Happy Columbus Day!  Or, if you are more of a modern day idiot, Happy Indigenous Peoples’ Day.  Really makes no difference to me at all.  It’s a day off work, so I don’t care what you call it.  I always thought it was a bit silly for us to get Columbus Day off and I think it’s even sillier for us to get Indigenous Peoples’ Day off.  The politically correct morons across this once great nation of ours are really wound up over stupid stuff.  Instead of wasting time over this nonsense, why not get wound up over our president going around the world begging for oil when we have more oil under our own country then almost any where else on earth?

Why not get wound up over criminals beating the crap out of people in subways and then just basically making a stop in court to sign a few papers and being let go without any bail.

Why not get wound up over our president lying to our face time after time after time and no one holding him accountable for any of it.

Why not get wound up over “8.5% inflation” (that’s some imaginative math!) that equates to a 50-75% increase in grocery bills.

No.  Let’s get wound up over friggin’ Columbus Day!  

POLITICALLY CORRECT MORONS!!!

Just like California.  The model left wing state.  We’re going to outlaw all carbon burning automotive transportation by the year 2035.  YOU CAN’T CHARGE THE ELECTRIC CARS YOU HAVE NOW!!  YOU CAN’T RUN THE AIR CONDITIONERS YOU HAVE NOW!!  This is a great plan.  And the one thing that COULD save this plan, nuclear power, you won’t even consider because you’re too chicken shit to see the nose in front of your face.  

What do we call them?

Indigenous Peoples’ Day and the entire political state of California, you are all a bunch of Blind Turnips!

Ahhh!  Now that I’ve got that off my chest, I’ve got one more public service announcement to give you guys.  Seems like one of our fellow campers has sent me a correction.  At least I think it’s a correction, since all he sent me was a link.  Here, I’ll give you the comment: 

(Great name, by the way!) I’m assuming that it goes with this posting:

Which, having read the article, it does seem to go quite well with this picture.  So, it seems that this is a bit out of date, so I must thank Bob (again, really GREAT name!) for sending the update to us and correcting us and keeping us on our toes.  Thank you, sir.

Now, on to the stuff you guys really want to see!  Let’s get into the fun zone…

My neighbor with the big boobs has been walking up and down the garden topless all day.

I just wish his wife would do the same thing.

My teacher pointed a ruler at me and said, “At the end of this ruler is an idiot.”

I got a detention for asking, “Which end?”

I finally saw a guy who was sagging his pants do a faceplant when they fell down around his ankles.  

It was every bit as satisfying as I always dreamed it would be.

Our pre-school teachers have a very tough job and they take it very seriously.

A genie granted me one wish, so I said, “I just want to be happy.”

Now I’m living in a cottage in the woods with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

Well, I sprained my wrist.  I guess I’d better change my relationship status to “It’s Complicated.”

I felt so sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night.

He hypnotized 7 guys, then dropped the mic on his foot and yelled, “FUCK ME”.

What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life.

He comes at you at a very weird angle, but we keep him around because he is really good at protecting our waterways and he’s really good with kids.

Say what you will about women but I think being able to turn one sentence into a six-hour argument takes talent.

My wife and I have the cutest nicknames for each other.  She’s my buttercup and I’m her useless sack of shit.

My neighbors complained about me groaning too loudly having sex in the morning…

if they only knew I’m just trying to put my socks on…

I can’t tell…

God, none of us would blame you a bit.

I asked the kid working at McDonalds if the Shamrock shakes were made with fresh Shamrocks.  He went to ask the manager.

Come on you left wing nut balls, that makes as much sense as any of your other plans!  And probably a bit more so!

PRO TIP:  In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place wieners and/or cheese slices in your pockets, so the search dogs will find you first. 

Teams of forest rangers shoot grizzlies with sedative darts before approaching.  There’s safety in numb bears.

Do you even hear yourself?  Did you even read that sign?  Why should the store owner’s mother have to fear for HER son’s life?  Why does your son not value his more than the money in the store?  Do I need to ask you any more questions you moronic ass?

Me:  How’d you lose your eyesight? 

Blind man:  Motorboating accident. 

Me:  Wow, really?  

Blind man:  Yeah, her nipples were pierced.

 

If a guy starts a rumor that he had sex with you and you deny it, people won’t believe you.  So, instead just be like, “yeah it was really bad, and he accidently shouted his mom’s name.”

Life is a lot like a Penis…

simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely…then a woman makes it hard.

And that wraps it up for today.  And yes, I know I was a bit of a whiny bitch today, but that is just the way it ended up.  Complain if you like, you know how and through which venues to do it.  You can leave a comment on the website or you can write to me at impishdragon@dragonlaffs.com or any of the other ways you guys know how to get ahold of me.  But, in the meantime, until we meet again, let your lives be filled with love and happiness.

ATTENTION!  ATTENTION!  IN EARLY MORNING BREAKING NEWS!  WELL KNOWN MYTHICAL CREATURE AND PATRIOTIC CONSERVATIVE RADICAL COMMENTATOR IMPISH DRAGON TO PURCHASE TWITTER FOR AN UNDISCLOSED SUM!

WELL KNOWN REPUBLICAN, RACIST DRAGON, A REAL BOMB-THROWING RADICAL WAS OVERHEARD PROCLAIMING HIS PLANS TO RUN FOR POLITICAL OFFICE.  NOT FIT TO BE ELECTED TO DOG CATCHER, THIS DRAGON SHOULD BE JAILED AND … What’s that noise outside?  Cut the mic!  What’s going on?  OH MY G—————————-

So, you guys may hear about some … non-news stories about me in the near future.  Let me assure you that they are nothing.  As my New Jersey brethren would say, “Don’t worry about it.”  People talk.  And when they don’t have anything real to talk about, they make stuff up.  You know we must be rattling cages and getting under people’s skin when they start attacking back with the lame-stream media.  So, my plans, are to get even further under their skins and to encourage each and every one of you to do the exact same thing.  And of course, to get out there and VOTE! 

And before we do that…let’s do this…

Here’s another oldie, but goodie from Joe…

A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. 

“Listen to this,” he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. “It says I’m energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover.” 

“Yeah,” his wife nodded, “and it has your weight wrong, too.” 

The catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation. 

“Brothers and sisters,” he said solemnly. “It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise.” 

Not a woman stirred. “I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly,” the priest intoned. “But it is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise.” 

And still not a woman stirred. 

Wrath now moved the priest. “Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? 

I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!” 

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully. 

The preacher stared with astonishment at her. “Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand.” 

“Father,” the young lady answered indignantly, “do you really expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?”

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cell mate looked like a real thug. 

“Don’t worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I’m in here for a white collar crime too.” 

“Well, that’s a relief.” sighed the stockbroker.  “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.” 

“Oh nothing fancy like that for me.” grinned the convict.  “I just killed a couple of Priests.” 

Trust me, it’s an important picture.

Me:  Do you shower after sex?

Co-worker:  Yeah, of course I do!

Me:  Well, how about getting laid a little more often then!

A different version of you exists in the minds of everyone who knows you.

The person you think of as “yourself” exists only for you, and even you don’t really know who that is.  Every person you meet, have a relationship with or make eye contact on the street with, creates a version of “you” in their heads.  You’re not the same person to your mom, your dad, your siblings, than you are to your co-workers, your neighbors or your friends.  There are a thousand different versions of yourself out there, in people’s minds.  A “you” exists in each version, and yet your “you”, “yourself”, isn’t really a “someone” at all.

Sometimes, all you need is for someone just to be there, even if they can’t solve your problems.  Just knowing there is someone who cares can make all the difference.

And that is the WHOLE theory behind the Grief Group that I started on base.

This is Sally.  One of the personal aids to one of the executives at Dragon Laffs, Inc.  Sally has a very difficult commute to work every day.

And now we get an oldie, but goodie from Stephanie…

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, “Yeah.” When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, “We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi.”

The rescue crew was shocked. One man asked, “Did you eat their legs?”

The chief replied, “We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi”

Another rescuer asked, “Did you eat their arms?”

The Chief said, “We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi.”

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, “Did you.. you know…eat their…’things’??”

The chief says, “No.”

“No?” asked the rescuer.

“No,” replied the Chief, “THINGS go better with Coke.”

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest.

They’re going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash.

The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch.

“How did you do that?” asks one of his friends.

“My watch is 30 minutes slow.”

Almost every hand you’ve shaken has touched a penis.

Think about that for a second…

When things seem especially rough, just ask yourself, “Did I crap my pants today?” and if the answer is no, you’re doing alright.

I asked a pretty, young homeless woman if I could take her home.  She smiled at me and said yes. 

The look on her face soon changed, however, when I walked off with her cardboard box.

This one understands it very clearly.

And that’s where we have to call it a night for tonight.  May you be blessed with happiness and love until we meet again.

The leading dragon on the internet…I guess that must be true.  I got a visit in my office today.  Some Waldo-looking Bugbear with a Russian accent.  Yup, picture a bugbear with a big ole leather jacket and that silly-assed looking hat that Waldo from Where’s Waldo wears.  And he’s gonna roll up to my office and threaten me and tell me that I need to get on the Biden bandwagon and stop shaking the liberal tree.  
I have never laughed so hard in my whole life.
I called him a fat koala bear and had him escorted from my office and released into the minotaur’s maze.  I’m pretty sure they are still down there playing hide-and-seek.  He’ll be down there AT LEAST until after the mid-terms and then I figure I’ll cut him loose somewhere in central Florida and let my good buddy Ron DeSantis play with him for a while.

Anyway, that’s been my day, I hope you guys have had a better day.  And in an effort to move in that direction, let’s go ahead and start the good stuff…  

Every woman needs a “no matter what” friend.  Someone they can call no matter what.  Someone they can vent to, no matter what.  Someone she doesn’t have to explain herself to, no matter what.

Peek-a-Friggin’-Boo!

Once you’ve seen a woman take her bar off WITHOUT removing her shirt, it makes so much more sense why they should be in charge of things.

Believe it or not, those last two pictures go together … and there’s probably a whole bunch of youngsters who have no idea what either one of them mean.

That’s not going to end well for this guy.

Anyone can make you smile, many people can make you cry, but it takes someone really special to make you smile with tears in your eyes.

Me?  Mature??!  Ha!  I still laugh when the ketchup bottle “farts”!

“I swear I heard somebody out here…”

 

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year-old rancher, in town. 

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a “mail order” bride. 

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. 

The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, “She’ll be twenty-one in November.” 

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. 

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. 

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. 

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. “How’s the new wife?” asked the banker. Tom proudly said, “Oh, she’s pregnant.” 

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, “And how’s the hired hand?” 

Without hesitating, Tom said, “She’s pregnant too.” 

As it says…not for the younger crowd.  This goes back a couple of years.  But it is good!

Not for the younger crowd:

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this after hearing that Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China. 

   HU’S ON FIRST 

   (We take you now to the Oval Office.) 

   George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening? 

   Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. 

   George: Great. Lay it on me. 

   Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. 

   George: That’s what I want to know. 

   Condi: That’s what I’m telling you. 

   George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China? 

   Condi: Yes. 

   George: I mean the fellow’s name. 

   Condi: Hu. 

   George: The guy in China. 

   Condi: Hu. 

   George: The new leader of China. 

   Condi: Hu. 

   George: The Chinaman! 

   Condi: Hu is leading China. 

   George: Now whaddya’ asking me for? 

   Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China. 

   George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China? 

   Condi: That’s the man’s name. 

   George: That’s who’s name? 

   Condi: Yes. 

   George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? 

   Condi: Yes, sir. 

   George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. 

   Condi: That’s correct. 

   George: Then who is in China? 

   Condi: Yes, sir. 

   George: Yassir is in China? 

   Condi: No, sir. 

   George: Then who is? 

   Condi: Yes, sir. 

   George: Yassir? 

   Condi: No, sir. 

   George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.    Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone. 

   Condi: Kofi? 

   George: No, thanks. 

   Condi: You want Kofi? 

   George: No. 

   Condi: You don’t want Kofi. 

   George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. 

   And then get me the U.N. 

   Condi: Yes, sir. 

   George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. 

   Condi: Kofi? 

