Where am I?
It’s dark again.
I have memories of a laptop and then darkness and then horrible dreams and then a laptop again.
I don’t know where I am, but I know that that Leprechaun put me here…and after I told him I was cured.
So what, if there was a few pies lying around?
So what, if I had a couple stashed here and there?
I’m not an addict! I can quit anytime.
Dark…
Nightmares…
I remember flashes
There is evilness
And that crazy doctor who wanted me to sing with him was there….
A couple of different times…
It’s all so weird. And I know, when the light comes back, and I can type on the laptop again, I’ll have to try and be funny….but….it’s not very funny right now.
I’m afraid there is an evil pastry chef somewhere right now…
baking me an evil pie, that I will try to eat and it will eat me, after squeezing me to death first…
Oh…
Here comes the light again.
I need to finish this writing so all my friends and fellow campers will still know I’m alive, even if they don’t know where to find me…
So please…
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Let’s start today off with a video that Ginny and Paul found funny…I’ll bet you will, too.
Must be New Jersey Roaches…
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Cop. He thinks that he is much smarter than any cop because he is a Lawyer from LONDON , and is certain that he has a better education Than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some Fun at the cop’s expense!
Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”
London Lawyer says, “What for?”
Irish cop says, “Ye didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop Sign.”
London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Irish cop says, “Ye still didn’t come to a complete stop. License And registration, please, sir.”
London Lawyer says, “What’s the bloody difference?”
Irish cop says, “The difference is, the sign says stop, not slow Down, so, ye have te come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License And registration, please!”
London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between Slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you Give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the
Ticket.”
Irish cop says, “Sounds fair enough, please exit your vehicle, sir.”
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Irish cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit Out of the lawyer and says, “Now, ye English arsehole, do ye want me To stop, completely, or just fookin slow down?”
This is an outstanding video. It shows the inequality of pay and the fact that even monkeys get it when it isn’t fair
This reminds me of the old experiment ….
Five monkeys are in a cage. At the top of a set of steps is a banana. Every time one of the monkeys climbs the steps to get to the banana, all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water from a hose. It very quickly reaches a point where any time a monkey goes for the steps, the other four monkeys beat the living daylights out of him.
Next, we remove one monkey and put a new one in the cage. He doesn’t know anything about the cold water, so he makes a move for the steps and all the other monkeys beat him up before anything can happen. He doesn’t understand it, but learns his lesson quickly.
Then, we remove another of the original monkeys from the cage and replace him with a new monkey. The new monkey makes a move for the stairs and the other four beat him up, including the last monkey who has no idea why he’s beating up the new monkey. Once the second monkey learns his lesson, we repeat the experiment with another new monkey until all five of the original monkeys are replaced.
Now, when a new monkey enters the cage, the other four beat the hell out of him. None of these monkeys have been sprayed with water, none of them understand why they are getting beaten up, but all of them participate in the beating of the new guy.
And that, boys and girls, is how the government works. All of them doing what they’re doing, even when it makes no sense, because that’s the way we’ve always done it in the past.
Okay, so I guess this is just video day…this next one is CRAZY!!!!!!!
This is my evil little brother…on my dragon side. (I also have a wolf and an owl as brothers, on my mythological sides). I’d tell you his name, but to mention it is to invoke his presence.
Now that they are retired, my mother and father were discussing all aspects of their future. “What will you do if I die before you do?” Dad asked Mom.
After some thought, Mom said that she’d probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.
Then Mom asked Dad, “What will you do if I die first?”
He replied, “Probably the same thing.”
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Yours,
Desperate
Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter the command: “I thought you loved me.html”, download Tears 6.2 and be sure to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as they were designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, please remember that overuse of the above applications may cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a risky application that may download the Snoring Loudly Beta program.
Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 while on Husband 1.0. This program is unsupported and will crash the system.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but does have limited memory and doesn’t learn new applications quickly. You may consider running additional software to improve both memory and performance of the system. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot_Lingerie 7.7.
Yours,
Tech Support
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only The ‘T’ shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,
“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or
this is going to be my lucky day!” Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
Since we’re on a video kick, let’s add another one…that’s just for fun!
Would you believe our Mechanical Drawing/Drafting Instructor?
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit. “No way am I getting on an airplane,” was the inevitable answer.
“Look, Mom, when it’s your time to go, it doesn’t matter if you’re on the ground or in the air.”
“I know,” said her mother. “I just don’t want to be that far off the ground when it’s
the pilot’s time to go.”
I have the distinguished honor of being on the Committee to raise $50,000,000 for a monument to Hillary R. Clinton. We originally wanted to put her on Mt. Rushmore, until we discovered there was not enough room for two more faces.
We then decided to erect a statue of Hillary in the Washington, D.C. Hall of Fame. We were in a quandary as to where the statue should be placed. It was not proper to place it beside the statue of George Washington, who never told a lie, or beside her husband William J. Clinton, who never told the truth, since Hillary could never tell the difference.
We finally decided to place it beside Christopher Columbus, the greatest Democrat of them all. He left not knowing where he was going, and when he got there he did not know where he was. He returned not knowing where he had been, and did it all on someone else’s money.
Thank you,
Hillary R. Clinton Monument Committee
p.s. The Committee has raised $.16 so far.
There are only 11 times in history where the 4 letter word “F…” has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. “Where the f… is all this snow coming from?” — Hundreds of People, Buffalo, NY, 2014
10. “What the f… do you mean, we are sinking?” — Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
9. “What the f… was that?” — Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
8. “Where did all those f…ing Indians come from?” — Custer, 1877
7. “Any f…ing idiot could understand that.” — Einstein, 1938
6. “It does so f…ing look like her!” — Picasso, 1926
5. “How the f… did you work that out?” — Pythagoras, 126 BC
4. “You want WHAT on the f…ing ceiling?” — Michelangelo, 1566
3. “Where the f… are we?” — Amelia Earhart, 1937
2. “Scattered f…ing showers, my ass!” — Noah, 4314 BC
1. “Aw c’mon. Who the f… is going to find out?” — Bill Clinton, 1998
Yes, it’s a geek joke.
Just a start to the whole Holy Shit…. run. Tune in next week for the continuation.
Sure, and why not another video?
Is it wrong of me to really, really, really want to know what this cat is leaping after? Whatever it is, it’s moving back and forth across the room.
Good dog! Get the ball! Get the ball!
How Elsie the cow appears in my nightmares.
You’ve seen the coffee mugs that say, “Sometimes The Best Part of My Job is that the Chair Spins”? That’s definitely what’s going on here.
“Oh my gawd! And you have the NERVE to complain about my litter box!”
Barack Obama steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees “OBAMA IS AN ASSHOLE” written in urine across the snow.
Needless to say, “O” is pretty upset. He storms into Valerie Jarrett’s office and yells, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! That SOB had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where was the Secret Service?”
Valerie, for once, stays silent and stares ashamedly at the floor. Barack yells, “Well, don’t just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!”
Valerie immediately jumps up and races for the exit. Later that evening,Valerie approaches him and says, “Well Mr. President, I have some bad news, and I have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?”
Obama says, “Give me the bad news first.”
Valerie says, “Well, I took a sample of the urine and had it tested. The results just came back, and it was…Joe Biden’s urine.”
Obama says, “Oh my god, I feel so… so betrayed! My own vice president! Well, what’s the really bad news?”
Valerie shifts uneasily and haltingly replies, “Uhhhh, it’s in Michelle’s handwriting.”
Today’s Last Word is going to be a couple of medical updates. First, from Lethal Leprechaun:
Friday 3/20-
Each day, it seems, takes Molly 2 steps forward but one step back. I don’t want to say she’s impatient because she’s disproved that daily by living with me. Lord only knows just how much patience that requires. However, that being said, Molly could well make a damned fine career out of pushing her boundaries and limits if she could only figure out how to get paid for it. Case in point: She’s been subject to several low grade fevers of short duration which seem to occur (according to her) without rhyme or reason. Personally I suspect they occur when she’s pushed herself a bit too far.
All the lab work from the samples collected during Molly’s procedure are finally back. No surprises, no new news really, just pretty much confirmation of everything the Doctor said in her post procedure family briefing. Molly will see the Doctor for the first time since her procedure next Thursday where she expects to get a better idea of her length of force home recuperation. Her employer and her boss have been phenomenal about the entire situation and Molly has managed about 1/2 a days work (and in it accomplishing more than the rest of the company in a full day from the office) from home everyday since Monday despite the Doctor’s instructions not to start back at it until yesterday. When ever I see her getting too tired I simply text her boss and he instructs her to go rest then locks her out of their system for 4 hours to force compliance. I don’t think she’s caught on yet that I’m snitching to him. Also I have as yet not hard lined her into our home network which means her business Lap Top is very slow up and downloading large files. This requires her to take periodic breaks while things up or download.
I do have to admit in her defense, its pretty hard for her to rest and nap successfully when for 3 days there has been the almighty din of jackhammers, sledge hammers and other noise directly
outside our apartment because they are working on the foundation to combat it’s settling and the associated problems that causes. We’ll not even begin to discuss the problem that daily 8 to 5 water shut off because of all this represents. Try telling a convalescing patient they can’t use the bathroom when they need it, especially when their doctor is tracking that very thing. Every night its bucket and jug brigade in the guest bathroom tub & I have to watch to make sure Molly doesn’t try lifting them (She’s not allowed to lift more than a gallon of milk weighs which is roughly 8#), I know she’ll try because for some annoying dumb assed reason she feels guilty about my having to take care of her and help her.
In an attempt to slow her down, do less and get her to rest/nap more, yesterday I was forced to sic Ninja Kitty Chieftess Chai on her. I guess I should have been a wee bit more specific than simply telling Chai to go sit on her when I was annoyed learning that while I was in the shower Molly had scooped cat litter and gotten rid of the trash herself, because shortly after giving Chai the assignment I received this picture from Molly asking if I was responsible her her new minder:
As you can see my instruction was interpreted quite literally, though most of Chai is on the arm of the chair as Molly’s abdomen is still extremely painful. I figured that my attempt at slowing Molly down by attaching a cat to her was a total loss at this point, especially in light of the photo I got about 5 minutes later. Little did I know Chai had an extremely sneaky and devious plan concealed behind those blue eyes:
It seems when Chai’s “Mommy we need a nap” gaze failed she resorted to swiping at the hands on the keyboard with the big paw. When Molly would have none of it Chai apparently called for reinforcements in the form of her Mother SC who prefers sleeping on top of the back of the recliner with her head hanging beside Molly’s. Both cats then proceeded to go to sleep themselves, while purring loudly, contentedly and in counterpoint harmony. I’m guessing there was some sort of subliminal message encoded into the purrs, because shortly after receiving the second photo, I went from my office towards the kitchen to get (surprise) more coffee. Molly’s work lap top was safely stowed and the living room lights were off. She was barely able to rouse herself at the sound of my bemused chuckle to tell me “You suck!” not expecting that I asked why she felt/thought that to which she responded “Because you’re the evil kitty master- you told them to ambush me and make me sleepy!” When I responded that nobody I was aware of could make her do something she didn’t want to she growled at me, shushed me, then told me “Quiet we’re all sleeping and I’m mad at you!”
Now Molly being mad at me for something is pretty much a daily given in my life and I’ve learned most just to live with it. Occasionally I even enjoy it, because about 1/2 the time it means I am getting or have already gotten my way. As for the ‘Cat enforced nap’, it started about 3 PM. Molly briefly awoke about 4:30 for a pill a drink and a trip for as she puts it “Cat bladder” only to go back and continue the nap she didn’t need and wasn’t taking until just before 7 PM. Woke up for dinner, watched about 2 hours of TV, then took a shower on her own before coming to sleep in our bed around 10 PM for the first time in a week, abet with a great deal of abdominal discomfort in exchange for the back relief she was seeking. She managed the entire night then snuck up and out about 7 quietly getting herself into trouble with aforementioned litter boxes and garbage before I awoke.
Further updates to be made if/when warranted
(signed)
Lethal Leprechaun, Dr. of Quackery
It’s so not surprising to hear that Molly is keeping Lethal in line while not following her doctor’s orders and that Lethal is keeping Molly in line while doing every thing he can to follow the doctor’s orders and the Ninja Kitties are the ones really in charge and keeping peace, harmony and health in that household.
Many of you have asked me how my brother-in-law is doing after being run down in the street by a car. I’ll try to answer here in generalities and such because the lawyers are gathering and we don’t want too many details on line.
He has been in and out of hospital and rehab several times since the accident, has had another brain bleed that required surgery and is currently resting at home with 5 days a week of out-patient therapy. The thing that all of us need to remember about said B in L is that he is a tough, obstinate, single minded guy who will definitely not give up the fight. And THAT will see him through.
Cheers my friends,
Until next week
Impish Dragon
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Dragon Laffs 
Great issue…loved all the videos. Well first day of Spring in Jersey…we got 5 inches of that white sh#t again! Seems Mother Nature needs Prozac or something. Thanks for the updates on Molly and your brother-in-law. Have a great weekend…and remember no PIES….be strong.
I am reminded of the Easter Snow storm of 1970 and the April Fool’s Blizzard of 1991.
In fact I have money on a similar event happening this year and we all know how I hate to lose bets or money!
I’d suggest keeping that snow shovel handy until at least Tax Day Ginny
NO MORE! If we do get some….I promise I will mail it to you on ice and Fed Ex overnight.
Just got back from my morning torture…also known as PT. The damn Gunnery Sargent who’s running this place is a sadist!!!! And nothing but rabbit food to eat!!!! What the heck? Don’t they realize that dragons eat MEAT!!!!
Oh crap, he’s coming….I’ve gotta hide!!!… or … or at least look like I’m working….
Please, someone rescue me…
Won’t be any Ninja Kitty led assault or Santa the Dragon Saver sleigh rides this time around Impish.
You’re there until you voluntarily get straight or until the Gunny breaks you and makes you straight.
My personal advice as your friend, business partner and lawyer is get with the program.
All those guys care about at their reputations and results, they’re not know to care too much about what they
physically break on you while mentally breaking you! Code Reds are something to be avoided at all cost!
Got to dash- I can smell my Bacon Mushroom Blue Cheese Burger is ready. Too bad you’re not here Pie Addiciton free to have one!
Sob!!!!
(and you can use those initials any way you like!!!!)
Sniff! Sniff!
Rotten no good vegetarians!
OK! OK! I wasn’t going to spoil the suprise but I had already scheduled close a ton of your
favorite meat to be delivered to you on Wednesday! I’d send it sooner but uhh…I’m still fattening it up a little.
Oh wow!! You are the bestest buddy ever….damn, here comes that Gunny again….
Sir! No Sir! I’m not writing home! Sir! Yes Sir! I’m working on Dragon Laffs, Sir!
Ow! Yes! Ow! Hey, that fuc….! Ouch! Yes Sir! Right away, sir! Write away, sir! Ouch! Well, I thought it was funny! Ow! Damn!
I warned you about gunny Hartman Dude! He’s had his sense of humor surgically removed to make more room for his beloved Corps
in him! That and the Swagger stick he carries is actually a magically disguised “corked” trunchion!
There was a guy in Boston doing just that and from what I read making a fair bit o’ coin at it too.
Considering our temps are already starting their annual climb (we’ve seen 2 days hit 80 already) I’d suggest you use DRY ice to pack the snow.
I thought of the same thing….dry ice would do it. 80 degrees in March????? Dear Lord, with my weak knees I would never make it outside.
Relax Ginny we made it to 80 but thats the ‘top out’ temp for the day which means it doesn’t stay at 80 for long before falling back down the mercury column and fairly swiftly too. Most days are in the low to mid 70’s with nights in the high 50’s and low 60’s.
Actually is sort of a mixed blessing which makes dressing hard. You really need to be able to layer expertly and shed as the day goes on. You start the day fully dressed possibly even with a light jacket depending on the weather forcast (rain) and by the end of the day you’re carrying half what you were wearing to start with
OK I figured by mid-May you would be a puddle of sweat when you stepped out the door. Our temps are quite chilly today…hard to believe it is really spring. Mid-day and it is only 42 degrees.
It’s friggin’ snowing here! Right now! This minute!
UGH!!!!
Yeah being confined in a subartic boot camp that happens- frequently
We had our share of snow last Friday….about 5 inches.