Good Morning Campers,
First of all, I’d like to offer my humblest apologies to those of you who, pointed out, and rightfully so, that I missed out on Pearl Harbor Day in my last issue. I was called out several times in both the comments and in emails. In my own defense I didn’t really forget as much as I just ran out of time and energy.
I was also visited by the Ghost of Lethal Leprechaun who told me that I forgot the Marine Corps birthday back on the 10th of November and I can’t quite remember if I had a good excuse for that one or not other than the fact that if falls right adjacent to Veteran’s Day and that was probably enough to cause me to forget.
It should go to show you how friggin’ crazy my life is right now, though. My last day off was Thanksgiving. And I think my next one is Christmas.
So…. accept my apologies and we’ll move on. Otherwise … well … we’ll move on anyway.
And to top it all off, I just got a phone call with a pre-recorded message from the social security administration saying that an arrest warrant has been issued in my name for fraudulent use of my social security number! And it even came across my official government cell phone! Oh my God, what am I going to … yeah, never mind. It wasn’t even funny the first half dozen times it happened. I really wish it was a real person who would call instead of a stupid recorded message.
Anyway … enough with the mea culpas and onward with the laughter!
Buttock Tattoo Terror Lands Rotherham Pair In Hospital
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Furious film fan and part-time plus-size XXXL model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the ‘Ink It Good’ Tattoo Emporium in Wellgate, Yorkshire last week, to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur.
Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one”, he told us “I’d just lit a roll-up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrow’s not there anymore. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind would be more appropriate. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant.
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go when he’s doing close up work, there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that I give him my five-second warning, and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just quietly crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we asked him to comment on what had happened.
“People just don’t appreciate the dangers,” he told us. “We get more call outs to flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days now that people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future. On behalf of the entire Fire and Rescue service, we wish them both a swift recovery.”
You couldn’t make it up!
When an Aussie says, “Just down the road.” It can be anywhere from a block, to a kilometer, to a 3 day drive. Just down the road.
A man goes to his ophthalmologist for his annual eye exam.
The doctor puts a contraption on his face and asks what he can see.
“I see empty airports, empty football stadiums and malls, ” he says.
“I also see closed theaters, closed bars, closed restaurants.”
“That’s perfect,” says the ophthalmologist. “You have 2020 vision.”
There are some great travel benefits to being married to a dragon.
I drink coffee because without it, I’m basically a 2 year-old whose blankie is in the washer.
First time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous. (Sir Winston Churchill loved them)
1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you …but it’s still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge, is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of an emergency, notify…” I answered “a doctor.
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I’m supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find someone older than me.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from Bristol, Connecticut, where Bozo Joseph Castellano walked into a Dunkin’ Donuts wearing a jacket with his name on it and carrying a fake pistol. He shoved the gun in the clerk’s face and demanded money. When the clerk started crying, the bozo tried to calm her down by showing her the gun was fake. He then said to forget about the money, just give him a cup of coffee to go, which the waitress did. The bozo then walked out of the Dunkin’ Donuts and right into his home, which was only two doors away. He was enjoying his cup of coffee when police arrived.
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’
The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’
The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin?’
The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith and begorrah it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.
Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again!’
Impish Dragon Family Gathering …
Overheard child singing: “He’s making a list, chicken and rice …”
I almost caught COVID yesterday, but I quickly stood on a social distancing sticker and put an end to that shit.
I ordered a dozen of these for certain “friends” on my Christmas list.
The best part of waking up …
Is still a mystery to me.
I actually met someone the other day who had never watched the movie or read the book … I was both incredibly saddened and jealous. Saddened because he had missed out on so much and jealous because he had that incredible adventure ahead of him yet … and if you don’t know to which book/movie I am referring to … then you are one lucky bastard. Go out and get it NOW!!!!!
2014: Didn’t jog
2015: Didn’t jog
2016: Didn’t jog
2017: Didn’t jog
2018: Didn’t jog
2019: Didn’t jog
2020: Still haven’t jogged
This is a running joke.
Now we need one for NFL. I’ve been working on it, but can only come up with a couple. Natural Fucking Liar
National Fucking Loafer
None Fucking Looking
But I really don’t like any of those … so … mission for the class.
And if you don’t get that one … you’re too friggin’ young!!!
TAKEN FROM ACTUAL RESUMES…
“Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.
“I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”
“Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”
“Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
“Number of dependents: 40.”
“Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:
“Responsibility makes me nervous.”
“They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
“While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”
“I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
“My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
“I procrastinate – especially when the task is unpleasant.”
“Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”
During a dinner party, the hosts’ two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.
After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”
And that’s it for today my friends. I hope you enjoyed the issue. I hope I have time to give you a Saturday issue. I’m working AGAIN this weekend. I know, right? Anyway, my love you to you all.