   George: Milk! Will you please make the call? 

   Condi: And call who? 

   George: Who is the guy at the U.N? 

   Condi: Hu is the guy in China. 

   George: Will you stay out of China?! 

   Condi: Yes, sir. 

   George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. 

   Condi: Kofi. 

   George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. 

   (Condi picks up the phone.) 

   Condi: Rice, here. 

   George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East? 

   Thank You…Mr. President. 

Whew!

I’m so jealous!  I never, ever got a wave like this one!  And for this next one…Try and figure out what this next picture is.  Then after you’ve made your guesses, see below the picture below it to get the answer.

As to the picture above, here is the explanation that came along with it…

You are looking at the back of a woman with her shoulders brought together and she is leaning forward.  Her butt is on the top of the picture as if she was sitting on a stool. 

Thanks Steve

One day my six year old asked, “Daddy, what’s a transvestite?” 

I said, “Go ask your mother… he’ll tell you.” 

Noah got drunk,
Jacob lied,
Moses Murdered,
Rahab was a prostitute,
David had an affair.
God still used them.
He can use you, too.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. 

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, “You sign! You sign!” 

Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. 

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder. “You sign! You sign!” 

Nelson says to him, “Look mate, you’ve obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off”, and shuts the door in his face. 

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You sign! You sign!” 

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting: “Look, push off ! You’ve got the wrong bloke! I don’t want them!” Then he slams the door in his face again. 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. 

On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting “You sign! You sign!” 

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?” 

The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says: 

“You not Nissan Maindealer?” 

Thanks Joe!

This is amazing that this is happening…in New York and on the subway.  And other people are just standing around and watching it happen.

An oldie but goodie…thanks Steve:

A man was out in his back yard trying to fly a kite. He would throw the kite up into the air, the wind would catch it, it would spin around for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down.

He tried this over and over, several times. All the while his wife was watching from her kitchen window.

Muttering to herself how men need guidance in everything, she opened the window and yelled, “You need more tail.”

The man turned to her and said, “Well, make up your mind. Last night you told me to go fly a kite.”

I was once popular, but my therapist took all my imaginary friends away.

And that’s another one in the record books friends.  May the rest of your week be filled with love and happiness.  Until next time.

Words go here

That is the honest and the forever truth.  Not that there will never be anyone else in my life, but Mary will be always in my life.

Right at the top of my list of things to do.

You know that LITTLE VOICE inside your head that keeps you from saying things you shouldn’t?
YEAH, I DON’T HAVE THAT.

If you don’t use CONCRETE, it’s your own ASPHALT.

England, Birmingham Law:
It is illegal for a man and woman to have sex “on the steps of any church after the sun goes down.”

That’s one heck of a monument

 

A guy came home to his wife and said, “Guess what?  I’ve found a great job.  A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!”

“That’s great,” his wife said.

“Yeah, I thought so too,” he agreed.  “You start Monday.”

9 out of 10 times when I lose something it’s because I put it in a safe place.

Why does the radio stop to tell you they play nonstop music?

“Look into my crystal ball…no, over here, pal!”

AIN’T     NO     WAY!!!

Easter Egg Hunts:  Proof your kid can find things if they want to.

Hyphenated

Non-Hyphenated

The Irony…

When your tired at night, everything’s funny.  When your tired in the morning, nothing’s funny.

And that’s probably only funny to those of us of a certain age.

It takes a special person to wake up early and still be late, but that’s me. ~ Stephanie

I have one cup of coffee each morning just to start the day off right.

The others are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit.

Add one word, ruin a band name:

Iron Deficiency Maiden

As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I’m sure of…it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

So, let’s be clear…The only acceptable reason for you to touch my cup of coffee is to refill it.  Don’t try to be a hero.

How to politely tell someone they’re stupid:

“Wisdom has been chasing you, but you’ve always been faster.”

Thursday afternoon and I’ve managed to get ahold of both my brother the Owl in Orlando and Papa Dragon Most Senior near Naples and both are well and accounted for.  So, prayers answered.  I hope and pray for each and every one of you out there that you had as good a result with Ian as I did.

Took Pepper Dragon to the Vet this morning and she got a bunch of shots, some general type medicine that she gets every year, a pill to help her with seasonal allergies, and a clean bill of health.

I’m a teenie bit ticked off at myself.  Yesterday was Wednesday and Wednesday night is Bible study at the church and I completely spaced it.  I was a bit tied up and concerned with my health last night (I haven’t been feeling exactly “right” lately) and did some home diagnosis’s (all with negative results, by the by), anyway, long story short, by the time I realized it, I was picking Izzy Dragon up from work at 2230 and realized that I had missed it!  Something I look forward to all week!

You don’t suppose I’m …

[Gulp!]

Getting old…

Am I? 

I do have an awful lot of stuff to talk to the doctor about when I see her in … like a week.  Ah, screw it.  I’ll work it out when I see her.  

Anyway, enough about me, let’s talk about you for a minute. No?  Well, enough about you, then, let’s talk about life for a while.  We could talk about the conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses falling…

Gosh, that sounds so familiar…All I really want…is to figure out where I’ve heard that before.  While I figure that out, …

I need that kind of coffee that’s so strong when I take a sip, my ancestors wake up.

You’ve GOT to be kidding me!

I’m told to treat others as I want to be treated.

Now I’m facing sexual harassment charges.

Thanks.

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow…

“Ooh!” said the presenter, “This is a very rare breed.  Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”

“Sticks.” replied Paddy.

“Hey…Warrior…wanna buy a map?”

“Crocodiles are easy.  They try to kill and eat you.  People are harder.  Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.”  ~ Steve Irwin

Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of shit.

I can never go swimming because it’s always less than 30 minutes since I’ve last eaten.

The new Olympic event…Waterfall diving.

To anyone who has been through hell here on earth.  Who has been living in survival mode for years.  Who has faced challenges they didn’t think they could climb out of…

…Anyone who has been profoundly hurt, broken, abandoned and rejected by people they loved, trusted and cared about…

I just want to say, I’m so proud of you for making it this far.  Proud of you for your strength, progress and courage to keep going.  Very proud of you for choosing to stay alive.

Only trust men who like big butts…

For they cannot lie.

I’ve reached that age where 67% of my electric bill from using a heating pad on some part of my body.

When Pornstars take off their clothes, they are actually getting dressed for work.

Wisdom will kill me someday.

I think “Dildo” is a perfectly acceptable insult.  I’d call you a “Dick” but you’re not real enough.

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast-feed her baby in a bus.  The baby refuses to suck the breast and the mother warns, “if you don’t suck, I will give it to the man next to me.”  The baby still refuses.  After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the “threat”.  The man clears his throat and says, “Look here woman, you better make up your mind.  I was supposed to get off six bus stops ago!”

According to them, you only have freedom to choose what they say you can choose.

They ARE criminals.

We live in a society where people use a $900 phone to check their food stamp balance.

Also known as the Jersey Rule.

Every saint has a past
&
Every sinner has a future.

~ Oscar Wilde

Stupid People Are Like Glow Sticks.  I Want To Snap Them And Shake The Crap Out Of Them Until The Light Comes On.

My next door neighbor knocked on my door wearing just a see through negligee and asked to borrow a cup of sugar and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee.

I said, “Go away, Dave.”

And the problem is, there are a bunch of you out there, who are saying to yourself right now, “Yeah, so 33 plus 45 equals 78, what the heck does that have to do with anything?  And why is there an old record in the corner?  I don’t get it?”  And THAT is so sad….so very sad.

I suppose you never really do.  I know it would bother me for a really LONG time.  And that is it for this issue.  You may have noticed that I’ve stopped talking about donations.  The donation season is pretty much over, I have been asked by the financial department to mention it one last time, so that’s what I’m doing. 

There, I mentioned it.  And I’m going to show the wall one more time in order to thank everyone.  

You guys are absolutely wonderful.  Thank you all so very much.  And if, for some reason, I’ve missed anyone, it is entirely my fault and I humbly and deeply apologize.  My normal bookkeeper is doing another gig nowadays and I miss her.  But, we get by.  

And with that…until next time, my dear campers, friends, family, and loved ones.  May love and happiness visit you regularly until then.