Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Saturday … well, actually, today is Wednesday, but you are reading this on Saturday, therefore, today is Saturday and while you are reading this I am teaching CBRN Defense Training to a bunch of Air Force GIs on an Alternate Unit Training Assembly (UTA). 

Our Governor just announced that he will be enacting more lock downs, this time by county and some media outlets, including the New York times, are now describing the mounting evidence of voter fraud on a massive scale as  “factually accurate misinformation.”  Can someone please tell me what the fuck “factually accurate misinformation” is?

A well understood, and agreed upon lie?

A well played collaborative fraud?

Yes, dark rainy clouds …

That’s my mood and I’m sticking with it.  So, as you can see, laughter … lots and lots of laughter.  It is sorely needed, hopefully not as much over the next couple of days as it is right now, but boy oh boy is it needed right now, so let’s see if there isn’t something we can do about that.

 

If there is anybody alone and have no one to spend Thanksgiving with this year, please let me know.

I need to borrow some chairs.

The Bozo criminals for this morning come from the International File. From Ishioka, Japan comes the story of two teenage would be bank robbers, a 17 year old male and his 16 year old female companion. The two enter a bank with the boy brandishing a pair of kitchen knives as weapons. At first, the boy threatened a customer, but the customer just ignored him and walked away. Our bozo then turned to the teller. Just as he begins to threaten the teller, his girlfriend starts telling him what a bad job he is doing of being a bank robber. The two lovebirds then get into a heated argument. So heated, in fact, that they don’t even notice the teller set off the silent alarm. When police arrived, our bozo robber was standing in the middle of the bank, screaming for someone, anyone, to give him some money, while his girlfriend urged him to hurry up.

 

Impish Dragon Quote of the Day:

The reason I am old and wise is because God protected me when I was young and stupid.

 

Really Bad Analogies Written by High School Students

1. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
2. he was as tall as a 6’ 3” tree.
3. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
4. From the attic came an unearthly howl.  The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.
5. John and Mary had never met.  They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
6. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
7. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
8. He was a lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame.  Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
9. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
10. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
11. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
12. The lamp just sat there, like an inanimate object.

Did You Know:  Hey!  You’re back!  Type O Blood was actually meant to be Type Zero Blood, due to the lack of glycoproteins in the red blood cells.  It was misread and is now called Type “O” blood.  I guess you could call it a typo.  Oh that was awful!

Got this really nice comment from Leah D. on Wednesday’s Veterans Day issue:

Leah D

I was in my 30’s before I went to college. People tended to group with others who came from the same Country, Religion, spoke a language no one else understood . . . one of the later groups, was the Veterans.

It’s amazing how we clump together sometimes.  I’ll meet someone, hit it off with them and only find out later on that we have that one little thing in common … when it was actually pretty obvious the whole time.

It’s B-E-F-O-R-E, not B4.  We speak English, not BINGO.

Sometimes napping with your sweetie is the best thing to do on a warm Saturday afternoon

The economy is bad, if the bank returns your check marked “insufficient funds”, you call and ask if they meant you or them.

Gotta love James Woods …

I can’t dance to save my life, but when I step in dog shit, I can moonwalk better than Michael Jackson.

My sister-in-law … yeah, she’s a little on the weird side.

You can’t truly call yourself an adult until you catch yourself getting really angry when the grocery store changes its layout.

Which mine recently did and I recently did.

I don’t “rise and shine”.

I caffeinate and hope for the best.

Did You Know: IKEA is an acronym for Ingvar Kamprad Elmtard Agunnaryd, which is the founder’s name, the farm where he grew up, and his hometown. 

2 INTERESTING FACTS ABOUT ME:

1) My penis is not as long as a foot long subway sub

2) I’m banned for life from Subway

Some days even the devil sits back and admires my work.

Amen!

A bacteria walked into a bar and the bartender said, “We don’t serve bacteria in this place.”

The bacteria said, “But I work here, I’m staph.”

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven’t met yet.

 

And speaking of groceries, that’s it for me folks, cause I’ve got to run out to the store before they close cause the Dragon household needs stuff and since I’m working tomorrow and will have the car, it needs to be tonight.  So, that’s it for me for now, hope you all have a wonderful weekend.  Love and wellness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

You may have noticed that there was no Dragon Laffs on Monday.  That was because I had a very full weekend and not because of anything necessarily bad that happened.  Also, this issue is coming out a day early and is a “special” issue.  I brought back a header that I used back in 2013 … seven years ago…one that I like very much and one that reminds me very much of my dear friend Lethal Leprechaun.  Veterans Day was always very special to both of us and I hope I can do him proud with today’s issue. 

I will admit, I’m feeling a bit beat up over the election and things that I’m hearing in the news about what the newly elected party plans on doing to my military, how they’ve treated my military brothers and sisters in the past and how I’m afraid they will be treated in the future.  I guess we’ll see how that all plays out.  It is what it is.  Although I am a civilian, I am still a member of the United States Military and my oath of office has NEVER changed. 

“I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same, and that I will obey the orders of the President of the Untied States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice.  So help me God.”

You may not know it, but that oath of enlistment never expires.  For most of us, anyway.  Did you know that there is a Veterans Creed?  Let me lay it out for you here:

I am a United States military veteran.
I mastered the weapons, tools, and techniques of war and security and I make no apology for the proficiency.
I became a leader by my willingness to both serve and subordinate myself to my superiors’, the mission and the needs of my team.
Foremost among first responders, I earned the ribbons of a volunteer, endeavor, defender, warrior, rescuer, problem-solver, and model citizen.
I am the visible conscience of a nation with regard to the costs of war and freedom’s true price.
I do not fail to support another vet who crosses my path with any need, large or small; he or she may have wounds or hardships that few others would understand.
I am part of the eternal flame of memory, of my brother and sister veterans who died in service to our country.
Honor, courage, and commitment define me to this day.  I maintain my readiness, health, and fitness in order to serve again, should my community or nation call.
In all of the remaining moments of my life, I will be steadfast guardian of American ideals, freedoms, and history.
I am a one-percenter of the noblest order.  I am… an American veteran.

I may not be a perfect guy, or even a perfect dragon.  I certainly make a lot of mistakes in my life, but I would like to think, that if my life was weighed in the balance, when I’m standing in front of Saint Pete … he would say, job well done.  Dismissed.

And here’s another good one:

Tomorrow night at darts (Tuesday night, since I’m writing this first part on Monday) I’ll be passing out laminated cards with the above Veteran’s Creed on it and a coin that looks like this:

Except that I got Army ones for the Army guys and even a Navy one for the one Navy Vet we got.  But, Air Force is by far the most prevalent.  I think they will like them.  They better, I spent a couple of bucks on them.  They are coins, since that’s a military thing … which just means I’ll have to come up with something else for next year…but I’ve already got something in mind.

Anyway, by now we really ought to move on to the issue.

First of all, Veterans Day does not have an apostrophe.  It’s not a day belonging to Veterans, it’s a day honoring all Veterans, therefore no apostrophe. 

Secondly, Veterans Day is not Memorial Day, a lot of Americans get this confused and quite frankly, it can be a little bit annoying to all the living vets out there.  Memorial Day is a day to remember all those who gave their lives for our country, particularly in battle or from wounds they suffered in battle.  Veterans Day honors all of those who have served their country in war or peace.  But, it’s largely supposed to thank the living Vets for their sacrifices.  And believe me, there are ALWAYS sacrifices in being a Veteran.

Third, Veterans Day was originally called Armistice Day which commemorated the end of World War I.  World War I officially ended with the signing of the Treaty of Versailles on June 28, 1919, but the fighting really ended about seven months prior to that when the Allies and Germans put an end to the fighting on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month.  Hence, November 11, 1918 was largely considered  the end of “the war to end all wars.”  Yeah, that didn’t last very long, did it?  Well, Armistice Day didn’t last long either and it was changed to Veterans Day on June 1, 1954…after World War II and the Korean War made us realize that “the war to end all wars” was pretty much crap.  And to make matters worse, congress screwed up and made it (under the Uniform Holiday Bill in 1968) the fourth Monday in October!  It took until 1978 until it was fixed and put back on November 11th where it belongs.

And finally, we’re not the only ones who celebrate November 11th as a holiday, although the other countries don’t call it Veterans Day.  Canada, Australia, and Great Britain all call it Remembrance Day and many of its citizens wear red poppy flowers to honor their war dead.  Canada and Australia both celebrate on November 11th as we do although Great Britain observes on the Sunday closest to November 11th.

I have the most wonderful of readers!  You guys send me the greatest of things.  This was sent to me by Sasquatch.  It’s not really Veterans Day stuff, but worth sharing none-the-less.  It’s called: Cranky Old Man and there’s a story that goes with it…

When an old man died in the geriatric ward of a nursing home in an Australian country town, it was believed that he had nothing left of any value.

Later, when the nurses were going through his meager possessions, They found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital.

 

One nurse took her copy to Melbourne. The old man’s sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas editions of magazines around the country and appearing in mags for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on his simple, but eloquent, poem.

 

And this old man, with nothing left to give to the world, is now the author of this ‘anonymous’ poem winging across the Internet.

 

Cranky Old Man

What do you see nurses? . . .. . .What do you see?

What are you thinking .. . when you’re looking at me?

A cranky old man, . . . . . .not very wise,

Uncertain of habit .. . . . . . . .. with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles his food .. . … . . and makes no reply.

When you say in a loud voice . .’I do wish you’d try!’

Who seems not to notice . . .the things that you do.

And forever is losing . . . . . .. . . A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not . . . … lets you do as you will,

With bathing and feeding . . . .The long day to fill?

Is that what you’re thinking?. .Is that what you see?

Then open your eyes, nurse .you’re not looking at me.

I’ll tell you who I am . . . . .. As I sit here so still,

As I do at your bidding, .. . . . as I eat at your will.

I’m a small child of Ten . .with a father and mother,

Brothers and sisters .. . . .. . who love one another

A young boy of Sixteen . . . .. with wings on his feet

Dreaming that soon now . . .. . . a lover he’ll meet.

A groom soon at Twenty . . . ..my heart gives a leap.

Remembering, the vows .. .. .that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now . . . . .I have young of my own.

Who need me to guide . . . And a secure happy home.

A man of Thirty . .. . . . . My young now grown fast,

Bound to each other . . .. With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. .have grown and are gone,

But my woman is beside me . . to see I don’t mourn.

At Fifty, once more, .. …Babies play ’round my knee,

Again, we know children . . . . My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me . . . . My wife is now dead.

I look at the future … . . . . I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing .. . . young of their own.

And I think of the years . . . And the love that I’ve known.

I’m now an old man . . . . . . .. and nature is cruel.

It’s jest to make old age . . . . . . . look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles .. .. . grace and vigour, depart.

There is now a stone . . . where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass . A young man still dwells,

And now and again . . . . . my battered heart swells

I remember the joys . . . . .. . I remember the pain.

And I’m loving and living . . . . . . . life over again.

I think of the years, all too few . . .. gone too fast.

And accept the stark fact . . . that nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people .. . . . .. . . open and see.

Not a cranky old man .

Look closer . . . . see .. .. . .. …. . ME!!

 

Remember this poem when you next meet an older person who you might brush aside without looking at the young soul within. We will all, one day, be there, too!

PLEASE SHARE THIS POEM!

The best and most beautiful things of this world can’t be seen or touched. They must be felt by the heart!

Antiques

Grandma had it

Mom threw it out

I bought it back

Adulthood is straight up the worst hood I’ve ever lived in.

I’ve been sitting here reading over many different emails and I’ve read lots of funny stuff, but not much that goes along with Veterans Day.  And now it’s getting late and I’m not going to have time tomorrow to work on this…so I’m not sure what to do.  I guess I’ll do as much as I can and you guys will get what you get, lol.  Isn’t that the way it always works?

The last date that all living humans were together on Earth was November 2, 2000.  Since then, there has always been someone onboard the International Space Station.

They should let illegal immigrants hunt sex offenders for citizenship and call it…

Aliens Vs. Predators

And that’s it my friends.  Find a Vet, thank a Vet, have a great day.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Okay, so I’m a pessimistic little bastard by nature, but even I didn’t figure this shit would be going on this long.  This is the modern age of computers, it’s not like we have to drive the horse and wagons from the miles away to the closest village, put white or black stones in a box and then send the results to Washington by P0ny Express … THIS IS THE MODERN AGE.

Now some states are talking about recounting … because you didn’t do it right the first time?  I don’t know about you, but that was like one of the very FIRST things I was taught in school, was how to count.  It’s got to be that new math shit they are teaching in school now.  Cause I know with that old math, when you add 2 + 2, you came up with 4 pretty much every single time.  If you guys are coming up with something else with your new math, you’re doing something wrong!

Maybe we just ought to do it by state.  Everybody who wants Biden for president move west of the Mississippi River, everyone who wants Trump move east of the Mississippi River and then Biden runs the west half and Trump runs the east half … put up a border crossing at the river and let it go at that.  See which half does best for a couple of years.  If you don’t want Trump or Biden … move to Hawaii or Alaska.  … or Anywhere else in the world. Dealer’s choice.

But!!!!! Not bitching or complaining or rioting or looting or any of that shit allowed!!!

Maybe we’d all be better off.

Who knows.

It’s a plan.

Can you see all these travel trailers and caravans and shit moving east and west? 

“Where are you going?

“Goin’ to the promise land!”

“Where’s that?”

