Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s Friday night and I’m just now getting to start this issue, so I’m not sure when it’s going to be done.  It’s been a tough couple of days for me…personally, professionally, emotionally, you name it and it’s been going on.  AND I have a really long weekend ahead of me work-wise, so … you see what I’m saying here.

Are you pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down?

I actually backed out of a dart tournament tonight … I NEVER back out of a dart tournament.  Especially because I’m the league tournament director.  But, I just can’t do it tonight, not the least of which is because I have to be at work at Oh-dark-hundred in the morning…but mostly because there is just too much going on right now. 

Anyway, you guys don’t want to hear what’s going on with me, so let’s get to the fun stuff, cause there’s enough bullshit going on out there for us to battle that there might not be enough jokes to laugh at in the whole world to hold this crap load at bay.

 

In spite of the brutal hate display by Queen Pelousy and her ilk, this is exactly how I feel about it. One day I hope justice is served to her on a silver platter. 



My days on earth are numbered;  But before I fade away, there is something important I need to say. It may not be important to anyone else; but it’s important to me.

Win, lose or fraud…President Trump. I just want to say thank you for the last four years.

Thank you for making it cool to be an American again.

Thank you for showing us that we don’t need to be under China’s thumb anymore economically, or any other way.

Thank you for one of the strongest economies we’ve ever experienced in my lifetime. Thank you for all you have done for the minority communities, and the outstanding decrease in the unemployment rate you had.

Thank you for making it feel good to love our country and to be a proud patriot again. Thank you for supporting our Nation’s flag and the men and women who fought for the freedom that stands behind that flag.

Thank you for supporting our nation’s law enforcement organizations, and understanding how difficult their job really is.

Thank you for quelling the flood of illegal immigration, and bringing to justice the thousands of criminals that flood brought us.

Thank you for giving corporations a reason to come back to America to make our own products and put Americans back to work.

Thank you for bringing our troops home from endless deployments that presented us with little more than body bags; and for your commitment to strengthen our military.

Thank you for operation warp speed and keeping your promise in bringing the Covid 19 vaccine to us in less than a year.

Thank you for your never-ending attempts at bringing peace to the Middle East and your support for Israel.

Thank you for your Tax relief, and thank you for our energy independence. Most of all though…

THANK YOU for taking a damn rotten job that you never had to take!!

Thank you for caring enough for this country to want to try and make a difference.

Thank you for showing America how little Career Politicians actually work for their constituents; and for showing us how much those politicians despise you for showing America how easy it is to build a great nation, rather than rape her to line their own pockets and stock portfolios.

Thank you for allowing us to experience a President that wasn’t a lifelong politician, but a lifelong American.

THANK YOU MR PRESIDENT….. WE DID OUR BEST…. 

I truly wish I had written this, it is well written and eloquently said.  Thanks to whoever did write it and thanks to Bill E for sending it my way.

Our Aussie buddy Peter writes:

I watch the newscasts about America and find it all hard to believe. 

It’s like I’ve tuned into a movie like ‘LONDON HAS FALLEN’  half-way through, with road-blocks and armed soldiers pouring into cities.

What do you think will happen in a couple of days?

Peter.       

Peter, I wish I had an answer for you.  It’s crazy over here right now.  I understand that ANTIFA is rioting in some cities even though Biden has been elected.  I figured that shit would have quit but apparently, they don’t need a reason to burn down a Starbucks.  The democrats don’t trust the military and things are going to get more crazy before they settle down.  I don’t like to be a fortuneteller, because right now, no one will be happy if I read their palm, but … hang on to your popcorn, this movie is just getting started.

Okay, you guys have to watch this one, it is hilarious.  This poor cop pulls over a guy and finds his own wife cheating on him in the passenger seat: https://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/cop-catches-his-own-wife-cheating/86547070/

Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the first moment that yu want to spend your whole without them.

Respect the red, white, and blue

We found out recently that President Trump left a letter for Biden, a long tradition between presidents.  Dragon Laffs have exclusively received a copy of the letter and we’re going to share it with you, are faithful campers:

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Bozo criminals for today come from Oxnard, California where four men were arrested for trying to pass counterfeit money. Our bozos, ages18-22, were on a guys night out and decided to visit a gentleman’s club for a little entertainment. To impress the girls, they were passing out the fake bills rather freely. As luck would have it, one of the dancers who received a $100 tip from the bozos works during the day as a bank teller and can spot a phony bill in her sleep. She called the cops who arrested the bozos before they even left the club.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow, she’s been leaving jewelry catalogues all over the house, so I’ve bought her a magazine rack.

Yeah … you’ll be fine.

Many thanks to several Bozo News Hawks who alerted us to this bozo story. From Wilmington, Delaware comes the story of bozo Wayne Jones who held up a bank, getting away with a substantial amount of cash. Moments after leaving the bank with his loot, the red dye pack inside the bozo’s cash sack exploded, spraying dye all over the money and all over the bozo’s hand and arm. A few minutes later, an officer searching for the suspect noticed our bozo standing outside an apartment building. As it happened, the officer and the bozo knew each other, which is why our bozo raised his hand and waved at the officer. The same hand that was stained with fluorescent dye. He’s been provided with a nice clean cell with plenty of soap and water.

I would trust Pee Wee Herman sitting behind me in a movie theater, while out on a date with OJ Simpson, after eating dinner at Jeffery Dahmer’s house, and having drinks at Bill Cosby’s Bar with Flint Michigan Ice Cubes, all while Case Anthony was babysitting my children before I would trust the democrats counting votes …

Here’s our problem in a nutshell:  The US Constitution is a document that was written as an instrument to be used to restrain the actions of the government.  For the last 120 years or so, the people in government, especially the liberals, have not agreed that they should be restrained by “We The People” and believe that they should have the free power to restrain “We The People” instead.

We have sat by, as a nation, for all those years and let them slowly misinterpret, dismiss, and rewrite the Constitution to a point where we now just roll over because the power hungry have infiltrated all levels of our government and institutions and are now to the point where they believe they alone are masters of the country and will punish any who disagree …

… AND WE HAVE LET THEM DO IT! …

Thanks to Sasquatch for sending that one along …

The party that believes I should feel guilty based on the color my my skin wants me to “Unite” with them?  I don’t think so!

I had someone ask me the other day, “How do you know which side are the good guys?”  I told her it’s usually the side that doesn’t support burning buildings, erasing history, attacking the police, race baiting, taking away your rights, and silencing free speech.

And there it is Campers!!!!

I do not condone the breaching of the Capitol Building by any means.  It was wrong on many levels.  BUT!!  I you did NOT condemn, AND in fact condoned and encouraged the BLM and ANTIFA Riots, Murders, Lootings, and Destruction of American Cities and Business Owners, AND backed the dropping of charges and release of those responsible for those crimes – YOU ARE THE PROBLEM!!

Okay, so this issue is turning out A LOT more political than I thought … but I just publish what I get and I’m trying to put enough together for an issue for tomorrow before I fall asleep …. so …. deal with it.

LOL!

How Can You Tell The Truth Is Being Told?

Well, when …
Facebook blocks it,
Twitter deletes it,
Google hides it,
YouTube bans it,
The Media censors it,
And your Government forbids it.

“Fact Checkers” didn’t exist until the Truth

started getting out.

And to show you how much I am appreciated around the world … there’s this one:

There are two types of Biden supporters:

Billionaires and Idiots … Check your bank account to see which one you are.

All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the bottom.  For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

And this is what happens when you DON’T honor me!!!

Washington Post columnist Eugene Robinson and New York Times Magazine’s Nikole Hannah-Jones, who agreed that there is a need for “millions of Americans, almost all white, almost all Republicans” to be “deprogrammed” and punished before the country should “move on to reconciliation.“

“There are millions of Americans, almost all white, almost all Republicans, who somehow need to be deprogrammed. It’s as if they are members of a cult, the Trumpist cult, and have to be deprogrammed,” Robinson said on MSNBC Tuesday.

Deprogrammed and Punished … come try motherfucker!

And I’m afraid that’s it my friends.  Good Night.  It’s an issue.  It’s not much of an issue, but it’s an issue.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon.

 

Well, it’s Thursday, and we’ve made it through most of another week…at least at this point I’m assuming we have made it through most of another week, since I’ve actually started writing this on Sunday afternoon.  So, really, I’m only guessing. 

Yeah, just ‘cause it’s a cool picture.  Sometimes, that’s all the reason that’s needed.

“Um… NASA, we’ve got a problem.”

As a professional caregiver, I help invalids and elderly people with their housework.  One day I remarked to an elderly couple that there never seemed to be any dust in their house.

“No,” replied the husband, sadly, “we don’t move fast enough to stir any up.”

Obviously written by a police officer:  Unless you’ve been a cop all alone with a suspect in the middle of the night in a fight for your life and you’re being punched, kicked, bit, and you’re exhausted … you’re opinion on police use of force means very little to me.  And as a dispatcher who’s had to listen to intermittent radio transmissions of the same and had to sit there and been able to do nothing but try to send help, I agree 100%.  I don’t even want to HEAR your opinion.

Why are armed citizens standing guard over their property called “vigilantes” but rioting anarchists called “peaceful protesters”?  And actual peaceful Protesters called a “rioting mob”?

In my next life I’m coming back with money and looks instead of all this sparkling personality bullshit

“My precious …”

Even as a youngster, I was a good actor.

Someone asked the other day,,,,,,,,,,,,,

‘What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up ?’

‘We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up,’  I informed him,  ‘All the food was slow.’

‘C’mon, seriously. Where did you eat?’

‘It was a place called home,’ I explained!

‘Mom cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn’t like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.’

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn’t tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.

My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow) .

We didn’t have a television in our house until I was 10. It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people 

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn’t know weren’t already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home… But milk was and so was bread.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers —   my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up at   5 AM   every morning.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don’t blame me if they bust their gut laughing   .

Growing up isn’t what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES   :

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother’s house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to ‘sprinkle’ clothes with because we didn’t have steam irons. Man, I am old   .

How many do you remember?
-Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
-Ignition switches on the dashboard.
-Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
-Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
-Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz:
Count all the ones that you remember, NOT  the ones you were told about!
Ratings at the bottom.

1. Candy cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4. Party lines on the telephones
5. Newsreels before the movie
6. TV  test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3 channels!! If you had a TV!!
7. Pea-shooters
8. Howdy Doody
9. 45 RPM records
10. 78 rpm records
11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm
12. Metal ice trays with lever
13. Blue flashbulb
14. Cork popguns
15. Studebakers
16. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don’t tell your age, and
If you remembered 11-16   =   You’re older than dirt!!!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Okay, … yeah … I’m older than dirt.

Linda plays on our company’s Lacrosse team.  Here she is during last year’s final.  And I’ll tell you, there’s none of that bullshit kneeling before one of their matches.  Although there is a ritual sacrifice to the gods… usually a local politician.

Damn!  It’s cold outside!

This next one is truly awesome that the establishment is willing to take care of it’s patrons this way.  This is not the only sign that I have seen like this…

And our dear Stephanie has compiled another great list for us …

Things you learn in Porn films

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy when rooting.

11. People in the 70’s couldn’t shag unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman’s butt.

14. Men always groan “OH YEAH!” when they cum. If there is two of them they “high five” each other. (and the girl isn’t disgusted!)

I’m really curious what happened to #15…

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don’t exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won’t bash seven shades of shit out of you if you shove your cock in his girlfriend’s mouth.

19. There’s a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patients cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she’ll only be momentarily pissed off before fucking the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches… or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man’s cock, it’s important for him to remind her to “suck it”.

26. Arseholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman’s butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man’s trousers and find a cock there.

29. Men don’t have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman’s head and the other proudly on his hip.

Viagra Commercial

The guy comes home, he’s rushing around, he’s cleaning the house, he’s cooking dinner, he’s setting the table, he’s putting flowers and candles out before his wife gets home.

Don’t you think that most women watching that commercial say, “The hell with the sex. Where can I get a pill to make my husband to do all of that?”

Feel like that last one ought to be a header at the top of blog somewhere.

No shit.  There are a million plus Vets that just said, “Fuck you, lady” at the same time.

AMEN!!!  To these athletes thinking we are listening to them:  IF I WANTED ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO CHASES A BALL, I’D ASK MY DOG. 

And one of my absolute favorite and most honest ones…

And if you don’t believe that those two are two of the biggest racist to walk the face of the earth … than you ain’t payin’ attention, Jack!

An oldie but goodie …

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up tot the balding man and asks him what he is doing.  The mans says, “I’m sending out a thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess Who?’”

“But why?” asks the man.

“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.

Got this one …

Being a dragon, I am sure that you are aware of your chances of dating.

Three sisters were discussing their boy friend’s tattoos.

The oldest girl said that she loved her man’s three dragons on his chest. 

The middle one was impressed with her guy’s two dragons on his back.

The youngest sister said she adored her lover’s one dragin…… on the ground.

Have a great, safe day.

All the best.

Bill

Thanks Bill … Us dragons are known for our many wondrous things…

Okay, here’s another one sent by our dear Stephanie … not sure where she gets them…but here it is:

Sorely Missed Victorian Slang:

8.  Gigglemug = Always Smiling

7.  Bitch The Pot = Pour the Tea

6.  Got The Morbs = Temporary Sadness

5.  Tight as a Boiled Owl = Drunk

4.  Poked Up = Embarrassed

3.  Sauce-box = The Mouth

2.  Cupid’s Kettle Drums = The Breasts (I especially like this one)

1.  Not Up To Dick = Unwell

Aha!  I figured it out!  Stephanie is a witch!  She sent us one of her spells:

Rootin’, tootin’, toil n’ shootin’
Fire burn and cowboy bootin’
Eye of newt and spicy beans,
Toe of frog and denim jeans,
Whiskey, grits, n’ demon spittle
Tossed into my iron griddle
With the tannin’ of our hides,
Somethin’ wicked this way rides.

Bought a head of lettuce from a small grocery store called Mommas and Papas.  Can’t eat it because all the leaves are brown.

And again … if you don’t get it, you’re too young.

from the Golden State…
The California Highway Patrol in the Los Angeles area recently found some amusement filling out accident reports in a series of car accidents. 
As it turned out, drivers were losing control and running into other vehicles upon seeing a giant female pussy displayed on the front part of an oncoming car.
The CHP started frantically looking for the dangerous mobile pubis and came upon the tracks of a young art student named Nelly Node. Nelly’s passion for the arts made the young woman photograph her own crotch and put the enlarged photo on her Volkswagen Beetle.
Nelly was preparing for her college course work in which she analyzed the art of design. She was proudly driving her ‘vaginal beetle’ until the CHP arrested the woman. The court ruled that Nelly’s car was creating a dangerous situation on the roads. The girl had to paint over her car’s hood.
Here’s a picture of her VW before she had to repaint it.
She, obviously, “Muffed” her chance at fame … Thank god it got “Snatched” off the road by the “Fuzz” before someone else had a needless “Crack” up…

I’m so poor, I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt.  When people say, “Oh you smell good, what is that?”  I say, “Page 14.”

So, we’ve reached the end of another issue and I’ve purposely waited until the afternoon of the swearing in of Biden to write this.  Thankfully, there was no riot, or assassination attempt, or misfire by a misguided National Guardsman, or anything else of a million other things that could have gone wrong … at least as of 1700 hrs EST or that I’ve heard of.  There have been rumors of horrible things to come.  Biden has already said he’s going to dismantle so many wonderful things that President Trump put into place.  I hope we can survive the next four years.

Well, it probably won’t be four years of Biden.  I still stick by my prediction of Biden getting “sick” or “incapable of serving” or something and us having “president Harris and vice president Pelosi” or someone worse. 

They are going to come for our guns.  They are going to … at the least, stop work on the wall, if not tear it down.  Take away our tax breaks, and probably raise taxes on us poor slobs that are still working to pay for all the free shit that they are going to give to the ones too lazy to work.

Here’s what Hank had to say:

Hank H.

Your rants echo my thoughts precisely. I am within spitting distance of being 80. I worry my children, Grandchildren, and Great children will not live in the America I have loved.

I know Hank.  The same thoughts that I have.  I’m afraid that ship has already sailed.  Our kids are already not having the life that we had when we were kids and now, our grandkids may not have any kind of life at all.

And Stephanie adds:

Stephanie

In reply to Hank H

I have the same fear. Tried to tell my kids about it, they didn’t/don’t believe. God tells us to pray and He will heal our land. We need a revival.

My dearest Steph, I have prayed, we have prayed (I belong to a group) and I know many of you belong to groups and pray on your own.  I’m not saying that we should stop, but maybe all of this is part of God’s plan… or his punishment.  Before I get a million emails telling me God doesn’t punish, I know, I know … we are NOT going to start a religious debate here in Dragon Laffs because many of you will NOT be able to WITHSTAND THIS DRAGON’S BELIEFS.  So, let it be.  But, prayer at this point in time by all of you, and conversations with your Heavenly Father are not out of line.

And it wouldn’t be a comment section without hearing from our dear friend Leah …

Leah D

Trump is slated to be assassinated. Simply impeaching him, takes away what any retiring president receives. However, because of Former Presidents Act of 1958, he will still be protected by the Secret Service. That’s why Nancy is pushing for a vote of Treason, because then he wouldn’t be protected by them. Some say he is rich, he will hire his own body guards. But you, oh divine leader of the dragon cult, know what’s wrong about that . . . the Secret Service has connections to all the information, body guards don’t.
I remember the McCarthy era, a black time! We came out of that. I still have a slim hope for our future.
Which reminds me, fat chance is not the same as slim chance. Fat chance is basically translated as No Way In Hell, whereas Slim chance means, Can’t See It Happening, But Maybe It Will. Anyone who wants to dispute that, must be 73 or older, or you will just be labeled green behind your ears.

Leah, sweets, I see your point.  And see the validity in it.  I also know that the Wicked Witch of the West wants no chance of President Trump coming back in the future, so at a minimum the Bitch Pelosi will not let go of impeachment.  

And as an Ancient Blue Dragon, I do, indeed, know the difference, implied and inferred, between slim chance and fat chance.

And finally, let’s hear from Brian, who offers a much more extreme version of our near future:

Brian T

My sources are saying to make sure all your vehicles are fully gassed, pantry fully stocked, buy as much ammo as you can, get a generator and MANY cans of fuel. Things are about to get real ugly and we may be going back to living like it was 100 years ago. Candles and alternate cooking methods will also help. By the way, I have been reading all your e-zines since at least 2010ish??? I still see some pics or cartoons that I sent (back when I still had some hair). When you have a paid day off don’t call it vacation. Being that we are close to the same age we have a practice retirement!!

Brian, I hope you are wrong … or at least a bit on the pessimistic side.  I’m too old to play those silly games.  I am prepared to fight to the last bullet … which in my case might take quite a friggin’ while as I have a substantial supply, and I am prepared to go out that way as I will NOT surrender my 2nd amendment rights. But, I don’t want to cook squirrel on the damn grill.

Thanks for being such a loyal reader.  I know there are several of you out there who’ve been with me for the long haul.  I hope I haven’t disappointed over the years … and I guess I haven’t or you wouldn’t still be here.  And the paid day off … well, to me, it’s just a deserved day.

My guess is that now we’ll just have to put our heads down for a while and get through this.  American perseverance will win the day, as it always does, and this too will pass.  We will figure out a way for the next election to be a legitimate one and we will get our country back.

So … until next time my dear friends … oh, and by the way I am going to try to make next time this Saturday, but got a couple of shitty days ahead of me, so if it’s not Saturday, don’t freak out and worry about me.  I’ll keep you guys in the loop via phone message like I have in the past, but if I can’t make it Saturday I will be as close behind that as I can be, but I am working and teaching this weekend … so …

Love and happiness to you all.

Good Morning Campers,

Happy Monday!  Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!  It’s Saturday morning and while you guys are reading the last issue, I’m working on this one.    Really crappy night’s sleep last night, so I find myself this morning chanting to my coffee, “Come on, you sexy bitch.  Do your magic!” 

But, so far … nuthin’.

Anyway, it’s early in the morning.  6 am.  And I crawled out to the living room and there’s Mrs. Dragon, watching her murdery shows, her not being able to sleep again last night.  And she gives me this look, like, they may not have been able to get away with it on TV, but I’ll bet I could.  Like it was a challenge or something.  I really gotta get that channel taken off the TV.

But, it’s the weekend.  Got a darts tournament today, got a couple of days off, and got time to spend with you guys.  All is well with the world.  At least this tiny corner of it.  And at least for now.  And that’s all any of us can really ask for, right?  Live in the moment and live for now.  Enjoy what we have, while we have it, right?  And battle the bullshit with laughter!  WhoooAhhh!!!   So, let’s do this!

Instead of asking me to shut his bedroom door so the hallway nightlight didn’t keep him up last night, my son asked me to shut his door “to let the darkness in.”

I watched my dad and my niece (3 at the time) arguing over a pair of pants and whether or not they were also a dress.  My niece’s argument was that they were, in fact, also a dress because they were blue.

Oh come on!  It’s a math joke.

Okay, we haven’t done these for a while …

Most people think that T-Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they are dead.

 

Go ahead.  Try it.  See how that works out for you…

Due to my isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday.  And believe me, that’s a lot of coloring.

And speaking of books, I’m up to 96 since April 1st of last year … let’s see, that’s 96 books in 296 days or 1 book every 3.08 days.  Damn!  I’ve slowed down!  I’m on track to read 118 books in a year.  My original goal was to read 100 books in a year and I was on track to read 120, now it looks like 118, but on April 1st of 2021 I guess we’ll see.

So, It’s not 100% Impish Dragon, I did modify something that was sent to me by someone else, but I did add to it, put it under the picture and the previous person did not put their name to it, so I did.

Guys are starting to line up for their Corona shots …

My sister-in-laws, Clotho, Lachesis, and Atropos … also known as the three fates.

4 Things You Can’t Get Back:

The stone after it’s thrown.

The word after it’s said.

The occasion after it’s missed.

The time after it’s gone.

If common sense was lard, most people wouldn’t be able to grease a pan.

I get that one … a lot!

Wife:  Can you stop yawning when I’m talking to you?

Husband:  I’m not yawning, I’m trying to say something!

Ever look at someone and think, “Why has no one hit you with a shovel yet?”

All the fucking time.

OUCH!

And that’s the end of my Motivational Posters…so that means in the near future, I’ll start all over again, for the second time in fifteen years.  That’s a crap load of Motivational Posters.  2,526 of them to be exact.

Okay … and in the category of

And here is the rest of the article … https://worldnewsdailyreport.com/ohio-woman-accused-of-trying-to-steal-a-christmas-tree-by-hiding-it-in-her-vagina/

And okay …. say it with me …

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving. The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insisted upon listening to their voice mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally)?

It can be really irritating.  There was this fellow in my office who was the ultimate offender.  I found a fairly easy fix for that, though.

Have a female friend call his desk when he’s not there and leave a message like this:  “Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE.  You haven’t paid for the ‘toys’ we sent you, you naughty boy.  You wouldn’t want us to come over there and spank you, would you?”

It’s the last time you hear that particular speakerphone, I can assure you.

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously “erased.”

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

This morning my son said his ear hurt and I said in the inside or the outside.  So, he walks out the front door, comes back in and says both.  Moments like this got me wondering if I’m saving too much for college.

This chef on TV just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”  I know he was talking about food, but I still took it as a compliment.

I’ve gotten some really interesting comments from you guys, so let’s use those as an impetus into today’s …

TOM H

By the way, that statue of Liberty is not right either, the torch on the true statue is in the right hand, in the picture it shows it in the left hand. Maybe a subtle clue as to who wants an armed march on the capitols?

Yup, there’s a lot of little clues.  It’s like they want us to figure it out…or they are poking fun at us for not figuring it out.  Or even telling us, we know you know who it is, but there’s nothing you can do about it.  Drives me crazy.

Stephanie

In regards to the capitol incident, why were they caught off guard? They, congress, have been doing all they can to split the county for as long as I’ve been alive. It happened. Their plan finally worked. Group A must hate and fight Group B. To make sure the revolution happens, add a few strategically placed paid trouble makers. Voila.
Who opened the capitol does to let them in anyway?

Steph, I don’t think they were caught off guard.  I think they were purposely told to stand down so that exactly what could happen, could happen.  It’s all part of the bigger plan.  Now there are 30,000 troops in our nation’s capital.  There are more damn troops in Washington D.C. then we have in all of the Middle East right now.  All it’s going to take is some trigger happy moron and there’s going to be a blood bath … and I think that’s exactly what the democrats want!  As I heard someone else say … (and I’m paraphrasing here) if you need 25,000 troops to protect your inauguration maybe it’s because you weren’t the person the people actually fucking elected!

Marsha M

Yes I understand your problem…let me share some of my excuses with you…basically when I open my mouth I offend someone…P…..are everywhere..see I mean cats….1. Sorry I’m a jersey girl…that works quiet often…live in Missouri now…2 Sorry I’m from the East it’s in the water there…3. Like everyone else i offend they dont like the current president so i blame him…this 1 works the best when dealing with the zombies…mindless creatures. I have to tell you this too..a while back while talking with my elderly dad I ask him if he remembered how the hippies of the 60s upset him so….he said yes they still do, even more now..He said who do you think is in public office or funding the current mess…Bet he is right. What ya think? I can picture Nancy at a sit in….oh my dont want to picture her at a love fest….can I have a stick to poke out my minds eye…….i need to go bleach my brain….

Oh Dear Marsha!  Now I do, too! 

Yes, indeed.  It is the hippies of the 60s who are now running our country.  Peace, Love, Dope!  Well, I slid right past that time frame myself, but I still know that the damn bills have to be paid and the lights need to stay on.  TANSTAAFL!  As Bob Heinlein used to say.  Anything you get for free, some one else has to pay for.  We’ve got a million man caravan marching up from Central America right now wanting Uncle Joe Biden’s free handouts.  The dumb ass kids want their college loans paid for, everyone wants their stimulus checks, and the Fucking Chinese are just buying up everything they can get their hands on.  WHERE THE HELL DO YOU PEOPLE THINK ALL THIS MONEY IS COMING FROM???!!!!  Do you want to pay $10 for a loaf of bread?  Oh, that’s okay, cause Uncle Joe says he’s raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour.  Well, how much of that $15 do you actually think you’re going to keep when they raise taxes to 75%?!? 

READ THE FINE PRINT YOU IDIOTS!  That’s the part that gets me the most … the average person out there can’t add 2 and 2 and come up with 4 a significant amount of times.

See!

SEE!!!

Here I am ranting again!  Dammit! 

I’m a fucking prophet!  A soothsayer!  I predict a future where the idiots have gotten everything they wanted and the rest of us have to pay for it. 

They are talking about a gun buy-back.  And the commentator on Fox News said, “and they haven’t said yet whether it’s going to be voluntary or mandatory.”  Oh trust me campers, it will start out as voluntary … give you a little money to help you pay for that ten dollar bread, help you feed your babies, why do you need guns when we have UN troops in the streets to keep you safe.  Don’t let it bother you that they are all Chinese.  Then it will be a mandatory buy back, but you would have gotten a much better price for that Glock 9 if you had brought it in when it was voluntary…

… then they will come door to door and take the rest of them …

… and shoot the ones who resist.

A fucking prophet… yeah, and they killed Cassandra, too. 

Oh, look it up!

Dammit, now I’m pissed off!

You want mine?  Come and get it.  Like when they asked the truck driver, what would you do if you were going down a steep grade and the brakes suddenly went out?  He said, “I’d wake my partner up in the sleeper, cause he ain’t never seen a crash like this.”

This is ending up being a very scattered Last Word, but that’s the way I’m receiving these emails and my thoughts and for that … I apologize.  Here’s a regular email from another prophet …

I guess being a dragon who can fly and do other things that most of us can only dream of, you also get news sources that some of us don’t. I subscribe to a few conservative news programs and try to get the truth when I can. Some of the truth I get is from being able to see it and some is from simple common sense. I know common sense is almost extinct but some of us still have it. I’ll say what I believe (while I still can) and would like your opinion about it.  

I think President Trump and his supporters were set up and walked right into it at the Wednesday incident at the capital in Washington DC. They blame Trump for causing an “insurrection riot” and causing death, etc. You said it yourself, “This is not who we are”. You are correct and if Trump said anything to incite or cause disorder, why aren’t we hearing his words over and over through the media? If he was the cause, why did trouble start at the capital long before he even made his speech? CNN reported that some people left the Trump speech early and they had climbing gear and ropes in their cars. Who were those people? I think they were Antifa and BLM. Why else would they leave a speech in progress? Part of the set-up! I doubt that the CNN reporter realized what he was saying would backfire like it did.

Now I have another question to ask. If so many voted to elect Joe Biden and the entire country is so happy about a liberal taking office, why are they deploying 25,000 military personal to Washington DC on inauguration day? Five times the number of troops in Iraq and Afghanistan combined!  Here in Oregon we are told that the national guard will be deployed to help distribute the virus vaccine. I say, BULLSHIT! We don’t even have any vaccine left, or have very little. The guard is being sent out because of the expected riots and we aren’t being told the truth…again.

I’m afraid we are being set up again on a much larger scale. I keep reading and hearing that the FBI has been receiving a large number of warnings that there will be massive violence in all capital cities by far right protesters on or near inauguration day. They always stress that these will be “armed” protesters. I think what will happen is, peaceful conservatives will be attacked by left wing nuts and riots will be the outcome. When it’s over the left will be innocent and Trump supporters will be blamed. I can see it as a nationwide set-up and again the republicans are going to walk right into it. Watch it unfold and then tell me I was wrong—if you can. If ever I wanted to be wrong, I do now.

Tom J  

Yup, Tom…we were all set up.  Marvelously.  And I have this horrible feeling we’re going to walk right into it again next week.  Yes, I am privy to information that a lot of other people aren’t, but there is stuff out there, open source, that you can get to if you look for it.  And if you use your head…and think logically. 

No, President Trump didn’t incite anything.  It started before he even started his speech, so how could he incite anything?  But, that matters not to the evil people.  The whole thing with the impeachment isn’t about what happened, it’s about keeping him away from politics in the future.

The American people are being played for fools and we’re letting it happen.  There are so many different aspects of this going on all at the same time …

I really don’t know my friends. 

May God bless you all and keep you until we meet again.

 

Good Morning Campers,

Well, things are going to hell in a hand basket.  They impeached Trump for a second time for things he didn’t do and for a second time, it will be a worthless jester.  Spending our money on something they shouldn’t be.  Nancy Pelosi needs to be fired.  Don’t we have that right, as her employer?  Can’t California get it’s head out of it’s ass long enough to do even that much?  We don’t ask much of you, but can’t you guys do that for us?

Sigh.

This country needs to heal in a bad way.

Not sure that will help, but it can’t hurt.

Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.

Anyway, today is Thursday and had Mrs. Dragon at the eye doctor for her final eye surgery.  It’s all done.  She had four and I had four … eight eye surgeries between two people in the same damn year…ain’t that a kick in the pants.  I know it’s a shot in the wallet, that’s for sure!  Even with insurance.  So, we just got home and because she was worried, she didn’t sleep last night … at least not well, so she went to bed.  And I took the day off work to keep an eye on her, not that there’s much of that left, so I’m spending time with you and Izzy and I are going to go to the grocery in a bit … the exciting day of a dragon.  Beats working, I guess.

So, rather than me rambling or getting pissed off, which I’m trying really hard not to do, let’s get to some laughter, shall we?

Well, you blame your farts on the dog … poor dog, gets blamed for everything.

I found this to be a very interesting official statement …

Sorry if it’s a bit small.

She was always smiling from the way he made her feel.  He was hot, dark, and steamy.  H made her life have meaning.  She couldn’t live without him.  And she didn’t want to…

Coffee.  He was coffee.

Dragon.  He was Dragon.

Jobs People Look Down On

* Truck Driver                    *Oil Worker
*Electrician                          *Carpenter
*Mechanic                            *Farmer

Jobs People Look Up To

*Social Media “Influencer”
*Athlete
*Actor
*Model

Jobs that Keep Society Running

* Truck Driver                    *Oil Worker
*Electrician                          *Carpenter
*Mechanic                            *Farmer

When Uncle Sal said he was going to pull a rabbit out of his hat, him and his audience both were badly surprised … and scarred for life.

Whenever I think I have had a horrible day at work, I remind myself that Nancy Pelosi has a gynecologist.

If you’re experiencing joint pain, you’re probably holding the lit end.

8 Year-old:  I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff.

Me:  Like what?

8 Year-old:  Like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension.

Me:  Well, that’s what happened to your older brother.

8 Year-old:  What older brother?

Me:  Exactly.

So sad … So true, but So Sad.

Yup, that’s exactly how a writer works.

Okay, let’s hit some of the comments and stuff that I’ve gotten lately…

Leah D

So did the mess up, also mess up the issue number? What did happen to 1848?
The Revolutions of 1848, known in some countries as the Springtime of the Peoples or the Spring of Nations, were a series of political upheavals throughout Europe in 1848. It remains the most widespread revolutionary wave in the European history.
In 1848, a violent storm of revolutions ripped through Europe. The torrent all but swept away the conservative order that had kept peace on the continent since …
Oh, now I understand!

1848 was indeed published … on the Monday that it was supposed to be published on.  I just checked … it’s there, in case any of you missed it, you can scroll back on the website and read it…as far as the rest of your comment goes, Leah – okay.  If you say so.  Your mind must be quite an interesting place to visit.

Marsha M

Let me add 1 more to your list…why do we drive on the parkway and park in the driveway? Yep old and to much time on my hands….and a song stuck in my head now…Thanks…Dragon Laughs are the only ones I get lately…stay cool keep it correct….don’t want you blocked or removed.

Marsha … I haven’t kept it correct in almost 15 years of doing this, I don’t suppose I’m going to keep it correct now.  So, I suppose I should apologize now, if I end up getting kicked off line for pissing people off.  It’s really hard to keep my mouth shut about things … especially things that piss me off.  Like this whole armed march on Washington that’s being planned for next week … we don’t do that crap.  We’re the good guys.  And it’s been bothering me the whole time.  And now, just five minutes ago, I got a message on back channels that I’m hooked up to, that pretty much shows that it’s all bullshit.  Let me give you a little example of what I mean. 

Here’s the poster that’s going around.  Not for promotion, but to show you what’s out there:

OKAY, WE DON’T DO ARMED PROTESTS!  That’s the first bullshit point to come across to me, but this is what someone else pointed out to me …

…based on the design of the flyer, the language, and the omissions, the upcoming rallies have all the indication of being a false flag.

*yellow/black/red colors used is not common among the right
*stars are wrong
*Statue of Liberty is an odd choice
*Text layout is wrong
*Lack of any instructions to comply with local laws
**Lack of attribution to any one group**

And compared to past BLM flyer …

So … you tell me, who’s REALLY trying to cause problems in our country.  And knowing that every penny that gets donated to BLM ends up in democratic pockets … 

CAN SOMEBODY PLEASE OPEN YOUR FRIGGIN’ EYES!!!!!

So yeah … Marsha … it’s really hard for me to keep it correct.  All of the above was open source, so I don’t have a problem sharing it with you guys.  I just wish that someone from the media would pick up on this.  But, we all know that they are in the pockets of the idiots as well.

So, I’m pretty sure that I’ve done this joke before, but it cracks me up every time, so let’s do it again …

Cop:  Turn around

Me:  Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never comin’ round

Cop:  TURN AROUND!

Me:  Every now … [Gets tazed]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coulda used that one a couple of times …

Here’s something else to be worried about … and there is a Smithfield Foods that is right in my “realm of responsibility” so I know the truth of what he speaks …

A Little Known Reality.

Source: Michael Snyder, Guest Post

In future China will employ millions of American workers and dominate thousands of small communities all over the United States .

Chinese acquisition of U.S. businesses set a new all-time record last year, and it is on pace to shatter that record this year.

The Smithfield Foods acquisition is an example. Smithfield Foods is the largest pork producer and processor in the world. It has facilities in 26 US. states and it employs tens of thousands of Americans. It directly owns  460 farms and has contracts with approximately 2,100 others.

But now a Chinese company has bought it for $ 4.7 billion, and that means that the Chinese will now be the most important employer in dozens of rural communities all over America . 

Thanks in part to our massively bloated trade deficit with China, the Chinese have trillions of dollars to spend. They are only just starting to exercise their economic muscle.

It is important to keep in mind that there is often not much of a difference between “the Chinese government” and “Chinese corporations”.  In 2011, 43 percent of all profits in China were produced by companies where the Chinese government had a controlling interest in. 

Last year a Chinese company spent $2.6 billion to purchase AMC entertainment – one of the largest movie theater chains in the United States. Now that Chinese company controls more movie ticket sales than anyone else in the world. 

But China is not just relying on acquisitions to expand its economic power.
“Economic beachheads” are being established all over America . For example, Golden Dragon Precise Copper Tube Group, Inc. recently broke ground on a $100 million plant in Thomasville , Alabama. Many of the residents of Thomasville , Alabama will be glad to have jobs, but it will also become yet another community that will now be heavily dependent on communist China .

And guess where else Chinese companies are putting down roots?
Detroit.
Chinese-owned companies are investing in American businesses and new vehicle technology, selling everything from seat belts to shock absorbers in retail stores, and hiring experienced engineers and designers in an effort to soak up the talent and expertise of domestic automakers and their suppliers. If you recently purchased an “American-made” vehicle, there is a really good chance that it has
a number of Chinese parts in it. Industry analysts are hard-pressed to put a number on the Chinese suppliers operating in the United States .

China seems particularly interested in acquiring energy resources in the United States.
For example, China is actually mining for coal in the mountains of Tennessee.
Guizhou Gouchuang Energy Holdings Group spent 616 million dollars to acquire Triple H Coal Co. in Jacksboro, Tennessee. At the time, that acquisition really didn’t make much news, but now a group of conservatives in Tennessee is trying to stop the Chinese from blowing up their mountains and taking their coal. 

And pretty soon China may want to build entire cities in the United States just like they have been doing in other countries. Right now China is actually building a city larger than Manhattan just outside Minsk , the capital of Belarus.

Are you starting to get the picture?
China is on the rise. If you doubt this, just read the following:

# When you total up all imports and exports, China is now the number one trading nation on the entire planet.

# Overall, the U.S. has run a trade deficit with China over the past decade that comes to more than 2.3 trillion dollars.

# China has more foreign currency reserves than anyone else on the planet.

# China now has the largest new car market in the entire world.

# China now produces more than twice as many automobiles
as the United States does.

#After being bailed out by US. taxpayers, GM is involved in 11 joint
ventures with Chinese companies.

# China is the number one gold producer in the world.

# The uniforms for the U.S. Olympic team were made in China.

# 85% of all artificial Christmas trees the world over are made in China.

# The new World Trade Center tower in New York is going to include glass imported from China .

# China now consumes more energy than the United States does.

# China is now in aggregate the leading manufacturer of goods in the entire world.

# China uses more cement than the rest of the world combined.

# China is now the number one producer of wind and solar power on the entire globe.

# China produces 3 times as much coal and 11 times as much
steel as the United States does.

# China produces more than 90 percent of the global supply of rare earth elements.

# China is now the number one supplier of components that are critical to the operation of any national defense system.

# In published scientific research articles China is expected to become
the number one in the world very shortly.

And what we have seen so far may just be the tip of the iceberg.

For now, I will just leave you with one piece of advice –
learn to speak Chinese.

You are going to need it

That essay doesn’t even talk about all the land China is buying up through proxies across our once great nation.  That ought to scare the hell out of you.  I know it does me.  And Mrs. Dragon wonders why I get so upset sometimes.

I sure hope he doesn’t have to stop in a hurry…or dodge another car

Yeah … I got nothin’

Let’s do some more mail …

dowchuckil

one of the best ever, keep it up. WE need you.
i know what you mean about the lie that is transpiring. i’ve developed an affliction where my head just keeps swiveling side to side.

I’m with you 100% dowchuckil.  And when my head swivels, fire tends to go EVERYWHERE!  It can be a real mess. 

You know … that’s a pretty good idea … You could put that right out in the open and the U.N. troops would never think to look there!!

You are not trash!

You are recycling.

Because trash can be disposed of.

But, we’re stuck with you.

Daaaammmmnnnnn!  That’s cold blooded!

I’m a huge fan of
SPACE
Both Outer and Personal

Ultimately, I just want someone who knows which songs not to talk over.

And with that little gem, we’re going to call it a day.  Be well my friends.  Stay safe, stay healthy and keep laughing.

Good Morning Campers,

And I do mean morning … like 0300 hrs. in the morning on Tuesday.  And I have no damn idea what the hell I’m doing up.  I can’t sleep so I’m up with you guys.  Honest to goodness I think my growling stomach woke me up.  It’s either that or Mrs. Dragon’s snoring.  But, I woke up and both were going off equally loud and I couldn’t go back to sleep so I thought, look, you NEVER wake up hungry in the middle of the night and you’re a diabetic, so get up, get something to eat and … well … shit, by that time, it will just about be time to go to work, so … shit!

So, I guess I’m missing out on about 2 hours of sleep today.  It won’t kill me … I’ll just wish I were dead…later.  LOL! 

Anyway … Let’s get some funny stuff out there.

Sasquatch said to me: I bought a new pair of sneakers from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

Cookies have very few vitamins, that’s why you have to eat so many of them.

If Twitter can “Do what they want” since they are a private company, then every single business in America should be open right now.

The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Porsgrunn, Norway comes the story of a bozo car thief who stole a car from the front yard of its owner. The owner happened to see what was going on and as the bozo sped away, he jumped in his other car and gave chase. The bozo led the owner on a chase that lasted fifteen minutes. During that time, the owner was right on the bozo’s tail, so close that the bozo could see his enraged face in the rearview mirror. Finally the bozo decided to do the right thing. He picked up the cell phone in the car and called the police to come and arrest him, figuring he would be better off in the custody of the police than in the grips of the car’s owner.

When we go into another lockdown, just train all the Amazon delivery drivers to give the vaccine.  Entire population immunized by Saturday.  Wednesday if you’ve got Prime.

Our good buddy Sasquatch got bored and started throwing stuff around …

If a poison “use-by” date expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?

Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C

Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?

Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?

Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work. [sometimes 50-60, depending on the quality of the body. Unfortunately we cannot sue the manufacturer]

Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.

The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.

100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.

FOUR GREAT UNRESOLVED CONFUSIONS!

At a movie theatre, which armrest is yours?  [some people think it is both]
If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

VAGARIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE

Why does the word “Funeral” starts with FUN?
Why isn’t a fireman called a waterman?
How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the cupboard?
Why is it called “Rush Hour” when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come noses run and feet smell?
Why do they call it a TV “set” when there is only one?
What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
Who thinks this stuff up? [Probably retired people who do not have much to do] or those of us stuck in isolation….

“So … you gonna take me out dancing, or what?”

From some of your emails, I gather I need to explain to you what happened with the last issue and why you guys got an email saying that it was published and then it wasn’t there…you see, there’s a very simple explanation … I’m an idiot.  You see, when I finish an issue, I tell Word Press when to publish it, by setting a time and clicking on a date on a calendar.  When that time comes up, it publishes and automatically sends out an email to everyone who’s signed up to get one.  Well, when you’re an idiot and select a date that’s already passed, it slides the post in the stream where you said you wanted it … in this case, a week ago, and sends out an immediate email saying that a new post was sent out.  I noticed that the little popup said “posted” instead of “scheduled” like it normally says.  I immediately pulled it back, scheduled for when it was supposed to be scheduled for … no harm, no foul … except you guys already started looking for the issue and didn’t find it.  So I sent out the “Sorry” post that apparently some of you didn’t get.  Sigh.  So, there you have it.  All is well, I’m just an idiot and can’t read a friggin’ calendar.

 

While watching The Mummy 2, these mummies are chasing a bus through London.  My mom asks, “They didn’t use real mummies, did they?”

My neighbor coming over for a visit.  He thinks he’s so cool. 

Okay … this one has to win a prize …

The Bozo criminal for today comes from Anniston, Alabama. Bozo Carlos Perez pulled up in front of the court house in a stolen car with no license plates. As if he didn’t already look suspicious enough, he called over the first person he saw and asked where he might get a photo ID card since he didn’t have a drivers license. Remember, he was behind the wheel of a stolen car with no license plates at the time. He also made a poor choice of someone to ask. He called over Sheriff Larry Amerson, who was in full uniform at the time. He arrested the bozo on the spot.

When Kentucky Fried Chicken first opened in China, their “Finger Lickin’ Good” tagline was initially translated as “Eat Your Fingers Off.”

 

Bored during lockdown?  Call a women’s rights group and ask to speak to the man in charge.

For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase: “You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me” .
Am I right?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the
Delaware River with his troops.  
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat.  It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.  He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.  
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth  
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware.   Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.  
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.  He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.  
Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.   
What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.  
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.  
Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.  We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’   
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort.  How many men do you have?’  
Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters ..’  
And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin’ me.’

If you ever feel alone, watch a horror movie late at night with the lights off.  You won’t feel so alone anymore.

While looking at a house, my brother asked the realtor which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.  She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?”  When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up  with that stuff.”  Yup, she votes. 

How the hell…

So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore.  She drove down in a convertible, but didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the care was moving.  Another voter.

And one more for good measure …

I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area.  So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up.  She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.  “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?”  and another democrat voter.

 

I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers.  Or maybe she said “a tent of lovers.” I wasn’t really listening.

Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

Math questions are so stupid!  They’re like, “If you have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do you have?”  Oh, I don’t know…a drinking problem, maybe!

Leah D. adds this comment, which adds credence to our last math problem …

Today I went to the liquor store.  I have to go into the liquor store, can’t order it online. I was so lucky because there was only one other person in there, for there have been times when I had to turn around and go home, because it was so busy.

Then, would you believe, both items I wanted were on sale!?  So, I bought 6 bottles of one, and 5 bottles of another, which emptied those shelves.  Now I won’t have to go back for a very long time.

Even the roads were near empty, so I had the best day.  About time!

Yup … I’m pretty sure the correct answer is … a drinking problem.  LOL!  Nah, I’m kidding.  Who am I to judge.  That was just barely enough to get us through a weekend not too long ago.

Okay, and that’s if for today … many of you may be wondering why I haven’t had much to say on what’s going on politically and in the capital … I don’t know.  It seems that here at home, it’s all I’ve been talking about.  I am so mad that I can hardly stand it because nobody is paying attention to the truth. 

But I believe it will come out.  It has to come out.  Otherwise the evil wins. 

If I get started, I won’t stop, so let me just say … my love and best wishes to all of you.  Keep laughing my friends. 

Cheers!

Impish Dragon