So, it’s Saturday morning, it’s President’s Day weekend, Russia is about to invade Ukraine, COVID is about to be over, the weather here won’t make up it’s damn mind, blizzard mode two days ago and 60 degrees on Sunday…which is yesterday for you guys reading this. 

And now, all you hear on TV around here is that we are now “less than 100 days from the Greatest Spectacle in Racing”  The 106th running of the Indy 500!  Oh for crying-out-loud.  That means for the next 3 months that’s all we’re going to hear, over and over and over again.  Then they’ll go right into the Brickyard 500.  Don’t get me wrong.  It’s not that I dislike car racing, I’m just not that big of a fan like a lot of other people are around here. 

Anyway, let’s move on to the laughter portion of our program and see what else comes up over the weekend and talk about it as it comes up.

Waiting to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.

Waaaayyyyy too funny!  Of course, it’s from the Babylon Bee!

Why do we need farmers when we have supermarkets?  Heard this in real life and it blew my mind.

He’s actually not bad, but I did beat him.

Was in a maternity class with my wife.  One of the husbands was an endless source of amazing comments.  My favorite was while on the topic of breastfeeding.  “So, do you just poke holes in them or what?”  There was a very long, very shocked pause from the instructor before she explained it to him.

This is second hand from a diving guide in Bermuda: “How far do you have to dive to get under the island?”

That dragon is about ready to eat his ass!

Me:  I should sleep, it’s late, I’m gonna hate myself in the morning.  

Me to Me:  You already hate yourself, watch the next episode.

I just asked myself if I’m crazy…

And we all said no.

I’m so out of shape that if somebody yells, Run For Your Life!  I’ll be like, you guys go on ahead, I’m going to meet Jesus.

Imagine finding a dragon egg one day, and it hatches in your house and thinks you’re it’s mom.  Then the next morning you wake up and find this mini dragon has gathered all the lose change and shiny objects in your house in a pile, and is gnawing on a nickel.  And then when you take it out for walks, it picks up every coin it sees because it’s a hoarder.  And your house is eventually full of coins.  And you are rich.  And have a dragon.

Irony or just sarcasm?

It’s a short list, but fun

60 may be the new 40
But the 100 dollar bill is now the new 20

And that is the truth!  And with that we will call it a day.  Love and happiness to you all.  Until we meet again.

Good Morning Campers,
It’s the weekend.  And I got nuthin’ to open with. 
We are getting weather again.  First it got warm and all the snow melted and started the flooding, then it started raining and added to the flooding, and then the rain turned to sleet and freezing rain and ice and then snow and froze all the flooding and put a nice layer of snow on top of all the frozen flooding and … well … northern Indiana is an interesting place to live right now.
Izzy Dragon has a doctor appointment and a counselor appointment back to back this afternoon so I’ll have a long boring afternoon, so I guess I really need to laugh more than most today.  If we can even get out with the ice and snow.  I guess we’ll see.  In the mean time …

Friggin’ Pete had some good advice for us for Valentine’s Day that I missed.  Wished I had seen this a couple of days ago, but it’s still good advice.

I’m not all that upset that I don’t have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. Hell, I didn’t have a Groundhog On Groundhog’s Day either and I made it through just fine….

Really good advice.  And you know, Monday is President’s Day and we don’t have one of those, either.

Thankyouverymuch, I’ll be here all week!!!

 

Here’s some good advice from Joe L.  

 Hi Everyone,

I strongly suggest carefully inspecting the box of any tool. There have been a number of instances where a tool was returned and the store put it back on the shelf.

I ran into this recently at a big box store when I bought a DeWalt biscuit joiner. There was only one on the shelf and I was going to take it. The young man helping me did not care if I opened the box to check. It had wear marks on the bottom plate and one accessory was missing. They did have one more but it was on the very top of the storage shelf. He got the big ladder and got it for me. Seemed to be factory sealed so I didn’t open it. I checked it as soon as I got home and everything was fine. Correct parts were also there.

If you buy a tool, don’t just put it away in the garage. Open the box right away and make sure it looks new. If you wait a few months to do this, the store may not accept the return. Apparently, people are buying items, using them for their project and returning them. Be careful.

…Joe

Good advice!  Caveat emptor!

One of the toughest jobs I EVER had.  Babysitting.

TO ERR IS HUMAN
To Blame It On Someone Else
Shows Management Potential

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.  The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves.

Just because it’s interesting and beautiful.

Nice!

I have put a lot of thought into it and I just don’t think being an adult is gonna work for me.

EXERCISE makes you look better naked.
So does WINE.
Your Choice.

I OFTEN WORRY ABOUT THE SAFETY OF MY CHILDREN

Especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me and talking back right now.

LAZY is such an ugly word.
I prefer the term Selective Participation.

“It’s not worth doing something unless someone, somewhere, would rather you weren’t doing it.”

I hate when people ask me what I did yesterday.  I don’t know…I breathed a lot.  Probably got mad at something…Sighed heavily.  The list goes on.

One thing no one ever talks about when it comes to being an adult, is how much time we debate keeping a cardboard box because it’s, you know… a really good box.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.  No one else cares.  Why should you?

He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armor shouting, “All the Gods are bastards!”

I leave my house a mess so when friends visit they go home feeling better about their own housekeeping skills.

I’m just that good of a friend.

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.

Either way, the silver bullets worked.

And that my dear friends is that.
May your days be filled with love and happiness.

Lots of things to talk about this morning. 

Clinton paid to infiltrate Trump servers to make it look like Trump was working with Russia.  Both in the Whitehouse and at his home.  First of all, she couldn’t have done that without the FBI’s help.  What a clusterfuck this is turning out to be!  And it turns out the President Trump was right all along!  More to come on that one.

And Los Angeles wins the Super Bowl.  Dammit.  I didn’t really expect the Bengals to win, but a guy can hope, right?  And the Bengals did get away with a really blatant facemask foul that earned them a touchdown, so … there is that.  But, all’s well that ends well, I guess.  Had Cincinnati won, everyone would have been screaming over that foul.  As it is now, it’s just a conversation piece.

So, I guess we can get started on our regular stuff now, I don’t have anything else to talk about at the moment.  I’m sure that will change.

Anyone who has ever had a sleep study done (I’ve had several) knows how accurate this cartoon really is.  And knows how impossibly hard following those simple instructions really are.  “Sleep normally.”  My ass!

This next one is very odd, yet somehow it touches my soul…

Just too fucking weird

I’m amazed how many women will keep going back to that man who has hurt them and screwed up their life a thousand times over but …

they refuse to go back to that lady who screwed up their haircut one time …

Just wrong on SO many levels.

“Yeah, sure.  I’ve got a light.”

Be careful who you let on your ship because some people will sink the whole ship just because they can’t be the captain.

“Do you want to pet my pussy?” 

Yes, I know it’s lame, but I’m still not operating with all my brain cells…

Me: [hears baby crying in the night] I’ll go  

Wife:  Thank you.  

Me:  [grabbing suitcase] I’ll be back by the weekend

I love when I make deals with myself like I don’t know I’m 100% full of shit.

Gotta love the math jokes.

My posts aren’t targeted at anyone specifically, but if you feel offended, I’m glad I could reach one person.

Everyone loves the honest person, until the honest person strikes a chord with a truth they were not ready to receive.

And he has the nerve to say he has the best economic growth in history.

So…lots of crack pipe jokes in this bunch.  Shows what is currently going around the internet.

Out of all the lies I’ve told
“Just Kidding”
is my favorite

Don’t you just love it when karma bites them in the ass?

And another…

I remember reading this story of this guy who met his wife at a Star Trek convention bus she spoke Portuguese and he spoke French, but they both could speak Klingon and that’s how they communicated through the first few months of their relationship until they learned each other’s languages.

I see we’re going to do a few more of these..

Yesterday I was cooking dinner and my son came up to me and said, “Someday I’ll work and help you with groceries, bills, and house expenses.”  My eyes started to tear up…my baby will be 32 next month!

And that’s if for today dear friends and family.  Love and happiness to you all.  Until we play again.

I’m actually writing this to you on Friday, before Saturday’s issue has even published.  It’s now been over a month since Mrs. Dragon was in the hospital for the second time and I have yet to get a bill from the hospital.  I have gotten a couple of insurance statements from ancillary services like x-ray and lab work, but I haven’t seen any bills for anything.  And the one insurance statement that I saw for the hospital portion was incomplete and was over $50k.  Every day I go out to the mailbox is like playing Russian Roulette, not knowing if today is going to be the day that I’m going to have to try to work things out with a huge bill or whether the insurance is going to cover it or what’s going on.  Just another damn thing I’m waiting on.  I’m really tired of it.

And now I have to schedule my hip surgery and then comes physical therapy, then it will either be shoulder surgery or knee surgery and physical therapy after that … damn … it sucks getting older.  And it’s friggin’ expensive!  And people ask me why I haven’t retired yet!  I can’t afford it!  LOL!

Anyway, as things become more apparent I’ll add them to my writings.  In the meantime, let’s go ahead and do some laughing to get us started, shall we? 

Sometimes obeying God will make you look crazy, get you canceled, mocked, and even laughed at.  But, when the rain started to fall, Noah didn’t look that stupid anymore.

Tripped and hit my head on a snare drum and now I think I have a percussion.

An Army Captain is assigned to a remote desert post in Iraq. 

During inspection, he notices a camel tied up outside the barracks. 

He asks the soldier, “Why is that camel there?” 

The soldier says, “There are 250 men here and no women, sometimes men get urges.” 

A month later the captain has urges himself.  He puts the ladder behind the camel, drops his trousers and has sex with the camel.  He asks the soldier, “Is that how the men do it?” 

“No sir, they usually ride it to the brothel.”

Even the drink ware at Cavern de Impish is something special

Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.  Not so much to prevent COVID-19, but to stop eating.

I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun.  Then I realized that it was one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins.

“Come on Bro.  Try me!  See what happens!”

Some of you may have been following the somewhat conversation between Hank and I in the comments section.  And if so, you may know that a few days after I lost my dear Mrs. Dragon, Hank also lost his loving wife.  And he has wanted to share something with me about the death of a spouse and we finally connected off line … and, well, this is what he shared with me.  And I have to say, that I have not read anything that explains it so well.  I don’t mean to take time out in the middle of the laughter to share something so personal and touching, but perhaps this is the perfect time.  Thank you Hank, and I’m sure that mine and all our prayers are with you and your family.  I know that there are no words that help, just know that you are loved.

Thank you for allowing Hank and I to share a little bit of our selves with you at this time.  We’ll now get back to the laughter.

40 years of marriage..   

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.   

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.   
She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’   

The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.’   
The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.   

The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.’   

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. !   

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…  The husband became 92 years old.   

The moral of this story:   
Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female …..   

When cannibalism starts, Vegans are the closest thing there is to a free range, antibiotic free, grass fed meat source.

RESPECT!!

NEVER underestimate the therapeutic power of driving and listening to very LOUD music.

And 17 of those 20 are on my playlist…my CURRENT playlist.

The most important parts of the Superbowl are the commercials and the food. 

I really don’t care who makes the most baskets.

There’s a really great story behind this warning that somebody knows.

You’ll never be brave
if you don’t get hurt.
You’ll never learn
if you don’t make mistakes.
You’ll never be successful
if you don’t encounter failure.

It’s one of the reasons we’re kept so busy and why we charge such high rates.

With all this “Gun Control” talk, I haven’t heard even one single politician say how they plan to take guns away from criminals, just law abiding Citizens.

Funny how we were raised not to be peer pressured into taking experimental drugs and now we’re being peer pressured into taking experimental drugs.

“Is this Pismo Beach?”

Well, yesterday was the Super Bowl (as you are reading this) but I have no idea of the winner because it hasn’t happened yet (as I am writing this).  The Rams are favored by 4 points as of the writing of this paragraph.  And I believe they will probably win (which ought to put enough of a curse on them for them to lose) (see the reverse psychology I used there?)  but I will be cheering for the Bengals.  Not that I have any real reason to, just because they are the underdogs and haven’t won a Super Bowl in the past, although they have been in it twice before.  So… I guess we’ll see.  And that’s my Super Bowl pause.

Well, and I suppose we deserve another pause here since today is also Valentine’s Day.  Not that it’s going to be special for me this year and, truth be told, it was never really special between Mrs. Dragon and I.  We felt like it was a made up holiday and we didn’t need a special day, once a year to show our love and romance.  We did that every single day, so in effect, every day was Valentine’s day.  If you try to find something, even some little thing or reason to tell or show your someone special how or why they are special to you, every day, then when Valentine’s Day comes around you’ll find that, like us, it’s just another day of the year.  I highly recommend this path much more than trying to do something special one day a year.  Make every day special, make him or her feel special every single day.  It really doesn’t take much.  Trust me.  We never had much and we managed it. 

Anyway, let’s do some of these cartoons and memes, just because it’s the right day for it.

Happy Valentine’s Day to each and every one of you.  May you have a wonderful day.

And that seems like a really good place to bring this one to a close.  May you all have a laughter filled week and may your time be filled with love and happiness.  Thank you my friends and family for being here for me, you are really helping me through a tough time.  I deeply appreciate all that you do.

So, Let’s get this humor ezine back on track, shall we?  Battling the world’s bullshit with laughter.  That’s what we do.  And my life is full of bullshit right now, so we need an extra large dose of laughter.  

I really don’t have anything to talk about this morning.  It’s Thursday morning and I am at the beginning of a four-day weekend because I worked through last weekend.  I talk to my lawyer on the phone in a couple of hours about getting a trust set up and a few other things that need to be done now that I’m in the position I’m in.  And I have an appointment with the surgeon this afternoon to talk about how I am supposed to have hip surgery now that my help is gone.  So, I guess I’ll have some stuff to talk about later, so in the meantime, let’s get some laughter going and we’ll get to the other stuff later.

If we had any balls left in this country, we would do it yet!  This man is one of the biggest threats to our country!  Hell, tarring and feathering and running him out on a rail is probably too GOOD for him.

And she’s looking back at the camera like, “What the fuck are you looking at?  Ain’t nuthin’ to see here.”

People think I go out of my way to piss them off.  Trust me, it’s not out of my way at all.

Therapist:  You saw the red flags though, right?  

Me:  I thought it was a carnival.

Not my circus, not my monkeys. 

But I definitely know the clowns.

My cousin Neville at his part-time job.  He is a security guard at a home and garden shop.

You often see a TV Anchor ask Senator Kennedy a question, and one would think he is just a “good ole boy” from Louisiana.
 
Kennedy graduated Magna cum Laude from Vanderbilt, has a Law degree from the University of Virginia, and a B.C.L. degree from Oxford in England, where he was a First-Class Honors graduate.
 
He is no country bumpkin; he is very insightful and often humorous.
 
Comment about Cuomo lecturing us.
“It’s like a frog calling you ugly”
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
This election in GA will be the most important in history. You have nothing to worry about unless you are a taxpayer, parent, gun owner, cop, a person of faith, or an unborn baby!
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Senator John Kennedy from Louisiana describes Democrats as the “well-intended arugula and tofu crowd.”
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
You can only be young once, but you can always be immature.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Americans are thinking, there are some good members of Congress but we can’t figure out what they are good for. Others are thinking, “How did these morons make it through the birth canal.”
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
It’s as dead as four o’clock.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Always follow your heart…..but take your brains with you.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
The short answer is ‘No.’ The long answer is ‘Hell No.’
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
It must suck to be that dumb.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
When the Portland mayor’s IQ gets to 75, he oughta sell.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
I keep trying to see Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer’s point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up my ass.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Go sell your crazy somewhere else…we are all stocked up here .
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
She has a Billy goat brain and a mockingbird mouth!
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Sen. John Kennedy (R., La.) said on Wednesday that he trusted most Middle Eastern countries as much as gas station sushi.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
You can get a goat to climb a tree, but you’d be better off hiring a squirrel.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
1. This has been going on since Moby Dick was a minnow.
2. Never stand between a dog and a fire hydrant.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Our country was founded by geniuses, but it’s being run by idiots.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy

It appears that he might do the right thing, but only when closely supervised and cornered like a rat. – Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy 

Dumb enough to be a twin of himself.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
This is why space aliens won’t talk to us.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Democrats are running around like they found a hair in their biscuit.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Chuck Schumer just moo’s and follows Nancy Pelosi into the cow chute.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
What planet did you parachute in from?
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Just because you CAN sing doesn’t mean you should.
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy
 
Senator John Kennedy on Nancy Pelosi, “She can strut sitting down!”
– Louisiana Sen. John Kennedy

The true and rightful shame of this is that someone felt the need to put this warning up in the first place!

Wow!  I normally have to have a hit or three before my sandwiches dance.

My niece, in her human form, is a fantasy underwear model, and thinks it’s hilarious that humans get so excited over under garments.  

Gentle Thoughts For Today

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have become really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are  ‘XL’.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.  For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs…’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know ‘why’ I look this way.  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

[Brings therapist to family gathering]  

Me:  See?  

Therapist:  OH.  MY.  GOD.

No matter how you feel about the vaccine, there is an awful lot of truth in this next one.  Thanks to John S. for sending it in.

PERFECTLY STATED by Karen Wiebenga

Among all the vaccines I have known in my life:

— diphtheria

— tetanus

— smallpox

— typhoid

— anthrax

— rota virus

— measles

— rubella

— chickenpox

— hepatitis

— meningitis

— tuberculosis

I want to also add:

— flu and pneumonia.

I have never seen a vaccine that forced me to wear a mask and maintain my social distance, even when you are fully vaccinated.

I had never heard of a vaccine that spreads the virus even after vaccination.

I had never heard of rewards, discounts, incentives to get vaccinated.

I never saw discrimination for those who didn’t.

If you haven’t been vaccinated no one has tried to make you feel like a bad person.

I have never seen a vaccine that threatens the relationship between family, colleagues and friends.

I have never seen a vaccine used to threaten livelihoods, work or school.

I have never seen a vaccine that would allow a 12-year-old to override parental consent.

After all the vaccines I listed above, I have never seen a vaccine like this one, which discriminates, divides and judges society as it is.

And as the social fabric tightens… It’s a powerful vaccine!

She does all these things except IMMUNIZATION and recovering from the virus means NOTHING.

If we still need:

— a booster dose after we are fully vaccinated,

—and we still need to get a negative test after we are fully vaccinated

— and we still need to wear a mask after we are fully vaccinated

— and can still be hospitalized after we have been fully vaccinated

“It’s time for us to admit that we’ve been completely deceived.”

There are so many scams on the internet nowadays.  For only $9.99, I can tell you how to avoid them.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day!  A lady asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over…

No shit!

And again…No Shit.

So, I didn’t end up talking to the lawyer, he ended up getting stuck in court, so we changed our appointment to next week.  It’s not like I’m in a great rush, so that’s no big deal. 

I did see the surgeon and he took another x-ray and asked me how it was I was still walking around?  I said that there were times that it didn’t hurt that bad.  He said either I was immune to pain or crazy.  I said probably a little of both.  The last x-ray showed a tiny bit of cartilage left in my hip, this one showed none.  It should be excruciating.  I said that at times it was, but that I operate at a higher pain level than most people.  He looked at me very strangely.  He said this needs to be taken care of as soon as possible.  So, I guess I’m going to have to arrange my rides and get things put together.  The hard stuff starts.  Time to reach out. 

But that’s what friends are for, right? 

Right. 

Anyway, that’s the end of today’s episode.  I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did.  Thanks for helping me get through this.  And until next time, love and happiness to you all.