Well it finally happened, we had our first of soon to be many; “Heat Advisory issued July 29 at 10:13AM CDT until July 29 at 7:00PM CDT by NWS Houston – Galveston”  on Saturday with promises of; “High temperatures near 103 degrees and heat index values 107 to 110 degrees across the all of the advisory area.”

Now is the time of year where hot tubs are covered to keep them cool, not hot and you don’t use the heater in them you use 5 pound blocks of ice to lower the temps.

Let’s get this started before it gets too hot for me to commute back to Keebler Towers.

Too hot for regular coffee so I’ve switched to iced coffee. Oh- the stone with the handle? Goes in the freezer, that way you keep your cold drinks colder longer with less ice to dilute them when you rest them on it.

And in case you’re wondering that’s the real reason behind the up coming eclipse -the broiling of Texas.

Yup we know. There is a Solar Eclipse event in our near future. As always we here at DL/LL Digital Media Enterprises are right on top of this. Well…okay…some of us are anyway. There might be one of us who is too busy hiding from a wholly  illogical fear/ unfounded threat of trailer towed  gas operated Flora Waste Compaction Devices.

Lethal looks around for Impish before whispering “You know- Wood Chippers”

“In fact…I…umm…Please excuse me just a moment I do apologies but frankly this hypochondriac Dracomulchaphobia boloney of Impish’s has gone on quite far enough I feel it necessary to immediately counsel him on his irrational behavior.”

Lethal attaches a Go Pro to his suit lapel then exits stage right. A moment later he’s at what appears to be a cargo lift. He does something with his phone and suddenly you hear Impish’s voice carefully stating “Coffee, Virgins, Cigars, Bacon and Jerky. This is my voice recognition password string”  The doors part and Lethal enters. A moment later the doors reopen and Lethal walks into Impish’s office.

Impish who looks horribly worn down seems to be attempting to divide his time between doing what ever it is that is strewn all over his desk, peering fearfully out the French doors of his private terrace and fitfully listening at his door all the while muttering to himself about wood chippers, gore, gas engines and strange sounds.

Lethal strides right up to Impish and firmly grabs an earlobe, much like a mother with a recalcitrant child, and proceeds to apply thumb nail pressure until suddenly he has Impish’s undivided attention. Impish begins to open his mouth in protest but Lethal finger jabs him in the end of the nose before he can commence whining.

“NO! YOU JUST SHUT YOUR BLOODY GOB AND LISTEN! This bollocks about wood chippers has gone on sodden well long enough you right git!  ENOUGH ALREADY!

You have about as much chance of being compacted by a wood chipper as the entire planet does of seeing the Sol star consumed by one. Now I suggest you get a hold of yourself and I’m NOT referring to in a manner requiring personal lubricants, bloody well straighten your act up and start acting like the level headed troublesome sidekick I’ve known these past 7 years. OTHERWISE, I’ll be forced to seriously consider booking you into The Hokey Pokey Clinic for a prolonged series of sessions with Dr. Phil, Nurse Barney. Plus several lab times with Dr. Frank N. Furter until such time as one of them can locate the reason, psychological or physical, why your brain seems to be so firmly lodged up your bum! AM I CLEAR?!”

Impish whimpers as the thumb nail pressure on his earlobe has grown more and more intense through out Lethal’s “Come to Jesus Counseling Session” and carefully nods.

“I believe you Lethal. You’d tease me a lot and maybe deceive me a little, but never outright lie to me. If you’re will to make that kind of assertion, I’ll take your word for it and quit worrying about it. I’m sorry.”

Much less forcefully, Lethal says as he releases Impish’s ear, “Good! Nice to have you back among the numbers of the nearly sane. Now clean up this mess first and finish your paperwork. I’ll see to it some Brown Gold and a full on Deli Platter for 6 made with my stash, including the Pastrami, Potato Salad and Kosher Pickles gets sent up here.

Remember I promised you’ve got nothing to worry about a giant wood chipper will eat the sun before you ever get eaten by one.”

Impish nods while rubbing his tormented ear and returns to his desk to begin reordering all the papers on it as Lethal returns down stairs.

Now where was I? Oh yes! In fact on the 16th I’ll have nearly an entire issue devoted to the upcoming event full of educational and informational features on the rare event. I’ve been lucky enough in my life to witness an Annular and a Total Solar Eclipse from near perfect locations, the former in 1994 and the later in 1970. I’ve also witnessed about half a dozen Lunar Partial/Full Eclipses. What? KILLER date material! You take a nice lady someplace private and dark away from bright lights with a great view Then there is all this time to kill because you went early to get the best location.

