Tomorrow is Veteran’s Day.  A day set aside for us to recognize the contributions that men and women have made in the service to our country.  I don’t care if you served for a month or for thirty years or more, the fact that you raised your hand and said that you would put YOUR life on the line before others, is enough for the rest of us to say thank you.

“I, ____________________, do solemnly swear (or affirm) that I will support and defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same; and that I will obey the orders of the President of the United States and the orders of the officers appointed over me, according to regulations and the Uniform Code of Military Justice. So help me God.”

There really isn’t that much to it. 

But, it goes so very, very deep to those of us who have taken it. 

And you’ll also notice, that there is nothing in there, like there is in a marriage vow, about, it expiring.  Like, “till death do us part” or “until my enlistment is up” or anything like that.  My first oath occurred on 17 June 1977 and it hasn’t expired yet.  And it won’t.  As far as I’m concerned, until God releases me from that vow (notice the very last line) it will remain in effect.  Even beyond my last dying breath. 

And there’s a lot of us old-timers who feel exactly the same way. 

Is it any wonder that we see what’s going on in this beautiful country of ours and it makes our blood boil?  “against all enemies foreign and domestic.”  There’s an awful lot of domestic enemies out there right now.

But tomorrow is a day to thank those men and women.  So, take a moment to find a vet and thank them for their service.  They will appreciate it.  I guarantee it.  So, let’s get on with the rest of this issue, shall we?

This next one was sent in by…

Hi Friends,

Just found this excellent tip in a 1985 Home Mechanix magazine. I’m sure this will be useful for all of you.

       …Joe

TOMBSTONE SAYINGS 

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn't like Mr. Wood: 

In Memory of Beza Wood 
Departed this life 
Nov. 2, 1837 
Aged 45 yrs. 

Here lies one Wood 
Enclosed in wood 
One Wood 
Within another. 
The outer wood 
Is very good: 
We cannot praise 
The other. 

Yes, I know it was an oldie, but it’s still pretty darn funny!

That’s just too damn weird.

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location.

“It’s only a stone’s throw from the beach,” he was told.

“But how will I recognize it?” asked the man.

Came the reply: “It’s the one with all the broken windows.”

It’s actually Memorial Day when we honor those who have given their lives, but that’s okay, the thought still counts.  But remember this one …

And here’s another oldie, but goodie…

Many years ago, in the south pacific, there was a small island kingdom that was ruled by a kind and benevolent King.

Each year, on the King’s birthday, the residents of the island gave the King a new throne as token of their love and respect for him.

Each year, the King would put last years gift up in the attic of his small house.

After many years of ruling the island, the weight of the large number of birthday presents stored up in the attic became too heavy and caused the house to collapse down on the King.

Moral to the story is: People who live in grass houses, shouldn’t stow thrones. 

That’s what Izzy Dragon said.

I always like to play with my dinner a little first…

Very well said.  Amen.

Letter to the Master of the House 
To: Master of the House 
From: Dog 
Subject: Cat 

Master: 
The cat is despicable. She doesn’t do any tricks and never comes when you call and I’ve been there and I know she can hear you. We need to face facts: It’s time to get rid of the cat. 

Before the cat’s arrival, meals were very festive times. I would sit and stare attentively at your lips, trembling slightly and drooling. You would play the game of pretending to be cross and demand that I leave the area, but whenever you cooked dinner your children would slip me food under the table. Now, though, the cat is allowed to jump on the table – actually physically walk on the table! You don’t yell at the cat, you just pick her up and put her back on the floor, and I know you don’t see it, but she always gives me a haughty look as she walks past me. 

And speaking of meals, I have always been satisfied to eat the gritty pellets of meat byproducts you bring home in the giant bags, right? 

Have I ever once, ever, failed to finish a meal? But now I find out that the cat is being served lobster and salmon and crab – and she never consumes all of it! This means there are little containers of delectable snacks lying around and how can I be blamed for making sure they get eaten? Why do you get so mad? As long as the pet food is going to the pets, isn’t that what’s important? 

Then there’s play time. I think we can clearly see that I am a big dog, descended from a noble line of hunters accustomed to chasing prey and attacking it. Haven’t I nearly managed to take down a few cars as they’ve driven past the house? The cat is about the size of a squirrel and in my view should behave like one, but when I attempt to chase her, she hunches up and spits at me! This can’t be sanitary. And shouldn’t she be de-clawed? I’m very concerned about the potential for damage to the furniture and my nose. 

Speaking of sanitation, do you realize that the cat goes to the bathroom in the house? And not in the drinking basins like you do, but in a sandbox in the basement. What are we going to say if some woman brings her baby over to play in the sandbox and the cat has been using it as a toilet? I used to police the thing for you, but you put it up out of my reach for some reason. I’m not the only one who believes the cat is an evil person. Here’s a note from the hamster: 

_____________________________ 

To: Master of the house 
From: Hamster 
Subject: Cat 

Please tell cat to stop staring at me while I work. 

Signed, Hamster, Department of Rodent Wheels 

______________________________ 

I also tried to get a note from the fish, but apparently it believes that everything happening outside its bowl is some kind of reality-TV show. 

I don’t understand why the cat is allowed up on the bed and I’m not. I am far more cuddly than any stupid cat. I think her purring sounds unhealthy and may be a sign of tuberculosis. And why doesn’t she ever get a bath? She smells like saliva from licking her paws – you’d never catch me licking such ridiculous places. I often smell wonderful from rolling in road kill, yet you give me baths all the time! 

And speaking of sleeping, sometimes I’ll be taking a nap and she’ll come right up and lie down beside me. Usually I’m too tired to do anything about it, but then later the other dogs smell her on me and crack a lot of jokes at my expense. So, not to exaggerate, but the cat has brought the family to complete ruin. I’m sorry I have to be the one to bring it to your attention, but now that I have, I think we can all agree that we should go back to the way it was, when I was the No. 1 pet. 

Yours truly, 

The Dog 

Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas,” Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. “It’s the best Christmas present I ever got.” 

“That’s great,” said his uncle. “Do you know how to play it?” 

“Oh, I don’t play it,” Little Johnny said. “My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.” 

Some Guardian Angels are just like that.  Others, not so much.

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him. 

There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again.. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bartender never knew what he said.. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly drawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead… 

At the cowboys hearing the judge the judge asked the cowboy. “Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead. 

“Well, The cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad” ” What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him?” Asked the Judge. 

“Well, answered the cowboy, “three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass… “

A group of cowboys were out on the range branding some cattle. 

While they were away the new cook saw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that night’s dinner he slaughtered the sheep, and cooked it. 

That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking and ignoring the cook. 

He pulled one aside and asked, …”Did I screw up the cooking” 

“No”, the cowboy replied, “You cooked up the screwing.” 

A guy and a girl are lying in a bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests. The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, “Man oh Man, I finally did it! I’m no longer a virgin.” 

The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, “Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?” 

“Well,” the guy explains, “I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity.” 

Astounded, the girl replies, “So you really love me?” 

“Oh God no!” the guy says. “I just got sick of waiting.” 

Today’s Engineering Lesson:

You may not understand this unless you have studied physics.  Here’s the math:

Here’s the explanation:

Here’s the illustration:

And here’s the practical demonstration:

And that’s your Physics Lesson for Today

And thanks to Stephen B. for today’s Physics Lesson.

When told the reason for daylight saving time the old Indian said:
‘Only a white man would believe that you could cut a foot off the top of a blanket and sew it to the bottom of a blanket and have a longer blanket.’

Changes

Boudreaux suddenly quit drinking, took a bath, quit chasing women, quit his poker games and quit lying around.

He started cutting the grass around the church, even painted it and was faithful to be first to attend on Sundays!

Father Thibodeaux asked him what about dis wonderful change dat had done overtook him.

Boudreaux explained, “I heard ‘Crisis in da Gulf’ and if He’s dat close, I wanna to be good to go!”

We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

Oh HELL NO!

So Let Me Get This Straight…

I got to the grocery store and buy:
A pound of sliced ham wrapped in plastic;
A loaf of bread in a plastic bag;
A pack of napkins wrapped in plastic;
A ready-made salad in a plastic container;
A plastic bottle of mustard;
And a plastic bottle of ketchup;

But they won’t give me a plastic bag to carry it home, because the plastic bag is bad for the environment?

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.

And stupid.  We should be scared shitless of stupid.

Got this one on the comments section and figured it would be easier to answer it here … cause it’s kinda confusing:

Bob, trying to figure out how I gave you the impression I was hatched in 66.  Maybe you did the math when I told you about my total government service or something.  That’s off by 8 years.  My egg cracked open in 58, which means you were only in the Air Force for 6 years when I was born.  Still quite impressive at that.  I’m going to be 64 this December, which makes you in the vicinity of … much older than me.  
My deepest and sincerest condolences on the loss of your dear wife, and … well, I understand completely about all of it, sir.  It is truly one of those that, if you haven’t experienced it, you can you can sympathize but never truly empathize. 
And on another note, thank you for your service, brother.  There’s always the desire when two (or more) fellow service members get together to do the where were you when type questions to see if you ever trod the same chunk of flightline as someone else.
And to all my fellow veterans out there either current or otherwise, thank each and everyone of you for your service.  What you have done or are doing is important, it matters, it means something.  It is not something that everyone can do.  It is prejudicial and exclusive.  We don’t take just anybody off the street.  And if that hurts the feelings of the trans and the gender confused and others, well then I’m sorry … no I’m not.
I’m really not.
My life, my buddy’s life, YOUR life, and possible the lives of all my friends, family and loved ones back home depend on the fact that I need the most reliable, capable, disciplined, unflinching, toughest, meanest, dedicated, intelligent, loyal, honest person out there.  If you don’t measure up, then we don’t want you.  It has nothing to do with the color of your skin or whether your a man or a woman.  But, don’t expect to get a break because your a woman or a minority or any of the gazzillion other things that people seem to get wrapped up about lately.  That’s nonsense.  Are the bullets going to magically stay away from you or the equipment you have to lug around weigh less or the decisions you have to make or any of the other myriad of things that go into the job change because of your race or your gender or anything else?
No.
Of course not.
So, race and gender and all that nonsense have absolutely NOTHING to do with it.
Only ability.  You either have the ability or you don’t.
But, no breaks given either way.
Okay, that went way tangentially from where I started.  So, let’s get back to the fun stuff.   

“I thought I told you to keep an eye on your cousin,” the mother said. “Where is he?”

“Well,” her son replied thoughtfully, “if he knows as much about canoeing as he thinks he does, he’s out canoeing. If he knows as little as I think he does, he’s out swimming.”

An angry motorist went back to a garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier. 

“Listen”, the motorist grumbled to the owner of the garage, “when I bought this  battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. Well guess what? It died after only six months!” 

“Geez, I’m sorry”, apologized the garage owner. 

“I didn’t think your car would last any longer than that.” 

And that is it my friends.  May your day be filled with love and happiness, until we meet again.