Leprechaun Laughs # 402 for Wednesday July 26th 2017


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FAIR WARNING!: I’m tired, cranky, in pain, under caffeinated and hot.

We’re into the time of year where the triple digit temps live. They’ve arrived early and the humidity from all the recent rains is still hanging around as is the cloud cover. It reminds me of trying to live in a slow cooker.

It doesn’t cool off much at night (mid 80’s if we’re lucky) and as a result all the asshat ghetto monkeys are all outside drinking, making noise and leaving their garbage all over. They think nothing of blaring the radios in their cars at 11, 1 or 2 AM because they can’t sleep. The Sheriffs Department has more important priorities, like chasing carjackers for 2 hours up and down the roads around me replete with low flying helicopters and their sunspot spotlights lighting up everything only to lose the carjackers AND the car.

As a result I’m not in a particularly friendly or talkative mood so how about we skip the chit chat and just get to what you came here for shall we?

Mean time I’m going fishing to try and improve my mood.

Fluffy-Becker

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Well Caffeine… and Donuts!

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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, “When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I’ll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.”

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, “I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I’ve bought a bull for our ranch.

I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.”

The telegraph operator explains that he’ll be glad to help her, then adds, “It’s just 99 cents a word.” Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, “I want you to send her one word: comfortable.”

The operator shakes his head. “How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word ‘comfortable’?”

The brunette explains, “My sister’s blonde. The word’s big. She’ll read it very slowly … com-for-da-bull.”

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Sweaty boobs? Bring them to our Wednesday Night Wet T-shirt Contest at the all new Lecherous Lizard Lounge located in Party Mountain! We’ll see they’re no longer sweaty and all nice and hand washed for you! [This ad paid for by Impish Dragon]

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So once again Molly and I are planning on attempting to move. We nearly did it back in 2014 I believe it was. Luckily we woke up and realized that not only were were lied to about several direct questions we had asked, but that the Property Management Company had recently changed the name of the complex twice in an attempt to hide it’s bad reputation for ignoring the tenants needs and requests.

Not only that but in the 2016 Memorial Day Flooding that occurred the building in the complex we were to have moved into was on the news showing the cars in the paring area completely submerged.

This time we’re looking in going in the opposite direct, since Molly’s work place has move location which will put us North and out of the City of Houston in a smaller town, where hopefully the crime rate will be significantly better.

One of the things we’ve been looking at and considering was the possibility of buying our own home. Molly was quite taken with the one in the lower photo, that is until I bought out the upper one.

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Randy Newman – A Few Words in Defense of Our Country (Official Video)

 

Randy Newman performs the song “A Few Words in Defense of Our Country,” from his 2008 album Harps and Angels.
When the song was first released as a single in 2007, its lyrics published as an op-ed in the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times called it a “three-decades-on bookend to Political Science … so funny it hurt,” and Rolling Stone named it #2 on its list of the year’s best singles.

A Few Words in Defense of Our Country

I’d like to say a few words
In defense of our country
Whose people aren’t bad nor are they mean
Now the leaders we have
While they’re the worst that we’ve had
Are hardly the worst this poor world has seen

Let’s turn history’s pages, shall we?

Take the Caesars for example
Why within the first few of them
They were sleeping with their sister
Stashing little boys in swimming pools
And burning down the City
And one of ‘em, one of ‘em
Appointed his own horse Consul of the Empire
That’s like vice president or something
That’s not a very good example, is it?
But wait, here’s one, the Spanish Inquisition
They put people in a terrible position
I don’t even like to think about it
Well, sometimes I like to think about it

Just a few words in defense of our country
Whose time at the top
Could be coming to an end
Now we don’t want their love
And respect at this point is pretty much out of the question
But in times like these
We sure could use a friend

Hitler. Stalin.
Men who need no introduction
King Leopold of Belgium. That’s right.
Everyone thinks he’s so great
Well he owned The Congo
He tore it up too
He took the diamonds, he took the gold
He took the silver
Know what he left them with?
Malaria

A President once said,
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”
Now it seems like we’re supposed to be afraid
It’s patriotic in fact and color coded
And what are we supposed to be afraid of?
Why, of being afraid
That’s what terror means, doesn’t it?
That’s what it used to mean

[To the first eight bars of “Columbia The Gem Of The Ocean”]

You know it pisses me off a little
That this Supreme Court is gonna outlive me
A couple of young Italian fellas and a brother on the Court now too
But I defy you, anywhere in the world
To find me two Italians as tight ass as the two Italians we got
And as for the brother
Well, Pluto’s not a planet anymore either

The end of an empire is messy at best
And this empire is ending
Like all the rest
Like the Spanish Armada adrift on the sea
We’re adrift in the land of the brave
And the home of the free

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.

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True story. See here: http://abc13.com/news/man-arrested-for-meth-had-kitty-litter-not-meth/1690696/

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Yes Roundabout with Geddy Lee on Rock & Roll Hall of Fame 2017

Progressive rock band Yes are inductees at the Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame induction ceremony at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn on April 7, 2017, broadcast on HBO. The band’s co-founding frontman Jon Anderson reunited for a performance of Roundabout from 1971 Fragile with Rush bassist Geddy Lee, guitarist Steve Howe, keyboardist Rick Wakeman, guitarist Trevor Rabin and drummer Alan White.

 

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him. “Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man whined.

“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lesson.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long moment. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”


The Cremated Husband

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him…

“You know that dishwasher you promised me, but never bought me? I bought it with the insurance money!”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me, but never bought me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, “Remember that diamond ring you promised me, but never bought me? I bought that, too, with the insurance money!”

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, “Remember that blow job I promised you?”

“Here it comes.”

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13 Differences in Regional Food Names You’ll Argue About Forever

A soda by any other name will still taste just as sweet.

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Pile cold cuts and cheese into a long Italian roll, and what do you get? In most of the country, you’ll order a submarine sandwich, or sub for short. But in Philadelphia, you’ll see it listed as a hoagie, while New Yorkers call it a hero, and farther north, New Englanders munch on grinders. Other regional names exist too: zeppelins or zeps in eastern Pennsylvania, spuckies (short for spucadella, an Italian roll) in Boston, blimpies in parts of New Jersey, Dagwoods in the upper Midwest, and a wedge in Westchester, New York.

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Ask for mangos in a Midwestern supermarket, and you might think the grocer made a mistake by walking you over to green bell peppers. Why the confusion? The first mangoes (the tropical fruit) that came to America were pickled to keep them fresh, so colonists started calling any pickled food a mango. One of the most popular pickled foods was a stuffed green pepper. Kind of like how a pickled cucumber is just a pickle, a mangoed pepper just became a mango, and the name stuck around.

 

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The name for those rainbow-colored candies could cause quite a fierce debate during a friendly ice cream outing. Most of the country calls them sprinkles, but around Boston and in some other areas of the Northeast, residents refer to them as jimmies.

imagePretty much everywhere in the country, you’ll order a smooth ice cream swirl as a cone of soft serve. But in Vermont, that dessert is called a creemee. Pulling in their famous syrup, a maple creemee is a classic treat for locals.

 

 

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“I’ll take a small Coke.” “OK, what kind?” In the Southeast, you’ll hear people asking for a Coke, whether it’s Coca-Cola or a different fizzy drink. In the Northeast and Southwest, customers will order a soda, while in the upper West and Midwest, you’ll find people sipping on pop.

 

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Order a milkshake in New England, and you might be disappointed when you get an ice cream-free treat, made just with blended frothed milk and syrup. To get the thick dessert drink you crave, you’ll have to order a frappe, or a cabinet if you’re in certain areas of Rhode Island.

 

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Nothing says “comfort food” like a creamy pan of veggies, starch, and meat scooped out in a plate. But your family could have a different name depending on where you’re from. Most of the United States calls the entrée a casserole, but some upper Midwestern states call it a hotdish.

 

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You might get confused looking for your favorite breakfast food on certain regional menus. Pancakes are known as hot cakes in some areas of the North, and you might see them named flapjacks in the West. Just add syrup and enjoy.

imageIn most places, a jam-filled fried cake has a literal name: a jelly doughnut. But in some Midwestern bakeries, you’ll see these treats marketed as a Bismarck. Now for another polarizing question: grape or strawberry jelly?

 

 

imageThough there isn’t a strong regional pattern to the name, Americans disagree on what to call the end pieces of bread. Some just call it the end, but most call it the heel. Talk to others, and you’ll hear it referred to as the crust or the butt. Despite all the arguing, we can all agree that they’re the two most rejected slices in the loaf.

 

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When a friend says he’s serving macaroni, you might expect a pot full of elbow-shaped noodles. But if the chef is Italian American, don’t be surprised if you get a plate of spaghetti—some Italians call all pasta macaroni, regardless of shape.

 

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That same friend might freak you out by talking about the gravy for that macaroni. But don’t worry, he isn’t giving you leftovers from last night’s turkey dinner—some Italian Americans call tomato sauce gravy. Other families call it ragu, without necessarily meaning the brand name

 

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Hard candy on a stick is most commonly called a lollipop. In some areas of the South and Midwest, though, you’ll hear them referred to as suckers. But we think the only suckers are the people who would pick a lolly over chocolate for dessert.

 

Italian Secret to a Long Marriage

At St. Peter’s Catholic Church in Toronto, they have weekly husbands’ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, ‘Wella, I’va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!’

The priest responded, ‘Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?’

Giuseppe proudly replied, “I gonna go pick her up.”


A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.

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Randy Newman – Political Science (Let’s Drop the Big One Now)

New Word

I couldn’t find it in my old Webster’s dictionary so I Googled it and discovered it is a recently “coined” new word found on T-shirts on eBay: Read this one over slowly and absorb the facts that are within this definition! I love this word and believe that it will become a recognized English word. Finally, a word to describe our current political situation…

INEPTOCRACY

A system of government where the least capable to lead are elected by the least capable of producing, and where the members of society least likely to sustain themselves or succeed, are rewarded with goods and services paid for by the confiscated wealth of a diminishing number of producers.

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Here we go again – old stuff you have (almost) forgotten

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland, UK:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2. FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3. FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8. DON’T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE … WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON’T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE … NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.


Did I read that sign right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER … PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK).

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Nope, still in a foul mood. I’m ah… I’ll be in my “office”.  Probably be best if I’m not disturbed- anymore than I already am that is.

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About lethalleprechaun

I believe in being the kind of man who, when my feet touch the floor in the morn', causes the Devil to say "BUGGER ME! HIMSELF IS UP!" ======== I'm a White Married Heterosexual who fervently believes in the war(s) we are fighting, the Second Amendment which I plan on defending with my last breath and my last round of ammunition as well as Arizona's stringent law on Immigration and the need for the border wall. I'm a right of center Con-centrist with Tea Party & Republican sympathies who drives an SUV. I am a Life Time Member of the NRA, a Charter Member of the Patriots' Border Alliance and North American Hunters Association. If there is a season for it and I can shoot one I'll eat it and proudly wear its fur. I believe PETA exists solely to be a forum for Gays, Vegetarians, Hollywood snobbery to stupid to get into politics and Soybean Growers. The ACLU stopped protecting our civil liberties sometime after the 1960s and now serves its own bigoted headline grabbing agenda much in the same way as the Southern Poverty Law Center. I am ecstatic that WE the PEOPLE finally got mad enough to rise up and take back the Government from WE the ENTITLED and reverently wish the Liberals would just get over the loss and quit whining/protesting all the time. After all they're just reaping what they've sown. I am Pro-choice both when it comes to the issue of abortion AND school prayer. I believe in a government for the people, by the people which represents and does the people's will. Therefore I an Pro States rights and mandatory term limits but against special interest group campaign contributions and soft money. I think that sports teams who allow their players to sit or take a knee during the National Anthem should be boycotted until the message is received that this is not acceptable behavior for role models for children. I believe Congressional salaries should be voted on bi-annually by the people they represent and not by themselves. I think Congress should be subject to every law they pass on the populace including any regarding Social Security or Healthcare. Speaking of the Healthcare bill (or con job as I see it) I hope Trump will overturn it and set things back to normal. I oppose the building of an Mosque or ANY Islamic center at or within a 10 mile radius of Ground Zero in New York. I will fight those in favor of this until hell freezes over and then I will continue to fight it hand to hand on the ice. Further I think the ban on immigrants from certain nations known to harbor and promote terrorism is a justified measure, at least until we can come up with better methods of vetting and tracking those non citizens we allow in the country. We did not inflict this measure on them those who refuse to point out, denounce or fight radical religious terrorism brought this upon themselves.
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