Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Due to circumstances beyond my control … the government is working my ass off … Thursday’s issue has now been pushed to Saturday’s issue.  My humblest apologies over this but I gotta get some sleep in here somewhere.

See you on Saturday.

Good Morning Campers,

It is so funny how some things just come around.  We were up in Alpena and we talked about the difference between being inspectors and observers and I said since we were observers we needed to have JAFO hats, referencing, of course, the great movie Blue Thunder.  Well, of course the younger guys were like, huh?  What’s Blue Thunder and what’s a JAFO hat and I think me and one other guy were the only ones who actually remembered …Anyway, I get up this morning (Saturday) turned on the TV and what do I catch from the very beginning? Blue Thunder. And if you are reading this and have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, find the 1983 movie and watch it for yourself.  Especially if you want to figure out what JAFO means.  Okay, maybe if you ask nicely … somewhere in this issue I’ll tell you what JAFO stands for on Daniel Stern’s hat, if you haven’t figured it out for yourself.

The movie was definitely ahead of it’s time.  Extrapolating technology that the military was experimenting with at the time.

Anyway, enough about the serendipitous watching of an old movie we were talking about a couple of weeks ago.  I just thought it was cool.

Now, let’s see if we can help you get through this Monday without too much horrible go on! Shall we?  So, without further ado …

 

Got another e-mail from out buddy Tom J. in Oregon.  You know, where you can’t gather for Thanksgiving but you can buy cocaine.  Here’s what he had to say:

Hello Impish, I first want to say that I hope you and your family had a very happy Thanksgiving and somehow, I’m sure that you did. Our family had a very nice day in spite of the governor’s orders to cancel our plans. This morning I learned that I was not the only Oregonian to tell the governor where she can stuff her turkey. More than 250 people from all over Oregon showed up and had a pot-luck style turkey dinner on the lawn in front of the capital building in Salem. Everyone was welcome, including homeless people who all defied the governors orders. No police showed up to stop the celebration.The cold rain didn’t stop it either!

Some may call it a defiance of the law. I call it justice and knowing the difference between right and wrong. 

I think the brave pioneer who stands on top of our capital building would be proud of us all for standing up against these power drunk liberals!

Tom in Oregon

I think so, too Tom.  Thanks for sharing brother.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Denver, Colorado where bozo Mark Haley served on a grand jury which handed down secret indictments against a major drug dealer. Our bozo then got the bright idea of going to the drug dealer and offering to sell him information on the case for $50,000. Guess he must not have been paying very close attention to all of the grand jury proceedings. If he had been, our bozo would have known that an FBI agent had testified that the drug dealer’s house was bugged. He was arrested.

“You’re still a rock star” I whisper to myself as I take my multivitamin and climb  in bed at 9:45.

I wonder how many times we tell ghost stories and the ghosts around us are like, I never said that shit.  He’s not even telling it right!

Took this picture of us on the beach a couple of years ago.

Give up carbs?

Over my bread body!

I heard that internet addiction is now an official mental disorder and you can go to rehab for it.  I’m only going if there is Wi-Fi.

He’s pissed off because his credit card wouldn’t clear and she said that he had to go.

When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog like I’m a blackjack dealer…

They say that sex is the best form of exercise.  Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but 2 minutes and 15 seconds once every 3 months ain’t going to shift a beer belly.

I will be posting telepathically today.  So if you think of something funny, that was me.

That is just so wrong!!!!

No kidding…every single time it goes off.

Is it wrong to drop drunks off at houses that aren’t theirs?

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife.  But, she figured out I was only after my money.

Let’s do some mail … mostly because I’m not ready to end this issue yet. LOL!

Leah D.

I am nominating Mr Blue Sky to be our celebratory song when covid is gone! Thanks for the mention, I hadn’t heard it or thought of it for so long. I too, am a music fanatic. I swear I could teach some world, definitely US history, just have students come to class and listen to songs.
Like you, I read 350, and thought, no, 325! Don and I were sad the days of 30+ family members would come here for Thanksgiving, were gone. Then we made a great giant leap forward when we discovered our 10 pound turkey (just him and I), was so tender, compared to the 30 pound we used to cook. Like I always say . . There is good in everything!

Thanks Leah.  Yeah, back then music was really music!  Although there is some good music today, it’s not like it was back then when it seemed like every single song was worth listening to. 

We cooked a 22 1/2  lb. Kroger brand (store brand for those of you who don’t have Kroger by you).  It was originally almost $40 for the bird, but because it was on sale for 33¢ a pound it only cost us about $7.50.  I was worried because, you know, what are you going to get for a $7.50 turkey, but it was one of the very best turkeys we’ve ever had.  Tender and juicy.  It practically fell off the bone.   The only problem … the leftovers are now gone (It’s Sunday) I think there is a little stuffing left and some cranberry sauce.

Stephanie

I know what you mean about the price of books. I still purchase a few every year. Stan and I go walking next to a free library a couple of times a week and I exchange many books there.

I’m always impressed when I see the little kiosks with the free books.  Drop one off and take one.  Always in out of the way places that individuals take care of.  It is a wonderful thing, for the love of reading.  It is almost a burden to read as quickly and voraciously as I do. .. to have evolved beyond the printed word (that sounds so pretentious) I remember when I came back from Germany, I had been single, pretty much living in the dorms (I lived off base for a while, but maintained a room in the dorms … long story) there was no real TV to speak of  and before the age of digital reading, one of my room mates at the time, Smitty, read about as much as I did, and we would go to the local Stars and Stripes on base to buy books.  When I shipped back to the states, almost my entire household goods shipment, my entire 650 lb. allotment was paperbacks.  My next assignment was in New Mexico where I was a newly married and very poor young NCO, so I would bring boxes of paperbacks to the used book store in town.  I had so much credit there that I don’t think I ever bought a book the entire four years I was stationed there and probably left with several hundred dollars worth of credit on the books.

Leah D

Now I remember why I like Thanksgiving . . . because I don’t have to cook again for almost a week!

Well, we didn’t make it a week.  But, it sure was a good run!

And on that very important public service announcement, we’re going to call this an issue!  May your Monday be filled with happiness and …. ah, who the hell am I kidding.  I just hope you guys survived.  Oh!  By the by … did you figure out what JAFO stood for?  Did you Google it?  (Yes, that was Google used as a verb)  Did you cheat?  Did you pause in reading Dragon Laffs, rent the movie and watch it to the point where, in a tear inducing moment, Officer Frank Murphy is listening to the recording of Officer Richard Lymangood tell him that he figured out that JAFO stood for … are you ready for it … “Just Another Fucking Observer”. 

So, now it all comes full circle.  You understand now why I thought we should have JAFO hats while we were up in Alpena if all they were going to use us for was Observers.  How funny that was and how serendipitous it was that just a few days later the exact movie from whence the quote came from comes on TV for me to watch, from the beginning.

And that rounds out this issue. 

Love and happiness and peace on earth, good will toward men (and women) to you all.

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s the day after Thanksgiving and we are all suffering from turkey overload.  Or … at least I hope we all are.  We had a really good visit from the Whelpling and his kidlets, as well as Mrs. Dragon’s sister.  While we were all here we got Papa Dragon Most Senior on the phone and wished him a Happy Thanksgiving and told him that he was hearing from 3 generations of Dragons and that seemed to make his day, so that was really nice.

But for some stupid reason it is like one o’clock in the morning … I am freaking exhausted but can’t seem to sleep.  I am yawning my ass off, can’t hardly keep my eyes open, but I’ve tried laying down like three times now and every time I do my mind starts racing so I thought, well screw this, I’ll get up and start Saturday’s edition of Dragon Laffs and share my dark misery with my dearest friends. 

Now doesn’t that just sound lovely.  Share my dark misery with my dearest friends.  Oh Geez!  Friggin’ pathetic. 

For crying-out-loud, let’s laugh about something, please!

Also known as the new Democratic Plan.

Then Stephanie sends me an email with the Subject line of: Why do you think I’m a spy??????? and the body is this …..

Q. How are husbands like lawn mowers?
A. They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

Q. How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. How do men define a “50/50” relationship?
A. We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder “Instruction Manuals.”

Q. How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A. All he’s concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q. What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A. Any place without a drive-up window.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man’s penis?
A. His body.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A. They either cling, run, or don’t fit right in the crotch!

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening?
A. Sex.

Q. What’s a man’s idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What’s the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot’s been spotted several times.

Q. What’s the smartest thing a man can say?
A. “My wife says…”

Q. Why can’t men get mad cow disease?
A. Because they’re all pigs.

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don’t like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
A. Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. When do you care for a man’s company?
A. When he owns it.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common?
A. They both have one in a million chance of becoming a human being.

And you wonder why I call you a spy???

And it’s like Stephanie read my mind, because the very next email I got from her was this one.

Men are like……Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like…..Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.

Men are like…..Bank Machines.
Once they withdraw they lose interest

Men are like…..Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just LOOK SILLY

Men are like…..Cement.
After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like…..Chocolate Bars.
Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your ass.

Men are like…..Coffee
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like…..Commercials.
You can’t believe a word they say.

Men are like…..Computers
Hard to figure out, and never have enough memory.

Men are like…..High heels.
They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like…..Lawn Mowers.
If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Men are like…..Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like…..Laxatives.
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like…..Mini skirts.
If you’re not careful, they’ll creep up your legs.

Men are like…..Noodles.
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Men are like…..Plungers.
They spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

Men are like…..Popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like…..Placemats.
They only show up when there’s food on the table.

Men are like…..Snowstorms.
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long  he will last.

Men are like…..Used Cars.
Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable ¥

 

I would be insulted if they weren’t all so damn true!!!!

 

 

In this day of COVID-19, it’s tough for some of us to get a job.  Give this little guy a beak.

But was Stephanie done with me yet?  Oh no!  Not by quite a bit.  The VERY NEXT E-mail I opened was from her and it was this one:

MEN’S THOUGHTS DURING LOVE MAKING

Kissing/Light Petting

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Oh, I can’t resist: I’m powerless before your seductive ways!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Garlic breath–ewwww!”

Undressing

What he hopes you’re thinking: “My God, look at the SIZE of that!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “My God, look at the size of that!”

Foreplay/Oral Sex

What he hopes you’re thinking: “I could worship at the alter of your impressive manhood for hours.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “If he doesn’t warn me before he cums, I’m going to kill him.”

Penetration

What he hopes you’re thinking: “You stallion, you’re splitting me in half!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Is it in yet?”

Your Orgasm

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Yes, (his name here), yes!”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “I deserve an Academy Award for this performance.”
What he’s even more afraid you’re thinking: “Yes, (other guy’s name here), yes!”

Postcoital Bliss

What he hopes you’re thinking: “Now I know what an earthquake feels like.”

What he’s afraid you’re thinking: “Maybe I should let my lesbian friend Sue take me to that females-only dance club after all.”

And yet … and yet … it’s all so true!!!

Now, I’m not only sitting here tired and exhausted…now I’m depressed, as well.  I know … I know exactly what is needed!!!!!

Okay, I’m better now.

Okay, so that’s gonna make a crappy cup of coffee.

In all honesty, Stephanie and I have been friends for a VERY long time.  About as long as Lethal and I have been friends.  And she knows that I’m only picking on her, just so the rest of you don’t get the wrong idea.  Love you lots dear lady.

And then our dear Camper Lynn sends me this one and I can’t help but feel that our male gender doesn’t stand a chance of survival… it’s called “Man’s alternative to waxing.

JUST WHEN YOU THINK YOU’VE SEEN THE END OF THE STUPIDITY, SOMEONE SENDS YOU THIS!

This guy’s name isn’t Chet by any chance, is it?
I’ve heard ‘the song’ for years; but until now I wasn’t aware of the origin.
You know the one I’m talking about:

‘Chet’s Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!’

We really don’t have a chance in hell, do we?

This guy doesn’t stand a chance.

And Sasquatch sent in this one. 

Written in 43 B.C. valid even today :

Marcus Cicero of the Roman Empire wrote this amazing wisdom:

1.The poor-work & work

2-The rich-exploit the poor

3-The soldier-protects both

4-The taxpayer-pays for all three

5-The banker-robs all four

6-The lawyer-misleads all five

7-The doctor-bills all six

8-The goons-scare all seven

9-The politician-lives happily on account of all eight.

Definitely gives you something to think about.

And is set up for social distancing

Not the greatest of all possible comebacks, but funny just the same.

This next one is from Bill E. 

These are very good!

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.
4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
10.  If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you,  just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”
11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.
12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
13. I run like the winded.
14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?
17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”
19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.
20.  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere,  makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people  cops.
21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Which one is YOUR favorite?

I don’t know … I kinda liked … all of them!!!

And now I think I’m tired enough to try and go to sleep again, so … to be continued.  Wish me luck!  I’m going in!!!!

You know … they say that tryptophan in turkey is supposed to make you sleepy and let me tell you, I eat a lot of turkeys on Thanksgiving.  (Yes, you read that correctly, I am a dragon, after all).  There is a really good article that I found on WebMD and you can read it too right here https://www.webmd.com/food-recipes/features/the-truth-about-tryptophan#1 but the long and the short of it is that the whole turkey and tryptophan thing is untrue.  There is no more tryptophan in turkey than there is in say chicken.  Actually a little less, at least according to this article, so I have to throw the bullshit flag …

… now the only problem is that since I was on WebMD, I found out that I have a rare, unpronounceable disease that only affects ancient blue dragons.  So … that kinda sucks.  Stupid WebMD.

Life is like Friday on a soap opera.  It gives you the illusion that everything is going to wrap up, and then the same old shit starts up again on Monday.

Mrs. Dragon snapped this picture yesterday on Thanksgiving of the Whelpling showing up for the holidays.  His family is just off screen to the right.

 

And what the hell is growing old in Oregon like?

And this one is from dear camper Lynn who gives us some

Thoughts …

Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?
It was quite an oar deal!

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called the hearing?

What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hotdog!

Did you hear about the two bedbugs that met in the mattress?
They got married in the spring.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Why do watermelons have fancy weddings?
Because they cantaloupe.

Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head!

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

What do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
Guardians of the Galaxy!

A bartender is just a pharmacist with limited ingredients.

I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Much of the stress that people feel doesn’t come from having too much to do. It comes from not finishing what they’ve started.

Happiness is where you find it, but very rarely where we seek it.

You never regret being kind.

Due to my isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday.  And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.

Dreaming of better times, better places.

I’m not Self-Medicating.
The guy from the liquor store gave me a prescription.
Okay, he called it a receipt.

And so ends another week without me becoming unexpectedly rich.

Shout-Out to everyone who can still remember their childhood phone number but can’t remember the password they created yesterday.

You are my people.

 

 

Amen!  I would so much enjoy that!!!  And run after that truck every single afternoon!!

 

They say marriages are made in Heaven.  But so is thunder and lightning.
~ Clint Eastwood

One minute you’re young and fun.  And the next, you’re turning down the stereo in your car to see better.

How about a couple of quick comments …

Larry

I haven’t heard of the Moody Blues a long long time. Love their music!!

Yup, often maligned, but I’ve heard them live many, many times.  And I think they are wonderful.  Still my favorite.  Rock and roll music with a full orchestra back up.  What can be better!

Sasquatch

One thing from my list of things to be thankful for…. another fine edition of Dragonlaffs. All the best to you and yours.

Thanks Sasquatch!  I hope you and all the campers had as great a day as we had here!

This is not going to end well.

Not in jail, not in a mental hospital, not in a grave – I say I’m having a very good day.

Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk.

Paul asked Kurt, “So, what do you hunt?”

Kurt answered “I hunt unicorns.”

Paul was startled, but said “Really? How do you do that?”

Kurt replied, “I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare.”

Paul said, “Boy, they must be hard to find. I’ve heard of them, but I’ve never seen one.”

Kurt said “Yeah, and there aren’t many unicorns around, either!” 

I asked this girl to go to a movie with me, and she said, “No, I won’t go to the movie with you because I know what you will do! You will unbutton my blouse with one hand, and have your other hand on my leg!” I said “I wouldn’t dare do that! Why people behind me could see us!” She says, “That’s right, so could we get there early and get seats in the back row!”

Here’s a brain teaser sent in by Aussie Pete.  What’s the number of the covered up parking spot?

I’ll give you the answer a little further down the line …

A couple checked into the famous Breakers Hotel in Palm Beach.

After a day of drinking and golf, mostly drinking, the man returned to his luxury suite one night to find his girlfriend lying naked in bed.

His eyes went wide and he began to strip, only to stop suddenly when he saw

a cigar in the ashtray beside the bed.

“All right,” he demanded, “I’ll kill you unless you tell me  where the cigar came from!”

A muffled voice came from under the bed, “Havana.” 

In answer to A.P.’s puzzler above.  The missing number is 87.  Is that what you got?  Try turning it upside down and looking at it from the other way.

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas trees and I’m over here like, I probably should do something about those rotting pumpkins on the front porch.

Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.

The ultimate example of redneck engineering.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Have a wonderful weekend and lots of laughs.

Good Morning Campers and Happy Thanksgiving,

Today is a very special day!  A day where we take a few minutes out to remember what it is we are thankful for and I know how tough that might be in 2020, but I also know that if we think about it hard enough, we can come up with a couple of things.  Family, Loved Ones, Health, Happiness, Love, Laughter … there are a lot of things to be thankful for.  There are a lot of things to not be thankful for, but we are not going to talk about them today.  We have 364 other days of the year to talk about them.  Today, we are going to concentrate on the good things.  And the good things include laughter, as we always do here at Dragon Laffs, we are going to laugh.  That is our mantra … our motto … our way of coping.  So, let’s see what we can do about that with a Thanksgiving theme, shall we?

 

This next one is an actual letter that has been shared over and over again and I’ve heard on the radio many times.  Thanks to John S. for sharing it here:

Dear Family,

I’m not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday. Dinner is at 2:00. Not 2:15. Not 2:05. Two. 2:00! Arrive late and you get what’s left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don’t arrive at someone’s house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives – date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different This year because I have decided that 47% of you don’t know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I’ll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M.  The television stays off during the meal.

2. The “no cans for kids” rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child’s cup when it is empty. All of the cups have names on them and I’ll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy’s house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You’ve never been a good cook and you shouldn’t bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That’s nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn’t change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That’s why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy… look at me. I’ve outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I don’t put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I’ll watch my things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: You don’t need to bring anything means you don’t need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn’t have to be difficult.

12. Domino’s and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it’s true now that you have kids.

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your Grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love You,

Grandma

And that, my dear friends, is the way a Grandma is supposed to sound.  And you know it all comes with a hug big enough to take your breath away.

Okay, first and foremost, I am thankful for the love of my family and friends.  From my father, Papa Dragon most senior, to my wife, Mrs. Dragon, to my children, to my brothers, and sister, to my grandchildren, to my extended family, my Dart Family, my campers and Dragon Laffs family, my work family, my online family, my military and veteran family, the friends and family I’ve met over the years, and all the people who’ve touched my life over the last almost 62 years I’ve been on this earth.  The thousands … if not tens of thousands of people who I’ve come into contact with, interacted with, touched their lives and they have touched mine in one way or another have, at least in some small way, made me who I am today.  But, the ones whom I am truly thankful for are the ones who I mentioned above that I know I can reach out to at any time of the day or night and they know the same, that if they need, they can pick up the phone at 3 o’clock in the morning and I’ll by their side.

Well, Tom J. gives us the continuing and bizarre adventures in Oregon…

Only in Oregon. Just thought I’d let you know, I will be celebrating the holiday with ALL my family and we say, “the governor can shove a turkey up her liberal ass!”

It’s not often I’m speechless …. but this is pretty close.  Awwww come on.  We have to!  In celebration of the of the governor of Oregon, everyone say it with me:

Yay!  Now, don’t you all feel better?

So, I’m sitting here listening to 70’s rock while I’m working on this and what comes on?  American Pie.  By Don McLean.  Which leads me into the next thing that I’m thankful for.  Music.  Especially music that brings me back to a happier time.  Doesn’t have to be older music, although I do have a soft spot in my heart for 70’s rock and am a big fan of the Moody Blues, but I listen to just about everything.  Papa Dragon most Senior is a professional musician playing sax, clarinet and flute being a big fan of big band and jazz so I grew up with a lot of music in the house and my tastes run a bit eclectic.  And music that makes me FEEL is most to be thankful for.  For instance, every single solitary time before I teach a CBRN class, on the drive over from my office to the classroom, I play Burn It To The Ground by Nickelback just loud enough to not shatter the windows of the car and scare the natives.  I have a good sound system, so it sounds really good, but it gets me in the proper frame of mind to teach GIs about staying alive in crappy places and frightens the cops as I drive by the main gate.  So yeah, being thankful for music and being able to hear and appreciate good music, songs, lyrics, and allow it to get inside my head and flow with it and allow it to take me away from certain situations like it has in the past.  Mr. Blue Skies just came on and I’m going to listen for a minute while you guys continue reading.

I am thankful for being able to read.  It has kept me sane over this whole COVID thing.  I read a lot.  I watch a lot of TV with Mrs. Dragon, but I read … A LOT.  I read because it teaches me things and allows me to escape and live in another world.  Right now I am reading a book called AS YOU WISH:  Inconceivable Tales From the Making of The Princess Bride by Cary Elwes (Westly and the Dread Pirate Roberts) and Joe Layden.  It is very well written and quite interesting, although not my usual cup of tea.  I usually read to live another life.  Think of it this way.  We are given one lifetime…but with books, we can live as many different lives as we can read books. I started reading before I went to kindergarten and haven’t stopped.  I wondered how many books I was reading.  I had to stop buying them, they got too expensive and too difficult to carry around with me.  like this last time I went to Michigan.  I was going for seven days, so I would have to bring seven books.  Eight just to be sure.  Do you know how much room eight books, even eight paperbacks take up in your luggage?  So several years ago I had to switch to digital.  Digital books are cheaper and more importantly, they take up much less room.  Anyway, back in the spring, I decided to keep track of how many books I was reading so I put an app on my phone.  Every time I finish a book, I click a button and it keeps track.  Since April first, I’ve read … let me check …  82 books.   Wow, I’ve slowed down.  82 books in 239 days.  That’s 1 book every 2.9 days.  For a while there I was at 1 book every 1.9 days.  But, I’ve been busy.  So, it looks like I’m averaging 120 books a year.  If you figure that the average paperback costs like $8.99 to $9.99 right now, that’s $1,100 a year in books!!!!  That’s an expensive habit.  I’ll bet I don’t spend a tenth of that electronically.  Anyway, that’s my next thing to be thankful for … books and reading.  Weird list, right?

It’s not actually.  It should be 325…

So, what else are we thankful for?  Well, my grandkids are going to be over and they are going to be doing some yard work for me while they are here … so I’m really thankful for that! 

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Something else I’m thankful for … no restraining orders in my past … that I’m willing to admit to.

The next thing I am thankful for  … was just mentioned in the last meme.  The turkey part, too.

And that’s it my wonderful friends.  And you know it’s you that I am thankful for the most!  Well, second most.  LOL!  May you all have a truly wonderful and thanks filled day.  My love to you all.

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Monday … already … and it’s time to get ready for another work week.  A short work week, but another work week just the same.  This week has a very special holiday in it.  Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays.  Not just because turkey with stuffing happens to be like one of my favorite meals of all times (and Mrs. Dragon makes like THE BEST turkey EVER!!!) but because it makes us take a day out of our busy year special to stop and think about all the things that we are thankful for.  That’s not going to be easy to do this year, but here at the Dragon household, we are going to give it a try and here at Dragon Laffs, we’re going to give it a try, also.

But, that’s for another issue.  For this issue, we’ve got all kinds of fun stuff planned for you today.  I’ve actually got a weekend off to work on this issue and maybe … MAYBE … we can do a bit more than just throw some jokes and cartoons at you.  Now wouldn’t that be a fun thing to do?  Yes, I know it’s been a while since you guys have gotten a real issue and I apologize for that, but we all do what we can do.   And sadly, Impish has got responsibilities beyond taking care of you guys.  I know that’s hard to believe, but it’s the truth.  Maybe someday, you guys will be all I have to worry about because I will have hit the lottery and will be independently wealthy!  Oh … wait … I guess you actually have to PLAY the lottery in order to WIN the lottery.  Well shit!  That let’s that idea out.  Hmmm.  How about … a rich relative dies and leaves me his vast fortunes!  No … that won’t work.  I don’t have any rich relatives.  Well, that just leaves you guys.  We have 454 followers, in order to supplement my income … with retirement … and Social Security … you guys are gonna have to come up with … let’s see … carry the one … um … never mind. There’s no way you guys are gonna pay that a year, much less every month.  Sigh.  I guess we’ll just have to keep going the way we’re going.  Keep fighting the good fight and knowing that we’re making a difference in a few lives out there somewhere.  And that, my dear campers, is what really matters.  So long as I keep getting the occasional email or comment that says, hey Impish.  I really look forward to seeing your issue, or something you said really mattered to me, or you made me laugh today, then that’s what really counts.  When that stops happening, then I guess that’s when I’ll think about hanging all this up.

And that ain’t today.

So, let’s get this party started!

“Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.” ~ Robert Heinlein.  They are out there and they vote.

In regards to the whole drugs in Oregon conversation we’ve been having, Sasquatch writes:

Sasquatch

So if I understand correctly, in Oregon cocaine is legal but straws aren’t?

Yeah, that’s what it seems like.  I’m not saying it makes sense, nor that I agree with it by any stretch of the imagination … but that is what it seems like.

And the left now want to decriminalize everything, as well as get rid of prison…so we have THAT to look forward to.

A Little Known Fact … Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

I got on YouTube just to watch a music video and 5 hours later, there I am watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe.

The Impish Dragon Residence this Thursday, but only because Impish REALLY likes Turkey.

And Stephanie sent us this picture of the “Get Off My Lawn 3000”

Perched high above the mountain top, Impish Dragon surveys his surrounding kingdom, majestic in his … oh, who are we kidding, he’s stoned again.

If a man says you’re ugly, he’s being mean.

If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s envious.

If a little kid says you’re ugly, you’re ugly.

 

Stupid people are like glow sticks:

I want to snap them and shake them until the light comes on!

 

It is scientifically proven that women can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches … and it doesn’t matter if it’s a Visa or a MasterCard.

So, we all know that Stephanie is rumored to be a tough chick…and I’m not saying that this is a portrait of her … mostly cause I don’t want to get my ass shot, so I’ll leave up to the reader to connect the dots.

 

The body of the average military veteran is 28% Ibuprofen.

 

If I’ve offended you with my posts, I humbly apologize.  I honestly didn’t think you could read. 

Damn!

From Des Moines, Iowa comes the story of bozo Stephen Harrigan who held up a convenience store, getting away with a small amount of cash. Unfortunately in the confusion our bozo left his wallet behind at the scene of the crime, an oversight he discovered a few minutes later. And since he was still in the neighborhood, he decided to try to retrieve it. As he walked back into the store, he overheard the clerk on the phone to the police, describing him as five foot ten and 38 years old. “I’m six two,” our bozo shouted, “And I’m 34 years old.” The bozo was still trying to get the facts straight when the cops showed up and arrested him.

My son, Luke, loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

In other news … the Seven Dwarfs have been advised that as of today, they can only meet in groups of six.  One of them isn’t Happy.

Yes!  Yes you should!

I don’t know how to us TikTok, but I can write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on clocks with hands … so there’s that.

Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner.  It’s going to save you money on Christmas gifts.  Follow me for more cost saving holiday tips.

Yes, I’m politically Incorrect.  And there is a damn good reason for that.  I think that this STUPID BITCH is not only a fucking moron, I think she is a dangerous fucking moron because she is gathering a group of other fucking morons around her who are as stupid as she is!  It is mind blowingly unbelievable to me that anyone with a half an ounce of brains voted for her and even more unbelievable to me that she has managed to keep herself alive past the age of a parent feeding her because I don’t believe she’s bright enough to successfully use a knife a fork.  But, maybe Pelosi spends the time she’s not in a beauty salon feeding her … who knows. 

I don’t doubt it.

I don’t doubt that either …

YES, WE KNOW!!!!

An Irish couple took in an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. 
She asked if she could have a bath, but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bath, although if she wanted to, she could use a tin bath in front of the fire. 
” Monday ‘s the best night, when my husband goes out to darts,” she said. The girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday . After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched the girl get undressed.
She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair. She mentioned this to her husband when he came home. 
He didn’t believe her, so she said: ” Next Monday ,when you go to darts, leave a little early and wait in the back garden. I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so you can see for yourself.”
So, the following Monday , while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked,
“Do you shave?”
“No,” replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hair down there. Do you have hair?”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, and she pulled up her nightdress and showed the girl that she was really generously endowed in the hair department. The girl finished her bath and went to bed.
Later that night, when the husband came in, the wife asked him, “Did you see it?”
“Yes,” he said, “but why the hell did you have to show her yours.”
“Why ever are you worried about that?” she said. “You’ve seen it often enough before.”
“I know,” he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”

Do midgets only have to stand 3 feet apart?  Asking for a friend.

I have to admit, I laughed so hard at this.

And I’m afraid that has to be it for today my friends.  I’ve run out of time.  I’ve got to get things done and ready for Thursday and for work tomorrow and … and … and … there’s always something else to do or something else going on.

But that’s life and that’s what we have to work with.  Love and happiness to you all until we meet again.