Today is Palm Sunday when I’m starting this.  One week before Easter.  Even though you are probably not reading this until Thursday if my plan works out properly.

I worked all day today.  I should be getting ready for bed instead of working on this, but I have a little bit of time and I would rather spend it with you guys than just mope around the house not doing anything. 

This is normally the time that Mary and I would be deciding if we would watch a quick 30 minute show that we recorded or an hour show.  Since we fast forwarded through all the commercials, it would be a 20 minute or a 40 minute show.  We recorded everything.  I don’t believe there was anything other than sporting events that we watched live…and I’m still the same way.  And when I’m all “caught up” on my recorded stuff, I normally just turn on the news in the background for noise.

But, because I’ve been at work all day, I’m pretty much wiped out.  I should’ve called my brother and my Dad to check on them.  I try to do that a couple of times a week and it’s been a few days.  Dad is still getting over that sickness and the Owl is freshly out of the ICU in the hospital again. 

Life is becoming more difficult again.  But, it’s been a month or so since I’ve had anything major happen in my life, so it’s about time.  The entire world is going to hell in a handbasket and we’re the only ones who seem to be paying attention.

I thought I had an early answer to my Last Word from Monday’s issue and then realized that I couldn’t since it hadn’t published yet, but here it is, from Leah, which is not surprising of itself.  Thanks Leah.  I can always count on you to be controversial…

 You see why I thought it was in answer to…, but let me get to answering Leah…  Leah, it is literally my job and the job of everyone else in or associated with the military, to be ready with guns to protect the Constitution.  That’s my point.  I think we’re doing a crappy job of it.  My question for you is, if you weren’t there at January 6th, as you said, how do you know the rest of us weren’t?  Maybe we just haven’t been locked up yet?

Anyway, this one from Marsha, one of my favorite nurses … have I mentioned I have a really warm spot in my heart for nurses?  Only about a thousand times you say.  Okay.  Well, it’s worth mentioning again.  From Marsha ..this one really cracked me up.

Thanks for bringing a smile to  this old dragon’s face Marsha.  It’s always two handed driving for this one.  One hand on the coffee and the other on the cigar.  It’s usually a knee and the cigar hand, interspersed with the coffee hand when I put it in the cup holder that controls the wheel…sometimes.  As my nurse would say, “as needed.”

Well, you guys go ahead and start with the funny stuff.  I’m gonna take my puppies out and call it a night.  I’ll add more to this tomorrow.

Yeah, that’s not gonna work anymore.  Although, that is the type of gift that Mary would ask for.  LOL!

This next one is an oldie and it’s NOT from Joe in NJ. instead it’s from Friggin’ Pete.

A guy meets Siamese twins in a bar and they wind up back at his apartment.

There was a farmer who had a horse and a pig.
One day, the horse became ill and he called the veterinarian, who said, “Well, your horse has a virus. “He must take this medicine for three days. I’ll come back on the 3rd day and if he’s not better, we’re going to have to put him down.”

The next day, they gave him the medicine and left.

On the second day, they gave him the medicine and left.

We must have a grand party. Let’s slaughter the pig!”

A lot of things in my young life didn’t work out.

Ambiguities and Idiosyncrasies of the English language…

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila …floor. 

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 
• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? 
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “where’s the self- help section?” she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. 
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap? 
• Is there another word for synonym? 
• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” 
• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? 
• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
• Would a fly without wings be called a walk? 
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will break-in and clean them? 
• If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked? 
• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? 
• If the police arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? 
• Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines? 
• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs? 
• What was the best thing before sliced bread? 
• One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people. 
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? 
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 
• How is it possible to have a civil war? 
• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too? 
• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry? 
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? 
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word ‘lisp’ to have ‘s’ in it? 
• Why are hemorrhoids called “hemorrhoids” instead of “assteroids”? 
• Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them? 
• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? 
• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented? 
• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god? 
• Why do shops have signs, ‘guide dogs only’, the dogs can’t read and their owners are blind? 

The 1% Age Group

________________

WE ARE THE FORTUNATE FEW…

The One percent group born between 1930 – 1947

The 1% Age Group.  This special group was born between 1930 – 1947 = 17 years.

In 2023, the age range is between 77 – 93.

Are you, or do you know, someone “still here?”

Interesting Facts For You…

• You are the smallest group of children born since the early 1900s.
• You are the last generation, climbing out of the depression, who can remember the winds of war and the impact of a world at war that rattled the structure of our daily lives for years.
• You are the last to remember ration books for everything from gas to sugar to shoes to stoves.
• You saved tin foil and poured fried meat fat into tin cans.
• You saw cars up on blocks because tires weren’t available.
• You can remember milk being delivered to your house early in the morning and placed in the “milk box” on the porch and the ice cream truck coming through the neighborhood.
• You saw the ‘boys’ home from the war, build their little houses that they were so happy with. 
• You are the last generation who spent childhood without television; instead, you “imagined” what you heard on the radio and you read library books and played in the street with friends.
• With no TV until the 1950s, you spent your childhood “playing outside.”
• There was no city playground for kids. You organized neighborhood baseball and football games on vacant lots. You rode your bike everywhere.
• The lack of television in your early years meant that you had little real understanding of what the world was like. 
  • AND WEREN’T WE BETTER OFF FOR NOT KNOWING, RATHER THAN BEING BOMBARDED BY MEDIA HYPE AND SENSATIONALISM!!!.
• On Saturday mornings and afternoons, the movies gave you newsreels sandwiched in between westerns and cartoons.
• Telephones were one to a house, often shared (party lines), and hung on the wall in the kitchen (no cares about privacy).
• Computers were called calculators; they were hand-cranked.
• Typewriters were driven by pounding fingers, throwing the carriage, and changing the ribbon.
• ‘INTERNET’ and ‘GOOGLE’ were words that did not exist.
• Newspapers and magazines were written for adults and the news was broadcast on your radio in the evening. Kids read comic books.
• The Government gave returning Veterans the means to get an education and spurred colleges to grow.
• Loans fanned a housing boom.
• Pent-up demand, coupled with new installment payment plans opened many factories for work.
• New highways would bring jobs and mobility.
• The veterans joined civic clubs and became active in politics.
• The radio network expanded from 3 stations to hundreds.
• Your parents were suddenly free from the confines of the Depression and the War!
• You weren’t neglected, but you weren’t today’s all-consuming family focus.
• They were glad you played by yourselves until the street lights came on.
• You entered a world of overflowing plenty and opportunity; a world where you were welcomed, enjoyed yourselves and felt secure in your future.
• Polio was still a crippler.
• You came of age in the ’50s and ’60s.
• You are the last generation to experience an interlude when there were no threats to our homeland.
• The Second World War was over and the Cold War, Terrorism, Global Warming, and perpetual economic insecurity had yet to haunt life with unease
• Only your generation can remember both a time of great war and a time when our world was secure and full of bright promise and plenty.
• You grew up at the best possible time, a time when the world was getting better…
• You are “The Last Ones.”

More than 99 % of you are either retired or deceased, and you feel privileged to have “lived in the Best of Times!”

It’s great being part of the 1% Special Group!!

That was sent in by Joe from NJ.  I got to live through part of this.  What a wonderful time it was.  

Yes indeed, Joe.  This is an old joke.

Last kiss

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge.

So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,

“Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin’ up there on that railing’?”

She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”

While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked . . . “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . . why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?”

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”

It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

This is NOT how you make Girl Scout Cookies!

UP  An amazing 2 letter English word.

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’  It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v]. 
 
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but:

o When we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? 

o At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?  

o Why do we speak UP, and 

o Why are the officers UP for election and 

o Why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?  

o We call UP our friends, 

o Brighten UP a room, 

o Polish UP  the silver, 

o Warm UP the leftovers and 

o Clean UP the kitchen.  

o We lock UP the house and 

o Fix UP the old car. 

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. 

o People stir UP trouble, 

o Line UP for tickets, 

o Work UP an appetite, and 

o Think UP excuses. 

o To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special. 

And this UP is confusing:  

o A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

o We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. 

o We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! 

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. 
  
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more. 

o When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.  

o When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP.  

o When it rains, the earth soaks it UP.  

o When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP.  

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!  

Don’t screw UP.  Send this on to everyone you look UP in your address book .  . .. or not . . . it’s UP to you. 
 
Now I’ll shut UP!

Well done!  Everyone stand UP and give him an ovation.  Who?  Joe from NJ, that’s who.

Not until you mentioned it.

Everyone concentrates on the problems we’re having in this country lately…

• like illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, and alligators attacking people in Florida

Well ….. not me — I concentrate on solutions for the problems – – ‘win-win situations‘.

• Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
• Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
• Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.

And with that … three problems are solved!! 

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

If not — think about this:

• Cows
• The Constitution
• The Ten Commandments

COWS: 

• Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic…
  • Our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington?
  • And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
  • But now, they are unable to locate 30 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.  
  • Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION: 

• They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq …. 
  • Why don’t we just give them ours?  
  • It was written by a lot of really smart guys, 
  • It has worked for over 200 years, 
  • And we’re not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS: 

• The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this – 
  • You cannot post:
    • – “Thou Shalt Not Steal”
    • – “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”
    • — and “Thou Shall Not Lie”…
      • In a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians … 
      • It creates a hostile work environment

Yup, it’s an old joke, but it’s a good one and it’s funny, so I ran it again.  AND it does make you think…let’s focus on the solutions rather than the problems.

When Debbie was in high school she had a crush on this one guy ever since she had been 12 years old. The guy never paid her any attention. Every year Debbie would try to get the boy to notice her, but he just wasn’t interested. Finally, when Debbie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, the guy noticed.

Debbie was very pretty, had filled out and looked quite grown-up and the boy asked her for a date on a Friday night!!

Debbie was so excited all week, and could hardly wait for Friday. Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, she began getting ready for her date at 7. She spent four hours primping and prepping her hair, make-up, and deciding what to wear, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 o’clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw her hero pull up in his shiny black car. Debbie became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. “Hi!” she said, nervous as hell, when he replied, “Debbie you look beautiful!!”

She was so pleased when she walked out the door, and then halfway down the steps- IT hit her. Debbie realized in horror that she had to FART!!

Oh my God she thought, I should have gone to the bathroom, walking along, Debbie pondered, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Debbie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they get to the car, her guy opens the door, Debbie gets in, tryin’ to keep her legs crossed as she scoots across the seat, he closes the door, then she really rips one!

Debbie quickly rolls down the window, and seeing that he’s just getting around to his door, she relaxes a little now, she smiles at him as he gets in the car. Then her beau turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, “Debbie, I’d like you to meet my parents, I’m dropping them off at the theatre!”

An English landowner and his Irish manservant ran into each other in hell one day. “My lord,” the Irishman exclaimed, “What are you doing here?”

The landowner sighed. “I’m here because I lied, cheated, and stole to pay the debts run up by that playboy son of mine. But you were a faithful, loyal servant. Why are you here?”

“For fathering that playboy son of yours,” the Irishman replied.

One Sunday our regular organist, an older man, had a bad case of the flu and asked his nephew, Bobby, to fill in for him. While Bobby was not as good as his uncle, he was still a passable musician. But what really got people’s attention was that Bobby was a stunningly handsome man, and so ended up distracting many a young woman’s mind from the hereafter to what was, so to speak, over here.

