Good Morning Campers,
I have no idea who the winner is … yet … since I’m starting this issue on Monday, but you’re reading this on Thursday so by the time you’re reading this, you will know and of course by the time I publish this issue, I too, will know. But, for right now, it’s all up in the air. I can say that I think I know who it will be, but with the trickery and the fickleness of the American public … who knows what the final outcome will be. But, I can say with a certainty, that if Biden wins, I am very frightened for what this country will face in the future.
But, for now, let’s get some laughter in, while we all wait for the results on what could possibly be the most important election in modern history.
I see people my age out there climbing mountains and zip lining and here I am feeling good about myself because I got my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.
Today marks 5 years we’ve been in 2020.
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
“Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Son No. 1 ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn’t have time to get you a gift.”
“Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thing is we’re all together today.”
Son No. 2 arrived. “You and Mom look great. Dad, I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn’t have time to shop for you.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father “We’re glad you were able to come.”
Just then the daughter arrived “Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn’t have time to get you anything.”
After they had finished dessert, the father said, “There’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.”
The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re bastards?”
“Yep,” said the father, “Cheap ones, too.
How about a bit of history …
The RMS Queen Elizabeth pulling into New York with service men returning home after the end of World War 2, 1945.
That’s a lot of GIs
Life is like a helicopter. I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.
It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.
I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session but here we are …
I think this was Mrs. Dragon and I on like our second anniversary. We went on a quest weekend together.
So, if a cow doesn’t produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?
I’m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I’ll let you know.
A Dragon Fantasy
My Ex: I still love you.
Me: I don’t blame you.
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after their kids.
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.
Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall, it took me a moment to realize they meant “autumn”, not the collapse of civilization.
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Fact: Snow in October happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely. You know who you are. Stop it.
Well, here it is Wednesday evening and we still don’t know who won the election, although it’s looking pretty bad for the good guys.
Keep your fingers crossed guys while I finish up today’s issue.
Yes … yes, they are.
Yes we are!
I want a simple life. I want to get up late, drink tea, and read old books. I also want a spaceship and a pet dragon.
Well, you know that’s a fantasy … you’ll never get a dragon as a friggin’ pet!
My energy level is equal to that of a sloth on Xanax.
I can NOT preach this next one loud enough!!!
And I will be the one to train and certify you in the wear, use, and inspection of MOPP gear…although this is an older version…but the sentiment still stands.
And then you have the opposite situation …
You find it offensive.
I find it funny.
That’s why I’m happier than you are.
“How much of an allowance did you get as a teenager per week?”
Me: I was allowed to live there.
Why do “balls” equate to toughness and “pussy” equates to weakness when even the slightest flick to the nuts sends a guy to his knees and vaginas push out an entire human being?
I like the type of people whose sense of humor may be described as “inappropriate with a chance of ruining family dinner.”
Hating your Country is like hating your parents and still living in their home. Move out and be happy somewhere else.
Me at 18: As long as I get home at 4 am, I can get up for work at 6.
Me now: How dare you even suggest we start a movie at 8 pm.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
These get scarier and scarier every year. They are finally out again.
You all know about the Darwin Awards – It’s an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year’s winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees are:
9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6’2″
tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman’s wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl’s uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12″ long and 3″
in diameter. The tube’s other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals.
After the ambulance arrived and removed the man – who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital – the police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.
5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver’s attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring (pocket animal), which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi’s life, the woman lost her own.
4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. “The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground” Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was “Major trauma”.
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were laying a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend – no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate – was hospitalised.
2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.
After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ‘bright’
by his peers.
The latest nominee for this year’s Darwin Award goes to….
1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own “balls” in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez’s scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez’s scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro-shop, and was using to balance himself.
Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
Thanks to Stephanie for sending these to me.
Well, with just a few more states left to go, it looks like it’s going to be a Biden victory. Which means that Kamala Harris will be the President within the year … that’s my prediction, anyway.
What a sorry state of affairs our country will be in then. Mr. Trump can still pull it out, but it’s a long shot. My hopes and prayers go out to him, but, it doesn’t look good.
Good night my friends and may God have mercy on our country.