Dragon Laffs #2101

Well, it’s Thursday and it’s been a week!  The week before Thanksgiving week and I’m not looking forward to the holidays even more this week than last week.  It’s like a weight sitting on my chest pushing down on me.  I’m trying not to have it bother me, but … it is.  

I have my grief group on Wednesday (today, as I’m writing this it’s Monday night) and I’ll probably talk about it then and report back to you guys and let you know how it goes.

But for now, let’s get to some laughter to get a lighter mood on the day, shall we?

Oh Crap!

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…”
“I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…”
“I PRAY FOR A NEW PVR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.

  2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

  3. Surveillance should precede salutations

  4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely coetaneous profundity

  5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

  6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

  7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.

  8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

  9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.

 10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 100C'.

 11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

 12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

 13. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

 14. A plethora of individual with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoctions produced by steeping certain comestibles.

 15. Eleemosynary deeds have their insipience intramurally.

 16. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.

 17. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.

 18. Neophyte's serendipity.

 19. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hadonisita diversion renders John a habatudinous fellow.

 20. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congaries of a small, green bryophitic plant.

 21. A person presenting the ultimate cachination possess thereby the optimal cachination.

 22. Abstention from any aleatory undertakings precludes a potent potential escalation of lucrative nature.

 23. Missiles of ligneous or petrous consistency have the  potential of fracturing my osseous structures but appellations will eternally name innocuous.

 Answers


  1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

  2. Birds of a feather, flock together.

  3. Think before you speak.

  4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

  5. Don't cry over spilled milk.

  6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

  7. The pen is mighter than the sword.

  8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

  9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

 10. A watched pot doesn't boil.

 11. All that glitters is not gold.

 12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

 13. Beggers can't be choosers.

 14. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

 15. Good deeds begin at home 

 16. Dead men tell no tales.

 17. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

 18. Beginner's luck.

 19. All work and no play makes John a dull boy.

 20. A rolling stone gathers no moss.

 21. He, who laughs last, laughs best.

 22. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 23. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.  The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.  “Ok Les give me the bottle opener.”

“I didn’t bring it,” says Les.  “I thought you packed it.”

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, “Did you bring the bottle opener??”

Naturally Alan didn’t bring it.  So they’re stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.  Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it.  But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.  Twenty days pass and he still isn’t back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn’t back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can’t take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts……..

“I KNEW IT’……I’M NOT GOING!”

Lazy purple dragon laying down. Vector clip art illustration with simple gradients. All in a single layer.

Lazy Purple Dragon?  That’s my cousin Harold your talking about there pal!

Thanks to Joe for this one.  One of the sweetest things I’ve ever read.

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into His sixth day of working overtime.  An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen My spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -- and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model?  That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this Creation that is so close to My own heart.  She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have Made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made Her tough.  You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the Woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a Tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief And her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of Everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart.  Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning!

They bring joy and hope. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

However if there's one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget their worth.

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?

At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

HE SAID…..SHE SAID

He said… Want a quickie?
She said…As opposed to what? –

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you? –

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I’d love you no matter who left you the money. –

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money. –

He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded. –

He said… ‘If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.’
She said…’Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too’

“Harold is NOT just a lazy purple dragon!  Unbelievable!

There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, “Who are you?” Pat replied, “My name is Pat, I’m an Irishman, born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.” St. Peter said to Pat: “Yes, this is true! Here’s a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.”

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He’s having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he’s driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.

He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ But, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!” St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: “Pat, shush! He’s the Boss’s Son!”

I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport . We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!” This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck.”

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so…..

“Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. “

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to ‘leave her alone,’ but they wouldn’t listen.

“‘I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple minutes ago.”

While in the playground with his friend, Little Nate noticed that Rodney was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Nate.

“Nope.” replied Rodney.

“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”.

Again Rodney says “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” asks Nate.

“No,” said Rodney. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Nate was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Rodney’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Nate replied. Steve said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

John F. Kennedy is the only U.S. president to receive a Purple Heart. Lieutenant Kennedy, who served in the Navy during World War II, injured his back when a Japanese destroyer collided with his patrol torpedo boat near the Solomon Islands. As his boat sank, Kennedy refused to let his injury stop him from towing a badly burned crew member to safety. In what is perhaps the most enduring image of his heroism in the South Pacific, Kennedy swam with the man’s life jacket strap clenched between his teeth for four to five hours before reaching an island and bringing the man safely to shore. He then, while injured, kept his men safe evading capture and led them off the island to safety all the while deplaying acts of courage without regard to his own personal well being.  Presedent John F. Kenneny’s actions of bravery, heroism and leadership earned him the respect and admaration of a nation and helped him win the prsedntcy in 1960.

On the other hand…..Joe Biden sniffed kids……

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It’s irrelevant; they still don’t know they’re in the dark!

And this is a surprise because…?

And again, why does this surprise anyone? 

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.  Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore.

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Amy cries.

“I’m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replies Jamie.

“Yes, but your husband’s an antique dealer!”

I LOVE that cartoon!!!

From what I’m told, this is the very first ever crossword puzzle.  Not sure if it’s true or not, but it is cool to think about.

Way too cool!!

Three Old Ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands. the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny

The second old lady nodded, adding that the onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, she demonstrated the size of the two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying. but I can remember the guy you are talking about.”

Three young neighborhood women, having coffee, were discussing their husbands.

One said, “My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren’t mine!”

The second says, ” Well, your not alone cuz I’m sure my husband is cheating on me also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet !”

The third woman fainted !

“Mom, you need to get out of the car.”

So, it’s Wednesday night and I’m getting ready to put this issue to bed, but I did want to let you know how Grief Group went today.  We talked about the holidays and how we were going to handle it.  I’m happy to say that everyone has plans for Thanksgiving and are taking steps to be with someone who cares…well, everyone except Izzy and I.  I’m going to be with the Whelpling and the Granddragonettes this Saturday and my dear daughter-in-law’s family, which should be … interesting.  And then the Saturday after Thanksgiving I’m going to be with my dear Mary’s family at which I’m going to make Lasagna Bob for the event.  But, for Thanksgiving Day itself it’s just going to be Izzy Dragon and me since we’ve not been invited anywhere. 

We’re going to start a new tradition this year.  Izzy is not a huge turkey fan and I’m not going to make a turkey just for me, so we’re going to have Thanksgiving Schnitzel.  It will be fun.  And it will just be the two of us and I guess that will be fine.  It will have to be.  And we will do our very best to ignore emotions and have a good day. 

So, that’s it for now, may God Bless you all with joy and happiness until we meet again.

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Dragon Laffs #2100

Good Morning Campers,

What a day I’ve had already today.  It’s Saturday and let’s get to the apology first.  Let me start out by saying a HUGE thank you to Bob, who pointed this out to me in the comments section.  The article I posted in the last issue that I went on about the school that was racist and making special exception for black students for missing class, missing assignments, and misbehaving in class was a total fabrication on the part of the reporter who wrote it.  The school is, according to the school board member who brought it up, going to go through some, what they are calling, “equitable grading practices”.  Things like scoring an F at no lower than a 50% rather than a zero.  There was nothing in his presentation about dumbing down the curriculum or the three above mentioned points that everyone, including this dragon, got so upset about. 

And it seems this moron has a history of doing this repeatedly in this area.  Here’s a quote from the article that Bob sent me:

West Cook News is a product of Local Government Information Services (LGIS) and is one of about 30 conservative news sites covering various counties in Illinois. LGIS is overseen by Brian Timpone, a conservative businessman and TV journalist. Timpone, a former River Forest resident, also ran Journatic, an outlet that featured hyperlocal news stories and later gained national attention for plagiarism and for using fake bylines and quotes, according to Columbia Journal Review. 

And here is a link to the entire news article for any of you who are interested in reading it. https://www.oakpark.com/2022/06/03/oprf-responds-to-fake-news-story/

I should have taken the time to verify the article, but since it was a photograph of an actual news article, I felt like I could trust it.  Well, it WAS an actual news article.  Just written by a jerk who gives us conservatives a bad name.  I am truly sorry.

