Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers and welcome to 2021! 

Let me start off by saying thanks to every one who sent messages of  Happy New Year and thanks and stuff on the website through comments and email and messages and stuff … they were really appreciated.  So … 

And 2021 isn’t starting off so well.  We woke up to an ice storm this morning … but it’s slowly turning to rain this morning.  It’s right at the freezing point, so it’s falling as rain … kinda and freezing on the ground … kinda.  It’s a mess, but it won’t last much longer and no one has anywhere to go this morning (around here anyway) so we can just sit here and visit with you guys.

It wasn’t nice everywhere though.  Portland, OR rang in the New Year with a friggin’ riot with fire bombs and tear gas.  For crying-out-loud!  What in the hell were they even rioting over?  No one even knows!  If I had to guess … the people probably wanted to gather for New Years … the police said they had to disperse because … you know, COVID.  The people said no.  The police said yes.  Someone had some fireworks for, New Years, like you do.  Fired one at the Police.  Stir well.  And “POOF!”  Instant riot!  But, that’s just a guess from one little blue dragon.  And I wasn’t there … but … I am a keen observer of human nature.  So, who knows. 

Anyway, What do you say we get this party started and some laughs in the new year?

 

When America fired upon Guam during the Spanish-American War, Guam sent out an officer who requested ammunition so Guam could return the gesture.  It turned out Guam was unaware a ware was going on, thought America was merely saluting Guam, and wished to respond in kind.

In 1862, opposing Civil War armies were camped on opposite sides of Virginia’s Rappahannock River.  With no orders to attack and getting increasingly bored, the Southerners sent a toy boat across, loaded with tobacco.  The Northerners sent it back, filled with coffee.  One side held a sports competition, and the other watched and cheered them on.

 

Women Are Like Bacon

We Look good, smell good, taste good, and will slowly kill you.

 

Stephanie sent me this really … interesting (?) article:

What Is The Brosno Dragon And Has It Really Been Lurking In A Russian Lake Since The 13th Century?

We do like to hide, and it sounds like this guy is really good at it.  See for yourself.

According to legends, the extended family of the Loch Ness monster lives all over the world and includes a dinosaur-like creature in Russia’s Lake Brosno, affectionately known as Brosny, Brosnya, or the Brosno Dragon. As one of Russia’s most famous urban legends, Brosny is also one of the most fearsome Russian cryptids. With its long tail, fish-like head, and giant mouth, the creature swallows men, boats, and islands whole according to stories. Although legends about Brosny date back to the 13th century, modern people still claim to see the creature leisurely swimming through the lake on occasion.

And here is the rest of the article … worth your time, it’s a good read: https://www.ranker.com/list/brosno-dragon-russian-cryptid/erin-mccann

Thanks Stephanie

I don’t like the term “Anal Bleaching”.  I prefer to call it “Changing my Ringtone”.

New Year’s Eve parties can get a little testy when there are dragons involved.  Next time I tell you it’s your turn to buy the next round, it’s your turn to buy the next fucking round!

Damn!  … and I just turned sixty-two.

Late in World War II, the Germans built fake airfields to exaggerate their military prowess.  The Allies flew over these wooden fields operated by wooden decoys and bombed them … with dummy wooden bombs.

I was going to throw the bullshit flag on this one as an Urban Legend for purely tactical reasons … but … after a little research, there does seem to be at least the possibility of some truth to it, so I included it with these two pictures:

 

 

 

 

 

So … I leave it to you, gentle reader, to make up your own mind.  It is a cool story, either way.

 

The Dutch were down to just one warship in the East Indies in 1942.  To get safely to Australia, past seas full of Japanese, they covered the ship were trees and pretended to be an island.  They moved only at night, and they fooled every plane that spotted them.

Called an Uber last night because I was drinking, now I gotta figure out where I left my ride.

Today I plan on being as useless as the G in Lasagna.

In the 19th century, to break a stone from their bladder, men had to pass a nail through their penis and then use a hammer to break it into pieces small enough to pass through their urethra.  The lithotomy to eliminate the stones was performed without anesthesia until 1846.

Having given birth to more than a dozen stones over my lifetime, all I can say is … Oh my dear lord … Thanks John for sending this one in.

Another brother forced into slavery!

Ten years from now you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket.  “Oh man, what a weird year that was,” you’ll chuckle to yourself.  Then you’ll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of cannibal raiders.

There’s a difference between GEEK and NERD!

GEEK:  May the Force be with you.

NERD:  May the Force be equal to the mass multiplied by acceleration.

You know that urge to eat something just because it’s there?
               That’s the reason I’m not a Gynecologist.

Me!  ME!  Pick ME!

Steve H. sent us this message … and I missed it till today.

To all my friends:  I need to be more active and spend less time on the computer, so December 31st will be my last day on Facebook and online for the year.  I will return at the start of the New Year on January 1st.  Thank you for understanding, I’ll miss you all dearly.

Oh man, that’s tough Steve, and we’ll all miss you too, but we understand.  Don’t we everybody?

I laughed so hard at this one.  And this next one, too.

And to round off today’s issue, here’s three more … and to start, I gotta get one of these:

And that, my friends, is it for today, the first issue of the new year.  I know, I set the bar kinda low to start with, but that just makes it easier to go over next time.  I hope you all got a laugh, now I’m going to go and catch up on some of the sleep I didn’t get last night.

Cheers my friends!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Well, here it is … New Year’s Eve!  It’s finally almost over!  The fucked up year of fucked up years!  All I can say is, 2021 HAS GOT TO BE BETTER!  Please, God, make 2021 better.  We are all begging you.  On our knees, praying!  Please, please, please make it better!  Personally, I’ve already gotten news that will screw me up for most of 2021, but if nothing else comes up, I should be okay … if a little short for most of the year.  But, I’m choosing to think of that as something that happened in 2020 that is just effecting (affecting?) 2021.

So … Let’s get this new year started the right way and say:

There was this guy who was looking for the best Hollandaise sauce,

and a friend suggested he look in Nome, Alaska. 

When questioned why in Nome the friend replied,

“Everyone knows that there is

no place like Nome for the Hollandaise.”

The problem with 10:30 PM is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30 AM if you’re not very careful.

The most scary part about this … is you’re going to be in charge of another human being.  And it sounds like your husband isn’t any smarter than you are. 

Check on your friends with toddlers.  The toddlers are winning.  Send help.

INVITATION

We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

Some people call me crazy.  I prefer the term happy with a twist.

 

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

You ever be tryin’ to take a nap and the damn neighbors show up and want to party?

Need to fire the entire advertising department.

Let your smile change the world, but don’t

let the world change your smile

The Bozo criminal this morning comes from Denver, Colorado. Our Bozo walks into a self serve convenience store/gas station and demands money, which the attendant hands over without a fuss. The Bozo then hurries out the door to his getaway car. As he opens the door to get in, his dog, who had been waiting in the car, jumps out and begins looking for the nearest fireplug. After several attempts to coax the dog back into the car, the bozo speeds away leaving the dog behind. Within moments, the police arrive and find the dog perfectly content to let them scratch his ears and read his dog tag, which contained the name, address and phone number of our soon to be captured bozo criminal.

There is attitude, and then there is a positive attitude!

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be – it’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the US Air Force pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a pilot, but an Air Force pilot, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:

“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply,

“Can I feel your tits, then?”

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude!

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese

Sad news!  I broke up with my girlfriend, Lorraine.  She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.  Good news though!  I can see Clare Lee now, Lorraine is gone!

“If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink!”

I’m so confused when people don’t drink coffee.  What do you do?  Get an appropriate amount of sleep?

Weirdo.

Happy black Friday!  When I worked at Old Navy on this date almost 10 years ago, I had a 103 fever and they said I would be fired if I left, so I had to stand there with my co-worker who they wouldn’t let go home either, after she found out her sister had been murdered.

Sounds like a real family oriented company.

The lights in my house were flickering and my dad said, “What’s draining the lights?”  And I said, “It’s me, I’m getting stronger.”  Then the lights went out.  My dad is a bit scared of me now.

I found out that saying, “There, there little girl” to a pissed off grown man only makes things worse…really worse.

Teenager For Sale

Fully equipped with rolling eyes, deep sighs, and sarcastic comments.  Plays video games and texts 200 WPM.  No reasonable offer will be refused.

And that’s it my friends.  We’re off to see our friends and count this shit done!!!!  May your year end with a smile, may your new year be filled with joy and love and happiness.  Know that you are all special and loved by me and Mrs. Dragon and that we want only the very best for you.

Happy New Year!

Good Morning Campers,

It’s Monday … and I’m back to work as you’re reading this.  Be sad for me.  LOL!  I’ve enjoyed my couple of days off, and I’m sure it will be a dead zone during the time between Christmas and New Year’s, but I’d still rather be off work.

Oh well.  I’ve really grown used to the luxuries in life, like heat, electricity, and food, so I guess I have to go back to work.  Although I suppose I could just sit on my ass and let the government take care of me … isn’t that the democratic way?  Okay, it’s too early to get into that now, let’s do other things first, okay?

Holy Crap!  Everyone!  Everyone of them has died!??!!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

Those are some really great truths!

Just do me a favor, and let me know BEFORE you use it for the first time.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.

3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

I like the kid’s truths better.  The adult’s truths are … too adult.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing up is mandatory; growing old is optional.  Amen!

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.  No Shit!  What good is all this knowledge and wisdom if nobody bothers to use it?

6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

Still liking the kid’s one better.

Must be a southern girl thing … but if you’re looking for a handsome dragon to help you clean that hay outta that bra …

Studies have shown that intelligent people swear more than stupid motherfuckers.

I have to share this with you guys because it made me laugh like hell.  As many of you know and something I didn’t publish this year because we got some really crappy news on Christmas Eve, but the day before Christmas is my birthday.  And today, the day after Christmas, I have two funny stories about that.  The first is a comment from Dave:

Dave

My birthday was Christmas Eve. I turned 70 and I will tell you, 69 was NOT as much fun as I thought it would be!

Dave, I gotta tell you.  I laughed like hell when I read that.  And I really needed a laugh. 

The second thing was that in today’s mail I got a birthday card from my Dad, Papa Dragon most Senior.  Now, I’m 62 years old now and I thought at first that maybe Dad forgot or couldn’t get out or any number of things, but like I said, I’m an older guy and I don’t worry about birthdays like maybe I used to.  And being 2020 and EVERYTHING that my family had gone through this year, it’s almost getting comical like, okay, what ELSE … you know.  But, it probably was that the mail was just delayed, like I’ve heard from so many other people that it’s been.  I got a very nice card from Dad and inside was tucked a twenty dollar bill. 

I opened it in front of Mrs. Dragon and just laughed and laughed and she said what’s so funny? And I said the thought of an 85 year-old man sending his 62 year-old son a twenty dollar bill for his birthday is just hilarious.  Not that I’m not appreciative, I truly am, but I just think it’s funny.  Love you, Dad.

The perfect headline for today’s America.  Could change it to COVID is nation’s top killer and it would mean the same thing since everyone who dies who has the COVID virus in them or the antibodies is listed as a COVID death to inflate the numbers. 

And speaking of fucked up numbers, here’s an article that was sent to me that I’m going not going to reprint in its entirety in the hopes that the gateway pundit doesn’t get pissed off at me for doing so, but I think it’s important enough for everyone to read, so I will give you the highlights and STRONGLY URGE you all to go and read the very short article.

First of all, here’s the link to the original article:  https://www.thegatewaypundit.com/2020/12/evidence-shows-total-deaths-2020-no-different-prior-years-open-economy-democrats/

And the headline:

More Evidence Shows Total Deaths in 2020 Are No Different Than Prior Years – Open Up the Economy Democrats

A couple weeks ago a study at John’s Hopkins University was taken down because it showed that total deaths in the US in 2020 were no different than prior years.  Today another expert shares the same.

They also talked about how the article from the CDC showing that their own numbers showing that deaths from JUST Corona Virus were only 6% of deaths attributed to Corona Virus was also taken down amongst many other articles also taken down.

And the chart showing deaths:

Deaths in the USA over the years…

2010: 2.5M
2011: 2.5M
2012: 2.5M
2013 :2.6M
2014: 2.6M
2015: 2.7M
2016: 2.7M
2017: 2.8M
2018: 2.8M
2019: 2.9M
2020: 2.5M (as of November)

Where is the massive spike?

(h/t @MillerStream)

— Dr. David Samadi, MD (@drdavidsamadi) December 13, 2020

And their concluding paragraph, which I think, says it all:

Again, there is data that indicates that COVID is not as terrible as China and the US medical professionals would like us to think. This is why this report at Johns Hopkins had to be taken down. It has nothing to do with the truth and everything to do with the message.

What ever happened to just studying and reporting the truth?

Indeed?  Media, news people, you should all be ashamed of yourselves.  Didn’t you take this career to follow the truth?  To uncover lies?  To tell the truth no matter what?  Instead, you sell out?  Aren’t you all so proud of yourselves.  Don’t you feel so proud when you tell your children what you do for a living. 

Yup, that’s about right.

The Dragon Version of Laser Tag

I’ve had a really bad day.  First my ex gets run over by a bus and next I get fired from my job as a bus driver.

So, I was playing chess the other day ….

Here’s another great one.  Ever want to prove to someone why the 2nd Amendment is so important?  Here you go:

Watch this it is interesting and true.

This incident actually happened in 1946 in the USA . Look it up if you don’t believe it.   I was completely unaware of this event that took place in Athens , TN in 1946. I did not know an armed revolt on American soil by WWII veterans ever took place during our lifetime. A very sobering video to say the least.   Now the second amendment should be a little clearer to everyone.This movie lasts less than four minutes and is well worth the time. The production was old fashioned, but it tells a true story. http://voxvocispublicus.homestead.com/Battle-of-Athens.html FACTS: Please do not delete this bit of US History of which many Americans have no knowledge. View it and share it and pray that we will never need such a response to government! Of course the returning soldiers were from the greatest generation.  They didn’t understand “woke”, “toxic masculinity”, “culture appropriation” and all the other modern perverted drama-queen foolishness, and other bull sh*t nonsense of today.

Aftermath of Dragon Laser Tag

Lovable Lucy at Christmas

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at WalMart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do? You’re kidding me!Who would buy that?”

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult.Love Dolls come in many different models.

The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry.

I settled for ‘Lovable Lucy’. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Lucy a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Lucy came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Lucy’s smooth legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy. But had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Lucy should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Lucy the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.”

“Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

“Where are her clothes?” Granny continued.

“Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran” Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless.

“Why doesn’t she have any teeth?”

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, “Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?”

I told him she was Jay’s friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Lucy. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well.

We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Lucy made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to- mouth resuscitation..

My brother fell back laughing over his chair and wet his pants. Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Lucy’s collapse.

We discovered that Lucy had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

Someone just used my driveway to turn around and now I’m standing outside with two cold, open beers and a lonely face.

Wow, what a conundrum!  Okay, Left hand on one side, right hand on the other side and grab the money with my teeth!  Final answer!

Did You Know – A bolt of lightning can heat the air surrounding it to more than 50,000°F  — that’s five times hotter than the surface of the sun!

Just got this from Leah … and I think it’s a great idea!

I just learned of a New Year tradition in Ireland – Shortly after midnight, some people like to open their front door to let the old year out and let the New Year in! A very Irish take on ‘out with the old, in with the new’!

My plan to usher out 2020 at my house?  Open every flippin door and window I can. 

Keith Carney

At 11:59 December 31 we all gotta take a shot and never speak of this year EVER AGAIN

Leah, I agree with you, 100%!

Yup, that would definitely be okay!

YEAH?  Well, maybe coffee is addicted to ME.  Ever think of THAT??

It’s been bloody cold here.  We got a teeny bit of snow, but nothing to speak of.  Another Christmas without snow. Sigh. 

A Quick Note About Motivationals: You’ll notice we’re in the W’s which means we’re almost at the end of my file … again.  I have no problem starting over again in my file, but I’m putting out a call for you guys to send me more.  I’m looking as well.  I know there’s new ones out there.  Send them my way when you find them.

Another New Home COVID Test

1.  Pour a large glass of red wine, try to smell it.

2.  If you can smell the wine then drink it and see if you can taste it.

3.  If you can taste and smell the wine, it confirms you don’t have COVID.

Last night I did the test 19 times and all were negative, thank God!

Tonight I am going to do the test again because this morning I woke up with a headache and feel like I am coming down with something.

 

“You’re the reason this country puts directions on shampoo.”

Bozo criminals for today picked the absolute worst place to try to rob. From Las Vegas, Nevada comes the story of a group of bozos who burst into Mr. D’s bar and proceeded to inform everyone there that this was a holdup. What they didn’t know was that the house band, named Pigs in a Blanket, was made up of off-duty police officers. Not surprisingly, the officers quickly put down their guitars and proceeded to arrest the bozos.

Please be careful on the roads.  Lots of people are drinking excessively and letting their wives drive.

Oh damn!

Hey, I just post them.

My application for membership in the Flat Earth Society was accepted – I’m on top of the world!

All of us have this guy in our family tree somewhere.

And that, my friends, is it for your Monday.  I hope I was able to bring a smile to your face as we wind down 2020 together.  I hope this year can slip out quietly, but it looks like it’s going to go out kicking and screaming.  May you find a little bit of love and laughter today.  Until we meet again.

Good Morning Campers,

Well, Christmas Day has come and gone … that was yesterday and we are marching towards New Year’s Day.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas.  We had an interesting holiday here  at the Dragon residence.  Talked to my son and the Grand Kids, and got a chance to talk to Papa Dragon Most Senior and his wonderful wife.  That was awfully nice.  Spent the day with family.  The day before Christmas, which was my birthday, we had some friends stop by and do a wonderful thing for us.  Which we really needed since we also got some really bad news on my birthday…of course, since it’s still 2020, but that is going to bleed over to 2021 … all the way to August.  But, we keep saying God has always provided and we’ll work this out, too.  More about that another time perhaps.  Since I’m writing this on Christmas Day with my lovely wife taking a nap and Izzy Dragon doing something up in her room that is eliciting a bunch of thumps upstairs … I should really find out what that’s all about … and both dogs napping near my feet, I don’t want to go into personal bad crap right now.

There’s enough stupid shit going on in the real world.  People setting bombs off on Christmas Day.  You guys here about this dump stuff?  Nashville, TN outside the AT&T building, someone parks an RV Thursday night and about 5:30 am Christmas morning there is the sound of gunfire, although when the police investigate no evidence of gunfire.  Then at about 6:15 this RV starts announcing: “Evacuate now.  There is a bomb.  A bomb is in this vehicle and will explode.” and then starts this 15 minute countdown.

And then blows the fuck up! 

And one witness who lived across the street and had her windows blown out on Christmas morning said, “Well, they did give fair warning.”

Okay … is it just me … am I the only one who thinks that, even WITH “fair warning”, you shouldn’t be setting off bombs in people’s neighborhoods?  Or am I just wrong thinking? 

“We gonna be blowin’ your shit up, but we gonna give you fifteen minutes to move outta the way.”  And she thinks that’s okay?  Now, mind you, I’d rather get the warning than NOT get the warning, but still people…WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING????  I gotta know who’s behind this crap and what kind of friggin’ statement they were trying to make.  This is insane.

Anyway … I hope you guys had a nice Christmas at your house.  I got all kinds of wonderful Christmas messages over the BIG Christmas issue that was put out on the 24th.  That was a huge amount of fun to do, even if it took a whole lot out of me.  Don’t expect anything like that for New Year’s…first of all, I don’t have anywhere NEAR that many New Year’s cartoons and second of all, I don’t have anywhere NEAR that much time and third of all, I don’t have anywhere NEAR that much energy and third of all … no … fourth of all … damn, I lost my train of thought … I lost something and don’t have enough of something else.  Let’s just leave it at that.

So, without too much fanfare or further ado, it’s time to get this issue started.  So, as we head into Boxing Day … do you know why it’s Boxing Day?  Well, first of all, Boxing Day won’t REALLY be until Monday because it’s supposed to be the first weekday after Christmas, which this year will be the 28th.  And according to wikipedia, the term Boxing Day MIGHT refer to the alms boxes set up in churches to give to the poor, but the holiday basically celebrates the fact that anyone who might, in some small way, work for you, should, could, and shall expect a small gift from you or Christmas Box.  A gratuity, if you will, for the tradesmen, postal workers, servants, and the like.  So, in-other-words, nobody friggin’ knows where the term Boxing Day came from, but it’s a damn Bank Holiday in England, so … enjoy!

 

Stephanie sends us this article … which may not be that surprising to most of us.

Are Men Idiots Who Do Stupid Things? Study Says Yes

A new study shows what at least some of us might have suspected for a long time: Men are idiots and do stupid things.

Okay … I don’t know about you, but I don’t really need a study to tell me that Men are idiots that do stupid things, but the article is funny and worth reading and here is the link and thanks Stephanie, dear friend.

https://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2014/12/12/370414365/are-men-idiots-who-do-stupid-things-study-says-yes

Does the fertilizer make my hands bigger or give me more hands?  I’m not sure I like it either way?

Well, there’s your explanation, right there.

OMG!  And here’s another great story from … wait for it … Stephanie.  Thank you dear for ANOTHER really good story.  The headline above tells you all, but like any good reporter, Stephanie chases the whole story and here it is:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/02/05/wife-crashes-her-own-funeral-horrifying-her-husband-who-had-paid-have-her-killed/

That is a GREAT prank!

Don’t blame you brother, sounds like you are running out of time.

This next one is from Papa Dragon Most Senior and has some repeats, but some new ones and all funny

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

It’s weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter.  I don’t know how to operate a helicopter.

Chocolate is God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.  Is that true?
Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

If 2020 was a math word-problem:  If you’re going down a river at 2 MPH and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

If you can’t think of a word say “I forgot the English word for it.”  That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

I’m at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

Cronacoaster – noun:  the ups and downs of a pandemic.  One day you’re loving your bubble, doing workouts, baking banana bread and going for long walks, and the next you’re crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don’t even like.

I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.

Don’t be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.  Your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

I’m getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

You don’t realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

We all get heavier as we get older, because there’s a lot more information in our heads. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

That’s my excuse.

Okay, that is sad, scary, and hilarious all at the same time.

Okay, breaking news … although by the time you guys see this, it probably won’t be breaking any more, have any of you guys who live in Nashville seen this RV?  This is the first picture of what the FBI thinks is the RV that had the explosives in it.  I couldn’t find it on line after it was on the TV, so I rewinded the TV and took a picture.

Just figured I’d do my part to get it out there.

Back to the issue.

Amen

A ballsy move to put up this sign, but I applaud them.

We’re going to war!  Time to get the tanks … and stuff!

The past few years {25 – 30} I always felt the news was spoon fed to the masses, to see what they would swallow.
It all becomes a little clearer now.
*YES, the Governor of Michigan used to work for George Soros
* YES , CALIF GOV. GAVIN NEWSOME IS NANCY PELOSI’S NEPHEW.
* YES, ADAM SHIFF’S SISTER IS MARRIED TO GEORGE SOROS’ SON.
* YES, JOHN KERRY’S DAUGHTER IS MARRIED TO A MULLAH’S SON in IRAN
* YES, Hillary’s daughter Chelsea IS married to George Soros’ nephew.
* YES, ABC News executive producer IAN CAMERON is married to SUSAN RICE, Obama’s former National Security Adviser.
* YES, CBS President DAVID RHODES is the brother of BEN RHODES, Obama’s Deputy National Security Adviser for Strategic Communications.
* YES, ABC News correspondent CLAIRE SHIPMAN is married to JAY CARNEY, former Obama White House Press Secretary
* YES, ABC News and Univision reporter MATTHEW JAFFE is married to KATIE HOGAN, Obama’s former Deputy Press Secretary .
* YES, ABC President BEN SHERWOOD is the brother of Elizabeth Sherwood, Obama’s former Special Adviser.
* YES, CNN President VIRGINIA MOSELEY is married to TOM NIDES, former Hillary Clinton’s Deputy Secretary
THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A “STACKED DECK.”
IF YOU HAD A HUNCH THE NEWS SYSTEM WAS SOMEWHAT RIGGED AND YOU COULDN’T PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT, THIS MIGHT HELP YOU SOLVE THE PUZZLE.
This is “Huge” and is a ‘partial’ list since the same incestuous relationship holds true for NBC/MSNBC and most media outlets.
Trump has been right all along. Fake News is generated by this incestuous relationship.
YA THINK THERE MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIAS IN THE NEWS?

And here is a bunch of funny AOC … it’s also a bit scary when you think of how true it might be…

TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.

Who would’ve thought one day we’d be smoking weed at a family gathering, but the illegal part would be the family gathering.

Me:  This show is boring.

Boss:  Again, this is a Zoom conference.

Extraordinarily accurate analysis from a foreign country?  

 

Some people have the vocabulary to sum up things in a way that you can quickly understand them. This quote came from the Czech Republic. Someone over there has it figured out. It was translated into English from an article in a Prague newspaper.

 

 

“The danger to America is not Joseph Biden, but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of a Biden presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Biden, who is a mere symptom of what ails America. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Biden, who is, after all, merely a fool. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools, such as those who made him their president.”

At 12:01 am on January 1, 2021, for the first time ever, Hind Sight will actually be 2020.  Thanks Lynn

Okay, you can’t read this, so I’m going to reprint it here:

Request Type

Inquiry Type Problem
Category Receiving Mail
Topic No Delivery/No Attempt > My Mail Was Delayed

Additional Detail:

How late was your mail:  Over 7 days

Type of Mail Piece: Package

What was the Class of Mail: Priority Mail 3-Day

Additional Information: I paid $110 for PRIORITY and it took EIGHT DAYS to get my parcel from downtown San Francisco to the San Francisco airport, a distance of 14.8 miles.  A turtle could have done that in four days.  Seriously, I looked it up.  An ordinary box turtle cruises 0.17 mph; it could make it from the Rincon Center post office to the cargo terminal of SFO in 87 hours.  The United States Postal Service took 179 hours to make the same trip.

And I had to wait in line at the post office.  There is no line at the turtle store.  I could have popped in, bought a turtle, strapped the parcel to its shell, and it would have gotten there in less than half the time.

Can I get a refund here?  A partial refund?  A complimentary box of turtle food?  Anything?

I laughed so hard at this.  I love this guy. 

There are allegedly around 6.5 million Finns, right?  That’s out of 7.125 billion humans.  That means Finns make up 0.0912% of the planet.

That’s not 9% – that’s point zero nine percent, less than a percent, less than a tenth of a percent.

To put it another way, 99.9% of the planet are not Finns.  How do we know this?  Government censuses.

Now, the best government censuses have a margin of error of a least 1%.  So Finns make up .0912% of the planet, plus or minus one percent.

In conclusion: there is a 50/50 chance Finland doesn’t exist. ~ Perkele

Yeah … me, too.

I love Christmas lights! They remind me of

the people who voted for Biden.

They all hang together, half of them don’t work, and the ones that do, aren’t all that bright.

This was sent to me with the subject line: You’re stupid, but I like you anyway.  Which intrigued me … to say the least.  I am going to reprint the entire email here as an almost finale to this email so I can get it set up for tomorrow… thanks to someone named Sandy who sent it to the person who sent it to me.  I had a lot of fun going through it.

Do Not Cheat:  Answers Below:

Something for seniors to do to keep those aging gray matter cells active…not that YOU’RE that old

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.

What was the third child’s name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

8. What was the President’s name in 1975?

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,

how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

 

 

 

Here are the Answers: (No peeking!)

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.

What was the third child’s name?

Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn’t discovered yet. [You’re not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President’s name in 1975?

Answer: Same as is it now – Donald Trump

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,

how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

 

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.
2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.
3) You can’t breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human..

3) You can’t say the letter ”P” without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn’t want to be alone in the idiot category.

 

TO ALL MY ” INTELLIGENT ” FRIENDS

Keep that brain working; try to figure this one out….

See if you can figure out what these seven words all have in common.

 

1.          Banana
2. Dresser
3. Grammar
4. Potato
5. Revive
6. Uneven
7. Assess

Give it another try….
Look at each word carefully. You’ll kick yourself when you discover the Answer. This is so cool…..

REMEMBER I ONLY SENT THIS TO MY SMART FRIENDS:

No, it is not that they all have at least 2 double letters….
Answer is below!

Answer:
In all of the words listed, if you take the first letter, place it at the end of the word, and then spell the word backwards,

2.          it will be the same word.

Did you figure it out?

No? Then send this to more people and stump them as well.

Then, you’ll feel better too…..!

 

 

 

      Kilroy Was Here:

 

 

And one final thought for the day …

The Difference Between Rich and Poor People

One day, the father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the country with the express purpose of showing him how poor people live.

They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be considered a very poor family.

On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, “How was the trip?”

“It was great, Dad.”

“Did you see how poor people live?” the father asked.

“Oh yeah,” said the son.

“So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?” asked the father.

The son answered, “I saw that we have one dog and they had four.  We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a creek that has no end.  We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at night.  Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.  We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go beyond our sight.  We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.  We buy our food, but they grow theirs.  We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to protect them.”

The boy’s father was speechless then his son added, “Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are.”

Isn’t perspective a wonderful thing?  Makes you wonder what would happen if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about what we don’t have.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!

Thank you my friends.  You make it all worthwhile.  Life is too short and friends are too few.

My Dear and Wonderful Campers,

Tomorrow is the big day!  Happy, happy Christmas Eve!  A wonderful time to spend with family and friends and I can’t think of anyone I’d rather spend it with than all of you!  I have a few days off and I hope to spend that time filling this issue with fun and laughter and maybe … maybe even a few secrets!  Shhhhh!!! 

Okay, so first of all, how many of you noticed that the headerover the last couple of days, wasn’t the same header at all, but the presents kept growing day after day?  Come on.  I was kinda proud of that. 

Oh, and did anyone notice Santa sneaking around the campground last night?  I sure hope not.  Him and I had a couple of clandestine meetings over the last couple of weeks.  Mostly I’ve gone up to see him at the North Pole, but last night he had to come see me and, well, I just hope that none of you caught site of him sneaking around.  None of your kids mentioned him or anything?  Okay, good.

Anyway, today’s issue will mostly be about Christmas, but there will be some other stuff mixed in, too, I’m sure.  Plus, before it’s all over there will probably be some letters and comments from you guys, as well as maybe even some Santa Sightings.  Who knows?  It’s going to be an exciting issue, don’t you think?

  So what do you say we get this party started, shall we?

Some of you guys wondered if there were dragons at the North Pole … well, yeah!  And we have really special jobs, too.

Yeah, but that can be a bad thing, too.  Which is why duct tape is so important to keep in your bedside table.

This next one is not really a Christmas story … but so stupid I just had to pass it along.

Thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who pointed out this story in a recent Ann Landers column. From Salina, Kansas comes the story of several plainclothes police officers who were at a residence conducting a search for illegal drugs. Their task turned out to be tougher than they thought it would be. You see, they kept getting interrupted by all the walk up drug traffic and phone calls from would-be buyers. Finally, the cops called in reinforcements in the form of several officers who parked their marked cars in front of the house. This still didn’t stop the steady stream of bozo drug buyers. Finally, the cops set up an assembly line type operation where they let the bozos in the front door, arrested them and led them out the back door to be carted off to jail.

Stephanie writes and says:  Dear Impish, What animal do they milk to get Mountain Dew?
Dear Stephanie, Those would be the florescent green cows. 

Now, let’s do ….

Isn’t it weird that people living paycheck to paycheck are expected to have months worth of savings for emergencies while billion dollar corporations are so poorly managed that they are on the brink of bankruptcy after a week of reduced profits?
And then they expect a government bailout!

Santa is over-serving the reindeer

People always say, “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.”  … Yeah, but I’ve got my eye fixed on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues.

I’ve been trying to avoid this part, but maybe it’s best to just get it out there and get past it.  Christmas is a melancholy time of year for me and this morning especially it seems, I’ve been brushed by the Ghost of Christmas Past.  Dear friends and family gone … taken too soon.  Seems they’ve all come to pay me a visit this day.  I started to name them here but thought that wasn’t fair … to either them, me or you.  Very teary morning, but something both made it worse and helped it immensely.  Ted sent the following to me called Missing Someone At Christmas.  It’s by one of my favorite all time groups … the Piano Guys.  Although I have no idea why they call themselves the Piano Guys when one plays the Piano and the other the Cello.  But there you have it. 

Anyway, here is Ted’s email, and Ted, I know I said thanks, before, but I’d like to publicly say thanks, believe it or not, as much as this song hit me in the heart, it also went a very long way to putting it back together again.  Thank you!

Missing Someone At Christmas (biggeekdad.com)

Missing Someone At Christmas

The Piano Guys “The Sweetest Gift”, a special song dedicated to those who have lost a loved one. The Christmas holiday can be a wonderful time to spend with family and friends but for many people, it is also a time of grief as they are missing someone very dear to them at Christmas. “The Sweetest Gift” was written by Craig Aven. I hope that you can find comfort and peace by listening to this song.

And in case the link above doesn’t work … here it is again in traditional format:  https://biggeekdad.com/2017/12/missing-someone-christmas/

     

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The last date I had was a court date.

It’s those Chinese hackers!!!

Tinder is for rookies.  Go to Facebook Marketplace and search for wedding dresses.  It’ll show you recently divorced females in your area.  From there you can filter by size.

That’s both wrong and brilliant!

*You follow her*

*She follows back*

*You like a pic of her*

*She likes a pic of you*

*You send her a dick pic*

*She sends one back*

A true love story

My town had a really bad storm two days ago and my neighbor lost the roof of his house and the poor guy doesn’t have insurance.  I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise money so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s going to start construction and I hate being around all that noise.

One of my favorite parts of Christmas and one of the most beautiful things ever said:

Charlie Brown:  I guess you were right, Linus.  I shouldn’t have picked this little tree.  Everything I do turns into a disaster.  I guess I really don’t know what Christmas is all about.  ISN’T THERE ANYONE WHO KNOWS WHAT CHRISTMAS IS ALL ABOUT?!

Linus: Sure Charlie Brown.  I can tell you what Christmas is all about. 

Linus:  Lights please.

Linus:  And there were in the same country shepherds, abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them; and they were sore afraid.  And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord.  And this [Shall be] a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manager.  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men. 

Linus:  That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.

And there isn’t anything more that I can say that Linus didn’t already say.

That’s just wrong!!!  And a bit pervy stalkerish

Stop giving new moms diaper cakes and onesies.

Give those mamas what they need to survive.  Extra strength painkillers, dry shampoo, borderline illegal strength coffee, and ear plugs.

Slap a bow on it if you’re feeling fancy.

Here’s the true meaning of Christmas:

Thanks for sharing that one Dear Stephanie.

Okay, this next one isn’t Christmassy, but it is fucking ingenious, so I’m putting it in … right … HERE:

Now that is a grandson’s love!  And an absolutely brilliant ploy to make sure grandma was alright.  I can sort of understand that the police and fire department are too busy after a hurricane to check on everybody, and spending … what? $20 on a pizza is a cheap way of making sure that Grandma is alright, especially if you’re willing to throw in a nice tip for the driver to bring his cellphone along (which he more than likely had with him anyway) and spend five minutes to let you talk to grandma)… you know, there’s probably a need out there for people to check on loved ones for other people during emergencies.  If we just had an organization to do that… hmmm.

 

 

 

How about some Christmas Puns from Stephanie?

1. How much did Santa’s sleigh cost? It was on the house!
2. What does Santa do when his elves misbehave? He gives them the sack!
3. Why doesn’t Santa use reindeer milk in his coffee? He’s on a deery-free diet!
4. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus!
5. What did Mrs. Claus say to Santa Claus when she looked up in the sky? Looks like rain, dear!
6. Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can “ho ho ho”!
7. What did Santa do when he went speed dating? He pulled a cracker!  Okay, I know what a Christmas Cracker is from when I was stationed in England, but I don’t know what that has to do with Speed Dating?
8. Who do Santa’s helpers call when they’re ill? The National Elf Service!
9. What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck? A Christmas quacker!
10. How you can tell that Santa is real? You can always sense his presents!
11. What do you call a broke Santa? Saint Nickel-less!
12. What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate Clauses!
13. Who delivers presents to cats? Santa Paws!
14. Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
15. Who is Santa’s favourite singer? Elf-is Presley!
16. What’s Santa’s favourite type of music? Wrap!
17. Why don’t you ever see Santa in hospital? Because he has private elf care!
18. What’s Santa’s favourite type of crisps? Kringles!
19. What do you call Santa living at the South Pole? A lost clause!
20. What is Santa’s drag name? Sleigh Queen!
21. What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school? The elf-abet!
22. What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”? Santa walking backwards!
23. Why does Santa go through the chimney? Because it soots him!
24. What do you get if Santa forgets to wear his underpants? Saint Knickerless!
25. What is Santa’s favourite US state to deliver presents? Idaho-ho-ho!
26. What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claus-trophobia!
27. What did Santa say to the smoker? Please don’t smoke, it’s bad for my elf!
28. What does Santa spend his wages on? Jingle bills!
29. What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!
30. What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a knight? One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!
31. How does Santa take pictures? With his Pole-aroid camera!
32. What kind of motorbike does Santa ride? A Holly Davidson!
33. What does Santa do with out of shape elves? Sends them to an elf clinic!
34. Where do Santa and his reindeer go to get hot chocolate while flying in the sky? Star-bucks!
35. What did Santa say to his wife? It’s going to reindeer!
36. What secret society would Santa never be a part of? The Illuminaughty!
37. Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts? That’s just how he presents himself! 

“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin’ book to a bar?”

[My eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls]

Her:  How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?

Me:  I don’t know, half an hour?

Dear Santa,

Please bring me a baby brother.

Love,

Jimmy

Dear Jimmy,

Please send me your mother.

Love,

Santa

This issue is getting huge!  And I’m not anywhere near done with my Christmas file yet!!!  Ha! Ha! Ha! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!

Hey fat dragon, who you calling a ho?

Let’s go, go, go!

Yeah … I’m just a little tired this morning.

Which is why Impish Dragon ain’t getting nuttin’ for Christmas…

Tonight, let’s do something your memory foam mattress will never forget.

Did You Know:  Alcohol increases the size of the “send” button by 89%

Posted a photo of my clean house and it was flagged and removed as “Fake News”

I went to the paint store to get thinner.

It didn’t work.

Being a little older, I am very fortunate to have someone call and check on me everyday.  He is from India and is very concerned about my car warranty.

Bozo criminal for today wins the Bozo Weapon of the Week award. From Oklahoma City, Oklahoma comes the story of bozo Lyle Burton who walked into a convenience store carrying a small snake. Threatening the clerk with the snake, which he said was a dangerous copperhead, our bozo demanded cash. Figuring the snake was not worth much, the clerk gave our bozo $40 and a pack of cigarettes, calling the cops as soon as he was out the door. The police were nearby and quickly arrested the bozo and his snake, which turned out to be harmless.  The part that cracked me up was “Figuring the snake was not worth much …” are we rating the criminals now on what their firepower is worth when they come in the door?  A .45 is gonna get you more cash than a .22?  LOL!

Lynn’s List of Things She’s Super Good At:

1.  Forgetting someone’s name 30 seconds after they tell me.  Yup, I’m super good at that one, too, Lynn.

2.  Running.  Late, that is.

3.  Making plans … then regretting making plans.

4.  Thinking of a great comeback line – an hour later.

5.  Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.  That’s another one I’m good at.

6.  Adding items to online carts.  Then deleting.  After waffling about it for an hour. Yeah …

7.  Googling my ailments.  Then panicking.

8.  Leaving laundry to wrinkle in the dryer.  Aren’t we all Super Good at that?

9.  Forgetting why I walked into the room.  No comment.

10.  Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “Fall asleep right now.”  That’s my favorite game show that plays in my head almost every night.

It’s an old joke, but it’s a good one … with a good moral at the end.

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS.
and bought a mule for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.
The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows,
I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”
Curtis & Leroy replied,”Well, then just give us our money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”
The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a
dead mule?”
Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”
Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody
he’s dead!”
A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy
at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.
“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”
They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”
Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars
apiece and made a profit of $998.”
The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”
Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset.  So we gave
him his two dollars back.”
Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.
They’re overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.
Limit all US. politicians to two terms.
One in office
One in prison

The Casinos are now offering curbside pickup.  Call ahead and they come out and take your money right from your car.

I’m so high I went to Target because why not.  I reached for some cookie dough and so did someone else at the same time.  I said, “Sorry, you can go ahead” to only realize I had just seen my own arm in the mirror and I apologized to myself … I’m going home.

What do you call a Christmas wreath made with $100 bills?

Aretha Franklins

Apparently, walking around WalMart with an Alka-Seltzer in my mouth yelling, “THE VACCINE ISN’T WORKING” isn’t funny.

Got a flat tire … pulled over to change it.  Stupid guy says, “Did your tire go flat?” I said, “No, I was driving along and the other 3 just swelled up!”

I’m going to share this as fair warning to the rest of you…it is the God’s Honest Truth and should not be taken lightly …

A man reaches a certain age where he doesn’t want any drama.  He doesn’t want to fight anyone – and if force to, he will not fight fair.  He will not quit and there are now weapons he will not use.

It’s best to leave him alone with his coffee, bourbon and cigars.  Don’t poke the old men.  They will hurt you.

The problem is … the friggin’ government doesn’t realize that there are more and more of us “old men” now than there ever have been before.  And we just want to be left alone and they just won’t stop poking us.

I see penguins with Santa in Christmas displays.  Since penguins only live in the South Pole, would Christmas penguins be Bipolar?

Did You Know:  A Polar Bear’s liver contains so much Vitamin A that eating a small amount can kill a human being.

I dig,
You dig,
We dig,
He dig,
She dig,
They dig…

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

If you say something is “indescribable”, you’re describing it.

I just got a Christmas present in the (e) mail:

Impish,

What comes after super?

Extra Super? Whatever, you nailed it. You are a key component to what’s left of my quarantined mental health. Greatly appreciated!

…Joe in NJ

Thank you, Joe.  That really means a lot to me.  More than I can even say.

Here’s another comment from Leah:

Leah D

I am so relieved! I’m slow I know (started falling into a song) but I hadn’t made the connection your numerous work hours are because of limits in the classroom. Until I understood that, I have been quaking in my boots, wondering what you know that we don’t know about why we need so many trained in survival skills.
However, speaking of being relieved . . . once they are in that suit (I watched the video) how do they pee?
On Sunday, we drove North to deliver gifts, made porch deliveries to three different homes. Had planned on driving up the mountain to deliver to my sister . . . but I had to pee! I decided there was no ‘safe’ place, so we came home instead.
I emailed my two sisters and brother (the crappy one) saying we wouldn’t be delivering to them, because 180 miles out, and the same back, will take too long for me to hold it, so since there is no ‘safe’ place to pee . . .
A friend of mine said if she has to be out of the house more than two hours, we wears diapers. NO! I am not going there!
PS, I stole some of what you said, and posted it in FB.

Well, Leah, maybe I didn’t make it clear, but there is nothing new going on with training people in survival skills.  It is a recurring requirement that everyone in the military has to take part in so they don’t lose those skills.  So, it’s nothing new.  They all have to do it over and over again.  Call it job security on my part.  And as to how do you pee in those suits …. you don’t.  Normally that’s not a problem.  You allow yourself to become just a tiny bit dehydrated and your body doesn’t have to pee.  You just keep hydrating yourself to the point of slight dehydration.  My personal record is 13 1/2 hours in MOPP 4 without a break and I didn’t have to pee once.  Only drinking water through the mask by a canteen.  Realistically, there is a 12 step process for peeing in the suit, but it’s such a pain that nobody does it.  Those of us who have been doing this for a while learn to balance our internal hydraulics and sweat it out rather than pee it out.

PS … you can’t steal my stuff, since all of my stuff is already stolen.

 

Here’s one from Marsha:

Marsha M

After working 6 days straight my boss had the nerve to say I was being a little negative…I told him he was lucky…cause if I was positive right now he would be paying me and giving me 2 weeks home alone….I do have 24th and 25th off then 6 more to do… starting to want a close encounter so I can quarantine. Would like to purge every room in my house. Ya all be safe out there. Wear your mask and wash your hands…MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A lot of people taking the close encounter two week vacation around here, Marsha.  Maybe you ought to try it yourself.  And a Merry Christmas to you, too.

Stephanie

I appreciate the ..If you look for me….” letter. Just imagine how peaceful if we all followed His teachings. No liars, thieves, or people abandoned. Loving all and being servants to each other.
I feel sorry about your accident, but ice slides happen. Myself and another lady were once in a wreck and neither one of us were anywhere near our cars. We were both at work.

Now, that sounds like an icy parking lot!

Bozo criminal for today probably should have just used his weapon for lunch. From Nashville, Tennessee comes the story of bozo Leonard Feldman who walked into a bank, pointed a small silver object at the teller and told her to hand over all the cash. If she didn’t, our bozo told her, he would set off the bomb he was carrying. While he got away with a small amount of cash, the police quickly caught up with him and his bomb. That silver object he called a bomb turned out to be a hot dog wrapped in aluminum foil.

Let’s take a second to say thank you to Carlos W. for your Christmas donation.  It was very thoughtful and quite timely as well.  Thank you very much, my friend.

I have never before attempted an issue this huge!  This ought to be quite interesting when it it all said and done.  I have a few more cartoons that I want to put in here before it is all said and done, so let’s see if we can’t squeeze them in before we call this an issue and then see if the website will take it, shall we?

This one is from Ted with my deepest thanks:

US Air Force Band as a flash mob at DC’s Union Station.

This is what Christmas was like before COVID.   Hard to remember that long ago ……

Jingle Bells like you have never heard it before!  

https://www.youtube.com/embed/ khQN5ylb3H0?rel=0

Click on the link … it is WELL worth your time!

My good friend is a hypochondriac.  What can I give this woman who has everything?

And that, my dearest friends and loving family, brings me to the end of this incredible Christmas extravaganza!  I truly hope it loads like it should and that all of you get this gift that I have created for you.  I would guess that there is probably 12 hours or so of work put into this issue…so I hope you enjoy. 

So, Merry Christmas my dear, Campers.  My Love to you all.  Thank you for your support all year and may you all have a truly wonderful and blessed holiday.