Dragon Laffs #2022

I was listening to the radio and I heard that Finland’s 34 year-old Prime Minister has proposed a 4 day work week with a 6 hour work day.  Can you imagine?  A 24 hour work week.  Wow.  I’d love a 24 hour UTA weekend sometimes!  I couldn’t imagine if that was an actual work week.

Anyway, Part I of Lord of the Rings Day was a huge success.  We watched all three of the Hobbit movies.  Started at about noon and finished at about nine-thirty at night.  Izzy Dragon really got into it and actually cried when Smaug died.  I’ll admit, it was such a sad part of the movie, I may have shed a tear or two myself.  NOT this Sunday, because I’m working this weekend, but possibly next Sunday since I’m only working Saturday of THAT weekend, we will attempt the actual Ring Trilogy.  The three extended version movies are a total of twelve hours and six minutes long, which means with pee breaks and food breaks and such, it may take us up to fourteen hours to watch.  So, in order to make it through in one day, we’ll have to start around eight in the morning… which we ALL KNOW is NEVER going to happen.  There is no way in Middle Earth that I’m going to get that baby dragon of mine up and doing anything useful at that time of the morning.  So, we either split it between two days OR we do it on a day where we don’t have to get have to get up the next day.  We’ll see.

Anyway, let’s get some laughter started and see where this issue takes us, shall we?

Things I have in common with Victoria’s Secret models:

1.  I’m always hungry

If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing that I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

“Gee, thanks mom.”

You do realize that the reason so many cool Halloween costumes are showing up right now is because that is what is in my emails right now and that is because that is where I am in my emails right now and that is because that’s how friggin’ FAR BEHIND IN MY EMAILS I AM RIGHT NOW!!!

I have, right now, 478 unread emails. Four hundred, seventy-eight! Before I started writing today, there were over five hundred. Yeah…I’m just a little bit behind.

“SURPRISE!  Oh shit, you found me.  Okay, now its your turn to hide and I’ll count…one…two…three…four…”

You know it, I know it, she knows it, and even deep down, he probably knows it as well.

Halloween till now isn’t THAT bad … is it?

Whadda ya say we start out with this one from Friggin’ Pete…

Friggin Pete

5 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2019

What’s even worse about the “open box before eating pizza” is that it is printed on the flap that tucks inside the outside bottom flap so, you have to open the box to see that it tells you to open the box….SMFH!!!

Okay, I’ll go you one better … how about this picture:

Do we really require a sign that advises people not to put toys from a machine up their asses? 
Oh? 
Is the machine for those toys somewhere else? 
Did I come to the wrong machine? 
My mistake. 
Terribly sorry. 
I’ll find the correct, toy shoving up my ass machine someplace else!! 
Dear God!  Is this really required in today’s society?!?!  And you know it’s probably the result of a lawsuit or something.  Somebody had their Emergency Room bills paid for by this company because THERE WAS NO WARNING LABEL ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE MACHINE.

Oh, the agony!!

reijo

3 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2020

Impish: Glad to hear you are doing better.
reijo

Hank

3 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2020

Eye have the addiction….to Dragon stuff. Better than stuff doc gave me to undepress me.

Thanks fellas, that means a lot!

Marsha Mastrangelo

2 days ago

Dragon Laffs #2020

I recently had a friend give me an Ancestry DNA test as a gift. My mother died when I was 10 and there is no one left to ask questions….but you just told me I’m part dragon! I fit all those you have listed!

Marsha, that means we are related!!!

We have the GREATEST putt putt golf course

Look for it, you’ll see it.

So now, dear Stephanie is sending me these things…

I know what you are, and I’m sure some of you out there know what you are as well.  For the rest of you, I’ll give you a couple of memes or cartoons and then tell you.  Time enough to think about it.

Not here yet…  we’ll give you a few more minutes

Bacon is 73% fat, and very salty. 

Me too, bacon, meeee, too.

Okay, so, this time, we’ll do it right.  The answer is ….

Neutering your pets makes them less nuts.

Once again, look for it, you’ll see it.

The other day, at a thrift store, I bought an old record album called, “Sounds Wasps Make”.  When I got it home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn’t sound anything like wasp sounds.” Then I realized, I was playing the Bee side.

It’s been much easier on us dragons ever since…the skies have been much less crowded.

Been a while since I’ve done these because it’s been a while since I’ve had any of these…

So…

If shutting down Russia’s Pipeline is supposed to cripple their Economy

Why then did we shut ours down??

Your TRIGGERS are your friggin’ responsibility!!  It isn’t the world’s obligation to tiptoe around your cupcake ass!

“If the TRUTH makes you uncomfortable, don’t blame the TRUTH… 

blame the LIE, that made you comfortable.”

Need to have that one framed and put over my desk.

That one is pretty neat…I had no idea.

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss”, I assume that means they didn’t really do anything at all and are just taking the credit for it.

And that my friends is that for today.  I hope you all had as much fun as I did.  May your days be filled with love and happiness with the ones you are closest to.  Hug them and take the opportunity to tell them what they mean to you.  Until we meet again.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dragon Laffs #2021

So, it’s Friday, you haven’t even read Saturday’s issue yet and I’m starting on Monday’s.  Now, mind you, it’s LATE on Friday night, but Izzy and I have got plans for Sunday, so this issue must be done no later than Saturday or you guys don’t get an issue on Monday. 

See, Sunday is Mother’s Day and both Izzy Dragon and I DO NOT want to be overly burdened with reminders of that, therefore, we will be doing a … 

I have recently found out that my little dragon has never seen any of the Lord of the Ring movies nor read any of the books.  So, Sunday I am going to drown her in it.  It should be lots of fun.

Anyway, let’s get some laughter started and we’ll do some talking as we go along.

One minute you’re 21, staying up all night drinking beer, eating pizza and doing sketchy stuff just for fun. 

THEN… in a blink of an eye you’re 60, drinking water, eating kale, and you can’t do any sketchy stuff, because you pulled a muscle putting on your socks.

Onion rings are vegetable donuts.

If a cookie falls on the floor and you pick it up … that’s a squat, right?

Sometimes actions shots are the best.

You know you’re getting older when a recliner and a heating pad is your idea of a hot date.

My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.  I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening in!  
She laughed.
I laughed.
Alexa laughed.
Siri laughed.

John is having a bad day.

He tried to button his shirt and the button fell off. 

He picked up his briefcase and the handle fell off.

He went to open the door and the doorknob fell off.

Now he’s afraid to pee.

“I’m off to work.  See you this evening when I get home!”

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

I got a call from a telemarketer and he said he couldn’t understand me.  I told him to press 1 for English.

I’m not much on seizing the day.  I just kinda poke it with a stick.

If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with, “I shouldn’t be telling you this…”

Okay, so not much to write about in between the humor, but I did get it done in time for Izzy Dragon and mine’s movie marathon.  May your weekend be as good as mine hopes to be.  Love and happiness to you and yours.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2020

Okay, so I’ve been starting this off lately with things that have been going wrong.  And I’d like to change that.  As you know, last week I spent Thursday evening in the Emergency Room.  That was one week ago today (as I’m writing this, not as you guys are reading this) and some significant things have taken place since then. 

First of all, I stopped taking the antidepressants cold turkey … You can’t do that Impish!  Well, I did.  My doctor said that I could try a different one and I said no. 

Secondly, I am forcing myself to eat regular, or at least semi-regular meals.  The problem is, that I really just don’t give a shit about eating.  I’m continuing to lose weight, probably too much weight too fast and it might be hurting me.  So, I’ve decided to try to eat better, if not well.   

Thirdly, I got a VERY special comment from Marsha that, before you go looking for it, was so special and so personal, I didn’t approve (did you guys know that I have to approve every comment?) and deleted and answered her in an email and rambled on quite a while, that really touched me quite deeply.

Fourthly, on Wednesday I had one of the best conversations with my counselor/therapist that I’ve had.  I left feeling better about things than I have felt since my dearest passed.  My heart was lifted, at least a little bit and consequently, Wednesday night, when I slept, I actually dreamed, for the first time since.  I dreamed and remembered that I dreamed, which means I attained REM sleep, which means I actually GOT REST!  A true accomplishment. 

Which means lastly, I am actually feeling better today, Thursday, then I have felt since … well … in a really long, long time.  I have no worries about Mrs. Dragon’s health and medical bills (more about that in a second) and well, my (somewhat) positive attitude is starting to return and I feel pretty good today.  More clear headed and stuff than I felt in a long time. 

Now, Izzy Dragon and I were at the hospital the other day getting her some routine lab work done and I stopped in at the financial office and asked about remaining bills for Mrs. Dragon since I haven’t received the spectacular medical bill for her ICU stay yet and I was told that there is still a $34,000 bill out there waiting at my insurance company to be paid.  And I know what the hold up is, the short story is they are idiots and there is no need to go into a longer explanation because you wouldn’t believe it other than the fact that they’re an insurance company so you WOULD believe it, so even if my part is just 10%, which you know will be MORE than that … well … let’s just say that me and the hospital are going to have to come to some sort of an understanding.  Plus my hip surgery is next month, so you know there will be co-pays with that … BUT, I’m going to stick by the same guns I always stuck by (and now I’m going to cry), God has ALWAYS made sure that WE had a way through, one way or another.  And even though I still don’t know WHY he took my Mary from me, I know that He only wants what’s best for me.  Like any Father would for His child.  Just like I KNOW He is not going to have a way forward for me now. 

So, much better times and spirits today, so why don’t we celebrate with some laughter and bring a little of that joy and splendor into other people’s lives?  And thanks, Marsha.

I’ve convinced the youngster at work the very same thing.

Let me tell you something…

People think that cloning is easy, but bringing back that furry, extinct elephant would be a mammoth project.

I ordered a hot fudge sundae one time at DQ and said I wanted extra hot fudge and the guy said it only came in one temperature.

I love when someone takes an every day product and does an outstandingly out-of-bounds review!  If you think this one was good, stay tuned for a few more that are coming up!

Oh, and you can thank Dearest Stephanie for sending these in!

A Sunday School teacher asked the children, “Who was upset that the younger brother had returned?” 

One of the children answered, “The fattened calf.”

When you and your bros all still have their work clothes on and stop at the bar on the way home from work.

If alcohol can cause damage to short term memory…

imagine the damage alcohol can do.

Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash or scream every time we run off the road.  It makes me nervous.

Not that I had any doubt in MY mind…

…but the poster does make it easier to point out to other people.

And the girls still dressed in their work clothes at the bar…

And the ambulance only took 15 minutes to arrive.

I’m not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you. 

I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and I feel fine…

I’m not saying I don’t like you…

…I’m saying I would unplug your life support to make a pot of coffee

I came from a generation where “Keep Talking” meant you better shut up!

Yup, I know we just did one, but it was a different list.

What did E.T.’s mother say to him when he got home?

“Where on Earth have you been?!”

This one is from Jonathon and it’s called Understanding Father…

A young co-ed in her sophomore year of college was sitting in the library, recapping her sex life to her friends over text.

She wrote out a long text explaining her escapades–how she met this guy and went over to his place at 3 am, how they hooked up, etc. And then pressed send – only to look down and realize she had sent it to her mom instead of her friend, Monica (Mom and Monica are dangerously close together in her phone book, apparently).

She immediately sent her mother a text, telling her not to read it, but it was too late. She already had. She obviously went straight to her dad to tell him what I was up to at college and how horrified she was.

His answer: ‘She’s just young!’

Always!

And that my dear friends brings us to the close of another issue.  Too soon done.  Much love and happiness to you all until we meet again.

Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Dragon Laffs #2019

So, I feel 1,000% better, thank you berry much!  And thank you to all of you who wrote to send good wishes and prayers and all that stuff.  Very deeply appreciate each and every one of them and you. 

It is now Tuesday and Izzy and I have been running around for the last two days like Chickens with our heads cut off (which is really a horrible analogy?…simile? … I don’t know which it is, but it sucks.  But, one of the things we got to do was to go to this flea market in between appointments yesterday and I got the coolest thing!  It’s a Dragon head incense burner!  Here, look:  

Okay, so it’s not the greatest picture I’ve ever taken, and that is smoke coming out of his nostrils, but it’s much better in person. 

Anyway, let’s get started on the laughter and we can talk about the other stuff later.

Once you hit 50, you gotta sit on the edge of the bed and warm up, like an old Buick, before you get up.

I saw a microbiologist today.

He was much bigger than I expected.

I’m actually pretty attractive…

…if you don’t look at me.

Even moms are making cakes that look like me!

I’m pretty sure you have to be “of a certain age” to get that one, too.

We all have that one friend that has no idea how to whisper

I have SO MANY of those.  And a daughter dragon!

How incredibly horrible as a society do we have to be to require this sign on the side of a pizza box?

I know, right!

Friggin’ Awesome!!!!

And tattoos of me!!!

A 72 hour hold in a psych unit is beginning to intrigue me as a potential vacation opportunity.

My darling Mary, I’ll always remember our special night…

I haven’t sold a single copy of my autobiography.

That’s the story of my life.

Okay, I’ve cleared my cache of cookies. 

But I don’t see how eating 300 Oreos is going to make my computer work better.

This next one was obviously written by a woman…

They say that every piece of chocolate you eat shortens your life by two minutes.  I did the math.  Seems I died in 1543.

I don’t think there will be any men who will argue with me on this, and I think there will be several women who will.

I think you have to be of a certain age to get this one, too.

Nobody likes to be around the “One-Up” friend.  Your day was hard, their day was harder.  You got a good job, their job is better.  You got 5 bands, they got 6.  You went to Tennessee, the went to Elevennessee. 

Checked my friend into a Rehab Center for his addiction to placebos. 

Well, he thinks it’s a Rehab Center.

Love and happiness and bedtime.

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #2018

So, I owe you an explanation as to why there was no Dragon Laffs on Saturday.  It started with Thursday afternoon/evening and me spending five hours in the Emergency Room of the local hospital.  Not my usual hospital, which is about 30 minutes away, which is the one I trust, but the local one, the one I don’t trust, the one I said I wouldn’t send my worst enemy to. 

Why? You might ask? 

And ask you well might.

Because I had fairly well convinced myself that I was having a heart attack. 

But, Impish, I thought you said you had the heart of a 19-year-old. 

Well, as it turns out … I do.  Let me ‘splain. 

I have been feeling light-headed, dizzy, groggy and just plain out of it for the past couple of days.  On Thursday it was bad enough that I went home early.  Slight chest pain and nausea with some difficulty breathing.  I got home and laid down and just thought I ought to take my blood pressure.  So I broke out Mary’s old blood pressure machine and it registered me as 79/35. 

I fucking freaked. 

Mini panic attack, right then and there. 

Heart palpitations the whole nine yards.  Grabbed Izzy Dragon, locked up the dogs, we’re going to the hospital, right now! 

I drove, Izzy doesn’t drive.  Panting the whole way.  Now, I’m convinced that I have pain in my chest, it’s hard to breathe, light-headedness is worse.  Really working myself into this. 

Got to the ER in about 10 minutes.  Went to that one because it’s so close, figured any ER should be able to handle a heart attack, right?  They got me in the back right away, hooked me up to the EKG, took a test, took my blood pressure … “Mr. Dragon … um … your EKG is picture perfect and … um … your blood pressure is 120/69, also perfect.  Sir, you have the heart of …”

“A nineteen year-old.”

“Well, I was going to say a twenty-one year-old, but we can go with nineteen if you like.”

So, long story, not as long as the five hours I spent there.  They drew blood and ran some heart enzyme tests, took a chest x-ray, did some other labs, and here’s what they came up with: 

#1 The antidepressants STRONGLY overreacted with some of the other meds I’ve been taking and they kicked my ass.

#2  It’s possible my blood pressure medication that I’ve been on for years and years is now a bit too strong for me now that I’ve lost 100 pounds and it drove my blood pressure down.  Need to reevaluate with my primary doctor. 

#3  I have arthritis.  I have pain throughout my body.  When I thought I was having heart problems, I focused on the pain that is always in my chest and it became more than it is. 

#4  The difficulty breathing was panic.  I was having a panic attack, which has never happened to me before, but I have also never had this kind of grief and depression before, either. 

So, the final outcome is that I am off those antidepressants and should be relatively back to normal by the time you are reading this.  I am a fucked up mess over all.  And I spent Thursday night and all day Friday recovering, so no DL on Saturday.  I did find a Grief Group to attend starting in the second week of May and today, being Saturday, I actually got up and mowed the lawn, which was beginning to look like a jungle, so…well on the way to recovery.  Still a tiny bit light headed, so no chainsaws or backhoes in my future, otherwise I think I’m doing okay.

One other thing before we get started on the laughter today.  I do want you guys to send your prayers up for my brother the Owl.  He’s back in the hospital after having his second kidney surgery.  Seems he’s got some post surgery infection going on and it could be serious.  He’s not doing well and needs all the prayers and well wishes that he can get.  Thanks.  You guys are the best! 

NOW…

7-Year-Old:  Dad! Dad! 

Me:  What? 

7YO:  What if Bigfoot is just a Wookiee who got lost? 

Me:  [Leans in close] Tell me more…

My friend told me she wouldn’t eat beef tongue cause it came out of a cow’s mouth. 

So I gave her an egg.

Just overheard my 54 year old dad tell my 58 year old aunt, “Don’t tell mom.” 

So, apparently that’s a lifelong thing.

Baby Impish Dragon.

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. 

The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?” 

The rabbit replies, “I dunno.  I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”

So, even ex-girlfriends and Ex-wives get their pictures in DL every now and again…

I wish these people who claim I’m “disconnected from reality” would just get off my spaceship.

You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid, who acts just like you.

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

You know you’re getting old when “Friends with Benefits” means having someone who can drive at night.

I do all my own stunts … but never intentionally.

Damn, I feel old, too Stephanie!

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. 

I now have Heinzsight.

May your day be filled with peace and love and happiness.

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments