Good Saturday Morning.  Yesterday was Mary’s Birthday.  Happy Birthday my truest love.  I love you and miss you, but know you are in total joy and bliss.  I can’t wait to see you again,  Now, true in advertising, I’m writing this on Thursday night.  IF you are reading this, then odds are that I made it through Friday alright.  From the front end on Thursday, I’m already teary-eyed and upset.  It’s late and I don’t want to go to bed because then I have to go to sleep.  If I go to sleep then I have to wake up.  And if I wake up then it will be Friday and Friday is Mary’s birthday.  She would have been 55 years old.  

I really thought it would’ve been easier this year.  

Anyway, here’s to hoping you guys are reading this on Saturday.  In the meantime, let’s get some laughs going.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing, when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness Monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid air, a booming voice came down from the clouds, “I thought you didn’t believe in Me?”

“Come on, God, give me a break!” the man pleaded. “Two minutes ago, I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!”

As the bus pulled away, I realized I had left my handbag under the seat.

Later I called the company and was relieved that the driver had found my bag. When I went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded me.

One man handed me my purse, two typewritten pages and a box containing the contents of my handbag. “We’re required to inventory lost wallets and hanbags,” he explained.

“I think you’ll find everything there.” As I started to put my belongings back into the bag, the man continued, “I hope you don’t mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse. And we’d like to see just how you do it.”

I took my 4 year-old son Josh, out to McDonald’s for dinner one evening for a “guy night”.

As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh asked “Daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?”

I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.

He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep thought.

Finally, Josh looked up and said, “Dad, if we go home and plant these seeds in our backyard, we will have enough hamburgers to last forever.”

It sounds silly, but I’ve actually had it happen to me.  That exact same issue.  My check bag was two pounds over weight.  I had to take two pounds worth of stuff out and put it on my carry-on.

“You little witch!  You come back here right now!  Those are MY GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!!”

I couldn’t have said it better myself.  You have zero credibility buddy.

Mine has a much angrier attitude…

It’s always the darn Bobs of the world that cause all the problems!

Have you guys seen “Jesus Revolution”?  I saw it last week.  I can’t remember if I told you guys about it or not.  Great movie.  I really enjoyed it.  I laughed, I cried.  It was fun.  In that vein, there is a real, live Jesus Revolution going on in our country right now.  It’s not very large or strong, but it is happening.  It’s growing and getting stronger.  Here’s another example:

New Reports of Revival, 21 Baptisms at Purdue – Evangelist Chastises Critics, ‘God Is Moving, It’s Just Starting’

As the flames of the Holy Spirit continue to spread across the nation, there are new reports of young people answering the gospel’s call. And one noted evangelist says he believes “it’s just starting.”

As CBN News reported, it all started as a spark on the campus of Asbury University, where thousands of Christians gathered for two weeks of Spirit-led worship, prayer, and repentance.  The outpouring has since touched the hearts and minds of young people on both Christian and secular university campuses, churches, and youth events. 

One place where the outpouring is being felt is Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana. At a recent meeting, 300 students came to join the Collegiate Day of Prayer simulcast from Asbury in Wilmore, Kentucky. Dr. Malachi O’Brien posted to Twitter on Wednesday that the students brought in a pool for what they thought would be three baptisms – instead 21 people came forward to be baptized.

In an email to CBN News, Pastor Dave Shockey of the Purdue Christian Campus House gave even more details about what happened on the Boilermaker campus. 

“A week before the National Day of Prayer, some of our student leaders were thinking about going to Asbury, but felt like God asked them to stay at Purdue and do an event here. They asked me what I thought, and we’ve hosted prayer and worship events a bunch of different times for the NCDOP (National Collegiate Day of Prayer) over the years. We quickly pulled together an event,” Shockey recalled. 

“Several ministries at Purdue joined together for the night, especially Campus House (my church), Greek InterVarsity, and Chi Alpha who decided to cancel their big meeting and join the collaborative prayer and worship event. We had students from a lot of other churches and ministries there as well including Cru, BYX, and Stewart cooperative. We also had some pastors from Indianapolis join, as well as 420 ministries in Indy who led worship for the first half of the night,” the pastor explained.

“We had a couple of students who’d recently met the Lord through our Alpha ministry want to get baptized so we had scheduled part of the night for their baptisms,” he continued. 

“The night was focused on reflecting and praising God for how good he was. We talked about baptism and baptized the students who had planned to be baptized. Made an invitation for any others who wanted to be baptized and a line started to form. We baptized about 8-10 more people and had to pause so we could keep worshipping and praying. Students shared testimonies and praises. Other students led corporate repentance and prayer,” Shockey recalled.  

“It was really sweet, but the baptisms just didn’t stop. By the end of the night, we’d baptized at least 21 people but we’re not completely sure the whole number because many pastors and leaders from different congregations were baptizing their people,” the Campus House pastor said. 

“It was a wild night. All said and done we prayed and worshipped for more than 4.5 hours and God moved,” he concluded.  

“It’s Spreading” 

Don’t think the revival is continuing? Just ask evangelist Nick Hall. He recently told Charisma News (CN) during an exclusive interview that the revival is not gone, “it’s spreading.”

“God is moving. It’s not over. It’s just starting,” Hall said. “I only left Asbury because I felt like I had to bring it home.”

Like Hall, many people who visited Asbury felt rejuvenated and renewed by the Holy Spirit. They understood the urgency that this outpouring is not meant to die—it is meant to spread, according to the CN. 

“Literally that day we changed our plans for an event in downtown Minneapolis,” Hall explained. “I’m calling my charismatic friends asking them to mentor me now, help me understand all the miracles I’m seeing… because the Holy Spirit is just so on the move.”

Hall and his Pulse ministry held an event in downtown Minneapolis, Minnesota. More than 600 people showed up at the impromptu worship service that ran 53 hours and was filled with repentance, healing, literal addictions being broken, and marriages being healed, he recalled. 

“I’m just seeing this breakout everywhere,” Hall told the CN. “You can’t end revival, revival isn’t owned by anyone, and it didn’t start by anyone. It’s a move of God, and if anything, on Thursday night, there was a release of what God had started and it had already spread.”

In a video message posted to Facebook on Monday, the evangelist is encouraging all churches to go see the Jesus Revolution movie because he believes “it’s a playbook” for how God wants to send revival to the U.S. again. He said our busyness and our plans are in the way of revival. 

“God is at work,” Hall shared. “And when God is at work, you just have to stay attuned, and in tune with the Spirit. And just keep your sails up to say, ‘God, Would you move. Would you have your way. Would you do what only you would do.'”

“I believe this is a revival moment,” he said. “I believe it’s just starting. I believe we are on the brink of more. And I think everywhere people are hungry, God is willing to move.

My wife and I were watching a show on The Discovery Channel titled, “A Dog’s World.” 

One segment focused on dogs practice of urinating everywhere to define who they are and whose territory it is, among many other things. “Basically,” the narrator said, “dogs are leaving each other messages.” 

I looked at my wife and said, “So I guess we could call it p-mail.” 

• The years between 50 and 70 are the hardest.  
  • You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.”  
    • T.S. Elliot

• “At age 20, we worry about what others think of us;  
  • at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us; …
  • at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all.”  
    • Ann Landers

• “The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget.”  
  • • Unknown

• “It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, 
  • but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”  
    • Andy Rooney

• “The older I get, the better I used to be.”  
  • • Lee Trevino

• “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, 
  • and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam.”  
    • George Carlin

• “Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, 
  • it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does.”  
    • J. Norman Collie

• “To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, 
  • except exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”  
    • Oscar Wilde

• “The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.”  
  • • Will Rogers

• “We must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars – 
  • more and more repairs and replacements are necessary.”  
    • C.S. Lewis

• “Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.”  
  • • Jennifer Yane

• “I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued.”  
  • • Bill Dana

• “The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.”  
  • • Mark Twain

• “Old people shouldn’t eat healthy foods.  
  • They need all the preservatives they can get.”  
    • Robert Orben

The Stairway to Heaven

Comedians say some funny things…

George Carlin:  

• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”? 

Zach Galifianakis: 

• I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.     

Joan Rivers:  

• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.

Amy Schumer:  

• Nothing good ever happens in a blackout. I’ve never woken up and been like, “What is this Pilates mat doing out?” 

Emo Philips: 

•  I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.    

Jerry Seinfeld:  

• A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Richard Pryor: – I believe in the institution of marriage, and I intend to keep trying until I get it right.

Jean Carroll:  

• The thing that attracted me to my husband was his pride. I’ll never forget the first time I saw him, standing up on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze — and he too proud to run and get it.

Bill Hicks:   

• Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don’t know one child with a full-time job and children.

Ali Wong:  

• If I ever do a nude scene, I want to be in shape just enough so nobody calls me “courageous” for doing it.

Steven Wright:  

• I went to a place to eat. It said “breakfast at any time.” So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

Wanda Sykes:   

• To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, “I’m Secretary of State next month!”

Mitch Hedberg:  

• I like an escalator, man. Because an escalator cannot break. It just becomes stairs.

Chris Rock:  

• Yeah, I love being famous. It’s almost like being white, y’know?

Tig Notaro:  

• I was one of those kids that finished school early… by dropping out. 

Rodney Dangerfield:  

• I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample, there was an olive in it.

Demetri Martin:  

• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.

Janeane Garofalo:  

• My hell is going to be the Stairmaster wing of Dante’s inferno, where they’re going to tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke-style.

Ricky Gervais:  

• I’ve never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don’t sit on a wall if you’re an egg.

As a man was about to stop off for a cold one after work, he noticed a nun trying to look in the small window. Being friendly he asked her if she’d like to go in and see what the place looks like.

“I don’t think I should” she replied.

He explained that he would be with her and she’d learn about it.

Reluctantly she went in and they sat at a table in a dark corner. The man asked if she’d like to have a drink.

“I’d like to try a Martoony that I’ve heard about she replied.

The man went to the bar and ordered. “I’ll have a cold beer and one ‘Martoony’.

The bartender looked at him and said: “MARTOONY?” “Is that darn nun in here again?”

 

Two little old ladies, Connie, and Jean were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
The short one, Jean, leaned over and said, “Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $10 I’d take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show”!
“You’re on!” said Connie, holding up a $10 bill.
So, Jean slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.
She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.☺
Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.
Finally, the smiling Jean came through the exit door to the sounds of a cheering, clapping crowd.
“What happened?” asked Connie.
“I won $1,000 as 1st prize for ‘Best Dried Arrangement’!”
Life is short…
Break the rules 

 

Okay, so I feel dirty just reading that.  That’s gotta be wrong.

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. 

“Don’t you want her name engraved upon it?” asked the jeweler. 

The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, “No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Girl. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again.” 

As a history buff, I was looking forward to staying in a hotel in Salisbury, England, that dated back to the 13th century. 

But when I arrived, the hotel clerk gave me some bad news–my room was in the new section. 

Disappointed, I asked when the ‘new’ section had been built. 

“In the 1600s,” she replied apologetically. 

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.  

She decided she would take her lunch, sit with the workers and talk with them.  

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating. – 

She walked up to the group and with a big smile asked, “Do you men know Jesus Christ?” 

They shook their heads and looked at each other.  

One of the workers looked up into the steelwork and yelled, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?” 

One of the steelworkers asked why. 

The worker yelled, “His wife is here with his lunch”. 

Here’s an oldie from our own resident oldie, Joe from NJ.  (Sorry Joe, I couldn’t help myself.) (LOL!)

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again beared down on the ball and right in the middle of his backswing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past. 

Our golfer said “Yes, she ran into the woods.” 

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, “Yes, they ran that way through the woods.” 

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, “Hey, what’s going on?” 

The guy explained, “You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck.” 

The golfer then asked, “Well what’s the bucket of sand for?” 

The guy in the white coat said, “Oh, that’s my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!” 

And how many of you out there remember who that is?  What show he was on?

A hospital posted a notice in the nurse’s lounge saying: “Remember, the first five minutes of a human being’s life are the most dangerous.”

Underneath, a nurse had written: “The last five are pretty risky, too.”

And with that thrilling picture in our heads…if you’re older…we’re going to call it a day.  I’ve made it to noon on Friday.  Think I’ll take Izzy out to lunch and then when I come back, start on Monday’s issue.  So far today, so good.  Thanks for being there for me today, my dearest friends.  I really do appreciate all of you.  You have helped.  Each and every one of you being there.  I can feel each one of you on the other end of this keyboard.  I know you are there.  Thank you, with all my heart.  For now, may our Father in Heaven bless you with Love and Happiness until next we meet.

Well, it’s Thursday, and I’m continuing my present trend of trying to stay ahead of the ball.  I’m starting this on Sunday.  Monday’s issue is in the chamber, ready to be fired.  Lots of stuff upcoming this week and some nervous making, depression making stuff coming up, also.  Tomorrow, as you’re reading this, but Friday as I’m writing it, is my dear Mary’s birthday.  

You know, last year was the first time her birthday came around without her and I thought that would be the hardest, but someone told me that the next one would be the hardest and I thought they were crazy.  How could the second one be harder than the first one?  Well, I’ll tell you how.  

Because for the first one you are braced for it.  You have a support group that is around you since it had only been 74 days since her death.  You are already reeling.  For the second one, you have found a modicum of joy again in your life…just a smidge.  You have reached a new track, a new path forward.  You are used to your current level of pain with it’s sudden jabs that it gives you when you hear a certain song or something else that reminds you.  Pain has become your friend in a sense.  But this birthday and this anniversary is a whole day of reminders, not just a song or a reminder.  That’s why it’s worse.

Anyway, like I’ve said so many, many times before about both the physical and now the mental … it’s just pain.  And it’s just depression.  Both of which, all of which can be overcome with the Grace of God.  I’ve been dealing with physical pain for over twenty years, I plan on continuing to deal with it for many, many more.

For now, let’s get to the fun stuff and we’ll talk more about some of the other stuff going on as we go through our episode.

Got this really great comment from our resident Nurse, Marsha.

Well…you could’ve outlined the spare tire.

Everyone knows that dinosaurs are extinct!  That’s not a dinosaur!  That’s one of my brothers!  That’s a flippin’ DRAGON!!!!

Friends

Me and You are Friends……. 

You Fight, I Fight…….. 

You Hurt, I Hurt…….. 

You Cry, I Cry……… 

You Jump Off a Bridge…. 

I’m Gonna Miss Your Dumb ass 

Lazy people fact #5727814780: 

You were too lazy to read that number. 

I had a lot of special friends when I was growing up.  This little blonde artist was one of them.  We spent many long sunny summer afternoons painting together.

Carole was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother’s wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. 

Suddenly, her mother’s eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Carole lovingly said, “Don’t cry, Mom. Remember, you aren’t losing a daughter, you’re gaining a son.” 

“Oh, forget about that!” her mother sobbed. “I used to fit into that gown!” 

Oh my OUCH!!

A man walks into a public men’s room. 

His arms are held awkwardly out to his sides, forearms hanging limply, fingers spread apart. 

He approaches another man and asks, “Excuse me, but could you please unzip my fly?” 

The second fellow is embarrassed, but feels sorry for the stranger, who appears to be crippled. 

He thinks how humiliating it must be to have to ask for help for something like this, so he complies, unzipping the first man’s pants. 

Next, the man asks him to hold his cock while he pees. 

The second guy is even more embarrassed, but does as he is asked. 

Finally, the first guy finishes, and the second man starts to put his cock back in his pants. 

“Oh, I can take care of that,” the first man says, blowing on his fingers. “I think my nails are dry now.” 

A man was getting concerned that his 3 daughters might not be as innocent as he wished. 

What did they already know about sex? He decided to find out.

So he brought his 16-year-old daughter into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and said “Do you know what this is?” “Yes, daddy, that’s a penis”. 

The man exploded! He couldn’t believe it! “You’re grounded for a year”, he exclaimed, “and you’re going to read the bible every day!” 

He then brought his 14-year-old into the bathroom, and dropped his pants. “Do you know what this is?” 

“Yes, daddy, it’s a penis”

Unbelievable! He grounded her for 2 years, and took away her allowance forever. 

Finally, he brought his 12-year-old into the bathroom, dropped his pants, and asked “Do you know what this is?” “No, daddy, I don’t.” 

“What a good girl! I’m very proud of you! I’m going to raise your allowance! Anyway, this is called a penis.” 

The girl laughed and said, “You call THAT a penis?!?”

“Sound the alarm!  The democrats are coming!  The democrats are coming!”

This one was sent in by Joe from NJ and it’s called Older Comments…

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless. 

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision. 

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock. 

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says. 

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.” 

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. 

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. 
We’re having a meeting. 

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”. 

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me? 

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime. 

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row. 

I decided to stop calling the bathroom “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning. 

Old age is coming at a really bad time. 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees. 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet. 

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

Now, I’m wondering . . . did I send this to you, did you send it to me or have I only seen one copy?

You don’t need anger management. You need people to stop pissing you off. 

Your people skills are just fine. It’s your tolerance for idiots that needs work. 

“On time” is, when you get there. 

Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound. 

It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free…and three sizes smaller. 

Lately, you’ve noticed people your age are so much older than you. 

One afternoon I was walking on a trail with my baby daughter, chatting to her about the scenery.

When a man and his dog approached, I leaned down to the carriage and said, “See the doggy?”

Suddenly I felt foolish talking to my baby as if she understood me.

However, just as the man passed, he reached down, patted his dog, and said, “See the baby?”

What in the world is he showing them?

You don’t always get what you ask for, but you never get what you don’t ask for … unless it’s contagious!

-Beverly Sills (1929 – 2007)

Okay, that’s just weird.

Too much darn makeup!!!

I LOVE this meme!!!!  You have to think about it to get it and when you get it, it makes you laugh!  It’s PERFECT!!

Alaska Law

While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.

Be sure you lock your doors and windows at home!

A Lake Charles man was found dead in his home over the weekend.

Detectives at the scene found the man face down in his bathtub.

The tub had been filled with milk, sugar and cornflakes.   

A banana was sticking out of his bottom.

Police suspect a cereal killer

I can attest that as the honest and complete truth my friends.

The Vet explained to Bubba that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it’s food.

“What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck’s nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it’ll drown.”

Bubba goes about his business and about a week later the Vet runs into his patient. “Well, how is that duck of yours?” the Doctor inquires.

“He’s dead.” declared the heartbroken Bubba.

“I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn’t he?” insisted the Vet.

“No.” lamented Bubba. “I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise.”

Guess Which One it is: Is it NBA or NFL

♦ 36 have been accused of spousal abuse
♦ 7 have been arrested for fraud
♦ 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
♦ 117 have directly or indirectly been responsible for bankrupting at least two businesses
♦ 3 have done time for assault
♦ 71 cannot get a credit card due to their bad credit
♦ 14 have been arrested on drug related charges
♦ 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
♦ 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
♦ 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year.

How many of you think NBA?  How many of you think NFL?  Well, you’d both be wrong, it’s the 435 members of the United States Congress.

And that’s a transcript of a video that was sent to me.  I don’t know how old the video is, so I don’t know what year it was from, but I’d almost bet dollars to donuts, that the numbers are higher now!  And that is the perfect lead-in to …

Upset over a newlywed squabble with my husband, I went to my mother to complain. 

Trying to console me, my dad said that men are not all like this all the time. 

“Nonsense,” I said. 

“Men are good for only one thing!” 

“Yes,” my mother interjected, “but how often do you have to parallel park?” 

This is way cool.  Thanks to Joe from NJ for sending this one in.

Californians are a strange people.

They’ll put every chemical known to God and man up their nostrils, and then warn you for putting sugar in your coffee!

A couple of quick things before I go for the day.  First of all, a couple of quick comments from people, first from Friggin’ Pete:

It is Monday morning…it’s not really, but work with me here…it’s Monday morning and another weekend has come and gone.  I hope everyone has had as good a weekend as…

Okay, I can’t do this.  I’m writing this on Friday afternoon, trying to get ahead of the game so that I don’t fall behind again before even Saturday’s issue even publishes.  I know that I have a tough week coming up and I have a lot of studying to do this weekend.  We have our Men’s group on Monday night, where I have to get the first part of my plan ready and on Wednesday night we FINALLY start our Jail Ministry.  Thursday is our Anger Group that I co-facilitate.  That’s not to mention my normal Sunday Church and every other Wednesday lunch time on base Grief Group and the other every other Wednesday lunch time bible study.

Come to think of it, it’s not a busy week, it’s a normal week…sheesh!

And from here, let’s move on to the fun stuff, and we’ll talk more later…

I did find this old picture of Lethal Leprechaun, my brother from another mother.  May God continue to Bless you my brother.  I know you’re causing trouble in Heaven.  I surely miss you but know that you are full of joy and in no pain.  Love you, my friend.

What does a coffin and a condom have in common? 

They’re both filled with stiffs, only one’s coming and one’s going! 

I really, really don’t want to know.

A man had just been married and came to work in a hurry the next day. 

He went up to a friend and said, “You must help me. My wife and I are both virgins and we don’t know what to do!” 

The friend replied, “Where are you going for your honeymoon?” 

Man says, “To Disneyworld.” 

Friend, “OK, I’ll come along with you and the first night I’ll hide in the closet. if you have a problem….I’ll be there.” 

Man, “Thank you!” 

They did exactly that. The man left his wife and went to the bathroom. 

He stubbed his toe as he reentered the bed and uttered an , “Oh…shit!” 

His friend in the closet whispered, “Flip her over! Flip her over!” 

A man is very ashamed of his pecker because of the size. He has an extremely small pecker and doesn’t want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size. 

One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her. 

The man unzips his pants, whips out his small pecker, and shoves it into her hand. 

He sits there impatiently waiting to see her reaction. 

His girlfriend says, “Thanks, but I don’t smoke.” 

How it all began…

THAT would be worth having!!

Ain’t that the truth!  If it’s NOT the truth for you, then you ain’t doin’ it right!

Accidentally took some of my cat’s medicine.

Don’t ask meow.

I will say, as a dragon, that I ALWAYS urinate with precision and ESPECIALLY with elegance!

Ten Things That Will Disappear

MOODS OF A WOMAN 

    An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, 
    A woman is a bundle of contradiction, 

    She’s afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, 
    But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house. 

    Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, 
    She’ll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, 

    She’ll win you in rags, enchant you in silk, 
    She’ll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk; 

    At times she’ll be vengeful, merry, and sad, 
    She’ll hate you like poison, and love you like mad. 

MOODS OF A MAN 

    Hungry 

    Horny 

This is really true, he did that. If this is what he did in death, just imagine the romance he must have given her in life…..

Wow!
          Just…
                     Wow!

“ET?  Is that you?”

The New Zen 

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre. 

2. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk, that’s the time to do it. 

3. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any. 

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted. 

5. No one is listening until you fart. 

6. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else. 

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 

8. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments. 

9. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. 

10. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. 

12. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. 

13. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. 

14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen. 

15. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time. 

16. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement. 

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket. 

18. A closed mouth gathers no food. 

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,  and it holds the universe together. 

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 

21. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving. 

22. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. 

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up. 

24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse & then things get worse . 

Do you know what it is?

A man on a construction site thirty floors up had to go to the bathroom. 

He approached his foreman and told him that he was going down to use the restroom. 

The foreman told him he was crazy; by the time he got down and back up, he’d lose a half hour. 

The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of the building. 

He stood on one end and told the guy to go out on the other end and pee. 

He said, “Damn, Chuck, we’re thirty floors up! Piss’ll turn to vapor before it hits the ground!” 

What could he do? It was his foreman, after all. 

So the guy gingerly heads out on the plank. 

Suddenly the foreman’s cell phone rang. Not even thinking, he jumped off the board to get it, sending the peeing man to his death! 

At the inquest, an electrician who was working on the twenty-seventh floor was asked what he’d witnessed regarding the accident. 

“I’m not really sure. I think it had something to do with sex.” 

The coroner said, “Sex? Why do you think that? 

The electrician replied, “I saw the man falling with his dick in his hand, screaming, “Where’d that cocksucker go?” 

Having just had it done, I understand it completely!!!

Okay, so last night I FINALLY got to see Jesus Revolution at the theater.  Before I talk about the movie, let me tell you why this was so darn hard for me.  Going to the movies was always very special to Mary and I.  See, on our honeymoon, that’s pretty much all we could afford to do.  Well, that and spend the day at the Indianapolis Zoo.  So, every year on our anniversary, we’d go to the movies in celebration.  On our first anniversary we saw one movie, on our second anniversary we saw two movies…on our third we saw three and realized we couldn’t keep this up, so we went back to just one movie on our fourth and keep that up for the twenty-six years we were married.  But, that was also one of our favorite things to do.  We never took a real vacation, except the one time my dad paid for us to go to Disney World, but we didn’t really care.  We were simple people.  A night out to see a movie was a big deal for us.

So now, going by myself, was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  And it literally took me weeks to work up the nerve to do so.  I was worried that my local theater was going to get rid of the movie so I basically FORCED myself to go last night.  I’ve never gone to the movie by myself before.  

But, I’m so glad that I did.  What a GREAT movie.  Highly recommended.  I laughed, I cried.  It’s a good thing that no one sat near me in the theater, watching this old man wiping tears from his eyes.  But, I stopped caring about stuff like that a long time ago.  I can’t believe there’s anyone out there who hasn’t heard of the movie, but for those of you who haven’t, here’s the trailer:

The guy who plays Lonnie Frisbee is the same guy who plays Jesus on the Chosen.  Another GREAT series.  Another highly recommended one.  That one you can watch by downloading the free app.  Right now they are finished with season 3, so 24 episodes.  Any of you who haven’t seen that one I truly and seriously am so deeply jealous of you!!!  

Why? 

Because you haven’t seen it yet and get to watch it for the first time!  You lucky, lucky people you!

And then … AND THEN … I wake up this morning to THIS:

Yes, those are Willow (in the foreground) and Pepper (in the background) and my raggedy old garage and deck and fence that’s falling apart and…well, you get it.  And about an inch and a half of snow that was unexpected.  It’s MARCH for crying-out-loud!

And this is the other thing that we woke up to the other morning.  Willow still sleeps in a kennel at night and when we are not home.  The couple of times we’ve left her out she has been fine and she’s stopped eating her blankets and stuff, so we decided to give her an old pillow to make it a little more comfortable for her.  It’s been over a year since she’s chewed anything that wasn’t hers to chew on purpose.  But for some reason, this is what we woke up to:

That used to be a pillow.

And since we’re throwing unusual stuff in-between the memes in this section, here’s one from Leah D. that EXACTLY explains what an awful lot of us have wanted to say to many people many times.

I empathize quite strongly with Allen.

Why didn’t you tell us the MRNA VACCINES caused MYOCARDITIS?

I Did.  But you just sent me back a picture of a guy in a TINFOIL HAT.

THE WORLD

The world is increasingly designed to depress us.  Happiness isn’t very good for the economy.  If we were happy with what we had, why would we need more?  How do you sell an anti-ageing moisturizer?  You make someone worry about ageing.  How do you get people to vote for a political party?  You make them worry about immigration.  How do you get them to buy insurance?  By making them worry about everything.  How do you get them to have plastic surgery?  By highlighting their physical flaws.  How do you get them to watch a TV show?  By making them worry about missing out.  How do you get them to buy a new smartphone?  By making them feel like they are being left behind.

To be calm becomes a kind of revolutionary act.  To be happy with your own non-upgraded existence.  To be comfortable with our messy, human selves, would not be good for business.

~ Matt Haig

Aging…

• Age is something that doesn’t matter unless you are a cheese.
  • Luis Buñuel, Spanish filmmaker
• Getting old is like climbing a mountain; you get a little out of breath, but the view is much better.
  • Ingrid Bergman
• The idea is to die young as late as possible.
  • Ashley Montagu, British-American anthropologist
• The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.
  • Lucille Ball
• No one is as old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
  • Henry David Thoreau
• You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
  • Joan Rivers
• It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.
  • Andy Rooney
• My mother always used to say, “The older you get, the better you get. Unless you’re a banana.”
  • Betty White
• I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • Phyllis Diller
• Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
  • Truman Capote
• My face carries all my memories. Why would I erase them?
  • Diane Von Furstenberg
• I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
  • Bob Hope
• I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to.
  • Albert Einstein
• Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
  • Groucho Marx

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she’s low on gas, so she stops at a gas station. While she’s pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, “A little more to the left…a little more to the right!…”

Morris was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet.

So Morris, not being of the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over $1,500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $150.”

A voice from the back of the hall shouted, “I will give $175!”

And that my dear friends is that for today.  But before we go, let’s throw this in…

Since St. Patrick’s Day was just the other day and since this stuff has a short shelf-life, let’s do this real fast and then we’ll call it a day.

“Irish Shopping”

And now we’re done.  So until next time…

This is going to sound terrible, but I have no time.  I have to try and get as much of this done as possible, so no lead in to this one.  Instead, I’m going to jump right into the fun stuff.  Maybe I’ll have a chance later to get into the writing part of this.  In the mean time…

My trainer said I should do lunges to stay in shape.  That would be a big step forward.

While reversing the car today, I thought…

“Aah!  This takes me back.”

Five ants rented an apartment with five other ants now they are tenants together.

Some day you are going to grow up and eat entire villages.

I’m in the hospital after being diagnosed with bad camouflage disease.  They’ve just moved me to ICU.

I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”.

There so stupid.

Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful, but that’s not how Julius Caesar. 

And each bubble is a new dream, a new life, a new thought …

Rectal Grease went and complained to HR and now we can’t use nicknames at work anymore…

Statistically speaking, you’d think I’d make a good decision once in a while out of sheer luck.

Nope.

Getting older is like visiting an all you can eat buffet.  What should be hot is cold, what should be firm is limp, and the buns are bigger than anything else on the menu!

That’s a REALLY GOOD question…

“I’m definitely going to need more coffee for this crap.”

~ Me, every morning

Girls must buy $500 purses just to impress other girls.  No guy has ever said, “Bro, she was ugly…but that purse…”

“We are all searching for someone whose demons play well with ours.” ~ Meghan Coates

And this is where I was when I failed to send out Thursday’s edition.  And where I was when I sent my apology.  And where I was when I realized that a bunch of you guys can be really mean.  (Said tongue in cheek and with laughter in my heart because I really do appreciate the fact that you guys tease right back quite well.)  What am I talking about?  Here, let me show you…

And thank you very much to the lot of you who send sweet and kind letters and notes of appreciation and kindness for my slight delay in getting this (hic!) issisode out to youse.

So now burning a Gay flag is called a “Hate Crime” but burning the American Flag is FREE SPEECH!!!

Great!  So now the Mexicans are getting in on it, too?!

Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. 
All problems should be solved that way. 
Too much pollution?  Release wolves in factories.
  Dislike Congress?  Wolves. 
Wanna lose weight? 
That’s right, wolves.

And that is EXACTLY what is wrong with our country right now!!!!

I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn…

…and now we wait.

My buddy Steve tied a level to the top of his head.

Now he’s Even Steven.

My wife asks me to remind her of stuff.

That way, if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

The one that’s been getting me lately is everyone is calling me about my Medicare.  I’m not flippin’ ON Medicare!!!  That doesn’t seem to matter!  I get at least 9 calls a week.  And they are all from different numbers.

So, this is where I would normally end this issue, but since it’s going to be late … all the way to Saturday, I’m going to throw a bit extra in there…

This one is sent in by Joe from NJ and he’s called it, “My Life”

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

10. If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

19. Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Doctor, you’ve gotta help me… my wife Sharon just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”

“Look, Charlie, I can’t prescribe…”

“Doctor, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly to Hell! You’ve got to help me.”

The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. “Ordinarily, I wouldn’t do this. These are experimental, but the tests so far indicate that they’re VERY powerful. Don’t give Sharon more than ONE, understand?… JUST one. One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?”

“Um… okay.”

Charlie expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where Sharon has dinner waiting.

When dinner is finished, Sharon goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Charlie, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into Sharon’s coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill.

And then he begins to worry. The Doc did say they were powerful.

Then an inspiration strikes: Charlie drops one pill into his own coffee.

Sharon returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our Charlie with poorly concealed anticipation.

Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, Sharon shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice Charlie has never heard Sharon use before, she says, “I… need… a man..!!!”

Charlie eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, “Me… too..!!!.”

The quiet of the hospital was broken by the piercing sirens, and white-clad guards ran everywhere looking for the missing mental patient to no avail.

Later that evening, the police, responding to a report of a woman screaming, surrounded a house.

As they pulled up, they could see activity through a gap in the curtains, and the lights abruptly went out. Repeated knocking and ringing of the bell being unavailing, they broke down the door.

To their horror, they saw a woman lying naked on the floor and the mental patient just pulling up his pants. The mental patient ran to a large bedroom window, picked up a stool, broke it out, and tried to make his escape into the fields behind the house.

One of the officers, not quick enough to catch him, fired at the fleeing form, hitting him in the arm. The impact and surprise threw the fleeing felon off balance, and he crashed into the low fence surrounding the back yard.

The man was treated at the local hospital, and sent back to the institution, where he was placed under guard in solitary confinement

The headline in the local paper the next day read:

NUT BOLTS AND SCREWS
Police Wing Nut, Lock Nut Up

A fellow computer programmer for a consulting group had designed some software for one of our largest accounts. He asked my help in putting it into operation.

At first, he handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked me to help with the last phase of the training.

When I sat down with one woman and told her I would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

“I’m so glad you’re teaching me instead of him.”

Surprised, I said that my colleague was far more experienced than I was.

Yes,” she said, “but I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people.”

A Rabbi who’s been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he’s never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu.

As he’s eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant. He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they’d chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth.

The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, “Wow – you order an apple in this place and look how it’s served!”

And on that practical note, we’ll call this one an issue.  I hope you all  had as much fun as I did playing with the laughter.  And may God Bless you all with Joy and Love until we meet again (hopefully on Monday).

No issue today.

Mostly because I just realized I forgot to set it up to go out last night and it’s not quite finished.

I can’t reach it from my government computer.

My apologies.

Cheers

Impish