Well, my Saturday class got cancelled, so here I am, thinking about you guys, and I’m going to see what I can put together today for Monday. 

Keepin’ busy. 

Keepin’ busy. 

So, for right now, I’m going to do the laughing and joking thing and then maybe we’ll move on to other things later. 

So,  come on!  Let’s go! We don’t have all day! 

How many of you got that one?

I was shocked, confused, bewildered 
As I entered Heaven’s door, 
Not by the beauty of it all, 
Nor the lights or its decor. 
But it was the folks in Heaven 
Who made me sputter and gasp –
The thieves, the liars, the sinners, 
The alcoholics and the trash. 
There stood the kid from seventh grade 
Who swiped my lunch money twice. 
Next to him was my old neighbor 
Who never said anything nice. 
Bob, who I always thought 
Was rotting away in hell, 
Was sitting pretty on cloud nine, 
Looking incredibly well. 
I nudged Jesus, ‘What’s the deal? 
I would love to hear your take. 
How’d all these sinners get up here? 
God must’ve made a mistake. 
‘And why is everyone so quiet, 
So somber – give me a clue.’ 
‘Hush, child,’ He said, ‘they’re all in shock. 
No one thought they’d be seeing you.’
Author unknown.

The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. Paul Ehrlich (1854 – 1915)

One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

“My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,” said God.

“Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since the Church supports me. I am content in all ways,” said the nun.

“There must be something you would have of me,” said God.

“Well, there is one thing,” she said.

“Just name it,” said God.

“It’s those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blonde jokes to stop.”

“Consider it done,” said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.”

“There is one thing. But it’s really small, and not worth your time,” said the nun.

“Name it. Please,” said God.

“It’s the M&M’s,” said the blonde nun. “They’re so hard to peel.”

Let it snow!  And you wonder why Impish is blue!  It’s bloody cold outside!

A man gets on a plane and takes his seat, only to realize that the occupant of the seat next to him is a parrot. The plane takes off and after some minutes a stewardess approaches.

“Can I get you anything, sir?” she asks the man.

“Yes, I’ll have a coffee, please, when you have a minute. Thank you”.

“And for you, sir?” she asks the parrot.

“A double whisky and coke, bitch, and make it quick, I’m thirsty!” demands the parrot.

The stewardess returns a few minutes later with the parrot’s drink, which he snatches without a word.

“Excuse me,” says the man, “but I ordered a coffee”.

“Did you, sir? I’m sorry, I’ll get you one straight away”. By which time the parrot has finished his drink.

“Anything else for you, sir?” the stewardess asks the parrot.

“Yeah, I want another double whisky and coke, tart. Quick, bitch, I can’t wait all night!”

Again the stewardess returns with the parrot’s drink and without the coffee. Naturally the man thinks the only way he is going to get any service is to adopt the attitude of his fellow passenger.

“Listen here you stupid slapper,” he says to the stewardess, “I want my bloody coffee and I want it now, you cow!”

Two minutes later the stewardess returns, but this time with two enormous security guards, who proceed to manhandle the man and the parrot to the back of the plane, open the door and eject them from the plane.

As they hurtle uncontrollably towards earth from 35,000 feet, the parrot turns to the man and says, “You’re a bit of a lippy bastard for someone who can’t fly, aren’t you!”

During a Coffee Break, two men were talking: “My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden.”

Replied the first man. “So were you able to find some?” the second man, asked.

“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?’.”

“The gardener said ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.’.”

A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa, when the wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?”

He moved over and sat close to her.

“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?”

He reached over and held her tight.

“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and nibble on my ear?”

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to get my teeth.”

“The Girl Scout Cookies are in!”

A man who was really getting behind in paying his bills finally received the following note from one of his creditors:

“Dear Sir, Your account has been on our books for over a year. We want to remind you that we have now carried you longer than your mother did.”

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, “A little birdie told me.”

Did you know they probably aren’t lying? It is a little known fact that there are little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called “Flies Unseen Everywhere” or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken.

They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition. And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, “Huh?”

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE.

Science jokes … gotta love ’em.  

This is a conversation that took place between a young man and a market surveyor in London.

Surveyor: Which shaving cream do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which aftershave do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which deodorant do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which toothpaste do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which shampoo do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: Which condoms do you use?

Young Man: Raymond’s

Surveyor: (Frustrated) Okay, tell me, What is this Raymond? An international company? A local firm? What???

Young Man: Raymond? He’s my roommate.

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked. The front of the church fills first.”

The young priest nodded and the old one continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock ‘n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“Well”, said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru Confessional.

“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!

I know, my son,” replied the old man. “But that flashing neon sign, “Toot ‘n Tell or Go to Hell”, can’t stay on the church roof!

As a young boy, Paul was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.

On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test- drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Paul was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Paul’s leg and fracturing his skull. He was very upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence.

But the company would have none of it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost! You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away – tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Paul went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Paul asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears. With that, Paul looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

“That was amazing!” she said, “How did you do that?”

“No problem”, said Paul, “I’m an ex-tractor fan”

The parish priest very furtively calls the mother superior into his office. This is how their conversation went:

“Sister, I want to show you something.”

“What is it, Father?

“Come into my private room & close the blinds.”

“WHAT?!”

“I said…..”

“I heard what you said – I just can’t believe you’re saying it!”

“Well, I really need you to come in.”

Curious, the nun does as she is told.

“Here, sit on the bed beside me.”

“I have to get out of here.”

“Aren’t you the least bit curious?”

Well, the nun was so she sat down beside him.

“Get under the covers.”

“WHAT?????!!!!!” The nun was really freaking out.

“It doesn’t work otherwise!”

After much coaxing, the nun does get under the covers with him.

He whispers: “Come closer.”

Nervously, she does get closer.

“See,” the priest whispers gleefully, “my new watch does glow in the dark!!!!”

So, normally, it would be the political cartoons that would go here, but since I don’t have any ready right now, I decided to go with a collection of comforting words that all of you have sent me over the last couple of … weeks (?) … months (?) … whatever, because they have meant so much to me, perhaps they will mean as much to some of you.

The last one I got most recently, just a few days ago as a matter of fact, and I think I like it best.  It speaks so much truth.  Thank you to all who have sent these and so many, many others to me.  I know my Mary is in a wonderful, glorious place, spending her days with her Heavenly Father.  I KNOW this to be true.  So, how can I be anything other than happy for her?  No, I’m sad for ME!  Does that make sense?  I MISS HER.  That’s personal.  That has nothing to do with her or where she’s gone, it has all to do with me.  Anyway, I’m just talking myself in circles right now, so, let’s continue on with one more set of laughs, cause I’m running out of time to put this one to bed.  But first, let’s read this…

The Calls That Don’t Get Made

By Bob Greene

‘Tim, get your head off the wall.” I heard myself saying the words aloud, though there was no one else around. I laughed, and my first thought was that I should call Tim and tell him. My second thought was that I couldn’t.

I was visiting the town where we grew up. Tim Greiner was the catcher on our high school’s baseball team, a starting end on the football team, and a guy with whom I cannot recall ever spending a single unhappy moment. His mother would come home from work in the afternoon, we would be sitting on the floor of the living room of his house—he resting his head against the wallpaper— and, without fail, his mom’s first words as she walked in the door would be, “Tim, get your head off the wall.”

So the other afternoon, as I passed his old house, I found myself saying those words and decided to call him and tell him about it, and before I could reach into my pocket for my phone I realized: Tim died in 2009. There’s no one else who would understand.

It happens more and more as you grow older; if it hasn’t happened to you yet, it will. You have good friends who die, and of all the melancholy things that are a part of that, there is one that somehow you never anticipated when you were younger: So often, when there’s something you want to tell the one person in the world who would understand it best, he isn’t there, and never will be again.

It confronts you when you least expect it. At Rubino’s Pizzeria in our town the other night—a place that has been on Main Street since the Eisenhower administration—I walked in and instantly saw that something, for the first time in decades, was different. It was the tabletops: The grungy old ones were gone, replaced by shiny surfaces featuring advertising logos of local companies and likenesses of two of the original employees, Frank Marchese and Tommy Culley. I knew who’d want to know: Allen Schulman, my boyhood friend who had spent as many hours in Rubino’s as I had and who, like me, continued to visit the place as an adult. My hand reached for my pocket again—new tables at Rubino’s were breaking news—and then, as it had outside Tim Greiner’s house, reality intruded. I couldn’t call Allen and tell him. I spoke at his memorial service last January.

The advice manuals about the patterns of mourning break down grief into stages, and that is the usual reference when people try to explain the specifics of loss. But this simple truth—that there’s no one to call—hits you hard every time.

And the moments become more frequent. In our hometown in the 1950s and early ’60s, there was a televised wrestling show—“Lex’s Live Wrestling,” named for its host, a local Chevrolet dealer—that was broadcast every Saturday afternoon from Old Memorial Hall. My friend Kenny Stone and I would ride the bus, buy tickets for 50 cents apiece, and sit entranced as we watched Buddy “Nature Boy” Rogers, Fritz von Goering, Handsome Johnny Barend and the Magnificent Maurice. I passed Old Memorial Hall the other afternoon, noticed that it was now a government building, and knew I had to tell Kenny. But the call went unmade. He’s been gone since 2005, and the news wouldn’t matter to anyone else.

It’s such a quiet and universal part of the cycle of life: As the years pass, for the seemingly small things you most yearn to say, there’s no one left to tell.

Which in itself catches you by surprise. Because no one ever told you about it.

Yup, it’s tough getting older for so many reasons.  So, let’s laugh about it, shall we?

Daughter to Dad … TEXTING Communication in Today’s Generation 

Daddy, I am coming home to get married soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I’m in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia, and he lives in Scotland.
We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp,
he proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, “I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.” 
Lots of love and thanks,

Your favorite daughter,
Lilly

Dad’s reply ….also by texting

My Dear Lilly: 
Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever….., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids
on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal. 
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.

L.O.L. (lots of love), 
Daddy

Cat

So, there is a lot of talk about kids identifying as cats or dogs “furries”, and this is hilarious. 😂. Imagine if you can, that one of my boys told me they thought they were a cat?

Sitting at the supper table son says: “Dad, I think I’m a cat!

Dad: “No son, you’re a boy! “

My son: “No dad some of my friends at school identify as cats, they call themselves furries, and so do I !! It’s my right and you can’t do anything about it!”

Dad: 🤔 “OK!! “

My son: “Hey, where’s my supper? “

Dad: “Your supper is in the catfood bowl in the corner. Now get off the table you mangy cat!”

My son: “What???”

Dad: hits him with a broom, “get off the table furball!!”

My son in the corner looking bewildered!

Me to my wife : “Is that cat neutered”??

