Leprechaun Laughs # 382 for March 8th 2017

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[The train is made completely of/from Ice and Snow. My understanding is that you can actually enter certain portions of it]

Good morning.

I have one housekeeping announcement before moving right to the issue as I am excessively swamped as a result of several kicks in the teeth and head from 2017 the latest being the loss of all Internet related services for 36 hours last Friday & Saturday. As a result I am almost an entire week behind now on my business.

This year’s St. Patrick’s Day issue will likely be greatly curtailed since it isn’t nearly as close to my regular posting day as it has been the past several years.

Honestly as a result of several major personal events in my life in recent weeks and their on going aftermath, as well as a death in my family on the 17th of March last year, I find myself without the enthusiasm for or will to make the extra time required to put out a special issue for a day that has no real bearing on or serious meaning for most of you.

Speaking of issues, enough seriousness already, lets get this one started.

Let's Roll 26

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I’ll have a double of what the deceased had please!

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What’s coffee w/o doughnuts?

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Top to Bottom:

Oreo Donut: (white frosting filling w/ chocolate crumbles on top)

Nutella Cream: (Bavarian cream filling Nutella and crush hazel nuts)

S’mores Doughnut: (Old fashion Doughnut with Dark Chocolate dip mini marshmallows & graham cracker crumbles)

DAMN! It’s been so long since I posted food I totally forgot to have Ginny and her weak knees secured beforehand. Someone please help her up off the floor.

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Dats Just Cool

Almost too darn beautiful to contemplate using!

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I could have used a set up like this more than once in my life!

Want that

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Wait for it, if you watch long enough you’ll see it as it comes by.

watch for it

Stationary

The distinguished-looking elderly man asked at the department store information kiosk where he might purchase some personal stationery.

He was directed to the notions department on the third floor, but in the crowded elevator he became confused and got off on the fourth floor by mistake.
Approaching the attractive floor manager standing near the elevator doors, he said, “Excuse me, Miss, but do you have notions?”
“Sure,” she replied mischievously, “but during the work week I try to suppress them until after five o’clock.”
“No, no, you don’t understand,” he stammered. “I mean to say, do you keep stationery?”

 

HELL NO 3

OH HELLS NO! THAT is NEVER going to happen! EWWWW!

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As long as we’re being “potty minded” for a moment…

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Speaking of toilets and OH HELLS NO! This seems like the right place for this next bit…

There are important questions to be answered about recent LGBT bathroom legislation and whether transgender people will be permitted to use a restroom of the gender that they “identify” with or be required to use the restroom of their biological gender.

If the latter, will public restrooms be required to have a Genital Inspection Station posted at the entrance to all public restrooms?

Who will have to pay these Pecker Checkers, the people using the restroom, or the entity that owns the restroom?

And how much money will a Pecker Checker be paid to check peckers?

Or, do we pay a Pecker Checker by the number of peckers checked?

How many peckers can a Pecker Checker check if a Pecker Checker could check peckers?

What has this country come to when the U.S. Department of Labor has to create a new job description of Politically Correct Restroom Service Inspectors?

Want to guess their motto ?

“If You gotta pee – We gotta see!”

I hear the TSA while this issue technically has no bearing on travel is angling to be in charge of the checking given their vast experience in genital groping at airports.

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Who knew there were people you could hire for help with this?

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Somehow this next one just seemed to belong right after this one. I don’t know why.

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Joining a Biker Club

A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local bikers club.

One day she goes up and knocks on a biker’s door. A big hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
“She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain criteria biker requirements in order to join the club. The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, my bike’s parked over there,” and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, “Do you drink?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, drink like a fish…beer mostly, whiskey when I’m shooting pool. I’ll drink everyone in your club under the table.”
The biker is surprised but then asks, “Do you smoke?”
The little old lady replies, “Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I’m drinking whiskey and shooting pool.”
The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz…?”
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope, but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times……”

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A jumbo jet is making its final approach to Tampa Airport ..

The pilot comes on the intercom, ‘This is your Captain…

We’re on our final descent into Tampa I want to thank you for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay in the Tampa Bay area’.

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.

The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot,

‘So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we’re in Tampa ?’

‘Well,’ says the skipper, ‘first I’m gonna check into the hotel, take a big crap….then I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the big boobs out for dinner…. I’m gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long.’

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot’s talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane.

She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: ‘No need to hurry, dear.  He’s gotta land the plane and take a crap first.’

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Old Timers Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, ‘Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?  We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.’

‘Yes’, she says, ‘I remember it well.’

‘OK,’ he says, ‘How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?’ 

‘Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!’ ;

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation, and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, ‘I’ve got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence.  I’ll just keep an eye on them so there’s no trouble.’ 

So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks.  Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.  As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.  This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.  Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed.  He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and put their clothes back on.  The policeman is still watching.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, ‘Excuse me, but that was something else.  You must’ve had a fantastic sex life together.  Is there some sort of secret to this?’

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, ‘Fifty years ago that wasn’t an electric fence.’

Jerry Lee Lewis – “Whole Lotta Shakin’ Goin On”

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 5 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1529

Dragon Laffs3
campers

Well, it looks like my surgery is going to be further down the road than I thought, even further than I was afraid it was going to be.  Mostly it has to do with insurance issues…have I mentioned how much I hate insurance companies?

I have?  Are you sure?  Okay, then there’s no need to go on…

Anyway, I’ve had my meds changed, and that has not been a good thing.  I am NOT going to get into the problems but I only mention it to say that today’s issue is not up to my usual standards and I apologize for that.  Trust me when I say, I’m doing the best I can. So, without further ado…

Let's Laugh

This is a GREAT prank!  I want to try it and I’d love it if some of you tried it, too.  Let me know how it works out.

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And now, how about some points to ponder…

I used to eat natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going?   (taxes)
What disease did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up crying like every two hours?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
 
If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
 
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
 
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
 
Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
 
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
 
 
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

 

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What harm indeed.

Speaking of harm, this is one of the funniest jokes I’ve ever heard.  And it’s all about harm.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for my insurance claim. In block number 3 of the accident claim form I wrote, “trying to do the job alone” as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain that statement more fully. I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of bricks left over. Rather than carrying the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth-floor level. Securing, the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back down to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note in block number 22 of the claim form that my weight is 150 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded up the side of the building at a very rapid rate of speed. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

By this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel then weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to the information in block number 22 regarding my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. This second encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope, so it proceeded at a rapid decent down the side of the building, landing on and breaking both of my legs.

I hope I have furnished information sufficient to explain why “trying to do the job alone” was the stated cause of the accident.

Sincerely,

A Bricklayer


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Dragon Pix33

You gotta love videos of GIs reuniting with their families when they come back from being deployed.  Brave men and women coming home from really crappy places where they had to do really crappy things and they get home and act like little kids themselves when it comes to their families.

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Fantasy Pix

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More of our security personnel.  You don’t want to know how this one works.  Trust me.

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critter

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I swear, this looks just like I feel every single morning.

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I have been this drunk.  Several times.  I’m not proud of it, but there it is.

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9s

This is not just a dragon quip….it’s the honest truth.  And this week, with the new medicine messing with me and a huge, very important inspection team on base giving us the business every single day, and going to be here watching me teach all weekend…this very well could happen by the time you’re reading this.

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motivational

MonstersMoon walkingMoon

Moral High GroundMoralemorans

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That’s a GREAT excuse!  I’m going to use that one myself!

What a cool video.  I love stuff like this and it’s presented very well.

 

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Politics

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last word

Okay, this may not be the best venue for this, but there are some things I have to say.  Lethal Leprechaun is my brother.  That doesn’t really mean what it says.  I have brothers who I love with all my heart, that I would go to the ends of the earth for.  Both of my brothers who are still alive have done just that for me.  They’ve both been there when I needed them most and they both would do it again.

No, when I say that Lethal is my brother, you have to understand what that means.  Your family is your family because they are blood.  I am extraordinarily lucky in the fact that I got good ones.  I know many people who don’t have it that way.  Their love for their family is there because they have to be. 

Lethal Leprechaun is my brother because we think the same way about things, we’d like to handle problems the same way, but since words like premeditated and blood-splatter-evidence tend to hinder our problem solving abilities, we tend to do it with words and logic and, like I said, we think the same way about things.

We’ve both been through some very similar history, and we suffer through some very similar problems.  We both love our country with a passion bordering on fanaticism and we both find in the other the respect and friendship that, if you are very, very lucky, you might find once in a lifetime.

I know, without a doubt that he has my back in all things, and I know, that if I called and said I need you, you have to come, he’d be on the next plane.

Somehow, I’ve given my brother the impression that I don’t have his back in all things, that I don’t have his (and by extension, Molly’s) six, that if he called, that I might not be there.  Something that I thought was completely understandably funny (you might notice that we tend to pick at each other a little bit.  Guys do that.  It tends to freak our females out sometimes) apparently wasn’t as funny as I thought it was. 

He has been there for me and I haven’t been there for him. 

I have no idea how else to solve this misunderstanding, hence, today’s Last Word. 

Now, my head is both wrapped in cotton and pounding like a friggin’ freight train.  I have to not only teach two classes this weekend, but do it on bum sticks and in front of inspectors who have no idea what it is that I do.  So, this issue, mistakes and all, is being posted and I’m for as much sleep as I can get in the next 5 hours.

Be well my friends, until next week.

Cheers.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Leprechaun Laughs # 381 for March 1st 2017

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[Publican is the proper Irish term for the owner/operator of a Public House a.k.a. Pub]

God Day ta ya all.

I’m still heavily involved with cleaning up the chaos & damage to our lives caused by the personal cataclysmic event we suffered here on Presidents Day. Dancing in circle, jumping through hoops and waiting on hold in eternal queue seems to be taking up a lot of my time and robbing me of much of my sense of humor and my wit.  I do believe juggling exploding porcupines would be more enjoyable.

According ta a few, it’s also given me a hair trigger on my large bore foul temper, an indiscriminate aim and in at least one alleged incident a tendency to fire on those who swear innocence &/or good intentions.

As a result I’ve no story or witty opening again this week. If this offends you, too damned bad.  If this disappoints you, again all I can do is offer you my sincere apology.

I hope to have the vast majority of things in our personal lives back to normal by the next issue as well as an improved mood,  frame of mind and far better control of my temper. Otherwise it well maybe my last issue for a while until I’m in a better frame of mind where I no longer feel compelled to walk around dragging my knuckles and feeling hostile 24/7 just to insure our personal safety here at Keebler towers.

Enjoy the issue

Varrom

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In a desperate attempt to keep me from going DEFCON 1 on every would be gangbanger, ghetto monkey and entitlement minded to lazy to earn a living thief I can find w/in a 50 mile radius of our home and Molly’s work place this is my new coffee service.

Just incase any of you are wondering:

1.) the cup reads ‘The Almighty’
2.) Yes, the cream is on tap.
3.) The buns are very very fresh.

I’m mad as Hell and I’m not going to take this anymore

 

Angry American Right or Wrong

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In other words liberals and liberal media-

QUITCHERDAMNEDBITCHIN  ALFREAKINREADY!

LIBERALS- We’ve discussed this. You’re candidate lost as a direct result of all the crap your last one and his sycophant cronies pulled on the WE THE PEOPLE who actually pay for the government to run

to say nothing of those who PROTECT AND DEFEND US.

LIBERAL (B)LAME STREAM MEDIA- THERE A NEW SHERIFF IN TOWN! Trump isn’t about to accept the crap out of you you have been getting away with for far too long. Leave ‘SPIN” to the politicians your job is and always has been UNBIASED RESPONSIBLE REPORTING OF THE UNVARNISHED NEWS.

You work in NEWS MEDIA not some Wall Street DEMOCRATIC PARTY PUBLIC RELATIONS firm. Stop muck farming and go back to reporting the facts not the opinions of those who own you. Every great reporter of the 20th Century has rolled over in their grave in disgust at your behavior and invited you to KISS THEIR ASS.

YOU COULD BE PART OF THE SOLUTION to this countries very serious problems. Instead of doing your job proudly and responsibly you chose to be PART OF THE PROBLEM. Is it any real wonder why half of you are Persona non Grata in Trumps White House? Your saboteurs and hired political assassins with pens instead of bullets.

NO ONE in their right mind invites someone like that into their home and you’re pissed off because Trump isn’t afraid of you and what you might say but instead had the balls to call you on it. You never believed he would because you all think you’re special and above social morality when in truth the only thing special about you is the level of ignorance or callous indifference you show over the damage you are doing to the country.

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As many of you know and fewer of you will remember I own a rather legendary law firm “Dewy, Cheatum & Howe”. Recently after a review of our in house services with an eye on expanding our earnings we decided that buying up specialized ‘niche firms’ made more sense than attempting to expand ourselves. This saves us the time effort and costs associated with developing a feared reputation in those niche law areas.

As a result, I’d like to announce our first acquisition under this philosophy:

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‘Titanic’ actor Bill Paxton dies at 61

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LOS ANGELES >> Bill Paxton, the prolific and charismatic actor whose many memorable roles included an astronaut in “Apollo 13” and a treasure hunter in “Titanic,” has died from complications due to surgery. He was 61.

A family representative issued a statement Sunday on the death but provided no further details.

Paxton, a Fort Worth, Texas, native, appeared in dozens of movies and television shows and seemed to be around when history was made both on and off screen.

As a boy, he was in the crowd that welcomed President John F. Kennedy in Texas on the morning of Nov. 22, 1963, hours before Kennedy was killed in Dallas.

As a young man, he worked in the art department for “B’’ movie king Roger Corman, who helped launch the careers of numerous actors and filmmakers.

Paxton’s movie credits included some of the signature works of the past 40 years, from “Titanic” and “Apollo 13” to “The Terminator and “Aliens.”

“Bill’s passion for the arts was felt by all who knew him,” the family statement reads, “and his warmth and tireless energy were undeniable.”

 

Storyteller

Impish and I in our early days/much younger years when things were simpler, less complicated, way less stressful, we felt much better and there wasn’t a blog to come between us.  I seriously miss those days, but I fear like many things in modern life they may be gone forever.

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Strong with the hot air this one is hmm?

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Well that (plus probably some degree of senility and deafness) sure go a long way towards explaining his peculiar speech mannerisms!

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Waste not want not my Grandda used to always tell me!

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Now you may remember this following bit from last weeks issue. Think hard (I know it hurts do it anyway)

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Well Impish sort of took umbrage at my sharing it with you and rose to his own defense in private to me regarding his love life. I figure in for a penny, in for a pound so here is his response to my posting that:

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Maybe I could have done a better job at explaining it to him. Maybe my explanation was a wee bit too blunt, pointed and harsh. Let’s see if explaining it like this helps-

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Just remember big guy, we’re all laughing with you never at you!

That’s our story and we’re sticking to it.

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Undeniably a serious artistic talent regardless of what you see. Thing is everyone I showed this to saw something different. I saw a werewolf (Think American Werewolf in London transformation scenes). Molly saw a wolf.  Her Aunt said it looked like a lion. Her Uncle said barking dog. What do you see? Let us know in the comments.

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You might remember the following from Impish’s Saturday Issue:

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Hi Guys,

        I need some help. I know quite a bit about anatomy, but, I saw a report on the news and again in the paper that has me a little stumped.  What the hell is a woman’s “Yet”?  In the report they both said the same thing: “A woman was shot and they haven’t been able to get the bullet out of her “Yet”?  Any ideas?

Signed,

Non-anatomical Paul

Now I wear a LOT of hats around here.  Sometimes it sort of makes me seem schizophrenic or confuses readers when I switch out multiple hats in an issue.

Just imagine what it would have been like if I had I answered the above question both as Lethal and as the DL/LL resident Dr. of Quackery in the same issue one right after another!

That why I delayed answering Paul as myself until my issue, also I didn’t want Impish taking any heat for my personal comments or chance he’d not post them for fear of offending someone.

Here now as Lethal himself are my comments on the question:

Paul-

Frankly I’m shocked you even asked this question, as your wife has assured me she is frequently asking you during your most intimate of moments “Is it in YET?”

One would think from that you’d have a firm grasp of the location of a Lady’s YET to say nothing of first hand knowledge of  how small objects (specifically in this instance a bullet, we’ll forego speaking of your personal anatomical specifics out of respect for your manhood card ) might be hard to locate/become lost in that area.

Hopefully helpfully

Lethal

P.S. As with Impish perhaps I was too pointed or a humorous graphical was in order.  If so mayhap this will help you:

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What the hell-  As long as we’re on Adult Subjects and the issue is already in the toilet decorum wise as it were, we might as well continue on and finish out the issue this way. I mean it isn’t like I don’t already know my way to Hell in the Hand Basket Express!

Man v Woman Big O

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And its damned nice too!  Just thought the majority of you men would be wondering. Best thing about it? You’ll never get this reaction or see art like this when in there:

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Think I’m kidding?

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We out! (Drops the keyboard)

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Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1528

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Campers

A lot of you have asked me when my hip surgery is going to be and a lot of you noticed that I wasn’t as verbose last week as I normally am.  Well, they are both connected.

I was hoping to have my surgery on the 6th of March or at worst on the 13th.  Well, as it worked out, because I’ve had so many steroid shots in my back over the last several months trying to find out and fix my pain problem, my blood work came back screwed up and the surgeon said that he wanted to wait a month and test my blood again.  So that puts me out into April at the earliest.

Now, I know that I’ve been dealing with pain for several years now, although never this bad, so what’s another month or so?  But, when you have possible relief in sight for something that’s been going on for years…well, you know what I mean.

But, I’m going to do my very best to pull myself out of the doldrums and put a good face on things and in that vein…
Let's Laugh 2554

I had a joke right here…in this spot…that just disappeared just as Lethal’s Wednesday issue published.  Now, that’s some damn fine magic to make a joke disappear because he had already used it.

Now, why can’t he use that power on politicians?

9r

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dear

Hi Guys,

        I need some help. I know quite a bit about anatomy, but, I saw a report on the news and again in the paper that has me a little stumped.  What the hell is a woman’s “Yet”?  In the report they both said the same thing: “A woman was shot and they haven’t been able to get the bullet out of her “Yet”?  Any ideas?
Signed,
Non-anatomical Paul
Dear Non-anti,
          I’m really surprised that, as a retired Fireman and married to our dear Ginny, that you don’t know what a woman’s “Yet” is.  Have you never seen the cartoon where you eat at the Y?  Here’s an example of one:
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 So, you know what the Y is and the et is just short hand for eat.  So, a woman’s “Yet” is pretty obvious.  And I can understand completely why it would be so difficult to get a bullet out of there, because it’s so damn hard to get in to a woman’s yet under any circumstances.
Signed,
Impish Dragon
Our esteemed Lethal Leprechaun has also honored Paul with an answer to his question…
As the residing Dr. of Quackery for DL/LL Digital Media I am well acquainted with the location of a woman’s Yet.
 
The term they used is a pidgin variation of the colloquialism ‘Yeti’ This refers to the Pubic area hair of certain females whom due to their racial heritage and genetic tendencies are hirsute to the extreme. These women are usually described by
single males while alone as ‘She was as hairy as a damned Yeti’  We’re talking a bush so dense and rough that would give a DR Brushmower pause here.
 
You know the sort, it starts with the line of hair leading down from their navel (oft referred to colloquially as ‘snail tracks’) and suddenly erupts into coverage from hip bone to hip bone and continuing down and around well up their butt cleft and down the inside of their upper thighs as well. In general it tends to be as thick, dense and wiry as the European Hedge Rows that were such a problem for tanks during WWII. Basically you’d have an easier time getting through a field of brambles.  Nothing penetrates, it’s nearly impossible to cut, it laughs at depilatories (Nair) or waxing and if you lose something in it it might well be lost for eternity.
 
Once you know and understand this condition its easy to see why the bullet has yet to be removed as they probably need a metal detector to locate it and several Combat Medics who’ve spent considerable time in South East Asian Jungles (Yets tend to be very humid, damp and swampy just like those jungles) in order to retrieve the bullet, assuming that the lady in questions Yet is of a mind to allow it to be found much less give it up.
 
That’s my Professional Quack’s opinion and I’m sticking to it.
Well, there you have it.  Two professional opinions that gave you the exact same answer from two completely different directions.

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So yes, I changed the wording a little bit but I think it’s a lot more fun this way.

If you’ve ever been associated with airplanes at all, you probably know what a “bird strike” is.  It’s when an aircraft in flight, comes in contact with a bird.  This normally means the bird is swallowed up by the engine which can cause the engine lots of problems.  Up to and including complete destruction.  Aircraft engines are much more delicate than you might think.

Anyway…

I’ve been involved in some bird strikes that would curl your hair.  But I’ve NEVER even heard of anything like this!

15So, if the picture is too small for you to read, I’ve translated it for you here:
Authorities say an American Eagle flight struck a deer while taking off from the Charlotte, North Carolina, international airport, forcing it to turn around and abort a flight to Gulfport, Mississippi.  The Federal Aviation Administration said in a statement that the pilot of Flight 5320 declared an emergency shortly before 1200 EST Wednesday.  American Airlines spokeswoman Katy Cody said the aircraft was leaking fuel as a result of the deer strike.  TV stations showed damage to one of the right front wing flaps of the CR1700 jet, and emergency personnel
sprayed foam on the aircraft as a precaution.  No injuries were reported.  The 44 passengers aboard the flight deplaned by stairs onto the tarmac and were seen boarding buses to return to the terminal.
Well, I wasn’t able to find any video of it happening, but I did find a video of it returning to the airport and the conversation between the pilot and air traffic control.

 

 

2557

Freddy Kruger Lives!!!!!

With Monday being President’s day, this joke is extra-special funny.

          I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”
Without skipping a beat she said, “It’s Presidents Day!”
She’s smart, so I asked her, “What does Presidents Day mean?”  I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, Trump, or even Clinton or one of our more historical Presidents.
She replied, “Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the Whitehouse, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit.”
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

2558

 

Dragon Pix

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I’m not sure if it’s Christmas time or not with this picture…or if that is mistletoe hanging from the top or not, but I do remember I was pretty drunk at the time this picture was taken.

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A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket, and ordered a double scotch. A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, he told the bartender that he’s had enough.
The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you — what’s with the pocket business?”
The man replied, “I have my ex and her lawyer’s picture in there. When they start to look honest, I’ve had enough!”    

2560

Critter

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2561

2

1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
 
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
 
3. The dot over the letter “i” is called a tittle.
 
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
 
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
 
6. A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.
 
7. A 2 X 4 is really 1-1/2″ by 3-1/2″.
 
8. During the chariot scene in “Ben Hur,” a small red car can be seen in the distance (and Heston’s wearing a watch).
 
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily! (That explains a few mysteries… .)
 
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn’t wear pants.
 
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
 
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564, 000.
 
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
 
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan. There was never a recorded Wendy before.
 
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
 
16. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who discovered this??)
 
17. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down so you could see his moves. That’s the opposite of the norm.
 
18. The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen’ s “Born in the USA.”
 
19. The original name for butterfly was flutterby.
 
20. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. This is not necessarily true…but I can’t say that it’s definitely NOT true.
 
21. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player for automobiles. At that time, the most known player on the market was Victrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
 
22. Roses may be red, but violets are indeed violet.
 
23. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you cannot sink into quicksand.
 
24. Celery has negative calories. It takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
 
25. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.
 
26. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.
 
27. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said, “Elementary, my dear Watson.”
 
28. An old law in Bellingham, Washington, made it illegal for a woman to take more than three steps backwards while dancing!
 
29. The glue on Israeli postage is certified kosher.
 
30. The Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from public libraries.
 
31. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
 
32. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
Distraction (2)
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What song does this make reference to?  See the answer below, then let me know in the comments whether you got it or not.

One friend was talking with another friend about his cousin who recently passed away. ”By the time cousin Jack died he had a transplanted heart, a plastic hip joint, a plastic leg and a plastic arm.” ”Where did they bury him?”’ ”Duh – they didn’t bury him, he was recycled!”

LOL.  That’s going to be me some day.

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Fantasy

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Just from the pictures, World of War Craft seems like a cool game.  If I had some extra time I might just enjoy playing….lol…extra time.  That’s a laugh.  Actually, it’s an oxymoron…like jumbo shrimp and military intelligence.

2564

 

Distraction Answer

Live at the Capital Centre, March 1977

Jackson Browne originally began writing “Take It Easy” in 1971 for his own eponymous debut album but was having difficulty finishing the song. His friend and then-neighbor Glenn Frey had heard an early version and later asked Browne about it. Browne then played the unfinished second verse that begins with “Well, I’m a-standin’ on a corner in Winslow, Arizona…”, and Frey finished the verse with “It’s a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford, slowin’ down to take a look at me.”[6] Browne was very happy with the result and suggested that they co-write the song.[7] The resulting song became the first track on the Eagles’ debut album and was released as their first single.

Browne told a version of the story in a radio interview: “I knew Glenn Frey from playing these clubs – we kept showing up at the same clubs and singing on the open-mic nights. Glenn happened to come by to say ‘hi,’ and to hang around when I was in the studio, and I showed him the beginnings of that song, and he asked if I was going to put it on my record and I said it wouldn’t be ready in time. He said ‘well, we’ll put it on, we’ll do it,’ ’cause he liked it,” Browne explained. “But it wasn’t finished, and he kept after me to finish it, and finally offered to finish it himself. And after a couple of times when I declined to have him finish my song, I said, ‘all right.’ I finally thought, ‘This is ridiculous. Go ahead and finish it. Do it.’ And he finished it in spectacular fashion. And, what’s more, arranged it in a way that was far superior to what I had written.

And of course….the lyrics:

“Take It Easy”

Well, I’m running down the road 
tryin’ to loosen my load 
I’ve got seven women on 
my mind, 
Four that wanna own me, 
Two that wanna stone me, 
One says she’s a friend of mine 
Take It easy, take it easy 
Don’t let the sound of your own wheels 
drive you crazy 
Lighten up while you still can 
don’t even try to understand 
Just find a place to make your stand 
and take it easy 
Well, I’m a standing on a corner 
in Winslow, Arizona 
and such a fine sight to see 
It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed 
Ford slowin’ down to take a look at me 
Come on, baby, don’t say maybe 
I gotta know if your sweet love is 
gonna save me 
We may lose and we may win though 
we will never be here again 
so open up, I’m climbin’ in, 
so take it easy 
Well I’m running down the road trying to loosen 
my load, got a world of trouble on my mind 
lookin’ for a lover who won’t blow my 
cover, she’s so hard to find 
Take it easy, take it easy 
don’t let the sound of your own 
wheels make you crazy 
come on baby, don’t say maybe 
I gotta know if your sweet love is 
gonna save me, oh oh oh 
Oh we got it easy 
We oughta take it easy

 

One of my favorite songs of all time….and the original picture set this all off.

So, did you get it right?

2566
Okay, I want a redo!  This is bullshit!  Read this:
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I’m over age 55 and dammit, I want my happiness!  It’s gonna take forever for them to legalize marijuana in Indiana!  I’ll be the only ancient blue dragon standing in line at the head-shop.  Unfair!

Motivational

Okay!  Okay!  Enough!  I can hear you grumbling in the back rows!  I take it back!  I’ve never been happier in my whole life!  There, are you happy?  Yeah, pun intended.

Caffeine

Hell, I’m not even functioning until I’ve had my 12th cup.

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Another fine example of the security here at DL&LL Enterprises.

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Okay, so I’m sorry, but it had to happen sooner or later…
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Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night.. The waiter came and took their drink order.

‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy.

‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy..

‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy.

‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy.

‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy.

‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’ But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’

The third piggy says – ‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

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A little girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. “Mommy,” she said, “can we leave now?”
“No” her mother replied.
“Well, I think I’m gonna be sick, Momma!”
“Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and then behind a bush.”
After about 60 seconds the little girl returned to her seat. “Were you sick?” her mom asked.
“Yes.”
“How could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and returned so quickly?”
“I didn’t have to go out of the church, Mommy. They have a box next to the front door that says, ‘For the Sick’.”


2569

That explains everything!!!

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.
“Good morning, Jonathan,” the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan’s hand.  As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan’s hand. “What’s this?” the preacher asked.
“Money,” said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, “It’s for you!”
“I don’t want to take your money, Jonathan,” the preacher answered.
“I want you to have it,” said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, “My daddy says you’re the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you.”

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Political

This is turning into one of the largest issues I’ve ever put together.  It’s amazing what you can do from your couch when you spend most of the week sick as a dog.  I just hope it doesn’t overload the server when I go to upload it.  I guess we’ll find out.

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Yeah, and just try to explain that to the cops.

Okay, so let’s give one more section a try and we’ll call it an issue:

Signs

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And that, dear friends, is that.  May you have a wonderful weekend and be well till we meet again.

Cheers Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs #380 for Wednesday Feb 22nd 2017

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Owning to a serious incident Monday here at Keebler Towers I am uploading this issue ‘as is’ as I do not have any additional time to devote to it as we deal with the aftermath. I’d rather this be unpolished &/or not quite up to my usual standards than not at all.

I hope you’ll understand, my wife and my family will always come first and right now that is where my attention needs to be focused.

Lethal

Let's Roll - 55

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Or put another way…

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Sign me up for the (hic!) product trials!

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SIGH! So very very true here at Keebler Towers.  I’ve bought from 3 different client’s daughters now, all Thin Mints (2 boxes each) then Molly came home last Thursday and told me a co-workers daughter was selling Girl Scout Cookies so she bought me 2 boxes.

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NOW we’re talking!

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Unless it’s Girl Scout Cookies of course!

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NEVER LIE TO YOUR RABBI

At Friday night services, Morris goes to his friend Irving and says, “I need a favor.  I’m sleeping with the Rabbi’s wife.  Can you hold him in synagogue for an hour after services for me?”
Irving is not very fond of the idea, but being Morris’ lifelong friend, he reluctantly agrees.
After services, he strikes up a conversation with the Rabbi, asking him all sorts of stupid questions – just to keep him occupied.
After some time the wise Rabbi becomes suspicious and asks, “Irving what are you really up to?”
Irving, filled with deep feelings of guilt and remorse confesses to the Rabbi, “I’m sorry, Rabbi.  My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The Rabbi smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Irving’s shoulder and says, “You’d probably better hurry home, Irving.  My wife died two years ago!!!”

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A Farmer Schools a Lawyer

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy hot shot lawyer, was questioning Clyde.

“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the…”

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question, please. Did you, or did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”

Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”

The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie”.

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”

“Now tell me, what WOULD you say!?”

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A golden eagle grabs a flying drone during a military training exercise at Mont-de-Marsan French Air Force base, Southwestern France, February 10, 2017. REUTERS/Regis Duvignau  Well at least we know French Eagles don’t surrender!

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If this NASA scientist isn’t wrong, 2017’s got 3 days left!

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Hug your loved ones, your pups, your kitties and even your closest enemies. There might be something from outer space that is on its way to destroy us. Even more ironic, it’s literally named after the year it was discovered. 2016.

It might be 2017, but I kid you not, 2016 it still out to get you and mess you up a little more.

True story.

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According to Dr. Joseph Nuth of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Centre, an ‘extinction-level’ event, much like the meteor that killed the dinosaurs, is headed our way. Discovered back in December of 2016, they’ve decided to name the unknown object (they’re still not sure if it’s a comet or a meteor) 2016 WF9.

Thanks again 2016. Like you weren’t enough of an asshole to take Bowie, Prince, Princess Leia and everyone else.

Just die already 2016!

And while you’re thinking, ‘ok, they’ve spotted it, they must be coming up with something,’ you’re wrong. Start preparing for the end because the date that NASA predicts the mysterious object will be coming to earth is February 25th.

So we’re going to join the dinosaurs and the earth might just be wiped clean.

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The worst part of it is that there’s nothing we can do about it at the moment. With the space program on hold and no viable ways of getting people out into space safely to, let’s say, blow it up, there’s no way to prevent it from hitting us. We could task Space-X or Virgin Galactic to do something, but with the discovery happening in December, and the estimated date of the extinction event to be in less than a month, no one can do anything that quick.

There’s no giant lasers, or oil drilling astronauts with cool ships and a rocking soundtrack. There’s nothing.

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On one hand, there’s two glimmers of hope, so don’t quite panic yet. The first is that while NASA’s calling this an ‘extinction-level’ event on the same scale as the dinosaurs, there’s a strong chance that it’ll pass us by and miss us by 32 million miles. So we’ve got that going for us.

The other thing he’s suggested is that this meteor flyby thing happens pretty often and he suggests we should just have one rocket on standby, waiting in the eventuality that we’re going to have to shoot something out of the sky before it kills us. He says he’s proposed this to NASA and the government. But with our luck, we’ll get someone to try to build a wall to space or some shit like that.

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On the other hand, however, there’s some who believe that we’re being lied to to avoid panic and we are indeed, gonna get smushed.

Self-proclaimed Russian astronomer Dr. Dyomin Damir Zakharovich, has been tracking the object and he says that instead of missing us, it’s going to hit us and cause a mega-tsunami.

This is where things get a little sketchy, though. Zakharovich believes in the Nibiru Cataclysm, the conspiracy theory that claims there’s a planet called Nibiru or Planet X that will either collide with us, or send an object to collide with us, in the 21st Century, and end all life on earth. You can read more about the theory in the link above, but he claims that it’s true.

He says that we’re all in peril and since NASA can’t help us or stop it from happening, they’re going to let it just hit us and not tell anyone about it. Also, they’re lying about the date. It’s gonna take us out on the 16th of February, so you still have to buy the chocolates and flowers and shit, but maybe tell your date/one night stand that you’ll call her in two days. The world’s ending anyways, right?

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NASA refutes his claims (and those of thousands of people that call/email/write to NASA on a daily basis asking them why they keep on discounting the Nibiru theory). They’ve analyzed the object and found that it’s a dark object that’s somewhere between 0.3 and 0.6 miles across. They know its trajectory and know that it will most definitely miss us (they think). And while it appears to resemble a comet, as far as its reflectivity and its orbit, it doesn’t have the signature dust and gas cloud that a comet would have.

In short, they know something is coming, they just don’t know what. But they’re certain it won’t hit us. Probably.

So depending on how you feel about conspiracies, government agencies and space in general, maybe arm yourself with the knowledge that the world might, or might not end, and conduct yourself accordingly.

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Impish was depressed over his track record with female relationships (then again what man isn’t?) and went to seek advice from his buddy & pal Lethal.

After listening to Impish lament his failures over Brown Gold and Bailey’s for about 15 minutes  Lethal told Impish he knew exactly what Impish’s problem was and how to explain it simply to him.

He took a piece of printer paper and quickly drew this diagram for Impish:

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Speaking of Impish, here’s a peek at the $2500 refurbishment of his “Little Dragon’s Room” he just had to have:

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Now, I cast no aspersions, but I understand the round mirrors are two sided and the magnifying side faces out.

Just saying shouldn’t there should be a little brass warning sign on the wall- “Object in the mirror(S) may be smaller than they appear.”?

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You know how some lawyers chase ambulances? Well these guys chase cops.

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Damn it Impish! I told you- stay out of my fridge!  NO you CANNOT borrow some of my  “lettuce”.   Now shut the damned door you’re wilting my $50s.

YOU’RE BLOODY WELL DAMNED RIGHT I LET WEDNESDAY RAID MY FRIDGE!

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And if you cant see why and understand it you’re not only blind your daft as well!

NO IMPISH! You CANNOT  just raid Wednesday instead either!

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Dang! That guy’s got serious talent!

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Excellent idea! Think I’ll customize a couple of these for Impish, Molly & I.

Bet I could make a serious buck selling those things too!

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Let me give you a hint Impish, if life sounds like a bus, then it’s definitely trying to run your big blue butt over.

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Sonic Drive-In, Rio Grande Valley Texas style.

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New “Todays Exam,” you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

[No scrolling down for the answers until you answer them all]

1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI’s first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below.

ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI’s first name? Albert

8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)

What do you mean, you failed?

Me, too! [ I managed 3 correct from playing a lot of Trivial Pursuit]

(And if you try to tell me you passed, you is fibbin)

 

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Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments