So, I owe you an explanation as to why there was no Dragon Laffs on Saturday.  It started with Thursday afternoon/evening and me spending five hours in the Emergency Room of the local hospital.  Not my usual hospital, which is about 30 minutes away, which is the one I trust, but the local one, the one I don’t trust, the one I said I wouldn’t send my worst enemy to. 

Why? You might ask? 

And ask you well might.

Because I had fairly well convinced myself that I was having a heart attack. 

But, Impish, I thought you said you had the heart of a 19-year-old. 

Well, as it turns out … I do.  Let me ‘splain. 

I have been feeling light-headed, dizzy, groggy and just plain out of it for the past couple of days.  On Thursday it was bad enough that I went home early.  Slight chest pain and nausea with some difficulty breathing.  I got home and laid down and just thought I ought to take my blood pressure.  So I broke out Mary’s old blood pressure machine and it registered me as 79/35. 

I fucking freaked. 

Mini panic attack, right then and there. 

Heart palpitations the whole nine yards.  Grabbed Izzy Dragon, locked up the dogs, we’re going to the hospital, right now! 

I drove, Izzy doesn’t drive.  Panting the whole way.  Now, I’m convinced that I have pain in my chest, it’s hard to breathe, light-headedness is worse.  Really working myself into this. 

Got to the ER in about 10 minutes.  Went to that one because it’s so close, figured any ER should be able to handle a heart attack, right?  They got me in the back right away, hooked me up to the EKG, took a test, took my blood pressure … “Mr. Dragon … um … your EKG is picture perfect and … um … your blood pressure is 120/69, also perfect.  Sir, you have the heart of …”

“A nineteen year-old.”

“Well, I was going to say a twenty-one year-old, but we can go with nineteen if you like.”

So, long story, not as long as the five hours I spent there.  They drew blood and ran some heart enzyme tests, took a chest x-ray, did some other labs, and here’s what they came up with: 

#1 The antidepressants STRONGLY overreacted with some of the other meds I’ve been taking and they kicked my ass.

#2  It’s possible my blood pressure medication that I’ve been on for years and years is now a bit too strong for me now that I’ve lost 100 pounds and it drove my blood pressure down.  Need to reevaluate with my primary doctor. 

#3  I have arthritis.  I have pain throughout my body.  When I thought I was having heart problems, I focused on the pain that is always in my chest and it became more than it is. 

#4  The difficulty breathing was panic.  I was having a panic attack, which has never happened to me before, but I have also never had this kind of grief and depression before, either. 

So, the final outcome is that I am off those antidepressants and should be relatively back to normal by the time you are reading this.  I am a fucked up mess over all.  And I spent Thursday night and all day Friday recovering, so no DL on Saturday.  I did find a Grief Group to attend starting in the second week of May and today, being Saturday, I actually got up and mowed the lawn, which was beginning to look like a jungle, so…well on the way to recovery.  Still a tiny bit light headed, so no chainsaws or backhoes in my future, otherwise I think I’m doing okay.

One other thing before we get started on the laughter today.  I do want you guys to send your prayers up for my brother the Owl.  He’s back in the hospital after having his second kidney surgery.  Seems he’s got some post surgery infection going on and it could be serious.  He’s not doing well and needs all the prayers and well wishes that he can get.  Thanks.  You guys are the best! 

NOW…

7-Year-Old:  Dad! Dad! 

Me:  What? 

7YO:  What if Bigfoot is just a Wookiee who got lost? 

Me:  [Leans in close] Tell me more…

My friend told me she wouldn’t eat beef tongue cause it came out of a cow’s mouth. 

So I gave her an egg.

Just overheard my 54 year old dad tell my 58 year old aunt, “Don’t tell mom.” 

So, apparently that’s a lifelong thing.

Baby Impish Dragon.

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. 

The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?” 

The rabbit replies, “I dunno.  I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”

So, even ex-girlfriends and Ex-wives get their pictures in DL every now and again…

I wish these people who claim I’m “disconnected from reality” would just get off my spaceship.

You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid, who acts just like you.

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

You know you’re getting old when “Friends with Benefits” means having someone who can drive at night.

I do all my own stunts … but never intentionally.

Damn, I feel old, too Stephanie!

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. 

I now have Heinzsight.

May your day be filled with peace and love and happiness.

And it’s Thursday, the Gateway to the weekend.  One more day of work and then the weekend is here!  I’d say I can hardly wait, but … I really can.  Wait that is.  I have no plans and I think I need some.  Sometimes the weekends are the hardest.  But, for now, I guess it’s just you and me.  So, let’s put some laughter down, shall we?

Just a gentle reminder that not every day “has to count”.  Some days are about just making it to the next one.  That counts, too.

The fitness trainer asked me, “What kind of squat are you accustomed to doing?” 

