Good Morning Campers,
I’m sorry that you’re getting this written down rather than with me being there. As of the writing of this missive, I’m incarcerated in Guantanamo Bay Detention Center, Cuba. At least, that’s where Lethal Leprechaun thinks I am. To the best of my knowledge, this is what happened.
You remember last week, when I had to leave the presentation, well as it turns out, members of the different acronym groups, i.e. FBI, CIA, etc., came to me for information about Santa Claus. What I really think they wanted is his technology for moving around the world to every single house in a single night. Now, you know these stiff suit and tie guys couldn’t possibly believe that magic was involved, although, come to think of it, I have no idea what they thought they were doing talking to a dragon? How could you interrogate a dragon and not believe in magic?
But I digress.
I told them in no uncertain terms that any negotiations or interrogations had to go through Mr. Leprechaun. They weren’t happy about that, but we whiled away the time waiting for Lethal to show up.
I’m not sure who suggested it, but suddenly there was pie. Mmmm. A nice dutch apple with raisins, my favorite. I offered pieces around the table, but no one wanted one so I ate the whole thing and we went back to playing poker. Things start to get a little foggy around this time, but then I remember more pie. Mmmmm. A nice pecan pie with whipped cream, my favorite. I offered pieces around the table, but no one wanted one so I ate the whole thing and we went back to playing darts. I vaguely remember after that more pie. Mmmmm. A really nice blueberry pie with a crispy crust. My favorite! I don’t think I offered anyone any this time but just ate it myself.
The next thing I knew I was strapped down on this table with these bright, flashy lights and someone telling me to talk. So I talked and talked and talked, but I don’t think the finer points of pie and lasagna was what they wanted to talk about, because they kept getting mad and asking about Santa. So I told them that Santa delivered me pies and lasagna and that Santa liked pies and lasagna and that EVERYONE liked pies and lasagna, but that still didn’t make them happy.
So the lights got brighter and they started playing really loud hard rock music.
I jumped up, started singing on stage and playing air guitar. They got really mad when they came back in the room and I tried to put the leather straps back on my arms and legs before they found out, but they were completely broken.
Anyway, they tried all kinds of things to make me talk, but I didn’t say what they wanted me to say. I don’t think they were asking the right questions.
Finally, Lethal sent me my laptop…but shhhh! It’s a secret how he did that…and some ear plugs so I didn’t have to hear the disco music and Gregorian chants they started playing and he told me that if I could get this issue out he could escape me. So, if you’re reading this I still don’t know whether he managed to do that or not.
I HAVE to get back in time to watch the football games on Sunday. Both the Packers and the Colts are playing and I have some really heavy progressive bets down on both of them. And if I’m not there to cheer them on they don’t have a chance of winning.
So, everyone, please ask Lethal to get me out of here before Sunday!!!
Now, on with the show.
A man approached a female clerk in the department store. “Excuse me,” he said, “but do you have notions?”
“I do,” she replied, “but I try to suppress them until 5:00 pm.”
“Oh, no,” stammered the embarrassed shopper. “You misunderstood. I need to know if you keep stationery.”
“Just until the very end,” she replied. “Then I just go wild!”
So, this came around again and it is one of my favorite performances and songs of all time. It’s also my ring tone on my phone.
Going through emails at work. If it looks like I’m not very thrilled, it’s because I go through a lot of garbage every week to find the gems that I present here to you guys.
Papa Dragon Most Senior sent this test to me, let’s see how you do:
New Senior’s Exam, you only need 4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.
1) How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI’s first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ….
ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?November
5) What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?Dogs
7) What was King George VI’s first name?Albert
8 ) What color is a purple finch? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed?
The email goes on to say, “ME, TOO!” But I had to delete that part, because actually I got 6 of them right. Can any of you beat that? I’m curious to know since it’s all a huge bit of really obscure trivia.
I like this one. It’s really good, from the Daily Caller Website…dailycaller.com Read on dear camper, read on…
‘A PETULANT CHILD’: Former Secret Service Agent Blasts Obama For Blaming Service For Skipping Paris March
You know, we have a school on our premises…well…more like teaching child care…for our employees who prefer to have their children close to them. It has got to be the most unusual school anywhere! Fairy children in class with Dwarven Children, sitting next to troll children, in the same class as….well, you get the idea. Our teachers can’t teach ALL subjects, since there are some purely racial ones that are very specialized, but the normal Math, Science, Grammar, Magic studies are all covered. Anyway, long story cut short, above is a picture of one of our Magic instructors and one of her students in the background. One of the random shots from our yearbook last year.
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they’re ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk – and don’t get annoyed when you start stroking them whilst you are drunk!!
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
14. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
You don’t think Zombies are real? What do you think that is crossing the street?
There are so many laws of physics being proven in this little animation that it’s amazing. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction…what goes up, must come down, also known as the the law of gravity…an object in motion will stay in motion until acted upon by another object or force…I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting, but one of the biggest ones is a law postulated by Robert Heinlein: “Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.”
You know this is a BIG week in football. Both of my teams are in the finals. The Colts and the Packers. But before we get to that, I have to share this picture with you, sent to me from my brother the owl…
I know that there are probably some Dallas fans out there who won’t think this is very funny and for that…
You know, I’m really not that sorry.
And of course we have to have:
Oh shit…someone’s coming. I have to go. Wish me luck!
The following is a copy of the after action report written by the Lethal Leprechaun team. The report has been augmented with copies of the radio recordings, personal observations and by hacking into the video surveillance system.
You’re being subjected enhanced coercion. Chained out side the mess hall after 5 straight days of tofu and decaffeinated coffee while being questioned and physically harassed you are forced to watch as pies are baked.
In addition, the exhaust from the mess hall has been attached to a blower and is vented into your cell. The placemat on the tray you receive each night is the mess halls menu for that day.
Suddenly there are some sirens in the distance and a great deal of activity. You are unchained after having what you originally thought was a large cattle prod which turned out to be a Klingon Pain Stick brandished meaningfully in your face.
“Just remember what happened that time you tried to fly off with us hanging on your leashes Dragon” one of your captors says as he gestures at a third guard some distance behind with what looks like a loaded RPG with a glowing tip the same color as the Pain Sticks. Who knew you could launch a pain stick that far? You hope Lethal never gets wind of these things, his damned magical shillelagh might hurt like hell and leave bruises sure but these things make you feel like your blood has turned to acid and causes your muscles to forget what they do. If Lethal ever got ahold of one of these and back engineered it your antics and adventures would soon come to an abrupt painful halt. You make a mental note for the tenth time, once you get free, to use your influence as the Draconian ambassador to the Mundane Realm to have these things outlawed rounded up and destroyed. Hell you plan on driving the vibrating compactor that crushes them all and personally flaming the remnants into slag.
As you’re herded and prodded in the direction of your cell, you lumber and plod as slow as possible without giving them reason to use those Pain Sticks while desperately looking for a chance to escape.
You’re starting to wonder if that E & E course Lethal made you take for 3 weeks in the swamps of Florida with those Green Berets was just his idea of a joke because these guys seem to know every move you were taught and have at least 4 counter moves for each one you try. Suddenly the radio on a captors hip crackles to life. Part of the message is unintelligible but you manage to make out the words “is down”, “found under a dozen frozen mackerel” and finally five words that give your heart hope if you heard them right “bound and gagged with yarn”.
Just as your two captors trade glances of incredulity at this report comes a loud arcing sound followed by the distinct odor of burnt ozone and the loud cluck of relays dropping out followed a split second later by darkness.
You are immediately prodded with an activated Pain Sticks causing the wings you were unfurling to snap back closed in spasm. You hear the hum or the Pain Sticks increase which you are pretty sure means they are now set at or close to maximum level just as the captor to your rear says “Use of lethal force is now authorized to control Mythical prisoner Impish Dragon.”
“You heard it garbage breath- just give us a reason, you got any idea how much mileage I’d get out of killing a Dragon with one of these, career wise? Hell at the very least I’d never buy another drink again in my life just from retelling the story. Now hurry up stop trying to delay us or I’ll break this thing off in your ass just to see you dance around like Barney.”
You notice a few shadows that seem to be flowing in the same direction you are. Is it your deprived physical state or your tortured mind that make some of those shadows appear to have tails?
Your cell block is lit by emergency lighting but the power to all the cell doors seems to still be on as the Guard behind the security booth opens the door to your cell as you and your escort enter the building.
He’s too eager to pass his latest bit of gossip on to your minders to notice the 4 shadows that skulk down the sides to the corridor, soundlessly disappear into your cell and disperse.
“Did you hear? The whole camp’s power grid is down! Reports claim it was a localized snow storm of glittering glowing snow flakes. AL Gore was right this Global Warming thing is really getting out of hand! Who’d ever believe snow in Cuba!”
Despite the rough treatment and encouragement to speed up your pace despite the shackles you begin to smile. Unless God has a seriously warped sense of ironic humor or this is the Apocalypse, you figure your liberation is at hand. You enter your cell and turn around reentering the narrow area which you enter and exit through which seriously restricts your ability to move to have your shackles removed.
One guard reaches to do so but the other frowns.
“Better leave those for now until this alert is over. We got to come back for him it will save time. From what I hear Holder told the Base Commander that he has orders from the Obama and DNC that either the Dragon talks and tells us where to find Santa and his Christmas Travel & Delivery Technology and starts spying on the Leprechaun or he gets fed to the Towelheads. CLOSE CELL 3!”
The cell door slide across the opening with a crash reminding you of a guillotine blade coming down and you hear the eight locking bars engage the door. You hastily back up as the red beacon above the door starts rotating indicating the anti-personnel mines which prevent you from approaching the door other than when they want you to enter or exit are about to arm themselves. Considering all the fail safes that are built into the cell you suspect that Lethal may well have had some sort of a Think Tank consulting contract to help design it. As you clear the opening backing into your cell something at the edge of your vision detaches itself from the beacon and lands on you snout startling you. Reflexively you start to shake you head and open you’re mouth to yell when a sharp piercing pain erupts suddenly in your ear lobe and 2 glowing red eyes appear in front of your now watering ones and a semi familiar strident voice hisses “Merr…NO!” this is followed by a face slap with a tail that feels like it’s wearing body armor.
You hear noise behind you and start turning around rapidly only to have you snout erupt in 10 points of paint and another insistent “Merrr…NO!” hissed at you followed by a furious tail lashing to your head.
Yup that tail is definitely armored somehow, your sure of it now. As you remain perfectly still in the menacing glare of the 2 red eyes you’re pretty sure you hear the faint sound of sleigh bells in the distance followed by more shouts and several explosions. Also the air in your cell is decidedly colder. Is that frost you see forming on the window bars out of the corner of your not daring to move eye?
As you stare at the glowing red eyes trying to make out the face they are attached to you feel something furry winding around your ankles followed by the distinct SNICK of the locks on the leg shackles and a CLUNK each time one hits the floor. Once the sounds of the shackles being dragged out of the way stops the ten points of pain have retracted from your snout and you feel your tormentor carefully make its way up your face over and/or though your horns where it turns around, literally in its own foot prints only to circle around the back of your head to your right side and begin tickling your ear with a cold wet nose and an apparently prodigious set of whiskers. Suddenly you faintly hear a crackling and a familiar voice.
“Rescue 1 to Impish…you order a pie delivery? Come on Chai! Get Impish that ear wig- we’re having a way harder ON YOUR RIGHT BLITZEN! ROLL OUT LEFT! ROLL! ROLL! DASHER CHECK YOUR SIX! Break! Break! Lethal to all Ninja units- Expedite Extraction. If you don’t have him in 2 minutes follow exfil plan Delta 3. I say again, 2 minutes or Delta 3 and we’re out of here he’ll have to hang on until we come up with something better. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD BEJESUS! WAS THAT MIG CLOSE! Lethal to Chai- I need a SITREP! We good to go or not?!”
You feel a sudden swat to the ear followed by a tail swat to the back of the head. As you are about to complain you didn’t do anything you hear an emphatic “Merr…NOW!” just before you feel Chai leave your back while at least 2 other cats climb up it trailing something.
“Impish Dragon to Rescue 1- COMMs up! Response code: No I ordered the All White Eggplant and Anchovy Pizza with extra Pistachio Ice Cream.” NOW GET ME THE FUCKING HELL OUT OF HERE!”
“Rescue One to all Rescue elements- Contact made Identity confirmed Extraction in progress. All ground elements execute plan 4 at 30 seconds from my mark, then head for your exfil locations. Reindeer flight- form up on us, we’re going to have to make a low and slow over the compound. We’ll need your protection before you break off for exfil pick ups. Lethal to Impish: cats have an accessory for you put it on fast then try very hard to understand what they want you to do and do it very fast we’re…RUDOLPH PULL UP HARD! ”
As Lethal directs what sounds like an aerial battle that is quickly turning against them, two of the cats are carefully climbing all over you periodically whacking you to direct your attention to what they are doing.
Quickly you recognize a modified version of your Christmas Santa’s Sleigh pulling flying harness and begin rapidly as possible securing it to yourself. As soon as it is, 3 cats begin head butting your tail in an attempt (you hope) is an effort to turn you around. As you start to you feel sharp fangs nip the end of you tail causing you to raise it quickly and just as quickly lower it again where it is nipped harder.
“Ok! Ok! I get it! Tail up! I’m not a cat you know mine drags!” This gets you 4 glares, 3 sets of scratches in the stone floor and another tail whap up side the head where the 4th cat now sits between your horns.
The cat on you head leans towards your ear with the earwig and yells “MEOW! Purr….purr meroowww….NOW!” Apparently this comment is not meant for you but rather for Lethal because he almost immediately responds:
“Rescue One- message received and understood. ALL RESCUE ELEMENTS EXECUTE PLAN 4 IN 30 SECONDS….MARK! Break! Vixen those 2 HUMMVES on the Dock! That’s where the Optically Guided Fire is coming from you’ve got to take them out or we’ve toast when we make our low and slow! WE’RE HIT! WE’RE HIT! RESCUE ONE IS TAKING TRIPLE A FIRE! VIXEN, PRANCER TAKE OUT THOSE BLOODY HUMVEES NOW! Break- Chai! We’re at our IP making our inbound turn now, light them up and get Impish centered- we can only make one try at this; it’s getting absurd up here with the Cubans, Russians and the US all pissed at our showing up unannounced and throwing this surprise party.”
You see the cats are urging you into the center of a partially erected circle of candy canes that smell anything but like peppermint, in fact they smell a lot like a combination of fresh powder snow lavender, sage gingerbread and Lethal’s workshop if such a thing is possible. A grey stripped foreleg terminating in one of the largest paws tipped with a set of the most terrifyingly long and sharp claws you’ve ever seen that close to your eyes extends from above your brow and points to the center of the circle as a tail repeatedly whaps the back of you head to the repeated chant on “Mrrow! Now! Now! Nooow!”
As you enter the circle you’re aware of scurrying behind you. Suddenly the candy canes all start glowing and their spiral strips revolving like barber poles. Simultaneously you feel 12 paws scampering up your tail and burrowing under your furled wings to a spot where one of the modifications were made with a large patch of the fuzzy side of velcro. You’re aware of slightly more weight between your wings now, not a lot maybe 50 or so pounds.
As you hear Lethal in your ear say “10 seconds from pick up, IMPISH! No pressure but the second you feel weightless- start flying or we’re going to crash and either die or live the rest of our tortured existence in your cell block! 5 seconds out”
You hear the observation port on your door slam open followed by cursing and swearing. You gather there is some difficulty with the security controls and possibly the guard in the booth as well. You hear a chime presumably from one of the candy canes and as you turn your head back to see what it’s about two things occur, first you see a large ball of yarn appear above your vision and arc towards the restricted entryway where the proximity sensing AP mines are. As you start to yell “NOOOO! “ Suddenly everything shimmers, your stomach drops and simultaneously you feel both weightless and pushed quite fast from behind. By the time all these things register you hear Lethal screaming over the wind
“ I said start flying you bloody Dragon! FLY NOW OR WE DIE!”
As you start flapping your wings frantically you realize you are in the traces of Santa’s sleigh while half of his reindeer are not. Comet, Cupid, Donner and Dancer are helping to pull the sleigh while Rudolph, Vixen, Prancer and Blitzen are flying a diamond escort formation around you. Each of them appearing to have some extra bumps on their harnessed backs and a much large weaponish looking one slung under them. Rudolph catches you looking at him winks and executes a barrel roll, apparently much to the consternation of the 3 lumps on his back because he momentarily seems to be in pain almost dropping out of formation before recovering. The grey striped foreleg emerges above your brow again gesturing to your left. You can barely make out a wind blown “Merrome Now!” from its owner.
Lethal chuckles in your ear and after letting out a deep breath says “SC is quite right Impish, home is to your left. While its only 78 miles to US territorial waters and 12 more to Key West I suggest if you’re up to it we turn harder left and head for Keebler Towers and the safety of the Lepreconian Embassy. I do believe every water craft, refugee raft, airplane, weather balloon and parasail between here and Florida is going to be on the look out for us otherwise. I’m afraid we’ll have to do this the old fashion way too, as those hits we took rendered us structurally unsafe for Santa Speed. We can slip back to Headquarters later tonight or early tomorrow while everyone is distracted with betting on the Patriots to beat the Colts like a herd of rented mules.
Note: At this point the transcript ends, we have discovered that the escape was successful, the dragon is back under the protection of the Leprechaun and the mythological community. It is recommended most strongly that attempts to acquire the information by possessing either the dragon or the leprechaun be put on hold until such time as a more restrictive holding facility can be built.
On a personal note, Mr. Obama has threatened to remove me from all further duties unless this situation is resolved favorably.
~ E. Holder