Dragon Laffs #2099

As I’m writing this on Friday, and remember, the election was held three days ago, we still don’t know who holds the senate or the congress.  It’s amazing to me that in our day and age we can hold an election and not know who won.  And it’s because of the stupid election laws in some states.  It’s an election day, not an election week or even month.  Vote early, that’s fine, but what’s with being able to count these mail in votes up to days after the polls close?  I thought that when the polls close, they close? But, it does at least look like it’s going to be a Republican win.

And then Biden, when asked what he plans to change when confronted with the obvious evidence that the people (us) are unhappy with the way things are going, he replied, “Nothing.”  He says that it takes time for his plans to come to fruition and that we’ll just to be patient and wait.

What in the world is wrong with that man?  

And a Federal Judge has come out and said that his giving away OUR money in student loan relief is illegal.  Now, we’ll see if something is done about it.


We need to move on to the laughter.  PLEASE!

A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington, DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page… So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.  The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:


…and THAT, my friends, pretty well sums up the media’s approach to the news these days…….

Do you remember this guy?

Too many people have forgotten him, and many more don’t even have a clue.

“Socialism only works in two places:

Heaven, where they don’t need it, and hell where they already have it.”

– Ronald Reagan


“Here’s my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.’

– Ronald Reagan


“The most terrifying words in the English language are:

I’m from the government and I’m here to help.”

– Ronald Reagan


“The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they’re ignorant; it’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.”

– Ronald Reagan

“Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the U.S. was too strong.”

– Ronald Reagan


“I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress.”

– Ronald Reagan

“The taxpayer:

That’s someone who works for the federal government but doesn’t have to take the civil service examination.”

– Ronald Reagan

“Government is like a baby:

an alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.”

– Ronald Reagan

“The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program.”

– Ronald Reagan


It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession.

I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.”

– Ronald Reagan

“Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases:

If it moves, tax it.

If it keeps moving, regulate it.

And if it stops moving, subsidize it.”

– Ronald Reagan


“Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many rewards;

if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.”

– Ronald Reagan


“No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.”

– Ronald Reagan

Visiting my sister for a few days in Chicago last fall, I decided to get her a thank you gift for staying there.

I visited a new shopping mall and approached a great looking gal in the women’s department.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for a gift for my sister,” I said eyeing the attractive salesgirl, “but I don’t know her size.”

“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hand in mine while lashing me a big devilish smile. “Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” the salesgirl inquired, as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” I replied, “I think she also needs a bra and panties.”

“They’re giving away free light sabers at Guido’s Bazaar!  Come on!  Jump on!  Let’s go!”

When my daughter was about 6, my sister was baby sitting for the day.

My sister had a soap opera on the TV and during a love scene, my daughter expressed how gross she thought it was that a man and a woman were kissing.

My sister explained that when a man and a woman are in love, kissing is not gross. She then said, “your Mommy and Daddy kiss – they’re in love.”

My daughter’s rebuttal to that was “No they’re not – they’re married!”

Here’s a really good oldie but goodie.

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain …

While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

The waiter replied, “Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”

The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning.”

If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins.

Sven was looking for a job and heard that their was an opening for a janitor at the local Lutheran church. He applied for the job and the interview went very well.

“You have the job,” he was told, “just sign this paper.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“You’re supposed to sign your name.”

“That’s my mark,” Sven replied, “I cannot read or write.”

“What? We’re sorry to work here you have to be able to sign your name.”

Well, Sven finally got himself a job as a mate on a tugboat, and eventually he became captain of his own tugboat. He did well for himself and eventually had a fleet of ships of his own and became one of the wealthiest men in the community.

One day the mayor decided to honor him for setting such a good example for other immigrants, and what they can accomplish with hard work and ingenuity. The mayor says, “Sven, we want to give you the key to the city! Just sign this form.”

Sven made a big “X” on the paper.

“What’s that?” he was asked.

“That’s my mark.”

“Your mark?” The mayor asked.

“Aih, I cannot read or write, so that’s my mark.”

“You accomplished all of this not being able to read or write?” The mayor exclaimed. “Just think what you could have done if you could read and write!”

“Yes,” Sven said. “I could have been a church janitor.”

The design drawings for our new corporate headquarters.  If we can raise the funds.

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange animals.

She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it all excited. “Hi! I’m a zebra what are you?”

“I’m a cow,” said the cow.

“Right, what do you do?”

“I make milk for the farmer.”


The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and ran over to it, “Hi, I’m a zebra what are you?”

“I’m a chicken,” said the chicken.

“Oh, right, what do you do?”

“I make eggs for the farmer.”

“Right – o, great, see ya round.”

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost exactly like her without the stripes. She ran over to it and said, “Hi, I’m a zebra what are you.”

“I am a Stallion,” said the stallion.

“Wow,” said the zebra. “What do you do?”

“Take off your pajamas, darling, and I’ll show you.”

The fellow stormed into the postmaster’s office in a fury.

“I’ve been getting threatening letters in the mail for months and I want them stopped.”

“Of course,” said the postmaster. “Sending threatening letters through the mail is a criminal offense. Do you know who’s sending them?”

“Yes,” shouted the man. “It’s those idiots down at the Internal Revenue.”

A fundamentalist preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, with a raised voice he finished, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down and revered silence filled the church.

O’Malley, the song leader who dozed off during the sermon, stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”

Good advice, but do we really need a sign?

Friend:  I’m worried about you. 

Me:  [dunks Oreo in whiskey] Why??

It blows my mind that NASA is able to receive data from 4.67 billion miles away, but I lose wifi signal in my kitchen.

I laughed so hard at this one

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Be decisive. Right or wrong, make a decision. The road is paved with flat squirrels who couldn’t make a decision

Happiness is not having to set the alarm clock.

“The starting pay is $40,000. Later it can go up to $80,000.” Great. I’ll start later.

If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, “What the Hell is wrong with you?

When the pool re-opens, due to social distancing rules, there will be no water in lanes 1, 3, & 5.

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the prompt for username and password to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, but no atmosphere.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us.  Please enjoy this 40-minute flute solo”.

I envy people who grow old gracefully.  They age like a fine wine. I’m aging like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favorite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she’s mowing the lawn.

So, you drive across town to a gym to walk on a treadmill?

I need someone to explain to me why it’s always, “if you can’t pay your rent, buy fewer lattes and avocado toasts” and not “if you can’t pay your employees a living wage, buy fewer yachts, rockets, and spacecraft.”

Explain it to me like I’m in Kindergarten.

Love living in end stage capitalism where a parking spot makes more an hour than I do as an EMT.

This next one has to fall into the category of:

The “OPRF will order its teacher to exclude from their grading assessments variables it says disproportionally hurt the grades of black students.  They can no longer be docked for missing class, misbehaving in school or failing to turn in their assignments.”  So basically, the OPRF is So Racist that they are saying that blacks are so incredibly stupid that they can’t be expected to turn in assignments, behave in class, or even show up to class. How absolutely incredibly racist can you get?  When you make accommodations for a group of people like this, and saying things, LIKE THIS, you are saying that, as a group, because of the color of their skin, they are incapable of behaving like a respectable human being.  That is ridiculously racist.  Expectations for EVERYONE should be exactly the same.  Otherwise you are being racist toward and for somebody.  I sure as hell wouldn’t want someone to say or think that I was incapable of not showing up, of not being able to turn in assignments, or not being able to behave myself in class.  WHY DON’T YOU SUPPOSED PROFESSIONALS REALIZE THAT?  The military figured that out a long time ago.  At least until lately and the “feel good” morons started moving in and the whole thing started falling apart. 

Uh oh… I think he’s talking about me!  Impish Dragon is an EXTREME THREAT…

I just heard on TV that 38,000 American Veterans are homeless.  How is that possible?  That is unconscionable!  We should be ashamed of ourselves!

Looking around on line, I found that these are the favorite 9 charities for helping homeless vets:

  • U.S. Veterans Initiative (U.S. Vets)
  • National Coalition for Homeless Veterans
  • The American Legion
  • Disabled American Veterans
  • Volunteers of America
  • Veterans Inc.
  • Easterseals
  • Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America
  • Operation Dignity

I am a member of The American Legion and have been for many years and I am giving a monthly donation to the National Coalition for Homeless Veterans.  It’s not much, but I figure if the Tunnels to Towers folks can do what they can do by asking folks for $11 from people than my little bit more than that a month has got to help out.  Every little bit helps.  The idea folks, is to help where ever you can, if you can, even if it’s just a little bit.

6 year-old [to her crying brother]:  It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.  

Me:  Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done.  Why is he crying?  

6 year-old:  I hit him.

2 year-old [eating his lunch]:  Papa’s coffee hot? 

Me:  Yeah baby, it’s hot, don’t touch. 

2 year-old:  Me blow on it for Papa?

It was at this point I witnessed with horror, my 2 year-old attempt to blow on my freshly made coffee, only to spit a half eaten chicken nugget straight into it…

A fundamentalist preacher was completing a temperance sermon.  With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater emphasis, his arms in the air, he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, with a raised voice he finished, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”  He sat down and revered silence filled the church.

O’Malley, the song leader who dozed off during the sermon, stood up very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River.'”

And that’s it.  I would like to take a moment to thank everyone who took the time to wish me a Happy Veteran’s Day and to Thank Me for My Service.  You are quite welcome and thank you for your support.  I hope I can continue to count on your support in the coming months and years.  To my fellow Vets out there, thank you to each and everyone of you.  And to all of you out there, May God Bless and keep you until we meet again.

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2 Responses to Dragon Laffs #2099

  1. Wouter Basson, Centurion, Pretoria, Gauteng says:

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