Dragon Laffs #1673


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Good Morning Campers,16

And Happy New Year!  We are starting the Roaring Twenties!  Although, that’s already been used, maybe we need to come up with something else.  The Raging Twenties?  Isn’t that a bit more appropriate?  Ah, maybe we’ll discuss that later.

25I’m actually starting this on Christmas Day!  How ‘bout dat!  That’s because it’s been a nice relaxing week … not … it’s been CRAZY!!!

But it’s done.

Christmas has culminated in the gift giving and the loving of the family and the all of that and now Mrs. Dragon is napping and Izzy Dragon is in the middle of a game that 27she is immersed in that we might not see her again until March … or perhaps April … and it’s not quite late enough in the evening for me to partake of one of my Christmas presents … wait … hang on, I’ve got a picture …

1f

1gThat’s a bottle of good Irish Whisky in a globe decanter with a ship inside of it … Now, my brother, God rest his soul, would argue that there is better Irish Whisky, and Lethal Leprechaun, God rest HIS soul … or maybe God’s soul … you gotta wonder how much trouble Lethal’s causing upstairs right now, but I digress, … Lethal would also argue that there is better, but for the money, Jameson is a really good Irish Whisky and just as soon as I think it’s morally correct …. say, anytime after one in the afternoon or at least noon, there’s going to be a whisky rocks with Impish’s name on it.

So, in the meantime, why don’t we get this issue off the ground?

Let's Laugh 3

1

I don’t always go the extra mile, but when I do, it’s because I missed my exit.

424

Instead of presents this year, I’m giving everyone my opinion.

Get excited.

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Christmas is just plain weird.  What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree in the living room and eat candy out of your socks.

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426

Once, there was a lumberjack who wandered into a magical forest. As he swung his axe, the tree said “don’t cut me down, I’m a talking tree!”

The lumberjack replied, “and you will dialogue.”

Yes, I know it was pretty bad, but it’s so hard to find any jokes nowadays that we have to use what we get.  Send some high quality jokes and I’ll print some high quality jokes, keep sending me this stuff and … well … you understand.

Okay, that sounded really harsh…like I didn’t appreciate the talking tree joke.  I did appreciate the talking tree joke and the word play with the word “dialogue” and … oh never mind… even my harsh but playful critic and humorous apology isn’t making it.

Let’s just move on.

7

427

Do they have restaurants in Japan where American people cook in front of you with lawn chairs and a grill?

8

428

I ALWAYS get the last word in my cavern with Mrs. Dragon and I mean, every, single, time.
And that’s because I’m the Dragon of my household!
And you better believe it!
And what is that last word you ask?
That last word is, and always has been, “Yes, Ma’am.”

9


429

I feel like water solves all problems…

Want to lose weight?     Drink Water.

Clear up your skin?     Drink Water.

Tired of a person?     Drown Them.

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430

Best Childhood Memory…

Falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed.  I miss teleporting.  It never happens to me anymore.

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431

I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try to sell this to me.”

So, I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually, he called my cell phone and said, “Bring it back here right now!”

I said, “$200, and it’s yours.”

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Thanks, Mr. Obvious.

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coollogo_com-39651247

Wildly funny and crushingly true. 

4a

And if you think that’s not possible to come out of the same person’s mouth, I’ve actually heard it.

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Yup, I knew it was going to happen.  Now, I feel like crying.  So, let’s get back to the LAUGHTER!!!!!

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I SPEAK MY MIND
Because it hurts to bite my tongue all the time.

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Apparently you have to eat healthy more than once to get in shape and gain any benefit from it.  I find this to be cruel and unfair.

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436

My stomach is FLAT.  The L is just silent.

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437

You will not believe what just happened. I go to the gas station to get fuel and noticed 2 officers watching some guy who was smoking while he was pumping his gas. I saw him & thought: 1. This guy has no common sense & 2. Is he really that stupid with officers right there, too? Anyways, as I was pumping my gasoline, I heard screaming & looked across the way. This idiot’s arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm & running around going crazy! 

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I watched as the officers had put him on the ground & were putting the fire out with their coffees! YES, THEIR COFFEES! Then, they handcuffed him & threw him in the back of the patrol car. I said to myself, That’s what you get, shouldn’t have been smoking near the pump while getting gas!! 

So, being the nosy person that I am, I asked them, “What are you charging him with, being stupid?” One of the officers looked dead at me and said: “FOR WAVING A FIREARM!!!”

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438

OH MY GOSH!  This is so Izzy right now!  Don’t get me wrong.  She can work her way through a computer like nobody’s business, knows her way around stuff that I may never know, but send her to the kitchen for the salt and pepper and your liable to get cat food and coffee creamer.  And we don’t even OWN a cat.

Although who ever really owns a cat…it’s more like a cat owns you, but I digress…

a1

439

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.  So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight started.

m1

440

Picked up a hitch-hiker.  Seemed like a nice guy.

After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn’t afraid that he might be a serial killer?

I told him that the odds of two serial killers being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

m2

441

Taking Viagra for my sunburn.  It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

m3

Sounds like a really good resolution to me!

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If it’s true that stress brings on weight loss, why the hell am I not invisible?

Ridiculous Twenties?

Redundant Twenties?

Rolling Twenties?

I’m still not coming up with anything…what’ve you guys got?

m4

Definitely sounds like this place!

443

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

444

1

Animal Cruelty

Animal Rights

Animal Rights2

I detect a theme…

animal testing

announcement

Anteaters

Anti tank dogs

Antidepressant

antique plan b

AntiTank Missile

any Caption

any dad

Any Landing

apathy

445

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow” that many times in your first session but here we are.

446

I went line dancing last night.  Well, it was a roadside sobriety test…same thing.

447

It’s been a bit of a strange day!  First, I found a hat full of money.  Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar…

448

Sex After Surgery

A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, has sued St. Paul’s Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: “Mrs. Harper was admitted for cataract surgery.  All we did was correct her eyesight.”

449

The Three Hardest Things To Say Are:

  1. I was wrong
  2. I need help
  3. Worcestershire Sauce

450

Okay, so this is an old joke, but still so very funny…

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class.  She came to the part where Chicken Little warns the farmer.  She read, “…and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ‘The sky is falling!’”  The teacher then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said, ‘Holy Shit! A talking Chicken!’”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next ten minutes.

451

Told my wife I wanted to be cremated.  She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

452

If you remove the first letter if Empty,

it’s pronounced the same way.

If you remove the last letter,

it’s still  pronounced the same.

Even if you go on to remove the first, third and last letters,

you’ll still be left with ‘MT.’

And if you remove every letter,

it’s still empty.

453

Some really old and some really bad sports quotes

Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboy Quarterback, once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach: “Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of any place else to play.”

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: “Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”

Doug Sanders, professional golfer: “I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch on Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher: “All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there is a fat guy doing great. Bring me another beer.’”

Tommy Lasorda , Los Angeles Dodgers manager: “I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad I’m having them.”

E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his twelve knee operations: “My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”

Vic Braden, tennis instructor: “My theory is that if you buy an ice cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: “I don’t know. I only played there for nine years.”

John Breen, Houston Oilers: “We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons: “The film looks suspiciously like the game itself.”

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: “When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”

Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon: “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

Lou Holtz, Arkansas football coach: “I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: “I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”

Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers: “I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”

George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores: “Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach: “The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday.”

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And that is it for this week my dear, dear friends.

Cheers,

Impish Dragon

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #1673

  1. Maggie says:

    Dear Impish,
    I hope you and your family have a very Happy and prosperous New Year !!!!! How about the
    “REVITALIZING TWENTIES” in the hope that things will be better in the next year.
    best wishes
    Maggie

  2. James Churchill says:

    Hey hey hey! Just in case I don’t get the chance in the next 4 days, have a veery merry festive holiday event, and thanks a million for your humor. If you are on Facebook, find me and I’ll give you the thumbs up, and you can take whatever you want for on your page. You’ll likely see some stuff similar to your posting. Just a thought.

    Like I said , all the best to you and yours!

    James >

  3. Danny says:

    I have said it before but thanks again for all the good stuff. So much of the humor online is so lame. Do not see that here. Kudos.

  4. Leah D says:

    Another year down . . . we’ve got to keep meeting like this!

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