My wife: “I will make an appointment!! “

My son: “What??? “ 😳

Dad: “Your mother and I have decided we don’t want a house cat, so get out to the barn and hunt mice!”

My son: “What???”

Dad: brandishes broom, “NOW, to the barn you stupid cat!!”

My son: “Dad, I think I’m a boy!”

Dad: “I thought so, now sit down and eat your supper!!”

Spay and neuter these animals. Stop them from reproducing. Today’s society has enough fruit loops already.

End of story!

“Just try to relax, this won’t take long,” said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient. 

“Haven’t you ever been examined like this before?” he asked.

“Yeah, sure,” she replied, “but not by a doctor!”

Will Rogers, who died in a 1935 plane crash in Alaska with bush pilot Wiley Post, was one of the greatest political country/cowboy sages this country has ever known. 

Some of his sayings:
1. Never slap a man who’s chewing tobacco.
2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.
4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into your pocket.
8. There are three kinds of men:
* The ones that learn by reading.
* The few who learn by observation.
* The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves.
9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
10. If you’re riding’ ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it’s still there.
11. Lettin’ the cat outta’ the bag is a whole lot easier’n puttin’ it back.
12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.

The moral: When you’re full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

And that is it my dear, dear friends.  As it turns out, you DO get an issue on Monday.  Love and Happiness to you all.

It’s Saturday.

And I swear I had this issue started already, but when I went and checked, I hadn’t started it so I’m starting it now, but it just goes to show that my mind isn’t what it is supposed to be right now.

I’m teaching a class today.  I don’t want to be teaching a class today, I want to be hiding in my living room with my covers pulled over my head and my TV on or with my laptop on my lap and ignoring the world because tomorrow is the anniversary of my dear Mary’s passing and this week has been pure hell.

Tomorrow, I have church and then a make up darts match and I don’t think there will be an issue of Dragon Laffs for Monday because I don’t think I will be able to put one together for Monday, so there will be today’s issue and then one on Thursday.  So, I’m asking you to please forgive me now for not having one on Monday.  Please understand, I will be fine.  I’m just deep in my own head right now and it’s an ugly, black little place right now.  I’ve prayed and God is protecting me, but that doesn’t leave a lot of room for a whole lot of anything else.

Anyway, let’s get on with the laughter or I’m not going to have much of an issue for this Saturday either, so …

Here’s a classic oldie…from Joe from NJ:

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.
She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.
The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.
The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car’
‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.
The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years’
‘I remember that, too’ she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

It’s 10pm when the phone rings in Dr. Stein’s house.

“It’s Dr. Gold,” says his wife, passing him the phone,

“I do hope it’s not another emergency.”

Dr. Stein takes the phone and says, “Hi, what’s up?”

“Don’t worry, everything’s OK,” replies Dr. Gold. “It’s just that I’m at home with Dr. Lewis and Dr. Kosiner. We’re having a game of bridge and we’re short one player so we thought you might like to come over and join us?”

“Sure …. yes, of course,” replies Dr. Stein, putting on a serious voice, “I’m leaving right now.” And he puts down the phone.

“What’s happened?” his wife asks, with a worried look.

“It’s very serious,” Dr. Stein replies. “They’ve already called three doctors.”

I’m telling you, it’s a GREAT forest!

And another old classic for your perusal…and again…it’s from from Joe in NJ

Dragon vs. Unicorn in the all time greatest cage mage, ever!  Dragon will win, no doubt!

And you’ll never guess where this river flows … in the Dragon Forest, where else?

And this one is from Friggin’ Pete:

I guess for now, just try to appreciate the unfathomable fact that……you are alive!

How in the world did ANYONE survive THAT?!

And yet ANOTHER oldie, but THIS one is from Friggin’ Pete, which just goes to show you that not everything that is golden and olden is from NJ… 

 

And this follow-on from Friggin’ Pete, which is an old Urban Legend…

Holy Crap!  That was supposed to be a Love Potion!

When you see the handwriting on the wall, you can bet you’re in a public restroom.

That’s an awesome balancing act.  I’d hate to find out that they are glued together.

This next one is from Joe in NJ but I think you could probably sign this one from several of us, LOL!

I just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time and trouble to send me “forwards” and “important” news over the past 12 months. 

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope. Also, I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. 

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans. 

 I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. 

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS. 

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants, even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. 

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a cologne sample and rob me. 

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. 

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. 

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. 

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike. 

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe. 

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me. Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my  prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. 

I no longer have any money because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time) but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program. 

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor! 

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000  people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 6:00 p.m. Michigan time this very evening. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician. 

Happy Holidays to one and all! 

New Year’s Eve, the hostess jumped up on the bar at the local pub and said that it was almost midnight and time to get ready to celebrate.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every man to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.

You would really put that in a review?

John was in a bar looking very dejected. 

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?” 

“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head sadly. “I have a real problem with her.” 

“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.” 

“Yeah,” John answered. “But I got mine pregnant.” 

For a couple of years after high school I worked in a traveling circus.

I was quite heavy at the time.

My act was being shot out of the cannon.

After a few years I quit the circus and went to college. Soon after, the circus went out of business.

Seems they couldn’t find a man of my caliber.

Why Teachers retire early or turn to drink

The following questions were in a ( UK ) GED (grade 12 equivalent) examination– (These are genuine answers).

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house, they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination?
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O, U.

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
(That would work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section.’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit.)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. Name the four seasons

1. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

AND THEY CAN VOTE NOW?

Truly a classic!  Thanks Joe!

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal usbandry. I settled for “Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale.

To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?”, Granny continued. “Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, “Hang on Granny, Hang on!”

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Q: What’s the difference between a boxer and a woman? 

A: A boxer stands up to get knocked down and a woman lies down to get knocked up. 

How much has your day been ruined when an ear of corn has punched through your windshield?

Too weird for words.

And yes, that picture looks familiar because I used it as a header a while back.  Which also leads us to the end of today’s issue.  Thanks very much for your kind attention to the very end of today’s edition and I hope you have a Loving and Happiness filled weekend.  I may or may not see you again on Monday, depending on how my weekend goes, but if you get a spare moment, a kind word to the Man Upstairs for your favorite dragon would not be unappreciated.  Until we meet again…

Today is Thursday … well, for me, it’s actually Sunday and I was going to take the day off and relax, but I got a message from someone and I felt bad about it and had to jump on here and get it off my chest and say:

Let me ‘splain.  I got this comment today:

As to the other part of your comment, Joe, the easiest way to get a hold of me is my new email attached to the actual website for the ezine.

And the Colts are setting records in their game against the Giants.  I’m so proud of these guys.  They have set the record for the Giants having the largest lead of their season … and it’s only half time.  I didn’t think they’d do that well against the Giants, but I really didn’t think they’d let them kick their butts THIS badly.

So, anyway, let’s get some laughs started while we’re here, shall we?

Apparently not this time.

Older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. 

It is NOT a memory problem.

It  is nature’s way of making older people get more exercise.

SO THERE!

Yeah, THAT’S gonna be the problem.

The Math teacher asked Johnny, “How many feet are there in a yard?”

Johnny responded, “It depends on how many people are standing in the yard!”

Apparently, you can’t use “BEEFSTEW” as a password. Why not?
It’s not STROGANOFF.

“So, Yeah.  I just wanted to introduce myself.  I’m your new neighbor.  I’m moving into the cave, right over on the next ridge, I’m pretty quiet, you won’t even know I’m there, and it’s not like I’ll be throwing a lot of parties or anything…”

If you can’t look back at your younger self and realize that you were an idiot, … 
… you are probably still an idiot.

If size doesn’t matter, why are there no 3 inch dildos?

She said her kids have A.D.D….

My smart ass said, “All Different Daddies?”

Now I’m blocked!

Our IT section is a little … different at Dragon Laffs, Inc.  But, we are always looking for, how shall I put this … talented help.

A group of engineering students and their teacher were given free airplane tickets to go on a holiday.  Once on the plane, the Captain announced that they were on the plane the students had built.  

Everyone freaked out and rushed out of the plane, except for the teacher who stayed there with calm.  When the flight attendant asked why he hadn’t left he responded, “I know the abilities of my students quite well, this thing won’t even start.”

Boy, ain’t that the truth!

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.

So, now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Some men will leave the woman that loves them thinking that there are many fishes in the ocean only to go and catch a crab.

My friend is great at selling home security systems.  If people aren’t home, he just leaves a brochure on their kitchen table.

BRAIN AT 3 AM:

I can see you’re trying to sleep, so I would like to offer you a selection of every memory, unresolved issue, or things you should have said or done today as well as in the past 40 years!

WARNING!

All Facebook accounts are being hacked and cloned.
To avoid this you must stand naked on your kitchen table, singing “I Will Survive”, while doing the Macarena.  Only then will Mark Zuckerberg travel down your chimney on a golden unicorn and present you with a special blue token to protect your account.  Now send this to everyone on your contacts list, otherwise goblins will wee in your fridge.

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”
He said, “NO!”
I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
He said, “Okay.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”
Bill Gates said, “NO.”
I told Bill Gates, “My son is the CEO of World Bank.”
Bill Gates said, “Okay.”

I called the President of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.
He said, “NO.”
I told him, “My son is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
He said, “Okay.”

This is how politics works.

Kind of scary when the weather man is the closest one to telling the truth on the news these days…

This is awesome!  Epic Service Dog Training Failure!

And another one … same dog, I think:

Dragon Forest, of course, is where the campground is, where we meet for Dragon Laffs.

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below. She shouts to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, “You must be a Republican!”

“I am,” replies the man. “How did you know?”

“Well,” answers the balloonist, “everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’re not much help to me.”

The man smiles and responds, “You must be a Democrat.”

“I am, replies the balloonist. “How did you know?”

“Well,” says the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.”

And that is it my friends.  I hope you have a wonderful day and that it is filled with Love and Happiness.

It’s Monday, and after a very nice week away from the job where I wasn’t really away from the job, it’s time to go back to work tomorrow and I suppose I’m ready.  I’ve been in my own head too much and I need to disappear into something else.  Not that I’m going to be able to do anything worthwhile for any significant length of time, but it’s better to give it a try.

Anyway, I hope everyone had a safe and happy New Years.  That everyone had a wonderful time and arrived back home safely.  That is my sincere hope and prayer.

I’m re-watching one of my favorite all-time shows.  The West Wing.  Not crazy about their politics, but I love the show.  The dialog, the plots, the people, the story lines, all of it.  One of the channels is playing it over the holidays, so I decided to start from episode one on HBO Max and started watching it all.  Right now, there’s nothing else on TV anyway, so why not?

So, getting old sucks.  Went to the dentist today because my teeth are falling apart and apparently it’s time for me to get dentures on top and at least a partial on the bottom to the tune of five grand out of pocket AFTER insurance.  I had to say, no it’s not time, my car is already causing me to go broke, I can’t go broke twice so it HAS to wait.  No choice.  But I will say this, I’m really getting tired of this.

“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.” 

Sam Levenson (1911 – 1980)

You Know It’s Time to Diet and Exercise When…

You try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

Your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy’s first wife was.

You get winded just saying the words “six-kilometer run.”

You come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.

You analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.

You step on a talking scale and it says, “Come back when you’re alone.”

To you, “Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini” and “The Impossible Dream” become the same song.

You accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you’re wearing a bathing suit.

Henry was at the doctor’s office for a follow up visit.

After the examination, he said to Doctor Tannenbaum, “Well, Doc, you sure kept your promise.”

“How’s that?” Doctor Tannenbaum asked.

“Well, you said I’d be walking in a month,” answered Henry. “and you were right.

I had to sell my car to pay your bill!”

Another good one from our dear friend Friggin’ Pete:

Pete, I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Thank you for the laughter and the parts of your life you have graciously shared with all of us.  We are honored by your generosity.

Look at this weather being all springy and cute like it didn’t just try to kill us last week.

Someone has stated that the three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are: “Peace on Earth”, “Goodwill to Men” and “Batteries not included.”

“It’s a new year, go and find that damn dragon.  He’s got work to do.”

Actually, the answer is coming up after the next picture, so you don’t have to wait until the very end.  Do you know what it is?  I knew right away, but then again, I’m older than a lot of you are.

Okay, last chance to guess what that contraption was before I show you the answer … are you ready?

Are you sure?

Really sure?

Okay, here it goes.

And there you have it!

If you’re singing Christmas songs on your neighbor’s lawn at night with your church group, it’s called “caroling.”

But if you’re doing it alone with no pants on, it’s called “drunk and disorderly.”

There were two blondes who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, “I’m chopping down the next tree I see. I don’t care whether it’s decorated or not!”

No one can fracture a Christmas carol better than a kid.

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel, Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel. With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

You’ll tell Carol, “Be a skunk, I require”

Good tidings we bring to you and your kid

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas.

In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth mentioning again, that Pearls before Swine is probably one of my favorite comics of all time.

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. Upon entering they are told by Saint Peter that they must present something “Christmassy” in order to get into heaven. 

The first man searches his pockets, and finds some pine needles from the family’s Christmas tree. He is let into Heaven. 

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed into Heaven. 

The third man pulls out a pair of black lace panties. 

Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter says in a booming voice, “I fail to see the relevance. How do *these* represent Christmas?” 

To which the third man sheepishly replies, “Oh… They’re Carol’s.” 

Here is a truly GREAT story from Joe in NJ.  Long, but well worth the read:

An old man sat in his gas station on a cold Christmas Eve. He hadn’t been anywhere in years since his wife had passed away. He had no decorations, no tree, no lights. It was just another day to him. He didn’t hate Christmas, just couldn’t find a reason to celebrate. There were no children in his life. His wife had gone.

He was sitting there looking at the snow that had been falling for the last hour and wondering what it was all about when the door opened and a homeless man stepped through. Instead of throwing the man out, George, Old George as he was known by his customers, told the man to come and sit by the space heater and warmup.

“Thank you, but I don’t mean to intrude,” said the stranger. “I see you’re busy. I’ll just go”

“Not without something hot in your belly,” George turned and opened a wide mouth Thermos and handed it to the stranger. “It ain’t much, but it’s hot and tasty. Stew. Made it myself. When you’re done there’s coffee and it’s fresh.”

Just at that moment he heard the “ding” of the driveway bell. “Excuse me, be right back,” George said.

There in the driveway was an old 53 Chevy. Steam was rolling out of the front. The driver was panicked.

“Mister can you help me!” said the driver with a deep Spanish accent. “My wife is with child and my car is broken.”

George opened the hood. It was bad. The block looked cracked from the cold; the car was dead. “You ain’t going in this thing,” George said as he turned away.

“But mister. Please help….”The door of the office closed behind George as he went in. George went to the office wall and got the keys to his old truck, and went back outside. He walked around the building and opened the garage, started the truck and drove it around to where the couple was waiting.

“Here, you can borrow my truck,” he said. “She ain’t the best thing you ever looked at, but she runs real good.”

George helped put the woman in the truck and watched as it sped off into the night. George turned and walked back inside the office.

“Glad I loaned em the truck. Their tires were shot too. That ‘ol truck has brand new tires……..” George thought he was talking to the stranger, but the man had gone. The thermos was on the desk, empty with a used coffee cup beside it.

“Well, at least he got something in his belly,” George thought. George went back outside to see if the old Chevy would start. It cranked slowly, but it started. He pulled it into the garage where the truck had been. He thought he would tinker with it for something to do. Christmas Eve meant no customers. He discovered the block hadn’t cracked, it was just the bottom hose on the radiator.

“Well, I can fix this,” he said to himself. So he put a new one on. “Those tires ain’t gonna get ’em through the winter either.” He took the snow treads off of his wife’s old Lincoln. They were like new and he wasn’t going to drive the car.

As he was working he heard a shot being fired. He ran outside and beside a police car an officer lay on the cold ground. Bleeding from the left shoulder, the officer moaned, “Help me.” George helped the officer inside as he remembered the training he had received in the Army as a medic. He knew the wound needed attention.

“Pressure to stop the bleeding,” he thought. The laundry company had been there that morning and had left clean shop towels. He used those and duct tape to bind the wound.

“Hey, they say duct tape can fix anythin’,” he said, trying to make the policeman feel at ease. “Something for pain,” George thought. All he had was the pills he used for his back. “These ought to work.” He put some water in a cup and gave the policeman the pills.

“You hang in there. I’m going to get you an ambulance.” George said, but the phone was dead. “Maybe I can get one of your buddies on that there talk box out in your police car.”

He went out only to find that a bullet had gone into the dashboard destroying the two way radio. He went back in to find the policeman sitting up.

“Thanks,” said the officer. “You could have left me there. The guy that shot me is still in the area.”

George sat down beside him. “I would never leave an injured man in the Army and I ain’t gonna leave you.” George pulled back the bandage to check for bleeding. “Looks worse than what it is. Bullet passed right through ‘ya. Good thing it missed the important stuff though. I think with time your gonna be right as rain.”

George got up and poured a cup of coffee. “How do you take it?” he asked.

“None for me,” said the officer.

“Oh, yer gonna drink this. Best in the city.” Then George added: “Too bad I ain’t got no donuts.”

The officer laughed and winced at the same time. The front door of the office flew open. In burst a young man with a gun.

“Give me all your cash! Do it now!” the young man yelled. His hand was shaking and George could tell that he had never done anything like this before.

“That’s the guy that shot me!” exclaimed the officer.

“Son, why are you doing this?” asked George. “You need to put the cannon away. Somebody else might get hurt.”

The young man was confused. “Shut up old man, or I’ll shoot you, too. Now give me the cash!” The cop was reaching for his gun.

“Put that thing away,” George said to the cop. “We got one too many in here now.”

He turned his attention to the young man. “Son, it’s Christmas Eve. If you need the money, well then, here. It ain’t much but it’s all I got. Now put that pee shooter away.”

George pulled $150 out of his pocket and handed it to the young man, reaching for the barrel of the gun at the same time. The young man released his grip on the gun, fell to his knees and began to cry.

“I’m not very good at this am I? All I wanted was to buy something for my wife and son,” he went on. “I’ve lost my job. My rent is due. My car got repossessed last week…”

George handed the gun to the cop. “Son, we all get in a bit of squeeze now and then. The road gets hard sometimes, but we make it through the best we can.”

He got the young man to his feet, and sat him down on a chair across from the cop. “Sometimes we do stupid things.” George handed the young man a cup of coffee. “Being stupid is one of the things that makes us human. Comin’ in here with a gun ain’t the answer. Now sit there and get warm and we’ll sort this thing out.”

The young man had stopped crying. He looked over to the cop. “Sorry I shot you. It just went off. I’m sorry officer.”

“Shut up and drink your coffee.” the cop said.

George could hear the sounds of sirens outside. A police car and an ambulance skidded to a halt. Two cops came through the door, guns drawn.

“Chuck! You ok?” one of the cops asked the wounded officer.

“Not bad for a guy who took a bullet. How did you find me?”

“GPS locator in the car. Best thing since sliced bread. Who did this?” the other cop asked as he approached the young man.

Chuck answered him, “I don’t know. The guy ran off into the dark. Just dropped his gun and ran.”

George and the young man both looked puzzled at each other. “That guy works here,” the wounded cop continued.

“Yep,” George said. “Just hired him this morning. Boy lost his job.”

The paramedics came in and loaded Chuck onto the stretcher. The young man leaned over the wounded cop and whispered, “Why?”

Chuck just said, “Merry Christmas, boy. And you too, George, and thanks for everything.”

“Well, looks like you got one doozy of a break there. That ought to solve some of your problems.” George went into the back room and came out with a box. He pulled out a ring box.

“Here you go. Something for the little woman. I don’t think Martha would mind. She said it would come in handy some day.”

The young man looked inside to see the biggest diamond ring he ever saw. “I can’t take this,” said the young man. “It means something to you.”

“And now it means something to you,” replied George. “I got my memories. That’s all I need.”

George reached into the box again. A toy airplane, a racing car and a little metal truck appeared next. They were toys that the oil company had left for him to sell. “Here’s something for that little man of yours.”

The young man began to cry again as he handed back the $150 that the old man had handed him earlier. “And what are you supposed to buy Christmas dinner with? You keep that, too. Count it as part of your first week’s pay.” George said. “Now git home to your family.”

The young man turned with tears streaming down his face. “I’ll be here in the morning for work, if that job offer is still good.”

“Nope. I’m closed Christmas day,” George said. “See ya the day after.”

George turned around to find that the stranger had returned. “Where’d you come from? I thought you left?”

“I have been here. I have always been here,” said the stranger. “You say you don’t celebrate Christmas. Why?”

“Well, after my wife passed away I just couldn’t see what all the bother was. Puttin’ up a tree and all seemed a waste of a good pine tree. Bakin’ cookies like I used to with Martha just wasn’t the same by myself and besides I was getting a little chubby.”

The stranger put his hand on George’s shoulder. “But you do celebrate the holiday, George. You gave me food and drink and warmed me when I was cold and hungry. The woman with child will bear a son and he will become a great doctor.

The policeman you helped will go on to save 19 people from being killed by terrorists. The young man who tried to rob you will become a rich man and share his wealth with many people.

That is the spirit of the season and you keep it as good as any man.”

George was taken aback by all this stranger had said. “And how do you know all this?” asked the old man.

“Trust me, George. I have the inside track on this sort of thing. And when your days are done you will be with Martha again.” The stranger moved toward the door.

“If you will excuse me, George, I have to go now. I have to go home where there is a big celebration planned.”

George watched as the man’s old leather jacket and his torn pants turned into a white robe. A golden light began to fill the room.

“You see, George, it’s My birthday. Merry Christmas.”

Yes, it’s very contrived and unrealistic, but it’s a CHRISTMAS STORY and is supposed to be that way!  Lighten up already!  It was a great story and I liked it!!

A woman who was out Christmas shopping with her two children.

After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on the many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year: overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, getting that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, making sure we don’t forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.

When the doors closed, she couldn’t take it anymore and stated, “Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up and shot.”

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, “Don’t worry, we already crucified Him.”

For the rest of the trip down the elevator it was so quiet you could have heard a pin drop.

You all thought you were getting more stimulus checks…forgiven student loans…build back better.  Instead you got empty shelves, worst inflation since the Great Depression, crack pipes and WWIII.

There was a young lady named Hall, 
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 
The dress caught fire, 
And burned her entire 
Front page, sports section, and all 

A is for apple, and B is for boat, 

That used to be right, but now it won’t float!

Age before beauty is what we once said, 

But let’s be a bit more realistic instead. 

 The New Alphabet is: 

A‘s for arthritis; 

B‘s the bad back, 

C‘s the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac? 

D is for dental decay and decline, 

E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line! 

F is for farting and fluid retention, 

G is for gut droop, which I’d rather not mention.

H high blood pressure–I’d rather it low; 

I for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend, 

K is for knees that crack when they bend. 

L ‘s for libido, what happened to sex? 

M is for memory, I forget what comes next. 

N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low; 

O is for Osteo, bones that don’t grow! 

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? 

R is for reflux, one meal turns to two. 

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears, 

T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears! 

U is for urinary; troubles with flow; 

V for vertigo, that’s ‘dizzy,’ you know.. 

W for worry, now what’s going ’round? 

X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y for another year I’m left here behind, 

Z is for zest I still have– in my mind! I’ve survived all the symptoms, my body’s deployed, 

And I’m keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed! 

HAVE A GREAT DAY! 

Here’s an email from Joe from NJ in its entirety: 

Impish,

I actually just made this up.

What was Sam Houston’s favorite dessert?

Pie Alamo

Not bad, Joe.  Thanks for sharing.

So I went to the hospital today.  I said, “I’ve been bitten by a wolf.” 

The doctor said, “Where?”

I said, “No, just an ordinary one.”

Parenthood kind of feels like you got hit by a car and as you struggle mightily to get up, someone asks you for a snack.

And that’s it for today my friends.  Welcome to the new year.  I’m sure I’ll have more positive things to say about it when I feel more positive, so until then, may God Bless you with Love and Happiness.  Until next time…

It’s the new year.  New things to look forward to.  New things to plan.  I don’t usually do the whole new years resolution thing, but there are some things that I’ve already resolved to do this year.  My church has done a yearly scripture study where if you follow along with their plan you can read the Bible in a year, so I plan, amongst all my other Bible study, to follow along with their study plan to finish the Bible, again.  I’ve done it before. So, that’s one of my resolutions.

Another of my resolutions is to move on.

I know how that sounds.  I have to get passed January, specifically, passed the 8th of January, which is the anniversary of Mary’s passing, and then I think I can start moving on.  Then it will have been a year.  I will have gotten past all the firsts.  I think.  Most of them, anyway.  But, it’s time for me to be happy again.  I don’t know that I know how to do that anymore.  But, it’s coming up on time to try.  That’s another of my resolutions.

My third resolution is to figure out what it is that God wants from me.  What His plan is for me.  I THINK I know.  I THINK it’s to help other people through the same things that I’ve gone through, grief, depression, anger, you guys know.  Heck, if anyone in the whole world knows what I’ve been through, it’s you guys. 

It’s funny.  I’ve probably been more honest with you guys over things than I’ve even been with my counselor.  It’s easy to type to you, even though I know that hundreds, possibly thousands of people are going to read these words, it’s easier to put them down here, than it is to talk honestly about them with someone else, sometimes.  Thank you guys for being there for me.

Anyway, let’s move on to other things, and start some laughter so we can start this new year correctly!!

This Christmas, I’m just giving all my family members a card that says, “A donation has been made in your name to my therapist.”

Just before Christmas, there was an honest politician, a kind lawyer and Santa Claus traveling in a elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $50 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up??

Santa of course, the other two don’t exist!

That’s just way too weird.

Woman: “My boyfriend’s family doesn’t approve of me dating him.”

Her friend: “Who are they to complain?”

Woman: “His wife and kids.”

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

CAT’S NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

~*~ I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

~*~ I will not slurp fish from the aquarium.

~*~ I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink’s drain.

~*~ I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so the humans can see that I’m getting plenty of roughage.

~*~ I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and scratch my owner, leaving her to bleed to death.

~*~ I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

~*~ I will not perch on my human’s chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

~*~ We will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over any humans’ bed while they’re trying to sleep.

~*~ I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

~*~ I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

~*~ I will not stick my paw into any container to see if there is something in it. If I do, I will not hiss and scratch when my human has to shave me to get the rubber cement out of my fur.

~*~ When I am chasing my tail and catch my back leg instead, I will not bite down on my foot. This hurts, and my scream scares my human.

~*~ I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.

~*~ When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

~*~ I am a walking static generator. My human doesn’t need my help installing a new board in her computer.

~*~ I will not walk on the keyboard when my human is writing importantemiognaioerp ga3qi4 taija3tgv aa35 a.

~*~ The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

~*~ A warm pepperoni pizza is not a good place for a nap (but the EMPTY pizza box is).

When I was a kid, when we played “spin the bottle”, if they didn’t want to kiss you, they’d have to give you a quarter. 

By the time I was 12, I owned my own home.

I was fired from my job as a kindergarten teacher for handing condoms to the parents of students I didn’t like.

Magic Johnson wasted the World’s Best Porn Name on a Basketball Career.

I keep pre-cooked bacon in my fridge that I call “Hurricane Bacon”. 

When the Hurricane hits, I put that bacon in my pocket, so if I get buried in a pile of rubble, the search dogs will find me first.

While watching the football play-offs at their local bar, Michael complained to Roy that the love making with his girlfriend was becoming routine and boring. 

“Well I think you need to get creative,” Roy said.. “Break up the monotony. Why don’t you try ‘playing doctor’ for an hour?” Roy suggested. 

“Hmmm, That’s what I’ll do. It sounds great but tell me, how in the hell do I make it last for an hour?” his Michael asked. 

Simple Roy answered, “Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!” 

When I worked for the security department of a large retail store, my duties included responding to fire and burglar alarms.  

A side door of the building was wired with a security alarm, because it was not supposed to be used by customers. 

Nevertheless they found the convenience of the exit tempting. Even a sign with large red letters, warning “Alarm will sound if opened,” failed to deter people from using it. 

One day, after attending to a number of shrieking alarms, I placed a small handmade sign on the door that totally eliminated the problem: “Wet paint.” 

Something that was just pointed out on the news…The high temperature yesterday, Wednesday was like 54 degrees, with a “feels like” temperature of (surprise!) of 54 degrees.  The low last Friday was a -40°F wind chill.  That’s a 94 degree difference in temperature in just 5 days!  THAT IS CRAZY!!!  Don’t like the weather in Indiana, wait a minute.  We did make it through the last cold snap without any problems.  I got my latest gas bill in my email this morning and even as cold as it’s been, it came in about twenty bucks under what I had budgeted.  

Women’s view

1. What do you call a handcuffed man?  
Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?  
You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? 
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women? 
Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? 
They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work. 

6. How do men define a “50/50” relationship? 
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

7. How do men exercise on the beach? 
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? 
Make him wear shoes.

9. How does a man show he’s planning for the future? 
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
ONE He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him. 

11. What did God say after creating man? 
I can do so much better.

12. What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you
his real name.

13. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups? 
Put the remote control between his toes.

14. What’s the smartest thing a man can say? 
“My wife says…”

15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? 
So men can understand them.

16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? 
To stop the snoring before it starts.

17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? 
To keep them from grazing.

18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Still waiting on my car to be fixed.  So, I’m nervous about that bill.  In my experience, if they say it’s going to be $5,500, I’m expecting it to be at least $6k.  Got a surprise $900 bill for Izzy’s testing the other day, so I’m like, okay … not sure what lesson at this point you are trying to teach me Lord, since I got the last one, but can we maybe try a different format for teaching me?  I got the whole, “Beat the crap out of Impish so he can use the experience to teach other people” lesson.  I GOT that one.  Please stop.  I just had to take a huge chunk of my retirement out to pay for my car repairs, so can we not? 

And tomorrow, I go to the dentist to find out how much my falling apart teeth are going to be.  I’m sure I’m going to have to put them off for a while.  

But, we keep laughing and we keep smiling!

Electric Cars:  A plan that doesn’t work to fix a problem that doesn’t exist.

The perfect visual description of our political system right  now.

He’s just showing off.
Or REALLY trying to prove a point.

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror. He asks, “What are you doing?” 

She replies, “I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old.” 

The husband retorts, “Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?” 

“He didn’t mention you.”

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. 

He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. 

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it. 

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. 

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. 

“Look,” the pharmacist says, “if you can’t afford to lose, you shouldn’t bet.” 

Wow!  That’s Dark!

You Know alcohol should be served at work because…

1. It’s an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don’t care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. Suddenly, burping during a meeting isn’t so embarrassing.

16. Employees work later since there’s no longer a need to relax at the bar.

17. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.

18. Everyone agrees the work is better after they’ve had a couple of drinks.

19. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.

20. Increases the chance of seeing your boss naked.

21. It promotes foreign relations with the former Soviet Union.

22. The janitor’s closet will finally have a use.

23. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.

24. Sitting on the copy machine will no longer be seen as “gross.”

25. Babbling and mumbling incoherently will be common language.

Judi said, “So I guess my ex wanted to distract me because right in the middle of the argument he stopped and said, ‘Now, hon. You know I want what’s best for you!'”

Carly replied, “What’d you say to that?”

“I asked him, ‘How soon can you be packed and out of here, then?'”

And that is the last episode of the year my dear friends.  The next Dragon Laffs will be next year…2023.  My prayer and wish for each and every one of you is that your New Year is better than your old year and that it is filled to the brim with God’s Blessings, Love, Happiness, and Laughter.  My thanks to each and every one of you for supplying a huge portion of those to me this last year and the assurance that you will continue to do so in the new.  Be well my dear friends, family and fellow campers.