Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Okay, that’s pretty bad.

And that one was even worse.  I’m really sorry.  I’ll try harder with the next one, I promise.

Annnnnnddddddd……… I broke my promise straight out.   Geez!  What’s a guy gotta do to get a funny picture in here???

Okay, so we’re getting a little closer.  Let’s give it one more try…

Okay, it’s time for me to take a break.
There must be something in the air, or something.
A pizza hut….geez!

Sunday…. football day!  First, the Tennessee Titans play at the Kansas City Chiefs to see who gets to play against my Green Bay Packers when they beat the San Francisco 49ers in San Fran. 

Now, if for some strange reason, the moon crashes to the earth, the sun goes dark, gravity stops working, and Green Bay loses today, then I’m afraid you are going to hear of a dragon rampage of disastrous proportions…apocalyptic proportions!  San Francisco would be best to just have an earthquake break it off and have it sink into the ocean!  They will wish they never …

beep

Mr. Dragon? 

What is it Ms. Day?

Mr. Dragon, you know it’s part of my job to protect you and …

Yes, Ms. Day, what is your point?

Just one word, sir…premeditated.

What? Ohhhhh!

Yes, sir.

click

Let’s get back to our laughter

Someone just honked to get me out of my parking spot faster.
So now I have to sit here until both of us are dead.

My bank has informed me that Facebook friends can not be used as references for a car loan.  You guys are useless.

My favorite kind of 12-Step Program

Today, Sunday, January 19, 2020 is Edgar Allan Poe’s 211th birthday!  Have you ever read any of this dude’s stuff?  If there is anybody who’s still alive after 211 year’s it’s him.  So, Happy Birthday Edgar!

What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?

A $100 bill

A little misogynistic?  Yeah, but give it time.  This is an equal opportunity ezine.  We’ll get around to everyone.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

Condoms have evolved: they’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

See, that didn’t take long, now did it?

Oh damnnnnnnnnnnn  …. what if he’s right?

In the morning Tom calls to his boss:
– Good morning, boss, unfortunately, I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”
The boss replies:
– You know Tom; I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
– Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.

If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment.
If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $6.50 a minute.

You guys see this on the news on Monday?

I’d really like to get all up in here and say how I told you so.  How I told you if my beloved Packers lost, how I would burn San Fran to the ground, and how now San Fran is burning as you can see from the above picture…but Main Stream Media lies.  I had decided that since San Fran played so damn well and Green Bay played so damn bad, that I would just eat a few taco trucks worth of bad tacos and kind of lay a layer of gas down over the city.  Childish, I know, but I had to do something.  Well, after laying down a really stinky layer of very potent gas, I … um … accidently sneezed.  Once I sneezed, there was a spark, an inadvertent flashover, and some flower photographer on a hill over the city caught the flashover on film.  Some TV station bought the image and put up the conspiracy theory that you see above.  The actual flames lasted less than a millisecond, no one was seriously hurt (there was one old hippie down by the market who lost part of his ponytail in a freak coincidence when it was determined it was also where he was storing his dope)  But, overall it was much ado about nothing.  If you look on line in the actual city of San Francisco, you will find no news of any actual fire because Main Stream Media knows that they will be caught out.

Idiots.

Anyway, that’s why we’re here…so that the truth will win out.

 

Everybody’s favorite….well, at least my favorite.

This next one is from Stephanie…I want to make that perfectly clear before you read it.

How do New Zealanders find sheep in the tall grass?
Satisfying

I told you.

Forget Kale.
What’s Keith Richards and Betty White eating?

Why is it so easy to pick on us older guys?  If I could find my damn glasses, I’d have something to say about that!

Self Checkout Should
Include an Employee
Discount!

Someday I’m going to eye roll myself into another dimension.

If I see one more person texting and driving
I’m going to roll my window down and
throw my Beer at them!!!

I always knew I’d get old.
How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise, though.

I got called “pretty” today!
Well, actually, the full statement was
”you’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on positive things.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.
There so stupid.

Here’s another one that’s especially funny and timely so it gets moved to the top of the stack.

Not necessarily a fan of the Governor, but that was pretty good.

Oh Lordy, and here’s another one…

Yup…yup, yup, yup.

A guy walks into a bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!”

The teller says, “Don’t you mean history?”

The robber replies, “Don’t change the subject!”

I feel bad for kids today with all their electronic gadgets; They’ll never know the simple joy of throwing rocks at each other.

Wow, apparently it’s “rude” to ask the parents of a kid on a leash if it was a rescue.

The Great Debate

Several centuries ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jews, so the Pope agreed to debate with a member of their community. If the Jew won, they could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave.

Knowing they had no choice, they picked old Rabbi Moshe to represent them. His Latin wasn’t very good, but he was a man of great faith and well respected. He accepted, on condition that it would be a silent debate. The Pope agreed. After all, what could be easier than a silent debate?

On the day of the great debate, Moshe and the Pope sat opposite each other.

After a minute the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moshe looked back and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moshe pointed to the ground.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moshe pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, “I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.”

As the puzzled cardinals clustered around the Pope, he explained: “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He held up one finger to remind me that one God is common to both our religions. When I waved my finger around me to show that God was all around us, he pointed down to show that God is also right here with us. When I showed him the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins, he showed me an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?”

Meanwhile, the Jews had crowded around Moshe. “What happened?” they asked. “Well,” said Moshe, “He says to me, ‘You Jews have three days to leave.’ So I said: ‘One!'” Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, ‘Listen here, Popey baby, the Jews … we stay right here.” “And then?” asked a woman. “Who knows?” said Moshe. “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.

Thank you my dear friends for hanging with me this week.
I remain in mourning over my poor Packers

There’s always next year, I suppose.
Guess I’ll have to cheer for Kansas City in the Super Bowl.
Anyway, until we meet again next week.
May you have a wonderful week.

 

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Friday…it is currently 0700 hrs. and I am just now starting this weeks issue.  That ALONE ought to tell you what kind of week I’ve had.  It’s definitely been one for the record books.

Today is my first day off in two weeks, which means that it is going to be filled with honey-do stuff, hence the waking up early to work on this issue to get you guys some laughter.  It is one of the happiest …

beep

Mr. Dragon?  Mr. Lizard from the legal department asked me to remind you about the “thing”.  Now, I’m not sure I know what the “thing” is, but he did ask to me to remind you…

Yes, yes…Thanks, Miss Day.  As Miss Day was making reference to, I wish to make a public apology.  It seems I published an article I had no right to publish and just because I also published the link to the website didn’t give me permission to copy the article.  As was pointed out to me in a comment by the websites owner.  Seems I was looking at it incorrectly.  I always figured that having someone say what a great article it was and pointing out where the website was, would drive traffic and build you up. And that by sharing it you were helping a brother out.

Guess I was wrong.

And for being wrong, I humbly and most sincerely apologize. 

The article was deleted within ten minutes of me reading the comment.

beep

Mr. Dragon?  Mr. Lizard also said to remind you that this guy has more money than you do.

Miss Day, tell Larry that’s not hard, EVERYONE has more money than I do!  Now, can I get back to the issue, please?

Look Impish!  Don’t get all crappy with me, just because you’ve had a shitty week,, it’s not my —

click*

Sigh.

I think it’s time for some laughter, don’t you?

Your phone doesn’t autocorrect when you type in caps because it thinks you’re angry and it doesn’t want to get involved

And speaking of not getting involved …. have you guys been paying attention to what’s been going on in the People’s Republic of Virginia?  They are supposed to have a big pro gun rights rally on Monday and the Governor, Ralph Northam, a Democrat, is so worried and upset that he has declared a temporary state of emergency until Tuesday and has banned all firearms and other weapons from the grounds of the Capitol.

Now the people and the organizers of the event are fighting back saying that this restricts their rights.  Have you guys been following this craziness?  The governor tried to confiscate all the citizen’s guns in the state.  Even tried to get the National Guard involved to do so.  The citizens formed a state militia which not only allowed them to, but required them to be armed (they did this with the help of the local Sherriff’s Dept.)

Now, according to CNN (yeah, I know, I know, but it makes for fun reading) “Much of the concern here isn’t about the guns” (talking about the rally on Monday) “It’s about the extremists the event is likely to attract.  Northam said state intelligence officials identified threats and rhetoric used by violent groups and white nationalists in conversations about the event.  In fact, the FBI arrested three alleged white supremacists yesterday for firearms and immigration-related offenses, and found out the trio was planning to attend the rally.”

But, if you hadn’t tried to illegally take their guns, NONE of this wouldn’t be happening in the first place!!

Idiots.

We all know some people like that.

Normally. when I get a new funny pic, it goes in the file, at the end of the list and when it comes up in rotation, I use it…unless it’s truly hilarious…like this next one.  As the father of daughters, I have to say, this dad is one of the good ones.

I really and truly wish that we could have seen this boy’s face when he opened this picture. 

Yeah, something like that.

And those of you who remember back that far, it did.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.

We haven’t met yet.

Here’s another one that is timely, that I just got, that cracked me up, so has to skip to the front of the line…and if you don’t get it, I’m not going to ‘splain it to you.

You’re not yourself today…

I noticed the improvement immediately.

When life gets you down and you feel you can’t go on, just remember who will always be there for you.

DISHES

They will literally always be there.

A POEM FOR MORNINGS

Coffee, coffee, coffee,
Coffee.
Coffee, coffee,
Everyone shut up.
Coffee.

The only thing that keeps me from being a genius is all the stupid shit I do.

I wish Santa would publish his naughty list.

What a great way to meet people.

If you don’t look back on your younger self and say, “I used to be stupid,” you’re probably still stupid.

Okay, in the interest of not being threatened again or told I don’t have enough money, let’s see if I can do this a better way.  Here is a REALLY good article sent to me by Stephanie that I’d like to share with you guys.

What “white privilege” means in small-town West Virginia

By Lloyd Marcus

December 29, 2019

And in case I screwed up and clicking on the title above does not take you to the article, here’s the link: http://www.renewamerica.com/columns/marcus/191229?fbclid=IwAR3b4za-J7-dk-p1K_J1Nt_wC4b_Zo2fp9U72UL9UbxAuUDpmigmgQc2DnI

I found it to be an excellent essay, a great read, and quite enjoyable.

Thanks Steph

Okay, so it’s turning into one of those issues.  I’d like to hear what you campers…guys and gals…have to say about this next one.

Relax, Libturds.  Trump didn’t “assassinate” Soleimani.
It was just one of those “post-birth abortions” you support.

I just had a physical.

The doctor said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, Like bacon and burgers?”

He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything!”

Wife: hey babe, can you get me th-

Husband: I can’t find it

How come “you’re a peach” is a compliment, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?

Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

I got thrown out of my local park for lining up squirrels in order of height…. they didn’t like me critter sizing.

And if we could only get the Average American to appreciate your sacrifice and service we would be such an awesome country!

I know Facebook has never caused the lame to walk, but it sure has caused the dumb to speak.

The police came round last night and told me my dogs were chasing people on bikes.
My dogs don’t even have bikes.

Well, that my dear friend is that for this week.

Sorry, it’s not as long as it could be.

Love to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Okay, so I was REEEAAAALLLLYYYYY tired last Friday when I went to post last week’s Dragon Laffs and instead of scheduling it for Saturday morning I just posted it.  Then I spent like 30 minutes trying to figure out what happened to it.

LOL!  It was actually pretty funny.

Not at the time, but now, you know, looking back.

Anyway, while you are reading this, I’m going through …

I am teaching two classes on Saturday, then on Sunday, I’m teaching a class in the  morning, hosting a bunch of FEMA dignitaries for lunch, a briefing with the base leadership and then giving a tour to the same FEMA dignitaries late in the afternoon.
Then on Monday I start a weeklong visit from higher headquarters…
If you guys don’t hear from me in a week, check the jails first, then the hospitals, then the nut houses, then the morgues, then finally the rooftops.  I suppose as a last resort you can check the woods and forests, caves and caverns, and alternate realities.

Yup. 

It ought to be interesting.

So…..Let’s get on with the laughter…I’m sure I’m going to need it.

 

When you fall, I will catch you.
~ Your Floor

Do you ever go on YouTube thinking you’ll just be on to watch a quick music video then 5 hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.  Beer required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.  That’s how villages were formed.

The wheel was invented to get man to the beer and vice versa.  These two were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals.

2. Conservatives.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.  This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were less skilled at hunting (called ‘vegetarians’ which was an early human word meaning ‘bad hunter’) learned to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and doing the sewing, fetching, and hairdressing.  This was the beginning of the liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men “evolved” into women.  Others became known as girlie-men.  Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.  Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

Modern Liberals like special flavored beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine spritzers or imported bottled water.  They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.  Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.  Another interesting evolutionary side note: many liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men.

Most college professors, social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, film makers in Hollywood, group therapists and community organizers are liberals.  Liberals meddled in our national pastime and invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn’t fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink real beer.  They eat red meat and still provide for their women.  Conservatives are members of the military, big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, fighter pilots, and generally anyone who works productively.  Conservatives who own companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.  They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.  Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans.  That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America.  They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today’s lesson in world history.  It should be noted that a liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to this post.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be shared immediately to other true believers and to just piss-off more liberals.

And there you have it.  Let your next action reveal your true self, I’m going to grab a few beers and grill some steaks!  Right after I forward this.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Every week, I entered the state lottery hoping to win; I never did

Finally, I prayed vigorously and, hoping for God’s message, as I walked around the local fairground.

A flash of lightning struck as I was passing by Nadine’s carnival stall.

She was bending over and I saw she was not wearing panties.

I could see the number 7 tattooed on each of her butt cheeks.

I bet on 77, as I thought God had given me a sign.

Sadly, I lost again.

The winning number was 707.

Moral of the story :

Never underestimate the importance of assholes in your life.

Roses are red.
Tacos are delicious.
I use paper plates,
because I hate doing dishes.

I got this one today from Papa Dragon Most Senior:

I’m passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said that in order to have inner peace in our lives, we should always finish things that we start. Since we all could use more calm in our lives, I looked around my house to find things I’d started & hadn’t finished.

 

I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiuminun scriptins, an a box a choclutz. Yu has no idr how fablus I feel rite now.

Sned this to all ur frenz who need inner piss.

An telum u luvum.

I’m really worried about him….

I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.

Nobody told me that adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich owned a car.

Today, everyone owns a car and only the rich owns a horse.

Oh how the stables have turned.

A simplified urine test that may save your life

Go outside and pee in the garden:

• If ants gather: diabetes
• If you pee on your feet: prostate
• If it smells like a barbecue: cholesterol
• If when you shake it, your wrist hurts: osteoarthritis
• If you return to your room with your penis outside your pants: Alzheimer’s

Thanks to Tom for this one:

Virgil hadn’t done very well on the written part of his truck driving test but was still looking forward with hope of being the first long haul trucker in the family. He was about to complete the oral part of the test. The instructor asked the last question; “Okay Virgil, you are driving on an old two-lane mountain road. To the left is a 1000 foot drop off, straight down. To the right is a 300 foot rock wall that goes straight up. You are driving down hill on the very steep road when suddenly, all your brakes are gone. Your speed is dangerously increasing and now you see a train crossing on the tracks at the bottom of the hill, right in your path! What do you do Virgil?”

After a moment of careful thought, Virgil answered; “Well sir, the first thing I would do is I’d wake up ol’ Rastus who’s back in the sleeper snoozin’.”

The instructor was quite surprised and asked why on earth he would wake up his partner at a time like this. Virgil responded; “Well sir, ya see Rastus is from a little tiny town and he ain’t never seen a real big truck wreck before.”

You can decide if Virgil passed or not.

That’s exactly what Mrs. Dragon would do to me…or is it what I would do to her?  Hmm.  Hard to tell.

My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables…Jack and the beans talk.

Never use a GPS when going to a cemetery.  It’s not nice to hear, “You’ve reached your destination.”

Girls mature faster than guys because men don’t usually develop breasts until their mid 40’s.

How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.

An old woman walked into a dentist’s office, took off all her clothes, and spread her legs. The dentist said, “I think you have the wrong room.” “You put in my husband’s teeth last week,” she replied. “Now you have to remove them.”

How does a woman scare a gynecologist? By becoming a ventriloquist.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cube have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will actually search for a golf ball!

And that, my dear campers, is that.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s issue.

Please keep those submissions coming!!  I always, always, always need more stuff to make these ezines better and better for you guys.  Keep sending in your laffs and funnies.

Love to you all!

Impish Dragon!

Good Morning Campers!!!

I’m actually starting this on 30 December.  So, it’s still 2019 and I got a really good suggestion for what we should call the twenties.  Here’s a comment that I got on last Saturday’s New Year’s episode… (New Year’s issue?  New Year’s Extravaganza?  Whatever)

Dear Impish,
I hope you and your family have a very Happy and prosperous New Year !!!!! How about the
“REVITALIZING TWENTIES” in the hope that things will be better in the next year.
best wishes
Maggie

I kinda like the “Revitalizing Twenties” or the “Resurging Twenties”.  Thanks Maggie.  Any other suggestions?

Here’s one from Papa Dragon Most Senior:

One evening, after the honeymoon, Dick was working on his Harley in the garage.  His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally said, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we’re married, maybe it’s time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time.  And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know the boat is such an ongoing expense; and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment…  And what’s the use of that classic car — get rid of it!”

Dick got a strange look on his face.

She noticed and said, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

“You’re starting to sound like my ex-wife,”  he replied.

“Ex-wife!?” she shouted, “YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE.”

“I wasn’t…”

This one is so old, I think it was originally told by Rodney Dangerfield:

My high school was so small … we had sex education and driver’s education in the same car.

So, today was my first day back to work after more than a week off.  I have no idea where the hell the time went.  Seems like I got off work one day.  Got up the next day and it was Christmas.  Got up the next day and I was going back to work and ten days had gone by.  Holy crap!  Time travel!  It was amazing!

I was a little disappointed that over a ten day period I only got to enjoy and experience like one or two days, but hey … come on … time travel!  The things I have to put up with in the pursuit of science.

Now, if we can only figure out how to go BACK in time …

Now is time for the post holiday cartoons … you knew they were coming … you were waiting for them … and here they are …

Me: “I’m still tired from all the cross-fit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

You never know what I have up my sleeve.  Today, for example, it was a dryer sheet.

Apparently there are people out there who wash, dry, iron, fold, and put away their clothes – all in one day.

Yeah, I know.

I’m confused, too.

As seen on a T-Shirt

I apologize if I ever was a toxic person in your life, I’m maturing more everyday, correcting my wrongs and slowly but surely becoming a better version of me.

Just kidding.  Go fuck yourself.

That was bloody awful!

And speaking of statistics….this next essay is quite eye opening:

These are the facts that the gun grabbing liberals don’t want to focus on.

Take your time, you’re going to want to read this carefully:

Interesting statistics!  This jives with the research of Prof. John Lott at the University of Chicago, who is a noted expert on gun laws and stats.

Here are some facts:

     There are 30,000 gun related deaths per year by firearms, and this number is not disputed. The U.S. population is 324,059,091 as of June 22, 2016. Do the math: 0.00925% of the population dies from gun related actions each year. Statistically speaking, this is insignificant. What is never told, however, is a breakdown of those 30,000 deaths, to put them in perspective as compared to other causes of death:

     65% of those deaths are by suicide, which would never be prevented by gun laws.

     15% are by law enforcement in the line of duty and justified.

     17% are through criminal activity, gang and drug related or mentally ill persons – better known as gun violence.

      3% are accidental discharge deaths.

So technically, “gun violence” is not 30,000 annually, but drops to 5,100. Still too many? Now lets look at how those deaths spanned across the nation.

     480 homicides (9.4%) were in Chicago

     344 homicides (6.7%) were in Baltimore

     333 homicides (6.5%) were in Detroit

     119 homicides (2.3%) were in Washington D.C. (a 54% increase over prior years)

So basically, 25% of all gun crime happens in just 4 cities. All 4 of those cities have strict gun laws, so it is not the lack of law that is the root cause.

This basically leaves 3,825 for the entire rest of the nation, or about 75 deaths per state. That is an average because some States have much higher rates than others. For example, California had 1,169 and Alabama had 1.

     Now, who has the strictest gun laws by far? California, of course, but understand, it is not guns causing this. It is a crime rate spawned by the number of criminal persons residing in those cities and states. So, if all cities and states are not created equal, then there must be something other than the tool causing the gun deaths.

     Are 5,100 deaths per year horrific? How about in comparison to other deaths? All death is sad and especially so when it is in the commission of a crime but that is the nature of crime. Robbery, death, rape, assaults are all done by criminals. It is ludicrous to think that criminals will obey laws. That is why they are called criminals.

But what about other deaths each year?

     40,000+ die from a drug overdose–THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR THAT!

     36,000 people die per year from the flu, far exceeding the criminal gun deaths.

     34,000 people die per year in traffic fatalities(exceeding gun deaths even if you include suicide).

Here’s the surprise:

     200,000+ people die each year (and growing) from preventable medical errors. You are safer walking in the worst areas of Chicago than you are when you are in a hospital!

     710,000 people die per year from heart disease. It’s time to stop the double cheeseburgers! So, what is the point? If the liberals and the anti-gun movement focused their attention on heart disease, even a 10% decrease in cardiac deaths would save twice the number of lives annually of all gun-related deaths (including suicide, law enforcement, etc.).

     A 10% reduction in medical errors would be 66% of the total number of gun deaths or 4 times the number of criminal homicides ……………. Simple, easily preventable 10% reductions! So, you have to ask yourself, in the grand scheme of things, why the focus on guns?

It’s simple:

     Taking away our guns gives control to government. The founders of this nation knew that regardless of the form of government, those in power may become corrupt and seek to rule just as the British did by trying to disarm the populace of the colonies. It is not difficult to understand that a disarmed populace is a controlled populace.

Thus, the second amendment was proudly and boldly included in the U.S. Constitution.

Okay, so back to the laffs…..again!

Or by being a dip-shit

And that my dear friends, is that for this week.

May you all have a wonderful start to to 2020!

Love you all,

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

And Happy New Year!  We are starting the Roaring Twenties!  Although, that’s already been used, maybe we need to come up with something else.  The Raging Twenties?  Isn’t that a bit more appropriate?  Ah, maybe we’ll discuss that later.

I’m actually starting this on Christmas Day!  How ‘bout dat!  That’s because it’s been a nice relaxing week … not … it’s been CRAZY!!!

But it’s done.

Christmas has culminated in the gift giving and the loving of the family and the all of that and now Mrs. Dragon is napping and Izzy Dragon is in the middle of a game that she is immersed in that we might not see her again until March … or perhaps April … and it’s not quite late enough in the evening for me to partake of one of my Christmas presents … wait … hang on, I’ve got a picture …

That’s a bottle of good Irish Whisky in a globe decanter with a ship inside of it … Now, my brother, God rest his soul, would argue that there is better Irish Whisky, and Lethal Leprechaun, God rest HIS soul … or maybe God’s soul … you gotta wonder how much trouble Lethal’s causing upstairs right now, but I digress, … Lethal would also argue that there is better, but for the money, Jameson is a really good Irish Whisky and just as soon as I think it’s morally correct …. say, anytime after one in the afternoon or at least noon, there’s going to be a whisky rocks with Impish’s name on it.

So, in the meantime, why don’t we get this issue off the ground?

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

Instead of presents this year, I’m giving everyone my opinion.

Get excited.

Christmas is just plain weird.  What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of your socks.

Once, there was a lumberjack who wandered into a magical forest. As he swung his axe, the tree said “don’t cut me down, I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack replied, “and you will dialogue.”

Yes, I know it was pretty bad, but it’s so hard to find any jokes nowadays that we have to use what we get.  Send some high quality jokes and I’ll print some high quality jokes, keep sending me this stuff and … well … you understand.

Okay, that sounded really harsh…like I didn’t appreciate the talking tree joke.  I did appreciate the talking tree joke and the word play with the word “dialogue” and … oh never mind… even my harsh but playful critic and humorous apology isn’t making it.

Let’s just move on.

Do they have restaurants in Japan where American people cook in front of you with lawn chairs and a grill?

I ALWAYS get the last word in my cavern with Mrs. Dragon and I mean, every, single, time.
And that’s because I’m the Dragon of my household!
And you better believe it!
And what is that last word you ask?
That last word is, and always has been, “Yes, Ma’am.”

I feel like water solves all problems…

Want to lose weight?     Drink Water.

Clear up your skin?     Drink Water.

Tired of a person?     Drown Them.

Best Childhood Memory…

Falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed.  I miss teleporting.  It never happens to me anymore.

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try to sell this to me.”

So, I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually, he called my cell phone and said, “Bring it back here right now!”

I said, “$200, and it’s yours.”

Thanks, Mr. Obvious.

Wildly funny and crushingly true. 

And if you think that’s not possible to come out of the same person’s mouth, I’ve actually heard it.

Yup, I knew it was going to happen.  Now, I feel like crying.  So, let’s get back to the LAUGHTER!!!!!

I SPEAK MY MIND
Because it hurts to bite my tongue all the time.

Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape and gain any benefit from it.  I find this to be cruel and unfair.

My stomach is FLAT.  The L is just silent.

You will not believe what just happened. I go to the gas station to get fuel and noticed 2 officers watching some guy who was smoking while he was pumping his gas. I saw him & thought: 1. This guy has no common sense & 2. Is he really that stupid with officers right there, too? Anyways, as I was pumping my gasoline, I heard screaming & looked across the way. This idiot’s arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm & running around going crazy! 

I watched as the officers had put him on the ground & were putting the fire out with their coffees! YES, THEIR COFFEES! Then, they handcuffed him & threw him in the back of the patrol car. I said to myself, That’s what you get, shouldn’t have been smoking near the pump while getting gas!! 

So, being the nosy person that I am, I asked them, “What are you charging him with, being stupid?” One of the officers looked dead at me and said: “FOR WAVING A FIREARM!!!”

OH MY GOSH!  This is so Izzy right now!  Don’t get me wrong.  She can work her way through a computer like nobody’s business, knows her way around stuff that I may never know, but send her to the kitchen for the salt and pepper and your liable to get cat food and coffee creamer.  And we don’t even OWN a cat.

Although who ever really owns a cat…it’s more like a cat owns you, but I digress…

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.  So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

Picked up a hitch-hiker.  Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

Taking Viagra for my sunburn.  It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

Sounds like a really good resolution to me!

If it’s true that stress brings on weight loss, why the hell am I not invisible?

Ridiculous Twenties?

Redundant Twenties?

Rolling Twenties?

I’m still not coming up with anything…what’ve you guys got?

Definitely sounds like this place!

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

I detect a theme…

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session but here we are.

I went line dancing last night.  Well, it was a roadside sobriety test…same thing.

It’s been a bit of a strange day!  First, I found a hat full of money.  Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St. Paul’s Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: “Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was correct her eyesight.”

The Three Hardest Things To Say Are:

1. I was wrong
2. I need help
3. Worcestershire Sauce

Okay, so this is an old joke, but still so very funny…

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.  She read, “…and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling!’”  The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said, ‘Holy Shit! A talking Chicken!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.

Told my wife I wanted to be cremated.  She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

If you remove the first letter if Empty,

it’s pronounced the same way.

If you remove the last letter,

it’s still  pronounced the same.

Even if you go on to remove the first, third and last letters,

you’ll still be left with ‘MT.’

And if you remove every letter,

it’s still empty.

Some really old and some really bad sports quotes

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboy Quarterback, once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach: “Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of any place else to play.”

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: “Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”

Doug Sanders, professional golfer: “I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher: “All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there is a fat guy doing great. Bring me another beer.’”

Tommy Lasorda , Los Angeles Dodgers manager: “I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”

E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his twelve knee operations: “My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”

Vic Braden, tennis instructor: “My theory is that if you buy an ice cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: “I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”

John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: “When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon: “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach: “I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers: “I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”

George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores: “Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach: “The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”

And that is it for this week my dear, dear friends.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon