Dragon Laffs

Unbelievable….

It’s Friday morning.  I’ve taken the day off work so that I can take Mrs. Dragon to the doctor to have some annual tests run.  Last week at work was a week from Hell and next week will be the same, but this week I’ve just been preparing for a huge CBRN Rodeo (no, not a real rodeo, no horses involved, just training lots of people) next weekend.  I’ve been working on the issue all week.  HUGE issue.  I just went to upload it to the website and it disappeared…

All gone…

POOF!

Electrons dispersed into the ether.

I’m gob smacked.

I think I finally understand what that word really means.

Sitting here in front of laptop, hit upload, it said something about a fatal error and *blink* all gone.

Now, I just tried it with what little bit I have here and it works fine.  I know I’m using “old technology” that’s “no longer supported” ( I use Windows Live Writer) to write these blogs because I FRIGGIN LIKE IT, but come on!  Just a little bit of a break here!

Okay, here we go.  I’ll never recreate the post that I had, but start from scratch and create a new post in less than … well …. subtract the hours that I’ll be gone taking Mrs. Dragon to the doctor… carry the one … NOT MUCH DAMN TIME!!!!!

So…………….

Because it’s either that or cry!

 

 

 

 

 

Mrs. Dragon found this picture of the Bald Eagle sitting atop the flag pole somewhere…I’m not really sure where she finds some of the really cool stuff she finds, but I asked her to share it with me so I could share it with you guys and there it is.  I thought it was pretty awesome!

 

 

 

Okay, so that was really BAD!!!!!

Adulthood is like looking both ways before crossing the street and getting hit by an airplane.

Ma and Pa Kettle were sitting on the front porch rocking away listening to Reverend Ike on the radio.

The Reverend said, “Place your left hand on the part of your body you want healed, raise your right hand in the air and say, ‘I Believe, I Believe!’ and you shall be healed.”
Well, Ma placed her left hand inside her blouse over her tired, old heart and lungs, and raised her right hand in the air and shouted, “I Believe, I Believe!”
Meanwhile, Pa just looked at her like she was some kind of lunatic. Then, Ma started breathing nice and easy, without her old wheeze, and she started rocking twice as fast as before. A wonderful color came back into her cheeks.
Pa shrugged his shoulders, and figured what the heck. So, he shoved his left hand down the front of his pants. Then, he started to raise his right hand in the air.

Ma then said, “Pa, the Reverend said, ‘Heal,’ not raise the dead.’”

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up driven by a very beautiful women, who asked, “Are you okay?”

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with cleavage to die for…

“I’m okay I think,” I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That’s nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse,” she insisted. “I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive.  Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, “I’m sure my wife won’t like this.”

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, “I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. “Stay for a while. She won’t know anything.  By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess.”

My mind is like my internet browser…
19 tabs open
3 of them are frozen
and I have no idea where the music is coming from

Be Decisive.
Right or Wrong, make a decision.
The road of life is paved with Flat Squirrels who couldn’t make a decision.

If you didn’t get that one you’re too young.

Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons, and electrons.  They forget to mention morons.

Ever been so drunk you got hit by a parked car?

I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas.
He washed my mouth out with soap.

I dusted once.
It came back.
I’m not falling for that again.

I’m not sure how many chocolates equals happiness…but so far it’s not 27.

When I’m bored, I call a random number, say this and hang up…

It’s done.  I hid the body…headed your way.  Got you on GPS.  You better have my money.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen.  All I said was: “Hurry up, some of us have go homes to go to.”

As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be.

Turns out this is called identity theft.

According to a Guardian article, the average person has sex 89 times a year!  Looks like I’m in for a wild December!

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. 

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th-floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense. 

“Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could still fuck, he could fly!”

A little boy with diarrhea tells his mom he needs Viagra.The mom asks, “Why on earth do you need that?” The little boy replies, “Isn’t that what you give dad when HIS shit won’t get hard?!”

Well, I’m afraid it’s not near the issue that it would have been… but that’s if for this week my friends.

Love to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s been a while since I’ve done anything for breast cancer awareness, not to say that I’ve forgotten that October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, but just that my life is crazy lately.

Oh me.

But, I found the above picture and thought it was a good opportunity to remind you all, that if you have a loved one with breasts, you should give them a squeeze…well…be careful with that.  Make sure it’s an appropriate loved one.  For the rest of them, encourage them to have someone else appropriate check them out or to self check.  It’s important and can be life saving.

God, I wish I had more time for this….

But for now…

Let’s Laff

I tried to log into my iPad.  Turns out it was an Etch-A-Sketch and I don’t own an iPad.
Also, I’m out of whiskey.

One spelling mistake can destroy your life.  A husband sent this to his wife: “I’m having a wonderful time, wish you were her.”

Women who don’t wear underwear never get their panties in a bunch.

Food for thought: Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s Chicken was fried in Olive Oil?

I hate when people accuse me of lolly gagging when I’m quite clearly dilly dallying.

They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase!

I thought I was losing weight, but it turned out my sweatpants had come untied.

I went for a run but come back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 2 minutes.

I hate it when TV shows say they contain “Adult Situations” but then don’t show anyone going to work, paying their bills or cleaning up after their kids.

I wonder what my kids are going to tell their kids… “It was so rough back in my day, I didn’t get a phone ‘til the 4th grade and sometimes the wi-fi didn’t always work upstairs.”

I just want to have enough money that I don’t slow down to look at furniture left on the curb.

Doug married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce.
“OK,” the judge said, “Tell the court why you want a divorce.”
“Well, your honor,” Doug started, “Every once in a while my sister-in-law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I’d end up making love to her by mistake.”
“Surely there must be some difference between the two women.” the judge said.
“You’d better damned well believe there is a difference, your honor. That’s why I want the divorce!”

You really gotta think about the last cartoon.  It’s really quite funny when you get it.

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope.

He became very depressed because he loved to play golf, so, one day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.

He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man down on the sidewalk skipping along, whooping and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw that this man didn’t have any arms at all.

He started thinking, “What am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself? I still have one good arm to do things with.”

He thought, “There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk so happy, and going on with his life.”

He hurried down to the sidewalk and caught up with the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him for saving his life and said he knew he could make it with one arm if the guy could go on with no arms.

The man with no arms began dancing and whooping and kicking up his heels again.

The guy asked, “Why are you so happy anyway?”

He said, “I’m NOT happy. My balls itch.”

Heart Warming stories like this just bring a tear to my eyes.

Two men were overheard talking about the infidelities of an office Romeo. “I do not know how he gets away with it,” said one fellow. “The only thing I’ve ever done behind my wife’s back is to zip her up.”

Surround yourself with people who have issues.  Because people who have issues always have alcohol.

Teacher: “I have a green ball in one hand and a green ball in the other hand, so what do I have?”

Student: “Kermit the Frog begging for mercy.”

I got banned from Weight Watchers for dropping a bag of M&Ms on the floor.  It was the best game of Hungry Hippos I’ve ever seen!!!

I’m pretty sure I’ve done this next one before, but it’s so funny, I just have to do it again:

Her: “Undress me with your words.”

Him: “There’s a spider in your bra.”

I’m taking care of my procrastination issues; just you wait and see.

The 4 Levels of Crazy

LEVEL 1: Talks To Self
LEVEL 2: Argues With Self
LEVEL 3: Interrupts Self While Arguing With Self
LEVEL 4: No Longer Speaks To Self

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?

Man: No sir.  These are all my pet fish.

Warden: Your pet fish?  How’s that?

Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half an hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home.  We do this every night.

Warden: Well, that’s just a crock of lies!!

Man: Here, I’ll show you… (Releases the fish in the lake)

Warden: Well, this I’ve got to see!!

…5 minutes later…

Warden: Well?

Man: Well what?

Warden: The fish!  Where’s your pet fish??

Man: What fish?

Heaven has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy.  Hell has open borders.  Let that sink in.

Let’s take a trip to the mail bag….

Dear Impish,
My boyfriend told me I have bad breath when I wake up.  He told me that giving a blowjob early in the morning will help me to reduce my bad breath.  Now I give him a blowjob daily in the morning and he tells me I don’t have bad breath after the blowjob.
Is he right?
Signed: Curious

Dear Curious,
I’m not sure, but I think your boyfriend deserves a friggin’ medal!

I gotta put up my team pennant for the games this weekend:

I had my patience tested … I’m negative.

Why is this of no surprise to me at all?

Never let someone who has done nothing, tell you how to do anything.  This had the picture of a politician around the quote, doesn’t matter which one, but the truth of the statement is overwhelming.

A female truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper.
The patrolman told her to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in her mouth as she stepped out of the cab..
Figuring that the driver was putting away her pep pills, the patrolman asked “Did I just see you swallow something?”
“Yep, that was my birth control pill,” said the driver.
“Birth control pill?” asked the patrolman.
“Yep, when I saw your flashing light, I knew I was gonna get fucked.”

Supposedly I was created in God’s image.  I don’t know…you’d think God would have a bigger penis than this.

“You’ll be fine,” the doctor said after finishing the young woman’s surgery.
“But”, she asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, and his face reddened, as a small tear ran down his cheek.
The girl was alarmed. “What’s the matter doctor?  I will be all right, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

The young boy arrived home after having lunch at his father’s office.

He ran into the kitchen and said, “Hey, Mom, guess what? We’re getting a kitty cat.”

The puzzled woman said, “Where did you hear that?”

“From Dad.”

“Your father hates animals. I can’t believe he’d buy you one.”

The boy shrugged. “I heard him plain as day. He told another guy in the office that as soon as I left, he was going out to get a little pussy

Husband: “When I die I’d like to die having sex.”

Wife: “At least we know it’ll be quick!”

A woman joins a country club and one day hears the guys talking about their golf round.

She says, “I played on my college’s golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?”

No one wants to say ‘yes’, but they’re on the spot.

Finally, one man says, “Okay, but we start at 6:30 am.”

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, “Okay.”

She’s there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She’s fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed.

They congratulate her and invite her back the next week.

She smiles, and says, “I’ll be there at 6:30, or 6:45.”

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp.

Only this time, she plays left-handed.

The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand.

They’re totally amazed. They can’t figure her out. She’s very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbors a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she’s 15 minutes late, which irritates the guys. This week she plays right-handed and narrowly beats all three of them. The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part.

However, she’s so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can’t hold a grudge. This woman is a riddle no one can figure out.

After the game they decide to have a couple of beers in the Clubhouse.

Finally, one of the men asks her, “How do you decide if you’re going to golf right-handed or left-handed?” The lady blushes, and grins. “Well I’m ambidextrous,” she replies. “I like to switch back and forth. When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude. Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willy points to the right, I golf right-handed; if it points to the left, I golf left-handed.”  The guys think this is hysterical and burst into laughter. 

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the them asks, “What if it’s pointing straight up?”

“Then I’m fifteen minutes late.”

A tomato family is walking down the road, baby tomato falls behind, so daddy tomato goes back smacks him on the head and says, “Ketchup!”

 

8:00 AM: Too Tired To Think

Noon: Too Tired To Think

5:00 PM: Too Tired To Think

Midnight: How Do Dragons Blow Out Candles??

Yup, that’s one of the maladies that I suffer from all the time.

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner…

So, I took the battery out of the smoke alarm!

If she eats her French Fries with a fork, she’s probably not going to do that thing you like.

Amen, brother’s mine!

Caught having sex by our daughter.  We calmly told her we were making her a baby brother.  She said, “Do it doggy style.  I want a puppy.”

A Short Gun Story

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his un-holstered pistol and yelled, “I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who’s been sleeping with my wife.”

A voice from the back of the room called out, “You need more ammo!”

Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary?  And on the Virgin Isles?  Same thing – not one canary there, either!

We can only blame ourselves for all the crime and violence today.  We removed all the phone booths and now Superman has nowhere to change.

Bar and Bra

Same letters different words, but both keep men waiting eagerly till they open!

Damn!  I need to talk to my pharmacy and see if they offer this service!

Going into a teenagers room is like taking a trip to IKEA…..

You pop in just to look around and end up leaving with 6 cups, 2 plates, 3 bowls, a tea towel, and some cutlery

And that’s it for this week my dear friends.  I hope you enjoyed.

Love you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I want to start today with something that I found deep in some old emails….I have many, many emails to get through.  When I first got this beautiful new computer, I had over 2000 emails that were unread, like I said, I’ve been fighting with computers for a long time and when you only have a limited amount of time that you can spend on the computer and 95% of it is spent just trying to get the damn thing to work,well, you understand.

Anyway, I’m down to only having 750 unread emails and I came across this one that Ginny sent me on February 28th of this year.  And I gotta tell you, I’m really starting to feel this one myself.

A WINTER FRIEND
AND THEN IT IS WINTER
You know time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years.  It seems like yesterday that I was young, just married, and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all those years went.
I know that I lived them all.  I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams. But, here it is… the winter of my life, and it catches me by surprise… How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember well seeing older people through the years and thinking that those “older people” were years away from me and that winter was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.
But, here it is…my friends are retired and getting grey… they move slower and I see an older person in myself now.   Some are in better and some worse shape than me… but, I see the great change… Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant…but, like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d be.
Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day!  And taking a nap is not a treat anymore… it’s mandatory!  Cause if I don’t on my own free will… I just fall asleep where I sit!
And so… now I enter this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did!!   But, at least I know, that though the winter has come, and I’m not sure how long it will last… this I know, that when it’s over on this earth… it’s over.   A new adventure will begin!
Yes, I have regrets.  There are things I wish I hadn’t done… things I should have done, but indeed, there are also many things I’m happy to have done.   It’s all in a lifetime.
So, if you’re not in your winter yet… let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think.  So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life, please do it quickly!  Don’t put things off too long!!  Life goes by quickly.  So, do what you can TODAY, as you can never be sure whether this is your winter or not!
You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life… so, LIVE FOR TODAY and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember.. and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!!

“Life” is a GIFT to you.  The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after.   Make it a fantastic one.

Remember: “It is Health that is real Wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.”

 I swear it was just yesterday that I was 35 years old and young and strong and doing whatever I wanted all over the world and it was just the day before that that I was 16 and just discovering what the world was all about.

Where the hell did the time go?

So, the key, my dear campers, is to enjoy every second of every day that we have available.  As so many of our dear friends and family have proven over this last year, we never know when it will be our turn to start the next chapter in this great adventure, so let us get as much joy and love out of this one as we can.

So, then are we ready?

Then…

If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, “If I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?”

Never give two names.

My ex is living proof as to how stupid I can be.

That could quite easily be Mrs. Dragon’s response.

Whenever someone says to me, “You look familiar.  Where have I seen you before?”

I live to respond with, “Do you watch porn?”

My sex life is like a Ferrari…

I don’t have a Ferrari.

 Athenians hate mornings because Dawn is tough on Greece.

 My friend asked me recently what the most difficult part of being a parent is…

“Without a doubt it’s the kids.” I replied.

 Maybe my mom was right all those years ago.
Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye.
Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

 I looked into my genealogy and discovered that noses run in my family

 Don’t Let Aging Get You Down.  It’s Too Damn Hard To Get Back Up!

 Old age is golden, or so I’ve heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder, as I crawl into bed,
With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,
My glasses on the table until I get up.

As sleep dims my vision, I say to myself:
Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?

The reason I know my youth is all spent,
Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went!
But, in spite of it all, I’m able to grin,
And think of the places my get-up has been!

 

 I really like this feature because there is so much to gripe about and poke fun at on both sides of the fence.

It had been a long, long day, and John the truck driver really wanted to just get home.  Living in Washington D.C. he knew traffic would be bad this time of evening, but to his horror, a traffic jam reared ahead of him larger than anything he had ever seen before.

Bewildered, since he hadn’t heard anything yet on the news, he stuck his head out and just kept seeing cars slowing down, stopping for a few moments, and then driving off.

Suddenly, a man knocks on his window.  John rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

The man says, “Terrorists have kidnapped the entire US Congress!”

“Oh my gosh!” exclaimed John.

“And they’re asking for a $100 million ransom.”

“Jeez Louise!” moaned John

“Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire!”

“Lord have mercy! cried John.

“We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” asked John.

“About a gallon, maybe two.  Depending on what you can afford.”

 

 Hey, I never said it would ALL be funny.  Some of it is actually designed to piss you off. 

Submission for a new law: You should be required to read a book for every ten (10) selfies you take.

Okay, that’s a really good question … and also scary as hell!!!

 

If a guy only wants you for your legs, breasts, and thighs…
Send his ass to Kentucky Fried Chicken!

 

Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc.

Just know that I don’t give eeffoc until I’ve had my coffee.

Dear “kids” this one’s for you:

*Alarm goes off*
*Gets up*
*Eats*
*Sits in traffic*
*Gets to work late*
*Sits down*
[5 minutes later]
*Looks at watch*
”Cool, only 40 more years to go.”

As of this moment in time right ….NOW! (MARK!)  I have 5 years, 8 months, 19 days, 12 hours, 19 minutes, and 48 seconds to go!

But who’s counting

If you get a friend request from a guy named Jeremiah, it’s ok to accept … he’s a bullfrog, and a good friend of mine.

You can tell how old you are by whether you got that last joke or not.

Aaaaaannnnnndddddd……………. if you got that one……… you’re just a little older.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He’d never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, “Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?”

Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”

The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”

Murphy replied, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all”

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in hell?”

Murphy slowly shook his head. “No, Father, after ya talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery’ I remembered where I left me hat.”

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.  I don’t have it, I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning.

I have a feeling my CHECK LIVER light may come on this weekend.

I dusted once.

It came back.

I’m not falling for that again.

I wanted to post a joke about Sodium but I was like Na, people won’t understand.

I know, right!  I was really disappointed.

If I got paid by the amount of stupid people I deal with at work instead of by the hour, I could retire next week.

Thought I’d share this erudite physician with a few of my friends who may have the same question in mind…!

Will I Live to see 90 ?

  From a 70 year old friend

(Here’s something to think about.)

I recently had to choose a new primary care doctor.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age. (I am seventy).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking her, ‘Do you think I’ll live to be 90?’

She asked, ‘Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?’

‘Oh no,’ I replied. ‘I’m not doing drugs, either!’

Then she asked, ‘Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?’

‘I said, ‘Not much… My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’

‘Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?’

‘No, I don’t,’ I said.

She asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?’

‘No,’ I said………

She looked at me and said,

‘Then, why do you even give a shit ?’

Men say women should come with instructions… What’s the point of that?  Have you ever actually seen a man read the instructions?

Apparently, you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape.

This is cruel and unfair.

I don’t always roll a joint, but when I do it’s my ankle.

Just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my car. 

Using my phone as a flashlight.

When marijuana is legalized all taxes on it should go to road repair and call the program “Operation Pot Holes.”

Apart from being exhausted, financially unstable, nearing a mental breakdown, and being fat, everything is great.  Thanks.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming “I recommend the squirrel”.

Morning Checklist:

Clothed? – Ahh…sufficiently.
Keys? – Yup, just found them.
Coffee cup? – Full!
Sanity? – Sanity? Sanity? And we have a runner!

*Child spits out food*

Mom: “Hey! We don’t spit.  If it’s in your mouth, you swallow.”

*Dad raises eyebrows*

Mom: “Shut the fuck up, you.”

Not sure why the FBI is mostly guys because a woman’s ability to find shit out is unmatched.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
”Breast-fed,” she replied.
”Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered.
She did.  He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.  Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, “No wonder this baby is underweight.  You don’t have any milk.”
”I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”

Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics

I wouldn’t have to manage my anger if people would manage their stupidity.

Took down our Rebel flag and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.  We’ve disconnected our home alarm system and quit our candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.  Bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.  Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.  I’ve never felt safer and we’re saving $49.95 a month.

Do you ever meet someone for the first time and immediately want to buy them a toaster for their bathtub?

And that will do it for this week my friends.  I hope you enjoyed yourselves and that I could bring a little joy into your lives.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

God has blessed the Dragon Family.

Again.

I’m sure you all know that mine is the only income in our family.  We are the ultimate “single income family”.  Very difficult to make ends meet and we typically live pay check to pay check as many of you do every month.  But we do make ends meet…usually…and God has always provided for us…mostly.  Not steak, but burgers at least, if you get my drift.

But, as irreverent and irreligious as I am, that does by no means mean that I am a non-believer in God.  Quite the contrary.  After having been involved with just about every organized Christian religion that there is from Catholicism to Mormonism to Baptist and having studied the Bible, Book of Mormon, Pearl of Great Price, Koran, etc. I have reached my own PERSONAL decision regarding my Heavenly Father many years ago.  And I know that He has ALWAYS and Continuously watched over me and my family and provided for us what we needed when we needed it.  As strongly as I believe that God is in my heart and all around me and in everything I do, I know that organized religion is a political …. okay wait.  I’m not taking that statement any further because I know I’ll end up upsetting some of you who, I am positive, belong to a perfectly lovely church somewhere that makes you blessedly happy.  Hell, I have too in the past. 

It just never seems to last.

And I just can’t keep myself from looking behind the damn curtain.

Anyway…

God has ALWAYS made sure we’ve been taken care of.

For the last couple of years, since my hip surgery, Mrs. Dragon and I have slept in separate beds.  Mostly because the bed we had was too soft for me and the bed we acquired was too hard for her.  We needed something in-between, but couldn’t afford to go out and get one.  Not and pay for medicine, and food, and electricity, and stuff….you know….the luxuries that we had become accustomed to living with.  So, we got by.  We were both sleeping.  Not happily, but sleeping.  I would visit her or she would visit me, but neither of us could spend the night, if you know what I mean.  Getting old is a bitch and arthritis sucks.

Then the laptop goes out.  Which is not used just for Dragon Laffs.  It’s used to keep in touch with family, pay bills, etc.

Been talking to God about a bed for two years, now I’m talking to him about a laptop.  Kinda feeling a little guilty about both cause it’s more like something I want, rather than something I need.

And then the blessing happens out of the blue.

I get a letter in the mail from the VA that says that I’m entitled to a refund on my VA home loan to the cost of a new bed and laptop….almost to the penny.  Almost to the penny when we go to the discount store and get the LAST box spring and mattress that’s on clearance sale that’s the PERFECT one for us to both sleep on and if we order on line like we’re going to pick it up in the store we’re currently standing in we’ll get another 20% off and the laptop was out of stock so they’ll ship it to the house the next day and for our troubles take another 20% off so that the total of all the discounts and savings comes to within $10 of what the VA sent us.

You don’t think that God has a calculator and figured out the discounts and everything?

Yeah he did.

The Dragon Family has been blessed…

Let’s Laff

Frankly autocorrect, I’m getting a bit tired of your shirt.

I don’t need to go to AREA 51.

I’ve been to Wal Mart.

Here’s a cool story…one that I heard about a while ago that I believe is just kinda coming to light…

R.I.P. to an unsung hero: The man who saved the world in 1983 dies

Did you know that in 1983 the world almost ended? Most people aren’t aware of this fact due to a media blackout from the former USSR, but on the early morning of September 26th, Soviet nuclear command detected five missiles en route from the United States to Moscow. The Soviets had a 23 minute window to fire their nukes to retaliate, but one man decided to take a closer look rather than hastily pull the trigger. That man, Stanislav Petrov, suspected a computer glitch was to blame for the missile alert — and it turns out he was 100% right! Had anyone else been in charge at that moment, a full-blown nuclear exchange may have occurred. Thanks to Petrov’s intuition, however, the Cold War never had a chance to get hot. This year, Mr. Petrov passed away at age 77, and is survived by his son. May he rest in peace.

This story was secret until the fall of the USSR. The stories of many heroes often go untold.

Thanks to Kim Komando’s newsletter for that quick tidbit

Be careful about what you buy online .

Even if you buy stuff online , please check out the seller very carefully.

One of our known senior members just lost $4,000, plus tax, on a penis enlarger.

The bastards sent him a Magnifying Glass!!!

The only instructions that came along with i t were:

“DO NOT USE IN SUNLIGHT!’

Yoga class?

I thought you said, “Pour a glass.”

I eat mostly whole foods:

Mostly whole Pizzas…

Mostly whole cakes…

etc…..

Home is where you take your pants off

Every mother on earth gave birth to a child.

Except my mom, she gave birth to a Legend.  High Five Mom!

 

I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth.  I was raised with a wooden spoon on my ass.

Breaking News:

Donald Trump has ties to the United States and has colluded with the American People!!

Ad on Facebook:

Anybody at work right now and don’t want to be there?  I’m doing family emergency calls, crying and everything, for $10 a call.  Serious Inquiries Only.

Husband: “Why do you keep buying plants when you just end up killing them?”

Wife: “Just to remind you what I’m capable of.”

Give up my carbs!

Over my bread body!

I love water..

Especially frozen into cubes and completely surrounded by vodka.

I know I joke a lot on my posts but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck.  I have a meeting a the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.  I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…

Mister Rogers did not adequately prepare me for the people in my neighborhood

The Officer said, “You’re staggering.”

I said, “You’re quite handsome, yourself.”

We just laughed and laughed.

I need bail money.

Try to remember the greener grass across the the fence may be due to a septic tank issue.

My housekeeping style is best described as “There appears to have been a struggle.”

For my buddy Wheats…..

He understands

I feel your pain brother

Me: (Sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) … I can’t see you anymore … I am NOT going to let you hurt me like this again!

Trainer: It was a sit up.  You did one sit up.

A baby can drink a full bottle and fall asleep and people say it’s cute.  But as soon as I do it, I’m an alcoholic.

How can I ever trust you when you keep running away every time I untie you?

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

Go ahead, take a minute and think about it.

That is scary wrong.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial Muscles

A really good point.  I don’t have little kids (or a big truck) but it’s still worth saying, could be a neighbor’s dog or cat….but a walk around your vehicle before you take off is ALWAYS a good idea.

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.

Apparently he waved to another woman.  So, to get out of the awkward situation, I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport.  I am now in Poland starting a new life.

Do you know why birds sing in the morning?

Because they don’t have to to fucking work!

I’m super lazy today.

It’s like normal lazy, but I’m wearing a cape.

If your happy and you know it…it’s your meds.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “ About 2 hours.”  The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”  The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”  

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.”  The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes.  He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returns to the shop, laughing hysterically.  The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

Nurse’s week and Teacher’s week are both during Mental Health Awareness Month…

Coincidence?

I think not!

I went to the psychiatrist today.  She told me I had a split personality and charged me 160 dollars.

I gave her 80 dollars and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.

Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was cute and funny?

Anyway, I need bail money.

 

Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns.  I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar use to make?  Now I’m blocked.

Parenting is a lot like the bar scene:

Everyone’s yelling, everything’s sticky, it’s the same music over and over again, and occasionally someone pukes.

The reason we have 17,000 pages in our law books is because we cannot follow 10 lines on a tablet made of stone. ~ Ravi Zacharias

So, here’s an oldie but goodie….

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of First Graders, using a bowl of lifesavers candies.  He gave all the children the same kind of lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by color and flavor.  The children began to say:
”Red…cherry.”
”Yellow…lemon.”
”Green…lime.”
”Orange…orange.”
Finally, the professor gave them all honey lifesavers.
After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste.
”Well,” he said.  “I’ll give you all a clue.  It’s what your mother may sometimes call your father.”
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, “Oh My God!  They’re assholes!”

So…not quite the way I heard it before, but still pretty much the same joke.

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform anymore.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things, but nothing works.

Finally, the doctor says to him, “This is all in your mind,” and refers him to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink  confesses, “I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.”

Finally, the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.  The witch doctor tells him, “I can cure this,” and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.  The Witch Doctor says, “This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year!  All you have to do is say ;123’ and it shall rise for as long as you wish!”

The guy then asks the Witch Doctor, “What happens when it’s over?”

The Witch Doctor says, “All you have to do is say ‘1234’ and it will go down.  But be warned.  It will not work again for a year!”

The guy goes home and that night he is read to surprise his wife with the good news.  So he is lying in bed with her and he says, “123.” and suddenly gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says, “What did you say ‘123’ for?”

The sad part is, most of us have crooked heads.  Put your glasses down on a flat surface upside-down.  Do one of the arms stick up in the air?  Yup, your head is crooked.

lol

The sheriff of the small Kansas town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 mph in a 35 mph zone.

The man behind the wheel, a Chicago commodities trader, was steaming.  When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, “I can’t believe you stopped me.  This town must be the asshole of the world!”

The magistrate looked at him and replied, “And you must be what’s passing through.”

There were three women waiting in a doctor’s office.
They started talking and one woman said, “I’m going to have a girl because I was on the bottom last time and I had a girl. I was on the bottom again this time so I’m going to have another girl.”
One of the other ladies said, “I’m going to have a boy, I was on the top.”
The last lady started to cry.
The two other ladies asked, “Why are you crying?”
She replied, “I’m going to have puppies!!!” 

There’s my baby!  That’s the one I used to install in the A-10 Thunderbolt II, lovingly called the Warthog.  I also put a LOT of 30mm ammo through that thing.

I’m writing a book about reverse psychology…Please don’t buy it.

Damn, I’m pretty sure I was married to her at one time.

Judging by the frying pan that just flew by my head, I did something wrong.

I can’t wait to find out what it was.

And that, dear friends, is that, for another week.

May you all be safe and happy until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

I won’t go into great detail here (no time and I don’t want to spoil the surprise) but God has, without a doubt in the world, blessed our family.

There WILL be an issue next week.

I have been so humbled by this experience.

Cheers!!

Your humble Impish Dragon