I said, “Diddly.”

We live in a world where your kid cannot pretend to be an Indian.  But a grown man can pretend to be a woman.

Best friends forever.

I just got a full tank of gas for $22.  Granted, it was for my lawn mower, but I am trying to stay positive here.

I’ve always wondered if songbirds get mad at hummingbirds for not knowing the words.

Please do not wear flip flops if your feet look like you could swoop out of the sky and snatch your dinner from a lake.

Pest Extermination is one of the more difficult professions at Dragon Laffs, Inc.

I’ve never related more to a news story than the lost hiker who didn’t pick up for rescuers because it was an unknown number.

I completely empathize with this pooch!

I can’t believe it either.

They say, “Don’t try this at home” so I’m coming over to your house to try it.

The number of people who confuse “to” and “too” is amazing two me.

The truth behind the sinking of the Titanic.

Musicians are just therapists that you can party with.

Me:  Can I drink alcohol on this medication? 

Doctor:  Well, one drink is gonna feel like you’ve had 4 … 

Me:  Oh, so I’m saving money!!

One who points out your flaws is not necessarily your enemy; the one who always compliments you is not necessarily your friend.

I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actress…

Two little boys were at a wedding when one leaned over to the other and asked, “How many wives can a man have?” 

His friend answered, “Sixteen…four better, four worse, four richer, and four poorer.”

Mom:  If a stranger came up to you and said, “I’m your mom’s friend, she told me to pick you up.” What would you say? 

Kid:  I’d say, “You’re lying.  My mom has no friends.” 

Mom:  Not where I was going, but OK.

Helen Waite is in charge of our complaint department.  If you have a complaint you can go to Helen Waite!

And that’s it for today my friends.  Love and happiness to you all.

Well, I spent the day teaching today … and … I ended up doing something to my damn hip.  Screwed it up bad.  To the point that I can barely walk.  The problem is that I’m not sure how the hell I did it.  No twisting, no falling, no hurting…it just sort of started.  And it got worse and worse until I could barely walk.  Now, it is hurting the heck out of me…and it sucks! 

So, naturally, what we need to do is laugh. 

As hard and as long as we can. 

We laugh so we don’t have to cry.

Girls should stop saying “All men are the same”.  No one asked you to try them all.

Today I tried non-alcoholic beer…

it was like watching porn on the radio.

The next person who walks out of my life, I’m going with them. 

I’m sick of my shit, too.

Makes perfect sense…

Even best friends don’t see eye-to-eye all the time.

We need to see THAT sign in the window of more stores.

LUV THE IRISH 🍀

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Elderly Irish cop.

He thinks that he is smarter than the old cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education than any Irish cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Irish cop’s expense!

The old Irish cop says, “License and registration, please.”

London Lawyer says, “What for?”

Irish cop says, “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

London Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

The old Irish cop says, “Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. License and registration, please”

London Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”

Irish cop says, “The difference is, ye huvte come to complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”

London Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

The old cop says, “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”

The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.

The od cop takes out his baton and starts beating the living shit out of the lawyer and says, “Daeye want me to stop or just slow down?”

It is a beautiful frame.

Let’s do some of this…

Thanks Kris, as I think I mentioned, as of your reading of this I’ve been on the new meds for almost a week now.  I haven’t noticed any improvement, but I guess I’m not supposed to for a couple more weeks yet.  So … good fun.  I’ll let you guys know how it’s going.

Thanks Hippogal.  Another Aussie heard from!  I truly appreciate the encouraging words.  Cheers!

Oh Dear Leah, it’s always something exciting with you!  I’m sorry it went such an expensive route and I really can’t think of a silver lining except that now it’s done.  Be well dear friend.

Boy, that’s true, enough!

John S. sent me this really humorous article that he found on MSN titled: 

Massachusetts Man Convicted For Backyard Helicopter Operation

With traffic congestion a real problem, people can get pretty creative so they don’t have to sit on crowded roadways. Lest you think buying a helicopter and flying it out of your backyard is a good solution, learn from the mistakes of a man in East Brookfield, Massachusetts who got caught doing just that. Now he’s paying the price for not following federal aviation rules.  

Read the rest of the article here: https://www.msn.com/en-us/travel/news/massachusetts-man-convicted-for-backyard-helicopter-operation/ar-AAW6Jxj?ocid=msedgdhp&pc=U531&cvid=836cc6e4ee4a418a969fd0be990b9d45

Now THAT is a friggin’ KITE!!

Charlie’s Angels ain’t got shit on Impish’s Dragonettes!

Someone said, “30 years ago”, and my mind went “Ah yes!  The 1970’s”, but they meant 1992, and now I need to lie down.

I want to thank my parents for not letting me pick my gender while I was still eating Crayons, Glue, and Dog Food.

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor Nightclub was not a bouncer.

Yup, that’s me!

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar…

You can’t tell me that’s a coincidence!

Ladies, don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open.  Be a strong, confident woman, walk over and zip it up for him.

Guaranteed you are going to get some unusual looks…at a minimum!

Not a fucking chance in hell…

Coke Zero is fine, but I’d really like to see Double Chocolate Milkshake with Extra Whipped Cream and Rainbow Sprinkles Zero.

That’s it for today.  God Bless you all.  Love and Happiness your way.

It’s Saturday, and I’m working again.  But, I only have one class today and I’m only working on Saturday.  So I SHOULD be able to get a Monday issue out this weekend, but this is Saturday’s issue we’re dealing with, so let’s talk about Saturday type stuff.  And that means anything from Wednesday (when I finished the last issue) till Saturday (when I anticipate this issue will be read). 

So, right now, as I’m writing this, it’s Thursday, late afternoon.  I got off work a little bit early, so I thought I’d throw an hour at this before I have to go to my LEPC meeting tonight.  So, for those of you who don’t know, LEPC is Local Emergency Planning Committee.  It is a county organization that I am required, by Department of the Air Force Regulation, to be a part of.  And actually, because of where our base sits, we belong to three different county LEPCs.  And because there is me, my deputy, and my assistant deputy, each of us takes a different county.  I take the county the base actually sits in, which I consider to be the “main” county.  My deputy takes the county that is the “biggest” county in the area (which is why we also belong to that county) and the assistant deputy takes the county that we also sit a tiny portion in (one far end of the runway sits in another county) and is the third in line as he is in seniority.  BUT, he has the highest aspirations and has a declared goal of having my job in 3 years time.  Which, is a pretty good goal seeing as how I don’t retire until 3 1/2 to 4 years from now. 

And I approved his goal on his personal progress plan…

Which surprised the hell out of him…

And I told him I would do what I could to help him achieve his goal. 

So, that was a lot more information than you needed to know.  Anyway, there’s lots to go over today.  Including some mail, so let’s get started, shall we?

I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…

“Lemme get a Grande Iced Mocha, No Foam, Quad, Soy, Hexagon, Vortex, Hypothesis, with Steamed Ice.”

I used to LOVE that show!!!!

STOP TAKING FACEBOOK SO SERIOUSLY!  MOST OF YOUR LIKES ARE COMING FROM PEOPLE ON THE TOILET!

I literally have over 75% of these STILL, I think I have owned ALL of these at some point in my life and one of these, was the very first album that I ever bought for myself with my own money!  Any guesses as to which one it was?  Anyone? 

Go ahead…

Take a guess…

Okay…

I’ll tell you…

The answer is…

The very first album…

That I ever bought…

For myself…

With my very own money…

On my own…

Was…

As HUGE a fan of the Moody Blues as I am it wasn’t them!…

It was…

Deep Purple: Machine Head with not only Smoke on the Water, but what I think is one of the most fantastic Side B songs of all times…Lazy.

Welcome to my misaligned youth.

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have started asking humans to prove that they aren’t a robot.

Another bring your pet to work pic.  I’ll leave it up to you to figure out which is the pet and which is the employee.

I miss the old-time movie stars.  You know, the ones who wore clothes and had talent.

Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years, the dry erase board is probably the most remarkable.

This happened yesterday and is important information for our age
 group.  Especially those of us over 65. 

A friend had his 4th dose of the vaccine – the “booster” at a CVS Pharmacy, after which he began to have blurred vision on the way home. 

When he did get home, he immediately called the pharmacy for advice about seeing a doctor, or to be hospitalized. He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but to immediately return to the pharmacy and pick up his glasses.

Our locker room area is a little different than most others, too.

It’s too bad that even at our age, we’re not mature enough to meet for “A” drink, because it will somehow turn into 7 drinks, 5 shots, 3 bottles of wine, and a 2-day hangover.

And you say that like it’s a bad thing…

Just What The Fuck?

Man, they took his horde and everything!!!

Don’t let anyone else ruin your day. 

It’s YOUR day. 

Ruin it yourself.

This damn woman in the gas station just ignored the no pet sign and brought that camel toe in anyway…

There must be one hell of an explanation behind this sign…I know I sure have questions…

“Lemon Pickers Needed”, read the ad in the newspaper.  

 Ms. Sally Mulligan of Clearwater Beach, Florida, saw it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.

 She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

 She has a liberal arts degree from Texas Tech, and a master’s degree from the University of Tennessee.

 For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.  

 The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, “I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume. “However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, I have,” she said. “I’ve been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, once for Hillary and most recently for Biden.”  

 She started work yesterday.

I can’t wait for warm summer nights, outside on the patio. 

*326 mosquitos liked your post*

HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the damn THERMOSTAT?

And that’s it for today my friends.  We’ll see what happens over the weekend.  Love and happiness to you all.

Okay, so I was out mowing the lawn, and as I usually do, I listen to music.  Usually loud, and with the headphones set so that they blank out the background noise so I don’t hear the sound of the mower.  Anyway, one of Mary’s songs came on and I started singing along and crying … which, you can imagine, is a really bad combination on the back of a power mower.  It was Melissa Etheridge, Like the Way I do.  A real power ballad.  Well, I was crying so hard that I couldn’t see where I was going and … well … I hit the house.  Thankfully, it was on the brick part, with the tires so no damage, but I guess the thud was loud enough that Izzy was startled enough inside and the dogs were going nuts.  She came outside to find me crying on the back of the lawnmower … not my best look. LOL!  We both sat out there and laughed for about 5 minutes.  She went in to calm down the dogs and I finished mowing the lawn without further incident. 

Mary … this one is for you!

Just when you think that food can NOT possibly call you on the phone, BOOM!
Onion rings.

Let’s do a real quick one of these PSA’s.  I found this on one of the Air Force Emergency Management Boards that I belong to and found it quite informative.

I found this really cool lightning background, set the timer on my cell phone and propped it up on a chair and then jumped up in the air when the timer went off to get this picture.  Actually, I had to try seven times before I got THIS picture.  (I didn’t keep the other six)  Looks cool, right?

So, now these next batch of pictures are all from the same source, as you’ll be able to tell from the first picture — and they’re all from Stephanie.

Now…wasn’t that a twisted collection of …fish?  Whatever they were.  LOL!  Thanks Steph!

Another “Pet Day” picture.  Here’s Harold, with his pet Lisa.

If a child can work a tablet, phone, or game they can work a broom, mop, and dishes!

So…Sasquatch and I started an email conversation that worked its way around to redheads, and, well…I’ll let you join the conversation with that knowledge

Sasquatch:  Trouble seems to be a guiding light sometimes…or is it just cute redheads?  Maybe one and the same.

Impish:  In my experience, cute redheads are ALWAYS trouble.

Sasquatch:  Well, they say well behaved women rarely make history.  My history with redheads does indicate that they are memorable.

Impish:  Yup, mine have been…historic as well.

And then Sasquatch sent along these 3 Memes…

Yeah, that’s pretty much been my experience…

Never been with a blonde for very long, but they’ve been … fun, brunettes have screwed me over twice, but the third time was definitely the charm, (maybe ’cause there was a bit of redhead in there) and the couple of redheads in my life have scared hell out of me.

I do that now.

Tesla is truly smart technology!!

I bought a new Tesla!! It’ll run on an electrical charge. Had to go back to the dealer yesterday because I couldn’t get the radio to work. The service technician explained that the radio was voice-activated. “Nelson,” the technician said to the radio.

The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”

“Willie” he continued and “On The Road Again” flowed from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles”, and in an instant “Georgia On My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away so happy and for the next few days every time I’d say, “Beethoven” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles” I’d get one of their awesome songs.

Well, yesterday, this woman ran a red light and nearly smashed into my new Tesla, but luckily, I swerved in time to avoid her. I yelled at her, “Crazy Bitch”!

The radio replied, “Hillary, Maxine, Kamala, Warren, AOC, or Pelosi?”

God, I love this car!

Okay, that’s disgusting!

So, is that too much TP? 

And how about some mail…or comments real quick?

Good word usage and good sentence structure.  B+

Thanks Cynical John, I’m trying my best, brother.  I get to finally see my counselor tomorrow, while you guys are reading this and I did get to talk to my doctor and get put on some antidepressants, I’ll let you know how that works out.

Thanks Wouter from Centurion, Gauteng, South Africa.  That is way cool!  Man, we have readers from all over the friggin’ WORLD!!!!! Ain’t that sumpin’!  Regards right back atcha!

Why do I feel like there should be a rimshot meme after that last one?

Will make inquires regarding blonde.  And yes, hunters and banjo music do seem to have bad history. 

And that does it for the mail for today.  

A couple of more weird rooms thanks to Stephanie.

So, I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put on some music?” 

I said, “No, not at all.”

He said, “Kiss?” 

I replied, “Let’s just start with the music and see how we feel after that.”

I don’t know if I could take a dump in what I imagine is supposed to be Donald Duck’s mouth…

Feelin’ awful hampsterish…

Yesterday I completed a chore I’ve been putting off for 4 months. 

It took me 20 minutes. 

I will learn nothing from this.

And to add insult to injury, it looks like he’s talking on his phone!

Why?  Just, Why?

And THAT seems like the perfect END to today’s issue.  Thanks again for all your help and input to today’s edition of Dragon Laffs.  I couldn’t have done it without you.  Love and happiness to you all.