Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s the weekend … although, you guys are reading this on Monday, I’m writing this over the weekend.  A weekend where I am quarantined and restricted to my house.  Limited to sitting in my easy chair, confined to watching my TV, constrained to drinking my coffee in the morning and my whiskey in the evening, restrained to eating my food, in the restrictions of my home, while I talk to you guys on the computer… MAN!  IT DOESN’T GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS!!!

Now, of course you know I’m kidding.  Poking a little fun at the people who really are quarantined under much worse conditions than your favorite dragon is.  So … now I feel bad… like a real heel … not really. 

How about we all go out and find something to laugh about, shall we?

Another oldie but goodie…

A guy wants a divorce.  He tells the judge, “I just can’t take it anymore.  Every night she’s out until way after midnight, just going from bar to bar.”

The judge asks, “What’s she doing?”

The guy answers, “Looking for me.”

Whenever I feel blue I start breathing again.

I spotted a lizard on a portable toilet.  I suspect it was a

commode-o-dragon.

I’ve been kidnapped by Mimes … they did unspeakable things to me!

I got Itt that gig.  It was supposed to be Witness Protection.  That’s the only time his face was ever seen.

IRONY

The opposite of WRINKLY

Snails are everywhere …

Lynn sends us some Punny Chuckles:

Did you hear the joke about brooms?  It’s sweeping the nation.

I’ve started investing in stocks:  beef, chicken, and vegetable … One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

Crustaceans don’t just get electrocuted … they get shell shocked.

Got takeout at an expensive Chinese restaurant.  Must have dropped my cookie on the way out.  I lost a fortune there.

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
Why?
So when they come back to port the can Scandinavian.

BREAKING NEWS:  Insurance companies are warning campers – if your tent is stolen during the night you won’t be covered.

An invisible man and invisible woman married.  I’m not sure what they saw in each other.  Their kids were nothing to look at, either.

My friend composes songs about sewing machines.  He’s a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.

If I’m the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a … guardian of the galaxy?

There once was a king who was just 12 inches tall.  He was a terrible king but made a great ruler.

I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole the limbo stick.  Seriously, how low can you go.

Those were terrible…but you see why I had to print them anyway, right?

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself …

where the fuck is the ceiling?

High School Prom Picture

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in Adelaide, Australia. Cops spotted our bozo driving without lights on around 2 am. Further inspection of the vehicle found that he had painted over the license plate and had hand painted new numbers on the plate. He also added a helpful phrase at the bottom of the license tag. It read, “Not Stolen OK”. Well, we’re glad to know that. He’s busted! Charged with driving without a license, driving at night without lights and driving with a defaced license plate.

The voices in my head talk about me like I’m not even there…

And of course the Prom King and Queen

Husband asks his wife, “Why don’t you tell me when you orgasm?”

She replies, “Because I don’t like calling you at work.”

This one is huge … funny, how I keep getting lots and lots of political memes and comments.  If Biden is such a popular president, you’d think all this stuff would stop.

Why would you have to impeach a President that lost?  Unless, of course, he didn’t.  The you’d have silence him.  Oh, wait …

Accepting Biden is the same thing as teaching your children that it’s okay to lie, cheat, and steal.

Imagine being a Democrat and having to pretend, every day, that Joe Biden is competent, Hillary Clinton was innocent, and Barack Obama did a good job.  How difficult that must be just to keep a straight face.

There’s a nationwide manhunt for those who stormed the U.S. Capitol.  That’s probably a good thing.  My question is this:  Why is there no nationwide manhunt for the people who burned and looted Seattle and Portland for over 150 days?  Why no manhunt for the people who burned down the federal buildings?  Why no nationwide manhunt for people who burned down churches?  Why no manhunt for people who threw Molotov cocktails, chemical irritants, and explosives at police officers?  Why no manhunt for people who pull down and topple statues?  Why no manhunt for people who looted and burned private businesses?  Why no manhunt for people who brutally attacked elderly people merely for trying to defend their livelihood?  Why no manhunt for people who brutally attacked people for no reason whatsoever?  And why no media coverage of the fact that there is no manhunt and the disparity?  Why is no one asking the fucking questions?

Hot damn!  Where did all the Biden supporters go?!?  Why ain’t you guys talking about all the great stuff he is doing?!?  Where’d you all go?!?

Instead of donating his salary, Biden is going to donate mine and yours.

I’d much rather be a conspiracy theorist and question everything vs. a sheep that blindly accepts the Bull Shit we’re being sold.

“America does not need to see the tax returns of a billionaire who became a public servant … America needs to see the tax returns of public servants who became millionaires while being public servants.”

John Kerry as “Climate Czar”?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You do realize he’s the moron with 5 houses, 12 cars, 2 yachts, and a private jet.  He’s got the carbon footprint of a town in New Jersey!  And he’s telling YOU that YOU should take the bus, don’t eat meat, use electric cars, and to just “find another job” if you work in the oil and gas industry.  And you guys are seriously buying the hypocrisy and bullshit?

All my friends who support Biden must have unfriended me.  I don’t see any posts of them bragging about what a great job he’s been doing?

Pace yourself Joe.  You have 4 years.  You don’t have to destroy our country in your first week.

If you believe that Joe Biden, who lost two attempted presidential runs, then on his third attempt, hid in his basement and refused to campaign, got the most votes in history … you’re way too stupid to argue with. ~ William Layne

So … let me get this straight …
We have a President with dementia.
An ex-call-girl for Vice-President.
A transvestite over our Health and Human Services.
A crack-head’s buddy is the head of the DEA and Hunter’s other buddy is now in the Department of Justice.
The guy who was sleeping with the Chinese SPY is with our Homeland Security.
We are borrowing all of our money now from China.
Hundreds of thousands of immigrants are coming in for OUR jobs and Social Security Benefits.
AND … They are still focusing on impeaching a President that’s not in office anymore!
Add this in with the 40,000 jobs lost in the first week.
And yet, we’re supposed to believe that Biden is Pro-America???

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS SHIT UP, PEOPLE!!!

And yet our country continues to treat our Veterans like crap … they are more concerned with illegal aliens and foreign abortions then they are about men and women who have served our country.  Until THAT changes, this country will continue to deteriorate. ~ Impish Dragon

Now that the rainbow flag can be flown on government property, I want to start seeing crosses put back where they’ve been removed, the Ten Commandments put back in courtrooms, ant the Bible back in schools.

Yeah, right!  And I want to see Area-51 open for tours! ~ I.D.

Call me crazy, but we should probably open U.S. restaurants before U.S. borders…

Told you it was going to be a long one.  Lots of people out there with lots to say!

Just a friendly reminder that, in this cold weather, leaving carbonated drinks in your car overnight usually doesn’t end well.

OPTIMIST:

Someone who figures that taking a step backward after taking a step forward is n ot a disaster, it’s more like a Cha-Cha.

I’m still tired from yesterday’s tired.

Today isn’t looking so good.

And I’ve already used up tomorrow’s tired.

Having a dirty mind makes ordinary conversations much more interesting.  And should make it a little easier to spot “it” in the picture above.

“I love it wet, juicy, and in a nice pink/red color.  Sometimes it gets the hands sticky, but I don’t mind.  Watermelon is amazing.”

Now that’s certainly clear enough.

This is already a huge issue, so let’s make it a bit bigger…with some mail!

Leah D

My sister was born on the 12th, Lincoln’s birthday. I was supposed to be born on the 22nd, Washington’s, (but you know me, I don’t take orders well), so I was born right after it flipped to 23.
As kids, we loved it because we always got our birthdays off (yes, I celebrated mine a day early). Then in 1971, they put both days into one, and moved it to a Monday. By that time, I was married, and had 3 kids, liked having another 3day weekend.
Anyway, I remember when I was 11, my birthday party was at the movie theatre, and I felt like a baseball player, sliding into base for a home run, when I could still pay the “kids’ price. The next day, I stepped into “adulthood” at 12 years of age.

Yeah, “adulthood” at 12.  Isn’t it amazing.  Now we call adulthood so many different things.  The democrats want to give the vote to 16 year-olds because they say they should have a voice in things that affect them, when we all know that it’s only because they know that 16 year-olds are still stupid and stupid people vote democrat.  Legally at this point you are an adult when you are 18, you can vote, move out on your own, sign a contract, do all these things without your parents permission, even join the military and defend your nation, but you can’t drink alcohol or buy tobacco.  And scientists have said that our brains don’t fully develop until at least age 25, so shouldn’t age 25 be adulthood?  Do we really want people with underdeveloped brains voting and making decisions that effect all our lives?  For that matter, if you must be 35 to be President … should you be 35 in order to vote?  We could, indeed make a case for that.  Adulthood is different for different people.  I’ve sworn to my wife to NOT be an adult, until such time as it is time to be an adult.  And then I adult really well.  But, I sure as hell know that it’s not a 16 year-old given the vote.  THAT’S a mistake of gigantic proportions.

Alan F

Loved the Blazing Saddles reference!

Thanks Alan.  There’s an awful lot we can learn from that beloved old movie.

Dave

It’s a good thing you only had to self-identify at work. Just think . . .you could have had to self-quarantine. Hopefully, you didn’t have to get the Asian covid test. You wouldn’t be able to sit during your time off.

As you probably know by now, Dave.  I am in the middle of a self quarantine.  And working from home.  And I am quite glad that we are not doing the Asian testing … I haven’t had to drop my drawers in public in quite some time …

Marsha M

I feel your pain. Here in Missouri below freezing day 11, snow 10 to 12 inches and just for fun we had ice storm 1st. Poor AWD car will not go up driveway. It is 1/4 mile nearly straight up. Ice melt and salt are laughing at us. Snow plows are busy in town on main roads and all around us they have decided to do rolling blackouts. Glad I live on a farm built in 1900 before all the modern stuff was invented. Wood heat does not shut off unless you fall asleep. Pipes do not freeze if you leave water dripping or small stream I guess they had this green new deal way before we knew about it. We depend on sun to warm the road to melt the snow and the wind to dry it. 60 degrees in kitchen before I made bread, -20 out so what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. Have not been to store in a week…so practice run was a success. Only thing not able to do is work, but needed time off to quilt….clean, watch old movies…rest these old bones…I’m sure there will be plenty when this is done. Stay warm..vitamin D3 to ward off further testing…store bought or 15 min of sun…..stay safe.

Marsha, dear, sounds to this old dragon, like you have it all figured out!  The smell of fresh baking bread on a cold day … oh my … I’m salivating just thinking about it!  We’re supposed to have a slight warm-up this week.  All the way up to maybe 40 degrees.  Should start melting some of this stuff off.

Larry S

I loved the video tour of the ISS! Very interesting and informative.

I agree Larry!  I was enthralled.  I am not claustrophobic at all, but I found myself feeling that way watching portions of that video when she had to squeeze past places in the space station.  Just wow!

And finally:

Leah D

Since I turn 73 on Tuesday, I stole the white privilege card ad to post on my FB page. I’ll let you know how many food stamps were offered for it.

Happy Birthday Leah!  And yes, please let us know.

This bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”  I said, “Is that a fret?”

Ouch!!!

So, I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?”

He said, “How flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

That’s it for today my friends.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to … what the hell day is it?  Well, it’s Wednesday night as I’m writing this because I’m trying to get this one started so it’s begun, but I don’t think it will be published until Saturday … again … time travel.  But, you guys must be getting used to that by now, so old hat, right?

Anyway, working from home because I got exposed to the China-bug.  Picked up my work computer earlier, and I tested it out, works like it did last year when I spent three months at home.  You guys remember that time.  You guys got a new issue just about every day!  Good times, right?

I just paid the kid next door to shovel out my mailbox because I got a nasty-gram from my mailman that said if I didn’t I wouldn’t get any mail.  Now, normally that wouldn’t bother me, but I like my mailman and don’t want to piss him off.  And because he likes me, I’m afraid that he would deliver my mail regardless of leaving me said nasty-gram.  So, the kid next door, who I offered to pay twenty bucks for clearing out my mailbox, did an awesome friggin’ job.  I just wanted him to clear a path and he did that.  He also cleaned up my driveway, put salt down on my path, scraped the ice … he really did an incredible job.  Especially for a 16 year-old!  So, I gave him a $5 tip as well.  Not bad for about 30 minutes work.  Damn!  That’s $50 an hour!  Shit!  Nobody tell Bernie.

This looks like a really dangerous place for handicapped people.

It’s so cold outside … we had to chop up the piano for firewood, and got two chords.

My wife keeps an eye on my coffee intake.

She’s my ground control.

“Waiter!  This coffee tastes like mud.”

“Yes sir, it’s fresh ground.”

I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I didn’t like my attitude … and I got caught drinking on the job.

 

3 to 4 Beers per day significantly reduces your risk of giving a shit

Not that I was a huge fan, but nor was I a detractor, it still needs to be said:

Rush Hudson Limbaugh III

1951 – 2021

May you Rest in Peace. 

And I think the very best that can be said of a person:

You Made a Difference.

And it’s horrible that some people cheered and said horrible things about being happy that the man was dead.  How horrible of a person must you be to be happy at someone’s death.  Pete sent this to me and it says it all:

When you think about it, it’s all you really need to know.  Have you ever noticed that when a prominent Democrat or Liberal dies the Republicans, what’s left of the conservative media, and the Conservative people of the Country mostly pay homage, mourn and give respect to that person, even though they did not agree with them?  All you have to do is watch the “news” read the papers and read your tweets and other social media to see how the left react to the death of a Conservative.  The TV, Papers and all Media are filled with vile hatred and rejoicing over the death of a leading Conservative.  And that’s about all you really need to know about them…….

True words spoken my friend.

Vincent sent this to me and I found this way cool … maybe you will, too.

AWESOME!   I had no idea as to what the Space Station looks like. Now I do and it is very impressiveThis is something worthwhile to watch. Hope you enjoy. http://www.youtube.com/embed/doN4t5NKW-k

Absolutely Awesome  If you watch videos, this is one that you don’t want to miss. 

The Space X  jettisoned off  on 5/30/20. Here is where they went.

A full tour of the International Space Station.

First dates can be so much fun!

Hey!  Sasquatch is sending us all some really good news!!!!  Hang on to your hats!

Just wanted to let you know – today I received my 2021 Social Security Stimulus Package. It contained:

two tomato seeds,
cornbread mix,
two discount coupons each to KFC & Popeyes,
a ‘Biden Hope & Change’ bumper sticker,
a prayer rug,
a machine to blow smoke up my ass,
a ‘Blame it on Trump’ poster for the front yard,
and an application to join BLM.
The directions were in Spanish.

Yours should arrive soon.

Ummm…. so not the really good news I was expecting … so … never mind.

Not the most comforting of signs.

I have been nominated to a “25 Pushups a Day for 25 Days” challenge.

I blocked that person.

Red never stood a chance …

Just rolled over for a cuddle…forgot I’m single … fell off the bed.

They asked the founder of Dubai, Sheikh Rashid, about the future of his country, and he said:

′′ My grandfather was on a camel, my father was on a camel,

I’m in a Mercedes, my son is in a Land Rover,

and my grandson is going to be in a Land Rover,

but my great grandson will be back on a camel…”

 

Why is that?

Tough times create strong men, strong men create easy times.

Easy times create weak men, weak men create tough times.

Many won’t understand but you have to raise warriors, not parasites..

 

An oldie, but goodie …

Took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”

“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”

I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”

“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.

Sticking your tongue on an outdoor bug zapper lamp will cure the virus.    (Yup, I read it on the internet.)

What happens when you forget to take down your Christmas lights …

Math Class Word Problem in 2021:  “If Jimmy is a Hairdresser and wants to marry a Personal Trainer in an open air food court, how many people can attend the ceremony?”

FOR SALE:

I’m selling my white privilege card.  It’s 73 years old, but it’s in mint condition.  I has never been used, not even one time.  Reason for selling is that it hasn’t done a damn thing for me!  No free college, no free food, no free housing, no free anything!  I actually had to go to work every day of my life, while also paying a boatload of taxes to carry and support those who chose NOT to work!

Interested?

Contact me on my Non-Obama cell phone that I pay the bill for every month!

Serious buyers only!

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.

Runs until Friday.

Didn’t have a bad winter for four years!

Biden gets elected and Hell freezes over!

