Leprechaun Laughs # 394 for Wednesday May 10th 2017

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I’ll keep this brief. We’re lucky there even IS an issue today since when I went to open it on my computer a blank page came up. I don’t know what or why it happened, but I suspect my WordPress workaround might have unforeseen consequences and require some adjustment in the way I reopen unfinished issues.

Then again it could of just been a brain fart from my computer which has recently begun showing some early indications of the electronic equivalent of Alzheimer’s. This wouldn’t surprise me either at this point

For whatever reason, retrieving what I could and recreating the rest took up all my time for thinking up a witty opening. So grab your coffee and let’s do this thing before there are anymore unpleasant surprises shall we? 

Varrom

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Guess I was in a bad mood the other day when I went to the local breakfast spot where I haven’t been in some time and grumbled at the waitress I usually flirt with. She brought me this bad when I asked for coffee saying it should improve my mood. Unfortunately it did.

See witty smart arse I am I had to immediately ask if she modeled for the artwork and could I compare my cuppa to the original to determine how good the Latte artist really was. Good thing the hand print on the back of my head and the 1st degree burn mark on my nose form the hot coffee faded before Molly got home! Otherwise  I would have heard a loud “Lethal! You got had some ‘splaining’ to do!” from her.

As a result from now on this is how I’ll be getting my coffee while at the diner:

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Wonder if it will work for Irish Whiskey also?

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That’s exactly what the waitress said too!

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A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted Beach at Ft. Myers. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good Shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading A book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

“How are you today?”

“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.

“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.

“First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago,” he replied and turned back to his book.

“I’m sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely,” she countered. “Do you live around here?” She asked.

“Yes, I live over in Cape Coral,” he answered, and again he resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, “Do you like pussy cats?”

With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her Swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, “How did You know that was what I needed?”

The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”

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imageResistance is Futile:

For two years, Nick Troller’s license plate has read “ASIMIL8” — a Star Trek reference to the “Borg” race who tries to subjugate humanity. To make sure people get the reference, Troller even has a Borg plate frame. But Manitoba, Canada’s, Public Insurance Company, which issues plates for the Crown, has demanded he surrender the plate immediately: they claim “two people” called to complain that the word “assimilate” is “offensive” to indigenous people. “We’ve become way too sensitive,” Troller says. “You can’t say anything anymore to anybody.”

Meanwhile, Lorne Grabher of Nova Scotia, Canada, has had his personalized plate, “GRABHER”, for 20 years. But once U.S. presidential candidate Donald Trump was heard declaring he likes to “grab” women’s private parts, Grabher’s plate was recalled after a single complaint from a woman. With help from the Justice Centre for Constitutional Freedoms, he is suing the provincial government, charging infringement on his freedom of expression. “Canadians are becoming increasingly less tolerant of free expression,” says JCCF spokesman John Carpay. “You have more and more people who believe that they have a legal right to go through life without seeing or without hearing things they find to be offensive.” The problem, he says, is if we have a right to free speech, then we do not have a right to be free from offence. You can’t have both.” (RC/CTV) Free speech is specifically about speech you don’t like: we don’t need a free speech law about speech you agree with.

Copyright ©2017 by Randy Cassingham, All Rights Reserved. at http://www.thisistrue.com.

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Daryl Hall and John Oates as you’ve never seen them before

As they prepared for their upcoming tour, hitmakers Daryl Hall and John Oates sat down with Serena Altschul to look back at a decades’ old collaboration. The duo has sold more than 80 million albums, and have been inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame and the Songwriters Hall of Fame – all for a partnership they did not expect to last.

 

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R2D2 got buff!

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John and Joe where identical twins living in a small town. John got married and Joe bought a very dilapidated row boat. All was ok for about a year or so until John’s wife suddenly died. The next day Joes row boat sank.

A couple of weeks later an old lady said to Joe, oh mister Jones I am sorry to hear about your great loss. With out thinking Joe piped up and said that she was no big loss, that he had rented her out to 4 guyed from across town, that they all piled in at the same time causing her to split right down the middle.

The old lady fainted.

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A woman was fed up with men. They beat her, they left her, they were lousy lovers. She finally placed an ad in the personals. “I want a man who won’t beat me, won’t leave me, and is a great lover.” Time went by with no response when one day her doorbell rang. She didn’t see anyone there.

“Lady, down here.” On the ground lay a man with no arms and no legs. “I’m here about your ad.”

“But I want a man who won’t beat me.”

“Lady, I got no arms. I can’t beat you.”

“But I want a man who won’t leave me.”

“Lady, I got no legs. I can’t leave.”

“That’s all good and fine, but I really want a man who is a great lover.”

“Lady, I rang the doorbell.”

Perverted Prose 2

Queen – We Are The Champions (Official Video)

[To the tune of We Are the Champions & with apologies to Queen and deep respect for Freddie Mercury may he party in peace]

Lethal Leprechaun- We Are the Centrists

You’ve paid my Bills
Time after time.
Done your sentences
But committed no real crimes.
And bad mistakes ?
You’ve made more than a few.
Had more than your share of runways scuffed up with your face
But when you were in too deep I’ve always come through.

(And I could go on and on, and on, and on)

We are logical Centrist  my friend.
And we’ll keep on fighting liberal illogic till the end.
We are logical Centrist, we are logical Centrist.
No time for Liberals ’cause we are the champions-
not of left or right but right or wrong!

You’ve taken your bows and stolen my curtain calls.
I’ve brought you fame and fortune and the infamy that goes with it,
Then promptly billed you for it all.
Still it’s been no dumpster of day old donuts.
No on the Grace O’Malley cruise.
I consider your management a challenge before all the mythical races,
And I ain’t gonna lose.

(And I could go on and on, and on, and on)

We are logical Centrist  my friend.

And we’ll keep on fighting liberal illogic till the end.
We are logical Centrist, we are logical Centrist.
No time for Liberals ’cause we are scheming-
For Centrism to win over the world!

by Lethal Leprechaun for DragonLaffs.com © 5/2017 all rights reserved

Jaguar diving into river to catch a Caiman

 

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You guys are laughing, but a lot of us here in Texas are looking at that thinking ‘hmmm not a bad idea, I should do that’

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A recent addition to the Ninja Kitty Clan, he’s called ‘Boomer’ and believes there is no problem that cannot be solved or addressed with a suitable application of explosives.

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Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

HAVE NO FEAR LETHAL LEPRECHUAN IS HERE!

I’m writing this from a mobile device in a moving vehicle so I’m going to be terse.

My work around works. Impish’s mind however is a different story and not governed by the workaround. HIs issue is stored up on WordPress however he forgot in his rush and confusion of his currently very busy alleged real life that he never set it for publication before bed last night.

WordPress will show it to me but will not allow me to publish it from a mobile device or at least not the one I have with me. I should be home in about 10 minutes at which time after greeting Molly and the Ninja Kitties, a brief call of Nature and replenishment of my empty travel mug I will make getting the issue up for you my #1 priority so hang on just a little while longer please.

If you need release of your anger/frustration or withdrawal pain, may I suggest using this time to craft complaint/hate mail to Impish.

OK we’re exiting the highway time to post this and pack up.

Lethal out

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1539

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Good Morning Campers,

Today’s issue is the first attempt at the work around that Lethal came  up with and I experimented with.  We’ll see how it works out.

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Thursday, today for me, 2 days ago for you, is Star Wars Day.  You know, the 4th of May…May the fourth be with you?
Get it?
Oh jeez!
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Now?  Do you get it.

In celebration of Star Wars Day, here are 15 Leadership quotes from Star Wars, stolen from Jim Lalonde.  Okay, so maybe not stolen so much as … borrowed … or … highlighted.  Yeah, that’s it.  Highlighted.  Here’s the original article.  http://www.jmlalonde.com/15-leadership-quotes-star-wars/ 

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1. Qui-Gon Jinn – “The ability to speak does not make you intelligent.”  We all know someone who loves the sound of his own voice.  And some of them may even be able to speak well. But, just because you can speak well doesn’t mean you have any intelligence.  Our last president is the perfect example of that.

2.  Han Solo – “Great kid.  Don’t get cocky.”  Does this really need explanation?  Don’t let your success go to your head.

3. Yoda – “Do.  Or do not. There is no try.” Either do it or don’t.  There is no in-between.  “Get-er done!” is another quote and another way of saying the same thing.

4. Yoda – “Fear is the path to the dark side.”  Yes, it is.  As well as lots of other paths to get to the dark side.  Lethal and I spend a lot of time there.  We have a weekly poker game there, after all.  But, it also means that don’t let your fears overwhelm you and keep y9u from your fullest potential.

5. Obi-Wan Kenobi – “In my experience there is no such thing as luck.”  I like Seneca “Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”

6. Qui-Gon Jinn – “Your focus determines your reality.”  How do you get to Broadway?  Practice, practice, practice.  You want it?  Work at it.

7. Queen Padme Amidala – “Anakin, You’re breaking my heart! And you’re going down a path I cannot follow.” Yeah, don’t expect your loved ones to follow you when you make crappy choices.

8. Obi-Wan Kenobi – “Be mindful of your thoughts, Anakin.  They will betray you.” Don’t believe it’s true because you THINK it’s true.  No matter how much you may want it, get the facts.  Always the facts.  What are the numbers?

9. Princess Leia Organa – “Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”  Another easy and obvious one.  Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  You can’t do it all yourself.

10. Jyn Erso – “Trust goes both ways.” You want to be trusted?  Be trustworthy.

And I’ll leave the rest of them for you to read on line.  Again, the website is http://www.jmlalonde.com/15-leadership-quotes-star-wars/ and since I’m rapidly running out of time due to a long weekend of exercise and inspection I have at work.  So, this will be published and posted tonight.  So…

 

Let's Laugh

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As a fan of all things digital, I find this next video quite interesting in what our modern world is doing to keep us all connected.

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Dang!  I need to try that at work!  It doesn’t work at all at DL&LL Enterprises.  Lethal seems to see right through it.

So, there I was, crossing the street and I noticed a problem and wondered if there wasn’t something I could do to help fix it…

Nothing EVER works out the way I thought it would.

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Oh, I don’t know.  I think I could make a case for it.

Dragon Pix

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Last year, Lethal and I were asked to put on a demonstration for a local chapter of the Society for Creative Anachronism.  I’m the one on the right.  It went really well for us until I got a little over zealous and accidently set fire to the local neighborhood attached to the park we were demonstrating in.  We weren’t invited back.

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Awesome!  Just plain awesome!

I guess some things will never change. I recently hired a temp to help with the filing while my secretary was off for six months on maternity leave. Trying to arrive at an agreeable wage, I asked her what she expected to earn.

 

The temp replied, “Well … the minimum I could possibly work for is four hundred a week.”

I told her I’d give her that much with pleasure.
The temp shook her head and replied, “With pleasure it’ll be $600 a week.”

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The obscene phone caller said, “If you can name what I have in my hand,you can have it.” She responded, “If it fits in one hand, you can freakin’ keep it!
 
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A tired traveler pulls into a hotel ,Very tired after a long day’s trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeous woman sitting in the lobby.
 
He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby.
 
After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, “Fancy meeting my ‘wife’ here. I’ll need a double room for the night.”
 
The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000.
 
“What’s the meaning of this?” he yells at the clerk. “I’ve only been here for one night!”
“Yes,” says the clerk, “but your ‘wife’ has been here for three weeks!”

 

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Fantasy

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I don’t know…I’m just saying, don’t piss her off!

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If four out of five people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

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Critter

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Puns that will make you Groan

From: Hawkeye

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, ‘Keep off the Grass.’

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.

22 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

Yeah, I know.

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This next one took me a minute to see, but keep looking, you’ll get there.
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Motivational

moustaches

Hey!  Hey!  I resent that!  I’m not that creepy.

Mr Rogers

Mullet

Multitasking

Muslim Drivers

my balls

That’s some awfully strange Motivationals this time.

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I got this one from Lethal recently because he knows that I not only used to work on these aircraft, loaded this gun, but I also love this types of pictures.  This one I thought I’d share with the rest of you guys.

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And that’s it my campers.  I’m out of time and need to get this published.  I hope you have a wonderful day and a great weekend.

cheers

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 393 for Wednesday May 3rd 2017

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I’d like to start by thanking those who sent me Get Well wishes/eCards. I’m happy to report I’m well on the mend though still tire somewhat easily.  Apparently this is a thing that’s going around down here and in school districts are reporting as much as a 35% absentee rate from it.

I’d also like to assure those who commented on the problems the blog has been enduring that your comments/questions were not ignored, just delayed in answering until this issue, when ever it is that WordPress decides to allow me to post it.

As I said I tend to still tire easily and I’m running out of steam as this opening is the last thing I need to complete before trying to upload the issue for the first time early on Sunday afternoon. So before the urge to nap completely overwhelms me let me get the issue started by asking…

Blackbird

 

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Distress at 18,000 ft.

An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communications with a small twin engine aircraft.

A moment later the tower landline rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled “Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and travelling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!”

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. “Calm down, we acknowledge you and we will guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!”.

He began his series of questions.

Tower: “How do you know you are travelling at 18,000 feet??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: “Okay, that is good, remain calm. How do you know you are travelling at 180 mph??”

Aircraft: “I can see that it reads 180 mph on the dials in front of me”.

Tower: Okay, that is good. How do you know you’re flying upside down??”

Aircraft: “Because the shit in my pants is sliding out of my collar.”

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BURIAL PLANS…

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?”

The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down … and I know he won’t ask for directions.”

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Mail

Our recent posting troubles have garnered some comments of support and commiseration as well as  a couple raising a few questions/ideas/suggestions. While we both greatly appreciate any and all comments (particularly those of support and especially those from you women offering to “comfort” us) it is those last few I’d like to take a moment to address. This way you all can understand some of the reasoning and thought Impish and I have been exchanging over this problem and the condition of blog in general.

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Kyle:

We have already started discussion regarding a possible move, however please remember we have paid a substantial amount of money (some of its from generous readers) to WordPress. Money which WordPress would not be refunding to us, because according to them they’re not at fault. [cough! Bullshit!]

When we initially looked at moving we only wanted to move once because we were figuring we’d lose a great deal of the readership who were too set in their old ways to willingly switch to the new format. As a result we took our time, reading many how to’s , platform reviews and comments by knowledgeable people and other blog authors. WordPress was rated the top blogging platform in terms of what you got and simplicity of usage on both sides of the blog. Moving in all likelihood would mean paying more for less.

We barely manage to scrape together what we need to keep the blog running as it is now. We long ago gave up on the notion that we’d be able to make the blog self sustaining by adding a few revenue paying advertisers because we’ve never been able to grow
the blow to the minimum needed hits per day to be considered for even the lowest paying advertisers. Currently we receive less hits in a week than the minimum number needed per day to be considered and the number of hits has steadily been falling off over the past year.

As for advertising, we’ve tried Ad Swaps in the past, we tried “Tell A Friend” campaigns from w/in the blog, nothing has worked. Like it or not being Centrist in our point of view, believing in the application of Common Sense to governing and laws as well as the listening to and follow of the will of WE THE PEOPLE doesn’t make us a popular view point. IT is unlikely that advertising in the forums you’re suggesting is going to get us the attention of anything other than radical fringe, something we try to avoid as they tend to drive away readers when they arrive.

Finally I have used the “LethalLeprechaun @ DragonLaff.com” signature tag on several boards I have belonged to &/or Posted/Commented on in the past and never have I heard or seen anyone  who has crossed over due to it.

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Ginny:

By daily blog I’m guessing you’re referring to the old Yahoo Group method.
There are several problems with this:

1.) The membership rolls are at least 5 or 6 years out of date and if we revert back  suddenly the unwashed masses will descend howling on us because they didn’t unsubscribe from the newsletter format when we converted over to blog format.                                      Early on we sent out several periodic reminders of the move because we took such a drastic hit in our readership only to be met in some quarters by vitriolic attitudes and comments from several dozen disgruntled former readers. This included at least one unfounded  complaint to Yahoo who makes no attempt what so ever to determine the merits of the complaint but instead presumes you automatically guilty and threatens to kill off your group.

2.) Yahoo Groups is itself on shaky ground and something we cannot be sure will actually remain for any length of time.  I am a member still of several Yahoo groups and this is a constant source of worry among the owners.

3.) Daily blogs on Yahoo must be done daily. You cannot upload ahead of time and schedule releases as we can with the blog.
     For example my personal goal every week is to have the blog completed and ready to upload not later than 3 PM on Monday.  Occasionally something happens between then and Tuesday evening requiring me to add to and repost but most of the time what you see has been waiting in the cloud for posting for 48 hours when you get it. This was one of the things that made blog format so attractive and has helped us continue the blog despite increased pressures on our time

4.) Quality will serious suffer. Those Yahoo issues were assembled in an e-Mail handling program, not a blog creation program.        Yahoo is not compatible with a blog creation program. Ergo much of what you have become accustom to will no longer be possible.
      Slick layouts, embedded videos and such will be a thing of the past again which is one of the reasons we moved. Also issues will severely shrink in size as there is a limit of roughly 1/4 to 1/3 the size of a normal blog file when it comes to e-Mails and long term storage of past issues will no longer be possible.

Thanks to both of you for the support and putting your ideas out there for our consideration. You never know when someone doing such a thing will cause us to think about something we might not have or re-examine a previous discarded notion. At this moment in time I can say that no option has been ruled out and is off the table…as yet.

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You’re An EXTREME Redneck When…

1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

16. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

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The is a saying in the Military, particularly the Navy & Marines-

“One Oh Shit! Will immediately wipe out a career’s worth of ‘Atta Boys’”

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That’s some pretty serious optimism!

When you’re from the country you look at things a little differently…

A Montana rancher got in his pickup and drove to a neighboring ranch and knocked at the door. A young boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your Dad home?” the rancher asked.

“No sir, he isn’t,” the boy replied. “He went into town.”

“Well,” said the rancher, “Is your Mother here?”

“No sir, she’s not here either. She went into town with Dad.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No sir, He went with Mom and Dad.”

The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

“Is there anything I can do for you?” the boy asked politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message for Dad.”

“Well,” said the rancher uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It’s about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant.”‘

The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Howard.”

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HELGA’S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY – DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship — all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this “all-girls” trip.


DEAR DIARY – DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.


DEAR DIARY – DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.

Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.


DEAR DIARY – DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship’s casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne.

He asked me to stay the night, but I

DECLINED…


DEAR DIARY – DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.

Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked.


DEAR DIARY – DAY 6

Today I saved 1600 lives.

Twice.

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Only in the Southwest

Call Jesus

As I was driving home yesterday, worrying about all the stuff going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, etc., and how America is falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:

NEED HELP?

CALL JESUS

1-800-005-3787

Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.

A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.

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Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1538

Dragon Laffs 5

Good Morning Campers!

As you are well aware, we’ve been having serious issues with being able to publish our ezine.  Lethal Leprechaun had much difficulty publishing his issue and I imagine I may well have the same on Saturday.  But, I guess we’ll see.

If you’re reading this, then we’ve overcome the problem again, if you’re not reading this than I suppose nothing I say at this point will make any difference since you aren’t reading it, anyway.

So, with that bundle of fun out of the way, let’s get on with today’s Dragon Laffs.

 

 

let's laugh

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Never underestimate the bland and unimaginative.

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Or Lowes, or K-mart, or Kroger….strangely, I’ve been invited back to Walmart and been given a lower rate on my Walmart credit card.

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And it’s called a phone and making phone calls is the least thing that we do with it.

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Yup, that’s about what my mom would’ve done.

dragon pix

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A few weekends ago we had our annual “laser tag” tournament.  Pictured here is one of the semi-final matches with K2 (on top dragon) going against Paul K9 (on the green dragon).  The match was won, barely in overtime, by Paul.  Way to go Paul!  Hopefully you enjoyed the “Prize” you won…even if Ginny didn’t. 

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All I remember is Lethal turning to me and saying, “Here, hold my beer and watch this!”

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Damn.  I got the wrong answer.  I thought it was 19.

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No doubt.  That is WAYYYYYYY Cool!

fantasy

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Commuting Frequently Asked Questions #215: Yes, this does indeed qualify for the carpool lane.

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Ouch!  Damn!

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A mechanical engineer died, and on Judgement Day was sent down to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One-day God calls and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake; he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here!”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here, or I’ll sue.”
“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, “And where are you going to get a lawyer?”   2747

 

Cynical Philosopher…
♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?
♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last  night.
♦ Money talks …but all mine ever says is good-bye.
♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”
♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “ Sag Harbor .”
♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.
♦ My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.
♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
♦The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
♦ I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

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Critter

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I’m thinking you’re not even going to be able to GIVE that dog away.

 

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That is bad….that is sooooooo bad.

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Did YOU ever lie to your children?  If you lied to your children, they are going to tell you that the nursing home is a Sandals Resort. Below are some of the doozies received from parents who lied to their children — AFTER the children found out otherwise (like in school?)!
1. My Mom’s friend got tired of her kids eating her scallops when they went to restaurants, so she told them that scallops are “Dolphin Balls.” 2. The rumble strips on the highway are for the blind drivers. It took me seven years to realize blind people don’t drive! 3. My dad told me that oil spots on the street were little kids that got run over because they didn’t hold anyone’s hand while crossing the street. 4. “When you lie, your ears turn red.” I covered my ears every time I lied. 5. My grandmother told my mother that the left boob is for regular milk and the right is for chocolate milk. Mom believed this until she was in high school and took sex ed. 6. If the ice cream truck is playing music, it means they have run out of ice cream. 7. My Dad told me that if I swallow chewing gum my poops would bounce up and down in the toilet. I cried when I swallowed some gum. 8. My mother told me that when earthquake happens, our planet is fighting with another planet. I believed that shit until the second grade. 9. My Dad used to tell me Santa was tired of milk and cookies. I’d get extra toys if I left Doritos and a beer. That went on for years. 10. Oh no, this isn’t Cola it’s black water you wouldn’t like it. 11. My dad told me that pushing the seat recline button on an airplane helps the plane take off, and that if not enough people push it the plane would crash. 12. People get 10,000 words per month. If you reach the limit, you can’t physically speak until the new month begins. Anytime I was especially talkative, Dad would say, “Careful now, I have to think you are up over 9,000 by now.” That would shut me right up. 13. When I was little, my dad told me that Pulp Fiction was a documentary on oranges because he didn’t want me to watch it. 14. I told my kids that if they didn’t behave in the drive-thru lane, they’d get a Sad Meal. 15. When we went to the store my mom used to tell, “Every time I touch something a kitten dies.” 16. My mom told me that if I ate raw cookie dough I’d get worms. 17. Grandma said: “If you wander off, the boogie man will kill you and make sausage out of you.” 18. “They don’t sell replacement batteries for that toy.” 19. Chuck E Cheese is only for birthday parties. You have to be invited to one to go there. 20. My parents got me to eat calamari by telling me they were “Italian Onion Rings”.

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Ain’t that the damn truth!!!!

“The only fun thing about filing your tax return is getting a refund. About 80 percent of taxpayers get money back, which is a weird thing to be happy about. That means you’ve been overpaying all year long. It’s like if someone broke into your house and the police recovered the stuff and brought it back and you said, ‘Oh, presents.’ ” — Jimmy Kimmel   You’re giving the government an interest free loan all year.  And you’re exited you’re getting your own money back. – Impish Dragon     Groan 2751

11

what

Okay!  That’s it!!  Nobody, and I mean NO BODY! Goes to sleep on Sunday!  Is that understood!!!!????

 

“Cough” – “Through” – “Rough” – “Though”

None of these words rhyme.  But, for some godforsaken reason

 “Pony” and “Bologna” Do.

English is weird.

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politicians

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It’s so very, very sad…but it’s also so very true!  People are beginning to disgust me.

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Recently in the news, you may have heard that we dropped the most powerful, non-nuclear weapon in the American arsenal.  The GBU-43/B Massive Ordnance Air Blast or MOAB.  MOAB is commonly referred to as the Mother Of All Bombs.  Well, below we have the MOALB.

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Just FYI.  This is what the real MOAB looks like with a nice scale shown with the people standing beside it:
13

After getting all of Pope Francis’s luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”

“I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that.  I’d lose my job!  What if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

“Who’s going to tell?” asks the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets into the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 130 mph.  (Remember, the Pope is Argentinean, and Fangio, the famous racer, was Argentinean.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness,” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license – and my job!”  moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches;  but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,”  he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 130 mph.

“So bust him,”  says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that.  He’s really important,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, “Who do you have there, the mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “A senator?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The President?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s GOD!”

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious,  “What makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “His chauffeur is the Pope!”

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A nun, who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site, noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
 
 
She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
 
She walked up to the group and with a big smile said: ‘Do you men know Jesus Christ?’
 
 
They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled, ’Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?’
 
One of the steelworkers yelled down ‘Why’?
 
The worker yelled back, ‘His wife’s here with his lunch!’

 

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What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.

“It’s easy to identify people who can’t count to ten. They’re in front of you in the supermarket express lane.”

“It’s a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one’s safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract.” – Alan Shepherd

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A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died, because I  left the lights on overnight.  I was in a hurry to get to work on time  so I ran into the house to get my wife to give me a hand to start the  car.
 
   I told her to get into our second car, a prehistoric oversized gas  guzzler, and use it to push my car fast enough to start it.  I pointed  out to her that because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed  to be pushed at least 30mph for it to start.
 
   She said “fine,” hopped into her car and drove off.
 
   I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.  A minute passed by and then I saw her in the rear-view mirror coming at me at  about 40 mph.  Suddenly I realized that I should have been a bit clearer with my directions….

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motivational

Motivational Where will you be

Motivational Word of God

Motivational%20Women

Motorboating

Mountain Biking

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I hope you have enjoyed my limited offerings today.  Now, I’ve just got to find out whether or not this thing is going to post or not.

Cheers

Impish Dragon

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