Dragon Laffs

Okay, so mostly funnies….I did manage to get some other stuff done earlier today, so what follows is from today while at work, waiting on an appointment to show up.

Good Morning Campers,

                Well, it’s been another one of those weeks for me.  This week, it was car trouble.

                Now, it’s not bad enough, that I’m pretty much working 7 days a week, but without the cooperation of the machinery that I depend on, it just makes it that much harder. 

                So, here’s what happened…

                On Sunday, I drove to work just fine.  Got to my office at about 0545 hrs.  At about 0715 hrs., I jumped in my car and drove across base to teach a CBRN Defense Survival Skills Class.  For those of you who don’t know, CBRN stands for Chemical, Biological, Radiological, Nuclear.  One of my (many) jobs is to teach the military members how to stay alive in really crappy environments.  Some of you older guys may remember it as gas mask training.  It’s a bit more complex and in-depth now then it was then, but you get the idea.

                Anyway, at about 1100 hrs. I get done with class and go out to my car and when it starts, it’s really rough and the check engine light comes on and starts blinking.  Well, the rule always was that if the light is blinking, you shouldn’t drive the car, but I feel like I recognize this from the three previous times it’s happened to me before.  It feels like the damn cam-shaft positioning sensor has gone bad…AGAIN!  Although before it wasn’t this rough at an idle and the light never flashed….just came on.

                So I finish out my day, drive the back roads to town and go to AutoZone to have them put it on their little machine to check the fault codes.  Cylinder #2 misfire and camshaft positioning sensor.  The guy there tells me that I need a new set of spark plugs because the misfiring #2 could cause the cam shaft sensor problem.  I have limited funds….REALLY limited funds….and need this to be fixed on the cheap. 

So, I buy a set of plugs, go home (about 2 miles from AutoZone), change out the plugs in my driveway, total money spent $13, total time, 30 minutes…or maybe about an hour counting the time spent with the diagnostic and getting home with the parts.  I feel really positive about this, since when I pulled the old plug out of the #2 cylinder it was really carboned up.  Jump in the car, start it up….

Same damn problem as before.  Runs a little better, probably because of the new plugs, but still bad.

Back to AutoZone I go.  Diagnostic check again.  #2 misfiring, cam sensor bad.  Damn, damn, diddly-damn!

Okay, wait a minute.  The last time I changed the cam sensor, it had a lifetime warrantee!  So, right there in the AutoZone parking lot, I pulled the old sensor off, took it inside, they gave me a brand new one, free of charge, put it back on the car.  Total money is still at $13, total time up to about 2 hours now.  Said a little prayer, started the car….

Same damn problem as before.

An indeterminate amount of time later there’s a tapping at my car window and when I look up, the AutoZone guy is there and says, “Are you okay?  Do you want me to call somebody?  Maybe an ambulance?”  I must’ve given him a quizzical look because he continued, “you know, for the …um…banging your head against the steering wheel for so long and all?”

I told him that nah, I was okay and that I’d be right in.

Okay, the two obvious things didn’t work…what’s next in line.  Plug wires.  Damn, how much where they going to cost me?  Call it $40 with tax…a little less actually.  Not quite tapped out, but getting close.  Call it $52 in.  AutoZone is closing (they close early on a Sunday) so I take my plug wires home to my driveway, swap them out, say a bigger prayer, jump in the car and …

Same damn problem as before. 

I am now dangerously close to having to take the car to a garage that I can’t afford and have no idea how I’m going to pay for.  I have just about exhausted my limited knowledge of vehicles and I need to do some thinking.  Let’s see.  The car is a 2006 which makes it 12 years old, so it’s no spring chicken, but!!!! It only has about 135,000 miles on it, it’s in pretty good shape, and most importantly, IT’S PAID FOR!!!  I should probably replace it, or even better, get a second vehicle, especially since Izzy Dragon is going to be driving soon (although she swears she’ll never get her license.  Long story, save for another time).  But right now, with my crappy credit, we’re talking going to a buy-here, pay-here and I’m pretty sure, what I could afford would just give me more headaches.  And that’s not going to get me through the next week and a half to next payday to get to work anyway. 

So, it’s not getting spark, or not getting proper spark to #2.  Plugs are good, wires are good, what’s behind the wires?  Distributor cap? (see how old I am?  And the cars I’m used to working on?)  Hell no!  Ignition coil pack.  I don’t know a damn thing about electronic ignition.  No points to set, no gap to fix.  (You younger guys probably don’t even know what that last bit means!) 

