It sounds like my change in font and such worked out well, as is demonstrated by this wonderful little comment that I got from dear Maggie: 

I’m glad it’s working out for you, Maggie and appreciate the feedback.  I hope it works out as well for everyone else.  Oh, and Izzy Dragon says hi back.

Today is Saturday and I was supposed to be at my son’s house for Thanksgiving with my grandkids, his dear wife (whom I love as my own) and her family.  As you may have caught, the key words in that sentence was “supposed to be”.  I’m at home, talking to you guys instead because I’m not feeling well and don’t want to pass anything on to them.  I don’t think I would’ve been helped by driving an hour and a half there and then again back later tonight.  My question though, is why don’t I feel good?  Do I really not feel good or am I emotionally not feeling good and it transferred to me not feeling good physically?  I’m not dumb enough to think that this is not effecting me emotionally, but on the off chance that I am sick and contagious, I have to err on the side of caution.  So…I’m home today and working on Dragon Laffs.

Which is okay.

I specifically moved this one to the top of the queue so that I could talk about it because it is SO TRUE!  Everyone has an internal voice inside of them that tells them right from wrong.  You KNOW when you are doing something that’s wrong or cruel or hurtful or whatever and if you do it anyway, you can justify it anyway you want, you are still wrong.  Just like Joe Biden and the giving away of America.  He’s doing it to win votes and keep the democrats in power.  That’s his justification, but inside, he has to KNOW that what he’s doing is WRONG.  He promised to forgive all the student loans, even though he KNEW that it was illegal.  But, that wasn’t brought out until after the mid-terms and all the young people who thought they were getting all that money voted for the left, even though the intelligent thinking person KNEW it was a bad, evil, wrong thing.  Now that a judge is saying that he can’t do it, it’s “Gee, I’m sorry, I tried” and all the young people were hoodwinked.  Biden KNEW what he was doing was wrong, but did it anyway.  That is NOT the kind of people we want running our country.  What was once thought to be the greatest country on the face of the earth.  “If you need the threat of Hell to be a good person, then you are just an evil person on a leash.”

Here’s a great video sent in by Joe about another issue that electric vehicles have.  Thanks brother!

This one was sent in by Trish.  And although I’m pretty sure we’ve seen it before, it’s well worth seeing again.  Thanks Trish.

A lesson that should be taught in all schools . . And colleges….

Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a social studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock , did something not to be forgotten. On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her classroom.

When the first period kids entered the room they discovered that there were no desks.

‘Ms. Cothren, where’re our desks?’

She replied, ‘You can’t have a desk until you tell me how you earn the right to sit at a desk.’

They thought, ‘Well, maybe it’s our grades.’

‘No,’ she said.

‘Maybe it’s our behavior.’

She told them, ‘No, it’s not even your behavior.’

And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still no desks in the classroom.

By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren’s classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.

The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the deskless classroom, Martha Cothren said, ‘Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you.’

At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.

Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall. By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned..

Martha said, ‘You didn’t earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it’s up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don’t ever forget it.’

By the way, this is a true story. And this teacher was awarded Teacher of the Year for the state of Arkansas in 2006.

Please consider passing this along so others won’t forget that the freedoms we have in this great country were earned by U. S. Veterans.

And I did fact check this one and it is true and not embellished.  The only difference I could find is that it was a Military History class and not a Social Studies class.  Not sure that’s a big enough difference to matter.  Thanks Trish for a very inspirational story.

There are two rules in life:

1.  Never give out all the information.

Been there, done that!

“Unless you have Girl Scout Cookies, stop ringing my damn doorbell!”

Never Forget the 3 Types of People in Your Life:

1.  Who helped you in your difficult times.
2. Who left you in your difficult times.
3. Who put you in difficult times.

This one was sent in by Leah, and like I told her … it means a lot to me.  

“My parents were married for 55 years. One morning, my mom was going downstairs to make dad breakfast, she had a heart attack and fell. My father picked her up as best he could and almost dragged her into the truck. At full speed , without respecting traffic lights, he drove her to the hospital.

When he arrived, unfortunately she was no longer with us.

During the funeral, my father did not speak; his gaze was lost. He hardly cried.

That night, his children joined him. In an atmosphere of pain and nostalgia, we remembered beautiful anecdotes and he asked my brother, a theologian, to tell him where Mom would be at that moment. My brother began to talk about life after death, and guesses as to how and where she would be.

My father listened carefully. Suddenly he asked us to take him to the cemetery.

Dad!” we replied, “it’s 11 at night, we can’t go to the cemetery right now!”

He raised his voice, and with a glazed look he said:

“Don’t argue with me, please don’t argue with the man who just lost his wife of 55 years.”

There was a moment of respectful silence, we didn’t argue anymore. We went to the cemetery, we asked the night watchman for permission. With a flashlight we reached the tomb. My father caressed her, prayed and told his children, who watched the scene moved:

“It was 55 years… you know? No one can talk about true love if they have no idea what it’s like to share life with a woman.”

He paused and wiped his face. “She and I, we were together in that crisis. I changed jobs …” he continued. “We packed up when we sold the house and moved out of town. We shared the joy of seeing our children finish their careers, we mourned the departure of loved ones side by side, we prayed together in the waiting room of some hospitals, we support each other in pain, we hug each Christmas, and we forgive our mistakes… Children, now it’s gone, and I’m happy, do you know why?

Because she left before me. She didn’t have to go through the agony and pain of burying me, of being left alone after my departure. I will be the one to go through that, and I thank God. I love her so much that I wouldn’t have liked her to suffer…”

When my father finished speaking, my brothers and I had tears streaming down our faces. We hugged him, and he comforted us, “It’s okay, we can go home, it’s been a good day.”

That night I understood what true love is; It is far from romanticism, it does not have much to do with eroticism, or with sex, rather it is linked to work, to complement, to care and, above all, to the true love that two really committed people profess “.

I suppose, in that regard, I am glad that Mrs. Dragon went before I did.  That she didn’t have to go through the agony and misery that I’ve gone through.  It is an unusual way of looking at it, but it does help.  Thanks Leah.

“A basic website costs 10k, or 25k upwards if you want all the Belgian whistles,” he said.

“So, we’ve got all these cookies to get rid of…now, I’ve heard of a spirit dragon, out in the forest, who may be interested.  Some of us are going to have to dress as Girl Scouts.”

Most people are at the age where they are using their phones to document the good times in their lives.  I’m at the age where I use my phone to take pictures of labels that I can’t read and use my phone to enlarge the print so that I can read it.

Holy cow!  I have finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain!

On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

I just flew back from a ravioli convention.

Boyaredees arms tired!

This is probably one of the greatest lists I’ve ever read!  Thanks to Joe for sharing it with all of us.

Long but educational!

Natural Laws 


1. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 

2. Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. 

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other. 

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves. 

8. If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office. 

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would  be so many. 

11. Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back. This is what I’m doing wrong. 

12. Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.” 

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy. 

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing. 

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything that goes wrong – until the next person quits or is fired. 

18. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough time to do it over. 

19. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. 
(For instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T …) 

20. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it. 

21. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 

22. People are always available for work in the past tense. 

23. If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

24. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying. 

25. When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

26. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 

27. No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 

28. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?” 

29. The longer the title, the less important the job. 

30. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives. 

31. An “acceptable” level of employment means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 

32. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. 

33. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one’s own. 

34. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure. 

35. If anything can go wrong, it will. 

36. Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 

37. Everything takes longer than you expect. 

38. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will do the most damage will go wrong first. 

39. Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 

40. If you play with something long enough, you will surely break it. 

41. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 

42. If you see that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 

43. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 

44. Mother Nature is a bitch. 

45. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. 

46. If a great deal of time has been expended seeking the answer to a problem with the only result being failure, the answer will be immediately obvious to the first unqualified person. 

47. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 

48. Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. 
— Harvard’s Law 

49. Never replicate a successful experiment. 
— Fett’s Law 

50. Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing. 
— von Braun 

51. It is not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 
— Phil White 

52. In any decision situation, the amount of relevant information available is inversely proportional to the importance of the decision. 
— Cooke’s Law 

53. Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upwards from the floor-especially in the dark. 
— Ross’s Law 

54. The number of adjectives and verbs that are added to the description of a menu item is in inverse proportion to the quality of the dish. 
— Calkin’s Law of Menu Language 

55. Don’t force it; get a larger hammer. 
— Anthony’s Law of Force 

56. Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. 
— Anthony’s Law of the Workshop 

57. Arnold’s Laws of Documentation: 

(1) If it should exist, it doesn’t. 
(2) If it does exist, it’s out of date. 
(3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws. 

58. Beifeld’s Principle: 

The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 
(1) a date, 
(2) his wife, 
(3) a better looking and richer male friend. 

59. Bradley’s Bromide: 
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee — that will do them in. 

60. DeVries’s Dilemma: 
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don’t want hits the paper. 

61. Drew’s Law of Highway Biology: 
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front of your eyes. 

62. Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. Corollary: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 

63. Finagle’s Third Law: 
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 

64. First Rule of History: 
History doesn’t repeat itself — histo

Absolutely fantastic!  Thanks brother!

Don’t let getting lonely make you reconnect with toxic people. 

You shouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.

A fact is information minus emotion.
An opinion is information plus experience.
Ignorance is an opinion lacking information.
And, stupidity is an opinion that ignores a fact.

Congratulations to everyone who didn’t have college debt.  Now you do.

A Santa Fe, TX minister said it best… “We have created a culture that does not value life, that does not honor God, that does not respect authority.  We are reaping the consequences of those actions and that’s not going to be reversed by a security guard or a metal detector.  The long-term goal is to change hearts.  We’re allowing the culture to raise our kids.”

Since I don’t have a student loan, I’ll take my $10,000 in direct deposit.

Comparing Tesla’s 0 to 60 times to real performance cars is like comparing a microwave to a bar-b-que grill.  It may cook faster, but nobody ever wished for a microwaved burger.

I paid my 15 year old $10 to do the dishes.

Then, on his way to the bathroom, I mugged him because it’s my job to teach him life lessons.

So, my new watch was so expensive, I had to finance it.

I’m living on borrowed time.

Joe sent me a great story and apologized because he couldn’t make it a better size.  So, I liked it enough that I decided to type it out myself.  So, here it is complete.

A 99-year-old veteran who gave his food to a girl in France during the Second World War has been reunited with her 78 years later.

Reg Pye, from Burry Port, South Wales, served with the 224 Field Company, Royal Engineers, as a driver carrying sappers, mines and ammunitions, during the Battle of Normandy.

While moving through Normandy in June 1944, 14 days after D-Day, Mr. Pye spotted a 14-year-old girl staring at him as he ate his evening meal – a slice of bread with jam and a tin of pilchards.

The then 21-year-old immediately gave the girl his bread with jam and she ran away to eat it.

When he woke the next morning, he found that she had half filled his mess tin with milk and left a picture of herself with a written message on the back, which he kept in his wallet.

In November this year, the girl was identified as Huguette, now 92, and was reunited with Mr. Pye in France where he showed her the picture he had held for 78 years, and gave her another jam sandwich.  When meeting Huguette, Mr. Pye said, “Nice to see you again after such a long time.  We got older but we’re still the same.”

They drank champagne with their extended families and a translator.

Mr. Pye said, “The memory of my very brief encounter with this young girl will stay with me forever.

“In the bleakest of times, this bit of human interaction made a huge mark on my life.  I have carried her picture in my wallet for 78 years always hoping we might meet again.”

Mr. Pye went back to Normandy 20 years ago to try to find Huguette but was unsuccessful.  After hearing the story, volunteer Paul Cook, from the Taxi Charity for Military Veterans, an organization run by London black taxi drivers which arranges free trips for veterans to the Netherlands, Belgium and France, started a social media campaign which eventually reunited the pair.

Mr. Pye added, “I cannot believe that she has finally been found and I wish to thank everyone, including our friend Emma, our cab driver Paul and the Taxi Charity’s French adviser Nathalie Varniere, who have helped to make my dream come true.”

Mr. Cook said, “There are no words to describe how elated I am that Reg has found Huguette, this is like a Hollywood blockbuster and I wouldn’t be surprised if this beautiful story was made into a film.”

That was a great story.  Thanks to Joe for sharing it with us and a really good way to wrap up today’s episode.  

So, until we meet again on Thanksgiving Day, May God keep you and bless you.

Okay, so I’ve had a couple of comments from some fellow campers and people that I trust (Hiya Hank and Maggie!), that parts of some of the episodes have been difficult to read.  I’m pretty sure that I know what has happened and I’m going to fix it with this issue.  But my request to you guys is that if you notice stuff like that, let me know … and the comments section is the best place to do that because I will see that the fastest.  

Now, keep in mind that a lot of it will depend on what kind of device you are reading this on and whether or not you are actually going to the website to read or just getting it in an email.  For the best experience, every Monday, Thursday and Saturday morning … OR … when you get notified that there is a new issue you go to dragonlaffs.com http://dragonlaffs.com and read there.  But I know that a lot of you are like me and have your favorite tablet or whatever that you do your stuff on and you have habits that you stick to.  And I feel pretty sure that some of you are out there trying to read those big ass cartoons on a little bitty phone screen.

All I can say to that is, “Good Luck!”

Anyway, like I said, if you see something, say something.  Other than that, let’s get this party started!

A little girl asked her mother, “Can I go outside and play with the boys?”

Her mother replied, “No, you can’t play with the boys, they’re too rough.”

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, “If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?”

Three old guys are sitting on a porch in Miami

Suddenly the first sighs and says, “Gentlemen, isn’t life horrible.  Here I am at an age that I can afford the best steaks and what?  Bad teeth and gums.  I have to eat ground or soft foods.”

The second answers, “Yeah, life is a real bummer.  Why, here I am at an age where I can buy the finest wines, champagne, but what?  Ulcers!  I have to drink milk.”

The third sighs loudly and adds, “Gentlemen, I know exactly what you mean.  Last night at 2 am I nudged my wife and asked her if she’s interested.  She screams at me, “What’s wrong with you dear?  We just got finished doing it for the second time tonight!”

After a long pause the first man says, “So what is your problem?”

The third one grunts and says, “Can’t you see?  My memory is going.”

Church Bloopers

• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water.  The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus.
• Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale.  It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Bring your husbands.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.  Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say ‘Hell’ to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
• Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. 
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PMthere will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.  Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.  Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday:  ” I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.” 

“And then what happened?”
“Well, me and the boys, flew over the next village and burned THAT one …”

Thirty Lines To Make You Smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.

2.. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4  Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

6.. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12.. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!

18 Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20  I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With that?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.

29 The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30 I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.

Three Reform Rabbis were in a terrible auto wreck. None survived.

One minute they were driving along the highway, talking and laughing and joking, and the next, BOOM! they were before the Creator of all. Shaking his head, The Omnipotent One looks at the three. “Reform I can understand. But where will it end?

You! Goldblum! The ashtrays in your temple so My people could smoke while the Torah was being read???”

Goldblum shuddered.

God went on. “I can live with that. Men are weak, but the Word is strong!” Goldblum sighed with relief.

“Bauman! Really, I can accept My people need to eat, but really: serving Ham Sandwiches to the devout at the temple during Yom Kippur?”

Bauman hung his head in shame.

“Even that I can allow to pass, even with the eating of that which is not Kosher. I’m not pleased at all with the playing fast and loose with my people, but I can accept these indiscretions.” Bauman also heaved a sigh of relief.

Finally, He turns to the third rabbi and says, “You, Rabinowitz, have gone too far! Am I asking too much? No, you flaunt the world at Me, even on the holiest days of Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by putting out a sign saying…. “Closed for the Holidays !!!”

Teddy came thundering down the stairs, much to his father’s annoyance.

“Teddy,” he called, “how many more times have I got to tell you to come downstairs quietly? Now, go back upstairs and come down like a civilized human being.”

There was a silence, and Teddy reappeared in the front room.

“That’s better,” said his father, “now in future will you always come down stairs like that.”

“Suits me,” said Teddy. “I slid down the railing.”

Sometimes, it’s easier to just work it out in the ring!

Tom’s new wife wasn’t very attractive, but he was no oil-painting, either.

After the wedding ceremony, Tom asked the pastor how much the cost was.

“Just give me what you think it is worth to have this lady for your wife,” replied the Reverend.

Tom looked at his wife, and handed the pastor $50.

The pastor looked at Tom’s wife and gave him $42 in change.

A man who was buying a sports shirt found the largest size too snug.

“Where do I go from here?” he asked the svelte young woman who was helping him.

“To the gym,” she replied.

The Top 5 Indications That Military Intelligence May Be Suspect

 5 Latest high-definition satellite photos of the insurgent stronghold Samarra show clearly-defined subdivisions of Main Street, Fantasyland, Tomorrowland, Adventureland, Frontierland and New Orleans Square. 

 4 They report “increased dental chatter” during periods of very cold weather. 

 3 Recon photos of alleged foreign operative “Jaylo Butay” are regularly found in insecure locations such as bathrooms and barracks. 

 2 Hidden somewhere in every report: “olin-Cay owell-Pay is an ussy-pay.” 

 1 The latest U.N. weapons inspectors’ discovery confirms military intelligence’s worst fear: oxymoronium. 

The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those tiny give away gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize these key “signs.” 

1. Man gets in car without opening door for woman.
– No foreplay.

2. Can’t hail a cab.
– Impotent.

3. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant.
– Prefers virgins.

4. Insists on going to a brand new restaurant, but gets lost on the way. 
– He is a virgin.

5. Wants to go to a French Restaurant.
– Will swallow.

6. Takes too long deciding what to order.
– Has trouble reaching orgasm.

7. Insists on ordering for you, saying, “The lady will have…” 
– Thinks you had an orgasm when you didn’t.

8. Asks for “the usual”
– Insists on missionary position only.

9. Asks what the specials are.
– Will want you to use handcuffs.

10. Fills up on bread and crackers. 
– Premature ejaculator.

11. Drinks decaf.
– Fakes orgasms.

12. Asks for detailed descriptions of desserts.
– Needs you to talk dirty during sex.

13. Credit card is refused.
– Low sperm count. 

14. Under tips waiter.
– Small penis.

15. Uses toothpick.
– Is trying to tell you size isn’t everything. 

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details. 

She said “well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine”. 

“Well, what did he want to do?” they all asked. 

She said ” I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn’t have that much”. 

“So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn’t have that much either”. 

“Finally I said, well, how much do you have”? 

The marine said that he only had $25. 

The new hooker said “well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand” 

He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said “he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand…” 

“Oh my god” they all exclaimed, “it must have been huge, then what did you do?” 

“I loaned him $75!” she said. 

Q: What is the similarity between a video recorder and a man?

A: They go forwards, backwards, forwards, and backwards, stop and eject!

You cannot raise your children the way your parents raised you.  Because your parents raised you for a world that no longer exists.

How often should I plan to have sex? The young bridegroom asked his grandfather on his wedding night. 

Grandpa said, When you’re first married, you want it all the time, Maybe several times a day. 

Later on, sex tapers and you have it maybe once a week or so.  Then, as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. 

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year maybe on your anniversary. 

Well, how about you and grandma now?  The younger man asked. 

Grandpa replied, Oh, we just have oral sex now.  

What’s oral sex? The young bridegroom asked. 

Well, said Grandpa, She goes to bed in her bedroom, I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, SCREW YOU, and I holler back, SCREW YOU TOO. 

Tombstones

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:

She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

A manager is told by his doctor that he has to take on some sport so he decides to play tennis. After a couple of weeks his secretary asks him how he’s doing.

“It’s going fine”, the manager says, “When I’m on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: “To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!”

“Really? What happens then?” the girl asks all enthusiastic.

“Then my body says: Who? Me? Don’t talk nonsense!”

Seriously?

The telephone lineman had been out drinking the night before, and the next day he went to work not feeling too good.

He climbed to the top of the first pole and as he took his pliers out to repair the wire he dropped them. He had to climb all the way down to retrieve them. As he got to the bottom of the pole and was picking up his pliers, a small boy who was standing there said, “My daddy is a lineman too and he would have had two pair of pliers, so he wouldn’t have to climb down the pole if he dropped one of them”.

The lineman tied to ignore the boy and climbed back up the pole very slowly. About his time he needed a hammer to drive in a large nail. As he was taking it out, it slipped and fell to the ground. Again he had to climb down the pole to retrieve it. So he slowly climbed down the pole and sure enough the little boy was still standing there. He said, “My daddy is a lineman too and he would have carried two hammers so if he had lost one he wouldn’t have to climb down”.

This irritated the lineman, but he ignored the boy and climbed back up the pole to finish his work. He was no sooner up the pole when he had to go to the bathroom, so down he climbs from the pole and goes over to the bushes to take a leak. As he was relieving himself he saw the little boy watching him through the bushes.

He’d had it with this kid so he says to him, “I’ll bet your dad doesn’t have two of these, does he?”

The boy replied, “No, but his would make two of yours”.

And with that nicely ironic signs, we’re going to call it a day.  I hope you guys had as much fun reading this one as I had writing it.  Love and Happiness to you all until we meet again.

Well, it’s Thursday and it’s been a week!  The week before Thanksgiving week and I’m not looking forward to the holidays even more this week than last week.  It’s like a weight sitting on my chest pushing down on me.  I’m trying not to have it bother me, but … it is.  

I have my grief group on Wednesday (today, as I’m writing this it’s Monday night) and I’ll probably talk about it then and report back to you guys and let you know how it goes.

But for now, let’s get to some laughter to get a lighter mood on the day, shall we?

Oh Crap!

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

“I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE…”
“I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO…”
“I PRAY FOR A NEW PVR…”

His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, “Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn’t deaf.”

To which the little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

1. Scintillate, Scintillate, asteroid exiguous.

  2. Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate.

  3. Surveillance should precede salutations

  4. Pulchritude poses possesses solely coetaneous profundity

  5. It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lacteal fluid.

  6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

  7. The stylus is more potent then the claymore.

  8. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

  9. Eschew the implement of correction of vitiate the scion.

 10. The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled saucepan does not does reach 100C'.

 11. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

 12. Where there are visible vapors in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.

 13. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

 14. A plethora of individual with expertise in culinary techniques vitiate the potable concoctions produced by steeping certain comestibles.

 15. Eleemosynary deeds have their insipience intramurally.

 16. Male cadavers are incapable of yielding any testimony.

 17. Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting petrous projectiles.

 18. Neophyte's serendipity.

 19. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hadonisita diversion renders John a habatudinous fellow.

 20. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congaries of a small, green bryophitic plant.

 21. A person presenting the ultimate cachination possess thereby the optimal cachination.

 22. Abstention from any aleatory undertakings precludes a potent potential escalation of lucrative nature.

 23. Missiles of ligneous or petrous consistency have the  potential of fracturing my osseous structures but appellations will eternally name innocuous.

 Answers


  1. Twinkle, twinkle, little star.

  2. Birds of a feather, flock together.

  3. Think before you speak.

  4. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

  5. Don't cry over spilled milk.

  6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

  7. The pen is mighter than the sword.

  8. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

  9. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

 10. A watched pot doesn't boil.

 11. All that glitters is not gold.

 12. Where there's smoke, there's fire.

 13. Beggers can't be choosers.

 14. Too many cooks spoil the broth.

 15. Good deeds begin at home 

 16. Dead men tell no tales.

 17. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

 18. Beginner's luck.

 19. All work and no play makes John a dull boy.

 20. A rolling stone gathers no moss.

 21. He, who laughs last, laughs best.

 22. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 23. Sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.  The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.  “Ok Les give me the bottle opener.”

“I didn’t bring it,” says Les.  “I thought you packed it.”

Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, “Did you bring the bottle opener??”

Naturally Alan didn’t bring it.  So they’re stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.  Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it.  But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.

After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.  Twenty days pass and he still isn’t back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another five days and he still isn’t back, but a promise is a promise.

Finally they can’t take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts……..

“I KNEW IT’……I’M NOT GOING!”

Lazy Purple Dragon?  That’s my cousin Harold your talking about there pal!

Thanks to Joe for this one.  One of the sweetest things I’ve ever read.

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into His sixth day of working overtime.  An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen My spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart -- and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model?  That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this Creation that is so close to My own heart.  She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have Made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made Her tough.  You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the Woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a Tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief And her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of Everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can help to heal a broken heart.  Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning!

They bring joy and hope. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

However if there's one flaw in women, it is that they tend to forget their worth.

What is the difference between a hockey game and a High School reunion?

At a hockey game you see fast pucks.

HE SAID…..SHE SAID

He said… Want a quickie?
She said…As opposed to what? –

He said… I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said…You wear briefs, don’t you? –

He said… Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said…Not at all honey, I’d love you no matter who left you the money. –

She said…What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
He said… It’s not my fault…I ran out of money. –

He said… Since I first laid eyes on you, I’ve wanted to make love to you in the worst way.
She said…Well, you succeeded. –

He said… ‘If you only could learn to make me a proper meal, then we could manage without the cook. And if you cleaned the house, we could fire the maid as well.’
She said…’Darling, if you only could learn to satisfy me properly we could do without the gardener too’

“Harold is NOT just a lazy purple dragon!  Unbelievable!

There once was an proud Irishman named Pat, who went to heaven and saw St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter asked, “Who are you?” Pat replied, “My name is Pat, I’m an Irishman, born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade.” St. Peter said to Pat: “Yes, this is true! Here’s a little green cloud for you to drive around heaven in and here is a harp that, when you push this button here, will play ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ Enjoy it, Pat. Have a good time in heaven.”

Pat jumps on his little green cloud, punches the button, and heads out with a smile on his face and a song in his heart. He’s having a wonderful time in heaven, driving his little green cloud around. But on the third day, he’s driving down Expressway H-1 with the harp playing full blast when, all of a sudden, a Jewish man in a pink and white two-tone cloud with tail fins roars past him. And in the back of this cloud is an organ which is playing all sorts of celestial music. Pat makes a U-turn right in the middle of the Heaven Expressway and charges back to the Pearly Gates.

He says, “St. Peter, my name is Pat, I’m a proud Irishman. I was born on St. Patrick’s Day, died on St. Patrick’s Day, marching’ in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. I come up here to heaven and I get this tiny, insignificant little green cloud and this little harp that plays only one song, ‘When Irish Eyes Are Smiling.’ But, there’s a Jew over there. He’s got a big, beautiful pink and white two-tone cloud and a huge organ that plays all kinds of celestial music and I, Pat the Irishman, want to know why!” St. Peter stands up from his desk. He leans over and motions Pat the Irishman to come closer. Then he says: “Pat, shush! He’s the Boss’s Son!”

I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport . We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his breaks, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, “Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!” This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, “The Law of the Garbage Truck.”

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they’ll dump it on you. Don’t take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don’t take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life’s too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so…..

“Love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don’t. “

A Texas cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.

“Well, I can think of one thing,” the cowboy offered. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to ‘leave her alone,’ but they wouldn’t listen.

“‘I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, “Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the crap out of all of you!”

St. Peter was impressed, “When did this happen?”

“Just a couple minutes ago.”

While in the playground with his friend, Little Nate noticed that Rodney was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” asked Nate.

“Nope.” replied Rodney.

“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”.

Again Rodney says “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” asks Nate.

“No,” said Rodney. “I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were ‘doing the nasty’. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Nate was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Rodney’s new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, turned and said angrily. “What do you want now?” “I wanna watch,” Nate replied. Steve said, “Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

John F. Kennedy is the only U.S. president to receive a Purple Heart. Lieutenant Kennedy, who served in the Navy during World War II, injured his back when a Japanese destroyer collided with his patrol torpedo boat near the Solomon Islands. As his boat sank, Kennedy refused to let his injury stop him from towing a badly burned crew member to safety. In what is perhaps the most enduring image of his heroism in the South Pacific, Kennedy swam with the man’s life jacket strap clenched between his teeth for four to five hours before reaching an island and bringing the man safely to shore. He then, while injured, kept his men safe evading capture and led them off the island to safety all the while deplaying acts of courage without regard to his own personal well being.  Presedent John F. Kenneny’s actions of bravery, heroism and leadership earned him the respect and admaration of a nation and helped him win the prsedntcy in 1960.

On the other hand…..Joe Biden sniffed kids……

Q: How many Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It’s irrelevant; they still don’t know they’re in the dark!

And this is a surprise because…?

And again, why does this surprise anyone? 

Amy and Jamie are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time.  Amy is upset because she thinks her husband doesn’t find her attractive anymore.

“As I get older he doesn’t bother to look at me!” Amy cries.

“I’m so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day.” replies Jamie.

“Yes, but your husband’s an antique dealer!”

I LOVE that cartoon!!!

From what I’m told, this is the very first ever crossword puzzle.  Not sure if it’s true or not, but it is cool to think about.

Way too cool!!

Three Old Ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands. the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny

The second old lady nodded, adding that the onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, she demonstrated the size of the two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying. but I can remember the guy you are talking about.”

Three young neighborhood women, having coffee, were discussing their husbands.

One said, “My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren’t mine!”

The second says, ” Well, your not alone cuz I’m sure my husband is cheating on me also. Last month I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of tiny holes with my sewing needle and put it back in his wallet !”

The third woman fainted !

“Mom, you need to get out of the car.”

So, it’s Wednesday night and I’m getting ready to put this issue to bed, but I did want to let you know how Grief Group went today.  We talked about the holidays and how we were going to handle it.  I’m happy to say that everyone has plans for Thanksgiving and are taking steps to be with someone who cares…well, everyone except Izzy and I.  I’m going to be with the Whelpling and the Granddragonettes this Saturday and my dear daughter-in-law’s family, which should be … interesting.  And then the Saturday after Thanksgiving I’m going to be with my dear Mary’s family at which I’m going to make Lasagna Bob for the event.  But, for Thanksgiving Day itself it’s just going to be Izzy Dragon and me since we’ve not been invited anywhere. 

We’re going to start a new tradition this year.  Izzy is not a huge turkey fan and I’m not going to make a turkey just for me, so we’re going to have Thanksgiving Schnitzel.  It will be fun.  And it will just be the two of us and I guess that will be fine.  It will have to be.  And we will do our very best to ignore emotions and have a good day. 

So, that’s it for now, may God Bless you all with joy and happiness until we meet again.

Good Morning Campers,

What a day I’ve had already today.  It’s Saturday and let’s get to the apology first.  Let me start out by saying a HUGE thank you to Bob, who pointed this out to me in the comments section.  The article I posted in the last issue that I went on about the school that was racist and making special exception for black students for missing class, missing assignments, and misbehaving in class was a total fabrication on the part of the reporter who wrote it.  The school is, according to the school board member who brought it up, going to go through some, what they are calling, “equitable grading practices”.  Things like scoring an F at no lower than a 50% rather than a zero.  There was nothing in his presentation about dumbing down the curriculum or the three above mentioned points that everyone, including this dragon, got so upset about. 

And it seems this moron has a history of doing this repeatedly in this area.  Here’s a quote from the article that Bob sent me:

West Cook News is a product of Local Government Information Services (LGIS) and is one of about 30 conservative news sites covering various counties in Illinois. LGIS is overseen by Brian Timpone, a conservative businessman and TV journalist. Timpone, a former River Forest resident, also ran Journatic, an outlet that featured hyperlocal news stories and later gained national attention for plagiarism and for using fake bylines and quotes, according to Columbia Journal Review. 

And here is a link to the entire news article for any of you who are interested in reading it. https://www.oakpark.com/2022/06/03/oprf-responds-to-fake-news-story/

I should have taken the time to verify the article, but since it was a photograph of an actual news article, I felt like I could trust it.  Well, it WAS an actual news article.  Just written by a jerk who gives us conservatives a bad name.  I am truly sorry.

And then I got this … the complete and total opposite end of the spectrum … from Wouter who lives in the capital of South Africa and he is going to send me this!!!  You guys have to click on this and watch it.  https://9gag.com/gag/a1PdKA8?ref=wsa.mw 

It is truly amazing.  And this guy may very well grow up to be president or something equally as spectacular.  He definitely needs to be watched over, that’s for damn sure. 

Thanks to both Bob and Wouter, two very wonderful fellow campers, for two completely, yet similar reasons.  They are paying attention and sharing their wisdom with the rest of us, and that is truly what being a fellow traveler on this big blue marble is all about.

Maybe later I’ll tell you about my very short flight off my back steps in the snow this morning thanks to Willow Dragon.  Lots of blood and bruises, but no broken bones, thank God.  But for now, I think that’s enough and we should get started on the laughter.  It is Monday morning, after all and we need all the laughter we can get! 

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult.

It’s not.

Mine had me trained in two days.

Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may  freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone.  Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next 
to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of  wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

-------

Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.  Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with  Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with, “I think I’d throw up!”

Some of the ancient artwork that decorates the walls of our corporate headquarters.

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.

Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was ‘DOME’ and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

“Well, what does it mean?”, I asked.

She hesitated and then replied, “It’s two words.”

There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, “Have a nice day”.

A Texan friend of mine was on a business trip in China, browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member approached him.

“Excuse me, sir, are you American?”

“Why yes, yes I am.”

“What state are you from?”

“Texas,” my friend proudly exclaimed.

Disappointed, the clerk said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English.”

You know … I’ve done this before and I STILL screwed it up!

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. 
 

First Question: 
 
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? 







 
Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. 

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. 
 
Second Question: 
 
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? 








 
Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you? 
 
Third Question: 
 
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. 
 









Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right? 
 
Fourth Question: 
 
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? 
 









Answer: Nunu? 
 
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again 
 





Okay, now the bonus round: 
 
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. 
 
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? 
 









He just has to open his mouth and ask.

Marking our landing spot for … well, I can’t tell you what it’s for.  Never mind.  Forget I said anything.

Q:  What’s the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A:  Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

The phone rings, the woman answers.  A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

The woman replies, “Yes I do, he’s watching golf.  Who shall I say is calling?”

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes.  Problem is, he lives alone, so I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left.

Things to Ponder:

* What if my dog only brings the ball back because he thinks I like throwing it?
* If the poison expiration date is past does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?
* Which letter in “Scent” is silent?  Is it the S or the C?
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
* Why is W pronounced “double U” instead of “double V”?
* What if oxygen is killing you and it just takes 75 to 100 years to work?
* Every time you clean, you make something else dirty.
* 100 years ago, everyone had a horse, only the rich had a car.  Today, everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.  
* If you replace the “W” with a “T” in “What, Where and When”, you would have the answer to each one.
* If you rip a hole in a net, you have less holes than you started with.

From now on I’m putting on my resume that I was:

– Project Manager at Tower Records
– Regional Manager at Blockbuster
– Division Manager at KB Toy Store
– Executive Director of Toys R Us

Who’re they gonna call to verify?

The Itsy-Bitsy Paycheck just post to my account.

Down came the Bills and wiped the Money out.

Here’s another essay from Friggin’ Pete.  It’s a great one.  Thanks again Pete for your awesome inputs to this venue, you are deeply appreciated.

I want to add one thing.  The New York Times just printed an article questioning why certain branches of the military aren’t hitting their recruitment goals and suggesting that they should lower their standards in order to meet those goals.  And I heard screams of “NO!” echo across the country from all the veterans and military members out there who heard that.  Why is it that we are happy, as a country to keep lowering the bar to make things acceptable rather than teaching people to jump higher?  The NY Times would have us make it acceptable to lower our standards so that obesity and short people, weak people should be allowed to join.  That way when someone is wounded those lowered expectations people would be unable to carry them off the battlefield and we would end up leaving someone behind.
There are significant reasons why there are standards. 

Instead of electric cars, I think we should bring back the electric chair.  It would solve more problems.

Imagine if schools actually helped kids identify their strengths by exploring their talents from a young age and growing their skills over the 12 years instead of letting them all follow the same routine like sheep and leaving them confused in life after graduation.

So, if we don’t let athletes bet on games they have the ability to influence…

Why the hell do we allow Congress to invest in companies they regulate?!?!

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart…

It was simple really, Alison painted her nails red, and Bob had a beard. 

This next one is a great optical illusion …

If you don’t get it …

… look between the pillars.

In a society that has you counting money, pounds, calories, steps, and so many other things, be a rebel and count your “blessings” instead.

Considering how many adults act like children, maybe we should be more okay with kids acting like kids?

We don’t see things as they are.

We see things as we are.

Just a very short Last Word today.  I’d like to say something to everyone who wrote to me to say something to me about Veterans Day.  Mostly it was along the lines of “Thank you for your service” and to that I’d like to say “Thank you for your support” for all the current military members who are out there working it every day or, like my guys, every UTA weekend, while holding down a full-time job doing something else.  Your thanks and support are deeply appreciated, both for me and for all the rest of my fellow vets.  It means a lot. 

So, until we meet again, may your days be filled with love and happiness and may God Bless your lives. 

As I’m writing this on Friday, and remember, the election was held three days ago, we still don’t know who holds the senate or the congress.  It’s amazing to me that in our day and age we can hold an election and not know who won.  And it’s because of the stupid election laws in some states.  It’s an election day, not an election week or even month.  Vote early, that’s fine, but what’s with being able to count these mail in votes up to days after the polls close?  I thought that when the polls close, they close? But, it does at least look like it’s going to be a Republican win.

And then Biden, when asked what he plans to change when confronted with the obvious evidence that the people (us) are unhappy with the way things are going, he replied, “Nothing.”  He says that it takes time for his plans to come to fruition and that we’ll just to be patient and wait.

What in the world is wrong with that man?  

And a Federal Judge has come out and said that his giving away OUR money in student loan relief is illegal.  Now, we’ll see if something is done about it.

I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF THIS STUPID CRAP I COULD JUST SCREAM.

We need to move on to the laughter.  PLEASE!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.  The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.

…and THAT, my friends, pretty well sums up the media’s approach to the news these days…….

Visiting my sister for a few days in Chicago last fall, I decided to get her a thank you gift for staying there.

I visited a new shopping mall and approached a great looking gal in the women’s department.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for a gift for my sister,” I said eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in mine while lashing me a big devilish smile. “Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” I replied, “I think she also needs a bra and panties.”

“They’re giving away free light sabers at Guido’s Bazaar!  Come on!  Jump on!  Let’s go!”

When my daughter was about 6, my sister was baby sitting for the day.

My sister had a soap opera on the TV and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing.

My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, “your Mommy and Daddy kiss – they’re in love.”

My daughter’s rebuttal to that was “No they’re not – they’re married!”

Here’s a really good oldie but goodie.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain …

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Sven was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well.

“You have the job,” he was told, “just sign this paper.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“You’re supposed to sign your name.”

“That’s my mark,” Sven replied, “I cannot read or write.”

“What? We’re sorry to work here you have to be able to sign your name.”

Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, “Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“Your mark?” The mayor asked.

“Aih, I cannot read or write, so that’s my mark.”

“You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?” The mayor exclaimed. “Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!”

“Yes,” Sven said. “I could have been a church janitor.”

The design drawings for our new corporate headquarters.  If we can raise the funds.

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited. “Hi! I’m a zebra what are you?”

“I’m a cow,” said the cow.

“Right, what do you do?”

“I make milk for the farmer.”

“Cool.”

The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it, “Hi, I’m a zebra what are you?”

“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.

“Oh, right, what do you do?”

“I make eggs for the farmer.”

“Right – o, great, see ya round.”

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra what are you.”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”

“Take off your pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

The fellow stormed into the postmaster’s office in a fury.

“I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped.”

“Of course,” said the postmaster. “Sending threatening letters through the mail is a criminal offense. Do you know who’s sending them?”

“Yes,” shouted the man. “It’s those idiots down at the Internal Revenue.”

A fundamentalist preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, with a raised voice he finished, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down and revered silence filled the church.

O’Malley, the song leader who dozed off during the sermon, stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

Good advice, but do we really need a sign?

Friend:  I’m worried about you. 

Me:  [dunks Oreo in whiskey] Why??

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose wifi signal in my kitchen.

I laughed so hard at this one

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” Great. I’ll start later.

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, “What the Hell is wrong with you?

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, & 5.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.

I envy people who grow old gracefully.  They age like a fine wine. I’m aging like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I need someone to explain to me why it’s always, “if you can’t pay your rent, buy fewer lattes and avocado toasts” and not “if you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts, rockets, and spacecraft.”

Explain it to me like I’m in Kindergarten.

Love living in end stage capitalism where a parking spot makes more an hour than I do as an EMT.

This next one has to fall into the category of:

The “OPRF will order its teacher to exclude from their grading assessments variables it says disproportionally hurt the grades of black students.  They can no longer be docked for missing class, misbehaving in school or failing to turn in their assignments.”  So basically, the OPRF is So Racist that they are saying that blacks are so incredibly stupid that they can’t be expected to turn in assignments, behave in class, or even show up to class. How absolutely incredibly racist can you get?  When you make accommodations for a group of people like this, and saying things, LIKE THIS, you are saying that, as a group, because of the color of their skin, they are incapable of behaving like a respectable human being.  That is ridiculously racist.  Expectations for EVERYONE should be exactly the same.  Otherwise you are being racist toward and for somebody.  I sure as hell wouldn’t want someone to say or think that I was incapable of not showing up, of not being able to turn in assignments, or not being able to behave myself in class.  WHY DON’T YOU SUPPOSED PROFESSIONALS REALIZE THAT?  The military figured that out a long time ago.  At least until lately and the “feel good” morons started moving in and the whole thing started falling apart. 

Uh oh… I think he’s talking about me!  Impish Dragon is an EXTREME THREAT…

I just heard on TV that 38,000 American Veterans are homeless.  How is that possible?  That is unconscionable!  We should be ashamed of ourselves!

Looking around on line, I found that these are the favorite 9 charities for helping homeless vets:

• U.S. Veterans Initiative (U.S. Vets)
• National Coalition for Homeless Veterans
• The American Legion
• Disabled American Veterans
• Volunteers of America
• Veterans Inc.
• Easterseals
• Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America
• Operation Dignity

I am a member of The American Legion and have been for many years and I am giving a monthly donation to the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans.  It’s not much, but I figure if the Tunnels to Towers folks can do what they can do by asking folks for $11 from people than my little bit more than that a month has got to help out.  Every little bit helps.  The idea folks, is to help where ever you can, if you can, even if it’s just a little bit.

6 year-old [to her crying brother]:  It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.  

Me:  Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done.  Why is he crying?  

6 year-old:  I hit him.

2 year-old [eating his lunch]:  Papa’s coffee hot? 

Me:  Yeah baby, it’s hot, don’t touch. 

2 year-old:  Me blow on it for Papa?

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2 year-old attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it…

A fundamentalist preacher was completing a temperance sermon.  With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, with a raised voice he finished, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”  He sat down and revered silence filled the church.

O’Malley, the song leader who dozed off during the sermon, stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”

And that’s it.  I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who took the time to wish me a Happy Veteran’s Day and to Thank Me for My Service.  You are quite welcome and thank you for your support.  I hope I can continue to count on your support in the coming months and years.  To my fellow Vets out there, thank you to each and everyone of you.  And to all of you out there, May God Bless and keep you until we meet again.