Dragon Laffs #2100

Good Morning Campers,

What a day I’ve had already today.  It’s Saturday and let’s get to the apology first.  Let me start out by saying a HUGE thank you to Bob, who pointed this out to me in the comments section.  The article I posted in the last issue that I went on about the school that was racist and making special exception for black students for missing class, missing assignments, and misbehaving in class was a total fabrication on the part of the reporter who wrote it.  The school is, according to the school board member who brought it up, going to go through some, what they are calling, “equitable grading practices”.  Things like scoring an F at no lower than a 50% rather than a zero.  There was nothing in his presentation about dumbing down the curriculum or the three above mentioned points that everyone, including this dragon, got so upset about. 

And it seems this moron has a history of doing this repeatedly in this area.  Here’s a quote from the article that Bob sent me:

West Cook News is a product of Local Government Information Services (LGIS) and is one of about 30 conservative news sites covering various counties in Illinois. LGIS is overseen by Brian Timpone, a conservative businessman and TV journalist. Timpone, a former River Forest resident, also ran Journatic, an outlet that featured hyperlocal news stories and later gained national attention for plagiarism and for using fake bylines and quotes, according to Columbia Journal Review. 

And here is a link to the entire news article for any of you who are interested in reading it. https://www.oakpark.com/2022/06/03/oprf-responds-to-fake-news-story/

I should have taken the time to verify the article, but since it was a photograph of an actual news article, I felt like I could trust it.  Well, it WAS an actual news article.  Just written by a jerk who gives us conservatives a bad name.  I am truly sorry.

And then I got this … the complete and total opposite end of the spectrum … from Wouter who lives in the capital of South Africa and he is going to send me this!!!  You guys have to click on this and watch it.  https://9gag.com/gag/a1PdKA8?ref=wsa.mw 

It is truly amazing.  And this guy may very well grow up to be president or something equally as spectacular.  He definitely needs to be watched over, that’s for damn sure. 

Thanks to both Bob and Wouter, two very wonderful fellow campers, for two completely, yet similar reasons.  They are paying attention and sharing their wisdom with the rest of us, and that is truly what being a fellow traveler on this big blue marble is all about.

Maybe later I’ll tell you about my very short flight off my back steps in the snow this morning thanks to Willow Dragon.  Lots of blood and bruises, but no broken bones, thank God.  But for now, I think that’s enough and we should get started on the laughter.  It is Monday morning, after all and we need all the laughter we can get! 

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult.

It’s not.

Mine had me trained in two days.

Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may  freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone.  Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next 
to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of  wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


Element Name: MAN
Symbol: BY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.  Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with it. Becomes explosive when mixed with  Kid (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama.

Then she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence with, “I think I’d throw up!”

Some of the ancient artwork that decorates the walls of our corporate headquarters.

Many years ago I was acting as the system administrator for a test system in a large publicly held company.

Periodically I would receive a call from someone who had not accessed the system recently, forgot their password and locked themselves out trying to logon. I would look up their password and unlock the system for them and they would go on their merry way.

One day I received a call from a young lady who was in just such a predicament. I looked up her password and informed her that it was ‘DOME’ and, just to be playful, told her the price for me being gracious enough to unlock her sign-on was an explanation of the meaning of her password. She became very embarrassed over the phone and pleaded that she could never reveal her secret. I of course replied that I would not give her system access until she did. After negotiating for several minutes she finally acquiesced but made me promise to never reveal her password meaning to any of her colleagues to which I gladly agreed.

“Well, what does it mean?”, I asked.

She hesitated and then replied, “It’s two words.”

There was pregnant pause. I unlocked her system and simply said, “Have a nice day”.

A Texan friend of mine was on a business trip in China, browsing through a department store in Beijing when a staff member approached him.

“Excuse me, sir, are you American?”

“Why yes, yes I am.”

“What state are you from?”

“Texas,” my friend proudly exclaimed.

Disappointed, the clerk said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I was hoping to find someone to help me with my English.”

You know … I’ve done this before and I STILL screwed it up!

Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately. OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are. 

First Question: 
You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? 

Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up in the next question. 

To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question. 
Second Question: 
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? 

Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this! Are you? 
Third Question: 
Very tricky math! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000. Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20. Now add another 1000 Now add 10. What is the total? Scroll down for answer. 

Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100. Don't believe it? Check with your calculator! Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get the last question right? 
Fourth Question: 
Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? 

Answer: Nunu? 
NO! Of course not. Her name is Mary. Read the question again 

Okay, now the bonus round: 
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. 
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? 

He just has to open his mouth and ask.

Marking our landing spot for … well, I can’t tell you what it’s for.  Never mind.  Forget I said anything.


Q:  What’s the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?

A:  Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.

The phone rings, the woman answers.  A pervert, with heavy breathing, says, “I bet you have a tight ass with no hair.”

The woman replies, “Yes I do, he’s watching golf.  Who shall I say is calling?”

Last night, my neighbor came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes.  Problem is, he lives alone, so I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left.

Things to Ponder:

* What if my dog only brings the ball back because he thinks I like throwing it?
* If the poison expiration date is past does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?
* Which letter in “Scent” is silent?  Is it the S or the C?
* Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
* Why is W pronounced “double U” instead of “double V”?
* What if oxygen is killing you and it just takes 75 to 100 years to work?
* Every time you clean, you make something else dirty.
* 100 years ago, everyone had a horse, only the rich had a car.  Today, everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.  
* If you replace the “W” with a “T” in “What, Where and When”, you would have the answer to each one.
* If you rip a hole in a net, you have less holes than you started with.

From now on I’m putting on my resume that I was:

– Project Manager at Tower Records
– Regional Manager at Blockbuster
– Division Manager at KB Toy Store
– Executive Director of Toys R Us

Who’re they gonna call to verify?

The Itsy-Bitsy Paycheck just post to my account.

Down came the Bills and wiped the Money out.

Here’s another essay from Friggin’ Pete.  It’s a great one.  Thanks again Pete for your awesome inputs to this venue, you are deeply appreciated.

What Is A Veteran?

Some veterans bear visible signs of their service: a missing limb, a jagged scar, a certain look in the eye. Others may carry the evidence inside them: a pin holding a bone together, a piece of shrapnel in the leg – or perhaps another sort of inner steel: the soul’s ally forged in the refinery of adversity. Except in parades, however, the men and women who have kept America safe wear no badge or emblem. You can’t tell a vet just by looking. What is a vet?
He is the cop on the beat who spent six months in Saudi Arabia sweating two gallons a day making sure the armored personnel carriers didn’t run out of fuel.
He is the barroom loudmouth, dumber than five wooden planks, whose overgrown frat-boy behavior is outweighed a hundred times in the cosmic scales by four hours of exquisite bravery near the 38th parallel.
She – or he – is the nurse who fought against futility and went to sleep sobbing every night for two solid years in DaNang.
He is the POW who went away one person and came back another – or didn’t come back AT ALL.
He is the Quantico drill instructor that has never seen combat – but has saved countless lives by turning slouchy, no-account rednecks and gang members into Marines, and teaching them to watch each other’s backs.
He is the parade-riding Legionnaire who pins on his ribbons and medals with a prosthetic hand.
He is the career quartermaster who watches the ribbons and medals pass him by.
He is the three anonymous heroes in The Tomb Of The Unknowns, whose presence at the Arlington National Cemetery must forever preserve the memory of all the anonymous heroes whose valor dies unrecognized with them on the battlefield or in the ocean’s sunless deep.
He is the old guy bagging groceries at the supermarket – palsied now and aggravatingly slow – who helped liberate a Nazi death camp and who wishes all day long that his wife were still alive to hold him when the nightmares come.

He is an ordinary and yet an extraordinary human being, a person who offered some of his life’s most vital years in the service of his country, and who sacrificed his ambitions so others would not have to sacrifice theirs. He is a soldier and a savior and a sword against the darkness, and he is nothing more than the finest, greatest testimony on behalf of the finest, greatest nation ever known. So remember, each time you see someone who has served our country, just lean over and say Thank You. That’s all most people need, and in most cases it will mean more than any medals they could have been awarded or were awarded.

I want to add one thing.  The New York Times just printed an article questioning why certain branches of the military aren’t hitting their recruitment goals and suggesting that they should lower their standards in order to meet those goals.  And I heard screams of “NO!” echo across the country from all the veterans and military members out there who heard that.  Why is it that we are happy, as a country to keep lowering the bar to make things acceptable rather than teaching people to jump higher?  The NY Times would have us make it acceptable to lower our standards so that obesity and short people, weak people should be allowed to join.  That way when someone is wounded those lowered expectations people would be unable to carry them off the battlefield and we would end up leaving someone behind.
There are significant reasons why there are standards. 

Instead of electric cars, I think we should bring back the electric chair.  It would solve more problems.

Imagine if schools actually helped kids identify their strengths by exploring their talents from a young age and growing their skills over the 12 years instead of letting them all follow the same routine like sheep and leaving them confused in life after graduation.

So, if we don’t let athletes bet on games they have the ability to influence…

Why the hell do we allow Congress to invest in companies they regulate?!?!

I once dated a girl with a twin and people always asked me how I could tell them apart…

It was simple really, Alison painted her nails red, and Bob had a beard. 

This next one is a great optical illusion …

If you don’t get it …


… look between the pillars.

In a society that has you counting money, pounds, calories, steps, and so many other things, be a rebel and count your “blessings” instead.

Considering how many adults act like children, maybe we should be more okay with kids acting like kids?

We don’t see things as they are.

We see things as we are.

Just a very short Last Word today.  I’d like to say something to everyone who wrote to me to say something to me about Veterans Day.  Mostly it was along the lines of “Thank you for your service” and to that I’d like to say “Thank you for your support” for all the current military members who are out there working it every day or, like my guys, every UTA weekend, while holding down a full-time job doing something else.  Your thanks and support are deeply appreciated, both for me and for all the rest of my fellow vets.  It means a lot. 

So, until we meet again, may your days be filled with love and happiness and may God Bless your lives. 

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