ATTENTION! ATTENTION! IN EARLY MORNING BREAKING NEWS! WELL KNOWN MYTHICAL CREATURE AND PATRIOTIC CONSERVATIVE RADICAL COMMENTATOR IMPISH DRAGON TO PURCHASE TWITTER FOR AN UNDISCLOSED SUM!
WELL KNOWN REPUBLICAN, RACIST DRAGON, A REAL BOMB-THROWING RADICAL WAS OVERHEARD PROCLAIMING HIS PLANS TO RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE. NOT FIT TO BE ELECTED TO DOG CATCHER, THIS DRAGON SHOULD BE JAILED AND … What’s that noise outside? Cut the mic! What’s going on? OH MY G—————————-
So, you guys may hear about some … non-news stories about me in the near future. Let me assure you that they are nothing. As my New Jersey brethren would say, “Don’t worry about it.” People talk. And when they don’t have anything real to talk about, they make stuff up. You know we must be rattling cages and getting under people’s skin when they start attacking back with the lame-stream media. So, my plans, are to get even further under their skins and to encourage each and every one of you to do the exact same thing. And of course, to get out there and VOTE!
And before we do that…let’s do this…
Here’s another oldie, but goodie from Joe…
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin.
“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.”
“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.”
The catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.
“Brothers and sisters,” he said solemnly. “It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise.”
Not a woman stirred. “I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly,” the priest intoned. “But it is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise.”
And still not a woman stirred.
Wrath now moved the priest. “Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one?
I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!”
And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.
The preacher stared with astonishment at her. “Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand.”
“Father,” the young lady answered indignantly, “do you really expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?”
The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cell mate looked like a real thug.
“Don’t worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I’m in here for a white collar crime too.”
“Well, that’s a relief.” sighed the stockbroker. “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.”
“Oh nothing fancy like that for me.” grinned the convict. “I just killed a couple of Priests.”
Trust me, it’s an important picture.
Me: Do you shower after sex?
Co-worker: Yeah, of course I do!
Me: Well, how about getting laid a little more often then!
A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.
The person you think of as “yourself” exists only for you, and even you don’t really know who that is. Every person you meet, have a relationship with or make eye contact on the street with, creates a version of “you” in their heads. You’re not the same person to your mom, your dad, your siblings, than you are to your co-workers, your neighbors or your friends. There are a thousand different versions of yourself out there, in people’s minds. A “you” exists in each version, and yet your “you”, “yourself”, isn’t really a “someone” at all.
Sometimes, all you need is for someone just to be there, even if they can’t solve your problems. Just knowing there is someone who cares can make all the difference.
And that is the WHOLE theory behind the Grief Group that I started on base.
This is Sally. One of the personal aids to one of the executives at Dragon Laffs, Inc. Sally has a very difficult commute to work every day.
And now we get an oldie, but goodie from Stephanie…
An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.
They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, “Yeah.” When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.”
The rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”
The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi”
Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”
The Chief said, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you.. you know…eat their…’things’??”
The chief says, “No.”
“No?” asked the rescuer.
“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”
Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest.
They’re going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash.
The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch.
“How did you do that?” asks one of his friends.
“My watch is 30 minutes slow.”
Almost every hand you’ve shaken has touched a penis.
Think about that for a second…
When things seem especially rough, just ask yourself, “Did I crap my pants today?” and if the answer is no, you’re doing alright.
I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home. She smiled at me and said yes.
The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.
This one understands it very clearly.
And that’s where we have to call it a night for tonight. May you be blessed with happiness and love until we meet again.
The leading dragon on the internet…I guess that must be true. I got a visit in my office today. Some Waldo-looking Bugbear with a Russian accent. Yup, picture a bugbear with a big ole leather jacket and that silly-assed looking hat that Waldo from Where’s Waldo wears. And he’s gonna roll up to my office and threaten me and tell me that I need to get on the Biden bandwagon and stop shaking the liberal tree. I have never laughed so hard in my whole life. I called him a fat koala bear and had him escorted from my office and released into the minotaur’s maze. I’m pretty sure they are still down there playing hide-and-seek. He’ll be down there AT LEAST until after the mid-terms and then I figure I’ll cut him loose somewhere in central Florida and let my good buddy Ron DeSantis play with him for a while.
