Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

So, the days are beginning to blend into one another.  I took Izzy out this morning (Sunday) on a bit of a shopping spree… no, spree is not the right word.  Shopping “spree” insinuates fun…this was nothing like that.  We hit 5 stores in two hours, EARLY.  Got there right after the first one opened and timed them to hit them as they opened if possible.  Got in, got what we needed, no lolly-gagging, got out.  The shelves were full (for the most part) found everything on our list (eventually) and it was a highly successful mission.  My theory was that Sunday morning would be the best because even though Church goers wouldn’t be going to church, they would still be at home watching on line.  And the other people wouldn’t bother getting up that early.  And I was mostly correct.  We had most of the stores to ourselves.  It was a highly successful raid.

The one item we had the most trouble acquiring?  You are never going to believe this.  Didn’t get it till our third stop and then we got the last three on the shelf.  I only had two on the list, but when you see a shortage and you know you going to need it in the future, you take advantage of what’s in front of you…

I know, right?  Now, I’m not a grandma, but isn’t it the Cream of Mushroom that is used in all the casseroles?  And you know what?  There was a crap load of that!  You could have built a house of cans out of the cans of Cream of Mushroom Soup!  But, Cream of Chicken?  Nope, I got the last 3.  And I was just following orders.  Mrs. Dragon says bring home 2 cans of Cream of Chicken Soup, I bring home 2 cans of Cream of Chicken Soup.  She makes out VERY specific lists.  I can add to… but never, EVER subtract from…
And if I understand things correctly, it’s for a NEW recipe…you think I’m gonna be responsible for screwing THAT up.  Ain’t no way!

Well, enough about my adventures this morning.  What do you say we get some laughter in, huh?

The most gullible chemical element is easily lead.

So is macaroni and cheese “mac” because it’s short for macaroni … or is it because “mac” is an acronym for macaroni and cheese?

A new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.  I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Bill was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

The doc checked the man’s blood pressure and other vitals. Then after a thorough examination the doctor said he wanted to check with Bill’s wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed. He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough. Finally he said, “Ok, good. You can get dressed now, and I will go talk to your husband”

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband, “Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you.  I couldn’t get an erection either.

Stephanie got stuck in the International Foods Aisle … or website … or something… and she has a really sick sense of humor!

Stephanie, you are one sick pussy cat!

Thanks to John S for…

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Lincoln, Nebraska where Bozo Clint Mangess tried to shoplift some shoes from an athletic shoe store. He grabbed the shoes and ran. When the clerk and the assistant manager took off after him, it soon became obvious that Clint had picked the wrong store to rob. He didn’t have a chance of escaping with these guys after him: the assistant manager is the captain of the University of Nebraska’s track team and the clerk is an Olympic class marathoner.

Yeah, probably not the best store to rob you moron

Awesome reference for you older hipsters……

If you’re down by the school yard, steer clear of Rosie.  She’s the queen of Corona!

And I can almost FEEL the blank stares!!!

Most useless purchase of 2019: A 2020 planner.

That is pretty fucking confident!

I want to share this with you in all seriousness.  This goes along with something my lovely wife has been saying, lately.  We’ve been watching TV at night and keeping seeing all these TV stars and the local Indiana News Anchors and weather people and sports figures and such saying things like, “We’re all in this together” and “We’ll all make it together” and stuff like that.  And she keeps saying, “No we’re not! She and I both have so many friends and family members who are struggling through this.  And we’re not doing badly, but these idiots on TV saying “We’re all in this together” and then go home to their milti-million dollar homes being waited on hand and foot, not missing out on anything or worried about anything, how the fuck are they in this together with any of us?  And then I got this from Leah, and it goes a long way to explaining what I’m trying to say:

WE ARE NOT IN THE SAME BOAT …
I heard that we are all in the same boat, but it’s not like that. We are in the same storm, but not in the same boat. Your ship could be shipwrecked and mine might not be. Or vice versa.

For some, quarantine is optimal. A moment of reflection, of re-connection, easy in flip flops, with a cocktail or coffee. For others, this is a desperate financial & family crisis.

For some that live alone they’re facing endless loneliness. While for others it is peace, rest & time with their mother, father, sons & daughters.

With the $600 weekly increase in unemployment some are bringing in more money to their households than they were when they were working. Others are working more hours for less money due to pay cuts or loss in sales.

Some families of 4 just received $3400 from the stimulus while other families of 4 saw $0.

Some were concerned about getting a certain candy for Easter while others were concerned if there would be enough bread, milk and eggs for the weekend.

Some want to go back to work because they don’t qualify for unemployment and are running out of money. Others want to kill those who break the quarantine.

Some are home spending 2-3 hours/day helping their child with online schooling while others are spending 2-3 hours/day to educate their children on top of a 10-12 hour workday.

Some have experienced the near death of the virus, some have already lost someone from it and some are not sure if their loved ones are going to make it. Others don’t believe this is a big deal.

Some have faith in God and expect miracles during this 2020. Others say the worst is yet to come.

So, friends, we are not in the same boat. We are going through a time when our perceptions and needs are completely different.

Each of us will emerge, in our own way, from this storm. It is very important to see beyond what is seen at first glance. Not just looking, actually seeing.

We are all on different ships during this storm experiencing a very different journey.

~ Unknown author

Some of us have harder paths to follow, harder storms to sail through , than others.  Don’t assume you have the worst of it.  (And don’t condescend to me from your mansion, either all you fucking politicians, Hollywood bullshit nobodies, and Oprah!)  Okay, I’m done.

The dung beetle walked into the bar and asked, “Is this stool taken?”.

That is fucking evil looking!!!!

And that’s it for today.  I need to get some chores done and can’t do that if I’m sitting behind this laptop.  So, until tomorrow.  You guys be well and enjoy yourselves.  Love to you all!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s a lazy Sunday morning…relaxing…TV watching … nothing to do.  I know, I’m actually writing this on Saturday, but I’m trying to get in the mood here.  LOL!  Got a message down of Friday, which was last night for me, that said that our government laptops had to be put on the government LAN lines every couple of weeks in order to get the updates needed, plus if the computers aren’t put on the LAN lines every 60 days, they will be disconnected and won’t work at all.  So, they have to be connected and left overnight when the updates are installed, so I figured, taking it in on Friday and leaving it go until Saturday or even (gasp!) Sunday would be the easiest thing to do.  But, right now it’s 9:45 Saturday morning and I’m getting e-mail messages on my government cell phone, that are “difficult” to read on a tiny cell phone screen, so the desire to run out to the base … on my day off, mind you … and pick up my laptop and get back to work are almost overwhelming.

It’s like yesterday.  I took 8 hours of vacation time that I was going to use if I didn’t use … and probably worked 4 hours anyway.  I’m too ate up, as we used to say.  LOL!

Nah!

I like my job.  And it’s not like I’m busting my ass right now, it’s like I told someone the other day, it’s like hours of boredom, punctuated with moments of pure insanity.  Most weekends I put in a couple of hours…and I usually take credit for those hours. 

I work what’s called a maxi-flex schedule, which basically means as long as I put in 80 hours in 2 weeks, I’m covered.  I can work around doctor’s appointments and not have to take vacation or sick time, but at the same time, when I have to work the weekends for the Reservists, I don’t get to claim overtime until the very end of the pay period and then ONLY if I can’t get the time off … which should be never.

So, overall, I’m comfortable thinking that I give more to the government and I don’t take advantage and if I need to run out to the store in the middle of the day, I can.  So, it works out really nice.  So yeah, I’ll probably take a break from sitting here with you guys and watching TV, to run out to the base today, on my day off, grab my laptop and put in a couple of free hours for Uncle Sam doing my job…but like I said…I happen to be one of the few who actually LIKE my job.

So, now that I’ve sat here and rambled about nothing for far too long…why don’t we do something else for a little while like … oh … I don’t know …

 

The first rule of teleconferencing goes for selfies… know your background!

 

Okay, let’s talk about something important, real quick…cause I’ve already gotten something very similar to this one personally…

Police department warns public to not click links in scam COVID-19 text messages

April 16, 2020 at 12:24 PM EDT – Updated April 17 at 5:50 PM

THOMASTON, Maine (Gray News) – A police department in Maine is alerting cell phone users of a text message scam involving COVID-19.

The Thomaston Police Department posted on its Facebook page a photo of a text message sent from an Indiana area code telling someone they need to self-isolate because they came in contact with someone with the virus.

Officers are asking the public to not click on the link if they get this text message, as it is not a message from an official agency.

Police warn this could be a phishing scam that attempts to get personal information from unsuspecting victims.

“The virus is not the only invisible enemy,” the department wrote in the Facebook post. “Be vigilant against all threats!”

The Better Business Bureau is also alerting people about text messages that claim to be from a governmental agency trying to get you to click a link to take an “online coronavirus test.” Consumer advocates say this is a way to get malware downloaded on your electronic devices.

No one official is going to send you a bloody text message, with a link in it, to tell you that you’ve been exposed to COVID-19.  Let’s go even further and say that no government agency is EVER going to send you a text message with a link in it.  EVER.  It’s a scare tactic.  You’ve got the virus!  I don’t think I do, but maybe I better click on this to be sure.  People are assholes.  They take advantage of situations like this to steal your money.  Ultimately that’s what it comes down to.  They get the information off your phone, get your passwords, take control, but ultimately, they want your money.  Because in the very broad sense, people are assholes.  It’s only in the very individual sense, like you guys, that people are any good.  People as individuals are good, people as a group, suck.

The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to return to a society where pants and bras are required.

Boy, ain’t that the friggin’ truth.

How many boxes of these Thin Mints do I have to eat before I start seeing results?

Person: What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

Me: Awfully bold of you to assume I’ve peaked.

Don’t let anyone tell you you’re worthless.

Your organs are expensive on the black market.

With South Africa in lockdown, the lions are taking it very easy

(CNN) — Whether it’s goats in Wales or wild boar in Italy, animals around the world appear to be adjusting well to life without humans during the coronavirus outbreak.

Even lions are enjoying the peace and quiet, a set of new photos from South Africa‘s Kruger National Park shows.

The images show a pride of lions lounging on a road, seemingly unperturbed by the presence of the photographer, park ranger Richard Sowry.

Read more here:    https://www.cnn.com/travel/article/lions-kruger-lockdown-scli-intl/index.html

A note from Mom:

Diaman M

Dear Dragon.

Day 25…I love it…just like the old days…

Dragon Laughs every day…how wonderful!!!

Diaman

Yup, it used to be that way….back in the olden days….don’t know how I found the time.  Not sure how I’m finding the time, now.  LOL!  But, it’s a labor of love.

They are talking about plans for opening the country back up again…leaving it up to the Governors of each state.  For the economy.  Talking about putting kids back in school and that we could expect about a 2 to 3% mortality rate and how that is “acceptable”.  (It’s acceptable to kill 2-3% of our kids?)  Okay, so there are 727 kids enrolled in our local High School.  And let’s take an average of 2 1/2% … so who gets to pick out which 18 kids get to die?
How is this acceptable?
To help our economy?
Our we really ready to start sacrificing our citizens to the almighty dollar?
And maybe I’m speaking from a position of power because I have a job and food and a safe place to live and all that and I know there are a bunch of people out there who don’t have that, but seriously?

You can count me in on that group

Okay, almost every woman I’ve spoken to about this calls bullshit!  That they would not get rid of this guy.

I’m not sure you’re getting the concept correct.

Talk about a litigious society!!!

She is the first one who needs to go.

You have no idea how many different pictures I’ve gotten of these bacon masks…and yeah…I’d use them.

That should really make you think.  Especially those of you who keep voting for those liars and thieves like Pelosi!!

And that should tell you everything you need to know about CNN.

And that’s all I have for today.  I never did go out to the base.  Guess I’m going out tomorrow.  I HAVE to go out tomorrow, cause I’ll need my computer for Monday.  Hope you have a wonderful day.

Love you all.

Until we meet again.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s Friday morning for me, and we didn’t get the snow that they threatened us with, but the good news is that our weather service is batting a thousand for this winter.  LOL!  I love those guys.  They help us out a lot and bend over backwards to do whatever they can for us, but as far as snow predictions go… they’ve missed the mark every time this year.

Not that it’s easy around here.  We have this thing called the Peru Wedge.  It’s like there’s this big wedge in the atmosphere right over our heads and as weather moves from west to east as it gets to us it splits and half of it goes north and half of it goes south.  Not that we don’t get hit, but it’s like we don’t get hit hard. 

Oh well….

I’ve got an online appointment with my doctor this morning so I have to go get pretty.  Seems silly.  It’s been over a year and in order for them to keep refilling my prescriptions, the doctor has to see me.  I swear it hasn’t been that long, but maybe it has.  Maybe I have seen her, but for Mrs. Dragon and Izzy Dragon.  Anyway, so I called the office the other day when the pharmacy said that they couldn’t refill one of my scripts and they said I needed to make an appointment and they said we could do it over the phone.  Having just done it the week or so before with Izzy I thought, okay.  So, I need to go shave, put on a nice shirt, make sure my boxer shorts can’t be seen… you know, the usual stuff for a doctor’s appointment.

