Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Fair warning, this is the last issue you will have before the weekend.  While you are reading this, I will be out on the base dealing with a VIP visit.  That will pretty much occupy my day.  Even though he will only be in the area for about three hours, it has been tying up my whole week so far.  But, I will say, it is no where NEAR as bad as when Obama and Biden came to town a couple of years ago.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on with me this fine morning, what’s going on with you?

Well, why don’t we find out, while we laugh a little, share a little and have some fun with the day?

Let’s go!

“When the law doesn’t apply to the lawmakers you’re not being governed: you’re being ruled.”

So…. I received this yesterday from Stephanie…

Well, I’m in the Hospital This has not been a good morning.

 

After spending the last 4 weeks quarantined inside the house, Limited contact with anyone since mid March. Enough is Enough, so I decided to go Motorcycle riding, something I haven’t done in a long time. It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the motorcycle and started out slowly, or so I tried, but then it got crazy and went a little faster; and faster, before I knew it, we were going as fast as the that bike could go. I couldn’t take the pace and fell off, but caught my pants on the foot peg beside the crash bar. I was being dragging and bounced all over the place. The motorcycle just would not stop!

 

Thankfully the manager at Dollar General came running out and unplugged the machine. Then he actually had the nerve to take the rest of my quarters, so I wouldn’t try to ride the Fire Truck or Clown Car…

 

A few scrapes and bruises but nothing was broken. I will wear leather and a helmet next time. Well, the helmet was suggested by the doctor.. and I only have to stay in here for the mandatory 72 hours required by the mental health people….

 

Well, I have to tell a story on myself.  I got that email and the way my email is set up, I can see the first line of the email in the list of emails in my outlook.  So, I see that I have an email from Stephanie, and I look and see that it says, Well, I’m in the Hospital.  This has not been a good morning.  Now, Stephanie and I have been friends for many years and immediately my heart starts racing and I open the email and it’s the joke that you see above, so I write back to her, laughing and using some uncomplimentary words telling her that she scared me to death when I saw the email, figuring we’d both get a laugh out of it.  About ten minutes later I get a text message on my phone, and all it said was: if it was serious, I’d text

And that was it.  And I thought…Awww…Yeah….. I shoulda known better right from the friggin’ start.  Touched me right there.  You know. 

Sniff!

But it still damn near gave me a HEART ATTACK!!!

lol!

See, I had no problem staying home because I’m a homebody.  But now, since I’m being TOLD to stay home – I’d like to go out.

I went to Walmart today for cat treats, they were out of human food.  As I stood in line some lady made a smart ass remark to me for coming in the store just to buy cat treats.  I told the lady I had to fatten up my cats before I eat them because all you assholes are hoarding all the food.  Her little girl started crying.  I didn’t even feel bad.  Next time, mind your own business.

More from our CAT brother, James C… who has a very funny story to tell…. fair warning!  Put down your coffee first, before you start reading!!

The cartoon of the guy asking when its due, happened to me in reality. My buddies wedding, and I see his sister standing at the food trough, stuffing her face. I say, “I thought you were due a month ago!” She pauses, and turns to face me, and at that moment I see a kid, maybe 5 weeks old, sleeping in a baby carrier on the table beside her.

Yeah….that was uncomfortable. Hey, is it just me, or is it hot in here?

I thought things had cooled off, and I see she had posted on Facebook that she was pregnant again, and she had a photo of the ultrasound. “TWINS!” Was the caption.

I commented, “Congratulations! 2 kids from the same father!”

She Unfriended me. Was it something I said? Sheesh. No sense of haha.

I need to invest in plastic sheeting.

First, we hear alcohol may prevent the virus.

Then, we’re told possibly heat and humidity.

Now, they say that sunlight might quickly kill the virus.

So, if you drive by my house and I’m standing in the front yard, intoxicated and naked, just leave me alone.  I’m conducting important medical research!!

Him:  This is my ex-girlfriend, Lauren.

Her:  Stop introducing me like that.

Her:  I’m his wife.

My generation grew up looking for frogs and shit.

Your generation grew up looking for Wi-Fi connections

We are not the same.

I drink a ton of water.

Filtered water.

Filtered through coffee grinds.

…Coffee.  I drink a lot of coffee.

Amen!  Keep that in mind whenever you have a choice in where you shop!

