Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

I’m at a loss as to what to say to you this morning.  Our President spoke last night, which was two or three nights ago for you guys (depending on when I get this issue out – and that is way up in the air right now because, as you can imagine, my life is way up in the air right now), and basically told the state Governors that if you can’t handle this situation, than I will.  People are being killed.  This has gone way over the top.  And I have even been having meetings about planned protests in my little area of Cornfield Indiana where I live.  I don’t know what to say.  This has to stop. 

Basically, President Trump has threatened to invoke the Insurrection Act of 1807, and from everything I’ve read, he can do it.  Use the military to quell the violence.  I really and truly hope and pray it doesn’t come to that, but when leaders of the black community are begging and pleading and telling these protestors that what they are doing is wrong … I don’t know.  I think it’s time for the legitimate protestors to go home.  You’ve made your point.  So many of them already have.  They say they don’t want any part of this shit, that this is not what they signed up for.  But so many others are just opportunistic ass-wipes that are going along with the agitators … who are being paid to keep this up and trust me when I tell you that it’s all political at this point.  

This just makes me sick.

So, I’m going on to other things.  I’m going to fucking laugh instead.  So fuck all you protestors, Dragon Laffs is going to laugh at all your bullshit!

My ex tried to humiliate me by telling all her friends that I have a small dick.

Guess her reaction when they all disagreed.

I’m pretty jealous of those two astronauts getting the hell off the planet …

You don’t think people are doing shit just to cause trouble?

Illinois man charged with handing out ‘bombs’ during Minneapolis protests

By

Darryl Coote

June 2 (UPI) — Federal authorities have charged an Illinois man for crossing state lines into Minnesota where he filmed himself passing out explosive devices and urging people to throw them at police and buildings during nationwide unrest over the police-involved death of George Floyd.

Continued here:  https://www.upi.com/Top_News/US/2020/06/02/Illinois-man-charged-with-handing-out-bombs-during-Minneapolis-protests/4221591087722/

These are the ones!  These are the ones who need to be locked up and never let out!

No shit!

I don’t know if I could ever “complete” someone.

But driving someone batshit crazy sounds doable.

Statistics show that once a burglar is infected by the AR-15 virus, they don’t burgle anymore …

and this next one goes so nicely with the last one …

Okay, I’m done.  LOL!

Congratulations!
You have successfully made it to the end of May!
Welcome to Level 6 of JUMANJI!

There’s an Oreo cookie?  I still don’t see an Oreo cookie!

Principal:  Your son is being bullied

Me:  He needs a sword.

Principal:  What? No, that would be …

Me: *Pulls out a sword*

Principal:  Whoa.  Hold on.  I don’t want any problems.

Me: *To Son* See what I mean.

See!  It’s not just me!!’’

The fact that my body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move and yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.

Yeah … I think I have at LEAST as many rounds as they could come up with as rioters and looters.

Okay, so I couldn’t resist this next one…

Everybody makes fun of the bald guy until the barber shops are all closed.  Then we’re the only ones who know how to cut our own hair.

They can … under normal circumstances … it might just take them a while … but I believe in self support and the second amendment. 

Day 22 of no Pub!  I fell off my stool in the kitchen to bring back some memories.

Very subtle … but one of my favorite songs … and now jokes!

Eugene Levy and his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.

Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry …

About half and half …

If I take a job at a poultry farm, does that make me a Chicken Tender??

Damn!  Come over to my house!!

If Watson isn’t the most famous Doctor, then Who is.

…

Oh, come on!  Really?

Did You Know: (You gonna start this shit again?) Tulip bulbs were once used as currency in Holland.  Well … hey … no … I didn’t know that and that’s actually pretty cool and makes some sense since Holland is the like the Tulip capital of the world and all and … okay … enough …

Did You Know: (See what you started!)  Wooly Mammoths were still roaming the earth when the Pyramids of Giza were being built.  So the space aliens who built the pyramids used wooly mammoths to move the big stones?  Is that what I’m hearing, here?

I gotta get me one of those cups!!!!

So … in order to enter stores now, do I need to bring a face mask or a brick?

2020 is confusing.

Okay, so it’s not funny … but it is.

Well, yeah!  That’s what you said you wanted!!

Every refrigerator has a crisper drawer … which is a great place to hide your vegetables while they rot.

I think that is enough battling of the bullshit for one day, besides I have a protest meeting at the Sheriff’s office I have to get to.

