Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers!

And a Happy Saint Patrick’s Day to you all!

What a weekend it’s going to be!

As you are reading this I’m either getting ready for or already at our Darts Banquet for last season.  Here’s how that’s going to play out:

Doors open at noon
Food starts at 1 pm
Awards at 2 pm
First Blind Draw at 3 pm
Second Blind Draw at 7 pm
Done by about midnight.

Alcohol and sharp objects!  Good family fun!

Then on Sunday, we will be having our Family St. Patrick’s Day celebration at the in-laws.  Now, I’m not that Irish.  Just enough to wear green on The Day.  But Mrs. Dragon’s family is VERY Irish.  Her father has claimed multiple times in multiple places to be FBI.  (Full Blooded Irish)  In point of fact, he has claimed to be FBI (Full Blooded Irish) to the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation) while he was a mailman and had occasion to have dealings with the FBI (Federal Bureau of Investigation). 

Yes, it does get a bit confusing. 

Now, fair warning, I’m not sure if there will be an issue NEXT week as, if you can read between the lines and multiply the alcohol, you will see that it will be a difficult week for me recovery wise.

But, we shall see!  Indeed we shall!

So now, let us all begin today’s laffter!!

Just before I die, I’m going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.  My cremation is going to be EPIC!!

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

“Sir,” she said “You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn’t resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men restrooms don’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn’t wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

“What happened?” he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.”

“The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

“MEN NEVER LISTEN”

I’m on a light diet.
I eat by daylight,
I eat by moonlight,
And sometimes I eat by refrigerator light.

I’m glad to see that Lethal is still out causing trouble.

On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed  his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect  his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at  their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines. When he’d finished, he went into each and every room  and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new  boyfriend, and at first all was bliss. Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out  the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators  were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!…People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house…The maid  quit. Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer,  and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors  refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser,  they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex  called the  woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really  was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered  the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling  as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home and to spite the ex-husband… they even took the curtain rods. I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON’T YOU?

Subject: The ZIPPER

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.  For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.  With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, an older Italian/American name Luigi who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.  She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched,

“How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

Luigi smiled and said, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

BADA BING

There are 2 kinds of people in the world:

1. Morning people

2.  People who want to shoot morning people

FUN FACT: In 1770, British parliament banned lipstick, saying it had the power to seduce men into marriage, which was classified as witchcraft.

We have another special day this week.  Wednesday, March 20th, Spring arrives with the Vernal Equinox (also called the Spring Equinox or the March Equinox) at 5:58 pm.  This date and time marks the first astronomical day of spring in the Northern Hemisphere.

The Equinox is the time when the day equals the night, supposedly.  That doesn’t truly happen because the day starts as the first pinpoint of light peeks over the horizon and does not end until the last of the sun slips below the horizon.  If the sun were just a pinpoint of starlight then it would be much closer to being equal.

Regardless of the science.  Wednesday is Spring!  And warmer weather is coming.  I don’t know about you, but I’m sure ready!

1998: “Don’t get in car with strangers.”

2008: “Don’t meet people from the internet alone.”

2019: Uber…Order yourself a stranger from the internet to into a car with alone.

Last year, I joined a support group for antisocial people.

We haven’t met, yet.

I’m sorry, but this one just cracked me up!  Really gonna have to try it out.

Pretty much my goal…except I want to be 115 years-old.

Thought it was time for some political funnies.  Sadly, most of them weren’t funny.

Don’t make excuses for nasty people.  You can’t put a flower in an asshole and call it a vase!

When they walk down the aisle in their underwear it’s “Art” and “Fashion”

When I do it I’m “Drunk” and “Not Allowed Back in Target”

One of my biggest faults is that when I ask someone their name, I forget to listen to what their name is.

Mom: If a stranger come up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up.” What would you say?

Kid: I’d say, “You’re lying.  My mom has no friends.”

Mom: Not where I was going, but ok.

Taking a dog named “Shark” to the beach is a very bad idea.

I asked my dog what time it was.  He looked at me and said, “How should I know?  I’m not a watch dog!”

I spent 20 minutes with a mind reader…

She went insane.

