Dragon Laffs #1685

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Good Morning Campers,

Surprise!

Guess who got sent home to telework?  Little ole me.  So, I’m not under house-arrest or quarantine or anything like that, but starting tomorrow, which for you guys will be today, the day you are reading this, I am teleworking or working from home.  So, I thought I’d give you a little surprise.  I started this issue on Sunday, since I thought I’d be really busy this week, I cranked it out and got most of it done, but then on Monday… today for me, yesterday for you, the base went to maximum telework and since I live very close, it was decided I could work from home and if I needed to go in, I could be there soon enough.  So, that means that while I’m working, I can also keep you guys updated.

Now, I want to make it perfectly clear that I will NOT be working on this on government time!  What it means is that while I’m waiting for a space on the network, since there are SO MANY of us who will be doing this I’m liable to have some down time, that I can spend with you guys AND since I will only be taking 8 hours a day, but I will be monitoring the situation closer to 12 to 14 hours a day and taking phone calls 24 hours a day, I feel it is okay if I spend a little time with you all.

So, I can give you a day by day of what is going on and a few jokes and laughs thrown in as well and you guys can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com and let me know how you’re doing as well.

Sound like a plan?

Works for me.

So, for now, enjoy today’s issue and the one you get tomorrow will have my first day of working from home.

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Do you remember, before the internet, that it was thought that the cause of collective human stupidity was the lack of access to information?

Well … it wasn’t that.

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They said a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.

They lied, everybody else had clothes on.

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For those of you who STILL don’t believe the media is manipulating you….401

Lying liars that lie.

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Mail Call 1

Today is Sunday, the day after the last issue went out.  My first real day off in …. hell, I can’t even remember.  So, I started the next issue, because talking with you guys is the best thing that I have to do and it helps take my mind off other things.

And I thought I share a comment I got from Leah, since I don’t know whether many of you go and read the comments that are left for me.  It’s a peek inside what she is going through right now:

Leah D commented on Dragon Laffs #1684

Good Morning Campers, Okay, grab your morning drink of choice, mine, this morning, is coffee, liberally laced with Jameson …

I shop sales, and when I buy a sale item, I buy LOTS of it. So I had food and TP to survive. I have been making up care packages for my grandkids. I leave it on the front porch, because my husband and I are in that group: Old (in our 70’s) and have issues that compromise my lungs, so we want zero contact with anyone who is moving around, out there in the world.
We did go out one day to the pharmacy, and people were good about no contact. I got everything I needed, except for Vicks. I paid their higher price for things like computer paper, and even bought cat food there.
The shelves were empty in Salt Lake City in one day! We also went to the special 7 am to 8 am shopping for seniors at our grocery store. We got what we needed, and picked up some items grandkids had on their list. My grandkids have been so good to buy us stuff they find on their almost daily shopping trips. They have to go often to get everything they need, that I don’t have on my shelves, because all too often it is all gone before they get to that aisle. I put alcohol in a spray bottle, and spray everything that comes into this house.
Where I live, and most of my family, is in one of two hot spots for the virus. So after out two trips out, we went under total quarantine.
THEN WE HAD AN EARTHQUAKE! Wouldn’t you know, the epicenter is right where the corona hot spot is. I had slept in that morning, so was in my bed at 7:00 am when it hit. It threw me around so bad, when I could finally get up, my back was so bad I could hardly walk! The aftershocks are so nerve wracking! It’s a terrible time to be quarantined!
Thank goodness I have my computer, and the internet, and great friends like you to spend the hours with.

Thanks Leah, I too am in “that group” being an ancient blue dragon with arthritis and other crap, but damn, girl!  An earthquake on top of the virus!  That’s just wrong, in so many ways!  Keep letting your grandkids bring you stuff, keep spraying that stuff off when it comes in your door, cause we all know that the virus lives a long time on surfaces, and then go wash your hands!

