As you are reading this on Saturday morning, I’m supposed to be teaching a CBRN class.
But, I’m not. I’ve gotten one of my great guys to teach the Saturday classes for me this UTA. Because I am otherwise engaged this Saturday.
I’ve been invited to a special Grief Group on Saturday morning. A once a year gathering of all the yearly groups for a special presentation called, Getting Through the Holidays. And I have to tell you, as the holidays draw nearer and near, the harder and harder it’s getting.
If it was just me, I think I could just ignore them, hide away in my room and pretend they weren’t even going on. Cry in my pillow at night and that would be the end of it, but with Izzy Dragon being here, it’s not fair to her to at least try to make it seem as if … we are … what? Celebrating the holidays?
Thanksgiving will be the first big test. That was always Mary’s thing. We’d have the Whelpling and the grandkids and we could still do that or we could go to their house and celebrate with them. EXCEPT my son had already agreed that this year they were going to his mom’s house or his wife’s mom’s house because the past couple of years they’ve been with us, so it’s fair. I got no bones. But, I’ve also got no place to go and no desire AT ALL to make a Thanksgiving dinner at home. So, I’m thinking maybe Bob Evans, because their new turkey sandwich looks really good.
But, Christmas I think is going to drive me into the ground. Mary went in the hospital the first time on the day after Christmas …
Maybe I’m just borrowing trouble …
And yet, I’ve already got tears in my eyes and my heart is so very heavy. I guess I’ll find some hope and help on Saturday.
Okay, that’s enough internal soul searching for episode. Let’s get to the other stuff that you really came here for.
Yes, I know the one before that one was mean, but it was done to me so I had to do it to you.
And this next one is an oldie, but a goodie.
A company, feeling it is time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $200 a week, why?”
The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!” Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery !!
My doctor said I was paranoid.
Well, he didn’t actually say it, but I could tell he was thinking it.
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
“How much is it?” she asked.
“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. “But it comes with an inscription,” he said.
“What kind of inscription?” she asked.
“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “but one of the old golfers favorites is, NEVER UP, NEVER IN.'”
“OH, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”
I can’t. I’m still in the midst of the event I thought would end me.
All the damn time.
That is incredibly funny. I would love to see her face when she finds it.
“Stir in 2 cups of … ? Where in the heck am I supposed to find ground Kobold toe nails?”
GOOD & BAD
Good: The teacher thinks your son’s great.
Bad: In bed.
Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.
Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter’s the headliner.
Good: Your boyfriend’s exercising.
Bad: So he’ll fit in your clothes.
Good: Your daughter’s on the Pill.
Bad: She’s eleven.
Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.
Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.
Bad: You find a porn movie in your son’s room.
Worse: You’re in it.
Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.
Bad: Your husband’s a crossdresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
A man goes in bar. A mouse jumps out of his pocket.
Bartender says, “Nice mouse.”
The man says, “Not your ordinary mouse. it talks.”
Bartender says “Oh yea, what about?”
Man says, “See that woman at the end of the bar, the mouse will tell me what color panties she has on.”
Bartender says, “Really? I gotta see this.”
The man points to a woman says to mouse, “Mouse: woman!”
Mouse runs down sees woman’s panties from the floor and comes back and says “Pink.”
“Wow, bartender says. will he do that for me?”
Man says “Sure.”
Bartender sees a woman sitting at a table, points to her, says “Mouse: woman!”
Mouse runs out, comes tearing back, bounces off the bar into the bartenders pocket shaking like a leaf. Bartender says “What’s wrong with you?”
Mouse says “I taught I taw a puddy tat!”
This is just a fantastic picture.
This next one is from Trish. Thanks Trish.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG
- Try everything twice. On one woman’s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph: “Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!”
- Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)
- Keep learning:
Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever…
Never let the brain get idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!
- Enjoy the simple things.
- Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.
6… The tears happen:
Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.
- Surround yourself with what you love: Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.. Your home is your refuge.
- Cherish your health:
If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
- Don’t take guilt trips.. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.
- Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity. I love you, my special friend.
- Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.. And if you don’t send this to at least 4 people – who cares? But do share this with someone.
Remember! Lost time can never be found.
Wine does not make you FAT …- it makes you LEAN ….(Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)
The people who shut down your businesses and killed your careers are now asking that you re-elect them so they can keep their jobs.
NEVER forget what they’ve done to you.
Me: I have many hidden talents.
Someone: Like what?
Me: I don’t know, they’re all hidden.
In the middle of his sermon, the visiting Minster stopped, and called one of the ushers.
He pointed to a man in the 5th row. “That man is sound asleep, go and wake him.”
The usher shook his head and said, “Wake him yourself, you put him to sleep!”
Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Than he could pay.
Little Johnny sat playing in the garden.
When his mother came out to collect him, she saw that he was slowly eating a worm.
She turned pale. “No, Johnny! Stop! That’s horrible! You can’t eat worms!”
Trying to convince him further she noted, “Now the mother worm is looking all over for her nice baby worm.”
“No, she isn’t,” said Johnny.
“How do you know she’s not?” said the mother.
“Because I ate her first!” answered Little Johnny.
An European, Australian and Asian guy went for a hike one day. It was very hot. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the European and the Australian quickly used their hands to cover their privates. But the Asian covered his face while they ran for cover. After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The European and the Australian asked the Asian why he covered his face rather than his privates. The Asian replied, "I don't know about you, but where I come from, it's the face that people recognize."
Church Bulletin Bloopers Next Friday we will be serving hot gods for lunch. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check and drip in the collection basket. Nov.11: An evening of boweling at Lincoln Country Club. Karen's beautiful solo: "It is Well With My Solo." Congratulations to Tim and Ronda on the birth of their daughter October 12 thru 17. If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector. Hymn: "I Love Thee My Ford." Sign-up sheet for anyone wishing to be water baptized on the table in the foyer. Newsletters are not being sent to absentees because of their weight. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep. The Advent Retreat will be held in the lover level of St. Mary's Cathedral. The District Duperintendent will be meeting with the church boared. As soon as the weather clears up, the men will have a goof outing. Fifth Sinday in Lent. Lent is a period for preparing for Holy Weed and Easter. Thank you, dead friends. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget all His benefits. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peach to men. Bring one dozen coolies wrapped for Christmas. The lovers in the exhaust fan are not working. Volunteers are needed to spit up food. Head Deacon and Dead Deaconess We pray that our people will jumble themselves.