Squirrel!

The Left is now protesting fences or walls around cemeteries claiming their voter base can’t get out.

Squirrel!

Once you hit a certain age, you become permanently unimpressed by a lot of stuff.

Nature vs. Technology!

Eagle!

This “Killing them with kindness” is taking way longer then I expected. 

Dammit I’m mad is Dammit I’m mad spelled backwards.

I can’t believe how old people my age are

My super power is holding on to junk for years and throwing it away a week before I need it

I always knew I’d get old.  How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

I got called “pretty” today!

Well, actually the full statement was “you’re pretty fucking annoying” But I only focus on positive things.

If you weigh 200 pounds on Earth, you’ll be only 76 pounds on Mars.  You’re not overweight, you’re just not on the right planet.

I think senility is going to be a fairly smooth transition for me.

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, “Hey look!  That one is shaped like an idiot!”

Be the reason someone smiles today.

Or the reason they drink.

Whatever works.

Good Morning Campers,

So, after the hell last week of working killer shifts all weekend and the exercise and everything else, and Monday I finally got back to my own office and I walked in the door and my office was 55 F degrees!  And the F stands for Friggin’!

The worst part is that I work for Civil Engineering!  The guys that fix the heat for the whole base!  What the hell is up with that!  I mean, really!

And then, on Wednesday, I’m in this new Supervisors class, one day a week, I have an online seminar (a webinar) that lasts an hour and a half.  Now, keep that in mind, as I give you this little tidbit.  I’d be willing to bet, that the United States Air Force is the most technologically advanced military service in the world.  Okay, now back to the story, so I have to sign in to Adobe Connect to view and participate in this webinar.  I have four different ways to do that from my technologically advanced laptop at work.

None of them worked.

Three different web browsers and a program.

None

Of

Them

Worked!!!!!

So I grab my personal iPad, with crappy telephone connection, download an app, and within three minutes I was in the webinar…on my personal iPad….advanced technology my ass!

So with that little update, what do you say we start up the laffs!

I know a couple of people who could have done this.

I’m not saying Mississippi weather is crazy, but I just watched a mosquito, wearing a sweater, snort a line of pollen off the hood of my car.

I probably know this guy, too.

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for like five minutes.  The problem is, he lives alone.

So, I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left.

People need to understand the difference between want and need.  For example:

I want ABS,
But I need PIZZA.

Wife: “Don’t just assume that when I’m angry, I’m on my period.  Otherwise, when you’re sleeping, I’ll just “assume” you’re dead and bury you in my backyard.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

Bread is like the sun…it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist

I was sitting in my truck at Walmart watching this guy who apparently forgot where he parked.  He kept putting his remote in the air and every time he squeezed it … I honked my horn.

Join the 3 days challenge!
”NO ALCOHOL”
Feb 29, 30, & 31

Income tax: the fine you pay for being productive

Welfare: the reward you get for being unproductive

Only Italians understand that, “How you doin’?” is just a greeting, not a question.  Nobody really gives a shit how you’re doing.

Can one survive on Girl Scout Cookies?

(Asking for a friend)

“When you stick it in my mouth, do you want me to look in your eyes?”

“Ma’am, just blow in the breathalyzer, please.”

So, today is Friday, and I was expecting a ton of snow.  The weather people promised me a ton of snow, the weather guy at work promised me a ton of snow, and did I get a ton of snow?

No!

Now I’m hugely disappointed.

You don’t like dragons when they are disappointed.

I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile – Then you walk in to a pole.

Hey!  Don’t forget Saturday night/Sunday morning it’s time to change your clocks.  At one am, like magic, it suddenly becomes two am.

Okay, that’s all the reminder you’re going to get.

The only exercise I’ve done this month is running out of money.

We have a Booker, a Hooker, and an Indian running for President.  We are one Cowboy short of the Village People.

Dear Diet,
Things just aren’t going to work out between us.  It’s not me, it’s you.  You are tasteless, boring and I can’t stop cheating on you.

Laughing is the best medicine.  But, if you’re laughing for no reason, you may need medicine.

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years-old and had just recovered from an accident.