LOL!  I just reread that last line and it makes it sound like the Sheriff’s Department is going to protest.  Wouldn’t that be something.  Oh well. 

Love and Laughter to you all, until we talk again dear friends.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

Good Morning Kind and Understanding Campers,

My head hurts.

And I mean that metaphorically this morning rather than actually.  Well, actually, I think my head does hurt a little this morning, but that’s probably the caffeine low-low-level light that’s blinking amber in the corner of my eye that functions as my HUD or Heads Up Display.  That should be easily fixed with a couple more of these sexy things and I should be right as rain. A saying which comes from the inevitableness of dreariness. 

No, my head hurts from the continued stupidity of our nation.  But, is there really any reason to get into that this morning?  Is there really any reason to continue to pound that deceased equine into further pulverized horse meat?  I think not.  You moronic imbeciles know who you are who are being led by the nose rings that you have willingly placed upon yourselves and no pontification by this blue dragon will sway you from your own self-destructive paths.  You are idiots, rightfully gained by your own hands and by your own hands you shall fall.

For those of you who are protesting righteously I have the utmost respect and regard and for those police and now national guard who are there to keep the peace I salute you in a situation that is untenable on both sides.  I would wish that both sides have made their point and can now go home and await justice to slide along is grindingly slow course, but alas, I know it can’t be so.  Thus, the rest of us must sit and watch as this tragedy plays out on the world stage night after night while the witches and demons sit off stage and cackle with delight.

I would that God would bless us with a Summer Blizzard, nationwide, to send everyone back to their huts and hovels.  But no.  Tis not to be so.

So, for us campers, huddled around our warm fire, let us move onto other things this fine morning, and mayhaps to banish the bullshit with laughter and chase the foul spirits of mayhem to other corners.

I heard a two-year-old refer to her pockets as “snack holes” and this is what I shall forever call them.

A penny for your thoughts.

Five bucks if they’re dirty.

Hey!  That’s a GREAT feature!

Doctor:  Have you been drinking enough fluids?

Me:  That’s literally all I drink.

What a time to be alive, when computers ask humans to prove they’re not robots.

If anyone has any doubt that things have gotten weird during the pandemic, please consider today’s report from Forest Park, Illinois. A business owner called the cops when she received a suspicious package which she could not identify. Fearing that the package might contain a bomb, officers opened the package in a safe area. Well, it did contain an explosive device of sorts, but not the kind to do any damage. Inside was a tubular shaped object with a spring inside. Upon removal of the top, it revealed itself to be a glitter bomb, ejecting multi colored pieces of glitter. And not just regular glitter, either. These pieces of glitter were in the shape of little tiny penises. Anyone with any information as to who sent the love bomb is asked to call the cops.

 

 

Bozo criminal for today comes from Kitty Hawk, North Carolina, where the cops noticed our bozo acting strangely in a public park. A quick check of his person found methamphetamine, marijuana and some unidentified pills in the pocket of his jeans. Before they could arrest him, he offered up the Bozo Excuse of the Week. While he did not deny he was in possession of the drugs, he did deny ownership of the pants. Yep, he said, “Those are not my pants.” The officers offered their sympathy, but advised our bozo that you should always check the pockets before putting on someone else’s jeans. He’s busted!

 

 

Did you know:  Lettuce is a member of the Sunflower family.

Nope.  Didn’t know.  Don’t know that I even care.  But thanks.

Did you know:  The real Captain Morgan, the namesake behind the brand of Rum, was a Welsh Buccaneer who later became Lieutenant Governor of Jamaica.

Nope, didn’t know that, either.  Boy, you’re just full of information today.  Oh … and the answer is … on the side of his bucking head!   ha, ha, ha, ha  … … … what?  Oh come on!  You know you were thinking it!

Did you know:  (oh geez)  Not all turkeys gobble.  Only males do, which is why male turkeys are called “Gobblers”!

Sigh.  Nope, didn’t know that either.  But you know, I had this girlfriend once … yeah … never mind. 

Not this girlfriend I was talking … yeah … never mind.

Attack of the Motivational Posters!!!  The Js … which means … Julie Newmar is down there somewhere!!!!!!

Oh NO!!!  Not my Jersey Girls!!!! No way!!!!  That’s Wrong!!!  Just so WRONG!!!!

Come on all you Jersey Girls out there, tell it like it is!!!!

And with that little bit of wisdom comes an end to today’s missive.  There will be no issue on Wednesday since I will on base all day on Tuesday.  So, until we meet again on Thursday, stay safe, stay happy, stay loving and stay laughing.

Cheers ~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Another crazy night.  I watched the news from my little Indianapolis and it was horrible.  Everything was fine.  A wonderfully  peaceful protest until a planned riot broke out.  The police chief gave a press conference at midnight and made it known that they were able to monitor radio traffic where they heard a small group of individuals planning, gathering rocks to break windows, frozen bottles of water, bottles of gasoline, having weapons and items to try and defeat teargas.  They monitored people setting up at intersections and actually snipers with rifles in parking garages.  This shows that the Police realize that this violence is preplanned and not part of the peaceful protest and that makes me sick.  Three people killed, five people shot.  And that was all just in little Indy.

I’m not going to rant again this morning folks, I promise.  But, it’s just so hard to sit here and see this going on and not say something. 

Okay, okay….so what else is going on … um …. it’s a beautiful day out this morning … um … Bob and Doug should be docking with the International Space
Station any time now.  No.  Not Bob and Doug McKenzie docking at the Elsinore brewery, eh.  I’m talking about Bob Behnken and Doug Hurley on the Crew Dragon Space Craft (GREAT Name!)  That should be happening any time now.  And you can watch it live.  My goodness what a fantastic time we live in.

So yeah, it’s early, I’m on my first cup of coffee, I didn’t get much sleep last night, I’m trying really hard not to rant and get myself angrier than I already am, so maybe … maybe it’s time to start getting some funny stuff out there and battle this bullshit with laughter, like we are supposed to be doing. 

What do you say, gentle campers?  Yeah, let’s do this…

I’m not afraid of werewolves or vampires or haunted hotels, I’m afraid of what real human beings do to other real human beings.
~Walter Jon Williams~

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden. 

The plot thickens.

This is AWESOME!  The last block says, “Name the Movie and Song”
Do you have it?  Do you know it?
Come on!
Okay here’s your hint

Wow, you youngsters!  The song is the Time Warp from the movie The Rocky Horror Picture Show and here’s the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opOsgzzDPdw

IT’S A FRIGGIN’ CLASSIC!!!!

Um…how’s that work, again?

The U.S. uses a different electrical system than the U.K.
This is because the U.S. revolted in 1776.

I didn’t mean to push all your buttons.  I was just looking for mute.

I stood waving to my neighbor for ten minutes this morning before realizing she was cleaning her windows.

WIFE:  You got kicked out of the Hobby Lobby store for dipping your testicles in the glitter?!

HUSBAND:  Pretty nuts huh?

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

That’s just wrong … in so many ways.

The living room curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real.

I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.

I watched it all unfold.

Coronavirus:  Everybody Stay Inside

Earthquake:  Everybody Run Outside

God:  “You put the scared people in, you put the scared people out, you put the scared people in and you shake them all about”

So the Crew Dragon successfully docked at about 1030 with International Space Station and everything went well.  I got to watch it as it happened, that was so cool!  They are now going through the pressure checks to equalize the pressure between the two different crafts and then open the hatch so that the crew can enter the space station.

Which they have now done successfully!  Wonderful stuff!

 

The best Safe Word you can use is “Meatloaf”.

It means, “I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.”

And sadly, there are some of you out there who don’t get that one … it’s sad really, truly sad.

An old farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons.
When his sons opened up the will it read:
‘My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;’
‘My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;’
‘My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.’
As it’s impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.
 
The farmer friend read the will patiently, and, after giving due thought, brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17.
That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father’s will.
Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.
Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2
TOTAL = 17
This leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm……

Such a truthful cartoon in such an awesome little package

Let’s do some intermittent mail…

Sasquatch

Bill’s story stopped before the end. The camera pans across the desert to find Moses who says “now let me get this straight…. the Arabs get all of the oil and you want us to cut off what??”

LOL!  That does make more sense.

Or the closest thing you can get to a dragon.

Tom

And please tell me — how the fuck do you give up a Police Precinct? How does that even happen?! To me, that’s like a military base.

Ummmmm….Syria?

Yeah Tom … go ahead … rub my big scaly nose in it.

Leah D

Launch Over!
Don is very lucky he isn’t driving it, with me as a passenger!
It would scare me to death knowing we had fire coming out our rear end!
Ever since the Challenger blew up, I go through terrible anxiety from the moment they start, until they are finally out there and safe (?).
It should have been the top news story, a huge happy celebration! But no, instead we get sad and ugly.

I know!  I held my breath the whole way until they were in orbit!  It sure is a good thing I have good lungs.

Helen

In WA, marijuana is legal. Everything was closed, Except the marijuana stores. When did that become a essential item?

It’s a democratic party policy thing.  Just like Pelosi’s stimulus package had more references to marijuana than it did to legitimate businesses. 

Danny M

Love your intro. There are so many elements in the situation that are just plain wrong. Thanks for the Laffs.

Thanks Danny, you’re are so right.  From any angle…it’s screwed up.

Maggie

Impish.
A GREAT issue,,, keep it coming
Maggie

Thank you so much, Maggie…that means a lot.

And that’s it for today my dear friends.  I have to secure the perimeter and get ready to repel borders.  Secure the walls, change the guards and change out the fire pits.  Love to you all, until we meet again.

Cheers! ~~ Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I find it quite difficult to be jovial and jubilant this morning after the night our country has had.  It may be Sunday morning while you’re reading this and I shutter to think of what we’re going to wake up to tomorrow morning, but it’s Saturday morning as I write these words and I stayed up quite late last night watching the news outlets try and report on our country self destruct.  I imagine President Trump in his White house wondering what the hell to do, while Pelosi and her cronies cackle around a fire pit, rubbing their gnarly hands together wondering how they can turn this to their advantage.  I imagine most of us sitting at home thinking the same things that I’m thinking, why is this going on and where the hell are the police, the National Guard, or whoever else is needed to reinstall law and order?  Why are these people just allowed to run amok? 

This is no longer about George Floyd.  Or maybe, to be correct, I should say, this is no longer JUST about George Floyd.  This is a whole lot of things coming together at the same time.  It’s the Perfect Storm and it’s settled right over top of our United States — that are not so United any more.  And if this is any indication, we haven’t been for some time now.

This is the Quarantine that should or should not have been.

This is China that should or should not be punished.

This is our rights being taken away from us or freely surrendered.

This is the hypocrisy of a liquor store being open and a church being closed.

This is a black news reporter being arrested while his white co-worker is told a block away he is fine.

This is the huge disparity in race relations in our country.

This is also about a huge disparity in race behavior in our country.

But most of all, it is about bad people taking the opportunity of bad situations to cause more bad things. 

You know and I know that there are professional agitators out there who are pushing this for all it’s worth.  Paid professional agitators who couldn’t care less if cities burn because they don’t live there and don’t have to go back there and some “person” in the background is pulling the strings.  Otherwise all of this would not be happening in all these different places at the same time.  It sickens me.  These people are basically destroying their own homes, their own infrastructure, and then they are going to want the government (the rest of us) to come in and fix it all up for them afterwards.  All because some multi-gazzionaire in the background with the puppet strings is calling the shots and giggling in his mountain retreat somewhere with no extradition.  Not that it could ever be traced back to him anyway, because he owns too many government officials, anyway. 

I know, I’m bouncing around in my thoughts here this morning.  My mind is free flowing and my phone is pinging off the wall with incoming messages from you guys wanting to get your two-cents in, and I don’t blame you.  It’s a terrible subject. 

I’m fucking angry.  I’m pissed off.  I can’t believe that us campers are the only ones  who sees this for the nonsense that it is!  I just want to go out there and shout and grab them all up and tell them to knock their stupid shit off.  Like my kids when they were little and arguing over stupid shit.

And please tell me — how the fuck do you give up a Police Precinct?  How does that even happen?!  To me, that’s like a military base.  You fight until the last shot is fired.  You want to do stupid shit out on the streets, yeah, okay, we’ll come and arrest your ass, you do stupid shit in here and you get your ass shot!  Come on!  The inmates have taken over the nut house!

Okay, okay.  Mrs. Dragon has told me that the smoke alarm has just gone off and nothing is cooking, so that means it’s me that set it off, so … I’m not really ready to go to the laughter.  It doesn’t seem like it’s that kind of a day.  So, let’s look at the emails and the comments and see what you guys have to say, although, if you guys get me more fired up, I may have to seek a new office.

Nope … gotta go to the laughter …

Pipe just burst in the wall from the excessive heat.  Laughter time, Laughter time!

 

Finland has just closed their borders.

No one will be crossing the finish line.

So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.

Oh, and there-in lies the problem!!!!!!!!!!!

Never mind …. back to the funnies!!!!!

Due to the quarantine, I’ll only be telling inside jokes.

(My God, all of these are so BAD this morning!)

Now is Not the time to surround yourself with positive people.

(!!!)

There will be a minor baby boom in 9 months, and then one day in 2033, we shall witness the rise of the quaranteens.

The World Health Organization has announced the dogs cannot contract COVID-19.  Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released.  To be clear: WHO let the dogs out.

We have to go back 20 years to explain that joke, so if you don’t get it, find someone who was around 20 years ago.

I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in place.

WIFE:  “There’s a problem with the tractor.  It has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND:  “Water in the carburetor?  That’s ridiculous.”

WIFE:  “I’m telling you the tractor has water in the carburetor.”

HUSBAND:  “You don’t even know where the carburetor is.  Where’s the tractor?”

WIFE:  “In the pool.”

I’ve learned two important lessons in life.  I can’t recall the first one, but the second one is that I need to start writing things down.

Floccinaucinihilipilification: (go ahead and try it, your spell check won’t light up) The act of estimating something as worthless.  Now there’s a hell of a word!

This book on marriage says treat your wife like you treated her on the first date, so after dinner tonight I am dropping her off at her parents’ house.

Okay, it wasn’t my fault…blame it on the memes … they started it!

Okay, from the comments:

Tommy V Sr.

Great issue and as a former police officer I very much believe you are right.

Thanks Tommy, that means a lot.  I was never a “real” police officer, but have been around enough of them to know the life.  I was a DoD cop and a state police dispatcher as well as a jail officer and I know that what those four did was wrong.  But what the “protesters” are doing is wronger … more wrong. 

Leah D

Assertion vs Aggression
Protest vs Rioting Chaos

Too true Leah

Maggie

IMPISH.
some people will use any excuse to RIOT and LOOT,, then just as easily turn around and complain that they are being persecuted because of they race or religion.
If cops do things that are not acceptable, because they think that their uniform is going to protect them then they are as bad as those they are pursuing.
When someone puts on a uniform to protect a city, state, or a nation, their attitude must be even if I don’t like this person, I must do the correct thing under the law.

I stand with you !!!!
God Bless and stay well.
Maggie

Thanks Maggie, that means a lot and I agree with you, 100%.   There are some people who don’t need ANY excuse to Riot and Loot.  To take something that doesn’t belong to them.  And I do believe that the VAST majority of Police Officers take their vows seriously and believe in their jobs and don’t abuse their authorities.  There will always be bad actors, the key is to identify them as quickly as possible and cull them from the herd as soon as you identify them.  Thanks Maggie!

And remember my comments earlier about professional protestors, which amount to little more than Domestic Terrorism, do you remember our original Domestic Terrorist?

Yup …. that’s her.

Anyway … I think I got one more letter … let me check … oh yeah … an email from our dear Leah D.

Been trying to get it through the heads of some of my grandkids, the difference between Protest and Riot.  There is a part of me that says those rioters will pay . . . by getting the virus, if no other way, and almost wish they would.  And there is a part of me that wishes my grandkids would have to love through a riot in their neighborhood.  And there is a part of me that thought last night, that I should sleep with a gun . . . because someone out there thinks they have the right to attack me, since I dared to voice my views.

Hope all the turmoil hasn’t kept you from healing, and feeling better again.

I definitely understand how you feel about wanting the rioters to “get theirs” I had a relative who told me they ought to (and I’m paraphrasing here) deduct 50% of their welfare paychecks until all the repairs are made to all the damage that has been done.  If we could figure out a way to force all the people who participated in the damage causing and looting and robbing I would agree with you 100%.  Find a way to make them live in the damage they caused or something.  The problem is the other people who weren’t involved, who didn’t cause the problems but yet who will end up paying for it, even to the point of the butterfly effect of you and me and the increase in our insurance premiums to offset the insurance payments of the businesses who got burned down.  Because we all know that shit rolls downhill.  And the worst of it is, the people who caused the problems DON’T CARE.  They want us to care about their plight and then show us they don’t care about the damage they caused.  What possible sense does that make? 

Okay, I’m starting to Rant again…

Sigh …

Moving on …

SPACEX AND NASA LAUNCH FIRST ASTRONAUTS TO ORBIT FROM U.S. SINCE 2011 AND FIRST TIME EVER FOR PRIVITE INDUSTRY!!!!!!

WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

They did it!!!!!  They did it, they did it, they did it!

We’ll know for sure tomorrow when they successfully dock, but they are in orbit and everything went well.  That is so awesome!!!!  I am so pleased!  We have entered a new age of space travel at long last!  We really, REALLY needed private industry to get involved in space travel to finally get this thing moving again and they finally have. 

Maybe … maybe we’ll even see a colony on the moon or even on Mars in my lifetime!  That would be so cool!

okay, I’m done acting like a school girl.  But yay!  We did it!!

Quarantine Day 26:  Went to this restaurant called “The Kitchen”.  It was really weird.  You have to gather all your own ingredients and make your own meal.  I have no clue how in the world this place is still in business.

Got this next one from Mrs. Dragon … and had to share it.

A girl bought an iPad. When her father saw it, He asked her “What was the 1st thing you did when you bought it?

“I put an anti-scratch sticker on the screen and bought a cover for the iPad” she replied.

“Did someone force you to do so?”

– “No”

“Don’t you think it’s an insult to the manufacturer?”

– “No dad! In fact they even recommend using a cover for the iPad”

“Did you cover it because it was cheap and ugly?”

– “Actually, I covered it because I didn’t want it to get damaged and decrease in value.”

“When you put the cover on, didn’t it reduce the iPad’s beauty?”

– “I think it looks better and it is worth it for the protection it gives my iPad.”

The father looked lovingly at his daughter and said, “Yet if I had asked you to cover your body which is much more precious than the iPad, would you have readily agreed???”

She was mute…..

~ Indecent dressing and exposure of your body reduces your value and respect.

Always dress decently.

*Please protect our young ladies by sharing this with all sisters*.

-Unknown

Now I have no idea who the two “young ladies” are who are pictured to the left, but the picture came with the email or the Facebook posting or whatever it was the Mrs. Dragon this, but the message was so powerful that I thought I would keep it all together.

And the message is indeed powerful. 

Thanks to Mrs. Dragon for sharing this awesome message and thanks to these two little … whoever they are for posing for this picture to accompany this awesome message.

 

 

Seems to me that if some of this behavioral modification had been used in the past on the “protestors” some of this may not be going on right now.  Just a thought.

Okay, fellow campers, I can feel another Rant coming on, so it’s time for me to call it an issue.  Until tomorrow when the dawn shall find us a whole new packet of shit to bitch about.  Love and peace and happiness to you all.

Cheers! ~ Impish Dragon

Good Weekend Glorious Campers,

Day #69 of our continued Exile.  There’s an infantile joke in there somewhere that I think I should try and make, but I’ll probably just let go, instead.  But, it’s Saturday for you guys and Friday for me and I want to start out by saying that I’m actually starting this on Thursday afternoon having just had my tooth extracted  … let’s see … about 4 hours ago.  And it may be the pain killers talking, but I feel SO much better.  Not great, by any stretch of the imagination, but not in so much pain that I’m considering cutting my own head off to ease the pain.  So, that’s a plus. 

I’m sitting here in my command center, waiting on a response to a work email that I HAD to send out, yes, even though I am on Sick Leave there are still things that HAVE to be done for work.  Anyway, I thought that while I’m sitting here I’d tell you guys about it while I’m waiting.

So, the took a full set of x-rays, and wasn’t that fun, manipulating my mouth 18 different times.  The ladies who did that were very nice, it wasn’t their fault that I was a difficult patient, but I was already set up for when I finally got to sit down to see the dentist, but no.  The hygienist came in first.  Now these ladies, I think are hired because of their sadistic tendencies.  I would not be surprised to find out that most of them moonlight as a dominatrix in their off hours. They have that little tool and give you that line, “we’re going to measure the depth around your teeth” crap and then start poking – really hard! – and spouting off numbers and then they talk to you like they are SO disappointed in you and that you have let them down so much.  And they are always wearing a mask, so all you can see is their eyes and their eyes are sexy as hell, but evil and you just know that you are going to have to do something really bad to make it up to them and get back into their good graces and that it’s going to hurt!

So THEN the dentist comes in and he starts poking around and looking at the x-rays and trying numb me up, which doesn’t work out as well as either one of us wants.  Me, because it still friggin’ hurts when he starts pulling on my lip to get it out of the way and him, because I screamed like a little girl and bit his finger.  So, yeah, neither of us were happy.  When he finally got me numb enough and cut my gum to get things started the (and this is gonna be a bit gross, so you might turn your head if you’re easily squeamish) infection was so bad that it actually squirted out of my gums.  He told his assistant to get the suction in there and then proceeded to milk my gums for the better part of two minutes.  (Okay, I’m making myself sick just talking about it…)  Then it took him all of about 15 seconds to actually pull the tooth and then more infection gushed out.

I know – GROSS!!!!!!!!!!!

So in the middle of June, I get to go back and have two more teeth pulled, a bunch of teeth filled, and then an upper and a lower partial denture made. 

Yup – I definitely let them go too long.  But I’ve had a bit of a busy – sucky couple of years lately, as you guys that have been around for a while know.  If friends and family would just stop fucking dying for a little while I’d be alright!  Dammit!

LOL!

But you gotta laugh.  That’s all I got left! 

So …. that was my morning.  How was yours?  So, right now, I’m going to go back to sitting on the couch and let this pain medicine wear off and see how I feel after that and maybe I’ll even get back to you guys a little bit more today – who knows?  But for now, thanks for being there for me.  You have no idea how much it means to me to know that you guys are there for me, as is evidenced by how many emails and messages and stuff that I’ve gotten wishing me well.

And if any of the above grossed you out or made you feel less of me —

Ah tough.

LOL!

Love you and let’s laugh!

The other day I yelled into a colander and strained my voice.

What should you do when you find out someone has 10,000 bees? 

SON:  What’s in that fancy beer mug on the mantel?

ME:  Well, that’s your uncle Frank.  That’s where he wanted his remains.  It was his favorite beer stein.  He always said it would be funny.  Never got why.

SON:  Maybe it’s so he could be Frank in Stein?

ME:  That SON OF A BITCH!!

What prehistoric creature always got up very early?

The Crackadon

And this next joke in the form of a letter … or would it be that this next letter is in the form of a joke?  I’m not really sure, but I do know it’s from Bill and it’s …

Another “Not Quite Politically Correct” story:

This is a little known tale of how GOD came to give the Jews the Ten Commandments.  GOD first went to the Egyptians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

“What’s a commandment?” they asked.

“Well, it’s like, THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY,” replied GOD.

The Egyptians thought about it and then said, “No way, that would ruin our weekends.”

So then GOD went to the Assyrians and asked them if they would like a commandment.

They also asked, “What’s a commandment?”

“Well,” said GOD, “It’s like, THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.”

The Assyrians immediately replied, “No way. That would ruin our economy.”

So finally GOD went to the Jews and asked them if they wanted a commandment.

They asked, “How much?”

GOD said, “They’re free.”

The Jews said, “Great!………….. We’ll take TEN.”

Wishing you a quick recovery.

All the best.

Bill

Awww, thanks Bill.  And another Stereotype blasted.  We aren’t prejudiced here, nor are we politically correct, we pick on EVERYBODY!!!

Let’s see, I knew a couple…5 of them, to be exact.

Okay, is there anybody surprised that I feel like I really want to have one … just to set loose somewhere?

My neighbors listen to really good music … whether they like it or not.

Might sleep on the couch to cut down on my morning commute.

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker, and they are cruising along talking small talk. She says, “ I am getting sleepy.  Can I lay down in your sleeper?” He nods, and she goes in the back to lay down. 20 minutes later, he hears her calling him. He looks back and there she is, leaning against the back wall, legs wide open, wearing crotch-less underwear. “I bet you want some of this” she says. He says, “fuck no! Look what it did to your undies!”

Some angry guy with road rage just yelled out his window, “I’m going to make your life a living hell!”

I yelled back, “Thanks, but I’m not looking for a relationship right now.”

This was sent in by H.M. and says it was in the paper …

Yup, I think a lot of us are very glad that liquor stores are essential.

So yeah, so it’s now Friday and I actually SLEPT!!!!!!  I still hurt a bit, but not at all like I did.  But I SLEPT.  Almost 8 hours uninterrupted!  More sleep in one spot then I did in the last 3 or 4 days put together!  Oh my lawdy, I feel like a new dragon!  My mouth is hurting and I feel like a million bucks, can you believe it!  LOL!  It’s such a shame so much shit is going on in the world right now, but I just gotta celebrate with my campers!

Thank you all for all your well wishes and love and prayers and stuff sent my way, I KNOW you made a big difference. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

Only drinking for 3?  Amateurs!  Move over, let a REAL dragon in there!!!

(And anyone who really knows me is laughing like hell right now)

CORONA PRECAUTIONS

I went to the bathroom at a restaurant.  I washed my hands.  I opened the door with my elbow.  Raised the toilet eat with my foot.  I switched on the water faucet with a tissue.  Opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow.  And when I returned to my table I realized … I forgot to pull up my pants!

And Leah tells this story of going to the bathroom …

Years ago, even the news carried the warning about how germy women’s purses are.  They pointed out how often women go to the restroom, with no place to sit or hang it, the purse is set on the bathroom floor.

I desperately needed to pee!  I had a long way to cover from where I was in the store, to where the restroom was.  But I took that extra second to set my purse in the bathroom sink, before I made it to the toilet seat just in time . . . to realize the faucets were automatic, and now my purse was filled with water!

Yes, it is a true story.

Ouch!

I went on a rollercoaster and the woman beside me wouldn’t stop screaming …

Seriously, it was like she’d never seen a penis before!

The Bozo criminals for today come from Key West, Florida, where three college students apparently left their brains back on campus. The three bozos, enjoying spring break activities, were desperate to smoke a joint, so they found some convenient bushes to hide in while they lit up. Turns out the bushes were up against the wall of the local police station. Right underneath the air intake for the air conditioning system. Several detectives were at their desks as the fumes began to drift thru the office. They went outside and found the bozos happily smoking away.

Okay, come on!  This one deserves it!  You gotta say it with me!

Thanks everybody, that was great!

Nope, not my list.  My list would definitely have different stuff on it.

The Internet:  If you don’t wear a mask, you don’t care about other people.

Me:  Yeah, I thought I’ve made that pretty clear.

The best thing about the good old days was that I wasn’t good and I wasn’t old.

Absolutely bloody brilliant!  All the way around the best payback EVER!

Sex Tip:

Put a little pepper on her pillow so when you put her face in it she sneezes and her coochie grips you like a gorilla fist.

I’m thinking it’s not going to work out well for all y’all.

A week ago, my Mother-in-Law began reading, “The Exorcist”.  She said it was the most evil book she had ever read.  So evil, in fact, she couldn’t finish it.  She took it over to the beach and threw it into the ocean off a fishing pier.

I went and bought another copy, ran the faucet over it and left it in the night table drawer by her bed.  I’m going to Hell.

I’ll put you in the trunk and help people look for you, don’t test me!

Okay, I haven’t done this for a while, but I think it’s time and worth it.  I’m so pissed off and I’m so disgusted … on both sides that I just have to say something.  So, we’re going to do this …

And I’m fucking well talking to you Minneapolis!  Now, I could sit here and rant and scream and yell, but I got this great email from Mrs. Dragon that she got from someone she knows and I’m not going to use his name because if you people want to be pissed off at someone you can fucking well be pissed off at me and I’ll meet you in the front yard and we can talk about it.  And before you get the wrong idea, I will tell you right up front that what those four fucking cops (they don’t even DESERVE to be called cops) did was WRONG!!  No ifs, No ands, No buts!  Even if he was resisting (which he wasn’t), even if he was out of control (which he wasn’t), once he was cuffed and on the ground, THERE IS NO REASON TO KNEEL ON SOMEONE’S NECK!  If you are trying to subdue someone … that’s another story.  When someone, in custody, tells you they can’t breath, YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM SERIOUSLY!!!  He was handcuffed and there were four of you!  What the serious fuck?  Okay, enough of that.  You know my opinion.  They will be charged with murder and prosecuted.

(and as an aside – I just got a First Alert Flash that Former Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin has been taken into custody)

But now Minneapolis … and by extension Denver and Louisville and all the rest of you FUCKING MORONS!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?????

Okay …. I said I wasn’t going to rant … take a breath Impish … take another breath Impish … BUT … no take a drink Impish … Okay, here’s the email that Mrs. Dragon Sent me along with the pictures that were imbedded within.

 

Minneapolis you were given the world’s stage and had the world’s ear. EVERYONE was behind you and supported the protest and fight for justice.

• The public spoke out against those officers.

• Police officers all over the country spoke out against those officers.

• Elected Officials spoke out against those officers.

• ALL races and ethnicities spoke out against those officers.

• President Trump spoke out against those officers.

And you wasted it…. you wasted the perfect platform and opportunity to unite everyone together and coordinate a movement that would’ve gone down in the history books as a tipping point for reform. Everyone around the world was on your side and listening…

But you ruined it.

And one last thing from me, personally to Colin Kaepernick.  NO THEY DON’T!  No body has the right to hurt another human being who is not responsible for what is going on.  How is the looting of someone else’s store, the burning of an Autozone, the rioting in the streets right?

It’s not and you know it. 

I’m Impish Dragon and Minneapolis, Denver, and wherever else you guys are acting out, you blew it!