And as for the rest of you, I WANT to hear your stories and I want to share your stories here, if you’ll let me.  Write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and tell me how you’re dealing or just ask me questions.  Chances are that if you have a question, someone else does, too.  And I’m not saying that I’m an expert.  Not by any stretch of the imagination, but I do have some training that most people don’t, and I do promise that I will do my very best to get you an answer.

So…. let’s do some more laughing.

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I want to do archery in Mexico, but I didn’t habanero.

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Have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn?

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Noah only took two of everything when he went on the ark.  Try and remember that when you go shopping.

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If your mother is over 60 years-old and wants to go out, forbid her!

If she complains saying everyone is going out, you tell her, “You’re not everyone!”

Payback time!

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Go ahead.  Stupidity SHOULD hurt.

FIRST TIME IN HISTORY
We can save the human race by
laying in front of the T.V. and
doing nothing.
LET’S NOT SCREW THIS UP!

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I wonder …

I’m beginning to think my best shot at fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

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Motivational

Book worm

Boom Headshot

Booty2

Born to be wild

Bottled_Water

Bowing

bowling

Boyfriend

boys

Brainstorm

Branches

Brass Knuckle Coffee Cup

I really need one of those.

Bravado

brave_girl

No shit!  She sure as hell is braver than I am!!!

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God Food 1

Definition: One of the few foods you will be able to get in heaven because it is so good…like certain pizzas and lasagna.

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If you don’t know what this is, here’s a closer look:

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If you still don’t recognize the delectable Taylor Porkroll and egg sandwich with cheese on a hardroll…then all I can tell you is…that it’s a Jersey thing!  And you’ll get to try it when you get to Heaven.

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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

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Okay… wait….what? NO!

Interviewer: So tell me about yourself.
Me: I’d rather not.  I kinda want this job.

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I had my patience tested … I’m negative.

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If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

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I finally got eight hours of sleep.  It took me three days, but whatever.

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I hate when a couple argues in public and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

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And that is your element of surprise for today.  Hopefully there will be more surprises in your week ahead as I’m locked away at home and have a little time to share with you guys as I telework while the network is down.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1684

Conceptual illustration of the coronavirus as if it were observed from a microscope. Recently it was discovered in china and its outbreak is feared by the authorities.

Good Morning Campers,

0Okay, grab your morning drink of choice, mine, this morning, is coffee, liberally laced with Jameson fine Irish Whiskey, because I have had a week that has had more in common with a week spent in the fiery pits of Hell being tortured by Satan’s minions while having to listen to both of my ex-wives extoll my many imperfections while standing on Legos in bare feet.  
Okay?  So, let’s talk. 
It’s bad.
It’s pretty bad.
But, that is not an excuse for you to act like an idiot.
First of all, I’d like to ask one question, the three main symptoms of the COVID-19 virus are dry cough, fever, and difficulty breathing…so why the hell is everyone hoarding toilet paper?
If we’re worried about being quarantined for any length of time, why aren’t we hoarding food?  YOU CAN’T EAT TOILET PAPER!!!
Like I said …. it’s bad.  And it’s going to get worse… A LOT WORSE!  Prepare yourselves.  The most important thing you can do is to stay home as much as you can.  If you have to go to work, then go to work and come back home.  Don’t go out, don’t go to your friends house, don’t go to the store except to get essentials and when you do, stay as far away from other people as you can.  STAY HOME.

In the mean time, I will be as irreverently funny as I can.  Yes, I am going to poke fun at the Coronavirus.  No, that doesn’t mean I think it’s a laughing matter.  Quite the opposite.  Life I’ve said before.  This is what I do for a living.  Anyone who has any serious questions can feel free to email me and I will do my very best to answer them.  When I tell you it is going to get really bad, trust me, it is going to get really bad, BUT(!!!!!!!) we can all get through this.

Keep yourselves safe.
Keep your families safe.
Stay home.
Stay clean.
Don’t go to work sick.
Stay home.
And laugh a little.

Lynn sent this to me and I found it very appropriate:

Ships don’t sink because of the water around them.
Ships sink because of the water that gets inside of them.
Moral of the story, don’t let what is happening around you, get inside of you and weigh you down.

And with that, I’m sure I’ll check back in throughout this issue.  Not sure how long it will be because I’m not sure how much time I’ll have, but for now …

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And who says the public servants aren’t taking advantage of a bad situation.

We are about 3 weeks away from knowing everyone’s true hair color!

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Oh shit!

Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house… It Worked!  The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked.

It sure works for me!

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Home schooling going well…
Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

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Well, that’s comforting.

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Not counting on it…

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Another one of those that you younger folks won’t get.

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Wow!  Bars, Clubs, and Gyms all closed???  My life is about to seriously be exactly the same!

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Our cleaning lady just called and told us she will be working from home and will send us instructions on what to do.

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My foot just got run over by a rental car…

It Hertz

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Yes, yes they do….Him Diaman!

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Actually, due to my job, I have a suit, quite similar to this, and I want very badly to tape a sock to someone’s back and chase them while screaming, “23-19!  We’ve got a 23-19!”  Just to see if anyone gets it and to lighten people the fuck up!

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Our Indiana Governor just closed all the schools until at least May 1st … imagine all the parents going through this daily now.

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I could make that kid an awesome Emergency Manager!

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You know there were Little Ho’s on the Prairie

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I know each of you know someone like this.

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Yup, that perfectly describes my month so far.

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Hey bartender, let me get 3 shots of Grey Goose … or is it Grey Geese?  Fuck it, let me get a flock of Vodka!

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They say, “Do what you love and money will follow.” So, I ate a cheesecake and drank some wine …
Now I wait.

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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

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Please use protection.  I can’t afford to go to 38 baby showers in December because you all got bored.

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Aww, come on!  You know it’s next!

The panic, market crash, and toilet paper hoarding over COVID-19 is a good indicator of why the public can never be told what’s really going on in Area 51.

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Yeah, that would do it.

And to all you cat lovers out there…I’m really sorry for this next one, but I’ll be real honest with you…I laughed like hell!

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Yes, we’ve poked an awful lot of fun at the Coronavirus and if that upsets you, well then I’m sorry.  But, human beings have proven a long, long time ago that the best way to fight against something that they are afraid of is to laugh at it.  And we’re not going to be dumbasses, like the kids on the beaches in Florida who are disregarding all the instructions to leave and partying anyway (I swear to God, if my kid were there I’d drive down there, grab him or her by the friggin’ ear, beat them about the head and shoulders with a wooden spoon, and drag them off the beach like the spoiled rotten, unthinking, inconsiderate, self-centered, orc-brained, mouth breathing, cross-eyed, tik-tok using, toe nail fungus nibbling, snot-nosed, BRATTY SNOWFLAKE that they are!  I’d get someone to video tape it and put it all over their Facebook page and then tell all the rest of the worthless friggin’ parents to go down there and get their worthless friggin’ kids, too!) (And if THAT upsets you, then too damn bad.  Those worthless pieces of humanity won’t suffer, but at some point in time, they will come back and give the virus to a mother, father, or someone else who IS at risk and that person is going to die.  WE HAVE TO STAY AT HOME IN ORDER TO FLATTEN OUT THE INFECTION CURVE OR THERE WON’T BE ENOUGH HOSPITAL BEDS AND LIFE SAVING EQUIPMENT AVAILABLE WHEN IT’S NEEDED!!!!)  Okay, let me kick that soapbox back under the counter ….

ahem … where was I?

Oh yeah, laughing at our fear….

And that’s what we do here at Dragon Laffs!  That’s why we are poking fun at the Corona Virus, because if we didn’t, then all we’d get are rants by AN ANGRY FUCKING DRAGON!

And nobody wants that, now do we?

On with the show!

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motivational3

Blondes

bloods vs crips

Blow Dry

Particularly appropriate now with the scarcity of toilet paper

blowing up cars

Blue Screen of Death

Bob Weir

Bodybuilding

Bold Statements

Bomb Squad

If there is ever a thing on this wonderful earth that can take a man’s mind off a horrible situation it’s …

Boobs

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Boobs3

Boobs4

Boobs5

Boobs6

I’m sure there’s probably a female equivalent … but being a man … I can’t hardly imagine what it is.  Especially now when my mind isn’t working real well anyway. 
What is it we were talking about?

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And this next one if from Brother Owl…

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Makes perfect sense to me!

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Okay folks, that’s it for today…. can’t do anymore.  Ran out of time and I still have work to do before I can sleep.

Be well, stay safe.  Stay home!

Love you all.

Write to me and let me know how you all are doing.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1683 Can we all just take a breath

Conceptual illustration of the coronavirus as if it were observed from a microscope. Recently it was discovered in china and its outbreak is feared by the authorities.

Good Morning Campers,

And it is a good morning.  I know, to an awful lot of you, it may not seem that way.  I know a lot of you are scared, but can we all just take a minute, take a breath and think about things.

First of all, I’m not a doctor, although I do have some medical training.  I’m not a microbiologist, although I have training in that field as well.  What I am is a military CBRN Survival Instructor, an Emergency Manager, and this is what I do for a living.  CBRN is Chemical, Biological, Radiological, and Nuclear and in an nutshell I teach military members how to stay alive in really crappy environments and what a civilian Emergency Manager does in the civilian community, I do in the military world.

Now…everyone…grab a cup of coffee and sit down, we have some stuff to talk about.  First of all, should we be concerned? 
Yes.
Should we be worried?
Depending on your circumstances, maybe somewhat.
Should we be panicking in the streets and buying up all the water and toilet paper?
Of course not!

The coronavirus or COVID-19 is a virus, like the flu, and like the flu it is going to affect those among us with weaker immune systems.  The elderly (they say those of us over 60 and that REALLY pissed me off to find out that I was now considered elderly, why I oughta kick your punk ass!!!) and those with compromised immune systems due to underlying problems especially those involving the lungs or breathing.  It is easily transmitted by coughing, sneezing, or touching the sputum of someone who has coughed or sneezed.  People can be carriers and not know they have it or have such very slight symptoms they don’t know they have it, especially kids who don’t seem to be as affected as with the flu.

So, now the question becomes, what can you do?  Well, it’s actually pretty easy.  First and foremost, and what seems to be the hardest for the largest amount of people, most of whom seem to be democrats … and I say that because they all seem so intent on politicizing this whole thing … the number one most important thing is

DON’T BE A DUMB-ASS!!!!

STOP PERPETUATING THE MADNESS!!!!

If it is transmitted by being sneezed or coughed on, don’t be in a place where you can be sneezed or coughed on!  In other words, if you don’t have to be out, DON’T BE OUT.  Stay home.  Telework if you can.  Talk to your boss about it.  Don’t go to the bar, to the movies, to church (I know how hard that last one will be for some of you and I understand), to concerts … STAY HOME.

Secondly, if you feel sick…DON’T GO OUT!  Don’t go to work.  I don’t care if you don’t have any sick time, if your boss tells you otherwise, if you can’t afford it, or any other excuse.  It will work out in the end.

Be unsociable, stay home, keep your family home.  There are some trips you will have to take, make them as quick as you can.  Don’t shake hands.  Wash your hands… A LOT!!!

Schools are closing…that’s a good thing.  Sports events are being canceled, that’s a good thing.  A virus needs a host.  If it doesn’t have one, it will die off. 

If you have a job where you don’t come into contact with a bunch of people all day, then use your best judgment.  The idea is that you should limit contact with other people as much as you can, if you feel sick stay home.  If you have flu like symptoms, and a fever, call your doctor and follow his/her instructions.  If you fit the profile, they may have you go to a particular location to get tested.  Some states it’s the health department, so it’s the local hospital.

But most of all…don’t panic!  Don’t freak out!  Don’t perpetuate the madness!

Okay, that’s it for now….I’m sure I’ll think of more later.  It’s 2 pm on Friday, it’s the first minute I’ve had to myself all week…hell, for the past two or three weeks, I’ve lost track, so I want to put some laughter out there for you guys before I run out of time.  So, let’s do this!

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There were two Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in high school. They took their vows to enter the priesthood early in college and upon graduation became priests. Their careers had come to amaze the world, but it was generally acknowledged that Antonio was just a cut above Timothy in all respects. Their rise through the ranks of Bishop, Archbishop and finally Cardinal was meteoric to say the least, and the Catholic world knew that when the present Pope died, it would be either Timothy or Antonio who would become the next Pope.

In time the Pope did die, and the College of Cardinals went to work. In less time than anyone had expected, smoke rose from the chimney, and the world waited to see who they had chosen. The world, Catholic, Protestant, and secular was surprised to learn that Timothy Murphy had been elected Pope! Antonio was beyond surprise, he was devastated, because even with all Timothy’s gifts, Antonio knew he was the better qualified. With gall that shocked the Cardinals, Antonio asked for a private session with them in which he candidly asked, “Why Timothy”?

After a long silence, one old Cardinal took pity on the bewildered Antonio and rose to reply, “We knew you were the better of the two, but we just could not bear the thought of the leader of the Roman Catholic Church being called `Pope Secola’.”

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I got so drunk last night, I walked across the dance floor to get another drink and won the dance contest.

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00e

And stay home!

Just got an update from our county nurse and health department… Shows what our county is doing and what their recommendations are:

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And I’ve been getting stuff like this a lot, also.  Not horrible information and worth reading, but a little over the top …. I’ll add my comments in as we go through it.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT – CORONAVIRUS

Last evening dining out with friends, one of their uncles, who’s graduated with a master’s degree and who worked in Shenzhen Hospital (Guangdong Province, China) sent him the following notes on Coronavirus for guidance:

1. If you have a runny nose and sputum, you have a common cold


2. Coronavirus pneumonia is a dry cough with no runny nose.  (Not necessarily true)


3. This new virus is not heat-resistant and will be killed by a temperature of just 26/27 degrees. It hates the Sun.


4. If someone sneezes with it, it takes about 10 feet before it drops to the ground and is no longer airborne.


5. If it drops on a metal surface it will live for at least 12 hours – so if you come into contact with any metal surface – wash your hands as soon as you can with a bacterial soap.  (Again, not necessarily true.  It has more to do with temperature and environment rather than just on whether it’s a metal surface)


6. On fabric it can survive for 6-12 hours. Normal laundry detergent will kill it. (See the answer to #5.)


7. Drinking warm water is effective for all viruses. Try not to drink liquids with ice.


8. Wash your hands frequently as the virus can only live on your hands for 5-10 minutes, but – a lot can happen during that time – you can rub your eyes, pick your nose unwittingly and so on.


9. You should also gargle as a prevention. A simple solution of salt in warm water will suffice.

10 Can’t emphasize enough – drink plenty of water! (Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate)


THE SYMPTOMS

1. It will first infect the throat, so you’ll have a sore throat lasting 3/4 days


2. The virus then blends into a nasal fluid that enters the trachea and then the lungs, causing pneumonia. This takes about 5/6 days further.


3. With the pneumonia comes high fever and difficulty in breathing.


4. The nasal congestion is not like the normal kind. You feel like you’re drowning. It’s imperative you then seek immediate attention.

SPREAD THE WORD – PLEASE SHARE.

And I have gotten stuff like that from different places all over the world.  That one was from Lynn and it was a good one.  Thanks Lynn.

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Creativity is intelligence having fun. ~ Albert Einstein

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And here’s another one with really good advice:

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Stuck in line at Walmart.  I coughed and said, “This cough has gotten worse since I got back from China!”  Boom!  No line.

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Remember to double check lawn signs during the election primaries.  I almost voted for a real estate agent.

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00h

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I need a new friend.

The last one escaped.

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The Coronavirus can be spread through money.  If you have any money at home, put on some gloves, put all your money in a plastic bag, and put it outside your front door tonight.  I’ll be collecting all the plastic bags for your safety. 
Think of your health.
I just want you to be well.  God bless you.

The World Health Organization said that the virus won’t spread through any brown coins so you can hold on to those.

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00i

A lot of you aren’t going to get that one.

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Them: What inspires you to get out of bed every morning?

Me: My bladder mostly.

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I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink.

Turns out it was the refrigerator.

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There are two ways of arguing with a woman.

Neither one works.

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My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last.  Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant and have a little wine and good food.  She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

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Exercise makes you look better naked.

So does alcohol

… your choice.

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If you don’t swear while driving –

You aren’t paying enough attention to the road.

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If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything:

Stamps = Lickie Stickie
Defibrillators = Hearty Starty
Bumble Bees = Fuzzy Buzzy
Pregnancy Tests = Maybe Baby
Bra = Breastie Nestie
Fork = Stabby Grabby
Socks = Feetie Heatie
Hippo = Floatie Bloatie
Nightmare = Screamy Dreamy

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Question: If you mixed Vodka with orange juice and Milk of Magnesia, would you get a Phillips Screwdriver?

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Billion Dollar Idea: A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell, “I’m just cooking, here!”

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Birthday Cake

Birthday Presents

bitch please

bitch slap

Bitch

black friday

Black People

Blackout

Blade

blame

Blasphemy

Blind Date

Blogging

Blonde

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Think about it….

It’s so hard being a drunk teenager when you’re in your 40’s …. or in my case your 60s.

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Sorry boss…you can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.  It can’t be both.

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And that’s it my friends.  I have to go.  I just got called back into work.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

No issue this week

I’m sorry.

Due to circumstances way beyond my control, there won’t be an issue this week.  It has been crazy at work.  I’ve been working 12 hour shifts and will probably continue to do so for the foreseeable future.  Those of you who know what I do for a living and know what’s going on in the world can put two and two together and can probably figure out what’s going on, but it’s not anything that I can talk about here, but know that I will get back with all of you great people as soon as I can.

On the brighter side, I can see again.

Love you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1682

Header1682

Good Morning Campers,

Well, my second surgery is this week, so I’ve got to try and get this episode up and ready before hand.  So, I’m working on it early to try and get it complete before I go in on Wednesday…since I won’t be able to see after that for a few days…so without further ado, let’s do this!

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My neighbor’s diary says that I have “boundary issues.”

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Imagine if you will…

…an atheist stuck at a green light behind a car with a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.

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Got my test results back today…NEGATIVE!  Phew!

What is IQ, anyway?

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If I owned a Taser I’d probably get curious to see how it feels and Taser myself, and that’s why I don’t have a Taser.

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The other day I yelled into a colander and strained my voice.

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Today’s episode of Politically Incorrect is short, but is subtitled “Do The Math, Morons!”

4.jpg

4b

4c

That’s called Democratic Math.  Also known as Socialist Math and in some parts of the world, Communist Math.

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Best_Friends

Bestiality

Betty White

Betty White2

Beware

Bicycle Cops

Big prizes

bigbang

Bill Stickers

Billiards

Binception

Birds

Birth Control Pills

Birth Control

Birth Control1

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I want to live here so much!!!

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Three words – Tie – down – straps!

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NO SHIT!!!  Why is this not on the menu, ANYWHERE!?!?  Why isn’t this a thing, somewhere?  I just asked Mrs. Dragon about this and her response was, “Yeah, I’ve known about this for years.”  And then wouldn’t say anything else.  The only thing I can conclude is that it’s a woman’s secret…something they serve only at their meetings.  Now, I’ve let the secret slip.  Now I’m scared…really, really scared.

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As a former 911 dispatcher…this wouldn’t have even made my top 10

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Working for the Government, and dealing with OSHA and stupid regulations every day, I have to say that this one made me laugh so hard that tears rolled down my cheeks for a good five minutes straight.  Mrs. Dragon thought I was crazy…and I probably am.

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And that’s going to do it for this issue.

I know it’s a short one, but I hope you all got a bit of a laugh.  I’ll try and check in and let you know how my surgery went.

Love you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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