This next one is an oldie, but goodie…

Why do supermarkets and drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why do banks leave the vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline, “Psychic Wins the Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors and attorneys call what they do “practice”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invest all your money called a “broker”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called “apartments” when they are all stuck together?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the “terminal”?

God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world….

….then he made the world round and laughed and laughed.

Aussie Peter sent us this great email…kind of a travel guide for our next trip down under to Deception Bay

When you come to Australia you need to know that there are lots of stuff here that is very dangerous.

We have deadly snakes, spiders, crocs and of course one of the deadliest ……..  DROP BEARS.

Don’t be lulled into a false sense of security when you see cute little bears

[  PHOTO ONE ]

 

 

because they can grow up to be  Drop Bears  as in photo  number TWO.

 

 

 

Photo number three is a sign near my house in Deception Bay

 

 

and photo number four shows the spray can that all Aussies carry with them.

 

 

 

Looking forward to you visit.   Keep smiling.

 

Peter.    

 

Thanks Peter!  Very useful indeed.  Definitely enough to keep the drongos busy.  Can’t wait until our next visit!

Cheers!

 

 

I was going through a box of old papers and found a social studies exam that I got 99% on.

The question I got wrong was….

“Where is women’s hair mostly curly?”

The right answer was Africa.

I was sent a very, very interesting video by Hank on lifting the stay at home orders and the closing of the businesses by two very respected doctors out in California.  Now, I’m not a doctor, but these guys make a lot of sense in opening the country back up.  They have given me an awful lot to think about.  Very long video, but well worth watching.  Quarantine the sick and the compromised, not the young and the healthy.  Everyone should watch…I’d love to know what you think: https://youtu.be/vJprwe_rWeM  Thank you Hank for sharing this with me.

Sometimes I agree with Suzie… a lot

Boy, ain’t that gonna be the truth!

Yes, and sometimes we don’t

A mother’s love is the only thing that keeps her from drowning you at birth.

And that’s it for me for today.  I’m calling it quits early since I have a lot to do to get ready for tomorrow.  Hopefully, I’ll have some pictures to share with you guys.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the blog.  And as always, I’m sending you off with lots of love and wishes of joy and happiness.  See you again on Saturday!

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

I have to warn you now, that you will probably not have an issue on Friday because I will be very busy and away from my computer on Thursday.  We have things going on on the base that I must attend to, so that will preclude me from being available to attend to you.  Yes, I know that my priorities are skewed and that you all should be my primary focus, but at times, I must attend to my other duties.  I apologies profusely for that and hope, in some small way, to make up for it.

I’ll be heading out shortly to go to the base to attend to some meetings that I have so why don’t we get to laughing while we have a chance?  What say you?  Well, I do believe that I have heard a rousing cheer amongst the throng, so it shall be done!

Okay, there is way too much going on in this area! 

If you ever think mythology is boring …

Just remember that Cerberus, the hell-hound and guard dog of the Underworld, comes from the root Indo-European word Kerberos, which evolved into the Greek word Kerberos, which got changed to Cerberus when it went from Greek to Latin …

Kerberos means “spotted”

that’s right …

Hades, Lord of the dead, literally named his pet dog Spot

All I want to do is lose weight and gain money.

Yet, here I am gaining weight and losing money.

The word “overmorrow” is an obsolete term meaning “The day after tomorrow”

I like that.  I may have to start using that!

I went to go to the vagina museum but accidentally went in the building next door. – The place was a shit hole.

If you show me your boobs, I’ll show you my tattoos.

Tit for tat …

I had this one night stand and I felt so bad about it…so, the next morning, I raced out and bought another one for the other side of my bed.

Back in my day, “buttlicker” was a top shelf, break in case of emergency, schoolyard insult.  Nowadays, it is a selectable option on most dating sites.

Yup, I get it…and Izzy Dragon calls me a Boomer all the time.  That’s alright, I call her a Tweezer.  It’s driving her crazy trying to figure out what it means.

And yet another reason I’m not on Facebook.

Now I’m being told of a protest being planned for this Saturday to get out and March on State Capitals and State Parks and such to protest the lockdown.  Now doesn’t that make perfect sense.  Let’s all get together to protest a fucking virus that is transmitted by being close together!  Do you people not understand what’s going on?  Why not protest the weather?

Okay, I understand that it’s hard on a lot of people.  Truly I do.  And that we need to start opening up the states, and put people back to work.  I know that.  But, we need to be smart.  We need to do it the right way. 

Like out on our base, we’ve been talking about this exact thing.  You bring back the people first who are young and healthy and able to withstand the abuse this virus is liable to throw at them.  You maintain social distancing, you keep face masks on, and the older, more vulnerable population, those with conditions that make them more vulnerable are the last group of people to come back to work, the ones who continue to telework the longest.  You take steps. 

You do the same thing throughout the community.  You take steps.  You open back up slowly and with rules.  You don’t just open up the doors and say everything is the way it used to be.

And how in the hell do you think a PROTEST is going to help?  It’s like a five-year-old throwing a temper tantrum, lying on the floor and kicking his feet because he can’t have a candy before supper!  And just like a five-year-old, you people deserve to have your butt walloped!  Yes, it’s not fair.  Yes, it’s hard.  But again, what are you going to do about it?  You have just as much success protesting the wind!

Here’s a better plan!

This Saturday, let’s take the time to help each other out.  Check with your friends and neighbors and see if someone needs something that you can supply.  Maybe they need someone to do some shopping for them, a car repair that you can help with, mowing the lawn that one of your kids can do, cooking a meal, sharing some food, I’m sure there are a hundred more things that you can think of, without getting hundreds of people together to pass a virus along to infect me and my loved ones!

This whole thing has been pushed along by the far right wing nut jobs who are looking for excuses to rile people up.  Half of them are the gun nuts and the second amendment crazies.  And yes, I am a strong believer in the second amendment, and I am a believer that you can have my gun when you can pry it out of my cold dead fingers, but what in the HELL does that have to do with the lockdown or the coronavirus?  And the other half of them are just plain crazy.  They want to see anarchy for anarchy’s sake!  They don’t care if it’s the whole 5G bullshit (which is idiocraty in it’s own right), flat-earth, aliens, white-supremacy, or the conspiracy of the month club!  If we can get people riled up about something, all the better.

People, go out and do something nice for someone.  It doesn’t have to be something really awesome.  Hold open a door for someone.  Are you going to the store for something?  Ask your neighbor if there’s something you can pick up for them.  Let someone ahead of you in line. 

Okay, I’m gonna kick this soapbox back under the counter where it belongs.

Yes, I’m sorry youngsters…it’s another one.

A quick note from James I had to share…

Hi.

This is going to be a solemn, no nonsense, no laughs, email.

I just clicked on the link to the lady singing “God bless the USA”. I IMMEDIATELY teared up.

Most of my working life has been in the US, I have tons of friends there, my office was in Mira Loma for 12 years, and with all the experiences I’ve had while down there, I am, in a lot of ways, a US citizen. Even without all that, we are neighbors, and what affects you, directly affects me. I would only wish good for all of you there, and I am hoping that things will improve for you all, soon.

God Bless the USA.

James.

I agree….It’s always a great song.  I don’t care who sings it, even if it’s a terrible rendition, it’s a great song.

Thanks for sharing brother.

And an Impish Dragon appendum… send pictures…we’ll review, rate, and share the best ones.  Extra points for those of you who show special care taken to impress.

Okay, I’m sure that’s for the last one, or two, or three, or …

Yeah….it’s been one of those days.

Here’s one from Bill:

There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in St. Luke’s Nursing Home and the editor of the Cambridge rag, “The Cambridge Distorter”, told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

He said, “WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other.

“Now get a little closer together”, said the cameraman.

Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?” “HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE” – So they wiggled up close to each other.

“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little”, said the photographer.

YET AGAIN – “WHAT DID HE SAY?”

“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, – “OH MY GOD – BOTH OF US?”

Did you hear about the new Playboy magazine for married men?

It has the same centerfold every month.

What about the guy with 5 penises?

His underwear fit like a glove.

And there was a hole discovered in the fence that surrounds the nudist colony.

The police are looking into it.

One must wonder what required this sign to be posted.

And that is it for me for today.  Remember, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmail.com or by leaving a comment on the blog.  Comments have been lagging lately, it’s like you guys don’t love me any more.  This will all be coming to an end some day and then what will happen, huh?  You sure will miss me when I’m back down to one day a week again!  Take advantage of me while I’m here!  Write to me now!  You ever wanted to ask a dragon a question?  Now’s the time!  Get in while the gettings good!  Love to you all!  Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

As you Probably noticed, I just a minute ago published Monday’s issue…well, I got tied up with alphabet organizations because of stuff we have going on out on the base and I didn’t realize I never set the issue up to post until I got up this morning.  And even then, not until I looked and saw it still sitting on my laptop, unfinished.  So, I quickly signed off of it and sent it on it’s way.

Sigh.

It’s gonna be one of those weeks.  I can feel it.

I’m gonna be outside of my solitude today.  I have face to face meetings scheduled, do not sure how much of this issue I will get done for you guys.  But I will do my best to have some laffs for you to enjoy.

So, without further ado…

This one comes from Papa Dragon Most Senior and it is sure to put a smile on your face.  Well worth the click.

This video from a Florida community will brighten up your day.

Notice the bright pink golf cart at the end of the driveway.

Turn up your sound and sing along.

 

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Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Andy Kent for sending along today’s report. From Kirksville, Missouri comes the story of a bozo husband and wife team who went into a local drug store and grabbed several handsful of film before fleeing. And our bozos might be happily taking pictures today except for one problem. They remembered to make their getaway with the film, but they forgot something else. Their six year old son who was also in the store. He’s staying with grandpa and grandma now since he was more than happy to tell the cops where his parents lived.

Good Morning Campers,
It’s Monday…the beginning of a new week.  The start of another grind.  The wheel in the cage starts to spin yet again for another week. 

 

Three drunk guys entered a taxi.  The taxi driver knew they were drunk so he started the engine and turned it off again.  The he said, “We have reached your destination.”  The first guy gave him money and the second guy said, “Thank you.”  The third guy slapped the driver. 
The driver was shocked thinking the third drunk knew what he did.  But then he asked “What was that for?”  The third guy replied, “Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!”

FOR SALE:

Muhammad Ali DVD collection
George Foreman grill
Both boxed

I went to Walmart … I’ve never been so rudely treated in my life … all I did was ask for toilet paper at the service desk … the woman behind the counter yelled at the top of her lungs, “OH MY GOD, NO!!”
I politely said, “There’s no need to make a scene.” and shuffled back to the bathroom with my pants around my ankles.

Do you keep your money in the bank or at home?

ME:
In my memories.

I’m tired of people complaining about $7 beers, $10 parking and $20 cover charge.  Don’t like the prices, stop coming to my house.

To the thief who took my anti-depressants – I hope you’re happy!

I went outside to check on my plants.  I felt something cold and wet on my arm.  I looked down and saw a mosquito using a wet wipe before it bit me.

To Be Old And Wise

You Must First Be

Young And Stupid

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.  The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.

 

My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, “Nothing.”

 

She then said, “That’s what you did yesterday!”

 

I replied, “I WASN’T DONE , SO I’M IN THE MIDDLE OF FINISHING RIGHT NOW.”

 

The reason I said “nothing” instead of saying “just thinking” is because she then would have asked, “About what?”  At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.      

 

Finally I pondered an age old question:  “Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?”  Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?      

 

Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.  Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn’t really know, here is the reason for my conclusion  A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “It might be nice to have another child.”      

 

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”      

 

I rest my case.

 

Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.

 

 

I got an awesome email from James C…the CAT guy…

This       Not and he included three tasteless jokes.  I was going to spread them around the issues, but then I thought I’d just include the whole email as it came to me, since it required me to have to spend an additional half an hour cleaning coffee off my computer screen.  So, I figured if I laughed that hard, some of you guys probably would, too.

Now, I’ll warn you the tasteless jokes aren’t for everyone.  But, I know that James and I aren’t the only ones with the warped sense of humor.

Hey hey hey!

Good to see you are upright and responsive. I was going to say bright eyed and bushy tailed, but that is a different George.
You mentioned jumping off bridges, which reminded me of a joke.

A middle aged woman is poised on the ledge of a bridge, about to jump. A passing cab driver screeches to a halt, rolls his window down and says, “hey lady! If you are going to kill yourself, how bout having sex with me first?” She doesn’t even turn her head to look at him, but says, “fuck off you creep!” As he begins to roll up the window, he says to her, “no problem, I’ll just wait for you at the bottom!” She didn’t jump.

Some people like that one, lots don’t. I don’t write them, I just relay them.

Tasteless joke #2.   Two guys in a foxhole in Vietnam, 1972. Grunt #1 says to his mate, “I am going crazy, if I don’t find a piece of ass soon my nuts are gonna explode.” He climbs out of the foxhole and runs off into the jungle. 2 days later he comes running back and jumps into the hole, huffing and puffing. “Where the hell did you go?” Says #2. #1 says, “you are not going to believe this….I came across a Vietnamese chick and we been screwing for 2 days!” #2 says, “TWO days? Really?” “You bet”, says #1. “We have done every position in the book, and then some!” #2 says, “did you get a blowjob?” “No,” says #1, “I couldn’t find her head!”

Tasteless joke #3 (because bad things come in threes)
When Lorena Bobbit cut off her old mans wiener, she drove down the street and then threw it out the window, where it hits, and sticks to, the windshield of the car behind her. In it, is a man and his 5 year old daughter. He is initially horrified, but quickly turns on his wipers, which wipe it out of view. “What was THAT daddy?”, says the girl. He is thinking, what can I say? She’s only five! So he says, “it must have been a bug, or an insect of some kind”. She looks at him with wonder, “WOW! It sure had a big cock!”

On that note, I will issue my standard, but sincere, heartfelt wish for your continued good health and spirits, and for your family also. You are the catalyst responsible for a lot of peoples smiles, globally. That’s quite something. I know I have sure had some good, out loud, laughs, at something you have put online. The least I could do is try to return the favor. If you so desire, I will handpick a couple of my best and send them as often as you like.
With that, I tip my hat in your general direction good sir. Til next time, take care.

PS. A guy called me the other day, saying he had a Cat for me to fix. I asked him what year it was. He says, “do they go by year?” Ummmm…wrong number pal. I’m a mechanic, not a veterinarian. (A person could always use their Star Trek voice, “damnit Jim! I’m a mechanic, not a veterinarian!”
Talk to you later.
James.

Thanks for the email, James.  And thanks for making me laugh.

Leah D.

Every time I have to clean a stove, fridge, whatever, I KNOW it was designed by men.
Every time I have to deal with a pandemic, I get the same feeling.
Right off the bat, I could see the lack of pre-planning and organization, that’s a man thing.
The Great Toilet paper HUNT, complete with wrestling and knock down fights . . . do I need to say it?
I’m just guessing, but who decided ALL hospitals would be used to treat ‘Rona?
The same people who take over the entire house when the Super Bowl is on.
As if the every day to day routine with everything in it’s place, but ready to take care of any issues of bleeding heads and broken bones, heart attacks and having babies is put on hold, until after the game plays out.
If a woman had been in charge, they would have assigned one hospital in the big cities, to stay ‘Rona free.

Well Leah, I can’t, of course, speak for ALL men, but I can say that I, personally, didn’t have anything to do with planning for this pandemic, unless it was Air Force planning, and then, yes, I admit to some pre-planning in that regard.  The whole toilet paper thing…I got nothin’…I still haven’t figured out how difficulty breathing, fever, headaches, and a few other symptoms such as losing your sense of taste and smell translates into hoarding toilet paper.  But, I will say, in all honesty, I’ve seen more women fighting over toilet paper than men.

And as far as hospitals go…out here…we DID keep one of our two hospitals Corona free…so… I got nothing for you today.

Stephanie

Don’t really notice much of a shortage. I suppose I’m fortunate to be able to find what I need. However after your ordeal trying to find cream of chicken soup, I looked last time we shopped and down south we didn’t have any either. I did find a real good substitute, cream of cauliflower. I’m serious, toss in a little flavoring and no one can tell the difference.

Chicken or Cauliflower….hmmm…I don’t know…let’s see

I’m pretty sure I can tell the difference there…but just to be fair, let’s try it one more time, but a little different

Nope, nope…I got that that one, too. 

Ow!  Okay, so I deserved that one, cause I was, indeed picking on you, dear friend, but since I am a big fan of chicken and … not so much of the white broccoli, as my mom used to call it to try and get us to eat it (it didn’t work), I’m not sure what you’re suggesting would really work, but…in a pinch, I would give it a try.  It seems to me I read some where that you can use powdered cauliflower as breading for a more healthy fried chicken…or maybe I am mistaken.

Thanks for the letter, dear friend, and for allowing me to poke a little fun.

And yet another one the kids won’t get.

