Dragon Laffs

Good Morning Campers,

Welcome from the Indiana Emergency Response Conference!  So far it’s been pretty tame, but it’s just the first day.  Had a couple of good talks on HazMat and aircraft crash responses and things like that…yeah, I know, I can hear you guys yawning already, so why don’t I just get to the fun part and we can talk about the rest of this later.

Pesky bugs in the summer time!

So, pretty much a normal day then?

My day starts backward … I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.

Absolutely perfect!

Now, so that I don’t get in any trouble for this one, you have to understand this is a direct quote: From Stephanie: “Me bowing to the Mighty Impish Dragon”

Now, I appreciate that, I truly do, and … not that it’s not deserved and all,  but some how I can’t help but feel like I’m going to pay for this.

Oh … um … wait … there it is …. down at the bottom of her email.  It says it right there ….

“Yeah, right!”

So, I guess we know how she REALLY feels.  LOL!

I’m trying to stop being mean, but it’s like y’all have to stop being stupid first.

I’m pretty sure it would work better on humans than mosquitos…

She said her kids have A.D.D. … my smart ass said, “All Different Daddies?”

Now I’m blocked!

I think I’ve used this one before, but it’s such a great tip, it’s worth revisiting …

Pro Tip:  Save business cards of people you don’t like.  If you ever accidentally hit a parked car, just write “Sorry” on the back of the card and leave it on the windshield.

Or hell, if you REALLY don’t like the person and you have a car with a strong enough bumper, you might even hit another car on purpose!

Lou Holtz, football coach was asked what is the difference in football players today and 50 years ago.  He answered, “Simple, today’s athletes talk about rights and privileges.  And the players 50 years ago talked about obligations and responsibilities!”  To me, that describes society today.

Got an email from John S.  He always asks the most interesting questions.  Here’s today’s …

Good Morning Dragon
Hope You and Yours are doing well.
I was just wondering how much money the Government could save by giving
New Orleans back to Nature…..
Be Well Dragon.

That’s a good question John … probably quite a bit, I’m sure.  Not sure why we have a city built that is so far below sea level.

I don’t care how much you don’t like me.  The last time I checked, the road to heaven wasn’t through your yard.

Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire.  If he was living in a trailer, it would be a Criminal Minds episode.

Help your friend on a diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.

Big girls don’t cry … They pop a couple of Xanax, wash it down with vodka and set your car on fire.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Gotta get some sleep.  Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers.

Impish Dragon

Sorry for not having a post for Monday. I’m actually writing this on my phone and my eyes are a bit misty. It’s been a long weekend and I don’t mean that in a good way.

Saturday I taught two classes, we had a special 9-11 ceremony, and a base wide briefing on the new vaccine mandate.

And many people have wondered why I didn’t do anything on Saturday for 9-11. Well, two reasons… first, September 11th was always Lethal’s day and it seems wrong and not appropriate for me to try to fill that hole. And secondly, that day still pisses me off! I mean REALLY pisses me off. It’s been 20 years and I still can’t talk about it without getting angry. Izzy was born the day before so I know exactly what I was doing when I heard.

Anyway, today, Sunday I taught another class and it was also the day that Cpl Sanchez was brought home. It was amazing. There must have been 10,000 motorcycles. It took over an hour for all of them to go by.

I saluted.

I cried.

So this is all from right outside the base, where I got caught today. Because once things started they locked the gates and I was caught on the wrong side. Long story- not important.

So, that was my long weekend. I’ll try to give you an update from the conference.

Love and happiness

Cheers.

Good Morning Campers,

No, things are not alright.  Things are definitely not alright.  I’m sure you all heard what Biden has done now about mandating that pretty much everyone gets the “vaccine”.  Now, we’ve already discussed how I had to get it and how the military has to obey orders given to them.  Whether those orders are exactly legal or not is another story, but what is this crap about any business with 100 employees or more?  Not to mention forcing all federal employees to get it?  The loophole of calling it a “National Health Emergency” is a bullshit excuse.  Yet, we are all just going to roll over and let them get away with it.

Now, I don’t really care one way or the other whether you are for or against the shot.  The shot itself is not the issue.  The issue is them FORCING us to get it.  Don’t we have freedoms anymore?  They are saying no.  That by not getting the shot, we are putting everyone else in danger.  Well, aren’t they talking out of both sides of their mouths?  If you already have the shot, what do you have to fear from those who don’t have the shot?  Or are you worried that those who don’t have the shot are going to take your beds in the hospitals away from you so you can’t get your tummy tucks and face lifts?

I know, I know.  There are people who really DO need the beds for real life saving emergencies who can’t get them because of COVID patients who wouldn’t be there if they’d of just gotten the shot.  That’s the real story … at least that’s what they’d have us all believe.  I don’t know.  I really don’t know what to believe. 

But I do know that it chaps my blue ass to have someone force me to get something that hasn’t gone through all the testing that it needs, that has side effects that are killing people, that is being recalled, by the thousands,  and that in some places has proven to be completely useless.

And is all of this just an effort to take our attention off of Afghanistan?  And did you hear that all of those people that were brought back … only about 500 of which have been verified actually helped us Americans, are ALL given green cards, there is a bill being quietly passed through that will give them welfare for life, and they are each allowed to send back for up to five people each to bring back here with the same deal?  Now, I’m not sure how much of THAT is true, but that’s the scuttlebutt that’s being passed around the office lately and if even part of it is true … it’s bullshit!  I know the green card part is true. 

And remember campers … we still have American Veterans living on the streets!   Where the hell are our priorities! 

No … things are definitely NOT alright.

And … I have other news.

I just remembered that I have a conference to go to next week.  So I may or may not be out of touch next week.  It kind of depends on how interesting and in-depth the conference is.  It is called the Indiana Emergency Response Conference.  For Firemen, EMS, and Emergency Managers.  I, of course, fall into the last category.  It is in Indianapolis next Wednesday through Saturday. 

I am also working all weekend, which makes it tough to have an issue out.  It is also the weekend that Cpl Sanchez comes home.  All in all a really, really busy week for our blue dragon. 

It also doesn’t help that today is Izzy Dragon’s 20th birthday, although we celebrated last night, Thursday because … she has to work tonight.  So, I didn’t get a chance to start this issue until tonight, Friday, which doesn’t leave me a lot of time to do a proper job.  So, don’t be surprised if it’s not a long one.

But I’ll do the best I can.

As always.

So, let’s get it started.

One great thing about Louisiana heat …

You can guarantee no one is waiting in your back seat to kill you.

FLORIDA DINER BANS ALL BIDEN SUPPORTERS!!!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIc7jUr-gs4

Absolutely Marvelous!

All I’m saying is – what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?

The difference between booze and weed?

Five drunk guys will start a fight

Five stoned guys will start a band

They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a dog that is about to vomit.  Nothing makes me jump out of bed faster.

And it works over and over again.  Look away and then look back again.

Weird.

Will I ever stop being a sarcastic asshole?

Find out next week on “I think the fuck not.”

If you’re asking me for advice …

I’m going to assume you’re out of all other rational options.

Another dragon walking their pet.

Never give 100% at work, they’ll expect that every day.  Always give 50%, so when you give 25% they’ll just think you’re having an off day and if you ever give 75% they’ll give you a raise.

When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend zoned.

Or she hasn’t spotted you in the tree yet.

What’s the obsession with calling food or recipes “better than sex” … I tried your Pinterest risotto Sharon and frankly I’m wondering if your needs are being met.

My cousin just told me that it’s “not classy” to eat a large box of shrimp fried rice by myself.

I told her that it’s not classy to not know who her child’s father is.

Now everyone’s yelling.

And that’s it my friends.

I know it was short, but that’s all the time I have tonight.

Love and happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

What a week!  Between work, shopping after work, doctor’s appointments and crazy shit, it’s amazing if this issue gets out on time.  Mrs. Dragon is to be fitted for a heart monitor that she has to wear for two weeks to monitor … you guessed it … her heart.  We get to do that tomorrow.  (That’s Wednesday or yesterday for you guys reading this now).  So, I’ll be able to tell you guys about it before the end of this episode.

We had to go to the grocery after work today and just got home a little while ago and now it’s storming outside, but if I have any chance AT ALL of getting a real issue out, I’ve got to at least get it started tonight … even though it’s really almost past my bed time.

The secret to living well and longer is:  Eat half, walk double, laugh triple, and love without measure. ~ Tibetan Proverb

Teacher:  Which book has helped you the most in your life?

Student:  My father’s check book!

I always knew we’d get old.

How fast it happened, was a bit of a surprise though.

Knowing your wife is in the wrong is one thing…

Proving she’s in the wrong is just plain stupidity.

I am the king of all I … oh look, a squirrel! 

Taking your pet for a walk just isn’t as much fun as you would think.  People stare at us all the time.  She’s just so .. so … big!  And the axe she carries doesn’t help.

Okay, so just got back from the hospital and Mrs. Dragon now has a brand new extension on her body for the next two weeks.  It looks like this:

It’s always recording and if she has an “episode” there’s a button she can push to … do something.  I’m not really sure.  But at the end of the two weeks she removes this device, puts it in the box which is pre-addressed, drop it in the mail and … again, I got nothing here. 

I just read this to Mrs. Dragon and she asked me if I was retarded.  She’s not allowed to say that anymore, right?  She told me that it records shit.  … Okay, I really, still got nothing here, but it does give you some insight into what I live with on a daily basis.  And since I’m reading this to her as I’m writing it, she’s now laughing like hell, so that accomplished something, anyway.

We really do have a great relationship.  One of the best things we do when we go out … like to the doctor’s office or to the hospital today … is make other people laugh.  Like when we went up to the registration desk and the lady asked for her name and she told her and I immediately turned to her very seriously and said, “That’s not what you told ME earlier!”  Which of course cracked the lady up.  And then Mrs. Dragon gave me the finger, which REALLY cracked the lady up.  Then the lady asked her what her date of birth was and she told her.  And of course, I had to say, “That’s not what you said, either!”  And by this time there were a few of them around and they all cracked up.  But … it’s also stuff like that that gets me in trouble, too.  Like at the grocery store, when she goes to pay with her debt card and I whisper just a little too loud something like, “Is that the one you got from that drunk you rolled last night?”  And people wonder why I go to work with bruises…

I think the scariest part of that song “Born to be Wild” is when they find a head out on the highway.

 

Lord, give me coffee to change the things I can change and whiskey to accept the things I can’t.

 

 

Now this is a standoff!

Just found out there’s no popcorn in popcorn shrimp.  Guess there’s no reason to try pot roast.

My mom didn’t raise no quitter.

 

She raised a procrastinator.

I adopted a dog from a blacksmith.  As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!

 

 

 

 

 

 

This last one is a good one to keep putting out.  We were told today that Cpl Sanchez will be coming home on Sunday.

I was happily watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when the guy on triangle disappeared.

Okay, this is about the last chance for anyone of you who haven’t had a chance to donate this year to do so … not that I would turn anyone down who wants to donate any OTHER time of the year, but you all know that there is only one time of the year that I solicit donations to pay the bills at Word Press and for the name Dragon Laffs which I own. 

So, Let’s call this the last push.  Last chance to send me a cup of coffee, last chance to get your name on the wall of fame, last chance to this year to help pay the bills.  Special special, extra special thanks go out to:

Richard E.     Dan T.     Daniel W.     Susan W.

Steven H.     Henry S.     Leah H.     Donald G.

Michael C.     Carlos W.     William E.     John R.

Tina C.     Blast Specialties, Inc.     Phillip S.

Bob B.     Archie M.     Scott H.     Lona T.     Patricia G.

You guys are AWESOME!!!

Love and Happiness to you all.

Cheers!

Impish Dragon

Good Morning Campers,

Today is Labor Day … which is kind of ironic to write about while I’m listening to the talking heads talking about a poor jobs report and the economy creating fewer jobs than expected in August.  And how so many people are still staying home because the government is still paying them more to stay home than to go to work.  And we have Biden going on TV saying that the economy is better now than it ever has been before … the poor guy really is confused.

So yeah … Labor Day.  Observed on the first Monday in September it is the annual celebration of the “social and economic achievements of American workers.  The holiday is rooted in the late nineteenth century, when labor activists pushed for a federal holiday to recognize the many contributions workers have made to America’s strength, prosperity, and well-being.”  And that’s a direct quote from the Department of Labor’s website.  So, I suppose we really shouldn’t go into the many jobs that have been sent overseas and how we are now outsourcing so many … never mind. 

I’m feeling very jaded today.

I shouldn’t work on Dragon Laffs and listen to the news at the same time.  It tends to end up annoying the shit out of me.  LOL!

So for now at least, let’s move on to happier things, shall we?

I sat in my Haircutter’s chair and said, “Make me look sexy.”

She started drinking…

Had a date last night.  I really enjoyed it.

So tonight I’m going to try a fig.

Services Provided:  If you ever get ghosted by a person you just slept with, give me their number, I’ll call to tell them we’ve just found your body, that they are the last known person to see you alive and demand they come to the station to answer a few questions.

Definitely need to find these.

“Good Evening.  I’ll be your host tonight.  Let me show you to your rooms.”

“He’s late … again.  I swear I’m not going to keep waiting for him.”

Truer words were never spoken.

I hate to cancel.  I know we made plans to get together tonight, but that was two hours ago.  I was younger then, full of hope.  But now I’m tired.

This is what blue butterflies in the Amazon rainforest in Brazil look like.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along …

I’m self employed.  We’re having a staff meeting.

Why am I the only naked person at this gender reveal party?

My wife NEVER complained …

… until I got hearing aids.

The worst part of spanking a disobedient child in the supermarket is having absolutely no idea whose child it is.

In the end, we won’t remember the most beautiful face and body.  We’ll remember the most beautiful heart and soul.

My face in the mirror isn’t wrinkled or drawn;
My house isn’t dirty and the cobwebs are gone.
My garden looks lovely and so does my lawn;
I think I might never put my glasses back on.

On the eve of the couple’s 10th wedding anniversary, the still slim wife was bragging about her figure. “You know, honey,” she said, “I can still get into the same skirts I did before we were married.” “Yeah?” the husband replied, “I wish to hell “I could.”

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?” “Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?” “Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on. 

Something is wrong here …

Well, politics, current events, and some other stuff …

And it’s abnormal to be in more PPE than I am when teaching CBRN Survival Skills Class

Isn’t it treason to supply your enemy with arms and supplies?

And especially THAT wicked bitch of the west!

Or was it accidently…

If they had just called it “the stay at home challenge” and posted it on Facebook, the virus would be gone by now.

Love and happiness to you all.