Well, it’s Thursday and it’s been a week! The week before Thanksgiving week and I’m not looking forward to the holidays even more this week than last week. It’s like a weight sitting on my chest pushing down on me. I’m trying not to have it bother me, but … it is.
I have my grief group on Wednesday (today, as I’m writing this it’s Monday night) and I’ll probably talk about it then and report back to you guys and let you know how it goes.
But for now, let’s get to some laughter to get a lighter mood on the day, shall we?
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.
At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…”
“I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…”
“I PRAY FOR A NEW PVR…”
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”
To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”
1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous. 2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 3. Surveillance should precede salutations 4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely coetaneous profundity 5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid. 6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore. 8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers. 9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion. 10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 100C'. 11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration. 13. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 14. A plethora of individual with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoctions produced by steeping certain comestibles. 15. Eleemosynary deeds have their insipience intramurally. 16. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony. 17. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles. 18. Neophyte's serendipity. 19. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hadonisita diversion renders John a habatudinous fellow. 20. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congaries of a small, green bryophitic plant. 21. A person presenting the ultimate cachination possess thereby the optimal cachination. 22. Abstention from any aleatory undertakings precludes a potent potential escalation of lucrative nature. 23. Missiles of ligneous or petrous consistency have the potential of fracturing my osseous structures but appellations will eternally name innocuous. Answers 1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. 2. Birds of a feather, flock together. 3. Think before you speak. 4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. 5. Don't cry over spilled milk. 6. Cleanliness is next to godliness. 7. The pen is mighter than the sword. 8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. 9. Spare the rod and spoil the child. 10. A watched pot doesn't boil. 11. All that glitters is not gold. 12. Where there's smoke, there's fire. 13. Beggers can't be choosers. 14. Too many cooks spoil the broth. 15. Good deeds begin at home 16. Dead men tell no tales. 17. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. 18. Beginner's luck. 19. All work and no play makes John a dull boy. 20. A rolling stone gathers no moss. 21. He, who laughs last, laughs best. 22. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. 23. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. “Ok Les give me the bottle opener.”
“I didn’t bring it,” says Les. “I thought you packed it.”
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, “Did you bring the bottle opener??”
Naturally Alan didn’t bring it. So they’re stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace. Twenty days pass and he still isn’t back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn’t back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can’t take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts……..
“I KNEW IT’……I’M NOT GOING!”
Lazy Purple Dragon? That’s my cousin Harold your talking about there pal!
Thanks to Joe for this one. One of the sweetest things I’ve ever read.
By the time the Lord made woman, he was into His sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen My spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -- and she will do everything with only two hands." The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this Creation that is so close to My own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days." The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have Made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made Her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?", asked the angel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate." The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the Woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." "That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a Tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief And her pride." The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of Everything! Woman is truly amazing." And she is!! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart. Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning! They bring joy and hope. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give. However if there's one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget their worth.
What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?
At a hockey game you see fast pucks.
HE SAID…..SHE SAID
He said… Want a quickie?
She said…As opposed to what? –
He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you? –
He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I’d love you no matter who left you the money. –
She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money. –
He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded. –
He said… ‘If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.’
She said…’Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too’
“Harold is NOT just a lazy purple dragon! Unbelievable!
There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, “Who are you?” Pat replied, “My name is Pat, I’m an Irishman, born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.” St. Peter said to Pat: “Yes, this is true! Here’s a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.”
Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He’s having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he’s driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.
He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ But, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!” St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: “Pat, shush! He’s the Boss’s Son!”
I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport . We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.
So I asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!” This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck.”
He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.
The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so…..
“Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. “
A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to ‘leave her alone,’ but they wouldn’t listen.
“‘I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago.”
While in the playground with his friend, Little Nate noticed that Rodney was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.
“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Nate.
“Nope.” replied Rodney.
“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”.
Again Rodney says “Nope.”
“You didn’t steal it, did you?” asks Nate.
“No,” said Rodney. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.
Nate was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Rodney’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Nate replied. Steve said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”
John F. Kennedy is the only U.S. president to receive a Purple Heart. Lieutenant Kennedy, who served in the Navy during World War II, injured his back when a Japanese destroyer collided with his patrol torpedo boat near the Solomon Islands. As his boat sank, Kennedy refused to let his injury stop him from towing a badly burned crew member to safety. In what is perhaps the most enduring image of his heroism in the South Pacific, Kennedy swam with the man’s life jacket strap clenched between his teeth for four to five hours before reaching an island and bringing the man safely to shore. He then, while injured, kept his men safe evading capture and led them off the island to safety all the while deplaying acts of courage without regard to his own personal well being. Presedent John F. Kenneny’s actions of bravery, heroism and leadership earned him the respect and admaration of a nation and helped him win the prsedntcy in 1960.
On the other hand…..Joe Biden sniffed kids……