Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to Monday.  It’s got to be the very worst day of the week.  I am really beginning to hate Mondays.  They come around way too quickly after Fridays.  Especially on weekends when I have to teach class…like this one.  And what a class it was.  A whole class of new people, never having had the class before.  Quite interesting.  And long.

So, that was Saturday.  I’ll tell you about Sunday when it happens.  And Tuesday my new Range is supposed to be here, so there’s that….

Between now and then …

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone who I didn’t even know.

When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass.

Then a man approached me and said, “Enjoy life son, be happy because time flies.  Look at me now, I didn’t enjoy it.”

Then he passed his hand over my head and left.

My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.  When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had spoken to me!

I was so traumatized I couldn’t sleep properly.  I had terrible nightmares.  I was terrified of being alone.  I couldn’t sleep without a night light for many years.

I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years.  It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.

Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead bastard had a twin.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Paddy said to Mick:  “My wife left me last week, she said she was going for milk and never came back.”

Mick says:  “Oh Paddy, how are you coping?”

Paddy:  “Not bad.  I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff.”

Are we still calling it white bread?  Or did that change, too?

You’ve already put up your Christmas tree?

That’s nothing!

I’m already drunk for St. Patrick’s Day.

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in a body that doesn’t.

Listen To Your Lawyer
Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor,”You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.”
After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied, “You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was so guilty, so I told him to split.”

Did You Know:  (Well, this has been a long time …)  (Yeah, well shut up and listen)  (Wow, attitude …)  The North Star is between 323 and 521 light-years away from earth, meaning the light we see from the star was emitted sometime between 1499 and 1697.  (Okay, so that was pretty cool)  (Yes it was, now back off.)  (Wow, dude …what the hell?  We need to talk.)  (Hey, I get paid by the “Did You Know” and they’ve been few and far between.  I’ve got kids to feed and my mother-in-law has been living with us since this whole COVID thing has started up and … ) (Yeah, yeah, I get it.  I’ll talk to the editor.  We’ll get it worked out)

Did You Know: (Welcome back) (Thanks bro) Prince played 27 different instruments on his debut album.  (Cool!  I did not know that.)  (I know, right.)

Did You Know:  (Hey!  There you are again!)  (My family thanks you!)  About three-quarters of all volcanic eruptions occur underwater.  (Um … we’re reaching a little here)  (Yeah, we are)

And THAT is the call of the dragon!!

Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.

My wife has asked me to help her with her diet …

So I’ve hidden her teeth!

That has been my problem far too many times.

Enough of that, let’s do some of this…

I’m in!  It’s bound to work!

My generation’s zombies didn’t run.  They walked.  Uphill.  In the snow.  They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

Yeah, I’m working my way up to that level right now.  Can’t cross my legs yet.

Got an email from Joe L. in Beesley’s Point, NJ.  It came in at 3:26 am on Saturday morning and he explains why …

Impish,

Just finished reading the latest issue at 3am.

My wife couldn’t find her car keys at 1:15am when she finished work in Ocean City, NJ. I had to shake the cobwebs and bring her my key. OC is a 20 minute ride from Beesley’s Point. Slow going thanks to the 25mph speed limit and traffic light.

But once I returned home I was wide awake. Seeing your new issue gave me a reason to stay up awhile and not attempt to fall back to sleep.

Bummer……Now I won’t have anything good to read tomorrow. Oh well, I can read this issue again.

Thanks for entertaining me in the middle of the night.

Wait….that doesn’t sound quite right.

…Joe in Beesley’s Point

———————————

Beesley’s Point is so small we don’t have a town drunk. We have to take turns.

Joe, since we are 747 miles and/or 10 hours and 50 minutes away from each other, I don’t mind if you say I entertained you in the middle of the night.  Yeah, I looked it up on Google maps.  I noticed you said traffic light – singular – is there only the one?  And I thought I lived in a small town.  But, I’m glad I could entertain you…middle of the night or not.

I’d almost rather have those kinds of directions than the kind you get around here.  There’s a lot of people that have been here for generations and you things like, “You gotta turn left where the old Smith farm burned down in the 50s”

Bozo criminal for today comes from Bound Brook, New Jersey where bozo Brendan Snider had a rather busy day when he broke into a residence early the other morning. First he went into the kitchen and cooked himself some sausages. He then ransacked a downstairs bedroom, finding a pair of jeans he liked and putting them on. He then went out into the backyard and lit the grill to cook a couple of steaks he had found in the refrigerator. While the grill was warming up he went upstairs and awoke the family’s daughter while he was rummaging around her bedroom. He apologized for waking her, introduced himself and locked himself in the bathroom where he proceeded to take a shower. The daughter then awoke her parents who confronted our bozo behind the locked bathroom door. The bozo replied, “I’m taking a shower. I’ll be out in a few minutes.” The cops were waiting when he finished his shower.

Would it surprise you if I said it doesn’t surprise me to hear he’s from NJ?

Did You know: (He’s Back!) (Rollin’ In it!) Richard Cadbury invented the first heart-shaped box of chocolates in 1861.  (I like his eggs better) (I know, right)

Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them.

Well, let’s go read some comments before we run out of time, shall we?

EdR

Regarding your commissary story.. saw that in the Commissary in Newport RI when I was in OCS. Woman barged in to the front of the line next to the one I was in, with “I’m Mrs. LT So-and-So”. Middle aged woman from two lines over came up, said to her “I’m not ‘Mrs Admiral Johnson’, I’m just Mrs. Johnson. My husband Admiral Johnson and I will see you and your husband for dinner tonight at . Eight o’clock, don’t be late.” Then she walked back to her grocery cart. Mrs. LT So-and-So’s face went pale. Then she moved to the back of the line. I would loved to have been a fly on the wall at that dinner.

You and me both Ed!  Hell, I’d have paid good money to wait the table and served the dinner!

Stephanie

Please express my prayers to Paul. I cannot imagine being without my other half.
In regard to census, yes dome of the questions are idiotic, but sadly are many people. Because of those who claim there’s more than 2 sexes, they must ask.
Please be nice. Stan is one of the workers.

I told Paul that all of us express our deepest condolences.  He said that Dragon Laffs was one of the things that Ginny missed doing and reading the most.

LOL!  We’ll all be nice to Stan if he shows up at the door, but other than that …

Seems lots of people had stories about or felt strongly about my commissary story…

Leah D.

At Fort Hood, she didn’t crowd in, but loudly proclaimed that being an officer’s wife, she shouldn’t have to wait in lines. I was ahead of her, turned, said “You’re an officer’s wife?” Saluted her and turned back around.

Dave

The window sticker – You will address me by my husband’s rank.
That would be . . . second class!

That is one thing with working with the Reserves, even on a full-time basis, I don’t interact with the spouses much, but when I do, they seem to be a bit … tightened up, maybe that’s the right way to put it.  They have their shit together.

Maggie

Impish,
A great issue!! It was sad to read about Ginny, I am sure she will be greatly missed.
I hope that you and Mrs Dragon and Izzy are all doing well and staying safe.
Maggie

Thanks Maggie.  We are doing okay.  Can’t complain.  Only cause it doesn’t do a damn bit of good, anyway.  Thanks for saying nice things about the issue, and for asking about us.  And yeah, Ginny will be missed.

Leah D.

WOW! This issue was like an anniversary celebratory one! So Round, So Firm, So Fully Packed!

Leah, I feel sexy now!  Dang girl.  Chicka wow-wow!

Think About This:

Condoms are made by humans, for humans, to prevent humans.

I before E

Except when you foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.

Weird

An American success story .

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located.  He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.  One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director: – What do you think about the situation in the stock market? The Director asks in turn arrogantly:  – Why are you so interested in that – that topic?

“I have a million dollars in your bank,” the shoeshine says, “and I’m considering investing some of the money in the capital market.”

– What is your name?  –Asks the Director.

– John H. Smith.

The Director arrives at the bank and asks the Manager – Do we have a client named John H. Smith ?

– Certainly –answers the Customer Service Manager–, he is a highly esteemed customer.  He has a million dollars in his account.

The Director comes out, approaches the shoeshine, and says:  – Mr. Smith, I ask you this coming Monday to be the guest of honor at our board meeting and tell us the story of your life.  I am sure we will have something to learn from you.

At the board meeting, the Executive Director introduces him to the board members:

– We all know Mr. Smith, who makes our shoes shine in the corner;  But Mr. Smith is also our esteemed customer with a million dollars in his account.  I invited him to tell us the story of his life.  I am sure we can learn from him.

Mr. Smith began his story:- I came to this country fifty years ago as a young immigrant from Europe with an unpronounceable name.  I got off the ship without a penny.  The first thing I did was change my name to Smith.  I was hungry and exhausted.  I started wandering around looking for a job but to no avail.  Suddenly I found a coin on the sidewalk.  I bought an apple.  I had two options: eat the apple and quench my hunger or start a business.  I sold the apple for two dollars and bought two apples with the money.  I also sold them and continued in business.  When I started accumulating dollars, I was able to buy a set of used brushes and shoe polish and started polishing shoes.  I didn’t spend a penny on entertainment or clothing, I just bought bread and some cheese to survive.  I saved penny by penny and after a while, I bought a new set of shoe brushes and ointments in different shades and expanded my clientele.  I lived like a monk and saved penny by penny.  After a while I was able to buy an armchair so that my clients could sit comfortably while cleaning their shoes, and that brought me more clients.  I did not spend a penny on the joys of life.  I kept saving every penny.  A few years ago, when the previous shoe shine on the corner decided to retire, I had already saved enough money to buy his shoeshine location at this great place.

Finally, three months ago, my sister, who was a prostitute in Chicago, passed away and left me a million dollars.

Mom:  If a stranger came up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up.” What would you say?

Kid:  I’d say, “You’re lying.  My mom has no friends.”

Mom:  Not where I was going, but Ok.

Now that we know who the essential workers are, explain to me why Professional Athletes make so much more money if they are basically useless when it matters.

And just before we close, here’s me in my new mask…

I don’t know if I like this one as much as the last one or not.  What do you guys think?

And in conclusion…

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to the weekend.  You guys are reading this and I am teaching class.  Another wonderful weekend for yours truly.  But, that is part of the job.  The best part of the job, but man … I need a break!  Geez.  I’m getting too old for this stuff.  This is a young persons gig, it truly is.

Anyway, not much to report.  Been a buys week.  Everybody wants something, it seems.  Not sure why, but it seems like a lot of things are all coming to a head at the same time, I guess we’ll figure it out as it comes up. 

We live in exciting times.

So, let’s get some laughs in before it all goes to hell in a hand basket.

Oh my Gawd, what the fuck is that!?

Shipped 10,600 miles to be packed and then shipped another 9,000 miles to be sold.  You gotta wonder if there ain’t a better way.

 

Gee … I wonder what changed?  Maybe the political climate?

Imagine if trees gave off Wi-Fi signals, we would be planting so many trees and we’d probably save the planet too.

Too bad they only produce oxygen we breathe.

Man named Harold; and a president named     Barack.

This summarizes how most liberals view the US military:

 

Harold was a bright child.  He grew up in  America.  He went to school and had a bright future ahead of him.  Harold was full of life but was cut short in a violent moment.  While few people had ever heard of Harold before his death, many did afterward  And in death, something very shocking happened.  What was so shocking, especially when it is compared to the death of someone else recently in the news?   
    
Harold was Harold Greene, Major General, United States Army.  On Aug. 5, 2014, Major General Greene was killed by a Taliban terrorist.   
    
He was returned to America with full military honors.   
    
It has been a tradition that the president attends the funeral of General and Flag officers killed in the line of duty.

Richard Nixon attended the funeral of a Major General Casey killed in Vietnam and George W. Bush attended the funeral of Lieutenant General Timothy Maude, who was killed in the 9/11 attacks.   
    
While Major General Greene was buried, Barack Obama was golfing.  The Vice President wasn’t there either.  Neither was the Secretary of Defense.         
Flags were not even lowered half-mast.   
    
Four days after Harold Greene gave his life for America, Michael Brown was killed in Ferguson, Missouri.   
    
Brown was at best a young thug.  In the minutes before his death, he committed a robbery at a local convenience store.  According to other reports, Brown struck Officer Darren Wilson and shattered his orbital bone.  Obama sent a three-person delegation to Brown’s funeral!   
    
Neither Obama nor Biden would attend the funeral of the highest ranking military officer killed in the line of duty since 9/11, yet he sent a delegation to the funeral of a thug.   
    
When Margaret Thatcher, one of America’s staunchest allies and Ronald Reagan’s partner in bringing down Soviet communism died, Obama sent only a small low-level delegation to her funeral.  The snub was not missed by the British.   
    
When Chris Kyle, the most lethal American sniper in history was murdered, there was no expression of sympathy from the White House.   
    
But when Whitney Houston died from drug overdose, the Obama/Biden administration ordered all flags be flown at half-mast.   
    
There was no White House delegation at the funeral of an American hero.  American heroes die and Obama goes to the golf course.   
    
A thug dies and he gets a White House delegation.   
    
No wonder most “REAL” Americans hold Obama in such contempt, especially members of our Military.

And Biden is now expounding on how great the Obama/Biden administration was.   
    
Stand up for the “Harold’s” in America.   

These are the kinds of things we need to keep in mind when we vote in November. 

A Professor was giving a lecture on “Involuntary Muscular Contractions” to his first year medical students.

Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

H pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, “Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?”

She replied, “Probably deer hunting or playing golf with his buddies.”

Many of you may remember Ginny K. and her husband Paul and many of you may have noticed that we haven’t heard anything from dear Ginny for a long time.  Well, Ginny has been ill since about October and we had been hoping and praying that she would get better.  She had some ups and downs but went down hill and to make a long story short, I heard from Paul today, Thursday, that our dear friend and very long time fellow camper Ginny passed away on Monday.  Ginny has been a dear, dear friend and has been following Dragon Laffs for about as long as Dragon Laffs has been around.  She has contributed so many cartoons and pictures, I’m sure I still have many of them in rotation to send to you guys. 

It is such a strange world we live in.  Another loved soul whom I never met in the real world, probably never came within a thousand miles of, but touched my heart, made a difference in my life and I will miss till the end of my days.

It only makes me want to take the  opportunity to tell each and everyone of you how important you all are to me. 

The Casinos are now offering curbside pickup.  Call ahead and they come out and take your money right from your car.

Okay, this next set is a bunch of really fucked up signs.  Some of them are from Aussie Pete … and some of them are from other places.  But all of them are pretty screwed up … you’ll see.

This one should be near my cave …. but isn’t.

This one is wrong … and from Pete.

… Aussie Pete …

… Pete…

Not Pete, but still really screwed up.

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.

Still, a few fireflies followed us in.

Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “it’s too late grandpa, the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

“Lead me not into TEMPTATION …”

Oh, who am I kidding?  Follow me, I know a shortcut.

Someone needs to sit this kid in the corner, take away her cell phone and ground her for a month until she learns her place.  Who the hell is listening to her, anyway?

Whoever decided a liquor store is more essential than a Hair Salon is obviously a bald-headed alcoholic!

And what’s wrong with bald-headed alcoholics?!

Be good to your spouse, remember, right now they could poison you and it would be counted as a COVID death.

I’m going to stay up on New Year’s Eve this year.  Not to see the New Year in, but to make damn sure this one leaves.

It turns out that when asked who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to pick one of your own.

I know that now.

Got a great letter from Tom J. that I just have to share with the rest of you.  I think you will probably laugh just as hard as I did.

Hi Impish, I hope you are getting along well with your new fridge. I’m wondering if the census people have been to your cave yet, or If they still count dragons? I also wonder if the same questions are asked everywhere across the “FRUIT FILLED PLAINS” !  They stopped showing up after I ate the last couple that showed up.  It works for dragons, not sure it works for people.  Now I just get the form in the mail.

I was having a nice, peaceful time under the shade trees waxing my car when I got interrupted by a census taker today. It didn’t go well and my attitude was partly to blame, but for crying in the beard, I just don’t get it.

After the introduction and badge presentation and all the signs in her car windows etc. I knew she was not going to rape me or rob me. I asked why I couldn’t do this by mail like I always did before? She said they need to get it done right away and because of Covid, the mail is too slow.  I don’t think she liked my response. “The mail is too slow to do the census but the nation is going to be forced to VOTE by mail because of Covid?” She said something about needing to do this or others would come to do it until it was done. Blah, blah, I knew that so I said, “What do you want to know?”  Hmm, see my comment above.  Mail seems to be good enough for dragons.

The first question was; “Are you at least 15 years old or older?” I said, “Lady, if you have to ask that you need help and shouldn’t be allowed to drive a car. This is not going to work!” (I’m 65) 

Some questions were normal and I answered them but too many were just plain shit. She wanted to know my gender and had to put down that I refused to answer. BECAUSE I DID. And the same for my wife. Other stupid questions got bad answers and she knew I was pissed. Then the real “killer question” was; “Did you live somewhere else before you lived here?” 

I thought, what the Fuck is wrong with this person? I said, “No, I never lived anywhere before this. I was born here three years after my mother died and I never knew her.” That ended the interview and she said I would probably be contacted again. If you think I’m making this up, you are wrong. It’s just pitiful what goes on and so many people go along with it. I DON’T!

Thank You for your time,

Tom

That is way too funny.  Did you live somewhere before you lived here?  Like a cop asking, “Have you stopped beating your wife?  It’s a yes or no question.”

Never, ever underestimate the power of human stupidity.

Of course not.

That’s alright, go get Biden, he’ll buy it!

Leah sent the last cartoon and immediately writes …

That ‘toon reminded me . . . I have to tell you a story that took place back in the early 70’s.

It was so hot!  Too hot to sleep, even though we had the windows wide open, along with everyone else in the circle we lived on.

Definitely too hot for sex . . .

Then there was this noise of squeaking . . .  I asked my husband, “who do you think that is?”  It goes on and on, along with a slight breeze, and soon the pictures in our mind . . . well, you know.

The next day or so, I’m in my backyard, with a neighbor, when that squeaking starts again . . . only now we see it is the swing set!

I laugh, and tell my neighbor how we wondered if it was their bed squeaking.  She laughed, said she and another neighbor thought it was ours.

I didn’t have any car oil, WD-40, nothing, so greased it quiet with shortening.

Three babies were born 9 months later, they were real swinging kids!

 

 

Stepping on Legos isn’t as bad as everyone says it is.  It actually brought me joy and laughter after my husband did it.

Sent my wife nudes and she made me a doctors appointment.

Tom H writes in the comments …

TOM H

Am I wrong or did Harry and Megan say they would never set foot in the United States as long as Trump was President?

You may be right Tom.  I did find a sleazy showbiz article from May that said that Meghan Markle said she would never live in the United States if Trump were President.  Not sure if that counts or not.  I did like her on “Suits” but really have very little interest in the Royals other than they tend to have castles with gold that line my caves quite well.

 

That is one strong friggin’ fly!

Portland cops handcuff female protester, get asked if female cop is there for pat-down.  Male officer quips, “How do you know that I don’t identify as a female?”

I can see that.  I’d leave a small tip and a lousy review.

Hey!  Me, too!  What are the odds?!

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them three inches to the left.

That ain’t right and it ain’t funny.

We used to have these ladies cut in line at the Commissary on base and throw their noses in the air and say something like, “My husband’s a Colonel.” like that gave them permission to cut the line.  And most of the ladies in line back then didn’t want to get their husbands in trouble and would keep their mouth’s shut.  Not my first wife.  She saw what was going on, took her little Jersey ass right up to that old battle axe and told her with that thick old Jersey accent, and said “Look, Bitch, my husband is an Airman and he ain’t here, but this Jersey girl will kick your fat ass, if you don’t move it to the back of the line, which is THAT way!”
And she did.

This is what happens when your child is exposed to too many commercials on TV.

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children’s sermon.  During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.  Now, asking questions during children’s sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking is dangerous.  Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand …

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, “I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor.”

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

And that’s if for today my friends.  I hope you all have a great rest of your weekend.  May God smile upon and bless you.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Thursday.  Almost the weekend.  And the header above has clues to what yesterday was.  Yesterday was the 12th of August and it was … are you ready?  National Creamsicle day! 

NATIONAL CREAMSICLE DAY

National Creamsicle Day on August 14th celebrates the creamy citrus dessert on a stick. During the height of summer, what better way to enjoy refreshment than with a creamsicle!

“Creamsicle” is the brand name of an ice cream treat.  It consists of vanilla ice cream on a Popsicle stick with an outer coating of sherbert. While many other flavors now exist, the original flavor was orange. 

Today, recipes abound with creamsicle flavors. From beverages to desserts, the flavor has long been a favorite.

An 11-year-old Frank Epperson inspired the creation when he invented the original popsicle back in 1905. After mixing up a powdered soda, he left the beverage overnight with the stirring stick in it. Temperatures dropped unusually low that night and the next morning, Epperson found the liquid frozen on the stick. He dubbed the creation the Epsicle. Sometime later, he changed the name to Popsicle.

Several generations have enjoyed the fruity, frozen treats and they continue to do so!

So, come on!  Who doesn’t love a creamsicle on a hot day? Anyone?  EVERYONE!  Okay, okay… so that’s way too much about creamsicles.  So, instead…

Y’all ever be at work for 5 hours and check the clock and it’s been 46 minutes?

I came home and my dog peed a little because he was happy to see me.  None of my friends pee when they see me.  I’m surrounded by fakes.

The war on drugs brought in more drugs and the war on terror created more terrorists.  Maybe next year we can have a war on money and jobs and see where it goes.

Don’t forget, tonight the Moon will be visible from Earth.  The last time this happened was last night.

A RETIREE’S LAST TRIP TO KROGER’S.

 

Yesterday I was at my local   Kroger’s buying a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

 

What did she think..I had an elephant?

 

So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

 

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

 

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. 

 

Kroger’s won’t let me shop there anymore.

 

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

 

Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends..

 

Bozo criminal for today violated bozo Rule #0023: For obvious reasons, donut shops are not the best places to rob. bozo Antoine Cook of Chicago learned this the hard way. Our bozo was standing in line at the neighborhood Dunkin’ Donuts and when it came time to place his order he pulled a gun from his waistband and ordered the clerk to “Give it up!” The next thing our bozo knew he had been grabbed and wrestled to the ground. That’s because standing directly behind him in line at the donut shop was a Chicago police officer. He’s been charged with attempted robbery and assault on a police officer.

Donut shops are the safest places in the world.  And they will be until we defund the police.

Good Morning Campers,

I hope everyone had a great weekend.  Welcome back to Monday.  The new fridge is working well so we returned the mini-fridge we had borrowed.  I hope that is not the incentive that the new fridge was waiting for to stop working … that is the way things have been working around here … not that I am trying to borrow trouble, but still …

I have buddies coming over on Sunday to help hook up the water on the new fridge to get that working the way it’s supposed to work and then Mrs. Dragon’s sister and nephew are supposed to come over Sunday afternoon for a burger burn so that will be fun, so it should be a good weekend all the way around at the dragon cave.

So, let’s get this Monday started off the right way, shall we?

A little girl says, “Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?”

“Why sure you can,” her grandfather replied.

As she is sitting on her grand dad’s lap she says,  “Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?”

“A sound like a frog?  Well, sure.  Grandpa can make a sound like a frog.”

The girl says, “Grandpa, will you please, please make a sound like a frog?”

Perplexed, her grand dad says, “Sweetheart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?”

And the little girl says, “Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we’re going to Florida!”

Whenever my wife uses the phrase, “I was thinking.”

That means I either have to move, build, paint, or buy something.

Bozo criminal for today comes from St. Peters, Missouri where bozo Paul Snider held up a 7-11 and got away with 100 bucks in cash. Well, he didn’t quite get away. He got his money and headed for his car, which wouldn’t start. Panicking, he came back into the store and gave the money back, telling the clerk that the robbery was just a joke. He then asked if the clerk could give him a jump start. Clerk said no, but maybe those nice policemen that were driving into the parking lot could help.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order … I probably should have stopped when I got to her name.

WebMD is updating its server because of a virus.  Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis.

To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

Sounds legit to me.

What to know what God thinks of money?

Look at the people he gave it to.

We’re in the R’s and we couldn’t do the R’s unless we hit …

Hey look!  Somebody DID caption that picture.  I just didn’t know it.  Not bad …

It’s often been said that I want a love like Gomez and Morticia had.

Yes, that is the proper expression on that baby’s face.

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

“You have the communication skills of an alarm clock.”

Who woulda thunk it?

Okay, I’ve decided that this is going to be my final pitch for the year.  It’s now August, when I traditionally do my yearly pitch for everyone to help out with the upcoming bill from WordPress and whoever it is that bills me for being able to have the term dragonlaffs.com as my own and in order to make it so that there isn’t advertising all over the website, and every year you guys are generous enough that I don’t have to pay anything out of my own pocket to continue to do something that I love to do, but that takes up a lot of time every week.  You guys seem to understand when I miss an issue here and there and we all know that life gets in the way of what we really would rather be doing.  So, anyway, here’s my last pitch for the year:

Please donate, hit the donate button on the top right column (you can actually do that year round if you like, throw me a buck or two here or there, I usually just let it accumulate throughout the year unless I run across hard times, which has happened once or twice) or you can write to me at impishdragon@gmail.com and I will gladly give you my snail mail address and you can send me something that way as a couple of our campers have done.  Every little bit helps.  And that’s it.

And here’s a HUGE thank you to the ones of you who have seen it in your hearts to help out this year and to those of you who wanted to but couldn’t … I completely understand.  It’s tough out there right now for a lot of us.  It truly is!

William E.     Donald G.#1     Donald G.#1     Chuck G.     Ronald W.     Theodore K.     Mark M.     Donald G.#1     Michael C.      Steven H.      Joseph P.      Henry S.      Leah H.      Scott H.      Donald G.#2      William E.     Dan T.     Philip S.     Joe L.     LTC (Ret) Bob B.   
Lona T.     Justin     Daniel W.

You guys are really too awesome for words.  Thank you from the bottom of my dragon heart.  Now, before I start shedding dragon tears, let’s move on to some other stuff, shall we?

Two clips from the show, “Whose Line Is It, Anyway?”  One of the greatest comedy shows on TV.  If you’ve never seen it … you’ve been deprived.

When my daughter was little (about 4), we spent the night at my parents and I was brushing her long hair after her bath.  My dad told her she had such pretty hair, and asked if he could have a little to cover his bald spot.  She didn’t even look up and said, “I think you have enough on your back to cover that.”

Ouch!

Okay, all of those were so bad … let’s go check the mail, I KNOW I’m behind in that.  Maybe that will be better…

First one from Stephanie … goes back a little bit.  Told you I was behind.  But then again, I like getting a little behind in the mail.  … anyone? … anyone?  … ba da dump – tish! … Sigh.  Okay, sorry.

Stephanie

Love the mask. You can partially expose your Dragon nature behind it.

Thanks Steph.  Problem being, when I expose my dragon nature, it tends to get me in trouble.  I was wearing the hat, glasses, and mask to the store the other day and this 40-something lady either didn’t see me or didn’t care and stepped in front of me in line at the check out, since we were maintaining our six-foot social distancing.  She looked a little harried and only had one item, and I had … not a lot, but a few more than she did.  I wasn’t going to say anything to her, being the kind and benevolent dragon that I am, but without even thinking, this low, deep growl came out of my mouth for just a second or maybe two.  And I guess it was loud enough for her to hear as she was putting her stuff down on the conveyor belt at the checkout.  She turned and looked at me and her eyes got real wide and she  … squeaked…  and just looked at me, frozen.  I had to say, “Well, you’re already there, go on then.”   She couldn’t say anything to the cashier, the best she could manage was an “eep” and paid for her … whatever it was … and ran out of the store like a little girl who had to pee.  When it was my turn and I went to pay the cashier, the cashier wouldn’t look at me and treated me like I had just beaten the lady before me in line.  So yeah, I gotta be careful.

This next one is from our own Leah D…

Leah

So when I posted the Every Problem Has a Solution funny you have on this edition, on Facebook, first, they had a message pop up saying it could be disturbing . . . then, they deleted it.
Most of the political cartoons have been deleted.
My friend posted pictures of the July snow at his place . . . no wonder, ’cause those snowflakes are out there in full force!

Some of you have asked me in the past, “Why isn’t Dragon Laffs on Facebook?”  That is the exact reason right there.  LOL!  Can you imagine how much of my stuff would get taken down?  If it wasn’t for my darts league, I wouldn’t even have a Facebook account.

And another from Stephanie …

Stephanie

When are you going to make another trip down south to teach the boys?
Pray for you and yours on a daily basis my dear friend.

Wow, haven’t been down to your neck of the woods in … many years.  With all the government restrictions on travel right now, I’d say it might be a while before I do it again.  We aren’t playing the games … I’m sorry, having the exercises, like we used to but hopefully we will again someday because I think it’s one of the best ways to keep our troops tuned up and ready to go.  I will do my best to get on any trip that heads that way and I’ll buy you a drink.  I’m sure I owe you a half dozen or so.

And I do appreciate the prayers more than I can express, dear friend.

And from Leah D … seems as though the two girls are trading back and forth. 

Leah

Here’s my plan to make life better for you. You take a picture of your self, send it to me. I will remove that cloud of doom that has been hanging over you with photoshop.
I got that great idea from protesters who say if you get rid of cops, it will make everything right.

Oh my dear Leah…I think we are WAY beyond PhotoShop’s help at this point.  I think I’ve pissed off all the old gods, all the new gods, mother nature, most of the mythological creatures roaming the earth and approximately 78% of the female population of the world.  Other than that, I think I’m okay.

Hey, here’s one from Ed R:

Ed R

Good luck with the new fridge tomorrow.

Thanks Ed.  As you guys know, the Fridge got installed and all went well.  By the time you guys read this, the water SHOULD be hooked up and it will be giving me ice water, ice cubes, and crushed ice…either that or the house will be flooded and we’ll be living in a tent out back, one or the other.

And finally, I’ve got a couple more from Leah D … our most prolific commenter, that I’m going to put all together in one last post:

Leah D

Don was disgusted with players on their knees, so I called our satellite company to remove the Root Sports access from our programming and bill.
In the past, when I have made any changes, they have always asked why? They didn’t. I suspect they already know.
Now we are free to Root for you getting your range!

and

I’m excited! I haven’t had a sit down talk with my youngest daughter, since early March. She is coming over today to sit 6 feet away, underneath the apple tree.

Good on you and Don, Leah.  If we had a sports package I would do the same thing, but we only ever watched the games that came on the regular channels.  And you can root for the range on Tuesday the 18th.  That’s when it is supposed to be here.

Good luck with your daughters visit.  It should be an exciting day for you.

And now back to the fun stuff now that we are all caught back up again.

Oh dear Gawd, they’re still awful!

Okay, that one was cute!

Boss:  “Are you on drugs?”

Me:  “You and I both know you don’t pay me enough to have a drug problem.”

You are one sick bastard.

They are now starting to force this bullshit down our throats:

Post corona romance novels might go something like this:

“Hands glistening with sanitizer, he reached out and gently removed her mask…

As he pressed closer against her, she felt a certain stiffness near his trouser pocket.  ‘Is that what I think it is?’ she asked breathlessly.

‘Yes,’ he replied.  ‘I brought my digital thermometer in case I need to take your temperature.’”

Like many people in lock down, I’ve been getting my clothes online.  My neighbors now take their washing in at night.

I know, right.

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.

And with that brightly painted picture I will call it an issue.

Thanks for being here on a Monday morning with me.  I hope you had a terrific weekend.  And I will hopefully see you again on Thursday!

Love and blessings to you all.

Cheers!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Saturday.  My real day off in two weeks. I’m hoping to take advantage of it, but I guess we’ll see.  I won’t really know until after you guys are reading this, so it will be a bit of a moot point.  Next Saturday I’ll be teaching class again, so I better take advantage of this Saturday while I can.  I’m supposed to have a buddy of mine come over and help me hook up the water to the new Fridge (which seems to be working wonderfully, by the way) so that the ice maker and water to the door will work.  We shall see.  I hope he shows.

Anyway, it’s been a long hard week and I really need to laugh, so let’s get this party started shall we?

 

If I was a plastic surgeon, I’d put a squeaky toy in every boob implant.

I will be posting telepathically today.

So, if you think of something funny, that was me.

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, “It’s my husband, you have to leave!”

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.  He goes back to the house and says to the woman, “Wait a damn minute!  I’m your husband!”

She replies, giving him a dirty look, “So why did you run?”

Today I found out that if you treat others how they treat you … they seem to get very upset.

During WWII, an American Army Captain stationed in England met and fell in love with a British Lieutenant in the WRENS.
After a whirlwind courtship, they became engaged and his fiancée wanted him to spend the weekend at her parents’ home in the country so they could meet him.
When they arrived at a huge estate, a Rolls Royce was parked in front of a circular driveway with a staff of a dozen maids, butlers, gardeners, etc., standing at attention awaiting their arrival.
It was obvious to the Yank that his fiancée was no ordinary Brit, but of the nobility.
Her parents were absolutely taken by her choice of a husband and a delightful weekend was enjoyed by all.
When the Yank returned to his headquarters outside London, he went to the British liaison officer’s office, explained what had happened, and asked what the proper protocol would be for him at the wedding.
“At the wedding, pretty much the same as your American weddings, I would say, but a bit more elaborate.
The big difference would be after the wedding.  You will both have connecting rooms in  Claridges.
You will both go to your separate rooms, where you will bathe, apply cologne, put on your pajamas and robe, and go to the door connecting your two rooms.
You will rap on the door. She will answer, ‘yes,’ and you will say, ‘I offer you my honor.’
She will respond, ‘I honor your offer.’
That is your permission to enter her room.
After that, it’s honor and offer All night.” 

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

This is a transcript of an actual cyber sex session. As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber-sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy.

This is not the case with the following transcript of an actual on-line cyber -sex session. Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I’m 6’3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I’m also wearing an old T-shirt, it’s got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I’m smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I’m gulping. I’m beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest

Wellhung: Now, I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.

Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and I’m sliding it softly off. Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I’m rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.

Sweetheart: That’s, OK. It wasn’t really too expensive.

Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it! I’m wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it’s stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back And undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my
nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and Inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know,breasts. They’re neat!

Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered With spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I’m taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties

Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What’s the matter?

Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There that’s better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I’m aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I’m drying the cup. I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait it’s dark, I’m lost. Where is The bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I’m tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don’t you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can’t see very well. I’m placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again I’m walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I’m going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman’s thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma’am, I’m having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth. I can’t wait another second.  Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I’m flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I’m getting dressed, I’m putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can’t find the night table. I’m reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. I’m putting on my shoes

Wellhung: Now I’ve found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I’m pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I’m logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

It’s a bad idea to take a dog named Shark to the Beach.

So, a burglar broke into the house … I put the red dot on his chest … and the cat did the rest.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.  As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out hear at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” The man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.

And that, dear friends, describes most old men.

Found out two things today:

1.  Kitchen sex can be wild and exciting.

2.  The staff at McDonald’s are quite narrow minded.

If she eats her French Fries with a fork, she’s probably not going to do that thing you like.

I’m told to treat others as I want to be treated.
Now I’m facing Sexual Harassment Charges.
Thanks.

1950:  I bet in 70 years we will have flying cars.

2020:  This syrup is racist

Did You Know: In Medieval England, EELS were used as currency, specifically for rental agreements. (A slippery snake-like creature for housing?) (Apparently) (How weird is that?)

I work at a hotel.  A guest asked why there was no Fourth of July parade or any fireworks in town.  We were in Australia.

I think I need to lose a little weight.  I tried to sit up in bed this morning and ended up rocking myself back to sleep.

 

These next two are for Papa Dragon Most Senior…

This is a really special picture and it’s especially cool because it’s what Papa Dragon Most Senior (My Dad) used to do for a living for Jersey Central Power and Light Company.  He started out as a Lineman and did that for many years.

This award-winning 1967 photo, taken by Rocco Morabito, was titled “The Kiss of Life.” It shows two electrical operators, Champion Randall and JD Thompson, on top of an electricity pole.

They had been performing routine maintenance when Champion brushed one of the low voltage lines at the top of the power pole. More than 4,000 volts entered Champion’s body and his heart was instantly stopped (an electric chair uses about 2,000 volts).

His safety harness prevented a fall, and Thompson, who had been ascending below him, quickly reached him and took a mouth-to-mouth breath. He was not able to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation, given the circumstances, but continued mouth-to-mouth breathing, keeping Champion’s lungs active until he felt a slight pulse, then unfastened the harness and descended with it on his shoulder.

Thompson and other workers performed CPR on the floor at Champion, whose breathing and heart rate were gradually restored.

Then the paramedics arrived and Champion’s recovery was complete.

His partner had saved his life with what the picture looks like a kiss.

Champion survived and lived until 2002, when he died of heart failure at the age of 64. Thompson is still living. The photograph was published in newspapers around the world and won the Pulitzer Prize in 1968.

There are friends who are not friends, and there are friends who are more than brothers.  (Thanks Lynn)

Yeah … I’ve got questions, too.

That moment when you spell a word so wrong that even autocorrect is like, I’ve got nothing man.

Women Love Mythical Creatures:

Vampires
Werewolves
Unicorns
Men Who Listen

Abso-friggin’-lootely!

I gently pushed my hand into my pocket and pulled the last one out.  It trembled at first and clung to my hand.  “Go on, it will be ok,” I whispered.

Encouraged, it flexed its wings and I knew the time was right.  It flew up towards the blue, blue sky and I looked on proudly as it made its way to freedom.

The last of my fucks was finally given.

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.

I’m starting up a new restaurant that serves curry poured over French Fries.  It’s called “Curry On My Wayward Spud” and yes, There’ll be peas when you are done.

I was going down the store aisle the wrong way and this guy screams at me, “DIDN’T YOU SEE THE ARROWS?!”

Ducking down, I said, “I didn’t even see the Indians!”

And that’s it for today dear friends.  I hope I was able to give you all a smile today.  May you all be blessed with your weekend.

Impish Dragon