Dragon Laffs #1671

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Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree How lovely are your …. why is the Christmas tree on Fire?

So, yeah, it’s been one of those weeks.  Maybe the tree hasn’t caught on fire, but the way dragonsleighthe week been going, it’s only a matter of time.

Lost another friend last week.  The crappiest part about growing old is that you start to out live your friends and, so it seems, your family.

The song say that this is the Most Wonderful Time of
The Year… so, I’m going to have to do something to start proving that.  I guess the first thing I can do is to start putting some laughter in the air, so let’s get started with that, shall we?

12 days of Christmas

 

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you…don’t bother coming after me.” Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone… “She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time. I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy french nightie. I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.”

He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…
The note read, “I can see your feet under the bed. We’re outta beer. Be back in five minutes.”

Would it surprise anyone to know that when he got back she was waiting with a gun?

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Anyone who’s been married long enough saw that one coming from a mile away.

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding…Is it appropriate to open my speech with “Welcome back everyone.”

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she had been with.

She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens…

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What’s the meanest thing you can do to a person?

Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet!

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My kids laugh because they think I’m crazy.

I laugh because they don’t know it’s hereditary.

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I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.  But, she figured out I was only after my money.

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Common Sense is like deodorant.  The people who need it most never use it.

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Can I borrow $100 but only give me $50 of it?

That way you still owe me $50 and I owe you $50…that would make us even.

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Sorry folks, ran out of time.  That’s it for today.  Working again this weekend.

Love you all,

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1670

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Good Morning Campers,

Thanksgiving is over, Christmas is coming.

I love this time of year.

I hate this time of year.

I know a lot of you feel the same way.

Let’s laugh!

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LIFE
Is too short for fake butter, cheese, or people.

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If your phone battery lasts you all day, it’s because no one likes you.

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OJ Simpson was asked if he might ever get married again.  He said: I might take another stab at it.

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If cursing like a motherfucker burned calories, I’d weigh like eight fucking pounds.

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Yup, I cook all the time.  I can answer that.  2 cups.

I was going to post about my afternoon run but I was autocorrected to afternoon rum so, change of plans.

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Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns. 
I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar use to make?
Now I’m blocked.

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When I grow up, I’d like to be a retired Lottery Winner.

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I’m old enough to remember when paper bags were blamed for the destruction of millions of trees, plastic bags were the solution!

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Women’s magazine:

Page 9: How to lose weight fast.

Page 10: You’re beautiful the way you are.

Page 11: Cake recipe.

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Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

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I just saw three people jogging outside and it inspired me to get up and close the blinds.

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Actually, growing up in my house I think it was the other way around.

I’m so glad I learned about parallelograms in High School Math instead of how to do my Income Taxes.  It comes in so handy during Parallelogram Season.

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Saul Epstein was taking an oral exam in his English as a Second Language class. He was asked to spell “cultivate,” and he spelled it correctly. He was then asked to use the word in a sentence, and, with a big smile, responded: “Last vinter on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for a bus, but it vas too cultivate, so I took the subvay home.”

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People seem to be far more concerned with the song ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ than they are about people who are actually outside in the cold.

 

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Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”

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Okay, first of all, let’s do these…

Motivate

Amityville Pet Shelter

Amnesia

Amphibious Attack Tigers

An Absolute Angel

Ancient

Ancient_History

And then

and yet

Android

Angry Birds

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And now let’s do some of these, because…I was going to do a huge Christmas issue and I still probably will, but I realized that I have so much Christmas stuff that if I don’t start using some of it now, I won’t get through it, so without further ado…..here begins

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May that be as true in your home as it will be in my warm and humble cavern.

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Okay ladies, form a single line and don’t push, you can all get a chance to kiss the dragon under the mistletoe.

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And that my dear friends, is that.  At least for this week.  It’s late, I have 3 classes 67374963_1291353445_08to teach this weekend, one meeting to conduct, and an inspection to give.  So, while you are reading this and laughing, give a tiny hug in your heart for the poor dragon who is draggin’ his ass.

Love you all.

Until next week.  Be good little girls and boys and Santa Dragon will be sure to leave you something special in your stocking.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1679

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Good Morning Campers,

Happy Thanksgiving!  I know this is a busy week for all of you, but I just wanted to take a few minutes out to tell you how thankful I am for all of you and for all that you do for me.  You know, it’s not just me providing you laffs and funnies to get you all through the week.  It is you providing me a release and a way to keep that itch, in a very minor way, scratched, until I can spend some real time writing again.Turkey[3]

Maybe I’ll get back to it in retirement, maybe I won’t.  At this point in time, I’m not really sure.  Things over the last couple of years haven’t really gone anywhere near like I thought they would.  But, it is what it is.

Anyway, thank you for following me as long as you have, some of you for many, many years.  And here’s to many, many more to come.

Now, let’s throw some Thanksgiving laffs your way!!!!

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A Piece of Me1

A Turkey's Black Friday2 (2)

Bad Feeling7 (2)

Bein' Thankful8 (2)

Big IF10 (2)

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Happy Thanksgiving

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Horror Story19 (2)

I Have the Honor21 (2)

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Midwife24 (2)

More Stuffing25 (2)

Not Christmas yet

Now, They'll Never Leave27 (2)

Once We Start29

Plastic Surgeon28 (2)

Seems Legit31

Stuffed32

Thanksgiving Peom35

Thanksgiving

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Thanksgiving-Dragon-bunt

If you were wondering about my culinary skills…I’ve been asked to bring paper towels and napkins to our family gatherings.

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Turkey and Green Beans41

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What to do with Your Stuffing42

Who Left Them43

Your Scales44


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And that my dear friends, is the Thanksgiving issue.  I hope you all have a wonderful day and a wonderful weekend.  I will see you all next week.

My love to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1678

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Good Morning Campers,

Well, I’m back home.  It was a long week, even though I wasn’t gone a whole week, it seemed like it was much longer.  Hopefully it will be a bit slower week for me this week.  I’m actually starting this issue on Sunday, while watching the 0c

 Great first half with the Colts ahead 10 to 7. 

Anyway, let’s get to some laughs, shall we?

This one is from Steve, but I agree with him 100%!!!!!!!

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Although, truth in honesty, when I came home from Alpena yesterday, Izzy dragon had Dancing Treedrug the Christmas tree down from the upstairs storage area, and set it up.  It’s a new tree for us, given to us by a relative because they wanted a smaller tree.  Izzy is always VERY excited about Christmas.  This tree is so damn big she couldn’t put some of the branches on the back side because they wouldn’t fit.  And unlike our old tree, it’s not “pre-lit”, which means it doesn’t already have lights on it.  So, right now, we have a bare green tree in our living room.  We don’t have lights because we haven’t needed lights.  The tree has always been her and Mrs. Dragon’s deal, so my only comment was, “Sure is a big son-of-a-bitch.”

I’m watching the game and they…the females of the house…are plotting the visit to the store and exactly what they are going to need to decorate that “big S.O.B.”  I love my life.

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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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More importantly, that’s why we NEED alcohol.

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!” Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.” Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally’s mom asked, “Really small, was it?” Sally replied, “No, salty.” Mom fainted.

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Just an update…6 minutes left in the 3rd quarter.

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There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.” As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her. This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up. The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, “If I catch you, you’re mine!” The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

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And if Mrs. Dragon is on the jury, you’ll never be convicted.

A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules. “I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”

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The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, “John, why are you late?” He replied, “I was on Cherry Hill.” Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, “Why are you late?” Nathan answered, “I was on top of Cherry Hill.” Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, “Kevin, where have you been?” Kevin replied, “I was on Cherry Hill.” Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, “Hi there, what’s your name?” The girl replied, “Cherry Hill.”

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!” The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal.” The trucker replies, “Listen darlin’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick.”

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I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I’m not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

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Yeah, it’s all fun and games until it’s the woman who snores….

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And if you don’t think that shit chaps this dragon’s ass…

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Yup!  This one too!  Especially since I worked for this one and it’s MY FUCKING MONEY!!!!!

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Okay, now I’m just pissed off.  I gotta find something to laugh about.

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And at the end of the 3rd Quarter.

During a discussion at Sunday school, a nun asks the children what they think God takes you by when you die. A kid responds, “I think God takes you by your feet, because once I walked into my parents room and my mom’s feet were in the air and she was screaming, “Oh God, I’m coming!!!”

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I don’t know about the rest of you, but I think the rule changes in the NFL this year are complete bullshit.  I haven’t seen any really bad calls in this game, but there were some missed interference calls, but man, last week, the bullshit calls about roughing the passer and crap, oh my gawd!  It’s like it’s a penalty if you give the quarterback a stern look!  I mean, come on!  This is a contact sport, after all. 

Anyway, 2 minutes left in the game, and Jacksonville is getting annihilated by my Colts.  Let’s do a couple more laughs, because we know that the last two minutes in a football game usually takes about 15 minutes.

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Must be a Democratic dryer

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Okay, I’ve never seen that before.  Jacksonville goes for the two-point conversion after the touchdown.  It’s a pass.  Colts intercept and run it all the way back the other way.  Colts don’t get a touchdown, they get the two points.  And then Jacksonville has to kick off to the Colts.  I guess it makes sense when you think about it, but I’ve just never seen it before.

Pretty cool really.

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Well, now it’s Tuesday night and I’m supposed to be playing darts, my normal Tuesday night fare, but my team has a bye this week, so I get to continue working on the ezine.

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I’m still needing submissions….I’ve been getting some from quite a few of you.  Thank you to all of you who have been contributing….I deeply appreciate it…..but don’t stop now.  LOL!

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How to Win The War on Drugs

1. Legalize drugs

2. Require all drugs be purchased through Comcast customer service

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Alzheimer

Alzheimer's

Amazing Ass

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Ambition

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And that, my dear campers, is that.

Until next week, have a wonderful week.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

Dragon Laffs #1677

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Good Morning Campers,

Spent the week in Alpena, Michigan.  I know I sent you guys a couple of pictures from the trip up there, but then when I got up here, there was like no signal, so I will post this when I return.  I do have a little time at night to work on it, so hopefully it will end up being a fairly decent issue, so in that vein….

Let’s Laugh

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Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

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When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his penis and throws it at the female so she can inseminate herself.  Then the male grows a new penis.  If that isn’t the most epic way to tell someone “Go Fuck Yourself” I don’t know what is.

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A belly button is basically a scar from when you got into a knife fight with a guy in a mask after being evicted from your first place.

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When a woman laughs during an argument, please know that the psycho part of her brain has just been activated.

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Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I’d rather not…I kinda want this job.

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Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

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This one is from TJ:

I had just finished having lunch at a nice restaurant and noticed a long line of people waiting to be seated. I decided to have some fun. I picked up the plastic ketchup bottle and squeezed a thin line of ketchup across my neck and let it run a little to look like blood. Then I walked by the line of waiting customers who saw what looked like blood leaking from my throat. I looked at them and said; “DO NOT ORDER THE SWORDFISH!” 

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When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the creek and an eel bites your cheek, that’s a moray.

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If a cow doesn’t produce any milk does that make it a milk, dud? or an udder failure?

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I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes, “Man, you’re such a Cheetah!” and they’d laugh and laugh and eat a zebra or something.

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I told myself I should stop drinking…but I’m not about to listen to a drunk that talks to himself.

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I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.  I’ll let you know.

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A HORSE, a CHICKEN and a HARLEY

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
  One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and
began to sink.
  Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get
the farmer for help!
  Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he
searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone
to town with the only tractor.
  Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.
  Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with
  a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
  Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the
chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of
the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
  After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike,
the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the
powerful bike,  rescued the horse!
  Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the
  farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
  The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
  A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and
  soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
  The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the  large puddle.
  Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing
and he would then lift him out of the pit.
  The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out,
saving his life.
  The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)?

“When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks”

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I have a CONDITION that prevents me from dieting.  It’s called “BEING FREAKIN’ HUNGRY!”

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Condoms d0n’t guarantee safe sex anymore… a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Be careful.

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A bather whose clothing was strewed
By winds that left her quite nude.
Saw a man come along
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd!
 

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Mary had a little sheep,
And with this sheep, Se went to sleep.
The sheep turned out
To be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb!

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A sexy young maiden named Jill
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Brazil.

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A major electronics company, Siemens, is introducing a tiny necklace cell phone for women. Have you seen this thing? It’s on a chain — you wear it around your neck — it hangs down right here to a woman’s cleavage. The only problem women have with it; when it rings, every guy in the room yells, ‘I’ll get it.’

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Have you seen a recent commercial for Viagra? The guy comes home, he’s rushing around, he’s cleaning the house, he’s cooking dinner, he’s setting the table, he’s putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home. Don’t you think that most women watching that commercial say, “The hell with the sex. Where can I get a pill to make my husband to do all of that?”

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An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, “Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We’ve had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there’s something I’ve always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful to me?”
She hesitates a moment, then says, “Yes, three times, Sidney.”
“Three times? How could that happen?” Sidney asks.
The wife begins recalling slowly, “Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke, and the bank was going to foreclose on our little house?”
“Yes, dear, that was really a terrible time” replies the man.
Marsha continued, “And remember when I went to see the banker one night and the next day the bank extended our loan?”
“That’s hard to take” the man says, “but I guess it really was for us, so I can forgive you. What was the second time?”
“Well,” she continued, “do you remember years later when you almost died from the heart problem because we couldn’t afford the operation?”
“Yes, of course” the man replies.
“Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he did your operation at no cost?” she explained.
“That’s true” Sidney nodded. “That shocks me, Marsha, but I do understand that you did it out of love for me, and I forgive you. So, what was the third time?”
Marsha lowers her head and says, “Sidney, do you remember when you ran for Country Club President and you needed 62 more votes…?”
 

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Five Ways To Avoid Shark Attacks

1.  Don’t swim in the ocean.  Ninety-nine percent of all shark attacks take place in exceptionally large bodies of water, also known as oceans.  The way to determine if you are currently in an ocean is to taste the water, which should be salty.  If it is salty, you’re in an ocean.
2.  Listen for the music.  In the event that you are foolish enough to swim in an ocean, listen carefully for the music,
as demonstrated in the marvelous documentary film, Jaws.  All shark attacks are preceded by the ‘daah-da, daah-da’ sinister melody, which will gradually become more rapid as the shark gets closer. 
3.  Swim with fat people.  Try to surround yourself with more appetizing companions. 
If you know them well, you might even try to switch the suntan lotion with A-1 Steak Sauce.  This will definitely improve your odds.
4.  Don’t go into the water without a knife. 
This is not to defend yourself, but to stab the person (aka ‘the decoy’) closest to you — in case of a shark attack.  Once you are sure the ‘decoy’ is bleeding profusely, swim for your life.
And finally…
5.  Don’t panic.
In the event that a shark actually bites you, try to remain calm. 
This really wont help you survive, but everyone else on the beach will appreciate your not shrieking madly, as this is quite unsettling and can really spoil a wonderful day out. Remember, it’s not always about you!

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Lots and lots of new contributors.  Thank you all very much.

This one from Jonathon….

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Kinda the way I feel in Alpena right now:

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We just walked back from dinner.  Damn good thing that vodka stuff is warming.

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I always wanted to lay naked on a bearskin rug in front of a fireplace….

Evidently, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and just feel glad that you are alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again…

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The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

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Alcohol2

Alcohol3

alcoholism

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Lots of Alcohol while TDY….the killer vodka…. my dear friend.

AlexTrebeck

All going to be ok

All we are saying is

allflesh

Allies or Enemies

Allstate

Alone

Alright you panzies

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And I’m afraid that has to be it for this week.  Out of time.  I had a great time putting this together for you, I hope you had as great a time reading it.

Love to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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