OH MY GOODNESS!!!! Now I am going to inherit 2.8 million dollars!!! It says so right here in this email!

INTERNATIONAL MONETARY FUND (IMF) WASHINGTON D.C

DEPT: WORLD DEBT RECONCILIATION AGENCIES.

ADVISE: YOUR OUTSTANDING PAYMENT NOTIFICATION

A power of attorney was forwarded to our office this morning by two gentle men, one of them is an American national and he is MR DAVID DEANE by name while the other person is MR… JACK MORGAN by name a CANADIAN national.

This gentlemen claimed to be your representative, and this power of attorney stated that you are dead, they brought an account to replace your information in other to claim your fund of $2.8 Million Usd which is now lying DORMANT and UNCLAIMED, below is the new account they have submitted:

BANK.-HSBC CANADA

Vancouver, CANADA

ACCOUNT NO. 2984-0008-66

Be further informed that this power of attorney also stated that you suffered and died of throat cancer. You are therefore given 24hrs to confirm the truth in this information, If you are still alive, You are to contact us back immediately, Because we work 24 hrs just to ensure that we monitor all the activities going on in regards to the transfer of beneficiaries inheritance and contract payment.

You are to reply to this office immediately for clarifications on this matter as we shall be available 24 hrs to attend to you and give you the necessary guidelines on how to ensure that your payment is wired to you immediately.This measure is being taken to avoid making payment into wrong hands because the payment is ready to wired. We hope you will avail yourself the opportunity by complying with the above directive, so as to enable us release your fund as scheduled.

Just also be informed that any further delay from your side could be dangerous, as we would not be held responsible of wrong payment.Note importantly that, you might likely receive this message in your inbox, spam or junk folder which happens as a result of your web host, while I look forward hearing from your Swift reply regarding this update.

Mr Solomon Benard

Hot Line: +1 202-643-5828

Finance Department Director

International Monetary Funds Agents

Wow!  I have to get Mr. Solomon Benard on the phone RIGHT NOW!!!!  What’s that you say?  I should check it out, first?  But, I found it in my junk folder.  There’s no telling how long it’s been in there.  My 24 hours could be running out!  I have to hurry.  I could already be dead from throat cancer!

Okay, okay!  Let’s see…I’ll check out the International Monetary Fund in Washington, D.C. first…well, let’s see, it says right here that such a place actually exists…um…but that they have nothing to do with International transfers and that several scams have been perpertrated in their name…but that can’t be the case this time!  I know it isn’t!  So…so…let’s …I KNOW!  I’ll do a search for Mr. Solomon Benard’s phone number!  202-643-5828…

Well look!  There’s my EXACT email, right there… in the SCAM WARNING!  Why that son-of-a-bitch!  It says that the phone number belongs to an apparently defunct Polynesian entertainment company in the DC area.  Well, shit!

Okay, seriously dear campers.  I’m sure none of you thought I was being serious…and if you did, I have some ocean front property in Arizona to sell you.  Just be careful.  There are ALL kinds of shady stupid people out there who are trying like hell to take advantage of you and if a deal seems too good to be true, it probably is.

Yeah, so this went out a bit late, cause I got tied up dealing with alphabet people.  Sending it out right now.

Love to you all.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,
     A relaxing and easy day today…yeah, right.  It’s Saturday here.  Sunday for you guys, and it’s already the middle of the afternoon before I started this thing.  Why is it the middle of the afternoon before I started this thing?
      Because my morning has already been CRAZY!  Phone calls and emails and text messages and … oh my dear dragon!
     Although….
     After it was all said and done, all the bad stuff that was coming down yesterday, that I couldn’t talk about, all the secret squirrel stuff that was winding up and making my life an anxious ball of molten fire, it all fell through and is not going to happen.  Praise God!
     They canceled out and are going somewhere else!  Yay!
Oh, on the plus side, I did manage to go out and mow the lawn this morning.  I even managed to do that before all the rain started, so that’s a good thing and it was even relaxing, in it’s own way.  As much as riding around on the back of a lawn mower, getting poked with sticks and branches, and stabbed with thorns and thistles, can be relaxing, then yeah, it was relaxing.
      Anyway, I think I’ve rambled on about nothing for long enough.  I know I’m bored out of my mind, and it’s not much of a mind to be bored out of, so I’m sure you guys are plenty ready to move on past this minutia and get on to the good stuff.  I did notice that we have some letters and comments to get to today, so it should be quite the interesting day…, but first, what do you say we start with some laughter?

 

Today I gave my dead batteries away.

They were free of charge.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down?

Is it chloroform?

Probably another one of those the youngsters won’t get.

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste?  Looking back on my exes I think I’ve been infected for years…

The Governor of Texas has extended the “Stay At Home” order until the Dallas Cowboys win the Super Bowl…doesn’t look good for Texas.

Please wear a mask. 

Nothing to do with the Coronavirus.

Some of y’all are just ugly.

Got a letter from James C.  You guys remember James C.  He had the really cool company name…you’ll see it at the end of his letter after the picture.  Yup, he sent a picture, too.  I really love letters, and love letters with pictures even more!!!

Well, my fire breathing friend, things have really changed. Streets are much more quiet, everything’s closed, people are nervous, jumpy, and downright paranoid.
Me? Busier than a whore on payday. Repairs don’t get done by themselves, and since I repair transportation, paving, marine, and food service equipment, I got an essential services certificate so the hordes don’t stop me from getting on the ferry when I have to go out of town for work. So far so good.
Everything is a bitch though. I fucking near starved during the 4 days I was out doing field repairs. McDonalds gets really old, really fast. Public restrooms are closed. Great. This is going to be like central Africa with everyone digging pit latrines.
Oh well. Could be worse.i could be stuck at home, or in a cubicle.  I’m still getting my vitamin D.  I hope you are doing ok…seriously. Talk to you later.
James

IFIXCATS Mobile Heavy Equipment repair.

      First of all James, thanks for the letter.  Love the picture, too.  I agree with your assessment.  We’ve had several scares here, of which, if you were paying attention at the beginning, I can’t really talk about, but suffice it to say, they’ve let the crazies out of the loony bin and put them in charge.  I’m glad that I am teleworking, but also have the freedom to come and go as I please.  I get out to the base often enough to stretch my legs and keep an eye on things, but keep away enough to keep my self and my family safe, so I’m good.
      Yeah, closing the public restroom thing makes no friggin’ sense to me at all.  WASH YOUR HANDS!  But do it somewhere else.  What possible sense does that make?  I’m truly glad you are able to be out and about and have and “essential ticket”.  Be well my friend and keep writing and letting us know how you are.
Cheers!  Impish D

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Jeff Kimmey for sending in today’s report. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Kenneth Waymire who had just bonded out of jail. Not surprisingly, our bozo was in a big hurry to get home. Too much of a hurry as it turns out. He hadn’t gone very far before he was angered by a slow moving van on the highway. Our road-raging bozo veered in front of the van, making obscene gestures at the occupants and generally harassing them. When the van pulled into a parking lot, he wheeled up beside them and jumped out of the car. Unfortunately for our bozo the occupants got of their van also. All seven of them. Members of the Oklahoma City Police department’s tactical unit, in full riot gear. A check of our bozo’s car turned up some crack cocaine. He was given a speedy ride back to jail.

I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of COVID is loss of smell.

He’s taken to passing gas in my vicinity and then when I react, informing me his helpfully “performing a health check.”

He taught the children the technique.

I may divorce him.

Breaking:  Everyone at CNN has TESTED POSITIVE for Stupidity

Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

Don’t let anyone tell you to stay inside just because there is a tornado warning.  It’s your RIGHT to be outside.  More people die from the flu than from tornados.  That’s right snowflake, it’s your right honey.  And it’s your right to stand outside in a lightning storm, but do me a favor first, would you please, sweet heart?  Hold this metal rod way up high?  Thank you, luv..

I don’t really get it, myself.  If I didn’t play darts I probably wouldn’t even have an account.

Okay, let’s get one thing perfectly clear, shall we.  Right now, this very second in fact, somewhere in prison, someone’s asshole is being traded for a Little Debbie snack cake and it’s probably not the person’s asshole who’s even getting the Little Debbie.  So no!  You being stuck in your house, with your stuff, is NOT just like being in prison.  Have we cleared that up for you, cupcake?

I’m as bored as an Amish electrician.

Ontario has banned groups larger than 5.

If you’re a family of 6, you’re all about to find out who’s the least favorite!

The longer this goes on  Happy Hour is starting earlier and earlier.

If this keeps up, I’ll be pouring wine in my cereal!

Okay, today, let’s review how important spelling is

Let’s do some mail from the comments section, shall we?

TOM H

I’ve been to the local Walmart twice recently, looking for Raid® specifically, but willing to accept anything else on the shelf. There were no cans, bottles, strips, anything. What, are people using insecticide to spray the Wuhan bug? Or is it also being hoarded, in case there’s a shortage? I”m in Wood River, Il.

That’s funny Tom.  I actually went to the store the other day and one of the things I picked up was a can of Raid for ants, living in a house that’s got 120 year old bones means that occasionally in the spring time we get critters.  We usually get one mouse a year, I’ve already killed him, and we get ants that I have to stay on top of.  I think they like to walk in along the dryer vent, because I normally find them along near the washer and dryer.  Mrs. Dragon said she had noticed some in there so I had sprayed along the base boards and noticed my can was getting a little light, so while I was at Walmart last I picked up a new can and we had plenty here.  Let’s see.  I was in the Wabash,  Indiana store.  LOL.  Only 315 miles away.   Damn, speaking of Walmart, I just got a First Alert Flash that there was a shooting, just now in the Kokomo Walmart.  One person in custody, four others being sought.  Have to watch the news to see what that’s all about.

boopluver

Hello from ohio…just wanted to let you know I went to the store no butter again…I mean yeah that expensive butter..but I am afraid to ask why would someone want all that butter…but this is Wal-Mart but down the street they have plenty…and wal mart finally has toilet paper and more than 4 rolls..but no hand sanitizer or rubbing alcohol ..if I could find aloe Vera and rubbing alcohol make my own…we still are in home schooling mode ..things are not reopening yet…and I really hope that I gradual…just think of all the stories you can tell your grandchildren…keep up the good work…it is nice to laugh and smile once in awhile…since Riley does not talk…I feel my conversations with her are wasted…but nice to hear a voice other than the ones in my head

Okay, so Walmart doesn’t have Raid or butter…I’m sensing a pattern here.  Although, one is in Ohio and one is in Illinois and Indiana is in between.  Now, I haven’t checked our Walmart for butter…well, actually, I DID buy butter, but the regular kind, not the expensive kind…although I do like that Irish, grass fed butter.  I do think it odd, that butter needs to eat grass, but that’s another story and as far as reopening goes, we all just need to sit back and watch Georgia implode to see how that works out.  And who knows…maybe it will.  I doubt it but maybe it will.

Leah D

My daughter bought her dad some fresh berries, which he likes to pour a little whipping cream on. No cream, she had to buy cool whip!
I have needed Jet Blue or a comparable rinse aid for my dish washing. None! I’ve been looking for several weeks. I guess since people are at home, having to cook their own meals, there is a big rise in the need for dishwasher supplies?
I have been looking for PainStop and Theraworxs. I can find them, but the prices are enormous for such small bottles!
But we can live without those items. What I really NEED, is a miracle, so my brother can live.

I’m sensing a pattern here.  Leah, did your daughter try to buy her cream at Walmart?  I’m just askin’ cause there seems to be a theme going on here today with you guys…
And your Jet Blue, PainStop, Theraworxs, you guys all going to Walmart?
Anyway, what’s this about your brother needing a miracle?  Is this the one that works in the lab?  What’s up with that?

Why is immature spelled I’m mature?

Went to this horrible bar called the Fiddle.  It really was a vile inn.

I just saw a report that said that a trust source out of Japan says that Kim Jung Un is dead and another one says that he is unresponsive.  Seems the heart surgeon who was doing his routine heart surgery and putting in a stint, his hands were shaking so badly that he botched the surgery…I can understand why.  He and his entire family was probably under the threat of death if he screwed up and so what happens…he is so scared he screwed up.  But, what do I know.

So, we’ve gone over an awful lot of stuff today and had a whole lot of fun.  I’ve still got a bunch of emails to get to, but hey, isn’t that what tomorrow is for?  People are starting to do some stupid shit out there, but that doesn’t mean that you guys have to do stupid shit.  I expect bigger and better things out of each and every one of you than that.  Just because your friends jump off a bridge, doesn’t mean you have to.  Anyway, like always, you can reach me at impishdragon@gmailcom or by leaving a comment at the blog and also, like always, you guys have my love.
Until next time.
Cheers!
Impish Dragon