’s Day to all you mothers out there.

And of course we lead off with some special Mom Day cartoons…

Yup, even us Dragons have Mothers.

And a special happy Mother’s Day to my adopted Mom.  Love you Diaman!

And now to some regular funnies.

I don’t care what people think of me…

At least mosquitoes find me attractive.

I think that’s a great idea! 

The year is 2020 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Susan Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, “So, Mom, I assume you’ll be coming to my inauguration?”

“I don’t think so.  It’s a ten-hour drive, your father isn’t as young as he used to be, and my arthritis is acting up again.”

“Don’t worry about it, Mom, I’ll send Air Force One to pick you up and take you home.  And a limousine will pick you up at your door.”

“I don’t know.  Everybody will be so fancy-schmantzy; what on earth would I wear?

Susan replies, “I’ll make sure you have a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in New York.”

“Honey,” Mom complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you and your friends like to eat.”

The President-to-be responds, “Don’t worry Mom.  The entire affair is going to be handled by the best caterer in New York; kosher all the way.. Mom, I really want you to come.”

So Mom reluctantly agrees and on  January 20, 2021, Susan Goldstein is being sworn in as President of the United States.  In the front row sits the new President’s mother, who leans over to a  Senator sitting next to her and says, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Torah, becoming President of the United States?”

The Senator whispers back, “Yes, I do.”

Mom says proudly, “Her brother is a doctor.

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he’s fallen in love and that he is going to get married.

He says, “Just for fun, Mama, I’m going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I’m going to marry.”  The mother agrees.

The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while

He then says, “Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?”

Mama says immediately, “The one on the right.”

“That’s amazing, Mama.  You’re right.  How did you know?”

Mama replies:  “I don’t like her.”

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.

I got him a Guinness Stout.  He didn’t like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him an Old Style.  He didn’t like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .

I could hardly push the stroller back home.

I know this is going to be a short issue.  Too much to do and no time to do it.  For that I’m sorry.

But let’s end today’s issue with a series of pictures that all have a theme…

And that’s it my friends.

Take care until we meet again.

Love you mom!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Happy Star Wars Day!  Did you not know today was Star Wars Day?  Sure.  You know… May the fourth be with you!

May the 4th…..

Get it?

Oh geez!

I don’t have much time, so let’s get to the laughter, shall we?

 

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 94,239 times, you’re a WEATHERMAN!!

When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.  To combat this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil…

It’s time to pay your taxes again.

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.

The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said ‘nothing’.

The reason I said ‘nothing’ instead of saying ‘just thinking’ is because she then would have asked ‘about what?’

At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.

Finally I pondered an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they “know”?

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really “know”, here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”

I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap in that hammock.

IRONY

THE OPPOSITE OF WRINKLY.

Sorry this was so quick, but that’s gonna have to be it for this week.

Until next week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning My Favorite Campers!

So, let’s get the feelings out there right at the beginning.  This next one is dedicated to Valarie:

So, right now, it’s Wednesday evening and I have a few more days before this issue goes out, so maybe I’ll want to say more about it by then…if not, then the sign says it all.

And This one is for Izzy Dragon:

If my kid can’t bring peanut butter to school, then yours can’t bring the deathly plague.  Vaccinate or I’m bringing the Jiffy!

Obviously, Izzy Dragon is very Pro-Vaccinations.

McDonalds called out order 867 and I yelled back 5309 and nobody laughed.  Then I felt old and ate my burger in the playground area.

Principal: Your son is being bullied
Me: He needs a sword
Principal: What? No! That would…
Me: *Pulls out a sword*
Principal: Whoa!  Hold on!  I don’t want any problems.
Me: *To son* See what I mean?

John Lennon: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola.
Police Sketch Artist: What?

Okay, that was just bloody awful.

 

I asked my personal trainer to be honest with me.

Me: What will it take for me to develop an athletic body?

Her: Reincarnation.

Blaming 100+ year-old statues of men who died 150+ years ago for our problems today…only highlights the ignorance among us.

If you rearrange the letters of POSTMEN….

They become VERY ANGRY.

Let’s have a moment of silence for all those Americans who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride the stationary bicycle. ~ Earl Blumenauer

Running into a friend at the store…
Friend: “So, I’ve been doing this Keto Diet and I’m training to run a half-marathon.  I feel great.
Me: “I just got $35 worth of Easter candy on sale for like $8.  I feel pretty great, too.”

Physical strength is measured by what we can carry.

Inner strength is measured by what we can bear.

Interesting Confusions:
1. Can you cry underwater?
2. Do fish ever get thirsty?
3. Why don’t birds fall off trees when they sleep?
4. Why is it called a building, when it’s already built?
5. When they say dog food is new and improved, who tastes it?
6. If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
7. Why does round pizza come in square boxes?
8. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of it’s bottle?

Okay, so let’s throw some of these in next…

And we can throw in a couple more of these…

And that my dear friends is that.  Sadly, it was a busy week for me and I’ve run out of time and this needs to be posted so I can go to bed.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

So Tuesday morning, early, 0230 early to be precise, I got up out of bed to use the bathroom, as happens when you get to be an old man, so, I sat up on the edge of the bed, stood up and promptly fell back down.  Luckily, I fell right back on the bed.  So, figuring that I’m just tired, I stood up again.
And fell down again.
This is weird, thinks the dragon.
Third times the charm, I figure and stood up again, but this time I concentrate on JUST STANDING.
Mission accomplished!
So I take a step straight ahead to head to the bathroom and I crash to the right, grabbing ahold of the wall to stay standing.
It’s like I’m VERY drunk, without having drank anything.  It was the weirdest damn thing I have ever gone through in my whole life.  I could not walk in a straight line where I wanted to go.  Like that game, when we were kids, where we put our foreheads on a baseball bat and spun around in a circle and then tried to run.  But, that normally only lasted a couple of seconds.  This went on for hours.
I ended up at Immediate Care and from there to the Emergency Room for almost 12 hours.
“Can you tell us your full name and date of birth?” they said…. for the tenth or twelfth time.
”Yes,” said I.
And they just looked at me quizzically.  It’s not my fault they aren’t asking the correct questions.
They were afraid that I had a heart attack or a stroke or that I was having continuous mini strokes. Even though I told them I had the heart of a 19 year-old, they did an EKG.
“Do you know you have the heart of a 19 year-old?” they said.
”So, I’ve been told.” said I.
So, not a heart attack, moving on we did blood tests, CAT Scans, and finally an MRI on my head.
Two doctors, a Physician’s Assistant, a Nurse Practitioner, and an young male orderly standing in my room, concerned looks on their faces.  This is going to suck, thinks the dragon.
”Everything is perfectly healthy and normal.” They said.
”Except, of course for the whole falling and not walking thing.” said I.
”Yes, yes.  There is that.  We’re going to give you medicine for vertigo.” They said.
”Awesome movie.” said I.
Blank looks and a snicker.  My estimation of the orderly just went way up.
”You’re to take it three times a day.” They said.
”Evenly spaced out throughout the day or just when I feel like it, so long as I get three?” said I.
Another snicker.  I was playing to an audience of one.
Mrs. Dragon says, “Knock it off, Bob.”
The dragon thinks: they’ve been fucking with me for 12 hours and now I’m the one who has to behave?  Life is not fair.
The gaggle of medical professionals, thinking that the show is over, begin to make their way out of the room.  “Here is a script for the medication, follow up with your family doctor, and the orderly will get you to sign the papers and get you checked out.” they said.
”Thank you.” said Mrs. Dragon.
”Okay, let’s get this stuff signed and get you out of here.” says the orderly.  “Can you tell me your full name and date of birth.”
”Yes.” I said.

So, I stayed home today, Wednesday, able to walk a straight line – sort of – but probably not well enough to pass a sobriety test. Hopefully, I’ll be back to work tomorrow, but it’s going to be up to my beloved Mrs. Dragon, also known as the Irish Jail Keeper.  She has made it quite clear that I will pass all her tests before she will allow me to drive myself anywhere.

I should be okay, so long as there is no required dancing or singing.

So, I’ll probably add more to this story later, in the meantime, let’s get the laughter started.

I hate starting new relationships.  I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for 2 months.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding…is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone.”

Mrs. Dragon: My husband calls me the bomb…Not sure if it’s because I’m super sexy, or I might go off at any minute.

Impish Dragon: Yes dear.

If you’re 40+, it’s time to leave them young girls alone and get you a woman who understands the signs of a stroke.

Dang!  What are you trying to say, Stephanie!?

Scientist: Dick bug

Other Scientist: No

Scientist: Penis beetle

Other Scientist: No

Scientist: Cock roach

Other Scientist: Okay, sure

Just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered that the fee doesn’t include a driver.

Can’t believe I spent all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it.

Don’t blame me…I just repeat them.

Let’s finish off the  political stuff with this great picture…

Well, tomorrow is Easter and it wouldn’t be proper to not share some or our favorite Easter funnies.  Let’s start with a cartoon and then a joke from Papa Dragon Most Senior.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road.  He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately
The rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.  She steps out of the car and asks the man
what’s wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.”

The blonde says, “Don’t worry.”

She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.  She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished.  He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can?  What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?”

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..

(Are you ready for this?)

(Are you sure?)

(Last chance)

(Okay, here it is)

It says,

“Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”

Happy Easter!!!

I’m so fricking bored!  I’m thinking about knocking on a Jehovah’s Witnesses door and telling them about the power of weed!

Okay, so those were all pretty bad.  Sorry.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?  Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Test drove a jaguar today.  Very fast, but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off.  And I’m pretty sure he tried to bite me.

And that’s it for this week.  Have a great day and until we meet again.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Still here and still hate it!!!!!!!

The amount of money I’ve spent trying to fix this laptop cheaply I probably could’ve bought a new one. 

Getting worse. And I’m getting more frustrated with it every week.

Oh well, it could be worse I suppose.

The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in place.

Following a tragic shipwreck in the Mediterranean, the body of an attractive young woman was washed up on the beach near St. Tropez.
The gendarme who came across it during his rounds went off to contact the coroner’s office, and when he came back, he was horrified to find his best friend on top of the corpse, going at is as hard as he could.
“Pierre, Pierre!” shouted the gendarme. “That woman — she is dead!”
“Dead!” howled Pierre jumping up. “Sacre bleu – I took her for an American!”

“I taught sex education in the South Bronx, and as a sixth-grade teacher I was told to answer all their sex questions. One kid asked, ‘Is there any part of the woman’s body known as the Volvo?’

Which I thought was a good question. I said, ‘Only on Swedish women.'”

I got married,” said the first tavern regular, “so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.” The other regular replied, “that’s strange; cuz that’s the reason why I got divorced!”

Letter to my BOSS

I have enjoyed working here these past several years.  You have paid me very well and given me benefits beyond belief.  Have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and then pay my estate one year salary death bonus and then continue to pay my spouse my salary with increases until she or he dies, and a health plan that most people can only dream of having. Despite this, I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.  During this time, I will show up for work when it is convenient for me.  And in addition, I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job

Oh yes, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be coming back with no loss in pay or status.  Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in this matter.  I can, and I will do this.

Sincerely

Every Senator or Congressman running for President in 2020

Are we stupid or what?

When you truly don’t care when or what anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.

WATER IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELEMENT ON EARTH
Without it, there is no coffee
Without coffee, everyone dies

 

THE RAZOR BLADE IS SHARP, but can’t cut a tree.
THE AXE IS STRONG, but can’t cut hair.
Everyone is important according to their own unique purpose…
NEVER look down on anyone unless you are admiring their shoes.

Answering the phone with, “Sheriff’s Department, Fraud Division” sure has slowed down the telemarketer calls.

For us dragons, that’s not hoarding, that’s just furniture.

You never know what I have up my sleeve.

Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.

“Seize the moment.  Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.” ~ Erma Bombeck

I’ve gotten quite good at ventriloquism, lately.  Scared the shit out of my gynecologist today…

I hate it when the voices in my head go silent…I never know what those fuckers are planning.

I had my patience tested.
I’m negative.

I actually have a set of these measuring spoons.  Yes, there are actually accurate measurements.

Someone offered me grapes, but I declined.  I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.

Does anyone know which page of the bible explains how to turn water into wine?
Asking for a friend.

So how many salads cancel out a pan of fudge with a side of hot chocolate?
Asking for a friend.

FEDERAL AUTHORITIES RULE THAT YOU CAN NOT BE PRESCRIBED MEDICAL MARIJUANA IF YOU ARE TAKING LAXATIVES.

Apparently, you need to either shit or get off the pot.

Don’t piss off old people.  The older we get, the less “Life In Prison” is a deterrent.

And we gots to have some of these…

THINGS THAT HALLMARK CARDS DON’T SAY
//////////////////////////////////////
My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire….
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
“What the hell was I thinking?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I‘ve always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..
I’ve changed my mind.
————————————– —————————————-
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life..
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
That you’re not here to ruin it for me.
####################################################
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go..
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You’ll probably need it again.
********************************************************************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky , West Virginia & South Dakota )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When we were together,
you always said you’d die for me.
Now that we’ve broken up,
I think it’s time you kept your promise.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let’s say we stop?
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I‘m so miserable without you
it’s almost like you’re here.
=====================================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.
So we’re having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter’s a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it’s really good pay.

We need to have a “Bring Your Wine To Work Day”

And that is it for today my friends.  Until next time.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon