As you enter the first thing you spot is Lethal sitting on the edge of the stage. He is haggard and decidedly less natty than his usual wont. His coat lays discarded to one side, his tie loosened and shirt color is undone. The shirt on contrast to his always freshly pressed Irish Linen appears well wrinkled and possibly slept in. He’s apparently engaged in serious conversation with some of the patrons appearing somber and far less animated than his normal self.
As soon as you take your seat he weakly smiles at the Patrons before standing to address you all.
Good morning. Thank you all for coming. Let me say first of all that my appearance and demeanor have nothing to do with Impish. A last communication with him everything was going about as we expected. The ‘Visual Anti Addiction Distractions’ I sent with him appear to be working well… (coughing and mumbling) thanks to the subliminal messages I hid in them.
Ahem..uh… I’m going to be honest. This issue is not my best work. Hell it’s likely not even in my best 275 issues. It and my appearance are due to a personal family issue. While Molly and I have known about the issue for sometime recently information came to light which caused the issue to be of much greater concern and made correcting it an immediate priority. I apologize for being vague about the situation but I am deliberately being obtuse out of respect for Molly’s privacy.
It will suffice to say that Molly learned last Tuesday that the correction of this serious issue could be dealt with tomorrow and elected to proceed. While I supported her decision this seriously compressed our time table for preparing for the aftermath of this situation domestically as well as our professional work schedules and increased our desire for time spent together. As a result something had to give and it was the amount of time I was able to devote to the blog. generally I spend about 24 man hours putting an issue together. This one will have gone together in roughly 4 to 6.
Depending on what new information we learn after the issue gets dealt with tomorrow, how well Molly tolerates things and deals with it once back home will determine if you get another second rate issue next week or no issue at all. I am trying to start one now (Friday 3/6) while I have a moment because I’ll be very busy most of the weekend but I have no way of knowing if I will have the time to complete it between now and then.
In the interest of full disclosure and looking at all the possibilities, there is a worst case scenario in all of this where Molly doesn’t do well and I don’t come back at all.
Let me thank you in advance in anticipation off all the comments of prayers offered as well as support & well wishes for Molly & myself. Please understand if I do not publically acknowledge, respond to or thank you for them. I’m not being stand offish callous mean or curmudgeonly, it’s just that my priorities are and have to be elsewhere.
Since I’m touching on priorities I have to announce that for the first time in over 25 years I will not be observing Saint Patrick’s Day in my accustom manner. The Legendary Lethal Leprechaun St. Patrick’s Day 17 Irish Pub in 17 Countries in 17 Hours Pub Crawl is hereby canceled. There will be no St Patrick’s Day issue this year.
While the problem is Molly’s and I cannot begin to imagine how it is for her facing it, personally I’d rather charge an ISIS stronghold butt naked armed with a plastic knife sporting a Star of David tattoo on my chest and a depiction of Mohammad on my ass than to have to go through this with her and support her. Not that I would ever consider not being there and supporting her 110% but it literally scares the crap out of me where as the ISIS situation would merely have me a tad on edge. I’ll take an enemy I can confront even if the odds are overwhelmingly against me to one I am powerless to fight or have any effect on any day. The absolute worst thing you can do to me is render me impotent and helpless in any given situation, especially when my family and friends are involved. It literally eats me up inside and signs of this are already manifesting themselves.
Impish is aware of the situation and will likely have an update for you come Saturday on both Molly and I as well as what you might expect from me and when.
Speaking of the Dragon, he is currently expected to return home in sufficient time for next Saturday’s issue. Though his voice message has caused me some unease as he seems to have some ‘perfect pie’ related theme planned for his return issue.
Finally, before you get to the disappointing non-substantive issue let me remind you that our second of three Friday the Thirteenths for this year is a scant 2 days hence. This time it’s followed two days later by the Ides of March. Sadly there seems to have been a run on rabbits feet, shamrocks and luck tokens in general so I am unable to offer you any to combat any possible ill effects. I suggest unplugging, turning off and remaining in bed from Thursday night until Tuesday morning as you best option for defense. This not only avoids Friday (the 13th #2) and Sunday (the Ides) but gets you past ‘OMG! It’s Monday again- GROAN!’ and right into St Patrick’s Day where I would expect you all to make an attempt at picking up my slack this year.
<blowing his nose and wiping his eyes with a large shamrock patterned handkerchief>
I thank you for you kind attention.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
‘Oh my God – Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband’s home early!’
‘I can’t jump out the window. It’s raining out there!’
‘If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!’ she replied. ‘He’s got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!’
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
Do you always run in the nude?’ one asked.
‘Oh yes!’ he replied, gasping in air. ‘It feels so wonderfully free!’
Another runner moved a long side. ‘Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?’
‘Oh, yes’ our friend answered breathlessly. ‘That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!’
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, ‘Do you always wear a condom when you run?’
‘Nope . . . just when it’s raining
Leonard Nimoy – Highly Illogical
Total Time: 50 min
Prep: 10 min
Inactive: 5 min
Cook: 35 min
Yield: 4 to 6 servings
2 tablespoons olive oil
2 stalks celery, cut into bite-size pieces
1 carrot, peeled, cut into bite-size pieces
1 small onion, chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 (14 1/2-ounce) can chopped tomatoes
1 (14-ounce) can low-salt chicken broth
1/2 cup fresh basil leaves, torn into pieces
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 bay leaf
1/2 teaspoon dried thyme leaves
2 chicken breast with ribs (about 1 1/2 pounds total)
1 (15-ounce) can organic kidney beans, drained (rinsed if not organic)
Serving suggestion: crusty bread
Heat the oil in a heavy 5 1/2-quart saucepan over medium heat. Add the celery, carrot, and onion. Sauté the vegetables until the onion is translucent, about 5 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, to taste. Stir in the tomatoes with their juices, chicken broth, basil, tomato paste, bay leaf, and thyme. Add the chicken breasts; press to submerge.
Bring the cooking liquid to a simmer. Reduce the heat to medium-low and simmer gently uncovered until the chicken is almost cooked through, turning the chicken breasts over and stirring the mixture occasionally, about 25 minutes. Using tongs, transfer the chicken breasts to a work surface and cool for 5 minutes. Discard the bay leaf. Add the kidney beans to the pot and simmer until the liquid has reduced into a stew consistency, about 10 minutes.
Discard the skin and bones from the chicken breasts. Shred or cut the chicken into bite- size pieces. Return the chicken meat to the stew. Bring the stew just to a simmer. Season with salt and pepper, to taste.
1¼ cups lentils
6 cups water
½ red onion, finely diced
½ red bell pepper, finely diced
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 lime, juiced
1 ear corn, kernels removed, raw
¼ bunch cilantro, chopped
1 tablespoon chili powder
¼ cup rice wine vinegar
1 teaspoon cumin
½ teaspoon cayenne pepper
1 teaspoon salt
½ teaspoon pepper
In a saucepan, place water and raw lentils and bring to a boil. Stir lentils to avoid sticking and reduce heat to a simmer. Allow to simmer for 15 minutes covered or until tender. Remove lentils and strain running cold water over them. Place in a medium mixing bowl and add cut vegetables and spices to the lentils. Season with vinegar, lime juice, salt and pepper. Toss well to ensure evenly mixed and chill for later. Serves 4 as a side dish.
36 Creative Cleaning Hacks To Get Your House Spiffy In A Jiffy
Hate cleaning? These time-saving tricks will be helpful next time you move. Or people are coming over.
Sounds like the Government & Military
Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.
Guy behind the counter says, ‘Male or female?’
Customer says, ‘Female.’
Counter guy asks, ‘Black or white?
Customer says, ‘White.’
Counter guy asks, ‘Christian or Muslim?’
Customer says, ‘What the hell does religion have to do with it?’
Counter guy says, ‘The Muslim one blows itself up.’
Pigs, Lipstick and Islam
Think we’re making mountains out of turbans here you liberal loons in the wood work (we know you’re there)? Consider this story then:
Writer and social critic Avijit Roy
Born in Bangladesh, Avijit studied in Singapore and worked as a mechanical engineer in the United States, where he also became a citizen, living in Georgia. He was also a writer and social critic. His Bangladeshi blog, Mukto-Mona (“free mind”), served the country’s rationalists, skeptics, and freethinkers — and provided space for counter-arguments. His ideas met firm resistance: Bangladesh is a secular state, but its population is 90 percent Muslim. “Avijit Roy lives in America,” wrote Bangladeshi Muslim Farabi Shafiur Rahman in an online post. “So it’s not possible to kill him now. But when he returns home, he will be killed then.” It was just one of many threats. Avijit always defied such threats, so he and his wife went to Bangladesh to attend the Ekushey Book Fair in the capital city of Dhaka to speak about his latest two books, Obisshahser Dorshon (The Philosophy of Disbelief) and Biswasher Virus (The Virus of Faith), which were critically well received and popular in the country. After leaving the fair, Avijit and his wife were pulled out of a pedicab by several men and hacked with machetes; despite it being on the street in the crowded city, no one came to their aid. Avijit was killed, and his wife severely injured. Minutes after the attack, police say, Rahman posted photos of the scene online, and has been arrested for murder.
“Let’s not be mistaken about why Avijit was killed,” said Bangladeshi-British journalist Alom Shaha: “he said and wrote things some people didn’t like. There will be more such killings. More people will die because they say, write or draw things that other people don’t like. More people will die until we are all united in stating unequivocally that anyone who commits such atrocities is entirely in the wrong, that it is unjustifiable to kill people who ‘offend’ you, that blasphemy is a ridiculous notion and that no one should ever, ever be killed for ‘insulting’ a religion or drawing a cartoon.” The Dhaka Tribune editorialized that Avijit wrote “books on science and religion that forcefully pointed out the inadequacy of religions to stand up to enlightenment, science, and humanism,” which “inspired tens of thousands of curious minds to know more about the beauty and wonders of science and to be bold enough to question religious dogmas that fail to stand up to reason.” And that’s the problem, it continued: their inadequacy is the “source of insecure rage of the religious fundamentalists; they cannot counter him with words and reason.” Avijit was hacked to death on February 26 for openly promoting reason and thought; he was 42.
NOW, flap them liberal-touchy-feelie’’-“Can’t-we-all just-get-along?” butt cheeks you talk out of about ‘the religion of peace’ for me again!
When we last left our
zero err hero(?) he had been completely tuckered out after a long day and barely managed to complete his diary entry before falling asleep face down in it.
Have decided to ated pointy-face horse. Am thinking of buying DRACME. rocket-propelled unicorn net for job. Thoughts?
Stupid cat vetoed DRACME rocket-propelled unicorn net as “dangerously silly.” Am thinking about alternate plans. Suggestions?
Considering opening bring your own fire restaurant for dragons, calling it Hot Knight Out.
Have acquired the perfect bait for catching pointy-face horse. It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine. And I will ated it.
Need cat-sized princess dress, plus fairie wings and very small strap-on golden unicorn horn. No reason.
Dress never showed up, am going to have to paint cat to look like a virgin-unicorn-fairy-princess-bait for pointy-face horse.
Needed to get large nose-shaped bandage this morning. Had to tell clerk, “No I don’t want to talk about it.” And then, “Bugger off.” When that didn’t work, I ated him.
Perhaps looking at pointy-face horse problem wrong. I’m a dragon, it’s a variety of lunch. I just need to pounce and ated it. Keep things simple.
Ateding pointy-face horse much less fun than wanting to ated it. Tasted like burnt rainbows and soggy glitter. Also, is being very hard to digest.
Rainbows! Oh. My. Dragon. God! Rainbows are coming out of my butt! Stinky rainbows! Stinky! Stinky! Stinky! This is soooo not Sparkly!
OMDG! The rainbow is bubbling and boiling. Something is rising out of it! This is seriously not Sparkly!
Hate stupid pointy-face horse. Has risen from the rainbow-ashes of my lunch like horror-show phoenix…only with horn on head.
Stomach still upset from stupid pointy face horse. Slept the day away, but now up to plot my revenge!
Have been nominated for Enchanted Forest Board of Governors by shoe elf. Ated elf, but did it too late. Already on ballot. [Note: a ‘shoe elf’ is the Dragon language term for a Leprechaun. I was not aware of this incident in Impish past. From now on this ‘shoe elf’ will make it his personal mission to insure every pair of shoe Impish gets for his human form are uncomfortable in revenge for this affront!]
May have to ated polling station.
Cat talked me out of ateding polling station, says ateding should be reserved for actual polti…polict…polst…elected people.
Still not happy about this whole politics thing, but cat is starting to convince me. Says I should see it as Enchanted Forest (Smorgas)Board of Governors and to think of public service aspects of ateding widely among forest dwellers ruling class.
Dwarf from Enchanted Forest builders association came by with voter guide poll. Also offered gold to help with my campaign if they liked my answers on question about new development projects. I ated him.
Cat says I did it wrong, you’re supposed to take the bribe _before_ eating the bagman. I say it’ll all come out in the end. Either way, I get Sparklys.
Ated a potential constituent today. Gnome came to cave. Thoughted he was trying to sell garden services. Bad election strategy, but he was delicious. Does that make it all right?
Gremlins brought me new iPhone that they “liberated” as a propitiatory gift. Sparkly, till it rang—phone company, with bill. So I ated phone, also ated gremlins.
Taking a break from the political thing, went knight hunting. Ated one sushi style and hung the rest in the smokehouse.
Woke up to cave full of owls. Like fluffy who’s who convention. Ated them. Went back to sleep. Stupid owls.