And then I got this … the complete and total opposite end of the spectrum … from Wouter who lives in the capital of South Africa and he is going to send me this!!!  You guys have to click on this and watch it.  https://9gag.com/gag/a1PdKA8?ref=wsa.mw 

It is truly amazing.  And this guy may very well grow up to be president or something equally as spectacular.  He definitely needs to be watched over, that’s for damn sure. 

Thanks to both Bob and Wouter, two very wonderful fellow campers, for two completely, yet similar reasons.  They are paying attention and sharing their wisdom with the rest of us, and that is truly what being a fellow traveler on this big blue marble is all about.

Maybe later I’ll tell you about my very short flight off my back steps in the snow this morning thanks to Willow Dragon.  Lots of blood and bruises, but no broken bones, thank God.  But for now, I think that’s enough and we should get started on the laughter.  It is Monday morning, after all and we need all the laughter we can get! 

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult.

It’s not.

Mine had me trained in two days.

Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may  freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone.  Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next 
to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of  wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

-------

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.  Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with  Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with, “I think I’d throw up!”

Some of the ancient artwork that decorates the walls of our corporate headquarters.

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.

Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was ‘DOME’ and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

“Well, what does it mean?”, I asked.

She hesitated and then replied, “It’s two words.”

There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, “Have a nice day”.

A Texan friend of mine was on a business trip in China, browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member approached him.

“Excuse me, sir, are you American?”

“Why yes, yes I am.”

“What state are you from?”

“Texas,” my friend proudly exclaimed.

Disappointed, the clerk said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English.”

You know … I’ve done this before and I STILL screwed it up!

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. 
 

First Question: 
 
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? 







 
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. 

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. 
 
Second Question: 
 
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? 








 
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you? 
 
Third Question: 
 
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. 
 









Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right? 
 
Fourth Question: 
 
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? 
 









Answer: Nunu? 
 
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again 
 





Okay, now the bonus round: 
 
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. 
 
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? 
 









He just has to open his mouth and ask.

Marking our landing spot for … well, I can’t tell you what it’s for.  Never mind.  Forget I said anything.

RemasterDirector_V0

Q:  What’s the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A:  Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

The phone rings, the woman answers.  A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

The woman replies, “Yes I do, he’s watching golf.  Who shall I say is calling?”

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes.  Problem is, he lives alone, so I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left.

Things to Ponder:

* What if my dog only brings the ball back because he thinks I like throwing it?
* If the poison expiration date is past does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?
* Which letter in “Scent” is silent?  Is it the S or the C?
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
* Why is W pronounced “double U” instead of “double V”?
* What if oxygen is killing you and it just takes 75 to 100 years to work?
* Every time you clean, you make something else dirty.
* 100 years ago, everyone had a horse, only the rich had a car.  Today, everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.  
* If you replace the “W” with a “T” in “What, Where and When”, you would have the answer to each one.
* If you rip a hole in a net, you have less holes than you started with.

From now on I’m putting on my resume that I was:

– Project Manager at Tower Records
– Regional Manager at Blockbuster
– Division Manager at KB Toy Store
– Executive Director of Toys R Us

Who’re they gonna call to verify?

The Itsy-Bitsy Paycheck just post to my account.

Down came the Bills and wiped the Money out.

Here’s another essay from Friggin’ Pete.  It’s a great one.  Thanks again Pete for your awesome inputs to this venue, you are deeply appreciated.

What Is A Veteran?

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg – or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul’s ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can’t tell a vet just by looking. What is a vet?
He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn’t run out of fuel.
He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.
She – or he – is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in DaNang.
He is the POW who went away one person and came back another – or didn’t come back AT ALL.
He is the Quantico drill instructor that has never seen combat – but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other’s backs.
He is the parade-riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.
He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.
He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean’s sunless deep.
He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket – palsied now and aggravatingly slow – who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being, a person who offered some of his life’s most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs. He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever known. So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That’s all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.

I want to add one thing.  The New York Times just printed an article questioning why certain branches of the military aren’t hitting their recruitment goals and suggesting that they should lower their standards in order to meet those goals.  And I heard screams of “NO!” echo across the country from all the veterans and military members out there who heard that.  Why is it that we are happy, as a country to keep lowering the bar to make things acceptable rather than teaching people to jump higher?  The NY Times would have us make it acceptable to lower our standards so that obesity and short people, weak people should be allowed to join.  That way when someone is wounded those lowered expectations people would be unable to carry them off the battlefield and we would end up leaving someone behind.
There are significant reasons why there are standards. 

Instead of electric cars, I think we should bring back the electric chair.  It would solve more problems.

Imagine if schools actually helped kids identify their strengths by exploring their talents from a young age and growing their skills over the 12 years instead of letting them all follow the same routine like sheep and leaving them confused in life after graduation.

So, if we don’t let athletes bet on games they have the ability to influence…

Why the hell do we allow Congress to invest in companies they regulate?!?!

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart…

It was simple really, Alison painted her nails red, and Bob had a beard. 

This next one is a great optical illusion …

If you don’t get it …

 

… look between the pillars.

In a society that has you counting money, pounds, calories, steps, and so many other things, be a rebel and count your “blessings” instead.

Considering how many adults act like children, maybe we should be more okay with kids acting like kids?

We don’t see things as they are.

We see things as we are.

Just a very short Last Word today.  I’d like to say something to everyone who wrote to me to say something to me about Veterans Day.  Mostly it was along the lines of “Thank you for your service” and to that I’d like to say “Thank you for your support” for all the current military members who are out there working it every day or, like my guys, every UTA weekend, while holding down a full-time job doing something else.  Your thanks and support are deeply appreciated, both for me and for all the rest of my fellow vets.  It means a lot. 

So, until we meet again, may your days be filled with love and happiness and may God Bless your lives. 

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #2099

As I’m writing this on Friday, and remember, the election was held three days ago, we still don’t know who holds the senate or the congress.  It’s amazing to me that in our day and age we can hold an election and not know who won.  And it’s because of the stupid election laws in some states.  It’s an election day, not an election week or even month.  Vote early, that’s fine, but what’s with being able to count these mail in votes up to days after the polls close?  I thought that when the polls close, they close? But, it does at least look like it’s going to be a Republican win.

And then Biden, when asked what he plans to change when confronted with the obvious evidence that the people (us) are unhappy with the way things are going, he replied, “Nothing.”  He says that it takes time for his plans to come to fruition and that we’ll just to be patient and wait.

What in the world is wrong with that man?  

And a Federal Judge has come out and said that his giving away OUR money in student loan relief is illegal.  Now, we’ll see if something is done about it.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS STUPID CRAP I COULD JUST SCREAM.

We need to move on to the laughter.  PLEASE!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.  The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

…and THAT, my friends, pretty well sums up the media’s approach to the news these days…….

Do you remember this guy?

Too many people have forgotten him, and many more don’t even have a clue.

“Socialism only works in two places:

Heaven, where they don’t need it, and hell where they already have it.”

– Ronald Reagan

 

“Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.’

– Ronald Reagan

 

“The most terrifying words in the English language are:

I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

– Ronald Reagan

 

“The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.”

– Ronald Reagan

“Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.”

– Ronald Reagan

 

“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.”

– Ronald Reagan

“The taxpayer:

That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.”

– Ronald Reagan

“Government is like a baby:

an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”

– Ronald Reagan

“The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.”

– Ronald Reagan

 

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.

I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

– Ronald Reagan

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.

If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

– Ronald Reagan

 

“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards;

if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.”

– Ronald Reagan

 

“No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.”

– Ronald Reagan

Visiting my sister for a few days in Chicago last fall, I decided to get her a thank you gift for staying there.

I visited a new shopping mall and approached a great looking gal in the women’s department.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for a gift for my sister,” I said eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in mine while lashing me a big devilish smile. “Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” I replied, “I think she also needs a bra and panties.”

“They’re giving away free light sabers at Guido’s Bazaar!  Come on!  Jump on!  Let’s go!”

When my daughter was about 6, my sister was baby sitting for the day.

My sister had a soap opera on the TV and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing.

My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, “your Mommy and Daddy kiss – they’re in love.”

My daughter’s rebuttal to that was “No they’re not – they’re married!”

Here’s a really good oldie but goodie.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain …

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Sven was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well.

“You have the job,” he was told, “just sign this paper.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“You’re supposed to sign your name.”

“That’s my mark,” Sven replied, “I cannot read or write.”

“What? We’re sorry to work here you have to be able to sign your name.”

Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, “Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“Your mark?” The mayor asked.

“Aih, I cannot read or write, so that’s my mark.”

“You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?” The mayor exclaimed. “Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!”

“Yes,” Sven said. “I could have been a church janitor.”

The design drawings for our new corporate headquarters.  If we can raise the funds.

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited. “Hi! I’m a zebra what are you?”

“I’m a cow,” said the cow.

“Right, what do you do?”

“I make milk for the farmer.”

“Cool.”

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it, “Hi, I’m a zebra what are you?”

“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.

“Oh, right, what do you do?”

“I make eggs for the farmer.”

“Right – o, great, see ya round.”

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra what are you.”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”

“Take off your pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

The fellow stormed into the postmaster’s office in a fury.

“I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped.”

“Of course,” said the postmaster. “Sending threatening letters through the mail is a criminal offense. Do you know who’s sending them?”

“Yes,” shouted the man. “It’s those idiots down at the Internal Revenue.”

A fundamentalist preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, with a raised voice he finished, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down and revered silence filled the church.

O’Malley, the song leader who dozed off during the sermon, stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

Good advice, but do we really need a sign?

Friend:  I’m worried about you. 

Me:  [dunks Oreo in whiskey] Why??

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose wifi signal in my kitchen.

I laughed so hard at this one

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” Great. I’ll start later.

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, “What the Hell is wrong with you?

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, & 5.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.

I envy people who grow old gracefully.  They age like a fine wine. I’m aging like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I need someone to explain to me why it’s always, “if you can’t pay your rent, buy fewer lattes and avocado toasts” and not “if you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts, rockets, and spacecraft.”

Explain it to me like I’m in Kindergarten.

Love living in end stage capitalism where a parking spot makes more an hour than I do as an EMT.

This next one has to fall into the category of:

The “OPRF will order its teacher to exclude from their grading assessments variables it says disproportionally hurt the grades of black students.  They can no longer be docked for missing class, misbehaving in school or failing to turn in their assignments.”  So basically, the OPRF is So Racist that they are saying that blacks are so incredibly stupid that they can’t be expected to turn in assignments, behave in class, or even show up to class. How absolutely incredibly racist can you get?  When you make accommodations for a group of people like this, and saying things, LIKE THIS, you are saying that, as a group, because of the color of their skin, they are incapable of behaving like a respectable human being.  That is ridiculously racist.  Expectations for EVERYONE should be exactly the same.  Otherwise you are being racist toward and for somebody.  I sure as hell wouldn’t want someone to say or think that I was incapable of not showing up, of not being able to turn in assignments, or not being able to behave myself in class.  WHY DON’T YOU SUPPOSED PROFESSIONALS REALIZE THAT?  The military figured that out a long time ago.  At least until lately and the “feel good” morons started moving in and the whole thing started falling apart. 

Uh oh… I think he’s talking about me!  Impish Dragon is an EXTREME THREAT…

I just heard on TV that 38,000 American Veterans are homeless.  How is that possible?  That is unconscionable!  We should be ashamed of ourselves!

Looking around on line, I found that these are the favorite 9 charities for helping homeless vets:

  • U.S. Veterans Initiative (U.S. Vets)
  • National Coalition for Homeless Veterans
  • The American Legion
  • Disabled American Veterans
  • Volunteers of America
  • Veterans Inc.
  • Easterseals
  • Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America
  • Operation Dignity

I am a member of The American Legion and have been for many years and I am giving a monthly donation to the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans.  It’s not much, but I figure if the Tunnels to Towers folks can do what they can do by asking folks for $11 from people than my little bit more than that a month has got to help out.  Every little bit helps.  The idea folks, is to help where ever you can, if you can, even if it’s just a little bit.

6 year-old [to her crying brother]:  It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.  

Me:  Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done.  Why is he crying?  

6 year-old:  I hit him.

2 year-old [eating his lunch]:  Papa’s coffee hot? 

Me:  Yeah baby, it’s hot, don’t touch. 

2 year-old:  Me blow on it for Papa?

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2 year-old attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it…

A fundamentalist preacher was completing a temperance sermon.  With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, with a raised voice he finished, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”  He sat down and revered silence filled the church.

O’Malley, the song leader who dozed off during the sermon, stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”

And that’s it.  I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who took the time to wish me a Happy Veteran’s Day and to Thank Me for My Service.  You are quite welcome and thank you for your support.  I hope I can continue to count on your support in the coming months and years.  To my fellow Vets out there, thank you to each and everyone of you.  And to all of you out there, May God Bless and keep you until we meet again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2098

Tomorrow is Veteran’s Day.  A day set aside for us to recognize the contributions that men and women have made in the service to our country.  I don’t care if you served for a month or for thirty years or more, the fact that you raised your hand and said that you would put YOUR life on the line before others, is enough for the rest of us to say thank you.

“I, ____________________, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”

There really isn’t that much to it. 

But, it goes so very, very deep to those of us who have taken it. 

And you’ll also notice, that there is nothing in there, like there is in a marriage vow, about, it expiring.  Like, “till death do us part” or “until my enlistment is up” or anything like that.  My first oath occurred on 17 June 1977 and it hasn’t expired yet.  And it won’t.  As far as I’m concerned, until God releases me from that vow (notice the very last line) it will remain in effect.  Even beyond my last dying breath. 

And there’s a lot of us old-timers who feel exactly the same way. 

Is it any wonder that we see what’s going on in this beautiful country of ours and it makes our blood boil?  “against all enemies foreign and domestic.”  There’s an awful lot of domestic enemies out there right now.

But tomorrow is a day to thank those men and women.  So, take a moment to find a vet and thank them for their service.  They will appreciate it.  I guarantee it.  So, let’s get on with the rest of this issue, shall we?

This next one was sent in by…

Hi Friends,

Just found this excellent tip in a 1985 Home Mechanix magazine. I’m sure this will be useful for all of you.

       …Joe

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS 

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood: 

In Memory of Beza Wood 
Departed this life 
Nov. 2, 1837 
Aged 45 yrs. 

Here lies one Wood 
Enclosed in wood 
One Wood 
Within another. 
The outer wood 
Is very good: 
We cannot praise 
The other. 

Yes, I know it was an oldie, but it’s still pretty darn funny!

That’s just too damn weird.

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location.

“It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

Came the reply: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

It’s actually Memorial Day when we honor those who have given their lives, but that’s okay, the thought still counts.  But remember this one …

And here’s another oldie, but goodie…

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King.

Each year, on the King’s birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

Each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house.

After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: People who live in grass houses, shouldn’t stow thrones. 

That’s what Izzy Dragon said.

I always like to play with my dinner a little first…

Very well said.  Amen.

Letter to the Master of the House 
To: Master of the House 
From: Dog 
Subject: Cat 

Master: 
The cat is despicable. She doesn’t do any tricks and never comes when you call and I’ve been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It’s time to get rid of the cat. 

Before the cat’s arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table – actually physically walk on the table! You don’t yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don’t see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. 

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? 

Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab – and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn’t that what’s important? 

Then there’s play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven’t I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they’ve driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can’t be sanitary. And shouldn’t she be de-clawed? I’m very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose. 

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason. I’m not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here’s a note from the hamster: 

_____________________________ 

To: Master of the house 
From: Hamster 
Subject: Cat 

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work. 

Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels 

______________________________ 

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show. 

I don’t understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I’m not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn’t she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws – you’d never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time! 

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I’ll be taking a nap and she’ll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I’m too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I’m sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet. 

Yours truly, 

The Dog 

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. “It’s the best Christmas present I ever got.” 

“That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?” 

“Oh, I don’t play it,” Little Johnny said. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.” 

Some Guardian Angels are just like that.  Others, not so much.

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him. 

There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again.. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bartender never knew what he said.. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly drawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead… 

At the cowboys hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy. “Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead. 

“Well, The cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad” ” What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him?” Asked the Judge. 

“Well, answered the cowboy, “three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass… “

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle. 

While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night’s dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it. 

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. 

He pulled one aside and asked, …”Did I screw up the cooking” 

“No”, the cowboy replied, “You cooked up the screwing.” 

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, “Man oh Man, I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.” 

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?” 

“Well,” the guy explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity.” 

Astounded, the girl replies, “So you really love me?” 

“Oh God no!” the guy says. “I just got sick of waiting.” 

Today’s Engineering Lesson:

You may not understand this unless you have studied physics.  Here’s the math:

Here’s the explanation:

Here’s the illustration:

And here’s the practical demonstration:

And that’s your Physics Lesson for Today

And thanks to Stephen B. for today’s Physics Lesson.

When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian said:
‘Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.’

Changes

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and quit lying around.

He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change dat had done overtook him.

Boudreaux explained, “I heard ‘Crisis in da Gulf’ and if He’s dat close, I wanna to be good to go!”

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

Oh HELL NO!

So Let Me Get This Straight…

I got to the grocery store and buy:
A pound of sliced ham wrapped in plastic;
A loaf of bread in a plastic bag;
A pack of napkins wrapped in plastic;
A ready-made salad in a plastic container;
A plastic bottle of mustard;
And a plastic bottle of ketchup;

But they won’t give me a plastic bag to carry it home, because the plastic bag is bad for the environment?

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

And stupid.  We should be scared shitless of stupid.

Got this one on the comments section and figured it would be easier to answer it here … cause it’s kinda confusing:

Bob Mink

17 hours ago

Dragon Laffs #2097

U R just a kid if U were hatched in 66. Had been in the AF 16 years when U were born. I am retired AF. retired everything now, born in 33. Lost my wife 14 years ago, miss her every day. Still tell her good night before going to bed.

Bob, trying to figure out how I gave you the impression I was hatched in 66.  Maybe you did the math when I told you about my total government service or something.  That’s off by 8 years.  My egg cracked open in 58, which means you were only in the Air Force for 6 years when I was born.  Still quite impressive at that.  I’m going to be 64 this December, which makes you in the vicinity of … much older than me.  
My deepest and sincerest condolences on the loss of your dear wife, and … well, I understand completely about all of it, sir.  It is truly one of those that, if you haven’t experienced it, you can you can sympathize but never truly empathize. 
And on another note, thank you for your service, brother.  There’s always the desire when two (or more) fellow service members get together to do the where were you when type questions to see if you ever trod the same chunk of flightline as someone else.
And to all my fellow veterans out there either current or otherwise, thank each and everyone of you for your service.  What you have done or are doing is important, it matters, it means something.  It is not something that everyone can do.  It is prejudicial and exclusive.  We don’t take just anybody off the street.  And if that hurts the feelings of the trans and the gender confused and others, well then I’m sorry … no I’m not.
I’m really not.
My life, my buddy’s life, YOUR life, and possible the lives of all my friends, family and loved ones back home depend on the fact that I need the most reliable, capable, disciplined, unflinching, toughest, meanest, dedicated, intelligent, loyal, honest person out there.  If you don’t measure up, then we don’t want you.  It has nothing to do with the color of your skin or whether your a man or a woman.  But, don’t expect to get a break because your a woman or a minority or any of the gazzillion other things that people seem to get wrapped up about lately.  That’s nonsense.  Are the bullets going to magically stay away from you or the equipment you have to lug around weigh less or the decisions you have to make or any of the other myriad of things that go into the job change because of your race or your gender or anything else?
No.
Of course not.
So, race and gender and all that nonsense have absolutely NOTHING to do with it.
Only ability.  You either have the ability or you don’t.
But, no breaks given either way.
Okay, that went way tangentially from where I started.  So, let’s get back to the fun stuff.
  

“I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin,” the mother said. “Where is he?”

“Well,” her son replied thoughtfully, “if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he’s out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he’s out swimming.”

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier. 

“Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this  battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. Well guess what? It died after only six months!” 

“Geez, I’m sorry”, apologized the garage owner. 

“I didn’t think your car would last any longer than that.” 

And that is it my friends.  May your day be filled with love and happiness, until we meet again.

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Dragon Laffs #2097

Tomorrow is the day!  Get your butt out there and

As Robert Heinlein once said, and I’m paraphrasing here, there may not be anyone you want to vote for, but there most certainly is someone is you want to vote against.  Get out there and vote!  That’s tomorrow and it’s important.

I was going to tell you all about the “Getting Through The Holidays” special Grief Group thingy that I went through Saturday morning, but in all honesty, it was pretty damn hard.  I spent most of the day yesterday with tears in my eyes and spent most of the day today, Sunday sick to my stomach.  So, I think I’m going to pass on that, at least for now.  So, in the meantime 

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. 

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn’t take long before he is on the stool next to her. 

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, “You’re really hot!” 

You’re pretty cute, too,” she says to him. “I’ll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?” 

It sounds great!” the man eagerly replies. 

“Before we go up there though”, the woman says, “I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?” 

“Well…uh…I’m not exactly sure what that is, man answers, “but it sure sounds interesting and I’m willing to learn! Let’s go!” 

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. 

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can’t believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. 

“Now, you’re *sure*,” the woman asks, “that you want to do it Greek style?” 

“Definitely!” the man replies. 

“All right, then,” says the woman. “Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees.” 

“Sounds like fun!” the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. 

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?” 

“Yeah! Yeah!” says the man. 

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can’t move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?” 

The man’s muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. 

“Yeah!” he mumbles, “Greek style!” 

The woman’s grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, “GUS!” 

1. Part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest needs to start their directions at step 5, because I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word, and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

“Okay, so here’s the plan.  At nightfall, we attack the castle.  Dragon, you have the ground attack.  George, you attack from the air.  No.  Wait.  Reverse that.”

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.  I don’t have it.  I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning on their own.

If I were a ghost, I would go into homes of people with OCD and tilt all the pictures on their walls…

I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s a second passenger who’s not wearing their seatbelt.

My car does that with my cellphone and sometimes my tablet, but not my backpack … and I can’t figure that one out at all?

I got nothing.  But, it is a cool picture.

Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective.  I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Cop:  Do you mind identifying the body [puts hand on my shoulder] I have to warn you the body was hacked up. 

Me:  [tearing up] Yes, that’s my brother Reese. 

Cop:  You’re sure? 

Me:  [nodding] Those are Reese’s Pieces.

A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?”

So the next day I wore Tap Shoes to work.

Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, “Skip Intro” when they start talking to you.

But fantastically funny.

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter nonsense.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling…

All she gave up was sex.

I am absolutely speechless.  I used to think that there was a kink for everyone out there somewhere, but whoever it was who came up with this one … wrong, in so very many ways.  WRONG!

Bill Clinton paid Paula Jones $850,000 after he assaulted her, does anyone remember the FBI raiding his attorney?  Neither do I.

I’m sick of my tax dollars being wasted digging up dirt on Trump while the evidence is blatantly clear against Hillary and Obama.

And Hunter and “The Big Guy” and …

A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don’t have one, you’ll never need one again.

Wrong, I tell you. WRONG!

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. 

I wasn’t aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

“This is our prison quartet,” he said, “behind a few bars and always looking for the key.”

I saw 6/6/66, 7/7/77, 8/8/88, 9/9/99, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, 12/12/12, and now all the way to 2/22/22 … do you know what that means?!?!

Damn, I’m old!

Tomorrow is Jamaican Hairstyle Day…

I’m dreading it!

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you!  You got so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

And that’s it for today.  I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing.  Until next time.

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