Dragon Laffs

Don’t mean to be rude folks but its been a long time getting this issue to press and I’m butt sore from sitting here for 6 hours and bone tired.  its nearly 1 Am on Wednesday morning as I finish this and it still feels like  its 90 outside so you can imagine how my day in the field felt. Not exactly the way my vacation of protest over someone’s lackadaisical attitude towards this great publication should be going but hey wadda ya going to do?

Well I’m going to get some shut eye and hopefully some decent sleep since my day started at 05:30 yesterday now. Mean time you enjoy what turned out to be a very full issue and please accept my apology if the Agent 44DD Adventure isn’t quite up to editing snuff. I’ve been pressing since 11 Pm to finish it  for you when I really just wanted to lay down, close my eyes and dream or bankrupting Donald Trump and Bill Gates.

Oh and Impish? That a rear view shot of me leaving that little island paradise not one of me arriving so keep looking  sucker!

Nighty night all!

  Nope too easy, I’m going to have to let this one pass.

WELCOME to 2015

  • Our Phones – Wireless
• Cooking – Fireless
• Cars – Keyless
• Food – Fatless
• Tires –Tubeless
• Dress – Sleeveless
• Youth – Jobless
• Leaders – Shameless
• Relationships – Meaningless
• Attitudes – Careless
• Babies – Fatherless
• Feelings – Heartless
• Education – Valueless
• Children – Mannerless
• Country – Godless  
We are SPEECHLESS, Government is CLUELESS,  
And our Politicians are WORTHLESS !  

I’m scared Shitless and

 This is “Priceless”.

You Might Be A High Tech Redneck If…

– Your e-mail address ends in “@over.yonder.com.”

– You connect to the World Wide Web via a “Down Home Page.”

– Your laptop has a sticker that says, “Protected by Smith and Wesson.”

– You wire your network with jumper cables.

– Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don’t miss her.

– You’ve ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

– You ever refer to your computer as “Ole Bessy.”

– Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver

– Your spell checker knows words like, “Y’all”, “Yonder”, and “Reckon.”

– Your yard is full of dead CPUs, printers, modems and monitors.

– Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5″ disk drive.

– You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn’t block the velvet picture of Elvis.

– Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

– Your wife catches you again with your “Farm Animals of the Orient” CD-ROM.

– When you order your new pick-up truck with a gun rack and USB ports.

– Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.

– You only buy from Gateway, ’cause the cow boxes are a hoot.

 

Well judging by the pictures, I might be tempted into complaining  her boobs are fake and the fridge has too much lousy beer in it.

 

Green Goddess Dressing

 Used to be a big thing back in the 60’s but fell out of favor for some reason. Makes good veggie tray dipping sauce and dressing for potato & pasta salads besides regular salads.

Makes a great dressing for a big batch of thinly sliced cucumbers & a small/med red onion sliced and broken up into rings. Also great drizzled into summer veggie filled pita pocket sandwiches.

You can change the flavor profile radically by swapping Mayo for Greek Yogurt, using Miracle whip, or adding a teaspoonful of a packet of ranch dressing mix. Also I like some fresh dill in mine or use mint in place of the tarragon.

 

Total Time: 30 min
Prep: 30 min
Yield: 1 1/4 cups

Ingredients

3 anchovy filets, soaked in cold water for 5 minutes, dried, and coarsely chopped
3/4 cup prepared or homemade mayonnaise
1/4 cup sour cream
2 tablespoons thinly sliced fresh chives
2 tablespoons minced flat-leaf parsley
1 -1/2 teaspoons minced fresh tarragon leaves
3/4 teaspoon finely chopped fresh basil
1 tablespoon minced shallots
1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lemon juice
1/4 teaspoon kosher salt plus more
Freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Combine the anchovies, mayonnaise, sour cream, chives, parsley, tarragon, basil, shallots, lemon juice, and the 1/4-teaspoon of salt in a blender. Puree to make a smooth dressing. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Use immediately or store, covered, in the refrigerator, for up to 2 days.

Don’t have any shallots laying around? Use a tiny amount of garlic power and the minced white part of a few scallions.

Chicken Spaghetti

Another old time favorite and staple of pot lucks and food items dropped of  to a family  during a family tragedy. Good served hot or room temp next to a nice crisp salad.

Use a rotisserie chicken and toss a couple bullion cubes in the past water to speed up getting out to the kitchen and the heat. If you are boiling the chicken I recommend going with boneless skinless chicken thighs and defatting them with kitchen snips. Dark meat has more flavor and removing the fat before cooking keeps your pasta from being greasy.  Some frozen peas & Carrots tossed in with the pasta in the last 5 minutes and/or a jar of sliced button mushrooms both work well here.

 

 

 

Total Time:  1 hr 40 min
Prep: 20 min
Cook: 1 hr 20 min
Yield: 8 servings
Level: Easy

 

Ingredients

1 whole raw chicken, cut into 8 pieces
1 pound thin spaghetti, broken into 2-inch pieces
2 1/2 cups shredded sharp Cheddar
1/4 cup finely diced green bell pepper
1/4 cup finely diced red bell pepper
1 teaspoon seasoned salt
1/8 to 1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
Two 10 3/4-ounce cans cream of mushroom soup
1 medium onion, finely diced
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Bring a large pot of water to a boil. Add the chicken pieces to the boiling water and boil for a few minutes, and then turn the heat to medium-low and simmer, 30 to 45 minutes.

Remove the chicken and 2 cups of the chicken cooking broth from the pot. When the chicken is cool, remove the skin and pick out the meat (a mix of dark and white) to make 2 generous cups. Discard the bones and skin.

Cook the spaghetti in the chicken cooking broth until al dente. Do not overcook. When the spaghetti is cooked, combine with the chicken, 1 1/2 cups of the cheese, the green peppers, red peppers, seasoned salt, cayenne, soup and onions, and sprinkle with salt and pepper. Stir in 1 cup of the reserved chicken cooking broth, adding an additional cup if needed.

Place the mixture in a 9- by 13-inch sprayed/greased/oiled/buttered casserole pan and top with the remaining 1 cup cheese. Bake immediately until bubbly, about 45 minutes. (If the cheese on top starts to get too dark, cover with foil.)

If making where youngsters (or oldsters) might object to the slight kick of the cayenne skip it and reach for poultry seasoning instead. For me how much I use depends on how fresh it it but I wouldn’t go more than the 1/4 teaspoon the first time out.

I like using linguini or fettuccini in place of thin spaghetti as I think it holds up better and give a more toothsome feel.

Also you can experiment with different cheeses or cheese combinations in place of the straight sharp cheddar. I make a TexMex version using Rotel and Monterey Jack cheese

Finally if serving hot out of the oven, toss a little buttered breadcrumbs in with that cheese topping before baking to get that nice crunchy crust like on mac & cheese

 

 

Watch the dots at the crossing points change from white to black as your eyes more across the pattern.

Yeah I know we’ve run that last one before. What can I say, aside from Ginny being proud of her backside view and the fact there was a rare Blue Moon in Texas over weekend. Oh I almost forgot, melons are in season too!

Well yeah, given we were going into the triple digits last weekend there were probably a few of Molly’s current favorite beer to be had but that’s not the sort of Blue Moon I’m talking about.

As you can see Impish spent last Friday night searching for me under the Blue Moon. He should have been looking for the little green moon, in the airplane window flying overhead instead.

(CNN) If anything unusual happens to you Friday, you’ll be right to say it was “once in a blue moon.”

The July 31 appearance of the month’s second full moon will be the first such occurrence in the Americas since August 2012. Every month has a full moon, but because the lunar cycle and the calendar year aren’t perfectly synched, about every three years we wind up with two in the same calendar month.

But Earth’s satellite will most likely not appear blue at all.

Typically, when a moon does take on a bluish hue, it is because of smoke or dust particles in the atmosphere, such as during a cataclysmic volcanic eruption.

Today’s modern day usage of the phrase blue moon can be attributed to a Sky and Telescope writer who in the 1940s tried to clear up a confusing definition published by the Maine Farmers’ Almanac. The U.S. Naval Observatory in Washington states that when a season has four full moons, the third one is called a blue moon.

This lunar event will not be seen again until January 2018.

 

the marcels .. blue moon.

asked Impish’s Doctor!

Lethal stares at Mr. Gray a moment before smiling and saying, “Been working on your forced audience entry technique I see. Not bad, a definite improvement, but I still think you can do better.”

“Yeah well I had a hard time concentrating on the new one I was going to try. There wound up being a major distraction in your outer office made it hard to focus on doing something new and untried so I fell back on this more familiar one.”

“Noname showed up?”

“Nah that wouldn’t have phased me. I think you caught Friday by surprise showing up here today. Looks to me like she was off some place sunning her considerable charms and just threw a blouse and short hip riding skirt over her none to expansive swim attire and probably didn’t actually grab her own blouse. As  a result when she stood up as I was giving her the hard time to reach for her Valkrye Axe she blew 3 buttons off the front of the blouse.”

“Ah! Yes. Um-hm I can certainly see how that would be a major distraction issue when attempting and unfamiliar intimidation technique. You did well then, shes done that deliberately as a distraction on several occasions and reduced denizens to drooling dolts reaching for their trousers, I suppose I should apologize as I fear the entire scene was my fault in a way. I knew there was no way Impish would be in the office today, especially with your house warming going on and sometimes telecommuting just isn’t an acceptable method for dealing with things so I decided to sneak in thru a private secret entrance to my office and get a little work done in peace. Beside when I saw Friday earlier I decided that getting by her and her …formidable distractions would make a great no notice field exercise for you”

“That was one hell of a no notice field test I’ll tell you that! Focusing on the fear of the havoc Mrs. Gray would inflict inside my trousers barely prevented me from joining the ranks of the drooling  dolts! How the hell do you manage to withstand it?”

“First time it happened, I just dropped my trousers and Y fronts, said if you’re going to show me yours its only fair I show you mine. Then we spend a day and a half locked in my office after that in nonstop intense private negations exploring various the positions and permutations of our Employer/Employee office dynamic, came to an mutually satiated arrangement and everything has been fine ever since.”

“You mean you and…multiple times and positions?…for a day and a half?…nonstop?…I’ll…”

<BUZZ! BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ! BUZZZZZ!>

“Yup right on time. Hold the rest of that comment of Bro admiration for me while you come to terms with that bit of information just a moment please. Take a seat. <slides humidor across the desk> Have a cigar, this will only take a minute.”

<CLICK!> “Yes Friday? Exactly what part of ‘do not disturb me’ did your apparently still on sunning your buns mind fail to comprehend? “Sir sorry to interrupt but Noname is out here requesting your lunch order. He’s most insistent and I didn’t think you’d be happy with a repeat of earlier.”

“Ah yes quite right. Good point. Let me see…I think I’ll have a Veggie Bacon BLT w/ Vegimite on a Gluten Free Pita, Tofu Fries with Hummus and a Wheat Grass & Goji Berry Smoothie with Flax Seed.”

“Sir Noname says he just threw up in his mouth a little .”

“Tell him I said  chance favors the prepared stomach..as does Andrew Zimmer. We can’t all be food snobs like Tony Bourdain.”

“He’s smiling sir and said he’ll be in his office should you need him for anything further he flat out refuses to even utter that food order.”

“Very good. Thank you Friday and thank Noname for me… if you can drag his attention away from your distractions being on display.”

“Eep! Ah err.. yes sir! Thank You sir.”

“Thank You Friday”

Lethal turns his attention back to Mr. Gray.

“Now where were we Gray?”

Mr. Gray sits upright in a leather club chair legs crossed intently looking at Mr. Green with his right hand inside his dove gray suit jacket and a large fat cigar held casually in his left.

“Excellent cigar  Green, thank you very much. I’m really looking forward to being able to legally obtain Cubans once more and hopefully at a far more reasonable price. Was that, I fervently hope, a duress code test and not you’re actual lunch order? There isn’t about to be some serious unpleasantness just because I didn’t have an appointment and barged my way in here is there?”

” Yes it was ruse to see if I was under duress. My voluptuous and devoted assistant takes umbrage at people, even Impish barging into my office when I say I don’t want to be disturbed. Plays hell with her quarterly performance bonus and you know how girls love their mad money for shopping sprees. Apparently she tripped the silent alarm in response to you’re costing her at least one pair of Manolo Blahniks. She was hoping no doubt to see NoName and the Spectral Warfare Team drag you out of here wrapped in my rug heels first.

You won’t ever find these cigars on the open market. I own both the tobacco farm as well as the rolling facility those are made in. The entire growing and manufacturing process is a closely held secret but I will tell you this much- the wrappers are the finest available Connecticut shade grown leaves and are hand rolled between the lustful thighs of some extremely horny young Cuban virgins with extraordinary muscle tone and control. And do take you hand off your weapon, I assure you mine is bigger than yours and aimed at a portion of you and your aforementioned wife hold very dear.”

“Hard shot to make with my legs crossed isn’t it?”

Green examines his cigar selection contemplatively before replying offhandedly, “Not really….considering you’re sitting on mine, a pair of 12 gauge shells loaded with flechettes and the remote trigger is part of this cigar lighter.”

Mr. Gray smiles as his hand slowly comes out of his jacket empty, “Well played sir! Please believe I am 100% dead serious when I ask ‘Who do I have to kill to get a box of these from you Green?’. “

“It might interest you to know you’re the second ummm…’individual’ to ask me that exact question today.”

<Chuckling> “Then maybe I should kill my competition for the box of cigars!

Green grins widely with a mischievous twinkle in his eye. “Now that would be a serious bout of entertainment that might be arranged. Would you have any objection to my selling tickets to the event? I would screen the tape at a later date of course and blur out your features if you succeed.”

Gray makes an ‘as you wish hand gesture. “Listen I was serious,when I said we need to talk earlier. Something is seriously wrong. The Impish persona seems to be staging a mind coup. What should more or less be a case of three dissociative identities only vaguely aware of each other now seem to be cross talking with greater frequency and clarity. I’m concerned Impish is possibly attempting a merging of the personas and that’s not good. As it stands now the voyeuristic little shit thinks my life is an interactive reality show.”

“Yes I have been seeing some stranger than normal behavior from Impish (which I realize really isn’t saying all that much) plus the reports from my inside man I put on him have begun to be increasingly disturbing. I was afraid it might be indications of something like this. That’s why I asked you here on such short notice even knowing about your house warming party or as I would have labeled it ‘the decent of the horde of  familial relations none of whom helped you move but will gladly eat you out of house and home like a migrating flock of locus’. “

“Ahem…since this meeting is likely being taped I’ll exercise discretion in the name of marital valor and refrain from commenting on your comment.  Moving right along to safer subjects now, how is Terrance holding up under the strain of his long term assignment? I’m surprised Impish hasn’t ferreted him out as your spy yet!”

Mr. Green opens a folder and slides several sheets of a nearly transparent paper across his desk in Mr. Gray’s direction before he responds.

“As you can see from this transcript of monitoring devices, Terrance did all but formally confess to his activities to a priest in front of him and it went went right over Impish’s head sailing through his horns like uprights on a goal post. The poor fellow is so worked up and conflicted he honestly fears we’ll fire and black ball him /or just outright make him disappear permanently down on Level 6. As  a result I’m going to pull Terrance back and let him rest a while since I had anticipated this far in advance and arranged to insert another operative into Impish’s circle of intimates. This time I arranged it for Impish himself to invite our man in simply by arranging a series of events for which Impish feels responsible and a sort of kindred spirit with our man…or should I say cat.”

Mr. Grey grunts looks up from the papers as he puts cigar to it and it disappears in a flash. “I thought Impish was scared shitless, and I mean that literally upon several occasions, by the Ninja kitties. Why would he ever take one into his confidence? He has to know that their first loyalty is to their clan Mistress and her’s is to you ergo they’ll choose you every time over him. Even his IQ isn’t that low!”

“Quite right. That’s why I arranged for Brutus to take that little trip with him for the field exercise and for him to take that pratfall as well. Admittedly Brutus missed the air bag we had placed for him totally and did  wind up injured but no where near as bad as was made out too Impish. Ever since they’ve become quite friendly and close. I think Impish forgets Brutus is around a lot of the time or thinks he’s sleeping when he’s actually doing the meditative cat thing.”

<Laughing> “Oh man that great! That’s funny shit right there I don’t care who you are!”   < Mr. Gray’s voice turns serious> “However that doesn’t do anything for my/our problem. What are we doing to do about…”

<Mr. Green stands up after filling his pocket humidor and taking several pocket flasks from his desk> “I know what you are about to ask me. Let’s not discuss it here. I’ve arranged for us to have a lunch meeting someplace secure with an individual that is going to help us… contain Impish for a while as well as see that he gets that missing second earring he should have gotten already. I’m hoping that is what’s causing the problem or that once the system is fully online it will be able to counter act the issue for us. I also don’t think from Brutus’s comment that the original earing got fully installed as intended.”

<Mr. Green removes a Blackberry from and inside jacket pocket> “Green to C2B2: How are you and our guest getting along?”

“He’s flatting my springs, stinking up my garage with his obnoxious cigars and every Ninja cat in the clan has come to see him so my interior is covered in cat hair! This really is intolerable!”

“This coming from the car that when I found you was sporting was sporting 100 year old ice cream drips over 1/2 her back seat and a crust of chicken droppings mix with hay dust a good quarter of an inch think over most of her coach work.”

“That’s certainly all true which is why I’m trying to avoid returning to that state. Was there a reason for you call or just to see how my torment was progressing?”

“I’m on my way down with our last traveling companion you might want to crank yourself up roll over in front of your full length mirror and then try activating those black boxes I attached while you were away with me and make sure the whole systems works. If not you got the worlds most expensive clear coating in history.”

“I thought you said they system was locked and I couldn’t access it with out the proper codekey?”

“I’m sending it now then stepping into my private elevator.”

After sending a text message, Green carrying a metal brief case  in hand and Gray enter the elevator concealed in the office where Gray never would have believed it was possible. A brief stop ensues when from a dimly lit hallway with faint distant sounds of kitchen bustle where Mr. Gray is directed to take a large soft sided cooler hurriedly aboard the elevator.

When Mssrs. Gray & Green arrive at their destination. Mr Gray who was prepared (or so he thought) to be awe struck by the sight of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang being a reality experiences severe underwhelmment. The Victorian/Steampunk decorated garage bay appears empty. “Geeze Green you’ve either lost your car or your marbles to say nothing of your ability to play a funny prank, this place is emptier than Impish’s mind!”

Suddenly a deep voice booms out, “Well I guess that answer the question of if Mz. Chitty here has been trying to pull one over my horns. I guess there really is such a thing as a Refractive Reflective Replicating Visual Cloaking Device.”

A faint shimmer can be seen and suddenly C2B2 is sitting before Mr. Gray but that’s not what his eyes fix on. In the back of the car, if C2B2 can be termed just a car, literally side to side sits a giant red humanoid in a warn brown leather duster, smoking a horrendous smelling cigar stub as a horned tail casually flics back and forth behind him spearing the smoke rings the figure puffs out. Two ground down horns appear to protrude from his forehead. While his pate is completely smooth his sideburns beard and hair which he wears slicked down and combed back into a short pony tail is inky black.

“Hey Green about time! Whose the pasty looking guy? He don’t look so good all the sudden. Can’t be my cigar cause he’s smoking one too, which unless one of you have an extra of I might be confiscating.” SNIFF! “Is that” SNIFF SNIFF “your allegedly magical pastrami I smell? Better hand it over now and save yourself the embarrassment of me taking it from you.”

“Duh duh duh dat’s…”

“Mr Gray meet Mr. Red. A tad obvious name I’ll freely admit but given his uh… skin coloration and his size there really wasn’t much of a discussion of other naming options. Mr. Red, lunch will be served when we have arrived at our destination. Mean while….” <Green roots around for a moment in the soft-sided cooler before extracting a 3 foot long summer sausage> “… think of this as an appropriately sized for you Slim Jim to hold you over for the trip.”

“I insisted on Mr. Red because I already have 3 names I had to remember and answer to, Red being one of those. Well, mostly just to two of them. Anybody that calls me the third, well they got really short life expectancies. So your Gray huh? You’re moving pretty fast there Greenie ain’t cha? Things worse than you let on or their been new developments? I thought we was doing lunch. Mmm!  Jalapeno flavor! Good choice Greenie.”

As Mr. Red speaks Green stows the cooler and brief case in a wicker trunk attached to C2B2’s rear bumper slapping repeatedly at the tail which seems intent on investigating the contents of the cooler and double checking the closing straps twice. Once stowed he motions Gray to climb aboard while he climbs into the drivers seat of C2B2 who promptly admonishes him:

“Don’t even think about it shorty, not without a booster seat! I’ll do the transporting myself.”

Mr.Green takes his Blackberry from his vest, points it at a wall and punches in a code. A section of wall slides back reveling a ramp with daylight at its far end.

“Of course my dear, a final trip before I give you to Mr. Red as his personal transportation until such time as you remember whom your betters are and who exactly you owe all this new found independence and state of the art gadgetry too. Now if you really wouldn’t mind moving us along, the three of us really so have an awful lot to discuss and please don’t forget to reengage the visual cloak, you cheeky overly decorated CAB!”

“Ladies and gentleman please buckle your seat belts should you need a booster seat to be properly engaged with the seat restraints…go fly Hobbit Air. We’ve received out clearance for immediate departure and…”

OW! DAMN IT GREENIE! SERIOUSLY? You rat trapped the buckles on the picnic basket? <Grunt> Hey! My tails stuck what gives?”

“Now Mr. Gray and I are assured some lunch. If you’re done with the Yard ‘o Beef stick already then here suck on this cigar for a while.”

The car immediately lurches forward and into the air!

“No smoking sign is lit! Please do not smoke while we’re aloft!”

A short while later they appear to arrive at their destination.

“Gentleman we’ll be landing momentarily please return your seats and trap tables to their upright positions and thank you for inconveniencing me by insisting on flying Bang Bang Airwhines. Wait! ‘Airwhines’? How did that wind up in my dictionary?!”

Mr. Green turned to the other two winking broadly. Once  C2B2 has stopped and shut down Red hops over her side and stretches as Blue stands  up and looks around.

“This place looks familiar but wrong somehow isn’t this where…”

“Used to be. With Impish acting so strange and knowing where it was we decided to close this one up for now and move to the M.R.N.M. location facility.”

“Aren’t you taking a chance telling me that? He might learn it from me if things get any worse. “

“Not really…Mr. Red if you please?”

Gray feels a large hand clamp on his head. “Hold still pasty, believe me anything you try to do will wind up hurting you more than it does me” A pair of large stone fingers surprisingly delicately examine Gray’s ear with the grey flat stud in it. “Yup its just like you figured Greenie, the incomplete installation carried through to all his forms. Want that I should…”

“Please do Red, and gently mind you. We don’t need anything damaged.”

“So glad you’re worried about my comfort and pain level green since I’m a prisoner to what ever HOLY SHIT! HE SAID GENTLY! What part of no damage you have a problem understanding?!” Red releases Gray and takes a step back.

“He was referring to not damaging the earing, not you.. Sorry but it wasn’t fully seated so it wasn’t making full contact, you got fat ear lobes and the hole was pretty much healed so I had to sort of semi re-pierce your ear for you. Plus there are a whole bunch of electrode thingies-somthings that needed to pierce your skin. I’ll admit earlobes are pretty tender even mine, but man up already Pasty face you’re embarrassing yourself!

Gray grumbles a bit about liberties being taken on and with his person then suddenly stops cocking his head as if listening to something far distant from him. “Hey I can still sense/hear him but its like there’s a wall between us now…a really thick well built wall. Oooo! I don’t think he’s happy he’s lost his favorite reality show mid party either!”

“Gentleman enough Impish for the moment I want to enjoy my lunch and he’s really not fit meal conversation.”

The soft sided cooler is opened and Green starts distributing items. 6 wrapped sandwiches, a family sized bag of Doritos and a 6 pack of beer are passed to Red.

“Mmm! Spicey Nacho! Good choice Green. Hey wait a second! What no pickle?”

“As soon as we get ours you get the rest of the bagful. I ordered 2 spears per half of your sandwiches and 1 each for ours.”

“OK just as long as nobody forgot the pickles. It isn’t a good deli lunch without the pickles.”

Green hands Gray a sandwich a much smaller bag of chips and a large bottle of IBC Root Beer. He holds a Ziploc of pickles open for Gray to extract 4 then tosses the rest of the bag to Red who regards the Jason’s sandwich wrappers with amusement.

“Geeze! You even camouflage your lunch Green? That’s hard core!”

“What’s he talking about, ‘camouflaging your lunch’? What’s wrong with Jason’s Deli?” Gray rapid fired out the questions.

“Nuffin wrong wid it.” Red manages to get out around the 1/2 of one of his sandwiches his jaw is working on. “’Cept dez sandwiffs ain’t frum dere.”

Mr. Green nods and points at Red saying “He’s right, on both counts. The sandwiches were camouflaged and they aren’t from Jason’s Deli. A certain non meal topic individual has an understandable obsession with my private Deli meats, especially my Pastrami. Had there been any investigation the double wrapping with the mislabeled outside wrapper and the sealed plastic inside plus the fact that this is an actual Jason’s Deli delivery transport cooler bag gave me a reasonable chance of misleading said unmentioned entity and our being able to enjoy this lunch.”

“But how did you know that?” Gray asks regarding his sandwich with some suspicion while addressing the question to Red, “What was it that tipped you off?”

Red pauses long enough to wash the 1/2 of a sandwich down with one of the beers before appearing to do a little math on his fingers and grunt. “12 pack would have been better Greenie you know 6 sandwich’s makes 12 halves with one beer per half.”

“Liz made me promise you’d get home sober. Sorry but I have absolutely no interest in finding out what being cremated alive is like.”

Red grunts and shakes his head ruefully. “Heh! The old flaming ball and chain, good thing I love her cause she serious knows how to ride my tail. To answer your question Gray, simple, because I own a few Jason’s and this pastrami and corn beef is WAY better than what we sell and just might really be magical. Plus mine have El Loco Diablo mustard on them, nice attention to detail by the way Green, and no restaurants will ever offer it, its just too insanely hot”

“You?! You own Jason’s Deli franchises? Really? I mean seriously? That really doesn’t seem uh I mean that…uh…I’ll just eat my foot now since its already in my mouth.”

“Yeah I know don’t worry I get that a lot. Real shocker when the big hulking horned red demonic guy turns out to be a tax paying incorporated entity.

See shortly after I convinced Liz we could do the happily ever after and white picket fence thing she got contacted by this financial planner guy who handles only famous mythical magical and paranormal clients. He told her we needed to plan for the future since I was in a somewhat dangerous business. He said he could help us become more financially secure by allowing him to invest and manage our money for us. She was about to flame him right through the phone I think because he wouldn’t take her no thank yous seriously when he said something that caught her attention. He said he tailored each investment plan to the specific needs of each client and in our case his strategy would also have the added benefit of reducing my food expense. She arranged a meeting right away then told me I was meeting with him. Little dude was fearless. Climbed right up on his desk, shoved a pistol gripped sawed off autoloading shotgun I never even saw up my nose and tells me that he’d clean my sinuses out for me if I flicked any more cigar ash on his oriental rug instead of using the ash tray. THEN he tells me to start carrying breath mints cause my mouth wash ain’t making it!” <Green blushes and Gray belly laughs while sparing Green a sideways glance. >

So I figure any guy this sure of himself and that Liz thought was worth listening to should at least be heard out. Damned if his plan didn’t fit my needs exactly too! Now I’ve got, I don’t know exactly how many franchises, nation wide in about 25 different chains. Pizza, Chicken, Burgers, Hot Dogs, BBQ Joints, Sandwiches, Mexican, Chinese, Donuts, Ice Cream, Coffee. From what Liz says we’re going to get some of them sit down fast food places soon too like, that Friday’s place and Chilis.

Dude bought us mostly established franchises with proven track records from people looking to retire or with health problems, anyone motivated to sell and at a reasonable price for a fast close. Unless that is he found a market where some segment was under represented in a major way. We make embarrassing amounts of money and I can eat at any of them for free because we own it. They keep Liz busy with the day to day and I make appearances if the profits dip, unless its because I ate there. Also he got us one hell of a tax shelter set up, also customized to me. We own about a dozen large regional no kill pet shelters, all nonprofits which employ close to a 1000 people and take not only strays but feral and special needs animals. I like to spend some down time while Liz visits our franchises by going to the shelters and socializing the feral cats. Pretty hard for them to hurt this.” (he gestures to his stone arm).

Red suddenly realizes how long and how much he’s been talking about his least favorite subject, himself. “So anyway Greenie what’s in the other case? Dessert? Did I actually talk you out of a box of those Cubans of yours?” Red’s tail sudden produces one and plugs it in the corner of his mouth Gray’s jaw drops and a healthy bite of sandwich falls out This rouses him and he starts cleaning himself off while shooting dagger like glances at Green who pretends not to notice.

Green finishes chewing wipes his mouth and with his foot pushes the case a token distance towards Red. “No that’s the thing. You know the one you asked for that we discussed? I had some down time recently since I’ve been pulling an Impish and phoning in issues to avoid his whining for me to do his work because he’s delusional over Gray’s life, so I was able to finish it rather quickly. Take it easy though you’ve only got about 10 of each type of load we discussed. They’re not exactly off the shelf items you know.”

“HE was the ‘other individual’ that wanted a box of cigars? Green you bastard! The deals off! Gray fumed.

“Relax! I was just setting up the long con joke I knew you’d never have said any of that if you knew who your competition was. Besides you know what the Rules of Acquisition say ‘Treat your friends like family…exploit them. There is no profit in dead friends my friend. But that look on your face when the light went on over you head? Priceless. Now finish cleaning yourself up you’ve got Sauerkraut in you pants cuff and Swiss on you tie still.

Go ahead Red open it everything is in there even a holster for it. I hope you don’t mind under arm reversed draw. Given the weapon and you’re normal gear carry it seemed the most logical.”

Red opens the case eagerly but with great reverence at the same time. “This is my first custom built for me weapon and to get one hand made by Armageddon Armaments Head Armorer himself? Thanks Greenie this really means a lot!”

Gray stands up to get a better look at the weapon as Red carefully removes it from inside the red flocked interior of the case.

HOLY CRAP! WHAT the hell is that thing! Look at the barrels on it! What the hell caliber is it? Gray is both awed and slightly horrified by the weapon. Awed at its construction and simple but extremely functional design, but horrified at the thought of the amount of damage it appears capable of inflicting at the same time.

“That gentlemen is what I decided to call the Dahlgren 25mm Double Barrel Hand Cannon in honor of Rear Admiral John A. Dahlgren another weapons design visionary. To answer Mr.Gray’s question the caliber conversion equates to .98 caliber. It fires repurposed and  in certain cases re-projectiled unused 25 mm grenade rounds, uhh…misplaced shall we say from the Us Military’s XM25 Punisher field trials, so save your brass Red it’s hard to come by.”

“Long relief scope? A scope Greenie you know I prefer to work up close! What am I going to do with a scope? If I play Peeping Tom again Liz has threatened to burn out my retinas and I believe her!”

I’d believe her too, that little firebrand of your can have quite the temper when provoked and gets insanely hot under the collar! However why don’t you try looking though the scope before complaining about it. Here, try it with these new shooting glasses I had made for you. The glasses scope and gun are meant to be used as a set.” Green removes them from the case, handing them to Red.

Red puts them on, insures the weapon is empty and then start looking through the scope at various objects. “Whoa! Now I understand! How many spectrums composite am I seeing? Hey! It’s identifying your species! He swings weapon towards Mr. Gray Awe its broke already! It can’t make up its mind what he…OH! I get it! Ok that makes sense. Hey Bang! Smile for the hand cannon scope! Huh can’t make up it’s mind about her either…Keeps flipping back and forth between Sentient Technology and non Corporeally possessed machine.”

“That’s because I’m a complicated entity!”

“Nah that’s just woman speak for you can’t even make your mind up about your own self!”

This garners a round of chuckles from all male present and a rude horn sound from C2B2 which has the effect of eliciting another round of chuckles from the males.

Red turns his attention back to the Dahlgren 25mm’s inspection. “Yeah this should do the job alright if he decides not to come quietly if or when the time comes and goes all Big Blue on me. How do I tell the rounds apart?”

“The primers orange are explosive, red are lethal with the silver tips being a mixiture of Cold Iron and Blessed silver pellets. Red primer with the flames on the tip are Dragon’s Breath with delayed detonation, they’ll travel about 50 feet before throwing a 25 foot tongue of white phosphorus, tungsten and metallic Sodium. Green are nonlethal. Green with 4 pronged tip is a tazer cartridge yellow tipped are expanding glue foam- there’s a spray can of solvent in the case with those and a little goes a long way. Orange caps are a Mace & Ghost Pepper combo- don’t be down wind of this as its formulated to be extremely persistent as well as hard to remove. The speckled caps contain multiple tracking agents suspended in a aqueous gel. Blue primers are tranquilizing, the white tips being aerosol dispersing . The flat nose tips are injection darts but unlike most which are piston driven and require a needle these contain a small CO2 charge to deliver the tranquilizer not unlike those public health immunization guns. Simple contact between business end and skin will set it off so technically you can just jab it against a target if necessary. White primers are flare- check the tip for the flares color. The white tips are illumination flares and will last roughly 1 minute and illuminate roughly  300 foot diameter area initially. No color on the primer and it’s a real XM25 grenade fused to air detonate 75 feet from its firing point and has a blast radius of 25 feet.

Black Primer and black case are kinetic energy penetrator rounds. These are  extremely dangerous, I wouldn’t ever recommend firing these one handed even for you as the retain the full powder charge from the original rounds. They fire a single 50 caliber dart of spent uranium and penetrate up to 2 inches of armor or hide. Their residual radiation block most regeneration abilities and allows for tracking. It will make a hole roughly the size of a man’s thumb going in and dinner plate sized exiting the armor. Anything inside the armored vehicle will require a bag of speedi-dry and a wet/dry vac for collection afterwards.”

The weapon will hold 6 rounds maximum, 4 in the cylinder and 2 in the pipes. You can use the slide on the forestock to deselect the lower barrel. this allows you to load a single radically different round from the others you are using as a back up without worry. Reselecting double barrel mode will automatically then select the lower barrel as the next to fire.”

“How do I set the dosage on the tranqs? I’m not going to have time to do no fancy weight estimating and dose calculating. I’m use to them being preloaded for specific targets by someone else. I suspect Mr. Gray would be a tad inconvenienced to say nothing of extremely miffed if I accidentally OD’d Impish or Big Blue.”

Gray who had been cleaning up the area from lunch while enjoying a smoke break was now giving their conversation his full attention.

“Impish has a high drug tolerance. His party animal attitude has had him taking various recreation pharmacopeia periodically for over a century now as near as I can figure. I saw him ingest enough Peyote to kill 4 buffalo and he just got happy complainant and hallucinated. The tranq round you have have a band just above the brass cartridge which meters the amount of CO2 used to  expel the drug. I’ve been assured there should be enough drug in the injector at maximum setting to drop a pissed off full grown Dragon in 20 seconds. The people who assure me of this are in a position to know as they have risked their lives using it on Dragons in that state. Use the Max setting for Big Blue the middle setting for Impish and the lowest setting for any humanoid up to 500#. They should be out cold for roughly 3 to 4 hours and then complaint and co-operative for roughly another half hour once regaining consciousness.”

Clean up having been done and everything returned to C2B2. the three make ready to mount up and return to DL/LL HQ. Green climbs aboard stops before sitting gets down and finds the paper bag with the Jason’s wrappers in the whicker trunk. He takes it over and carefully pins it  under several rocks moving them just so so a blind man would have a hard time not spotting them if searching the area but hidden just enough not to be an obvious plant.

“That’s ecologically unsound you know.” admonished Chitty. “I was shocked to see how much more pollution there was between when I went to sleep and when you woke me up. It’s sad really to see that for all your technological advances how far you’ve regressed in caring about and for your only home.”

“Yes ma’am you are 100 percent correct by and on all accounts and I am in complete agreement with you on the subject. However what you witnessed wasn’t a deliberate callous act of littering, rather it was a careful and subtle posting of a message designed to instill worry and fear thereby causing confusion and useful panic I hope. Think of it as…think of it as both an invitation to and warning of the need for a self intervention by the message’s recipient. Finally unless I’m way off base I don’t think that that bag will be here by this time next week. I think it will have found its way back to HQ with another.

If you say so. Can we get going? It going to be dark soon and I can’t fly in the dark without headlights and that sort of kills the whole benefit of the Refractive Reflective Replicating Visual Cloaking Device.

“Before we go anywhere I want a straight answer to a couple of questions.” said Gray somewhat contemplatively, “I think I have a right too them since what has just transpired seems likely to effect me on a far more personal level than any of you.” As he says this Gray turns so he can keep both  Mr. Red and Mr. Green in his line of sight which places him in as best a position as he can obtain to exit the vehicle and flee if he has too.

“All I wanted out of this was my personal head space back. OK so maybe all of this was my fault for calling attention to myself by being unable to resist playing Wilson to Impish’s Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor I don’t know. When I did it I thought I was going to be helping I didn’t ever think things would end up like this for a second. But I have to be honest Green you have a bit of a reputation regarding how you deal with problems that are inconvenient, frustrating or a threat to good order and sanity and right now I’m fighting the urge to draw down on the both of you. I mean suddenly here is freaking Hell Boy whom I didn’t have any idea even worked for us, you’ve given him a gun which seems custom made for hunting Dragons and you are talking DAMNED CASUALLY about shooting Impish like it was a forgone conclusion! I want to know exactly what the plan is and I want to know NOW. I was under the impression that the improvement in things fully seating this earring, which I was never informed of either by the bye, was a promising sign and that things would only get better as all the earrings got fully seated in all the ears of what ever the hell the 3 of us are all together. So tell me exactly what your plans are from this moment on with regard to this problem.”

“Look Gray…it’s not like that…”

“BE QUIET! You little green con man. I want to here it straight from the mouth of your bounty hunting demonic golem here. Well Red what are you planning to do to Impish?”

Red slowly reaches into a chest pocket on his duster and produced a small plastic vial with a tiny object inside offering it to Mr. Blue then dropping it on the front seat Blue formerly occupied. Blue carefully picks it up and sees it contains another earring.

Red says very calm and self assuredly “You’re right I am a heavy hitter. They bring me in for all the really big dirty and nasty jobs. For a while and not just with D.R.A.G.O.N. those have involved me being both physically and technologically out gunned. The Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense just doesn’t have the funds it used to because the government thinks terrorists are scarier plus easier and cheaper to defeat. after I retired just like you guys I saw that things were starting to get really bad in my adopted homeland and that all sorts of nastiness was crawling out of the garbage pits we buried it in. So I started free lancing hoping to make enough money to get me some better stuff. Then I met Mr. Green and he told me about D.R.A.G.O.N. I bartered my services for better weapons and access to some high tech. That’s what the weapon is for, not specifically for Impish or anything else, but to keep me from getting my ass kicked as much an as often cause I’m tired of getting up feeling sore in the morning.

As for my intentions regarding you, Impish and Big Blue”, he points at the vial still in Gray’s hand, “my job is to see that earing installed in his other ear fully and correctly as well as doing to his first one the same thing I did you yours. Now we can accomplish that one of three ways, the easy way, with great reluctance or the bang a gong lets get it on way, the choice is entirely up to Impish. Personally I’d be just as happy to do this the easy way and be home for dinner on time. Liz makes Habanero Poppers that will set your hair on fire they are so good. However I took this assignment because this needs to be stopped from getting any worse and especially before one or all of you go fully nutz honking bozo. Ever seen an insane Dragon? Only think you can do with one is put it down. Anyone left standing on your side once that’s accomplished you call that a win. Get the idea?

Now for the kicker, When Dragons get really old there is a chance they’ll go insane. The chance is higher the more of the Dragon’s lineage that has gone in that direction. Let’s just say that when it comes to Impish and a predilection for heading in that direction well if you want to make a bundle for your kids retirement get a bet down now on his dying of old age with his sanity intact.

Yes we talked about the likelihood I’d have to use the Dahlgren 25 on Impish if he goes Big Blue. Damned right we did! A rampaging scared adult dragon whose already shown a proven track record for  illogical and unconventional thinking has the potential to do as much if not more damage than an insane one. Will I hesitate to shoot him if it comes to it? HELLS NO! But ,I’ve promised only shoot  to incapacitate and/or tranq his big blue scaly ass. That’s all, unless of course the fat lady doesn’t sing and things go really really sideways. OK?

“But…but…what happens if you DO have to shoot him? What then?” asked Gray handing back the vial and sitting down heavily.

“Than all I can tell you is he’s going to be really sore in the morning when he wakes up, just like me.”

Green hands Gray one of the flasks he had pocketed before leaving his office. “Here suck on this a  bit and things are bound to look a little brighter. All we want id to fix thing and regain status quo. You in your life and doing your missions and Impish in hios office pushing out quality material annoying the crap out of me and distracting D.R.A.G.O.N.’s enemies with his illogical and unconventional way of accomplishing his missions. That’s it. Besides if anybody if going to put Impish out of my misery I’m sure as hell not farming the job out! Now, any further objections to our going home? No? Good!

C2B2 you drive, I’ll be drinking. Engage the Refractive Reflective Replicating Visual Cloaking Device and you headlamps. In fact put them on high even then select mode 4 for the 3RVCD and lets scare the shit out of some snot nosed twenty-something behind a radar console at NORAD! Giddyup!

Half an hour later, amidst there being more military aircraft in the air in US airspace since the September 11th  2011 attacks. A craft that looked for all the world like the Jupiter 2 from the   60’s Lost in Space television show landed just out side DL/LL HQ and rolled it self inside where once out of sight it transformed in appearance after some slight shimmering back into an empty C2B2.

That was a great bit of fun! I’m going to have to try that aga… OH THAT STINKER! He changed the code again! Hey he erased my memory files for the time we were on that mountain starting from shortly after landing until he told me to drive because he was drinking too the little sneak! Oh well…I’m covered in dirty jet exhaust and bugs I wonder if its too late for an nice wash wax and detailing?

Good Morning Campers!

Well, it’s done!  We are moved!  The old lair is empty and the new lair is full of boxes, but we’re moved!  I honestly didn’t think it was going to happen.  Truly. 

Well, as you know from Lethal’s issue on Wednesday, things are going difficult for me at DL/LL Electronic Media.  I know my issues haven’t been what they are supposed to be lately.  Everyone seems to think that I’m acting out in some fantasy world that I’ve invented for myself and frankly, when I’m sitting here, in this room, talking to all of you, I have to wonder if they aren’t right.

But, when I’m there with this person who is my wife and some kid who’s my daughter, it all seems so real.  And when I come back here, I’ve lost so much time, I can’t put together a good enough issue.

I can’t help but think that something is wrong with me.

I know that I can change shapes.  Little blue dragon, named Impish, who you all know,  and my huge adult dragon size blue dragon known affectionately as Big Blue.  That’s the one that everyone is afraid of.

But, didn’t I have another form?

And who is Mr. Gray.  I know I met him somewhere and for some reason, I can’t help but believe that this human is involved somehow.

At any rate, dear and gentle readers, I’m sure it will all work out.  I’ll try very hard (are you listening Lethal?  You can stop looking for replacements now) to keep my mind focused in this reality.  Not some mythical place called “Indiana.”

Now, how did I know it was called “Indiana”?

It’s so puzzling. 

 

Here’s a great one, full of laughs, to start the day off with!  This guy is the keynote speaker on a conference on Aging.  His day job is a weatherman, but ought to be a stand up comic.

Thanks to our dear friend Ginny for that one!

 

 

 

This makes perfect sense…and also answers why democrats are donkeys

 

Okay, let’s keep going with videos…this one is hilarious!!!!!

What would you do for sex?

 

Tis very true…Beware of Dragons.

 

 

You know, that’s probably the most concise synopsis I’ve ever read.

That’s a really good point.  Everyone keeps telling her to follow the yellow brick road…how the heck could she get lost???

 

Got to love this explanation of religions from Jean…

 

 

 

 

This is an oldie but goodie.  Lots o’ laffs here.

Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin and the second take went without a single hitch.

 

Here at DL&LL Electronic Media, Inc, we are huge fans of the old game Dungeons and Dragons.  The difference in the way we play is that we use real dungeons and real dragons.  This is one of our staffers at the weekly game, getting “into” character.

 

Okay, this was interesting enough we had to share it here…but we also must give the proper accreditation.  This was in an email that I got from makeuseof.com. 

 

 

 

Thanks to Grumpy for these Poorly Understood Laws of Physics:

Okay, this one is crazy cool.  The astronauts in the space station have done all kinds of experiments in the past and video taped them and this one is no exception.  What happens when you put an Alka-Seltzer tablet in a globule of water with no gravity?

 

The “Grumpy Cat” of babies!

He’ll make it!  I know he will!

 

 

 

This one you’ll just have to see to believe.  I can’t put the video here, so you’ll have to click on this link to see a guy jump out of an airplane at about 9000 feet without a parachute…and live.

Incredible!  http://tremendumpictures.com/

 

 

 

Yeah George…I’m really not getting it either.

 

Lethal Leprechaun is sitting behind his desk, pondering Impish Dragon’s fate.

I don’t know what to do with my poor buddy.  He’s been my best friend for all this many years, but I’m afraid that he’s losing it.  And fast.

I know that ancient dragons get either crazy or wicked smart.  And Lord knows Impish will never be wicked smart.  I didn’t think he was that old.

What am I going to…

Lethal’s intercom buzzes.

What is it Friday, I’m very busy.

Um…I know you didn’t want to be disturbed Mr. Leprechaun, but this is really important.  There’s … um… someone here to see you.

You take care of it Friday.  I told you, I don’t want to be disturbed.

In a much lower voice she says, I know boss, but you’ll want to see this guy…

In the background of the speaker you can hear a man’s voice say, “Oh for crying out loud!  Is that his office right there?  I’ll just go on in.”

Lethal is spellbound.  He knows that voice, but it couldn’t be….  He pushes a button under his desk that both unlocks his office door and secures the outer doors to his office suite.

The door opens and a human man walks in and stops in front of the desk.  They look at each other in silence for a few seconds, then finally the man says, “Good Morning Mr. Leprechaun.  My name is Mr. Gray and we need to talk.

As you approach the Conference Room you can clearly hear Impish bellowing angrily, “Don’t hand me that ‘I’m sorry Impish but I don’t know where he’s gone off to’ crap! I swear you tell me that one more time and you’ll find yourself on my lunch menu! That Green Garden Gnome shorted my pay check 25% and I’m damned well going to speak with him about it and right about now I don’t care whose dead body it takes to accomplish it Friday, yours included. I’m too busy with my other real life concerns to have to pay attention to this.”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz… ZOT!… wizz…ZOT!…sizzle…SNICK…hisss>

“OW! SHIT! That HURT! What the hell was that! Ewww! What’s that nasty smell? OH. MUH. GAWD! Where are my forelimb claws?”

You can hear but not make out a soft spoken feminine voice speaking low but pointedly to Impish for a few seconds then Impish speaking again, abet in much different tone.

“Friday I’m very sorry I’ve made you angry, I very much regret having spoken to you in that tone and manner. You are quite right I really don’t need both you and Lethal mad at me and the thought of you as my enemy does give me cause for concern. It’s just that I have so much going on right now in my other life… “ (you hear Friday say something softly interrupting Impish’s litany of excuses for his behavior but can’t make it out.) ” IT IS NOT A DELUSION OR POINTLESS BULLSHIT! Even if it was, Lethal has no right to reduce my salary without prior notice. If funds are that tight that we’re both taking salary hits to pay the rest of the employees, I understand but I should have been informed face to face or at least gotten a memo….”

(You hear Friday interrupt him again but can’t make out the words. Then again maybe you don’t need to as Impish has seems to have suddenly become a parrot.)

“Clause 44, Subparagraph 5 of my contract? Allows for docking my pay when I’m excessively goldbricking for a prolonged period of time? Graduated scale? Delayed invoking it? Seriously?! Behavior  going all the way back to my intervention?! RETROACTIVE?!

Look I know my rights according to our Partnership Contract and I say we are in disagreement and I DEMAND an IMMEADIATE Partners Meeting! Now you get your brainy buxom self where ever the hell it is you have to go and get that little Green Gold mongering Gremlin on the horn and tell him he is DAMN WELL TAKING MY CALL!”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz… ZOT!… wizz…ZOT!…sizzle…SNICK…hisss>

“OW! #$&*! MY HORNS! YOU SHORTENED MY HORNS!” <Wizz…wizz…sizzle> “TERRANCE! You just going to stand there with your mouth open while she carves me up?”

“Sorry Boss but one, I never actually saw her move and two, I’m paralyzed with either a serious case of laser saber envy or fear I can’t tell which. Besides she did warn you not to speak to her in that tone again or you’d suffer the consequences. Well you did it anyway and I see about 3 inches of consequences on the floor still smoking as proof she’s serious, to say nothing of damned fast. As in way faster than I am. On top of which I’m pretty sure Trolls don’t regenerate damage done by one of those and I’m in no particular hurry to learn if I’m right or wrong.”

<sizzle…SNICK…hisss> Again Friday speaks so softly the conversation is unintelligible but this time you can detect a certain level of distain in her vocal cadence.

“He Skypes with you using one time IP proxies?I knew he’d never completely turn his back on the place, in fact I counted on it! But how does he know when to start a session? How does he know you need to talk to him? You write him a note? GREAT! Where do you send it? You walk around with it? Friday is your corset too tight? That’s the most insane thing I’ve ever…NO! NO! NO! I’m SORRY! There is NO NEED for the laser saber to make another appearance PLEASE! Come on, even you have to admit that is the craziest thing… you can prove it? HOW? What are you writing there? A note for me? What does it say?

‘I’m demanding an immediate Partners Meeting so I can whine and bitch about my pay cut and you’re not being here to pull my slack?’ How about we just go with “Lethal I want to talk with you NOW!?’ Not as likely to work as if I’m being humiliatingly honest with myself? SIGH! OK. What do I do with it? Wear one on my chest and back and go the long way back to my office? You’re kidding right?”

<SNICK!…ZZOT! wizz…>  NO! NO! NO! I’m SORRY! There is NO NEED for the laser saber to make another appearance PLEASE! <sizzle…SNICK…hisss>   Geeze! What’s the deal? Are you PMSing or something? Channeling Lethal’s aggression toward me when I frustrate him? Trying to get rid of me? WHY? Start the issue? What iss…OH! Umm…there is a conference room full of people behind me isn’t there? Been there through most of this haven’t they? Uhhh…guess good thing I’m taking the long way back. Think I’ll start now.

Let’s go Terrance you big laser pussy! I guess you’d better tape those signs on me before we go too.

Now pay attention when Lethal calls, here is what we’re going to do, there is more than one way to locate that miserly little shoe elf…”

Impish and Terrance disappear off stage in the direction of the freight elevator. Once gone Friday looks at you people and spreads her hand apologetically, smiles and clicks some control on the podium before exiting herself as the lights dim.

Always liked that Inigo Montoya guy! He really understands what is important in life, family, a good weapon you have serious mad skillz with and an man’s coffee. Wonder if HE is available for a sidekick posting?

Dragons and Liberals at the head of the line please and give me just a minute to don my sap glove!

It seems as though Impish has my yacht and plane watched because he immediately calls and pawns his issue off on me or begs for help with it any time I even look like I might be leaving to get a little well deserved rest.  So here’s the Vehicle I used to sneak away leave Mr. Goldbrick responsible for business for a while before he could come up with anymore bloody excuses and bs sob stories.

The Terrafugia TF-X™

 

Shower thoughts that’ll boggle your mind!

See I wasn’t kidding! I know the thought of her joining you in the shower has already boggled most of the guys’ minds around here. Impish is already sporting that 1000 yard lust stare on his face.

 

Canadians Version of David Letterman’s Top 10

This is so sad; we’ve gone from a proud, strong country to a laughing stock of the world.  Just makes you want to shake your head in disbelief, and, just maybe choke someone in charge.Of course we look like idiots – we are!

Canada’s Top Ten List of America ‘s Stupidity.

# 10: Only in America … could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000.00 per plate Obama campaign fund-raising event.

 # 09: Only in America… could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when they have a black President, a black Attorney General and roughly 20% of the federal workforce is black while only 14% of the population is black, 40+% of all federal entitlements goes to black Americans – 3X the rate that go to whites, 5X the rate that go to Hispanic

# 08: Only in America… could they have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner (the head of the Treasury Department) and Charles Rangel (who once ran the Ways and Means Committee), BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.

# 07; Only in America… can they have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.

# 06: Only in America… would they make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege, while they discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens. (Probably should be number one)

# 05: Only in America … could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be called EXTREMISTS

# 04: Only in America … could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.

# 03: Only in America … could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. Oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).

# 02: Only in America… could you collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a Trillion dollars more than it has per year – for total spending of $7 Million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.

# 01: Only in America…. could the rich people – who pay 86% of all income taxes – be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.

Bonus: “Only in America do you have to pass a drug test to get a pay check, yet any crack head can get their welfare check no questions asked.”

I’m sure someone is wondering what happens if you do not abide by the Cat’s 10 Commandments. Here’s your answer-

You heard of b-slapping? Well this is claw/paw slapping. It’s one of the reasons Impish is so scared of Ninja Cats. Speaking of the gold brick…

Impish’s ancestor?

A new large species of raptor was uncovered in the Liaoning Province of China by a local farmer. The Liaoning Province is a hotbed for raptor fossils. This raptor has been named Zhenyuanlong suni and was about 5 feet in length. In case you want to learn a little Chinese, the ‘long’ in this raptor’s name means ‘dragon’. Scientists called it the “fluffy feathered poodle from hell.”

Now I’m not sayin’ it is and I won’t say it isn’t one of Impish’s ancestors. I’ll just point out all the blue, mention it was allegedly a rare color in mammals and dinosaurs in prehistoric eras and allow you to draw your own conclusions.

 

63 Years of Math 1957-2020 In America: The evolution in teaching math since the 1950’s

1.  Teaching Math in 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2.  Teaching Math in 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3.  Teaching Math in 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80. Did he make a profit?

4.  Teaching Math in 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production
is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5.  Teaching Math in 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit
of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic
for class participation after answering the question: How did the
birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There
are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok.)

6.  Teaching Math in 2000s

If you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of
race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background,
then don’t answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.
There are no wrong answers.

7.  Teaching Math in 2020

Un hachero vende una carrtada de madera para 100 pesos. El costo de la
producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

 

 

The Top 5 Features of a REALLY Smart Phone

5> Is able to convince the police that while YOU may be drunk,
   IT was, in fact, driving your car.

4> Can actually tell which Olsen twin is Mary Kate and which is
   Ashley.

3> Wingman App: You stammer, “Hi… umm… you’re cutely pretty.
   I mean, pretty cute.” It translates to “Your beauty has
   rendered my owner nearly speechless. You really should
   kiss him before he says something else really stupid.”

2> Refuses to let you buy a ticket to Dane Cook performances.

and The Number 1 Feature of a REALLY Smart Phone…

1> Posts a status update of “I’m the idiot on the interstate
    texting on my phone and driving!” to Facebook when, in fact,
    you are.

British humour as it used to be : Absolutely and unapologetically politically incorrect.

……………………………………………………………………………………………

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting in some ‘Tide’ washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.

————————————————————————-

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London … Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

————————————————————————-

Following the riots in Tottenham, it’s important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists.

Many are drug dealers.

————————————————————————-

Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements

————————————————————————-

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.  Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.

————————————————————————-

They’ve had to cancel the pantomime ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London.  Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.

————————————————————————-

Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.”  But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!

————————————————————————-

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.

————————————————————————-
During last night’s high winds an African family was killed by a falling tree.   A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.

————————————————————————-

Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.

————————————————————————-

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.  How could anyone stoop so low.

————————————————————————-

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.  I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

There was a young lady named May,
Took a stroll in the park by the bay.
She met a young man,
Who fucked her and ran.
Now she goes to the park every day.

There’ a starlet who’s still in her teens
Who’s adept at removing her jeans.
And in X-rated flicks
So accomplished with pricks
That she steals all the pictures’ obscenes.

When asked to do something salacious,
She answered, “Of course not! Good gracious!”
But the sight of his tool
So induced her to drool
That her view, in the end, proved fallacious.

A myopic tree surgeon named Lee
Trapped an agile young wench in a tree.
Jeered she, “Shift your whopper,
You careless limb lopper!
That’s a moss covered knothole — not me!”

You’re about to get up and leave when Friday’s image pops on the screen and she speaks to you:

“Lethal just sent me this video file. It appears to be from cameras in Impish’s office but I doubt Impish is aware of them. I thought since you people were held captive for the opening act of this farce you should at least get to see the comical ending to it. Enjoy!”

The screen flickers a moment and there is now a high sort of 3rd person aspect shot of Impish’s office taken from someplace behind and above him seated at his desk. Terrance walks in to Impish’s office after knocking.

“Make it fast Terrance I’ve got to go meet the witch from the property management company and turn over the keys to my former real life place, then go shopping for some curtains for the new place because the old one clash with the new wall colors and….”

“Yeah yeah yeah what ever deluded dude… uh Impish… uh Boss. Sorry. Uh..anyways I did like you said.”

“And…”

“You ain’t going to be a happy dragon sir.”

With which part?

“Uh..both?”

“SAY WHAT?! You couldn’t find the location from that Skype still I took? SERIOUSLY? How is that even possible?! Hell there was even a street number in one of the photos. Lethal told me that the software had access to photographs of 97.5% of the major population centers of the world!”

“Oh I found it sir. even confirmed it. Matched it against the exact same photo online 100% identical match. That’s the problem sir, it was a 100% match which is statistically impossible. Any slight variation in camera height, position, distance from background, will all cause the match to be something less than 100% but this was a true 100% match.”

“I don’t follow, even I could tell the location was in England and someplace fairly expensive. So what’s the big deal? Gimme the location I’ll zip over grab up his green little ass take him on a flight he’ll never forget and tell him I’ll drop him if he doesn’t come up with the rest of my money and stop having this little temper tantrum of his over my having other priorities in the real world.”

“Sir as the best paralegal advice you’ll get in the absence of Lethal’s lawyerly advice might I urge you in the strongest permissible terms to stop making loud public references to this other life of yours? It’s for you own sake and with your best interests in mind I make this suggestion.

Secondly, sir the address 11 Savile Row London has nothing in common with the photo that you grabbed from the Skype session with Lethal. In short sir. you’ve been hosed, hoodwinked, short conned, taken for the fool you are, how ever you wish it phrased, Lethal has out witted you again.”

“But you said you had a 100% match! How can that be then?”

“Yes sir I said I matched the picture but not I wasn’t able to match up the location to more than 50%.”

“Terrance you’re starting to confuse me annoy me and make me late for my appointment! All this is making me PECKISH!”

“OK, let’s try this with photos instead of words sir. This is the photo from your conversation with Lethal:”

“Right that’s the place! How hard can it be to find?”

“Sir THIS is how 11 Savile Row London appears on Google Maps taken in June of this year:

“Well that looks nothing like the place! Are you sure that’s right?”

“Very sir. Perhaps this photo will help explain. I’m sure you’ll remember this one. If you’ll just take a moment to compare it with the first photo I’m sure all will become clear.”

“ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT LITTLE CONNAMARA CONMAN GREEN SCREENED ME FLAUNTING IT RIGHT IN MY FACE WHILE HE WAS DOING IT TO ME AND I FELL FOR IT?”

“ I’m afraid so sir, and that’s not the worst of it. Not only did he use throw away IP Proxies,  but when I back traced the IP number he used because I thought I recognized it as one of ours, I found it was the one assigned to that antique car you recently acquired. So I went down to see if he’d installed a piggyback on it or something and well…”

“What, he’s using my own damned car against me?”

“Honestly sir I couldn’t tell you. I went like I said but the bay is empty. In fact maintenance was asking if they could use the bay as the car’s been gone well over a week.”

The sound suddenly mutes Impish’s reply as the message scrolls >>Prolonged string of expletives & profane terroristic threats against Lethal Leprechaun have been censored to maintain our PG Rating.<<

“I’m glad you took that so well sir because there is that other thing you asked me to look into. Regarding Clause 44 of the Partner’s Agreement?”

“Okay…gimme a second please.” <Impish turns around and opens the French Doors to his private balcony and steps outside. Then camera’s point of view suddenly shift 180 degrees so you are now looking from high above the front of his desk out the French Doors. Nervously and with furtive glances at the door leading back to the outer office Terrance moves to the side of Impish’s desk so that Impish can hear him from out on the terrace.> “You may continue now Terrance.”

“Yes sir. Regarding my review of Clause 44 subsections 1 through 7, it’s my interpretation sir that Lethal was in fact correct in his imposing a financial sanction on you. Further unless our interpretations of your uhh…work output differ substantially in several areas sir, I think he went easy one you.”

“Went easy on me? He docked me 25% of my pay! ME! The <multiple expletives deleted> FOUNDER, CEO AND PUBLIC FACE OF THIS COMPANY! Wait! Isn’t there something in there about earned time off, personal days, vacation time and sick days?”

“Yes sir there is but…”

Well why the hell don’t you just go back file for some of my lost time with those so I can get my 25 % reinstated? DO I have to think of everything around here? I’m moving a family buying curtains driving stuff around on a rented trailer in a car that likes to throw belts while I do it…”

“PLEASE SIR! WILL YOU STFU ABOUT THAT SHIT! There has already talk about putting you back in that padded cell at the Hokey Pokey Clinic. This time sir it will be an involuntary open ended stay because you’ll be judged not only incompetent but delusional and outright nucking futz!

I CAN NOT file for anymore paid time off for you because your in the red 30 days already when it comes to that! Now before you explode let me caution you about Clause 44 Subsection 7 which is going to come into effect very soon unless I miss my guess.”

“Pffft! The Hokey Pokey Clinic! Lethal latest big stick threat. Well I broke out once I can do it again…wait! Clause 44 Subsection 7? Isn’t that the one about forced buy out of a Partner no longer acting in the best interest of the company?”

“Yes sir it is. And unless I miss my guess your about 2 weeks from ticking off all the boxes in the reasons to invoke it given your current behavior and work ethic. When I say ticking off all the boxes please understand I do me ALL the boxes. Lethal could technically do it tomorrow if he wanted to but judging by the contract and his actions to date he’s either showing restraint out of his friendship with you OR he’s feeding you rope to hang yourself with which you keep wrapping around your neck with blithe indifference. It’s going to basically be impossible given your recent track record of distractions and shirking of your corporate duties to legally protest the decision if and when he makes it. I suspect more emphasis is on the when than the if, given your present stubborn mental course to Fantasy Island and outright refusal to take any advice about it sir to be frankly honest.”

“So they all think I’ve gone full goose honking bozo? Really? Are you sure? Do you have any idea why?

“Look, I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but you’re my boss and I sort of like you. When you’re actually here, both physically and mentally you can be a fun guy to be around. I’m doing this because I really want to see you get the help you need and come back to us 100%. I know the whole Pie Addiction Intervention was probably pretty hard on you and Lethal tends to have a Napoleon Complex about getting his way and getting things done around here. I get that its stressful and you need to have some refuge from that stress but to totally forgo reality? Frankly that’s a bit much sir even for a dragon.

Anyway a couple times I came to your door and I heard you talking but I knew there couldn’t be anyone in the room with you because you had said you were tired from everything going on in your…you know… and were going to take a nap.

When I listened to try and figure out who it was and how long to give you before I came back I could only hear your voice and you were talking to someone named Mr. Gray. When I checked the phones none of the lines to your office were lit. Since you had left your cellphone with me to answer so you wouldn’t be disturbed. I thought you might be in the process of replacing me or that this might have to do with that super secret hush hush business you and Lethal have going on on the side. You know the one you return from a lot of times worse for wear with that weird vest of many pockets on. So I asked Friday about it. When I did she turned this weird color of pale green and practically put me in an arm bar then dragged me into Lethal’s office and made me tell him what I had heard. Lethal looked really sick by the time he stopped asking me questions too. Just like you are starting to now.

Then he told me that I would always have a job here as long as I kept my eyes and ear open and my tongue between my teeth unless I was telling him what my eye and ears had learned. He ushered me out of his office and told Friday he was going to the special section of the garage. The section where you kept that antique car up until about a week ago.

Friday told me to go back to my desk and act like nothing was wrong or she’d see to it the only time Wednesday stopped by for pizza and video game night was when she was PMSing and wanting to beat the living hell out of something.

Now if you’ll excuse me sir, I have to go clean out my desk and update both my resume and will. I’m sure as soon as Friday &/or Lethal get wind of the fact I’ve told you this and violated their terms of my continued employment that No Name will come to see me and I’ll be needing one or the other of those documents rather quickly.”

“Don’t worry Terrance, I’ll square things with Lethal & Friday, or at least see that you get a decent severance package and a good letter of recommendation. This is all my fault and if there is one thing that Lethal understands, always admires and approves of its loyalty- even if its not to him.”

“Thank you sir, but as things stand at the moment, I don’t think Lethal would trust you to square a corner with him. Good Luck sir.”

<Terrance leaves the room on somewhat wobbly legs clearly relieved to be leaving at all. Impish stands with his back to the camera a moment longer before gouting out a stream of flame with a roar of frustration>

“Damned voice in my head. Damned stubborn Leprechaun.  Shit!  I’m going to be late! Damned Property Management Company witch!”

<Impish wings off disappearing from camera view and the picture irises down to a black screen. A message to Friday starts to appear apparently from Lethal but the screen goes totally blank before you can read all of it. You only manage to catch the first couple lines:

 It appears the element of surprise has been lost to us, exactly as we expected.  Apprise the capture team to stand ready at a moments notice. Unfortunately it is likely we will have to employ drastic measures to resolve this situation.

Friday, I want you….

I’m so embarrassed.

I had nothing but the best intentions.

But, as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

This was supposed to be my wiz-bang, stupendous, super colossal, “we’re finally in our new home” issue.  But, although we are in our house, we’re not really IN our house.  If you know what I mean.  We are covered in boxes.  Plus, not everything is even removed from the old house yet. 

Have I ever mentioned to you guys how I HATE to move?

Yes?

Once or twice you say?

Okay.  Well, look.  Today is Wednesday and I’ve just gotten this week’s issue started.  So, let’s jump into the laughs and I’ll add some more of my wit and wisdom throughout.

Speaking of cats. 

When this photo was submitted it was signed:

Sincerely,

The Dog

 

This is our guidance counselor for the school.  He has the ability to look into the future and see what classes best suit the student for his future career.  When the Whelpling saw him, he was given classes on geography and auto mechanics.  Now he’s a truck driver.

 

You have reached the breast self-examination hotline.  Please press 1 now.  Now press the other one. ~Author Unknown

 

 

Who ever thought up the word “Mammogram?”  Every time I hear it, I think I’m supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.  ~Jan King

 

 

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.  ~Carrie Snow

 

You ever wonder how we get more space around here when we need it.  This is one of our maintenance people creating some new rooms by ripping open a portal to another dimension.  After that, she will stabilize it and then other workers can come in and finish the rooms off.  When they are done, you wont even be able to tell where you cross into the dimension. 

 

I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades.  I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds.  By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.  ~Erma Bombeck

 

You would be amazed at how often that happens around here. 

 

This is a great essay by Tomi Lahren on One America News Network (OAN)

 

More golf stuff for my dad and any other putters out there:

 

 

 

This is a great little spot on the “Death of the Red Baron”.  Thanks to Dad, Papa Dragon Most Senior, for sending this one along.

 

 

Well, it’s Friday night, after ten and I’ve not got this finished AND I have to work in the morning.

Sigh

We still aren’t completely moved in.  But, we will be done by Sunday or I’m just gonna quit!

Plus, Mrs. Dragon’s family is supposed to arrive next Saturday for a little get together.  This ought to be fun.

Anyway, I’ll end this with a couple of more funnies and hope and pray to do a better job next week.  Enjoy your weekend folks and let’s all meet here again on Wednesday.

 

 

 

 

Thanks to Jean for this one.  As far as I’m concerned, this is the perfect ending for this issue…

I am sorry that I have not been very responsive lately to your emails. I have been somewhat under the weather since my doctors informed me that I have an acute case of Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic War Fatigue (PIST-AWF). For those of you who do not know what that is, PIST-AWF is a newly defined disease that is found to be widespread and highly contagious.

January 2015 – Doctors at the CDC released a statement disclosing a new disease that has already infected over half of the United States and is anticipated to continue to spread. The disease itself affects the cells of a person’s entire body then goes dormant. The disease ravages the body and leaves serious side effects. These side effects have been labeled as PIST-AWF.

Symptoms include:

* Severe pain of the scalp from pulling your own hair while viewing your president pander to Muslim terrorists.

* Uncontrollable heartburn and/or heart palpitations at 8:00 PM during the O’Reilly factor.

* Loose bowels from swallowing the fact we elected Obama twice.

* Extreme hunger due to vomiting from nightly seeing terrorists murdering innocent people.

* Bleeding from the eyes. This is not Ebola. It is your eyes reacting to accidentally flipping to a channel that shows Al Sharpton as a legitimate news show host.

Since the disease consumes the entire body, every infected person is then identified as the disease itself.

If you feel you have Post Islamic Stress Trauma with Apologetic War Fatigue, please notify your local election board and place your name on the list for a cure. It is expected, and sincerely hoped, that the cure will be available in November of 2016 — that is if the people that are sick of this administration will get out and vote.

As you enter the conference room everything seems normal, with the exception of Lethal’s notable absence, a largish garden gnome mooning the room from atop the podium wit a rather profane message prominently displayed while weighting down a sign hanging over the front of the podium reading:

Diamen~

When everyone has arrived and is seated please push this button.

Thanks

Lethal

As you are apparently one of the last ones to arrive for as soon as you get your coffee and sit, Diamen pushes the large button under the note. Immediately the lights start to dim, the projection screen starts to drop and most startling of all, the gnome starts to move, pull up his pants and speaks.

“About fricken time you all got here! I’ll be a week getting that permanent maker off me bum and all this chalk make up off me! That’s not counting the time it’ll take to thawing out me McGoogles neither- bloody Air conditioning!! That’s the last bloody time I make a wager with that sneaky Leprechaun for future favors against his gold!”

He shimmies down the podium muttering all the while and disappears into the descending darkness.

On the screen you can see a hammock and what appears to be an upscale but idealistic setting.  Parts of Lethal can just be made out appearing over the edge of the hammock. This mostly involves a hand reaching for and then carefully placing back on the table beside it a large Notre Dame coffee mug. The sounds of satisfaction these trips by the mug produce come through quite clearly, as does Lethal’s comments to you all:

Hello folks! You’ll have to excuse my not getting up but I’m bloody tired from being over worked and not paid. Should you not be inclined to cut me some slack, well that’s what the Sharpie comment on Gregor’s arse was for.

4 special issues this  month plus a guest rant for Impish by me already and it’s only mid July. That’s not even counting happenings off blog I’m forced to contend with including a visit from my MiL scheduled to begin sometime today. I figured I was due some time off and since I wasn’t likely to get any with my MiL here post issue I sort of phoned this issue in, by which I mean no Cooking  with Chef Lethal feature, no Parting Shot and likely very little of my personal wit or comments depending solely on my mood.

Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve a full schedule of relaxing this day. I’ve a nice cuppa to finish along a triple berry scone and the end of a good book, some quality time with a cat or two to get in, as well as a pre-lunch/MiL nap to shoehorn in .

Mind you I’m a two year old who can kill you with his empty coffee cup or that blankie half a dozen different ways!

They definitely forgot the empty coffee cup!

 

According to Impish this was how he received his Anniversary morning breakfast after trying to convenience Mrs. Dragon he was king of their new castle.

Impish definitely had some spot on comments about the entire Confederate flag farce the Blacks are crying over in their latest effort to recharge the race card on Saturday. Here’s my take on it:

A Tale of Two Cities:

                                           Chicago, IL         Houston,TX

Population:                        2.7 million           2.15 million

Median HH Income         $38,600               $37,000

% African-American          38.9%                24%

% Hispanic                           29.9%                44%

% Asian                                 5.5%                   6%

% Non-Hispanic White       28.7%                26%

Pretty similar until you compare the following:

                                                   Chicago, IL         Houston, TX

Concealed Carry   – Legal             No                     Yes

# of Gun Stores                            None              184 Dedicated gun stores plus
                                                                              1500 – legal places to buy guns–
                                                                              Wal-Mart, K-mart, sporting goods, etc.

Homicides, 2012                          1,806                 207

Homicides per 100K                     38.4                  9.6

Avg. January high temp  (F)         31                     63

 

DEMOCRAT’S CONCLUSION:

COLD WEATHER CAUSES MURDERS; THIS IS DUE TO GLOBAL WARMING.

Epic lightning during firework display captured in slow motion.

 

Speaking of Mother Nature’s Fireworks, here’s another awesome display captured split second when it happened

Man just imagine if there was a certain goldbricking dragon snoozing under that tree when it happened….

Hmm… Looks a lot like Impish when he accidentally gets shot with my Tesla cannon!

I was in Walmart the other day pushing my cart around when I collided with a young guy.

I said to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn’t paying attention  to where I was going.” 

The young guy says, “That’s OK. It’s a  coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting  a little desperate.” 

I said, “Well, maybe we can help each  other. What does your wife look like?” 

The young guy says,  “Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, big blue eyes, long  legs, and she’s wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What  does your wife look like?” 

I said, “Doesn’t matter – let’s  look for yours.” 

See? Older guys are helpful like that.

 

We need a few of these scattered around where I live, preferably riddle with bullet holes as well.

Texas redheaded centipede has Internet squirming

6-to-8-inch long centipede feeds on lizards, toads, snakes, rodents

If you hate creepy, crawly things, Texas has just the centipede for you.

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department posted a photo on Facebook on Friday showing a particularly striking specimen of the Texas redheaded centipede, proving that everything is indeed bigger in Texas.

The centipede, featuring a long black body, yellow legs and a red head and antennas, took a ride on a broom in Garner State Park, located west of San Antonio in the state’s Hill Country.

The centipede, whose Latin name is Scolopendra heros, can be found from Mexico up into the south-central and southwestern United States. They usually have between 21 and 23 pairs of legs and typically measure between 6 and 8 inches long.

Even though it may look frightening, Texas wildlife department officials said the centipede doesn’t pose much of a threat to humans. Bites can be painful, but usually subside after a few hours of swelling and stinging.

However, the redheaded centipede is a much bigger danger to its fellow animals. It often feeds on lizards and toads and has been known to also attack rodents and snakes.

That sucker is 2 cans of Raid minimum and then a vibrating compactor driven over it to be sure its dead! YEESH! <shiver> Let’s see Andrew Zimmer eat one of those and smack his lips!

 

Or at least mine would if I had one. I refuse to join because the founder and the governing board of AARP use your membership payments to pursue (to the point of actually selling out  Seniors) their own liberal agenda. Think I’m kidding? See here: https://www.google.com/search?q=aarp+liberal+agenda&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8 

Where there is that much smoke there has to be at least some fire someplace and that’s enough to keep me away right there.

Letterman delivers Trump ‘Top 10’ list

 

This could very well come to pass, if we’re not careful!!!!

A message from your Queen …

My faithful subjects….As you know, my dear people, the last year for me has been an annus horribilis (horrible year). The Royal House of Clinton has been tormented by questions about our handling of finances and subjected to tiresome questions about the tragic events in Benghazi in the furthest regions of our empire. And, sadly, also questions about my Royal e-mails.

Nevertheless, I will not be daunted in my desire and commitment to serve you the common people. For the next seventeen months I will be traveling among you as one of you, to listen to your deepest longings and needs. I will be with you in your Wal-Mart stores and beside you in your Burger Kings. I will drive with you down the busy interstate highways of our land sharing your poverty and hearing about your financial needs !

How well I remember the days when the Duke of Arkansas and I were impoverished. After we were expelled from our Washington Palace we hardly had two mansions to rub together. We were so poor we had to remove thousands of dollars of China, flatware, carpets and gifts from the Washington Palace just to survive. Now, happily, benefactors from around our empire have given just enough for us to scrape by. 

During those difficult times we had to cut back when our daughter was married. We only had $3 million to spend on her wedding and I remember our hopes as she moved into her $10 million Manhattan apartment that one day she would be able to move on from that humble abode to something more fitting for her status. 

So as I travel across our land to meet you all, I will be listening and sharing with you. You will partake of the Liberal’s Kool-Aid.  Then when the time for the royal election comes I know you will crown me as your rightful monarch so that we can all live happily ever after!

Queen Hillary

Let’s not forget that her and her philandering husband allowed the military to be disarmed when they could have prevented it. They are as culpable as G. H. W. Bush who allowed the policy to be written on his watch.

Diamen must be of a similar mind because as I was about to put this puppy to press this arrived in my Inbox:

      Modern Healthcare

An Afghan Muslim immigrant in Texas goes to Dr. of Quackery Lethal Leprechaun and says

“I feel terrible.”

Dr. Lethal Leprechaun examines him and then says: “You need to put your bowel movements and urine in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage. After the mixture sits for another 3 days in the sun, put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days.”
               
The Muslim does this and goes back to the Dr. of Quackery 2 weeks later and says:

        “I feel wonderful!  What was wrong with me?”
               
Dr. of Quackery Lethal Leprechaun replied, “You were Homesick.” 

This takes hypocrisy to a whole new level, and could only have been be done in Washington D. C..

The federal government, which has “Tomahawk” cruise missiles and “Apache,” “Blackhawk,” ‘Kiowa” and “Lakota? helicopters – and used the code name “Geronimo” in the attack that killed Osama bin Laden, officially objects to the name of the Washington Redskins.

Really?

The ISS as seen silhouetted against the moon through a telescope and attached digital camera.

A Centrist sane man will question his beliefs to see that they reflect reality, but the Liberal fool questions reality to reflect his beliefs.

 

That’s Thursday the head of our HR Department and one of the Weekday sisters. She’s been hanging around the weight room with the Valkyrie and its really starting to show. Just last week the hydraulic lift the kitchen uses to move Impish’s food tray broke down and Thursday dead lifted the tray herself alone.

From Saturday until Monday Impish has had no internet or TV due to his move. This is a graphic depiction of his withdrawal feelings.

 

At least we have one person out there with a lick of sense and half a brain when it comes to arming our military on base! Here’s hoping other Governors will follow suit!

Gov. Greg Abbott to order National Guard to carry guns on base in light of deadly Chattanooga shooting

Gov. Greg Abbott announced Saturday that he will authorize the National Guard to carry guns at military facilities across Texas.

“It is with a heavy heart that I issue this order,” said Abbott in a press release. “After the recent shooting in Chattanooga, it has become clear that our military personnel must have the ability to defend themselves against these type of attacks on our own soil. Arming the National Guard at these bases will not only serve as a deterrent to anyone wishing to do harm to our service men and women, but will enable them to protect those living and working on the base.”

The U.S. Navy said Saturday that the sailor who was shot earlier in the week at a military support center in Tennessee died..

His death occurred two days after the deadly shooting killed four Marines and injured three others, including the sailor.

Authorities say Kuwait-born Muhammad Youssef Abdulazeez, 24, of Hixson, Tennessee, unleashed a barrage of fire at a recruiting center in Chattanooga, then drove several miles away to a Navy and Marine reserve center, where he shot and killed the Marines, and wounded the sailor. Abdulazeez was shot to death by police.

UPDATE As of 11:00 CST Monday 20 July:

The governors of Alabama, Louisiana, Oklahoma, Arkansas, Texas, Florida, Wisconsin and Indiana have authorized the arming of full-time National Guard members to deter attacks and allow them the ability to protect themselves and civilians in case they are targeted. State Republicans in Missouri have asked their governor to arm the states National Guard as well, however as of press time for Leprechaun Laughs this had yet to occur. 

Sen. Ron Johnson a Republican who represents Wisconsin and is chairman of the Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Committee, said Friday he will introduce legislation “calling for the termination of regulations that prohibit members of the Armed Forces from carrying certain firearms on military installations.”

“By disarming the Armed Forces, gun-free policies at military facilities have made our men and women in uniform easy targets for terrorist attacks,” Johnson said.

Defense Secretary Ash Carter ordered that the military deliver recommendations to improve the safety of service members at home by the end of the week.

Utah’s governor said the National Guard was authorized to carry weapons on military facilities last year. Gov. Gary R. Herbert said in a statement Saturday that he directed the Guard to examine ways to further protect military personnel in the state.

I only hope the remaining 41 Governors will wake up, smell the states rights coffee and get on board with telling Washington to get their heads out of their collective arses and rectify this situation for all military bases world wide!

 

If all ya’ll be excusing me now, ‘tis time for my ‘siesta con gatos’ something which the gatos take extremely seriously and require me to devote my full attention to just as they do.

NO you CANNOT kiss that one Impish, its mine. Go kiss Mrs. Dragon’s butt instead. Need I remind you of what Molly said she’d do with your tongue if she ever caught it out side your teeth within 50 feet of her again? Personally my money is on that industrial meat grinder.