Dragon Laffs #1639

Sad Header

I don’t feel much like laughing this week.  In fact, I find myself in tears with little or no warning far more often than I’d like.  My heart aches and my soul hurts.

It doesn’t help that I’ve been deeply sick with the flu since Wednesday of last week.  I went to work Monday and Tuesday of this week, but was so miserable and afraid of getting everyone else sick that today, Wednesday, I stayed home.

And while I’m sitting here, I get a message that my father, Papa Dragon Most Senior, had a heart-attack last night.  And before anyone gets too upset, it seems as though he will be just fine.  (Update on Friday: Dad had a heart cath on Thursday morning and had not quite emergency surgery on Thursday night.  He needed triple bypass surgery last night but as of this morning is doing quite well.)

But, come on!  I’ve had enough!  I know I said that 2019 was going to be our best year yet, but did the world have to take a huge dump on me SO quickly?

But, I remember Dragon Laffs motto: Fighting the World’s Bull-shit, One Laff At A Time, and I realize that it’s not just the motto for the website, it’s something that I try to live by every day of my life.

And I start remembering the fun times we’ve had.  There weren’t that many, to be brutally honest, but there were some and those are the things I need to cling to.  Those are the memories I need to, and DO, cherish. 

She has been fighting demons of her own making for many, many years, and now that fight is over.  Now she can rest.

Many of you have sent so many wonderful messages to me and my family and for that I am unspeakably grateful.  I can feel your love and support even now.

I do want to share a comment from my brother Lethal, that made me cry when I read it and now again as I’m putting it here, but it is so appropriate, I want to share with you all in case you didn’t read it in the comments:

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there; I did not die. – Mary Elizabeth Frye – 1932

Eternal rest, grant unto her O Lord
and let perpetual light shine upon her.

May she rest in peace. Amen.

May her soul and the souls of all the faithful departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
Amen.

Thank you my brother, I know that Mary answered you as she did most, if not all, the rest of you, she has been my strength this last week.

I will be saying good bye to my daughter on Wednesday, 23 January, she would have not quite reached her 41st birthday.

Thank you all for all your love and support, and thank you for allowing me to share my emotions here with you.  I will (hopefully) be back next week with more laffs, but for now, I’ll enjoy the love and warmth of you while I remember the happy times with her.

Valarie, you are loved and you will be missed.

 

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Post-script….

In reading through and answering message for Bob, I believe some clarification may be necessary.

It was he and his ex-wife’s daughter who passed which it’s easier for me to answer, than it is for him to answer…right now.

Always, Mrs Dragon aka Mary.

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No Issue this week

My friends,

On the morning of Tuesday, January 9th, my 40 year-old daughter died.  She had suffered most of her young life with addiction as well as physical and mental issues.  Her death is still under investigation, but it appears she took her own life.

I have been trying to write this post for hours, actually, if the truth be told, I’ve been trying to write this post in my head since the moment I was contacted by the investigators.  One of my first thoughts was to reach out to you, my extended family.  But, as you can imagine, I’m really still in shock.

Please don’t worry if I don’t answer your emails or other messages right away.  My wonderful wife has possession of my phone and is handling most everything that is coming in.

We are not asking for anything from anybody other than thoughts and prayers.  But, if you read between the lines you probably understand that she had no life insurance and her family is raising money for burial expenses and such.  Her mother has started a facebook fundraiser to help raise money.  I don’t know that much about facebook, have no real desire to learn anything about facebook and if it wasn’t for the dart league I wouldn’t even have facebook.  But, if you’d like to contribute, you can hit the same button you hit to donate and I’ll make sure that a special check is written from dragonlaffs.

Thank you for your love and prayers, I haven’t even sent this out and I can already feel your outpouring of love and prayers.

Thank you my dear, dear friends and family.

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Dragon Laffs #1638

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I’m sorry.  Ran out of time this week, so no witty opening and just a short issue today.

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Hey!  Wait a damn minute!

While I was out shopping today I tripped in the store.  A woman saw this and wouldn’t stop staring so I smiled at her and said, “Sorry, but it’s been a while since I possessed a body.”  She looked horrified.

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I’m not sure if you’ll be able to read this, you might try copying it and enlarging it, but it is a GREAT essay!  All parents should pay attention.

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I heard this on the radio the other day and had to share:

10 Foods that make us the happiest:
Chocolate
Pizza
Fried Foods
Steak
Burgers
Spicy Foods
Ice Cream
Brownies
Cheese
Pasta

Of course…in no particular order.

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I had an interesting New Year’s Eve.  I went line dancing that night…well, it was a roadside sobriety test … same thing.

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I have CDO.  It’s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order, as they should be!

6b

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Walmart is closing 269 stores in 2019 putting 14 cashiers out of work.

6c

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Life should be more like hockey.  When someone pisses you off, you just beat the shit out of them and then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.

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To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they’re due back at the library next Friday.

Thank you.

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I don’t understand why people say hurtful things like “Want to go for a run?” Or “Try this kale.”

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I’m not self-medicating with chocolate.  The lady at the shop wrote me a prescription… well, she called it a receipt.  Whatever.

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I replaced my litter box with a FedX box, now when it’s full, I just tape it shut and put it on my porch for someone to steal.

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When I dunk my cookies in milk I think of you.

And hold them under until the bubbles stop.

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If you weight 200 pounds on Earth, you’ll only be 76 pounds on Mars.

You’re not overweight, you’re just on the wrong planet.

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Let’s do some Motivationals!!!!!!!!

Purpose

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Pussy Whipped

pyramids

Question

Quiet Time

Racism

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Random Encounter

I’m not sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then and causes lots and lots of problems.

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My chemistry tutor at school asked my class to write 1000 words on acid.  Unfortunately, I was unable to complete the assignment as my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

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Something to ponder…

The United States has become a place where entertainers and professional athletes are mistaken for people of importance…

I’ve needed a Doctor.

I’ve needed a Teacher.

I NEED farmers every day.

I have NEEDED an auto mechanic, a plumber, a house painter, and a lot of other everyday people.

But I have NEVER, not even ONCE, NEVER NEEDED a pro athlete, a media personality, or a Hollywood entertainer for ANYTHING!

And I most especially have NEVER NEEDED their FUCKING OPINION on ANYTHING!

4989

Finally, a good Trump joke.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”  This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout, ‘Mickey Mouse’?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous.  I meant to shout… ‘Donald, duck’!”

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A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!”.

The boy thought for a moment, then said, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $50 for the bulls and $15 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

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That’s it my friends.  Until next week.

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Dragon Laffs #1637–Happy New Year!

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New year, new beginnings.  Different than old beginnings.

There are a lot of jokes about new year resolutions, about gym memberships that don’t last through the first month, spending and saving programs that piddle out in February.  But, the new year is still a new beginning.  A chance to change.

I know, I can hear you out there saying that you can start change anytime.  Every day is a new day, a new beginning.  But there is something special, something magical, about the new year.  Something that says, “from this day forward…”  Something that just begs to be held up to the sky, to the bright day of a new year and with your deepest primordial scream of defiance, yell into the heavens, “today is a new day!  I am alive!  And from this day forward I am going to ______”

And you get to fill in the blank.

Here are some of my blanks:

Start the day with a “Good Morning!” and a smile.  You don’t have to walk into the office or into a meeting and jump right into things.  There is plenty of time for that.  The first time I see someone during the day, it’s going to be, “Good Morning!” with a smile on my face like I’m happy to see them.  Not immediately jump to, “Where are we with this?” or “I’m going to need you to do this.”  We’ll get to that, after the “Good Morning!” and the smile.

I’m going to think of reasons and excuses to say “yes” rather than to immediately default to “no”.  Now, I’m not bad at this right now, but I can be better.  And that’s not to say that there aren’t times when “No!” is not only appropriate, it’s a complete sentence.  But, if everyone said “yes” when they could and SHOULD say “yes”, wouldn’t the world be a much better place?

I’m going to do a better job of ignoring the pain and living my life despite it.  Enough about that.

I’m going to make someone smile every day because of something I’ve done or said.

And now it’s time to make all of us smile, and chase the darkness back a bit further.

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Don’t annoy me this week, because if you do…

I will give your number to all the kids and tell them it’s Santa’s Hotline.

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The worst thing about spanking a disobedient child in a store during Christmas Time, is not knowing whose child it is.

4

My bank account is the worst!  They’re charging me money for not having enough money in my account.  Apparently, I can’t even afford to be broke!

5

Life’s Rules #27a:
If  you haven’t grown up by age 50 you don’t have to.
See!!!!  That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!!!

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I know Christmas is over and I’m trying to stick to New Year’s cartoons but I just had to share this next one because it is just so horribly BAD!!!!
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Did you also catch the name of the place in the window?

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Impish Dragon’s Blanks

“Today is a new Day!  I am alive!  And from this day forward I am going to ____.”

Get the Brown Gold recipe from Lethal.

Find Lethal’s deli guy and get his pastrami.

Fly to Cuba more often for a better quality cigar. 

Raze and harass more villages to get better virginal sacrifices.

8

Eat salad they say.
It’s healthy.
You know what never gets recalled?
Cake.
I am sticking to cake.

9

It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised nine year-old was given a hundred dollars.

12

Banks need to get better at restocking these ATMs at Christmas…
This is the 5th one I’ve been to that has “insufficient funds.”

19

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the liquor store.

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I’m opening a gym called “Resolutions”.  It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks and then it turns into a bar for the rest of the year.

 

29

Roadside sobriety tests are getting so tough!  Last night when I got stopped I had to fold a fitted sheet.

34

Whenever I tell someone where I live and they say, “oh my gosh, that’s so far” I’m like calm down, I’m not inviting you over.

36

I’m in favor of a law that requires all telemarketers to wear shock collars that can be activated by pressing the pound (#) key.

38

My brain cells, skin cells, and hair cells continue to die.  But my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.

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Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician.

The magician was standing at the top of a slide.

The magician than said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink.

The first man went down yelling, ”beerrr!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of beer.

The second guy went down the slide yelling,”lemonadeee!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade.

The third guy went down the slide yelling ”wheeeeeeeee!!!”’

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Ever look at someone and think to yourself, “Why has no one hit you with a shovel yet?”

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John was at home with the missus when he heard a knock at the front door. He opened it to see his friend Mike crouched, clutching his hands between his legs.
“What’s wrong?” John said.
“I’ve been hit by a bloody golf ball!” said Mike.
Just then John’s blonde wife, Tanya, came to the door and said, “Quick come in here and I’ll look after you.”
When John looked in the kitchen he saw Mike sitting on a dining chair. Tanya had a bowl of rose water and petals and was bathing his friend’s family jewels with cotton wool and water.
“Wow!” said John, “How do you feel?”
Mike turned and said “John, I think what your wife has done has helped a lot!”
Then, holding his hand in the air he said, “But I still think I’ll lose the thumb nail!”

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And on that note, I’m going to wish you each and every one a happy new year and best wishes for a much better 2019 than 2018 had a chance of becoming!

Love you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

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