Good Morning Campers,

Christmas time is coming and although it’s going to be quite a small one here at the Dragon household, I am still trying my very best to get into the Christmas spirit.  Today is Sunday, I just spent all day yesterday working my tail off teaching a very full CBRN class and I’m not saying I had some surprise students show up … but I’ll let the pictures speak for themselves.  We were able to get some old style masks to fit the reindeer.  Believe it or not, the hardest part was trying to find all those xtra-small suits to fit the elves! And no, before you ask, I didn’t have any trouble at all keeping order in my classroom.  Any of you who know me, or have been in any of my classes before know that is not, and never has been an issue.

I spent the morning with Izzy Dragon doing some Christmas shopping for Mrs. Dragon.  I think she probably did a little for me, too.  She did wonder off on her own for a bit. 

So, for the rest of the day, I’m going to sit here, relax, and get this issue knocked out for you guys.  I hope you find it enjoyable.

 

I don’t know … if you’ve got boys for grandkids and can make some sort of murdery scene out of them, they’d probably get a kick out of it.

Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File in South Plympton, Australia. The cops were called to a report of a prowler at a building site. When they arrived, they cordoned off the area and brought in a K-9 patrol. After initially finding nothing, the cops noticed something strange. A statue that seemed to be out of place. Further investigation found that the statue seemed to be breathing. Yep, our bozo had hidden in plain sight by pretending to be a statue. He’s busted! Charged with criminal trespass.

I actually also heard this one on Bob and Sheri’s moron of the day recently.  Very funny and takes a lot of balls to try and pull off.  Makes me wonder how the dogs didn’t pick up on it.

My favorite Christmas Tree pick so far.

The Tank Isn’t the Only Thing Empty Here

Thanks to Bozo News Hawk Glen Snow for sending in today’s report from Blair County, Pennsylvania. Let’s follow along in this Bozo Timeline. One: Steal a gray Audi SUV. Check. Two: Take off on Route 22 but fail to check the vehicle’s gas gauge. Uh, check. Three: Coast to a stop on the side of the road and call, not AAA, not a tow truck, but instead the state police to ask for help. Check. Four: Go to jail after the cop arrives and determines the vehicle is stolen. Check and busted!

Many, many of which are not going to be home this year for the holidays.  I actually know a guy who is shipping out the day after Christmas…and he considers himself fortunate that he gets to spend Christmas day at home with his family.  Let’s all take a minute or two this holiday season to drop a quick prayer and word of thanks for the men and women who are out there protecting our freedom.  Those men and women who have put their asses on the line for you and I and for what?  For crappy pay, shitty hours, terrible living conditions, and being away from their families. For the sole benefit and joy of being able to put their skin and bones between us and the evil that exists in this world right now.  Thank you my brothers and sisters for your service and dedication.

Did You Know:  The largest modern turtle ever recorded was a leatherback turtle that washed up on Harlech Beach, Wales, in 1988.  It was estimated to be 100 years old, was almost 9 feet in length, and weighted 2,016 pounds!

Just for comparison purposes … and I looked it up … that is a little more than 2/3 the size of a VW Beetle!  Which is about 13 feet long and about 3,000 pounds!  Can you imagine finding a turtle on the beach close to the same size as a friggin’ car!!!!

I’m not sure if I’ve used that cartoon before or if I’ve just gotten it from so many people and it’s finally gotten it’s way into rotation.  But, just to be sure and because it’s so funny, I used it again.

And if it’s a repeat, it’s funny, so there!

I took Mrs. Dragon on a winter holiday one year.  She likes the cold weather, it allows her hot-bloodedness to come out.

I’m going with – Not so much.  I’m also going with – pissed off at whoever took the picture instead of stopping the kids from filling the gas tank with water.

I knew those damn things grew on trees!  There’s just too damn many of them for any other logical explanation.

It’s December!  The time of year we can wear cozy clothes and stay in.  Like the other 11 months of 2020 but more festive.

I think I just heard that one lady on Facebook have a heart attack.

We tried that, Sweetheart, remember?  And you kept screaming, “How the hell did you get in my house!”  So, it didn’t work out anywhere near like you hoped it would.

We are not all in the same boat.  We are all in the same storm.  Some have yachts, some canoes, and some are drowning.  Just be kind and help whomever you can.

And that doesn’t mean just COVID-19, or even 2020.  This has been a rough couple of years for me, as many of you know and many of you have reached out a helping hand and have extended out a loving word and and kind prayers to me and my family.  And that is what family is all about.  Many of you have told me that Dragon Laffs is one of the few things that is helping you get through the day and that is one of the motivations that I have to keep going.  Not that I need a motivation to keep going because I love doing this as much as I think most of you love reading it, but you understand what I’m saying.

Help others whenever you can.  Even if it’s like the guy this morning who cut Izzy Dragon and I off on the way into the parking lot and then went the wrong way on the one-way road.  When I blasted my horn at him and gave him the finger, I felt like I was helping him out by showing him the error of his ways.  And when I saw where he parked and watched him go into the store, and walked around to the far side of his car and let the air out of two of his tires, I know I was teaching him a valuable lesson in humility and good manners, because when we came out of the store and he was gazing up at the sky and speaking with God, I knew I had made my point.  But, just to be sure, I pulled past him in my car, rolled down my window and asked him if everything was all right.  He told me he had two flat tires.  I said, “Huh!  That’s very surprising.  They didn’t look flat when you cut us off and drove like a jackass pulling into the parking lot.  Well, good luck to you.”  And the young man looked quite contrite as Izzy and I drove home.  So yes, I do believe I helped that young man out.

And I think all of you understand that that is NOT the kind of help we are really talking about when we say, “Just be kind and help whomever you can.”

Don’t forget to get your hair done first you bitch.

We had this ref at out last dart tournament who was just so full of himself I had to take a picture and share it with you guys. 

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead, she’s a the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel!

I know what women want!!

They want you to drag them to the bedroom, throw them on the bed, and clean the dirty dishes while they take a nap.

And if you don’t get how adorably cute this one is, you’re way to friggin’ young!

Okay, let’s read some mail, shall we?

Here’s one from our dear friend Leah …

Leah D.

Ok, you have me totally worried now! Yes, I am concerned for your physical and mental health, having to work so many days and hours. But what really worries me, is, if you train people people how to survive biological warfare . . . and recently, a new, unknown, sickness hit India . . . what is it you aren’t telling us?

Maybe you should be teaching how to survive fear mongering!

Leah, dear, don’t you think that if there was anything at all to worry about that I’d tell you?  —– Okay, let me ask that another way —– Don’t you think that if there was anything to worry about that I could tell you? —– Okay, that didn’t sound any better, did it?  —– Why do you think Santa, his elves, and reindeer were in my class this Saturday?  —– Okay, that’s not good either.  Leah, I can neither confirm nor deny that there is anything at all to worry about at this time.  How’s that?

Okay, moving on.  No more letters.  No more.

But here is a PSA … A Public Service Announcement from our own Dear Stephanie:

Thanks Steph … that was … um … something.

Now that’s a bookshelf!!!  I know what I’m asking Santa for!!!

Oh!  Oh!  Oh!  Santa!  While you’re bringing me stuff …. I want this too!!!!

Headline:  Alabama Man Gets Sister Pregnant After Unknowingly Having Sex With Her During “Furry” Party.
Stephanie, where the hell do you find these things?

My God, that is the perfect answer …

There was a picture in my phone of me sleeping.

I live alone.

No kidding.

Some people will only love you as long as you fit in their box.

Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their ass.

I had my patience tested — I’m negative!!!

Ladies, if you come across a man who is smart, humble, well educated, financially secure, passionate, patient, mind-blowing in bed, hot, great at fixing things around the house, can cook, love you like he can never get enough of you, and listens to every word you say …

Then please be assured that the shit you are smoking is of superior quality.

If you message me and I don’t respond, please assume I saw something shiny and forgot about what I was doing.

And I’m thinking … that’s not a bad price …

And I think that is just the right sentiment to end today’s episode on.  Tune in on Thursday for the next exciting installment of Dragon Laffs and see where our heroes end up.

Love and Happiness to you all.

Impish Dragon