Several lap tops and tablets lay strewn about a paste up table as you enter the Conference Room where Lethal and several Dwarves appear hard at work and deep in discussion. Finally taking notice of you Lethal cuts off the objections of the Dwarves, whom you now identify as printers by their ink stained aprons and beards, with a curt “ Look, that’s what I want, that’s what I need and that’s what the issue deserves. Find a way to make it happen. I don’t care about the problems, it’s the Memorial Day issue and we are going to do right by those guys or I know a couple of dwarves destine for the dragon shite shoveling crew for the next year. You feeling me?”
Rapidly bobbing beards accompany a brief mad scramble during which the dwarves assemble their mock ups and hastily exit stage left to carry out their orders.
Lethal straightens his tie and jacket, shoots his cuffs, grabs his ever present coffee cup and heads to the podium. “Sorry about that, as you no doubt suspect I’m already hard at work on the Memorial Day issue. Speak of which I have a housekeeping announcement regarding the Scheduling for issues at the end of the month. As Memorial Day falls on Monday the 30th I will be posting our annual issue on Saturday the 28th after regular issue issue for Wednesday May 25th. Impish will then be posting on Wednesday June first and again on Saturday June 4th. Things will get back to normal ( a term I use in it’s loosest connotations regaining this place) the following week.”
As he begins to express a new thought a chime is heard coming from his vest.
“Excuse me a moment.” He reaches for his vest and consults his phone. Suddenly the widest grin you’ve seen in some time spreads across his face. “It’s here! Start with out me! I have to go take delivery of my new Giant coffee cup.”
Finally my new coffee cup arrives! Now where the hell is the bloody tanker that’s supposed to fill it for me?
I’m glad I listened to my coffee, because I DID do
her err… it… 3 times in fact!
A final picture I got too late for last weeks issue. This occurred last Monday while I was waiting for our ‘significant weather event’ to materialize. As I said last week, the brunt of it went well North of us. This is a photo of the damage done by the brunt.
Wylie is a suburb of Dallas and those holes you’re looking at are blown through half inch plywood. Me personally, we ever buy a house I’m redoing the roof immediately in standing seam metal roofing as well as upping the roof decking to 3/4 inch MDX! The half inch plywood can go over the ceilings joists to keep the hail from continuing thru the sheetrock ceilings!
With Cruz and Kasich dropping out of the US presidential race in the last 24 hours,
we’re now down to three main candidates, and many Americans will likely be holding
their nose as they vote for one of them.
Surely there has to be SOMEBODY else.
The Top 5 Better Candidates for President
- Beyonce: Because at this point, Congress can only be forced to do their job by a baseball-bat-wielding jilted woman.
- Stephen King: Because politics in 2016 isn’t scary enough on its own.
- Bill Cosby: Not only will the Russians sign off on unilaterally disarming, but they’ll wake up with no memory of having done so.
- Oprah Winfrey: “YOU get a tax break and YOU get a tax break and YOU get a tax break!”
And the Number One Better Candidate for President…
- Punxsutawney Phil: Let’s get this over with —- either global warming or six more millennia of nuclear winter.
Copyright © 1994–2016 Chris White All rights reserved.
“Politically Unbalanced” | Jeff Dunham
Case in point…
While shopping for vacation clothes, Impish and Mrs. Dragon passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since Mrs. Dragon had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought Impish’s advice. ‘What do you think?’ she asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’
‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’
He’s still in intensive care.
Alan King Survived By His Wife
I was in a pet shop when I noticed a Muslim girl with the most amazingly colored parrot perched on her shoulder.
“Where did you get that from?” I asked.
“Germany. There’s fricking thousands of ’em!” said the parrot.
Bacon is Better than Lettuce?
A new study claims that eating lettuce could be three times worse for the environment than bacon.
The study, conducted by researchers at Carnegie Mellon University, compares the greenhouse gas emissions from the production of 1,000 calories of different foods.
On a per-calorie status, many of the “healthier” foods that the USDA promotes in their guidelines, like fruits, vegetables, dairy, and seafood, are resource-intensive per calorie.
Eating lettuce is three times more harmful to the environment than eating bacon.
The example used earlier, lettuce, produces three times more greenhouse gas emissions than bacon.
Lettuce has so few calories that it would require someone to eat at least two whole iceberg lettuces to come close to the caloric intake equal to two slices of smoked back bacon. As a result, emissions from transporting lettuce are much higher per calorie than pork.
“There’s a complex relationship between diet and the environment,” Michelle Tom, a Ph. D. student in civil and environmental engineering, told Carnegie Mellon News. “What is good for us health-wise isn’t always what’s best for the environment. That’s important for public officials to know and for them to be cognizant of these tradeoffs as they develop or continue to develop dietary guidelines in the future.”
If Americans were to switch their diet to adhere to the Agriculture Department’s 2010 dietary recommendations, it would result in a 38 percent increase in energy use, a 10 percent rise in water use, and a 6 percent jump in greenhouse gas emissions, the study finds.
But this isn’t to say that all vegetables are bad and negatively impacting the environment. Foods like onions, okra, carrots, broccoli, and Brussels sprouts all leave a less significant environmental mark. Lettuce, however, is more difficult to grow, harvest, and transport, and, in turn require significant amounts of water and energy to produce.
The study was set out to find if the obesity epidemic in America is negatively affecting the environment. Though it’s true that weight loss and consuming fewer calories reduces energy use, the USDA’s recommendations for healthy eating (more greens and less meats) isn’t exactly the best thing for climate change, says the San Francisco Chronicle
A woman goes to her gynecologist.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked her doctor.
“Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina.”
The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said
“Those aren’t postage stamps my dear, they’re the stickers off the bananas”
Recently there was an amateur art contest in the Netherlands, and people were invited to create a work of art depicting the current era of multiculturalism in Europe — a depiction of their experience in the modern ‘melting pot’. This was the winner:
Funny issue laughed at Jeff Durham and Walter. Every time if see Walter….I see our VP Joe Biden. You must say it is going to get heated once they win their party’s nomination.
I agree, Ginny. I loved the Jeff Dunham video. I also spent about half an hour watching more and more on YouTube. I had to quit. I also really enjoyed Alan King and “Survived By His Wife”. Definitely made my day and set me up for a great day.