So, I JUST finished Saturday’s episode and figured, since I had a little time before I have to go pick up the Izzy Monster, that I’d get a start on Monday’s issue. And since Mondays are usually full of issues on their own, this should be interesting.
Please, Please, PLEASE tell me this is a JOKE!!!! That the world can’t POSSIBLY be this FREAKING SICK!!!!!
Life is short. Make sure you spend as much time as possible on the Internet arguing with strangers about politics.
A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face.
The most expensive vehicle to operate, by far, is the Costco shopping cart.
“You couldn’t have drawn me with arms?! I can’t even scratch my own belly, here!”
80% of the men don’t know why their wife is angry.
You think the other 20% of men know? Wrong! They don’t even know their wife is angry!
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
On Christmas Eve, many Japanese go to KFC to enjoy a large portion of chicken wings. As most Japanese people are either Buddhists or Shintoists, they celebrate Christmas just for the fun of it.
I see where the Girl Scout Cookies are! Let’s GO!
5 by 5 rule If it’s not gonna matter in 5 years, don’t spend more than 5 minutes being upset by it.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you,
but don’t let a kiss fool you.
A kiss is just shopping upstairs
for downstairs merchandise.
It is better to lose a lover
than love a loser.
Man with a broken condom
is called a Daddy
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax,
doesn’t know if he’s coming or going.
A drunken man’s words
are a sober man’s thoughts.
Marriage is like a bank account.
You put it in, you take it out,and you lose interest.
Viagra is like Disneyland …
a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
It is much better to want the mate you do not have
than to have the mate you do not want.
A joke is like sex.
Neither is any good if you don’t get it.
Be grateful that no matter how much chocolate you eat, your earrings will still fit.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” She then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like, what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants. When you’re from Boston and you lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8:15 am class. 0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room. I emailed them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings. Two minutes later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.”
I don’t get nearly enough credit in life for the things I manage not to say.
“Dad, what did Mount Rushmore look like before it was carved?” “Well, Sweetie, its natural beauty was absolutely unpresidented.”
Okay, don’t laugh! We’ve all been there.
Been there — done that. Then been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.
“You’re not the boss of me,” I say as I let the dog in and out, 17 times in a row.
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.
I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail’s pace.
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
You know, you just can’t fix stupid.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
You say I’m messy. I say my things are arranged in an abstract manner intentionally as a part of my unquenchable thirst for creative expression.
Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.
I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower. But the image was too blurry. He has selfie steam issues.
I’ll let myself out.
The End. Fin. Complete. Until Next Time. One last thing. I just heard while watching the replay of the show Bob Hearts Abishola: “When you yell at someone to ‘Relax’ it doesn’t make it easy for them to relax.” And isn’t that the perfect motto for our world today? We have so many people running around and screaming and trying to relax and be happy and getting tense and upset because they are not relaxed and happy that it’s a self-defeating, never ending circle of despair. Which is why we need things like Dragon Laffs to help the world battle the nonsense that pervades everyone’s life and, if just for a little while, we can all just smile and laugh a little. So, with those thoughts in mind, may the Good Lord Bless us all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
Here I am, starting yet another issue late. You’d think, as full of issues as I am that starting one would be easy, right? But, nooooo! I’m running out of time, yet again for Saturday’s (today’s) issue. So, I’m going to jump right into the laughter part and see if I can add some of the Impish Dragon part later if there’s time.
10 jokes about marriage
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met each other. Marriage is like a rollercoaster: there are ups and downs, and sometimes you just want to get off. My wife said she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars. I said, “May divorce be with you.” Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade. My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down. Why did the husband bring a map to bed? Because his wife kept telling him he never listens. Marriage is like a game of chess. The queen has all the power and the king is the one who gets defeated. My wife and I have an agreement. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine. My wife told me he loves me more than anything in the world. I said, “I love you too. What about pizza?” She said, “Okay, fine. More than anything except pizza.” My wife and I have an agreement. I make all the big decisions, and she makes all the small ones. So far, there haven’t been any big decisions.
If you don’t get it … PICK UP A BOOK!!!
Sky TV have just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo.
Unfortunately it’s only available on Paper View……
True answer
Absolutely Marvelous!!
MEN BASHING
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? A. The bonds mature.
Q. Why are blonde jokes so short? A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A. We don’t know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,caring and good-looking? A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women? A. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A. They’re married.
That is the PERFECT answer!
That is SO COOL!!!
I get all kinds of gifts from fans!
Well, you gotta give her props for not wanting to give it up, but I wouldn’t want to sit next to her on the plane.
MURPHY’S LAWS OF MOVING
No matter how many boxes you have, you will always need one more.
The more your friends promise to help, the more likely it is they will have something come up the day you move.
Whatever you need is at the bottom of the box you taped shut ten minutes ago.
Now that you are moving and no longer need it, you will find the item you spent two years looking for.
The tape, the scissors, the markers, and the screwdriver are all familiar with the rules to Hide-And-Seek.
You will never break something cheap that you never liked anyway … only family heirlooms get broken during a move.
No matter how large the new place is, it will not have enough room once you begin to move in.
If you stay up all night packing for the movers, they will be late.
An old Wild West fort is about to be attacked. The wily old General sends for his trusty Indian Scout.
“Yumti-Bi,” he said, “you must use all your thirty years of skill in trying to estimate the sort of army we are up against here.”
Yumti-Bi layed down and put his ear to the ground… “Large Heap – war party,” he says, “maybe three hundred braves, four chiefs, two on black horses, two on white stallions. All have warpaint…many many guns. Medicine man also with them.”
“Good grief!” exclaims the General, “you can tell all of that just by listening to the ground???”
“No, General,” replied the Indian, “I can see under the gate…”
The first year student had just gotten a beat up old VW beetle from his parents.
He took it for a spin but misjudged the curve and overturned the car directly between the house of Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Mr. and Mrs. Balls
… luckily, he was pulled out by the Smiths
Izzy Dragon just checked the weather. It’s 80 degrees here right now. Beautiful afternoon. She’s going to walk to work. While she was on the weather app she checked for the rest of the weekend and when she came to Monday, she found out that we have a chance of … snow.
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME !!!!!
♪♫ “Standin’ on the corner, watchin’ all the boys go by…” ♫♪
Bob met Suzi in a nightclub.
They enjoyed each other’s company very much and at the end of the evening Suzi invited Bob to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.
Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.
After a short while, Suzi began tenderly stroking Bob’s manhood.
Surprised but appreciative, Bob comments, “Surely you can’t be ready for more?”
Suzi replies, “No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine… ”
Too weird
Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world, there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”
This is probably a true statement. Because I can’t think of a single morning in my life where I didn’t say one or the other of those two statements.
That is an awesomely beautiful picture.
Men and women have two distinct views about a wedding.
The husband to be wakes up in the morning, plays a round of golf and counts the minutes until he has to be at the altar.
The wife to be, on the other hand, wakes up in the morning and is panicking.
She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she is repeating what she has to do.
“All I have to do is go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him.”
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat…
AI is the next big thing and some very cool things using this new technology are coming out. But, of course, scammers wasted no time getting in on the game. This time, they are using AI to make it sound like you are talking to someone you know over the phone.
That’s what Ruth Card, a 73-year old grandma, thought when she heard the voice of her beloved grandson, Brandon, when she answered the phone. When he said he desperately needed bail money, she and her husband went straight to their bank.
The couple quickly took out $3,000 CAD, the maximum amount allowed, from their account. Then, went through the process again for more money. Luckily, the bank manager was trained to see when customers were being scammed. He approached them and told them he had seen another customer who had received the same phone call that sounded like a family member. The voice, they found out, had been a fake.
Card said, “We were sucked in. We were convinced that we were talking to Brandon.”
Others fell for the scam. The Washington Post told the story of Benjamin Perkin, 39-years-old, whose parents lost thousands to an AI voice clone. Perkin’s folks thought they were talking to a lawyer on the phone who relayed their son was involved in a car crash that killed a US diplomat and needed money for legal fees. They were even convinced they were talking to their own son when the lawyer pretended to let them speak to Perkin. The voice sounded exactly like him.
When the lawyer called them back and asked for $21,000 CAD in Bitcoin, they didn’t hesitate to go to their bank and complete the transaction.
Perkin said,
“The money’s gone. There’s no insurance. There’s no getting it back. It’s gone.”
The scam has been around for a few years. But with the rapid advancements and adoption of AI technology, the general law-abiding public will not often recognize when they are being fooled.
Professor of forensics at UC Berkeley, Hany Farid, told WaPo,
“Two years ago, even a year ago, you needed a lot of audio to clone a person’s voice.
Now if you have a Facebook page or if you’ve recorded a TikTok and your voice is in there for 30 seconds, people can clone your voice.”
Companies like ElevenLabs offer AI voice synthesis service that cost only $5 per month. Their results are so convincing, a journalist used it to break into his own bank account. Hopefully, we can also come up with the tools that can stop scammers from using it to steal money from innocent, and often elderly, victims.
I sat there waiting for my new doctor to make his way through the file that contained my very extensive medical history.
After he finished all 17 pages, he looked at me and said, “You look better in person than you do on paper.”
Sue: “My husband has the worst memory I ever heard of.”
Monica: “Forgets everything, eh?”
Sue: “No. Remembers everything.”
1911…Turkey disarms it’s citizens…shortly after 1.5 million Armenians are murdered.
1929…Russia disarms it’s citizens…over the next 24 years 20 million Russians are murdered.
1935…China disarms it’s citizens…between 1948 and 1952 20 million Chinese are murdered.
1938…Germany disarms it’s citizens…over the next seven years 6 million Jews are murdered.
1956…Cambodia disarms it’s citizens…1975 to 1977 one million people were murdered.
1964….Guatemala disarms it’s citizens…then goes on to murder 100,000 Mayans.
1970…Uganda disarms it’s citizens…over the next decade 300,000 Christians are murdered.
2012…Venezuela disarmed it’s citizens and right now we are seeing the results of that.
The Left is working tirelessly to disarm American Citizens…Why would they want to do that?
In the Air Force they were called “Holy Joes” because of all the holes they had in them. Ours had a lot more holes than the one in the picture.
Murphy’s Laws Of Computing
* When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen. Also known as the law of management
* When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it’s probably obsolete.
* The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it.
* When the going gets tough, upgrade.
* For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction. Also a law of mechanics.
* To err is human . . . To blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it is downright natural.
* If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer. Management again
* A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked perfectly. All other types of systems.
* The number one cause of computer problems? Computer solutions offered by family members.
No kidding!!!!
Old Pick-up lines
“What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like…where exactly are we again?”
“Do you smell that? That’s either love, or I used too much ointment this morning.”
“Yes, I’m 92… but I have the body of a 78-year-old.”
“WHO’S your granddaddy?”
“Your beautiful blue eyes are like limpid sapphire pools. Your blue hair, too.”
“Hey babe, looking for a good time? How’s about coming home with me and… Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z-Z.”
This is an old but a great old list! I laugh every time I see it, now for any of you who haven’t seen it before, you are in for a treat. For those of you who have seen it before, you’re in for a treat, too. Just one you’ve had before.
These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court” and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying straight-faced while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20. Very close to your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Every time we try to eat healthy, along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday or Tuesday and ruins it for us.
Smile…it will either warm their heart or piss them off–either way you win!
The older I get the tighter companies are putting the lids on jars.
I have terrible ideas if you need any.
I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get…well you know…Oreos.
I like the type of people whose sense of humor may be described as “inappropriate with a chance of ruining family dinner.”
And that is it my dear, dear friends, family, neighbors, and fellow campers. May God Bless you all with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
It is indeed a magical world. Filled with wonders beyond imagination. Stop what you’re doing right now.
Look at your own hand.
Bend your fingers down into a fist.
Watch the way each individual finger moves without you having to even think about it.
Now, uncurl your fingers and stretch them out tight and look at the little-bitty muscles and tendons controlling the little bones.
Think about how each of those muscles, tendons, bones, sinews, and everything else inside are all made up of individual cells that are completely replaced every seven years or so; all working together with no conscious thought from you; preprogramed to do a particular job twenty-four hours a day, three-hundred, sixty-five and a quarter days a year, for the entire lifespan of your body.
And there are some people that think we came from primordial sludge somewhere! Yeah, right!
We are glorious, magnificent creations!
Yes, I’m feeling a bit maudlin’ today. I had a deep discussion with a dear friend about being alone and lonely. I made mention that I have a lot of friends, but very few FRIENDS and told him that he knew exactly the difference of which I was speaking. But it has got me thinking and put me in a mood.
So, rather than stay in a mood …
Look at ME!” boasted the fit old man to a group of young people. “Every morning I do fifty push-ups, fifty sit-ups, and walk two miles. I’m fit as a fiddle! And you want to know why? I don’t smoke, I don’t drink, I don’t stay up late, and I don’t chase after women!” He smiled at them, teeth white, eyes glittering, “And tomorrow, I’m going to celebrate my 95th birthday!”
“Oh, really?” drawled one of the young onlookers, How?
This little essay comes to us from Joe in NJ
Just so everyone has a better understanding, I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport as professional lawn mower racing. Also, there would be a 100 percent decline in the annual number of deaths related to efforts to shoot beer cans off of heads.
Also, if women were in charge of all the world’s nations, there would be no war. I sincerely believe this — virtually no military conflicts, and if there were a military conflict, everyone involved would feel just awful and there would soon be a high-level exchange of thoughtful notes written on greeting cards with flowers on the front, followed by a Peace Luncheon (which would be salads, with the dressing on the side). So, I sincerely believe that women are wiser than men, with the exception of one key area, and that area is clothing sizes. In this particular area, women are insane.
When a man shops for clothes, his primary objective is to purchase clothes that fit on his particular body. A man will try on a pair of pants, and if those pants are too small, he’ll try on a larger pair, and when he finds a pair that fits, he buys them. Most men do not spend a lot of time fretting about the size of their pants. Many men wear jeans with the size printed right on the back label, so that if you’re standing behind a man in a supermarket line, you can read his waist and inseam size. A man could have, say, a 52-inch waist and a 30-inch inseam, and his label will proudly display this information, which is basically the same thing as having a sign that says: “Howdy! My rear is the size of a Federal Express truck!”
The situation is very different with women. When a woman shops for clothes, her primary objective is NOT to find clothes that fit her particular body. She would like for that to be the case, but her primary objective is to purchase clothes that are the size she wore when she was 19-years-old. This will be some arbitrary number such as “8” or “10.” Don’t ask me “8” or “10” of what; that question has baffled scientists for centuries. All I know is that if a woman was a size 8 at age 19, she wants to be a size 8 now, and if a size 8 outfit does not fit her, she will not move on to a larger size: She can’t! Her size is 8! So she will keep on trying on size 8 items, and unless they start fitting her, she will become extremely unhappy. She may take this unhappiness out on her husband, who is waiting patiently in the mall, perhaps browsing in the Sharper Image store, trying to think of how he could justify purchasing a pair of night-vision binoculars.
“Hi!” he’ll says, when his wife finds him, “You know how sometimes the electricity goes out at night and…”
“Am I fat?” she’ll ask, cutting him off.
This is a very bad situation for the man, because if he answers “yes,” she’ll be angry because he’s saying that she’s fat, and if he answers “no,” she’ll be angry because HE’S OBVIOUSLY LYING BECAUSE NONE OF THE SIZE 8’s FIT HER.
There is no escape for the husband. I think a lot of unexplained disappearances occur because guys in malls see their wives unsuccessfully trying on outfits, and they realize their lives will be easier if, before their wives come out and demand to know whether they’re fat, the guys just run off and join a UFO cult.
Here’s how you could get rich: Start a women’s clothing store called “SIZE 2,” in which all garments, including those that were originally intended to be restaurant awnings, had labels with the words “SIZE 2.” I’ll bet you’d sell clothes like crazy. You’d probably get rich, and you could retire, maybe take up some philanthropic activity to benefit humanity.
Thank you my good friend. I can safely say that I laughed like crazy, agreed with absolutely everything you said, and even threw in an Amen here and there. I can safely say this because my dear darling wife departed this world and is now in a much better place and will not blacken my eye until, I too reach Heaven and then my Heavenly body should heal fast enough that it shouldn’t be a big deal.
These could easily have been taken by Izzy Dragon, but you guys would have heard the screaming.
Murphy’s Love Laws
All the good ones are taken.
If the person isn’t taken, there’s a reason. (corr. to 1)
The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you.
Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant.
The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much you love them.
Money can’t buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position.
The best things in the world are free — and worth every penny of it.
Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction.
Nice guys(girls) finish last.
If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
Availability is a function of time. The minute you get interested is the minute they find someone else.
Lounging in the sun, a good glass of Jameson, smooth cigar…
A newcomer to Manchester Eng. arrives on a rainy day.
She gets up the next day and it’s raining.
It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.
She goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and, out of despair, asks, “Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?”
The boy replies, “How should I know? I’m only 6.”
The young bride’s mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter.
“Never let your husband see you in the nude,” she advised. “You should always wear something.”
“Yes, mother,” replied the obedient girl.
Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, “Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?”
“Not that I know of,” she answered. “Why?”
“Well, we’ve been married for two weeks now and every night you’ve worn that silly hat to bed.”
A traveling salesman, out on the road for two months, was beginning to feel lonely and horny.
He stopped in at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender what men did for fun around here.
The bartender told him to go to room at the top of the stairs and wait for Vanessa. He did.
Soon the door opened to reveal the most beautiful black woman he had ever seen.
“Hi, I’m Vanessa, and I’m $20,” she said. Much to his dismay the salesman had only $18, which he promptly offered. “Vanessa does not lower her standards for anyone,” she said. “I’ll send up Angela.”
A few minutes later a beautiful white woman appeared, took his money and treated him to a wonderful evening of sex.
Twenty-five years later, while on vacation, the salesman found himself in the same bar, talking to the same bartender. “Bet you don’t remember me,” he said.
“Sure I do,” replied the bartender. “You’re the guy that knocked up Angela 25 years ago. That’s your son at the end of the bar. He’s been in every night for ten years, hoping to meet his daddy.
The salesman went over to the boy and said, “Son, I think I may be your daddy.”
The boy said, “Great! What is my last name?”
“Bardowski,” the salesman said.
“Oh, no,” said the boy, “you mean that I waited ten years to find out that I’m Polish?”
“Hey, kid,” the salesman said, “it could’ve been worse. Two dollars more and you’da been black too!”
“Oh! Oh! I found them! I found them! The Girl Scout Cookies!”
Aphorism: a short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever observation.
1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. For example, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print; there’s no way you’re going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
18. Money can’t buy happiness, but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Lexus than in a Ford.
19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind, and the ones that mind don’t matter.
21. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
Timeless Wisdom
The problem we face today is because the people that work for a living are out numbered by those who vote for a living.
George Bernard Shaw (1856- 1950)
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
Nikita Khrushchev, Soviet Union politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”
I offered my opponents a deal: “if they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952.
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924 Olympic Games
I am reminded of a joke: What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That is solution!!!
I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two are lawyers and three or more are the government.
John Adams (1735 – 1826)
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Government. But then I repeat myself.
Mark Twain (1835- 1910)
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the Government and report the facts!
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)
I contend that for a nation to try and tax itself into prosperity, is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
Winston Churchill (1874 – 1965)
A Government which robs Peter to pay Paul, can always depend on the support of Paul!
Will Rogers (1879- 1935)
You Had One Job!
Goodman was a moderately successful stockbroker who dreamed of making the big money someday.
He took his friend out for a drive, and he chose the route carefully in order to impress on him the possibilities of the brokerage business.
“Look at that yacht,” he said as they drove slowly past a marina. “That 96′ beauty belongs to the senior partner at Merrill Lynch. That one over there 104′ is owned by the head of Goldman, Sachs. And look at that huge 210′ yacht out there. That’s the pride and joy of the top seller at Prudential-Bache.”
His friend Morris was silent. Goodman turned to look at him and saw a pained look on his face.
“What’s the matter?” Goodman asked.
“I was just wondering,” Morris said. “why aren’t there any customers’ yachts?”
Oh, I’m WAY older than that!
MURPHY’S LAWS ON WORK
Everything can be filed under miscellaneous.
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
No one gets sick on Wednesdays.
The longer the title, the less important the job.
Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.
Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.
Father: (at hospital looking through glass at newly arrived babies) “Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn’t she adorable?”
Friend: “But your kid didn’t smile.”
Father: “I was talking about the nurse!”
An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.
The waiting room was filled with patients.
As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, “YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replies, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.”
In the event of a Civil War, I’m not afraid of the 81 million Biden voters. Half are dead and don’t exist. And the rest don’t even know what gender they are.
19,000 BORDER AGENTS 175,000 IRS AGENTS
8 times as many agents to target American citizens than to target the drug cartels.
Morris a ninety-year old man lived in a retirement home and got a weekend pass.
He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy-year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.
As the evening progressed, Morris, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.
Two days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor.
After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.
The old man said, “Sure did!”
The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.
“Yes,…but why?”
“Well you’d better get over there… you’re about to cum.”
Ronald Regan: This was a Democrat fund raiser at a hotel and out side the hotel was a young boy trying to sell puppies. He was standing there with a box full of puppies saying, “Come buy a democrat puppy! Come buy a democrat puppy!”
Two weeks later the Republicans held a fund raiser in the same hotel and there was the same boy with the same box of puppies yelling, “Come buy a Republican puppy! Come buy a Republican puppy!”
Well, a reporter who happened to be there two weeks earlier and had seen the boy at both events asked him and said, “Hey kid, what gives? Two weeks ago you were selling those as Democrat Puppies, now they’re Republican puppies.”
The boy responded with, “Well, yeah. Cause now they have their eyes open.”
Moral Dilemma
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus….
An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral / ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.
– You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.
– Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
– However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered:
“I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital.
I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams..”
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”
HOWEVER, the correct answer is – ta da:
To run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
I don’t hold grudges. I hold memories that keep me better prepared for our next encounter.
And it’s sad how many of you youngsters are NOT going to get that.
Happy Easter! Which was actually yesterday, which means this issue should have gone out on Saturday, so I won’t go too far into the Easter thing today since it’s already passed. So, sorry I missed it. Hope you all had a wonderful day.
We had a truly marvelous Good Friday Service at church and since I’m writing this part on Saturday I’m going to postulate that we have a really good service on Easter Sunday. Our Pastor is a wonderful man who can preach a GREAT service. He speaks with the word of God and preaches from the Bible. I’m still on my first cup of coffee this morning so I’m not as eloquent as I normally am, but suffice it to say that it will be a GREAT service.
The picture in the header this morning is our jets parked at their temporary home while our runway is being redone over the summer. So, we are working out of two bases right now. Thankfully, my office hasn’t changed but the maintenance guys and the pilots have and they are having a difficult time splitting their time between the two bases.
I need to stop watching the news. But this Florida Sheriff, Billy Woods is speaking truth on Fox News. The Sheriff is from Marion County in Florida. Three minors killed three other minors and he is holding them accountable for their actions while the snowflakes are screaming that they are only children. Gang related stuff. He spoke quite well on TV. Blaming family and us for not holding these kids accountable in the past which has lead them to where they are now. Saying just because they don’t have a record, doesn’t mean that they haven’t done wrong things in their past. THIS guy would do well to run for a higher office.
Well, it’s time to start laughing, cause I’m tired of complaining and almost crying over the state of our country.
There was an athlete who wanted to accept a scholarship to a well-known college. To be awarded it, however, he had to pass a physical, since it was an athletic scholarship.
When Tim found out about the scholarship, he called his friends all to come over to his house to help him celebrate. They got plastered, and several of the friends had “donated” marjuana.
The next morning, realizing that he would be asked to provide a urine sample, he knew the marijuana would show up in it. He had a brainstorm!!
Calling his girlfriend on the phone, he said, “Hey, Patti — I need a favor. Can you give me a small jar of urine? I’ll need it for the physical tomorrow, and we kinda let things go here.”
Patti agreed, and within an hour, she came over, carrying a small mayo jar of yellow liquid.
Tim thanked her, and he proceeded to take the “sample” to the college physical with him the next day. When the doctor asked him for a sample, he went into the restroom, and poured the urine Patti had given him into the vial. All was fine — he thought!!
Two days later, the athletic director at the college called Tim, and said, “I’m afraid we have to withdraw the scholarship offer.”
“WHY?” asked Tim.
“We just cannot,” said the A.D., “have a pregnant man on our football team!”
This guy’s in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, “Ballroom please.”
A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”
Um…I have questions…
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a beer and a shot of whiskey.
A few minutes later the bartender hands her the order.
The Woman drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into her handbag.
She orders another round of the same, so the bartender takes her two glasses and refills them.
Once again, she drinks the beer and pours the shot of whiskey into her handbag.
The bartender says, “Look Miss, I don’t mean to bug you, but my curiosity is killing me. Why do you keep pouring the shots into your handbag?”
The woman says, “It’s none of your damn business! And if you be givin’ me a hard time, i’ll be breakin’ yer face!”
Suddenly a mouse pops his head out of her handbag and says, “And that goes for your frickin’ cat too.”
“It started off as a simple intervention. We were going to talk to Impish Dragon about his excessive Girl Scout cookie consumption. When he ended up breaking out of the chains we had designed especially for him, the poor village was completely destroyed.” ~ from The Village Destroyed by Father Don Pablo, 1419 BD
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her inner right thigh just below her bikini line.
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with “Merry Christmas” down on her inner left thigh.
So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your inner thighs?”
She says “I’m sick and tired of my man complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!”
I was 14 years old and yet, I still remember pretty much every single one of these and a good part of these are still on my music list.
A window cleaner goes to a monastery looking for work. The Abbot hires him but tells him to clean all the windows except the top three.
So the window cleaner cleans all the windows except the top three for years and years until curiosity finally gets the better of him.
He puts his ladder up against the first of the three windows and looks in. he sees 12 monks with their robes up and their cocks lying on a table with a mouse running around on top of the table.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder moves to the second window and looks in.
There he sees a beautiful woman and a monk in bed screwing like mad.
The window cleaner goes down the ladder and puts it up against the third window. He looks in and sees a monk tied up, stripped to the waist being flogged.
He climbs down the ladder, but when he gets to the bottom the Abbot is waiting for him. The window cleaner says, “Look, I know your going to fire me, but please, at least tell me what is going on up there.”
“Well,” says the Abbot, “in the first window you saw a competition to see which is the lucky monk.
Wherever the mouse stops is the lucky monk.
And in the second window you saw a monk with the prize.”
“But what about the third window?” the window cleaner asks.
“Well,” says the Abbot, “that monk was caught with a piece of cheese in his foreskin.”
Today I donated my watch, phone and $500 to a poor guy.
You don’t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.
“Okay, on three we’re going to make a run for it. The cookies should be right on the other side of that hill. Ready, one, two …”
This was sent in by Stephen B. Thanks, brother. It’s called: The World Is Falling Apart!
April 7 (Reuters) – An Indiana high school did not break the law by allegedly forcing a music teacher to quit after he refused on religious grounds to use transgender students’ preferred names, a U.S. appeals court ruled on Friday.
The rights of the teacher, John Kluge, to exercise his religious beliefs were outweighed by the potential disruption that his conduct could have on the learning environment at Brownsburg High School in the Indianapolis suburbs, the Chicago-based 7th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals said.
Kluge said his Christian religious beliefs barred him from complying with a school policy requiring faculty to use students’ preferred names and pronouns.
The school initially allowed Kluge to call students by their last names but reneged after receiving complaints from students and faculty, according to court filings. He said he resigned in 2018 after he was told he would be fired.
Kluge sued the school district in 2019, accusing it of violating a federal law that prohibits workplace discrimination based on religion. He was seeking to get his job back and unspecified money damages.
Kluge is represented by the Alliance Defending Freedom, a conservative Christian legal group. Rory Gray, a lawyer with the group, said he was evaluating Kluge’s options.
“The 7th Circuit’s ruling shows why the Supreme Court needs to fix the standard for accommodating religious employees,” Gray said in a statement.
Lawyers for the school did not respond to a request for comment.
Federal law only requires employers to accommodate workers’ religious beliefs if it would not cause them an undue hardship.
Kluge in his lawsuit argued that allowing him to call students by their last names would not create a burden for the school.
The 7th Circuit on Friday disagreed, upholding an Indiana federal judge’s ruling that dismissed the case.
“Kluge’s last-names-only practice stigmatized the transgender students and caused them demonstrable emotional harm,” Circuit Judge Ilana Rovner wrote for the court. (Watch out Military Organizations – You may be next! – MY Drill Instructor never called me Stephen.) (Stephen wanted us to know that this comment did not mean he was transgender. I assured him that none of us would take it that way. LOL! And my T.I., what they called D.I.s in the Air Force, never called me Bob. In fact, what he DID call me probably can’t be printed in a family magazine.)
In a dissenting opinion, Circuit Judge Michael Brennan said it was unclear whether the school could have mitigated any disruptions resulting from Kluge’s conduct, and that a jury should decide whether his rights were violated.
Reporting by Daniel Wiessner in Albany, New York, Editing by Alexia Garamfalvi, Rosalba O’Brien and David Gregorio
I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…
I really need to wash some cups.
The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would ever find it.
If you can’t find the cat, which doesn’t look anything like the picture in the words, I’ll put the answer at the end.
No kidding! WHY!?
I have my very own built in alarm clock. It’s called a Bladder and it does NOT have a snooze button.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
Actually, the answer is coming right up…
…and here’s your answer:
And I guess while I’m giving away answers, here’s the answer to the CAT puzzle
Doctor: So, you’re telling me that you have a problem with one our your ears. Are you sure?
Me: Yes doctor, I’m definite.
How many of you remember when K-Mart had a family cafeteria? And had those kinds of prices?
Why am I not surprised?
Now you know what the founding fathers meant by “Enemies foreign and DOMESTIC.”
If you can fire 75% of Twitter’s workforce and it works better, imagine what you could do to the Federal Government.
So, by that logic, you could get rid of 3/4 of say the staff at your local restaurant and it will work better? Or your doctor’s office? No? So what makes you think it will work for the Government? What a stupid thing to say. That’s just a dumb thing to say to say something dumb.
Deep Thought of Today:
When you clean out a vacuum cleaner — YOU become a vacuum cleaner.
Remember me in your prayers like you do in your gossip.
Do you ever get the urge to start organizing and then 2 hours later you’re just looking around at a mess like… what the hell have I done?
And that’s it my friends. May your day be blessed with Love and Happiness until we meet again.
So the Mario Movie is now out. Izzy and I have to go see it!
I just got back from my follow up appointment with the urologist. And I guess I’m doing well enough that he doesn’t want to see me for a year. So THAT’s a good thing.
The OTHER movie that’s out that at least I have to see is Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves.
The problem is trying to coordinate schedules to make it all work out. Izzy and I only have one assured day off together … and it just so happens that’s one of the two days that’s the theater is closed.
Well, let’s go ahead and laugh then, it’s the only thing we have left!
Nicholas Winton helped 669 Jewish children escape the Nazis. His efforts went unrecognized for 50 years. Then in 1988, while sitting as a member of a TV audience, he suddenly found himself surrounded by the kids he had rescued, who were now adults.
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother. Anon.
On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”
Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did.”
Julie nodded, and noted, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”
“Aww, but Mom! All my friends are flying off into the sunset! Why can’t I?!”
A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St.Peter aside and asked him if it was possible for them to be married.
“I’m afraid you’ll have to wait,” St.Peter replied. “Check back after five years time, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it.”
Five years passed and the couple came back to see St.Peter. Repeating their request,
St.Peter replied,”Sorry, you must wait another five years.”
Fortunately after the wait, St.Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple were very happy, but later they realized that they had made a mistake.
They went to see St.Peter, this time to ask for a divorce.
“WHAT!?” St.Peter asked. “It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, Now you want us to find a ‘lawyer’?”.
A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She sobs, “Robert doesn’t appreciate what I do for him.”
“Now, now,” her mother comforted, “I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.”
“No, mother,” the young woman laments. “I bought a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the price.”
“Well, that is being miserly,” the mother agreed, “Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.”
“No, mother it wasn’t the price of the turkey roll, it was the airplane ticket.”
“Airplane ticket…. What did you need an airplane ticket for?”
“Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the back and it said, ‘PREPARE FROM A FROZEN STATE,’ so I flew to Alaska.”
Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they’d leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.
“This I’ve got to see,” I thought.
They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
“No, I don’t care if all the other kids are flying off into the sunset, you are all too young right now.”
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now? In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself.
When the husband awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in the head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She s aid, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in. And there he also met the mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.” The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY times in a row?” Finally, she said, “Enough Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.” Then the young son asked, “Wait, how do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
This next one is from Susan who says:
You probably have seen this but I had to share just in case you hadn’t. I thought it might bring a giggle and who couldn’t use more of those!
Take care and thanks for all the laughs you bring each week. S
No kidding! I can hear that picture all the way over here! And it’s LOUD!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Beer and women.”
Murphy’s Technology Laws
You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.
Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he’ll have to touch to be sure.
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
All’s well that ends.
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
New systems generate new problems.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
We don’t know one millionth of one percent about anything.
Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.
The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.
Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day’s work.
Some people manage by the book, even though they don’t know who wrote the book or even what book.
The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.
To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.
After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.
Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.
If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a “Pearl Harbor File.”
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.
If you can’t understand it, it is intuitively obvious.
The more cordial the buyer’s secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.
In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.
Fill what’s empty. Empty what’s full. And scratch where it itches.
All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.
The only perfect science is hind-sight.
Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.
If it’s not in the computer, it doesn’t exist.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Everything that goes up must come down. (Except the landing gear)
Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.
Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.
Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.
The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.
Any attempt to print Murphy’s laws will jam the printer.
A new, inexperienced waitress said she was concerned about being able to carry the heavy trays and serve from them. A co-worker explained that there were tray stands placed throughout the restaurant.
The nervous beginner served all her lunches successfully and afterward asked an elderly couple if everything had been all right.
“It was fine, dear,” replied the man, “but my wife and I have to leave now. Could she please have her walker back?”
An old snake goes to see his Doctor. “Doc, I need something for my eyes, I can’t see very well these days.”
The doctor fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he’s very depressed.
The doctor says, “What’s the problem? Didn’t the glasses help you?”
“The glasses are fine doc, but I just discovered I’ve been living with a water hose the past 2 years!”
This could definitely be here in Indiana.
Kind of odd how liberals think that every post, tweet, and meme needs to fact checked for truth and honesty but…
NOT THE BALLOT BOX!
There are close to 50 Nuclear Weapons that are known to be missing.
As someone who used to (and to a much different degree still does) do this for a living, my official response is, “Yeah, so?”
Had a buddy of mine send me a thing about Home Depot no longer having a Veteran’s Discount. And before I posted anything about it here, I thought I’d check it out on line and make sure it was true or still valid and what I found out was very disappointing. Home Depot has a Veteran’s Discount … sort of. They might as well not have. They make it so difficult it might as well not even be there and then it’s so miniscule, it’s virtually worthless. First of all you have to go on line to register, prove that you are a veteran. I’m not sure how you have to do that, but it’s not like showing up at the register with your purchase and showing an ID or a retired ID and getting 10% off. Like it should be. Like it is at other places. No, you have to jump through a bunch of STUPID hoops first. Okay, so let’s say you go ahead and do that. Then you are limited to $400 a year. Well, that cuts out most major appliance purchases or major home renovations. So you are jumping through your butt to save a lousy forty bucks a year. THAT’S what this major corporation believes your putting your life on the line for them is worth. Thanks but no thanks.
When everything went to hell in Florida after Hurricane lan, I didn’t see a lot of Priuses, windmills or social justice warriors coming to save the day. I saw diesel trucks, combustion generators, heavy tractors, fuel tankers and a whole lotta bearded good ol’ boys putting some of that “toxic masculinity’ to work saving lives and rebuilding society. God bless the backbone of America: the hardworking men and women of the middle class!!
Do you know about the teenager who came down from her 2nd floor room to meet her date, wearing a see-through blouse.
Grandmother was sitting in the living room and berated the girl that it was indecent to go out like that.
The girl replied that Grandma should “get with it. Nowadays girls like to show off their ‘rosebuds'”, and went off on her date.
The next night, same scenario, but this time grandma was sitting in the living room with nothing on from the waste up. The teenager, yelled, “Oh, Grandma, you can’t sit there like that! My date is coming!”
To which Grandma replied, “Get with it, Honey. If you girls can show off your ‘rosebuds’, I can show off my ‘hanging baskets'”
Michael: “I think that the cute little pharmacist down at the chemist is stuck up.”
Roy: “Why do you say that?”
Michael: “Well, I ask her out every month when I go in to get my herpes and hemorrhoid medicines, but she just looks at me like I’m a leper or something.”
And that’s it for today my friends. I hope you had near the fun that I had putting this together. May the Good Lord Bless us all with Love and Happiness until we can meet again.
Dragon Laffs 