Dragon Laffs #1597

Bad Week

Good Morning Campers,

While you’re reading this, I’m busy throwing darts for charity.  I told you about the Linda Foote Tournament on Wednesday and the fact that we’re playing for Cancer…Hopefully, I’ll do well enough to win some money.  I’ll probably just donate it right back to the charity, but we’ll see.

Anyway, why don’t we get some laughter in?

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Yup, us too.  And looking at the meat on that sandwich it’s actually bologna that’s been fried or it’s slightly undercooked Taylor’s Pork Roll, but either way, it is definitely a blast from my past.

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That goes double for infants!  To say that you FORGOT the baby was in the back seat…how in the hell do you forget that you have a baby?  I’ve forgotten a lot of things in my life, but never one of my kids.

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– Halloween  is over!
– Thanksgiving is over!
– Christmas is over!
– New Year is over!
– Valentines Day is over!

Now, I just want summer.

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You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe next to you, and a lion chasing you.  What do you do?

Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

Penis Canoe

Penis

Perception

Perfect Ass

Perfect date

Perfect Kodak

Perfect Teeth

Perfection

Performance

Persistence

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Just like a woman…

A woman goes with her husband to the doctor for his exam.  After the exam, the doctor pulls the wife aside and says, “Your husband is suffering from severe long-term stress, and he is a good candidate for a heart attack or stroke.  If you don’t do the following three things, he will surely die.”

“First, every morning fix him a healthy breakfast.  Second, when he gets home, make him a warm, nutritious dinner and don’t burden him with household chores.  Third, have sex with him several times a week.”

On the way home, the husband asks the wife, “I saw the doctor talking to you and he looked serious.  What did he say?”

The wife replies, “He says you’re going to die.”

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When I text I use the word duck a lot.

Mainly because autocorrect is a ditch.

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Ain’t that the truth…ain’t that the truth.

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Once a girl takes off her bra don’t ask her to do shit.  She’s clocked off from life.

I’m a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

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My wife just stopped and said, “You weren’t even listening were you?”

I thought… “that’s a pretty weird way to start a conversation?”

Pearls Before Swine is another one of my favorite cartoons.  And in case you can’t figure it out, the dude with the backwards baseball hat and the scraggly beard is the cartoonist Stephan Pastis.

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Pearls Before Swine - pb150426comb_ts.tif

Pearls Before Swine - pb150517comb_ts.tif

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Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco, and drinking beer when suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife – she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over; women like that are hard to find.”

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And that my friends is going to do it for today.  May you have a wonderful weekend, until we meet again.

Cheers! ~ Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1596–Just Another Wacky Wednesday

Just the Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Day 205 of my captivity…not sure if that’s accurate or not, but it sure does feel that way.  I have a day off coming up this weekend, I think, and I plan on sleeping most of the day.

Oh wait…

I can’t…

We are holding our annual Linda Foote Tournament for our dart league.  Linda Foote was the woman who first founded our league some 30 odd years ago and she died of cancer, and every year after that we’ve held this tournament to raise money for cancer.  Last year we had our best year ever and raised over one thousand dollars.  We hope to do a lot better this year.

So, I guess I’ll be sleeping on Sunday.

I hope.

So, let’s get to laughing, shall we?

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I didn’t know this.  Didn’t realize this.  And it makes a lot of sense.

IS THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE SO IMPORTANT

In their infinite wisdom, the founders of our country created a structure called the “Electoral College” as a control system and to ensure the individual states were fairly represented. Otherwise one or two densely populated areas would speak for the whole of the nation. It was not created as a device to favor Democrats, Republicans, Whigs, Tories or any other political affiliation. It was created as a system of “checks and balances” to guard against any small vocal area, with a specific agenda, speaking for the whole of the nation.

The following list of statistics should put an end to the argument as to why the Electoral College makes sense.

There are 3,141 counties in the United States.

Trump won 3,084 of them.
Clinton won 57.

There are 62 counties in New York State.

Trump won 46 of them.
Clinton won 16.

Clinton won the popular vote by approx. 1.5 million votes.

In the 5 counties that encompass NYC (Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Richmond & Queens) Clinton received well over 2 million more votes than Trump.

In other words, these Five (5) counties alone, more than accounted for Clinton winning the popular vote for the entire country !

These 5 counties comprise 319 square miles.
The United States is comprised of 3,797,000 square miles.

When you have a country that encompasses almost 4 million square miles of territory, it would be ludicrous to even suggest that the vote of those who inhabit a mere 319 square miles should dictate the outcome of a national election.

Large, densely populated cities (NYC, Chicago, LA, etc.) do not and should not speak for the rest of our country…and somehow the geniuses who founded our country understood this and created a system to avoid that circumstance.

And now you understand the supreme importance of the Electoral College.

Do share this…  It needs to be understood.

Calvin and Hobbs.  One of my favorite cartoons of all times…mostly because I raised Calvin myself.  Now, his name wasn’t Calvin, it was the Whelpling, but it was EXACTLY the same thing.

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Wooden-Groan

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.

They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her, “Weren’t you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

The nun replied, “Nah, don’t you know old habits are hard to break?!

Told ya!

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It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man’s penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person’s skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women: will be finished reading this by now.
Men: are still busy checking their thumbs.

I’m sorry, what was that last part?

patriotism3

Pavement

Payback

Paycheck

pb-romance

Peace

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Peeping Toms 2

Peeping Toms

“You have reached the ‘Men’s Help Line.’ My name is Don. How can I help you?”

“Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So, I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the entire bracket?”

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And that, dear friends, is that.  Until Saturday.

Cheers!  Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1595

Bad Week

Good Morning Campers,

I’m on day 12 or 13 of my captivity.  Something like that.  I don’t know.  I need to laugh.  Really bad, I need to laugh, so I’m jumping ahead and getting too it.

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You can trust a dragon to answer your requests.

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Can you blame them?  Do you read the news?

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I love these statue pictures.  If I knew where there were cool statues around here, I’d do the same thing.

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How about some Motivational Posters?

parking2

Partnership

Party Time

Party Trick

Passive Aggressive

Patience

Patience2

patience3

Patient Bear

Patriotism

Patriotism2

And speaking of Patriotism, I fully believe and support this next one, also.

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And on a completely different note, I fully agree with this next one, too.

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So, I’m sure I’m feeling better.  There were some really funny ones in there.  Let’s go for a few more and then I’ll call it a night.

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Okay, so damnnnnnnn.  I saw a beer before I even read the words.  I must have a REAL problem.

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I work with people every day who this applies to.

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And that’s it for today folks.  I hope you had as many laughs as I did.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1594

Wednesday

Good Morning Campers!

By the time you read this, I’ll have worked for 9 days in a row without a day off and still have another 9 days to go before my next day off. 

It’s a good thing I like my job.

But it does make it hard to give you guys a good issue.

So, I’m going to do the best I can.  So, let’s get to it.  And let’s laugh!

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I have to admit, I was looking for the punch line before I got to the end of the joke and this one surprised me.

There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could.

So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time.

Eventually, the local church decided to do a big restoration project.

Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job.

And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.

Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder.

The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.

Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, “Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?”

And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, “Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!”

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I don’t like to think before I speak…I like to be just as surprised as everyone else about what I say.

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NOT ALL THIEVES ARE  STUPID!

1. LONG  – TERM PARKING
Some  people left their car in the long-term parking at San Jose while away, and  someone broke into the car. Using the information on the car’s  registration in the glove compartment, they drove the car to the  people’s home in Pebble Beach and robbed it.  So I guess if we are going to leave the car in long-term parking, we  should NOT leave the registration/insurance cards in it, nor your remote  garage door opener. This gives us something to think about with all our  new electronic technology.
2. GPS:
Someone had their car broken into  while they were at a football game. Their car was parked on the  green which was adjacent to the football  stadium and specially allotted to football fans. Things stolen from the  car included a garage door remote control, some money and a GPS which had  been prominently mounted on the dashboard. When the victims got  home, they found that their house had been ransacked and just  about everything worth anything had been  stolen. The thieves had used the GPS to guide them to the house.  They then used the garage remote control  to open the garage door and gain entry to the house. The thieves  knew the owners were at the football  game, they knew what time the game was scheduled to finish and so  they
knew how much time they had to clean  out the house. It would appear that they had brought a truck to  empty the house of its contents. Something  to consider if you have a GPS – don’t put your home address in it.  Put a nearby address (like a store or  gas station) so you can still find your way home if you need to, but no  one else would know where you live if  your GPS were stolen.
3. CELL  PHONES:
I  never thought of this! This lady has now changed her habit of how she  lists her names on her cell phone after her handbag was  stolen. Her handbag, which contained her cell phone, credit card, wallet,  etc., was stolen. Twenty minutes later when  she called her hubby, from a pay phone telling him what had happened,  hubby says, “I received your text asking about our Pin number and I’ve  replied a little while ago.” When they rushed down to the  bank, the bank staff told them all the money was already withdrawn. The  thief had actually used the stolen cell phone to text  “hubby” in the contact list and got hold of the pin number. Within 20  minutes he had withdrawn all the money from  their bank account.
Moral lesson:
a. Do not disclose the relationship  between you and the people in your contact list. Avoid using names  like Home, Honey, Hubby, Sweetheart, Dad,  Mom, etc..
b. And very importantly, when  sensitive info is being asked through texts, CONFIRM by calling  back.
c. Also, when you’re being texted by friends or family to meet  them somewhere, be sure to call back to confirm that the message came from them. If  you don’t reach them, be very careful about going places to meet  “family and friends” who text  you.
4. PURSE IN THE  GROCERY CART SCAM:
A lady went grocery-shopping at a  local mall and left her purse sitting in the children’s seat of the cart  while she reached something off a shelf/ Wait  till you read the WHOLE story! Her wallet was stolen, and she reported  it to the store personnel. After  returning home, she received a phone call from the Mall Security
to  say that they had her wallet and that although  there was no money in it, it did still hold her personal papers. She  immediately went to pick up her wallet, only to  be told by Mall Security that they had not called her. By the time she  returned home again, her house had been  broken into and burglarized. The thieves knew that by calling and saying  they were Mall Security, they could lure  her out of her house long enough for them to burglarize it.

motivational wooden sign

Owens

owned

Pageants

Panties2

Paradox

paradox

Paranoia

Paranoia2

Parenting

Parenting2

parking

Wife: “I have blisters on my hands from the broom.”
Husband: “Next time take the car, silly.”

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My final thought for today:  I’ve seen better days, but I’ve also seen worse.  I don’t have everything that I want, but I do have all I need.  I woke up with some aches and pains, but I woke up.  My life may not be perfect, but I am indeed blessed.

Cheers my friends.

Impish Dragon

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Dragon Laffs #1593

Header8

campers

Well, here’s an older header.  All the way back from 2011.  That’s 7 years ago.  Cool, huh?  Back near the beginning of when we first became a dot com.  A simpler time in some ways and in others a very tough time in my life.

Right after 911 I lost my job.  I was working as a restaurant manager, Izzy dragon was born on Sept 10th, yup, the day before and one month later I was downsized.  See, after 911, people stopped spending money because they were scared.  Restaurants rely on customers and if no one comes in, they have to cut costs.  So, the company I worked for went into every one of their restaurants and “downsized” the most expensive manager.  You know, the one that had been with them the longest, the most loyal.

But, even though I was unemployed, I think it was an easier time than it is now.  In the long run, the company did me a huge favor.  I got out of the rat race of the restaurant and eventually ended up with the job I have now, that I really like.  I just wish times were a little easier.

Anyway, whatta you say we get to some laughter?

lets laugh

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So, this one falls under the category of “Oldie, but Goodie”

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one.

“I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.

I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the Guy clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died.”

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst.

“I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way in time, but failed, and was hit and killed by the chest.”

The clerk couldn’t help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.

He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologises and says, “I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you.”

“I don’t know,” replies the man.

“Picture this, I’m buck naked hiding in this cedar chest ….”

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Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds when they already know you’re broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe, you believe them but, if they tell you there is wet paint, you have to touch it to check?

Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the first end you try?

How do those dead bugs get into enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

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An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make.

She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.

On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, “I can’t believe you missed that putt!” “That putt was no longer than my ‘willy’.”

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, “yes dear, but it was much harder!”

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dragon pics

2008 06 24 02

This one is really good for a cellphone background.

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It’s true.  I swear it’s true.  I have documented proof that it’s true.  Honestly.  You can trust me.

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A husband walks into Victoria’s Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price — the sheerer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ( she’s no dummy), ‘I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.’

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, ‘Good Grief! You’d think for $500, they’d at least iron it!’

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fantasy

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I went fishing this morning, but after a short while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in its mouth.  Frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in its mouth, I grabbed it right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.  So, I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.  Its eyes rolled back, and it went limp.

I released the sake into the lake without incident and carried on fishing, using the frog.

Not long after, I felt a nudge on my foot.  It was that damn snake…with two more frogs.

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I’m thinking I’d have to set up the video camera and then just wait and see what happens.

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motivate

Originality

our base

our freedom

Our Troops

Outsourcing

overconfidence

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Overkill

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And with that intriguing picture, we’re going to call it a day.  May you all have a wonderful week, until we meet again.

Cheers!

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