Dragon Laffs #1661

header42

Good Morning Campers,

Yes!  You are actually really getting two issues this week!  Holy crap!  It’s happening!  Hell has frozen over, the world is coming to an end, and Martha Stewart is going to jail!  Oh shit, never mind.  That last one actually happened.

Okay, so let’s get to the laughing part and we’ll get to the update part throughout…hopefully.

Let's Laugh1

5473

I wish more people were fluent in Silence.

5474

Did a cartwheel the other day, thinking it’s like riding a bike.

 

It’s not.

5475

Okay, that was horrible.

“How can you sleep at night knowing people don’t like you?”

With no underwear in case they want to kiss my ass.

5476

Every morning I long to hold you.

I need you.

I want you.

I have to have you.

Your warmth,

Your smell,

Your taste….

Oh Coffee, I love you!!!

5477

40a

7

I’ve been hiding from exercise.

 

I’m in the fitness protection program.

 

5478

Okay, so how about we do some of these next:
Poke Politician

6

6a

6b

6c

6d

 

5479

I’m lonely because I got into an argument with the voices in my head today, and now we aren’t talking to each other any more.

5480

I hear someone screaming!

That’s the last time I buy duct tape at the dollar store!

5481

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway.

Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

5482

Do you ever feel like your body’s “check engine” light has been on and you’re still driving it like, “Nah, it’ll be fine”?

5483

The turtle can breath through its ass.
Humans have not yet reached this stage of evolution, although many have learned to talk through it.

5484

Okay, and now, let’s do some of these…

motivate

Shaq

sharia (2)

She Starts

Shhhhh

shit

shit2

Shitting Bricks

Shocking

shoot for the moon

Shoryuken

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70 mph.

5485

A woman goes into a shop and asks for a maternity bra.

The assistant asks, “What bust?”

She says, “The fucking condom!”

5486

7a

So, seriously…..WTF????!!!
7b

My doctor told me to start killing people.

 

Well, not in those exact words.  He said I had to reduce the stress in my life.  Same thing.

5487

My Four Moods:

1. I need coffee

2. I need a nap

3. I need a vacation

4. I need duct tape, rope, and a shovel

5488

Cable repairman was on my street and asked me what time it was.  I told him it is between 8 am and 1 pm.

5489

My head hurts.  I think my horns are coming in.

5490

When I was young, I was scared of the dark.  Now, when I see my electric bill, I am scared of the lights.

5491

We haven’t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in quite a while…

I hope he’s okay.

5492

The best things about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.

5493

critter

a9

a10

a11

a12

a13

a14

5494

7c

Okay, so that last one was an old one, but Mrs. Dragon laughed so hard, I just had to include it in today’s issue.

5495

7e

5496

And that my friends completes another issue of your favorite ezine.

Until next week.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Dragon Laffs #1660–Independence Day

independence

Hi ya Campers!

Happy Independence Day!  Happy 4th of July!  Happy Birthday America!

4th of July 2

4th of July 3

4th of july

So, it’s Independence Day, and I hope that all of you are having a wonderful holiday!  Please take the time to enjoy yourselves and your families.  For those of you who are working today, Policemen, Firemen, Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, Marines, Doctors, Nurses, Retailers, (okay, this is getting out of hand), thank you for giving up your holiday for the rest of us. 

24vplpx

6m

jet plane flag

7

download

5461

eagle4

5462

GodBlessAmerica

5463

Happy 4th of July

5464

red white and blue ribbon

Did you guys see this crazy shit?
7a

Five feet of hail in Guadalajara, Mexico!!!!! FIVE FEET OF HAIL!!!  HAIL!  FIVE FEET!  Global warming, my ass!!!!

red, white and blue banner

5465

5466

rockets

5467

sparklers

5468

stands

5469

wall_big5

5470

wall_big7

5471

wall_big8

5472

wall_big12

And that my friends is that.

Have a wonderful 4th.  Be safe. 

Two words….Designated Driver.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1659

Header9

It’s been an interesting week, dear campers,

Nothing unusual has happened.

No one got hurt.

Nothing broke down.

I’m waiting with baited breath for the other shoe to drop….but then again, it is only Tuesday.  So there is still some time left.  Let’s get some laughs in before the shit hits the fan.

sign laff

5430

I have the same body I’ve always had.  Adjusted for inflation, of course.

5431

I know a guy who thinks he has the body of a Greek god.  I don’t have the heart to tell him that Buddha wasn’t Greek.

5433

5432

5434

I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.

5435

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

5436

Male SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE..

 

It takes less than 15 seconds..
If you are male and over 55 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test
How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S

.
.
.
Answers:
1. RANDOM

2. FORK


3. PANTS


4. PULSE


5. SIX


6. BOOKS


You got all 6 wrong…didn’t you?

The good news is:
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.
You are a pervert.

5437

 

I mean what I say…

I don’t always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.

5438

My brain cells, skin cells, and hair cells continue to die.  But, my stubborn fat cells seem to have eternal life.

5439

I told my psychiatrist that I’ve been hearing voices.

He told me that I don’t have a psychiatrist.

5440

It’s been a bit of a strange day…first, I found a hat full of money…then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.

5441

I’m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.

5442

If you are lonely, dim all the lights and put on a horror move.  After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

5443

BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife !”

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”

John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”

“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been in there twice in the last four years. “Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep”.

5444

So, how do I tell my boss I don’t want to work anymore, but I still want the money.

5445

The worst part about parallel parking is the witnesses.

5446

OMG!  This is so true!!!!

coollogo_com-140101225

6f

6g

6h

6i

6j

6k

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

5447

6l

People who say, “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home.  Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

5448

7

5449

Having had several sleep studies over the years, I can say that’s very true….and not at all funny!!!!!!

If you eat cake fast enough, your fitbit will think you’re walking.

5450

Not me. I get it.  I’m an old fuck.

I can’t wait until we’re all in nursing homes.  It’ll be fun to write bathroom graffiti about the staff they can’t understand…

Because it’s in cursive.

5451

A baby can drink a bottle and fall asleep, and people say it’s cute.  But, as soon as I do it, I’m an alcoholic.

5452

I went to visit a psychic.

I knocked on her front door and she yelled, “Who is it?”

So I left.

5453

Why don’t I have any tattoos?

For the same reason you don’t put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari.

5454

 

I might wake up early and go running.

I also might wake up and win the lottery.

The odds are about the same.

5455

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.

5456

 

I accidently went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 4.

5457

Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the ‘Missus.’ Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”

Margaret at age 83, looked him over and replied, “Nope.”

Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”

Furious, Bert yells out, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”

Nope. Not a clue”, she replied.

“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!

Margaret replies, “You shoulda bought a new hat!!

5458

Starbucks is planning on selling beer and wine.

Apparently it’s getting difficult to sell sober people a $12 cup of coffee.

5459

I accidently wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

5460

Well, I made it all the way to Friday.  It was a tough week, but nothing really untoward happened.

Now, I’m really scared!

Oh well, until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

Dragon Laffs #1658

Header1548

Good Morning Campers,

So, I’m getting really tired of this shit!

This part of Dragon Laffs has been nothing but bitching for months!  And here I go again!  Saturday, some lovely friends came over and helped us with some stuff in the back yard.  The biggest part was to get my neighbor’s roof out of the back yard, but since they bought their kids with them, some of the teenagers decided to pull vines and weeds from behind the pool.  I wish I had taken a before and after picture so you could see the incredible job they did!

But, in the process of that, I came in contact with a plant that didn’t agree with me.  I don’t think it was poison ivy, although that’s what the doctor thinks, because out of 12 kids and 6 adults I’m the ONLY one who had a reaction.

So, it was bad enough that I didn’t get any sleep Sunday night for the itching.  I stayed home from work Monday and then before bed drank myself into an alcoholic daze so I could sleep.  Only ended up with about an hour or so worth.  Tuesday I went to work because I had appointments I couldn’t miss and by Tuesday evening it was bad enough that I went to the doctor at immediate care.

This is what it looked like on Tuesday when I went to the doctor:
6b

She gave me a shot, steroid pills, and a special lotion.  Oh, and on the way to the doctor….a truck threw a stone and cracked my windshield!

Tuesday night, more alcohol, still less than an hour’s sleep.  We are now up to the point where I am on about two hours sleep since Saturday night and I am little more than the Walking Dead.

Wednesday, the infection is worse and I go home from work early.  Oh, and so you don’t get the wrong idea, It’s not just my right arm.  It’s both arms, left leg, and neck.  But, by God, I’m going to get some sleep and so even more alcohol ensues.  This is what I’ve drank since this crap started.

6d

Just to be fair, the Smirnoff and the two Captain Morgan bottles on the right in the back weren’t full, but they were more than half full.  I estimated that I drank about 25 to 30 ounces of alcohol each night for the last 4 nights.  That’s like 25 to 30 shots.  Weird thing is, no morning after effects.  No hangover, no headache.  Hey!  There’s that silver lining!

Today is Thursday and I woke up to find that it has now moved to my body and gotten worse again.  This is what the arm looks like now:

6cI’m about out of alcohol in the house now, but I will finish what’s left tonight.  It’s the itching….it’s driving me batty! 

So….that’s been my week, how’s yours been?  But, I know for a fact, we need to do some laughing. 

Let’s start off with one from my Dad…Papa Dragon Most Senior.
6e

Way to go, Dad!

When someone says, “stop living in the past” I say, “but the music was so much better back then.”

5408

I did too.  Like I said, better music.

My wife is amazing.  For my birthday she purchased a $250,000 life insurance policy and a trip to the Dominican Republic for me.

5409

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend…

I Stood Up Too Fast, Again!

5410

My local cinema got robbed of $1,000 yesterday.  The thieves got away with two jumbo popcorns, two large Cokes, and a packet of Skittles.

5411

For every cigarette you smoke, God takes an hour from your life and gives it to Keith Richards.

5412

“And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth.”

Then he made the earth round.  He laughed and laughed and laughed!

5413

My mind is like my internet browser…
19 tabs open, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

5414

Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

5415

That is so perfect.  Why didn’t I think of that?

My dad always said, “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well, I did it!  Available balance: $9.11…

5416

Warning:
My mouth is a bit like a magician’s hat…You just never know what’s gonna come out of it.

5417

Superman: Single

Batman: Single

Spiderman: Single

I get it now…

I’m single because I’m a superhero.

5418

My energy level is equal to that of a Sloth on Xanax.

5419

5a

5420

The more I do laundry, the more I am convinced that towels are lint held together by thread.

5421

I tried cooking dinner with wine tonight.  It didn’t go so well.  After 5 glasses I forgot why I was even in the kitchen.

5422

You know you’re a bad driver when Siri says, “In 400 feet, stop and let me out.”

5423

Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.

5425

5424

5426

6g

5427

A cop with a drug sniffing dog said to me, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

I said, “You think I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs.”

5428

 

SNAUGHFLATULING:

Laughing so hard that you snort and then you fart, then laugh again because you farted when you snorted because you laughed.

5429

Okay, so let’s wrap up today’s issue with some of these…

sex ed class

Sex Education

sex with mermaids

Sex

Sex2

Sexual Prowess

sexual_tension

sexy

SF Sniper

Young Thug Dragon (2)

 

And that, my dear friends, is that.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1657

Header 1602

Good Morning Campers,

So obviously, I didn’t get to publish after last week’s announcement.  And it’s late on Friday right now, so I’m not sure how in-depth today’s issue will be, but I suppose we’ll find out.

Thank you, thank you, thank you to everyone who passed on their love and condolences to Diaman.  I know she appreciates it and feels your love.

So, it’s been a week…and not a good one.  I won’t go into great detail, but it’s been a tough mental week for me.  So, I need to laugh as much as the rest of you, if not more so.

So, let’s get to it, shall we?

Untitled-03

5377

I’m going to the gym now.

Not bragging.

Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.

5378

Apparently, when you donate blood, it has to be your blood.

5379

Whenever I am out with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

5380

This morning I used Redbull instead of water to make my coffee.

After 15 minutes driving on a highway I realized I left my car at home.

5381

Oh my God!  I need those!  It’s got an actual National Stock Number which means I should be able to get it out of supply!

My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments.  If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.

5382

My cousin posted, “Am expecting twins” so I commented, Finally 2 kids from the same man.  Then she blocked me.

5383

I used to think I was indecisive, now I’m not so sure.

5384

This is so true…
6b

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. 6c
So she went to check it out.
She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
“Pardon me, sir, I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. What’s your name?
“Morris Feinberg,” he replied.
“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?”
“For about 60 years.”
“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”
“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.”
“I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.”
“I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.”
“I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.”
“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”
“Like I’m talking to a fucking wall.”

5385

A blonde woman visits her husband in prison.  Before leaving, she tells a correction officer, “You shouldn’t make my husband work like that!  He’s exhausted!”

The officer laughs and says, “Are you kidding?  He just eats and sleeps and stays in cell.”

“Bullshit!” the wife replies.  “He just told me he’s been digging a tunnel for months!”

5386

An attractive woman turned to the man in the business suit behind her in the elevator. “Excuse me,” she asked, “but aren’t you Little Johnny?”
The man cleared his throat, “Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.”
“Oh,” she gushed, “I’ve always wanted to meet you, Little Johnny. And now that we’re together,” she continued throatily, “I’ll tell you what I’d like to do. I’m inviting you back to my room, where I’ll kneel in front of you and pull out your cock and suck it till you have a giant hard-on and suck it some more until you come all over my face…”
“I don’t know,” said Little Johnny, thinking it over. “What’s in it for me?

5387

Bigamy, they say, is a vice,
And more than one spouse is not nice.
But one is a bore,
I’d prefer three or four,
And the plural of spouse is spice?

5391

5388

5392

5389

5393

5390

5394

Q. What did the fresh egg say to the boiling water?
A. “How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago.”

5395

“Doctor, I think my breasts are filled with water,” said Sue to her doctor one day. “Why is that?” he asked. “Because,” she said, “any time a guy presses them my pussy gets wet.”

5396

What do you call a woman who wants sex as much as you do?

A dream.

5397

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks at him.
The bartender says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?”
The guy says, “I’m from Iowa.”
The bartender asks, “What the heck you do in Iowa?”
The guy responds, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender asks, “A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”
The guy says nervously, “I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

5398

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It’s got to be hot. You’ve got to take your time. You’ve got to stir… gently, and firmly. You’ve got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

5399

Laying a carpet is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you’re adventurous – like me – you might like to try an underlay.

5400

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

5401

Putting up a tent, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an’…slip in to the old bag.

5402

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You’ve got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you’ve got a nice wet sponge.

5403

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string ’em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

5404

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight – particularly if it’s a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

5405

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you’ve got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there’s plenty of shot in your bag.

5406

One very hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, ‘Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?’

The blonde said it was hers.

‘Your dog seems to be in heat,’ the officer said.

The blonde replied, ‘No way. She’s cool ’cause she’s tied up under that shade tree.’

The policeman said, ‘No! You don’t understand. Your dog needs to be bred.’

‘No way,’ said the blonde. ‘My dog doesn’t need bread She isn’t hungry ’cause I fed her this mornin.’

The exasperated policeman said, ‘NO! You don’t understand. Your dog wants to have sex!’

The blonde looked at the cop and said, ‘Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.’

5407

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy-woman.”

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man’s wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”

He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”

The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we’ve been getting by email lately.”

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.

“You’re finished already?” the startled husband asked.

“Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.”

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way,” the teenager added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”

seems legit

Seems Legit32 (2)

Self potrait

Self Support

Selfdestruct sequence

Semper Fi

Serenity

Seriously

Seriously2

Sesame Street

And that’s it my friends.  Until next week.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments