Dragon Laffs #2097

Tomorrow is the day!  Get your butt out there and

As Robert Heinlein once said, and I’m paraphrasing here, there may not be anyone you want to vote for, but there most certainly is someone is you want to vote against.  Get out there and vote!  That’s tomorrow and it’s important.

I was going to tell you all about the “Getting Through The Holidays” special Grief Group thingy that I went through Saturday morning, but in all honesty, it was pretty damn hard.  I spent most of the day yesterday with tears in my eyes and spent most of the day today, Sunday sick to my stomach.  So, I think I’m going to pass on that, at least for now.  So, in the meantime 

A man goes into a little neighborhood pub, and when he sits down, he notices a beautiful woman sitting at the other end of the bar. 

He waves to her, and much to his surprise, she winks back at him. It doesn’t take long before he is on the stool next to her. 

They talk for about fifteen minutes and then the man says to the woman, “You’re really hot!” 

You’re pretty cute, too,” she says to him. “I’ll tell you what. I live just around the corner. What do you think about coming up to my place?” 

It sounds great!” the man eagerly replies. 

“Before we go up there though”, the woman says, “I have to ask you one question: Do you like doing it Greek style?” 

“Well…uh…I’m not exactly sure what that is, man answers, “but it sure sounds interesting and I’m willing to learn! Let’s go!” 

So the two of them walk over to her apartment. 

As soon as they get inside the door, the woman rips off all her clothes. The man can’t believe his eyes. The woman has an incredibly beautiful body. 

“Now, you’re *sure*,” the woman asks, “that you want to do it Greek style?” 

“Definitely!” the man replies. 

“All right, then,” says the woman. “Take off all your clothes, and get up on the bed on yours hands and knees.” 

“Sounds like fun!” the man exclaims. He leaps out of his clothes and climbs onto the bed on his hands and knees. The woman goes around and gets onto the bed right in front of the man. 

She kneels down in front of his head. She asks him again, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?” 

“Yeah! Yeah!” says the man. 

The woman grabs the man with her arms right under his armpits, getting him in a lock hold. He can’t move at all, and his head is pressing right into her chest. One more time she says, “Are you sure that you want to do it Greek style?” 

The man’s muffled voice can barely be heard from between her breasts. 

“Yeah!” he mumbles, “Greek style!” 

The woman’s grip on him tightens like a vice, and she yells out, “GUS!” 

1. Part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. MapQuest needs to start their directions at step 5, because I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection … again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word, and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

“Okay, so here’s the plan.  At nightfall, we attack the castle.  Dragon, you have the ground attack.  George, you attack from the air.  No.  Wait.  Reverse that.”

I’m starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD.  I don’t have it.  I’m just hoping they’ll take one look and start cleaning on their own.

If I were a ghost, I would go into homes of people with OCD and tilt all the pictures on their walls…

I know it’s time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it’s a second passenger who’s not wearing their seatbelt.

My car does that with my cellphone and sometimes my tablet, but not my backpack … and I can’t figure that one out at all?

I got nothing.  But, it is a cool picture.

Next time you’re feeling down, remember life is all about perspective.  I have a friend who has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises twice a day, reads two books a week yet every day he complains about how much he hates prison.

Cop:  Do you mind identifying the body [puts hand on my shoulder] I have to warn you the body was hacked up. 

Me:  [tearing up] Yes, that’s my brother Reese. 

Cop:  You’re sure? 

Me:  [nodding] Those are Reese’s Pieces.

A co-worker said to me, “Could you be any more annoying?”

So the next day I wore Tap Shoes to work.

Apparently, it’s rude to poke someone in the forehead and say, “Skip Intro” when they start talking to you.

But fantastically funny.

Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter nonsense.

I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling…

All she gave up was sex.

I am absolutely speechless.  I used to think that there was a kink for everyone out there somewhere, but whoever it was who came up with this one … wrong, in so very many ways.  WRONG!

Bill Clinton paid Paula Jones $850,000 after he assaulted her, does anyone remember the FBI raiding his attorney?  Neither do I.

I’m sick of my tax dollars being wasted digging up dirt on Trump while the evidence is blatantly clear against Hillary and Obama.

And Hunter and “The Big Guy” and …

A gun is like a parachute.  If you need one, and don’t have one, you’ll never need one again.

Wrong, I tell you. WRONG!

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. 

I wasn’t aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.

“This is our prison quartet,” he said, “behind a few bars and always looking for the key.”

I saw 6/6/66, 7/7/77, 8/8/88, 9/9/99, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, 12/12/12, and now all the way to 2/22/22 … do you know what that means?!?!

Damn, I’m old!

Tomorrow is Jamaican Hairstyle Day…

I’m dreading it!

Apparently, it’s only appropriate to say, “Look at you!  You got so big!” to children.  Adults tend to get offended.

And that’s it for today.  I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing.  Until next time.

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5 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2097

  1. Bob Mink says:

    U R just a kid if U were hatched in 66. Had been in the AF 16 years when U were born. I am retired AF. retired everything now, born in 33. Lost my wife 14 years ago, miss her every day. Still tell her good night before going to bed.

  2. Marsha Mastrangelo says:

    They no longer teach cursive in schools so teach it to your grandchildren. You can leave them notes in code writing. No one else can read it. Also they might put all these important documents or letters written in cursive on computers…hell of a job and no one else can do it…think ahead.

  3. Leah D says:

    I told my sister, “Here’s a hundred to chip in on this year’s turkey!”

  4. Dale Applebaugh says:

    I lost my husband almost 14 yrs. ago….and still miss him every day. You never really get over it but just go with the flow to get thru the day.

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