Dragon Laffs

Well it finally happened, we had our first of soon to be many; “Heat Advisory issued July 29 at 10:13AM CDT until July 29 at 7:00PM CDT by NWS Houston – Galveston”  on Saturday with promises of; “High temperatures near 103 degrees and heat index values 107 to 110 degrees across the all of the advisory area.”

Now is the time of year where hot tubs are covered to keep them cool, not hot and you don’t use the heater in them you use 5 pound blocks of ice to lower the temps.

Let’s get this started before it gets too hot for me to commute back to Keebler Towers.

Too hot for regular coffee so I’ve switched to iced coffee. Oh- the stone with the handle? Goes in the freezer, that way you keep your cold drinks colder longer with less ice to dilute them when you rest them on it.

And in case you’re wondering that’s the real reason behind the up coming eclipse -the broiling of Texas.

Yup we know. There is a Solar Eclipse event in our near future. As always we here at DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises are right on top of this. Well…okay…some of us are anyway. There might be one of us who is too busy hiding from a wholly  illogical fear/ unfounded threat of trailer towed  gas operated Flora Waste Compaction Devices.

Lethal looks around for Impish before whispering “You know- Wood Chippers”

“In fact…I…umm…Please excuse me just a moment I do apologies but frankly this hypochondriac Dracomulchaphobia boloney of Impish’s has gone on quite far enough I feel it necessary to immediately counsel him on his irrational behavior.”

Lethal attaches a Go Pro to his suit lapel then exits stage right. A moment later he’s at what appears to be a cargo lift. He does something with his phone and suddenly you hear Impish’s voice carefully stating “Coffee, Virgins, Cigars, Bacon and Jerky. This is my voice recognition password string”  The doors part and Lethal enters. A moment later the doors reopen and Lethal walks into Impish’s office.

Impish who looks horribly worn down seems to be attempting to divide his time between doing what ever it is that is strewn all over his desk, peering fearfully out the French doors of his private terrace and fitfully listening at his door all the while muttering to himself about wood chippers, gore, gas engines and strange sounds.

Lethal strides right up to Impish and firmly grabs an earlobe, much like a mother with a recalcitrant child, and proceeds to apply thumb nail pressure until suddenly he has Impish’s undivided attention. Impish begins to open his mouth in protest but Lethal finger jabs him in the end of the nose before he can commence whining.

“NO! YOU JUST SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB AND LISTEN! This bollocks about wood chippers has gone on sodden well long enough you right git!  ENOUGH ALREADY!

You have about as much chance of being compacted by a wood chipper as the entire planet does of seeing the Sol star consumed by one. Now I suggest you get a hold of yourself and I’m NOT referring to in a manner requiring personal lubricants, bloody well straighten your act up and start acting like the level headed troublesome sidekick I’ve known these past 7 years. OTHERWISE, I’ll be forced to seriously consider booking you into The Hokey Pokey Clinic for a prolonged series of sessions with Dr. Phil, Nurse Barney. Plus several lab times with Dr. Frank N. Furter until such time as one of them can locate the reason, psychological or physical, why your brain seems to be so firmly lodged up your bum! AM I CLEAR?!”

Impish whimpers as the thumb nail pressure on his earlobe has grown more and more intense through out Lethal’s “Come to Jesus Counseling Session” and carefully nods.

“I believe you Lethal. You’d tease me a lot and maybe deceive me a little, but never outright lie to me. If you’re will to make that kind of assertion, I’ll take your word for it and quit worrying about it. I’m sorry.”

Much less forcefully, Lethal says as he releases Impish’s ear, “Good! Nice to have you back among the numbers of the nearly sane. Now clean up this mess first and finish your paperwork. I’ll see to it some Brown Gold and a full on Deli Platter for 6 made with my stash, including the Pastrami, Potato Salad and Kosher Pickles gets sent up here.

Remember I promised you’ve got nothing to worry about a giant wood chipper will eat the sun before you ever get eaten by one.”

Impish nods while rubbing his tormented ear and returns to his desk to begin reordering all the papers on it as Lethal returns down stairs.

Now where was I? Oh yes! In fact on the 16th I’ll have nearly an entire issue devoted to the upcoming event full of educational and informational features on the rare event. I’ve been lucky enough in my life to witness an Annular and a Total Solar Eclipse from near perfect locations, the former in 1994 and the later in 1970. I’ve also witnessed about half a dozen Lunar Partial/Full Eclipses. What? KILLER date material! You take a nice lady someplace private and dark away from bright lights with a great view Then there is all this time to kill because you went early to get the best location.

Huh? Question? Sure! Yes I did tell Impish that a giant wood chipper would eat the sun before he got eaten by one, what of it? The Solar Eclipse? Not sure I follow. Look at it from Impish point of view? [chuckling] Lad my neck isn’t long enough or serpentine  enough to view the word with me head up me… OH BLODDY HELL! HE WOULDN’T think… SIGH!

Lethal runs off stage right yelling for Impish.

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his behind.

“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my rear end.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

I said, “No shit?”

God Bless America!

===============

Interesting fact: The condom was invented by Arabic Muslims in the late 1200s by using the lower intestine of a goat, but was improved upon 600 years later by the British, by removing it from the goat!

 

 

Bush Brothers & Company Recalls Certain Baked Beans in 28 Ounce Cans Due to a Can Seam Issue

For Immediate Release  July 22, 2017

Contact  Consumers  1-800-590-3797

Announcement

Bush Brothers & Company is voluntarily recalling certain 28 ounce cans of Brown Sugar Hickory Baked Beans, Country Style Baked Beans and Original Baked Beans because cans may have defective side seams. These side seam defects may affect can integrity and may cause the cans to leak or allow for harmful bacteria to grow inside the product. Bush Brothers found the issue as part of their quality control inspections.

The recalled products were distributed nationwide in retail stores.

This event only affects the flavors and lot codes below. Lot codes are printed on the bottom of the can.

BUSH’S BEST BROWN SUGAR HICKORY BAKED BEANS 28 ounce with UPC of       0 39400 01977 0 and Lot Codes 6097S GF and 6097P GF with Best By date of Jun 2019

BUSH’S BEST COUNTRY STYLE BAKED BEANS 28 ounce with UPC of 0 39400 01974 9 and Lot Codes 6077S RR, 6077P RR, 6087S RR, 6087P RR with the Best By date of Jun 2019

BUSH’S BEST ORIGINAL BAKED BEANS 28 ounce with UPC of 0 39400 01614 4 and Lot Codes 6057S LC and 6057P LC with the Best By date of Jun 2019

You should not use these products even if the beans do not look or smell spoiled. No illnesses or other adverse consequences have been reported to date in connection with this product.

The recall was initiated after product leakage from the side seams of cans of the above product was detected. Subsequent investigation indicated the problem was caused by a temporary quality issue from Bush’s? can supplier. The problem was corrected and no other product is affected.

Consumers who have purchased the product listed above are urged to call Bush’s Consumer Relations at 1-800-590-3797 between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday through Friday for instructions. Information may also be found on our website at www.bushbeans.com

The bronze rat

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San

Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars.

“I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”

“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

Impish’s latest Capitol Venture- Dragon Farms Turkeys. He’s decided he likes turkey so much that he wants it available for his menu year round and to make sure none get poached he’s having them tattooed with his likeness.

Speaking of Impish right before he went wood chipper whacko he’d told me he’d gotten a new hide out. I asked him if he’d followed my security suggestions. Answering in the affirmative he indicated he’d even taken my advice about a gate on the approach and keeping things low key. Somehow I think our definitions of low key are considerably different.

Sounds about right to me!

Case in point:

Sir Big Chief?  Big Chief Sir Knight?

Priest’s retirement speech

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The democrat mayor and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, the mayor was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”;

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the mayor arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the mayor. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”

“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

Wow! Mother Nature is really bringing it!

A blonde enters a pet store. She looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

‘SEX FROGS’

Only $20 each!

Comes with ‘complete’ instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ‘I’ll TAKE one!’

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise … NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions … please call the pet store.’

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!’

The man … looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and STERNLY says:

‘LISTEN TO ME!!

I’m only going to show you how to do this

ONE MORE TIME…

=========

TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital.

“How are you grandpa?” He asks.

“Feeling fine.” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”

“No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

“What are you people doing” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well”.

“The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed”.

Oh how I wish that were actually me…lounging by the cookie jar, relaxing, enjoying the sun, but no!  I’ve been in hiding ever since … well … it seems like forever. 

But, before we get into that, I have a special favor to ask of all of you.  Jeanie (Diaman’s Sister) fell and broke her collar bone.  Now, Diaman says she’ll be fine.  She won’t require any surgery, just a sling for a few weeks (OUCH!  Okay!  Okay!  Six weeks is NOT “just a few weeks!” Wow!  For having a busted collar bone you still have a heck of a punch!  A PINCH!??!  THAT was a PINCH!??!  Oh, I am not a baby!  NO!  Don’t do it again!)

Ahem!  Miss Jeanie will be in a sling for about SIX weeks and then possibly some physical therapy after that.  So, from all of us…

And to really help you along, a threat…

And if you knew who my doctor was, you really will…

 

Do you remember this picture that Lethal had?

He said it wasn’t blood in the chipper, it was sap from a particular kind of tree.  And I believe him.  Hell, I saw the guys take down the trees to help with my landings and I deeply appreciate the kindness and thoughtfulness that Lethal put into that for me.  He is my brother and has my back always…

But…

Every little noise I hear sounds like a wood chipper.

Every odor I smell, smells like gasoline fumes.

Every time I close my eyes I dream of:

Or this:

I…I think I have a phobia.

Dracomulchaphobia.

I need to see someone.  Someone who can help me with my fears.

I did a google search for doctors who can help with the fear of wood chippers.  Do you know there is not a single one?!  Not one!  The best I could come up with is a doctor who specializes in Alchmophobia.  That’s the fear of sharp objects.  (I’d just call that common sense myself).

Anybody out there know of anyone who can help me with this problem?

Anyone?

Don’t all answer at the same time.

Okay….

Well…if you think of anyone, just … well … just add it to the comments and maybe where ever I move my hideout to, I’ll have internet access. 

For now then…

Great!  A wood font. 

Did you know?
There are more airplanes in the oceans than there are submarines in the sky? (And the Mr. Obvious Award goes to…..Papa Dragon Most Senior!  Thanks for that Dad.)

“Don’t Touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License Agreement.  In the end, you ignore everything and click “I agree.”

That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering.  Do you vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?

No, it’s not my sister.  Just what I thought was an appropriate picture for today.  And while we’re on the subject, there’s a rumor going round that Jeanie got her shoulder hurt by being near my landing pond during a particularly … um … ungraceful landing of mine.  That is patently not true.  Besides, the court records are all sealed, the payments have been made and don’t let the next cartoon lead you to any wrong conclusions.

Did you know?
There is a species of antelope capable of jumping higher than the average house.  This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house has an extremely low jumping height.  (Already given out the award, but if not, it would go to the same guy.  Thanks Dad.)

If a woman says, “Do what you want.” DO NOT DO WHAT YOU WANT!  Stand still.  Do not blink.  Don’t even breathe.  Just play dead.

Okay, I’m warning you right now!  If you have a low constitution you should just skip this one completely!  YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

Two Chinese brothers named Hing and Ming were devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom; however, each differed greatly on how it was to be found.
One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all its feathers. The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university. Having studied ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer to the chicken’s illness was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken’s mouth for two months. Each day he prepared the tea leaves in different recipes, coming up with dozens of courses for the sick chicken.
Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum tree leaves. Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success in this same venture, decided that the problem was quantity. Ming trusted his ancestors; after all, his family had always given him sound advice.
He gathered whole carloads of leaves and brewed barrels of the tea and poured them into the chicken for two months, all the time extolling the virtues and honor of his family’s ancestors.
Unfortunately, after two months of treatment, the chicken was still sick and naked as a bowling ball.
Apparently, all of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’s kin, couldn’t make gum tea refeather a hen.

So, Papa Dragon is trying to make up for his earlier submissions.  Here’s one for the golfers:

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,’ she told him.
‘Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’ the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hand at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ‘How does that feel’?

‘Feels great,’ he replied; ‘but I still think my thumb’s broken!’

Why does it have to keep being wood?  What’s that noise?

I don’t know…it looks like Mother Nature and she looks pissed!

Talk about living in a bad neighborhood!

Wow!  Just…Wow!

 

And yet they are STILL talking about Russian interference!  Go figure!

This is pretty amazing!

How in the world did he do that????

 

This next video is wild.  It’s called: When you want to play solos like Slash but your parents made you learn piano.

Some of the classes that the Ninja Kitties in training have to do is quite interesting.

 

Today’s Last Word was sent in by Diaman and it perfectly expresses the Love and Importance that Lethal and I feel for everyone of you…because we give to you are most precious gift of all.

The last wishes of Alexander the Great…

On his death bed, Alexander summoned his army generals and told them his three ultimate wishes:

1. The best doctors should carry his coffin.

2. The wealth he has accumulated (money, gold, precious stones) should be scattered along the procession to the cemetery.

3. His hands should be let loose, so they hang outside the coffin for all to see.

One of his generals who was surprised by these unusual requests asked Alexander to explain.

Here is what Alexander the Great had to say:

1. “I want the best doctors to carry my coffin to demonstrate that in the face of death, even the best doctors in the world have no power to heal.”

2. “I want the road to be covered with my treasure so that everybody sees that material wealth acquired on earth, will stay on earth.”

3. I want my hands to swing in the wind, so that people understand that we come to this world empty handed and we leave this world empty handed after the most precious treasure of all is exhausted, and that is:

TIME.

We do not take to our grave any material wealth.

TIME is our most precious treasure because it is LIMITED. We can produce more wealth, but we cannot produce more time.

When we give someone our time, we actually give a portion of our life that we will never take back. Our time is our life!

The best present that you can give to your family and friends is your TIME.

May you be granted plenty of TIME, to share with all.

And that, dear friends, is all the time I have this week.  Until next time.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

FAIR WARNING!: I’m tired, cranky, in pain, under caffeinated and hot.

We’re into the time of year where the triple digit temps live. They’ve arrived early and the humidity from all the recent rains is still hanging around as is the cloud cover. It reminds me of trying to live in a slow cooker.

It doesn’t cool off much at night (mid 80’s if we’re lucky) and as a result all the asshat ghetto monkeys are all outside drinking, making noise and leaving their garbage all over. They think nothing of blaring the radios in their cars at 11, 1 or 2 AM because they can’t sleep. The Sheriffs Department has more important priorities, like chasing carjackers for 2 hours up and down the roads around me replete with low flying helicopters and their sunspot spotlights lighting up everything only to lose the carjackers AND the car.

As a result I’m not in a particularly friendly or talkative mood so how about we skip the chit chat and just get to what you came here for shall we?

Mean time I’m going fishing to try and improve my mood.

Well Caffeine… and Donuts!

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her one word: comfortable.”

The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly … com-for-da-bull.”

Sweaty boobs? Bring them to our Wednesday Night Wet T-shirt Contest at the all new Lecherous Lizard Lounge located in Party Mountain! We’ll see they’re no longer sweaty and all nice and hand washed for you! [This ad paid for by Impish Dragon]

So once again Molly and I are planning on attempting to move. We nearly did it back in 2014 I believe it was. Luckily we woke up and realized that not only were were lied to about several direct questions we had asked, but that the Property Management Company had recently changed the name of the complex twice in an attempt to hide it’s bad reputation for ignoring the tenants needs and requests.

Not only that but in the 2016 Memorial Day Flooding that occurred the building in the complex we were to have moved into was on the news showing the cars in the paring area completely submerged.

This time we’re looking in going in the opposite direct, since Molly’s work place has move location which will put us North and out of the City of Houston in a smaller town, where hopefully the crime rate will be significantly better.

One of the things we’ve been looking at and considering was the possibility of buying our own home. Molly was quite taken with the one in the lower photo, that is until I bought out the upper one.

Randy Newman – A Few Words in Defense of Our Country (Official Video)

 

Randy Newman performs the song “A Few Words in Defense of Our Country,” from his 2008 album Harps and Angels.
When the song was first released as a single in 2007, its lyrics published as an op-ed in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times called it a “three-decades-on bookend to Political Science … so funny it hurt,” and Rolling Stone named it #2 on its list of the year’s best singles.

A Few Words in Defense of Our Country

I’d like to say a few words
In defense of our country
Whose people aren’t bad nor are they mean
Now the leaders we have
While they’re the worst that we’ve had
Are hardly the worst this poor world has seen

Let’s turn history’s pages, shall we?

Take the Caesars for example
Why within the first few of them
They were sleeping with their sister
Stashing little boys in swimming pools
And burning down the City
And one of ‘em, one of ‘em
Appointed his own horse Consul of the Empire
That’s like vice president or something
That’s not a very good example, is it?
But wait, here’s one, the Spanish Inquisition
They put people in a terrible position
I don’t even like to think about it
Well, sometimes I like to think about it

Just a few words in defense of our country
Whose time at the top
Could be coming to an end
Now we don’t want their love
And respect at this point is pretty much out of the question
But in times like these
We sure could use a friend

Hitler. Stalin.
Men who need no introduction
King Leopold of Belgium. That’s right.
Everyone thinks he’s so great
Well he owned The Congo
He tore it up too
He took the diamonds, he took the gold
He took the silver
Know what he left them with?
Malaria

A President once said,
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”
Now it seems like we’re supposed to be afraid
It’s patriotic in fact and color coded
And what are we supposed to be afraid of?
Why, of being afraid
That’s what terror means, doesn’t it?
That’s what it used to mean

[To the first eight bars of “Columbia The Gem Of The Ocean”]

You know it pisses me off a little
That this Supreme Court is gonna outlive me
A couple of young Italian fellas and a brother on the Court now too
But I defy you, anywhere in the world
To find me two Italians as tight ass as the two Italians we got
And as for the brother
Well, Pluto’s not a planet anymore either

The end of an empire is messy at best
And this empire is ending
Like all the rest
Like the Spanish Armada adrift on the sea
We’re adrift in the land of the brave
And the home of the free

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

True story. See here: http://abc13.com/news/man-arrested-for-meth-had-kitty-litter-not-meth/1690696/

 

Yes Roundabout with Geddy Lee on Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 2017

Progressive rock band Yes are inductees at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction ceremony at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn on April 7, 2017, broadcast on HBO. The band’s co-founding frontman Jon Anderson reunited for a performance of Roundabout from 1971 Fragile with Rush bassist Geddy Lee, guitarist Steve Howe, keyboardist Rick Wakeman, guitarist Trevor Rabin and drummer Alan White.

 

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man whined.

“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lesson.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long moment. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

---

The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him…

“You know that dishwasher you promised me, but never bought me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me, but never bought me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, “Remember that diamond ring you promised me, but never bought me? I bought that, too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?”

“Here it comes.”

 

13 Differences in Regional Food Names You’ll Argue About Forever

A soda by any other name will still taste just as sweet.

Pile cold cuts and cheese into a long Italian roll, and what do you get? In most of the country, you’ll order a submarine sandwich, or sub for short. But in Philadelphia, you’ll see it listed as a hoagie, while New Yorkers call it a hero, and farther north, New Englanders munch on grinders. Other regional names exist too: zeppelins or zeps in eastern Pennsylvania, spuckies (short for spucadella, an Italian roll) in Boston, blimpies in parts of New Jersey, Dagwoods in the upper Midwest, and a wedge in Westchester, New York.

Ask for mangos in a Midwestern supermarket, and you might think the grocer made a mistake by walking you over to green bell peppers. Why the confusion? The first mangoes (the tropical fruit) that came to America were pickled to keep them fresh, so colonists started calling any pickled food a mango. One of the most popular pickled foods was a stuffed green pepper. Kind of like how a pickled cucumber is just a pickle, a mangoed pepper just became a mango, and the name stuck around.

 

The name for those rainbow-colored candies could cause quite a fierce debate during a friendly ice cream outing. Most of the country calls them sprinkles, but around Boston and in some other areas of the Northeast, residents refer to them as jimmies.

Pretty much everywhere in the country, you’ll order a smooth ice cream swirl as a cone of soft serve. But in Vermont, that dessert is called a creemee. Pulling in their famous syrup, a maple creemee is a classic treat for locals.

 

 

“I’ll take a small Coke.” “OK, what kind?” In the Southeast, you’ll hear people asking for a Coke, whether it’s Coca-Cola or a different fizzy drink. In the Northeast and Southwest, customers will order a soda, while in the upper West and Midwest, you’ll find people sipping on pop.

 

 

Order a milkshake in New England, and you might be disappointed when you get an ice cream-free treat, made just with blended frothed milk and syrup. To get the thick dessert drink you crave, you’ll have to order a frappe, or a cabinet if you’re in certain areas of Rhode Island.

 

Nothing says “comfort food” like a creamy pan of veggies, starch, and meat scooped out in a plate. But your family could have a different name depending on where you’re from. Most of the United States calls the entrée a casserole, but some upper Midwestern states call it a hotdish.

 

You might get confused looking for your favorite breakfast food on certain regional menus. Pancakes are known as hot cakes in some areas of the North, and you might see them named flapjacks in the West. Just add syrup and enjoy.

In most places, a jam-filled fried cake has a literal name: a jelly doughnut. But in some Midwestern bakeries, you’ll see these treats marketed as a Bismarck. Now for another polarizing question: grape or strawberry jelly?

 

 

Though there isn’t a strong regional pattern to the name, Americans disagree on what to call the end pieces of bread. Some just call it the end, but most call it the heel. Talk to others, and you’ll hear it referred to as the crust or the butt. Despite all the arguing, we can all agree that they’re the two most rejected slices in the loaf.

 

 

When a friend says he’s serving macaroni, you might expect a pot full of elbow-shaped noodles. But if the chef is Italian American, don’t be surprised if you get a plate of spaghetti—some Italians call all pasta macaroni, regardless of shape.

 

 

That same friend might freak you out by talking about the gravy for that macaroni. But don’t worry, he isn’t giving you leftovers from last night’s turkey dinner—some Italian Americans call tomato sauce gravy. Other families call it ragu, without necessarily meaning the brand name

 

 

Hard candy on a stick is most commonly called a lollipop. In some areas of the South and Midwest, though, you’ll hear them referred to as suckers. But we think the only suckers are the people who would pick a lolly over chocolate for dessert.

 

Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go pick her up.”

---

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

Randy Newman – Political Science (Let’s Drop the Big One Now)

New Word

I couldn’t find it in my old Webster’s dictionary so I Googled it and discovered it is a recently “coined” new word found on T-shirts on eBay: Read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that are within this definition! I love this word and believe that it will become a recognized English word. Finally, a word to describe our current political situation…

INEPTOCRACY

A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

 

Here we go again – old stuff you have (almost) forgotten

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE … WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE … NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

---

Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER … PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK).

Nope, still in a foul mood. I’m ah… I’ll be in my “office”.  Probably be best if I’m not disturbed- anymore than I already am that is.

I hardly ever use the same header multiple times in a row, but I used this one, one more time because I forgot to tell you the story behind the picture.

This was taken by the security cameras outside my home cavern in Indiana as I was returning one afternoon and the picture was such a beautiful one that I just had to use it for Dragon Laffs.  The clouds were just perfect and it was a lovely sunny day.  I landed straight in my private lake and enjoyed the afternoon.  One of the few free moments I’ve had over the last 2 months.

 

The above was written prior to Lethal’s issue on Wednesday and I want you to know that I am alive and well, but I’m in hiding.  The wood chipper thing scared the crap out of me.  I don’t care what he says, that’s not red sap, that’s blood!  And probably dragon’s blood.  I’m trying to check on my friends and relatives, but I have to be careful because that might just be a way of trying to draw me out.

Everything sounds like a wood chipper.

I turned on my electric razor this morning and ran from the bathroom screaming because I thought someone had turned on a wood chipper.  Granted, when my beard gets bristly it needs a wood chipper or a weed eater or something, but still…I TURNED IT ON.  I need a break.  I know he’s out there.  I can hear him.

Sound of a knock at the door.

Oh, excuse me for a second.  That’s probably my breakfast.

Sound of footsteps on the floor and then a door opening. 

Hi.  How much do I … oh hey Lethal.  You didn’t see a kid with my …..  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!   How did you find me!?!  Not the wood chipper!!!!  NO!  NO!!!

Thud!

More sounds of footsteps across the floor.

Hi folks.  Lethal Leprechaun here.  That sound you just heard was the idiotic blue dragon passing out and hitting the floor.  You’ll notice you didn’t hear the sound of a carcass being dragged across the floor or the sound of a wood chipper or anything else starting up, right? 

But that doesn’t mean I won’t take advantage of the situation to play a prank on my best bud.  Hee, Hee, Hee!

It’s a good thing he’s got his issue complete, so …

Without further ado…

Bank robbery scenes in movies tend to be very exciting. But this attempt didn’t go as planned! These robbers fail miserably before they even get in the door. You won’t believe the simple solution that stopped them in their tracks. Watch how this bank employee was able to keep everyone safe.

Yup, it looks to me like he locked the door.  That was pretty damn quick and pretty damn smart if you ask me!

One of my blue brothers.  Yes, he is an albino blue dragon.  You can tell by just the tiniest hint of blue under his wings.

Does running late count as exercise?

When one door closes, sometimes you want to get a hammer and nails to make sure that bitch stays shut!

I’ve decided I’m not old…I’m 25 plus shipping and handling.

I’m tired of getting fucked in ways that don’t end in an orgasm.

Should have sent this one to Lethal for his wiener exposé last issue.  Sadly, I just now found it, so … here’s to you Lethal!

Man!  I just love Halloween around this place!

Baggy the housemeow has always been a tough little cookie, but I never thought she was this degree of crazy. All is well, everything settled, and her & Noey (the lion) are back on speaking terms.

Ahhh, those were the days!!!

This next one is filed under the category of “Oldie, but Goodie.”  Kind of like me.  LOL.  Sent in by Diaman.  Thanks Mom.

Little Bobby and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bobby goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bobby bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was simply adorable,  Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bobby , you are only 10.   Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it,  Bobby replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bobby instantly replies, “Our allowance,  Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week.  That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith is impressed Bobby has put so much thought into this.

“Well, Bobby , it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bobby just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.” 

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable.

Oh my…so much truth, so early in the morning.  I’m gonna get another cup of coffee, let’s find something funny next.

Okay, so seriously, one of my very worst nightmares.  The damn mosquitos love me anyway, and to dream about one …. doing what these guys ….ugh!

And what in the world is wrong with our television anymore.  This is what I found on the guide the other day:

Come on!  Really? 

This next one comes from Papa Dragon Most Senior.  I’ve seen it before and I’ve read it before and in fact, we had to memorize this in school.  I’ll bet that’s not the case now.  But I agree with the statement that this needs to go to every computer in the U.S.

‘In  the first place, we should insist that if the immigrant who comes here in good faith becomes an American and assimilates himself to us, he shall be treated on an exact equality with everyone else, for it is an outrage to  discriminate against any such man because of creed, or birthplace, or origin. But this is predicated upon the person’s becoming in every facet an American, and nothing but an American…There can be no divided allegiance here. Any man who says he is an American, but something else also, isn’t an American at all.  We have room for but one flag, the American  flag… We have room for but one language here, and that is the English language.. And we have room for but one sole loyalty and that is a  loyalty to the American people.’ 
Theodore  Roosevelt 1907

This is what our education system is coming to…

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside.

He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.

Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo.

“Why aren’t you vacuuming the car?” he asked.

“Because the extension cord wouldn’t reach,” was the reply.

Exasperated, the teacher stated, “That’s why I gave you TWO extension cords.”

“We tried the other one,” a student answered, “but it wouldn’t reach either.”

So you think you’re having a bad day…

Then you step outside of your house and look up into a beautiful blue sky and see this:

All of a sudden, that smile comes back to your face and you say to yourself, “Now THAT’S a big ass balloon!” And things don’t seem quite so bad.

 

  Today’s last word is an example of how hot it gets in a closed car.

I saw this little wooden thermometer (about a foot tall) and put it on the dashboard of my car when I got home from work…in the evening … when the sun was beginning to go down and the day was starting to cool off.

Look close at the bottom of the thermometer.  Here, let me help you out a little bit.

 That is a blown bulb at the bottom of the glass.  Granted, it wasn’t the most expensive measuring device I’ve ever purchased, but how hot does it have to get, how high OVER 120 degrees, to actually blow the glass up?

Now, the next time you think about leaving a pet, heaven forbid, a child in the car, think about what that kind of heat can do!

It’s summer time and I hear all the time on the news about kids dying, parents being charged with murder, for leaving their kids in the car while they “run in real quick”.  There’s a lady I heard about just today who left her child in the car while she ran in to get her hair done.  She’s being charged with murder.  And it’s times like this that I think the punishment should fit the crime.  The agony that poor child must have been in.  This lady should be terminated the same way.  Put her in a hot car, with the windows all rolled up, in a car seat that she can’t get out of (just like her child) and stay there until she is dead, dead, dead.

Just my humble opinion.

And I’m out!

Cheers!

[The Taisech is the Celtic/Gaelic/Irish equivalent to the Italian Godfather only meaner due to his Irish temper. (BTW the font is called Corleone One )]

Terrance comes out to the podium does his best scowl you milling about before shouting out “Alright youse guys! Find yer seats fast before sumbuddy get hoit! Da big boss wants he should say a few woids now so shaddaup you faces already!”

He turns beaming at Lethal who is just standing there staring at him with an expression that is a cross between disapproval and disbelief. He then shakes his head before face palming.

Once he regains his composure he makes the come here gesture with his finger at Terrance who sheepishly goes over to him. Lethal makes a gesture for him to bend down so he might whisper in Terrance’s ear, which he does. Lethal seizes Terrance’s earlobe much to Terrance’s obvious extreme discomfort and begins speaking rapidly into the ear he’s so painfully holding on to. Terrance alternates between nodding and negatively shaking his head, as much as he can given it tugs on his ear to do either. Suddenly Lethal grow quiet, and releases the ear abruptly. Terrance’s hand immediately comes up to the ear as he receives a sharp slap to the back of the head.

Terrance’s other hand now comes up to grab the back of his head at this new pain. Lethal then, still scowling at him points off stage and motivates his movement in that direction while encouraging him not to dawdle with a swift knee in the arse.

Grumbling something under his breath about the obvious effects of Dragon Behavioral Poisoning and the need to find a replacement for Terrance as Impish’s Assistant before it becomes Acute Dragon Behavioral Poisoning he mounts the podium.

Good morning,

First I’d like to say thank you to all of you for taking this meeting.

Impish did something really dumb Saturday, he wantonly and publicly in a big way. He violated one of the sacred tenants of any male relationship, the ‘Sa Chód deartháir’ (or for you NY/NJ people) ‘Il Codice dei Fratelli’.

For the rest of you those both translate to the same thing- ‘The Code of Brothers’.  You know might know it better by the modern term “The Bro Code”. It is an unwritten code of traditions governing acceptable behavior between a group of males, be it 2 or 2 Billion, who are so bound in friendship that they consider themselves the same as blood kin brothers.

What’s that? A question? Well speak up man! The Opening Banner? Does that mean I went all Richard Crafts on him or even worse fed him through the wood chipper alive?

ROFLMAO! Funny you should raise that question, its actually a pretty funny story-

See that not blood in the chipper, oh I know it LOOKS like blood, but its actually tree sap from a  Pterocarpus angolensis, or wild teak a.k.a Bloodwood for obvious reasons.  When you cut into it, it dribbles long trails of dark-red liquid down its trunk.. Tannins cause the dark red color of the sap.

Impish had been after me to allow the removal of some trees at one end of the Camp/Picnic grounds to allow him to come in lower for a landing and there for landings that didn’t mess u the camp/picnic grounds or hurt for him quite as much. See Impish is great at flying but sucks at landings as you might have noticed. While he occasionally manages a semi-decent one, most are more akin (more or less) to controlled crashes.

Anyway shortly after grousing about his violating the Bro Code and threatening retaliation, the arborist arrived to remove said trees for him as it turned out to be cheaper than building a crash damage containment/mitigation section to the end of the runway. I went and knocked on his door to get him to go with them and show them exactly which trees he wanted down. In hindsight I guess pounding on the door and yelling-

“Hey wise guy! Look outside you big blue backstabbing gecko!”

Might not have been the best course of action I have could take at the time as apparently he did, also too the red stain for blood and promptly boogied for parts unknown! I sent them to take down the tress I had marked but so far Impish still has not shown up anywhere, nor is he calling in. Hopefully this has to do with something else important he has going in in his rather vexing “real life” delusion this week and isn’t because he thinks I’m going to kill him because I’m not. Instead I intend to spend the entire issue making jokes at his expense instead until he remembers why violating the Bro Code with dick jokes to make up for your own inadequacies in said area  simply isn’t ever done, especially to your best bro “lest you incur heavy penalties.”

Let’s get this sucker started shall we?

 

 

 

ROFL! OMG! TOO funny! Impish is trying the old “multiple me” shtick!

Too bad he’s forced to use such bad likenesses of him! Here’s a shot on the one at the Campground currently “entertaining” the kids of our corporate employees! 

Ok before we get too far along and I get all wrapped up in making Impish atone for his flagrant violation of The Bro Code, lets get one important item out of the way right off, THEN I’ll get down to the serious work.

My condolences to Mrs. Dragon. Just think had you given in to your baser instinct and done away with him when he first presumed to propose you’d be out on parole by now for his murder!

Of course I’d be short a Bro Code breaking best bud, we wouldn’t be having this blog and you’d have lost the opportunity to torment him for so long!

Speaking of torment, let’s get right to it.

Speaking of Marriage Rules some advice for Impish…

And now to help celebrate their momentous occasion-

A honest to god Dragon sized Donut!

There’s no shortage of sweet and savory items on the menu at Stray Dogs in Tucson Arizona, but when it comes to dessert, you can’t miss a doughnut called The B.F.D., aka “the big freaking doughnut,” according to the chef. Tipping the scales at a whopping 9 pounds, this deep-fried beauty features a hearty smear of gooey chocolate inside and a full-coverage frosting all around.

You’re a DRAGON! There is ALWAYS food between your teeth!

An Anniversary Greeting from Mrs. Dragon to Impish

For the last week to 10 days we’ve been having Storm fronts moving through, Rain Squalls, T-storms and constantly fluctuating barometric pressure. This causes me intense pain in my knees, sometimes to the point I can barely walk or function so I have been spending a lot of time in/on this device and can attest to its comfort and capabilities. To my mind it only for lacks 2 things t make it perfect. Someplace it needs to be fitted with a cooler or possibly a mini fridge. I know, you thought I was going to say coffeemaker, that why mine has a thermal carafe! The second thing is the main area needs to be like one of those Craftmatic Adjustable beds. I could use the comfy looking couch back to sit up and actually get a wee work done but I can’t take having my knees locked out for any prolonged period so if the mattress could bend at the knees I’d be much more comfortable and able to work.

And I’m going to be speaking a LOT of it today!

It’s not ‘something’ that’s bloody hilarious Impish “old pal”- the word you want is ‘someone’ and its you.

We pause the Impish Dragon Roasting and other assorted jocularity for an extremely important Public Service Announcement/Cyber Security Alert.

HIBP Approaching 4 Billion Hacked Accounts. Including Yours?

In the early days of Google, the search engine used to include a message on the front of its site which stated the total number of pages in its index. It was 2004 when Google first hit the major milestone of having crawled and memorized a billion pages.

A few years later the total hit 4 billion, then 8. After that, Google stopped publishing the numbers because it didn’t want to divulge trade secrets to other search engines that might threaten its dominant position.

In the next few weeks, another search engine is going to reach the 4 billion milestone. But this isn’t a database of web pages. It’s a list of hacked email accounts, gathered and curated by Australian security researcher Troy Hunt. Each time hackers manage to obtain the email addresses and account details of a company’s users, and publish them online, Troy grabs a copy of the leak and adds it to his index. There are now 3.8 billion email addresses in there, and I hear rumor of another hack that might be about to add 120 million new entries.

Troy’s database is at www.haveibeenpwned.com and the idea is that you use it occasionally to check that your own email address isn’t listed in there. If it is, the system will tell you where it came from, and thus which of your passwords you need to change.

If you haven’t searched for your own email addresses on www.haveibeenpwned.com, take a minute to do so now. And do it again in a couple of months, just in case.

You all know how careful I am and what I do for a living so imagine my surprise when I found one there listed for me!

Fortunately it was for a site I used only one time and abandoned years ago but still better safe than sorry!

We now return you to the Dragon Roast already in progress.

Say These 9 Words, and We’ll Tell You Where You Grew Up

If said a certain way, these words and phrases are a dead giveaway to where you’re from.

What we call insects that glow at night

 

Some words are like out-of-state license plates—they’re dead giveaways that you’re not from around here. Just try rhyming aunt with can’t in parts of the Northeast or Upper Midwest (you cahn’t) or ordering a sub in Philadelphia, the epicenter of hoagie country. Not convinced? Check out this list of 13 foods that have totally different regional names. In recent years, linguists have pondered whether the homogenizing effects of TV, film, and the Internet have begun to eliminate many so-called regionalisms. To find out, Josh Katz surveyed Americans about how we talk for his book, Speaking American. The good news, based on the 350,000 responses received: American English shows no sign of disappearing. So slip off your sneakers (more on that later), grab a soft drink (ditto), and let’s take a tour of Americanisms.

[We’ll be doing the foods one next issue]

What we call a sale of household items

 

How we address a group of people

 

What we call carbonated beverages

 

Where we throw our trash

 

What we haul freight in

 

What we drink from in public places

 

What we call athletic footwear

 

How many syllables in caramel?

 

Well THAT explains why Impish cooks and does the laundry!

I told Impish not to toss his cigar butts in the toilet when he’s done!

OK sorry to interrupt again but we have a Consumer Alert- No Joke

RECALL: Hot Dog Products Marathon Enterprises Inc. Recalls Sabrett Hot Dog Products Due to Possible Extraneous Material Contamination

Class I Recall 082-2017

Health Risk: High
July 15, 2017

Congressional and Public Affairs
Gabrielle N. Johnston
(202) 720-9113
Press@fsis.usda.gov

WASHINGTON, July 15, 2017- Marathon Enterprises Inc., a Bronx, N.Y. establishment, is recalling approximately 7,196,084 pounds of hot dog products that may be contaminated with extraneous materials, specifically bone fragments, the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety and Inspection Service (FSIS) announced today.

The beef and pork hot dog and sausage items were produced on various dates between March 17, 2017 and July 4, 2017. A number of products are subject to recall.

The products subject to recall bear establishment number “EST. 8854” inside the USDA mark of inspection. These items were shipped to retail and institutional locations nationwide.                

The problem was discovered through FSIS’ Consumer Compliant Monitoring System (CCMS) on July 10, 2017. Complaints stated that extraneous material, specifically pieces of bone, were found within the product.

Click Here for Full List of Products

There has been one reported minor oral injury associated with consumption of this product. FSIS has received no additional reports of injury or illness from consumption of these products. Anyone concerned about an injury or illness should contact a healthcare provider.  

Consumers who have purchased these products are urged not to consume them. These products should be thrown away or returned to the place of purchase.

FSIS routinely conducts recall effectiveness checks to verify recalling firms notify their customers of the recall and that steps are taken to make certain that the product is no longer available to consumers. When available, the retail distribution list(s) will be posted on the FSIS website at www.fsis.usda.gov/recalls.

Consumers with questions about the recall can contact John Terminello, Consumer Relations, at 1-800-SABRETT Monday thru Friday 8:30am to 5:15pm.

Once again we return you to the Dragon Roast already in progress.

The stemware for the anniversary party they’ll be having over the weekend

Well we’ve come to the end of the retribution ah errr… ISSUE. Well honestly it wasn’t as retributive over his Bro Code transgressions as it could have been. I figure his fear of the wood chipper and the unintentional hilarity that gave me more than made up for that. No this was more of a loving roast of my best friend in honor of his 22nd Anniversary, something I in all likelihood will never live to see.

OH! WAIT! One more!

OK NOW we’re totally done- except for this last thought for Impish:

5” of running water is not deep by any standard. Further when I said the water was cold, I was talking about at the bottom of the 10 foot pool we could see 20 feet from us PAL.

Nuff said. <Drops mic>