Anyway, that’s been my day, I hope you guys have had a better day. And in an effort to move in that direction, let’s go ahead and start the good stuff…
Every woman needs a “no matter what” friend. Someone they can call no matter what. Someone they can vent to, no matter what. Someone she doesn’t have to explain herself to, no matter what.
Peek-a-Friggin’-Boo!
Once you’ve seen a woman take her bar off WITHOUT removing her shirt, it makes so much more sense why they should be in charge of things.
Believe it or not, those last two pictures go together … and there’s probably a whole bunch of youngsters who have no idea what either one of them mean.
That’s not going to end well for this guy.
Anyone can make you smile, many people can make you cry, but it takes someone really special to make you smile with tears in your eyes.
Me? Mature??! Ha! I still laugh when the ketchup bottle “farts”!
“I swear I heard somebody out here…”
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town.
Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was.
The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.”
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man.
Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.
Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the banker. Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.”
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?”
Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.”
As it says…not for the younger crowd. This goes back a couple of years. But it is good!
Not for the younger crowd:
Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after hearing that Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.
HU’S ON FIRST
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk.
And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
Thank You…Mr. President.
Whew!
I’m so jealous! I never, ever got a wave like this one! And for this next one…Try and figure out what this next picture is. Then after you’ve made your guesses, see below the picture below it to get the answer.
As to the picture above, here is the explanation that came along with it…
You are looking at the back of a woman with her shoulders brought together and she is leaning forward. Her butt is on the top of the picture as if she was sitting on a stool.
Thanks Steve
One day my six year old asked, “Daddy, what’s a transvestite?”
I said, “Go ask your mother… he’ll tell you.”
Noah got drunk, Jacob lied, Moses Murdered, Rahab was a prostitute, David had an affair. God still used them. He can use you, too.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, “You sign! You sign!”
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. “You sign! You sign!”
Nelson says to him, “Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off”, and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You sign! You sign!”
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: “Look, push off ! You’ve got the wrong bloke! I don’t want them!” Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting “You sign! You sign!”
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?”
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
“You not Nissan Maindealer?”
Thanks Joe!
This is amazing that this is happening…in New York and on the subway. And other people are just standing around and watching it happen.
An oldie but goodie…thanks Steve:
A man was out in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He would throw the kite up into the air, the wind would catch it, it would spin around for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down.
He tried this over and over, several times. All the while his wife was watching from her kitchen window.
Muttering to herself how men need guidance in everything, she opened the window and yelled, “You need more tail.”
The man turned to her and said, “Well, make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.”
I was once popular, but my therapist took all my imaginary friends away.
And that’s another one in the record books friends. May the rest of your week be filled with love and happiness. Until next time.
That is the honest and the forever truth. Not that there will never be anyone else in my life, but Mary will be always in my life.
Right at the top of my list of things to do.
You know that LITTLE VOICE inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t? YEAH, I DON’T HAVE THAT.
If you don’t use CONCRETE, it’s your own ASPHALT.
England, Birmingham Law: It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex “on the steps of any church after the sun goes down.”
That’s one heck of a monument
A guy came home to his wife and said, “Guess what? I’ve found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!”
“That’s great,” his wife said.
“Yeah, I thought so too,” he agreed. “You start Monday.”
9 out of 10 times when I lose something it’s because I put it in a safe place.
Why does the radio stop to tell you they play nonstop music?
“Look into my crystal ball…no, over here, pal!”
AIN’T NO WAY!!!
Easter Egg Hunts: Proof your kid can find things if they want to.
Hyphenated
Non-Hyphenated
The Irony…
When your tired at night, everything’s funny. When your tired in the morning, nothing’s funny.
And that’s probably only funny to those of us of a certain age.
It takes a special person to wake up early and still be late, but that’s me. ~ Stephanie
I have one cup of coffee each morning just to start the day off right.
The others are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit.
Add one word, ruin a band name:
Iron Deficiency Maiden
As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of…it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
So, let’s be clear…The only acceptable reason for you to touch my cup of coffee is to refill it. Don’t try to be a hero.
How to politely tell someone they’re stupid:
“Wisdom has been chasing you, but you’ve always been faster.”
Thursday afternoon and I’ve managed to get ahold of both my brother the Owl in Orlando and Papa Dragon Most Senior near Naples and both are well and accounted for. So, prayers answered. I hope and pray for each and every one of you out there that you had as good a result with Ian as I did.
Took Pepper Dragon to the Vet this morning and she got a bunch of shots, some general type medicine that she gets every year, a pill to help her with seasonal allergies, and a clean bill of health.
I’m a teenie bit ticked off at myself. Yesterday was Wednesday and Wednesday night is Bible study at the church and I completely spaced it. I was a bit tied up and concerned with my health last night (I haven’t been feeling exactly “right” lately) and did some home diagnosis’s (all with negative results, by the by), anyway, long story short, by the time I realized it, I was picking Izzy Dragon up from work at 2230 and realized that I had missed it! Something I look forward to all week!
You don’t suppose I’m …
[Gulp!]
Getting old…
Am I?
I do have an awful lot of stuff to talk to the doctor about when I see her in … like a week. Ah, screw it. I’ll work it out when I see her.
Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. No? Well, enough about you, then, let’s talk about life for a while. We could talk about the conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses falling…
Gosh, that sounds so familiar…All I really want…is to figure out where I’ve heard that before. While I figure that out, …
I need that kind of coffee that’s so strong when I take a sip, my ancestors wake up.
You’ve GOT to be kidding me!
I’m told to treat others as I want to be treated.
Now I’m facing sexual harassment charges.
Thanks.
Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow…
“Ooh!” said the presenter, “This is a very rare breed. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks.” replied Paddy.
“Hey…Warrior…wanna buy a map?”
“Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.” ~ Steve Irwin
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.
I can never go swimming because it’s always less than 30 minutes since I’ve last eaten.
The new Olympic event…Waterfall diving.
To anyone who has been through hell here on earth. Who has been living in survival mode for years. Who has faced challenges they didn’t think they could climb out of…
…Anyone who has been profoundly hurt, broken, abandoned and rejected by people they loved, trusted and cared about…
I just want to say, I’m so proud of you for making it this far. Proud of you for your strength, progress and courage to keep going. Very proud of you for choosing to stay alive.
Only trust men who like big butts…
For they cannot lie.
I’ve reached that age where 67% of my electric bill from using a heating pad on some part of my body.
When Pornstars take off their clothes, they are actually getting dressed for work.
Wisdom will kill me someday.
I think “Dildo” is a perfectly acceptable insult. I’d call you a “Dick” but you’re not real enough.
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus. The baby refuses to suck the breast and the mother warns, “if you don’t suck, I will give it to the man next to me.” The baby still refuses. After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the “threat”. The man clears his throat and says, “Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off six bus stops ago!”
According to them, you only have freedom to choose what they say you can choose.
They ARE criminals.
We live in a society where people use a $900 phone to check their food stamp balance.
Also known as the Jersey Rule.
Every saint has a past & Every sinner has a future.
~ Oscar Wilde
Stupid People Are Like Glow Sticks. I Want To Snap Them And Shake The Crap Out Of Them Until The Light Comes On.
My next door neighbor knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee and asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee.
I said, “Go away, Dave.”
And the problem is, there are a bunch of you out there, who are saying to yourself right now, “Yeah, so 33 plus 45 equals 78, what the heck does that have to do with anything? And why is there an old record in the corner? I don’t get it?” And THAT is so sad….so very sad.
I suppose you never really do. I know it would bother me for a really LONG time. And that is it for this issue. You may have noticed that I’ve stopped talking about donations. The donation season is pretty much over, I have been asked by the financial department to mention it one last time, so that’s what I’m doing.
There, I mentioned it. And I’m going to show the wall one more time in order to thank everyone.
You guys are absolutely wonderful. Thank you all so very much. And if, for some reason, I’ve missed anyone, it is entirely my fault and I humbly and deeply apologize. My normal bookkeeper is doing another gig nowadays and I miss her. But, we get by.
And with that…until next time, my dear campers, friends, family, and loved ones. May love and happiness visit you regularly until then.
Well, today is Monday and I went back to work this morning after my one day off this weekend and boy did I feel it. I had a heck of a time staying awake. I was going to take a sick day and call in this morning until I remembered that both of my guys were already taking the day off, so it was just going to be me there today. So, I drug myself out of bed and went to work. But, I think I’m going to take a vacation day or two later on this week and maybe extend my weekend this week. We’ll see.
Izzy and I have to take Pepper dragon to the Vet on Thursday for her annual visit, that ought to be fun, and it’s at like 1030 in the morning so it’s not worth going in to work before hand to turn around and come back home to pick Izzy and the dog up and by the time we get done and get back home, there won’t really be enough time left in the day to go back to work, so I’ll end up taking Thursday off anyway…and I might just throw Friday in the mix as well and make it a long weekend.
Anyway, enough talk about long weekends, let’s talk instead about making some laughter, shall we?
I walked in the bedroom to find my wife dead in the bed the other day. Looking at her lifeless there, I decided to have one last go. Right in the middle she opened her eyes and shouted BOO!
Honestly, some people are fucking sick in the head.
Ghetto word of the day: Bishop. My girlfriend fell down, so I picked that bishop.
You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the whole world and somebody’s still going to hate peaches.
This is an older drawing done of me by one of the art students at Dragon Laffs, Inc.
That’s about the way I was this morning…
When I was young, I was a poor golfer.
But after years of play and practice, I am no longer young.
Mine needs to have its own heartbeat.
Dear Diet, It’s not me, it’s you. I just don’t think it’s going to work between us. You’re boring, tasteless, and I can’t stop cheating on you.
I’m not surprised Jeff Bezoz started seeing a woman who was close with his wife. That’s classic Amazon, “if you like this, here’s something similar you also might like.”
We spent a lot of money on our front entrance (if you can find it) to our corporate Headquarters
When you dream, one portion of your brain creates the story while another part witnesses the events and is shocked or surprised by the plot twists.
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go? Well wonder no more.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the penguin family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
Gotcha! You really didn’t believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?
You cannot be a true coffee lover until you’ve tried to suck the spilled coffee off of your shirt.
Get on my level.
My emotional support animal is a chicken.
A four piece.
With a biscuit.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.
If the FBI waited 18 months to seize “nuclear documents” from a country club, everyone at the agency should be fired.
If Slow Joe really didn’t know that Mar-A-Lago was being raided, that’s a tacit admission that someone else is in charge.
Facebook is a perfect example of socialism. You get it for free. You have no say in how it works. The guy who runs it is rich. You have no privacy, AND if you say one thing they don’t like, they shut you up…
Had a woman who was in active labor, despite insisting she couldn’t be pregnant. She said her last period was “like ten months ago” so she’d gone through menopause. She was 25.
Go ahead…throw out all those mailman jokes you’ve been holding on to this whole time!
I once had a patient tell me he needed his decapitation medicine because he was feeling full of shit. I had to thing about it for a minute then I realized he was asking for his constipation medication.
I had a patient’s mom ask me if putting a catheter in her 6 year old son would break his hymen and would he still be a virgin.
Our spirts are everywhere.
And that’s it for another issue my dear friends. May you have nothing but happiness until we meet again on Saturday.
Dragon Laffs 