Someone had given me a little “tea set” as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.  Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of “tea”, which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy team, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was “just the cutest thing!”

My Mom waited, and sure enough, I walked down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watched him drink it up.

The she says, (as only a mother would know…), “Did it ever occur to you that the only place that your daughter can reach to get water is the toilet?”

It just wouldn’t be an issue without some of these…

And that’s it for today my friends.

Until next week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

I’m sorry but there won’t be an issue this week. The good news is that it’s not because of another death or medical emergency in my family, and I won’t make any jokes about that for fear of tempting fate (and it’s in really bad taste).

But, the bad news is that I’ll be working crazy 15 hour shifts between now and Monday.

The good news is that’s some crazy overtime pay!

The bad news is it’s liable to friggin’ kill me!

Oh damn! There’s that joke in bad taste right there!

Shit!

Forget I said that last bit.

Cheers my friends!

Until we meet again!

Good Morning Campers,

Very busy week this week so no real lead in.  Let’s just get to it.

There once was a farmer whose wife had died and left him with three beautiful teenage daughters. Every weekend, when they went out on dates, the farmer would stand at the door with his shotgun, making it clear to their dates he wanted no trouble from them.

Another Saturday night came around. At about 7 pm., there was a knock on the door. He answered and the young man said,

“Hi, my name’s Joe. I’m here for Flo. I’m taking her to the show. Is she ready to go?”

The farmer thought he was a clever boy and wished them a good time.

A few minutes later, another knock was heard. A second boy appeared and said,

“Hi, I’m Eddie. I’m here for Betty. I’m taking her for spaghetti. I hope she’s ready.”

He thought that he must know Joe, but bade them off as well with his best wishes.

A few minutes after that, a third knock was heard.

“Hi, I’m Chuck…”

 

Tax return submitted by a New Jersey citizen.

The IRS returned a tax return to a man in New Jersey after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly. In response to question 23: “Do you have anyone dependent on you?”, the man wrote: “2.1 million illegal immigrants,1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000criminals in over 85 prisons, plus 650 idiots in Washington, and the entire group that call themselves politicians”.

On the returned form, someone at the IRS had attached a Post-it Note beside the question with an arrow and the words: “Your response to question 23 is unacceptable.”

The man sent it back to the IRS with his response on the bottom of the Post It Note: “Who did I leave out?”

Due to a power outage, the house was very dark so the paramedic asked little 3 year-old Kathleen to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.  When little Connor was born, the paramedic lifted him by his feet and spanked him on his bottom and he began to cry.

The paramedic then asked the wide-eyed 3 year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place, spank him again!”

I promised myself I’d do things differently today, so I’m sitting at the other end of my couch.

Because our former small-town parish was not a wealthy one, our pastor was dependent on parishioners for upkeep and maintenance of the church. Once he asked my husband, Sam, to rewire the confessionals.
The only way to reach the wiring was to enter the attic above the altar and crawl over the ceiling by balancing on the rafters. Concerned for my husband’s safety, I waited in a pew.
Unbeknownst to me, some parishioners were congregating in the vestibule. They paid little attention to me, probably assuming I was praying.
Worried about my husband, I looked up toward the ceiling and yelled, “Sam, Sam — are you up there? Did you make it okay?”
There was quite an outburst from the vestibule when Sam’s hearty voice echoed down, “Yes, I made it up here just fine!”

I don’t have any bad habits.

I’m good at all of them.

I’d prefer a job where I am politely ignored and left to my own devices…with unlimited internet access, cupcakes, and coffee.

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.

Sort of brings a tear to your eye.

This next one was sent to me by the Whelpling…

Son: Mom, can I sleep with you?  I’m scared.

Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.

Got arrested last night…

I guess in hindsight, getting drunk and running through Arby’s –nude – yelling, “I HAVE THE MEAT!” was a bad idea.

Semper Fi! Brother!

When marijuana is legalized all taxes on it should go to road repairs and the program should be called “Operation Pot Holes.”

The good news is: I’ve made it to my Golden Years!

The bad news is: There ain’t no gold…

We all love animals…right?

I like to play this game called nap roulette.  It’s where I take a nap but don’t set an alarm.

Will it be a 30 minute nap?  Will it be a 3 hour nap?  Will I wake up tomorrow?

Nobody knows.

But it’s risky.

And I LIKE IT!

Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) I can’t see you anymore!  I am NOT going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up.  You did one sit up.

And with that cheerful thought, that’s the end of the laffs for this week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

So…yeah…all of that happened. 

And it hasn’t been easy.  But, as my friend Erin says, “That’s pretty normal.”  Yup, that’s me….pretty normal.

Not friggin’ likely!

But………

In this, yeah. 

And I have to tell you all that I am so very grateful to all of you for the outpouring of love that I received.  It made all the difference in the world. I’m not sure I’d even be as well off as I’m am…or not…without you guys.  Thank you all so very much.

One thing being off line has caused me though is…glancing over at my inbox, I have 1579 unread emails!  Holy crap!  So, it’s gonna take me a little while to get through those!  But, that’s also okay.  It means lots of laughs for you guys.

Now!

We missed a special day this last week!  Tuesday was Momma Diaman’s Birthday!!!  Happy (Belated) Birthday, Mom!

Hope you had a great day! 

Everybody send an email to Diaman and tell her happy birthday!  No….sadly, I can’t give you her email, that goes against our privacy policy…or at least my own personal privacy policy.

Okay…….next, let get to some of those laffs that we ALL need right now!

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly ‘against’ sin.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, “You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don’t affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman. Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!”

Tryouts for the U.S. Olympic women’s marathon swim team were to be held.. The first was in California; a swim from Santa Monica to Catalina Island doing only the breaststroke.
Three women signed up for the tryouts: a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde.
The race started, and after approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the winner. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled ashore and was declared the second place finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete this regulation breaststroke race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.”

I can drive a woman wild with my tongue!
It’s pretty easy…
All you do is say, “Have you put on weight?”

 

The next thing we need to talk about is this past Thursday was Valentine’s Day!  And since you guys are all my favorite Valentines…

And now…because of course, we can’t just leave it at that…

Okay…and back to our regularly scheduled program…

Bob’s wife, Mary, and Bob started a diet a week ago.

Mary suggested that they should have a cheat day, today.

Mary brought home McDonald’s burgers, KFC wings, and Bob brought home his secretary.

From his hospital bed, Bob is now wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.

No similarity between Mr. and Mrs. Dragon is suggested or implied.

Once again, no similarity between Mr. or Mrs. Dragon is suggested or implied.

Okay, this next one is horrible and I apologize immensely….but I just couldn’t help myself.

A girl sneezed in the pub and her glass eye flew out and landed in my hand.  I took it back to her and we got chatting.

After a few beers, I took her home and shagged her.

Wondering if she was a bit of a slapper, I asked her, “Do you shag everyone on a first date?”

She said, “No, only those that catch my eye…”

So, like I said…sorry.

I was in psychology class yesterday…

and we couldn’t stop laughing about how stupid Pavlov’s dogs were.  Then the bell rang and we all had lunch.

Hey!  How about a bunch of animal funnies?  What was it we called those?????

My doctor asked me if I ever had a stress test?  “Yes,” I replied.  “It’s called life.”

I’m putting myself in a ‘time out’ until I’m able to play nice with others…This could take a while!

Work?
Really?
Again?
Didn’t I just do that yesterday?

Three surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.  The first surgeon said, “Electricians are the best.  Everything inside is color coded.”

The second surgeon says, “No.  I think librarians are the best.  Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.”

The third surgeon shut them both up when he said, “You’re all wrong.  Politicians are the easiest to operate on.  There’s no guts, no heart, no brain, and no spine.  Plus the head and the ass are interchangeable!”

I’m so offended when my body decides to be sick!

I gave you a vegetable last week!  How dare you!

Okay, we’ll do some motivationals and call it an issue.

Not sure ingenuity is the word I’d use…

My uncle just texted me asking what does IDK mean. 

I said I don’t know…

He said damn!  Nobody does!

Being kissed while you’re asleep is one of the most purest forms of love…

Unless you are in prison.

That’s it dear friends.  I hope you enjoyed and until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

 

 

Rest in Peace my dear ones.