I’d like to make an observation. An awful lot of you either have a very short memory or you don’t read the part of Dragon Laffs that I write and just look at the memes and the cartoons. I suppose it’s okay to skip over the parts you aren’t interested in and just get to the parts that you are, but due to the amount of inquiries I’ve received over the last couple of days wondering if I’m alright and what’s happened to me, it just makes me wonder how many of you read the part in the last episode that I DID publish that said that I probably wasn’t going to publish an issue on Saturday and Monday due to the big exercise and the 12 to 16 hour shifts that I was going to be working on Thursday through Sunday?
It also does explain why no one has found the buried treasure that I’ve been leaving clues and hints to over the last 15 or so issues. Well, it’s probably too far out to sea now for anyone to find, so it’s a bit of a moot point at this juncture … but all that dragon’s gold would’ve been nice for someone.
Anyway, since the cartoons and the memes are what you all are interested in, let’s get to it and I’ll try … TRY to keep the commentary and opinions to myself.
Yeah, I know, like that’s gonna happen. No gentle campers, YOU ARE STUCK WITH ME JUST THE WAY I AM!
Oh, and the whole treasure thing…nah, not so much. But, I’ll bet there were a few of you who were going through the back issues, looking for those clues cause YOU WERE GUILTY OF NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO ALL THE DETAILS, NOW WEREN’T YOU!? Uh huh. I knew it!
I’m gonna have to start throwing some tests in here every now and then just to see who’s paying attention.
Alright, enough is enough already…
I’ve got a couple of those around the house.
That is AWESOME!!! True or not, that will DEFINITELY keep people from taking someone else’s food out of the fridge!
I’ve actually seen a very similar sign at a FOB in Germany. Oh, FOB is Forward Operating Base. Helicopters – German ones – used to come slamming into the ground really fast and slide across the grass and they didn’t care if there were American military guys in the way or not. There were very similar signs in the area where they practiced this maneuver. This was before cell phones because I really WISH I HAD video of this because it was hilarious and awesome!!
A blonde took her dog to the vet for its annual check-up.
“Your dog is overweight,” the vet said. “You should cut back on his food a little and make sure he gets some exercise. Try playing fetch with him.”
“That’s impossible,” the blonde replied. “I can’t play fetch with my dog.”
“Why not?” asked the puzzled vet.
“Because,” the blonde said, “he can’t throw.”
Well, that’s awfully nice of them. Around these parts, we don’t notify anyone. We just throw the parts to the hogs and they don’t leave anything worth notifying anyone about. Neither does dragon’s breath.
The Parachute Paradigm
You are one of *two* people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one parachute. How would you react?
Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die on the jump anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived crashes just like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and dental floss.
Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it will work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
English major: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute as well as a human being could.
Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them of.
Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is biodegradable.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works fine.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to your health.
Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown that jumping out of a plane is NOT harmful to your health.
Specialization is for insects. – Robert Heinlein
60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy
1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it’s cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don’t we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It’s more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there’s a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4” bigger.
13. It’s ok, we’ll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there’s an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it’ll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn’t know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won’t take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don’t we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn’t know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it’s hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I’ll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where’s the rest of it?
At some point in time, penguins must have been a problem.
That’s awfully specific. Where are you going to find an elderly disabled pregnant child?
As I’ve said before, “I read books, I drink coffee, and I know things.”
A blonde, redhead, and brunette were looking at a dictionary for the hardest words they knew.
The brunette’s word was quizzical.
The redhead’s word was photosynthesis.
The blonde’s word was dick.
The absolute definition of irony
“No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.” —@LHLodder
“88% of parenting is saying ‘it’s bedtime’ 150 times between 8:00 and 9:00 every night.” —@SardonikTart
“Parenthood is a journey except it’s just traveling from room to room putting away the same toys all day long.” —@OneFunnyMummy
“Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.” —@yoyoha
“You know you’re a parent when you’ve washed yourself with baby wipes to save time in the morning.” —Anonymous
“I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’” —Dana Snow
“Driving around at 3am with soft music on the radio isn’t normal, but as a parent it is.” —@Batman1285
“My favorite part of parenting is after I drop my kids off at school. I’m kidding. It’s after they go to bed.” —@CallMeDraper
“Having children is like living in a frat house — nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” —Ray Romano
“Motherhood is an extreme sport. That’s why we have to wear workout clothes everyday.” —Anonymous
“5 year old’s say the cutest things like ‘I love you’ and ‘hey mom when you just took your pants off everything was all jiggly and wiggly.’” —@DisCourt
“Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.” —@ThisOneSayz
“90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lay down again.” —Betsy Farrell
“Hell hath no fury like a toddler who’s sandwich has been cut into squares when they wanted triangles.” —Anonymous
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.” —Nia Vardolas
“According to my kid, the perfect amount of time to stay at the park is five more minutes.” —@RockabillyJay
“I didn’t realize I was supposed to know how to do everything by my second rodeo. That’s still a very low number of rodeos.” —@SimonCHolland
“No one is more passionate about their kids back to school opinion than my friends who don’t have kids.” —@CydBeer
“A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese.” —@mommy_cusses
“When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is ‘Please forget.’” —@SarcasticMommy4
“My kid is turning out just like me. Well played, karma. Well-played.” —Anonymous
“I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.” —@LHLodder
“I’d love to be a Pinterest mom. But it turns out I’m more of an Amazon Prime mom.” —Anonymous
“It’s like no one in my family appreciates that I stayed up all night overthinking for them.” —Anonymous
“The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.” —Paul Reiser
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” —Phyllis Diller
“Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is: Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?” —@RobFee
“Having one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.” —David Frost
“The best thing about trying to name a baby is realizing how many people you hate.” —@BrianGaar
“Can’t find your kids? Don’t worry; sit on the toilet. They’ll find you.” —@MamaJessieC
“You can be a mess and still be a good mom. We are allowed to be both.” —@KatieBinghamSmith
“Just because I’m a mom doesn’t mean I’m not spontaneous anymore. Will I get out of these pajama pants today? Maybe… maybe NOT. You just don’t know.” —@DivergentMama
“The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.” —Lane Olinghouse
“When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they’re basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.” —@ParentNormal
“Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE!” —@LooksLikeTutTut
“Before I had kids, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by saying, ‘Get dressed, please.’ —@SarcaticMommy4
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip her jacket by herself.” —@ksujulie
“The easiest way to shop with kids is not to.” —@relaxingmommy
He looks tired…
One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.
“I come bearing bells, M’Lord.”
Teacher to a third grade student: “Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?”
Billy: “It depends.”
Teacher: “It depends on what?”
Billy: “It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother.”
My friend asked his father-in-law, a crop duster, how his day had gone.
“It was the worst day of my life,” replied the man.
“This morning I was up in my plane dusting a field when I nicked a power line and damaged the wing on the plane.
“When I got back to the office, my boss chewed me out. Then the guy from the FAA chewed me out.
“On my way home, I stopped at a bar and was handed a warm beer. So I yelled at the bartender, ‘Don’t you have any cold beer?!’
“The bartender said, ‘Sorry, but we’ve been out of electricity all day ever since some idiot crop-duster hit a power line down the road.'”
Two women, passing through the fragrance department of a big department store, were offered samples of new perfumes.
One woman commented that her sample was much too strong.
The clerk replied, “Oh, it’ll be much softer once the alcohol wears off.”
“See!” chided her friend. “I told you not to have that second drink!”
A patient, while recovering in the hospital from a heart attack, met this over-zealous evangelist.
After listening politely for over a half-hour on how thankful he should be to have been spared, and how he should repent at once, he was asked if all of his sins had flashed before his eyes during the heart attack.
The patient responded, “Don’t be ridiculous, the attack lasted only 6 hours!”
Suzi was painting a room in her house. After climbing down the ladder numerous times to answer the door when neighbourhood children stopped by, she told her daughter to make a sign asking her playmates not to ring the bell.
Several hours later, the room painting completed, Suzi went to take the sign down. To her embarrassment, she found that her daughter had written: “Do Not Ring the Doorbell. My Mother Is Busy Panting in the Bedroom.”
One day a gentleman was pushing his grocery cart down an aisle and coming to a corner met another cart about to turn into the aisle he was exiting. The carts met with quite a clash and the woman pushing the other cart became extremely hostile. She began screaming at the guy that he should pay more attention to where he was going and said he could have injured her two sons riding in her cart. No matter how apologetic he was, the woman continued to berate him. Although the collision was no more his fault than hers, he pleaded forgiveness but the woman just wouldn’t leave it alone. She continued to speak to him in a very rude manner using words that would make a sailor blush. Finally, the man said once again he was sorry and hoped her twins were ok. This sent her into an even more hostile mode yelling at him how could he possibly think her sons were twins? She asked why on earth could he could be so blind that he couldn’t see there was at least two years difference in their ages! Well, the man said, ” I didn’t think anyone would sleep with you twice”!
Some of our veterans, who have literally given almost everything for this country, are sleeping on the street!
If men can run the world, why can’t they stop wearing neckties?
How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
British Law In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store
The local bookstore had this huge display with a sign saying, “Newly Translated From the Original French: 37 Mating Positions.”
The book was already wrapped in plain brown wrapper and I just had to buy one.
Once safely at home, I opened it and found that I had just purchased an expensive book about . . . chess.
A guy goes to a girl’s house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks.
As he’s standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up and as he’s looking at it, she walks back in. He says, “What’s this?”
She says, “Oh, my father’s ashes are in there.”
He turns beat red in horror and goes, “Geez, oh..I…”
She says, “Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.”
I began thinking about my own mortality after I became a widower.
One day my daughter called home from college, and I announced to her, “I think it’s time for us to talk about where I would like to be buried.”
“It’s way too soon to even think of anything like that,” she snapped indignantly. Then there was a brief silence.
“Wait a minute, did you say married or buried?”
When I repeated buried, she said, “Oh, okay, sure.”
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter.
When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm branches.
The boy asked what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as he walked by,” his older brother explained.
“Wouldn’t you know it,” the boy fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go and He showed up!”
For many reasons.
And that’s it for today. A nice extended edition for your reading pleasure. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. So, from here I move on to Saturday’s edition and you guys … wait. Sorry about that. In the mean time, may God bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.