I go to work on Monday by catching a ride with a co-worker…the only guy who lives near me.  He can give me a lift Monday and Tuesday, but is out of town on Wednesday, through the end of the week.  Okay, I’ll take what I can get. 

I go on line and see that AutoZone is selling a coil pack for $70.  I really don’t have $70, but I could steal a little out of savings that is being held to later in the month when certain bills come due.  It doesn’t matter what I have where if I can’t get to work to earn money to pay the damn bills anyway.

On a whim, I check out Amazon.com and they have the exact same part for $20 and free, two-day shipping and they can have it in my hands on Wednesday.  Can I afford to wait till Wednesday?  Heck yeah!

I have a ride to work on Tuesday and decide to take Wednesday off rather than trying to wheedle a ride with someone.  Now, I don’t take time off for frivolous things because I have to take too much time off for medical things.  Between Mrs. Dragon’s chronic medical issues and the specialists we have to see for her, and my chronic medical issues that I ignore in favor of Mrs. Dragon’s issues, I have very little vacation/sick time saved up and I horde every minute I can because you never know when something will happen or I’ll have to have another hip or knee replacement.  Damn body is falling apart and I’ve got at LEAST as many years left as I’ve already spent.

Not to get off track here, but I’m planning on living forever.  And so far, my plan is working out just fine.

Anyway, Wednesday rolls around and I go out to the car early to take the old coil pack off.  According to YouTube it looks pretty easy, straight forward…pull the plug wires, pull the wire connector to the coil, 4 bolts, and it comes right out.

Yeah, right.

Pull the plug wires…yup, easily done.

Pull the wire connector…why won’t this damn thing come off!!!!!  Pull the little red locking thingy out of the side, and just pull!  Locked in there solid!  Okay, so maybe it will be easier once the bolts are loose and it’s off the car.

Pull the 4 bolts….half easy.  The front two bolts are dead easy.  Right in the front, easy to get to, socket wrench, bolts are a bit long, but no problem.  The back two bolts….completely hidden away.  Can’t quite see them, but I can reach them with my fingertips…well, I could reach them if I had the hands of a 7 year-old girl.  These big fat paws aren’t getting in there.  Let’s watch the video again….how the hell does that guy get his arm back there?  And he’s using this little bitty 10mm wrench and it shows him loosening the bolt 1/8 of one turn and then the video jumps ahead to him pulling the pack off the car, implying that it took a few minutes to get those bolts off of there instead of a week and a half at an eighth of a turn at a time.

Damn!

I won’t tell you about the contortions I had to perform while imbedding my hand and lower arm inside the engine, nor will I describe to you slipping with the wrench and lacerating my flexor carpi muscle (that’s the big muscle that goes down the top of your forearm.  Yeah, I had to look it up later when I called the emergency room about stitches. 

Emergency Room: Is it still bleeding?

Impish Dragon: Nope.  Used superglue.

Emergency Room: Red and puffy around the outside of the wound?

Impish Dragon: Hell yes!  I got friggin’ stabbed!

Emergency Room:  You need to come in for a tetanus shot.

Impish Dragon:  I had one a month ago.

Emergency Room: Really?  Why?

Impish Dragon: It was offered for free at an LEPC meeting by the county nurse.

Emergency Room: Yeah, okay, never mind.  You’re good. <click>)

Anyway, long story short…or not as long as it possibly could be…it took me almost 2 hours to get those last 2 bolts out.  And my poor arthritic body, bent into positions a contortionist would envy, but they were finally out.  The plug came right off after fighting with it for ten minutes of pushing, pulling and straining. I finally realizing I had to push down on a little tab and the damn thing slid right off.

Twenty minutes later the mail showed up with my package.  I opened the box, expecting with my luck to have the wrong part and looked inside.  Moved the bubble wrap out of the way and took out a plastic wrapped package.  Used a letter opener, a switch blade and finally a jack-hammer to get the vacuum sealed bag off, expecting with my luck to have the wrong part, and looked inside.  The I got the knife back out and opened up another box, and yet more bubble wrap and there it was….the exact RIGHT part!

Hot damn!  Things were looking up.

My analytical mind went to work as I was thinking about putting this thing back on so I tried something…I put the bolt in the back hole of the coil, the one that was the hardest of the two to work with.  I put the smallest 10mm socket on the bolt and held all of that together while I got the coil positioned and the bolt started into the helicoil (nut plate thingy on the engine) and reached across the top of the coil with my fingertips and got the bolt twisted about half way in by turning the socket with my fingers instead of the bolt with a wrench.  Then, in an amazing blaze of mechanical genius, I forced my smallest quarter-inch ratchet wrench on top of the socket (after getting the other three bolts started so I wouldn’t lose the alignment).  I ratcheted the bolt down to where the socket could no longer reach it while stretched across the top of the coil.  I’m a friggin’ genius!  Now all I have to do is a couple of turns with the open end wrench and it will be tightened all the way down.  Just got to pull this ratchet wrench and socket off and … just got to move this ratchet wrench and socket and … just got to…

Son-of-a-biscuit!!!!!!

The ratchet wrench and the socket were now locked in place over the coil and would not come out!

Oh my gawd, I’m such a friggin’ IDIOT!!!

I did eventually get them out and get all the bolts tightened, but not without another short call to the E.R.

Impish Dragon: I think 7 of my finger tips are broken.

Emergency Room Guy: Can you move your fingers?

Impish Dragon: yes, but…

Emergency Room Guy: You’re fine. <click!>

Coil installed, electrical plug installed on coil, plug wires installed on coil and on spark plugs, say a BIG Prayer.  (Begging, Pleading) jump in the car and start it and …

Same damn … no!  Wait!  It’s working!  It’s really working!

Wooooo! Hooooooo!

Run in the house to tell Mrs. Dragon what a mechanical and automotive god I am!  Run back out to the car because it’s slowly rolling down the driveway and out into traffic.  Park the car, run back in the house and Mrs. Dragon tells me, “Mister mechanical and automotive god?  Your masterpiece is rolling out into the street again.” Run back outside to see the car sitting precisely in the driveway where I last put it and I can hear Mrs. Dragon laughing hysterically from pulling my chain.

Okay, so maybe not a god, but at least mostly successful this time around.

I hope you enjoyed my recounting of my week and the trials and tribulations I have gone through.  I will tell you that it is mostly a factual account with perhaps a little embellishment to make it more enjoyable.

I’ve been reading a really good set of books lately and at the beginning of each chapter there is a quote.  I’ve copied some of the better ones and sprinkled them throughout today’s issue.

“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.  Very often, that person is crazy.” ~ Dave Barry

“Behind every great woman is a guy looking at her ass.” – Author Unknown

“According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is their lies.” – Anonymous

“Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions.” – Aldous Huxley

“Women are afraid of mice and of murder, and of very little in between.” – Mignon McLaughlin

“The supply of good women far exceeds that of the men who deserve them.” – Robert Graves

“Men enjoy being thought of a hunters, but are generally too lazy to hunt.  Women, on the other hand, love to hunt, but would rather nobody knew it.” – Mignon McLaughlin

“The people I’m furious with are the women’s liberationists.  They keep getting up on soapboxes and proclaiming women are brighter than men.  That’s true, but it should be kept quiet or it ruins the whole racket.” – Anita Loos

And that’s it my friends.  Until next week.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

Let’s Laugh!

I DO Drink Water…When it’s frozen and surrounded by liquor.

I’m going to stand outside, so if anyone asks… I’m OUTSTANDING.

I need a new friend.  The last one escaped.

CAUTION: When someone tells you to get a grip…apparently around their necks is not what they meant…who knew?

I don’t want to brag, but I have a really nice bum.

I found him under the bridge, I think his name is Ted.

Autocorrect has yet to figure out how often I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?”

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The second guy says, “One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress.”

The first guy says, “That could be a problem. I’ll go over.”

He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.

The second guy says, “What’s wrong?”

The first guy says, “Small world!

Hey now, that’s the same big name diet that I’m on….I think he may be on to something there.

The Man Code

1. If you’ve known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever! Unless you actually marry her.
2. When questioned by a friend’s girlfriend, you need not and should not provide any information as to his whereabouts. You are even permitted to deny his very existence.
3. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 24 hours.
4. A best man’s toast may not include any of the following phrases, “down in Tijuana”, “one time when we were all piss drunk”, or “and this girl had the biggest rack you ever saw”.
5. You may exaggerate any anecdote told to your friends by 50% without recrimination, beyond that anyone within earshot is allowed to yell out “bullshit!” (exception: when trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration is 400%)
6. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
7. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another man is 5 minutes. The maximum is 6 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
8. Bitching about the brand of free beverages in your buddy’s refrigerator is forbidden. But gripe at will if the temperature is not suitable.
9. A friend must be permitted to borrow anything you own — grill, car, firstborn child — within 12 hr notice. Women or anything considered “lucky” are not applicable in this case.
10. Falling on a grenade for a buddy (agreeing to distract the skanky friend of the hot babe he’s trying to score) is your legal duty. But should you get carried away with your good deed and end up getting on the beast, your pal is forbidden to ever speak of it.
11. Do not torpedo single friends.
12. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
13. Before dating a buddy’s ex you are required to ask his permission. If he grants it, he is however allowed to say, “man, your gonna love the way she licks your balls”
14. Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a Buffalo wing clean.
15. If a mans zipper is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything!
16. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (in fact, even remembering your best friends birthday is optional)
17. You must offer heartfelt condolences over the death of a girlfriends cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies girlfriends with in 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal pal’s boyfriends- low level sports bonding is all the law requires.
19. Unless you have a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear in public wearing more than one Nike swoosh.
20. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.
21. If your girlfriend asks to set your friend up with her ugly, whiny, loser friend of hers, you must grant permission, but only if you have ample time to warn your friend to prepare his excuse about joining the priesthood.
22. Only in a situation of mortal danger or ass peril are you permitted to kick another member of the male species in the testicles.
23. Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked. This includes men who aren’t wearing shirts. If your buddy is outnumbered outmanned, or too drunk to defend himself, you must jump into the fight. Exception: if during the past 24 hours your friends actions have caused you to think “what this guy needs is a good ass wuppin”, in which case you may refrain from getting involved and stand back and enjoy.
24. Friends don’t let friends wear speedos. Ever. Case closed.
25. Fives must be called at all times when getting out of your seat. If not, your seat is up for grabs. However, “house rules” may come into effect, in which case it is left up to the owner of the seat.
26. Shotgun can be called on anything where a shotgun applies., as long as you are in eyesight of the object, or it is at a reasonable time.
27. When picking players for sports teams it is permissible to skip over your buddy in favor of better athletes- as long as you don’t let him be the last sorry son of a bitch standing on the sideline.
28. If you ever compliment a guy’s six pack, you better be talking about his choice of beverage.
29. Never join your girlfriend in ragging on a buddy of yours, unless she is withholding sex, pending your response.
30. Phrases that may never be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
“Yeah, baby, push it!”
“Come on, give me one more, harder!”
“Another set and we can hit the showers”
“Nice ass! Are you a Sagittarius?”
31. Never hesitate to reach for the last beverage or pizza, but not both. That’s just mean.

I have CDO.
It’s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order as they damn well should be!

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I’d like to donate.

Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash?  That’s much easier.

Wife: But there are poor, starving people who can really use all those clothes.

Husband: Honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

The husband is recovery in hospital from a head injury now.

How many of us have looked around our family reunion and thought … “Well, aren’t we just two clowns short of a circus?”

Sure, it’s okay to talk to yourself.
It’s even okay to answer yourself, back.
But, when you start asking yourself to repeat what you just said, you might have a problem.

I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.

Man!  I love this place!

Start using your head…that’s the lump that’s about three feet above your ass.

Even the thought of us has that sort of an effect on some people.

I wonder if the clothes in China say, “Made Around The Corner” or some shit…

I was so drunk last night, the police pulled somebody over on TV and I put my beer under the sofa.

“Dad, why is my sister’s name Rose?”
”Because your mother loves roses.”
”Thanks, Dad.”
”No problem, B.J.”

You don’t get a body like mine overnight.
It takes years of moderate alcoholism, neglect, and numerous damaging behaviors.

Oxymorons
Great Depression
Free Trade
Peacekeeper Missile
Sweet Tart
Crash Landing
Now Then
Butt Head
Sweet Sorrow
Student Teacher
Silent Scream
Taped Live
Alone Together
Good Grief
Tight Slacks
Living Dead
Near Miss
Light Tanks
Old News
Hot Chilli
Criminal Justice
Peace Force
Open Secret
Larger Half
Clearly Confused
Act Naturally
Alone Together
Hell’s Angels
Found Missing
Liquid Gas
Civil Engineer
Deafening Silence
Seriously Funny
Living Dead
Microsoft Works
Military Intelligence
Jumbo Shrimp
Advanced BASIC
Tragic Comedy
Unbiased Opinion
Virtual Reality
Definite Maybe
Original Copies
Pretty Ugly
Same Difference
Plastic Glasses
Almost Exactly
Constant Variable
Even Odds
Minor Crisis
Extinct Life
Genuine Imitation
Exact Estimate
Only Choice
Freezer Burn
Free Love
Working Holiday
Rolling Stop

And that’s it for today friends.  See you next week.

Good Morning Campers,

As promised, here is the final list of the wonderful donators to our ezine.  Thank you so very, very much for everyone’s generosity.  You are all wonderful friends and family.

Danny M.          K2          Ginny          Philip S.          Kristine M.       Donald M.         William E.          Margaret C.          Steven H.          Jonathon J.          Chris S.              Leah H.          Chuck G.          Lona T.          Tina C.          Garth B.          Gail B.          Scott H.

You all have my deepest appreciation.

Thank you.

Now…..

Let’s start out with a really bad groaner. 

Two bees ran into each other.

The first bee asked the other how things were going.

“Really bad,” said the second bee. “The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren’t any flowers or pollen, so I can’t make any honey.”

“No problem,” said the first bee. “Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There’s a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit.”

“Thanks for the tip,” said the second bee, and he flew away.

A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again.

The first bee asked, “How’d it go?”

“Great!” said the second bee.  “It was everything you said it would be.”

“Uh, what’s that thing on your head?” asked the first bee.

“That’s my yarmulke,” said the second bee. “I didn’t want them to think I was a wasp.”

If you want to blame someone for the headache you have from rolling your eyes, you can blame Ginny! 

Dating Dictionary
ATTRACTION – the act of associating horniness with a particular person.
LOVE AT 1st SIGHT – what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.
DATING – the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.
BIRTH CONTROL – avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, dating repulsive men or spending time around children.
EASY – a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.
PRIG – a term used to describe a woman who wants to stay virgin until married.
EYE CONTACT – a method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many woman have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest.
FRIEND – a member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.
INDIFFERENCE – a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as “playing hard to get.”
INTERESTING – a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.
IRRITATING HABIT – what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.
LAW OF RELATIVITY – how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.
NYMPHOMANIAC – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.
FRIGID – a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.
SOBER – condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.
NAG – a man’s term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just intercourse

Dear Diary

Day 1.
Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary….. not much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.

Day 2.
Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He’s impotent, he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn’t he tell me something I don’t know! I mean, he actually thinks I haven’t noticed.

Day 3.
This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs. Yesterday, I saw a picture of Nelson’s Column and burst into tears.

Day 4.
A miracle has happened! There’s a new drug on the market that will fix his ‘problem.’ It’s called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. I think this will work. I replaced his Prozac with the Viagra, hoping
to lift something other than his mood.

Day 5.
What absolute bliss!!.

Day 6.
Isn’t life wonderful but it’s difficult to write while he’s doing that.

Day 7.
This Viagra thing has gone to his head. No pun intended! Yesterday, at Burger King, the manager asked me if I’d like a Whopper. Hubby thought they were talking about him. But, have to admit it’s very nice — I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy.

Day 8.
I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new friend as a weed whacker. I’m also getting a bit sore down there.

Day 9.
No time to write. He might catch me.

Day 10.
Okay, I admit it. I’m hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he’s washing the Viagra down with neat whisky! What am I going to do? I feel tacky all over….

Day 11.
I’m basically being screwed to death. It’s like living with a Black and Decker drill. I woke up this morning hot-glued to the bed. Even my armpits hurt. He’s a complete pig.

Day 12.
I wish he was gay. I’ve stopped wearing make-up, cleaning my teeth or even washing but he still keeps coming after me! Even yawning has become dangerous ….

Day 13.
Every time I shut my eyes, there’s a sneak attack! It’s like going to bed with a scud missile. I can hardly walk and if he tries that “Oops, sorry” thing again, I’ll kill the bastard.

Day 14.
I’ve done everything to turn him off. Nothing is working. I even started dressing like a nun but this just seems to make him more horny. Help me.

Day 15.
I think I’ll have to kill him. I’m starting to stick to everything I sit on. The cat and dog won’t go near him and our friends don’t come over any more. Last night I told him to go and fuck himself…and he did.

Day 16.
The bastard has started to complain about headaches. I hope the bloody thing explodes. I did suggest he might try stopping the Viagra and going back on Prozac.

Day 17.
Switched the pills but it doesn’t seem to have made any difference…….Oh NO !!! here he comes again.

Day 18.
He’s back on Prozac. The lazy sod just sits there in front of the TV all day with that remote control in his hand and expects me to do everything for him. What absolute bliss!!.

A little girl and her mother were out and about.

The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, “Mommy, How old are you?”

The mother responded, “Honey, women don’t talk about their age. You’ll learn this as you get older.”

The girl then asked, “Mommy, how much do you weigh?”

Her mother responded again, “That’s another thing women don’t talk about. You’ll learn this, too, as you grow up.”

The girl still wanting to know about her mother, then fires off another question, “Mommy, Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?”

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, “Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don’t want to talk about it now.”

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend’s house to play.  She consults with her girlfriend about her and her mother’s conversation.

The girlfriend says, “All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother’s driver’s license. It’s just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.”

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again.

The little girl starts off with, “Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You’re 35 years old.”

The mother is very shocked. She asks, “Sweetheart, how do you know that?”

The little girl shrugs and says, “I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 135 pounds.”

“Where did you learn that?”

The little girl says, “I just know.”

[pregnant pause….]

“And I know why you and daddy got a divorce.. You got an ‘F’ in sex.”

The wife appeared before the judge and said, “I want a divorce from that jerk over there.”
The judge said, “Why do you want the divorce?”
“Because he’s a terrible lover.”
The judge asked, “How long have you been married?”
“Fourteen years,” she replied.
“I don’t understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?”
She said, “Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn’t know how bad he was.”

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a top professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A rather attractive lady driving by in a shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked,  “Excuse me, do you speak English?”

Lee responded, “Yes Ma’am, I do.”

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?”

Lee said, “Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her.”

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off …

Got a couple of really good comments to last week’s issue…

To last week’s bit about me knowing a guy who lived in a haunted house, Leah D writes:

Great issue!
I lived in a haunted house for about two years.
The scary stuff was unnerving, but what really griped me, was my electric bill.
I had three experts come to my house and check appliances, and wiring, even out to the line coming in. No one could find a reason why my power bill was higher than my neighbor’s, who heated with electricity.
Then I read in a book, that it has been observed, spirits seem to drain electricity.
I gave up.

I had never heard that about ghosts draining electricity.  I know teenagers can do it faster than anything, so I can’t imagine that spirits could be much worse.

Kris writes and says:

Good luck with the job, I hope it comes through soon. Here’s another example of government efficiency at it’s best: I work for the NYS court system. Our “e-file” system used to have the word “processed” in green and “pending” in red, which made it easier on us to see what needed to be done – when you’re looking at 100’s of filings a day, everything starts to blur after a bit, so the red/green helped. One day, we logged in and the red “pending” was replaced by black print that was italicized. After a week, we contacted the powers-that-be, to find out that the red was removed in order to make the site ADA compliant. Apparently, many people have red/green color blindness. That’s all well & good but, why is the green still there? Yeah, they couldn’t supply an answer either.

So, as usual, a minority member of society has a problem and we fix everything just for them?  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we shouldn’t help people with red/green color blindness, but we shouldn’t hurt the people who aren’t in the process.  Like the atheists screaming about God in schools (a definite vocal minority) so no one says the Pledge of Allegiance any more.  Pure bullshit.

This next one is directly from brother Lethal!

The Night of the King’s Castration

Here’s a little story in blank verse, which has been passed by word of mouth among drinking and singing groups since at least the 1950’s, the origins are possibly older. References can be found to it to it on the website for a retired RCAF squadron.

‘Twas the Night of the King’s Castration, and the Queen was having a Ball.
All the counts, viscounts and no-accounts were there.
Even the poor buggers who couldn’t count were in the back row.
“Balls!” cried the Queen. “If I had to, I could be King.”
“Balls!” said the Prince. “I have two but I’m still not King!”
“Balls!” said the Knave. “If I had five, I’d be a pinball machine.”
And the King laughed. Not because he wanted to, but because he had two.
“What Ho?” asked the King.
“Ass ho’!” cried the Knave, and was thrown to the lions.
A lion took a bite of him, and the Knave said, “That tickles”.
“What tickles?” asked the King.
“Testicles!” he replied, and died laughing.
The King returned to the Ball, and asked, “Where’s the Queen?”
“In bed with diphtheria.”
“Diptheria! That Greek bastard’s back again? Oh, shit!”, cried the king.
And twenty thousand loyal subjects stooped and strained,
for in those days, the King’s word was law, and he ruled with an iron hand.
“Where’s the Princess?” someone asked.
“Oh, fuck the Princess!” replied the King.
And fifty thousand loyal subjects were killed in the rush,
for in those days, the King’s word was law, he ruled with an iron hand,
and besides, the Princess was a comely wench.

Something we haven’t done in a while….

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi, Wanda!

2nd woman: Hi, Sylvia!  How’d you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn’t so bad.  After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died peaceful death.  What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack.  I suspected that may husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.  But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.  I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement and searched.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer – we’d both still be alive.

What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada…

Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding — with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.

Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer.”

But late last week ‘Big Jugs’ Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church   “. . . was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business — either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented:  “I don’t know how the hell I’m going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”

A newlywed couple gets a special present for their nuptials: a brand new sports car. As they leave the wedding reception, they are so excited they drive faster than they ever had before.

“I’ll make you a deal,” said the groom with a smile. “If I do 200mph, you take off your dress. Deal?” he asked.

“Yes!” said his adventurous wife.

As he approached 200mph, she begins to peel off her dress.

With him unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car soon skidded on some gravel and flipped over. The bride, now stark naked, was fine, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

“Go and get help!” he cried.

“But I can’t. I’m naked and my clothes are gone!”

“Take my shoe and cover yourself,” he said.

Holding the shoe over her private area, the bride ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor: “Please help me! My husband’s stuck!”

The proprietor looked at the shoe and said: “There’s nothing I can do… he’s in too far.”

Apparently putting Alka Seltzers in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m possessed by the devil is not funny.

Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.

All I’m saying is I’ve never seen my ex and Satan in the same room….

My mind is exceptionally quiet…I’m suspicious that I’m up to something I don’t want myself to know about.

The officer said, “You’re staggering.”

I said, “You’re quite handsome yourself.”

We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

And that’s it for today.  May you all have a wonderful week!  Until we meet again!

Good Morning Campers,

So, let’s start with news…there isn’t any.  I’m still waiting for my job to appear on usajobs.gov and when I ask our personnel people about it, all I get is a shrug of the shoulders because, in it’s infinite wisdom, the Air Force has taken all the abilities away from the bases and centralized them.

And it’s not just the personnel stuff.

We don’t even own our own servers anymore.  They are at another base.

It’s bloody stupid.  It’s another example of the government being penny wise and dollar foolish.

Anyway, let’s move on to other things.

Today is the last time you will have to listen to me ask for money…well…for this year.  It’s your last chance to help out for this year.  By the time Dragon Laffs #1620 comes out it will have been a month since I first asked for help to keep this ezine going and I’m not going to harp on it.

Thank you to all of you who helped out this year.  I’ll give the rest of you this last week and give you a final list of Impish Dragon’s Helpers next week.

So, for now, on with the laffs!

The Advantages of a Gun over a Wife

#10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 – You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you’re on the road.
#8 – If you admire a friend’s gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 – Your primary gun doesn’t mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 – Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 – A gun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
#4 – Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 – A gun doesn’t ask, “Do these new grips make me look fat?”
#2 – A gun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
LAST BUT NOT THE LEAST
#1 – You can buy a silencer for a gun.

A manager calls the IT department guy angry as hell and tells him that the projector shows only half the screen.  IT guy enters the meeting room FULL of managers and moved the water bottle in front of the projector 5 inches to the right.

Complete silence in the room.

I grew up with a guy who’s house was haunted…and that’s almost exactly what happened all the time.  We would be sitting in the living room that had hard wood floors and the door on one end of the room would open and close, you would hear foot steps on the wooden floor cross the room, the door on the other end of the room would open and close.

And this happened all the time!

Ate salad for dinner!!!!

Mostly croutons and tomatoes.

Really, just one big, round crouton with with tomato sauce and cheese.

Okay, fine!  It was pizza.  I ATE A PIZZA!

Her: “Undress me with your words!”

Him: “There’s a spider in your bra.”

If a tree falls on your ex in the woods, and no one hears it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.  Just in case.

I grew up living paycheck to paycheck, but through hard work and perseverance I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.

My God that’s so true it brought a tear to my eye.

I know there are people more attractive than me, but they’ll never beat my sparkling fucking personality.

The military recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They went through lots of retirement plans but nothing seemed to please everyone.

In the end, desperate, they promised any general who retired immediately his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general’s body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.

The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet.

He walked out with a check of $720,000.

The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

When the third general, a grizzled old Marine General, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”

The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine general insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.

The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop ’em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general’s penis and began to work back.

“My God man!” he said, “where are your testicles??”

“Vietnam,” smiled the general.

Okay, I have GOT to get me one of these shirts!  Even if I only wear it to darts on Tuesday nights!

I was at the bank last week when an old lady approached me and asked me to check her balance… So I pushed her over.

Some days you eat salads and go to the gym, some days you eat cupcakes and refuse to put on pants.

It’s called balance.

Man!  This would’ve been the perfect line for an ex-wife or girlfriend…

My heart has no room for you, but the trunk of my car definitely does.

I think my guardian angel drinks.

One time I got a sample from a tea store at the mall and as I walked away the guy said, “Tea you later.”

And his coworker smacked him.

I need to re-home a dog.  It’s a small terrier, and tends to bark a lot.

If you’re interested let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbors fence and get it for you.

I start the day with Captain Crunch and end the day with Captain Morgan because apparently ….

I want to be a pirate.

I’ve always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand him a briefcase and whisper, “you know what to do,” and walk away.

If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink….

You’re an amateur and we can’t be friends.

I have a very specific life plan that I try to follow every day.  And here it is…

BE THE REASON SOMEONE SMILES TODAY…

OR THE REASON THEY DRINK.

WHATEVER WORKS.

Really kind of touching, isn’t it?

I WORK SO I CAN AFFORD THE AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL REQUIRED TO CONTINUE GOING TO WORK.

MONDAY MORNING CHECKLIST:

Clothed? – Ah, sufficiently

Keys? – Yup, just found them!

Coffee cup? – Full

Sanity? … Sanity? – And we have a runner.

Funny how drinking 8 cups of water a day seems impossible … but 8 beers and 7 shots in two hours go down like a fat kid on a seesaw.

And with those final words of wisdom it’s time to call it a day!  May you have a wonderful week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Before we get to far into this introduction I MUST do a …

A very special thank you to all of our donators (so far, I hope) for this year.  As you know, it’s that time of the year to pay the damn bills again to keep this website and blog going.  Please consider going to the right side of this blog and clicking on the donate button and throwing us a couple of bucks.  And you can join these generous people:

Danny M.          K2                  Ginny               Philip S.               Kristine M.
Donald M.         William E      Margaret C       Steven H.            Jonathon J.
Chris S.              Leah H.         Chuck G.

Thank you ever so much for your generosity!

Now, let’s get to the laughs!

When I’m feeling down and someone tells me to “suck it up” I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and then say, “walk it off!”

Police Officer: Step out of the vehicle sir…

Me: It’s 94 degrees out there, you get in and tell me what the problem is in the AC…

I was drinking at a bar so I took a bus home.

That may not seem like a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.

NOTE TO SELF: It’s illegal to stab people for getting on your last nerve.

If it’s the thought that counts…

…then I should probably be in jail.

Sadly, I’ve reached an age where falling asleep on the couch has nothing to do with coming home drunk.

I can’t believe that I’m the only one that gives the middle finger to my phone when certain people text.

It truly amazes me the number of people out there who truly believe that the world is flat, the moon landing was a hoax, and that there are such things as chem-trails.

Do you ever feel like you’re on Season Five of your life, and the writers are just doing jacked-up outrageous shit to keep it interesting?

Yup, every single day.

Doing Crunches twice a day now…

Captain in the morning and Nestle at night.

If everyday is a gift then today was socks.

The first million people to send me $1 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire using Facebook.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.  Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain’t going to shift a beer belly.

Going into a teenager’s room is like taking a trip to IKEA…

You pop in just to look and end up leaving with 6 cups, 2 plates, 3 bowls, a tea towel, and some cutlery.

And with my teenager, that would just be the first trip.

He said there was no spark between us anymore.

So I tasered him!!!

(I’ll ask him again when he wakes up)

Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes, that would be boring.  Spend 30 seconds in my head, that’ll freak you the fuck out.

 

A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one..

With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, “I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I’ll grant you any wish.”
The player thought a bit and said, “Could you make me wiener a bit larger?”
Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin’ below his shorts. He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin’ along behind him. By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it.

He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.

After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.

Again, the leprechaun offered any wish.
The player asked, “Could ya make me legs a bit longer?”

“Doc,” said the young man lying down on the couch, “You’ve got to help me!  Every night I have the same horrible dream. I’m lying in bed when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes, wanting to have sex with me”
The psychiatrist nodded, “And what do you do?”
“I push them away.”
“I see.  What do you want me to do?”
The patient implored, “Break my arms.”

True story, when I was in high school one of the girls who hadn’t started driving yet asked one of the guys how they were able to take off from a traffic light with the tires squealing so fast and he replied, “when you pull up to the street light, push on the brake and shift the gear to R for Race and when the light turns green you push on the gas as hard as you can.”

I don’t know if she ever tried it.

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they
bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet, and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. “What are you people doing?” he asks.
“I’m told you’re giving my 85-year-old grandfather Viagra on a daily basis. Surely
that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”

 

Today at eighteen minutes after eight it will be…

8/18/18  8:18

 

100 years ago a Twenty Dollar bill and a Twenty Dollar gold piece were interchangeable. Either one would buy a new suit, new shoes and a night on the town. The Twenty Dollar gold piece will still do that.

And that’s it for me for today my friends.  Please give a thought to throwing a couple of bucks our way and have a great week until we meet again.

Impish Dragon.