Good Morning Campers,
And I do mean morning … like 0300 hrs. in the morning on Tuesday. And I have no damn idea what the hell I’m doing up. I can’t sleep so I’m up with you guys. Honest to goodness I think my growling stomach woke me up. It’s either that or Mrs. Dragon’s snoring. But, I woke up and both were going off equally loud and I couldn’t go back to sleep so I thought, look, you NEVER wake up hungry in the middle of the night and you’re a diabetic, so get up, get something to eat and … well … shit, by that time, it will just about be time to go to work, so … shit!
So, I guess I’m missing out on about 2 hours of sleep today. It won’t kill me … I’ll just wish I were dead…later. LOL!
Anyway … Let’s get some funny stuff out there.
Sasquatch said to me: I bought a new pair of sneakers from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.
Cookies have very few vitamins, that’s why you have to eat so many of them.
If Twitter can “Do what they want” since they are a private company, then every single business in America should be open right now.
The Bozo criminal for today comes from the International File. From Porsgrunn, Norway comes the story of a bozo car thief who stole a car from the front yard of its owner. The owner happened to see what was going on and as the bozo sped away, he jumped in his other car and gave chase. The bozo led the owner on a chase that lasted fifteen minutes. During that time, the owner was right on the bozo’s tail, so close that the bozo could see his enraged face in the rearview mirror. Finally the bozo decided to do the right thing. He picked up the cell phone in the car and called the police to come and arrest him, figuring he would be better off in the custody of the police than in the grips of the car’s owner.
When we go into another lockdown, just train all the Amazon delivery drivers to give the vaccine. Entire population immunized by Saturday. Wednesday if you’ve got Prime.
Our good buddy Sasquatch got bored and started throwing stuff around …
If a poison “use-by” date expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?
Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 years to fully work. [sometimes 50-60, depending on the quality of the body. Unfortunately we cannot sue the manufacturer]
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.
FOUR GREAT UNRESOLVED CONFUSIONS!
At a movie theatre, which armrest is yours? [some people think it is both]
If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
Why is there a ‘D’ in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?
VAGARIES OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE
Why does the word “Funeral” starts with FUN?
Why isn’t a fireman called a waterman?
How come Lipstick doesn’t do what it says?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?
Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the cupboard?
Why is it called “Rush Hour” when traffic moves at its slowest then?
How come noses run and feet smell?
Why do they call it a TV “set” when there is only one?
What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?
Who thinks this stuff up? [Probably retired people who do not have much to do] or those of us stuck in isolation….
“So … you gonna take me out dancing, or what?”
From some of your emails, I gather I need to explain to you what happened with the last issue and why you guys got an email saying that it was published and then it wasn’t there…you see, there’s a very simple explanation … I’m an idiot. You see, when I finish an issue, I tell Word Press when to publish it, by setting a time and clicking on a date on a calendar. When that time comes up, it publishes and automatically sends out an email to everyone who’s signed up to get one. Well, when you’re an idiot and select a date that’s already passed, it slides the post in the stream where you said you wanted it … in this case, a week ago, and sends out an immediate email saying that a new post was sent out. I noticed that the little popup said “posted” instead of “scheduled” like it normally says. I immediately pulled it back, scheduled for when it was supposed to be scheduled for … no harm, no foul … except you guys already started looking for the issue and didn’t find it. So I sent out the “Sorry” post that apparently some of you didn’t get. Sigh. So, there you have it. All is well, I’m just an idiot and can’t read a friggin’ calendar.
While watching The Mummy 2, these mummies are chasing a bus through London. My mom asks, “They didn’t use real mummies, did they?”
My neighbor coming over for a visit. He thinks he’s so cool.
Okay … this one has to win a prize …
The Bozo criminal for today comes from Anniston, Alabama. Bozo Carlos Perez pulled up in front of the court house in a stolen car with no license plates. As if he didn’t already look suspicious enough, he called over the first person he saw and asked where he might get a photo ID card since he didn’t have a drivers license. Remember, he was behind the wheel of a stolen car with no license plates at the time. He also made a poor choice of someone to ask. He called over Sheriff Larry Amerson, who was in full uniform at the time. He arrested the bozo on the spot.
When Kentucky Fried Chicken first opened in China, their “Finger Lickin’ Good” tagline was initially translated as “Eat Your Fingers Off.”
Bored during lockdown? Call a women’s rights group and ask to speak to the man in charge.
For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase: “You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me” .
Am I right?
Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the
Delaware River with his troops.
There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.
Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.
Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth
Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.
Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.
Another hour later, one of his men said, ‘General, I see lights ahead.’ They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.
What they didn’t know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.
General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.
The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.
A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.
Washington was the first to speak, ‘Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.’
Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, ‘Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?’
Washington replied, ‘Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters ..’
And the Madam said, ‘You gotta be shittin’ me.’
If you ever feel alone, watch a horror movie late at night with the lights off. You won’t feel so alone anymore.
While looking at a house, my brother asked the realtor which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, (and has for some time), she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.” Yup, she votes.
How the hell…
So my colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the admin assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the care was moving. Another voter.
And one more for good measure …
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?” and another democrat voter.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said “a tent of lovers.” I wasn’t really listening.
Autocorrect makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
Math questions are so stupid! They’re like, “If you have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do you have?” Oh, I don’t know…a drinking problem, maybe!
Leah D. adds this comment, which adds credence to our last math problem …
Today I went to the liquor store. I have to go into the liquor store, can’t order it online. I was so lucky because there was only one other person in there, for there have been times when I had to turn around and go home, because it was so busy.
Then, would you believe, both items I wanted were on sale!? So, I bought 6 bottles of one, and 5 bottles of another, which emptied those shelves. Now I won’t have to go back for a very long time.
Even the roads were near empty, so I had the best day. About time!
Yup … I’m pretty sure the correct answer is … a drinking problem. LOL! Nah, I’m kidding. Who am I to judge. That was just barely enough to get us through a weekend not too long ago.
Okay, and that’s if for today … many of you may be wondering why I haven’t had much to say on what’s going on politically and in the capital … I don’t know. It seems that here at home, it’s all I’ve been talking about. I am so mad that I can hardly stand it because nobody is paying attention to the truth.
But I believe it will come out. It has to come out. Otherwise the evil wins.
If I get started, I won’t stop, so let me just say … my love and best wishes to all of you. Keep laughing my friends.