Now you guys go on.  Find something else to laugh at while I get ready.

Quarantine has turned us all into dogs.  We roam the house all day looking for food.  We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers.  And we get really excited about car rides.

It’s SUPPOSED to be Spring!!!

If we are going to let a bat shit crazy drunkard who’s always saying random things be Speaker of the House, can we at least give the job to Ron White?

Okay, that was too easy.

Commercials in 2030 will be like: Were you or someone you know exposed to hand sanitizer, Lysol, or bleach during the 2020 Coronavirus pandemic?  If so, you may be eligible for compensation.

I’m done with homeschooling.  We are switching to trade schooling.  Both of mine are going to be bartenders.

I have questions…

I’ll tell you what’s wrong with society…No one drinks from the skulls of their enemies anymore.

Why wasn’t this world wide news…

I got this really cool picture and email from Tom J.

Our family published a Family Cook Book in the late 1970’s and one of my great aunts found this menu from the Palace Cafe and put it in the center of the book. I don’t know the year but it was WAY back when. The cafe had to be somewhere in North Dakota. Imagine, grilled salmon steak with lemon butter complete with potato, salad, vegetable, and pie or ice cream with a beverage and all for .45 cents! I want to go there but I guess it’s probably closed.

Tom

What an amazing piece of history, Tom!  And very well preserved.  And doing a Google search shows about a gazillion Palace Cafes!  One in Indiana dates back to 1852!  So, good luck ever trying to figure out where it came from.  But, wow!  What a piece of history.  Thank you so very much for sharing it with us. 

When Lord Nelson died he was 5 feet tall.  His statue in London is 15 feet tall.  That’s Horatio of 3:1.

If a red head works at a bakery, does that make him a ginger bread man?

How do you tell the sex of an Ant?
Drop it in water…
If it sinks: Girl Ant.
If it floats…

Just for fun, after 30 days, everybody post a pic of your moustache.

Get your husband to join in, too.

And the younger crowd out there is going, “I don’t get it.” But you got the one with the missing soda, didn’t you!!!!

Never in my whole life would I imagine my hands would consume more alcohol than my mouth!!

Putting a drink in each room of my house today and calling it a Pub crawl

CORONA VIRUS

1. 6 Feet Distance
2. No Hugging
3. No Kissing
4. No Social Interaction

*Like being married … but with a cough!

That’s sad and wrong and the same time…

Mexico is now asking Trump to hurry up with the wall.

Biblical Irony: Passover Seder my be delayed by a plague.

A possible explanation as to why the vaccine has taken so long?*

*And before I start getting e-mails telling me, I KNOW it takes years to properly develop a vaccine.  It was a joke, people.

Due to my isolation I finished 3 books yesterday.  And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.

If you thought toilet paper was crazy…just wait until 300 million people all want a haircut appointment.

That’s funny, we just got a message down the other day saying the Air Force was relaxing it’s hair cut standards for now, until the crisis was over.  Can you imagine the lines at the barber … at least on active duty bases … when this thing is over? 

I need to make up one of these signs….except some of this stuff would be allowed at Dragon Laffs.  Not the rape or kidnapping … but then again … kidnapping of who?  There are some political leaders around the world who … never mind.  I should watch what I say in public, then that whole “premeditated” word gets thrown around.  But rollerblading? Driving a double decker bus?  Sure!  Bring it on through!  We’ll make room!  Fox hunting?  We’re always on the hunt for foxes around here! (Notice the double entendre I used there?)  And smoking?  I’m always up for a good cigar!  Yeah, gotta make me a sign…

Okay, this next one is WAY COOL!!!!!!!!!!!  Thanks to John S. for sending it in!

Artist Phil Shaw tells ‘the story so far’ in an ongoing series he calls ‘Shelf Isolation‘. 

For those that might have difficulty reading the book titles in the image I have transcribed it below:

The English patient had caught it on the beach. I should have stayed at home she said. Now she was in quarantine in the dark house of splendid isolation.
Still, hope springs eternal. With a little bit of luck, common sense, and personal hygiene, the Corona book of horror stories must end soon. Always remember clean hands save lives, and when in doubt, don’t go out!

Is that not awesome!!!!  Thanks John and thanks to Phil Shaw!

What a great come back!

The drop in gas prices during the lockdown is like a bald man winning a hairbrush.

I always had that problem as a kid

In 20 years Walmart employees gonna be like, “I fought for this country.”

Everybody’s gotta make accommodations.

I asked God, “Why are you taking me through troubled water?”
He replied, “Because your enemies can’t swim.”

Any of you who have ever taken a sleep study, and I’ve had quite a few, know that’s exactly what it’s like!!!!

Let’s do some of these…

Stephanie C

We do have so much to be thankful for. Many, many times God warned us that He will punish us if we don’t straighten up. I’m thankful that He used another plague instead of allowing us to get to atomic was a few decades back.

We did get close to that mushroom cloud a few decades ago … and truth be told, we’re never that far from it now … so many things to worry about.  It’s job security for me, I suppose, but don’t let it keep you up at night, remember, your teenagers are probably out smoking pot and having sex…now there’s something to keep you up at night.

Leah D.

Coffee and Dragon Laffs, makes it worth getting up in the morning!
We have had over 1,000 aftershocks since our March 18, 5.7 earthquake.
We now have a crack in the cement floor of our storage room, and it keeps widening and growing longer
Much like the reality gap between virus testing and when we can safely stop hibernating.

Oh dear…more things to worry about, you people aren’t helping at all today!  Glad you are enjoying your daily dose of Dragon Laffs, but I wish your ground would stop shaking out there in Utah!  Our numbers here in Indiana didn’t drop again today.  Still climbing and still not leveling out.  And now the president and all the Governors are talking about ways of opening the country back up again…I’m thinking it’s too soon.

Cynical John

Just remember, the weather’s being run by the National Weather Service, a federal agency, and like just about any other agency of the damyankeefedralgummint, they screw it up. Being a true southerner, there’s no ill that I cannot lay at the feet of the damyankeefedralgummint. Stay safe and warm up there in the snow.

Thanks Cynical John … you just pretty much proved my point…and added more fuel to the fire…lol!  Although I work for a branch of the damyankeefedralgummint, there is some truth to what you are sayin’.  I still say the best way to solve most of the damn problems is to not allow those in congress and senate to stay there forever.  Term limits.

Now THERE’S a lovely conundrum!

He’s on his back porch…

Three weeks of homeschooling my 7, 9, and 12 year olds went surprisingly well!  They have all graduated High School and are now ready to move out and get jobs as soon as the quarantine is over!

Isn’t that the way it always works?

I didn’t even know Grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house!

Well, hell…guess I’m guilty, too!!

Thank God my wife has multiple personalities, I’m quarantined with someone different every day.

I know, right!

Returned from the grocery store with hubby.  Took masks off.  It turned out it was the wrong hubby!  Be attentive!

The youngsters and even some of the older ones won’t get this one.

There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to sooth the soul.  Even if it’s cold…over ice … With a celery stalk … And Vodka…

Some doctors already have practice.

I think my dogs are almost to this point…

And I think with that image, we’ll call it a day.  I hope I was able to give you guys a couple of chuckles for today.  Stay inside, stay safe, stay healthy. 

Until tomorrow. 

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Let’s talk a little bit about being safe.  The weekend is coming.  I know you guys want to go out and have fun, but now is not the time to give up.  Now is not the time to leave your house.  Most states are still on the rise.  I know, here in Indiana things are still not flattening out.  I had hoped by now we would have reached a peak, but we haven’t.  I suspect we still have another two weeks of climbing to do before we peak and that scares the hell out of me…and it ought to scare the hell out of you, too.

I do this for a living folks, so when I tell you to stay in the house and stay safe, I mean it.  Stay in the house, stay safe, only go out when you absolutely have to.  Wear a mask, wash your hands, wear gloves if you can, take as many precautions as you can.  Especially if you are in the danger zone.  If you are over 60, have any kind of preexisting condition like diabetes, heart condition, asthma, COPD, high blood pressure, anything at all.  This bastard virus is a killer!  It doesn’t give a damn how good a person you are, who you are, it only needs one excuse to get in and get you.  So, don’t give it that excuse.

STAY HOME and STAY SAFE!

When you’re tempted to go out, remember this face.

This image represents thousands of us in the NHS and Social Care sector so please don’t ignore us!

This is the face of an ICU nurse.

This is the face of working 65 hours over the last 6 days.

This is the face of reality.

This is the face going through hell.

This is the face full of pressure damage from wearing PPE for almost 13 hours a day.

This is the face of someone who fears for her own health and all her colleagues, past and present.

This is the face of someone putting their life on the line for your families.

This is the face of someone who hasn’t seen their own family for nearly a month.

This is the face of someone who holds your dying family members hand, so they’re never alone.

This is the face of someone who is exhausted, but will continue to fight Covid-19.

This is the face of someone who will carry on, no matter what.

This is the face of someone who is proud to stand on the frontline with all key workers.

This is the face of someone who wants lock down to end.

This is the face that is begging you, to NOT go out this weekend.

Protect us as a society, protect the NHS, Social Care and all Key Workers and help us save lives

or if you prefer the original Latin

Be proud to be exiled.  Be one of the ones who are still standing when this is all over.  I want every single Dragon Laffs Reader to be a survivor!  That is my fervent prayer!

Now, let’s find something to laugh about…

My neighbor just got arrested for growing weed.  I guess my property line isn’t where I thought it was.

“My mom always told me I wouldn’t accomplish anything by lying in bed all day.  But, look at me now, I’m saving the world!”

I heard that California issued a “Stay at home” order ….Idaho has been suggesting this for years…

The buttons on my jeans have started social distancing from each other.

I couldn’t sleep, so I got started early this morning and got an early morning comment from Brenda C. in Ohio

boopluver

Another great one..sorry about mother nature…you know it is not nice to fool mother nature..here in Ohio we have been having back to back freeze warnings…I just cannot figure out instead of saying freeze warning tonight just say freeze warning Monday, Tuesday,& Wednesday, but on Thursday it will be frost warning..just keep the snow I will take the cold with no snow.. Well keep up the laughs…it keeps me from going insane….and I do not break out singing they’re coming to take me away…greetings from Riley and I

Thanks Brenda.  Yeah, you can’t fool Mother Nature, but she’s a little stricter on me than she probably is on others, see, she’s my God Mother.  Her and my mom went to school together and … well … you know how it is.  Anyway, she keeps an eye on me.  She has lots of friends, one of which is Mrs. Claus (who’s a bit of a grouch and won’t let Santa get away with anything) and one thing led to another and … well … snow in April.

Anyway, I’m glad you like the fun, I think I’m gonna be sad when things go back to normal and I won’t have the time to spend on this like I do now.

Okay, I just got a warning from the National Weather Service, while you are reading this I could be getting 3 to 4 inches of snow!!!!!!  What the ever-lovin’ Hell!!!  Okay, I’m ready for this whole Global Warming bullshit to kick in!

Day 20 of isolation and it’s like damn Vegas in my house.  We’re losing money by the minute, cocktails are acceptable at any hour, and nobody knows what time it is!

Toilet Paper Hoarding Explained:

Some people will be eating their own cooking for the first time in years.

(Gasp!)

Ladies, time to start dating us older dudes, we can get you in the grocery store early!

(SCREAM!)

Y’all are about to find out why your Great Grandmother washed her aluminum foil and saved her bacon grease.

Another comment has come in…

A. Sasquatch

Sorry about the snow. I blame it on Governor Whitmer. She shut down all of the garden centers in Michigan so we couldn’t plant Easter flowers for Mother Nature and she got a bit miffed. There was quite a dust up about it in Lansing yesterday. I forget, is this one that we are supposed to sacrifice virgins for? Maybe that’s why you got the new volcano.

Hey Yeti, how are you?  Long time, brother.  So, Governor Whitmer’s fault.  I can get behind that.  So, she wouldn’t let you guys plant Easter flowers and that may very well have pissed off Mother Nature, she does indeed love her flowers.  And as to sacrificing virgins…I might have a problem finding any of them around here….but it might very well help.  Any volunteers out there willing to help out?

Let’s do some of these next…

Okay, it wouldn’t be a day without a message from Leah…

Leah D

A little background…I get messages from across the country on things that interest Emergency Managers and I got one that said there was a 4.2 quake at Magna, Utah and I wrote to Leah and asked if it was near her and she said yes, they were getting shocks and after shocks all the time.  I’m not sure if I’d rather worry about tornadoes that you can see coming or earthquakes that come out of nowhere…anyway, this is a follow up to that previous conversation.

This morning, my daughter was at Smiths when they opened because she found out when food gets delivered to them. She took my over the phone order for items I have been unable to find online.
She didn’t feel the 4 point something or other, quake we had, she was driving. We have been under siege of construction for so long, a bumpy ride is normal, easy to disguise an earthquake.
She sent me a text message that my groceries were on the doorstep. and, she says, “I found two bottles of alcohol, and put them in the sack.”
I thought that was strange, since I have plenty of rubbing alcohol, been passing it out to family. Then I find 2 BOTTLES OF BAILEYS IRISH CREME! Quake? We had a quake?

Okay, a 4.2 might be a “minor” earthquake to some, but to not even notice?  Wow!  But, a nice surprise to find some Bailey’s instead of rubbing alcohol!  You’ve got a sweet daughter, there Leah!

Man, must be pretty bad if you only lasted until day 4!

I feel like I should put that up on my header somewhere!  Just sayin’!

I’m sorry…maybe I’m really bad…but I laughed for a good three minutes…till tears rolled down my cheeks … when I saw this one.  Mrs. Dragon thought I was going crazy.

I must be bad.

But of course…. and don’t forget… you were barefoot and it was friggin’ snowing!!!

In the Middle Ages orgies were celebrated when the plague was defeated.  Does anyone know if something is already planned?

No friggin’ way!

That is hilarious.

And that’s it for today.  It was a long day that started way too early.  Wish this one could’ve been a bit longer.  But, there’s always tomorrow.

Love you guys.

Stay home and stay safe.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…a beautiful day in the … like hell!  It’s the middle of April and it’s 28 friggin’ degrees outside!  What the hell happened to Spring!  Global Warming my big blue ASS!!!  It’s supposed to be warming up out there! 

It’s a damn conspiracy!  I have to bundle up in a coat and hat and gloves and scarf and … do you know how friggin’ silly a dragon looks in a hat and scarf? … just to pop out back and enjoy an early evening cigar and Jameson!  IT’S NOT RIGHT I TELL YOU!!!!

MOTHER NATURE!  YOU AND I NEED TO HAVE WORDS!

Yes, dear, you wanted to talk?

(Oh Shit!) Um… nothing, Ma’am.  Never…never mind…

Let’s laugh!  Quick!

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

 

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

 

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

 

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”

 

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “IS THAT YOU LORD?”

 

The voice replied, “No, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK.”

Home invasions should probably decline.  Everyone is home with guns and enough bleach and paper towels to clean up the scene.

Anyone else planning on telling their child that the Elf on the Shelf didn’t survive the Coronavirus?  Just me?  Ok.

Home Schooling Day 12

We’re all gonna be so bored by the end of this that we’ll all know how to fold a fitted sheet.

FACT: In 4 weeks 88% of blondes will disappear from the face of the earth.

We thought we’d have flying cars by 2020, but no!

We’re teaching people how to wash their hands.

I apologize for these puns, but you can blame them on Brenda…

1. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine .

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Okay, so some of them weren’t bad Brenda…but some of them…. oh dear!  LOL! In all honesty, thank you so much for your contribution and thank you all for all of your contributions, I wish it were possible to thank each and everyone of you individually, but the way that I save posts and pictures for use, it’s just not possible, but when I can, I will.  But, know, that I KNOW who you are and that all of you are deeply appreciated and loved for taking the time and making the effort to be a part of the team.

Umm… pass, thanks!

I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know!

And I thought the damn Testicle Festival was bad!

I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Two of my friends have never met each other.  Before they spoke, I told both of them that the other is a bit deaf.  They shouted at each other for a few minutes before they realized that I’m a bit of a jerk.

Amen, brother!

You only need two tools in life … WD-40 and duct tape.  If it doesn’t move and it should, use the WD-40…if it moves and it shouldn’t use the duct tape.

If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.

Some people are like slinkies…not really good for anything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

Oh damn!  I must’ve really pissed her off this morning…crap!  I might need to go into hiding.  Okay, okay.  I’ve got my emergency bugout bag packed.  The gear is ready to go, I’ve got the emergency cave in a non-disclosed location…I can go back down and check on Peter in … oh best not to mention the location although Santa can’t be involved this time…why am I panicking, you ask?!?!

Because it’s bloody well snowing outside!  And it’s the middle of APRIL!  I must’ve really pissed off the old battle axe mother nature!

Impish, dear?

Yes, ma…ma’am?

Impish, dear, did I hear you say something about going down to see Peter in Australia again? 

(Oh shit, the snow has gotten harder and the wind has picked up)  I was just considering it …. um …. ma’am… um … Mother … um … Nature…. M’Lady.

Now, Impish dear, you know how that annoyed Mrs. Claus the other day when you and the boys went down there and you know what good friends her and I are…

(Holy crap!  I’ve never seen a volcano spring out of nowhere in my backyard before!)

Now, don’t you think it would be better if you just stayed right WHERE YOU ARE LIKE A GOOD LITTLE DRAGON!

(eek!) Yyyeeesss ma ma ma ma’am!

Good, now go on back to what you were doing, enjoy the snow, and I’ll make you some oatmeal raisin cookies.  I know those are your favorites.

(Thud!)

…
…
…

Is she gone?

…
…
…

You guys go back to the laughs…I need to go bury a volcano before it erupts.

Dear Gawd, why would you wear something like that?

So, I was going to tell you guys about the trip down to see Peter in Deception Bay, but I guess Santa got in trouble with Mrs. Claus for going down there, who knew he had so many girl friends down there!  But, now I guess there’s a gag order on the whole trip.  I suppose Peter can tell you about it, but I can’t so….

Just saw the neighbor getting his snow blower out of the garage…

Nope, I’m not gonna

Here’s some mail from Leah

Leah D.

I actually like this ‘order and wait’ grocery shopping. Then thought of items I should have ordered. This morning I found I can keep adding to my order up to the night before I pick it up on Tuesday, April 21.
Wish I could correct my husbands To Do list as easily.

So, around 9 pm last night, we had a 4.2 hit us. Seems it is an aftershock, not of the 5.7 that hit us, but of a “mini” quake we had a few days ago. That makes me nervous when the aftershocks are bigger than the original “mini quake” located by Saltair, on the edge of the Great Salt Lake.
It’s good to have a bigger worry than the virus.

Okay, so many things are wrong with this message, Leah.  First, your poor husband.  Give the poor guy a break.  It’s bad enough you have a Honey Do list for him, but to want it computerized so you can continually update it on the fly is just too much.  Write it out on a piece of paper so he can lose it like an other self respecting husband.

Secondly, being happy for an earthquake so you can forget about the virus…dear, we need to get you a break.  I’d send Santa round yours for a little pick me up, he is a ladies man, don’t you know, but he’s in a bit of dutch with his old lady at the moment and I just now got the snow to stop flying, so … I’m thinking … I’ve got an in with the tooth fairy.  He owes me a favor.  Now, he’s not as much “fun” as Santa, but if you put a couple of shots into him (he’s a Jameson’s guy, too) you’ll be surprised.

This one comes to us from John S.

A message of hope for these strange times.

1. There are no bombs raining on our heads.

2. I am not a prisoner held in solitary confinement, as millions are.

3. I am not a refugee trying to escape with my life.

4. I am not standing in line waiting to fill a pot of water.

5. I have access to fresh food and I’m not starving.

6. I have hot running water.

7. My country has not been ruined by years of war.

8. I can reach my friends by phone and check in on them.

9. My friends and family check in on me because they care about me.

10. Any whiplash I feel about this strange turn of events is itself a sign of privilege.

11. More than half of the world would gladly trade their everyday problems for the modest inconveniences I am experiencing.

12. I may have anxious dreams but I’m dreaming them on a proper bed and I’m not sleeping on the sidewalk.

13. By staying at home, I’m helping the planet rest.

14. As long as I have my mind I can create, imagine, dream and not be lonely.

15. This global crisis connects me to people around the world and reminds me of our common humanity. This is a good thing.

16. When something tragic happens to another country next time, I will respond to it with humility and recognition.

17. I will fight for positive changes and economically just policies in my own country.

18. I am surrounded by books.

19. I am surrounded by love.

20. The trees have already begun to bloom.

It is indeed worth sitting and thinking on…I am especially grateful for #18.

I don’t blame you, I would’ve had to have gotten up and changed the channel, too.

 

And thus ends another day for me.  I have my to do list cut out for me.  Placate Mother Nature, get ahold of The Tooth Fairy for Leah, and a bunch of other stuff.

You guys stay well, stay safe, stay home until we meet again.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon