Good Morning Campers,

Well, here it is … New Year’s Eve!  It’s finally almost over!  The fucked up year of fucked up years!  All I can say is, 2021 HAS GOT TO BE BETTER!  Please, God, make 2021 better.  We are all begging you.  On our knees, praying!  Please, please, please make it better!  Personally, I’ve already gotten news that will screw me up for most of 2021, but if nothing else comes up, I should be okay … if a little short for most of the year.  But, I’m choosing to think of that as something that happened in 2020 that is just effecting (affecting?) 2021.

So … Let’s get this new year started the right way and say:

There was this guy who was looking for the best Hollandaise sauce,

and a friend suggested he look in Nome, Alaska. 

When questioned why in Nome the friend replied,

“Everyone knows that there is

no place like Nome for the Hollandaise.”

The problem with 10:30 PM is that it comes exactly one minute before 2:30 AM if you’re not very careful.

The most scary part about this … is you’re going to be in charge of another human being.  And it sounds like your husband isn’t any smarter than you are. 

Check on your friends with toddlers.  The toddlers are winning.  Send help.

INVITATION

We are hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach an orgasm.

If you can’t come let me know.

Some people call me crazy.  I prefer the term happy with a twist.

 

If you have an opinion about my life, please raise your hand.

Now put it over your mouth.

You ever be tryin’ to take a nap and the damn neighbors show up and want to party?

Need to fire the entire advertising department.

Let your smile change the world, but don’t

let the world change your smile

The Bozo criminal this morning comes from Denver, Colorado. Our Bozo walks into a self serve convenience store/gas station and demands money, which the attendant hands over without a fuss. The Bozo then hurries out the door to his getaway car. As he opens the door to get in, his dog, who had been waiting in the car, jumps out and begins looking for the nearest fireplug. After several attempts to coax the dog back into the car, the bozo speeds away leaving the dog behind. Within moments, the police arrive and find the dog perfectly content to let them scratch his ears and read his dog tag, which contained the name, address and phone number of our soon to be captured bozo criminal.

There is attitude, and then there is a positive attitude!

“Life is not the way it’s supposed to be – it’s the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the US Air Force pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital in a lot of pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a pilot, but an Air Force pilot, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word:

“You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply,

“Can I feel your tits, then?”

And that, my friends, is a real positive attitude!

I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese

Sad news!  I broke up with my girlfriend, Lorraine.  She found out I was seeing another girl, Claire Lee.  Good news though!  I can see Clare Lee now, Lorraine is gone!

“If I told you once, I told you a thousand times, stop leaving dirty dishes in the sink!”

I’m so confused when people don’t drink coffee.  What do you do?  Get an appropriate amount of sleep?

Weirdo.

Happy black Friday!  When I worked at Old Navy on this date almost 10 years ago, I had a 103 fever and they said I would be fired if I left, so I had to stand there with my co-worker who they wouldn’t let go home either, after she found out her sister had been murdered.

Sounds like a real family oriented company.

The lights in my house were flickering and my dad said, “What’s draining the lights?”  And I said, “It’s me, I’m getting stronger.”  Then the lights went out.  My dad is a bit scared of me now.

I found out that saying, “There, there little girl” to a pissed off grown man only makes things worse…really worse.

Teenager For Sale

Fully equipped with rolling eyes, deep sighs, and sarcastic comments.  Plays video games and texts 200 WPM.  No reasonable offer will be refused.

And that’s it my friends.  We’re off to see our friends and count this shit done!!!!  May your year end with a smile, may your new year be filled with joy and love and happiness.  Know that you are all special and loved by me and Mrs. Dragon and that we want only the very best for you.

Happy New Year!