So, I owe you an explanation as to why there was no Dragon Laffs on Saturday.  It started with Thursday afternoon/evening and me spending five hours in the Emergency Room of the local hospital.  Not my usual hospital, which is about 30 minutes away, which is the one I trust, but the local one, the one I don’t trust, the one I said I wouldn’t send my worst enemy to. 

Why? You might ask? 

And ask you well might.

Because I had fairly well convinced myself that I was having a heart attack. 

But, Impish, I thought you said you had the heart of a 19-year-old. 

Well, as it turns out … I do.  Let me ‘splain. 

I have been feeling light-headed, dizzy, groggy and just plain out of it for the past couple of days.  On Thursday it was bad enough that I went home early.  Slight chest pain and nausea with some difficulty breathing.  I got home and laid down and just thought I ought to take my blood pressure.  So I broke out Mary’s old blood pressure machine and it registered me as 79/35. 

I fucking freaked. 

Mini panic attack, right then and there. 

Heart palpitations the whole nine yards.  Grabbed Izzy Dragon, locked up the dogs, we’re going to the hospital, right now! 

I drove, Izzy doesn’t drive.  Panting the whole way.  Now, I’m convinced that I have pain in my chest, it’s hard to breathe, light-headedness is worse.  Really working myself into this. 

Got to the ER in about 10 minutes.  Went to that one because it’s so close, figured any ER should be able to handle a heart attack, right?  They got me in the back right away, hooked me up to the EKG, took a test, took my blood pressure … “Mr. Dragon … um … your EKG is picture perfect and … um … your blood pressure is 120/69, also perfect.  Sir, you have the heart of …”

“A nineteen year-old.”

“Well, I was going to say a twenty-one year-old, but we can go with nineteen if you like.”

So, long story, not as long as the five hours I spent there.  They drew blood and ran some heart enzyme tests, took a chest x-ray, did some other labs, and here’s what they came up with: 

#1 The antidepressants STRONGLY overreacted with some of the other meds I’ve been taking and they kicked my ass.

#2  It’s possible my blood pressure medication that I’ve been on for years and years is now a bit too strong for me now that I’ve lost 100 pounds and it drove my blood pressure down.  Need to reevaluate with my primary doctor. 

#3  I have arthritis.  I have pain throughout my body.  When I thought I was having heart problems, I focused on the pain that is always in my chest and it became more than it is. 

#4  The difficulty breathing was panic.  I was having a panic attack, which has never happened to me before, but I have also never had this kind of grief and depression before, either. 

So, the final outcome is that I am off those antidepressants and should be relatively back to normal by the time you are reading this.  I am a fucked up mess over all.  And I spent Thursday night and all day Friday recovering, so no DL on Saturday.  I did find a Grief Group to attend starting in the second week of May and today, being Saturday, I actually got up and mowed the lawn, which was beginning to look like a jungle, so…well on the way to recovery.  Still a tiny bit light headed, so no chainsaws or backhoes in my future, otherwise I think I’m doing okay.

One other thing before we get started on the laughter today.  I do want you guys to send your prayers up for my brother the Owl.  He’s back in the hospital after having his second kidney surgery.  Seems he’s got some post surgery infection going on and it could be serious.  He’s not doing well and needs all the prayers and well wishes that he can get.  Thanks.  You guys are the best! 

NOW…

7-Year-Old:  Dad! Dad! 

Me:  What? 

7YO:  What if Bigfoot is just a Wookiee who got lost? 

Me:  [Leans in close] Tell me more…

My friend told me she wouldn’t eat beef tongue cause it came out of a cow’s mouth. 

So I gave her an egg.

Just overheard my 54 year old dad tell my 58 year old aunt, “Don’t tell mom.” 

So, apparently that’s a lifelong thing.

Baby Impish Dragon.

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. 

The bartender asks the rabbit, “What’ll ya have?” 

The rabbit replies, “I dunno.  I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”

So, even ex-girlfriends and Ex-wives get their pictures in DL every now and again…

I wish these people who claim I’m “disconnected from reality” would just get off my spaceship.

You never realize how weird you are until you have a kid, who acts just like you.

People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.

You know you’re getting old when “Friends with Benefits” means having someone who can drive at night.

I do all my own stunts … but never intentionally.

Damn, I feel old, too Stephanie!

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes. 

I now have Heinzsight.

May your day be filled with peace and love and happiness.