And that my friends is that from my quarantined location here in the Dragon Lair.  I hope you all enjoyed this issue.  At the close of this issue, still no symptoms.  Although, I did think that I had lost my sense of taste last evening before bed … but I think it may have just been the bed time medication that I partook of.  It was a little scary.  I’ll not go into the type of medication it was, since I don’t want to give the youth out there the wrong idea … but, those of you who know me can probably figure it out without too much trouble.

Anyway, love and happiness to you all.  Until we meet again. 

Good Morning Campers,

Well … it’s happened.  The Dragon has been exposed to COVID.  I’m not saying I have it.  But it was enough of an exposure that I went and got tested this morning.  Today is Monday, Presidents’ Day and we are in the midst of a huge snow storm, but at 0930 hrs. I swept off the car and drove down to the local National Guard Armory where they are doing testing and got myself tested.  Now, I have to wait 4 to 6 days for the results.  No one in our town does the rapid testing and I wasn’t going to drive 25 miles in a virtual blizzard just so I could get a COVID test.  But, I had to self-identify at work and now I am quarantined until I get my test results back.

Damn!  I have to take a couple of days off!  That sucks!  Man, I hate this shit!(<—Insert Sarcasm Font)

Too much?

Okay, anyway, I’ll keep you guys informed and let you know what’s going on.  But, as of right now, got tested and no symptoms.  So, there doesn’t seem to be anything left to do but watch the snow, and …

   I’m not sure if that’s really stable or just great irony.

Now that’s total and complete lack of “Give-A-Shit”  oh, and also wonderful irony.

And now, how about some Footballisms from some great Football Coaches thanks to Papa Dragon Most Senior … my Dad:

“Gentlemen, it is better to have died a small boy than to fumble the football”…. 

– John Heisman

“I make my practices real hard because if a player is a quitter, I want him to quit in practice, not in a game.” 
– Bear Bryant / Alabama
 
“ It isn’t necessary to see a good tackle, you can hear it!” 
– Knute Rockne / Notre Dame 
 
“At Georgia Southern, we don’t cheat.
That costs money, and we don’t have any.”
– Erik Russell / Georgia Southern
 
“The man who complains about the way the ball bounces is likely to be the one who dropped it.”     
–  Lou Holtz / Arkansas – Notre Dame
 
“When you win, nothing hurts.”    
–  Joe Namath / Alabama
 
“A school without football is in danger of deteriorating into a medieval study hall.”    
–  Frank Leahy / Notre Dame
 
“There’s nothing that cleanses your soul like getting the hell kicked out of you.”    
–  Woody Hayes / Ohio State
 
“I don’t expect to win enough games to be put on NCAA probation. I just want to win enough to warrant an investigation.”     
–  Bob Devaney / Nebraska 

“In Alabama, an atheist is someone who doesn’t believe in Bear Bryant.”    
–  Wally Butts / Georgia
 
“I never graduated from Iowa. But I was only there for two terms – Truman’s and Eisenhower’s.”  
–  Alex Karras / Iowa
 
“My advice to defensive players is to take the shortest route to the ball, and arrive in a bad humor.” 
–  Bowden Wyatt / Tennessee
 
“I could have been a Rhodes Scholar except for my grades.”    
– Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State 
 
“ Always remember Goliath was a 40-point favorite over David.”    
– Shug Jordan / Auburn  
 
“I asked Darrell Royal, the coach of the Texas Longhorns, why he didn’t recruit me “    
He said,   “Well, Walt, we took a look at you, and you weren’t any good.”    
–    Walt Garrison / Oklahoma State   

“Son, you’ve got a good engine, but your hands aren’t on the steering wheel.”    
–  Bobby Bowden / Florida State

“Football is NOT a contact sport, it is a collision sport.
Dancing IS a contact sport.”   –
Duffy Daugherty / Michigan State
 
After USC lost 51-0 to Notre Dame, his post-game message to his team was; 
“All those who need showers, take them.”   
–  John McKay / USC

“ If lessons are learned in defeat, our team is getting a great education.”    
–  Murray Warmath / Minnesota
 
“The only qualifications for a lineman are to be big and dumb. 
To be a back, you only have to be dumb.”    
–  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
 
“We live one day at a time and scratch where it itches.”    
–  Darrell Royal / Texas  
 
“We didn’t tackle well today, but we made up for it by not blocking.”         
–  John McKay / USC
 
“I’ve found that prayers work best when you have big players.”    
–  Knute Rockne / Notre Dame
 
Ohio State’s Urban Meyer on one of his players:
“He doesn’t know the meaning of the word fear.
In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn’t know the meaning of a lot of words.”

Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?     
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday. 

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?     
Drool.

How many Va Tech freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?     
None. That’s a sophomore course. 

How did the Auburn football player die from drinking milk? 
The cow fell on him. 

Two Va Tech football players were walking in the woods.
One of them said,   “ Look, a dead bird.”
The other looked up in the sky and said,“Where?” 

What do you say to a Florida State University football player dressed in a three-piece suit?     
“Will the defendant please rise.”

 

How can you tell if a Clemson football player has a girlfriend?   
There’s tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck. 
 
What do you get when you put 32 West Virginia cheerleaders in one room? 
A full set of teeth. 

University of Michigan Coach Jim Harbaugh is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week. The other half will have to dress themselves. 
 
How is the Kansas football team like an opossum?   
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.   

How do you get a former University of Miami football player off your porch? 
Pay him for the pizza.

Thanks Dad, those were GREAT!

Okay, maybe we’ll stop for a little while…

Frankenstein enters into a body building competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.

Absolutely!

I want to know how they got taught to drive, slowly or otherwise?  I’m having a helluva time getting Izzy Dragon on the road.

If you’re feeling lazy, just know that my mom just asked my brother to vacuum his room, but he youtubed a vacuum sound and laid in bed instead.

Definitely needed today!

Signs of impending disaster …

Although the cat looks the least comfortable of them all …

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Think about it for a minute and if you still don’t get it … I’m sorry.

If I were a driving instructor, I would definitely take my students on this road.

I can’t wait until my kids get cars.  First thing I’m going to do is stomp Cheetos in the floor boards and explode a coke in the back seat.

And that’s how Dad’s roll … or um … sink.

Oh crap!  Mother-In-Law is here!

Makes sense to me.

Taco Bell is selling fries.  Burger King is selling tacos.  KFC is putting Cheetos on chicken sandwiches …

I knew we shouldn’t have legalized marijuana.

That is AWESOME!!!!

Let’s do some mail, shall we?

Leah D

OK, I felt bad about receiving the first two stimulus checks, because this pandemic hasn’t affected us financially (except I can’t do my own shopping in the stores, so have paid too much for what I have to order . . . mostly food), but I am so damn busy doing computer related work for others, mostly older people like me, who do not have a computer and internet like me, in a time when everything has gone to internet (as in, can’t go to DMV unless you make an appointment on the internet), that I feel I should get the next stimulus as ‘early’ payment, rather than waiting to be given my just rewards in heaven, which I might be seeing soon, if the stress from all this computer work doesn’t level off!
WHEW! I feel so much better . . . (this rant to be continued)

Wow Leah … that took a convoluted turn, but we expect nothing less from you, dear.  Don’t feel bad about taking your money back from the government.  They are going to get it back from you, anyway.  And it’s not like it didn’t start out as yours to begin with.

Dave

I don’t think you really have OCD. If you did, you would call it CDO.

Very subtle Dave. And now I feel cured!!!!

Thanks!!

Tomw

Another good job Imp

Thanks Tomw … is it just me or does your name look like a screwy abbreviation for tomorrow?

Jerry M

Just an FYI if when you go to stop on snow or ice first shift into neutral before applying the brakes. Stop faster and stop straight.

An excellent point Jerry.  That works when you are stopping under non-emergency or excited conditions, but trying to remember that when you are in a bit of an excited situation is difficult for a lot of people.  So, you tend to do what you practice.  So, practice, practice, practice.  When it’s a little slick out, pop the car into neutral when you come up to a stop sign or light and get used to it and then when you get into a tight situation when the car is in a skid, you might remember to do that and it might help you out.  But, every situation is different.  The judicious application of power to the wheels might be what you need, also…to avoid hitting that immovable object.  The important thing to remember is to slow down and be safe.

Stephanie

My dearest Dragon, it’s ok that you pick on me, accuse me of horrible puns, and blame sexist remarks on me. However, the Halloween picture of us was supposed to be private!
You ask how much Nancy spends for her security? Not one cent, we pay for it.
The Morocco woman killed her special friend because he wanted someone else. The article says she’s 30, 10 years older than him and they’d been in a relationship for 7 years. That means when she was 23 she grabbed a 13 year old boy? Where was that boys mama?

Yeah, I did the math on that boy, too.  Seemed a little … odd. 

And Nancy should be ashamed of herself, but we all know she has no shame.

And that picture was private!  I have no idea how it got put into circulation, much less published, but there is an internal audit going on right now and an investigation.  I’ve got Guido working on it.  Is that Ogre still after you?  I thought we had that buried years ago.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “Wow That’s Fantastic.”  Her texts are so much more fun now.

Also works as a whiskey holder … and I gots to get me one of those!!!!!

The German Parliament building has a glass dome above it that people can walk over.  This is to remind the politicians that government should be transparent, and the people are always above them.

Not to get off topic, but I found this device attached to the bottom of my car … does anyone know if I should be worried?

Study also finds that newspaper headline writers are also parents.

Signing contracts with blood actually makes sense.  A written signature can be forged or ambiguous, but the DNA test will always show whose signature it is.

Great Answer!

Samsung originally sold noodles.  It wasn’t until 1970 that they started selling electronics.

Yeah, it’s like that.

Did You Know:  It costs $30,000 to get on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  A-Listers like Julia Roberts, Denzel Washington, Clint Eastwood, and Al Pacino don’t have a star because they didn’t pay.

I sympathize with batteries … I’m never included in anything either.

The Mayan god of wind and storms was called Jun Raqan, pronounced “Huracan” hence the word “Hurricane.”

Well, I got my results back today and I tested negative for the COVID virus.  But, they cautioned me that that doesn’t mean I don’t have it.  I could have tested too soon after my exposure, it could be a false negative, and just because I don’t have any symptoms might mean that I am asymptomatic and still have it.  So, why the hell did I waste my time even getting the test if I still have to take 14 days off work?  Yup, 14 days off work.  Even though I tested negative.  Silly assed rules.

So, this afternoon, after everyone has left work, I’m going to go in to the office and get my work computer so I can work from home…so…good fun.

Today’s Question of the Day:  Why do we send men overseas to fight for freedom and give it up without a fight here?

Is it too late to impeach George Washington for owning slaves?  I don’t see how we can let that shit slide.

Watching our country being destroyed by our own people is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen…

Biggest Super Bowl in history going on in DC right now …

It’s the Patriots vs. The Stealers

And Lynn Says:  At some point this feels like something that should be addressed. All of these fuckers are rich enough. If you’re in the business of making laws and regulations that affect industries, how about you don’t get to buy stock in any of the industries your decisions may actually affect.  Yup… for the rest of us, that’s called “Insider Trading” and it’s against the law!  But, oh, I forgot.  The law is for us peons, not for Queen Pelosi.

You know, it’s a shame that we even think we might need signs like this in our buildings.

Do you all remember, before the internet, that people thought the cause of stupidity was the lack of access to information?

Yeah.

It wasn’t that.

Aussie Pete wanted to know if this next one reminded me of anyone …

If he had been to my matches, I wish he had introduced himself.

Boy, ain’t that the truth.

And with that we’re going to call it an issue.  May you all be happy and blessed.  More on Saturday.  Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Presidents’ Day.  Which actually started out as Washington’s Birthday although with the move to make it the third Monday in February insures it will never actually occur on his actual birthday of February 22.  Washington’s Birthday was the first official national holiday for an individual, the second being Martin Luther King.  It became Presidents’ Day in the early 2000’s when they threw Lincoln’s birthday in there as well. 

So, happy Presidents’ Day!  Go do Presidents’ Day stuff like … um … go to a mattress sale or something.  No seriously, according to History.com, Presidents’ Day celebrations and traditions include …

Like Independence Day, Presidents’ Day is traditionally viewed as a time of patriotic celebration and remembrance. In its original incarnation as Washington’s Birthday, the holiday gained special meaning during the difficulties of the Great Depression, when portraits of George Washington often graced the front pages of newspapers and magazines every February 22.

In 1932, the date was used to reinstate the Purple Heart, a military decoration originally created by George Washington to honor soldiers killed or wounded while serving in the armed forces. Patriotic groups and the Boy Scouts of America also held celebrations on the day, and in 1938 some 5,000 people attended mass at Saint Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City in honor of Washington.

In its modern form, Presidents’ Day is used by many patriotic and historical groups as a date for staging celebrations, reenactments and other events. A number of states also require that their public schools spend the days leading up to Presidents’ Day teaching students about the accomplishments of the presidents.

And that is President’s Day. 

Oh, before we get started, I heard a great commentator on TV.  He said something to the effect, Biden is going to allow 25,000 illegal aliens to come into the United States, but is doing nothing to re-open the schools to put our kids back in school.  Which shows that he cares more about people in Mexico then he does about American children.  Think about that for a few minutes.

The Bozo Criminal for this morning comes from Syracuse, New York. This Bozo had the potential to be a good businessman if only he hadn’t been so stupid. Jacob Martin was apprehended when the police saw him driving by neighborhood businesses and smashing glass windows and doors with a slingshot. His excuse–his glass repair company wasn’t doingso well and this was his way of drumming up business.

Bozo criminal this morning is from the International File. From Calgary, Alberta, Canada comes twenty year old Jacques Lepointe…in jail for breaking and entering. The bozo did his time and was released in mid-november. He left behind several items in his cell when he got out… perhaps the most important being a diary listing the dates and locations of 150 homes he planned to burglarize when he got out. The police were on hand to greet him at the first home on the list.

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate . 2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe. 3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job. 4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting. 5. Then, tried being a Chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme. 6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it…. I couldn’t cut the mustard. 7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy. 8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience 9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory.  Tried hard but just didn’t fit in. 10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income. 11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining. 12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. 13. After many years of trying to find steady work , I finally got a job as a Historian – until I realized there was no future in it. 14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

The rumble strips on the highway are for the blind drivers.  Took me seven years to realize.

My dad told me that oil spots on the street were little kids that got run over because they didn’t hold anyone’s hand while crossing the street!  Oh my gawd!

My grandmother told my mother that the left boob is for regular milk and the right is for chocolate milk.  My mom believed this until she was in high school and took sex ed.

More Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

If the ice cream truck is playing music, it means they have run out of ice cream.

My mother told me that when earthquake happens, our planet is fighting with another planet.  I believed that shit till the 2nd grade. 

My dad used to tell me Santa was tired of milk and cookies, I’d get extra toys if I left Doritos and a beer.  That went on for years.

Boy, ain’t that the truth.

“Ha!  I found you!  Best damn Hide and Seek player EVER!”

More Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

Oh no, this isn’t Cola, it’s black water and you wouldn’t like it.

My dad told me that pushing the seat recline button on an airplane helps the plane take off, and that if not enough people push it the plane would crash.  OMG, can you imagine that poor kid, sitting on the plane, watching to see who pushes their seat back and then screaming at the last minute for everyone to push their seats back!

People get 10,000 words per month.  If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins.  Anytime I was especially talkative, Dad would say, “Careful now, I have to think you are up over 9,000 by now.” That would shut me right up.  That is actually a brilliant idea!

Chuck E Cheese is only for birthday parties.  You have to be invited to one to go there.  Nice!

More Lies Parents Tell Their Kids

When we went to the store, my mom used to tell me, “Every time I touch something a kitten dies.”  That is particularly evil…but exceedingly effective.

My mom told me that if I ate raw cookie dough I’d get worms.  Fake news!

Grandmas said, “If you wander off, the boogie man will kill you and make sausage out of you.”  That’s not only evil, that’s awfully specific.

They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.  Effective.

Okay, just because …

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

A keeper.

Spin the year wheel first. Put in the year that you graduated from High School or whatever. Then press “Hit Me.”  This is so cool, 50’s and 60’s are particularly great for our generation.  This will keep you amused for hours!

http://thenostalgiamachine.com/

Thanks for that one, Ed

This is pretty cool.  The green dots on the Google Earth map represent radio stations all over the world.  Click on any one of the dots and you will immediately hear that station with very good reception.  For example, halfway up Ireland’s east coast, there is a station playing Irish pub music.  Any of you who are multilingual will certainly enjoy this.

http://radio.garden/live/toulouse/radiopresence

Thanks Stephanie

Computer Trouble

When we fill out a repair report, one of the first things we generally ask, is if it was plugged in – the cleaning crew likes to use the plug-in…90% of the time the answer we get is YES.  But when we get there, guess what….
We call that PICNIC … Problem In Chair Not In Computer

You have to love a good nurse

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn’t told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn’t come off easily… if at all.

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

“Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week.”

Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn’t it?

Be ready soon, my campers.

Husband:  I want you to have this bracelet.  It belonged to my Grandmother.

Wife:  Why does it say, “Do Not Resuscitate”?

Just another public service announcement from your friendly neighborhood dragon.

Sometimes I sit quietly and wonder why I’m not in a mental asylum … then I take a look around and realize … maybe I already am.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive,

they’d eventually find me attractive.

That’s a helluva tattoo!

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom –

until they’re flashing behind you.

Take my advice – I’m not using it.

Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution,

along comes a more-talented fool.

A computer once beat me at chess,

but it was no match for me with a sledge hammer.

If tomatoes are technically a fruit,

is ketchup a smoothie?

I’m trying to think of another word for synonym.

You know you’re old when …

You come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs.

I paid my psychiatrist to follow me on Facebook.  That way we can skip the sessions and she can just send me the pills.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Well, that’s for today, my friends.  I hope you had a good laugh.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Campers,

Now, don’t get me wrong … I like snow as much as the next guy … but enough is enough already.  I’m tired of the snow, the ice, the freezing friggin’ cold, but more than anything else, I’m tired of the damn snow plows going by my house at 2 in the damn morning scraping an empty street and waking my ass up! 
Now, don’t get me wrong.  I spent YEARS living on Air Force Bases around the world sleeping right through those noisy-assed fighter jets taking off in afterburner at all hours of the day or night and it never bothered me – could sleep right through it, but there’s something about the thubbedda, thubbedda, thubbedda, of a damn snow plow coming down the road that just wakes me up every single time.

And you’d think these people in Indiana would know how to drive in the damn snow!  Come on, people!  It’s not that hard!  Take your foot off the gas a little sooner, break a little easier and a little sooner.  When you start to slide, take your foot off the break and steer into the skid, not push down harder on the break. 

I don’t know.  You get a lousy inch or two of snow on the ground and there’s nothing but cars off the road as far as the eye can see.  Does make for an easier drive for the rest of us…less crowded roads…except when the morons come skidding across the highways right at us.  Like playing dodge-cars at 50 mph.

But, enough about me bitching about the snow.  That’s not why you guys are here.  You guys want to laugh for a little bit to get your minds off the stupid shit, right? … … … Right?  Wow, sure is quiet out there, today… so I guess I’ll get started and hope the rest of you all get caught up.

Stupidity, that’s what he found.  Pure, unadulterated stupidity.

Bozo Criminal Ralph Johnson was sentenced to ninety day in jail for disorderly conduct. Ralph thought of himself as a smart Bozo, though, and felt that no jail cell could hold him. Days passed in jail and every day the Bozo planned his escape. On the 89th day of his 90 day sentence, Ralph put his plan into action–he broke out of jail! He made good his escape-for about five minutes. The Bozo was then re-arrested and sentenced to 18 months.

Oh, come on, everyone say it with me …

Okay, that’s really piss-poor ad placement.

Yeah, I’m thinking the women in the campground aren’t gonna like that one.

My daughter was doing her history homework and asked me what I knew about Galileo.  And all I could come up with was … “He was a poor boy, from a poor family.”

Yeah, and sadly, some of you youngster out there aren’t gonna get that one…but, I wonder if we actually HAVE any youngsters out there … or if all of us campers are of a “type” … hmmmm

Dad watching the kid while mom’s at work:

When taking care of his daughter, his wife contacts him a little too often to find out if everything is okay. A little annoyed, he responds with hilarious photoshopped replies…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That is an awesome Dad and Husband

Thanks Lynn

Today I’m doing nothing, because I started doing it yesterday and I wasn’t finished

…AND I’M NO QUITTER!

That’s one hell of an ice storm.

Every now and then you get a relative that gets stuck in a really crappy job …

Yes they can.

The most important parts of the Superbowl are the commercials and the food.

I really don’t care who makes the most baskets.

And if you show it to her, you are a dead man.

Done with dating sites.  I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

That’s not a bad idea Stephanie … but I think your husband might have a problem with it.

That is the honest truth.  It’s built into our DNA.

Oh, and Stephanie says that wasn’t her looking at the pizza delivery guys, it was something funny that she heard someone else say…okay…I’d stick with that story if I were you.

Yup, came in two flavors depending on where you lived … Well Water and City Water.

And I believe you Steph, honey.  But, it doesn’t really matter if I believe you or not, now does it?  You know we are bestest buds and I got your back, just tell me what story you want me to tell.

I have recently been diagnosed with a serious medical condition called OCD … Old, Cranky, and Demented. – Well, hell, me too!

I could always say you were over visiting with me and Mrs. Dragon and if you go home smelling like sausage and pepperoni, well … I’ll just say we had pizza while you were here …

That’s exactly what that poor man is doing … now, there’s not a wife in the world that would believe that.

I have a piece of bread sitting on the table that I’ve never eaten because I admire it so much.  It’s my roll model.

I would like to publically apologize to Stephanie for dragging her into my own personal craziness … let’s all give her a round of applause for being such a good sport!!!

Okay, that’s enough.  You know I love you Steph.

Impish Dragon and “Unknown” Playmate Halloween circa 1990

Dammit!  Where did THAT picture come from!!

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

Well, that clears that right up.

In an attempt to speed up my racing snail, I took the shell off to improve aerodynamics.  Didn’t work.  If anything it makes him more sluggish.

The first thing they did was stop building the wall on our southern border to protect us, the American citizen and then they put up a wall around OUR capital to protect them from … US?  Fucking hypocrites! 

Tour Of The Great Wall Nancy Pelosi Built –  [Benny On The Block 37] – YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaQU7yljBr8&feature=youtu.be

Walls Work!

Thanks Lynn!

I wonder how much Pelosi spent on her wall?

They are making preparations for all the illegals that are coming!

Between this and the censoring that is going on, what’s next?

Just one month has gone by.  Do you still feel like you are in the U.S.A.?

and thanks Sasquatch! 

First glance. . .follow the directions. DO NOT CHEAT!!

A COLGATE AD…..

Please do not glance at the end until you have looked at the three photos.

Pay close attention to each scene, tricky Colgate has created a very ingenious advertising campaign to promote their dental floss.

But…..before I explain to you the main detail of these images, I will let you observe these photos quietly on your own.

COUPLE 1

COUPLE 2


COUPLE 3

Alright, now that you’ve had time to quietly observe each of the three images…..

* In the first photograph, you might have noticed that the woman has six fingers on her left hand.
* In the second photograph, a phantom arm is floating behind the man,
* and in the third photograph, the man has only one ear.

The campaign attained its purpose.

It proved that food debris on your teeth will draw more attention than any physical defect does!

How well did you do???

You failed the whole thing?

Ha!

So did I…..

So, now you know that no matter what physical “defect” that you might have and feel self-conscious about…….just stick a chunk of spinach between your front teeth and no one will notice anything else about you!

An unpopular attorney had just finished trying a case in the County Courthouse and was on his way back to his office. As he exited the Courthouse he slipped on a banana peel that had been discarded on the Courthouse steps. It was a grand slip and he completed an entire flip before landing on his butt in front of a crowd of amused onlookers.
After dusting himself off and giving the crowd his most distasteful sneer, he turned and reentered the Courthouse. He hobbled up to the court clerk and slammed his briefcase on the desk. “I hereby file suit against the court,” he declared.
“You can’t sue the court,” the clerk replied.
“I most certainly can,” he said. “And my charges are that the court was negligent.”
“And what is the basis for your suit,” the clerk insisted. The attorney pointed a finger in the direction of the front steps and said, “I am suing for being overturned on a peel.”

Beware of Valentine’s Day scams. I ordered my wife some expensive jewelry, but they sent snowmobile parts instead!

Q:  What’s your idea of a perfect date?!?

A:  DD/MM/YYYY

Other formats can be so confusing.

Giving second chances have never been a problem for me.  I tend to give about seven or eight before I realize I’m an idiot.

Wow!

I have one cup of coffee each morning just to start the day off right.

The other ones are to keep me out of jail, help me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit.

I’m old enough to remember when Common Sense was still Common!

Good things don’t come to those who wait.

They come to those who work their asses off and never give up!

Okay, deleted from every server that it has been put on.  Never seen on TV that I know of, and whether you agree or disagree, he brings to light a hell of a lot of really interesting and scary information.  It is two hours long, but just the fact that our voter servers are overseas is enough to say that someone is a fucking idiot.  We are supposedly outsourcing our American Voter System?  Please!  Well worth watching.  This is Mike Lindell’s (The My Pillow Guy) and Absolute Proof: Exposing Election Fraud and the Theft of America  Watch here

https://rumble.com/vdlebn-mike-lindell-absolute-proof-exposing-election-fraud-and-the-theft-of-americ.html?mref=2oodx&mc=8wf7a

Now, I just read, that Biden is planning on closing Guantanamo Bay’s prison!  I suppose all of those people will be released to the United States as well.  What an idiot!

Dear Diary,

Today my friends asked me to go camping, so I made a list of the things I will need:

1.  New friends

My son asked me if the letter “W” starts with “D” and I can’t stop thinking about it.

This is such a fantastic practical joke … I can’t stop thinking about how much fun it would be.

Woman Accused Of Killing Boyfriend Then Serving His Genitals In Meal To Friends

A woman in Morocco has been charged with murdering her boyfriend and then cooking up a particular body part to serve to his friends.

The 30-year-old is accused of attacking her partner after he revealed he wanted to marry someone else.

Police will allege the woman flew into a fit of rage at the revelation after they had been together for seven years and she was planning a future with him.

After allegedly killing the man, who is 10 years younger than her, the 30-year-old cooked up his genitals and prepared the meat in a traditional meal known as a Machboos.

According to 7News, the dish is widely popular in Bahrain and is similar to the Indian biryani with rice and meat, typically chicken.

The woman reportedly gave the meal to the victim’s construction worker friends near her home in the United Arab Emirates.

They had no clue that what they were eating was their dead mate’s genitals, according to police.

The victim’s disappearance sparked concern amongst his nearest and dearest and the man’s brother went to the defendant’s house to look for him.

7News reports there wasn’t a single trace of the victim except for a rogue tooth that was found inside a blender.

A court report claims the 30-year-old woman fed the rest of the body to the dogs, who were allowed to gnaw on his bones.

She has allegedly confessed to the murder and will undergo a psychological examination to determine whether she is fit for trial.

STEWART PERRIE      7News

Published 21:09, Thursday 04 February 2021 GMT

 

Oh my dear gawd! 

 

Well, my dear campers, that has to be it for today.  I hope you had some fun, got some laughs, and maybe learned a little.  Be well, until we meet again.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon