Dragon Laffs #1526

Dragon Laffs 2

Campers

Well, another Saturday is here and here we all are again.  I love meeting you guys here every week. 

Just trolling around the internet the other night I found this fantastic commercial.  And I HAVE to share it with you.  I hope you find it as good as I did…

Wasn’t that cool?  As a person who has spent significant time away from family and friends in support of our country, I have to tell you that given an opportunity like the one presented here would have been literally amazing. 

 

Let's Laugh

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Can you turn this pyramid upside down in 3 moves?

Here’s a fun little game you can play with your kids and grandkids this weekend. At first, it seems like there’s no easy way to accomplish this task, but you’ll be shocked when you see the solution!

The puzzle goes like this: Using 10 coins, stack them into a pyramid with one coin on the top, working your way down to four.

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Once the pyramid is set up, challenge the kids (or yourself!) to reverse the pyramid by only moving three coins. To get the right answer, you should wind up with a triangle that’s now pointing down.

Do you know which coins you need to move?  Scroll down and watch the video to see if you were correct.

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In celebration of last weeks Super Bowl, where one of the main topics of conversation was the deflating of footballs by New England in order to win.  Also known as friggin’ CHEATING!!!

But we are actually going to take the opposite point and show you some footballs that are OVER inflated.

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Oh!  Those are the good ones!  I hate the bone-in ones.

Dragon Pic

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I really, really hate being woken up in the middle of the night by some silly spell caster who thinks he can control me or in some other way use me.  I usually just eat them.

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A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said, “I want to be a movie star.”

Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials. The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

The guy said, “My name is Penis van Lesbian.”

The agent said, “Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.”

The agent said, “Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for
years…you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE to change your name or I will not be able to represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we will not do business together,” the guy said and he left the agent’s office.

FIVE YEARS LATER……The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000?

 
He reads the letter enclosed:

Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood; you told me I needed to change my name. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.
 
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
 
After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.
 
I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
 
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

long way to go

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Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.  Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late.  But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously  demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk. “Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss and I am sorry and am working on it.”
“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.”
“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder.”
Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment,  “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”
The old  man  looked down at the floor, then smiled.  He chuckled quietly, then said with a  grin,
“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, Admiral, can I get your coffee, sir?” 
10  I really gotta get some of these printed out.

Fantasy

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So, Ginny sent me this quick little note about her and Paul:  He said there was no spark between us anymore.  So I tasered him!!!  I’ll ask him again when he wakes up.
Poor guy.  I kinda feel sorry for him.

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Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation….

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals sunglasses,etc.
 
The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their ‘tourist’ garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a ‘drop dead gorgeous’ blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them..They couldn’t help but stare.

 

As the blonde passed them she smiled and said ‘Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,’ nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said ‘Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,’ and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it any longer and said, ‘Just a minute, young lady.’
‘Yes, Father?’

‘We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?’ 



She replied,’Father, it’s me, — Sister Kathleen.

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Politics

4h

4i

4j

4k

4l

4m

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This is one of my biggest fears and Diaman and Ginny hit it right on the head…
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Knowing my luck, I’d end up with a gecko hip and start talking like that one from Geico.

The Centipede

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.  So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.  After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today?  We will have a good time.” 

But, there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So, he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.  The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.

This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey in there!  Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?”

(You are going to love this and then you are so going to hate me!)

This time, a little voice came out of the box, “I heard you the first time!  I’m putting my shoes on!”

I told you, you’d hate me.

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But, for those of us who’ve married for a while … it’s a piece of cake.

I just got off the phone with a friend living in northern Minnesota
near the Canadian border. He said that since early this morning the
snow is nearly waist high and is still falling..
The temperature is dropping and is at about 15 degrees (F) and the
north wind is increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and stare.
He said that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her
in………

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Motivational

mission Failed

Mistakes

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modern warfare

moms_minivan

Monday morning commute

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If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one, you should read this. The language used is a bit salty, but ‘he tells it like it is’ without cursing. This is funny….and true. This was sent by a retired dentist.

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think ‘Oh God please let me die …. Pleeeeaze . But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day …. he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 – Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

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Last Word

Tuesday is Valentine’s Day and in celebration, here’s some Valentine’s Day funnies

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Lethal sent this pad to me as a special Valentine’s gift.  I’m really not sure how to take it.   But it is a funny pad.  And a nice and useful gift. 

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One of my favorites and it has gotten me quite a few Valentine dates.

Valentine’s Day, also called Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine,[1] is an annual holiday celebrated on February 14. It originated as a Western Christian liturgical feast day honoring one or more early saints named Valentinus, and is recognized as a significant cultural and commercial celebration in many regions around the world, although it is not a public holiday in any country.

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Several martyrdom stories associated with the various Valentines that were connected to February 14 were added to later martyrologies,[2] including a popular hagiographical account of Saint Valentine of Rome which indicated he was imprisoned for performing weddings for soldiers who were forbidden to marry and for ministering to Christians, who were persecuted under the Roman Empire.[3] According to legend, during his imprisonment, Saint Valentine healed the daughter of his jailer, Asterius,[4] and before his execution, he wrote her a letter signed “Your Valentine” as a farewell.[5]

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The day first became associated with romantic love within the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the 14th century, when the tradition of courtly love flourished. In 18th-century England, it evolved into an occasion in which lovers expressed their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as “valentines“). In Europe, Saint Valentine’s Keys are given to lovers “as a romantic symbol and an invitation to unlock the giver’s heart”, as well as to children, in order to ward off epilepsy (called Saint Valentine’s Malady).[6] Valentine’s Day symbols that are used today include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten valentines have given way to mass-produced greeting cards.[7]

valentine_smoke_heart_lg_clr

Saint Valentine’s Day is an official feast day in the Anglican Communion,[8] as well as in the Lutheran Church.[9] Many parts of the Eastern Orthodox Church also celebrate Saint Valentine’s Day, albeit on July 6 and July 30, the former date in honor of the Roman presbyter Saint Valentine, and the latter date in honor of Hieromartyr Valentine, the Bishop of Interamna (modern Terni).[10]

 

Cheers

Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 378 for Wednesday Feb 8th 2017

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Morning Folks!

Just finishing off the last of the Guinness from Sunday with me breakfast- OK! So you caught me! I’m having the last pint o’ Guinness FOR breakfast.

I’ve had a permanent head (arse?) ache ever since Impish woke up post Super Bowl and started moaning and I’m hoping this along with a strong dose of analgesics plus some noise canceling headphones will ease it somewhat before I start thinking about putting Impish out of my misery.

Yes the Patriots won the Super Bowel but I’m not proud bragging or gloating about it. Frankly in my estimation they didn’t deserve the win the Falcons did. From where I was sitting they came out of the locker room for the coin toss choking. What is it with Massachusetts teams and choking anyway?

Moving right along. we’ve a very full issue for you today with lots of laughs, some very important Recall Notices, the busting of a new Urban Myth meant to screw consumers and a pretty good message for all those spoiled liberals who are still invoking their inner three year old to throw tantrums over Trumps win after eight long agonizing years of suffering Obama. On top of all that is the story of what started this headache of mine.

So sit back sip & nosh what you got and enjoy!

Lets Roll-99

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Don’t mind Impish folks- he’s just still a bit under the weather from Super Bowl Sunday.  See I knew he’d raise a continual ruckus over not being allowed to attend the True Believers in the New England Patriots Super Bowl Party hosted by none other than yours truly.

If not invited he’d have been banging incessantly on the door whining about how this was unfair or texting me every time another round of hot munchies made it way from the kitchen to the party under armed guard. He’d also threatened to fly to the top of the mountain and park his wide load of a backside directly in front of the satellite dish.

If I allowed him to attend the party, he’d never cease talking, not watch the game instead spending his time alternately between grazing the snack bar and growling at those who sought sustenance from “his” snacks.

Highly annoyed with him I offered him the weekend on a private island in Leprechonia. Sensing that I was getting extremely put out with him he declined out of fear that private island might turn out to be Crab Cay again.

Clearly I had to do something, otherwise I’d never even be able to host a 4 year old mud cake tea party again. Then I hit on a plan. Sunday Impish presented himself at the party door and hour before start time giving me  his ultimatum. Allow him into the party or he was prepared to spend the day napping in front of the satellite dish tail swatting it into oblivion if I sent CyberLethals to evict him.

That when I sprung my plan on him. I told him that if he came to the party he’d have to share his 100# Rotisserie Steamship Round of Buffalo (medium rare) as well as his Peachcombers.

Now we all know how much Impish loves his Peachcombers as well as how little he like sharing anything that’s “his”.  I then showed his a 50 gallon plastic drum which had been decorated as a giant pineapple, replete with an actually multicolored gold umbrella doing the part of a drink umbrella. Just to push it over the top protruding from the drum was several yards for the clear reinforced hose they use for beverage dispensers looped in crazy whorls and knots. I told him this was a dragon sized Crazy Straw. Impish was hooked, immediately crooning to the barrel calling his his precious all the while hauling it off carefully so as not to spill a drop.

What I might have forgotten to mention to him was that the barrel actually contained 45 gallons of Peachcombers and 5 gallons of !51 proof rum on top of the alcohol already in the Peachcombers! Half an hour later as the guest started arriving all that could be heard of Impish was a soft snoring interspersed with the occasional belch as he woke up long enough to take another dragon sized sip.

He was so dead to the world he completely failed to even notice I appropriated 15# of his Buffalo (from the un-dragon-gnawed side of the steamship round) for Buffalo Philly Cheese Steaks! The downside to this was the 48 hour Dagon sized hangover the entire staff suffered through and the fact today he seems (as you can tell from his comments above) perpetually stuck in low gear.

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Damned Dragon moaning all night long! Who can get any sleep?

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Everyone Freak Out! America Is Running Low On Bacon

Pig farmers can’t keep up with the overwhelming supply for frozen pork belly

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Look, we’ll get through this. You’re willing to pony up a couple extra bucks to get your bacon fix, right? So long as you pay, the farmers will have your back. “While bacon may become more expensive for consumers, rest assured [the] pork industry will not run out of supply,” Deaton told USA Today.

And the bacon nation breathed a collective sigh of relief.

We don’t have to spend many words extolling the virtues of bacon, but here are some anyway: Bacon is crispy. Bacon is chewy. Sometimes it’s thick-cut, sometimes it’s thin, sometimes it’s smoky, but all the times it’s a party in your mouth. We wouldn’t go so crazy over bacon if it didn’t also pack some nutritional punch: One strip contains just 44 calories and nearly 3 grams of protein, per the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA), so you can—and should—use bacon to add loads of flavor to lots of foods.  But sound the bacon alarm, because we may have a bit of a crisis on our hands. According to USA Today, the country’s bacon reserves have hit the lowest levels in 50 years.

Hard as they try, the nation’s pig farmers can’t keep up with the overwhelming demand for frozen pork belly. “Today’s pig farmers are setting historic records by producing more pigs than ever,” Rich Deaton, president of the Ohio Pork Council, told USA Today. “Yet our reserves are still depleting.” The national frozen pork belly inventory in December 2016 was 17.8 million pounds—the lowest level in half a century, per the USDA. That means prices are on the rise, and you know who you can blame? Our fellow bacon lovers from faraway lands. The Ohio Pork Council says increased foreign demand may account for the drop in inventory, as hog farmers export more than a quarter of all total productions.

OK you all in full blown panic mode right now? You (very few) savvy investor types calling your brokers or day trading yourselves into Pork Belly Futures?

Well STOP! Take a deep breath (and smell the bacon), this isn’t like the coffee shortage problem I reported last year which is real. This is simply a matter of Pig Farmers taking after their product and being “Pigs for Profits”.

Don’t panic, there’s not going to be a bacon shortage

Posted 5:59 pm, February 1, 2017, by Anica Padilla,

Updated at 06:18PM, February 1, 2017

WASHINGTON — A recent report from the U.S. Department of Agriculture sparked major anxiety among bacon aficionados.

According to the report, the amount of frozen pork bellies in storage fell to about 17.7 million pounds last month, the lowest December inventory since the USDA started keeping records in 1957. That’s down more than 35 million pounds from December 2015.

Adding grease to the fire, the Ohio Pork Council created a website called Baconshortage.com.

USA Today, Forbes, NBC and Men’s Health ran panic-inducing headlines, including:

Nation’s bacon reserves hit 50-year low as prices rise

The Looming Disaster Of A US Bacon Shortage

Now It’s Getting Serious: 2017 Could See a Bacon Shortage

Everyone Freak Out! America Is Running Low On Bacon

But there’s no need to panic. Representatives from the pork industry say they are confident they can keep up with demand and there won’t be any serious shortages.

“To imply that there’s going to be some shortage of bacon is wrong,” Steve Meyer, vice president of port analysis for EMI Analytics, told The New York Times. “There’s plenty of hogs coming. There’s going to be plenty of bacon.”

Rich Deaton, the president of the Ohio Pork Council, told the Times that Baconshortage.com was a marketing tool.

“We can’t control how the news is interpreted,” Deaton told The Times. “The demand is high and us pig farmers, not only in Ohio but throughout the U.S., have risen to the occasion and are going to meet that demand.”

So as far as this story goes (thanks to Paul K9 for semi freaking out and sending it to me):

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Well ok technically in this case its more like pig shit, but of the 2, trust me, you’ll prefer the scent of bullshit hands down.

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Attention

PSA Recall

RECALL: Power Adapters for Tablets

Barnes & Noble recalls power adapters sold with NOOK Tablet 7 due to shock hazard

Posted on February 5, 2017.

Name of product:  NOOK Tablet 7″

Hazard:
The power adapter casing can break when plugged into an electrical outlet, exposing its metal prongs, posing an electric shock hazard.

Remedy:  Replace

Consumer Contact:
Barnes & Noble toll-free at 877-886-5025 from 8 a.m. to 11 p.m. ET, Monday through Friday, or 9 a.m. to 11 p.m. ET on Saturday and Sunday, or online at http://www.barnesandnoble.com and click on “Product Recalls” listed at the bottom of the page.

Units:  About 147,000

Description:
This recall involves the black power adapter sold with the NOOK Tablet 7″. The adapter bears markings: model number TPA-95A050100UU, manufacture date 201610. The NOOK Tablet 7″ model number BNTV450 is located on the back of the NOOK.

Incidents/Injuries:
Barnes & Noble has received four reports of the power adapter breaking or pulling apart exposing the metal prongs. No injuries have been reported.

Remedy:
Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled power adapters and register online for a free replacement adapter along with a Barnes & Noble $5 gift card. Once registered, consumers will be able to print a pre-paid UPS label to return the recalled adapters to Barnes & Noble. Consumers will receive replacement adapters in the mail. Until a replacement adapter is received, consumers are advised to charge their NOOK Tablet 7″ through their computer using a USB cable.

Sold At:
Barnes & Noble stores and online at http://www.barnesandnoble.com from November 2016 to January 2017 for about $50.

Importer(s):  Barnes & Noble, Inc., of New York

Manufactured In:  China

RECALL: Nightlights

Walt Disney Parks and Resorts Recalls Mickey Mouse Nightlights Due to Fire Hazard

Recall date: February 2, 2017

Recall number: 17-081

Name of product:  Happy Holidays! Mickey Mouse Nightlights

Hazard:  Liquid from the nightlight can leak onto the electrical outlet, posing a fire hazard.

Remedy:  Refund

Consumer Contact:
Walt Disney Parks and Resorts US, Inc. toll-free at 844-722-1444 from 9 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. ET Monday through Friday, or online at http://www.disneyparks.com and click on “Safety Recall” at the bottom of the page for more information.

Units:   About 3,000

Description:
This recall involves the Happy Holidays! Mickey Mouse Nightlight with a Mickey Mouse face and red and white Santa hat filled with liquid and glitter. The date code FAC # 019808-16150 is printed on the bottom rear of the nightlight. The UPC code, 400009489637, is printed on a sticker on the bottom of the product packaging.

Incidents/Injuries:
Walt Disney Parks and Resorts have received two reports of incidents, including one electrical fire. No injuries have been reported.

Remedy:
Consumers should immediately stop using the recalled nightlights and contact Walt Disney Parks and Resorts US, Inc. for instructions on returning them for a full refund.

Sold Exclusively At:
Walt Disney World Resort in Lake Buena Vista, Fla., Disneyland? Resort in Anaheim, Calif., Shop Disney Parks mobile app, and online at DisneyStore.com from July 2016 through November 2016 for about $15.

Importer(s):
Disney Destinations, LLC, d/b/a Disney Theme Park Merchandise, of Lake Buena Vista, Fla.

Manufactured In:   China

RECALL: Dog Food

Evanger’s Voluntarily Recalls Hunk of Beef Because Of Pentobarbital Exposure in one Batch of Food

February 3, 2017

Contact

Consumers

Evangers Dog & Cat Food Co
1-847-537-0102

Announcement

Out of an abundance of caution, Evanger’s Dog & Cat Food of Wheeling, IL is voluntarily recalling specific lots of its Hunk of Beef product because of a potential contaminant Pentobarbital, which was detected in one lot of Hunk of Beef Au Jus. Pentobarbital can affect animals that ingest it, and possibly cause side effects such as drowsiness, dizziness, excitement, loss of balance, or nausea, or in extreme cases, possibly death.

The specifically-identified lot numbers (as detailed below) of cans of 12-oz. Hunk of Beef being voluntarily recalled were distributed to retail locations and sold online in the following States: Washington, California, Minnesota, Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Wisconsin, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Massachusetts, Maryland, South Carolina, Georgia, and Florida, and were manufactured the week of June 6 – June 13, 2016.

Although pentobarbital was detected in a single lot, Evangers is voluntarily recalling Hunk of Beef products that were manufactured the same week, with lot numbers that start with 1816E03HB, 1816E04HB, 1816E06HB, 1816E07HB, and 1816E13HB, and have an expiration date of June 2020. The second half of the barcode reads 20109, which can be found on the back of the product label.

The subject recall affects 5 lots of food that were produced from its supplier’s lot of beef, which is specifically used for the Hunk of Beef product and no other products. To date, it has been reported that five dogs became ill and 1 of the five dogs passed away after consuming the product with lot number 1816E06HB13. Evanger’s is proactively issuing a recall voluntarily so as not to risk potential exposure to pentobarbital in the product.

All Evanger’s suppliers of meat products are USDA approved. This beef supplier provides us with beef chunks from cows that are slaughtered in a USDA facility. We continue to investigate how this substance entered our raw material supply.

Because we source from suppliers of meat products that are USDA approved, and no other products have had any reported problems, we are not extending the recall to other supplier lots. This is the first recall for Evanger’s in its 82 years of manufacturing. Although it has been verified that little or no product remains on store shelves, if consumers still have cans with the aforementioned lot numbers, he or she should return it to the place of purchase for a full refund. Consumers with questions may contact the company at 1-847-537-0102 between 10:00 AM – 5:00 PM Central Time, Monday – Friday.

RECALL: Pimento Spread

Ruth’s Salad Charlotte NC is Recalling Ruth’s Original Pimento Spread 7 oz. Because of Possible Health Risk. May Contain Listeria Monocytogenes

February 2, 2017

Contact

Consumers

Bill Rudisill
brudisill@ruthsalad.com
800-532-0409
864-616-4504

Announcement

Charlotte, NC Ruth’s Salads is undertaking a recall of Ruth’s Original Pimento Spread in 7oz plastic containers. The product has the potential to be contaminated with Listeria Monocytogenes.

Consumers who have purchased this 7 oz. Ruth’s Original Pimento Spread with the Lot #16, Sell By Date 4/30/2017 are urged to return the product to the place of purchase for a full refund.

The contamination was discovered during random testing by the NC Department of Agriculture. Consumers with questions may contact the company at 800-532-0409 between the hours of 7AM and 3 PM Monday-Friday. After hours, consumers may leave a message and your call will be returned as soon as possible.

Listeria monocytogenes is an organism that can cause serious and sometimes fatal infections in young children, frail or elderly people, and others with weakened immune systems. Although healthy individuals may suffer only short-term symptoms such as high fever, severe headache, stiffness, nausea, abdominal pain and diarrhea, listeria infections can cause miscarriages and stillbirths among pregnant women.

No illnesses have been reported to date in connection with this problem.

The recalled product was distributed in grocery stores in NC, SC, GA, and parts of Virginia and Tennessee.

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Impish will be reminded of this in a few weeks. Keep an eye on the news they’ll be reporting a blue moon in Miami County Indiana when it happens.

 

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Every now and then  we come across a story, a feat, an event that just makes us stop in our tracks.  This was one for me.

Cody Green was a 12-year boy in Indiana who was diagnosed with leukemia at 22 months of age. Cody loved the Marines, and his parents said he drew strength and courage from the Marine Corps. as he bravely fought the battle into remission three times. Although he was cancer-free at the time, the chemotherapy had lowered his immune system and he developed a fungus infection that attacked his brain.

Two weeks ago, as he struggled to fend off that infection in the hospital, the Marines wanted to show how much they respected his will to live, his strength, honor and courage. They presented Cody with Marine navigator wings and named him an honorary member of the United States Marine Corps.

For one Marine, that wasn’t enough … so that night, before Cody Green passed away, he took it upon himself to stand guard at Cody’s hospital door all night long, 8 hours straight.

Nowhere on the face of this planet is there a country as blessed as we to have men and women such as this.

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With 6 more weeks of winter on tap I just had to run this one!

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Unless you’re Lady Gaga, a Kardashian, Jenner or Kanye West then PLEASE fall off the face of the planet and never return!

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That’s why we have separate bathrooms in Keebler Towers!

being happy

 

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The Angry Man

For all the interest group pandering that shapes modern American politics, the group that may well have decided the election has come down to the demographic of “The Angry Man.”

The Angry Man is difficult to stereotype. He comes from all economic backgrounds, from dirt-poor to filthy rich. He represents all geographic areas in America , from sophisticated urbanite to rural redneck, Deep South to Yankee North, Left Coast to Eastern Seaboard.
No matter where he’s from, Angry Men share many common traits; they aren’t asking for anything from anyone other than the promise to be able to make their own way on a level playing field. In many cases, they are independent businessmen and employ several people. They pay more than their share of taxes and they work hard. Damn hard, for what they have and intend to keep.

He’s used to picking up the tab, whether it’s the Christmas party for the employees at his company, three sets of braces, college educations or a beautiful wedding or two. Not because he was forced to, but because it’s the right thing to do.

The Angry Man believes the Constitution should be interpreted as it was written. It is not as a “living document” open to the whims and vagaries of appointed judges and political winds.

The Angry Man owns firearms, and he’s willing to pick up a gun and use it in defense of his home, his country and his family. He is willing to lay down his life to defend the freedom and safety of others, and the thought of killing someone if necessary to achieve those goals gives him only momentary pause.

The Angry Man is not, and never will be, a victim. Nobody like him drowned in Hurricane Katrina. He got his people together and got the hell out. Then, he went back in to rescue those who needed help or were too stupid to help themselves in the first place. He was selfless in this, just as often a civilian as a police officer, a National Guard soldier or a volunteer firefighter. Victimhood syndrome buzzwords; “disenfranchised,” “marginalized” and “voiceless” don’t resonate with The Angry Man. “Press ‘one’ for English” is a curse-word to him.

His last name, his race and his religion don’t matter. His ancestry might be Italian, English, African, Polish, German, Slavic, Irish, Russian, Hispanic or any of a hundred others. What does matter is that he considers himself in every way to be an American. He is proud of this country and thinks that if you aren’t, you are whole-heartedly encouraged to find one that suits you and move there.

The Angry Man is usually a man’s man. The kind of guy who likes to play poker, watch football, go hunting, play golf, maintain his own vehicles and build things. He coaches kid’s baseball, soccer and football and doesn’t ask for a penny. He’s the kind of guy who can put an addition on his house with a couple of friends, drill an oil well, design a factory or work the land. He can fill a train with 100,000 tons of coal and get it to the power plant so that you can keep the lights on while never knowing everything it took to do that. The Angry Man is the backbone of this country.

He’s not racist, but is truly disappointed and annoyed, when people exhibit behavior that typifies the worst stereotypes of their ethnicity. He’s willing to give everybody a fair chance if they’re willing to work hard and play by the rules. He expects other people to do the same. Above all, he has integrity in everything he does.

The Angry Man votes, and he loathes the dysfunction now rampant in government. It’s the victim groups being pandered to and the “poor me” attitude that they represent. The inability of politicians to give a straight answer to an honest question. The tax dollars that are given to people who simply don’t want to do anything for themselves. The fact that, because of very real consequences, he must stay within a budget but for some obscure reason the government he finances doesn’t. Mostly, it’s the blatantly arrogant attitude displayed implying that we are too stupid to run our own lives and only people in government are smart enough to do that.

The Angry Man has reached his limit. When a social justice agitator goes on TV, leading some rally for Black Lives Matter, safe spaces or other such nonsense, he may bite his tongue but, he remembers. When a child gets charged with carrying a concealed weapon for mistakenly bringing a penknife to school, he takes note of who the local idiots are in education and law enforcement.

But when government officials are repeatedly caught red-handed breaking the law and getting off scot-free, The Angry Man balls-up his fists and readies himself for the coming fight. He knows that this fight, will be a live or die situation, so he prepares fully. Make no mistake, this is a fight in which he is not willing to lose and he will never give up.

Obama calls him a Clinger
Hillary Calls him Deplorable
Bill calls him Redneck                       
Black Lives Matter calls him a Racist
Feminists calls him Sexist
ISIS calls him an Infidel

Donald Trump calls him an American

Impish and I call him (and her) a DragonLaffs reader!

 

I was wracking my brain trying to find the words to express my thoughts and feelings about this Angry Man piece. Then I found the following in my Inbox and realized it dove tailed nicely with the above and expresses it far better than I could even if I spent all the time between now (Thursday Feb 2nd 2 PM) and midnight next Tuesday (posting time) try to find the words.

I did not check and see if this it was correctly attributed (which I’m fairly certain it isn’t) as shown because frankly, in this instance I don’t really care. The words sentiment and message are spot on regardless of whomever wrote it.

This is a great summary of what just happened with the US Election.

  “US” by Paul Genova

(Mr. Paul Genova has been President and Chief Operating Officer of Wireless Telecom Group Inc. since June 30, 2016. Prior to that Mr. Genova served as the Chief Executive Officer of Wireless Telecom Group Inc. from November 16, 2009 to June 30, 2016)

I haven’t said too much about this election since the start….but this is how I feel….
I’m noticing that a lot of you aren’t graciously accepting the fact that your candidate lost. In fact you seem to be posting even more hateful things about those of us who voted for Trump.

Some of you are apparently “triggered” because you are posting how “sick” you feel about the results. How did this happen you ask? Well here is how it happened!

You created “us” when you attacked our freedom of speech.

You created “us” when you attacked our right to bear arms.

You created “us” when you attacked our Christian beliefs.

You created “us” when you constantly referred to us as racists.

You created “us” when you constantly called us xenophobic.

You created “us” when you told us to get on board or get   out of  the way.

You created “us” when you attacked our flag.

You created “us” when you took God out of our schools.

You created “us” when you confused women’s rights with feminism.

You created “us” when you began to emasculate men.

You created “us” when you decided to make our children soft.

You created “us” when you decided to vote for progressive ideals.

You created “us” when you attacked our way of life.

You created “us” when you decided to let our government get out of control.

You created “us” the silent majority.

You created “us” when you began murdering innocent law enforcement officers.

You created “us” when you lied and said we could keep our insurance plans and our doctors.

You created “us” when you allowed our jobs to continue to leave our country.

You created “us” when you took a knee, or stayed seated or didn’t remove your hat during our National Anthem.

You created “us” when you forced us to buy health care and then financially penalized us for not participating.

When we became fed up, we pushed back and spoke up.

And we did it with ballots, not bullets.

With ballots, not riots.

With ballots, not looting.

With ballots, not blocking traffic.

With  ballots, not fires, except the one you started inside of “us”

“YOU” created “US”.  It really is just that simple.

I think you’ll agree with me that this represents  most of “US”.  –AND IT WAS DEFINITELY TIME !!!!                     

Actually, 4 years past high time from where I sit.

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Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1525

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Campers       Well, here it is, another Saturday in our little corner of madness we call Dragon Laffs.  A teeny, tiny town totally true to the theory of fabricated fantasy, fairy-tales and folklore.

Another week has gone by and I’m another week closer to my surgery.

Growing old is hard work…  The mind says, “Yes” but, the body says, “What the hell are you thinking?”

So, Thursday was Groundhog Day and, as most of you know, when the poor little guy popped his head out of his hole he saw his shadow, which means, six more weeks of winter.  More about GGroundhog-day-clip-art-the-clipartsroundhog Day later.

Just found out yesterday, that I might be able to have my surgery earlier than before.  Like much earlier…like a week from Monday.  That would be pretty awesome.  I’ll let you guys know as soon as I know.

Lets Laugh

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And what else goes with ceiling fans?  Why, airplanes of course!

So very, very cool.  It’s a shame at the end though.

This is so very, very important and so horribly insidious, this warning just had to come as soon as I saw it.10

From our dear friends over at Kim Komando’s Breaking News:

Have you ever gotten an annoying, unsolicited phone call from a company or someone you don’t know? Many times they come at the worst possible moment, like when you’re about to sit down for a nice family dinner.

There’s bad news, though, some of these calls are going from aggravating to malicious. It’s true, there are scammers making seemingly harmless phone calls, but you won’t believe how they are using those calls against their victims.

How this phone scam works

The Better Business Bureau (BBB) is receiving complaints from people across the U.S. about the latest phone scam making the rounds.

What’s happening is, people are receiving automated calls from someone claiming to be an employee of a certain business. Some companies they are supposedly representing are cruise lines, home security agencies, or social security firms.

The criminal begins the call with a simple, “Can you hear me?” Warning: Do NOT answer that question on one of these unsolicited calls. It’s a scam!

If you answer that question, or any question for that matter, with a “yes,” the criminal can use it against you. They are actually recording the victims’ responses.

If they record you saying “yes,” they can use it to claim that you agreed to certain charges. They then threaten to sue the victim if they attempt to deny the charges.

These calls usually show up with the local area code on the caller ID. This lets the victims’ guard down, thinking it’s someone local and they might know the person.

What you need to do

Police are urging everyone who receives a call like this to immediately hang up. It’s not rude to hang up on a potential scammer.

This isn’t the first time this type of phone scam has been seen. Last year, a similar version was going around with the criminal asking people questions like, “Do you pay the household bills?” or “Are you the homeowner?”

Taking advice from police is your best course of action here. If you get a call from someone you don’t know asking an easy question where the answer is yes, hang up.

Caution is always the best action, especially in today’s world!

You have been WARNED!! 

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Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbor was on vacation. She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
As she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds.

She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, and although it was very late at  night, she called her vet ,who answered in a very grumpy voice.
After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,

“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw.”

“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
Just worked for me,” he replied.
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Dragon Pics

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I liked this one so much, I had it made into a door knocker for my office door at DL&LL Enterprises.

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Karl sends us this story of his adventures:           I met a beautiful young woman at a night club. We were getting on very well when she told me she had something to show me. She then removed her wig, and I was surprised to see that she was totally bald.           “It’s called alopecia,” she added, “but if you still like me you can ask me anything.”           I have always wanted to know, so I asked her straight. “Does your condition make you bald in other places?” I asked.           She whispered in my ear, “There’s only one way to find out.”           What an idiot I was…forgetting about Google at a time like this! Sorry Karl, sounds like you had a bit of a rough night last night.   2501 

President Trump invited the Pope for lunch on his mega yacht, the Pope accepted and during lunch, a puff of wind blew the Pontiff’s hat off, right into the water.

It floated off about 50 feet, then the wind died down and it just floated in place.

The crew and the secret service were scrambling to launch a boat to go get it, when Trump waved them off, saying “Never mind, boys, I’ll get it.”

The Donald climbed over the side of the yacht, walked on the water to the hat, picked it up, walked back on the water, climbed into the yacht, and handed the Pope his hat.

The crew was speechless. The security team and the Pope’s entourage were speechless.

No one knew what to say, not even the Pope. But that afternoon, NBC, CBS, ABC, MSNBC, CNN all reported:

“TRUMP CAN’T SWIM!”

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Fantasy

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I’m pretty sure it’s not Friday, but I believe this is one of Lethal’s other Day-Sisters.

 

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And everyone of you who read this ezine are in that category as well.

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So, where is the Beer Garden?

 

I don’t care about Disney lying about my prince charming.  I’m more upset about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

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I like pizza as much as the next dragon.  Okay, I like pizza MORE than the next dragon, or the next person, or the next mythological creature, or … well … you get the idea.  But, even I wouldn’t drive this car. 

It does make me hungry, though.

Trying to disprove the saying, “You can’t take it with you,” a stingy old lawyer, diagnosed with a terminal illness, finally figured out how to take at least some of his fortune with him when he died.

He instructed his wife top go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases.  He then told her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.  When he passed away, he planned to reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, his wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that old fool!” she exclaimed.  “I knew I should have put the money in the basement.”

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Actually, I’ve been in the restaurant business for many, many years and I can tell you for a fact that it means both.  Anything that is good for you is going to cost more.  Anything that is fun, is going to cost more.  Anything that is necessary is going to cost more.

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Groundhog Day is a traditional holiday originating in the United States that is celebrated on February 2. According to folklore, if it is cloudy when a groundhog emerges from its burrow on this day, then the spring season will arrive early, some time before the vernal equinox; if it is sunny, the groundhog will supposedly see its shadow and retreat back into its den, and winter weather will persist for six more weeks.

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Modern customs of the holiday involve early morning celebrations to watch the groundhog emerging from its burrow.Greetings From Punxsutawney, Penna.3

In southeastern Pennsylvania, Groundhog Lodes (Grundsow Lodges) celebrate the holiday with fersommlinge, social events in which food is served, speeches are made, and one or more g’spiel (plays or skits) are performed for entertainment. The Pennsylvania German dialect is the only language spoken at the event, and those who speak English pay a penalty, usually in the form of a nickel, dime, or quarter per word spoken, with the money put into a bowl in the center of the table.53905197_n2

Groundhog Day was more widely adopted in the U.S. in 1887. Clymer H. Freas was the editor of the local paper Punxsutawney Spirit at the time, and he began promoting the town’s groundhog as the official “Groundhog Day meteorologist”.DogGroundHog-small

The largest Groundhog Day celebration is held in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania, with Punxsutawney Phil. Groundhog Day, already a widely recognized and popular tradition, received widespread attention as a result of the 1993 film Groundhog Day.

Kick his ass5

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Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired about the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.

So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, “Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area”.

The king was polite and considerate, he replied: “I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional, and I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way.” So they did.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, “Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey’s ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain.” So instead, the King hired the donkey on the spot.

And thus began the ancient-old practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions…

Being a government employee myself, I take offense at that last … wait … never mind. 

Motivate

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Misconception

Miss America

Missing The Point

Mission Accomplished

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God’s Plan for Aging?

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

  Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

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Ain’t that the sad, sad truth.

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Oh my gosh, say it again!  Shout it from the roof tops!  I’m tired of not having as nice a life as the ones who won’t work that I have to pay for!

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That’s all I’m saying about the Superbowl this week, I’m sure that Lethal will have plenty to say about it on Wednesday.

 

Last Word

You’ve heard me talk about playing darts, right?  Well, our league was featured in a tiny website about Miami County…that’s Miami County Indiana, so you guys get to watch the video here.  I’m in the video, but I’m not one of the speakers.  See if you can find me.

Like where’s Waldo, it’s Where’s Impish?

Cheers Impish

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Leprechaun Laughs # 377 for Wednesday February 1st 2017

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Morning Folks!

Come on in don’t mind the bar, I’m just setting up for my private Super Bowl Party for true supporters of the New England Patriots. Pay no attention to the sighs and moans of despair, that’s just Impish. He’s finally settled down from wailing and gnashing his teeth to this now. See he was all set to hop in the ‘Hatin on the Pats’ bandwagon, until I pointed out he was permanently decked out in the primary Patriots team color of blue and if he kept it up I’d be sure to add some Red (blood) and white (bandages) to that for him.

Now he’s upset that he’s not invited to the party because he’s not a true supporter of the Pats. He’s be relegated to attending the women’s Super Bowl party over on party mountain (where they’ll actually be watching the Puppy Bowl) and roped into providing the heat for my secret weapon which should allow us men folk to enjoy the game in peace and quiet sans incessant female interruptions.

You folks get started on the issue, I’ve got to go scare up 500 fondue forks for the secret weapon over on party mountain. I’ll catch up later.

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Whoops! My bad! That’s not right. Err… must have pushed the wrong button.

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That’s better! Guess I need more coffee this morning.

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Football is played by some pretty tough guys, in fact some are even (respectfully) referred to as ‘Monsters of the Grid Iron’.  So it stands to logic those in the Super Bowl must be some of the toughest the game has to offer. Well as tough as they all may be combined, there’s one guy who is tougher than all of them. Chuck Norris.

Here are some Chuck Facts to prove it.

  • When Chuck Norris swims in the ocean, the sharks are in a steel cage.
  • When Chuck Norris does a push up, he’s not pushing himself up-
    he’s pushing the world down.
  • Before the Boogie Man goes to sleep at night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris gives Freddy Kruger nightmares.
  • When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
  • There is no real Theory of Evolution, just a list of animals Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice cubes together.
  • Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him, so he tracked down nothing and killed it.
  • The world did not have a tilt in its axis until Chuck Norris stubbed his toe on the North Pole.
  • Chuck Norris once urinated in the fuel tank of a tractor trailer. That tractor trailer is now known as Optimus Prime.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He just stares at them until they give him the information he wants.
  • Chuck Norris once got bitten by a rattlesnake. After three excruciating days of terrible pain and suffering the snake died.
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That’s why there is no life there.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • Chuck Norris had 21 playing black jack and asked for another card. He won.
  • Chuck Norris can eat Chinese food with one chop stick.
  • Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • The original title to “Alien vs. Predator” was “Alien & Predator vs. Chuck Norris”.
  • Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  • Chuck Norris once took a Lie Detector test. The machine confessed everything.
  • While vacationing in France Chuck Norris went out for a casual bike ride and accidentally won the Tour de France.
  • Chuck Norris actually died 10 years ago. The Grim Reaper is just afraid to tell him.
  • Once Death had a near Chuck Norris experience.
  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • Fear of spiders is called Arachnophobia. Fear of tight spaces is call Claustrophobia. Fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic.

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Yes she does and you’d be smart to get them for her, if you expect to watch the Super Bowl in peace this weekend that is. Personally I recommend several bottles of this wine-

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Speaking of watching the Super Bowl in peace it’s time to reveal my secret plan for you guys to achieve this lofty goal.

Recipe Warning

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Alright guys here it is, the perfect way to keep the women that insist on tagging along to ruin your Super Bowl party quiet through out the entire game. Just get all the materials shown here ahead of time and dedicate a small grill, fireplace or woodstove for S’more’s crafting. Add a pot of fru-fru flavored women’s coffee and be sure to have a bottle each of Bailey’s and Godiva Chocolate Liqueur displayed prominently on the coffee bar.

S’more facts about everyone’s favorite campfire concoction

Campfires and s’mores go together like whiskey and coke. Everyone has their own technique. Some people like to crisp their marshmallows, while others prefer just a hint of melt.

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About your ingredients:

Graham Crackers were originally developed as a healthy food in 1829 by Rev. Sylvester Graham.

Coenraad Johannes van Houten is the evil genius you can thank for discovering the process that allows chocolate to be molded into firm, sweet bars (perfect for placing atop your ‘healthy’ cracker…).

Alex Doumak developed the process giving marshmallows their cylindrical shape in 1948.

S'mores like a pro!

Like a good steak, there is a scale to how well-done you like your marshamallow.

Rare: will have a slight golden hue and take less than a minute.

Medium Rare: has a more solid, deep gold to brown coloring and needs between 2-3 minutes typically.

Medium: a solid, light brown shade with some crisping. You’ll need to cook it for just over three minutes.

Well Done: now you’re getting into earthy browns and you’ll start to taste the fire, 4 minutes.

Blackened: as blasphemous as this is, I guess some people are into it…. Cook between 4-5 minutes.

Aflame: this should be self-explanatory. Please blow out the marshmallow before you shove it in your face hole.

S’mores like a pro!

Like a good steak, there is a scale to how well-done you like your marshmallow.

Rare: will have a slight golden hue and take less than a minute.

Medium Rare: has a more solid, deep gold to brown coloring and needs between 2-3 minutes typically.

Medium: a solid, light brown shade with some crisping. You’ll need to cook it for just over three minutes.

Well Done: now you’re getting into earthy browns and you’ll start to taste the fire, 4 minutes.

Blackened: as blasphemous as this is, I guess some people are into it…. Cook between 4-5 minutes.

Aflame: this should be self-explanatory. Please blow out the marshmallow before you shove it in your face hole.

Come on baby light my fire

There are also two preferred methods for cooking:

Glowing Embers will produce a creamier filling (no jokes) sealed inside a light, flaky crust.

A small dancing flame will sear the exterior quickly, sealing the marshmallow and leaving it with a cool and firm center.

Get your grub on!

Some suggested variety for your favorite campfire treat:

Use peanut butter cups instead of chocolate.
Salted Carmel-Spoon on a little warm caramel sauce and a pinch of sea salt
Flavored graham crackers are a great way to change things up on the fly.
Try dark chocolate instead of your traditional Hershey’s.
Throw in some fresh fruit  (Bananas and Strawberries go very well)
Carmel sauce and toasted coconut make it a Samoa cookie S’more.
Swap the graham crackers for chocolate chip cookies and use Nutella in place of chocolate bar.

Other candy ideas:

Almond Joy
Peppermint Patty
Twix
Nestlé’s Crunch
Rolos
Kit Kat

Cheeseburger Hand Pies

You didn’t think we’d forget the guys did you? Here’s one for them & perfect for the big game. You can make them ahead and them pop them in the oven when your ready.

And just so the guys can follow it and understand (Paul K9 I’m looking right at you!) it’s in a easy to understand video format.

 

I added some crumbled bacon, an entire 3 oz. pouch and used bacon grease instead of oil. I also added some chopped mushrooms with the onion and used grated Swiss instead of Cheddar cheese because we’re a big fans of a local burger joints Bacon Mushroom Swiss Burgers with Truffle Mayo. We might not be doing the Truffle Mayo but they’re still darn good.

You also very easily could take this to the Taco side by adding Taco Seasoning to the meat, omitting the mustard using Taco Sauce or a Thick & Chunky Salsa in place of the ketchup and shredding yourself a little Jalapeno Jack cheese in place of the Cheddar.

 

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Lord knows we’re in serious desperate need of this! We’ve ‘dumbed things down’ just about as far as we can go and it’s hurting us badly.

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The NY Giants win 4 Super Bowls (and tried for a 5th) that was ok. The Pittsburgh Steelers 6 times. Dallas Cowboys and San Francisco Forty-Niners 5 times each, sure no problem with it. But just let the New England Patriots (who have the most appearances in the Super Bowl at 9) try for a 5th time and the haters start in.

The question is, is the hate legit or is it more Trump related collateral damage by sulking tantrum throwing Liberal Loony Tunes? (apologies to Warner Bros.)

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Apparently anyone even remotely associated with President Trump (I still get a thrill saying that) is going to suffer the ire of the Liberals  over their losing to him.

Patriots fans have spent nearly two full seasons being reminded of the close friendship between President Donald Trump and their team’s three top figures — owner Robert Kraft, star quarterback Tom Brady and coach Bill Belichick.

Some fans in the northeastern states that backed Democrat Hillary Clinton in the November presidential election say they’re struggling to reconcile their football loyalties with their distaste for Trump. Many other fans — more than 1 million people voted for Trump in Massachusetts alone, Clinton won by less than 3,000 votes in New Hampshire and Trump picked up one of four electoral votes in Maine — say critics are simply injecting politics where it doesn’t belong.

“It’s pathetic. We have a double standard where if you admit you like Trump, you get blasted by the media,” said Brian Craig, a Lowell, Massachusetts, Republican who voted for Trump. “If Brady endorsed Hillary, no one would care.”

Plenty of people put politics aside completely when they root for their teams. But after an election that magnified the country’s deep differences of opinion, the Super Bowl matchup offers easy symbolic foils for anyone inclined to play politics.

Trump’s friendship with Brady has been fodder for sports talk radio and local news in New England since September 2015, when one of Trump’s trademark red “Make America Great Again” hats was spotted in Brady’s locker and the quarterback said it would be “great” if the GOP hopeful in a crowded primary field won it all.

Trump drew attention to his relationships with the Patriots several times throughout his campaign and leading up to his inauguration, including an election eve rally where he read a glowing letter from Belichick and claimed Brady voted for him, prompting a denial from the quarterback’s supermodel wife, Gisele Bundchen.

Brady, for his part, hasn’t revealed his vote and questioned this week why his long friendship with Trump is “such a big deal” after being asked whether he called the Republican to congratulate him, as Trump claimed in a speech attended by Kraft the night before his inauguration.

“If you know someone, it doesn’t mean that you agree with everything they say or do,” Brady said.

Indeed, few recent marriages of sports and politics have caused this much hand-wringing. There was relatively little furor when basketball megastar LeBron James — fresh off winning a title for the Cleveland Cavaliers — endorsed and stumped for Clinton in his home state of Ohio, which Trump won anyway; or when now-ousted Bills coach Rex Ryan introduced Trump at a campaign rally in Buffalo last year.

As president, Trump drew on his sports connections when he tapped New York Jets owner Woody Johnson as the next U.S. ambassador to Britain. And Peyton Manning, the retired Denver Broncos quarterback who won the Super Bowl last year, joined Trump and other leaders in Philadelphia on Thursday night as Republican lawmakers gathered to map out their congressional agenda.

Conversations on Twitter, Facebook and other social networks show the Patriots have certainly won over some new fans because of the Trump ties.

And many in Patriots Nation are certainly dreaming of sweet revenge if NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has to hand the championship trophy to Brady. Goodell suspended Brady for four games at the start of this season for using underinflated footballs in a playoff game, a case that winded through two federal courts and spurred lots of disdain for Goodell among Patriots fans.

For plenty of others, the Trump association is just another reason to dislike a franchise that’s enjoyed unprecedented success but has also been the part of two high profile cheating scandals (“Spygate” and “Deflategate”) and whose coach cultivates a gruff, stand-offish persona.

“I want the Falcons to win for normal sports fan reasons, but I want the Patriots to lose in embarrassing fashion for political reasons,” said Todd Moye, who grew up in Atlanta and now lives in Fort Worth, Texas.

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Get  over it already you bunch of whiney bitches!

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Self Affirmation- Cat style

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If you’re of an age with me, which most of you are (or older) then you remember going to the library and using the card catalog to locate books containing the information you wanted or wanted to read.

The card catalogs themselves were practically fine furniture, generally made out of oak, carefully crafted to show off the grain pattern, beautifully stained and adorned with brass fittings which the library staff always kept shining bright.

You no longer see them much any more in libraries the card catalog is now digital and kept on computer in a kiosk. Many went to scrap yards, some made it to antique stores or were bought and repurposed for other commercial use. They are in fact very popular in Mom & Pop Hardware stores for the storing of loose parts and such things. Very few have made it to homes, that is until some genius and wine officando came up with this brilliant idea.

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I might have to see if I can find a section of one to start storing my collection of rare Irish whiskeys in.

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NO Impish!All my stuff” does NOT include my secret Brown Gold recipe. I’ve told you I’m taking that to my grave. Either place I end up I might find myself in need of a bargaining chip.

Well that’s it for this week folks, unfortunately I’ve run out of time and have to get to the stuff that pays to keep a roof over my head.

Ireland Whiskey Sig

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Dragon Laffs #1524

Dragon Laffs 28

campers

Well, I went to the doctor on Thursday and we have determined that I need my hip replaced.  First my knee two years ago and now my hip!  I’ve got to find the warranty on this body and find out what the hell is going on.

So, it’s been a long, long week with too many damn doctor appointments and not enough down time.  So, I don’t know about you, but I REALLY need this, so…

lets laugh

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Yes, we are going to start the issue out with one of these…
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The problem – There’s a box with a hole at each end and there’s a rabbit in the box. The rabbit sticks his head out of the hole in one end, and a minute later he sticks it out the other end.
Half a minute later, his head appears at the opposite end, a fourth of a minute later it appears at the end opposite to that one, an eighth of a minute later… etc., etc.
How long will it take before the rabbit sticks its head out of both ends of the box at the same time?
In theory, two minutes. In practice, no answer is possible unless, of course, you split hares.

I know, I’m really sorry.  But, blame Karl, it’s his joke.

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This next one was sent in by Karl, also.  It definitely explains why I haven’t heard from him for a while.

Please hold my e-mails until further notice,I am in the hospital.
 
I was attacked by a woman in an elevator. A witness got her photo.
 
See below . .. . . .

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I was in the elevator when she got in.
 
I was casually staring at her boobs when she said,
 
“Could you press one for me please.
 
So I did… and I don’t remember much afterwards, but I’m guessing it was the wrong one.

Be glad you didn’t press both at once!

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dragon pics

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“HEY! HEY!  Close the damn door!  I’m eating in here!”

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I hate to do this again…and again, it’s all Karl’s fault…

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After a heavy day’s digging at the archeological site in Norway, researchers uncovered a priceless statue of the ancient Norse thunder god. He had bulging muscles, an imposing stance, and his famous giant hammer. But most important of all, the eyes in his fierce-looking face were made of two giant rubies that glittered with a brilliant red color.
Of course, the two leading archeologists on the dig were both determined that they should be the one to have their name listed on the discovery.  Pretty soon, a big argument was underway. The two provided the others with a great source of amusement for the evening. By the time they finally gave up, calling a truce, everyone else was feeling quite refreshed by the entertainment.
As the crowd dispersed, one junior digger turned to his friend, and remarked, “Well, *THAT* was a fight for Thor’s eyes”.   I know.  I’m so sorry.     I know it’s late in the season, but I finally got my flu shot the other day.     11

 

You gotta have a sense of humor about everything…. well, not everything, but how about THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ISIS

That was SO tasteless….but I’ll bet you laughed at some part of it.

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fantasy

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This is just one of many upgrades that we give to our security team members.

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Aww….that’s so sweet!

A woman walks into an accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.
“He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.
And then asks, “What’s your occupation?”
“I’m a Lady of the night,” she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, ” let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”. “No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is.”

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Critter

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I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

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I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

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motivate

Mexican Wolves

Mexicans

microstring bikini

Military Intelligence

Military Vision

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Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!

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On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese.

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Two old friends are having coffee when the first woman says, “I hear that you’ve been telling people that I’m ugly!”

“Oh NO! I’ve just been saying that your new hairdo makes you look less attractive.”

“I also heard that you’ve been calling me fat?!?”

“Oh NO! I just said that the way you wear those stripes makes you look larger than you really are.”

“I’ve also heard that you’re saying that my husband has a wart on his dick!”

“Oh NO! I only said that it feels like he has a wart on his dick!” 

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Well, I’m out of time, so that’s it for this week folks.  Until we meet again.

Cheers

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