So a brief explanation about todays coffee graphic is in order.

Way back on September 30th 2016 Impish sent me “The Pledge of Coffee Allegiance” along with the following comment:

I’m absolutely sure that you, with your incredible imagination and literary skills, can do something with that.

You are, after all, the coffee guru.

Well somehow or other despite my marking it for follow up (it was late in the day when I received it) the email wound up getting buried under a ton of other emails in my Inbox and frankly, totally forgotten about.

Last Wednesday I had started preforming my end of year computer maintenance- clearing out, cleaning up, organizing all in preparation for my semi annual total hard drive back up. While I was cleaning out and clearing up my Inbox I rediscovered the Pledge. Shortly thereafter I came across the photo you’ll find the Pledge now married to and realized they were a perfect match. I took it as a sign and stopped what I was doing to complete the graphic which you’ll see below.

I think it dovetails nicely with our “Death Before Dishonor, Nothing Before Coffee” Motto.

Dasvidaniya Obama!

Just under 3 weeks! I can’t wait! Wonder if he’ll bow to Trump too?

Thanks to USPS we had a late Christmas package from my family stolen from us.

We couldn’t track it because they stopped scanning them “to concentrate on delivering them all by Christmas”.  We won’t even get into the fact that the ‘tracking number’ which the sending family member asked the postal employee to circle for her on the receipt was in fact the transaction number and totally worthless for tracking.

Then they dropped it at 7:30 Am on Tuesday morning after Christmas and couldn’t be bothered to ring the door bell. We didn’t find out about it until New Years Day so basically we’re screwed and some ghetto gangster SOB is enjoying our presents.

And USPS wonders why they are going out of business!

Seems it’s forever making me say things I didn’t Nintendo!

Well I guess there ARE times when a good pizza and a 6 pack will cure a world of ills!

Only a farm kid would see it this way!

When you’re from the farm, your perception is a little bit different. A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. “Is your dad or mom home?” said the farmer.

“No, they went to town.”

“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”

“No, he went with Mom and Dad.”

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, “I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message.”

“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably. “No, I really want to talk to your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant”.

The boy thought for a moment, then says, “You’ll have to talk to my Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.”

This Woman Is Packing Some Serious Heat!

I’m in serious lust right now!

Nope. No lust with these women, unless it’s lust for some serious cover!

In Memory of Carrie Fisher- The Force was strong with her.

 

I’ll admit the first one is a wee bit late…for some of you. Some others whom I will not call out by name (Impish and Ginny pay attention!) look about ready for this now. That’s the problem you encounter with posting only once a week around holidays. Anyway you’ll have it handy for the next time you tie 3 or 4 on or attempt to drink a pool of Peachcombers by yourself.

 

Total Time:
2 hr. 50 min
Prep:
1 hr. 40 min
Cook:
1 hr. 10 min
Yield:
8 servings
Level:
Easy

 

 

 

 

 

Ingredients

4 strips bacon, chopped
1 cup finely chopped pork loin
1 small onion, finely chopped
1 1/2 cups crushed tomatoes
1/2 cup finely chopped mushrooms
2 tablespoons shredded celery root
4 stalks celery, chopped
2 medium carrots, peeled and chopped
Salt and black pepper
3 cups cubed potatoes
1/2 cup chopped Polish sausage
2 tablespoons finely chopped leek
1 teaspoon allspice
1 teaspoon bay leaves
1 teaspoon Hungarian paprika
1 cup diced pickles
3 cloves garlic, finely chopped
3 tablespoons chopped fresh dill
1 cup heavy cream

Directions

Fill a soup pot with 8 cups water set on medium-high heat.
In a pan, fry the chopped bacon. When it is done, take out and put into the water in the soup pot.
In the drippings of the bacon, fry the pork loin and then the onions. When brown, put them into the soup pot and bring to a boil. Add the crushed tomatoes, mushrooms, celery root, celery, carrots and some salt and cook for 15 minutes.
Next, add the potatoes, sausage, leeks, allspice, bay leaves Hungarian paprika and cook for another 15 minutes.
Add the pickles, garlic and seasoning if using, and let boil for 10 minutes. Add the dill and heavy cream and season with salt and pepper.

Now I’ll admit I have not tried this one but my German and Polish friends all swear by it. We Irish have… other ways of dealing with hangovers…

 

Roasted Garlic Clove Chicken

Ingredients

8 chicken thighs
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 head garlic, separated into whole cloves, papery skin removed (about 20 cloves)
3 tablespoons olive oil
1 tablespoon butter
2 teaspoons herbes de Provence
1 teaspoon flour
1/4 cup chicken stock
1/2 lemon, juiced
Bread, for serving

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
Rinse and pat dry the chicken. Salt and pepper liberally and allow to temper on a cutting board while you prepare the garlic. In a large ovenproof sauté pan over medium heat, cook the whole garlic cloves in olive oil and butter, stirring occasionally, until lightly golden, about 10 minutes. Remove the garlic from the pan and set aside. Increase the heat to medium high and brown the chicken skin-side down until the skin is golden and crispy, about 5 minutes. Turn the chicken over, sprinkle on herbes de Provence. Add the garlic back to the pan and place hot pan in oven. Bake the chicken until cooked through, about 25 minutes. Once the chicken is done, remove chicken thighs and garlic to a platter. Place the pan over medium-high heat and sprinkle the drippings with flour and stir to incorporate. Deglaze the pan with the stock and lemon juice. Pour the sauce over the chicken on the platter and serve with bread for sauce-mopping and garlic-spreading.

 

Pan Roasted Brussels Sprouts with Bacon

Ingredients

4 strips thick-cut bacon
2 tablespoons butter
1 pound Brussels sprouts, halved
1/2 large onion, chopped
Salt and freshly ground black pepper

Directions

Cook bacon in a large skillet over medium-high heat until crispy. Remove to a paper towel-lined plate, then roughly chop. In same pan with bacon fat, melt butter over high heat. Add onions and Brussels Sprouts and cook, stirring occasionally, until sprouts are golden brown, 8 to 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper, to taste, and toss bacon back into pan. Serve immediately.

 

 

1. ARBITRATOR – A cook that leaves Arby’s to work at McDonald’s.
2. BERNADETTE – The act of torching a mortgage.
3. BURGLARIZE – What a crook sees through. 
4. AVOIDABLE – What a bullfighter tries to do.
5. COUNTERFEITER – Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
6. LEFT BANK – What the bank robbers did when their bag
was full of money.
7. HEROES -What a man in a boat does.
8. PARASITES – What you see from the Eiffel Tower.
9. PARADOX – Two physicians.
10. PHARMACIST – A helper on a farm.
11. RELIEF – What trees do in the spring. 
12. RUBBERNECK – What you do to relax your wife. 
13. SELFISH – What the owner of a seafood store does.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     14. SUDAFED – Brought litigation against a government official.

Wedding Ceremony

At a wedding , the pastor asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.

The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful blonde woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.

Everything quickly turned to chaos. The bride slapped the groom. The groom’s mother fainted. The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.

The pastor asked the woman, “Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?”

The blonde woman replied, “We can’t hear in the back.”

Marketing Explained

People often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.”
Well, here it is:

* You’re a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to
him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Direct Marketing.

* You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy.
One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says,
“She’s fantastic in bed.”
That’s Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his
telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic
in bed.”
That’s Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up
to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I?” and reach up to
straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm,
and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
That’s Public Relations.

* You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and
says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
That’s Brand Recognition.

*You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you
talk him into going home with your friend.
That’s a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
That’s Tech Support.

* You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be
handsome men in all these houses you’re passing, so you climb onto
the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of
your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
That’s Facebook (Social Media).

* You are at a party; this attractive “older” gentleman walks up to you and
grabs your ass.
That’s Donald Trump.

* You didn’t mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides
you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That’s America !

It would be really funny it it was the street sign on the local lovers lane!

Triplet nearly sky clad Redheads? Oh Lord I hope it’s me they’re summoning!

NO Impish! You can’t ‘just tag along’ if they…

OH BEGORRAH! THEY ARE SUMMONING ME!

Got to go! Catch  ya next time!

Coming lasses!

Welcome to the Dragon Laffs and Leprechaun Laffs Multimedia Enterprises, LLC. New Year’s Eve Gala, Bash, Hedonistic Celebration! Also know as the DL&LLMENYEGBHC.  And you wonder why we didn’t send out written invitations!  I presented this party idea to the miserly Lethal Leprechaun, who you might remember only gave me a measly 500,00 gp for the last party I hosted and he informed me that engraved invitations were out for this party! 

Do ya realize how much the engravin’ would be now laddie?, he asked me.

Well, since we are a multimedia company, I would assume we had our OWN engraving service.

Aye, we do.  And it would still be a cost per letter, and more than 1000 personal engraved invitations, that works out to 4,337 gold and that’s just for the ridiculous title of your ridiculous bloody party!  Nay!  Just send out the invites like we normally do.  Through mythical magical mail service!

Bloody no sense dragons.

Anyway, that’s how that conversation went.

Needless to say, the party starts …. well … about now!  So, grab yourself a beverage, partake of all the wonderful food and start this party by wading through this, our special New Year’s issue.

What are you all doing still standing here!  Let’s get this party started!

One of the most over used or misused part of New Year is the New Year Resolution.  So, one of the things that I resolve is to face every obstacle, every day with fun and laughter.  I thought of that when I read this joke from our dear friend Ginny and I realize that this is the exact way that Mrs. Dragon and I behave with each other, and the same way that Lethal and I do, although I do care how big his butt is.

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, “Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. “What in the world is this?” He said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“April,” he hollered into the bathroom, “why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a snicker, “It’s not talcum powder It’s ‘Miracle Grow!’”

Sometimes my dyslexia kicks in….sorry.

You know, it’s normally Lethal who has the recipes, but this one is from our own Ginny and I think you’ll like this one.

Dang!  There’s that dyslexia kicking in again.

So, this is actually a Christmas poem, but it is so true and so suitable for the New Year as well, that I have got to share it with you.  This describes me (and I suspect most of you) to a tee!

See what I mean?

So, what the hell does Auld Lang Syne mean, anyway?  Well, for the best answer I could find, we go to the ABC News website.  There we learn:

Here it is. The answer to a perennial question of what on earth does “Auld Lang Syne” mean?

The confusion over the song is arguably almost as much of a tradition as the song itself. As revelers stumble and mumble through the verses-singing the “auld lang syne” part much louder than the rest of the song because it’s really the only part people know-someone always asks what the words mean.

The title of the Scottish tune translates to “times gone by” and is about remembering friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten.

Despite its strong association with New Year’s Eve, “Auld Lang Syne,” written by Robert Burns in the 1700s, was never intended to be a holiday song. Guy Lombardo is credited with popularizing the song when his band used it as a segue between two radio programs during a live performance at the Roosevelt Hotel in New York in 1929. By coincidence, they played “Auld Lang Syne” just after the clock hit midnight, and a New Year’s tradition was born.

The song, and the confusion that comes with it, has been immortalized in countless movies and TV shows.

In “When Harry Met Sally,” Billy Crystal’s baffled Harry wonders, “What does this song mean? My whole life, I don’t know what this song means. I mean, ‘Should old acquaintance be forgot?’ Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances. Or does it mean that if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them?”

“Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something,” Sally reasons. “Anyway, it’s about old friends.”

So as you surround yourself with friends old and new tonight, sing on.

And if you really want to impress people, here are the lyrics to the English translated version of the song you’ll probably hear:

Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne?

CHORUS: For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. And surely you’ll buy your pint cup and surely I’ll buy mine! And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne.

We two have run about the slopes, and picked the daisies fine ; But we’ve wandered many a weary foot, since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

We two have paddled in the stream, from morning sun till dine; But seas between us broad have roared since auld lang syne.

CHORUS

And there’s a hand my trusty friend ! And give us a hand o’ thine ! And we’ll take a right good-will draught, for auld lang syne.

CHORUS

Now, for one of the greatest renditions, here’s Straight No Chaser:

So, quickly, what’s the story of Straight No Chaser?  Straight No Chaser (SNC) is a professional acappella group which originated in 1996 at Indiana University. In 2007, a 1998 video of “The 12 Days of Christmas,” went viral with over 8 million views and subsequently led to a five-album record deal with Atlantic Records in 2008. The YouTube video has been viewed over 20 million times.

And the one that started it all….

There is a lot more information about them here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straight_No_Chaser_(group) and is well worth reading.  The Christmas Can Can is one that Lethal had for Christmas and I commented that it was one of my favorite songs.  You can go on YouTube and spend an hour or more just watching their videos.

 

Another thing we do for the New Year is look back at the old year to see what statistics have been measured.  Even silly things.  Like this long video (almost 40 minutes) of the Guinness world records that were broken in 2016 … like the longest selfie stick, the fastest dog on a ball for 10 meters, or the longest human/mattress domino fall.  Some of them are pretty cool.  Definitely worth watching (or I wouldn’t have put it here.  Duh!)

 

I know it’s not Thanksgiving, but at New Year’s, it’s also worth looking back at our own lives.  This was sent to me by Ginny, but it matches up with my own feelings so well, I have to share it with you.
My body sometimes feels sore, but it still works.
I don’t sleep well most nights, but I do wake up to fight another day.
My wallet is not full, but my stomach is. (Pretty tough feat for a dragon)
I don’t have all the things I ever wanted, but I do have everything I’ll ever need.
My life is by no means perfect, but it’s mine and I’m happy.
So many of us have so much more than most people around the world, but sadly, most people always want more.

Family:
Like branches on a tree, we all grow in different directions. Yet, our roots remain as one.

I know that many of us are already inebriated enough that this is a real possibility tonight. 

How about some cool statistics about New Year’s Resolutions:

Top 10 New Years Resolutions for 2015 (as compiled by statisticbrain.com)

1. Lose Weight
2. Getting Organized
3. Spend Less/Save More
4. Enjoy Life to the Fullest
5. Staying Fit and Healthy
6. Learn Something Exciting
7. Quit Smoking
8. Help Others in Their Dreams
9. Fall in Love
10. Spend More Time with Family.

Now honestly, by a show of hands, how many of you have used at least half of these?  Yeah, I figured as much.  How about at least 6? 7? Still a couple of hands up. 8? 9?!  Of you that still have your hand up for 9, have any of you hit all ten!  Wow!  Really?  I wouldn’t have guessed it was that many of you.

How many have I done?  My own total is 7.

That is the same for so many of us!

• Percent of Americans who usually make New Year’s Resolutions – – – – – – – – – – 45%
• Percent of Americans who infrequently make New Year’s Resolutions – – – – – –  17%
• Percent of American’s who absolutely never make New Year’s Resolutions – – –  38%
• Percent of people who are successful in achieving their resolution – – – – – – – – – – – -8%
• Percent who have infrequent success – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – 49%
• Percent who never succeed and fail on their resolution each year – – – – – – – – – – – -24%

People who explicitly make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don’t explicitly make resolutions.

Yup, we all know some people like that.

Super Bowl season is fast approaching, so this next item is quite appropriate for this issue.  It comes from a Craig’s List item.

#SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY:

A friend of mine has two tickets for the February 05, 2017 Super Bowl @ NRG.

They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodation. He didn’t realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding – so he can’t go. If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at First Baptist Church in Houston, Texas at 5pm. Her name is Keisha. She will be the one in the white dress.

If he was truly serious with this offer, he would’ve included a picture of Keisha.

It happens quick, little fellow.  You blink your eyes and you’re an old man.

New Years Eve is the only acceptable time to wear body glitter without being mistaken for a stripper. 

If your born in September, its pretty safe to assume your parents started out the New Year with a Bang!

Remember you can reset your resolutions on January 14th (Orthodox New Year) and February 8th (Chinese New Year). After that, even I can’t help you.

 

As bad as 2016 has been, yeah, I’m right there with the pessimist.

 

Disclaimer: Not JUST on New Year’s Eve.

 

And with that, we stroll into our closing to finish partying with all our fellow campers, friends, family, loved ones… We’ve been invited to the party opener, which also happens to be the issue ender.  So, let’s wonder over to Lethal’s private quarters, shall we?

The closing today has been given over to my dear friend, brother, fellow warrior and partner in nattering in this ezine.  I give you, Lethal Leprechaun:

 

Wow looks like some of you didn’t know when to say when to the Christmas cookies and other holiday once a year only treats!.

I haven’t seen this many pair of sweat pants in once  since the tracksuit fad of the late 1980’s.  I swear the place looks like an Old Navy store!

To be honest I’m still recovering from the Christmas Issue and the holiday itself. Having Molly home for 4 days straight and mostly all to myself was a nice change of pace from her usual hectic schedule of work and school.

The downside however is that I had significantly less time to come up with a theme for this issue and to assemble it. Add that to a three day work week this week and things are..well let’s just call it ‘tightly scheduled’ and leave it at that.

So this issue is sort of like those dinners you’ve been having ever since Christmas, a hodgepodge of left overs and tidbits. To keep it from being boring however I decided to share with you folks some of the things I/We got for Christmas as well.

Grab your coffee loosen your fat sweats waist bands (if you can) and get comfy because we’re off.

I can see where with some of you (Impish) that ‘Let’s Roll isn’t just a figure of speech!

Ol’ Jersey Ginny of the Weak Knees sent me this coffee themed graphic last Friday:

We’ll see why finding it on Monday morning weirded me out in a few.

So the first thing I encountered stumbling out of my bedroom (aside from two treat demanding felines) was this warning. Seems like there is no end to those who think they have the right to surveil you in your home!

The aforementioned elves than apparently felt the need to bust my chops a little more:

Now I’ve never done this with a sun/moon roof before, but I did do it one time with the kick vents on an old FJ body Toyota Landcrusier.  Kick vents are exactly what they sound like small pop out vents right behind where the front fender and body meet. You literally kicked them open and closed with the toe of your shoe.

One time my buddy and I were semi dressed up on our way to some event or other and of course running late. My buddy suggested I take a ‘short cut’ which involved passing thru a spillway for a lake. The spill way was simply a low wall on the lake side with two 3 foot high humps in the road about 3 car lengths apart and a low spot in the middle. When the lake got too high it would overflow the wall so this low area would flood and run off the opposite side into a stream.  We were doing about 35 mph when we hit the top of the first hump and I saw there was probably close to 18” of water in the spillway. I think the front wheels were already in the water by the time it dawned on me the kick vents were open.

Can you say 60 degree (it was March) lake water high pressure shower inside your moving vehicle? Yeah. We were really really late for what ever it was we were supposed to be attending.

OK so here’s my first gift I’ll show you so you have plenty of time to ponder it. The answer is at the end of the issue (no scrolling & peeking!)

One of the main problems with holiday issues is you never know when its safe to “put it to bed”.  You know from long experience that the minute you do something will arrive in your Inbox that you wish you could have included in the holiday issue. Case in point this next video and the Christmas issue.

God Bless The USA and Armed Forces Medley – Redding Christmas Lights

 

 So so the first present we got for Christmas we actually too delivery of about 10 days ago just before Molly’s family came for her Graduation:

A pair of matching His & Hers recliners in micro fiber, which interestingly enough cats seemed to be uninterested in scratching (a good thing). They have been well received by all who have tried them. Sadly I don’t get a chance to sit in mine often since as I said, they’ve been well received:

My recliner is apparently now the premier choice for cat naps. You are pretty much assured of finding at least one in the seat if not both. Otherwise one is in the seat and the others perched atop my tartan lap blanket.

Speaking of cats, let’s leave my gifts a moment and check out one that Santa left for Molly:

Don’t worry no cats were harmed in the making or play of the game. It’s all tongue in cheek and the only thing that hurt after we tried the game out several times were our sides from laughing.

So remember that graphic Ginny sent me last Friday from the opening coffee postings? Well this was the first present I unwrapped. Makes me wonder what all those chemical waste dumps in Jersey are leaking into the water supply. Psychic Jersites is all we need!

AS of posting this I have yet to try out the coffee. I’m think this might be part of my cure for the morning after our New Years Eve Party.

In complement to this was a gift from my In-laws. my MiL had heard me utter this sentiment to Molly as justification for not becoming involved in something that was going on at Thanksgiving and new of my quest for a larger (still) coffee mug:

Now I know it’s hard to determine the size of the mug from that photo, but as you can clearly see my first cup of the day is in the mug still and not in me working it’s magic.

Filled to the brim it holds 32 oz. and we figure it has a practical working capacity of 28 oz.

Between the use of the two gifts I think there’s a good chance of coffee nirvana having been achieved. IF not I’m positive that all it will take is adding some to my Brown Gold recipe.

Here pal, I’ll share a wee nip o’ me next gift with you ta’ be warming your insides. It was a happily received bribe present from one of my clients hoping to have the number one slot for attention after New Years when my busy season starts.

Black Bush might just have a run for it’s money now! I’ve put a wee nip in me Bailey’s lightened coffee and had naught but grand Celtic Dreams!

(Celtic Dream = 2 Parts Bailey’s + 1 Part Irish Whiskey. Shake with ice or pour into a large mug of coffee)

Obama Rated 5th Best President!

Texas A&M Study Calls Obama the 5th Best President in American History. An Excellent research by a fine institution. From a total of 44 U. S. Presidents, Obama has been rated as the 5th best. The Public Relations Office at A&M released this statement:

“After almost 8 years in office, American academics have rated Obama the 5th Best President in American History “.

These are the results according to Texas A&M:

1. Lincoln, Reagan and Eisenhower tied for first place.

2. Sixteen Presidents tied for second place.

3. Twenty-three other Presidents tied for third place.

4. Jimmy Carter came in fourth, and

5. Obama was fifth.

They left out Quitcherbitchin too you whiney bunch of pansy azzed Liberals. You lost. Its over. Build a fricken bridge to the STFU Expressway already. SHEESH!

Ya’ll be happy to know the situation with the Christmas issue and it’s size should no longer be a problem, at least when I assemble them. Santa brought me enough new memory to max out my lap top and make a quantum difference in its performance, especially when it comes to using the program we do to assemble the blog. 

Of course it hasn’t hurt my gaming capabilities any either!

 A new Calphalon griddle for cooking important things like bacon, steaks and grilled sandwiches along with my annual fix from the Hickory Farms store.

How Santa rolls when dealing with the warm weather and lack of snow in Texas. Sorry but there’s just something special about jolly old fat guys on Harleys!

OK first here’s a gif you’ll watch for about 5 minutes because it’s just that unbelievable. Is it staged or did it just happen? I don’t know but either way its pretty darn cool just the same.

 

The 2016 Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Hysterically irreverent but comically spot on. This guy does a bang up job on the catalog we all love to peruse but can’t ever afford to buy from.

I was on the Jersey Turnpike when I saw it. I was driving my family to New York for Thanksgiving and there, along the shittiest stretch of road in the shittiest state in America, I saw the Williams-Sonoma fulfillment center: a vast hangar that seemed to stretch a mile long, with shipping containers lined up along the side, like piglets feeding on a series of artisanal teats. It was located in a town called Cranbury because of course it fucking was. It made me wonder if Williams-Sonoma chose the town of Cranbury specifically for the whimsy of it, or if they CREATED the town and christened it Cranbury just so that it could match their mission statement of bringing holiday cheer and $75 baskets of glazed figs to the world.

And I won’t lie, it was kind of nice to see the fulfillment center, to see just where the (imported, dry-aged Portuguese) sausage (with white wine and fennel) is made. This has not been a pleasant year. Everyone good died. America is now a bad sitcom flash forward episode. And I got a camera up my dick. So it was nice to see all those trucks lined up in Cranbury, each one getting its marching orders to drive out to some pristine house on some pristine cul-de-sac in some pristine suburb. Call it Peppermintbarkville—a place that the rest of the world cannot touch, where even a nuclear holocaust could not intrude upon the bestowing of gold napkin rings and cheese assortments. Life as we know may end, but the Williams-Sonoma catalog, and the army of little Ina Gartens who have seemingly unlimited cash to spend on its wares, will endure. They shall adorn their houses in the finest garlands and pass around only the choicest amuse bouches, and everything will be PERFECT even as the world burns a mile away. OH, IT’LL BE SO GRAND THAT YOU’LL WANNA PUKE.

So come with me now. Let’s forget about our troubles, crack open this year’s W-S Christmas catalog, and lose ourselves in a tartan wonderland. Will there be mug toppers? Oh, you better fucking believe there will be mug toppers. To the catalog…

The 2016 Hater’s Guide To The Williams-Sonoma Catalog

Santa fed my obsession with multi tools once again with about the smallest one I have ever encountered. Honestly I must have about 6 or 8 or them now my favorite being the Leatherman Micra. which I carry one everyday. In fact I am on my second one and about due to replace it a third time since I wear one out from use roughly every six years. I haven’t quite decided where this one is going as yet but I’m sure I’ll find a place. So far most likely candidate is the compact traveling first aid kit I have.

This was on my wish list. In my business you are forever trying to illuminate dark recesses in server rooms, cable trays and under desks. Maglites are easy to carry and very handy but go through batteries like Impish eats Christmas cookies. The LED part makes for a brighter less power hungry light and the push button tail cap makes things way handier when you are constantly turning the light on and off plus allows the flashlights beam to remain focused as you prefer it. If you have a mini Maglite I highly recommend you get yourself one of these upgrade kits for it. It will pay for itself in battery savings alone.

This was pretty much the way it was for Thanksgiving, but we faked them all out by staying home this Christmas.

Ah Inis! My favorite cologne (though Molly recently introduced me to Spicebomb by Victor Rolf) and made in Ireland ta boot! ‘Tis what Leprechauns small like don’t ya know! It’s even in a TSA approved travel size!

OK time to unveil the big mystery. If you didn’t get it don’t be too upset. I thought it was some sort of newly designed whisk for the kitchen when I opened it before Molly gave me the card it comes on.

I saved the best present I got for last.

It wasn’t the most elaborate, most expensive or even the best wrapped. In fact it was probably under $4, came in a simple envelope and while pretty was quite simplistic.

Just a simple ‘Hallmark Moment’ from Molly but to me it means more than all the other presents combined. Her agreeing to marry me is still easily the best present I’ve ever gotten in my life.

See you Saturday for our Impish managed New Years Eve Party (Oh stop screaming in terror! He actually has a well documented and personally reviewed by me plan that he’s promised to be following) and End of Year Issue presentation.

Until then…

As you arrive at DL/LL Digital Media HQ you’re greeted by the normal orderly hustle and bustle associated with arriving anytime there is a prolonged celebration of a holiday with the Party Mountain accommodating overnight or longer guests. Things do perhaps have a bit more of a festive air about them this being Christmas and all.

CyberLethals are attired to appear as Irish Nutcrackers, iLethals zip about to and fro looking like candy canes on wheels. Even the staff are all dressed up as Santa’s elves, its either that of Lethal has somehow managed to con Santa out of two dozen elves on his busiest day of the year. Lethal seems to be attired in his normal manner abet he is sporting

Mistletoe in his top hat hat band and a holly and balsam buttoner. Even his ever present shillelagh is wrapped with grren and gold tinsel garland. Still he seems to glance about at the balmy weather and grimace often.

Your ushered in side and practically herded up to the Conference room level where the sights sounds and smells of Christmas overwhelm you the moment the elevator doors open. The scents from balsam, fir, hot fresh sugar cookies, still warm ginger bread, peppermint in the form of candy canes thicker around than your thumb all compete for your attention along with the most fantastic 2 other scents. Lethal has opened his hoard of Brown Gold for the occasion and the scent of this caffeinated nectar of Leprechauns (well one leprechaun anyway) competes with another mouth watering scent, his famous Adults Only Holiday Hot Chocolate.

It’s rumored that the recipe is so closely guarded that even the Head Chef doesn’t have it in it’s entirety. Legend has it that it contains 2 kinds of chocolate, three different liqueurs and is (as described by Diaman) almost a sexual experience in the partaking of. In fact both Diaman and Ginny have practically mowed down anyone between them and the cups of hot chocolate and are now involved in a near symphony of provocative moaning and quivering in between very large sips.

Once the mill about has died down and you’ve all found your consumables of choice and seats Lethal begins:

“I’m going to make this very fast because we’ve grave concerns over the server handling todays issue maintaining containment and not suffering a melt down the issue is so overly full.

If your staying for the holiday with us on the mountain- welcome. Check out is by noon sharp Monday or you’re automatically impressed into the clean up Christmas/ set up New Years press gang.

If you are a Patron member, you’re reservations are automatically good from last night through January 2nd. Anyone, including Patrons, without prior arrangements found here after noon on January 2nd will be pressed in the cleaning crew for the duration.

Those of you planning on joining the group of us attending midnight mass at St. Peter’s Basilica at the Vatican in Rome please assemble in appropriate attire and entirely sober in the court yard not later than 4:45 PM local time to make the portal jump to the Vatican.”

Some rumbling and an alarm can be faintly heard someplace deep inside the HQ building. Lethal hurriedly concludes:

“That’s all for the announcements lets get started with the issue before something truly unfortunate happens with that server shall we?

HO! HO! HO! and away we go!”

First things first, the proprieties of the season must be observed after all.

Ok now that I’ve wished you all a proper Gaelic Merry Christmas and before we get on with the festivities, ‘tis an important matter of some weight we need to address (that weight in point of fact being estimated at several tons).

So with out further preamble since we’ve another full to bursting issue (and so as not to lose his attention span as well) let me just say…

Another year older and (we hope) wiser but not sadder. Best wishes to you my Best Bud and I really have to say you’ve nailed that Humpty Dumpty look you were shooting for!

And he hasn’t stopped proving them right since!

Happy Birthday my brother from another mother and may there be as many more as you want.

Slainte! To your health sir!

Where the temperature will be an entirely inappropriate and excessively balmy for the season 75 on Christmas. Honestly! I might as well just be in Leprechonia for all the Christmas atmosphere the weather here is providing.

That’s it! I can’t take this another year! I refuse to accept this as Christmas. You’ve all just been kidnapped. We’re off to Ireland for a proper Christmas. IF you’re good and well mannered I’ll return you to the party mountain at the end of the issue.

Holly, if you’d be so kind as to make with the farie transport dust before anyone can leave please? Oh and an extra dusting for the not so jolly rotund blue guy wearing the crumbs and remnants of an entire army of gingerbread men if you please, it takes a little extra magic to move all of him.

There! That’s more bloody like it! Cactus and Palm trees with  Christmas lights me arse!

The Irish Rovers: Must Be Santa

 

Yup, ‘tis wasting wasting no time in getting right to the Christmas Carols Department I am, but did you ever wonder if there were Carols that those “who hear/see things the rest of us can’t might hear?

Christmas Carols for the Psychiatrically Challenged

SCHIZOPHRENIA – Do You Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY – We Three Kings Disoriented Are.
DEMENTIA – I Think I’ll Be Home For Christmas.
NARCISSISTIC – Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)
MANIA – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and and Office and Town …or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!
PARANOIA – Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I’ll tell you why.
DEPRESSION – Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE DISORDER – Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell… (YOU GET THE IDEA)
OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE PERSONALITY – The Twelve Days of Christmas (don’t make me repeat that again)
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY – Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.
PASSIVE/AGGRESSIVE – Silent Night

Sure enough! Reminds me of those movie posters for ‘Children of the Corn’ and creeps me right out!

See what I mean?  That’s one of those Illegal Mexican Christmas trees!

See how much nicer a lawfully immigrated Irish tree is?

Chances of Snow for Christmas at USA Cities

Among America’s large cities, only one has a really good chance of having a white Christmas. For most cities the odds of seeing any snow at Xmas are pretty slim.

The major urban area with the best chance of enjoying a traditional Christmas landscape is Minneapolis — St Paul Minnesota, where there’s a 74 percent probability of having at least one inch of snow on the ground. In fact, the city is likely to have three or more inches of snow.

Three other large cities are also more likely than not to have some snow around on December 25: Buffalo, Rochester and Salt Lake City. Rochester even has a fifty-fifty chance of seeing fresh snow falling at Xmas.

The table below gives the probabilities of Christmas snow for 51 US cities.

hile less than even, the odds of snow blanketing Milwaukee, Cleveland or Denver on Dec 25th are still pretty high, at 40 percent or more. For Pittsburgh, the chance of snow is nearly one in three, for Columbus about one in four and for Boston almost one in five. At New York, Cincinnati, Louisville and Baltimore, the likelihood of a snowy Xmas runs close to one in ten.

Not surprisingly, for many cities in Texas, California and Florida, there’s zero chance of a white Christmas. At a few cities, such as Las Vegas and New Orleans, snow on Dec 25 isn’t entirely impossible, but would make an astonishing event as the odds of it happening amount to much less than one percent.

Probability (%) of having Snow on the Ground of at least 1 inch deep or Snowfall of at least 0.1 inches on December 25.

Christmas 2001, the first year I was here for Christmas I managed enough fairie magic to make it (however briefly) the first white Christmas in Houston in 100 years. It was also the last white Christmas I saw. OK grumbling over (for the moment) and moving on with the list.

About the Data

The snow probabilities were calculated by the NOAA National Climatic Data Center based on weather data collected from 1981 to 2010.

These major cities represent the 51 metropolitan areas in the United States with the most people, all those with over one million residents in 2010, according to the US Census Bureau.

Irish Rovers God rest ye Merry Gentlemen

 

Some people will resort to doing anything, including apparently standing on their heads to insure they get good gifts from Santa. Me, I just get him all liquored up with the good stuff.

Colts punter shows Indianapolis the true meaning of Christmas

Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee is pretty well known in the football community as an all around good guy who has some funny shenanigans on and off the field. He’s always good for a funny quote or tweet and never takes himself too seriously.

Well, it seems that McAfee also knows the true meaning of the holiday season. In a gesture that put others before himself, Pat paid the electricity bills of 115 Indianapolis families in need. It was an act of kindness that surprised many and made the holiday season that much more special for families who really needed it.

Per Fox59:

“On Friday afternoon, 58-year-old Valerie Moore got a phone call from a friend who told her someone was paying off people’s utility bills. Moore dropped everything and drove over to the IPL office.

‘All I could do was throw my hands up in the air and just give her the bill,’ said Moore.

Moore had a nearly $400 bill with a disconnection notice set for Dec. 27.

‘Money is super tight. Gas bill, light bill, rent, car, food, it’s real tight,’ said Moore.

When Moore handed the IPL employee her bill, she heard something she hasn’t heard in a long time. The employee told her she had a zero balance.

Customer after customer had their bills paid in full.

‘Two people at one time they came in together to pay their bill they stood there for about five minutes literally just crying for joy,’ said Moore.”

Good on you, Pat. Thanks for spreading the Christmas spirit.

 

So last week I might have let it slip I was giving Impish a DIY present this year, something from the heart as it were. Well once he found out I had one heck of a time keeping it hidden from him and finishing it. This is until I hit upon the idea of setting up in the Corporate gym. While he thought I was spending extra time on a tread mill making room for extra helpings of Pumpkin Pie and Irish Whiskey Cookies, I was actually hard at work on my first master piece! What do you think? Think he’ll like it?

Christmas in Killarney – The Irish Rovers

Just in case you haven’t already guessed where we wound up!

Giant 50ft Christmas tree lights up Dublin

Bring it on: Biblical conspiracy theorist says the world is ending during last days of 2016

[This couldn’t have happened earlier this year? I’d have saved a lot of money on Christmas presents! – L.L.]

A computer programmer is predicting that the world as we know it will come to a violent end in the final days of December. What’s the hold up?

A computer programmer is predicting the world as we know it will come to a violent end in the final days of December.

After the kind of year 2016 has been, we’re not fazed one bit by the prediction of coming doom and calamity for mankind. Bring it on.

Nora Roth is a Christian computer programmer who uses complex computer calculations from the biblical book of Daniel that she says points to the end of the world coming before the end of the year, ending “6,000 years of sin on earth.”

The math is explained on Roth’s official website, MarkBeast. Scroll to the conclusion on the webpage to cut to the chase.

The end, Roth notes, will come just as Jesus Christ returns to the planet to take his followers home to Heaven. That’s what they teach in Sunday school to be the Rapture.

Roth says after the planet has been sufficiently scorched it will rest for a millennium to recover from all the evil we’ve wrought.

Luckily for billions of us all the past dire predictions of world-ending wars, solar flares, and other disasters have not come pass.

Every year we get a new eviction date for mankind and every year nothing happens. Frankly it’s a little anticlimactic.

A man named Harold Camping famously predicted the Rapture would occur on May 21, 2011. He died in Dec. 2013, so the world already ended for him. 

Just in case, though, get all your Christmas shopping done so you can enjoy the next few weeks on the planet with family and friends. 

Christmas time in Galway

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season” Saint Peter said,  “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said “You may pass through the pearly gates”.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and  finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and  asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carols.”

And So The Christmas Season Begins……

 

IF I WERE SANTA –

If I were a rockin’ Santa,

You know what I’d do?

I’d dump the silly gifts

That are given to you.

I’d deliver some things

Just inside your front door —

Things you have lost,

But treasured before.

I’d give you back all

Your maidenly vigour,

And to go along with it,

A neat, tiny figure;

Then restore the old color

That once graced your hair

Before rinses and bleaches

Took residence there.

I’d bring back the shape

With which you were gifted,

So things now suspended

Need not be uplifted.

I’d draw in your tummy

And smooth down your back

Till you’d be a dream

In those tight fitting slacks!

I’d remove all your wrinkles

And leave only one chin,

So you wouldn’t spend hours

Rubbing grease on your skin.

You’d never have flashes

Or queer dizzy spells,

And you wouldn’t hear noises

Like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet,

And no corns on your toes

No searching for spectacles

When they’re right on your nose.

Not a shot would you take

In your arm, hip or fanny

From a doctor who thinks

You’re a nervous old granny.

You’d never have a headache,

So no pills would you take.

And no heating pad needed

Since your muscles won’t ache.

Yes, if I were Santa,

You’d never look stupid.

You’d be a cute little chick

With the romance of a cupid.

I’d give a lift to your heart

When those wolves start to whistle,

And the joys of your heart

Would be light as a thistle.

But alas! I’m not Santa.

I’m simply just me,

The matronest of matrons

You ever did see.

I wish I could tell you

All the symptoms I’ve got,

But I’m due at my doctor’s

For an estrogen shot.

Even though we’ve grown older

This wish is sincere:

A very Merry, Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Angels We Have Heard On High · The Irish Rovers

OK so I was going to wait until the end of the issue to do this, but Mr. McWhiney Pant’s constant interrupting and carrying on about his ‘You-can’t-be-serious! THAT-is-really-my-present?”  ‘DIY gift’ from me is getting darn annoying and making my trigger finger itch. Since I’m (questionably) informed its impolite to shoot anyone much less such an annoyance on Christmas Eve, I’m caving in and getting this over right now.

Here Impish THIS is what I got you for Christmas, now quitcherbitchin and leave me finish the issue and night in Peace!

Be bloody careful with the wrapping too! I learned to crochet and made the wrappings especially just for your present!

FYI- she was #1 on Santa’s Naughtiest of the Naughty Girls 2016 list. So remember to pace yourself, Birthday Boy, your not getting any younger and she’s of the firm opinion Christmas lasts for 12 days and therefor so should you.

Above & Below: Irish Tree Toppers

DADDY’S POEM

Her hair was up in a pony tail,

Her favorite dress tied with a bow.
Today was Daddy’s Day at school,
And she couldn’t wait to go.

But her mommy tried to tell her,
That she probably should stay home;
Why the kids might not understand,
If she went to school alone.

But she was not afraid;
She knew just what to say.
What to tell her classmates
Of why he wasn’t there today.

But still her mother worried,
For her to face this day alone.
And that was why, once again,
She tried to keep her daughter home.

But the little girl went to school,
Eager to tell them all.
About a dad she never sees, a dad
Who never calls.

There were daddies along the wall in
Back, for everyone to meet.
Children squirming impatiently,
Anxious in their seat.

One by one the teacher called
On a student from the class.
To introduce their daddy,
As seconds slowly passed.

At last the teacher called her name,
Every child turned to stare.
Each of them was searching,
A man who wasn’t there.

“Where’s her daddy at?”
She heard a boy call out.
“She probably doesn’t have one,”
Another student dared to shout.

And from somewhere near the back,
She heard a daddy say,
“Looks like another deadbeat dad,
Too busy to waste his day.”

The words did not offend her,
As she smiled up at her Mom.
And looked back at her teacher, who
Told her to go on..

And with hands behind her back,
Slowly she began to speak.
And out from the mouth of a child,
Came words incredibly unique.

“My Daddy couldn’t be here,
Because he lives so far away.
But I know he wishes he could be,
Since this is such a special day.

And though you cannot meet him,
I wanted you to know
All about my daddy,
And how much he loves me so.

He loved to tell me stories,
He taught me to ride my bike;
He surprised me with pink roses,
And taught me to fly a kite.

We used to share fudge sundaes,
And ice cream in a cone.
And though you cannot see him.
I’m not standing here alone.

‘Cause my daddy’s always with me,
Even though we are apart;
I know because he told me,
He’ll forever be in my heart”

With that, her little hand reached up,
And lay across her chest.
Feeling her own heartbeat,
Beneath her favorite dress.

And from somewhere there in the crowd of dads,

Her mother stood in tears.
Proudly watching her daughter,
Who was wise beyond her years.

For she stood up for the love
Of a man not in her life.
Doing what was best for her,
Doing what was a right.

And when she dropped her hand back
Down, staring straight into the crowd.
She finished with a voice so soft,
But its message clear and loud.

“I love my daddy very much,
he’s my shining star.
And if he could, he’d be here,
But heaven’s just too far.

You see he is an American Soldier
And he died just this past year,
When a roadside bomb hit his convoy
And taught Americans to fear.

But sometimes when I close my eyes,
it’s like he never went away.”
And then she closed her eyes,
And saw him there that day.

And to her mother’s amazement,
She witnessed with surprise,
A room full of daddies and children,
All starting to close their eyes.

Who knows what they saw before them;
Who knows what they felt inside.
Perhaps for merely a second,
They saw him at her side.

“I know you’re with me Daddy,”
To the silence she called out.
And what happened next made believers,
Of those once filled with doubt.

Not one in that room could explain it,
For each of their eyes had been closed.
But there on the desk beside her,
Was a fragrant long-stemmed pink rose.

And a child was blessed, if only for
a moment, by the love of her shining star.
And given the gift of believing,
that heaven is never to far

There must be many children in the same boat as this little girl; thanks to our servicemen and their families for the sacrifice they are making to keep our country free. The ULTIMATE sacrifice is being left behind. Don’t forget them.

I made a pledge years ago that a Christmas Issue would never pass without this next video or video lacking, then the poem behind it. I’ll have to be dead to no longer honor that promise.

A Soldier’s Silent Night

 

They’re doing all of us a service by insuring our safety and ability to celebrate Christmas, we need to do them one back. If there are families of serving men or women in your area adopt one. See their Christmas wants for naught, even at the expense of your own.

If the husband is serving give her your number to call incase of a household emergency. You have no idea how much that number will mean in the middle of the night when she has a water leak and no idea how to shut it off or her head won’t come on and all her children are in her bed freezing.

Their Husbands, Wives, Sons and Daughters are all risking life and limb for us, surely we can risk a little inconvenience for them. In the long run, who are you really helping?

Here’s to the day we’ll never have troops far away from home because we’ve all learned to live in peace.

 

Here’s to the time we’ve no more cause to display service ribbons upon our doors on the holidays or any other day of the year.

Santa, I know it’s a heck of a lot to ask for, but I’m not asking for me, I did my time and I was and still am proud to have done it. If you could see your way clear to bop some brains, human decency, tolerance and a healthy dose of worldly common sense into the heads of a few world leaders regardless of if they believe or not on your trip tonight we might well  be able to have peace in 2017.

 

 

Good King Wenceslas

 

IRISH CUSTOM: THE CANDLE IN THE WINDOW

The Irish have long been known for their hospitality and the primary function of the candle in the window was both as a guide to Mary and Joseph on their way but also as a sign of welcome to any stranger who passed that they would not go without, especially on the feast of the King.

This was also customary on the Feast of Brigid (Bridget), since on Brigid’s eve, food was often left out, not only in welcome, but also in hopes that she might pass by the door. What better way to bring luck and blessings to a family than to encourage the saints and indeed the Mother of Jesus to pass by the door. The candle on Christmas Eve was truly more symbolic, since Mary was in fact thought to be more heavenly and unlikely to pass by. Brigid on the other hand, might actually pass by the door, and small pieces of cloth were often left outside in hopes that she would bless them. These lovely country customs are a reflection of the sense of closeness people felt to many of the female saints. Women in particular, had a great affinity for Mary and Brigid.

Brigid was thought to have been the midwife of Christ and became known as the “Mary of the Gael.”

Christmas Eve by Ruth and Celia Duffin

A cup of milk
And a wheaten-cake,

And a spark of fire
For the Travellers’ sake.

A door on the latch,
A light in the pane,

Lest the Travellers’ pass
In the wind and rain.

For food and fire
And candlelight

The Travellers’ blessing
On us this night

Merry Christmas!

Christmas is such an unusual time of year.

Little kids [and  not so little but still kids at heart and IQ Dragons- L.L.] are hoping that Santa is going to give them everything they asked for and even some stuff they didn’t ask for and that it will all be under the tree on Christmas morning.

Older kids are still hoping that Mom and Dad…oops, I mean Santa is going to leave them everything they want, but most of them are pretty lined up with how much their family can afford.

Teenagers are too cool to ask Santa for anything and when they are pressured, they might admit to wanting something, but they also might be afraid that if they want it too much, they won’t get it because they never get ANYTHING that they want.  EVER.

Young adults usually just want a couple of extra hours sleep or an extra paycheck so that they can get everything their new kids want.

But, when you get to be a little older than that, you begin to realize that the stuff you REALLY want ain’t gonna be delivered by Santa and his magical flying reindeer. [Clarification: He’s speaking of you mundanes who give up believing so easily in the magical, mystical and legends as you age. We Magical/Mystical/Legendary creatures still believe and get visited by Santa yearly- L.L.]

There is a morning talk show that is syndicated across the country…well…really, around the world, because I know that they are also on Armed Forces Radio … anyway, it’s Bob and Shari.  I don’t have time to listen to the whole show every morning, instead, I download their podcast and listen to it throughout the day.  It is one of the most fun talk shows I’ve ever listened to.

Anyway, Bob and Shari have a portion of their show where their listeners call in and share their experiences with whatever topic they happen to come up with on that day.  And today was grownup Santa wishes.  They had some really great calls, one lady called in and wanted Santa to wave his magic …. whatever…(not sure what Santa has to wave to make magic. [Dude! Seriously? Does the phrase “And laying his finger aside of his nose,
and giving a nod, up the chimney he rose” not ring any bells? – L.L.] Gotta give that some more thought) anyway, she wanted Santa to make it so that no more family members would have to go to the emergency room – at least for a while.  She related 9 instances of family members, including herself, that had actual emergencies, just since March of this year.  It was amazingly horrifying.  So yeah, I could see as how that was a good grownup Santa wish.

There were some “I really want to get close to my ______ brother, sister, cousin, mom, dad… you fill in the blank.  Estranged family members.  Another good grownup Santa wish.

Then there were a few of … I want my 5 year old daughter to be cured of leukemia; I really wish my dad, who is suffering from terrible Alzheimer’s would just recognize me one more time before he dies; I haven’t heard from my son who is serving his country overseas in a hot desert and please, please Santa, make it so he is alright and just not able to get in touch.

And they went on like that for quite some time.

Now, the one real problem with me listening to them on podcast is that I can’t call in when they have an interesting topic.  But, I started thinking about what grownup Santa wish I would ask for.  And I started thinking of the things that I would really want.  Getting rid of the hellish pain that I suffer through every day; better health for my wife, daughter, father, father-in-law …

But you know…. pain and sickness are transitory.  Would I really have happiness if they were gone?  I’m not really sure.

Then I thought a little bit further out of the box and started thinking of some real grownup Santa wishes and I’d like to share a couple of those with you.

Santa, if you could find it in your magic bag, I sure would like to meet some of the awesome people that I’ve met and interacted with here on line.  Some of these people who, although I’ve never met them face to face, or maybe even talked to on the phone, have made it inside my heart and have taken up residence.  I’d truly love to hug, or give manly bro-hugs with back pounding, to everyone of you who are reading this now.

Santa, I’d really, really like to have a world… a safe and happy world … for my kids and grandkids to grow up in.  I’d like for them to experience the freedom to make up their own minds, the freedom to study whatever they want, and the safety and security to not wonder if they’ve locked the doors, or kept close track to their identity.  I’d like them all to grow up in the kind of America that I was blessed enough to grow up in.

You know, I had thought, before I sat down to write this, that I was going to talk about the birth of Jesus and the meaning of the season.  But, this is where my warped little mind wandered to, so you guys are stuck with it.  So, I would like each and everyone of you to think of what grownup wishes you would want Santa to fill – and then I want you to go out and try to fill as many of them yourself as you can.

My beloved friends, family and fellow campers, may you truly be blessed this holiday.  May God grant you love, happiness, and laughter in your home.  And may you truly feel the warmth of His grace and the love in my heart that I have for you all.

Merry Christmas!

Impish Dragon

Yo-Yo Ma, Alison Krauss – The Wexford Carol

 

May you keep in your heart amidst all your celebration and feasting the true reason and meaning behind the holiday season.

Mean while ‘tis a lantern in a few windows I’ve ta be placing if you take my meaning. I hope you’ll be placing at least once as well. Honoring the uld ways is more than something we should be doing because it’s ‘tradition’. Very often the uld ways have a great deal of thought, meaning, significance or wisdom behind them that we’ve tended to disregard as we’ve ‘modernized’- oft in my opinion, to our own detriment as well as loss to our moral compass both personally and as a society.

See you Wednesday for our regular issue of Leprechaun Laughs where the good Lord (Santa? Could really use an economy sized box of inspiration for Christmas here) only knows what I’ll manage to come up with on short notice.

Until then…

Yes, it’s Wednesday.  Not the normal day for Dragon Laffs now is it?  If you remember correctly, Lethal is doing Christmas this year and I’m doing New Years.  Although, there will be a short Christmas message from me in his issue and a short New Year’s message from him in my issue.

Now, I’m sure that was just a clear as mud.

There was so many different things I was going to write about in my opening, I even had a bunch of suggestions from Lethal.  But I ended up putting so many graphics and laffs and funnies in the issue that it is just on this side of crashing the server AND I still have to get up and work in the morning.

Ah me.

See, I even had some dragons poking their heads in…

And I’m sure you noticed the elf showing his ass…(that reminds me of so many people that I know…lol)

Anyway, there is so much to go through, why don’t we just get started!

I have to tell you a quick story about Jersey drivers, who have been, year after year, voted the worst drivers in America.  Here’s a quote from a female Jersey driver:

“I realized I had a road-rage problem when my five-year-old daughter shouted, ‘Pick a fucking lane, you dickhead!’ While sitting in my grocery cart.”

I’m figuring that Ginny, Diaman, and many other Jersey-ites have had similar experiences.  I know I have.

 

Right, so without admitting whether any of this is true or false, I’m presenting it here purely for your enjoyment.  Thanks Paul.

 

 

Don’t you just love the artsy-ness of this time of year.  Here’s a picture of me that was “decorated” by one of the kids in one of the classes before the Christmas break. 

No doubt!!!

I’m writing this early Saturday morning, a few hours after the last Dragon Laffs was posted.  And right now, it’s snowing, turning into sleet and frozen rain, turning into rain mixed into ice, snow and sleet.  Which, in turn, will turn back into snow later this evening.  Well, right now, everything outside is covered in ice…I mean everything.  A layer of ice on top of the snow that’s still on the ground and making even stepping outside a treacherous and highly dangerous endeavor.  So, this first video is exactly what is going on around here.  But, it is still funny.

So, diamonds are like the hardest substances on earth…right?  Let’s see…

 

Hydraulic Press – 1, Diamond – 0

I would have never, ever thought that I would have sat through a ten-minute video about a seat on a plane, but since there were so many millions of views AND it came recommended by Kim Komando, I just had to!  Here’s what Kim has to say about the video:  Nearly 27 million people looked on in awe as filmmaker and YouTube personality Casey Neistat shared a rare glimpse into the luxury high-flying lifestyle of first-class seating on Emirates Airlines. Neistat received an upgrade while traveling from Dubai to New York City. The seat comes with a $21,000 price tag.
Neistat described the experience as one of “the greatest days in my entire life.” Besides high-end drinks, Neistat got his own sliding doors, a writing kit, total privacy, plenty of room to stretch out his legs, and a large touchscreen television. It’s more of a hotel room than an airline seat. Regular passengers may snack on peanuts, but the sunglasses-wearing Neistat received caviar. He even took a hot shower. This video is the closest most of us will ever get to such eye-popping in-flight luxury.

Just….wow!

 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach “.

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you’re eating and see if that does the trick”.

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to the diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what probably was making her sick.”

The younger doctor said “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind I think I’ll try that at the next house”.

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.
She said that she just didn’t have the energy she once did and said “I’m feeling terribly run down lately “.

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps”.

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church, but how did you arrive at it?”.

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and, when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the priest under the bed.”

 

This is the tree that’s in the lobby of DL&LL Enterprises.  Yes, you can assume that there is just a tiny bit of magic involved.

Oh, and ain’t it the truth!  He also knows when you’re bluffing at cards and will take you for everything you own and not think twice about it.

Holiday shopping facts by the numbers 

Sales this holiday season are expected to hit $1 trillion in the United States. Of the $1 trillion, $98 billion will be online sales.  That is, without a doubt, my favorite way to shop!  Online, that is.

The average consumer will spend around $1100 on their holiday gifts. Millennials living in places like Brooklyn, Austin, and Portland are expected to spend more than most people—up to $500 more.  Okay, that’s an awful lot….I wouldn’t have thought that it would have averaged that much.  But, if you think about it, for every large family that spends more on Christmas, there’s a smaller family, or single person who doesn’t spend anywhere near as much.  So, I guess it all balances out.

While online shopping is convenient, people still do enjoy visiting brick-and-mortar stores. One of the aforementioned surveys found that 66 percent of respondents planned to research gifts online, but they will then head to the store to check it out in person and buy it.  I can honestly say that I have NEVER done it that way.  Now, I have done it the other way, saw something out at the store that I liked, and went home and bought it online because it was less expensive.

A 2016 survey revealed that 22% of the 1,000 respondents shop on the toilet.  I REALLY didn’t need to know that.  I now have this picture in my head of Lethal Leprechaun sitting on the toilet while ordering the beef, turkey, pork, (just to name a few) jerkies for me for Christmas.  If you’ll excuse me, I need to go wash my brain out with bleach.

Around 50% of holiday shoppers are planning on getting loved ones clothes for Christmas. In 2014, holiday shoppers spent $40 million at U.S. clothing stores.

There’s a pretty solid chance that the gift you received was on sale. More than 75 percent of respondents in the former shopping survey said that a sale would impact at least one of their holiday gift purchases.  I wouldn’t expect anything less.  With the exception of the “very specific gifts” that I KNOW what I have to get, all the rest I get at the best price possible.

Most shoppers confirm around half of their gifts were planned. The other half? Complete impulse buys.  Now that one I understand completely.

Holiday shopping can account for up to 30 percent of a retailer’s annual sales.  Wow!

One survey found that 29 percent of consumers largely completed their holiday shopping before Black Friday. In another survey, shoppers said they would start shopping in October or earlier.  No way!  Not a chance in hell!  If it doesn’t say “December” in the date, this dragon hasn’t even thought about Christmas shopping.

Pet owners will spend an average of $62 on their furbabies this season.

Around 58% of consumers will buy gifts for themselves, spending an average of about $140 in the process.

An October 2016 survey found that the average shopper would spend more than $200 on decorations, food, flowers, and greeting cards this holiday season.

In the same aforementioned survey, 45 percent of respondents said they were planning to shop at a grocery store for the holidays.  Of course!  Where are you going to get the peach juice for your Peachcombers?

According to one retail study, in 2015 the most popular time of the year to return retail purchases was during lunch on December 26. The Midwest saw some of the highest rates of holiday gift returns, with return rates of more than 19 percent the week after Christmas (comparing dollars of purchases and dollars returned). January 2, 2016 was the most popular day to return items during that month.

I know most of you know Karl (K2) at least from some of the stuff he’s submitted.  Well, K2 sent me this little article / essay and, even though it has nothing to do with Christmas, it still says things in a way that makes me jealous that I didn’t say it or write it.  And I think that it is something that all of us need to understand.

Quote from a WWII veteran overhearing someone say that `You can’t bomb an ideology.”

“The hell you can’t, because we did it. These Muslims are no different than the [Imperial] Japanese.

The Japs had their suicide bombers too. And we stopped them. What it takes is the resolve and will to use a level of brutality and violence that your generations can’t stomach.

And until you can, this shit won’t stop. It took us on the beaches with bullets, clearing out caves with flame throwers, and men like LeMay burning down their cities, killing people by the tens of thousands. And then it took 2 atom bombs on top of it.  Plus we had to bomb the shit out of German cities to get them to quit fighting.

But, if that was what it took to win, we were willing to do it. Until you are willing to do the same…well I hope you enjoy this shit, because it ain’t going to stop!”

Back then, we had leadership, resolve, resources and determination.

Today we’re afraid to hurt people’s feelings….and worry about which bathroom to pee in!

He also goes on to say, “Unless you are willing to be as unreasonable and as brutal as your enemy, do not engage him in any conflict – because he will win.” 

And that, more than anything else is what I hope all our enemies are thinking now that Trump is going to be the next president.

 

So, I thought I was done with videos, but then I got this one from The Green One.  And as many of us out there who are from this part of the country, I just had to add it in.

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 come before 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

What could possibly be better than Motivational Posters?  Christmas Motivational Posters!

That is the honest truth.  I have no idea what it is about that guy, he’s an old, fat man that dresses in a red velvet suit.  And yet, all the girls can’t wait to help him, sit on his lap, or go back to his cabin and look at his etchings.

Okay, so that’s just wrong!  In SO many ways!

Yeah, buddy!
I’ve got a myth that needs busting!

Well…if nothing else, it will keep the neighbors from complaining.

Some how I don’t think that Mrs. Dragon or Molly is going to allow either myself or Lethal Leprechaun in exchanging gifts with this one.

My Klingon to English Dictionary wouldn’t translate Hu’tegh petaQpu.  The best I could come up with is that Hu’tegh means either “bah” or “darn”

I was on a voyage once with Inigo Montoya and he told me that he asked Santa for the same thing!  What are the odds?

I told Lethal that would be an awesome addition to the little pub we keep for the upper echelon at DL&LL Enterprises.

There’s more?  More?  How many more Christmas Motivationals could there possibly be?

And haven’t we all been there once or twice?  Why, I remember the time….
More Motivationals!

And that would be the end of the motivationals….wasn’t that a surprise?

And let’s end today’s issue with one of the very best explanations of Christmas ever given by a cartoon character.  And every year, at the company Christmas party, Linus will get up with Charlie Brown, (they are usually both drunk off their asses) and they will replay the same scene.

Charlie Brown: Isn’t there anyone who knows what Christmas is all about?!

Linus: Sure Charlie Brown, I can tell you what Christmas is all about. Lights please. “And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And lo the angel of the Lord came down upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not; for, behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you: Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace and goodwill towards men.” That’s what Christmas is all about Charlie Brown.

May your holiday season be one to remember and be filled with love, laughter and happiness!!!