Huh? Question? Sure! Yes I did tell Impish that a giant wood chipper would eat the sun before he got eaten by one, what of it? The Solar Eclipse? Not sure I follow. Look at it from Impish point of view? [chuckling] Lad my neck isn’t long enough or serpentine  enough to view the word with me head up me… OH BLODDY HELL! HE WOULDN’T think… SIGH!

Lethal runs off stage right yelling for Impish.

The Cork

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his behind.

“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?”

“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck in my rear end.”

“I do not understand,” said the other.

The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”

I said, “No shit?”

God Bless America!

===============

Interesting fact: The condom was invented by Arabic Muslims in the late 1200s by using the lower intestine of a goat, but was improved upon 600 years later by the British, by removing it from the goat!

Bush Brothers & Company Recalls Certain Baked Beans in 28 Ounce Cans Due to a Can Seam Issue

For Immediate Release  July 22, 2017

Contact  Consumers  1-800-590-3797

Announcement

Bush Brothers & Company is voluntarily recalling certain 28 ounce cans of Brown Sugar Hickory Baked Beans, Country Style Baked Beans and Original Baked Beans because cans may have defective side seams. These side seam defects may affect can integrity and may cause the cans to leak or allow for harmful bacteria to grow inside the product. Bush Brothers found the issue as part of their quality control inspections.

The recalled products were distributed nationwide in retail stores.

This event only affects the flavors and lot codes below. Lot codes are printed on the bottom of the can.

BUSH’S BEST BROWN SUGAR HICKORY BAKED BEANS 28 ounce with UPC of       0 39400 01977 0 and Lot Codes 6097S GF and 6097P GF with Best By date of Jun 2019

BUSH’S BEST COUNTRY STYLE BAKED BEANS 28 ounce with UPC of 0 39400 01974 9 and Lot Codes 6077S RR, 6077P RR, 6087S RR, 6087P RR with the Best By date of Jun 2019

BUSH’S BEST ORIGINAL BAKED BEANS 28 ounce with UPC of 0 39400 01614 4 and Lot Codes 6057S LC and 6057P LC with the Best By date of Jun 2019

You should not use these products even if the beans do not look or smell spoiled. No illnesses or other adverse consequences have been reported to date in connection with this product.

The recall was initiated after product leakage from the side seams of cans of the above product was detected. Subsequent investigation indicated the problem was caused by a temporary quality issue from Bush’s? can supplier. The problem was corrected and no other product is affected.

Consumers who have purchased the product listed above are urged to call Bush’s Consumer Relations at 1-800-590-3797 between 8:00 a.m. and 5:00 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday through Friday for instructions. Information may also be found on our website at www.bushbeans.com

The bronze rat

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San

Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars.

“I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.

“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story?”

“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

Impish’s latest Capitol Venture- Dragon Farms Turkeys. He’s decided he likes turkey so much that he wants it available for his menu year round and to make sure none get poached he’s having them tattooed with his likeness.

Speaking of Impish right before he went wood chipper whacko he’d told me he’d gotten a new hide out. I asked him if he’d followed my security suggestions. Answering in the affirmative he indicated he’d even taken my advice about a gate on the approach and keeping things low key. Somehow I think our definitions of low key are considerably different.

Sounds about right to me!

Case in point:

Sir Big Chief?  Big Chief Sir Knight?

Priest’s retirement speech

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. The democrat mayor and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, the mayor was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor!

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”;

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the mayor arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the mayor. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce.

The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce.

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.”

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, “And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.”

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, “I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”

“Canada, sir,” the boy replied.

“Well, why did you leave Canada?” the manager asked.

The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”

“Really?” said the manager. “My wife is from Canada.”

“No shit?” replied the boy. “Who’d she play for?”

Wow! Mother Nature is really bringing it!

A blonde enters a pet store. She looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:

‘SEX FROGS’

Only $20 each!

Comes with ‘complete’ instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter, ‘I’ll TAKE one!’

As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her, ‘Just follow the instructions!’

The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully She does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.

2. Splash on some nice perfume.

3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.

4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise … NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, ‘If you have any problems or questions … please call the pet store.’

So, she calls the pet store. The man says, ‘I’ll be right over.’ Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, ‘See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!’

The man … looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares ‘directly into its eyes’ and STERNLY says:

‘LISTEN TO ME!!

I’m only going to show you how to do this

ONE MORE TIME…

=========

TOP CARE FOR THE ELDERLY.

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital.

“How are you grandpa?” He asks.

“Feeling fine.” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”

“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”

“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?”

“No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that’s it. I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

“What are you people doing” he says. “I’m told you’re giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”

“Oh, yes” replies the nurse. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well”.

“The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed”.