Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Well, it’s been a week…and for that, I apologize.  Thank you all for understanding.  I haven’t had a day off in over two weeks, I’m fighting with higher headquarters, family members are sick … sigh.  It’s like, come on!  Can we just put a little bit of more stress on Impish?  Scientists have a name for tests like that.  It’s called a destructive test or something like that.  It’s where you push a device or a piece of machinery to the point of failure.  That’s what I feel like life is doing right now, but you know what?  They ain’t gonna get me down!  They may slow me down, but they ain’t gonna get me down! 

So, let’s get to laughing and chase this bullshit away!

In my life I’ve bought at least 20 pairs of nail clippers because I lost the last pair, but I never take them out of my house meaning there’s at least 19 places I haven’t seen in my own house.

When you become the world’s oldest person, you can’t lose that title for the rest of your life.

There should be a medical bracelet for “delete my internet history”.

To boldly go where no man has gone since.

Andy Rooney was one in a million.  At the end of ’60 Minutes’ he usually had his own 10 minute segment that, unbelievably, was never censored by CBS.  He’s probably the only one who could have gotten away with this.  May he rest in peace.

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Andy Rooney once said . .

“I don’t think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.

The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.

Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens……Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer.

You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, which is why there are no girls allowed. 

Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!  ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE ?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion..

I have the right ‘NOT’ to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! 

As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn’t die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot you if you threaten them after they tell you to stop.

If you can’t understand the word ‘freeze’ or ‘stop’ in English, see the above lines.

I don’t think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc.., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don’t hate the rich; I don’t pity the poor. 

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television.  That doesn’t stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more 

If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that’s better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn’t take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say ‘NO!’

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don’t pretend they are a political statement.

And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don’t want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of ‘Political Correctness.’  I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be ‘African-Americans’?  Besides, Africa is a continent.
I don’t go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. 

I am proud to be from America and nowhere else, and if you don’t like my point of view, tough…”.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

[A girl who caught me looking at her very toned legs in jeans]

Her:  Whatcha looking at?

Me:  Sorry.  Your legs look great in those jeans.

Her:  You should see me without them.

Me:  Why would you take off your legs?

 

“Honey, I’m home!”

This is really cool.  Thanks to Leah for sending it in.

A knocker-upper was someone whose purpose was to wake people up during a time when alarm clocks were expensive and not very reliable. They earned about six pence a week using a pea shooter to shoot dried peas at the windows of sleeping workers in East London, 1930s. She would not leave a window until she was sure that the workers had woken up.

[One response was:   “I recall that when my mothers cousin came to visit from Ireland she asked my dad if he would kindly knock her up in the morning before he leaves for work. Needless to say everyone looked at her innocent face and burst out laughing”

Another was:  “Had a girlfriend from England, while attending med school in Belgium. On our first date, she asked me to knock her up in the morning. Classic example of miscommunication.”

And a final:  I remember the look on my mother’s face after we first got to England and owner of the hotel we were staying, asked Mom if she wanted to be “knocked up” in the morning.’

Some of these are pretty good, but for the most part I’m blaming these puns on Joe from NJ.  LOL.

1. Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

2. What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

3. Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

4. Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

5. If you’re bad at haggling, you’ll end up paying the price.

6. Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.

7. A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

8. I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

9. Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

10. How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

11 I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

12. My friends and I have named our band “Duvet”. It’s a cover band.

13. I lost my girlfriend’s audiobook, and now I’ll never hear the end of it.

14. Why is “dark” spelled with a k and not c? Because you can’t see in the dark.

15. Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Well, time will tell.

16. When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

17. Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar, and the bartender says, “Oh no, not U2 again.”

18. Prison is just one word to you, but for some people it’s a whole sentence.

19. Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

20. I’m trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players are really hard to find.

21. I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.

22. What do you say to comfort a friend who’s struggling with grammar? There, their, they’re.

23. I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are, and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”

24. What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

25. I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

“Time for your bedtime story.”

MILITARY SERVICE REQUIREMENT

Trey Gowdy , a former South Carolina Congressman, responded to a question from a CNN reporter about the ban of transgenders from joining the U.S.  armed forces. 

As Trey typically does so very well, he nailed it rather succinctly.

Question:  How can President Trump claim to represent all U.S citizens, regardless of sexual orientation, when he banned transgenders from joining the military?  Isn’t that discrimination?

Trey Gowdy’s Response: Nobody has a right to serve in the Military.  Nobody!  What makes you people think the Military is an equal opportunity employer?  It is very far from it – and for good reasons – let me cite a few”

The Military uses prejudice regularly and consistently to deny citizens from joining for being too old or too young, too fat or too skinny, too tall or too short. 

Citizens are denied for having flat feet, or for missing or additional fingers.” he went on to explain:  “By the way, poor eyesight will disqualify you, as well as bad teeth. 

Malnourished?  Drug addiction?

Bad back?  Criminal history?  Low IQ?  Anxiety?  Phobias?  Hearing damage?  Six arms?  Hear voices in your head?  Self-identification as a Unicorn?  Need a special access ramp for your wheelchair?”

“Can’t run the required course in the required time?  Can’t do the required number of push-ups?  Not really a morning person?  and refuse to get out of bed before noon? All can be legitimate reasons for denial”

“The Military has one job:  Winning War.  Anything else is a distraction and a liability. Did someone just scream?  That isn’t Fair?  War is VERY unfair, there are no exceptions made for being special or challenged or socially wonderful.”

“YOU must change yourself to meet Military standards and not the other way around.”

“I say again: You don’t change the Military – you must change yourself.  The Military is not about being fair, it is about taking advantage of others and about winning.

The Military doesn’t need to accommodate anyone with special issues.  The Military needs to Win Wars and keep our Country safe – PERIOD!”

“If any of your personal issues are a liability that detract from readiness or lethality…  Thank you for applying and good luck in future endeavors.”

“.Any other questions?”

Been sayin’ it for years.

Why is it acceptable for people to be complete frickin’ idiots…

But not acceptable for me to point it out?

I’m not saying I would die without my morning coffee …

I am saying other people would.

That has to be it for today my friends….

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers,

Impish Drago

Sorry Campers,

Life got in the way this week. Family in the hospital (everyone is fine, no worries- just time consuming and worry full while it was going on) and working this weekend. Stress level is over the top and in the red zone so am unplugging, ordering pizza, drinking copious amounts of Jameson and shutting down as much as possible for a couple of hours tonight.

Cheers my friends

Impish Dragon

So … it’s been a week.  And I’ve done absolutely nothing to get this issue ready this week so it’s not going to be much of an issue.  It sucks when life gets in the way of living.  Truly it does.  And I’ve got a little bit to share with you today.  I’ll try and get to it while I sit here and try to share the evening with my family at the same time.  I’m also working this weekend and next weekend and … oh dear Aunt Henry, when am I supposed to get things done?  This is crazy!  Can we all just take a breath!

Okay, let’s quit the complaining and just get to it!

When you’re so behind on your bills, that the power company comes and blows out your candles like, “bitch, we said no lights!”

If Rum can’t fix it …

You’re not using enough rum

Okay, got this email and thought it was out-fucking-standing!!!!

You had this pic in your post, I made this meme a couple years ago.

    Have Fun,
    Pete

Thanks Pete!!!

Stephanie shares this story:

I have a friend who once held his fortune cookie up and made a remark about wanting it to tell him that, he would be getting a lot of money. He broke it open and it read “wishing for something does not make it so”.

Traffic is tough sometimes. 

Your husband will always be your biggest and oldest child that requires the most adult supervision.

Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

Mother-In-Laws can be such … witches

Yeah, there’s no explanation.

A pastor giving a children’s sermon on vestments asked, “Why do you think I wear this collar?”  One kid answered, “Because it kills ticks and fleas for up to 30 days?”

This just in … NBC is now pulling Wizard of Oz because it is offensive to people without brains.

People ask me, “Why is it so hard to trust people?”

The real question is, “Why is it so hard for people to tell the truth?”

I know we’ve talked about this before, but it’s worth talking about again …

SENATE BOMBING – 1983

I had forgotten about this, but Google it if you need more details!

Apparently, some of our “esteemed” long-term Democrat Senators and Congressional leaders have forgotten about this!

On November 7, 1983 the “Armed Resistance Unit” detonated a bomb in the senate! The blast punched a hole in a partition sending brick, plaster and glass into the Republican cloak room.

Susan Rosenberg, who was part of the May 19th Communist Organization was one of those arrested for this.

She was pardoned by Clinton.

She is now an administrator for Black Lives Matters and now does fundraising and administrative work for BLM.

I guess Bombing the US Capital to kill Republicans is different. 

I have heard Democrat’s statements all week long about how the Wednesday riot was the worst day in American History.

What should we call Bombing the US Capital…chopped liver?

Democrats have very selective memories; hypocrisy and vendetta are their way of life.

Is this now racist?

WOW !!  A wind turbine support structure foundation of steel and the still to be poured concrete.

Maybe we should ask AOC how to get rid of the Crap Circles and Propellers.

A demented old man and a hooker walked into a bar … oh wait … that is the inauguration

Being white doesn’t make you a racist and being black doesn’t make you a slave.  Being an idiot, however, comes in both colors.

“My wife asked me why I spoke so softly in the house.  I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!  She laughed.  I laughed.  Alexa Laughed.  Siri laughed.” ~ James Franco

The Bozo Criminal for today comes from Nashville, Tn, where Bozo Jonathan Parker thought he had it all figured out. He really wanted the leather jacket at the expensive department store, but of course there was no way he could afford it. So, he thought he’d do what any Bozo would do–steal it! Only problem, the jacket had one of those little magnetic tags, the kind that set off an alarm if you walk out the door with one of them. So, our Bozo goes into the dressing room and peels off the little tag, throws it on the floor and heads out with his stolen jacket. As soon as he gets to the door, the alarm goes off. A security guard who had been keeping an eye on the Bozo anyway, stopped him and retrieved the jacket. So why did the alarm go off? Remember the little tag the Bozo peeled off and threw on the floor? He stepped on it and it stuck to his shoe.

This is cool.  Chris sent this in response to the Coal Fired plant thing I ran the other day… this makes a nice comparison to what I put together…

As an addendum to the item you had on coal fired power plants in the world,

Comparisons by country are difficult because of different sizes.  Another way to look at it is by population. 

How many coal fired power plants are there in the world today? Green New Deal???

The EU has  231 – building 5 more… Total 236
pop 747,900.000 so 1 plant per 3.2 million people

Turkey has  32 – building 28 more.. Total  60
pop 83,400,000 so 1 plant per 1.4 million people

South Africa has  19 – building  6 more… Total  25
pop 58,600,000 so 1 plant per 2.3 million people

India has  281 – building  57 more… Total  338
pop 1,366,000,000 so 1 plant per 4 million people

Philippines has  23 – building  13 more… Total  36
pop 108,100,000 so 1 plant per 3 million people

South Korea has  22 – building  4 more… Total  26
pop 52,300,000 so 1 plant per 2 million people

Japan has 87 – building  10 more… Total  97
pop 126,900,000 so 1 plant per 1.3 million people

China has  1082- building  227 more… Total  1309
pop 1,434,000,000 so 1 plant per 1.1 million people

USA has  252- building 0 more…Total  252
Pop 329,000,000 so 1 plant per 1.3 million people

Chris

So, comparatively speaking from most economical to worst is:

India
EU
Philippines
South Africa
South Korea
Turkey
Japan/USA
China

So, in the scheme of things, we’re not doing that well at all.

That’s it… bed time… all for today.

Cheers my friends.

Impish

We make an awful lot of promises throughout our lives, swear a lot of oaths and pledges.  It starts out when we are young.  At least it did for people of my age.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
And to the Republic for which it stands,
One Nation.  Under God.  Indivisible.  With liberty and justice for All.

You say that every day of school and if you go to a good school, you talk about what all the words mean and you think about it and they begin to take form inside of you and mean something to you. And as you get a little older you take others …

On my honor I will do my best to do my duty To God and my country and to obey the Scout Law; To help other people at all times; To keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.

That’s the Cub Scout Oath.  I remember it … some 50 years ago as … On my honor I will do my best to do my duty to God and my country, to be square and to obey the law of the pack.  That changed in 1972 and again to stay with the times.  To be square meant to be honest and straight with everyone you dealt with.

The Boy Scout Oath

Civil Defense Team Oath

Enlisting in the United States Air Force

Marriage Vows

Reenlistment Oath of Service

Being sworn in at court you take an oath to tell the truth

We, throughout our lives, swear a lot of oaths and pledges and vows as American Citizens, most of which don’t go away or have expiration dates.  So why then do we stop obeying them?  Why do we have so many politicians out there who are NOT following their oath of office?

I do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of the office on which I am about to enter: So help me God.

If they were all supporting and defending the Constitution, then none of them would be trying to change it!  They wouldn’t be trying to take away our rights to free speech, our rights to bear arms or any of the other crap that they are trying to shove down our throats right now.  They are so busy trying to distract us with bullshit that we are not paying attention to them stealing our country right out from underneath us.  We need to be very careful. 

Dr. Seuss and the Muppets are not the problem.  Lying, manipulative politicians who have been in power too long are. 

Aussie Peter believes he has found a picture of Impish and Mrs. Dragon …

I told him that he was right, and that was me on the left.

That is a great picture

Next time a blocked number calls you, answer like this:  “Local sperm bank.  You jack it, we pack it. How may I help you?”

Would probably work better with a female voice.

It’s Thousand Island Dressing … everyone knows that.

Someone had way too much fun with Photoshop with this one

Surprise your Girlfriend this Valentine’s Day …

Introduce her to your wife.

Ladies, if he calls you crazy, don’t get upset.  Crazy bitches are better in bed so take it as a compliment.  But stab him anyway, just in case.

If someone drunk texts you, appreciate it.  They are thinking of you when they can barely think straight.

“I told you, I’m not interested in buying any of your damn magazine subscriptions!”

How am I supposed to have kinky sex when my fucking joints sound like Rice Krispies? 

This is absolutely brilliant …
If a telemarketer calls, give the telephone to your 3 year-old and tell her it’s Santa.

Scientists have yet to explain how 300 people can be working at a Wal-Mart but only 4 registers will be open.

Boy ain’t that the truth!

“Oh yes.  It’s definitely going to be an Easter Parade.”

Another one that the kids won’t get

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

I’ll let you know.

Food for thought … Wouldn’t it be ironic if Popeye’s Chicken was fried in Olive Oil.

Husbands are the best people to share your secrets with.

They’ll never tell anyone because they aren’t even listening.

It’s a good day.  The bulb finally burned out on my check engine light.

My mate has just seen the Chernobyl documentary.  He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980’s as was able to count at least 8 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

Pre-Viagra, Giles Brindley created a drug to induce erections, and he introduced it to the world at a live seminar. After first showing the audience surprise images of his penis, he dropped his pants to show them the drug’s results. He then walked up to people, asking them to “confirm the degree of tumescence.” Their screams of horror surprised him. 

How appropriate is it that this meme comes after that last story?

Sending a second cup of coffee down to check on the first one to see why it’s not doing it’s job.

I don’t know which is the bigger joke.  Biden who will fix what he wouldn’t for 48 years or supporters who think he will.

Y’all be sure to leave those Biden signs in your yard … so people will know where to siphon gas when it’s $8.00 a gallon.

Joe Biden is about to show America what a great president Donald Trump was.

An explanation is in order.  When I got this email, the subject line said “unverified”.  So, I decided to verify it.  Wasn’t that hard.  I got the latest numbers.  So, I left the original numbers in there, but crossed them out and put in the numbers as of January 2021.  Doesn’t look nearly as appalling for the rest of the world, nor as good for the United States as the original email did … but read on and I’ll add a few more comments at the end.

How many coal fired power plants are there in the world today? Green New Deal???

The EU has 468 231 – building 27 5 more… Total 495 236

Turkey has 56 32 – building 93 28 more.. Total 149 60

South Africa has 79 19 – building 24 6 more… Total 103 25

India has 589 281 – building 446 57 more… Total 1035 338

Philippines has 19 23 – building 60 13 more… Total 79 36

South Korea has 58 22 – building 26 4 more… Total 84 26

Japan has 90 87 – building 45 10 more… Total 135 97

China has 2,363 1082- building 1,171 227 more… Total 3,534 1309

That’s 5,615 2127 projected coal powered plants in just 8 countries.

USA has 15 252- building 0 more…Total 15 252

And Democrat politicians with their “green new deal” want to shut down those 15 252 plants in order to “save” the planet.

This is EXCELLENT!! This makes the point. Whatever the USA does or doesn’t do won’t make a Tinker’s Dam regarding CO2 unless the rest of the world, especially China and India reduces coal-fired power plants as well.

The whole “global warming” and “climate change” gambits by Democrats are to create a *supposedly* sound, scientific basis to justify a federal government power-grab and the passage of MORE laws to increase taxes and increased control of the privately owned power industry and its distribution. Never forget the *main* motivation they have!

“Oh, we will SAVE the planet!!”

No wonder Trump left the Paris Climate Agreement! 

The reason President Trump took us out of the Paris Climate Agreement wasn’t because what we were doing wasn’t helping.  We, according to the figures I just provided, account for about one-tenth of the coal fired plants in the world, yet we were footing more than half of the bill for the whole world.  Why should we be forced to pay so much more than everyone else?  THAT’S why he pulled us out.  He continued to have us lower our carbon footprint and follow a lowering of emissions and all that green stuff.  He was just tired, and rightly so, of us paying other countries bills.  And now Biden is going to get us right back into it again so your money and my money can go into other countries pockets while we have our own people living on the streets and going hungry. 

WHY ARE WE NOT TAKING CARE OF AMERICANS FIRST?!?!

America did what was once thought to be impossible.  It became energy independent.  Biden just undid that with the stroke of a pen.

When gas hits $5.00 a gallon, you might want to take your Biden stickers off your car.

This is a sad story of the depression that can haunt a man.

Marcel was sick and tired of the world; of Covid 19, Brexit, Russian belligerence, global warming, racial tensions, and the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy media headlines.

Marcel drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favorite radio station and started the car.  

Four days later, a worried neighbor peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the emergency services and they broke in, pulling Marcel from the car. A little sip of water and, surprisingly, he was in perfect condition, but his Tesla had a dead battery. 

This is especially cool.  Thanks to Ted for sharing…and a great way to end this issue.  Worth playing with for hours!

You can set the speed of the vehicle, street noise, music and visit the world while at home.  You can drive in 50 cities around the world and spend as much time in any one of them driving.  Pick the city of your choice from the list in the upper right. Travel while staying home, once you are driving you can reclick the City and completely change your route….. obey the speed limit, and don’t pick up hitch-hikers….

Drive & Listen

https://driveandlisten.herokuapp.com/

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome to the weekend.  It’s another beautiful day in the neighborhood, a beautiful day in my … oh bullshit!  The world’s gone bat shit crazy and we’re all along for the ride.  “Where are we going and why are we in this handbasket?”
Cancel Culture has taken over.  Dr. Seuss is bad, the Muppets are bad, being white is bad, being Republican is bad, and burning shit down that doesn’t belong to you is good.  Men who dress up like and think they are women are allowed to compete as women are good.  The 2nd amendment is bad.  Freedom is good … but only if you are an illegal alien. 
I truly believe it is high time those of us who are sick and bloody tired of all the nonsense stand up and say:

It is truly and completely and overwhelmingly ridiculous!  And what can we do about this?  What indeed?  To start with, Dragon Laffs will be a place where those who believe in this bullshit will find a home filled with ridicule and derision.  Secondly, we will always be a place that battles this bullshit with plenty of laughter!

So, let’s get on with it!

John S. sent us this one …

FOR ALL THE LADIES I KNOW WHO DRIVE ALONE!
I had a flat tire on the 101 yesterday; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn’t believe it!

Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

People honked and waved, and it wasn’t long before a police car pulled up behind me.

He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat.

He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

I couldn’t believe he didn’t know! So I told him …

Well, I explained to the angry policeman ..

They’re my Emergency Flashers!!!

I go to court in May.

Bozo criminal for today comes from Columbia, Tennessee where newlywed Linda Simpson was charged with arson. It seems our bozo was upset because her new husband had fallen asleep the night before while smoking and the cigarette had burned a small hole in the bed. So our bozo decided she would show her husband a thing or two. She lit a cigarette, tossed it on the bed and walked out of the house. By the time she and her husband returned, the home was completely engulfed in flames and almost totally gutted.

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. “I’m lost,” said the man. “Can you put me up for the night?”
“Certainly,” the Chinese man said, “but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man.”
“Ok,” said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.
Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.
But during the night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.
He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, “Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest.”
“Well, that’s pretty crappy,” he thought. “If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about.” He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out.
As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: “Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle.”
In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.
As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, “Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost.”

Go ahead … fuck with us … see what happens.

My Spanish buddy takes Xanax for hispanics attacks.

Why is “Sean” pronounced as “Shawn” instead of “Seen” but “Dean” is pronounced “Deen” instead of “Dawn”

The REAL Pied Piper of Hamlin

This is an oldie but goodie …

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.   
He phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?”   
He said, “No, but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said, “All patrols are busy, you should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available”   
George said, “Okay.”           
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.   
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed.  Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right now.” and he hung up.   
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.   
One of the Policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you had shot them!”   
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”      
Don’t mess with old people

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.           
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”           
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.   

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS’.”    

Yup, that ought to help get the job.

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.           
The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”           
The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence.  I’m looking for my wife, too.  I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”           
The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?”           
The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom… wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts.           
What does your wife look like?’           
To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”        

   People like this get what they deserve.  Next year’s headline reads: City Folks Mauled by Bears

The Wat Shamphran, a Buddhist temple. Magnificent architecture in Bangkok, Thailand.”  Thanks to Sasquatch for sending this great picture.

“I’m telling you kids, we’re not stopping for anything!”

Bozo criminal for today from Chattanooga, Tennessee, wanted to get a permit for carrying a handgun. He followed proper procedure, filling out the Tennessee Department of Safety form and enclosing it along with a check for $50. So far, so good, right? Well, no. It seems he filled out the form using the name “President Barack H Obama” and he even included US State Department letterhead. Did we mention he is a white man? And did we also mention he also has an active warrant for his arrest in Michigan. Needless to say “the president” didn’t get the permit. He’s been charged with perjury, forgery and theft of identity.

Anyone wanna take a wild guess as to where they were made?

At least unplug the mixer first

Remember in the Lion King when Scar cheated to win the title as king?  And the pride land was overrun with the hyenas?  And all of the lions lost everything they had built and maintained their whole lives for?  Just asking.  No reason.

Now that Washington D.C. has a fence around it, seems to me like the perfect time to put a padlock on it and call it The National Zoo.

Just what in the hell is wrong with this country?  Our enemies around the world must be laughing their asses off.

Amen.

My kind of kitchen.

There has got to be more going on here than meets the eye.  He didn’t even hesitate, try to find a mail slot, he just came right up and kicked out the glass.

Took me a second… LOL!

Anyway my dear friends, that’s it for today.  I hope you enjoyed today’s offerings.  I hope everyone got at least a chuckle, maybe even an outright belly laugh.  Until we meet again.