Well, needless to say, these women were disappointed when the regular organist returned the next weekend, but kept up hope – while praying for forgiveness for wishing such a thing – that the old organist would again fall ill so they might again have their favorite “substitute”;.

Things being as they may, and Ohio having chilly winters, the organist again caught the flu and asked his nephew to fill in. This time, one of the women, a buxom lass by name of Betty, took opportunity by the… horn, and, intercepting him after church, asked him on a date.

So Betty and Bobby, being young and carefree, had a spectacular first date, where they connected in conversation, connected in dance, and, well, connected back at his place.

But the next morning, while dressing, Betty seemed glum – and not just from a hangover. When Bobby asked, she said, rather bluntly, “You didn’t warn me you had such a small organ.”

Without missing a beat, Bobby smoothly replied, “You didn’t warn me I would be playing in such a large cathedral.”

Oldie with MANY variations. 

Years ago while attending a dinner party hosted by some friends of mine the hostess served a meal with this delicious mushroom sauce. After the meal there was a small amount left over and the hostess decided to allow her pregnant cat to enjoy the treat as well as the guests. The guests all felt it was a great gesture and showed the cat was a member of the family. 

The sauce was the highlight of the evenings topic of conversation, everyone commented on how delicious it was, and the hostess beamed at all the compliments. One of the guest commented that toadstools were much like mushrooms except for being toxic, and how funny it would be is such a culinary treat were made from that instead. 

As if on cue, the pet cat started crying and squirming on the floor, clutching its belly. The hostess exclaimed, “Oh my God, it’s the mushroom sauce!” 

We all went to the emergency room in a mad rush, and had our stomachs pumped after telling them we had eaten poisonous mushrooms. This was an extremely unpleasant experience. 

We we got back, the cat was lying on the floor peacefully looking up at us, and had given birth to kittens. 

I laughed SO hard at this one.  This is the way two men talk to each other who obviously love each other:

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.  We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. 

She had no name so we named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her. My husband, [the complainer] said OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.” 

My husband and my vet don’t see eye to eye. He calls my husband El-cheap-O.  My husband calls him El Take-0. They love to hate each other. 

The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. 

He looked straight at my husband, “Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant.  God knows who the father is!” And he closed the door. 

People are always saying New Yorkers can’t get along. Well it’s really not true.

Last time I was on the way to the airport I saw two New Yorkers on the side of the road along the way, complete strangers, sharing a cab.

One guy was taking the tires and the other guy was helping himself to the alternator, radio and battery.

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured.

One day, when my aunt’s name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. “I need to get your weight today,” said the nurse.

Without a moment’s hesitation, my aunt replied, “One hour and 45 minutes!”

And that’s it from me for now.  I’ve got to go, got to get some sleep.

Today is Monday.
Well, today is Saturday, but you’re reading it on Monday.
We’re doing the whole time travel thing again.
But that’s okay, we’re special that way.
I’m especially infuriated right now.  There was an insurrection in Nashville yesterday of Trans people who attacked the Nashville courthouse.  And if that isn’t bad enough.  They were holding up 7 fingers, indicating 7 victims. 
But Impish!  Weren’t there only six people killed?  Three children and three adults.
Yes, dear campers.  You are absolutely right.  Which means that the Trans Morons are calling the shooter a victim by being shot by the police! 
So, you see…I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

WHY ARE WE COWTOWING TO A POPULATION THAT AMOUNTS TO 3% OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SO OBVIOUSLY MENTALLY DERRANGED?!?!  Calling the shooter of innocent children a VICTIM?!  God has a very special place in Hell set aside for you!

AND WHY IS OUR GOVERNMENT NOT DENOUNCING THESE EVIL BASTARDS?!?

There is so much wrong with our country right now.  And they are arresting a past president, the only president who has done a damn thing to put this country back on the right path, for nothing!  They have weaponized our justice system and we’ve let them.  

Make sure you check out today’s Last Word, the Dragon has stuff to say.

This next one is from our fellow camper Leah…

Here in Utah, we went from extreme drought, to God’s giant gift of water preserved in snow. My friends live up in the mountains.  He stepped out the kitchen sliding doors on the top floor, to the deck, stepped over the deck banister, walked across piled snow, and stepped up on the garage roof to clean it off.  He used his chainsaw to cut through layers of ice hanging on his roof.  There are reports of collapsed roofs, lots of rescue stories.  

But it is worth it.  Man can figure out how to deal with snow removal and Spring Floods, but man can’t make water . . . Thank You God!

WOW: This is what 219% of normal snowpack looks like! ❄️ 🤯 ❄️

📍: Rock Canyon Campground, Utah

Just wow!  Thanks Leah!

Holy Cow!  That’s almost as strong as a dragon’s bite!

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

– Jimi Hendrix (1942 – 1970)

Deciding to eat healthier breakfasts, my brother-in-law declared that oatmeal would now be his cereal of choice.

But after eating his first bowl, he told my sister, “I hope I develop a taste for the stuff. It goes down real rough.”

“Well,” she asked, “how long did you cook it?”

“You’re supposed to cook it?” he said.

It’s really cool when dinner comes with it’s own toothpick.

All the democrats in Washington may have a chance after all.

The visiting minister was surprised when he went into the pulpit to find just one person in the congregation – an old farmer. He went down to him and said, “Is it worth proceeding?”

“What do you mean?” said the farmer.

“Well” said the minister, “is it worth having a service for such a small congregation?”

“When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up I don’t send it away hungry.”

Moved by this simple analogy, the minister went back to the pulpit and went through the whole service including a long and very forceful sermon. When he had finished he went down to the farmer and asked, “Was that alright?”

The farmer rather tersely replied, “When I take the bucket to the hens and only one turns up I don’t give it the whole bucket”.

LOVE and MARRIAGE 

Love is holding hands in the street. 
Marriage is holding arguments in the street 

Love is dinner for 2 in your favorite restaurant. 
Marriage is Chinese take-out. 

Love is cuddling on a sofa. 
Marriage is deciding on a sofa. 

Love is talking about having children. 
Marriage is talking about getting away from children. 

Love is losing your appetite. 
Marriage is losing your figure. 

Love is a flickering flame. 
Marriage is a flickering television. 

Love is 1 drink and 2 straws. 
Marriage is “Don’t you think you’ve had enough?!” 

I was talking to my friend last night at a cafe about my 4 motorcycles, all the bikes have women’s names. 

An elderly couple entered and sat in the next booth. 

My friend asked me, “So which one are you going to ride tonight?” 

I responded, “I think I will ride Mary for about three hours, eat, rest a bit, then ride Vixen for 2 hours.” 

The man sitting next to us spewed his coffee. 

My friend continued, “When are you going to ride the others?” I said, “Well, Amy will get ridden all day Saturday if my butt doesn’t get too sore.” 

The wife of the old man raised her eyebrows and smiled at me. 

I continued, “Sunday I expect to ride Alice in the country over rough roads, she handles better than the others.” 

“How?” my friend queried. 

“Well I get going as fast as I can, grab her by the handles and hang on for dear life.” 

“Has she ever thrown you.” asked my friend 

“A couple of times. Which is why I wear a helmet.” 

The old man leered at me. 

“Where do you keep them?” my friend wondered aloud. 

“I keep them locked up in the garage. I don’t want anyone else to touch them but me.” 

Again the man’s wife looked at me and smiled. The man got red in the face. 

My friend asked, “You can only ride em one at a time, so can I ride one?” 

“Heck yes, as long as you have life insurance. These gals are rough and tough and give no quarter.” 

Also, I have to charge you 10 dollars an hour to cover the maintaince on these ladies.” 

“Do you kick them to get them started.” he asked. 

“No, I just choke them a bit, then fire them up. They warm up really fast.” 

“Okay here is 10 dollars, let’s go.” My friend summarizes. 

“Here is the key to unlock her.” 

The husband and wife fainted. 

Our Escape Room is the BESTEST!!!!!

Musings… 

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it. 

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. 

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle. 

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic. 

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy. 

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.” 

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free? 

They told me I was gullible — and I believed them. 

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway. 

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long. 

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone. 

What if there were no hypothetical questions? 

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people. 

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail. 

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. 

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? 

My weight is perfect for my height — which varies. 

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure. 

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity. 

How can there be self-help “groups”? 

Is there another word for synonym? 

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?” 

The speed of time is one second per second. 

Is it possible to be totally partial? 

What’s another word for thesaurus? 

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? 

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot? 

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? 

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off. 

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. 

Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item — Wal-Mart’s own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, Calif., to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2-5 range. 

While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart  brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken,professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: “The right name is important.” 

So, here we go: 


 The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine: 

 12. Château Traileur Parc 
 11. White Trashfindel 
 10. Big Red Gulp 
 9.  Grape Expectations 
 8.  Domaine Wal-Mart “Merde du Pays” 
 7.  NASCARbernet 
 6.  Chef Boyardeaux 
 5.  Peanut Noir 
 4.  Château des Moines 
 3.  I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar! 
 2.  World Championship Riesling 

 And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Sparkling Wine … 

 1.  Nasti Spumante 

Q. What does a rattle snake and condom with a hole in it have in common? 

A. You don’t screw with either one of them. 

The Battle of Midway was considered a turning point in the war in the Pacific. If it wasn’t for code breaker Joseph Rochefort, the Japanese might have been unopposed, and they would have established a base on Midway. Rochefort was an avid crossword fan and worked as a cryptologist for the Navy. He cracked the complex “uncrackable” Japanese JN-25 code. Despite resistance from his boss, he told Admiral Nimitz that the Japanese were bringing a large fleet to Midway Island. Rochefort set a trap for the Japanese that proved he was right. As a result, the US navy was prepared, and the Japanese presence in the Pacific was severely weakened.

Coincidentally, two other crossword fans, a Brooklyn teacher and his wife, cracked the Zodiac Killer’s code.

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.

There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

Long ago there were two brothers Hing and Ming. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers!

The brothers decided to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university. And, having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves! Ming, aware of his brother’s lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole cartloads of leaves, and brewed barrels of the tea, and nearly drowned the poor chicken over another two month period.

At the end of that time, the dismal chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing’s courses, and all of Ming’s kin; couldn’t make gum tea re-feather a hen!

A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, “Doc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!”

The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn’t work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that’s it! Here’s $10.00. Go get something to eat!”

Left is Right, Inc.
______________

The high percentage of people that play any type of sport, play right handed.

Whether golf, tennis, archery, or even pickle ball, the Lefties are ignored and on their own. Our new company, ‘Left is Right’ will help to correct that.

A little known fact to golfers is that all of the dimples on golf balls slant slightly to the right. This contributes to the ball’s common path to the right. We will produce two new golf balls that will greatly help to correct the problem afflicting 99.9% of the world’s golfers.

Our new ball will be available with either a mild or strong dimple slant to the left.

Compounding the problem with the current golfballs is the use of a right handed robot that conducts the hitting tests. We have also developed our own Left Handed robot in our secret testing facility in South Jersey. Located in a former Yugo car dealership, ‘LEFTY’ has been hitting thousands of our new golf balls into a greatly reinforced barrier net. Besides flying much straighter, our new balls travel 75% farther on average.

The introductory price of only $84.95 a dozen will be justified by the lower scores being turned in. Two of our newly designed golf pencils (With extra large erasers) will be packaged with every dozen balls and are sure to help produce lower scores.

After we have a sufficient number of investors, we’ll begin developing other products. Improved tennis balls with a left facing cover is high on our list. Our product line will be endless thanks to the high number of left handed sports minded people. We will continue to send updates on current and future products.

Regards,

EOJ IDNAL,
Chief Business Officer
Left is Right, INC

I do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic, that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of …

To support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic.  That’s what it says and that’s what we swore.  And, as has already been established many times in this forum, my oath has not now, nor ever will expire, this is still in affect for me and every other Veteran and active duty member who is out there.  Okay, let’s put that as fact #1.

So, if China attacks us, I have an obligation to do what I can to defend this country, specifically, to support and defend it’s Constitution.  Pretty easy, pretty straight forward.

But, what about domestic enemies?  What about enemies who are obviously and openly doing everything they can to take away the powers and destroy the rights and the freedoms that we have under the Constitution? 

We know they are doing it.  They are being obvious about it.  Am I not fulfilling my oath by not doing what I can to defend my Constitution from them, whether or not they happen to be elected officials or even the Commander in Chief of the same military in which I serve?  Am I not now guilty of not fulfilling my oath of service?  Do I not have an OBLIGATION?

And I know someone is going to say that the oath continues to say that I also have an obligation to obey the orders of the officers placed over me.  But if I’m a retired Veteran, I no longer have any officers placed over me.  If I have been Honorably Discharged, I have no officers placed over me.

Where does my obligation lie?

It is worth thinking about and I would love to hear from the  other Vets out there who read this.  I say the other Vets, not to say that the rest of you don’t have a say, but you really don’t have a dog in this fight.  And if you have to ask me why not … well … that’s why.  If you have to ask, then that’s your answer.

I’m serious brothers and sisters.  Write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com and give me your opinion.  And until then…May God Bless us all with Love and Happiness and may He have mercy on our souls. 

One of my favorite headers and since I don’t have one picked out for this issue, I ran with an old favorite.  I should make up one for the Superhero Museum that Izzy and I visited on Monday, but I just haven’t gotten to it due to being very busy and needing to get this issue out since this is a UTA weekend and me having to work.  I’m trying like the dickens to get Saturday’s and Monday’s issue done soonest so that you guys have something to laugh about, when we all know there isn’t much to laugh at right now.  

Our worthless president making ice cream jokes when he should have been talking about the shooting in Nashville, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg that is crashing into our country right now.  I could honestly just cry.  I promised (and so did many, many other men and women) to lay down MY LIFE for this country and THAT MAN and others of his ilk are trying to GIVE IT AWAY and turn it into a LAUGHING STOCK. 

My heart hurts.  It aches with the souls of those who fought and died for what it means to BE an American.  He hasn’t a clue.  None of them do.  They really and truly don’t understand.  

Okay, my friends.  We MUST start laughing.  We have to.  It’s the only thing left us right now.

Okay, those guys are adorable!!!

This one is from Buddy Joe from NJ (who is also an Air Force and Navy Vet) (Just thought I’d throw that in) 

surprised?

Wife’s Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn’t flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, “nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, ‘I love you, too.’

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed but I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. We had sex, he fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Diary:

A two-foot putt… Who the hell misses a two-foot putt?

Patient: “During my operation,I heard the surgeon use a four-letter word that upset me very much.”

Nurse: “What word was that?”

Patient: “Oops!”

Editing!!!!

The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted.

“My Mummy looked back once while she was DRIVING,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”

ME TOO!!!

Old picture of me taking a bath when I was but a wee dragonette.

That is the honest truth.

Joe says this is an old classic, but through my laughter, I don’t think I’ve ever heard this one before, and I’m a pretty old classic myself.

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper:

A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart. Conditions were perfect…12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over…the “tell me when we’re having fun” kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you’ve ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn’t help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, “The white will provide more than adequate camouflage.” So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing.

If you’ve ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don’t move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving…even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees… somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere was still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. “So, how’d you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk.

“It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn’t believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out- of-control, down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her ski pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift…so, how’d you break your arm?

A Chinese man flew to Las Vegas on a vacation trip. He took a taxi from Harry Reid International Airport to the Stratosphere Hotel.

On his way seeing a bus pass by, he told the taxi driver that in the U.S. buses run very slow but that in China buses run very fast.

After sometime, they passed under a railway bridge and saw a train passing overhead. The Chinese man then told the driver that the trains also run very slow here but that in China trains run very fast.

Throughout the journey he complained to the driver disparaging the U.S. at every point. However, the taxi driver kept quiet throughout the journey.

When the Chinese man reached his destination, he asked the driver what the meter reading was and his taxi fare.

The taxi driver replied that it was $137.57.

The Chinese man was shell shocked. He shouted, “Are you kidding? In your country buses run slow, trains run slow, everything is slow. How come the meter alone runs fast?”

To this the taxi bro calmly replied:

*”THE METER IS MADE IN CHINA”*

A repentant wife, a lost dog returned, and a house risen from the ashes can only mean one thing:

Someone is playing a Country and Western song backwards.

It’s a nice little island, out in the middle of the sea…

I just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen.  Clearly my dog isn’t doing his part of the chores around here.

I went to an Inter-Religion Integration Seminar. 

The Bishop came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralyzed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!”

He was not amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

The Mullah came, took my hands and said, “Insha Allah, you will walk today!”

I politely told him, “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

The Hindu sadhu came and said, “Son, you will walk on your legs today.”

I said, “Babaji, there’s nothing wrong with my legs.”

The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, “By the will of the Great Buddha, you will walk today!”

I had to tell him there was nothing wrong with me.

After the Seminar, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.

I believe in all Religions now!

I really liked this one.  Thanks, Joe.

A Londoner, pinched for drunken driving, was submitted to a new testing machine which registered a staggering percentage of alcohol in his breath.

“Your machine must be on the blink,” insisted the Londoner.

“My wife’s a teetotaler. Try it on her.”

The police obliged and again the machine showed alcoholic content far above the allowable level.

“Now I KNOW your machine’s out of order,” cried the driver. “To prove it, let our little baby blow into the thing.” The baby’s breath was sampled, and sure enough, proved high on the alcoholic side.

Sheepishly, the police tore up the complaint.

Driving triumphantly away, the Londoner told his wife, “That was one wonderful idea of yours to give the baby those two slugs of gin before we left the pub.”

A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing. “Officer,” he asks, have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?” 

“No I haven’t. What’s the problem?” 

“The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!” 

“Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?” the officer asks. 

“Well, yes,” the barber replies. “He’s carrying one of his ears in his left hand.” 

I would definitely buy that cellphone!

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.

She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.

As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this.

Modern Green Technology at its finest!

I got an email today with a poll that I found really, really interesting.  The question was “What’s the current greatest threat to our country’s national security?”

Russia’s nuclear testing and threat of a western “target.”

China’s aggressive actions and military buildup.

Overseas terrorist groups like al Qaeda.

The domestic political squabbles that are dividing our nation. 

Unconventional attacks such as cyber warfare, disrupting the power grid. 

Something else. 

Now, on the other side of the following meme I’ll give you the results from the time that I took a copy of them and an explanation of WHO was doing the poll.  I think THAT will surprise you as much as the responses. 

Okay, so I lied, there were two memes.  But, what do you expect from a dragon?  So, here are the results…

And here’s the explanation… This is from the American Legion.  Which means that all the responses are from Veterans.  And THEY (WE) think we are our own worst enemy.  And I agree 100%.  With China being in second place.  Every single one of those other issues are made WORSE because our own house is not in order.  And it’s not in order because of really crappy leadership. 

The American Legion is a great organization for Veterans.  If you are a Vet and aren’t a member, why aren’t you?  Seriously, I want to know why.

A young man at his first job as a waiter in a diner has a large trucker sit down at the counter and order, “Gimme 3 flat tires and a couple of headlights.” 

He goes to the kitchen and tells the cook, “I think this guy’s in the wrong place, look what he ordered!” 

The cook says, “He wants 3 pancakes and 2 eggs sunny side up.” 

“I get it,” replied the waiter. So on his way back out to the counter he takes a bowl of beans to the trucker. 

He looks at it and says, “I didn’t order this!” 

The waiter tells him, “I figured while you’re waiting for your parts you might as well gas up!” 

A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire.

He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap.

After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, “You wanna screwdriver?”

He says, “Hell, we might as well. I can’t get this freaking hubcap off anyway.”

A recent news story detailed a medical implant which offers women the chance to experience orgasms with the press of a button. 

Tiny electrodes are implanted into the spine and a small signal generator in the skin under the buttocks. 

The patient then controls the sensation with a handheld remote. 

Side Effects of the New Orgasm Implant: 

1. Dramatic increase in the number of women seen hanging out at Radio Shack. 

2. Cosmopolitan magazine folds due to a drastic shortage of cover story headlines. 

3. Dad now surfs with two remotes.  

Mom never complains 

4. She never wants to cuddle anymore — it’s click, click, click, and she’s out the door. 

5. The Baptists hurriedly draft an extra Commandment. 

6. Thanks to a malfunctioning garage door opener, you’re looking at $1,000 to fix the hole your wife kicked in the dashboard of your car. 

7. The Energizer Bunny keeps coming and coming… 

8. “Not tonight, Honey. I have a thumbache.” 

9. Finally, size really *doesn’t* matter. 

10. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn’t paying attention… I’m sorry, could you repeat that? I wasn’t paying attention… I’m sorry…” 

11. Every time your cell phone rings, you feel the uncontrollable urge to shout your surgeon’s name. 

12. Side effects? Who cares about… oh… *oh*… OH, GOD! YESSSSSS!!!! 

13. In addition to “Mute” and “Favorite,” the wildly popular Radio Shack Ultimate Universal Remote now has a new button: “Big O.” 

14. Men no longer feel any responsibility toward satisfying their partner… errr, never mind. 

I KNOW I’ve seen this picture somewhere before… I just KNOW IT!  And then… I remembered the title, but not the author.  I actually thought it was an old Heinlein novel, but it wasn’t.  It was …

I just tried to find this on Kindle and it’s not available digitally.  It is available as a mass market paperback, but it must be an old classic.  The only price I could find on Amazon was $43.39 plus $3.99 shipping and handling.  In my EXTENSIVE digital library, I was amazed that I didn’t have a copy.  Oh well, plenty of other books to read.

And that’s it my friends, I hope you enjoyed this episode.  And I hope there will be one on Monday for you to enjoy, but like I said, April Fools weekend is also my UTA weekend and we all know how those work out.  So, until we meet again, may God Bless you all with Love and Happiness.

And here it is, still Saturday night and I’m now working on Thursday’s issue.  So, I went to a funeral this afternoon.  Our pastor gave a GREAT service.  I truly love hearing him preach.  But, other than that, I really don’t have anything to say right now, so I’m going to go ahead and start with the memes and funny stuff and maybe add to the wordiness of this later.

If you miss traveling, grab your suitcase, throw it down the stairs, hit it with a blunt object, and pretend you just flew with United.

This one is from our local wood carver, Stephen who says that he made this next one for a nurse he met at one of his hospital visits:

I think that’s pretty awesome Stephen.  Nice job.

I thought only redheads got Gingivitis.

Sewing Dragon…because we’re everywhere!

Never tell your personal problems to your co-workers.

80% don’t care and 20% are glad.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.

“Is everything okay, pal?” the bartender asks.

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing.  You know…a little peace and quiet?”

“Yeah, but today’s the last day.”

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d come in 4th place.  That way, I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

This is NOT what I thought of when you said, “Seafood” for dinner.

Some Stranger, Somewhere, Remembers You Because You Were Kind To Them.

Don’t be afraid of being different, be afraid of being the same as everyone else.

The dots are practically, almost touching each other, and people STILL cannot connect them.

I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Starting your day with an early morning run is a great way to make sure your day can’t get any worse than it started.

Wanna make a car dealer uncomfortable, just say… “Tell me if you can hear this.”

Then get in the trunk and start screaming.

We live in a time when intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

A man taking estrogen and then announcing he is biologically a woman is as delusional as me taking vitamin C and announcing I am now a citrus fruit.

Why are hallways in psychiatric hospitals call “hallways”?  Shouldn’t they be called psycho paths?

Her: Welcome to my she shed.

Gynecologist:  Please stop calling it that.

I think I’ve run this next one before, but it made me laugh so hard, that it’s worth running again.

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.

Before we close this issue out, we’re going to run a special picture sequence.  21 pictures of …

#1  Hmmm

#2  I Love You

#3  A Beautiful Place

#4  This Kiss

#5  Ohhh

#6  Immersing Myself In Nature

#7  Nature Censored This Safety Sign At Work So I Can Post It Without NSFW Label

#8  Sleeping Lady Mountain, Alaska

#9  Cacti Gone Wild

#10  Tree With Bums

#11  Not Sure What I Did To Annoy Mother Nature, but…

#12  Elephant

13  Nature Is Full Of Wonder

#14  So Sexy

#15  A Gift From Mother Nature

#16  Far From Accidental

#17  Life Stops For Nothing

#18  That’s Nature

#19  How Baby Carrots Are Made

#20  Picasso

#21  The Magical Tree Lady (and a pure classic!)

And that’s it my friends.  I hope you enjoyed this extra issue.  May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.

I think I told you about the monocular or little telescope that I bought as a present for myself.  If I didn’t, then consider yourself told.  Anyway, I can hook my phone up to it and take pictures.  I’m still getting used to it, but above is one of my first attempts.  We have a bald eagle’s nest in a field near our church.  It is about 200 yards out into a field.  The fence line to the field is right up against our parking lot and filled with …. well, look…

Moo-cows.  Lots and lots of moo-cows!  So, the only choice we have is to spy on them long distance.  And when the sun is shining, the adults are out soaring over the fields and the babies are just about ready to give it a shot!  I hope to get some decent pictures.

It’s fun at any rate.

So, let’s move on to the fun stuff.

My Dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me that he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my Mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my Mom, “Do you take this man to be your husband.” And she said, “I do.”

Then the minister asked my Dad, “Do you take this woman to be your wife,” and my Mom said, “He does.”

A little girl was wearing one of those Medical Alert bracelets.

Someone asked her what the bracelet was for.

She replied, “I’m allergic to nuts and eggs.”

The person asked, “Are you allergic to dogs or cats?”

The little girl said, “I don’t know….. I’ve never eaten a dog or cat.”

At the end of Chuck Lorre’s shows, he has a quick vanity card where he puts…something.  His latest one I like a lot.

CHUCK LORRE PRODUCTIONS, #724

You cannot have my language.

It is my right to describe the world as I see it, using words of my choosing.

If those words offend you, too bad.

Be offended.

Or just simply ignore me.

My feelings will not be hurt.

Your feelings, on the other hand, are as fragile as a snot bubble leaking from a stupid child’s nose.

You understand why, as a writer and an essayist, why I like those words.

Even as a young dragon, my proclivities were quite apparent.  

We keep getting wonderful pictures from the Dragon Forest.

My backyard, in the rain, at night.  I love the way the light is playing off the wet bare branches.

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments.

After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp.

I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, “I hate to tell you this, honey, but you’re trying to play a cheese slicer.”

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don’t you cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

“Hmmm,” the younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did. “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much extra work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doc said, your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?

“Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

My quick react team at Dragon Laffs, Inc.

Bob is going on vacation and sees a golf course and a sign that says “Get help from a Pro.”

So Bob thinks to himself wow I can get some help with my golf game. So he goes there and says to the pro “I’m going to hit a couple of golf balls and then will you tell me what I’m doing wrong?”

The pro says “yeah sure.”

So Bob hits the first one and it goes to the right. Bob asks what he was doing wrong the pro says “loft”.

Bob thinks to himself “loft” what’s that? Bob says “oh well” and hits another one this one goes to the right and Bob asks the pro “What did I do wrong this time?”

The pro again says “loft”. Bob thinks to himself “loft again” and hits another ball this one goes about 50 yds high and 100 yds out on the fairway. So Bob asks “What did I do wrong that time?”

Again the pro says “loft”. This time Bob asks the pro what “loft” means. The pro answers: “lack of flippin’ talent”

A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a lawsuit. 

They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure. 

They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a mess. 

An engineer comes along and sees what they’re trying to do. 

He walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away. 

After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and laughs. “Isn’t that just like an engineer. We’re looking for the height, and he gives us the length” 

Two mothers were talking about their sons.

The first said, “My son is such a saint. He works hard, doesn’t smoke, and he hasn’t so much as looked at a woman in over two years.”

The other woman said, “Well, my son is a saint himself. Not only hasn’t he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn’t touched a drop of liquor in all that time.”

“My word,” the first mother said. “You must be so proud.”

“I am,” the second mother replied. “And when he’s paroled next month, I’m going to throw him a big party.”

What Do You Call A Woman Who Puts Her Diaphragm In Crooked?

Mother

Another oldie from out dear friend and fellow camper and traveler Joe from NJ.

A 65-year-old woman had a heart attack. While on the operating table she had a near-death experience. Seeing God

she asked “Is my time up .

God said, “No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, liposuction, breast implants, and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her
teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing

the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn’t you pull me from the path of the
ambulance?”

God replied: ” I didn’t recognize you.”

65 year-old having a heart attack and a near-death experience sounds so wrong to me!  I’M going to be 65 this year!  But, it’s weird, if I look inside, I’m about 17.  What the heck happened?  When did I get old?  It’s EXACTLY like they say, it goes by so fast.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

     -Terence Alan Milligan KBE (1918 – 2002), known as Spike Milligan

Campers, that’s called Biological Warfare.  And the Fentanyl that is being sold to Mexico by China and smuggled across the border to the United States with the express purpose of killing Americans, that, my dear friends is called Chemical Warfare.  What your president is not telling you and probably will not admit to himself is that WE ARE ALREADY AT WAR WITH CHINA.  Those of us in the business know.  Hey, I DO THIS FOR A LIVING, FOLKS.  CBRN Survival Instructor.  CBRN = Chemical, Biological, Radioactive, and Nuclear.  Like I said, we are already at war.  We just aren’t fighting back.

It is infuriating to me that our government, the people that we put in charge of our country (and I know there are those of you out there who are screaming one of two things:  #1: I didn’t vote for him! or #2: He got in by cheating and shouldn’t be there anyway.  Put both of those to the side for the time being, because if that was really the case, we would have put him out on his butt by now) are doing everything they can to destroy this great country of ours.  It’s too many things in a row to be anything other than a purposeful destruction of our country.  It is so wrong.

Two rednecks meet in a bar and decide that they weren’t going anywhere in life, so they decide to go to college to get ahead.

They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest university. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. “What’s Logic?” asks the redneck.

The professor replies, “Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?”

“I sure do,” grins the redneck.

“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replies the professor.

“That’s real good,” the redneck responds in awe.

The professor continues: “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.”

Impressed, the redneck shouts “AMAZIN’!”

“And since you own a house, logic suggests that you have a wife.”

“Betty Mae… this is incredible!”

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” says the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of. I cain’t wait to take this here logic class.”

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where his friend is waiting.

“So what classes are ya takin’?” the friend asks.

“Math,History, and Logic,” replies the first redneck.

“What in tarnation is Logic?” asks the friend.

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?”

“No,” says his friend. “You’re queer, ain’t ya?

A recent bride called her mother one evening in tears.  “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandmother’s meat loaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for George because he loves meat loaf.  What could have gone wrong?” 

Her mother replied soothingly, “Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it out.” 

“OK,” the bride sniffled. “Well, it starts out, ‘ Take fifty cents worth of ground beef ‘…” 

While on vacation, Little Johnny’s Daddy took one afternoon to see historic sites downtown.

Two young families were also in line to the see the sites.

Little Johnny struck up a conversation with one of the boys in line.

“My name is Kirby. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Johnny”.

“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Pop do for a living?” asked the first boy.

Little Johnny replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Kirby.

Johnny replied, “No, just the regular kind.”

An old lady’s husband had just died and she felt their was no reason to live anymore.

She called the doctor and asked exactly where her heart was.

He told her it should be under her left breast.

That night she went to the emergency room with a bullet in the knee.

Awwww!!!!

Here’s another one from Joe from NJ who starts off with:

Impish, read a book many years ago that said there were no new jokes. Only old ones that keep cycling. This one is extremely old and was supposedly on a subway train:

On a step, a priest sat next to a drunk struggling to read a newspaper.

That cat looks really irritated.  

Sitting here on Saturday morning, with the news on in the background, getting ready to go to a funeral for a member of the church.  I didn’t know him very well.  23 people killed in Mississippi from devastating tornadoes that went through last night.  Some of the pictures they are showing are truly horrendous.  Biden will send money to French students who are concerned with sex change operations before he will send money to Mississippi.  We pray that God is with all the people there in the coming days and helps them to get through this tragedy.

Chocolate factory in Pennsylvania explodes overnight killing two people.  Another tragedy.

Missile attacks on our bases in Syria.  Killing an American contractor and injuring several military personnel.  Attacks on our bases have increased dramatically since Biden has become president.  The Whitehouse’s reaction?  Well, these things happen.  We shouldn’t over react.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!  Until we make those places that launched the attack into parking lots they are just going to continue.  And when we actually apologize for them, they are going to multiply.  You weak minded, spineless idiot!

I could just cry.  It is actually bringing a tear to my eye as I write this.  I am so frustrated.  Not only with the incredibly weak leadership being demonstrated in our country, but the fact that the other members of my once strong country are just sitting by and letting it all go on.  And even worse, the insane democratic morons who actually AGREE with what he is doing.  

Okay, I want to end with this one, also from Joe from NJ.  It’s called:

What are ten truths everyone should accept in life?

The most important thing you will ever learn is how to manage your thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.
Your life will pass faster than you realize. Don’t wait for “someday” to take action on what is really important to you.
Care for your body and mind like the temple it is. You only get one of each for each trip through life.
Life is short and then you die. No one will remember you in a few generations, or even sooner. Therefore, stop trying to make others happy, and focus on what enriches your life and the life of those around you.
Your thoughts are not the truth. Don’t listen to the negative crap in your head. It’s not true.
Life is magical and beautiful. This isn’t necessarily true, but adopting this perspective will enhance the quality of your life and train you to find the good in life.
You will fail. You will lose people you love. You will be hurt and betrayed by people you have trusted. Don’t let any of this define you. Be defined by Who You Really Are – your deepest truth and values.
Speaking of values – KNOW YOURS and design your life accordingly.
Having a clear mission and purpose increases life satisfaction.
Relationships = longevity. Cultivate a happy, healthy, loving support network by being the kind of person that others want to be around.

Thank you Joe.  That one hit me really hard.  It really did.  Thanks.

And thanks to all of you for tuning in today.  May God Bless you all  with Love and Happiness until we meet again.