Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday morning.  And it’s quiet.  I’ve gotten one or two emails from work, but no phone calls.  I’ve gotten the state and national numbers and if you are following such things you know they are abysmal so there’s not much sense in talking about them.  My county jumped from 5 cases yesterday to 8 cases today, which is a bit disconcerting, but no where near as bad as some of the major metropolitan areas.  The county that Indianapolis sits in which, square miles-wise probably is close to the same size as my county (okay so I had to look – Marion County, where Indianapolis is = 403, Miami County where I live = 377) … where was I, oh right, Marion County has 1,570 cases and 34 deaths, so I really shouldn’t complain about our 8 cases.  We still have 5 counties in Indiana that are showing as 0 cases.  Guess it’s nice to live in fly-over country.

And here I said there wasn’t much sense in talking about the numbers and what do I spend the first three minutes doing?  Talking about the numbers.  But, that’s all any of us are doing, anymore, right?  Talking about numbers.  Maybe not even COVID numbers but other numbers.  How many days we’ll be on lock-down; how much food do we have left in the house; how much milk is left in the fridge; how much money is left in the account; how much more of this can we take; who ate the last oatmeal crème pies; (that last one would be me)

Well, just stop it!

I see people on line (mostly Mrs. Dragon’s friends, not mine) whining about how they can’t take being “locked-up” any more.  Oh for crying-out-loud!  First of all you’re not “locked-up!”  I’ve worked in the Department of Corrections and County Jail Systems (from the outside not the inside…don’t get the wrong idea here!!) and in a lot of ways they have it way too easy, but in the one way they don’t is that they are all right on top of each other.  They are truly locked-up.  In some of the county jails, there may be 10-12 people sweating, breathing, and farting, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week in a room the size of your living room. Not my living room, mine’s smaller than that.  You can go outside, move around your house,  and in most cases, even go to the grocery.  You can still do things.  Just be a little inventive. 

Got a Facebook picture from my niece, looks like she’s going camping.  That’s a solitary activity you can do.  Not for everybody.  Not if you are older or have kids that are supposed to be doing the school thing right now or if you live in an area where it’s still cold, but still, think outside the box.  My neighbors had a bonfire and drank and sang songs the other night, which is really not a far step outside what they do whenever the weather is nice. 

Think outside the box.

I read… a lot.  Which is not outside the realm of what I like to do anyway.  When I’m not talking to you guys or at work, my favorite thing of all things to do…okay… other than play darts but I can’t do that right now … and we’re keeping this PG rated … okay, so all those caveats are in place …. my favorite thing of all things to do would be to sit out on my back pergola with a cup of coffee in the morning (look, I don’t ask what’s in your coffee, you don’t ask what’s in mine!) or a refreshing beverage in the evening, a cigar, and a good book open on my tablet.  On a nice day I can go through a whole book in an afternoon.  It’s the only thing that there is that can completely remove me from my thoughts.  If I’m worried about something, or my mind is working a problem or I’m anxious, nothing, not a movie, alcohol, nothing, will completely remove me from that except getting lost in a good book.

I think it was last weekend… I sat and read while Mrs. Dragon watched some of her murdery shows on the ID (Investigation Network or whatever the heck it is.  I tell you, I should really be worred!) and on Sunday afternoon she asked me, “Did you read a whole book this weekend?” and when I stopped and figured it out, I had actually read two and a half…in-between everything else that had been going on.  So, yeah.  So long as I have my tablet, and electricity, I’m all set.  AND if that fails, I’ve got a couple of boxes of paperbacks that will keep me going for a week or two then I’m fucked.

Now, on to the laughter.

  

There are still an awful lot of people in our country who are doing that…they are jackasses, too!

And there it is!!!! The quote of the day!  There’s one every day and this one came early!

I think I’ve used that one before, but it’s funny enough, I think I’ll use it again.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed.
After years of this the wife wants him to quit, so she gets 2 shot glasses, filling 1 with water the other with whiskey.
She gets him to the table with the glasses and has his bait box there too.
She says “I want you to see this.” She puts a worm in the water it swims around. She puts a worm in the whiskey and the worm dies.
She says “so what do you have to say about this experiment?”
He says “IF I DRINK WHISKEY I WON’T GET WORMS!”

One night, a torrential rain soaked South Louisiana; the next morning the resulting flood waters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there. Mrs. Boudreaux was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Thibodaux, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Thibodaux noticed a lone baseball cap floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float all the way back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back in. Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Boudreaux, “Do you see that baseball cap floating away from the house, then back again?” Mrs. Boudreaux said, “Oh yes, that’s my husband; I told him he was going to cut the grass today come Hell or high water!”

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ”WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?” he yelled.
No one answered.
”ALL RIGHT, I’M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA’ BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I’M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ”Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, ”I had to walk home.”

So here’s a good place to add a letter that I got from the guy who sent in the last couple of jokes.  Another brother military member.

An introduction: I’m from Annapolis MD. 25 years Merchant Marine Master, I spent a little time driving boats for Uncle Sam’s Yacht club. Also 40 years in the diving industry. Mainly DOD and government, some nuclear. So I understand a good bit of what you do and are dealing with.  

Wife and 2 kids, a daughter and son. She is a 3^rd year NROTC Mid and he is a high school junior, also a Chief select in Sea Cadets. They dive as well, so it works well for vacations.

Your story about the hospital with Izzy is interesting. Glad it went well. My 3 went to donate blood at the hospital yesterday. Only one person at a time was allowed in the blood center. They waited in the car, when not donating.

Anyway, hope you can use the jokes. Keep up the good work.

B/r

Scott H

Yup, Scott I can see we have a tiny bit of overlap, it’s nice to hear from another brother Service Member.  Thank you for your service.  Sounds like you got a good couple of kids coming up as well.  I tried to give blood not that long ago and I was told that I can’t because I served in Germany and England, both of which had Mad Cow Disease and they won’t take my blood even though I have a rare blood type.  Isn’t that the strangest thing.  It’s been 31 years since I’ve been there, but they won’t take my blood.  Almost breaks my heart.

Anyway, Thanks for writing Scott…and for the rest of you, I will not give out your email address, I will not use anything but your first name and last initial, even if you ask me to,  and I will even use a pseudonym if you want me to….write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com.  I mean come on!  Do you think Impish is my real first name?  No… my mom called me George.  George Dragon.  I just liked Impish better.

Got another email!!!!!!!!

Hey!

Thanks for keeping the laughs coming! Need them more now than ever.

Here in Powell River, BC, Canada, we have no known cases and zero deaths. Probably has something to do with only being accessible by ferry, boat, or plane…and all flights are suspended with the ferries only hauling essential services. This place is like a fucking ghost town.

Oh well, hope all is well there, keep up the exemplary works!

James C

IFIXCATS Mobile Heavy Equipment repair.

Okay, so I took James’s last name out, but left in his company’s name….I thought it was cool and he deserved a plug and he’s way the hell up north of Vancouver!  Surrounded by lakes and rivers and such.  No kidding, ghost town!  But, right now it comes in handy, right?  No cases, no deaths…kick your feet up, have a beer.  Let the weather warm up a bit and it’ll be nice up there, I’ll bet.

I’ll add you to the map James!  Thanks for writing!

Hey creative community! Just a reminder that Shakespeare was quarantined for the plague when he wrote King Lear. No pressure!!

Also highly contagious is kindness, patience, love, enthusiasm, and a positive attitude. Don’t wait to catch it from others…be the carrier!

Your grandparents were called to war. You’re being called to sit on your couch. You can do this!!

Pro tip: if you get pulled over, just start coughing.

All these kids who have been learning Common Core math are about to learn how to “Carry the One” from their new homeschool teachers.

And an email from Joe S.  You know…thinking about it, I sure hope you guys don’t get bored with me sharing my emails with you…too bad if you do.  If you’re bored, skip this part, lol.

hi again,

still have not gotten the rocky mountain oysters out of the freezer!   LMAO    it’s all good.  that is why we live in the USA, so we can choose and talk about how bad something is    that someone else is eating!!  we are doing well here in Nebraska.  keeping the cows milked and getting everyone fed.  don’t go off the farm much,  keep busy building fence.  thanks so much for keeping us informed and up to date on what you know about it all!!

stay safe

joe

You guys remember Joe and the (gag!) testicles!  Yup!  That Joe.  Glad you guys are doing good, Joe.  And thanks for writing.  Glad you are enjoying what I’m sending out.  I’m trying my best to inform, but I’m not sure I’m giving out any better information than anyone else is.  I will tell you when I think something is bullshit and I guess that’s a little better than most of the major news outlets who are either 100% against or 100% for whatever political party you happen to mention.  Anyway, Stay Safe, Stay Home, Stay Happy!

Oh My Gawd!

I’m sorry…I don’t know what I would do at this point if I walked in and saw this…but I sure as HELL wouldn’t have stopped to take a friggin’ PICTURE!!!

Just for the record, I take these things one row at a time from my VAST hoard of posters, that are in alphabetical order…and we are only in the ‘Cs’ … and we have yet to have an issue that didn’t have any boobs in it.  It’s not my fault, it’s the nature of the beast… so let’s see…

One-third of the way there….

Two-thirds of the way … could this be the issue?

Gods!  That was bloody awful!

And there it is…sigh…I’m sorry…not tis week, either.

Now that’s just gratuitous!!!

Okay, so mostly cartoons today, but it was a slow lazy day … which is a good thing every now and then.  Tried to mow the lawn and the lawn mower threw a belt, so it’s down at the repair shop…which just happens to be three doors down from me.  Feels funny riding the mower down the side of the road to the repair shop, but it sure is handy. 

Anyway, by the time I get it back I’ll probably need a bush hog to get through the back.  At least I got the front done.

Hey, doesn’t this look cooler:

Yup!  Latin!  Latin is always cooler!  Exiled for the good of the realm! 

Anyway, …. oh … stars… what was our current record?  20 on Thursday … so, let’s see:

Tuesday 16 (0)
Wednesday 18 (0)
Thursday 21 (+1)
Friday 18 (+4)
Saturday 17

So…. Tuesday and Wednesday are now out of the running, Thursday is still in First place with 21 votes … yay!

And that’s all folks!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Friday!  Yay!!!!!!  Not that that really means anything.  I’ll probably be working part of the day tomorrow and you’ll actually be reading this tomorrow, the days begin to blend themselves together, it’s all sliding towards Monday and the weekend is over and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Damn!  That’s how it happens.  That fast.  Just like that!

Sheesh!  I need more coffee.  This day is already starting out way too surreal.   And speaking of surreal.  I go to Google to get a fast clipart of a small coffee cup to throw up here with my last statement and find the EXACT coffee cup that I am currently drinking out of.  Same color and everything.  Wow!  How weird is that.  I mean, mine is a bit more beat up than that one, but still … it’s gonna be one of those days……………. okay, so maybe I’m reaching here just a little, but work with me here folks!  No?  Okay, then let’s laugh!

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.  He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.  

The blonde looked at Jack and said,  “Do you think he’ll jump?” 

Jack says, “You know what, I bet he will.”  The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”  Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, “You’re on!”  

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.  The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, “Fair’s fair… Here’s your money.” 

Jack replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”  

The blonde replies, “I did too;  but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”

Jack took the money.

And speaking of blondes…

Two idiots built a spaceship and were proud when it was completed.

Idiot 1 said; “Now that we are all done, where should we go in our new ship?”

Idiot 2 said; “We’ll fly it to the sun. Nobody has ever done that and we can be the first!”

Then Idiot 1 said; “But if we try to fly to the sun we will burn up long before we get there because the sun is so hot.”

Idiot 2 answered; “You really are an idiot. We’ll be perfectly safe because we’ll be going there at night!”

Okay, so yes, they were old ones, but like Tom (the camper who sent them to me) said, there are probably some younger readers who haven’t heard them yet.

I’m telling you, this kid would be an absolute menace to be home with right now!  I can’t possibly even imagine!

Zogwarg Queen, indeed!

I was listening to one of my favorite podcasts the other day, Bob and Sheri and they asked the question, “While I have been on home isolation, I have eaten an entire _____” and some of the answers were absolutely hilarious!  Some of them were to be expected, you know, an entire bag of chocolate chip cookies, a whole bag of marshmallows, but some of them were really great!  So, here it is for you, gentle campers, what have you eaten an entire ____ of while being socially distant?  For this Impish Dragon?  I’d say an entire village, but that is really nothing out of the ordinary for me.  But, if you are looking for something entertaining to listen to while locked away in your cave, check out Bob and Sheri on your favorite podcast device or at https://bobandsheri.com/ and you will be nicely surprised.

Especially if you have a fever, headache, and a dry cough.

Sitting by the window of her convent, Sister Barbara opened a letter from home one evening.
Inside the letter was a $100 bill her parents had sent.
Sister Barbara smiled at the gesture.
As she read the letter by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.
Quickly, she wrote, “Don’t despair. – Sister Barbara,” on a piece of paper, wrapped the $100 bill in it, got the man’s attention and tossed it out the window to him.
The stranger picked it up, and with a puzzled expression and a tip of his hat, went off down the street.
The next day, Sister Barbara was told that a man was at her door, insisting on seeing her. She went down, and found the stranger waiting.  Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.
“That’s the $8,000 you have coming Sister,” he replied. “Don’t Despair paid 80-to-1.”

Quarantine has turned us all into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told ‘no’ if we get too close to strangers.
And we get really excited about car rides.

When we come out of this, and I ask you where you want to eat. I do not want to hear, “I don’t know.” YOU HAD 45 DAYS!

And speaking a little more about blondes…

Okay, I can keep throwing cartoons and jokes at you guys inbetween answering emails and the phone for work, but let’s get to the mail real quick.  Not many today, so it should be easy.

Bruce C

Hi I am here in Kalamazoo Michigan, we only go out for groceries and doctor appointments. Every. Thing is shut down here it Is strange to see so little traffic on the roads but then we have to do what we can to stay safe. But I do miss dining out.

Hi ya Bruce from Kalamazoo!  You’re close to me…well, relatively speaking anyway.  A hell of a lot closer than Peter from Deception Bay!  And with a cool place name, too!  Kalamazoo!  About 157 miles!  You’ve been added to the map, brother!  Yup, we miss going out to eat around here, too.  There is this great little diner called Gabriels in town that just serves breakfast and lunch, but they do it right!

Stay safe, stay home, and stay well,  Bruce and thanks for writing to us!

Brenda C

Hello from thickets state where we are all hunkered down…and enjoying the laughs…we are quarantined for another month…keep on the most social life we have is mowing the lawn and talking to the dog..keep up the funnies…me and me Riley ( the dog) love laughing..breaks up our dreary mundane day

I’ll be honest Brenda, I tried to figure out where the thickets state was and I got three guesses based on Google.  Wisconsin, Michigan, and Texas… from most likely to least likely.  There was also one reference for Wyoming, but I don’t think so.  Inquiring minds want to know, lol.

Glad you and Riley are enjoying what we are laying down here and glad you are all hunkered down and safe.  Keep it that way, even if it is mundane and dreary otherwise.  Be still, be home, be safe.

And just as I was getting ready to move on, this came in from our dear friend …

Leah D

Another Excellent Issue! Oh I need the quarantine size beer for my husband!
He is extremely afraid of the virus.He has dementia, and obsessing is one result. My guess is it is his way to not forget. He wants to do what ever chore I ask of him, RIGHT NOW, because if he doesn’t, he will forget.
That need, overrides, contradicts, his fear. So all the talking and agreeing about staying isolated, goes out the window. He sees he is low on something, he wants to run to the store. Once I solve the situation, it’s like I lifted the arm off the phonograph record, and he isn’t stuck in the repeating mode anymore.
Thankfully, my two sons, who do have to work, but outside, are going shopping this weekend, and they will buy beer for him. They are scared of the virus, wish their boss would lay them off. Their job is not a necessary one, but only 9 guys work, so they fall below the 10 rule. They said this is their last shopping trip, then they will isolate as much as they can with having to still work. Their company has no insurance plan, so if they get sick with the virus, the hospital costs would take years for them to pay off. Meanwhile, the company is getting a big dollar bonus from the government, because they are still working.
My three men: How is it that which gives us such great joy in our life, also gives us the greatest misery?

Leah, probably not misery, but fear.  And fear can be dealt with.  One of the greatest quotes I ever read, from one of the greatest authors, in one of the greatest books (okay, so how’s THAT for a lead up) is from Frank Herbert in his book Dune and it goes like this: “I must not fear.  Fear is the mind-killer.  Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.  I will face my fear.  I will permit it to pass over me and through me.  And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.  Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.  Only I will remain.”  And I admit, I looked it up on line to make sure I had it right.  But, it is a lesson I tried to learn a long time ago and it has stood me well over the years in all the different, sometimes exciting (<-sarcasm font) jobs and situations that I’ve had and found myself in. 

The person who can remain calm in the face of danger and adversity and (in this case) stress is the one who will end up being successful and able to help and assist others.  Let your fear pass over and through you and turn and see its path and be the pillar of strength still standing when it’s gone and you will be able to do what is necessary to support your family.

How very Zen and that is the end of the psychology 101 lesson for today. 

Not my first thought, but okay.

Yup!  I’ve been there.  Just about every morning.

See!  Told ya!

Yes you are.

More proof.

And that dear friends is the end of today’s episode.  I hope you enjoyed it.  I’m going to go out now and mow the lawn since we’ve got rain expected for Saturday.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving comments on the website.  Let’s check stars before we go, shall we?
Tuesday 16
Wednesday 18
Thursday 20
Friday 14
So, Thursday is our best …. so far, we still have time to beat it, but 20 votes is better than we’ve been.  Thanks for all you’ve done for me, keeping me motivated and happy and you guys stay home and stay safe until we meet again.  Love to you all!

Cheers!  Impish Dragon!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s THURSDAY!  Thirsty Thursday!  Well, right now that means coffee, but later…who knows!  Took me quite a bit to get online this morning.  Too many people teleworking!  I think it’s going to get worse before it gets better.  But, this could be good.  Let’s beef up this infrastructure.  Make it more robust and stronger.  Then we’ll be ready next time we need it.  And let’s not let it go to hell afterward. 

Just like we don’t let all our manufacturing go overseas, just to save a buck.  Now all our medication is made in China and we can’t get any…how the hell is that working out for us now!?  What the hell ever happened to the pride in being made in the USA? Boy, we sure are paying for that now!

Unemployment is sky high, which, I know, is to be expected, but we could have taken an edge off of that if we had kept some of that manufacturing here in the states.  We are idiots.

Anyway, let’s get to the laughter, shall we?  I think we need it on this thirsty Thursday.  I need to take my Izzy Dragon to the hospital today for a routine (?!) blood draw today, if there is such a thing anymore, and I’m scared to death to do so.  We had a telephone conference with her doctor on the phone, like a facetime call, yesterday and she said it should be safe … that we could wait a few weeks if we want to, but the hospital that we are going to does not currently have any COVID patients so I am opting for sooner rather than later.  I called them and got the protocols.  I am tempted to stop by work and get her and I a couple of gas masks from work, but figured that would scare the hell out of the civilians and liable to get us both arrested, but I will scope out the situation first and if I don’t like what I see, I will drive right on by.  I will give you guys an update later.

But before we get started, here’s an urgent update from the CDC:

Well, I don’t know if I would want to set up the damn tree…that’s always been a real pain in the ass to me, although I love it being up, but the rest of it?  Heck yeah!

The man makes a point….

The woman makes a couple of points of her own…

(okay, come on!  It was so easy!)

Well, damn!  I just went and looked and found out that yesterday’s … Wednesday’s post didn’t post.  I just had to do it manually!  Not sure if I didn’t set it up right or it failed or what happened.  Surprise!

Oh well.  It went out before noon. lol.

Damn!

So, I took the Izzy Dragon to the hospital for her blood draw.  The parking lot on the clinical side of the hospital was pretty barren which was comforting, so we chanced going in.  Right inside the front door was two nurses at a desk with PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) on and they asked us questions about who was the patient and I thought they wouldn’t let me go with her at that point and was ready to explain about her anxiety, but they were cool.  They also asked if we had any symptoms and where we were going, etc.  Then they took her temp orally (97.6) and mine with a forehead scanner (almost 100!!!!)  I said WAIT!!  It had to be because I had been wearing a ball cap.  You can take mine orally as well!

98.4

Whew!  That made me feel better!

They took it all in stride and were very professional.

There was almost nobody in the lobby area.  We checked in.  Almost nobody in the check in area.  They sent us over to the lab waiting area.  One other person in the lab waiting area and they got called into the lab when we sat down. 

About 5 minutes later Izzy got called.  I asked the lady if I could go back with her for “moral” support.  She said, “I remember you.  Yeah, Dad better come along.”  And she let me come back with Izzy.  The blood draw took less than a minute, and we were out of there.  It was all done very professionally and correctly.  I stopped at the nurses station on the way out the door and thanked them for what they were doing.  They seemed very appreciative of that, like they hadn’t heard that before.  Which actually kind of surprises me. 

Anyway, it worked out really well.  Now we wait for the results. 

Let’s look at the mail:

Our first one is from Peter down under in Deception Bay (SUCH a cool name!)

We are doing  O.K.  here Down Under, quite severe restrictions of course.

This is usually paradise if you ever get a chance come and visit. 

When the cursed virus is just a memory.  Regards,   Peter.

Now THAT sounds like an invitation to me!!!!  I’m thinking the after the virus party needs to be in Deception Bay!!!!

But seriously, glad you guys are doing okay.  Stay safe brother!

Don G

Another great issue, thank you for the work you do here keeping us laughing. I am just outside of Eatonville,Wa which is south of Tacoma. I drive a Special Education school bus and miss my kids greatly during this time. I do get to see my grandson periodically, which is a true joy.

Thanks Don…and your name is added to the map!  I’m glad you’re enjoying what I’m putting out and driving a school bus is a big deal.  Believe it or not, I know a LOT of school bus drivers and everyone of them, to a T is a good and loving individual and everyone of them is missing their kids.  Oh, they’ll tease and say that they’re glad they’re rid of the little monsters, but they’re their little monsters and they miss them something awful.  Love to you and to the job that you do, brother!

And of course, our daily dose of Leah D….

Leah D.

My husband and I are in total isolation. we don’t allow anyone into our home.
Well, my friend has stage four lung cancer.. You’d think she would be quarantining, but she keeps going shopping at Walmart, etc. I told her she doesn’t need to worry about dying from cancer, she is going to die from the virus.
She has a test today that is going to last 2 1/2 hours. This test was scheduled a LONG time ago, and back then, I said I would take her.
Last night I told her I would take her, but would not go into the hospital with her. I did not want to even be around her, let alone others.
This morning she called them, then me, saying she would drive herself. She would have to stay at the hospital awhile after the test, but that was no big deal.

I was so relieved!

But feel so guilty . . . .

Ok, I admit it . . . The number of stars I give an issue depends on how many items I stole to post or send to someone. This is an Excellent!

Oh Leah, honey, don’t feel guilty!  Each and every one of us is only capable of doing what we are able to do.  Your friend sounds like she is quite able to fend for herself, going to Wal-Mart…damn…she sounds like a brave lady, sick or not!  You worry about taking care of YOURSELF and your husband.  And then when and if you can, you reach out to others.  Not before.  You listen to this wise and sage dragon!

And stars by how much stuff you steal?  !  ?  ! 

Well, okay, that sounds fair to me, I guess

That’s all the mail for today folks. 

Come on!  Don’t be shy.  Drop me a quick line!  Tell me where you live!  Tell me what you’re doing to get by!  Tell me how you’re faring.  Tell me a joke!  Send me a cartoon.  Just say hi!  impishdragon@gmail.com or just hit the comment button at the end.  It’s easy.

I leave your last name off as well as your email address.  Promise I won’t add you to any spam lists (wouldn’t know how to if I wanted to)

Now, on to more funny stuff.

Okay, that’s another one you younger campers aren’t going to get.  I know because I remember that song came out when I was in High School…yes, I’m that old.  Try looking up 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover by Paul Simon

Mom, did you start knitting?

Yeah, in my house the first part is:
Accidentally stepped on my husband’s foot: “Get the fuck out of the way.”
Nah, I’m just kidding. Ow!  I said I was…Ow!…Kidding!  Ow!

Yup, we know that part of the Elemental Table very well around here.

Please, please, please don’t let me get started on that topic…

Let’s do some of these…

It is absolutely amazing to me… (continued under another Motivational Poster )

…how many of these Motivational …

… Posters feature …

… boobies …

… not that I’m complaining, mind you …

Not that one!

I am a male dragon, after all.
I guess that makes me a dirty old Male Dragon…
… I can live with that.

Hey!  I ran out of Coronavirus cartoons!  We’re back to the regular stuff!

Gonna go out on a limb here and say… I .. don’t .. think .. so ..

Always, always have a plan B…and a plan C…and in most cases a plan D.  Everyone knows that even the best plans never last past the first gun shot.

And speaking of plans, that’s all I have for today.  Time for me to call it a night.  Until we meet again tomorrow. 

Let’s hear from you guys.  But in the meantime, stay safe, stay home, wash your hands, stay calm!

My love to you all… oh wait!

Let’s check stars for Today!

Today, which was Wednesday’s post was 13 stars.
Tuesday’s episode is up to 18 stars.
Monday’s post which came out on Tuesday (damn, I’m getting confused is up to 16 stars)

Okay, so the record is 18 stars.  We can beat that!

Anyway… until we meet again, which should be tomorrow, if I can set this thing up to post correctly this time…

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

Good Morning Campers,

Crap!  It’s April Fool’s Day!  Today!  But, you won’t get this till tomorrow!  Which means it will be over!  Damn!  I don’t imagine many of you are in THAT kind of a joking mood anyway, so….until next year then I guess.

Unless of course something occurs to me.

Hee, Hee, Hee.

Anyway, let’s talk about the elephant in the room. (As opposed to talking about the dragon in the room, then we’d be talking about me and we do that all the time)

President Trump announced yesterday that we could see between 100,000 and 240,000 deaths over the next few weeks.  And that is scary.  The CDC says that as many as a fourth of those who have the virus could be walking around spreading it and not showing any symptoms.  Please, please stay at home and stay safe!  If nobody breathes on you, you can’t get the virus.  Now, I know you can’t completely lock yourself away, some of you still have to go out there and work and most of you still have to go out there and get groceries and stuff, but it’s also a percentage thing.  Limit your exposure.  The less you are out the less chance you have of catching this thing.  The further you stay away from people the less chance you have of catching it.  And the more often you wash your hands, the more often you have of killing something you may have accidentally caught.

That’s the long and the short of it.

So ………… for those of us who have been:

Yeah, it’s an exciting time we live in! 

I want to take a moment, to thank William E. for the very generous donation to DragonLaffs!  Thank you!  It is deeply appreciated!  You have brought tears to my eyes.  It will be well needed.  Thank you!

Yup, that was an oldie, adapted from a previous emergency…but it’s still funny!

Just imagine what happens when the internet goes out…oh, never mind.  I witnessed that for a short time over the weekend…and it was ugly!  That’s ugly with a capital UG!

Another crazy day at work and it’s still early!  But, man…if nothing else, it’s exciting.  Getting all kinds of phone calls and text messages and emails … great fun!

Yes…for those of you just tuning in, my idea of fun is a bit skewed.

How about some mail?

Really like that gif for mail. LOL!

Here’s one from mom!  Seems like this is the way we’re going to keep in touch, so you guys get to share, I guess.

Diaman M

Good one…hope all is well with you. I’m doing good.

Mom

Thanks Mom!  Love hearing from you, and yup, I’m doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.  We are all healthy and safe and that is the BEST that we can be.  Love you lots!

SMSgt Chuck G

I’m North of a little town called Albany which is North of New Orleans. We’re on 12 1/2 acres and surrounded on three sides by paper mill land. We’re the last house on the road so if you show up in our drive you’re one of three things; intentionally there to see us, woefully lost, or up to no damm good. That being said, I also have my own shooting range just across from the end of my driveway.

Okay, thanks Chuck!  So, there you have it.  If you show up at Chuck’s house and you don’t want to be part of his shooting range, you better be there to visit or be hopelessly lost! 

And, our daily letter from Leah D.

Leah D.

Our neighbors in Idaho apparently got jealous, and held their own earthquake.
I keep watch on what is happening in Yellowstone . . . can you imagine if it went off now?
After close to 700 aftershocks in our area quit, I find I am missing that vibrating of my chair!

Yeah, I’ve been getting messages over my super secret Emergency Manager underground network and they’ve been telling me that Idaho has been getting rocked lately.  Any Idaho readers out there?  You guys doing okay?

Trish G

I’m in South Carolina about 5 miles from Augusta Ga. I love your stuff. Learned the hard way not to drink anything while reading it. LOL Stay Safe and Thank you for your service.

Yup, drinking while reading DragonLaffs can be dangerous, as many have found out.  Thanks for your very kind words Trish!

Donald G

Just leaving a quick note of appreciation for what you do, ID. I’m sad that you have to work extra hard during this challenging time, but happy that I get extra issues of your great e-zine. (True confession time–I often steal stuff to post to my FB page).

I’m just an old retired fart living just outside of Rochester, NY and I try to find humor in everything. It’s easy with your posts.

Donnie

Thanks Donnie!  Yeah, but you know what?  It’s a damn good thing I love my job!  Both of them.  The one I do for the Government and the one I do here.  And it’s fine that you steal stuff for your Facebook page, cause I’m relatively sure that everything that I post is stolen from somewhere else.  As a matter of fact, I’ll go out on a limb here and say that unless it’s written in blue, it’s someone else’s.  LOL! 

And I’ll tell all you guys something else.  Everyone who writes to me and tells me where you live, I’ve gotten ahold of a map and I’m putting a dot and a name on it and as it fills up at some point in time I’ll publish it so you all can see it!

My personal Wi-Fi has been going in and out all day, which is awful nice.  Makes it super easy to get work done.  I had an hour long teleconference that I have to make notes on and Mrs. Dragon is making some of her homemade chili which is filling the house up with this great smell, so I’m just full of distractions this afternoon!!

Maggie

Impish,sir,
I regret that you must be quarantined, but love having the extra issues. I am retired and live in New Jersey.I hope that you and your family stay safe and well.
Maggie

Hey Jersey Girl!  (You know, there ain’t nuthin’ better than a Jersey Girl!) I’m not really quarantined … I’m teleworking … the difference being that on quarantine you HAVE to stay at home and work and on teleworking you GET to stay at home and work but you can leave if you want to.  This is social distancing taken to it’s proper extreme.  Everyone who CAN telework SHOULD telework.  I just took my office from work and set it up at home.  It looks like this:
I think I showed it to you guys on the first day.  Now, I’ve added a couple of things to it since then, but basically… that’s it.  If they need me to come to work for whatever reason, I can be there in 15 minutes instead of 5. 

And yup, we are all safe and well, thanks for askin’.

No kidding!

And here’s another one for you:

Isn’t it weird that people living from paycheck to paycheck are expected to have months worth of savings for emergencies while billion dollar corporations are so poorly managed they’re on the brink of bankruptcy after a week of reduced profits?

Everyone please be careful tonight, there is a DUI checkpoint on the corner of hallway and kitchen …
Be Safe!

Nothing should go back to normal.

Normal wasn’t working.

If we go back to the way things were we will have lost the lesson.

May we rise up and do better!

Amen!  Surely there is something you know that your kids don’t know.  There is some skill you have that your kids don’t have.  I know some of you may have to think hard on this one.  I know you’re going to have to bypass a couple of those skillsets that you have, like being able to shotgun a beer, and drink more tequila shots than anyone else you know, but other than those skills, there’s got to be something!

Okay my friends, just got a tweet from President Trump that says “Iran or its proxies are planning a sneak attack on US troops or assets in Iraq” and he says that, Iran “will pay a very heavy price.” So, I guess I got some more work to do tonight.  LOL!  I’m sure a lot of you have already seen this on the news or other sources since you are reading this tomorrow.  It ought to be an interesting evening.

And with that, I’m outta here for another day. 

Please remember to give me some stars…. oh wait, let’s look and see how many there are today…there were … what?  13 yesterday if I remember correctly, today there are…15!  And I went and checked yesterday and now there are 16!  Wow!  But there are almost 500 of you readers out there!  Surely some of you aren’t trying!

Okay, I’m not going to SHAME you into giving me stars….

And remember, you can send me jokes and cartoons at impishdragon@gmail.com I shamelessly plagiarize stuff, so no worries.  You can leave a comment by clicking on the comment thingy at the end, and you can send a donation like William E did and get thanked profusely! (Damn! That was so unexpected and so GREAT!  Thank you so much!)  Anyway, that’s it for today…until we meet again, we remain…..

and remember to …

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Day 7 of my teleworking and it’s getting easier to do this job from the comfort of my dining room.  I haven’t shaved since this whole thing started.  I decided to grow a teleworking beard.  Yeah.  It’s not a great look for me.  I look more like a gray porcupine.  And it itches!!!!!  I think I’ll give it another week, but … I don’t know.

Busy, bad day yesterday.  We had our first military death from the Coronavirus yesterday.  A New Jersey National Guardsman passed away.  Captain Douglas Linn Hickok, a drilling guardsman and physician’s assistant.  He deserves our praise and thanks.  God Bless you and your family, sir.

It’s already been a busy morning with emails and phone calls and I haven’t even finished my first cup of coffee.  Don’t these people realize I can’t get ANYTHING done without being properly caffeinated!  This could be disastrous!  These people have no idea what they are messing with!  Oh, by the way, the coffee cup to the left is the caffeine molecule and yes, I’m just nerdy enough to own that coffee cup.  LOL!

So, anyway, perhaps it is time to get some laughs in, since it seems it’s going to be one of those days… so without further ado, let’s laugh!

        

Looks like decent parenting to me.  Wow, it’s already late into the afternoon and I’ve been so busy I’ve gotten like nothing done on dragonlaffs today!  What the heck!  Looks like I may be working late into the evening to let you guys know what’s been going on!  Not only that, but I’m still a little behind in my real work…but, the day still has some daylight left, Izzy Dragon is upstairs laughing at something, which really kind of bothers me, I swear she is plotting the takeover of something, and Mrs. Dragon is in the living room watching her murder mystery shows, which really ought to bother me, too.  I think she may be plotting something, too.  Just sayin’

Oh, how sweet!  He went to Jareds!

That’s ME!  I want to be “Exiled for the good of the realm!”

Here’s one from Scott H.  and I have to say, that I clicked on the link and it’s a great one!

Scott H

My wife laughed out loud at “teachers not the problem”. Keep up the good work.
For your listening pleasure a little fun with “Quarantine” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3xpRZITi2w

Thanks Scott!  And thanks for writing, thanks for reading and thanks for the great link!  Glad you’re enjoying the show!

Peter

Love Dragon Laffs !!!!! I’m in Deception Bay, a small village just north of Brisbane, Queensland, Australia. Keep the laffs coming. Regards, Peter.

Thanks Peter!  A reader from down under!  Wow!  That’s awesome, brother!  So glad you are enjoying what I’m sending out.  Tell me, what’s it like down there?  According to the trusty John Hopkins Map, you have over 4500 cases, but only 18 deaths.  You guys are doing really well.  Today, in Indiana alone, we have 2159 cases and 49 deaths.

How about readers from other places around the world?  There we have Deception Bay, Queensland, Australia!  Cool name, by the way!  Anybody else from anywhere else?  I’ve already said I’m from NJ originally and in Indiana currently.  We know that Leah is in Utah and Buddy Tom is in Oregon.  Stephanie I know is down south near New Orleans, Dear Diaman, my adopted mom is now in Connecticut although she is mostly from California, but originally from Mass. 

So, how about the rest of you?

And it wouldn’t be a day without a comment from our dear Leah

Leah D

From you: “My heart is hurting and my emotions are raw,”
Sounds to me, very much like what the medical respondents are saying.
I have a feeling, whereas they are able to tell of the horrors, you aren’t.
That would make for a terrible burden.
So sorry you have to carry such a heavy load.

Oh no my dear Leah!  You and all the others make my burden light!  Yes, I have burdens to carry, as do we all, but our burdens get lighter when they are shared amongst others.  And that is what we are doing here.  Sharing burdens.  Helping each other.  Supporting each other and getting us all through the dark and lonely night.  We will all be there for each other. 

And smile.

And share.

And laugh!

And fuck that Coronavirus!

 

So…. not as much of me as in days past, but that’s how it goes some days.  I had a very busy day today with even a trip out to the base thrown in.  Maybe tomorrow will be easier, maybe it will be harder, but it will definitely be tomorrow.  And I will be here to share it with you.

I can’t wait to hear from you.  You can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment here on the blog.  How about being a pal and leaving a star for me.  Today we got 13.  Let’s try and beat that for tomorrow.

Cheers my dear friends.  My love is with you until tomorrow.

Impish Dragon