“Detroit!  Now that the damn democrats have moved out!”

Yeah, whatever …

Okay, so we need to laugh!  Just had root canal done this morning and I’m friggin’ miserable!  Need to get my work done so I can take some drugs, take some alcohol, get messed up and forget about things so I can … go to fucking work tomorrow!

What the hell happened to my life?  I used to be able to fly around, burn a few villages, snack on a few virgins, you know, do dragony things.  Now?

Sigh …

If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it at church?

My swimsuit told me to go to the gym today, but my sweatpants were like … nah girl, you’re good.

This is an oldie, but goodie.

DATING MY DAUGHTER RULES
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may  glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:  You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
Please do not do this.
The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early.”
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.
Hockey games are okay.
Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi.
When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.
As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car – there is no need for you to come inside.
The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

I may or may not have enacted several of these rules or variations thereof on Izzy in the past and plan to continue to do so in the future.  Since the Statute of Limitations is far from being up and upon the advice of counsel I refuse to say more on the grounds of self-incrimination.

Actually the Dragon’s Rules for Dating My Daughter are pretty straight forward:

Rule #1:  You fuck up and I eat you.

Rule #2:  If you make her cry, I eat you and your entire family.

Rule #3:  See rules 1 and 2

And … this is one of the reasons I no longer have a job as a tattoo.

I’m super lazy today.
It’s like normal lazy, but I’m wearing a cape.

Life should be more like hockey.  When someone pisses you off, you just beat the shit out of them, then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.

I’m not sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

I am a little ashamed to say that I spent some time as a very wealthy woman’s kept pet.

I heard what you did for a Klondike Bar.

Call Me!

When I’m famous, everyone will say, “I used to follow him on Facebook!” or “I worked with that guy!” or “I’m not surprised he took hostages!”

I sent that “Ancestry” site some information on my Family Tree.

They sent me back a pack of seeds, and suggested that I just start over.

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
The night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!

The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie
Last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves Breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

Grammar: The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts.

Boss:  Do you think you can come in on Saturday?  I know you enjoy your weekends but I need you here.

Me:  Yeah, no problem.  I’ll probably be late though as public transport on weekends is slow.

Boss:  What time will you get here?

Me:  Monday

And that my friends is it for today.  Gotta hit the rack cause I gotta work tomorrow.  I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I have no idea who the winner is … yet … since I’m starting this issue on Monday, but you’re reading this on Thursday so by the time you’re reading this, you will know and of course by the time I publish this issue, I too, will know.  But, for right now, it’s all up in the air.  I can say that I think I know who it will be, but with the trickery and the fickleness of the American public … who knows what the final outcome will be.  But, I can say with a certainty, that if Biden wins, I am very frightened for what this country will face in the future.

But, for now, let’s get some laughter in, while we all wait for the results on what could possibly be the most important election in modern history.

I see people my age out there climbing mountains and zip lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

Today marks 5 years we’ve been in 2020.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1 ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thing is we’re all together today.”

Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”

“It’s nothing,” said the father “We’re glad you were able to come.”

Just then the daughter arrived “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”

After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.

Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”

The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”

“Yep,” said the father, “Cheap ones, too.

How about a bit of history …

The RMS Queen Elizabeth pulling into New York with service men returning home after the end of World War 2, 1945.

That’s a lot of GIs

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session but here we are …

I think this was Mrs. Dragon and I on like our second anniversary.  We went on a quest weekend together.

So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

I’m pretty sure I had a good time last night.  Let me finish reading the police report and I’ll let you know.

A Dragon Fantasy

My Ex:  I still love you.

Me:  I don’t blame you.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after their kids.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall, it took me a moment to realize they meant “autumn”, not the collapse of civilization.

My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

Fact:  Snow in October happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely.  You know who you are.  Stop it.

Well, here it is Wednesday evening and we still don’t know who won the election, although it’s looking pretty bad for the good guys.

Sigh.

Keep your fingers crossed guys while I finish up today’s issue.

Yes … yes, they are.

Yes we are!

I want a simple life.  I want to get up late, drink tea, and read old books.  I also want a spaceship and a pet dragon.

Well, you know that’s a fantasy … you’ll never get a dragon as a friggin’ pet!

My energy level is equal to that of a sloth on Xanax.

I can NOT preach this next one loud enough!!!

And I will be the one to train and certify you in the wear, use, and inspection of MOPP gear…although this is an older version…but the sentiment still stands.

And then you have the opposite situation …

You find it offensive.
I find it funny.
That’s why I’m happier than you are.

“How much of an allowance did you get as a teenager per week?”

Me:  I was allowed to live there.

Why do “balls” equate to toughness and “pussy” equates to weakness when even the slightest flick to the nuts sends a guy to his knees and vaginas push out an entire human being?

I like the type of people whose sense of humor may be described as “inappropriate with a chance of ruining family dinner.”

Hating your Country is like hating your parents and still living in their home.  Move out and be happy somewhere else.

Me at 18:  As long as I get home at 4 am, I can get up for work at 6.

Me now:  How dare you even suggest we start a movie at 8 pm.

I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.

Darwin Awards

These get scarier and scarier every year. They are finally out again.

You all know about the Darwin Awards – It’s an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.

And the nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6’2″

tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12″ long and 3″

in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals.

After the ambulance arrived and removed the man – who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital – the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).

According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver’s attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring (pocket animal), which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi’s life, the woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma”.

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were laying a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalised.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.

After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’

by his peers.

The latest nominee for this year’s Darwin Award goes to….

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro-shop, and was using to balance himself.

Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.

Thanks to Stephanie for sending these to me.

Well, with just a few more states left to go, it looks like it’s going to be a Biden victory.  Which means that Kamala Harris will be the President within the year … that’s my prediction, anyway.

What a sorry state of affairs our country will be in then.  Mr. Trump can still pull it out, but it’s a long shot.  My hopes and prayers go out to him, but, it doesn’t look good.

Good night my friends and may God have mercy on our country.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I’m baaaaccckkkk!  I’m so happy to be back home again!  It was a tough week.  In so very many ways.  Maybe sometime I’ll talk about some of the side shit that went on, but for now, I’m just glad to be back home in the loving arms of my family and friends … and I include all of you in that.

What I really need right now is to laugh … long and hard, so let’s get to that right now, shall we?

Okay … I gotta admit … I’m from Jersey and I won’t go to Jersey City.

I once won an argument with a woman … in this dream I had.

If there was a way to read a woman’s mind, I am not sure I would want to.  I hate shoes, shopping, gossip and I already know I am annoying.

It’s funny when my girlfriend gives me the “silent treatment.”  She thinks it’s a punishment.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I d did something wrong.

I can’t wait to find out what it was.

“No thanks, I’m vegetarian” is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

I wasn’t going to show you guys, but this is my baby picture.

We should start referring to “Age” as “Levels”, so when you’re level 80 it sounds much more badass than just being an old person.

My favorite part of guys in their 20’s trying to pick me up is that I can tell them my number is 867-5309 and they believe me.

I need to have enough wild sex as possible so one day I can become an inappropriate old lady that blurts out things like “when I was your age I got a concussion after being bent over a desk” and then my family can be like “grandma please, you’re making Easter dinner really uncomfortable” and it’ll be great.

In my youth, I had a very short lived career as a tattoo.

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.  She said, “It’s my husband!  Quick, try the back door!”  Thinking back, I really should have ran, but you don’t get offers like that every day.

WARNING!

There is an email going around offering processed pork, gelatin and salt in a can.
If you get this email, do NOT open it.  It is SPAM.

Sure, it looks legit.

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, “Up until last week, I had it all.
I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head,
I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.
I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical benefits coverage.
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, “What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
Oh no, nothing like that,” he said. ”
“Because of Corona virus, I was unexpectedly paroled”.

There was a safety meeting in work today.  They asked me, “What steps would you take in the event of a fire?”

“Fucking big ones” was apparently the wrong answer.’’

My friend was driving and we were almost past our turnoff so I tried to say “quick” and “fast” at the same time and I ended up screaming “QUACK” which ended up with him judging me very hard and missing the turn.

I hate people who go to sleep as soon as they close their eyes … it takes me 4 hours, 7 pillow flips, 11 different positions, 2 trips to the bathroom, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Look at you!  Being kind of awake and stuff.  You are reading words and probably aren’t even stabbing anyone right now!  You deserve a coffee, you magnificent little sunbeam!

The month of October is just a vicious circle of buying a bag of candy for Halloween and then buying another bag because you ate the first one yourself.

Having plans sounds like a good idea — until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

And let’s end today with some last minute political propaganda to help everyone remember who to vote for tomorrow…

And that it’s for today my friends.  Remember to get out and vote tomorrow.  It’s important.  Probably the most important thing you can do as a citizen.  It’s meaningful, it matters, it’s far-reaching.  What happens tomorrow will have lasting impact for many years to come.  You may feel like your one little vote doesn’t mean much, but it does.  Every single vote matters.  So please, go out and do your civic duty.  Besides, if you don’t vote, you aren’t allowed to bitch about the results.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon