Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers and Happy Thursday to you,

 What an issue we have for you today!  Full of laughter and excitement.  After a long week, that’s exactly what we all need, I know.  So, if you could all grab your coffee or beverage of choice, make yourselves comfortable and let’s get to the laughter.  That is what you are all here for after all, right?  If you are here for something else … then I’m afraid you might be in the wrong place.

Good Morning boys and girls, today we’re going to learn about hypocrites…

Did you know that Sitting Bull’s mistress was known as Spread Eagle?

Man!  That’s one of those great things that I wish I had written!

Can you say it with me?

A little poetry from Vincent:

There was a young girl of Darjeeling,
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling.
There was never a sound,
For miles around,
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.

Song Hit:  I used to kiss her on the lips, but it’s all over now.

This one is from Lynn:

Apparently, two iPhone users can text each other the words “pew pew” (the sound that lasers make, of course), and they will receive a laser show on screen.

And I tried it and it works

Good Lord that’s enough political stuff for now, don’t you think?!

Anger Management

Justin Anthony Garcia, 30, of Lehigh Acres, Florida, landed in the Lee County Jail on Sept. 27 on charges of aggravated battery following a heated argument over which is better: whole milk or almond milk, reported Fox 23 News. Deputies of the Lee County Sheriff’s Office were called to the scene after the disagreement between two cousins escalated from verbal to physical, according to court documents, eventually ending with Garcia drawing a pocketknife and chasing his cousin through the front yard, cutting him on the torso. An uncle intervened and separated the two until deputies arrived, but the arrest complaint does not say which type of milk Garcia prefers. [Fox 23 News, 9/27/2020]

 

Entrepreneurial Spirit

Two young men soliciting residents in Covina, California, for donations for the Covina High School football team ran into a problem when they appeared at the door of a resident who quickly questioned them: “It’s funny you bring that up, because I know for a fact that you guys don’t go to Covina because I teach there … I’m a football coach.” When neither of the alleged scammers could name the head coach, they left, Fox11 reported on Oct. 7, and the football team tweeted confirmation that the two were not with the program. [Fox 11, 10/7/2020]

 

 

I love this time 0f year when you can dig grave in your front yard and people think it’s just a cute display.

They say it is better to be poor and happy than rich and miserable, but how about a compromise like moderately rich and just moody?

Pence: “Trump and I trust the American people to make choices for themselves and their families – Harris and Biden want to mandate how you care for yourself.”

Harris:  “The American people aren’t equipped to make these decisions for themselves.”

My one goal in life is to piss off one person each day.

I’m currently four hundred years ahead of schedule.

I’ve always wanted to walk up to a stranger, hand them a briefcase and whisper, “You know what to do.” and walk away.

You don’t see that every day.

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.  While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting the furniture, he looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”

Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.  I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long.  The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feels so good.

The comedies make me laugh.  I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.”  Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible.  She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus.  Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.  The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister.  The minister said, “Hello son, is your grandma home?”

The little boy replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”

History is not there for you to like or dislike.  It is there for you to learn from it.  And if it offends you, even better.  Because then you are less likely to repeat it.  It’s not yours to erase.  It belongs to all of us!

Sadly, those who need to learn THIS history lesson, won’t.

Another thing you haven’t rarely seen.

So a couple years I moved out of state with a boyfriend. Was super excited about it but with reason had anxiety about being so far from friends and family. One of the ways my anxiety was coming out was with nightmares and night terrors. I’d wake up violently sitting up in a cold sweat, gasping and whatnot. On one particular night I had woken up the sound of our doorbell ringing. Which at 4 in the morning is nerve wracking. So I shook my boyfriend fully awake and told him I heard the doorbell and to go check it because I was scared. He quickly jumps up. Puts on clothes and grabs a bat. Goes all the way to the front door and opens it. I, scared shitless, am peeking around the corner watching it all go down. I see him step outside and I nervously await the verdict of the situation when I hear him call out to me. “Babe?” And I respond real shaky, “Yes?” He stands in the doorway with a real frustrated tired look in his eyes and says, “We don’t have a doorbell.”

There’s an armadillo?

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam’.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland .

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that’s Potato University ) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw Because he’s just……

Are you ready for this?

Are you sure?

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OK!

Here it is!

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A COMMONTATER

Some days I astound myself, other days I put the laundry in the oven.

This is just so wrong!

Okay, here’s one you have to try!  It works.

And another one…and it’s perfect for Halloween!

The sad thing is that there are those of you out there who are sitting there going, “What’s a Tribble?”  And it’s sad … so very, very sad.

Did you hear about the guy who started chirping after a one night stand?  They think he caught a canarial disease.

And with that, we’ll end it here for today.  It’s been a week for all of us.  Can’t wait for the weekend to get here.  Have a great day my friends.

Good Morning Campers and Happy Columbus Day! 

My calendar app tells me that it is also Indigenous People’s Day.  Okay, I understand that Columbus was an asshole and there is certain history that says that he wasn’t even the first European to discover America and he raped and enslaved the people that he found here, but still and all and yet, why not give the Native American’s their own day?  Why hijack Columbus Day?  Doesn’t that kind of make it a little more … I don’t know, worth less somehow?  Or maybe it’s just me.

Let’s just not start any riots or anything over it, okay?

Regardless, Happy Indigenous Columbus People’s Day.  It’s a day off for me, so I’m friggin’ happy.

Although, can I make just one little point…it happened 528 years ago, it’s highly unlikely that anyone is still alive now who was alive then, or their children, or grandchildren, or great, great, great grandchildren, so the idea that anyone is still affected by what may or may not have happened is a most a history lesson and not ANYTHING to take personally or get upset about.  That’s the only point I want to make.

Now, it’s time to laugh, cause we got enough shit going on in 2020 to get upset about that we need laughter to fight without worrying about shit that happened way before any of our grandparents were born.

An Interesting Bit of History

Donald Rumsfeld’s biography of Gerald Ford, titled ”When the Center Held”,  was written in 2018.  The book clearly articulates that President Ford was a thoroughly good man, a special American, and a greatly underrated President. HOWEVER, there was a story in the book that was startling.

In 1975, President Ford was left to manage the difficult ending of the Vietnam War.  As North Vietnam seized on the opportunity to test American resolve following President Nixon’s resignation, President Ford went to Congress to ask for a relief package to push back on the North Vietnamese to allow American personnel and our allies to evacuate.  However, there was one US Senator who opposed any such support.  The result was the embarrassing and hurried evacuation from the roof of the American embassy in Saigon.  This senator reviled in the embarrassment and did everything he could to leverage it politically against Ford.

Despite the efforts of this U.S .Senator–President Ford managed to rescue 1,500 South Vietnamese allies prior to the country’s fall.  Had President Ford not acted quickly, these people would have been targeted and slaughtered for their support for America.  Saving them was a moral obligation.

When they arrived in America, President Ford asked Congress for a package to assist these refugees integrate into American society.  But that troublesome US Senator showed up again and torpedoed any support for these shell shocked refugees.  Instead, President Ford had to recruit Christian organizations to offer assistance on a voluntary basis.  As he did so, the aforementioned Senator belittled those efforts.

What kind of person would oppose President Ford’s tireless work to do the right and humanitarian thing? Who would want to play politics with the well-being of innocent people who stood by America in the tragic Vietnam War?

That US Senator? Joe Biden.

 

 

I got a comment from Dave that leads right into a set from Sasquatch …

Dave

Stephanie missed a real important one. . .A group of baboons is called a “Congress”

And as I said, Sasquatch sent …

Something to take your mind of the daily mindless protest marches and riots. And they’re interesting too.

 

 

 

Interesting Facts

 

“Throwing like a girl” is a real phenomenon. The ability to throw overhand is one of the largest biological differences between the sexes. In fact, the world record for the fastest overhand baseball throw by a woman is just 69mph, a speed regularly exceeded by 12 year old Little League players.

 

Every U.S. state except one has recorded a temperature of at least 100° F. The one exception? Hawaii.

 

The entire state of Wyoming only has two escalators.

 

Martin Van Buren was the only U.S. President whose first language was not English. He grew up speaking Dutch.

 

Middle names weren’t always common in the United States. Only three of the eighteen Presidents that served prior to 1868 had middle names.

 

There are over 5000 people in the United States whose first name is “Unique”.

 

Technically speaking, Alaska is both the westernmost and the easternmost U.S. state. Some of the Aleutian Islands are so far west that they extend into the Eastern Hemisphere.

 

Parts of Canada are further south than parts of California.

 

As the crow flies, Atlanta is closer to Canada than it is to Miami.

 

The easternmost part of Tennessee is closer to Canada than it is to Memphis.

 

We’ll throw some more of these INTERESTING FACTS in later

 

 

Believe it or not, Maine is the U.S. state that is geographically closest to Africa.

 

Cuba is further west than Peru.

 

Rome is further north than New York City

 

Spaghetti is plural. A single strand of spaghetti is a spaghetto.

 

The plural of the word octopus is octopuses, not octopi.

 

Cows kill more people than sharks.

 

The Secret Service that protects the U.S. President used to be part of the Department of the the Treasury. Their original mission was to stop the spread of counterfeit money, a function which they still serve today.

 

On a rotary phone, some numbers were much faster to dial than others. So when the U.S. created area codes in the 1940s, it gave the major cities “quicker” area codes. This is why New York City is 212, Chicago is 312, and Los Angeles is 213.

 

According to some estimates, up to 90% of the adult male population of Paraguay was killed during the Paraguayan War, fought between 1864 and 1870

 

More than 6 times as many Soviet soldiers died in WWII as American soldiers that died in all wars combined.

 

During WWII, Japan launched over 9000 balloons with incendiary bombs attached to them. They hoped that the bombs would cross the Pacific to the United States, start massive forest fires, and sow panic. The project was a colossal failure. However, in 1945, one balloon did kill six picnickers in Oregon. Those six people were the only deaths caused by enemy action in the continental U.S. during WWII.

 

In Vietnam, the Vietnam War is known as the American War.

Only about 3% of the soldiers who died in the Vietnam War were American.

 

Ireland still has a lower population today than it did in the 1800s before the Irish Potato Famine.

 

Since 1980, India has only won 1 Olympic gold medal

 

Lemons float, but limes sink.

 

The color orange was not used in the English language until 1512. And in case you’re wondering, the color was named after the fruit.

 

The guys that were drinking should’ve just checked the book out of the library.

An elderly lady checks into a motel on her 70th birthday, but was a bit lonely.  She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone booths for escorts and sensual massages.”  She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted skills flexing in the mirror.  He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six-pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his butt.

The old lady figures, what the heck, nobody will ever know.  She gave him a call.  “Hello,” the man says.  He sounded sexy.

“Hi.  I hear you give a great massage and I’d like you to come to my room and give me one.  No, wait.  I should be straight with  you.  I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex.  I want it hard I want it hot, and I want it now.  Bring implements, toys, leather, whips, everything y0u’ve got in your bag of tricks … We’ll go hot and heavy all night; time me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want!  Now, how does that sound?”

He replied, “That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 four an outside line.”

They say “The Truth Will Set You Free”, but I’m afraid in this case it’s going to blow this country to bits.  Thanks to Sasquatch for sending this to me and it’s about what I figured was going to happen, but not really how I thought it would.  I was sure the officers involved would get off, through some technicality, but this throws a whole new light on the subject.  Read on dear campers, read on:

An assessment below from a US Navy JAG officer.  Well worth the read. 

I had read the official autopsy report some time ago. This confirms 100% that it was true and adds FACTS that heretofore were never revealed as the media, as always, rushed to a judgment that fit their narrative. This travesty by the media has cost the American people billions of dollars in damage, lost lives and people maimed for the rest of their lives. Too bad they can’t be held accountable like the millions Nick Sandman has recovered in quiet settlements with 2 media outlets for their INTENTIONAL mischaracterization of his situation. Now, imagine the riots when the jury follows the law and acquits these police officers because the facts aren’t there. How many more billions and lives?? Thanks, media.

From: McIntosh Enterprises <ripmcintosh@msn.com>

Who Killed George Floyd? By Don Brown American Thinker September 18, 2020   If they get a fair trial, a questionable proposition at best, Minneapolis police officers charged with murdering George Floyd should be acquitted.   Let’s consider new, undisputed evidence, beyond the initial bystander’s video that we’ve all seen, to understand why.   On Memorial Day, around 8 PM, Minneapolis Police are called to a local convenience store. Two suspects passed a fake $20 bill to buy cigarettes. When police arrived, the shop manager pointed across the street, where three suspects sat in a parked vehicle. George Floyd sat behind the wheel.   When the officers crossed the street to investigate, two other suspects, another man, and a woman, both black, stepped from the car and politely cooperated.   But George argued and disobeyed ten separate commands from officers to keep his hands up. After the tenth order, he finally put his hands on the steering wheel as instructed.   As George protested, police walked him across the street to the police cruiser, the vehicle shown in the bystander’s video.   That bystander’s video, isolated alone, implies that the officer cruelly forced George onto the ground, then callously put his knee on George’s neck, causing George to cry out, pitifully, “I can’t breathe.”   But when a Minnesota judge authorized the release of police body cam footage, a completer and more different story emerged. First, the police never wanted George on the ground at all, and frantically tried getting him into the back of their squad car.   But Floyd, a strong six-feet-eight-inches tall, fought police every second, and tried pushing his way out. Police video shows George repeatedly saying, “I can’t breathe” long before he was on the ground, and before Officer Chauvin employed the infamous knee-restraint tactic.   This is crucial.   Claiming to be “claustrophobic” as they ordered him into the back seat, George Floyd demanded to be placed on the ground. So, the officers did not thrust him down to the ground and then put their knee on George’s neck, as the bystander’s video suggests.   Let’s delve into the evidence.   From Officer Thomas Lane’s body camera, at 8:09 PM, officers approached George’s vehicle, tapped on the window, instructing him to either put his hands up or put his hands on the steering wheel. But George refuses.   Ten separate times, police either instructed George to let them see his hands, or to put his hands on the wheel. Finally, George puts his hands on the wheel, protesting he had “not done anything.”   At 8:17 PM, officers walk George across the street. He keeps arguing, as they order him into the back of the squad car.   “I’m claustrophobic,” he claims, twice, resisting as they again order him to sit in the back seat. He screams, fights and resists getting in the squad car.   At 8:18:08, still standing beside the car and fighting the officers, he says, for the first time, with no knee on his neck, “I can’t breathe, officer!” At this point, police are still ordering him into the back seat. A bystander urges George to stop fighting. “You can’t win,” the bystander says.   George fights anyway.   Police push him in the back seat. He keeps resisting.   Nine seconds later, fighting from the backseat of the police car, George says three times, in rapid succession, beginning at 8:18:19, “I want to lay on the ground! I want to lay on the ground! I want to lay on the ground!” He repeats it a fourth time, five seconds later, “I want to lay on the ground!”   Then, as if he knows he is dying, says, “I’m going down.”   At 8:18:39, fighting in the backseat, he again says, three times in rapid succession, “I can’t breathe!” Then again,” I can’t breathe.” And then, again, at 8:18:50 repeats, “I can’t breathe!”   At this point, George had demanded to be laid on the ground four times and said “I can’t breathe” at least six times, while in the back seat of the squad car, with no knee on his neck.   At 8:19:06, he again says, “I can’t breathe,” for the seventh time. Of course he can’t breathe. A fentanyl overdose stops a man from breathing. George fought the officers non-stop for over ten minutes before officers finally removed him from the car and put him down on the ground, beside the squad car, as George himself demanded.   Bystanders then film George on the ground, declaring, “I can’t breathe,” as if this was the first time George said, “I can’t breathe,” and as if Officer Chauvin’s knee (not the fentanyl) caused George’s breathing problems.   Fox 9 in Minneapolis reported that Chief Hennepin County Medical Examiner Dr. Andrew Baker, in a memorandum filed May 26 concluded, “The autopsy revealed no physical evidence suggesting that Mr. Floyd died of asphyxiation.”   In other words, Dr. Baker initially ruled out Chauvin’s knee as causing George’s death.   In a second memorandum filed June 1, Baker described Floyd’s fentanyl level as “pretty high,” and a potentially “fatal level.” Dr. Baker reported Floyd had 11 ng/mL of fentanyl in his blood, adding, “If he were found dead at home alone and no other apparent causes, this could be acceptable to call an OD. Deaths have been certified with levels of 3.”   In other words, while levels of 3 ng/mL have caused fatal fentanyl overdoses. George ingested nearly four times that amount, or 11 ng/mL of fentanyl, in his bloodstream. In another document, Dr. Baker said, “That is a fatal level of fentanyl under normal circumstances.”   Granted, mounting political pressure led to subsequent private autopsy reports, paid for by the family, showing the cause of death as a combination of both fentanyl and asphyxiation from the officer’s knee.   Of course they do.   But the prosecution, to obtain a conviction, must prove guilt beyond a reasonable doubt.. They must prove that the officer’s knee, and not the massive fentanyl dosage, killed George Floyd.   That’s a tall order.   Not only that, but the infamous, “knee-technique,” which should be banned, was authorized by the Minneapolis PD. Officer Chauvin followed authorized procedure, a technique for keeping a suspect on the ground, after George Floyd had fought officers for over ten minutes, and after, only — and this is the kicker — George requested, repeatedly, to lay on the ground.   But Chauvin’s knee is a red herring. The issue here is fentanyl.   Here’s how the respected website, WebMD, describes the effects of fentanyl: “[F]entanyl has rapid and potent effects on the brain and body, and even very small amounts can be extremely dangerous. “It only takes a tiny amount of the drug to cause a deadly reaction,” “Fentanyl can depress breathing and lead to death. The risk of overdose is high with fentanyl.”   Here’s what the CDC says about fentanyl. “It is 50 to 100 times more potent than morphine.” https://www.cdc.gov/drugoverdose/opioids/fentanyl.html   Of course George couldn’t breathe — because fentanyl, mixed with methamphetamines, kills breathing. Despite the bad optics, “I can’t breathe” was not because of the officer’s knee.   The medical examiner’s statement on lethal fentanyl, and the previous protestations of “I can’t breathe,” even before he got into the back seat of the squad car, and long before Chauvin applied the notorious “knee” technique, shows that George was already dying from the lethal fentanyl overdose before officers put him in the back seat of the car. That fentanyl, with methamphetamine ingestion, and cannabinoids — that’s right, George popped some meth alongside the fentanyl, plus a little reefer too — raises more than a reasonable doubt in favor of these policemen.   Here’s the prosecution’s problem – proving beyond a reasonable doubt that it was the officer’s knee, and not the massive fentanyl overdose, that killed George.   No one can prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, not in this case, that Chauvin killed Floyd, not with any intellectual honesty. George overdosed on fentanyl, and mixed it with meth, and reefer. That’s why he’s dead. Without the overdose, George Floyd would still be alive. The officers should be acquitted.   Which begs the question, who killed George Floyd?   Sadly, George Floyd killed himself.   Don Brown, a former U.S. Navy JAG officer,

And when the officers get acquitted … the riots will be the likes of which we have never seen before.  Because people are basically stupid.

My cousin Guido when he was a baby.

I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently.  I have new ideas.

Is it any wonder why the country is the way it is?

I don’t know how to act my age, I’ve never been this age before.

Knowing who you are voting for is important

Coffee is vital for survival.
Dinosaurs didn’t have coffee, and look how they turned out.

You can leave $5,000 unattended in a room with me and every dime is gonna be there.  Now, if you leave M&Ms or something, that’s your fault.

A vote is not a valentine, you aren’t confessing your love for the candidate.  It’s a chess move for the world you want to live in.

This one has been around for a while, but it’s worth repeating.  Sent to me by Papa Dragon Most Senior and a couple of his buddies.

When I was a kid, I couldn’t understand why Eisenhower was so  popular.  Maybe this will explain why

General Eisenhower Warned Us.

It  is a matter of history that  when the Supreme Commander of the Allied Forces, General  Dwight Eisenhower, found the victims of the death camps he  ordered all possible photographs to be taken, and for the  German people from surrounding villages to be ushered  through the camps and even made to bury the  dead.

He did this because he said in words to this effect …

‘Get it all on record now – get the films –  get the witnesses – because somewhere down the road of  history some b*st*rd will get up and say that this never happened’

This week, the UK debated whether to remove The Holocaust from its school curriculum because it ‘offends’ the Muslim population which claims it never occurred.  It is not removed as yet. However, this is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world and how easily each country is giving into it.
It is now more than 70 years after the Second World War in Europe ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial  chain, in memory of the, six million Jews, 20 million  Russians, 10 million Christians, and 1,900 Catholic  priests Who were ‘murdered, raped, burned, starved,  beaten, experimented on and humiliated’ while many in  the world looked the other way!
Now, more than ever, with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be ‘a myth,’ it is imperative to make sure the world never  forgets.
This e-mail is intended to reach 400 million people!m Be a link in the memorial chain and help distribute this around the world.
How many years will it be before the attack  on the World Trade Center ‘NEVER  HAPPENED’?
Because it offends some Muslims???

Do not just delete this message; it will take only a minute to pass this along.

Remember when all classrooms had an American flag in them?

Do they even teach our children about the World Trade Center attacks in 1993 and 2001, or did it go the way of Pearl Harbor and  Veterans Day?

Don’t even mention Christmas or prayers in school.  Many schools no longer recite the Pledge of Allegiance and many children do not know the words to our National Anthem, or that we even have one!

I’m not adding this year to my age, I did not use it.

The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.”
– Dudley Moore – (1935-2002)

But there are, apparently, short underpasses.

Yup, that’s 2020 for you.

Yeah, we need some of these next …

I’m not sure if I’m more impressed with the wind or the root system.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried.
Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.”
So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

Yup, been near a hanger when it’s happened.  Not a fun clean up at all.

The wife returned home from a shopping spree with an expensive pair of lace panties.  “I know they cost a lot,” she said, “but you wouldn’t expect to find quality perfume in a cheap bottle, would you?”

“Definitely not!” barked her husband, “and I certainly would not expect to find gift wrapping around a dead beaver, either!”

And that will do it for me for today my dear friends.  May your day be filled with joy and peace and lots and lots of laughter.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

So, I just brought Mrs. Dragon back from her follow up appointment after her eye surgery.  Boy, that was fun.  She had some vertigo, mostly, the doctor said, because her one eye was still VERY dilated from the surgery.  She had to hold on to me very tightly as she walked, which, I didn’t mind too much, but I couldn’t help picking on her just a little.  As we were standing, waiting our turn for the receptionist, I started rocking back and forth just a tiny bit, which made her vertigo worse.  And she said, loud enough for the receptionist to hear, “Are you rocking?” and of course I said, “Of course not, honey.  I would never do that to you.”  In the sweetest voice I could muster, which, if I must admit, was quite sweet.  But, didn’t fool Mrs. Dragon for even one second.  And Mrs. Dragon hauled off and punched me dead in the chest. 

And then I had to catch her as she started to fall.

And then I laughed so hard I almost dropped her.

And then the receptionist said, “He was rocking you, I saw the whole thing.”

I called her a traitor as I walked Mrs. Dragon over to sit her down in the waiting room.  Mrs. Dragon then turned to me in front of everyone else in the waiting room and said, “Maybe twenty-five years is long enough.”

Not to be out-done, I replied, “You couldn’t live without me.” 

But she’s too quick for me, because she replied, “You’ve got good life insurance.  You forget about all the murdery shows I watch?”

The whole place cracked up.  Score: Mrs. Dragon 3, Impish Dragon 2. 

God, I love that woman!

Now, let’s get on with the rest of the laugher.

We can always rely on our dear, dear friend Stephanie for…

STRANGE & COMPLETELY USELESS INFORMATION

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.  That’s probably learned behavior
A snail can sleep for three years.  Along with most teenagers
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet. 
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.  Leading people to believe for many years that cats were female and dogs were male.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.  And his mother immediately told him to stop running with them.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.  Pissing off poets everywhere.  

I’m going to have to break these up and put some cartoons in-between …

–Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.  Just look at your grandparents …
–Shakespeare invented the word ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.
–“Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand, “lollipop” with your right.
–The cruise liner, QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.  I used to own a car like that
–The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.  Um.. North America and South America spring to mind …
–The words ‘racecar’ and kayak’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.  Amongst many other words … boy, she was right … totally useless information
–TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.  I repeat my earlier statement
–Women blink nearly twice as much as men.  It’s the makeup dripping down into their eyes.
–If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at a red light.,  I think that number changes depending on the city you live in.  I’ve been in cities where I swear I’ve done that in a year.
–In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch face, is 10:’0.  That’s an odd time.

**The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
**Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks, otherwise it will digest itself.
**There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
**There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times, “indivisibility.”  Taking strange and completely useless to all new levels
**The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
**Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would be little for the rest of its life.  Challenge accepted!!!
**A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the air is a skein.  I thought a skein was a ball of yarn
**A ‘jiffy’ is an actualy unit of time for 1/100th of a second.  So, when someone says that they will be back in a Jiffy or that they’ll have it for you in a Jiffy – totally bogus.  But … but … what about the peanut butter?
**Pinocchio is Italian for “pine eye”.  Okay, now that’s just wrong!
**The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.  As anybody who’s ever had Typing in school knows

Well played, indeed!

<>The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is “uncopyrightable”.  And why is my spellcheck telling me that isn’t a real word?
><Barbie’s full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.  Who cares?
<>It’s impossible to lick your elbow.  And yet millions try, every year.
><More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.  THAT is the most amazing fact on this entire list.
<>Rats and horses can’t vomit.  Challenge accepted!!!
><The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language……….try it!  No!
<>Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.  Did you REALLY just ruin headphones for me!!!!!
><In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.  I did not know that.
<>The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.  That is really quite surprising.
><Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.  That is not surprising at all.  And, I would go further and wager the number is actually quite a bit higher.
<>Most lipstick contains fish scales.  There’s a very good reason for this… something about stickiness or shininess or something I’m sure.
><Cat’s urine glows under a black light.  It makes murdering people that much harder for them.
<>Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different.  Who was paid to do a study to figure this out?

A tourist in Canada celebrated the 4th of July by getting stone drunk.

He became obnoxious and disorderly, and was hauled into court for disturbing the peace.

“How do you plead?” the Judge asked.

“Not guilty!” replied the accused.

“How can you plead ‘not guilty’.  You’re drunker than a skunk.” the judge said.

“Well, you see, it’s like this, your honor.  I was only following orders.  When I got into town, there was this big sign that said, DRINK CANADA DRY.  And that’s what I tried to do.”

Greg and his two friends are talking at the bar one day.  His friend John says, “Guys, I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.  I came home from work the other day and found wire cutters under the bed and they weren’t mine.”

His friend Sean said, “Well, I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber.  I came home the other day and found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.”

Greg said, “I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.”

Both of his friends just stared at him.

“I’m serious!” he said.  “The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed!”

There is a folk belief that if you bury a statue of St. Joseph on a piece of property, it will be sold more quickly.

I took the St. Joseph from my Nativity scene and buried it near my front door.  A few days later a woman made me an offer on the house.  Since she had to sell her home too, I suggested she enlist the help of the saint as well.

After a month of burying the statue all over her lawn, she had no nibbles and, in disgust, put the statue out with the trash.

A week later she opened her local paper and read: “Town Sells Landfill to Private Developer.”

A big, burly man visited the pastor’s home and asked to see the minister’s wife, who was well known for her charitable impulses.

As he addressed her he said in a broken voice, “I’d like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.  The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.  They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400 rent payment.”

“How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife. “May I ask who you are?”

The sympathetic visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and sobbed.  “I’m the landlord.”

That’s my club!

Thought for the day:

Does the career advice, “Come early on your first day” apply in the porn business?

These were entries to a Washington Post Competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line

Love may be beautiful,
love may be bliss
But I only slept with you,
because I was pissed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting,
the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl’s empty
and so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace,
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot,
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace,
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming,
That’s why I always wake up screaming.
*************************************
My love, you take my breath away —
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
*************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “Go To Hell.”
*************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme? —
Two parts vodka, one part lime!

And I’ll bet you can guess who sent this to me,
Well of course, it was our own dear Stephanie.

“May I have some stationery?” a man asked the hotel clerk.

“Are you a guest of the hotel?” asked the clerk.

“No, I’m paying sixty dollars a day,” said the man.

Hey, we may be on to something here!

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on, indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.

One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, “Who turned on the fucking lights!?”

“Oh, no, sir,” the flight attendant replied.  “Those are the breakfast lights.  You slept through the ‘fucking lights’.”

Got a reply from Sasquatch …

Sasquatch

Why should Bigfoot complain about that? Being from the Pacific Northwest he has Portland and Seattle out there. Absolutely beautiful country but with those folk the last thing he has to worry about is being mistaken for a handsome fella like me

I don’t know why Bigfoot would complain?  I don’t have an answer.

Can’t blame sharks in these shark attacks.  Imagine a bucket of fried chicken came skateboarding through your living room … What would you do?

Even COVID picked Trump over Biden.

Brother, this is not going to work out as you expect…

Okay, this next one is absolutely fucking incredible…

While you don’t know for sure if President Donald Trump is behind it, somehow you just know he is.

A peculiar thing happened Sunday night outside the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, hot pizzas kept showing up. By the dozens.

https://twitter.com/i/status/1312936699136299008

https://twitter.com/i/status/1312921361850028037

A throng of Trump supporters have been holding a vigil outside the facility since the president was admitted on Friday after testing positive for COVID-19, or as Trump is now calling it, the “plague from China.”

According to one enthusiastic supporter, Domino’s pizzas were being delivered every 45 minutes to the crowd — 250 pies and counting.

The man was convinced that the gift was from President Trump and he offered some really sound logic in support of his theory that’s hard to argue.

“You know it’s from Trump because the sh*t isn’t gluten free. There’s meat on it,” he said. “Trump’s an alpha.”

He also had a personal message for Fake News CNN: “No, we’re not being paid.”

While no one knew for sure who was buying dinner, the general belief was that it had to be Trump.

Whether he did or not didn’t matter because Trump supporters were convinced that the president was reciprocating the love they have been showing for him.

On that note, the president left the presidential suite at Walter Reed earlier in the day in a “surprise” drive by to thank the crowd outside.

Gestures such as this are why so many Americans back Trump as strongly as they do.

An example of this sentiment was seen Sunday.

“I will die for him. I will die for that man — happily,” a supporter said Sunday as the presidential motorcade passed by. “I will die for that man. Anyone want to mess with him, you mess with me first. He is a hero, that man!

And if you hit the links and read through the twitter feeds, the drivers were telling the crowds that it was from POTUS.  The man was feeding his well wishers out of his own pocket.  Maybe it was a stunt, I don’t know.  But, if it was, it was still one hell of a stunt.  What a guy.  And why wasn’t it reported on a single news source.  Not one.  But the stupid stunt that Pelosi is pulling with the 25th amendment is all over the fucking news…

Assholes.

No shit!  You ain’t seen nuthin’ yet!

A wealthy Arab sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. He willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman, in appreciation for his giving his blood, a new BMW, a 5-carat diamonds and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before. He phoned the Arab and asked him: “I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money … but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates.”

To this the Arab replied: “Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now”.

When life shuts a door …

Open it again.  It’s a door.  That’s how they work.

Thanks to Vincent for sending this one… my response … only in Hoboken!!

I haven’t lost my mind.  Half of it wandered off, and the other half went looking for it.

I was recently asked who my favorite vampire was.  I said, “the Muppet from Sesame Street.”
They told me, “he doesn’t count.”
I replied, “I assure you, he does.”

Ask Marilyn

By Marilyn vos Savant

Some people don’t like electoral votes (versus popular votes) deciding our presidential elections. Can you make an argument in favor of electoral votes?

—Jacob Stein, Larchmont, N.Y.

We are the United States of America, and our states—starting with the original 13 colonies—are separate entities. It is understandably unacceptable to states with smaller populations to have their affairs decided by other states simply because more people live there. Suppose there were a United Countries of Earth. Would we like the idea of China (population 1.439 billion) and India (1.380 billion) running the show? (The U.S. has 331 million people.) Or would we want a leveling factor? Visit Parade. com/college to see how electoral votes are distributed.

A very excellent argument and explanation!

And that will do it for this issue.  Tune in … well … next time for the continued adventures of …

Good Morning Campers,

Well, today is Wednesday, and I’ve managed to mangle my way through the whole week without a second’s time to work on today’s issue.  Monday was full of stuff, Tuesday was full of meetings and the new dart season started.  We won our match, by the way, if you were interested.  14 to 12.  Came right down to the last two legs!  Very exciting.  The final match was Cricket doubles and my partner and I took it 2-0 in the best of three.  We didn’t get home till after eleven and to bed till after midnight and I was back at work at 0600 hrs. !

Half day work for me today because Mrs. Dragon had her first of two cataract surgeries.  Just got home, ordered a pizza, got her settled, had to pick on her like she picked on me when I had mine, it is only fair, after all, and started working on this. 

So, with the explanations out of the way … let’s get to the stuff that you guys were here for … the laughter!!

Okay, and now the warning are out of the way, too!

The “H” in “DEMOCRAT” stands for “HONESTY”

Lance is a pretty uncommon name these days, but in medieval times, people were named lance a lot.

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.  I thought to myself, That’s a little condescending.

I only drink a little, but when I do, I turn into another person, and that person drinks a lot.

Here be wisdom:

If you keep your circle small, the joint comes back faster.

Remember that.

And if you don’t see the depth in that, you haven’t read it enough.

Okay, that’s not enough emphasis… hang on a second… I’ll be right back…

That’s better.

Well … I guess I was 61…

I got thrown out of my local park after arranging the squirrels by height.

They didn’t like me critter sizing.

If you want someone to listen to you, start the conversation with “I shouldn’t be telling you this.”

Okay … so I didn’t make it Thursday morning.  How do I know this?  Cause it’s now Thursday morning and I’m still working on this issue.  I literally passed out on my keyboard last night and Mrs. Dragon made me go to bed.  I slept for ten hours (without getting up to pee!!!)  And now I’ve gotten up and I’m going to attempt to finish this issue for you guys and maybe get it sent out a couple of hours late.  So, let’s get back to it.

Becky is having lunch with Hannah.
Becky says, “My Morris is just impossible.  Absolutely nothing pleases him.  Tell me, Hannah, is your Harold hard to please?”
Hannah shrugs and replies, “I wouldn’t know.  I’ve never tried.”

Has anyone else noticed that Trump Supporters have huge patriotic motorcycle and boat rallies, while Biden supporters are rioting and burning down cities?

There is a pier in San Francisco upon which sits a large statue of gorilla named Dotty who lived at the SF zoo for many years.

Dotty is not relevant to the story, except that she was loved by all who knew her.

Any rate, every year there was a festival held on the pier at which one could buy all manner of fried foods and see some local Sa Franners doing comedy skits and the like.

Since the comedy was pretty bad, but the food was pretty good, it quickly became tradition to hit all of the food stands hard and fast then melt away before being exposed to too much bad comedy.

Naturally, this annual event became known as the Gorilla Wharf Fair.

I think we can conclude that the “time out” generation didn’t produce as good of citizens as the “ass beating” generation.

Are we the only country stupid enough to start a second civil war because we are offended by the first one?

I decided to stop worrying about my teenage daughter’s driving and take advantage of it. 

I got one of those bumper stickers that say, “How’s my driving?” and put a 0900 number on it. 

At $1.50 a call, I’ve been making $100 a week!

They are never pictured as young men like that.  They are always pictured as older and wiser.

“I got married,” said the first tavern regular, “so that I could get laid 3 or 4 times a week.”

“That’s strange,” the other guy replied, “Cuz that’s the reason why I got divorced!”

More great information from Stephanie.

Intercourse Etiquette and Decency
1) NOT KISSING FIRST.
Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you’re paying by the hour and trying to get your money’s worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay (BUT BY NO MEANS THE ONLY ONE!).

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR.
Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there’s a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you’re trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. Knock it off!

3) NOT SHAVING.
You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner’s face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it’s not passion, it’s pain damn it!

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST.
Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and sooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES.
Why do men fasten onto a woman’s nipples, then clamp down like they’re trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can’t stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they’re a doggie toy is not.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES.
Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you’re trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY.
A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you’ve ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention!

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED.
Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you’re going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT.
Condom disposal is the man’s responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS.
Direct pressure is very unpleasant, …. and remember .. it is not the on button for you to hit repeatedly! So, gently rotate your fingers along side of it.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK.
Women, unlike men, don’t pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she’s not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY.
Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid’s toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY.
Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA.
Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it’s all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you’re trying to stuff stolen bank notes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you’re not careful, it can hurt – so don’t get carried away. It’s best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY.
You’re attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY.
Don’t force the issue by stripping before she’s at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it’s just undoing a couple of buttons. There is no turn off like the one where you are passionately kissing and in 2 seconds you have whipped it out or worse yet, have completely stripped.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST.
A man in socks and underpants is at his worst. Lose the socks first.

18) GOING TOO FAST.
When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool – she’ll soon feel like an assembly line worker made obsolete by your technology. Slow is the key! In the beginning build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular
movements.

19) GOING TOO HARD.
If you bash your great triangular hipbones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON.
Every man’s fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH.
It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it’s more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you’re playing Marathon Man.
I can attest to this one. Honestly, get it done or go do it yourself. An hour is too long.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME.
You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don’t know, don’t ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY.
In the beginning this is cool. Very seductive, but don’t act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN.
Men persist in doing this until she’s eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It’s about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours first; try talking seductively to her, and if all else fails reciprocation is the key!

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX.
Sperm tastes like seawater mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she’s performing oral sex, warn her before you cum so she can do what’s necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO.
Don’t thrust. She’ll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don’t grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES.
In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate all over them. In real life, it is disgusting and a sure-fire way to put an end to your oral fantasies!

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES.
Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently around the torso area, so that she doesn’t feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first or test the waters with your finger. And don’t think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES.
When a man says, “Can I take a photo of you?” she’ll hear the words “__to show my buddies.” At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH.
Imagination is anything from pouring honey on her and licking it off, to fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS.
There is no less erotic sound. It’s as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES.
If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she’s a Romanian gymnast, don’t get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.

34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE.
Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because THEY HAVE A PROSTATE! Women don’t.

35) GIVING LOVE BITES.
It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end…. and it looks pretty silly when its summer.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS.
Don’t shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It’s not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY.
It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she’ll let you know.

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES.
You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER.
Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER.
Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen

Okay, so some of them were really funny, some of them were really obvious and some of them very condescending….so all-in-all about what I’d expect from my dear Stephanie.

I think we need to move the sign.

And that is enough to post … so I’ll just be a few hours late.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

Goooooood Mooooorning Caaaampers!!!!

With apologies to Robin Williams.  It is Saturday if this gets posted on the day it’s supposed to be posted, otherwise, I don’t know what fucking day it is!

Yes, it has been a loooooong week.

Boy, ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth!

More poetry from Stephanie … although I’m pretty sure she copied this one.

Glad I’m a Man

I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don’t bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to – north,south,east, or west.

I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.

And I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early,
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don’t carry our differences into the sack

I’ll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all.

I won’t cry if you say it’s not going to work.
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.

Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a man, you see.
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery.
I don’t get all bitchy every 28 days.
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.

I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!

Damn girl!  I’m just going to forward all the hate mail to you.

Okay, more and more poetry from Stephanie.  The other team heard from…

Glad I’m a Woman

I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don’t live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won’t drive to Hell before I ask for directions.

I don’t get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down.
I won’t grab your hooters, I won’t pinch your butt.
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my beer gut.

And I don’t go around “re-adjusting” my crotch.
And yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind.
I’m a woman you see – I’m just not that kind!

I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing.
I don’t have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn’t grow in my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack.

And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb.
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I’m a woman, you know – I’ve got far too much pride!

And I honestly think it’s a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.

I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand,
or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I’m so very glad I’m a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.

I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful, it’s true.
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!

And I’ll send you the hate mail for that one, too.

I understand that California has voted to pay reparations to descendants of former slaves.  And that people are leaving the state in droves to avoid this.  I’m not 100% sure of the validity of this or not.  Okay, so what I just read said that the law “could” pay black Californians.  Okay, so not even going into WHERE this money is going to come from (tax dollars) and such, I do have a question for you … How much should the descendants of 360,000 Union soldiers who died to free slaves, be paid by descendants of slave they freed?  Oh … and one other question … when is enough stupidity enough?

Okay, I came up with a new dating app idea.  You match with people who are on the same meds as you.

“Relationscript”

Nice things to whisper when you hug someone

– you smell different when you’re awake

– please help me (then smile as if nothing happened)

– soon

– you have lovely skin, I can’t wait to wear it

– your hair tastes like strawberries

– tonight … you

– he knows, don’t go home

– I always knew you would die in my arms

– no one will ever believe you

– yesssssssssssss

– I killed Mufasa

– I bet you didn’t feel me lick your ear

– mother told me it would be like this

I don’t want to know “Why mobs are tearing down America’s monuments.”

I would rather know, “Why are we letting them?”

DEFUND THE NFL

Don’t watch.  Don’t go.

Don’t buy.  Don’t discuss.  It’s Not About Football Anymore.

I haven’t watched a single second of football this year.

Trying hard for Monday! 

When one door closes another one opens.

Other than that, it’s a pretty good car.

Is this true, brother?

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

First we overlook evil.
Then we permit evil.
Then we legalize evil.
Then we promote evil.
Then we celebrate evil.
Then we persecute those who still call it evil.

This next one has got to be the very BEST definition I have ever heard … and exactly what Mrs. Dragon and I have and what I wish for each and every one of you!

Boy, ain’t that the ever-lovin’ truth!

Free Urine Test:

Go to a tree trunk and take a piss.  If it attracts a lot of ants, you have high glucose.  If it dries too fast, you have high sodium.  If it smells like meat, you have high cholesterol.  Forgot to open your pants to pee and you have Alzheimer’s.  Had trouble aiming at the tree, Parkinson’s.  If you pee on your feet, prostate.  Couldn’t smell the pee, definitely COVID.

I’ve never wrestled a rage filled alligator in the dark

BUT

I have given a small child liquid medicine in the middle of the night,

so … same thing.

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2×4 just above where the cow’s stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?” Then the rancher leaves for town.

Later, the artificial insemination man knocks on the front door. “I came to inseminate the cow,” he says.

Amy takes him down to the barn, walk along the row of cows and, when Amy sees the nail, she says, “This is the one, right here.”

Assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, the man asks, “Tell me, young lady, ’cause I’m dying to know, how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?”

“That’s simple…by the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains with confidence.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And WHAT, pray tell, is the nail for?”

As she turns to walk away, she says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

(Once in a while, it’s nice to see a blonde win)

My super power is holding on to junk for years and then throwing it away a week before I need it.

Hey!  I have that power, too!

Not up to my usual standards I’m afraid, but that has to be it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon